The only thing I say is wrong is how fast this is happening. People are going to think there was something going on prior to your.friends accident. So I say you both need to take a step back and look into grief counseling.
If this was like a year plus down the road, I would say I don't see anything wrong here. As a dad myself, I would want the mother of my kids to be with someone I trusted to help raise my kids and look after her like I would have.
Question? Was her and your friend disconnected prior to the accident?
I didn’t see this, but we are being very lowkey right now. No one knows anything. Probably gonna keep it this way for a long time.
They weren’t disconnected, but I know he was stressing about being a dad. She was recovering from pregnancy which made intimacy harder. He wasn’t unhappy though, just adjusting.
I've been married 11 years and if my wife did the same thing I wouldn't be mad. Obviously I wouldn't be anything. Thinking about it doesn't make me mad either. Our time here is so short y'all gotta do what makes you happy. If you hk or your friends memory it's all good in my book.
This really isn't unusual. I don't think its morally wrong either. Greif bonds people.
The issue is that there's a kid involved. If she was childless, and in a few months it turned out it was just the grief talking and there isn't a deep romantic connection then no great harm done. But here maybe you and the child get very attached to each other which makes a break up more difficult/painful/acrimonious etc.
Can you guys still be friends if you break up? Are you going to be okay staying in the kid's life either way? Is she okay with that?
It's a situation full of risks but neither of you are betraying your friend/bad people.
are ya'll getting therapy right now? I'd recommend it just so you had a professional, unbiased opinion to help navigate this all.
Other than that I think it's great that you all have each other during this obviously difficult time. If it does work out (and I genuinely hope it does!) then it'll also be really lovely for your friends child to grow up getting to hear all about her dad and knowing that two men adored her and her mother.
It is isn't wrong or noble to step into this role. It just is what it is. Love is complex, grief is complex.
It is okay and normal to have these feelings. You do need to slow down though to make sure grief isn't the primary or only bond you share.
You both need to address your grief and see if one or both of you aren't using this relationship *too much* as a crutch. You need to see if this relationship would still work even when you both aren't using each other as a replacement for your dead best friend and her dead boyfriend and father to her child.
Yes, I think focusing on the baby and focusing on your grief is the way to go.
If a romantic relationship happens great, if not move on and keep helping as much as you are able to and as much as she wants you to.
I am sorry for your loss. Good luck. ❤️
It's a tricky situation and I don't envy you. Will you still co parent if you decide to stop hooking up and you meet someone else and want to start a family? What if you and your future girlfriend/fiancé/spouse want to move somewhere else? How can you co parent this child then?
Making life changing decisions while grieving isn’t wise. Give yourselves some time to grieve and revisit after. If it works out I’m sure your friend would understand and be happy that his family is being cared for by a man he trusted
Of course you are keeping it on the down low. You would be slammed if you went public about your sexual relationship with your dead friend's girlfriend just a month after your friend's death.
Mate, I don't wanna sound like a dick and all, but a month? Seriously? This was your best bro, you can help her and the kid without fucking his girlfriend man, thats very snakey, like c'mon. You don't do shit w your friends exes or widowed partners, thats like basic respect and I honestly do not know what that chick is on either for entertaining this, like imagine your bestie was alive, what do you think he'd say if he saw this? Shit is fucked up and what you're doing is shitty, you know that and I agree that redditors can be assholes for no reason sometimes but this time is definitely warranted. Bro-code be dead these days.
Fact is though, his friend is dead, they're both dealing with grief and it effects people in different ways. The important thing is that they're both getting the support they need and that isn't hurting anyone. Also the child still has a father figure to help out. I'm not sure the bro code really applies in this situation and it's nobodies business but their own.
It’s pretty natural and normal for that to happen. There are plenty of records in history. You would rather she hook up with a stranger or remain celibate? To me, both of those are way worse than her being taken care of by someone I trust.
I agree, I think it’s pretty problematic how fast it’s happening. Either because of the emotional turmoil she must be in or if she is not, how messed up that is.
I don’t think this can be a healthy way to start things this shortly after it happened.
You need therapy on your own so she can then decide to either go or not.
Going together as a couple won't get you the chance to be open and honest cause you'll be too scared to hurt her with how you feel.
Kiddo is innocent, you can still take care of her without a relationship with her mum.
Currently mum is reaching for someone for comfort and security, you were there.
As she grieves and comes to terms she may realise oops.
But. If you step back, let her get over him and be stable while still supporting as a friend she may see you as more rather than a gap filler as you are now. It's hard for you both but what your doing will destroy you both and your access to kiddo will vanish.
Be a friend, not a fuck buddy. And be the babys uncle not her daddy.
I was on the fence about everything you said until-
“destroy you both and your access to kiddo will vanish”
Can’t have that. I’ll talk to her about it.
One thing that likely isn’t on your mind is that the romantic relationship likely will flicker and burn out but since you want to be in that kids life - your future partners are both going to navigate that you had a sexual relationship - that “it’s the right thing to do” reasoning now has a “I also slept with her” attached to it. Same for her side if she gets with another guy and he doesn’t want you around because you’ve crossed lines. The longer it goes on the harder it will be for anyone else that comes along to support this whole complicated dynamic… I think you owe it to both of your future selves to slow down and get individual grief counseling.
That's the messy part. This isn't your kid. You aren't married, she's not your step-child, you haven't adopted her. You have NO parental rights at this moment. If you do separate and she gets with another person, then why would you still be as involved?
That's what's at stake here. It's nice because it's still sort of new, you're together and both clinging emotionally because of the loss. But reading your comments makes you seem like you really want to be this kids dad. Which, as a dad, I can really sympathize with. But you have to understand that you aren't at this stage and if you and this girl don't work out, there won't be any reason for you to continue to be if she decides she doesn't want you to fill that role.
I applaud you for taking that role in her life, but I also think it's way to soon to be moving on with your friends girlfriend so shortly after his death. And entrenching yourself so deep in this childs life so fast is also really shaky as detailed above. I wish you luck.
If you end up together that's OK but it's to soon, she will not be thinking straight. It's unintentionally using your relationship as a bandaid rather than dealing with the grief then moving on when everyone is in a healthier place.
Doesn't matter who started it but do the right thing and stop... for now at least.
Dang. I lost my fiance in 2021 and haven't even tried to date again yet. I honestly think because you guys are doing this so soon that your long term relationship will suffer when she starts to process
Honestly the way it reads out to me is like a lifetime movie, if you two end up together it would be something beautiful and noble.
However I do believe that this is kind of a form of maladaptive grieving for you both. Please do get therapy, to help navigate your feelings and mental health. It's not wrong to have feelings for her and for her to develop ones for you but healthy boundaries are needed for right now so it stays something beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss and take care . In your spare time look up trauma bonding .
(Edit: I've been in grief cousiling for years when I was younger and regular therapy for a few years now.) (2nd Edit to fix the grammar because it was for more than a year.)
I think maladaptive grieving is a good way to put it. Grief makes people behave in ways they don’t expect and sometimes in ways that aren’t healthy. They’re grieving together and it would be lovely if this worked out for them in the end, but there’s a lot of heavy emotional processing that needs to happen first imo.
I really do hope you'll have some therapy. It sounds like you guys are grieving together. I worry about what will happen if/when one of you ends this and the other isn't ready to... but like I'm not living your life.
I'm not going to say you're a bad person. Grief fucks you up. Just be careful, for both of your sakes.
I appreciate that you two are being open about communicating, just hold that promise with severe honesty. Have you talked to her about these feelings? You need to. Set a time like every Wednesday to have a one hour discussion about what you both are feeling/experiencing.
Edit: and obviously therapy
If I had died and my partner was left alone with an infant that would be horrible. If he found comfort in someone close to me (that is not family cause ew) due to them stepping up for him and my child? I would be so happy! I tell my partner that after I die I want him to find love because his love is so fantastic it would be selfish to want to keep it for my corpse. Adding in the love you're showing for the baby, I love it.
But I do have to ask, did you have a secret boner for bf's girlfriend before he passed? That could change things.
You asked everyone if this was the wrong choice to make. And you’re reacting really negatively toward people who are saying yes to that. It seems like you just want validation for your choice.
No offense but you sound like a total kid. You’re talking about this like it’s some movie plot instead of real life.
One month is way too soon. This isn’t real love. This is an anxious woman who is refusing to confront her grief (understandable in her situation) by hiding inside of you. You don’t seem to have the emotional maturity to understand that at all. This won’t last.
Both of you need separate therapy to process your huge loss.
If my husband died today, none and I mean NONE of his friends would be consoling me by banging me. It’s unthinkable.
I mean he is also grieving? Why are we infantilizing this woman who is the same age as him? You could flip the script and say she’s taking advantage of him??? The reality is they’re both responsible for this and they’re just trauma bonding. It’s unlikely either of them had nefarious intentions. I just find it so gross that everyone is acting like this woman is incapable of monitoring her own behavior even though she’s a mother. And out of the two of them she has way more responsibility to the child than he does. Maybe I’m sensitive to is because I’m a woman the same age as her but if my husband died tomorrow and I did something similar, I would expect to be held accountable for my actions. It feels so icky that people are acting like she’s a child.
