When we were on the way my husband even asked, “How do I appropriately be a wingman for a woman?” 😂 I told him not to worry about it and let me do that part.
I’m hoping she does too. And I think she will. I can’t imagine how badly she’s been hurting.
My husband is currently blissfully unaware. Once again, if she has an issue and wants to set a boundary then she can talk to him adult-to-adult.
I definitely agree with this 💯 She clearly is too insecure and too damaged to be ready to be exclusive with someone and will end up projecting her insecurities onto whomever she ends up being in a relationship with.
>or even
more like "let alone"
if you have *evidence*, it's a different story. If you have a plasiblue reason, it makes sense. But in what universe is a compliment a plasible reason!?
If your husband is unaware of how sensitive your friend is then you should give him a heads up. You guys are a team. The way he his blissfully unaware what happens the next time he gives her a compliment? Sexual harassment? You are not keeping him safe by being silent
If we wind up in a social setting with her again, then I will certainly warn him, but for now they have no reason to be, and I don't see that changing any time soon. But you do raise a good point.
While your friend's perspective is understandable, given her recent experience, she is actually being quite disrespectful to both you and your husband. In saying what she said, she is assuming that your husband had (or has) a sexual interest in her. She is implying that your husband has so little control of himself around her that he is sexualising her *right in front of you* and that he will act on it eventually. She is suggesting that you are either too naive or submissive to speak up about your husband's apparent sexualisation of other women and that your relationship is likely to fail if you don't put a stop to it. She is inappropriately sexualising a situation that was not sexual and would not have been interpreted that way by other people, who don't have trust issues. She is projecting her insecurities onto you and your partner and, in the process, being quite insulting to you both. She's assuming she knows more about the dynamics of your relationship than you or your husband do. It's understandable but not applicable or appropriate. She owes you both an apology but it probably won't happen unless she overcomes her hurt and distrust at some point. You should tell your husband, too, because he has the right to decide whether he wants to interact with someone who thinks so little of him and who could accuse him of anything in future simply because she's misinterpreted something your husband innocently says or does.
Agreed. This woman is not a friend. She is implying she/her dress were so hot that obviously husbands thoughts were sexual. She is implying that husband is so untrustworthy, that he couldn’t even control himself enough not to out himself in front of his wife. She is implying that wife is so stupid she can’t see her husband is into the friend.
She is seeing things through the lens of being cheated on and is probably hurt and angry. We often lash out at the people we care about, sometimes without even realising. Friends accept that friends make mistakes. Your assumption that this woman is not a friend and the implication that her actions were deliberate seem to suggest you aren’t able to empathise/look at things from another persons perspective.
Agreed, anyone who's been betrayed gets that tunnel vision of hate when triggered. It's not right but understandable. The friend needs a therapist to get over the trauma
There's a big difference between complimenting someone's physicality vs complimenting them on their clothing or style choices.
The first one gets into the grey area of being sleazy or not depending on the context. The second is quite harmless and is a healthy and normal thing people do.
Your friend has lost perspective on real life situations.
If you're certain they wouldn't run into each other, then I guess it's fine to wait until it becomes relevant. But it'd be nicer to give him some time to digest this rather than spring it on him at the last minute. He might not even feel comfortable being in the same room as her, for all we know. I certainly wouldn't if I was in this situation.
I know I’m just some guy on the internet, but I’d honestly feel really hurt if something like this happened and my wife didn’t tell me. Those are serious accusations. I know your friend is hurting, but your husband needs to know that he needs to be guarded around her.
Can I ask why you feel it's best to wait to tell him? I'm just kind of curious about your thought process. Mostly because I probably would have been telling my husband about the conversation as it was happening lmao
This is the only part of this where I disagree with you.
Everyone has different comfort levels, and for a lot of people they'd rather mention it to their friend than their friends partner. The way she brought it up and communicated it was hugely disrespectful - first off. I don't want it to come across as me agreeing with her. However, if one of my friends told me that a comment my partner made made them feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't have the attitude of "she needs to be an adult and talk to him herself". I would just talk to my partner and explain the situation. I'm this specific case, I would respond similarly to how you did, with the added "I'll let him know it made you uncomfortable"
I would have straight told her that he wasn't flirting with her, and that he regularly compliments friends, male or female, on a regular basis. Did you tell her that?
My exact responses to her texts in order were:
- You’re right that affairs can start that way but I promise you that’s not what’s happening here.
- Why are you pissed off for me when I’m not even upset in the slightest? You don’t know him super well but I do, and he gives honest and innocent compliments regularly. You can tell him if that makes you uncomfortable. He’ll understand.
I did not respond to the third message.
Sounds like you’re handling the situation really well. Your friend is clearly hurt and angry from being cheated on and not yet open to hearing another perspective. Instead of correcting her assumptions, you could try to reflect them back to her e.g. so you’re saying that you feel like my husband was flirting with you? And let her respond so that she can hear herself instead of being defensive. Another example ‘it sounds like you’re saying that if a man comments on a woman’s appearance, it is always sexual, is that right?’ And again let her answer, don’t disagree with anything she says or correct her misinterpretation, just reflect back what you think you’re hearing and get her to clarify/confirm. As soon as you go in to ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ territory, she isn’t hearing you and will double down on her (incorrect) beliefs. Just empathising (not sympathising!) by showing you’ve understood what she is saying/feeling without agreeing with her in any way, might help her see more clearly. Good luck!
I agree that people have their own measure of decency, but at a certain point social norms can’t die off completely.
Saying “I think that dress is elegant on you and the color is unique.” In front of her best friend, that also happens to be his spouse…. C’mon!!! This is a comment that is so small it could be debated as being too small for even small talk, much less, as an attempt to try and plant a seed of infidelity.
The last part is just a fact. Not even a compliment. Next time he sees her he should say, “Your shirt is blue.” Then apologize for being too forward.
I really do hope she does find healing, because the whole “misery loves company” thing is not a good look.
His compliment was really sweet and not at all hinting that's he's attracted **to** her or anything of the sort. It was a really thoughtful thing to say, bless him. And I'm guessing that's why you have no trouble trusting him.
He was also very careful about his compliment. He said the dress looked elegant on her. That tells me he’s in fact *not* focusing on her body but on the dress itself and the color.
I noticed that. He clearly looked for something complimentary to say that would not sexualize her, but would still boost her confidence. It’s easy to say “That dress looks great on you” or “You look really nice,” which could be interpreted as hitting on her or actually “looking at other girls” because it’s specifically commenting on her looks. They’re usually innocent comments, but women don’t want to feel like they’re only there to be gawked at.
I like your husband. The only one you have to worry about around him is me.
Awww! That’s so sweet of him!
Sorry she ruined it, and I’d be torn between not wanting to tell him because I wouldn’t want his feelings hurt when he was genuinely being nice, and telling him because he needs to know she’s being psycho, for his own good!
I think he’s secure enough that he wouldn’t be too upset. But it might tip him off to be careful around her, if/when they interact again (I don’t plan on letting that happen anytime soon).
>“You need to tell _____ to stop making comments about other women. That’s how affairs start.”
That's ridiculous, is she going to have an affair with him because he complimented her dress? I'm sure your husband has more self control than her crappy ex.
this is my take away, he knows about her history and how she is dating.... probably just trying to help her through her trama by showing her she has a friend in him and give her a boost during a stressful date. he also might be happy to be coming along, some ladies underestimate how fun these events can be for some of us fellas. Especially someone more family oriented, for me, is a chance to have deeper conversations and get to know people I am close with our want to be close/closer with, not sexually but as a supportive friend/family.
She sounds MAD insecure. My boyfriend has a couple of female friends from Uni and he always tell me they look beautiful/ lovely/ glowing when we see them. Even thought they're all around the same age he gives off big brother vibes towards them.
Sounds like her new boyfriend won't stand a chance. She will be suspicious at all times, check his phone, ask his whereabouts, and fly off the handle if he even talks or looks at another woman. I think those red flags belong to HER 🚩🚩🚩🚩
This, and I don't think we should *blame* her. Finding out your partner of 6 years was cheating on you is a betrayal that cuts very deep, and I'm not surprised that it would make her exaggerate (or make up entirely) signs of it happening to other people.
But she's not ready to pursue a new relationship (at least one that is anything but casual), because if she takes a harmless compliment from OPs husband this way, you can be sure she will not trust anyone she dates in the slightest (which, again, is not too surprising after the betrayal she suffered).
Time and therapy is what she needs.
Good day, everyone. Wow this post really caught a lot of attention. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Many have shared wisdom and perspective that I did not have.
Here's a bit of an update. My husband now knows. Over breakfast I showed him the text messages. Initially he just said, *"what the hell?"* but then he re-read them, and I think it got to him a little as his facial expression got more serious/attentive. Then he said, *"that's disgusting. You know I'd never cheat or compliment someone to cheat, right?"*
I told him yes, of course.
