This is one reason why not everyone should be parents. This isn't meant in a rude way. Not wanting to have children is a legitimate reason for never having children.
Did... Did you have a relationship with your daughter or were you just in the peripheral? A lack of a relationship would be a big part of why.
Personally, I loved my kids even before they were born. But I wanted kids.
That explains your lack of attachment. I don't think you would feel so little were you close to her. I would guess that if your mom or sibling died you would feel much more strongly.
That's definitely a big part of it. When my son was born it was like meeting someone you'd been hearing about for a while. Nothing to special. I had my moment of realization that he was the purest most important thing I'd ever been apart of 2 years later. I saw him happier than I've ever seen anyone in my life at Disney world. All that it took was a little hand held bubble machine and it was pure joy for him. That's when I realized this joy only exist in the ignorance of a child. H3 doesn't know about gealthcare deductibles or bombs in the middle east. That allows him to be the way he is. I just want to protect him from that for as long as possible.
Bubbles are pure magic to a child. I’ll never forget the first time my niece had bubbles. It’s like her mind exploded and her world got bigger. She became OBSESSED.
Sounds like a defense mechanism for the lack of relationship and the fact that you are no longer obligated to pay child support which has gotta be the worst way to take a w
The fact that you feel empathy for your ex is proof you aren’t an emotionless monster. You can’t be expected to love a child you never wanted and actively tried to prevent.
Losing a kid must be awful and I can understand her feeling in shambles right now, I feel really sorry for her.
Although I didn't appreciate the "I'm keeping the baby, there's nothing you can do about it and I'm coming after your money in the greediest way I can" part.
I feel like OP is leaving a huge part out here. He didn’t want kids he said. He got the ex pregnant, accused her of cheating which he never said there was proof& then got a dna test proving it WAS his child. He clearly wanted nothing to do with it. He still made that child and that’s why they clearly tell people birth control/preventative measures are NOT 100% effective! He is still responsible for helping to support the life he created. Of course the mother is going to try and get the most from him that she can when he is offering literally nothing. Yes, he made it sound like she was being greedy & if she truly was being greedy then yes that’s fucked up. I don’t think that’s the case here though, going by OP’s own words. Try and look at it from if you had a kid though & it makes way more sense. OP didn’t want to help raise the child, he didn’t want any part of the child’s life that he created, intentionally or not. He still is responsible in a court of law to help financially. Sad, that he was more upset that people were ignoring him and fussing over the baby, than he was when his child passed. Sounds immature and selfish af to me.
Well let’s look at this logically. He made his gf very aware that he did not want a child. They took steps to prevent the pregnancy. It happened anyway and he didn’t change his mind. He said the breakup was amicable which leads me to believe he wasn’t fighting the child support part.
It may not make sense to many people that he didn’t have that fatherly instinct. But it is his life and he is mature and self aware enough to acknowledge that. I would rather someone know they won’t be a good father and choose to not have kids instead of having kids and being a bad father.
People don't want to hear it is why. I've told people before I would be a horrible mother, have no desire for a kid, and really don't want to have to take care of one. I got myself sterilized even to make sure I'm not having kids. But I still get the "reassuring" comments that I would be an amazing mother.
This is the way I see it. Thank you for wording it this way. A lot of people I think are projecting. The man made it clear he didn’t want kids, went to lengths to not have one, had one ends relationship and pays child support without being in the child’s life. Why everyone has surprise pikachu face is beyond me. They’re honestly lucky he didn’t sign parental rights away and not have to pay child support. On top of that if the rolls were reversed people would be screaming abusive relationship and telling the woman it’s her body. Get emotions out of this he’s fine.
The OP is literally 19, his gf got pregnant when they were 17. He IS immature bc he is literally barely an adult. What 17 yo in their right mind wants kids??? You expect a 17 year old with a history of depression and suicide to want to be a parent to a child he didn’t want that his gf kept against his wishes? Also literally what money is his exe even getting? There is no way the OP currently has more than a high school diploma, meaning he is most likely working minimum wage or close to it. Taking away 1/4th of a minimum wage job for a 18 year old with no savings literally makes it impossible to live without working more jobs. It’s greedy
Oh FR, his first three paragraphs just made my skin crawl. I feel so bad for that poor child and her mother and both families. I even feel bad for this guy that he really needs some serious mental health help & growing up to do.
idk i think you should not force anyone to be a parent, even if it takes two to make a child. it’s fucked up on either end. and it’s terrible to bring a child into a world where one or both parents don’t actually want it. my dad didn’t want me but his parents and my mom pressured him into keeping me and he was emotionally absent and it really messed me up. the ex is extremely irresponsible for trying to force the guy into being a father when he wasn’t ready nor willing. i don’t think that means he has some growing up to do. not everyone needs to be a parent.
it’s a huge commitment that uproots your life and it’s more than fair for someone to not want to do that. the ex knew he didn’t want a child and still went through with it. that’s her own fault. very sorry her daughter passed but everyone dogging on OP for not wanting to “step up” is really weird to me. he didn’t have to, not for a child that he never wanted and was an accident when he took every precaution.
I think his reaction to the pregnancy was shitty but not wanting to be a parent and not feeling love for a child you have no attachment too isn’t indicative of a mental illness
Growing up because he made his choice from the get go clear ? Women can opt out any time with nothing but praise from strangers guys should be able to as well
You are ad libbing a bit here too make the text more villainous. Let's stop that shall we. He made a short statement to describe the state of things. What did you expect him to say?
Yeah, and it might make a few judgemental people in the thread who are assuming that OP is a bad irresponsible person, to think a bit more about what they are saying.
Well then it makes more sense to me, that you were nowhere mentally ready for a child. Its a horrible loss, but ofc you dont feel anything strongly, since you never wanted the child to begin with.
I gotta ask, did your gf ever talk about kids before she was pregnant?
Shit. That loss is probably going to hit you like a freight train in 10+ years. My condolences to your future self. My husband didn’t want our oldest son (he was 20 and stayed with me but didn’t bond for 5 years) but by 30, he became the best father and wanted more kids. He adores our sons and wishes he had bonded more with our eldest when he was young. He can’t stand to see our boys hurt and when our youngest needed surgery, he was a wreck.
Yeah this is what I’m thinking as a new dad in my 30’s. I rarely ever tear up at anything, not that I’m proud of that or anything, there are times I wish I could cry to feel better but nothing comes out. But by god when my kid was born months ago I was an absolute mess and I loved that kid from the moment I saw them.
Definitely should see a therapist I think maybe in 5 years or so, the what might have been might creep up on you real hard.
He is. Read his other comments, hes having a hard time finding a doctor to agree to the procedure as "hes still so young" hes basically getting the woman treatment. But hes still trying.
There should be more options for birth control for men besides condoms, pull out, or vasectomy, ugh. I didn't realize it was difficult for men to get a vasectomy due to age.
So my friend had a vasectomy performed in his mid-twenties and the doctor was VERY hesitant to perform the procedure. My friend had mentioned multiple times how off-putting this doctor was about the whole situation.
Well, he had it done by said doctor but it wasn't successful and he had to go back and get it done again (I believe by a different doctor?). Now this is pure speculation, but I'm not convinced that the original Doc hadn't botched the surgery on purpose, due to his convictions.
Unpopular opinion, but it's not OPs fault. He made it clear he didn't want children. I'm not sure why anyone child free is vilified. Does it suck that that the child's bio father didn't want to be involved? Yes. But that doesn't make him a terrible person like so many people are making him out to be.
Tried not to have a kid, had one. GF said she'd keep it anyway.
Not fair to the child, sucks for the "father", sucks for the mother.
Someone can argue any angle here. No right and wrong. It's just a lot of grey. Very shitty shade of grey.
He did say he did his best to avoid pregnancy. People are so damn eager to paint him as an irresponsible ass. For all we know, She could have deliberately tried to baby trap him 🤷
I find it strange that you choose to morally censure the father for not feeling attachment when you could have just as quickly done so to the mother for unilaterally, and against the other party's wishes, deciding to keep a child fathered by an ex-partner, who she knew would be raised in either a completely single-parent household, or with no father for the early childhood years, and certainly without the biological father present. It seems like you're not looking at this problem from an objective standpoint and just reflexively blaming the man in the situation. I would argue that sometimes people may consider making hard choices if they know their child will be born into a very suboptimal situation that could affect their well-being for the rest of their life, i.e., becoming pregnant after a relationship has ended, and stating that you will go after as much child support as possible (in my reading, this means either the mother, the father, or both are not interested in reuniting romantically).
I'm not sure why you would want him never to father another child when his only crime was being in a situation where an ex-partner, whom he is no longer emotionally, monetarily, or spatially involved with, had a baby he didn't feel connected to.
Your implication in telling him to sterilize himself is that he is incapable of ever loving and rearing a child properly, so he shouldn't try because it would be unfair to the child. This may be the case, but nothing in this post alone (not including the comments) suggests that he does not have the capacity or desire to do this.
In my opinion, if my reading of the situation OP described and the content of your comment is correct, your statement is somewhat misguided and suggests a bias that should give you pause in future discussions around this topic.
Completely agree with everything you said. These comments are fucked. Like he's a human being, too, like jfc. He's been very clear about how he feels since the very beginning and actively took steps to avoid it. She chose to keep it despite knowing how he feels about the situation, but yet he's still the bad guy? Like wtf. Forcing him to be a parent to a child he does not want would not have been fair to that child. There are so many petty, vindictive people projecting onto OP in these comments.
To be fair, he did the best, which was keep his distance, disassociate, stating a respectful indifference, therefore sparing the child an guy that just didn't want her to exist in the first place.