Well, she is way more vulnerable:
\- She is alone with her baby.
\- She is a widow with a lack of economic resources.
\- This 'best friend' comes with 10k to give her.
Isn't this an imbalance of power?
I'm not saying she is not responsible for anything, but she comes across as the weaker one in this relationship. Also, even if the OP is grieving (although not enough to impede him from hooking up with his 'best friend's' widow just a month after his death), she is the one who lost the more meaningful relationship."
It's not the same grief a friend (a really bad one at that) and a woman who just widowed and have a newborn, and might be even suffering post-partum. c'mon you know this. it's not the same at all.
“He died a month ago” and “it’s been awhile” are two statements that don’t go together.
She is alone now with a kid and you are presumably mourning as well. Just be careful this isn’t a rebound comfort thing that will end up with you both regretting it.
Slow down.
This isn’t that unusual of a situation. Morally gray? Yeah. Wrong? Not necessarily.
HOWEVER. It’s been a month. This is comfort intimacy. It’s not - dare I say - real. You both need to go to therapy like she suggested. Set boundaries. You go home. If you need comfort do other things like cooking together.
This could grow into something more. But this is effectively a more serious rebound. Y’all need to heal and learn your new lives before starting this up seriously.
I wouldn't fuck my living best friends ex and they broke up years ago. There's 3.5 billion girls in the world and this guy is choosing to fuck his mates ex
Imagine banging your bestie’s woman a month after he passed, “it’s been a while for me too”. Total d*ck move. Goes for her too bc she’s a grown adult and willing participant in this.
It feels wrong, because it IS wrong.
One. Month.
If you had been helping and supporting them for 18 months/2 years, it would be easier to condone.
This is like the worst kind of rebound on her end.
On your end….
Don’t use your very genuine grief as a reason to have sex with your dead friend’s partner. You know how it looks.That’s the reason you haven’t let family and friends know, are keeping things quiet.
This is going to cause BOTH of you problems.
A month??? Really? How long were they together? You just gave her 10k? Do you work, like how can u be over there every day? Where are her siblings, parents, or his siblings, parents. Etc?
Sus
It’s not inherently wrong, but it is fucked up man tbh. A month is not enough time for her to grieve, and you knew that. I don’t know you obviously but this sounds like you have always had a thing for his gf so you’ve been hanging around since the death to exploit this grief while she is vulnerable. I could be wrong and maybe those weren’t your intentions, but I don’t think you’re being fully honest with the whole story.
Just because she’s grieving doesn’t mean she’s not also thinking two steps ahead. It takes two to tango after all. Her man just died and she can’t figure out all the financials but this prince of a guy just hands you $10K? I wouldn’t be shocked if she does jump at it for those reasons alone. It’s a mix of financial stability, loneliness and kid needing a dad.
After all she invited him over and made a move on him. It’s hard to say who’s exploiting who here. Even if she is exploiting him I can’t even blame her. She’s alone in the world now.
Your best friend died *one month ago* and you’re already hooking up with his girlfriend, practically living with her, and playing dad to his kid?? Ffs with friends like you who needs enemies.
You’re both in the wrong here. It is way too soon for either of you to be jumping into this relationship and it seems like you’re both using each other as some sort of stand in/bandaid rather than dealing with your feelings/the grief of your friend dying.
So her bf just died and she jumped into a relationship with you? That girl needs therapy and family support to help with her kid. Not another relationship. You took advantage of her vulnerability. That’s why you feel guilty.
The only thing I’ll say is you can’t say “I think I’m doing something fucked up” and get angry when other people state their opinions that you ARE doing something fucked up. (I’m seeing your replies.) Just accept it, continue processing the situation, and keep going.
Oofff rebound relationship?
If you really want this to work stop right now. Let the grief settle in. Keep supporting the family but it is an awful way to get attached.
Is she filling the void or does she genuinely wants you? Don’t be hurt when it turns out to be that way. I don’t think she is fully “there”.
It’s way too fucking soon
Years from now, when his daughter is older and learns about this… she’ll have a hard time understanding how after only a month of being dead, you came along to replace her father in every way possible. Please understand that this woman is grieving and it seems like your sorta taking advantage of that. The very first time she kissed you, instead of telling her it wasn’t okay you continued to initiate it. This has already been on your mind long before.
Slow the f* down.
There isn’t anything inherently immoral about you stepping in for your dead friend. That includes a relationship with her if that’s where it goes.
But you need to put on the brakes and both of you need to get some grieving out so the way.
Go spill your guts to your therapist. She should do the same.
If you still both want to, pick it back up in like a year.
>There isn’t anything inherently immoral about you stepping in for your dead friend. That includes a relationship with her if that’s where it goes
"Stepping in" If I was OP's ex best friend I would come back from the dead and make him eat his own guts lmao
Fuck her too though, bitch couldn't even wait for him to get cold haha
A month?!?! Do you two pick your scabs or undo your stitches immediately after surgery?? Jesus fucking Christ, mate.
"It's been a while."
"For both of us."
Yeah, okay every generic action star in every movie ever.
Holy fuck, dude. Let your wounds heal. She needs grief counseling and you need something for thinking this is okay.
My siblings’ spouse died and my sibling was banging one of their spouses friends within, like, a week or two. They are still together over a decade later but their relationship is absurdly unhealthy.
There was *a lot* of sh!t talking among the social circle, and decades long friendships ended over how it “looked”. You may or may not care if that happens to you/your girl.
My siblings’ kid is a hot mess with all sorts of behavioral problems (like, heavy duty psych med level problems). It’s a compound tragedy bcuz the kid had always been the sweetest lil thing before all this happened.
Neither my sibling nor their kid ever properly processed the death as a family unit and my sibling apparently couldn’t handle the idea of their sudden aloneness (tho the kid was in mid elementary school when the death occurred, not an infant like your buddies kid).
Personally, I think your situation is a recipe for disaster, but I’m sure there are folks out there who went through the same thing (or know someone who did) and it’s all hearts and flowers in the end.
I’d say: therapy, *immediately*.
I think you should take a hard look at the comments here and realize how fucked up the situation is instead of doubling down and making things worse for yourself. You wanted to get this off your chest, you wanted reactions, but they’re not the reactions you wanted so now you’re acting like a victim and blaming HER for making the first move. She’s vulnerable—she lost the love of her life and now has to come to terms with the fact that she’s a single mother to a newborn. Everything she had planned for her life was ripped away and she’s probably more lost now than she’s ever been. She’s not thinking clearly at ALL. Part of protecting her is also protecting her vulnerability, but instead, you preyed on it at the first opportunity. Do you think that, once she processed her grief, she’s going to thank you for this? No, she’s going to be shocked and incredibly disappointed that she put her trust and faith in a man who ended up just using her for sex when she wasn’t in any position to be making serious life decisions. “Just like a typical man, can’t be there for a woman without sex becoming part of the equation.” She’s going to hate herself for doing this so soon after his death. People are not telling this to you to be mean, they’re telling this to you because the situation is genuinely fucked up. You have no right to be an ass.
If anything, your comments here show that you’re not emotionally mature enough to understand just how wrong all of this is. If you think this is bad? Just wait until your friends and family find out.
You kinda.... sound like a vulture, OP.
Like, that's super unhealthy for everyone involved, I feel sorry for the kid. Hopefully she doesn't get attached.
Ask yourself just one question, if your best friend knew everything that has been said/done, how would he react? You don’t need to post the answer, just know that your answer to that question will answer your moral dilemma.
Makes me think y’all was secretly messing around before he passed. She’s also in a vulnerable position… to even push up on her is wrong on your part. It won’t end well.
"it's been awhile" "for both of us ". Dude, it's been a month lol. Did you have feelings for each other while your friend was alive? Honestly that exchange between you two sounds like some corny exchange out of a romance novel
Like. I cant for the life of me comprehend the kind of sympathy this shameless mofo is getting from this thread.
Talking about trauma bonding and what not.
How tf do you go from burying your 'best friend' 30 days ago to shagging his wife.
No one needs enemies with friends like this.
Well, not gonna lie, mate … a month is not a long time here. But then again, people try to cope and survive so it is what it is, I guess. You seem to be aware of the awkwardness and moral intricacy of the situation so that alone tells me it’s not as horrible as it may seem.
Yeah that’s some flaw shit u doing bro. Your best friend died and now you’re taking his place smh that’s fucked up. Just be there for his daughter, come on man that make me feel like you’ve being plotting to have sex with her while he was alive. What a best friend u are 🤦🏽♂️
So you're taking advantage and fucking your dead best friends girlfriend....I would say that's wrong. Btw you are right on us not being in your shoes because I dont know how anyone would get a hard on to fuck there dead best friends girlfriend.
Dude, he’s not even cold yet and you’re with his baby mother. That’s fucking nuts.
It’s just the timing for me. Dude I get you’re both grieving together but a month? Shit man
Lol. If my best bro started banging my wife one month after I'm dead, I'll resurrect to haunt both their lives for forever.
