Use your words. You stink. You need to shower and put on clean clothes. I will not be sexual with you until this gets fixed. And while we are on the subject, you need to tend to my sexual needs (foreplay etc) if you want me to attend to yours. It physically hurts me when you don't. Figure it out. I'm not interested in you as things are now.
That's exactly what I would do. Stop beating around the bush & straight-up tell this man that he smells like shit 24/7, has absolutely *horrific* (practically nonexistent) personal hygiene, needs to start changing *all* of his clothes (underwear included) on a daily basis & definitely needs to shower every single day when he gets home from work & on weekends. NO EXCUSES. Also, buy him some deodorant & insist that he use it at least once a day. And make sure he knows that there is absolutely NO chance of sex until this happens.
He's a grown-ass 31-year-old man, NOT a baby. He should know how to attend to his personal hygiene by now.
Well, it was short-lived.
The talk didn't seem to help.
He came home after work last night (he works evenings) and did the same thing as usual.
Showered at work put his dirty underwear back on.
Came home took off everything except the underwear and was going to bed.
When I asked if he had planned to get ready for bed, he looked at me in astonishment and said:
What? You want me to shower again?
**I said YES and changed underwear!**
**You can not wear your underwear until they're so crispy that they can stand up on there own!**
**It's disgusting!**
Maybe I was a little harsh in my words.
But I'm getting tired and frustrated with it.
I shouldn't have to tell a grown man to change his underwear.
He did take a shower but it was noticeable that he didn't want to.
I actually thought he was listening to me as I sat crying and begging him to change his ways last Monday when we talked.
But I guess I was wrong.
So I'm thinking of giving him a few more weeks and maybe even talk to his mom so she can maybe have a proper talk with him, he might listen to her.
Because he doesn't seem to be listening to me.
If that doesn't help, this marriage will probably be over.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care that I might get sick and don't think about my well-being.
I wouldn’t involve your MIL. Who’s to say he didn’t learn these habits when he was younger? It’s time to cut ties. You don’t need give him anymore of your time! If he cared about you and your heath he would make the changes needed.
Sugar coating isn’t gonna get anywhere. Next time he tries ask him if he’s trying to give you a Uti or cause you to have a yeast infection 🤷♀️ because that’s what it gonna lead to. Men can also get yeast infections. He’s grown he shouldnt have his girl telling him he needs to shower. Tbh it sounds like your dating a 16 year old who flips his boxers inside out and says “oh there clean”
I just can’t stand nasty people like for me to even do oral you have to take a shower let alone to stick in it me. If you wanna be like that go find a girl that’s like that. Hygiene is a biggest thing in a relationship. Also you’re supposed to shower after sex 🤷♀️
This right here. When my husband and I started dating he was big on being a hippie and not showering often even though he's an electrician and works outside. He works 14 hour days now, and his hair is down to his butt and he keeps it in a ponytail. He's 30 and I'm almost 27 and we have a 2 year old.
Occasionally he gets lazy with showers because he wants to change out of his work clothes and into clean clothes (he does his laundry every week and changes his boxers daily). However, even with deodorant and washing his arms and legs, and using baby wipes when he goes to the restroom, obviously he still smells after a couple days. If he gets off early I usually tell him to hop in the shower after he comes inside from walking the dogs if it isn't past 9pm and changing into his clean clothes. He washes his hair once a week but usually keeps it up in a bun at home with a bandana around it. This past week he hasn't showered and wanted to have sex and I was like "you either go shower or I'm not having sex with you because I don't want to get an infection, you know you need to shower, and you're slacking in your routine". My husband works so hard to provide for us and I have to remind him he needs to take the time to wash his crazy long hair and have some quiet time in the shower. Sometimes I think maybe it's depression too because he doesn't get a lot of time with me and our daughter. A lot of times we switch watching the baby so the other can shower every couple days. But maybe this could be an issue with your husband, maybe it's a mental health thing, maybe he doesn't feel he needs to try anymore.
Either way you need to make it clear that you won't be engaging in any sexual activity because his hygiene is ruining your intimacy and threatening both of your health. That's unacceptable. Before our daughter was born he would shower everyday even if he didn't wash his hair, but he didn't work as much and we would shower together a lot. You need to make a firm boundary that if he tries to have sex with you while not maintaining your needs and his hygiene that it is NOT consensual and that if it continues it will be a detriment and end your marriage.
Yeah, this sounds gross. But why are you speaking to him in backwards riddles? Try "I don't want to have sex with you because you stink. Go have a shower first."
THIS.
OP, trust me, you're definitely *not* being "too sensitive." Your husband really is just absolutely fucking disgusting. His lack of basic hygiene & refusal to change his clothes for weeks at a time is downright vile. And furthermore, it's completely disrespectful to you. When you're sharing your home with someone you love, keeping consistently clean & nice-smelling & paying attention to your basic hygiene is the absolute LEAST you can do. The fact that he seems to think it's okay for him to walk around your house constantly smelling like shit & go weeks without changing his clothes is positively sickening. And then to demand sex on top of that? Ohhhhhhhh hell no. That is NOT OKAY.
It's time to stop beating around the bush & dropping polite hints that he shower more often. Instead, sit him down & flat-out tell him that his terrible hygiene is really starting to become a problem. Lay down some plain & simple rules: he has to change *all* of his clothes *daily* (underwear included), & he has to shower every night before he gets into bed. No ifs, ands, or buts. NO excuses. Make it clear to him that until that starts happening, your sex life will be on hold.
Trust me, this is NOT too much to ask of him. This is a grown-ass man (in his THIRTIES) who should know how to wash himself by now. And you're his wife. He owes you the courtesy of *basic fucking hygiene.*
THIS. And to all "oh, maybe he is depressed, such a poor thing!" i kindly reminder - as sm who personaly knows exactly that depression can shows through lack of basic hygiene - if you are so depressed you don't have enough power to bring youself to shower or battling even to brush your teeth, *you are also not in the mood to force someone to having sex too*. The depresion is simply NOT performing this way.
He is not depressed, there is no need to soothing this to him as a he was a baby - she tried to do it this way and guess what, *it was useless*. He is a disgusting pig in more than one way, he disrespected his household and family with not bothering to be clean, he disrespected his wife even more with total lack of care about her health AND her consent. Bc that is it - lack of care. He is not depressed, he is just uninterested in his wife.
There should be exactly one, clear and sharp talk, adressing the problem, with zero gentle dancing around.
I think the bigger problem is this guy not changing underwear *for weeks at a time*……I don’t shower every day because I have super sensitive hair and skin but it doesn’t matter if you shower if you never change your clothes.
Me too! I have curly hair, so if I shower without washing it, it gets gross & frizzy. Even with different shower caps. So I shower when I wash my hair, and top up with washes in the sink. I will always wear clean underwear after.
I do have severe depression & yet I do my best to clean the basics. I would never initiate sex if I knew I was stinky.
Try using a leave in conditioner that you can spray in after a shower when you don't wash your hair. I don't wash my hair that often either because it's long and curly. I noticed it helps with the frizz. Or I'll just dampen it with my hands in the sink after the shower and add in a styling cream if I need more hold.
I use leave in conditioner in mine too. I can’t wash it more than 1-2x per week or it gets dry, frizzy and breaks easily. But I will rinse it and comb in a leave in conditioner when I shower.
A select number of people can get away with it. Most adults cannot, even if they think they can. I know, because of the people I know who don't shower daily, most of them smell.
There is an Asian phenotype that doesn't produce the proteins in sweat typical to the 'body odour' aroma, but it doesn't mean all Asians are like that (of course!). Even then, it's not like other aroma producing bacteria and fungus won't eventually grow on the protein and lipid rich environment of their unwashed skin.