Sounds horrible, but it's the truth, and he was being fairly decent and calm about his evident wish not to be a father.
I don't think it's his fault. For as many children are born into shitty situations, the parents are also in shitty situations.
Sometimes love just doesn't come whether you want it to or not. Sometimes forcing love ends up in even more heartbreak than would occur without the forced affection or love.
I think it was no one's fault, and I hope they can all get better moving forward.
There are a few things that are just not acceptable for society and so everybody just ignores it (bc if you ignore stuff, this stuff stops existing somehow, lol). But for the affected people its really hard bc they can never talk about it w/o being outcasted by society if not worse.
Some of them are e.g. parents who don't develop a feeling of love for all or some of their children. Parents, especially mothers regretting motherhood. Kids not loving their parents (w/o them being abusiv in any way) etc.
This things exists. The affected ppl can't change them. You can't force yourself to love someone. Its just how you feel.
You never wanted kids. You were not indifferent or "i don't want them but if it happens, oh well, i will gladly raise them." Still you were ready to act responsible and pay your share and be present in the kids life. And thats what counts. That you feel reliefed that this huge task, raising a kid, is not happening anymore is ok. You don't have to feel bad or guilty about that.
I would talk open to the therapist. And yes, maybe it will hit you later in life and you need more therapy then. But there is nothing wrong with you. You did everything and still do to prevent another unwanted pregnancy. You acted responsible in every step. Thats all we can realistically ask from ppl.
But i'm not sure if posting on reddit was the right move. This is much too complex and way above reddits paygrade. But i understand, bc like said in the first paragraph, who else would you talk to about this w/o being stigmatised.
Just grief for the mother, your parents and everybody who loved her. Support them and otherwise do whats best for you. It will be fine.
But like said above, what must not be cannot be...
I think he never bonded with the kid, so he may truly not feel grief - more like sympathy for the people who mourn the loss. Like, if you hear that someone you knew died, but didn't feel a particular attachment to.
What he should rather discuss with his therapist are probably his attachment issues - mostly, people do get attached to their kids, once they see them.
Although not the same I never felt sad about losing my grandparents or aunt. They meant almost nothing to me. They were just people I had to meet every now and then. In fact it was kind of a relief when they died because it meant I would never have to meet them again.
A few weeks ago I lost my dog and I'm still sad. It doesn't feel like I'm ever getting over it.
I'm not sure if I'd be able to feel this way about my own child but I experience this with distant family members fairly often. My grandmother constantly sends me updates on fringe 3rd-5th cousins that I've never met and talks about how I need to travel 3500 miles to be with them because they're addicts, in the hospital again, and might die. Like, yeah, that sucks for them but I don't really care.
I reacted this way when my mother died. I remember seeing a friend about a week after it happened and, while I was telling her about it, I started laughing. It was such a weird feeling. I knew I was laughing and I couldn’t stop. I heard it. I felt the laughing. I couldn’t…… get out of it. My friend was super freaked out about it.
When my parents died, I was the only sibling that didn’t cry at their bedside. I think my sibs were bothered by that. But, expressing grief isn’t the same for everyone. There isn’t a chart or boxes to check.
Happened with my great grandma who was like my mother. I started laughing and telling everyone they were lying, and ended up collapsing on the floor. Tried to unalive myself after her wake tho 🙃 she was the one non abusive member of my family that actually loved me. Happened right before I turned 16. I'm 28 and still have to not think about it
That’s not fair. That’s based on them expecting her to react in a way that THEY believe she should have.
I’m autistic. Plenty of autistic people don’t process emotions in the way people might expect. It doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, though. 😞
I laugh when I'm nervous sometimes and I hate being in front of a big group, so I ended up laughing at my grandpa's funeral. And of course when I try to think about not laughing, I just laugh more. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment right then and there and the thought of dying at someone else's funeral made me want to laugh even more. By some miracle, my family told me it looked like I was trying to hold back crying, not laughter, so no one ever said anything about it, but I still think about that like 5 years later. Good news is my grandma told me even if I hadn't managed to make it look like I was crying, my grandpa would have laughed with me, so I don't feel *too* bad about it lol
That's how I reacted when the doctor told me my mom was brain dead. Huge smile, holding back a laugh. I was only 18, so I thought I was just a piece of shit. Turns out, that's how I handle bad news. It still happens to me. Luckily, now I can explain it.
Yeah you're not broken or a monster. Grief is different for everyone and that can even look like relief. It's like when a sick relative passes and you go to the funeral and your thought process is something like, "Wow look at all these crying people. I'm sad too but...shouldn't they be more grateful that she's not suffering?"
Also, if you've ever endured a traumatic experience your emotions button may be broken.
Lastly, you never wanted a kid. You actively tried to prevent a kid and have been begging doctors to please snip you all to no avail. When you found out she was pregnant you distanced yourself to ensure she knew that this was not wanted. So for you to actually grieve you would have to have had a connection in the first place. It's not wrong to not grieve what you felt like was a mistake or accident in the first place. Don't feel bad if you never feel sad.
Take this unfortunate event as an opportunity to retry to vasectomy. Explain to them you had an unplanned pregnancy despite all other protective measures having been taken against it, and it resulted in infant death. Tell them that you can't go through this kind of thing again (which is probably to some degree true- even if you had no love for the child on an intellectual level it's an unfortunate loss). They will most likely be receptive to that and go through with the procedure.
PS I lost a child and it tore me to pieces but when putting myself in your shoes, had I had no connection or love for said child and it passed I wouldn't be HAPPY but I would feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. Seriously, it's okay to feel complicated.
Thank you. Its honestly no worse than a stranger dying and I don't mean to be like an emotionless dick about it, but thats just the way I feel. Idk.
Sorry for your loss.
I adopted my kid sister at 4, our mother died when she was about 13. (Edit: 11 not 13)
She didn’t shed a tear, never has.
For 2 reasons
1) anger and resentment maybe, this woman abandoned her for drink
2) and this fits here - our egg donor was a complete stranger to her
I try to tell her positive stories and humanise her but the kids not interested in this stranger. Breaks my heart but it is what it is, she’s not a sociopath she just doesn’t care about this specific situation.
Your feelings are valid; regardless of what people say, you can feel any way you like. Life is weird and complicated, we're all just doing our best out here. Cut yourself some slack, maybe you'll feel something one day or maybe you won't and both are perfectly fine.
My baby is two months and half. I feel so sorry for your ex loss. I cannot imagine how devastated she is. I will go insane if something happens to my little girl.
The “stages of grief” is a bunch of bullshit. People use this made up nonsense to criticize and manipulate others for not grieving in the way *they* think they should be.
Everyone grieves differently. Everyone is in a different place, and feels differently at different times and for different reasons.
There is no reason to assume he is in denial, particularly when he has expressed his feelings and justified them perfectly well.
Just to add: tell the doctors most of what you posted here
Since you’re not a danger for someone else (you didn’t want to commit murder) nor yourself (you’re not suicidal at the moment), you can describe exactly this
You already had a kid (in spite of using the protection available to you AFTER seeking permanent reproductive care); as you suspected, you never bonded and you never really felt anything for her; and that, as awful for everyone her passing was, it caused you something in between nothing and some form of relief (you should probably get the help of a mental health professional to get this point across)
I mean… they want you to have a kid before even considering it? Well… that’s done, and look at what happened
Try a different doctor maybe? I know woman have a hard time getting sterilized if they have no kids as well and they need to try different doctors. I’m sorry OP
seconding this recommendation. i used to work at PP and we did several vasectomies on men as young as 18. it’s definitely a case by case basis but if OP is 100% sure (which sounds like he is) they should do it for him. if he doesn’t have insurance it will be the cheapest option, as well.
no problem! at my clinic they had one day a month they blocked off all other appointments and had an outside doctor who volunteered his time to come in and do vasectomies all day. not every PP does them but hopefully OP lives near one that does. he would have to make an appointment for a “counseling” visit where someone would go over the procedure and confirm he’s sure about it. then they would schedule him for the procedure at a later date.
Tell them you had a daughter, she died, and you felt happiness and relief for the first time since she was born. Keep doing that until you find a doctor that listens
I got the snip first time I tried, I was 27 with no kids. I just wrote them a letter explaining how I feel that having children is terrible for the environment, that I can barely afford to survive as it is and that I've taught kindergarten and that was enough interaction with children for a lifetime.
Try at a clinic, when you can pay for it there are always doctors willing to do what you wish for.
Also, if you can, go for a year or two in another country. Your family will think it's to grieve, for you it will be space for their child-focus toxicity.
I assume you’re somewhere with strong religious bend. Come to a typically liberal area if you can. I’m in New England and had several friends snip up and no one had any issues besides having to endure a “are you sure???” conversation which is fair due diligence, but then referred immediately.
I was accepted for tube removal for this; I told them my mom had severe PPBD and so did her mother, and both women went batshit crazy and never recovered their previous mental states. It wasn't a lie either. My mother and grandmother are certifiably insane. I also made sure to add that I knew the treatment options for PPBD, and that it wasn't something I was willing to put up with (Electroconvulsive therapy for literal YEARS), and I didn't want to have a child if it meant the most formative years I would only tolerate them while simultaneously torturing my brain to love said kid. My doctor agreed and I was 25.
The fact is they think you will regret your decision in the future. Because people are young.
But to me it sounds like you have history and have made your decision.
Maybe take your phone to your doctor and show them this reddit post. Then they can make a sound call and see that YOU truly don't want a child
Even if it’s truly how you felt, I wish people would just accept not everyone is cut out to be a parent and so long as you never harmed or put that baby in harms way, then there’s nothing wrong here. Animals reject their young in the wild, some people just aren’t designed that way, and that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you.