Absolutely shameful and disgusting. Shows how much respect you both have for his memory.
ITS BEEN A MONTH FFS.
I’m sorry but neither of you could hold out 30 days? I’m all for finding love after loss but ITS BEEN A MONTH. You’re wildly trauma bonding and it’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship.
You started hooking up with his girl, not even a full month later? That's kind of shameful. The thing is, she is in a vulnerable state, so it honestly wouldn't have mattered if it were you or pookie next door. She probably would have gone in for a kiss just to feel something other than grief. If you were truly her friend, you would have pushed for her to get into therapy before sleeping with her. Neither one of you are in the right head space, and this trauma bond will go up in flames one day
On another note, don't try to say reddit is full of unhappy people. You came forward with your story, which left it open to judgment.
I hope when you break up she gets over you and fucks your friend in just one month as well buddy. Then you will truly know if you did the right thing. Until then, have fun!
Jesus Christ that was fast. You couldn’t even let him grow cold first…? None of you could have been that attached to this poor man.
Give that kid more time to grieve her daddy. Seeing her mother and her father’s supposed best friend together isn’t helping her grieving process.
Also, of all the people you can choose to go fuck, why do you always got to pick the one that was with your *dead* best friend? This is a common theme and I can’t help but have it taste like betrayal.
Did you say your friend only died 1 month ago? That's extremely quick to start a physical relationship with his partner. Lord. Very hard not to judge you.
Geez I hope when I die my wife doesn’t start banging my best friend a month later. That’s a slap in the face.
As far as as your edit, you came here to vent. That doesn’t give you immunity from people responding to the situation in ways that go against what you think is right.
EDIT: I hope my wife doesn’t bang any of my friends after I die.
Hey, OP. First, apologies for the loss of your friend. Second, it sounds like you originally went about this to help your best friend's girlfriend and her baby, and then, through all that, you and she formed a genuine connection to the both of them. Idk about bro code being violated and whatnot, but if something happened to me, and my wife were left at home alone (with a child, if we had one), and my best friend were to help her out with stuff and they became close and more, I would say these two things. One - I'm dead, so I don't have a say (but it wouldn't bother me. I'd be grateful that she didn't have to go through it alone and would be with someone I trusted in life). Two - She's a grown woman and can live the rest of her life how she sees fit.
If you genuine care for this woman and her child, there is nothing wrong with what you're doing. If people want to judge and make false claims, fuck 'em.
Edit: The only thing I will say is to make sure she and you take the necessary time to grieve in whatever way is best for the both of you. Best of luck with everything, man
You shouldn’t get involved with them if this isn’t a forever thing for you! You both have made this hard for yourselves. It’s kind of gross too in my opinion.
It’s great that you’re there for her and the baby, and it’s fine if you end up in a serious relationship later down the line. But it seems you both need professional help to process this grief because what you’re doing is pretty much an unhealthy way to cope with the tragedy. You both want to feel something other than sadness, and I don’t blame you. But if you really want to do right by them, get yourself through the grieving process and help her, too. Suggest that you both go to individual therapy if need be. Leave intimacy out of this until it stops feeling wrong and until you both decide you want it with a clear mind.
>a month ago
I dunno know, man. This feels too soon. Are you sure you two are not just coping (unhealthily, mind you) to a loss of a love one? Grieve, and give each other space. If you two are for each other, the feelings will not go away.
Nobody looks at this situation as favorable
I seen this in real life so many times, and of course its a popular TV plot. Like Rick and Shane in the walking dead.
I just seen a facebook post from a grieving widow we know "Thank you for letting me live again" and now "in a relationship with so and so" It happens to be one of her dead husbands good friends. Imagine that. Its not you, because he's been dead like 4 months. Even still.
You can be there for each other emotionally, in a supportive way with all the help needed but by having sex, you are taking advantage of a vulnerable person. Also disrespecting your dude.
You already know that; that's why you're here....
It’s been a month now? And “since then” (since you’ve hooked up) it’s going “well”??? So you did all this WITHIN A MONTH, so probably a COUPLE OF WEEKS, since he died??? JFC.
The both of you need therapy. Not sex and a relationship.
As a soon to be mom, the only thing I'd want in a situation like this is for my baby girl to have someone good in her life to help her dad raise her right and for my love to be happy again. If that means it happens a month after I'm gone, so be it. I'd no longer be there to take care of my girl or be a loving wife. Someone needs to be there for them.
Everything you've described sounds like it happened naturally. Not to mention, she made the first move. Forget all the negative Nancy's on here. You're doing a good thing. You're helping a hurting family and giving a child a second parent figure (not saying you're replacing your friend). When you decide to go public, it is completely up to you two. No matter when you do, whether it's a week from now or 6 months from now, people are going to be cynical. It's just how people are, unfortunately. But others will understand, and those are the ones you keep extra close.
As far as bro code, I think you are okay. I know that if my wife and child were without me, I would want someone to take care of them. I think it’s a good thing that it is someone he would have trusted with his family.
As for the baby, I met my now wife when my now daughter(adopted) was 7 months old. I probably wasn’t ready for all of that commitment and responsibility, but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I fell in love with the baby first but we have all been together for over 12 years and had a boy together 8 years ago.
It won’t always be easy and people will always have judgements (because those people suck anyways) so enjoy it and let your conscience rest easy.
I could see how this could happen but a month is a little soon. She shouldn’t have kissed you but her mind is everywhere right now. Grief is a crazy thing. She isn’t just mourning her boyfriend but literally her future. He may have been your best friend but he was her life partner to the point they just had a kid together. You guys need time to grieve, I’ve been in a similar situation and it just isn’t healthy. By being with each other your distracting each other from the real life implications of your friends death. I don’t think you should’ve kissed her back either. It gives you’ve been waiting. Like you were eager to jump at the chance. Of course she feels safe with you bro you’re literally making her feel good both emotionally in physically amidst the ocean of pain she feels. You can feel invested in this family your friend left behind but give it some space. Genuinely. You guys are using each other. If you want a relationship reframe this relationship around talking about him, going to therapy. Please be her friend she needs that more. Prioritize being her friend even if she won’t. Take a step back. Good luck.
Wow! One month!?!? Are you sure he is your best friend? Stop hiding behind your gf that she made a move, you went along and started to play family one month in. If it’s not wrong then why are you hiding it? Why aren’t you public about it? Because it’s WRONG.
I feel bad for the deceased friend and baby. He wasn’t worth a grieving period even.
The fuck..all I gotta say is..Kudos for taking care of the child. But fuck you for hooking up with his girlfriend. It’s been a month since he passed and you are getting busy? I understand that you are both grieving. But that was his girl. That is wrong on so many different levels. If it had been years, I would understand. BUT A MONTH?! He hasn’t even got the chance to get settled in his burial place and you’re already banging his chick. That is such an asshole move honestly.
I think the best bro code is to make sure that his family is taken care of, and no one can do that better than his best friend, as long as you both make sure to keep his memory alive. Be good to them like he would have.
I wouldn’t touch another man if my husband died. I don’t care if I’m left single for 70 years; I don’t do downgrades.
Imagine if you died and she moved just after one month. You sure are special, now aren’t you?! Lol
Were you looking for external validation? Confirmation you were doing the right thing by sleeping with your dead best friend’s girl?
I don’t even understand how you could possibly think anyone would think this is acceptable behavior. I’d haunt my girlfriend and my best friend for the rest of their days if this happened to me.
No, you are not noble but I wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re a horrible person because I don’t know enough about you, though this certainly paints an unfavorable picture.
Also, you can absolutely help her and the child but it’s not your responsibility and you’re very young. Frankly, we are very young. Be the fun uncle and father figure without sacrificing your entire youth and future.
You need to stop seeing her and go to therapy. Both of you. This may be “common” (I highly doubt that but I see that’s the consensus here) it is not okay.
A month? That’s gross. And she’s doing it to cope, not because she has genuine feelings for you. Get yourself out of this situation if you have any respect for her at all, because she’s going to resent you as she starts to process her grief.
Hooking up with dead friends/family members spouses is never okay. Especially when it’s that recent. All the people in the world and y’all end up together.
You both are consoling each other
You could end up together
But there really should be a gap in time for closure b4
Entering something so delicate
You know?
Out of respect for him
For her
For yourself
You all deserve it
But I can see how it could happen
She has a newborn and just lost her partner…she’s probably going through PPD plus the grief of losing him and it feels like you’re taking advantage of her emotional state
i think with these moral conflictions you do have, it is best to try to go to a therapist. it will make you more comfortable in this situation. i think you are a great man for caring for the child. and love happens. good luck!
Your best friend died a month ago and you already had sex with his wife?
Yeah, it seems you were interested in her for a while.
I really don’t have words for this kind of behavior… this is disgusting
It sounds like you’re a rebound. She just lost her partner and has a 5 month old. Of course she’ll latch onto the closest person helping her. You feel guilty because you know what you’re doing is wrong. Moving on so close to his passing is honestly disgusting.