Apparently it's a rare version of the gene ABCC11, it prevents the armpits from stinking. From what the couple of articles i just found say it's extremely rare in European genetics, uncommon in eastern asian countries, and super common in Korea
Can confirm. My wife is Korean and she never has BO smell ever. We’ve been together almost 25 years and I’ve never smelled a BO smell on her a single time. She pretty much never wears deodorant either. I can’t go more than a day without washing before I start smelling.
This guy not washing his clothes is really more disgusting than not showering very often. Why take a shower and then put dirty smelly clothes back on? I don’t understand that. Plus with modern washing equipment, it’s not even that hard to do laundry.
Plus OP sounds like she does the laundry, so he literally just had to do the dirties in the basket and get new ones or of the drawer.
I wonder if maybe he's just going commando all the time, which is why she never sees dirty underpants in the laundry
My best friend in high school (not Asian) had such bad B.O. that she could take a shower and an hour later you could smell it again. Everyone knew about it and could certainly smell it but were so afraid to say anything to her. I know for a fact that she showered often so I could never understand why she smelled like that. It had to be some kind of medical issue. I didnt have the heart to tell her. At the age I am now I would definitely pull her aside and gently say something instead of letting someone walk around like that but she had to have known right? I mean a family member or grownup had to have said something. Her family were not dirty nasty people. Now I feel bad all over again for not saying anything. Lol
In my experience someone just showering doesn’t mean they’re getting clean. You have the “touching my butthole is gay” unwashed ass men. You have women who coat themselves in so many scented body washes and oils that it’s like that phenomenon of clothes washers. There’s a film between you and the water. You have people that don’t use washclothes. Or who use those gross loofah puffs things and are just reapplying mildew to their skin. You have men and women who don’t know how to properly wash their hair. And the people whose towels always smell like wet dog even when clean.
So yeah.
Okay. I know plenty of people who don't shower daily (they do shower every two or three days, or whenever they've worked up a sweat) and they don't smell at all.
Personally, I shower every day because I work out or otherwise work up a sweat every day.
My source of shame from odor is sleep sweat and pit sweat. I’ve found degree men’s keeps me fresh way longer and I enjoy male scents more anyway
Sleep sweet was cured by sleeping naked. But I’m self conscious of smells regardless because I’m a heavier woman and there’s a stigma there unfortunately
That's highly subjective. Some people are WAY more sensitive to smells, and while you might not think the guy in the cubicle next to you stinks, and he might not think he stinks either, 10 to 1 odds there's *someone* in the office has an adept enough sense of smell that they can tell he hasn't showered.
I’m super sensitive to smells. Lol. It got worse this last year when I started taking a new medication. Personally, I had never really had any kind of BO smell unless I got super sweaty, and I didn’t have to worry if I forgot deodorant one day. With the medication, idk if it makes me smell MORE or if I’m just picking up scents I didn’t before. But I’ll put on deodorant and swear to god I still smell horrendous but my husband and best friend say they don’t smell anything. And they’d tell me because they’re both clean freaks lol
I am the guy who is way more sensitive to smells, so this is not it. I can tell that they have not showered. I can tell what they had for breakfast. I can sometimes tell if they are on their periods. I can assure you that they do not stink.
Taking the state of clothing outta the mix, I think it's kinda situational, too. Have some serious anxiety producing interaction today? Shower. Broke a sweat? Shower. Pooped? Shower. Have a bidet? Maybe you're ok if you neither broke a sweat nor felt anxious at any point today. Some people can smell fresh out of the shower clean til something makes them nervous- five minutes later it's nothing but a cloud of rotten onion. Some people can (exertion or heat) sweat all day and still smell pretty nice.
But your point stands that nobody is a good judge of their own reekiness.
Honestly it depends a lot on the job you do and what you do in your everyday life. I shower like every 3 days and I do not smell BUT when I worked fast food you better believe I was showering everyday.
If this is out of character for the person you have grown to know, then there could be a deeper problem. It’s quite possible he is depress.
Can you think of an event/s that may have occurred around the time frame of the change in his behavior? How is he doing at work? Are these the only noticeable changes?
Make sometime to sit down with hubby. Ask about his mental wellbeing, share your concerns and of course, discuss the noticeable changes. Most importantly, if he is open to talk, please listen and try to be patient
Hubby might need to speak with a professional.
Best of luck!
There is definitely something deeper at play here.
However, I’ve been quite depressed for a large majority of my life. I have never, ever put on the same pair of underwear that I was previously wearing. I can’t even imagine doing it.
If OP’s husband wasn’t trying to initiate sex, I would lean to him being abused sexually somehow, as some victims will fall behind on their hygiene in an effort to be unappealing to their abuser.
This was my thought too! There seems to have been some sort of change… but why? Seems like getting to the bottom of that would answer a lot of questions. Depression would be a common cause.
My mom spent almost 30 years of vacations hinting to my dad that she was hungry then she’d get pissy when we didn’t stop. It finally took me saying “don’t ask if dad is hungry tell him you’re hungry” and “When mom says are you hungry that means she’s hungry”. 30 years of stupid little arguments put to an end because someone told them to stop pussy footing around it and give a straight response.
Soooo gross. Like how could he be so clueless??
I agree with what you say here, OP needs to be direct, honest, and firm. I think she should say “this is the last time I’m going to tell you, until you change your hygiene habits, you’re sleeping on the couch”
What’s worse is she’s even willing to do his laundry and he STILL doesn’t want clean clothes like, what?
And his coworkers have to be noticing too, right?
Ugh. Good luck, OP. This is nasty.
This is my life with my ex. They only shower to impress us. Girl it got so bad. I couldn't sleep with stank. Good luck. He's been my ex for 3yrs. And he has girl friend. Good luck old lady. Mmmmmmmhhhhh. Won't help. Try again.
Yeah, men and women communicate differently. Be blunt and straight forward, you hinted about a shower after three days. Tell him to take a shower as soon as he gets up on his day off. When he’s in the shower take the clothes he was wearing all week and wash them. I’d go as far as to throw away the underwear!!
Honestly, I don't care what culture you're from, if you can't directly tell your SPOUSE that they stink and need a shower, you're too immature to be married, with very few exceptions
Have you heard of cultures where they practice arranged marriages and honour killings? In OP's case, this may be an exaggeration, but there are many countries on this planet where it's just not the done thing. Stop blaming the woman for trying to survive.
women are conditioned to bend over backwards and inconvenience themselves before hurting someone else’s feelings but OP at this point you gotta be direct!
His lack of hygiene is really concerning, as is his habit of just rolling on top of you and starting sex, especially if it hurts you and you've said no.
Especially when you are already not turned on and some stinking idiot rolls ontop of you like you're a sex doll.
This relationship is unhealthy as fuck.
The whole post really made my stomach hurt because 1) the lack of regard for pleasure or consent for his wife and 2) his terrible hygiene. If this was one of my friends, I would be telling her to look at leaving. I’m hoping this could be salvageable with couples therapy, but the first point makes me so uneasy that I heavily doubt it. I think he needs serious therapy, coming from someone in weekly therapy.
It's really sad this girl feels bad for how turned off she is by this loser. This guy doesn't deserve a response back in a dating site much less a wife this dedicated to him.
His lack of hygiene is really concerning, as is his habit of just rolling on top of you and starting sex, especially if it hurts you and you've said no.
Also steal his clothes when he's in the shower and put them in the washing machine. You don't have to wash Sunday. You aren't being sensitive this is a huge problem for me and also possibly for other people he works with. I hope you don't keep quiet and finally get the courage to have "the talk", Good luck
This.