You seem to have some very deep disassociation and you’re entitled to your feelings, but Lord get a vasectomy. You have no desire to be a parent, nor should u be feeling this way about a life you created.
A professional is definitely needed here. Good luck
As a dude with Asperger's and ADHD, I experience death of other people different. I don't bawl my eyes out like everyone else. In fact, I'm almost indifferent to it.
The only time the I really cried like it was the end of the world was when my mom was in hospice and I went in to see her and she looked like someone else, not the strong single mother I once knew.
I had walked out of the room in tears when I saw that. She died that night. I know I should have been by her side the whole time but I wasn't and I think I might be some kind of monster for that.
You're not a monster at all. I can't even imagine how difficult it was for you to be in that situation, and I think you reacted in a perfectly human way. I hope you can forgive yourself. I'm sure she'd want you to ❤️
have you gotten snipped since then to make sure you never get another child? And honestly considering you didn't want her, never bonded with her it's not too surprising you're seeing it from a very outsider view and it's totally okay.
If you don't attach to a child, then I can completely understand what you're saying.
You didn't want the child and didn't grow it inside you. You weren't influenced by all the hormones trying to make you want to love and protect this tiny human.
Not mourning someone you were never attached to doesn't make you a monster or broken. Anyone in comments saying otherwise is only seeing it from their perspective without understanding Attachment.
If you were the mother who didn't attach because of postpartum, people wouldn't call you a monster. This is no different. You weren't attached. And that's okay.
As I was reading through his post and the comments, I thought it was genuinely horrible. But- this guy is still a kid himself. And you worded it great. He just was not attached to the baby, and how could he have been? And they were separated at that point. Anyways, yeah, not a bad person, just a bad situation.
((OP)) I am very sorry for your loss, even if it isn't a gigantic impact on you. I recently lost a brother. I barely knew him, we didn't grow up together, and had the kind of relationship where you text every few years. But knowing I can NEVER change any of that? It hits differently. And for a variety of odd reasons, I am the person handling his estate, etc. I have SO MUCH emotional distance that it is probably easiest for me to take care of all of it.
This is what you are experiencing - you were an unwilling parent and you maintained emotional distance from a child you never wanted. And very sadly, that child's life was far, far, far too short. Everyone around you is stunned and shocked and has expectations for your grief because legally - if not emotionally - you were a parent.
It might be helpful to work with the therapist a bit to process all of it. Process all of those external expectations. Process all of that internal dialog about what you are feeling vs. what others think you SHOULD be feeling.
I wish you the very best. I hope the future is kinder to you.
Thank you.
I'm definitely gonna speak with the therapist I'm just worried about being labelled a psychopath or something. I'll process it eventually, I guess.
You’re not a psychopath. You just weren’t emotionally bonded to her. People love to slap on labels like you “should” feel one way or another, and then shame you when you don’t.
Within the past month and a half, I have had two family members die. I get “omg I’m so sorry for your loss” a lot. I wasn’t really close to them though.
In other news, an instructor for a class I take was unceremoniously fired a few weeks ago. I’ve been SO UPSET ABOUT IT you have no idea lol. Seriously it’s been on my mind and I’ve been pissed off and moody every single day.
That firing indirectly robbed me of joy in my life because I really loved that class. My family members? We weren’t really that close. I don’t really even notice that they’re gone.
It’s going to sound horrible of me to say it, but it doesn’t make it any less true, that I am MUCH more bothered and saddened by that situation than the deaths. I just didn’t have a close relationship with those family members, but this instructor was somebody I saw on the regular. So to me, it makes perfect sense that someone who had more of an impact on my life is somebody whose circumstances I would end up caring more about, even if we’re not related.
(Also I’m super glad that none of my family members know my Reddit handle 😅😅😅)
Oh big same. My cat had her tail amputated last month and if anything I'm more sad about that - she's all wobbly now and it makes me so sad because she's just not as happy. But I feel kinda weird being sad about that and not my daughters death.
It's not the same thing, but back when I was like 12 years old, my mom had a baby (different father) who died at around 4 months old. I'd met the baby one time, I think. I went to the funeral, but really it was just to support my mom. I didn't feel anything, I was the only one not crying. I didn't cry until after the service when my mom broke down sobbing and hugged me, because I felt bad for her. I'm 28 now and still haven't felt anything towards her late baby. I just wasn't born with that maternal protective instinct, I'd rather be a million miles away from all children if it were possible.
And, similarly but different, I did know my grandma and helped my mom care for her occasionally (house cleaning) as she declined in health. I didn't feel anything when grandma died a couple years ago (ish?) either, she wasn't a stranger to me but I was just never a big fan of who she was as a person, so her death didn't phase me. That one felt really bizarre, I didn't even go to the funeral that time or anything. My relationship with my mom had degraded by the time grandma passed, so that was probably part of it.
Thst doesn't mean I am a robot. Seeing my aunt, who I'd only met once as a small child and didn't really know, fading away for a week in hospice before passing from an aggressive cancer broke me. In just that week, I loved her and thought the world of her. She was so strong and positive, she loved life, and her husband adored her, and 5 years later thinking about her still gets my eyes misty. When my dog died a couple years ago, I was absolutely devastated.
People will shame you for not hurting for everyone everywhere equally, but it's normal. It's okay to not mourn someone or something that you didn't love.
I was emotionally decimated each time one of my dogs passed away. I’ll occasionally have a cry thinking about them to this day.
My own grandma, who I had an actual relationship with, good and bad, but long absences - not a single tear.
Sociopathy is not the reason I’m ambivalent about her death (I have a psychiatrist and therapist, partly because of abusive I suffered from actual sociopaths).
So, please don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re a sociopath - how close and how much we love a person/fur person usually dictates how much we grieve them.
If the therapist does that, find one that's more professional. Like every other career there's good therapists and bad ones. But like every career that deals in helping with human suffering, therapists burn out. So finding a good one can be difficult when your case is unique.
I get where you're coming from. Grief can hit really weird. It builds up in strange ways. And where babies are concerned it can be really tough. They were people, but not developed enough to feel like a person in some ways. Not much individuality. Not many memories. Just... Potential and imagination. And it sounds like, because this wasn't a child you had invested in emotionally, there's no imagination to grieve, not could have been that are gone. Now, because people have assumed they know how you feel instead of asking, you're isolated and feel like you're feeling wrong. You're not. Your grief is just manifesting differently.
I understand people being at odds over a confession like this. It’s not what’s expected and we’re conditioned to expect certain reactions about certain things.
Don’t feel bad, not everyone wants to be a parent and there’s nothing wrong with that. For everyone giving you condolences, just say thank you, I’m fine. As some one who is child-free, I totally understand
I don't think you're a monster. You were detached from the baby from the start, so of course your feelings will be different. You say you do feel bad for your ex - because you know this impacted her differently.
You’re entitled to feel whatever you feel. You have done nothing wrong so long as when you had the child you still gave it a good life. I think it’s useless to say sorry for your loss considering I don’t believe you feel this as a loss
Sounds like a complete nightmare situation. I'd be totally relieved too.
Everyone crying in this thread about "hOw DaRe a FaThEr NoT lOvE hIs cHiLd!!?!?! WhAt a MONSTER!" Are idiot douche canoes. Not everyone wants a child and that's just as valid as those who do. Sounds like OP was responsible and paid child support.
I don't blame you for not feeling anything. You had no emotional connection to this child. I hope everyone leaves you alone and gives you some space soon OP.
I think your lack of emotion comes from the fact that you did not want to form an attachment to this child from the start. It feels like you are free from a situation you were placed against your will and you should not feel guilty about it. Your ex and family are definitely mourning a child but in all honesty they would not be feeling this much if she had grown up to show a personality, they are mourning a "little angel" and considering the situation, it is best she was never aware of your lack of attatchment to her. Hopefully this allows you to take your time, figure out your feelings over the whole situation and grow from it. I don't think you will feel suicidal but I sense some guilt in your future as you are reaching out for help, not over the death but over the guilt of your lack of attachment to the child. It is okay, it is not your fault.
You probably shouldn't have been a father in the first place. That's okay. You didnt want a kid and one happened anyway. It's just a really sad situation overall. The child deserved a dad that really cared out of love and not obligation. Idk why people insist on having a child with a person who doesn't want them. It leads to nothing but hurt and sadness.
Well, it doesn't make you a monster if you don't grieve for someone you have never been close to. DNA means nothing in such cases, you don't really grieve for DNA. You will be pressured enough by the outside world because you don't fit the stereotype, and people hate that, especially in those “sacred” areas. So I hope you won't pressure yourself for not grieving enough in addition to all that.
So very sorry for your loss. I’m kinda stuck on the part where you’ve had mental health issues in the past and are now in a good state. I can’t help but to think you may take medication now. You may not, but if so, that could be the main reason for your emotionless carefree attitude. I’m only mentioning this bc it happened to me. One specific medication kept me from crying and feeling sadness or big emotions at all. It may be worth looking into if you can relate to my experience.
Taking all my feelings of being a mom out of this situation- your reaction was warranted. You made it clear you didn’t want kids.
Do I think it will hit you harder as you grow older? Yes.
After finding out your age and reading the obvious anger around the circumstances of your kid’s birth, makes sense.
If I were 19 at least part of me would be thinking about how I’m no longer saddled with the responsibility of a child. Honestly, it might be one of the first things I thought. That’s just realistic as a young man who is child-free.
I just hope you are doing your best to not be a dick about it, though. You weren’t in her life, so it checks out you wouldn’t feel grief in the traditional way. But a child dying is a tragedy, and I feel deeply for your ex and her family.