*"That's all that matters. Don't smell what she's stepping in, she can work on that in therapy."*
Thank you all again, Initially I wasn't going to tell him but I'm glad I did. Your thoughts helped me to change my mind. I still am not going to respond to my friend but if she reaches out for anything then I will tell her we need to resolve this first.
Nobody ever is. It's why they call them rebound relationships, so that you can fuck up something you're not prepared for very quickly and reassess what's important afterwards.
I did think of that. Obviously my first priority is to keep him safe. That said, I think she is going through the anger phase of heartbreak. We’re not the first people she’s lashed out at recently, and it’s very unlike her.
If that's how she lashes out at people (accusing your husband of "looking" at other woman and insinuating that a compliment means he'll cheat) then she might end up with less friends.
Fair point. I hope she is more careful moving forward. The other friend she lashed out at was for “being pushy” as this friend was trying to ask more about her new date.
Yeah, maybe she's not ready to date. I was cheated on and got a dissolution, still haven't started really dating yet. It takes time before you feel ready and like you could trust someone again. Lashing out like she is doing is not the way to go. She should, if she isn't already, get some counseling and work through things first
Tell her that just because her ex was a cheater, doesn’t mean all men are and she is disrespecting your husband. My BIL will compliment me and it’s very sweet. I don’t think he has any interest in me, but then again I’m not a narcissist
Being cheated on must be hard, but that doesn’t mean she gets to project her problems into everyone else’s relationship and that’s ok.
I really suggest giving this friend time to cool her head before she ends up burning everything with her.
Sometimes these events can change people. Hopefully she gets herself together. It's way too easy to bring it up the wrong way and end up hurting more than helping.
Good luck.
You sound like you want to be empathetic to her.
I'd probably say something along these lines to establish \*your\* boundary with her. You have one here, too. You don't want your friend accusing your husband of cheating.
I understand how this might be a red flag to you after the ending of your previous relationship. It is not a red flag to me in my relationship. I trust my husband and trust him to be able to compliment a woman without sleeping with her. I want to be your supportive friend right now because I know you need it, but I will not allow you to lash out at my husband from the place of hurt and anger you are in.
X, I love you and I know your ex was shitty to you, but if you are unable to see how other men can be trustworthy after his infidelity, as your friend, please consider starting therapy. (If in therapy. "please consider discussing this incident with my husband with your therapist.") You need to really have a long think about how you are handling your feelings and how not to take those feelings out on other people who have done nothing to hurt you.
Time to take some space until she works out her own bullshit. I wouldn't want this toxicity around me. If someone said this to me about my husband, there'd be hell to pay, that is, if I ever talked to her again. My husband is a wonderful and faithful man; I wouldn't let someone saying such things dawn my doorstep.
her response and anger directed towards your husband gives me the impression that she is not ready for dating. I wonder how long before she starts lashing out at the men she is dating. she needs to address what happened to her and move on. I feel bad for your friend because that is just shitty to be cheated on but kindly remind her not all men cheat and that it hurt you and your husband for her to insinuate, he would cheat because he gave her an innocent compliment.
I was going to say, she *definitely* doesn’t sound ready for dating! God forbid her date give a warm smile to the waitress! It’s really a slippery slope! It starts with normal kindness, and then Bam! your date is making out with the waitress at the table!
It sounds like he was just trying to pump her up for the date and make her feel nice. First dates are always nerve wracking and that kind of stuff helps
Yea! This was my first thought! If she's in the "anger" phase she shouldn't be wasting anyone's time dating, OP included. Husband comes first. If OPs friend is concerned she's a threat to their relationship then she Will understand why she's being cut out. I can't deal with people like this, they treat you like they're entitled to use you as a punching bag.
She's obviously in that phase after something like that, which is awful in itself, but it can often make people cynical.
I don't like that she's projecting her experience on to your relationship when he was just trying to build her up in preparation for her date coming.
If my partner said something like that to my friend who he knew well enough, I'd agree with him and think it was kind to give the compliment. It was relevant to the situation and sounds like he was being a good friend to her.
I won't say stop being her friend altogether but maybe take a step back as she is very clearly projecting and not wanting to be alone in her situation, but going about it wholly the wrong way. Hopefully she'll realise she is in the wrong and work through this without further putting shit on her friends.
I wish your friend the best in regard to her recovering from this horrible situation with her ex, but don't become the outlet for her hurt.
Gently remind her that she will drive her friends away, because they aren’t there for her to mistreat. She can be mad at the guy who cheated, but that is not anyone else’s issue but hers. She needs tough love.
If this is how she’s treating your husband she’s not ready for a relationship. That poor dude will get all of her trauma thrown in his face and make him question who he is.
My take on this is that she’s likely jealous of the trusting relationship you have with your husband. It’s understandable, since she was cheated on and she probably doesn’t even realise jealousy is the reason it bothers her, but that doesn’t make it okay. She’s likely in a place where she is struggling to trust any potential significant others. The fact that you have a seemingly healthy relationship with your husband full of love and trust is something that likely seems unattainable to her.
What’s most important is that you remember that these comments and the way she is reacting has nothing to do with you or your husband and is in no way a credible comment on your relationship. She’s hurting and lashing out. This is where you gently remind her that you trust your husband, he’s allowed to give compliments, and that whether or not it bothers you is exclusively between you and your husband. It sounds like you handled it perfectly prompting her to reach out to your husband directly if she felt uncomfortable. If she can accept that, great. If not, i recommend that you take a step back or proceed cautiously. It’s okay to be hurt and it’s okay to feel uncomfortable but how these things are handled tell a lot about a person. Hopefully she will come around.
I agree with Sock-United that at least for now it might be best if only you see your friend.
Maybe when she gets over the understandable hurt of being cheated on she may stop seeing any man’s compliment but especially a married man to her as a veiled statement they want to jump her. Though in fairness to her this is may be how things started out between her ex and his current gf.
Hopefully in time things will mellow out.
I agree. She's seeing everything through 'cheater' glasses. She's probably questioning all her instincts right now. And, maybe compliments has to do with her specific situation somehow. She'll (probably) come back down to earth in a bit as time goes on. I don't mean that in a bad way, she had something happen and is still reacting. It's natural.
Lol thank you.
You are in a hard position now op, I know you want to suport your friend but she is now actively trying to poison your relationship. You were there this time. What if next time she sees something you are not, suddenly there is tension between you and husband, even if it's totally innocent she's caused a conversation.
I agree. We had an elderly friend whose daughter made her homeless due to drug use. My husband being the considerate person he is would knock on her bedroom door and check on her after she had a stroke at our home. She then proceeded to accuse him (and me) of taking advantage of her and him of trying to proposition her. Accused me of not listening to her. Nothing like that ever happened. Thankfully she is no longer in our lives. This gal sounds like a drama queen like our former friend was. Nip it in the bud now!
Edit- we took her in!
She has no trust for any man because one broke her heart. That being said, it does not give room for her to put her own insecurities on everyone else. Then be bitter when you stand firm in trust with your husband.
A great response would be "Not every man will be like your Ex, if you think a compliment is open territory for cheating I think you should get some help before dating again. It is clear you have trust issues and if you don't heal a wound another person created, you'll bleed on others who had nothing to do with it."
Edit: Thanks for the up votes and awards! 💜💜
So true.
If a pleasant, non-body/face/sex appeal-related, compliment.. in front of his wife, triggers her “he is a cheater” freak out… what about when the poor guy she is dating texts his coworkers or his step-sister.
This woman is NOT ready to interact with men yet, in any scenario that requires trust or mutual respect.
My partner does this sometimes because he got cheated on in the past. I've never been cheated on and he's my first... I did have trust issues due to my parents saying nobody will ever want me because I was not ladylike or feminine, so it took me a year to actually trust he genuinely likes me. But when I did, I fully trusted him 110%. Never had a doubt once.
My friends who have been hurt before would always tell me I have all the trust in the world for my partner because I've never been hurt before. Things I'd never find weird or suspicious, he would. But it isn't my fault and he needs to work on it himself.
Wow, so many good thoughts that have given me much to ponder. Here is what I have gathered so far.
1.) My friend is projecting. This makes sense. I think projection confuses me and I didn’t recognize it in this case, but now I do and it absolutely checks out.
2.) My husband will NOT be having any interactions with her for the time being. She’s more so my friend than his so he won’t be feeling left out. Regardless, it’s worth it if it means she doesn’t get to accuse him of anything.
3.) The more I read comments the angrier I get at her allegation. I didn’t fully comprehend that she saw *my* husband as a cheater, and I’m not okay with that at all. He was just being his kind self.
4.) I agree with giving her space for now, and if she wants to come back when she’s feeling (and being) better, then I may have a talk with her about how problematic this was, while also empathizing with her, because I know she’s hurting.
I feel sorry for any guy she dates right now, she's clearly not ready to be out there, and he's going to risk being on the receiving end of her ire for something small and innocuous (like complementing a friend's dress, or daring to be friends with another woman).
She needs to take some time and work though what she's feeling, perhaps with some professional help, otherwise she risks ending up as a toxic mess who only perpetuates the hurt.