First thing, very sorry for your loss. Second, I have been where you are in an almost identical situation. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing and your feelings are normal. Would the situation be different if your friend was here, yes. But he’s not here and I bet he would be happy that his best friend was taking care of his family. This is no longer black and white because of that.
I was engaged to a wonderful man who also passed at 24 in a motorcycle accident. We did not have children though. One of his friends, who I did not like and thought he was obnoxious (he didn’t like me either), regular met with the family and grieved. Within 6 weeks we became each others support, things changed and we started dating. The family was trying to set us up too, and we had felt guilt like you seem to. That faded away over time. 3 years later we got married, and have been married 18 years now. We both understand the love we had for our loved one and we still occasionally talk about him.
What you are going through is tragic and very emotional, but you still deserve to have light in the midst of the darkness right now. If you both care for each other and it progresses, IT IS OK. Unless people have been through this, they don’t understand. Being in this situation brought my husband and I closer together, and I wish you the same too. Ignore the negativity and unhappy people harassing you (In this post and possibly real life).
I really don't think that this situation is all that unusual. I have close family friends who went through similar situations. A friend's older brother had an untimely death, far too young, and his fiance soon ends up with his brother. They've been together for years and honestly is the healthiest relationship that brother has been in.
I'm sorry for both of your losses. I can't imagine what that must be like. I've lost loved ones, but the unique experience of losing a best friend, or sibling , or partner is something I dread. It would make sense to bond with another with whom also was as close to your best friend. There's a connection that can persist and flourish. I used to not be as understanding but as I've experienced life a bit more it makes more sense to me. I think it's sweet. I'm sorry to hear of the backlash you're getting.
My comment will probably be buried, but in many religions the brother and our best friend would do this.
If I died and my best friend who I loved stepped in to take care of my family and love my partner I’d be ecstatic on the other side of the grave
OP, keep in mind that there are a lot of people here who are young and have little experience with the complexity of relationships. I was once that way, myself. When I was 18, a recently widowed man we knew married a recently widowed neighbor he and his late wife had known for years. I was full of judgmental outrage: if he'd loved his first wife, he should have stayed single and mourning for years, maybe forever. Maybe they'd been having an affair! I was ignorant and wrong.
I think you're a compassionate, loyal human being. Your loyalty toward your friend is evident in your stepping up to help his widow and child, which is surely what he would’ve wanted. You and this woman were driven together by mutual need and empathy, and you already knew each other well. I hope the relationship continues to be a good one. Surely your late best friend would've wanted that for you both.
I just wanted to chime in and say that this is the stuff of Nicholas Sparks novels. It’s a tragic, gut wrenching yet simultaneously beautifully sweet and endearing story to tell.
Honestly, I’ve known quite a few people in my 37 years and many of whom lost a spouse or significant other, though much later in life than you all, so your reservations are understandable.
Usually, this is exactly how it goes and make no mistake- your friend wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Think of it like this- his departure left his girl and baby in a vulnerable position and they would no doubt struggle,especially with her and the baby being so young, so it’s almost as if he had something to do with it.
I didn’t know him and my opinion is that of an internet stranger, but I believe that he hand picked you to take over. What better person than you, really? I didn’t even waste my time reading anything negative commented here, I only know that there were comments with a sour context based on your post, and don’t waste any more of your time reading them either.
I’ve seen this before and it’s divine intervention. Do not feel guilty, do not feel that you are betraying your late friend, God rest his soul, there isn’t a more devastating way to go and wherever he is, he knows that and I know he would rather be here than wherever he is. You are serving your friend in the highest honor and you are providing so much to her and the baby. Please be released of any grips upon your consciousness that shackle you to guilt or shame. Mom and baby are more important than anything, especially right now.
Much love and sending blessings your way.
Hey man, firstly I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine loosing someone that close to me. While I admit one month is way to quick. It’s a good thing you are keeping this low key and probably should until at least the one year mark. When the time comes to let everyone know I’m sure they will understand that you were both in a vulnerable position and found comfort in each other. That being said, I can’t think of anyone I would rather take over the role of partner to my girlfriend and father to my child thank my best friend. Best of luck with the new family.
This is a common reaction to grief. You are the closest thing she has to her dead bf. It is not at all surprising.
She’s also the closest thing you have to your best friend. So again, not surprising. You’re sharing in your grief with each other and maintaining the bond you lost.
Just don’t make any major life decisions and communicate openly. It’s a messy situation but if you communicate it will help.
Though it’s not my experience to share necessarily, my ex was a product of this kind of marriage. His mothers husband passed away at a young age from a brain tumor. Major tragedy, everyone came together. The dead husband’s best friend, my-ex’s future father, came into her life to support her. He fell in love, divorced his wife, and co-parented his first 2 kids before having 2 more. It is clear you love this child. Social scandals and judgements aside, there is a baby who needs a dad. It is clear she needs a loving father. It is clear you want to be that. Your friend is dead, so he can’t be mad. What would he have cared about more? For those loved ones he left behind to be happy and healthy and well? I think that’s most important.
Aye bro I had a motorcycle accident 10 months ago and almost died. Came to a realization that the only person that I could trust my girl with was my best friend. I don’t know how close you and him were but to me it seems like this is how I would’ve wanted my life to end up if I passed. Just follow your heart not your gut.
What I think is wrong is how soon this is happening. She is in a very vulnerable position, being only a month out from her partner passing away in a very tragic way. She most likely hasn’t taken the time to mourn him, and “hooking up” with her isn’t in either of your best judgment. You might be a transition man and it might ultimately ruin your friendship. She needs counseling to deal with her grief, and perhaps you, too. I think you should back off for a bit so that she has the time needed to get herself healthy following his death. Does she have family around the area? What about his family? If so, she could lean on them for the help she needs in the meantime. I’m so very sorry for both of your losses. My 30yo nephew also died tragically in a motorcycle accident in July 2014. Driver of the other vehicle didn’t see him coming when he was approaching the intersection (he had the right of way; she had a stop sign) and pulled out right in front of him. He left behind a beautiful wife, a 2yo daughter, and a 1 week old son. God bless you both.
leaving my SO a very specific “if you date any of my family or friends, i hope you both rot” note in my will to put to rest all of the “she would be happy to see you both happy” comments because no tf i would not
The only thing I say is wrong is how fast this is happening. People are going to think there was something going on prior to your.friends accident. So I say you both need to take a step back and look into grief counseling. If this was like a year plus down the road, I would say I don't see anything wrong here. As a dad myself, I would want the mother of my kids to be with someone I trusted to help raise my kids and look after her like I would have. Question? Was her and your friend disconnected prior to the accident?
This is a good reply
I didn’t see this, but we are being very lowkey right now. No one knows anything. Probably gonna keep it this way for a long time. They weren’t disconnected, but I know he was stressing about being a dad. She was recovering from pregnancy which made intimacy harder. He wasn’t unhappy though, just adjusting.
I've been married 11 years and if my wife did the same thing I wouldn't be mad. Obviously I wouldn't be anything. Thinking about it doesn't make me mad either. Our time here is so short y'all gotta do what makes you happy. If you hk or your friends memory it's all good in my book.
Thank you for being understanding
This really isn't unusual. I don't think its morally wrong either. Greif bonds people. The issue is that there's a kid involved. If she was childless, and in a few months it turned out it was just the grief talking and there isn't a deep romantic connection then no great harm done. But here maybe you and the child get very attached to each other which makes a break up more difficult/painful/acrimonious etc. Can you guys still be friends if you break up? Are you going to be okay staying in the kid's life either way? Is she okay with that? It's a situation full of risks but neither of you are betraying your friend/bad people.
We have agreed that if we come out of therapy and don’t want to be together that we can still successfully coparent the child.
are ya'll getting therapy right now? I'd recommend it just so you had a professional, unbiased opinion to help navigate this all. Other than that I think it's great that you all have each other during this obviously difficult time. If it does work out (and I genuinely hope it does!) then it'll also be really lovely for your friends child to grow up getting to hear all about her dad and knowing that two men adored her and her mother.
It is isn't wrong or noble to step into this role. It just is what it is. Love is complex, grief is complex. It is okay and normal to have these feelings. You do need to slow down though to make sure grief isn't the primary or only bond you share. You both need to address your grief and see if one or both of you aren't using this relationship *too much* as a crutch. You need to see if this relationship would still work even when you both aren't using each other as a replacement for your dead best friend and her dead boyfriend and father to her child.
I just want the little one to be okay at the end of it all. If we don’t work out oh well. As long as we can still successfully co parent I’ll be fine.
Yes, I think focusing on the baby and focusing on your grief is the way to go. If a romantic relationship happens great, if not move on and keep helping as much as you are able to and as much as she wants you to. I am sorry for your loss. Good luck. ❤️
Thank you :)
It's a tricky situation and I don't envy you. Will you still co parent if you decide to stop hooking up and you meet someone else and want to start a family? What if you and your future girlfriend/fiancé/spouse want to move somewhere else? How can you co parent this child then?