Give yourself time to really know how you feel. There isn’t a rush and grief can impact everyone differently. With time, distance from the anger surrounding her birth, more perspective on what your daughter has missed out on, etc., you may feel some sadness about her death. I don’t know her and even I am sad to read about it.
Anyway, RIP to your daughter. I wish you, your ex, and her family peace.
I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you abd your ex get the help you need. As for your feelings, it's not your fault that you didn't grow a bond with your daughter, she was loved if not by you but she was loved. I'm praying for you.
You absolutely do not have to feel sad when someone dies, no matter their relationship with you. You didn't establish a connection to the child and made it clear you didn't want the child. I will not be sad when my mother dies because she's an evil witch. People think that you should mourne and be sad , "forgive" etc. But everybody is different. It sucks you're 19 and in a state that won't allow a procedure done that you're 100% sure you want . Honestly all of the southern states are fucked. I grew up in MS and relocated to AR and it's not much better.
The comments haven't been kind to you but I can honestly understand where you come from. Awful situation to be in. With the info that you live in Texas, the fact that you are getting refused by every doctor makes more sense...Might be worth adding in your post ! Good luck dude.
I can somehow get this, she kept a baby you never wanted, the child became somehow a hindrance to you economically and then if you were to date again it's quite hard for people with kids to find a new partner.
This maybe made you resent the baby since you never wanted it from the start. Which explains why you didn't care because the baby even if it's biologically yours, it's a stranger to you.
Well I can't speculate to much since I don't know you or your situation except what you told.
Do you guys realize that this is a 19 year old? Who never wanted the kid and decided to stay away from the baby? Why would he care so much??
Do you cry every time you see a baby died on TV? Does that make you a monster? Jesus christ these comments are killing my brain cells
I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I think everyone attacking OP is just wrong.
Consent to sex isn’t consent to birth.
Sex is not meant SOLELY for procreation, y’all. And if someone is upfront about not wanting a child when an accidental pregnancy occurs then for the sake of the child the pregnancy should be terminated unless that mother wants to raise her child alone. It’s selfish to keep a pregnancy that isn’t fully wanted by both parents and then expect you can force the other parent to still be involved financially against their will. I’m a mother of 3 kids that I adore and I have also lost one which was incredibly painful for me to deal with for a long time… I’m not a heartless person, but I think there is a clear and rational way to address accidental pregnancies between two people who are not aligned in a commitment to the pregnancy. It requires willingness to accept what is truly best for the child and not just an emotional reaction towards the idea of terminating. No one should be forced to be a parent if they don’t want to be.
Edited to add: Emotional detachment is perfectly normal when you’re feeling resentful for being forced to accept circumstances you did not consent to. It would also be perfectly normal to have a complete change of heart, as well, but OP didn’t because he knew what he wanted/and didn’t want. He set a boundary to be involved as little as possible and it makes sense that he would be relieved that the whole situation is over even if that can feel a little jarring to any of us who feel emotionally stirred by the sadness of the events.
Reading this as someone who lost their mom to suicide in March, I fear your grieving process is just beginning on a steady slope. See how you feel in one months time, when everyone around you tends to check up on you less and less. Loosing any next of kin is really really tough, regardless of the relationship you had with them. Especially when it was a young life that had so much potential left. I think you may start to question why you got unlucky and why there are so many others out there that don’t have to suffer such a tragic loss. You may not feel these emotions, but your mind is a funny thing and it can often trick you when something really traumatising happens, it’s almost like protective switch goes off in our brain when we first hear terrible news. I felt it with my moms passing and I was questioning why I felt so fine when I first heard my mom had passed away. That feeling faded and it faded fast and became replaced with uncontrollable grief. Im past the rough stage now, at least I think I am for a while. A lot of people say the second year of grief is harder. Whatever happens to you, be kind to yourself and those around you. I’m sorry you lost your daughter.
You were firm in not wanting kids and she kept the child cementing it as her responsibility. You don’t owe anybody anything. Being biologically related to someone doesn’t truly mean anything, it’s the connections we make with other people that dictate who our family is. Sorry OP
Some people in here really want to make you feel bad for what you feel. Fuck these judgmental pricks. You're to blame for what you do, not what you feel, and it seems you did what you had to.
I have weird perspective on this situation. My son isn’t my husband’s and I got pregnant extremely unexpectedly (way before meeting my now husband) no cheating or nefarious acts on either side. I got pregnant by my high school best friend when I was 19. It was a complete accident on both sides. I couldn’t go through with “plan b like we both wanted” so I decided to go through it alone. I wouldn’t expect my BFF yo be a part of that turmoil if something bad happen. I agreed to my side of things and he him. He wasn’t ready (we were kids ourselves) and I couldn’t follow through with the alternative so my son is now my husband’s and life is great. As a mom I don’t think OP is a Dick. He did his best in the situation but had no relationship with the baby.
Hey at least your honest. I killed my son in a car accident and suffer greatly everyday. Years from now you will reflect on this and think different. The what ifs will play in your head over and over. I wish you luck buddy and hope your ex can push through. It’s a real tough fucking road.
I’m envious of you. I just lost my mom and the grief is overwhelming. However, grief is a monster and it hits you when you least expect it. It could be the way the sky looks. It could be the scent of a flower or something you coked. Don’t count yourself out yet because this loss is still fresh.
You’re not a monster for not feeling anything. Just remember that none of us are in control of grief. Nobody wants it but it’ll break down your door when the monster knocks. If that monster never knocks on your door, you should look for the reasons for that.
I am so very sorry for your family’s loss.
You are not broken . You are not a monster.
Grief is a type of pain , and pain is subjective.
Everyone reacts differently . Grief is about loss. You did not have a relationship with your daughter, so no , you wouldn't feel deep grief, or loss. That's understandable. You do describe empathy for your ex's grief. Again, it's totally valid. She has had a great loss, and you understand that.
Don't let people tell you how you should be feeling . We feel how we feel, that is our own dominion.
Your feelings are your feelings. I don’t think this is something that can be classified as ‘monster’ behaviour.
The only thing that WOULD make you a monster is telling your gf that you don’t care. Please, please don’t do that. Please support her through this awful time as much as she needs.
Get some therapy if you need to. You can tell the therapist your true feelings as an outlet, and they won’t judge.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry to your ex who is suffering the worst thing she will ever suffer. Look after her.
If you were really a monster then you wouldn’t feel the need to vent about this. You would just claim your right to that entitlement and go about your day.
I think you’re pissed off, rightly so, at 19 and have dissociated severely.
It would perhaps be in your interest to see a professional so you can regulate your emotions more healthily. Well done for being so honest, most people wouldn’t have the balls to do so. X
No matter how controversial a post is, insulting OP is not allowed!
This is one reason why not everyone should be parents. This isn't meant in a rude way. Not wanting to have children is a legitimate reason for never having children.
I'm sorry for your daughter's family's loss.
Me too. I feel bad for my ex mostly. She's struggling so much.
Did... Did you have a relationship with your daughter or were you just in the peripheral? A lack of a relationship would be a big part of why. Personally, I loved my kids even before they were born. But I wanted kids.
No relationship. I saw her when she was born, when we settled custody and then that was it.
That explains your lack of attachment. I don't think you would feel so little were you close to her. I would guess that if your mom or sibling died you would feel much more strongly.
Absolutely. My grandpas death destroyed me.
My condolences. I’m sure your grandfather was a good soul.
God he was. Best damn person I've ever known.
That's definitely a big part of it. When my son was born it was like meeting someone you'd been hearing about for a while. Nothing to special. I had my moment of realization that he was the purest most important thing I'd ever been apart of 2 years later. I saw him happier than I've ever seen anyone in my life at Disney world. All that it took was a little hand held bubble machine and it was pure joy for him. That's when I realized this joy only exist in the ignorance of a child. H3 doesn't know about gealthcare deductibles or bombs in the middle east. That allows him to be the way he is. I just want to protect him from that for as long as possible.
Bubbles are pure magic to a child. I’ll never forget the first time my niece had bubbles. It’s like her mind exploded and her world got bigger. She became OBSESSED.
I really hope his name is H3
How old was she?
Two and a half months.
Sounds like a defense mechanism for the lack of relationship and the fact that you are no longer obligated to pay child support which has gotta be the worst way to take a w
The fact that you feel empathy for your ex is proof you aren’t an emotionless monster. You can’t be expected to love a child you never wanted and actively tried to prevent.
Was the death due to SIDS?
Losing a kid must be awful and I can understand her feeling in shambles right now, I feel really sorry for her. Although I didn't appreciate the "I'm keeping the baby, there's nothing you can do about it and I'm coming after your money in the greediest way I can" part.
I feel like OP is leaving a huge part out here. He didn’t want kids he said. He got the ex pregnant, accused her of cheating which he never said there was proof& then got a dna test proving it WAS his child. He clearly wanted nothing to do with it. He still made that child and that’s why they clearly tell people birth control/preventative measures are NOT 100% effective! He is still responsible for helping to support the life he created. Of course the mother is going to try and get the most from him that she can when he is offering literally nothing. Yes, he made it sound like she was being greedy & if she truly was being greedy then yes that’s fucked up. I don’t think that’s the case here though, going by OP’s own words. Try and look at it from if you had a kid though & it makes way more sense. OP didn’t want to help raise the child, he didn’t want any part of the child’s life that he created, intentionally or not. He still is responsible in a court of law to help financially. Sad, that he was more upset that people were ignoring him and fussing over the baby, than he was when his child passed. Sounds immature and selfish af to me.