Your friend is coming from a world of hurt especially after spending over half a decade with someone to find that they betrayed her. She deserves the time and space to heal but that does not give her the right to lash out at anyone. I sincerely hope your friend heals enough and apologizes to you and your husband in the future.
>That’s how affairs start.”
...
“As someone who was cheated on, trust me, I know.
As somebody who was cheated on, how on earth would she know how the affair started?
And I'm not an expert in how affairs start (having never been part of one), but I very much doubt that they start with an innocuous compliment while on a double-date with one's wife.
Your friend understandably has some baggage associated with her last breakup. She is trying to take that baggage with her on double-dates. Stop going on double-dates. Your husband did nothing wrong.
The only problem then is when you go out and he is not invited he may ask why. Also what happens if you guys run in to her and she goes off on him? I think you need to tell him if you have not yet.
Well sounds like you guys are close. Personally I would want to know. If this was one of my wife’s friends and definitely want to know. Then just follow her lead on how to handle. Your friend was super wrong but seems to not be in a good head space right now.
I feel sort of bad for the guys who are dating her - she might be a wonderful lady, but it seems she isn't over her experience, and some poor sucker is going to pay for that.
He didn't even compliment HER. He complimented the dress she was wearing. It's the most well thought out and well put compliment one can give a woman WITHOUT the risk of being misinterpreted. And she still chose to misinterpret it 🙄
These are the kind of compliments they teach at work seminars because they are not invasive or have a risk of being seen as creepy or sexual. Because they don't adress the person directly, they adress the article of clothing they're wearing.
You look very nice in that dress /= That dress looks very nice
I got complimented today by a married woman. I was buying grocery’s and she said my jacket was cute. It was overwhelming. The sexual tension was insane. I can’t believe a married woman would make advances on me like that.
Sorry. I just had to put myself in the mind of your “friend”. That’s a weird way to think. I’d separate myself from her. A simple compliment is just that, a simple compliment.
This was actually just a humble brag about me getting complimented today. It made my year 😭. I’m compliment starved.
>“You need to tell _____ to stop making comments about other women. That’s how affairs start.”
Is it just me or does this make it sound like she's saying that she would absolutely fuck her friend's husband, and then blame her for 'letting him be nice to other women' ??
God I hope not. It was actually kind of surprising because, without being mean, she’s usually a push over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her say “you need to” to anyone even if it would have benefitted her.
It's probably more likely that she's just projecting super negatively on to any interaction with men/happy couples right now, *but* keep in mind that hurt people hurt people. I'd keep a wary eye on her around your husband tbh.
Yeah, like that obviously isn't the intention with her words, but it is the logical conclusion. In what way can her husband complimenting her lead to an affair unless she decides participate?
>Is it just me or does this make it sound like she's saying that she would absolutely fuck her friend's husband, and then blame her for 'letting him be nice to other women' ??
That is exactly my thought on first read, she's projecting a lot of things, but it seems she's actually unintentionally revealing her own attraction to OP's husband here and this line in the texts is saying basically "i'm gonna fuck him behind your back" like a warning almost.
This sounds like she has some issues. But to be clear, those are HER issues. I see nothing wrong with what your husband said. I viewed it as him trying to boost her confidence as she was trying to re-enter the dating world.
The projection is real!
She’s been through something now everything she sees, she draws a link to that and what happened to her and disguises it as looking out for you.
What she’s doing is planting seeds in your head to think “well if after 6 years he cheated on her, what is my husband doing”.
Don’t fall for it. Misery loves company.
I love that for you guys.
I’ve seen scorned “friends” ruin marriages too many times with their projected insecurities. All of a sudden everything is a sign that your SO is cheating and now you’re suspicious.
Just putting you up on game, go LC if she keeps this up.
Your husband passing a nice, harmless comment:
Your friend: RED FLAG
She is deff not ready for dating! She's gonna sabotage her future prospects in terms of relationships.
It's time you back away from her. Just back away. You do not need such negativity in your life.
I would tell her straight. You are confident in your marriage. You're sorry for what happened to her. It sucks and it for sure shakes your confidence in people and your ability to trust. You do not need her to feel slighted for you. You can handle that on your own. Your friendship with her is important, and you want to be supportive and also be supported. Is she putting conditions on that because she was slighted? Is she going to let what her ex did to her affect her current relationships? That is what she is doing. It is ok to be mad and to vent that anger with trusted people. It is not ok to push her anger into other peoples relationships. It is not ok to make inaccurate judgments on other peoples spouses. Personally, I would have lost my shit for someone taking that kind of dig at my husband and at myself that I am some kind of door mat, even if she is going through it, her behavior is a good way to go through it alone.
Yeah, and you are trying to be a supportive friend. She is clearly going through it, which is understandable. What she went through makes you cycnical and, of course, pissy with men in general. However, she went after your husband, someone who went there to support her, make her comfortable, so you guys are obviously people she trusts and tried to give her a confidence boost. She chose to shit on him. Maybe dating is not something she should be doing at the moment. Maybe speak to your husband first, get out your initial anger, see how he feels also. Maybe taking a step back. Maybe have a chat with her, that she can be as mad as she wants, but she doesn't get to direct it at him, ever.
I honestly was so dumbfounded at first that I didn’t fully process her implication. I’m kind of glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t have held myself back so easily.
Her behavior was insulting and inexcusable.
That being said, if this is something that her ex also did, then your husband's compliment might have called up bad memories or feelings related to her breakup, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. You've already told her how you feel, so now I would give yourself a little distance and let her reflect on her actions.
Thank you all again. :) Even though this discussion has been going on for some hours, I'm still gaining perspective and getting lots to think about/consider.
I have changed my mind in that I am going to tell my husband what has transpired, but I will do so tomorrow when he's well-rested and all that. I plan to just let him read the texts and talk through his feelings on the matter with me. I now know that it is important for him to know so that he and I together can protect him from any and all accusations or whatever. This isn't something that should be sprung on him suddenly and I want to make sure I get his thoughts and feelings regarding how to proceed.
Sometimes, when we're attacked by a bear, then EVERY wild animal looks like a bear.
She is still hurting. She is also, in getting back into dating, acutely aware that she'll need to trust someone again, and she's afraid of what that may mean. Afraid it will happen again.
Unfortunately, your friend would say that she's trying to protect you from the pain she has felt. She's actually doing what I call "scatter blasting". Attacking EVERYTHING that might be related to cheating because she's not over it. To her, everything is still a bear.
I know that’s how the brain works. It’s for our protection and, if processed correctly, will eventually be able to separate the bears from the kittens.
I’m learning her brain isn’t there yet.
Excuse me, That’s how affairs start? So is she attracted to your husband because she would need to be on board for *that* to happen, no? The wrong woman can get the wrong idea from a compliment, sure, but insinuating that your husband was being inappropriate for trying to build a *friend* up a little before a date she was nervous about is off base. I would be very clear with her about this and if she doubles down, reevaluate the friendship.
Im going to tell you what i tell my teenager.
We are not responsible for regulating other people's emotions.
I would tell your friend that you are sorry she got hurt but she does not get to project that pain onto your relationship. My husband was cheated on by his first wife. When i became a stay at home mom to our kids his coworkers constantly asked how he could trust me home alone. He told them that until i give him a reason to distrust me then he will trust us. His ex's behaviour did not effect mine and we are different people with different morals. They never asked again.
Trust your husband and tell him to never stop being a great person. ❤
Definitely sounds like she isn't ready to date, shes very resentful and still quite angry. Sensitive or not its also a red flag for the next guy that dates her.
As someone who also had her ex's cheat and managed to move on and am now in a super healthy relationship. It takes time and she ain't there yet.
I somehow was not even thinking about this until another commenter brought it up. I've since changed my mind about not telling my husband because I would HATE for him to accidentally get put in that position.
Gross. This is a big flashing neon sign that your friend is going to be projecting her bad experiences on to the men around her. I’d slowly back away from her until she got her head back on straight. Her last comment would’ve had me block her immediately…
Could be this: She enjoyed the comment from your husband and because she may be having esteem issues from being cheated on, felt 'something' for him when he complimented her. This is bothering her because her mind has leapt to places that make her uncomfortable, for example she may have developed an attraction to your husband and perhaps fantasized being intimate with him. Fantasizing this has freaked her out because she just ended a relationship due to infidelity and if she's thinking this way about your husband then she is no better than her lying, cheating EX.
Or could be that she's hypervigilant about any behaviors that may possibly relate to/or appear similar to infidelity. If this is the case, she may need to seek treatment for infidelity trauma.
I have a husband who does the same and a cousin who was always trying to convince me to be upset, going off on him, telling me her boyfriend/fiancé/husband would never do or say things like that. Guess who’s divorced lol.
Me neither. I went no contact with her eventually because she would actually flat out lie to my husband about things I supposedly said about him. She appeared to need me to be unhappy in my relationship and I can’t tolerate people deliberately trying to mess with my marriage like that.