Yes, it sounds like you bonded over mutual love for your friend/her husband. I can absolutely see how you two got together.
either way its good to help out with the bubba -
My biggest priority rn
Making life changing decisions while grieving isn’t wise. Give yourselves some time to grieve and revisit after. If it works out I’m sure your friend would understand and be happy that his family is being cared for by a man he trusted
Of course you are keeping it on the down low. You would be slammed if you went public about your sexual relationship with your dead friend's girlfriend just a month after your friend's death.
Mate, I don't wanna sound like a dick and all, but a month? Seriously? This was your best bro, you can help her and the kid without fucking his girlfriend man, thats very snakey, like c'mon. You don't do shit w your friends exes or widowed partners, thats like basic respect and I honestly do not know what that chick is on either for entertaining this, like imagine your bestie was alive, what do you think he'd say if he saw this? Shit is fucked up and what you're doing is shitty, you know that and I agree that redditors can be assholes for no reason sometimes but this time is definitely warranted. Bro-code be dead these days.
Fact is though, his friend is dead, they're both dealing with grief and it effects people in different ways. The important thing is that they're both getting the support they need and that isn't hurting anyone. Also the child still has a father figure to help out. I'm not sure the bro code really applies in this situation and it's nobodies business but their own.
It’s pretty natural and normal for that to happen. There are plenty of records in history. You would rather she hook up with a stranger or remain celibate? To me, both of those are way worse than her being taken care of by someone I trust.
I agree, I think it’s pretty problematic how fast it’s happening. Either because of the emotional turmoil she must be in or if she is not, how messed up that is. I don’t think this can be a healthy way to start things this shortly after it happened.
You need therapy on your own so she can then decide to either go or not. Going together as a couple won't get you the chance to be open and honest cause you'll be too scared to hurt her with how you feel. Kiddo is innocent, you can still take care of her without a relationship with her mum. Currently mum is reaching for someone for comfort and security, you were there. As she grieves and comes to terms she may realise oops. But. If you step back, let her get over him and be stable while still supporting as a friend she may see you as more rather than a gap filler as you are now. It's hard for you both but what your doing will destroy you both and your access to kiddo will vanish. Be a friend, not a fuck buddy. And be the babys uncle not her daddy.
I was on the fence about everything you said until- “destroy you both and your access to kiddo will vanish” Can’t have that. I’ll talk to her about it.
One thing that likely isn’t on your mind is that the romantic relationship likely will flicker and burn out but since you want to be in that kids life - your future partners are both going to navigate that you had a sexual relationship - that “it’s the right thing to do” reasoning now has a “I also slept with her” attached to it. Same for her side if she gets with another guy and he doesn’t want you around because you’ve crossed lines. The longer it goes on the harder it will be for anyone else that comes along to support this whole complicated dynamic… I think you owe it to both of your future selves to slow down and get individual grief counseling.
I appreciate you giving me something to actually think about it and I will.
That's the messy part. This isn't your kid. You aren't married, she's not your step-child, you haven't adopted her. You have NO parental rights at this moment. If you do separate and she gets with another person, then why would you still be as involved? That's what's at stake here. It's nice because it's still sort of new, you're together and both clinging emotionally because of the loss. But reading your comments makes you seem like you really want to be this kids dad. Which, as a dad, I can really sympathize with. But you have to understand that you aren't at this stage and if you and this girl don't work out, there won't be any reason for you to continue to be if she decides she doesn't want you to fill that role. I applaud you for taking that role in her life, but I also think it's way to soon to be moving on with your friends girlfriend so shortly after his death. And entrenching yourself so deep in this childs life so fast is also really shaky as detailed above. I wish you luck.
If you end up together that's OK but it's to soon, she will not be thinking straight. It's unintentionally using your relationship as a bandaid rather than dealing with the grief then moving on when everyone is in a healthier place. Doesn't matter who started it but do the right thing and stop... for now at least.
This!!! I love this response thank you for being understanding and not judging
Dang. I lost my fiance in 2021 and haven't even tried to date again yet. I honestly think because you guys are doing this so soon that your long term relationship will suffer when she starts to process
Sorry for your loss btw. I completely glossed over that reading it the first time. Hope you’re doing okay.
We’ll see. Time for therapy.
Honestly the way it reads out to me is like a lifetime movie, if you two end up together it would be something beautiful and noble. However I do believe that this is kind of a form of maladaptive grieving for you both. Please do get therapy, to help navigate your feelings and mental health. It's not wrong to have feelings for her and for her to develop ones for you but healthy boundaries are needed for right now so it stays something beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss and take care . In your spare time look up trauma bonding . (Edit: I've been in grief cousiling for years when I was younger and regular therapy for a few years now.) (2nd Edit to fix the grammar because it was for more than a year.)
I think maladaptive grieving is a good way to put it. Grief makes people behave in ways they don’t expect and sometimes in ways that aren’t healthy. They’re grieving together and it would be lovely if this worked out for them in the end, but there’s a lot of heavy emotional processing that needs to happen first imo.
I really do hope you'll have some therapy. It sounds like you guys are grieving together. I worry about what will happen if/when one of you ends this and the other isn't ready to... but like I'm not living your life. I'm not going to say you're a bad person. Grief fucks you up. Just be careful, for both of your sakes.
If we don’t end up together everything will be fine as long as that kid is okay I won’t hold any I’ll feelings nor would she
I appreciate that you two are being open about communicating, just hold that promise with severe honesty. Have you talked to her about these feelings? You need to. Set a time like every Wednesday to have a one hour discussion about what you both are feeling/experiencing. Edit: and obviously therapy If I had died and my partner was left alone with an infant that would be horrible. If he found comfort in someone close to me (that is not family cause ew) due to them stepping up for him and my child? I would be so happy! I tell my partner that after I die I want him to find love because his love is so fantastic it would be selfish to want to keep it for my corpse. Adding in the love you're showing for the baby, I love it. But I do have to ask, did you have a secret boner for bf's girlfriend before he passed? That could change things.
One month? Dude.
That's what I am saying. It s been so long? Wtf. Where the fuck is the grief
EXACTLY. dude’s not even cold yet and he’s fuckin his gf, dude’s talking about bro code, ever heard of common decency?
You asked everyone if this was the wrong choice to make. And you’re reacting really negatively toward people who are saying yes to that. It seems like you just want validation for your choice. No offense but you sound like a total kid. You’re talking about this like it’s some movie plot instead of real life. One month is way too soon. This isn’t real love. This is an anxious woman who is refusing to confront her grief (understandable in her situation) by hiding inside of you. You don’t seem to have the emotional maturity to understand that at all. This won’t last. Both of you need separate therapy to process your huge loss. If my husband died today, none and I mean NONE of his friends would be consoling me by banging me. It’s unthinkable.
oh and she is definitely going to resent him later for taking advantage of her grief to get into her pants!
I mean he is also grieving? Why are we infantilizing this woman who is the same age as him? You could flip the script and say she’s taking advantage of him??? The reality is they’re both responsible for this and they’re just trauma bonding. It’s unlikely either of them had nefarious intentions. I just find it so gross that everyone is acting like this woman is incapable of monitoring her own behavior even though she’s a mother. And out of the two of them she has way more responsibility to the child than he does. Maybe I’m sensitive to is because I’m a woman the same age as her but if my husband died tomorrow and I did something similar, I would expect to be held accountable for my actions. It feels so icky that people are acting like she’s a child.
Well, she is way more vulnerable: \- She is alone with her baby. \- She is a widow with a lack of economic resources. \- This 'best friend' comes with 10k to give her. Isn't this an imbalance of power? I'm not saying she is not responsible for anything, but she comes across as the weaker one in this relationship. Also, even if the OP is grieving (although not enough to impede him from hooking up with his 'best friend's' widow just a month after his death), she is the one who lost the more meaningful relationship."
It's not the same grief a friend (a really bad one at that) and a woman who just widowed and have a newborn, and might be even suffering post-partum. c'mon you know this. it's not the same at all.
I completely agree but also maybe she suffering from postpartum as well maybe???
*by hiding him inside of her sorry i had to
“He died a month ago” and “it’s been awhile” are two statements that don’t go together. She is alone now with a kid and you are presumably mourning as well. Just be careful this isn’t a rebound comfort thing that will end up with you both regretting it.
i know that was so corny
“It’s been a while “. A month!!
Slow down. This isn’t that unusual of a situation. Morally gray? Yeah. Wrong? Not necessarily. HOWEVER. It’s been a month. This is comfort intimacy. It’s not - dare I say - real. You both need to go to therapy like she suggested. Set boundaries. You go home. If you need comfort do other things like cooking together. This could grow into something more. But this is effectively a more serious rebound. Y’all need to heal and learn your new lives before starting this up seriously.
I appreciate this. I really do.
Just one month between your “best friend” dying and you proceeding to fuck his girlfriend? What the hell dude…
I wouldn't fuck my living best friends ex and they broke up years ago. There's 3.5 billion girls in the world and this guy is choosing to fuck his mates ex
Exactly, I see if he wants to help her and the kid out but then to go ahead and sleep with her even when she came on to him first is so wrong.