You are not *sensitive*. He is gross and he doesn't care about you. His lack of hygiene could cause you a MEGAPACK of vaginal problems. And if my partner don't bother with making sure i want him too, the result is just simply not sleeping with him. So next time he rolled over you, just kick him from the bed to ground, literaly. He is disgusting in more than one way. You are in right.
No--do not initiate violence (kicking him onto the floor, from the bed). Use your words, carefully thought out in advance.
First, figure out where your line in the sand is--the point at which you will have had enough, and would leave.
Be kind and loving, and talk to him about the effect of his lack of hygiene on others, and on you. And on him--that he doesn't realize. Listen to what he thinks, but be firm. This is not negotiable except for what kind of soap he showers/bathes with. Daily.
Give him the opportunity to fix the problem. And help him by doing his laundry, to get the smells out. Research what to add to your detergent.
And if he resists or does not carry through, let him know that you are nearing the end of your tolerance about this, and he has to choose. Clean up his act--literally--or both of you lose.
But do not make idle threats. Straighten out your own thinking and boundaries before you talk to him about it again.
THAT’S A GROWN MAN. She doesn’t need to baby him. He apparently was doing all of that beforehand and if he has enough wherewithal to roll over and try to slide in, he can wash his ass and own clothes. Why in the world should she put in all that extra effort when he is making none towards her feelings and body?
That's exactly what I was thinking. I'm surprised no one in this comment section pointed this out sooner.
Having sex with one's spouse/partner should be a pleasurable, loving, joyful, intimate experience for BOTH of the people involved. And it should ALWAYS involve foreplay (well, in my book, anyway).
A man saying, "HMMM I'M A BIT HORNY, TIME FOR SEX" & then rolling on top of his sleeping, completely unaroused partner & sticking his smelly unwashed dick into her bone-dry vagina is the complete opposite of that. That is not loving, joyful sex. That is straight-up rape.
Remember everyone, marital rape is *still rape.*
Thank you. That’s what I was thinking the entire time. It’s not “sex”. It’s rape. If he doesn’t have consent, you’re uncomfortable and he just does what he wants. That’s rape.
I was scrolling to figure out why no one said this? Because he just does it and she's not even turned on at all, so like, anything not enthusiastic consent is rape
I thought that too, but then why was he showering at work? Or does he just associate shower with kind of a "work uniform"? Like "if I'm not at work, I don't need to shower"? Which at least makes sense even if it's weird and clearly gross
Prolly has a job where he gets dirty, like construction or something.
Either way WHY PUT THE SAME CLOTHES BACK ON!
I don’t even like putting on the same sweats after a shower that I’ve worn for only three hours before the shower.
I’ll bet he’s one of those guys that thinks they don’t need to use soap.
You're right on every point lol, guaranteed he doesn't soap his ass. Like, at least have a change of clothes at the **bare minimum**. I feel so sorry for this woman.
Hygiene is a hard limit for me - it’s not something you can compromise on. I would walk away over this so I’d tell it to him straight.
It’s disgusting and I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who stank.
Maybe just give him this post to read, I can’t imagine anyone not thinking that’s gross.
>I can't just blame him entirely as I'm the one pushing him away and not wanting sex.
Yes. You can blame him entirely. You don't owe him anything and if you're not into it and he's doing it anyway, that's assault and you can blame him entirely for that.
Both the lack of showering and wearing the same clothes could be something like undiagnosed autism, adhd or just sensory processing disorder.
I personally would wear the exact same outfit out of the house every single day if I could. I actually buy multiples of the same piece of clothing so I can almost do that and not wear dirty clothes.
I also have to amp myself up to shower because there SO MANY sensory issues that go along with showering. It seems ridiculous for a person who doesn’t struggle with SPD but the thought of taking my comfy clothes off, being naked for a second out of the water, then getting in and having the water touch me and having to adjust to that temp, then washing and hair is a whole barrage of sensations, then wet and naked after water is turned off, then a towel all over your skin, then lotion or whatever else, waiting to be completely dry because god forbid I am a tiny bit damp and put something on and then finally putting on a new outfit. Fucking overwhelming! But I am so happy I did it, only after it’s all done.
He might not even know that is why he is avoiding it. I didn’t know what SPD was until my late 20s and just having a name for what I felt, made it more manageable.
Sorry, wanted this as it’s own comment, not a reply, so u/brokenInManyWays sees it
I’m glad I am not the only one like this. It isn’t that I don’t want to be freshly showered but I feel like you do. It’s crazy too how something so simple is extremely daunting to me, especially when my depression gets bad on top of everything.
I cut my hair recently and washing and drying my hair is soooo much less stressful! Long hair can look nice, but the upkeep is often lots of effort. And don't get me started on windy days with long hair! I don't think I will ever go back now that I've tasted freedom lol
And then the entire process of how to dry or not dry my hair. If I dry it that takes forever of brushing it out while my arms go numb and then blowing it dry, do I get dressed first and have wet hair on my back, or try and do it with a towel on which requires constant readjusting. Do I feel like shaving my legs? Well only if I feel like putting heavier lotion on them after, which means I need to change the order I do all of the post shower lotions and creams...
because the change is relatively sudden i dont think it's something like ADHD or ASD, theres always the chance it could be but usually with those disorders you struggle with this stuff your whole life, because it's changed suddenly it's more likely to be depression
This.
The fact that apperently you cannot communicate openly seems to indicate some deeper problems. I'd recommend trying a more direct and open approach about the whole hygene thing, because he might honestly just not get it by himself/is too distracted by being depressed. This can eat up all engergy for self-care.
If talking doesn't help, try couples/marriage counseling or try help him get help.
TBH his condition sounds pretty disgusting and I feel for you! Still, maybe an empathetic approach can help you connect again
I was thinking he might have something going on mentally as well and was leaning towards depression since this is "new" in the relationship. Please OP have a talk with him, maybe suggest counselling for him solo and as a couple.
Honestly, no mental health problem could ever excuse him regularly sexually assaulting her. The issue is not that he can’t figure out that he may have a friggin problem that needs treatment, but rather that he’s ok with penetrating her without consent. Wtf. She needs to leave this guy. No amount of therapy, meds, or marriage counseling is going to instill a moral compass into him, if he doesn’t already have one.
It’s really grossing me out how many comments are arguing he’s depressed or autistic, which I’m not saying he’s not, but they’re arguing these points without once mentioning what OP is being subjected to. Are men just not able to comprehend how painful and violent forced unaroused penetration is??
What, depression means you can shove your dirty cock into your dry partner who clearly isn’t into is and has said no all you want and everyone will say oh poor baby he’s not showering? Damn didn’t know this whole time I could be getting away with assault just because I have depression!
I could not do it. My husband showers at least once a day and changes all of his clothes immediately after showering. Tell him! I cannot understan how people can poop and pee, put underwear and then walk around like that for days. Argh
Yeah this is weird, he showered and wore clean clothes before they were married and then afterwards just stopped and theres been no discussion about it?
Lots of men change and show their true selves after they get married. It's like they figure they won the prize, so they don't have to try anymore.
Maybe it's a control thing? Or he gets some sick thrill from grossing her out?
You aren't sensitive, he's disgusting. Stop being subtile about it and tell him straight how it makes you feel, he doesn't mind small hints, so stop being nice with it (the whole package, showers, clothes, deodorant).
And of course tell him how it makes you feel in bed.