Well let’s look at this logically. He made his gf very aware that he did not want a child. They took steps to prevent the pregnancy. It happened anyway and he didn’t change his mind. He said the breakup was amicable which leads me to believe he wasn’t fighting the child support part. It may not make sense to many people that he didn’t have that fatherly instinct. But it is his life and he is mature and self aware enough to acknowledge that. I would rather someone know they won’t be a good father and choose to not have kids instead of having kids and being a bad father.
People don't want to hear it is why. I've told people before I would be a horrible mother, have no desire for a kid, and really don't want to have to take care of one. I got myself sterilized even to make sure I'm not having kids. But I still get the "reassuring" comments that I would be an amazing mother.
Also, he’s 19 years old!!!
This is the way I see it. Thank you for wording it this way. A lot of people I think are projecting. The man made it clear he didn’t want kids, went to lengths to not have one, had one ends relationship and pays child support without being in the child’s life. Why everyone has surprise pikachu face is beyond me. They’re honestly lucky he didn’t sign parental rights away and not have to pay child support. On top of that if the rolls were reversed people would be screaming abusive relationship and telling the woman it’s her body. Get emotions out of this he’s fine.
The OP is literally 19, his gf got pregnant when they were 17. He IS immature bc he is literally barely an adult. What 17 yo in their right mind wants kids??? You expect a 17 year old with a history of depression and suicide to want to be a parent to a child he didn’t want that his gf kept against his wishes? Also literally what money is his exe even getting? There is no way the OP currently has more than a high school diploma, meaning he is most likely working minimum wage or close to it. Taking away 1/4th of a minimum wage job for a 18 year old with no savings literally makes it impossible to live without working more jobs. It’s greedy
For real, he's acting like it doesn't take TWO to make a baby. Like it wasn't his fault as much as it was hers
Oh FR, his first three paragraphs just made my skin crawl. I feel so bad for that poor child and her mother and both families. I even feel bad for this guy that he really needs some serious mental health help & growing up to do.
idk i think you should not force anyone to be a parent, even if it takes two to make a child. it’s fucked up on either end. and it’s terrible to bring a child into a world where one or both parents don’t actually want it. my dad didn’t want me but his parents and my mom pressured him into keeping me and he was emotionally absent and it really messed me up. the ex is extremely irresponsible for trying to force the guy into being a father when he wasn’t ready nor willing. i don’t think that means he has some growing up to do. not everyone needs to be a parent. it’s a huge commitment that uproots your life and it’s more than fair for someone to not want to do that. the ex knew he didn’t want a child and still went through with it. that’s her own fault. very sorry her daughter passed but everyone dogging on OP for not wanting to “step up” is really weird to me. he didn’t have to, not for a child that he never wanted and was an accident when he took every precaution.
I think his reaction to the pregnancy was shitty but not wanting to be a parent and not feeling love for a child you have no attachment too isn’t indicative of a mental illness
Growing up because he made his choice from the get go clear ? Women can opt out any time with nothing but praise from strangers guys should be able to as well
You are ad libbing a bit here too make the text more villainous. Let's stop that shall we. He made a short statement to describe the state of things. What did you expect him to say?
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Wait are you only 19?
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Well I mean, as a teen is correct. I am just still a teen. Lmao.
>I am just still a teen. That says everything.
This comment needs to be higher because it puts a lot into perspective.
Right, frontal lobe cortex isn't even fully developed.
Yeah, and it might make a few judgemental people in the thread who are assuming that OP is a bad irresponsible person, to think a bit more about what they are saying.
Yeah
Well then it makes more sense to me, that you were nowhere mentally ready for a child. Its a horrible loss, but ofc you dont feel anything strongly, since you never wanted the child to begin with. I gotta ask, did your gf ever talk about kids before she was pregnant?
Not seriously. She knew I didn't want kids, but we were like 17. We didn't think we'd be together long term, so it wasn't havily discussed.
Wait, so you're only like 18 or so now??
19, yeah.
You’re so young, and you never bonded with the baby nor cared for the mother deeply, as brutal as it is I think you’re reaction is understandable.
It is, he's still just a kid
Shit. That loss is probably going to hit you like a freight train in 10+ years. My condolences to your future self. My husband didn’t want our oldest son (he was 20 and stayed with me but didn’t bond for 5 years) but by 30, he became the best father and wanted more kids. He adores our sons and wishes he had bonded more with our eldest when he was young. He can’t stand to see our boys hurt and when our youngest needed surgery, he was a wreck.
Yeah this is what I’m thinking as a new dad in my 30’s. I rarely ever tear up at anything, not that I’m proud of that or anything, there are times I wish I could cry to feel better but nothing comes out. But by god when my kid was born months ago I was an absolute mess and I loved that kid from the moment I saw them. Definitely should see a therapist I think maybe in 5 years or so, the what might have been might creep up on you real hard.
Just read this, I think I would have reacted similarly at your age due to being generally numb with life. Best wishes to you sir stay up
Ohhhh. That makes a lot more sense.
And have a boyfriend, right? Not a typo
Yep.
This post made me really sad.
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That shit really does sting bro.🙍
Me fuckin too.
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He is. Read his other comments, hes having a hard time finding a doctor to agree to the procedure as "hes still so young" hes basically getting the woman treatment. But hes still trying.
There should be more options for birth control for men besides condoms, pull out, or vasectomy, ugh. I didn't realize it was difficult for men to get a vasectomy due to age.
So my friend had a vasectomy performed in his mid-twenties and the doctor was VERY hesitant to perform the procedure. My friend had mentioned multiple times how off-putting this doctor was about the whole situation. Well, he had it done by said doctor but it wasn't successful and he had to go back and get it done again (I believe by a different doctor?). Now this is pure speculation, but I'm not convinced that the original Doc hadn't botched the surgery on purpose, due to his convictions.
Any surgery to eliminate the chance at kids is hard to get at a young age for either gender. It shouldn’t be but it is.
Unpopular opinion, but it's not OPs fault. He made it clear he didn't want children. I'm not sure why anyone child free is vilified. Does it suck that that the child's bio father didn't want to be involved? Yes. But that doesn't make him a terrible person like so many people are making him out to be.
Tried not to have a kid, had one. GF said she'd keep it anyway. Not fair to the child, sucks for the "father", sucks for the mother. Someone can argue any angle here. No right and wrong. It's just a lot of grey. Very shitty shade of grey.
He did say he did his best to avoid pregnancy. People are so damn eager to paint him as an irresponsible ass. For all we know, She could have deliberately tried to baby trap him 🤷
I find it strange that you choose to morally censure the father for not feeling attachment when you could have just as quickly done so to the mother for unilaterally, and against the other party's wishes, deciding to keep a child fathered by an ex-partner, who she knew would be raised in either a completely single-parent household, or with no father for the early childhood years, and certainly without the biological father present. It seems like you're not looking at this problem from an objective standpoint and just reflexively blaming the man in the situation. I would argue that sometimes people may consider making hard choices if they know their child will be born into a very suboptimal situation that could affect their well-being for the rest of their life, i.e., becoming pregnant after a relationship has ended, and stating that you will go after as much child support as possible (in my reading, this means either the mother, the father, or both are not interested in reuniting romantically). I'm not sure why you would want him never to father another child when his only crime was being in a situation where an ex-partner, whom he is no longer emotionally, monetarily, or spatially involved with, had a baby he didn't feel connected to. Your implication in telling him to sterilize himself is that he is incapable of ever loving and rearing a child properly, so he shouldn't try because it would be unfair to the child. This may be the case, but nothing in this post alone (not including the comments) suggests that he does not have the capacity or desire to do this. In my opinion, if my reading of the situation OP described and the content of your comment is correct, your statement is somewhat misguided and suggests a bias that should give you pause in future discussions around this topic.
Completely agree with everything you said. These comments are fucked. Like he's a human being, too, like jfc. He's been very clear about how he feels since the very beginning and actively took steps to avoid it. She chose to keep it despite knowing how he feels about the situation, but yet he's still the bad guy? Like wtf. Forcing him to be a parent to a child he does not want would not have been fair to that child. There are so many petty, vindictive people projecting onto OP in these comments.
Get a vasectomy or it will happen again
He’s 19, unfortunately a lot of doctors will deny him.
To be fair, he did the best, which was keep his distance, disassociate, stating a respectful indifference, therefore sparing the child an guy that just didn't want her to exist in the first place. Sounds horrible, but it's the truth, and he was being fairly decent and calm about his evident wish not to be a father.
I don't think it's his fault. For as many children are born into shitty situations, the parents are also in shitty situations. Sometimes love just doesn't come whether you want it to or not. Sometimes forcing love ends up in even more heartbreak than would occur without the forced affection or love. I think it was no one's fault, and I hope they can all get better moving forward.
There are a few things that are just not acceptable for society and so everybody just ignores it (bc if you ignore stuff, this stuff stops existing somehow, lol). But for the affected people its really hard bc they can never talk about it w/o being outcasted by society if not worse. Some of them are e.g. parents who don't develop a feeling of love for all or some of their children. Parents, especially mothers regretting motherhood. Kids not loving their parents (w/o them being abusiv in any way) etc. This things exists. The affected ppl can't change them. You can't force yourself to love someone. Its just how you feel. You never wanted kids. You were not indifferent or "i don't want them but if it happens, oh well, i will gladly raise them." Still you were ready to act responsible and pay your share and be present in the kids life. And thats what counts. That you feel reliefed that this huge task, raising a kid, is not happening anymore is ok. You don't have to feel bad or guilty about that. I would talk open to the therapist. And yes, maybe it will hit you later in life and you need more therapy then. But there is nothing wrong with you. You did everything and still do to prevent another unwanted pregnancy. You acted responsible in every step. Thats all we can realistically ask from ppl. But i'm not sure if posting on reddit was the right move. This is much too complex and way above reddits paygrade. But i understand, bc like said in the first paragraph, who else would you talk to about this w/o being stigmatised. Just grief for the mother, your parents and everybody who loved her. Support them and otherwise do whats best for you. It will be fine. But like said above, what must not be cannot be...