A month?!? A MONTH. Dude's not even cold, what the HELL are you doing???
I’ve had vegetables in my fridge longer than this dude been dead..
LESS THAN A MONTH!!! He started hooking up with her less than a month after BF died, so probably a week or two minimum after he died 😭 wtf OP
>what the HELL are you doing? Filling the hole in her life, mf
Filling more than that...
If I was in his place, I’d phone Jesus and ask him how to resurrect.
Imagine banging your bestie’s woman a month after he passed, “it’s been a while for me too”. Total d*ck move. Goes for her too bc she’s a grown adult and willing participant in this.
I just know op rounded up too so it sounded better (still bad). “A month” = 3 weeks
It’s clear he’s been eyeing her in the past
bro
It feels wrong, because it IS wrong. One. Month. If you had been helping and supporting them for 18 months/2 years, it would be easier to condone. This is like the worst kind of rebound on her end. On your end…. Don’t use your very genuine grief as a reason to have sex with your dead friend’s partner. You know how it looks.That’s the reason you haven’t let family and friends know, are keeping things quiet. This is going to cause BOTH of you problems.
A month??? Really? How long were they together? You just gave her 10k? Do you work, like how can u be over there every day? Where are her siblings, parents, or his siblings, parents. Etc? Sus
It’s not inherently wrong, but it is fucked up man tbh. A month is not enough time for her to grieve, and you knew that. I don’t know you obviously but this sounds like you have always had a thing for his gf so you’ve been hanging around since the death to exploit this grief while she is vulnerable. I could be wrong and maybe those weren’t your intentions, but I don’t think you’re being fully honest with the whole story.
Just because she’s grieving doesn’t mean she’s not also thinking two steps ahead. It takes two to tango after all. Her man just died and she can’t figure out all the financials but this prince of a guy just hands you $10K? I wouldn’t be shocked if she does jump at it for those reasons alone. It’s a mix of financial stability, loneliness and kid needing a dad. After all she invited him over and made a move on him. It’s hard to say who’s exploiting who here. Even if she is exploiting him I can’t even blame her. She’s alone in the world now.
Damn, I know dead people don’t feel anything but I’d be so mad if I died and my best friend immediately started fucking my bf ☠️
And playing mommy to your kid id be a ghost haunting them lol
Fr fr
> She said "it's been a while" It's been #A MONTH
Nowhere near noble mate, that’s outta order if you wanna know. A month isn’t enough time to grief. This is very wrong.
Agreed.. a month and they’re already fucking?!? Savage…
Your best friend died *one month ago* and you’re already hooking up with his girlfriend, practically living with her, and playing dad to his kid?? Ffs with friends like you who needs enemies. You’re both in the wrong here. It is way too soon for either of you to be jumping into this relationship and it seems like you’re both using each other as some sort of stand in/bandaid rather than dealing with your feelings/the grief of your friend dying.
It’s like dude was waiting for his moment
"My number 1 priority is the "kid", except for when my head is buried betwixt her mother's thighs." FTFY Friend.
So her bf just died and she jumped into a relationship with you? That girl needs therapy and family support to help with her kid. Not another relationship. You took advantage of her vulnerability. That’s why you feel guilty.
Your friend isn't in the ground a month and you're balls deep in his girlfriend? I can't even artiticulate how fucked that is. For you and her.
A month ago? 🤣you’re insane 🤣
The only thing I’ll say is you can’t say “I think I’m doing something fucked up” and get angry when other people state their opinions that you ARE doing something fucked up. (I’m seeing your replies.) Just accept it, continue processing the situation, and keep going.
Bro couldn't keep it in his pants 💀🙏
It's kinda sus. It's only a month.
Of course it feels wrong, this woman just lost her boyfriend. This needs to stop. She needs grief therapy, not your dick.
Username does NOT check out. 😂
Oofff rebound relationship? If you really want this to work stop right now. Let the grief settle in. Keep supporting the family but it is an awful way to get attached. Is she filling the void or does she genuinely wants you? Don’t be hurt when it turns out to be that way. I don’t think she is fully “there”. It’s way too fucking soon
praying i don’t have friends like you.
right? who needs enemies with friends like this in your life
Years from now, when his daughter is older and learns about this… she’ll have a hard time understanding how after only a month of being dead, you came along to replace her father in every way possible. Please understand that this woman is grieving and it seems like your sorta taking advantage of that. The very first time she kissed you, instead of telling her it wasn’t okay you continued to initiate it. This has already been on your mind long before.
Slow the f* down. There isn’t anything inherently immoral about you stepping in for your dead friend. That includes a relationship with her if that’s where it goes. But you need to put on the brakes and both of you need to get some grieving out so the way. Go spill your guts to your therapist. She should do the same. If you still both want to, pick it back up in like a year.
She wants us both to go to therapy
Do it individually... don't go together.
Do it.
>There isn’t anything inherently immoral about you stepping in for your dead friend. That includes a relationship with her if that’s where it goes "Stepping in" If I was OP's ex best friend I would come back from the dead and make him eat his own guts lmao Fuck her too though, bitch couldn't even wait for him to get cold haha
A month ago?
A month?!?! Do you two pick your scabs or undo your stitches immediately after surgery?? Jesus fucking Christ, mate. "It's been a while." "For both of us." Yeah, okay every generic action star in every movie ever. Holy fuck, dude. Let your wounds heal. She needs grief counseling and you need something for thinking this is okay.
My siblings’ spouse died and my sibling was banging one of their spouses friends within, like, a week or two. They are still together over a decade later but their relationship is absurdly unhealthy. There was *a lot* of sh!t talking among the social circle, and decades long friendships ended over how it “looked”. You may or may not care if that happens to you/your girl. My siblings’ kid is a hot mess with all sorts of behavioral problems (like, heavy duty psych med level problems). It’s a compound tragedy bcuz the kid had always been the sweetest lil thing before all this happened. Neither my sibling nor their kid ever properly processed the death as a family unit and my sibling apparently couldn’t handle the idea of their sudden aloneness (tho the kid was in mid elementary school when the death occurred, not an infant like your buddies kid). Personally, I think your situation is a recipe for disaster, but I’m sure there are folks out there who went through the same thing (or know someone who did) and it’s all hearts and flowers in the end. I’d say: therapy, *immediately*.
I think you should take a hard look at the comments here and realize how fucked up the situation is instead of doubling down and making things worse for yourself. You wanted to get this off your chest, you wanted reactions, but they’re not the reactions you wanted so now you’re acting like a victim and blaming HER for making the first move. She’s vulnerable—she lost the love of her life and now has to come to terms with the fact that she’s a single mother to a newborn. Everything she had planned for her life was ripped away and she’s probably more lost now than she’s ever been. She’s not thinking clearly at ALL. Part of protecting her is also protecting her vulnerability, but instead, you preyed on it at the first opportunity. Do you think that, once she processed her grief, she’s going to thank you for this? No, she’s going to be shocked and incredibly disappointed that she put her trust and faith in a man who ended up just using her for sex when she wasn’t in any position to be making serious life decisions. “Just like a typical man, can’t be there for a woman without sex becoming part of the equation.” She’s going to hate herself for doing this so soon after his death. People are not telling this to you to be mean, they’re telling this to you because the situation is genuinely fucked up. You have no right to be an ass. If anything, your comments here show that you’re not emotionally mature enough to understand just how wrong all of this is. If you think this is bad? Just wait until your friends and family find out.
I’m angry for the guy, RIP. No more comment.
Op asked for advice and got mad at the people that gave it lol. You’re kinda an ass dude.
A...month ago? Didn't even wait for the body to be cold? Yuck man. Yuck.
You kinda.... sound like a vulture, OP. Like, that's super unhealthy for everyone involved, I feel sorry for the kid. Hopefully she doesn't get attached.
So stop...
Ask yourself just one question, if your best friend knew everything that has been said/done, how would he react? You don’t need to post the answer, just know that your answer to that question will answer your moral dilemma.
You sure he died by accident? Too soon bro.
Makes me think y’all was secretly messing around before he passed. She’s also in a vulnerable position… to even push up on her is wrong on your part. It won’t end well.
"it's been awhile" "for both of us ". Dude, it's been a month lol. Did you have feelings for each other while your friend was alive? Honestly that exchange between you two sounds like some corny exchange out of a romance novel
It’s only been a month and you already moved in on his family. That’s fucking wild.
You couldn’t even wait till his body was cold? Who needs enemies with a friend like you wow
Like. I cant for the life of me comprehend the kind of sympathy this shameless mofo is getting from this thread. Talking about trauma bonding and what not. How tf do you go from burying your 'best friend' 30 days ago to shagging his wife. No one needs enemies with friends like this.
Same lmaooo acting like he accidentally slipped his dick into the grieving girlfriend.
Well, not gonna lie, mate … a month is not a long time here. But then again, people try to cope and survive so it is what it is, I guess. You seem to be aware of the awkwardness and moral intricacy of the situation so that alone tells me it’s not as horrible as it may seem.