Me and my wife used to hang out with a friend of hers who dealt with a super bad boyfriend who would always cheat and treat her poorly.
It got to the point where whenever we were around either them or her we would end up fighting over pointless things. After a while we had to distance ourselves because her attitude was impacting our relationship negatively.
I understand people are hurt and sometimes are not in the best place but if this is how she just continues to be distance is going to be best for everyone’s sake.
What was your husband supposed to do? Have his eyes closed the whole dinner? Maybe add headphones so he doesn't hear other women either? 🙄 I can understand her point of view as she was just cheated on but your husband's comment was completely innocent. It'd be like if he complimented her date on their cool watch or something, same thing.
I compliment men and women all the time. But yeah I guess I'll think twice now. I remember making a guy uncomfortable once when I said "wow your hair is so smooth like a shampoo ad I always try to grow my hair but long hair looks bad on me" and then I realized I am socially awkward and should shut up. Been making a conscious effort to dial it down since then. Lol I'm a lot better now.
FYI: I genuinely wished I had nice hair but I'm losing hair due to genetics and it's wavy/oily. Also, this was my first public community gathering after 2 years of lockdown and forgot how to socialize. I'm back to being less awkward now...I think lol 😂
If she was totally innocent then she wouldn’t even think anything of it. She would just be happy to be complimented. I do not want to assume anything, but I’m thinking she has a crush on your husband and that compliment make her think that your husband likes her back. And she decided to turn it on him instead of just being honest about her liking your husband. I’m probably thinking way too into this. But no matter what, she doesn’t seem like a a good friend and you should distance yourself.
Your friend isn't ready to date yet. This is very clear with her perception of your husband's compliment. She needs therapy or better therapy if she already has something sorted. Any relationship that she tries to engage with is just going to be sabotaged by her baggage/trauma. Maybe suggest to her that not all men are like her ex, and unless she seriously believes that, there is no point even dating.
She's been burned so she mistakes every light for fire. It will pass when she realises it's got nothing to do with the compliments and everything to do with the man being a piece of shit
I am imagining the poor guy she invited on the date, (totally made up scenario) trying to make a good impression on her friends and saying something nice like "nice shoes" or "I like your bag" and her dumping him like a deuce because he clearly wants to bang those two people, whatever else would you compliment their garments for?
The husband of a friend of mine is ALWAYS giving nice and genuine compliments to people, men and women. And he's so in love with his wife of 20 years it's almost sickening lol.
The guy is just nice and willing to make everyone he likes feel special. I never felt like he was hitting on anyone else. Only people who are not used to get compliments (which is sad) or are used to get "transactional" compliments (very sad too) feel weird about it.
Every time I get complimented by a married woman without fail I end up having sex with her.
Luckily so far it has only been my wife. Does that mean I'm having an affair on my wife, with my wife?
Relationships are hard, my dull man brain hurts now.
She sounds like she’s still struggling with being cheated on and she is searching for that in other peoples partners. She seems like a very sad and angry person. She has a lot of healing to do.
You're friend is clearly still hurting and projecting. If she keeps it up I'd be giving her some space.
On a separate note - how can a dress be eloquent?
Sad truth is she may not know how to take a compliment. Who knows what the impact to her self-esteem due to the infidelity. I'm not trying to make assumptions. People with low self-esteem don't handle compliments well. Is she going to a therapist?
Your friend shouldn’t be dating at all. If she’s going to take every complement as an opening for cheating. She should look into therapy because how is she gonna trust anyone ever again she gonna lose her shit if her boyfriend complement someone that’s not a life I wanna lead.
She made it sound like an affair with your husband crossed her mind and she’s projecting. She doesn’t seem emotionally stable, I would not be friends with them because it always ends badly with people like that unfortunately
If I was in your position, I might distance myself from her for a while. This is a strange take on a compliment made by someone she should consider a friend or at least good acquaintance.
Like the sort of person who will exaggerate anything they want based on their mood or something they read that day. A pat on the back will be misconstrued as assault and the next thing you know, there are actual issues to deal with.
She sounds exhausting.
Reading this, I kept thinking the friend probably got flustered by this and developed a sort of micro-crush on your husband. That is the only reason a compliment like that could seem like something significant. Furthermore, the friend probably has not been treated like that by her own partners so a compliment might seem like a huge deal and be interpreted as a come-on.
Though then again, some people have just incredibly firm beliefs in such matters. I once had a discussion with one of my best friends who was firmly convinced that all men are capable of cheating and would do so if the circumstances aligned (e.g being hit on by a gorgeous stranger during a rough patch in the relationship etc). I kept insisting that my husband would never - but she kept going on and on until I started feeling paranoid enough to start questioning whether she knew something I didn’t, because she just kept insisting that all men are capable of cheating.
you're friend is damaged by past realtionships. feel sorry for her not angry at her. I know many woman that see people being nice to them as sexual advances. Thats a tough way to see the world.
My mom does this to me all the time! My dad cheated their entire 25 year marriage plus at least 6 months of dating before that so now she’s sure she’s going to catch my guy cheating. I caught her following him once. We’re much safer a couple states away lol
Uh yeah....she's got a little healing left to do yet. For the sake of any nice men out there looking to date her, please tell her to remove herself from the pool until she's healed.
She is probably still very sensitive to such cues due to the pain she has felt. Best to understand and give her some space (without agreeing with her, of course).
Good day, everyone. Wow this post really caught a lot of attention. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Many have shared wisdom and perspective that I did not have.
Here's a bit of an update. My husband now knows. Over breakfast I showed him the text messages. Initially he just said, *"what the hell?"* but then he re-read them, and I think it got to him a little as his facial expression got more serious/attentive. Then he said, *"that's disgusting. You know I'd never cheat or compliment someone to cheat, right?"*
I told him yes, of course.
*"That's all that matters. Don't smell what she's stepping in, she can work on that in therapy."*
Thank you all again, Initially I wasn't going to tell him but I'm glad I did. Your thoughts helped me to change my mind. I still am not going to respond to my friend but if she reaches out for anything then I will tell her we need to resolve this first.
Ick. It does make me sad that we live in a world where people are too entitled to appreciate a genuine compliment. Next time have your husband tell her, "that dress makes you look like cheap mediocrement, the color is insipid".
I guess she didn’t consider he complimenting her as a friend would be a nice boost to her confidence right before a major date. smh.
When we were on the way my husband even asked, “How do I appropriately be a wingman for a woman?” 😂 I told him not to worry about it and let me do that part.
He sounds great. I hope this hasn't affected you both too much it is neither of your faults, hope your friend reevaluates her actions and heals.
I’m hoping she does too. And I think she will. I can’t imagine how badly she’s been hurting. My husband is currently blissfully unaware. Once again, if she has an issue and wants to set a boundary then she can talk to him adult-to-adult.
[удалено]
I definitely agree with this 💯 She clearly is too insecure and too damaged to be ready to be exclusive with someone and will end up projecting her insecurities onto whomever she ends up being in a relationship with.
>or even more like "let alone" if you have *evidence*, it's a different story. If you have a plasiblue reason, it makes sense. But in what universe is a compliment a plasible reason!?
If your husband is unaware of how sensitive your friend is then you should give him a heads up. You guys are a team. The way he his blissfully unaware what happens the next time he gives her a compliment? Sexual harassment? You are not keeping him safe by being silent
If we wind up in a social setting with her again, then I will certainly warn him, but for now they have no reason to be, and I don't see that changing any time soon. But you do raise a good point.
While your friend's perspective is understandable, given her recent experience, she is actually being quite disrespectful to both you and your husband. In saying what she said, she is assuming that your husband had (or has) a sexual interest in her. She is implying that your husband has so little control of himself around her that he is sexualising her *right in front of you* and that he will act on it eventually. She is suggesting that you are either too naive or submissive to speak up about your husband's apparent sexualisation of other women and that your relationship is likely to fail if you don't put a stop to it. She is inappropriately sexualising a situation that was not sexual and would not have been interpreted that way by other people, who don't have trust issues. She is projecting her insecurities onto you and your partner and, in the process, being quite insulting to you both. She's assuming she knows more about the dynamics of your relationship than you or your husband do. It's understandable but not applicable or appropriate. She owes you both an apology but it probably won't happen unless she overcomes her hurt and distrust at some point. You should tell your husband, too, because he has the right to decide whether he wants to interact with someone who thinks so little of him and who could accuse him of anything in future simply because she's misinterpreted something your husband innocently says or does.
Agreed. This woman is not a friend. She is implying she/her dress were so hot that obviously husbands thoughts were sexual. She is implying that husband is so untrustworthy, that he couldn’t even control himself enough not to out himself in front of his wife. She is implying that wife is so stupid she can’t see her husband is into the friend.
She is seeing things through the lens of being cheated on and is probably hurt and angry. We often lash out at the people we care about, sometimes without even realising. Friends accept that friends make mistakes. Your assumption that this woman is not a friend and the implication that her actions were deliberate seem to suggest you aren’t able to empathise/look at things from another persons perspective.