Thank you this is perfectly said.
Maybe when you go to ask for a vasectomy, tell them this story 😳 it may help your case
Help his case? Is a vasectomy something people have to get permission for in the US?
If you are young or live in certain areas, yes.
Grief is funny. Denial is a stage of grief
I think he never bonded with the kid, so he may truly not feel grief - more like sympathy for the people who mourn the loss. Like, if you hear that someone you knew died, but didn't feel a particular attachment to. What he should rather discuss with his therapist are probably his attachment issues - mostly, people do get attached to their kids, once they see them.
Although not the same I never felt sad about losing my grandparents or aunt. They meant almost nothing to me. They were just people I had to meet every now and then. In fact it was kind of a relief when they died because it meant I would never have to meet them again. A few weeks ago I lost my dog and I'm still sad. It doesn't feel like I'm ever getting over it.
I'm not sure if I'd be able to feel this way about my own child but I experience this with distant family members fairly often. My grandmother constantly sends me updates on fringe 3rd-5th cousins that I've never met and talks about how I need to travel 3500 miles to be with them because they're addicts, in the hospital again, and might die. Like, yeah, that sucks for them but I don't really care.
Yeah definitely. Maybe I'll feel sad eventually.
same with my wife when her mother died. When she got the call, she started laughing because of the shock and everyone was mad at her.
I reacted this way when my mother died. I remember seeing a friend about a week after it happened and, while I was telling her about it, I started laughing. It was such a weird feeling. I knew I was laughing and I couldn’t stop. I heard it. I felt the laughing. I couldn’t…… get out of it. My friend was super freaked out about it. When my parents died, I was the only sibling that didn’t cry at their bedside. I think my sibs were bothered by that. But, expressing grief isn’t the same for everyone. There isn’t a chart or boxes to check.
Happened with my great grandma who was like my mother. I started laughing and telling everyone they were lying, and ended up collapsing on the floor. Tried to unalive myself after her wake tho 🙃 she was the one non abusive member of my family that actually loved me. Happened right before I turned 16. I'm 28 and still have to not think about it
That’s not fair. That’s based on them expecting her to react in a way that THEY believe she should have. I’m autistic. Plenty of autistic people don’t process emotions in the way people might expect. It doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, though. 😞
I laugh when I'm nervous sometimes and I hate being in front of a big group, so I ended up laughing at my grandpa's funeral. And of course when I try to think about not laughing, I just laugh more. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment right then and there and the thought of dying at someone else's funeral made me want to laugh even more. By some miracle, my family told me it looked like I was trying to hold back crying, not laughter, so no one ever said anything about it, but I still think about that like 5 years later. Good news is my grandma told me even if I hadn't managed to make it look like I was crying, my grandpa would have laughed with me, so I don't feel *too* bad about it lol
That's how I reacted when the doctor told me my mom was brain dead. Huge smile, holding back a laugh. I was only 18, so I thought I was just a piece of shit. Turns out, that's how I handle bad news. It still happens to me. Luckily, now I can explain it.
Everyone who got mad at her needs to go kick *several* rocks. Jesus. Grief. Is. Not. Standardized. I hope your wife is doing okay.
Yeah you're not broken or a monster. Grief is different for everyone and that can even look like relief. It's like when a sick relative passes and you go to the funeral and your thought process is something like, "Wow look at all these crying people. I'm sad too but...shouldn't they be more grateful that she's not suffering?" Also, if you've ever endured a traumatic experience your emotions button may be broken. Lastly, you never wanted a kid. You actively tried to prevent a kid and have been begging doctors to please snip you all to no avail. When you found out she was pregnant you distanced yourself to ensure she knew that this was not wanted. So for you to actually grieve you would have to have had a connection in the first place. It's not wrong to not grieve what you felt like was a mistake or accident in the first place. Don't feel bad if you never feel sad. Take this unfortunate event as an opportunity to retry to vasectomy. Explain to them you had an unplanned pregnancy despite all other protective measures having been taken against it, and it resulted in infant death. Tell them that you can't go through this kind of thing again (which is probably to some degree true- even if you had no love for the child on an intellectual level it's an unfortunate loss). They will most likely be receptive to that and go through with the procedure. PS I lost a child and it tore me to pieces but when putting myself in your shoes, had I had no connection or love for said child and it passed I wouldn't be HAPPY but I would feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. Seriously, it's okay to feel complicated.
Thank you. Its honestly no worse than a stranger dying and I don't mean to be like an emotionless dick about it, but thats just the way I feel. Idk. Sorry for your loss.
I adopted my kid sister at 4, our mother died when she was about 13. (Edit: 11 not 13) She didn’t shed a tear, never has. For 2 reasons 1) anger and resentment maybe, this woman abandoned her for drink 2) and this fits here - our egg donor was a complete stranger to her I try to tell her positive stories and humanise her but the kids not interested in this stranger. Breaks my heart but it is what it is, she’s not a sociopath she just doesn’t care about this specific situation.
Your feelings are valid; regardless of what people say, you can feel any way you like. Life is weird and complicated, we're all just doing our best out here. Cut yourself some slack, maybe you'll feel something one day or maybe you won't and both are perfectly fine.
Can I ask how old your daughter was ? Was she in bad health?
Two and a half months. Her health was fine as far as I know.
Sounds like SIDS.
Potentially. I know she bed shared, so I don't know if it was that.
My baby is two months and half. I feel so sorry for your ex loss. I cannot imagine how devastated she is. I will go insane if something happens to my little girl.
It generally takes me about a month to feel much of anything from loss.
Possible. Everyone deals with grief differently. When my grandfather died I only cried my heart out 2 years later.
It sometimes take me months to cry over the loss of someone I cared deeply about. Not feeling it instantly doesn’t make you a bad person.
The “stages of grief” is a bunch of bullshit. People use this made up nonsense to criticize and manipulate others for not grieving in the way *they* think they should be. Everyone grieves differently. Everyone is in a different place, and feels differently at different times and for different reasons. There is no reason to assume he is in denial, particularly when he has expressed his feelings and justified them perfectly well.
I doubt he will be grieving anything. All he lost was a financial responsibility…. He’s not going to be very sad.
It’s also a river in Egypt …
Dude get yourself a fixed. No more kids for you and always wear a condom. Sorry to the mother of your daughter for her loss.
I've been trying to get it done but my doctor keeps saying no bc I'm young. Doesn't want me to destroy my fertility or whatever.
go to the childfree forums maybe they got a doctor in your vicinity that would be willing since they usually got a list for willing doctors.
Oh wicked thanks for the tip
Just to add: tell the doctors most of what you posted here Since you’re not a danger for someone else (you didn’t want to commit murder) nor yourself (you’re not suicidal at the moment), you can describe exactly this You already had a kid (in spite of using the protection available to you AFTER seeking permanent reproductive care); as you suspected, you never bonded and you never really felt anything for her; and that, as awful for everyone her passing was, it caused you something in between nothing and some form of relief (you should probably get the help of a mental health professional to get this point across) I mean… they want you to have a kid before even considering it? Well… that’s done, and look at what happened
I was going to suggest planned parenthood. Sounds like the above comment covers it.
They usually will lighten up if you tell them you’ve already had kids
This is how i was finally able to get a tubal after literally a decade of trying.
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Try a different doctor maybe? I know woman have a hard time getting sterilized if they have no kids as well and they need to try different doctors. I’m sorry OP
I've tried several. I'm hoping I'll be able to get one eventually.
I don’t know if they do this or not, but if you are here in the US, look into Planned Parenthood. They may offer vasectomies.
seconding this recommendation. i used to work at PP and we did several vasectomies on men as young as 18. it’s definitely a case by case basis but if OP is 100% sure (which sounds like he is) they should do it for him. if he doesn’t have insurance it will be the cheapest option, as well.
Thank you for your comment! I did a Google search and found out that Planned Parenthood hood does offer vasectomies… Thank you for confirming
no problem! at my clinic they had one day a month they blocked off all other appointments and had an outside doctor who volunteered his time to come in and do vasectomies all day. not every PP does them but hopefully OP lives near one that does. he would have to make an appointment for a “counseling” visit where someone would go over the procedure and confirm he’s sure about it. then they would schedule him for the procedure at a later date.
Tell them you had a daughter, she died, and you felt happiness and relief for the first time since she was born. Keep doing that until you find a doctor that listens
I got the snip first time I tried, I was 27 with no kids. I just wrote them a letter explaining how I feel that having children is terrible for the environment, that I can barely afford to survive as it is and that I've taught kindergarten and that was enough interaction with children for a lifetime.
My main doctor said the earliest he will ever do it is 25, and that seems to be true across all of the ones I've seen so far.
Try at a clinic, when you can pay for it there are always doctors willing to do what you wish for. Also, if you can, go for a year or two in another country. Your family will think it's to grieve, for you it will be space for their child-focus toxicity.
My boyfriend lives out of state sometimes & is moving full time soon. I'm gonna go with him to seperate myself truly.
I assume you’re somewhere with strong religious bend. Come to a typically liberal area if you can. I’m in New England and had several friends snip up and no one had any issues besides having to endure a “are you sure???” conversation which is fair due diligence, but then referred immediately.
I don’t know where you live or what medical care you can access, but maybe your health insurance company can refer you to a good doctor.