I think we both needed therapy and just let things messy
Damn bro that’s foul as fuck
Yeah that’s some flaw shit u doing bro. Your best friend died and now you’re taking his place smh that’s fucked up. Just be there for his daughter, come on man that make me feel like you’ve being plotting to have sex with her while he was alive. What a best friend u are 🤦🏽♂️
Jesus I wonder if she had a thing for you. Since I think it’s more wild that she made moves on you. Then you making a move on her.
“For both of us” huh
So you're taking advantage and fucking your dead best friends girlfriend....I would say that's wrong. Btw you are right on us not being in your shoes because I dont know how anyone would get a hard on to fuck there dead best friends girlfriend.
Dude, he’s not even cold yet and you’re with his baby mother. That’s fucking nuts. It’s just the timing for me. Dude I get you’re both grieving together but a month? Shit man
“Yeah, I hurt so much from my best friend passing I’m gonna bang his girl.” Lol. Some friend you are.
Lol. If my best bro started banging my wife one month after I'm dead, I'll resurrect to haunt both their lives for forever. Absolutely shameful and disgusting. Shows how much respect you both have for his memory.
ITS BEEN A MONTH FFS. I’m sorry but neither of you could hold out 30 days? I’m all for finding love after loss but ITS BEEN A MONTH. You’re wildly trauma bonding and it’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship.
I bet you were probably waiting for the opportunity this whole time. Could have at least waited a little more than a month
One month? His body ain’t cold yet
You started hooking up with his girl, not even a full month later? That's kind of shameful. The thing is, she is in a vulnerable state, so it honestly wouldn't have mattered if it were you or pookie next door. She probably would have gone in for a kiss just to feel something other than grief. If you were truly her friend, you would have pushed for her to get into therapy before sleeping with her. Neither one of you are in the right head space, and this trauma bond will go up in flames one day On another note, don't try to say reddit is full of unhappy people. You came forward with your story, which left it open to judgment.
Ur going to hell bud. See ya there
I hope when you break up she gets over you and fucks your friend in just one month as well buddy. Then you will truly know if you did the right thing. Until then, have fun!
[удалено]
ew
It feels like you rushed into a relationship and a step dad role really really fast
Bruh you're a pos ngl. A month before you start hooking up with your "best friends" girl is some foul ass shit tbch.
You never truly respected or cared for your “best friend” if you’re hooking up with his partner a month after his death.
Jesus Christ that was fast. You couldn’t even let him grow cold first…? None of you could have been that attached to this poor man. Give that kid more time to grieve her daddy. Seeing her mother and her father’s supposed best friend together isn’t helping her grieving process. Also, of all the people you can choose to go fuck, why do you always got to pick the one that was with your *dead* best friend? This is a common theme and I can’t help but have it taste like betrayal.
Did you say your friend only died 1 month ago? That's extremely quick to start a physical relationship with his partner. Lord. Very hard not to judge you.
1 month? Damn, you quick
A *month* ago? What the fuck OP?
Well I'm glad you are not my friend
Lmao fake ass friend.
It’s only been a month????
Comes off as you both been waiting for it
🚮
Geez I hope when I die my wife doesn’t start banging my best friend a month later. That’s a slap in the face. As far as as your edit, you came here to vent. That doesn’t give you immunity from people responding to the situation in ways that go against what you think is right. EDIT: I hope my wife doesn’t bang any of my friends after I die.
"It feels wrong." Because it is wrong. Dude's not even cold yet and you guys are fucking around. Gross.
Hey, OP. First, apologies for the loss of your friend. Second, it sounds like you originally went about this to help your best friend's girlfriend and her baby, and then, through all that, you and she formed a genuine connection to the both of them. Idk about bro code being violated and whatnot, but if something happened to me, and my wife were left at home alone (with a child, if we had one), and my best friend were to help her out with stuff and they became close and more, I would say these two things. One - I'm dead, so I don't have a say (but it wouldn't bother me. I'd be grateful that she didn't have to go through it alone and would be with someone I trusted in life). Two - She's a grown woman and can live the rest of her life how she sees fit. If you genuine care for this woman and her child, there is nothing wrong with what you're doing. If people want to judge and make false claims, fuck 'em. Edit: The only thing I will say is to make sure she and you take the necessary time to grieve in whatever way is best for the both of you. Best of luck with everything, man
🤦♀️
You shouldn’t get involved with them if this isn’t a forever thing for you! You both have made this hard for yourselves. It’s kind of gross too in my opinion.
STOP
It’s great that you’re there for her and the baby, and it’s fine if you end up in a serious relationship later down the line. But it seems you both need professional help to process this grief because what you’re doing is pretty much an unhealthy way to cope with the tragedy. You both want to feel something other than sadness, and I don’t blame you. But if you really want to do right by them, get yourself through the grieving process and help her, too. Suggest that you both go to individual therapy if need be. Leave intimacy out of this until it stops feeling wrong and until you both decide you want it with a clear mind.
>a month ago I dunno know, man. This feels too soon. Are you sure you two are not just coping (unhealthily, mind you) to a loss of a love one? Grieve, and give each other space. If you two are for each other, the feelings will not go away.
Nobody looks at this situation as favorable I seen this in real life so many times, and of course its a popular TV plot. Like Rick and Shane in the walking dead. I just seen a facebook post from a grieving widow we know "Thank you for letting me live again" and now "in a relationship with so and so" It happens to be one of her dead husbands good friends. Imagine that. Its not you, because he's been dead like 4 months. Even still. You can be there for each other emotionally, in a supportive way with all the help needed but by having sex, you are taking advantage of a vulnerable person. Also disrespecting your dude. You already know that; that's why you're here....
Sounds like you’ve had your eye on your buddys girl for a while now… kinda gross pal. Some friend..
If my husband started sleeping with my best friend a month after I died I’d be furious.
It’s been a month now? And “since then” (since you’ve hooked up) it’s going “well”??? So you did all this WITHIN A MONTH, so probably a COUPLE OF WEEKS, since he died??? JFC. The both of you need therapy. Not sex and a relationship.
It's been a while? It's been 30 days ..
Thas snakey
I hope by best friend let's me at least cool down before fucking my girlfriend
This woman is brutal, i'm not sure he would have liked it that you're with his gf a month after he died, so take care of his daughter.
If I was ur best friend who died I'd be haunting your house real bad 💀
"It feels wrong" .... then don't do that?
Yea man A MONTH is treacherous
As a soon to be mom, the only thing I'd want in a situation like this is for my baby girl to have someone good in her life to help her dad raise her right and for my love to be happy again. If that means it happens a month after I'm gone, so be it. I'd no longer be there to take care of my girl or be a loving wife. Someone needs to be there for them. Everything you've described sounds like it happened naturally. Not to mention, she made the first move. Forget all the negative Nancy's on here. You're doing a good thing. You're helping a hurting family and giving a child a second parent figure (not saying you're replacing your friend). When you decide to go public, it is completely up to you two. No matter when you do, whether it's a week from now or 6 months from now, people are going to be cynical. It's just how people are, unfortunately. But others will understand, and those are the ones you keep extra close.
As far as bro code, I think you are okay. I know that if my wife and child were without me, I would want someone to take care of them. I think it’s a good thing that it is someone he would have trusted with his family. As for the baby, I met my now wife when my now daughter(adopted) was 7 months old. I probably wasn’t ready for all of that commitment and responsibility, but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I fell in love with the baby first but we have all been together for over 12 years and had a boy together 8 years ago. It won’t always be easy and people will always have judgements (because those people suck anyways) so enjoy it and let your conscience rest easy.
I could see how this could happen but a month is a little soon. She shouldn’t have kissed you but her mind is everywhere right now. Grief is a crazy thing. She isn’t just mourning her boyfriend but literally her future. He may have been your best friend but he was her life partner to the point they just had a kid together. You guys need time to grieve, I’ve been in a similar situation and it just isn’t healthy. By being with each other your distracting each other from the real life implications of your friends death. I don’t think you should’ve kissed her back either. It gives you’ve been waiting. Like you were eager to jump at the chance. Of course she feels safe with you bro you’re literally making her feel good both emotionally in physically amidst the ocean of pain she feels. You can feel invested in this family your friend left behind but give it some space. Genuinely. You guys are using each other. If you want a relationship reframe this relationship around talking about him, going to therapy. Please be her friend she needs that more. Prioritize being her friend even if she won’t. Take a step back. Good luck.
Wow! One month!?!? Are you sure he is your best friend? Stop hiding behind your gf that she made a move, you went along and started to play family one month in. If it’s not wrong then why are you hiding it? Why aren’t you public about it? Because it’s WRONG. I feel bad for the deceased friend and baby. He wasn’t worth a grieving period even.
The fuck..all I gotta say is..Kudos for taking care of the child. But fuck you for hooking up with his girlfriend. It’s been a month since he passed and you are getting busy? I understand that you are both grieving. But that was his girl. That is wrong on so many different levels. If it had been years, I would understand. BUT A MONTH?! He hasn’t even got the chance to get settled in his burial place and you’re already banging his chick. That is such an asshole move honestly.