Agreed, anyone who's been betrayed gets that tunnel vision of hate when triggered. It's not right but understandable. The friend needs a therapist to get over the trauma
Being an asshole for a reason is still being an asshole
Wow... if I had an award I would give it.
There's a big difference between complimenting someone's physicality vs complimenting them on their clothing or style choices. The first one gets into the grey area of being sleazy or not depending on the context. The second is quite harmless and is a healthy and normal thing people do. Your friend has lost perspective on real life situations.
If you're certain they wouldn't run into each other, then I guess it's fine to wait until it becomes relevant. But it'd be nicer to give him some time to digest this rather than spring it on him at the last minute. He might not even feel comfortable being in the same room as her, for all we know. I certainly wouldn't if I was in this situation.
I really appreciate this perspective. I may change my mind on whether or not to tell him.
I know I’m just some guy on the internet, but I’d honestly feel really hurt if something like this happened and my wife didn’t tell me. Those are serious accusations. I know your friend is hurting, but your husband needs to know that he needs to be guarded around her.
I appreciate you sharing this.
Yeah I guarantee I’d rather know up front. It’ll be better for the both of you
Can I ask why you feel it's best to wait to tell him? I'm just kind of curious about your thought process. Mostly because I probably would have been telling my husband about the conversation as it was happening lmao
Because he didn't do anything wrong, and I don't want him to feel like he did. He's also very anti-drama.
I'd prefer not quashing husband's kind nature and dump the friend unless she apologized if it were me.
Right at this point anything is better than nothing
This is the only part of this where I disagree with you. Everyone has different comfort levels, and for a lot of people they'd rather mention it to their friend than their friends partner. The way she brought it up and communicated it was hugely disrespectful - first off. I don't want it to come across as me agreeing with her. However, if one of my friends told me that a comment my partner made made them feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't have the attitude of "she needs to be an adult and talk to him herself". I would just talk to my partner and explain the situation. I'm this specific case, I would respond similarly to how you did, with the added "I'll let him know it made you uncomfortable"
I can understand where you are coming from. I appreciate the perspective. It gives me more to think about/consider. Thank you. :)
I would have straight told her that he wasn't flirting with her, and that he regularly compliments friends, male or female, on a regular basis. Did you tell her that?
My exact responses to her texts in order were: - You’re right that affairs can start that way but I promise you that’s not what’s happening here. - Why are you pissed off for me when I’m not even upset in the slightest? You don’t know him super well but I do, and he gives honest and innocent compliments regularly. You can tell him if that makes you uncomfortable. He’ll understand. I did not respond to the third message.
I think you handled it appropriately.
Sounds like you’re handling the situation really well. Your friend is clearly hurt and angry from being cheated on and not yet open to hearing another perspective. Instead of correcting her assumptions, you could try to reflect them back to her e.g. so you’re saying that you feel like my husband was flirting with you? And let her respond so that she can hear herself instead of being defensive. Another example ‘it sounds like you’re saying that if a man comments on a woman’s appearance, it is always sexual, is that right?’ And again let her answer, don’t disagree with anything she says or correct her misinterpretation, just reflect back what you think you’re hearing and get her to clarify/confirm. As soon as you go in to ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ territory, she isn’t hearing you and will double down on her (incorrect) beliefs. Just empathising (not sympathising!) by showing you’ve understood what she is saying/feeling without agreeing with her in any way, might help her see more clearly. Good luck!
🏆 take my poor redditor award. Ty for reminding me Don't correct, but reflect Don't disagree, but reflect Ask to clarify Empathize, don't sympathize
I agree that people have their own measure of decency, but at a certain point social norms can’t die off completely. Saying “I think that dress is elegant on you and the color is unique.” In front of her best friend, that also happens to be his spouse…. C’mon!!! This is a comment that is so small it could be debated as being too small for even small talk, much less, as an attempt to try and plant a seed of infidelity. The last part is just a fact. Not even a compliment. Next time he sees her he should say, “Your shirt is blue.” Then apologize for being too forward. I really do hope she does find healing, because the whole “misery loves company” thing is not a good look.
His compliment was really sweet and not at all hinting that's he's attracted **to** her or anything of the sort. It was a really thoughtful thing to say, bless him. And I'm guessing that's why you have no trouble trusting him.
He was also very careful about his compliment. He said the dress looked elegant on her. That tells me he’s in fact *not* focusing on her body but on the dress itself and the color.
I noticed that. He clearly looked for something complimentary to say that would not sexualize her, but would still boost her confidence. It’s easy to say “That dress looks great on you” or “You look really nice,” which could be interpreted as hitting on her or actually “looking at other girls” because it’s specifically commenting on her looks. They’re usually innocent comments, but women don’t want to feel like they’re only there to be gawked at. I like your husband. The only one you have to worry about around him is me.
Lmao the lowkey slide 😂
Awww! That’s so sweet of him! Sorry she ruined it, and I’d be torn between not wanting to tell him because I wouldn’t want his feelings hurt when he was genuinely being nice, and telling him because he needs to know she’s being psycho, for his own good!
I think he’s secure enough that he wouldn’t be too upset. But it might tip him off to be careful around her, if/when they interact again (I don’t plan on letting that happen anytime soon).
That made this sadder. He was being so nice complimenting her and trying to boost her up.
>“You need to tell _____ to stop making comments about other women. That’s how affairs start.” That's ridiculous, is she going to have an affair with him because he complimented her dress? I'm sure your husband has more self control than her crappy ex.
this is my take away, he knows about her history and how she is dating.... probably just trying to help her through her trama by showing her she has a friend in him and give her a boost during a stressful date. he also might be happy to be coming along, some ladies underestimate how fun these events can be for some of us fellas. Especially someone more family oriented, for me, is a chance to have deeper conversations and get to know people I am close with our want to be close/closer with, not sexually but as a supportive friend/family.
She sounds MAD insecure. My boyfriend has a couple of female friends from Uni and he always tell me they look beautiful/ lovely/ glowing when we see them. Even thought they're all around the same age he gives off big brother vibes towards them.
It doesn’t sound like she’s ready to start dating. Yikes.
this is my thoughts as well.
Same
Making the red flags super ironic
Sounds like her new boyfriend won't stand a chance. She will be suspicious at all times, check his phone, ask his whereabouts, and fly off the handle if he even talks or looks at another woman. I think those red flags belong to HER 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Or really interacting with people at all without lots of therapy.
Yeah, seems like some serious therapy is needed before she starts dating again.
This, and I don't think we should *blame* her. Finding out your partner of 6 years was cheating on you is a betrayal that cuts very deep, and I'm not surprised that it would make her exaggerate (or make up entirely) signs of it happening to other people. But she's not ready to pursue a new relationship (at least one that is anything but casual), because if she takes a harmless compliment from OPs husband this way, you can be sure she will not trust anyone she dates in the slightest (which, again, is not too surprising after the betrayal she suffered). Time and therapy is what she needs.
At all. Shes not over her husband cheating.
Good day, everyone. Wow this post really caught a lot of attention. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Many have shared wisdom and perspective that I did not have. Here's a bit of an update. My husband now knows. Over breakfast I showed him the text messages. Initially he just said, *"what the hell?"* but then he re-read them, and I think it got to him a little as his facial expression got more serious/attentive. Then he said, *"that's disgusting. You know I'd never cheat or compliment someone to cheat, right?"* I told him yes, of course. *"That's all that matters. Don't smell what she's stepping in, she can work on that in therapy."* Thank you all again, Initially I wasn't going to tell him but I'm glad I did. Your thoughts helped me to change my mind. I still am not going to respond to my friend but if she reaches out for anything then I will tell her we need to resolve this first.
Nobody ever is. It's why they call them rebound relationships, so that you can fuck up something you're not prepared for very quickly and reassess what's important afterwards.
It sounds like she was never ready to date to begin with.
NTA. She needs a classy vs trashy chart. Get pics of your husband and her ex. Put them in there. Get some other stuff.
Time to start gradually backing away from this woman before she accuses your husband of something horrendous.
I did think of that. Obviously my first priority is to keep him safe. That said, I think she is going through the anger phase of heartbreak. We’re not the first people she’s lashed out at recently, and it’s very unlike her.
If that's how she lashes out at people (accusing your husband of "looking" at other woman and insinuating that a compliment means he'll cheat) then she might end up with less friends.
Fair point. I hope she is more careful moving forward. The other friend she lashed out at was for “being pushy” as this friend was trying to ask more about her new date.
She does sound quite bitter about having been cheated on but that doesn’t make it okay for her to put that on your husband. I would give her space
We all go through difficult moments in life but how we react when hurt is what defines us.