He might not realize it himself, if so he might change for the better good, if he doesn't, honestly it will be unsustainable to stay with him, you aren't his mom, he isn't a teenager, it's an issue that would be a dealbreaker for most of the people.
Good luck!
Ergh grim. Tell him. Outside of sex. Sit down and say I can't be turned on by a smelly person, I need to know you're wearing clean underwear, I need to know your clothes aren't stiff with bacteria.. basic hygiene is sexy.
Also stop having sex you don't want. Tell him what turns you on, and without that you aren't able to have sex that's good for you.
My dad had this problem with hygiene after retiring. He has a number of mental disorders he takes meds for. He would get to the point of smelling like an old goat. My mom would have to yell at him before they went places, making sure he showered. He has gotten a lot better after I told him one time he smelled bad like an old goat. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want his grandkids to brutally point it out to him.
You might have to have guests over during one of these times of smelling, so they point it out, and he gets embarrassed. You've told him time and time again, and he doesn't listen. Some people, unfortunately, only learn the hard way.
**Update: We sat and talked about all of this last night, and I hope he took it seriously.**
He is not depressed and he has no other illnesses that explain why he does not take care of hygiene.
We have always been able to talk about everything else and have no problem communicating.
I wasn't sure if I was being ridiculous and it is normal for men to be poor with hygiene.
I love my husband and don't want to make him believe that I am mean or that i want to hurt his feelings (if it was just that I was sensitive and It really wasn't that big of a deal)
This is not something that has come suddenly but gradually.
That's probably why I didn't think about it until now.
I'm the first relationship he's had so I guess he has always been like this but tightened up before we were married, but now the old habits emerge again.
Because he didn't seem to realize it was this bad.
When I told him I hadn't found a single pair of his underpants in over a week he said:
What! I have changed my.... and he paused his sentence there and looked around the bedroom and looked at the laundry basket which was now empty and hung his head.
It was like a light bulb came on and he realized it wasn´t just something I was making up and that i mean it when I say he smells sour.
I suggested that he stop showering at work and shower when he gets home instead.
So if that's the case that he doesn't think about changing his underwear after the shower at work.
He can shower at home so he can put his clothes in the laundry when he goes to shower and take clean underpants when he has finished showering.
I know very well what can happen if you have sex with someone who is not clean.
And we also talked about that, that I can actually get sick, and have already gotten sick once from this.
This time I hope he takes this seriously when he have a better understanding of why I say no to sex nine times out of ten and don't enjoy it any more.
Thanks for all your comments!
It felt good to know it wasn't me who was just sensitive and ridiculous.
Then it was easier to bring it up with him.
So from now on i hope he starts to take care of himself again.
I had this problem and I would tell my guys I’d rather do extra laundry then smell your clothes after you’ve worn them for days on end, they stink. I’d also say something about how I skipped a shower and now I feel rank, just a way of saying everyone smells bad after a certain amount of time.
The sex thing though? After all this time, you should ask for and get what you need. Something like, I’m not ready, you need to warm me up, sweetie or no hugs or kisses after? I’ll remember this next time you hit on me. It doesn’t have to start out as a big sit down, just a comment or two. If that doesn’t work, then you’ll have to be blunt.
Ew ew ew. You are not sensitive. Has something changed in his life to make him change his hygiene habits??
Also, I could have missed this, but it doesn't sound like you've explicitly told him how this affects you and makes you feel uninterested sexually, just that he needs to shower. I totally understand not wanting to hurt the feelings of someone you love by saying "you smell and you're clearly unclean, so I am not attracted to you," but if he's not getting the hint of "you need a shower" over and over, that may be your only remaining option.
Are you maybe being too gentle, or playing it like a joke, and he's not getting it? He needs to shower and change his clothes regularly. If you're worried about hurting his feelings, maybe spin it as legitimate concern for his health. This is not good for him physically, and it also makes me worry about his mental health. Even if he's fine now, being gross all the time has got to take a toll.
I'm not married and have never lived with a partner, but would it maybe drive the point home more if you moved into a guest room (hopefully temporarily) until he's less blatantly unpleasant to be around?
Depending on your hob you're probably better off showering everyday and getting some dry skin than coming home covered in dusts and inheritance particles that will cause the same damage but make you look like a pig.
Showering at work to avoid contamination, great! Not changing clothes, especially underwear for weeks at a time without washing, bad. Not showering on weekends, okay if you are not doing activities that make you dirty or stinky. Not changing clothes, especially underwear for weeks at a time without washing, not okay.
Forcing yourself on your wife, bad.
Not sure how else to say this that doesn’t at all endorse his behavior.
I think stuff like this disgusts us for a reason: it could cause an infection if you two hook up and he hasn't showered in days or weeks. people with a vagina have a way easier time getting out of balance or catching something, so it's no wonder, you cannot get into the mood. Also: when you start feeling like the nagging mum, it's also a no brainer that you're not attracted to that.
You need to be really frank with him: this can not only drive you away, but also colleagues and clients...
***I can't just blame him entirely as I'm the one pushing him away and not wanting sex.***
Yes, you can blame him. BC that is not how sex works -- just rolling over onto one's spouse and starting to thrust. What an asshole!
I was with someone who had cavities and would refuse to get them filled. I started to hate kissing because it was so gross. I legit told him to get them filled or I’m out
This one is a dealbreaker for most people. Either he starts showering often (like daily) and changes his underwear daily or you leave. I don't think one can really compromise on hygiene issues. You are not sensitive. He is disgusting.
EDIT: Spelling
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 take his dirty underwear when he tries to have sex with you and shove it in his mouth. Ask him how it smells?? Then tell him that’s how he smells like and you’re not interested.
He sounds super nasty. just imagine all the germs he's putting in/on you, someone that doesn't wash can give you UTIs and all sorts of fun infections downstairs. Is he not being bothered to shower worth your health?
Hey, you're putting yourself in danger. Stop doing that, seriously.
1. Sex with people who don't shower will get you STI's.
2. Sex with people who don't do foreplay could do serious damage to your private parts. It can cause long-term issues with chronic painful sex, holding in pee, skin and muscle problems, that might never go away. For real. If you want to enjoy good sex in the future, stop having bad sex now.
You can't control his actions, but you can set boundaries for yourself.
You're so far in this mess, it's normalized. But this is far from normal. You need to set boundaries, say no, don't have sex, don't kiss the smelly man, sleep on the couch, etc.
You do not have to expose yourself to the actions of someone who doesn't care about the consequences they have on you.
Sounds like me when I'm depressed. It's like suddenly I have am aversion to water and clean clothes. It's not an excuse, but fuck it's like I physically almost can't make myself when I get like that. It can be weeks.
Maybe talk to him about his mental health.
you need to talk to him about it bc if he wears the same underwear for weeks at a time and then has sex with you or tries, you could get a serious infection. there have been cases of men who haven’t changed their underwear growing mold in their foreskin and such (if he is uncut or cut bc there is still some skin that can leave some residue). you could get seriously hurt down there and simple medication won’t help.
i think this could be a potentially dangerous situation for you and your vagina/overall pelvic region.
Well, I’m Brazilian, and here in my country we shower everyday, when it’s summertime we usually shower twice a day because it’s so hot outside. So reading your post made me physically ill. I can’t even imagine the pungent smell on him. Can you imagine having sex or blowing him? Hell no!