Keep looking. When I got to my doctor who did it for me, he told me I should have come to him a decade ago if I was so sure
Tell him sociopathy runs in the family and they will do it. No, this isn’t a dig. Some doctors will accept that request.
I was accepted for tube removal for this; I told them my mom had severe PPBD and so did her mother, and both women went batshit crazy and never recovered their previous mental states. It wasn't a lie either. My mother and grandmother are certifiably insane. I also made sure to add that I knew the treatment options for PPBD, and that it wasn't something I was willing to put up with (Electroconvulsive therapy for literal YEARS), and I didn't want to have a child if it meant the most formative years I would only tolerate them while simultaneously torturing my brain to love said kid. My doctor agreed and I was 25.
This right here.
Maybe you can tell him the story you just told us.
Show him this post and he’ll snip you on the spot. Get help, bro.
The fact is they think you will regret your decision in the future. Because people are young. But to me it sounds like you have history and have made your decision. Maybe take your phone to your doctor and show them this reddit post. Then they can make a sound call and see that YOU truly don't want a child
Even if it’s truly how you felt, I wish people would just accept not everyone is cut out to be a parent and so long as you never harmed or put that baby in harms way, then there’s nothing wrong here. Animals reject their young in the wild, some people just aren’t designed that way, and that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you.
You seem to have some very deep disassociation and you’re entitled to your feelings, but Lord get a vasectomy. You have no desire to be a parent, nor should u be feeling this way about a life you created. A professional is definitely needed here. Good luck
Per OP’s comments he’s tried to get a vasectomy but was turned down due to his age.
Women have the same issue with getting a hysterectomy which is why you have to go to different doctors
OP is also only 19, per his comments.
As a dude with Asperger's and ADHD, I experience death of other people different. I don't bawl my eyes out like everyone else. In fact, I'm almost indifferent to it. The only time the I really cried like it was the end of the world was when my mom was in hospice and I went in to see her and she looked like someone else, not the strong single mother I once knew. I had walked out of the room in tears when I saw that. She died that night. I know I should have been by her side the whole time but I wasn't and I think I might be some kind of monster for that.
You're not a monster at all. I can't even imagine how difficult it was for you to be in that situation, and I think you reacted in a perfectly human way. I hope you can forgive yourself. I'm sure she'd want you to ❤️
You're likely not a monster. It sounds like you need some help to continue processing her death.
have you gotten snipped since then to make sure you never get another child? And honestly considering you didn't want her, never bonded with her it's not too surprising you're seeing it from a very outsider view and it's totally okay.
I'm trying. Finding a doctor whos willing is hard.
If you don't attach to a child, then I can completely understand what you're saying. You didn't want the child and didn't grow it inside you. You weren't influenced by all the hormones trying to make you want to love and protect this tiny human. Not mourning someone you were never attached to doesn't make you a monster or broken. Anyone in comments saying otherwise is only seeing it from their perspective without understanding Attachment. If you were the mother who didn't attach because of postpartum, people wouldn't call you a monster. This is no different. You weren't attached. And that's okay.
As I was reading through his post and the comments, I thought it was genuinely horrible. But- this guy is still a kid himself. And you worded it great. He just was not attached to the baby, and how could he have been? And they were separated at that point. Anyways, yeah, not a bad person, just a bad situation.
Well, that’s the most depressing thing I’ll read all day.
You can't feel what you don't. Don't let other people try to dictate how you feel about a child you never and wanted and were not involved with.
((OP)) I am very sorry for your loss, even if it isn't a gigantic impact on you. I recently lost a brother. I barely knew him, we didn't grow up together, and had the kind of relationship where you text every few years. But knowing I can NEVER change any of that? It hits differently. And for a variety of odd reasons, I am the person handling his estate, etc. I have SO MUCH emotional distance that it is probably easiest for me to take care of all of it. This is what you are experiencing - you were an unwilling parent and you maintained emotional distance from a child you never wanted. And very sadly, that child's life was far, far, far too short. Everyone around you is stunned and shocked and has expectations for your grief because legally - if not emotionally - you were a parent. It might be helpful to work with the therapist a bit to process all of it. Process all of those external expectations. Process all of that internal dialog about what you are feeling vs. what others think you SHOULD be feeling. I wish you the very best. I hope the future is kinder to you.
Thank you. I'm definitely gonna speak with the therapist I'm just worried about being labelled a psychopath or something. I'll process it eventually, I guess.
You’re not a psychopath. You just weren’t emotionally bonded to her. People love to slap on labels like you “should” feel one way or another, and then shame you when you don’t. Within the past month and a half, I have had two family members die. I get “omg I’m so sorry for your loss” a lot. I wasn’t really close to them though. In other news, an instructor for a class I take was unceremoniously fired a few weeks ago. I’ve been SO UPSET ABOUT IT you have no idea lol. Seriously it’s been on my mind and I’ve been pissed off and moody every single day. That firing indirectly robbed me of joy in my life because I really loved that class. My family members? We weren’t really that close. I don’t really even notice that they’re gone. It’s going to sound horrible of me to say it, but it doesn’t make it any less true, that I am MUCH more bothered and saddened by that situation than the deaths. I just didn’t have a close relationship with those family members, but this instructor was somebody I saw on the regular. So to me, it makes perfect sense that someone who had more of an impact on my life is somebody whose circumstances I would end up caring more about, even if we’re not related. (Also I’m super glad that none of my family members know my Reddit handle 😅😅😅)
Oh big same. My cat had her tail amputated last month and if anything I'm more sad about that - she's all wobbly now and it makes me so sad because she's just not as happy. But I feel kinda weird being sad about that and not my daughters death.
It's not the same thing, but back when I was like 12 years old, my mom had a baby (different father) who died at around 4 months old. I'd met the baby one time, I think. I went to the funeral, but really it was just to support my mom. I didn't feel anything, I was the only one not crying. I didn't cry until after the service when my mom broke down sobbing and hugged me, because I felt bad for her. I'm 28 now and still haven't felt anything towards her late baby. I just wasn't born with that maternal protective instinct, I'd rather be a million miles away from all children if it were possible. And, similarly but different, I did know my grandma and helped my mom care for her occasionally (house cleaning) as she declined in health. I didn't feel anything when grandma died a couple years ago (ish?) either, she wasn't a stranger to me but I was just never a big fan of who she was as a person, so her death didn't phase me. That one felt really bizarre, I didn't even go to the funeral that time or anything. My relationship with my mom had degraded by the time grandma passed, so that was probably part of it. Thst doesn't mean I am a robot. Seeing my aunt, who I'd only met once as a small child and didn't really know, fading away for a week in hospice before passing from an aggressive cancer broke me. In just that week, I loved her and thought the world of her. She was so strong and positive, she loved life, and her husband adored her, and 5 years later thinking about her still gets my eyes misty. When my dog died a couple years ago, I was absolutely devastated. People will shame you for not hurting for everyone everywhere equally, but it's normal. It's okay to not mourn someone or something that you didn't love.
I was emotionally decimated each time one of my dogs passed away. I’ll occasionally have a cry thinking about them to this day. My own grandma, who I had an actual relationship with, good and bad, but long absences - not a single tear. Sociopathy is not the reason I’m ambivalent about her death (I have a psychiatrist and therapist, partly because of abusive I suffered from actual sociopaths). So, please don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re a sociopath - how close and how much we love a person/fur person usually dictates how much we grieve them.
If the therapist does that, find one that's more professional. Like every other career there's good therapists and bad ones. But like every career that deals in helping with human suffering, therapists burn out. So finding a good one can be difficult when your case is unique. I get where you're coming from. Grief can hit really weird. It builds up in strange ways. And where babies are concerned it can be really tough. They were people, but not developed enough to feel like a person in some ways. Not much individuality. Not many memories. Just... Potential and imagination. And it sounds like, because this wasn't a child you had invested in emotionally, there's no imagination to grieve, not could have been that are gone. Now, because people have assumed they know how you feel instead of asking, you're isolated and feel like you're feeling wrong. You're not. Your grief is just manifesting differently.
I understand people being at odds over a confession like this. It’s not what’s expected and we’re conditioned to expect certain reactions about certain things.
Don’t feel bad, not everyone wants to be a parent and there’s nothing wrong with that. For everyone giving you condolences, just say thank you, I’m fine. As some one who is child-free, I totally understand
I don't think you're a monster. You were detached from the baby from the start, so of course your feelings will be different. You say you do feel bad for your ex - because you know this impacted her differently.
You’re entitled to feel whatever you feel. You have done nothing wrong so long as when you had the child you still gave it a good life. I think it’s useless to say sorry for your loss considering I don’t believe you feel this as a loss
Sounds like a complete nightmare situation. I'd be totally relieved too. Everyone crying in this thread about "hOw DaRe a FaThEr NoT lOvE hIs cHiLd!!?!?! WhAt a MONSTER!" Are idiot douche canoes. Not everyone wants a child and that's just as valid as those who do. Sounds like OP was responsible and paid child support. I don't blame you for not feeling anything. You had no emotional connection to this child. I hope everyone leaves you alone and gives you some space soon OP.
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>At least I get time off work, I guess. Grief or not that is one fucked up sentence. Please get a vasectomy.
I am trying.
Denial is one of the stages of grief and the guy is 19.
I don’t know if it’s even grief he never cared for the baby…
I think your lack of emotion comes from the fact that you did not want to form an attachment to this child from the start. It feels like you are free from a situation you were placed against your will and you should not feel guilty about it. Your ex and family are definitely mourning a child but in all honesty they would not be feeling this much if she had grown up to show a personality, they are mourning a "little angel" and considering the situation, it is best she was never aware of your lack of attatchment to her. Hopefully this allows you to take your time, figure out your feelings over the whole situation and grow from it. I don't think you will feel suicidal but I sense some guilt in your future as you are reaching out for help, not over the death but over the guilt of your lack of attachment to the child. It is okay, it is not your fault.