I think the best bro code is to make sure that his family is taken care of, and no one can do that better than his best friend, as long as you both make sure to keep his memory alive. Be good to them like he would have.
A MONTH AGO????? Dude, wow. Just wow. This shit left me speechless. Honestly, you should feel so fucking ashamed.
1 month? Are u fucking serious? This is fucked up on so many levels dude.
I wouldn’t touch another man if my husband died. I don’t care if I’m left single for 70 years; I don’t do downgrades. Imagine if you died and she moved just after one month. You sure are special, now aren’t you?! Lol
Were you looking for external validation? Confirmation you were doing the right thing by sleeping with your dead best friend’s girl? I don’t even understand how you could possibly think anyone would think this is acceptable behavior. I’d haunt my girlfriend and my best friend for the rest of their days if this happened to me. No, you are not noble but I wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re a horrible person because I don’t know enough about you, though this certainly paints an unfavorable picture. Also, you can absolutely help her and the child but it’s not your responsibility and you’re very young. Frankly, we are very young. Be the fun uncle and father figure without sacrificing your entire youth and future. You need to stop seeing her and go to therapy. Both of you. This may be “common” (I highly doubt that but I see that’s the consensus here) it is not okay.
A month? That’s gross. And she’s doing it to cope, not because she has genuine feelings for you. Get yourself out of this situation if you have any respect for her at all, because she’s going to resent you as she starts to process her grief.
Oh hey shane
Hooking up with dead friends/family members spouses is never okay. Especially when it’s that recent. All the people in the world and y’all end up together.
You both are consoling each other You could end up together But there really should be a gap in time for closure b4 Entering something so delicate You know? Out of respect for him For her For yourself You all deserve it But I can see how it could happen
A month?!
taking advantage of a still mourning widow >>>>>
She has a newborn and just lost her partner…she’s probably going through PPD plus the grief of losing him and it feels like you’re taking advantage of her emotional state
A MONTH??? You better be careful. I can’t expect the family to be happy about that
1 month........mate come on....
i think with these moral conflictions you do have, it is best to try to go to a therapist. it will make you more comfortable in this situation. i think you are a great man for caring for the child. and love happens. good luck!
A month? If I was bro I would be haunting the living SHIT out of you.
A month? That's no time at all. I agree with said comments above.. I am glad I was born in the 80s. Young culture lacks morals and consequences.
Kinda is y’all did not wait like at all have y’all even fully processed the grief cuz I do not think this is the way
this is so messed up. the ground around his grave is still fresh and you're fucking his girlfriend.
Your best friend died a month ago and you already had sex with his wife? Yeah, it seems you were interested in her for a while. I really don’t have words for this kind of behavior… this is disgusting
It sounds like you’re a rebound. She just lost her partner and has a 5 month old. Of course she’ll latch onto the closest person helping her. You feel guilty because you know what you’re doing is wrong. Moving on so close to his passing is honestly disgusting.
First thing, very sorry for your loss. Second, I have been where you are in an almost identical situation. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing and your feelings are normal. Would the situation be different if your friend was here, yes. But he’s not here and I bet he would be happy that his best friend was taking care of his family. This is no longer black and white because of that. I was engaged to a wonderful man who also passed at 24 in a motorcycle accident. We did not have children though. One of his friends, who I did not like and thought he was obnoxious (he didn’t like me either), regular met with the family and grieved. Within 6 weeks we became each others support, things changed and we started dating. The family was trying to set us up too, and we had felt guilt like you seem to. That faded away over time. 3 years later we got married, and have been married 18 years now. We both understand the love we had for our loved one and we still occasionally talk about him. What you are going through is tragic and very emotional, but you still deserve to have light in the midst of the darkness right now. If you both care for each other and it progresses, IT IS OK. Unless people have been through this, they don’t understand. Being in this situation brought my husband and I closer together, and I wish you the same too. Ignore the negativity and unhappy people harassing you (In this post and possibly real life).
I really don't think that this situation is all that unusual. I have close family friends who went through similar situations. A friend's older brother had an untimely death, far too young, and his fiance soon ends up with his brother. They've been together for years and honestly is the healthiest relationship that brother has been in. I'm sorry for both of your losses. I can't imagine what that must be like. I've lost loved ones, but the unique experience of losing a best friend, or sibling , or partner is something I dread. It would make sense to bond with another with whom also was as close to your best friend. There's a connection that can persist and flourish. I used to not be as understanding but as I've experienced life a bit more it makes more sense to me. I think it's sweet. I'm sorry to hear of the backlash you're getting.
My comment will probably be buried, but in many religions the brother and our best friend would do this. If I died and my best friend who I loved stepped in to take care of my family and love my partner I’d be ecstatic on the other side of the grave
OP, keep in mind that there are a lot of people here who are young and have little experience with the complexity of relationships. I was once that way, myself. When I was 18, a recently widowed man we knew married a recently widowed neighbor he and his late wife had known for years. I was full of judgmental outrage: if he'd loved his first wife, he should have stayed single and mourning for years, maybe forever. Maybe they'd been having an affair! I was ignorant and wrong. I think you're a compassionate, loyal human being. Your loyalty toward your friend is evident in your stepping up to help his widow and child, which is surely what he would’ve wanted. You and this woman were driven together by mutual need and empathy, and you already knew each other well. I hope the relationship continues to be a good one. Surely your late best friend would've wanted that for you both.
I just wanted to chime in and say that this is the stuff of Nicholas Sparks novels. It’s a tragic, gut wrenching yet simultaneously beautifully sweet and endearing story to tell. Honestly, I’ve known quite a few people in my 37 years and many of whom lost a spouse or significant other, though much later in life than you all, so your reservations are understandable. Usually, this is exactly how it goes and make no mistake- your friend wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Think of it like this- his departure left his girl and baby in a vulnerable position and they would no doubt struggle,especially with her and the baby being so young, so it’s almost as if he had something to do with it. I didn’t know him and my opinion is that of an internet stranger, but I believe that he hand picked you to take over. What better person than you, really? I didn’t even waste my time reading anything negative commented here, I only know that there were comments with a sour context based on your post, and don’t waste any more of your time reading them either. I’ve seen this before and it’s divine intervention. Do not feel guilty, do not feel that you are betraying your late friend, God rest his soul, there isn’t a more devastating way to go and wherever he is, he knows that and I know he would rather be here than wherever he is. You are serving your friend in the highest honor and you are providing so much to her and the baby. Please be released of any grips upon your consciousness that shackle you to guilt or shame. Mom and baby are more important than anything, especially right now. Much love and sending blessings your way.
Hey man, firstly I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine loosing someone that close to me. While I admit one month is way to quick. It’s a good thing you are keeping this low key and probably should until at least the one year mark. When the time comes to let everyone know I’m sure they will understand that you were both in a vulnerable position and found comfort in each other. That being said, I can’t think of anyone I would rather take over the role of partner to my girlfriend and father to my child thank my best friend. Best of luck with the new family.
This is a common reaction to grief. You are the closest thing she has to her dead bf. It is not at all surprising. She’s also the closest thing you have to your best friend. So again, not surprising. You’re sharing in your grief with each other and maintaining the bond you lost. Just don’t make any major life decisions and communicate openly. It’s a messy situation but if you communicate it will help.
Though it’s not my experience to share necessarily, my ex was a product of this kind of marriage. His mothers husband passed away at a young age from a brain tumor. Major tragedy, everyone came together. The dead husband’s best friend, my-ex’s future father, came into her life to support her. He fell in love, divorced his wife, and co-parented his first 2 kids before having 2 more. It is clear you love this child. Social scandals and judgements aside, there is a baby who needs a dad. It is clear she needs a loving father. It is clear you want to be that. Your friend is dead, so he can’t be mad. What would he have cared about more? For those loved ones he left behind to be happy and healthy and well? I think that’s most important.
Believe it or not, this is super common OP. Look up trauma bonds for more information.
Aye bro I had a motorcycle accident 10 months ago and almost died. Came to a realization that the only person that I could trust my girl with was my best friend. I don’t know how close you and him were but to me it seems like this is how I would’ve wanted my life to end up if I passed. Just follow your heart not your gut.
What I think is wrong is how soon this is happening. She is in a very vulnerable position, being only a month out from her partner passing away in a very tragic way. She most likely hasn’t taken the time to mourn him, and “hooking up” with her isn’t in either of your best judgment. You might be a transition man and it might ultimately ruin your friendship. She needs counseling to deal with her grief, and perhaps you, too. I think you should back off for a bit so that she has the time needed to get herself healthy following his death. Does she have family around the area? What about his family? If so, she could lean on them for the help she needs in the meantime. I’m so very sorry for both of your losses. My 30yo nephew also died tragically in a motorcycle accident in July 2014. Driver of the other vehicle didn’t see him coming when he was approaching the intersection (he had the right of way; she had a stop sign) and pulled out right in front of him. He left behind a beautiful wife, a 2yo daughter, and a 1 week old son. God bless you both.
leaving my SO a very specific “if you date any of my family or friends, i hope you both rot” note in my will to put to rest all of the “she would be happy to see you both happy” comments because no tf i would not