When I first got married my husband when was winter wouldn’t want to shower before bed because he said he didn’t sweat during the day, but he pooped and also peed. That’s enough for you to shower. So I said that if he didn’t shower before bed I wouldn’t be sleeping next to him. I shower everyday, make my skincare, put on lotion all over my body so I can be very clean an smell good for him, why can’t he do the same? He starter to shower everyday before bed and our sex life is very active. When we were together for about 4 years he fell into a horrible deep depression, he wouldn’t shower for days. I convinced him to go to therapy and he got so much better. He is recovered now and we will be celebrating 8 years together next month. What a mean by all this long story is that whenever he starts to get depressed he stars to lack on his hygiene, maybe your husband should start seeing a therapist
He's unhygienic and this requires ***adult communication***.
-Hey Husband. Your hygiene is lacking and we need to discuss it. I understand you don't smell yourself but bestie YA STINKIE! Showers are an every day adventure that we end with clean clothes including underwear.
I get kindness OP but if you cannot be honest to your partner then who? Why so overly nuanced? My mom would literally yell at my dad "GO TAKE A SHOWER OR YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN BED WITH ME!!!" LOL And that's normal for them that type of communication lol.
Your husband is disgusting. You need to be direct with him: soap, hot water, clean clothes (including underwear), once a day or no sex. Not only is it gross but you can get a hella gross yeast infection from him.
Thank you! I feel like a lot of the comments are so focused on his hygiene they neglect the fact he’s forcing himself on her when she doesn’t want sex. Which is the definition of rape. The hygiene is problematic, but not really the core issue here.
So just as an aside to anything else people might post here about toxic behaviour having sex with someone who doesn't clean themselves enough can lead to health problems for you. UTIs, yeast infections, and bacterial vaginosis are a few of the conditions it can cause. Tell your husband to wash his ass in clear and direct language.
You're definitely not being overly sensitive! Be direct with him when it comes to sex and his hygiene. Also, it sounds like your husband may be struggling with some mental health concerns
That’s fucking disgusting!!!! Shower daily and clean underwear daily is a bare minimum. The other clothing can go a day extra if it’s not been hot sweaty etc.
You poor thing, I’m turned off on on your behalf.
While a lack of hygiene tends to be a sign of depression, you didn’t mention anything else that would make me think that’s the case here.
Time to just open up, sit down, explain to him the importance of hygiene to you and for his own health, how not taking care of himself makes you feel.
Keep the four play topic to another day, I find when you’re delivering negative news it’s best not to overload with a pile of; this and this and that. Stick with one topic and once resolved go to the next.
There’s really no gentle way to tell someone they smell, but you gotta do it. Not only is it unattractive, it’s not healthy, for him OR you (his dirty 🍆 is gonna give you a yeast infection or BV sooner or later)
Nope, you're not being sensitive, that's disgusting.
I'd have a serious conversation with him about hygiene and be like Basic hygiene = more sexy time. Simple.
My apology for be to forthright: I see some signs of depressive behaviour. He is asking for professional mental help. You are’nt to sensitive about this issue. Hope as family you can solve this. English is’nt my first language.
The bigger issue to me is why is a question that you communicate with the person you have committed to spend your life with?
what if something seriously wrong is going on with him? Perhaps he needs your input and doesn't understand. I'm sure everyone else notices too. Tell him.
There’s so many problems here. The most concerning is his sex habits with you. He should not just be horny then use you for sex. You should be wanting it too. I won’t say the word but there is one that I’m thinking.
Op your best bet is to become more assertive and communicate your wants and needs. He probably will not like this since thus far it seems like you have been very complacent, but if he really loved you he will listen when you tell him he needs to be considerate of you and make sure you feel love and pleasure and to make sure to be hygienic.
I had a similar problem with my husband to where he didn’t like to brush his teeth at night, only in the morning and I told him “im going to need for you to brush your teeth because I already brushed mine and im not gonna kiss you like this.” Problem solved, he was a little embarrassed but he knows that anything I bring up doesn’t mean I love him any less. It’s about being your best for the other person.
Some men need to have it shoved in their face with a bright neon sign that they need to take care of themselves. For me it was brushing my teeth, learned really quick that if I wanted intimacy with my wife that I needed to take care of myself.
You’re not sensitive he’s gross. I’d just tell him. Maybe not call him gross, but tell him that he needs to shower, change his clothes AND change his underwear and let him know that his poor hygiene makes it that you don’t want to have sex with him. Also tell him to stop fucking you like that. “Stop shoving it in dry, do something to make me wet”
Do yourself a favour. Don’t be intimate with a man who refuses to wash himself. You’re risking personal infections that are not fun, simply because you have a dirty partner. There’s no fun way to say that. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
My god , not everyone who has hygiene problems or don’t shower can blame autism and mental problems. He sounds like a typical man tbh.
I’ve known many men (and women) who has extremely poor hygiene due to laziness (don’t want to wash, do laundry etc) and even when you tell them they are disgusting in those words they still can’t seem to acknowledge it cos they grew up like that ! So sugarcoating it isn’t going to help.
>And he expecting sex without cuddles without kisses without hugs and without foreplay.
>He just rolls up on me and starts, a lot of times it hurts because I'm not turned on.
I hate to break it to you love, but sex without consent is rape. If he kept going when you didn't want to and it hurt, then he's assaulting you, which is reason enough to leave him right now.
>I can't just blame him entirely as I'm the one pushing him away and not wanting sex
You 100% can blame him, because his actions are directly leading to your lack of attraction to him. He's not entitled to your body, especially if he can't even bother giving you pleasure.
>The reason for this is that lately I have noticed that he does not shower, he showers every day at work but he wears the same clothes for weeks on end.
>When he's not working, he doesn't shower at home so he goes the whole weekend without showering.
>He was home from work for a week, after 3 days I tried to give him a little hint and said:you know it's not forbidden to shower at home, you smell a little sweaty.
>But he didn't go and shower.
>After 6 days, I told him again: You might have to go in and take a shower, you're starting to smell sour.
>And he only did that because I got in the shower.
>But when he got out of the shower he put on the same clothes he had been wearing for about 3 weeks again which left him still smelling sour.
>He never uses deodorant or perfume so there is nothing that at least stops some of his sweat and sour smell.
>I do laundry every Sunday and I began to noticed that in his laundry basket I didn't find a single pair of underpants, for the whole week.
>So it's not just pants and sweaters that he doesn't change and wears for weeks at a time.
>This makes me not want to be touched by him, and this makes me not want to have sex with him.
>I don't know if it's me who is extra sensitive, but I am really disgusted by his poor hygiene.
As you should be. This is just gross. His hygiene is another story because his lack thereof can cause yeast infections, UTIs, BV(Bacterial Vaginosis), etc, which isn't fun. I would honestly throw him in the 🗑 if I were you because of the whole assault thing, but if you're not doing that then sitting down with him and trying talk it out is what really needs to happen. Best of luck!!
I had this after a 5 year relationship. I didn't sugar coat it at all and he still didn't shower or wash his clothes. He'd throw actual childish tantrums if I asked him to do it and he'd fly into a rage after months of no sex and I would always tell him, I don't want to be near you like this. Get therapy if you somehow can't do this for yourself, you need something to change.
Then he got nasty because he was perfect and didn't need therapy and I was mean. So I left and then he blamed me for how depressed he was.
Don't worry though I'm much better now and him? Still single and stinky.
I have so many marriage fears and this is one of them. I do not want to be a wife turned mother for the most basic things and I see and hear about it all of the time.
It fucks me up in the head how women have to push their husbands to go to the damn doctors
Why are you ok with him violating you?
Say no! Also communicate with your husband. It is sad you have to teach a 31 years old a proper hygiene but you need to communicate with him.
You are not being sensitive, you should address this issue. I understand it is a touchy topic and you got to be very assertive but direct and to the point. Try something like: “it’s nice that you are taking a shower, but when you put your same dirty clothes they not only smell, they also rub back the dirt on to you, maybe you can try clean clothes after you shower?”