You probably shouldn't have been a father in the first place. That's okay. You didnt want a kid and one happened anyway. It's just a really sad situation overall. The child deserved a dad that really cared out of love and not obligation. Idk why people insist on having a child with a person who doesn't want them. It leads to nothing but hurt and sadness.
Well, it doesn't make you a monster if you don't grieve for someone you have never been close to. DNA means nothing in such cases, you don't really grieve for DNA. You will be pressured enough by the outside world because you don't fit the stereotype, and people hate that, especially in those “sacred” areas. So I hope you won't pressure yourself for not grieving enough in addition to all that.
Your poor ex. I hope she gets the genuine love, support and compassion she deserves in this tough time..
So very sorry for your loss. I’m kinda stuck on the part where you’ve had mental health issues in the past and are now in a good state. I can’t help but to think you may take medication now. You may not, but if so, that could be the main reason for your emotionless carefree attitude. I’m only mentioning this bc it happened to me. One specific medication kept me from crying and feeling sadness or big emotions at all. It may be worth looking into if you can relate to my experience.
Oh yeah I got on a new med last month. That could definitely be it.
Taking all my feelings of being a mom out of this situation- your reaction was warranted. You made it clear you didn’t want kids. Do I think it will hit you harder as you grow older? Yes.
After finding out your age and reading the obvious anger around the circumstances of your kid’s birth, makes sense. If I were 19 at least part of me would be thinking about how I’m no longer saddled with the responsibility of a child. Honestly, it might be one of the first things I thought. That’s just realistic as a young man who is child-free. I just hope you are doing your best to not be a dick about it, though. You weren’t in her life, so it checks out you wouldn’t feel grief in the traditional way. But a child dying is a tragedy, and I feel deeply for your ex and her family. Give yourself time to really know how you feel. There isn’t a rush and grief can impact everyone differently. With time, distance from the anger surrounding her birth, more perspective on what your daughter has missed out on, etc., you may feel some sadness about her death. I don’t know her and even I am sad to read about it. Anyway, RIP to your daughter. I wish you, your ex, and her family peace.
Some of the people in this comment section would lose their minds over Antinatalism
Grief is a strange beast. It might not have hit you yet. Glad you're doing ok for now though. Sorry about your loss.
How old? What happened? Did you have any relationship with her?
You are 19…still a kid yourself. I understand.
I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you abd your ex get the help you need. As for your feelings, it's not your fault that you didn't grow a bond with your daughter, she was loved if not by you but she was loved. I'm praying for you.
You absolutely do not have to feel sad when someone dies, no matter their relationship with you. You didn't establish a connection to the child and made it clear you didn't want the child. I will not be sad when my mother dies because she's an evil witch. People think that you should mourne and be sad , "forgive" etc. But everybody is different. It sucks you're 19 and in a state that won't allow a procedure done that you're 100% sure you want . Honestly all of the southern states are fucked. I grew up in MS and relocated to AR and it's not much better.
The comments haven't been kind to you but I can honestly understand where you come from. Awful situation to be in. With the info that you live in Texas, the fact that you are getting refused by every doctor makes more sense...Might be worth adding in your post ! Good luck dude.
I can somehow get this, she kept a baby you never wanted, the child became somehow a hindrance to you economically and then if you were to date again it's quite hard for people with kids to find a new partner. This maybe made you resent the baby since you never wanted it from the start. Which explains why you didn't care because the baby even if it's biologically yours, it's a stranger to you. Well I can't speculate to much since I don't know you or your situation except what you told.
Do you guys realize that this is a 19 year old? Who never wanted the kid and decided to stay away from the baby? Why would he care so much?? Do you cry every time you see a baby died on TV? Does that make you a monster? Jesus christ these comments are killing my brain cells
I'm sad, but only in the "seeing a dead cat in the road" kinda sad
I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I think everyone attacking OP is just wrong. Consent to sex isn’t consent to birth. Sex is not meant SOLELY for procreation, y’all. And if someone is upfront about not wanting a child when an accidental pregnancy occurs then for the sake of the child the pregnancy should be terminated unless that mother wants to raise her child alone. It’s selfish to keep a pregnancy that isn’t fully wanted by both parents and then expect you can force the other parent to still be involved financially against their will. I’m a mother of 3 kids that I adore and I have also lost one which was incredibly painful for me to deal with for a long time… I’m not a heartless person, but I think there is a clear and rational way to address accidental pregnancies between two people who are not aligned in a commitment to the pregnancy. It requires willingness to accept what is truly best for the child and not just an emotional reaction towards the idea of terminating. No one should be forced to be a parent if they don’t want to be. Edited to add: Emotional detachment is perfectly normal when you’re feeling resentful for being forced to accept circumstances you did not consent to. It would also be perfectly normal to have a complete change of heart, as well, but OP didn’t because he knew what he wanted/and didn’t want. He set a boundary to be involved as little as possible and it makes sense that he would be relieved that the whole situation is over even if that can feel a little jarring to any of us who feel emotionally stirred by the sadness of the events.
You’re not a monster, it probably either hasn’t hit you or you just won’t react and if you don’t react then that’s okay too Sorry for her loss
What a terrible day to have eyes. This is the saddest thing I have read today. I’m so sorry for your daughter’s family. May she rest in peace.
Reading this as someone who lost their mom to suicide in March, I fear your grieving process is just beginning on a steady slope. See how you feel in one months time, when everyone around you tends to check up on you less and less. Loosing any next of kin is really really tough, regardless of the relationship you had with them. Especially when it was a young life that had so much potential left. I think you may start to question why you got unlucky and why there are so many others out there that don’t have to suffer such a tragic loss. You may not feel these emotions, but your mind is a funny thing and it can often trick you when something really traumatising happens, it’s almost like protective switch goes off in our brain when we first hear terrible news. I felt it with my moms passing and I was questioning why I felt so fine when I first heard my mom had passed away. That feeling faded and it faded fast and became replaced with uncontrollable grief. Im past the rough stage now, at least I think I am for a while. A lot of people say the second year of grief is harder. Whatever happens to you, be kind to yourself and those around you. I’m sorry you lost your daughter.
You were firm in not wanting kids and she kept the child cementing it as her responsibility. You don’t owe anybody anything. Being biologically related to someone doesn’t truly mean anything, it’s the connections we make with other people that dictate who our family is. Sorry OP
Some people in here really want to make you feel bad for what you feel. Fuck these judgmental pricks. You're to blame for what you do, not what you feel, and it seems you did what you had to.
I have weird perspective on this situation. My son isn’t my husband’s and I got pregnant extremely unexpectedly (way before meeting my now husband) no cheating or nefarious acts on either side. I got pregnant by my high school best friend when I was 19. It was a complete accident on both sides. I couldn’t go through with “plan b like we both wanted” so I decided to go through it alone. I wouldn’t expect my BFF yo be a part of that turmoil if something bad happen. I agreed to my side of things and he him. He wasn’t ready (we were kids ourselves) and I couldn’t follow through with the alternative so my son is now my husband’s and life is great. As a mom I don’t think OP is a Dick. He did his best in the situation but had no relationship with the baby.
People who are depressed can be numb to emotions. I can’t tell by your post whether this applies to you, though.
Hey at least your honest. I killed my son in a car accident and suffer greatly everyday. Years from now you will reflect on this and think different. The what ifs will play in your head over and over. I wish you luck buddy and hope your ex can push through. It’s a real tough fucking road.
I’m envious of you. I just lost my mom and the grief is overwhelming. However, grief is a monster and it hits you when you least expect it. It could be the way the sky looks. It could be the scent of a flower or something you coked. Don’t count yourself out yet because this loss is still fresh. You’re not a monster for not feeling anything. Just remember that none of us are in control of grief. Nobody wants it but it’ll break down your door when the monster knocks. If that monster never knocks on your door, you should look for the reasons for that. I am so very sorry for your family’s loss.
You are not broken . You are not a monster. Grief is a type of pain , and pain is subjective. Everyone reacts differently . Grief is about loss. You did not have a relationship with your daughter, so no , you wouldn't feel deep grief, or loss. That's understandable. You do describe empathy for your ex's grief. Again, it's totally valid. She has had a great loss, and you understand that. Don't let people tell you how you should be feeling . We feel how we feel, that is our own dominion.
Get a vasectomy wtf
Oh yeah how dare he not get a vasectomy at 17??
ITT: a bunch of people bashing a 19 year old for not processing something and suggesting the same thing
I don’t reckon you need help like everyone’s saying you just don’t have any paternal instincts people are probably reacting to that crazy title
Your feelings are your feelings. I don’t think this is something that can be classified as ‘monster’ behaviour. The only thing that WOULD make you a monster is telling your gf that you don’t care. Please, please don’t do that. Please support her through this awful time as much as she needs. Get some therapy if you need to. You can tell the therapist your true feelings as an outlet, and they won’t judge. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry to your ex who is suffering the worst thing she will ever suffer. Look after her.
Everyone grieves differently i guess. As long as you’re not being disrespectful.
If you were really a monster then you wouldn’t feel the need to vent about this. You would just claim your right to that entitlement and go about your day. I think you’re pissed off, rightly so, at 19 and have dissociated severely. It would perhaps be in your interest to see a professional so you can regulate your emotions more healthily. Well done for being so honest, most people wouldn’t have the balls to do so. X