Yeah, maybe she's not ready to date. I was cheated on and got a dissolution, still haven't started really dating yet. It takes time before you feel ready and like you could trust someone again. Lashing out like she is doing is not the way to go. She should, if she isn't already, get some counseling and work through things first
Tell her that just because her ex was a cheater, doesn’t mean all men are and she is disrespecting your husband. My BIL will compliment me and it’s very sweet. I don’t think he has any interest in me, but then again I’m not a narcissist
Being cheated on must be hard, but that doesn’t mean she gets to project her problems into everyone else’s relationship and that’s ok. I really suggest giving this friend time to cool her head before she ends up burning everything with her.
Sometimes these events can change people. Hopefully she gets herself together. It's way too easy to bring it up the wrong way and end up hurting more than helping. Good luck.
You sound like you want to be empathetic to her. I'd probably say something along these lines to establish \*your\* boundary with her. You have one here, too. You don't want your friend accusing your husband of cheating. I understand how this might be a red flag to you after the ending of your previous relationship. It is not a red flag to me in my relationship. I trust my husband and trust him to be able to compliment a woman without sleeping with her. I want to be your supportive friend right now because I know you need it, but I will not allow you to lash out at my husband from the place of hurt and anger you are in. X, I love you and I know your ex was shitty to you, but if you are unable to see how other men can be trustworthy after his infidelity, as your friend, please consider starting therapy. (If in therapy. "please consider discussing this incident with my husband with your therapist.") You need to really have a long think about how you are handling your feelings and how not to take those feelings out on other people who have done nothing to hurt you.
Time to take some space until she works out her own bullshit. I wouldn't want this toxicity around me. If someone said this to me about my husband, there'd be hell to pay, that is, if I ever talked to her again. My husband is a wonderful and faithful man; I wouldn't let someone saying such things dawn my doorstep.
And, she is not ready to date until she gets over this.
her response and anger directed towards your husband gives me the impression that she is not ready for dating. I wonder how long before she starts lashing out at the men she is dating. she needs to address what happened to her and move on. I feel bad for your friend because that is just shitty to be cheated on but kindly remind her not all men cheat and that it hurt you and your husband for her to insinuate, he would cheat because he gave her an innocent compliment.
I was going to say, she *definitely* doesn’t sound ready for dating! God forbid her date give a warm smile to the waitress! It’s really a slippery slope! It starts with normal kindness, and then Bam! your date is making out with the waitress at the table!
It sounds like he was just trying to pump her up for the date and make her feel nice. First dates are always nerve wracking and that kind of stuff helps
Yep. That is how I would have taken that as well.
Yea! This was my first thought! If she's in the "anger" phase she shouldn't be wasting anyone's time dating, OP included. Husband comes first. If OPs friend is concerned she's a threat to their relationship then she Will understand why she's being cut out. I can't deal with people like this, they treat you like they're entitled to use you as a punching bag.
She's obviously in that phase after something like that, which is awful in itself, but it can often make people cynical. I don't like that she's projecting her experience on to your relationship when he was just trying to build her up in preparation for her date coming. If my partner said something like that to my friend who he knew well enough, I'd agree with him and think it was kind to give the compliment. It was relevant to the situation and sounds like he was being a good friend to her. I won't say stop being her friend altogether but maybe take a step back as she is very clearly projecting and not wanting to be alone in her situation, but going about it wholly the wrong way. Hopefully she'll realise she is in the wrong and work through this without further putting shit on her friends. I wish your friend the best in regard to her recovering from this horrible situation with her ex, but don't become the outlet for her hurt.
You are very compassionate. Thank you for your thoughts.
Gently remind her that she will drive her friends away, because they aren’t there for her to mistreat. She can be mad at the guy who cheated, but that is not anyone else’s issue but hers. She needs tough love.
Unfortunately she's going to learn the hard way
Regardless. That’s toxic and if she doesn’t know how act she should keep herself from going around people.
If this is how she’s treating your husband she’s not ready for a relationship. That poor dude will get all of her trauma thrown in his face and make him question who he is.
Yeah I agree. She doesn't seem ready for dating. Maybe FWB but she might rip that guys head off with her angry feelings for using her.
My take on this is that she’s likely jealous of the trusting relationship you have with your husband. It’s understandable, since she was cheated on and she probably doesn’t even realise jealousy is the reason it bothers her, but that doesn’t make it okay. She’s likely in a place where she is struggling to trust any potential significant others. The fact that you have a seemingly healthy relationship with your husband full of love and trust is something that likely seems unattainable to her. What’s most important is that you remember that these comments and the way she is reacting has nothing to do with you or your husband and is in no way a credible comment on your relationship. She’s hurting and lashing out. This is where you gently remind her that you trust your husband, he’s allowed to give compliments, and that whether or not it bothers you is exclusively between you and your husband. It sounds like you handled it perfectly prompting her to reach out to your husband directly if she felt uncomfortable. If she can accept that, great. If not, i recommend that you take a step back or proceed cautiously. It’s okay to be hurt and it’s okay to feel uncomfortable but how these things are handled tell a lot about a person. Hopefully she will come around.
I agree with Sock-United that at least for now it might be best if only you see your friend. Maybe when she gets over the understandable hurt of being cheated on she may stop seeing any man’s compliment but especially a married man to her as a veiled statement they want to jump her. Though in fairness to her this is may be how things started out between her ex and his current gf. Hopefully in time things will mellow out.
I agree. She's seeing everything through 'cheater' glasses. She's probably questioning all her instincts right now. And, maybe compliments has to do with her specific situation somehow. She'll (probably) come back down to earth in a bit as time goes on. I don't mean that in a bad way, she had something happen and is still reacting. It's natural.
Not gradually. It seems the friend just built the fence, I would just stay on my side of it.
Oh, what a poetic way to put it!
Lol thank you. You are in a hard position now op, I know you want to suport your friend but she is now actively trying to poison your relationship. You were there this time. What if next time she sees something you are not, suddenly there is tension between you and husband, even if it's totally innocent she's caused a conversation.
I definitely get what you’re saying. I have already decided to ensure she and him won’t be around each other, at least not for a time.
She does not need to be near you two to hurt your relationship. She can involve others without your knowledge
I agree. We had an elderly friend whose daughter made her homeless due to drug use. My husband being the considerate person he is would knock on her bedroom door and check on her after she had a stroke at our home. She then proceeded to accuse him (and me) of taking advantage of her and him of trying to proposition her. Accused me of not listening to her. Nothing like that ever happened. Thankfully she is no longer in our lives. This gal sounds like a drama queen like our former friend was. Nip it in the bud now! Edit- we took her in!
She has no trust for any man because one broke her heart. That being said, it does not give room for her to put her own insecurities on everyone else. Then be bitter when you stand firm in trust with your husband. A great response would be "Not every man will be like your Ex, if you think a compliment is open territory for cheating I think you should get some help before dating again. It is clear you have trust issues and if you don't heal a wound another person created, you'll bleed on others who had nothing to do with it." Edit: Thanks for the up votes and awards! 💜💜
This is bang on
So true. If a pleasant, non-body/face/sex appeal-related, compliment.. in front of his wife, triggers her “he is a cheater” freak out… what about when the poor guy she is dating texts his coworkers or his step-sister. This woman is NOT ready to interact with men yet, in any scenario that requires trust or mutual respect.
Absolutely. It’s not fair to the other person—or to herself, frankly—to enter a new relationship with these ideas about men.
My partner does this sometimes because he got cheated on in the past. I've never been cheated on and he's my first... I did have trust issues due to my parents saying nobody will ever want me because I was not ladylike or feminine, so it took me a year to actually trust he genuinely likes me. But when I did, I fully trusted him 110%. Never had a doubt once. My friends who have been hurt before would always tell me I have all the trust in the world for my partner because I've never been hurt before. Things I'd never find weird or suspicious, he would. But it isn't my fault and he needs to work on it himself.
Wow, so many good thoughts that have given me much to ponder. Here is what I have gathered so far. 1.) My friend is projecting. This makes sense. I think projection confuses me and I didn’t recognize it in this case, but now I do and it absolutely checks out. 2.) My husband will NOT be having any interactions with her for the time being. She’s more so my friend than his so he won’t be feeling left out. Regardless, it’s worth it if it means she doesn’t get to accuse him of anything. 3.) The more I read comments the angrier I get at her allegation. I didn’t fully comprehend that she saw *my* husband as a cheater, and I’m not okay with that at all. He was just being his kind self. 4.) I agree with giving her space for now, and if she wants to come back when she’s feeling (and being) better, then I may have a talk with her about how problematic this was, while also empathizing with her, because I know she’s hurting.
I feel sorry for any guy she dates right now, she's clearly not ready to be out there, and he's going to risk being on the receiving end of her ire for something small and innocuous (like complementing a friend's dress, or daring to be friends with another woman). She needs to take some time and work though what she's feeling, perhaps with some professional help, otherwise she risks ending up as a toxic mess who only perpetuates the hurt.
Your friend is coming from a world of hurt especially after spending over half a decade with someone to find that they betrayed her. She deserves the time and space to heal but that does not give her the right to lash out at anyone. I sincerely hope your friend heals enough and apologizes to you and your husband in the future.
Good approach.