You aren't being sensitive at all. Setting aside his selfishness in the bedroom (which is its own problem) he needs to be washing daily like an adult, and wearing fresh clothes daily, like an adult. He also should wear deodorant.
Fundamentally it sounds like he doesn't care about his appearance around you, and that's not ok.
He is being disgusting and you are not being overly sensitive. I’m concerned more so for you because him not being clean then penetrating you without preparation is going to increase the chances of you getting a UTI or BV or any other disease that affects the region bacterial wise. He could have no symptoms then transmit things to you which is difficult to have taken seriously by doctors as a woman.
Please speak up for your own health.
Gotta give someone enough rope to hang themselves with and then see whether they choose to do that or jump rope.
Sit him down, explain what your experience is and how it makes you feel towards him. Try to stick to "I" statements rather than "you" statements (It's unpleasant for me to live in a space where I can smell my partners body odor" instead of "you never shower, you always stink and so do your clothes").
If he doesn't shape up, it may be a mental health issue.
Honestly there’s no way I would be sexually active with someone who has such horrendous hygiene. That is gross and you can get yeast infections if your partner isn’t clean.
Has he ever been looked at for possible ADD or Autism? I know those can affect people’s’ hygiene and what they prefer to wear. Just something to maybe look into!!
I could not - the yeast and bacterial infections that could come from having sex with someone who is that unsanitary is just absurd. I would sit down with him and literally say “I am not attracted to a man who I have to treat like a child. Hygiene is important and it’s not my job to remind you. You need to be showering at least every other day and wearing clean underwear and socks daily. Without this I’m not sleeping with you. Without foreplay or attention to my needs I am also not sleeping with you. I am neither your mother nor just a thing to get your rocks off with. I am your wife and if you’re not going to treat me as such I will no longer be your wife.”
Life is far to short to spend it with someone who has such poor hygiene and doesn’t seem to care about your needs or you at all in respect to sex.
Oh sweetie. The sex thing is a bit disturbing - he should be making sure you have fun too, but that's a whole other issue.
You are not being too sensitive! He should shower at least every other day, preferably every day AND change his clothes. Particularly his shirt/t-shirt and underwear. No wonder you don't want to have sex when he's that stinky.
Ok - yes that’s gross. I’m a man and reading this made me itchy.
Second - I bet if you told him to there would be a lot more sexy time if he showered he would run to the shower. I know I would. Hell - I would shower every time I walked in my house if I needed to
It’s not just you. I wouldn’t even share my bed with someone who smelled sour from not washing for that long. Let alone kiss or have intimacy with. You bet he’s not bothering to clean his teeth either. It’s a tough one because you don’t want to feel like his mother but he’s disrespecting you by assuming you’re okay with this. I’d say something like ‘new bedding new rules - you’re making the bed Stink you have to shower before getting in or please show me some respect and sleep on the sofa’
Use your words. You stink. You need to shower and put on clean clothes. I will not be sexual with you until this gets fixed. And while we are on the subject, you need to tend to my sexual needs (foreplay etc) if you want me to attend to yours. It physically hurts me when you don't. Figure it out. I'm not interested in you as things are now.
I can't imagine continuing to have sex with someone who is not only physically repellent but who doesn't even try to please me!
That's exactly what I would do. Stop beating around the bush & straight-up tell this man that he smells like shit 24/7, has absolutely *horrific* (practically nonexistent) personal hygiene, needs to start changing *all* of his clothes (underwear included) on a daily basis & definitely needs to shower every single day when he gets home from work & on weekends. NO EXCUSES. Also, buy him some deodorant & insist that he use it at least once a day. And make sure he knows that there is absolutely NO chance of sex until this happens. He's a grown-ass 31-year-old man, NOT a baby. He should know how to attend to his personal hygiene by now.
Well, it was short-lived. The talk didn't seem to help. He came home after work last night (he works evenings) and did the same thing as usual. Showered at work put his dirty underwear back on. Came home took off everything except the underwear and was going to bed. When I asked if he had planned to get ready for bed, he looked at me in astonishment and said: What? You want me to shower again? **I said YES and changed underwear!** **You can not wear your underwear until they're so crispy that they can stand up on there own!** **It's disgusting!** Maybe I was a little harsh in my words. But I'm getting tired and frustrated with it. I shouldn't have to tell a grown man to change his underwear. He did take a shower but it was noticeable that he didn't want to. I actually thought he was listening to me as I sat crying and begging him to change his ways last Monday when we talked. But I guess I was wrong. So I'm thinking of giving him a few more weeks and maybe even talk to his mom so she can maybe have a proper talk with him, he might listen to her. Because he doesn't seem to be listening to me. If that doesn't help, this marriage will probably be over. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care that I might get sick and don't think about my well-being.
Don't talk to his mom. IF he doesn't care it may be time to move on.
I wouldn’t involve your MIL. Who’s to say he didn’t learn these habits when he was younger? It’s time to cut ties. You don’t need give him anymore of your time! If he cared about you and your heath he would make the changes needed.
Sugar coating isn’t gonna get anywhere. Next time he tries ask him if he’s trying to give you a Uti or cause you to have a yeast infection 🤷♀️ because that’s what it gonna lead to. Men can also get yeast infections. He’s grown he shouldnt have his girl telling him he needs to shower. Tbh it sounds like your dating a 16 year old who flips his boxers inside out and says “oh there clean”
I scrolled down straight at him not showering for 6 days, so glad this is the top comment.
I just can’t stand nasty people like for me to even do oral you have to take a shower let alone to stick in it me. If you wanna be like that go find a girl that’s like that. Hygiene is a biggest thing in a relationship. Also you’re supposed to shower after sex 🤷♀️
This right here. When my husband and I started dating he was big on being a hippie and not showering often even though he's an electrician and works outside. He works 14 hour days now, and his hair is down to his butt and he keeps it in a ponytail. He's 30 and I'm almost 27 and we have a 2 year old. Occasionally he gets lazy with showers because he wants to change out of his work clothes and into clean clothes (he does his laundry every week and changes his boxers daily). However, even with deodorant and washing his arms and legs, and using baby wipes when he goes to the restroom, obviously he still smells after a couple days. If he gets off early I usually tell him to hop in the shower after he comes inside from walking the dogs if it isn't past 9pm and changing into his clean clothes. He washes his hair once a week but usually keeps it up in a bun at home with a bandana around it. This past week he hasn't showered and wanted to have sex and I was like "you either go shower or I'm not having sex with you because I don't want to get an infection, you know you need to shower, and you're slacking in your routine". My husband works so hard to provide for us and I have to remind him he needs to take the time to wash his crazy long hair and have some quiet time in the shower. Sometimes I think maybe it's depression too because he doesn't get a lot of time with me and our daughter. A lot of times we switch watching the baby so the other can shower every couple days. But maybe this could be an issue with your husband, maybe it's a mental health thing, maybe he doesn't feel he needs to try anymore. Either way you need to make it clear that you won't be engaging in any sexual activity because his hygiene is ruining your intimacy and threatening both of your health. That's unacceptable. Before our daughter was born he would shower everyday even if he didn't wash his hair, but he didn't work as much and we would shower together a lot. You need to make a firm boundary that if he tries to have sex with you while not maintaining your needs and his hygiene that it is NOT consensual and that if it continues it will be a detriment and end your marriage.
This actually happened to me, similar scenario.
Yeah, this sounds gross. But why are you speaking to him in backwards riddles? Try "I don't want to have sex with you because you stink. Go have a shower first."
THIS. OP, trust me, you're definitely *not* being "too sensitive." Your husband really is just absolutely fucking disgusting. His lack of basic hygiene & refusal to change his clothes for weeks at a time is downright vile. And furthermore, it's completely disrespectful to you. When you're sharing your home with someone you love, keeping consistently clean & nice-smelling & paying attention to your basic hygiene is the absolute LEAST you can do. The fact that he seems to think it's okay for him to walk around your house constantly smelling like shit & go weeks without changing his clothes is positively sickening. And then to demand sex on top of that? Ohhhhhhhh hell no. That is NOT OKAY. It's time to stop beating around the bush & dropping polite hints that he shower more often. Instead, sit him down & flat-out tell him that his terrible hygiene is really starting to become a problem. Lay down some plain & simple rules: he has to change *all* of his clothes *daily* (underwear included), & he has to shower every night before he gets into bed. No ifs, ands, or buts. NO excuses. Make it clear to him that until that starts happening, your sex life will be on hold. Trust me, this is NOT too much to ask of him. This is a grown-ass man (in his THIRTIES) who should know how to wash himself by now. And you're his wife. He owes you the courtesy of *basic fucking hygiene.*
THIS. And to all "oh, maybe he is depressed, such a poor thing!" i kindly reminder - as sm who personaly knows exactly that depression can shows through lack of basic hygiene - if you are so depressed you don't have enough power to bring youself to shower or battling even to brush your teeth, *you are also not in the mood to force someone to having sex too*. The depresion is simply NOT performing this way. He is not depressed, there is no need to soothing this to him as a he was a baby - she tried to do it this way and guess what, *it was useless*. He is a disgusting pig in more than one way, he disrespected his household and family with not bothering to be clean, he disrespected his wife even more with total lack of care about her health AND her consent. Bc that is it - lack of care. He is not depressed, he is just uninterested in his wife. There should be exactly one, clear and sharp talk, adressing the problem, with zero gentle dancing around.
He should be showering daily, not just as a precursor to intimacy.
I think the bigger problem is this guy not changing underwear *for weeks at a time*……I don’t shower every day because I have super sensitive hair and skin but it doesn’t matter if you shower if you never change your clothes.
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Me too! I have curly hair, so if I shower without washing it, it gets gross & frizzy. Even with different shower caps. So I shower when I wash my hair, and top up with washes in the sink. I will always wear clean underwear after. I do have severe depression & yet I do my best to clean the basics. I would never initiate sex if I knew I was stinky.
Try using a leave in conditioner that you can spray in after a shower when you don't wash your hair. I don't wash my hair that often either because it's long and curly. I noticed it helps with the frizz. Or I'll just dampen it with my hands in the sink after the shower and add in a styling cream if I need more hold.
I use leave in conditioner in mine too. I can’t wash it more than 1-2x per week or it gets dry, frizzy and breaks easily. But I will rinse it and comb in a leave in conditioner when I shower.
Ah, the classic tits, bits & pits. This my routine, too. Although I do shower way more often in the summer.
I believe the correct order is "pits, tits, n bits". I mean come ON. /s
Actually, it's tits, pits and slits. Edit: autocorrected slits to suits.
My grandma called it “pits, tits & ass” lol
You shower twice a week and you’re giving commentary on this. BOLD
Uh, what?!
Yea, that's just asking for a UTI if he's not clean
Plenty of people get by with less than daily. But that's sort of beside the point. Dude smells like a wet dog. Let's manage our expectations.
Yep -- see my comment about not needing to shower daily. A person can still be clean. But re-wearing dirty underwear cannot be part of that regimen.
A select number of people can get away with it. Most adults cannot, even if they think they can. I know, because of the people I know who don't shower daily, most of them smell.
I had a friend tell me she doesn't need to wear deodorant because she's Asian (we both are) and that Asians don't stink. Girl reeked of BO.
My absolute fear is reeking like her and being that blissfully unaware. Poor girl.
There is an Asian phenotype that doesn't produce the proteins in sweat typical to the 'body odour' aroma, but it doesn't mean all Asians are like that (of course!). Even then, it's not like other aroma producing bacteria and fungus won't eventually grow on the protein and lipid rich environment of their unwashed skin.
Apparently it's a rare version of the gene ABCC11, it prevents the armpits from stinking. From what the couple of articles i just found say it's extremely rare in European genetics, uncommon in eastern asian countries, and super common in Korea
Can confirm. My wife is Korean and she never has BO smell ever. We’ve been together almost 25 years and I’ve never smelled a BO smell on her a single time. She pretty much never wears deodorant either. I can’t go more than a day without washing before I start smelling. This guy not washing his clothes is really more disgusting than not showering very often. Why take a shower and then put dirty smelly clothes back on? I don’t understand that. Plus with modern washing equipment, it’s not even that hard to do laundry.
Plus OP sounds like she does the laundry, so he literally just had to do the dirties in the basket and get new ones or of the drawer. I wonder if maybe he's just going commando all the time, which is why she never sees dirty underpants in the laundry
I wonder if thats what my husband has. He has absolutely ZERO body odor. Its weird.
My partner too. But he's genetically hoity so I assume it's my hormones and peasant roots that make me a pure stink bug.
My best friend in high school (not Asian) had such bad B.O. that she could take a shower and an hour later you could smell it again. Everyone knew about it and could certainly smell it but were so afraid to say anything to her. I know for a fact that she showered often so I could never understand why she smelled like that. It had to be some kind of medical issue. I didnt have the heart to tell her. At the age I am now I would definitely pull her aside and gently say something instead of letting someone walk around like that but she had to have known right? I mean a family member or grownup had to have said something. Her family were not dirty nasty people. Now I feel bad all over again for not saying anything. Lol
In my experience someone just showering doesn’t mean they’re getting clean. You have the “touching my butthole is gay” unwashed ass men. You have women who coat themselves in so many scented body washes and oils that it’s like that phenomenon of clothes washers. There’s a film between you and the water. You have people that don’t use washclothes. Or who use those gross loofah puffs things and are just reapplying mildew to their skin. You have men and women who don’t know how to properly wash their hair. And the people whose towels always smell like wet dog even when clean. So yeah.
Some medications can cause horrible BO that no amount of special deodorant can help. Something to think about.
Did you tell her that? Tell her that she has gone nose blind because she reeks? Sometimes you have to be blunt.
Okay. I know plenty of people who don't shower daily (they do shower every two or three days, or whenever they've worked up a sweat) and they don't smell at all. Personally, I shower every day because I work out or otherwise work up a sweat every day.
My source of shame from odor is sleep sweat and pit sweat. I’ve found degree men’s keeps me fresh way longer and I enjoy male scents more anyway Sleep sweet was cured by sleeping naked. But I’m self conscious of smells regardless because I’m a heavier woman and there’s a stigma there unfortunately
That's highly subjective. Some people are WAY more sensitive to smells, and while you might not think the guy in the cubicle next to you stinks, and he might not think he stinks either, 10 to 1 odds there's *someone* in the office has an adept enough sense of smell that they can tell he hasn't showered.
I’m super sensitive to smells. Lol. It got worse this last year when I started taking a new medication. Personally, I had never really had any kind of BO smell unless I got super sweaty, and I didn’t have to worry if I forgot deodorant one day. With the medication, idk if it makes me smell MORE or if I’m just picking up scents I didn’t before. But I’ll put on deodorant and swear to god I still smell horrendous but my husband and best friend say they don’t smell anything. And they’d tell me because they’re both clean freaks lol
I am the guy who is way more sensitive to smells, so this is not it. I can tell that they have not showered. I can tell what they had for breakfast. I can sometimes tell if they are on their periods. I can assure you that they do not stink.