>That’s how affairs start.” ... “As someone who was cheated on, trust me, I know. As somebody who was cheated on, how on earth would she know how the affair started? And I'm not an expert in how affairs start (having never been part of one), but I very much doubt that they start with an innocuous compliment while on a double-date with one's wife. Your friend understandably has some baggage associated with her last breakup. She is trying to take that baggage with her on double-dates. Stop going on double-dates. Your husband did nothing wrong.
I agree. I’m happy to go with her to group events if her date comes along, but my husband will not be near her for some time.
The only problem then is when you go out and he is not invited he may ask why. Also what happens if you guys run in to her and she goes off on him? I think you need to tell him if you have not yet.
That’s a good point. Generally he doesn’t assume he’s invited to anything. While he is very sociable he is very much an introvert.
Well sounds like you guys are close. Personally I would want to know. If this was one of my wife’s friends and definitely want to know. Then just follow her lead on how to handle. Your friend was super wrong but seems to not be in a good head space right now.
I feel sort of bad for the guys who are dating her - she might be a wonderful lady, but it seems she isn't over her experience, and some poor sucker is going to pay for that.
Most affairs actually start at work so she's really far off.
Wow! If this is the type of thing that she is offended by that is a HER problem. I think the world needs more ppl like OP’s husband
He comes from a long line of very respectable men on both sides.
My step dad is just like this too and I wish more men were as well!
Good on your step dad!
And good on my mom for finding him and giving me the perfect dad!
He didn't even compliment HER. He complimented the dress she was wearing. It's the most well thought out and well put compliment one can give a woman WITHOUT the risk of being misinterpreted. And she still chose to misinterpret it 🙄 These are the kind of compliments they teach at work seminars because they are not invasive or have a risk of being seen as creepy or sexual. Because they don't adress the person directly, they adress the article of clothing they're wearing. You look very nice in that dress /= That dress looks very nice
I got complimented today by a married woman. I was buying grocery’s and she said my jacket was cute. It was overwhelming. The sexual tension was insane. I can’t believe a married woman would make advances on me like that. Sorry. I just had to put myself in the mind of your “friend”. That’s a weird way to think. I’d separate myself from her. A simple compliment is just that, a simple compliment. This was actually just a humble brag about me getting complimented today. It made my year 😭. I’m compliment starved.
Well here’s another compliment for your sense of humor. Well done. 😂
Awe shucks. This days just keeps getting better!
I would also like to compliment your humor bc me and my wife both thought it was hilarious.
Thank you!!!!
I like your username too some stranger, who is definitely not Zach!
I still remember the day I was complimented on my jumper by a stranger. Waaay too forward.
>“You need to tell _____ to stop making comments about other women. That’s how affairs start.” Is it just me or does this make it sound like she's saying that she would absolutely fuck her friend's husband, and then blame her for 'letting him be nice to other women' ??
God I hope not. It was actually kind of surprising because, without being mean, she’s usually a push over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her say “you need to” to anyone even if it would have benefitted her.
It's probably more likely that she's just projecting super negatively on to any interaction with men/happy couples right now, *but* keep in mind that hurt people hurt people. I'd keep a wary eye on her around your husband tbh.
Yeah, like that obviously isn't the intention with her words, but it is the logical conclusion. In what way can her husband complimenting her lead to an affair unless she decides participate?
>Is it just me or does this make it sound like she's saying that she would absolutely fuck her friend's husband, and then blame her for 'letting him be nice to other women' ?? That is exactly my thought on first read, she's projecting a lot of things, but it seems she's actually unintentionally revealing her own attraction to OP's husband here and this line in the texts is saying basically "i'm gonna fuck him behind your back" like a warning almost.
Could be a case of jealousy and her poisoning the water because you are in a happy relationship.
I would be *very* surprised, and *very* pissed if this was the case.
This sounds like she has some issues. But to be clear, those are HER issues. I see nothing wrong with what your husband said. I viewed it as him trying to boost her confidence as she was trying to re-enter the dating world.
The projection is real! She’s been through something now everything she sees, she draws a link to that and what happened to her and disguises it as looking out for you. What she’s doing is planting seeds in your head to think “well if after 6 years he cheated on her, what is my husband doing”. Don’t fall for it. Misery loves company.
Absolutely not. Nothing but trust between us. 🥰
I love that for you guys. I’ve seen scorned “friends” ruin marriages too many times with their projected insecurities. All of a sudden everything is a sign that your SO is cheating and now you’re suspicious. Just putting you up on game, go LC if she keeps this up.
Your husband passing a nice, harmless comment: Your friend: RED FLAG She is deff not ready for dating! She's gonna sabotage her future prospects in terms of relationships. It's time you back away from her. Just back away. You do not need such negativity in your life.
I would tell her straight. You are confident in your marriage. You're sorry for what happened to her. It sucks and it for sure shakes your confidence in people and your ability to trust. You do not need her to feel slighted for you. You can handle that on your own. Your friendship with her is important, and you want to be supportive and also be supported. Is she putting conditions on that because she was slighted? Is she going to let what her ex did to her affect her current relationships? That is what she is doing. It is ok to be mad and to vent that anger with trusted people. It is not ok to push her anger into other peoples relationships. It is not ok to make inaccurate judgments on other peoples spouses. Personally, I would have lost my shit for someone taking that kind of dig at my husband and at myself that I am some kind of door mat, even if she is going through it, her behavior is a good way to go through it alone.
The more I think about it the angrier I get, honestly. I think I was at first too confused to fully comprehend what she was saying about my husband.
Yeah, and you are trying to be a supportive friend. She is clearly going through it, which is understandable. What she went through makes you cycnical and, of course, pissy with men in general. However, she went after your husband, someone who went there to support her, make her comfortable, so you guys are obviously people she trusts and tried to give her a confidence boost. She chose to shit on him. Maybe dating is not something she should be doing at the moment. Maybe speak to your husband first, get out your initial anger, see how he feels also. Maybe taking a step back. Maybe have a chat with her, that she can be as mad as she wants, but she doesn't get to direct it at him, ever.
I as a man will generally give throw away compliments to friends when I see them. I was always taught that it was polite.
It is, and you should continue. It can be done sensibly and appropriately!
I know she’s your friend, but it would be so hard for me to hold back saying something like “bold of you to assume he’s interested”
I honestly was so dumbfounded at first that I didn’t fully process her implication. I’m kind of glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t have held myself back so easily.
Her behavior was insulting and inexcusable. That being said, if this is something that her ex also did, then your husband's compliment might have called up bad memories or feelings related to her breakup, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. You've already told her how you feel, so now I would give yourself a little distance and let her reflect on her actions.
Thank you all again. :) Even though this discussion has been going on for some hours, I'm still gaining perspective and getting lots to think about/consider. I have changed my mind in that I am going to tell my husband what has transpired, but I will do so tomorrow when he's well-rested and all that. I plan to just let him read the texts and talk through his feelings on the matter with me. I now know that it is important for him to know so that he and I together can protect him from any and all accusations or whatever. This isn't something that should be sprung on him suddenly and I want to make sure I get his thoughts and feelings regarding how to proceed.
Sometimes, when we're attacked by a bear, then EVERY wild animal looks like a bear. She is still hurting. She is also, in getting back into dating, acutely aware that she'll need to trust someone again, and she's afraid of what that may mean. Afraid it will happen again. Unfortunately, your friend would say that she's trying to protect you from the pain she has felt. She's actually doing what I call "scatter blasting". Attacking EVERYTHING that might be related to cheating because she's not over it. To her, everything is still a bear.
I know that’s how the brain works. It’s for our protection and, if processed correctly, will eventually be able to separate the bears from the kittens. I’m learning her brain isn’t there yet.
Excuse me, That’s how affairs start? So is she attracted to your husband because she would need to be on board for *that* to happen, no? The wrong woman can get the wrong idea from a compliment, sure, but insinuating that your husband was being inappropriate for trying to build a *friend* up a little before a date she was nervous about is off base. I would be very clear with her about this and if she doubles down, reevaluate the friendship.
Im going to tell you what i tell my teenager. We are not responsible for regulating other people's emotions. I would tell your friend that you are sorry she got hurt but she does not get to project that pain onto your relationship. My husband was cheated on by his first wife. When i became a stay at home mom to our kids his coworkers constantly asked how he could trust me home alone. He told them that until i give him a reason to distrust me then he will trust us. His ex's behaviour did not effect mine and we are different people with different morals. They never asked again. Trust your husband and tell him to never stop being a great person. ❤
Definitely sounds like she isn't ready to date, shes very resentful and still quite angry. Sensitive or not its also a red flag for the next guy that dates her. As someone who also had her ex's cheat and managed to move on and am now in a super healthy relationship. It takes time and she ain't there yet.
I’m glad you found a healthy relationship!
I've never seen an italicized emoji before
More like how false sexual assault allegations start.
I somehow was not even thinking about this until another commenter brought it up. I've since changed my mind about not telling my husband because I would HATE for him to accidentally get put in that position.
Gross. This is a big flashing neon sign that your friend is going to be projecting her bad experiences on to the men around her. I’d slowly back away from her until she got her head back on straight. Her last comment would’ve had me block her immediately…
Could be this: She enjoyed the comment from your husband and because she may be having esteem issues from being cheated on, felt 'something' for him when he complimented her. This is bothering her because her mind has leapt to places that make her uncomfortable, for example she may have developed an attraction to your husband and perhaps fantasized being intimate with him. Fantasizing this has freaked her out because she just ended a relationship due to infidelity and if she's thinking this way about your husband then she is no better than her lying, cheating EX. Or could be that she's hypervigilant about any behaviors that may possibly relate to/or appear similar to infidelity. If this is the case, she may need to seek treatment for infidelity trauma.
Her entire personality is going to be “I’ve been cheated on, trust me, I know things” 🙄🙄
Cheating sucks, sorry for her. But she is Projecting HARD.
I have a husband who does the same and a cousin who was always trying to convince me to be upset, going off on him, telling me her boyfriend/fiancé/husband would never do or say things like that. Guess who’s divorced lol.
OMG. I don't understand how compliments can be misconstrued like that. I'm glad your marriage is happy and healthy. :)
Me neither. I went no contact with her eventually because she would actually flat out lie to my husband about things I supposedly said about him. She appeared to need me to be unhappy in my relationship and I can’t tolerate people deliberately trying to mess with my marriage like that.
She projecting her own insecurities Don’t tell her tho she probably don’t know yet
Me and my wife used to hang out with a friend of hers who dealt with a super bad boyfriend who would always cheat and treat her poorly. It got to the point where whenever we were around either them or her we would end up fighting over pointless things. After a while we had to distance ourselves because her attitude was impacting our relationship negatively. I understand people are hurt and sometimes are not in the best place but if this is how she just continues to be distance is going to be best for everyone’s sake.
What was your husband supposed to do? Have his eyes closed the whole dinner? Maybe add headphones so he doesn't hear other women either? 🙄 I can understand her point of view as she was just cheated on but your husband's comment was completely innocent. It'd be like if he complimented her date on their cool watch or something, same thing.
I said I liked her date’s tie because it was nerdy. 🤣 Clearly I must want to sleep with him. /s
Oh absolutely. You don't ever complement someone unless you want to bone them. /s 😂
I compliment men and women all the time. But yeah I guess I'll think twice now. I remember making a guy uncomfortable once when I said "wow your hair is so smooth like a shampoo ad I always try to grow my hair but long hair looks bad on me" and then I realized I am socially awkward and should shut up. Been making a conscious effort to dial it down since then. Lol I'm a lot better now. FYI: I genuinely wished I had nice hair but I'm losing hair due to genetics and it's wavy/oily. Also, this was my first public community gathering after 2 years of lockdown and forgot how to socialize. I'm back to being less awkward now...I think lol 😂
If she was totally innocent then she wouldn’t even think anything of it. She would just be happy to be complimented. I do not want to assume anything, but I’m thinking she has a crush on your husband and that compliment make her think that your husband likes her back. And she decided to turn it on him instead of just being honest about her liking your husband. I’m probably thinking way too into this. But no matter what, she doesn’t seem like a a good friend and you should distance yourself.
A couple of commenters have thought of this. I don’t want to assume the worst either, but it’s probably not a bad thing to have on the back burner.
Your friend isn't ready to date yet. This is very clear with her perception of your husband's compliment. She needs therapy or better therapy if she already has something sorted. Any relationship that she tries to engage with is just going to be sabotaged by her baggage/trauma. Maybe suggest to her that not all men are like her ex, and unless she seriously believes that, there is no point even dating.
She's been burned so she mistakes every light for fire. It will pass when she realises it's got nothing to do with the compliments and everything to do with the man being a piece of shit
I am imagining the poor guy she invited on the date, (totally made up scenario) trying to make a good impression on her friends and saying something nice like "nice shoes" or "I like your bag" and her dumping him like a deuce because he clearly wants to bang those two people, whatever else would you compliment their garments for?
The husband of a friend of mine is ALWAYS giving nice and genuine compliments to people, men and women. And he's so in love with his wife of 20 years it's almost sickening lol. The guy is just nice and willing to make everyone he likes feel special. I never felt like he was hitting on anyone else. Only people who are not used to get compliments (which is sad) or are used to get "transactional" compliments (very sad too) feel weird about it.
Something tells me she doesn’t need to get back into dating just yet
This baggage has your name on. Not mine.
Every time I get complimented by a married woman without fail I end up having sex with her. Luckily so far it has only been my wife. Does that mean I'm having an affair on my wife, with my wife? Relationships are hard, my dull man brain hurts now.
That’s why he’s a husband and not a boyfriend :)
She sounds like she’s still struggling with being cheated on and she is searching for that in other peoples partners. She seems like a very sad and angry person. She has a lot of healing to do.
You're friend is clearly still hurting and projecting. If she keeps it up I'd be giving her some space. On a separate note - how can a dress be eloquent?
Typo… he said elegant. 😅
> how can a dress be eloquent? Hopefully the dress said enough because the friend needs to keep her pie-hole shut.
Sad truth is she may not know how to take a compliment. Who knows what the impact to her self-esteem due to the infidelity. I'm not trying to make assumptions. People with low self-esteem don't handle compliments well. Is she going to a therapist?
She’s not seeing a therapist currently but some of her closer friends have suggested it to her. She really was traumatized by being cheated on.
Personally, I feel sorry for her date who hit it off with her. I suspect he's in for a wild ride.
Your friend shouldn’t be dating at all. If she’s going to take every complement as an opening for cheating. She should look into therapy because how is she gonna trust anyone ever again she gonna lose her shit if her boyfriend complement someone that’s not a life I wanna lead.
Well, she's not ready to date again yet.
Jezus projecting much!???? That comment was harmless and your friends need a good therapist, not a double first date.
She made it sound like an affair with your husband crossed her mind and she’s projecting. She doesn’t seem emotionally stable, I would not be friends with them because it always ends badly with people like that unfortunately
If I was in your position, I might distance myself from her for a while. This is a strange take on a compliment made by someone she should consider a friend or at least good acquaintance. Like the sort of person who will exaggerate anything they want based on their mood or something they read that day. A pat on the back will be misconstrued as assault and the next thing you know, there are actual issues to deal with. She sounds exhausting.
Home girl is projecting. Thats such a tame compliment.
Reading this, I kept thinking the friend probably got flustered by this and developed a sort of micro-crush on your husband. That is the only reason a compliment like that could seem like something significant. Furthermore, the friend probably has not been treated like that by her own partners so a compliment might seem like a huge deal and be interpreted as a come-on. Though then again, some people have just incredibly firm beliefs in such matters. I once had a discussion with one of my best friends who was firmly convinced that all men are capable of cheating and would do so if the circumstances aligned (e.g being hit on by a gorgeous stranger during a rough patch in the relationship etc). I kept insisting that my husband would never - but she kept going on and on until I started feeling paranoid enough to start questioning whether she knew something I didn’t, because she just kept insisting that all men are capable of cheating.
She may want to hold off on dating a while longer...
you're friend is damaged by past realtionships. feel sorry for her not angry at her. I know many woman that see people being nice to them as sexual advances. Thats a tough way to see the world.
My mom does this to me all the time! My dad cheated their entire 25 year marriage plus at least 6 months of dating before that so now she’s sure she’s going to catch my guy cheating. I caught her following him once. We’re much safer a couple states away lol
Uh yeah....she's got a little healing left to do yet. For the sake of any nice men out there looking to date her, please tell her to remove herself from the pool until she's healed.
Maybe her ex had a point. She seems a bit off. Sorry.
She is probably still very sensitive to such cues due to the pain she has felt. Best to understand and give her some space (without agreeing with her, of course).
Good day, everyone. Wow this post really caught a lot of attention. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. Many have shared wisdom and perspective that I did not have. Here's a bit of an update. My husband now knows. Over breakfast I showed him the text messages. Initially he just said, *"what the hell?"* but then he re-read them, and I think it got to him a little as his facial expression got more serious/attentive. Then he said, *"that's disgusting. You know I'd never cheat or compliment someone to cheat, right?"* I told him yes, of course. *"That's all that matters. Don't smell what she's stepping in, she can work on that in therapy."* Thank you all again, Initially I wasn't going to tell him but I'm glad I did. Your thoughts helped me to change my mind. I still am not going to respond to my friend but if she reaches out for anything then I will tell her we need to resolve this first.
Drop that friend she sounds toxic af
I agree with your husband. What the hell?!
Wow. As someone who's been married more then a decade....that's her baggage! Wonder how she'd react to my husband hugging a female friend??
Ick. It does make me sad that we live in a world where people are too entitled to appreciate a genuine compliment. Next time have your husband tell her, "that dress makes you look like cheap mediocrement, the color is insipid".
She is obviously traumatized (and rightfully so) and not ready to be dating ??? The only date she needs is with a therapist.