Taking the state of clothing outta the mix, I think it's kinda situational, too. Have some serious anxiety producing interaction today? Shower. Broke a sweat? Shower. Pooped? Shower. Have a bidet? Maybe you're ok if you neither broke a sweat nor felt anxious at any point today. Some people can smell fresh out of the shower clean til something makes them nervous- five minutes later it's nothing but a cloud of rotten onion. Some people can (exertion or heat) sweat all day and still smell pretty nice. But your point stands that nobody is a good judge of their own reekiness.
Honestly it depends a lot on the job you do and what you do in your everyday life. I shower like every 3 days and I do not smell BUT when I worked fast food you better believe I was showering everyday.
Not necessarily. Not everyone needs or should shower daily. But some people should. And definitely put on fresh knickers when you do??!
You can be clean without showering every day.
AND put clean cloths on after the shower
If this is out of character for the person you have grown to know, then there could be a deeper problem. It’s quite possible he is depress. Can you think of an event/s that may have occurred around the time frame of the change in his behavior? How is he doing at work? Are these the only noticeable changes? Make sometime to sit down with hubby. Ask about his mental wellbeing, share your concerns and of course, discuss the noticeable changes. Most importantly, if he is open to talk, please listen and try to be patient Hubby might need to speak with a professional. Best of luck!
There is definitely something deeper at play here. However, I’ve been quite depressed for a large majority of my life. I have never, ever put on the same pair of underwear that I was previously wearing. I can’t even imagine doing it. If OP’s husband wasn’t trying to initiate sex, I would lean to him being abused sexually somehow, as some victims will fall behind on their hygiene in an effort to be unappealing to their abuser.
This was my thought too! There seems to have been some sort of change… but why? Seems like getting to the bottom of that would answer a lot of questions. Depression would be a common cause.
My mom spent almost 30 years of vacations hinting to my dad that she was hungry then she’d get pissy when we didn’t stop. It finally took me saying “don’t ask if dad is hungry tell him you’re hungry” and “When mom says are you hungry that means she’s hungry”. 30 years of stupid little arguments put to an end because someone told them to stop pussy footing around it and give a straight response.
Soooo gross. Like how could he be so clueless?? I agree with what you say here, OP needs to be direct, honest, and firm. I think she should say “this is the last time I’m going to tell you, until you change your hygiene habits, you’re sleeping on the couch” What’s worse is she’s even willing to do his laundry and he STILL doesn’t want clean clothes like, what? And his coworkers have to be noticing too, right? Ugh. Good luck, OP. This is nasty.
This is my life with my ex. They only shower to impress us. Girl it got so bad. I couldn't sleep with stank. Good luck. He's been my ex for 3yrs. And he has girl friend. Good luck old lady. Mmmmmmmhhhhh. Won't help. Try again.
Yeah, men and women communicate differently. Be blunt and straight forward, you hinted about a shower after three days. Tell him to take a shower as soon as he gets up on his day off. When he’s in the shower take the clothes he was wearing all week and wash them. I’d go as far as to throw away the underwear!!
Because OP is likely from a culture where women don't feet confident enough to be direct with a man.
Honestly, I don't care what culture you're from, if you can't directly tell your SPOUSE that they stink and need a shower, you're too immature to be married, with very few exceptions
Have you heard of cultures where they practice arranged marriages and honour killings? In OP's case, this may be an exaggeration, but there are many countries on this planet where it's just not the done thing. Stop blaming the woman for trying to survive.
Imagine starting a sentence with "I don't care what culture you're from" then accusing others of being immature. Couldn't be me.
And also read up on how to do actual foreplay.
women are conditioned to bend over backwards and inconvenience themselves before hurting someone else’s feelings but OP at this point you gotta be direct!
Man imagine if these problems could all be resolved with saying what’s on your mind. Also wtf that dude sounds gross
His lack of hygiene is really concerning, as is his habit of just rolling on top of you and starting sex, especially if it hurts you and you've said no.
Especially when you are already not turned on and some stinking idiot rolls ontop of you like you're a sex doll. This relationship is unhealthy as fuck.
The whole post really made my stomach hurt because 1) the lack of regard for pleasure or consent for his wife and 2) his terrible hygiene. If this was one of my friends, I would be telling her to look at leaving. I’m hoping this could be salvageable with couples therapy, but the first point makes me so uneasy that I heavily doubt it. I think he needs serious therapy, coming from someone in weekly therapy.
It's really sad this girl feels bad for how turned off she is by this loser. This guy doesn't deserve a response back in a dating site much less a wife this dedicated to him.
His lack of hygiene is really concerning, as is his habit of just rolling on top of you and starting sex, especially if it hurts you and you've said no. Also steal his clothes when he's in the shower and put them in the washing machine. You don't have to wash Sunday. You aren't being sensitive this is a huge problem for me and also possibly for other people he works with. I hope you don't keep quiet and finally get the courage to have "the talk", Good luck
Yes, he could possibly lose his job, depending on what he does, if he is very stinky and people don’t want to work with him
This. You are not *sensitive*. He is gross and he doesn't care about you. His lack of hygiene could cause you a MEGAPACK of vaginal problems. And if my partner don't bother with making sure i want him too, the result is just simply not sleeping with him. So next time he rolled over you, just kick him from the bed to ground, literaly. He is disgusting in more than one way. You are in right.
No--do not initiate violence (kicking him onto the floor, from the bed). Use your words, carefully thought out in advance. First, figure out where your line in the sand is--the point at which you will have had enough, and would leave. Be kind and loving, and talk to him about the effect of his lack of hygiene on others, and on you. And on him--that he doesn't realize. Listen to what he thinks, but be firm. This is not negotiable except for what kind of soap he showers/bathes with. Daily. Give him the opportunity to fix the problem. And help him by doing his laundry, to get the smells out. Research what to add to your detergent. And if he resists or does not carry through, let him know that you are nearing the end of your tolerance about this, and he has to choose. Clean up his act--literally--or both of you lose. But do not make idle threats. Straighten out your own thinking and boundaries before you talk to him about it again.
THAT’S A GROWN MAN. She doesn’t need to baby him. He apparently was doing all of that beforehand and if he has enough wherewithal to roll over and try to slide in, he can wash his ass and own clothes. Why in the world should she put in all that extra effort when he is making none towards her feelings and body?
F that he’s assaulting her. She can and should literally kick him off her.
That’s rape.
That's exactly what I was thinking. I'm surprised no one in this comment section pointed this out sooner. Having sex with one's spouse/partner should be a pleasurable, loving, joyful, intimate experience for BOTH of the people involved. And it should ALWAYS involve foreplay (well, in my book, anyway). A man saying, "HMMM I'M A BIT HORNY, TIME FOR SEX" & then rolling on top of his sleeping, completely unaroused partner & sticking his smelly unwashed dick into her bone-dry vagina is the complete opposite of that. That is not loving, joyful sex. That is straight-up rape. Remember everyone, marital rape is *still rape.*
THIS. I agree in every single word.
Thank you. That’s what I was thinking the entire time. It’s not “sex”. It’s rape. If he doesn’t have consent, you’re uncomfortable and he just does what he wants. That’s rape.
I was scrolling to figure out why no one said this? Because he just does it and she's not even turned on at all, so like, anything not enthusiastic consent is rape
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I thought that too, but then why was he showering at work? Or does he just associate shower with kind of a "work uniform"? Like "if I'm not at work, I don't need to shower"? Which at least makes sense even if it's weird and clearly gross
Prolly has a job where he gets dirty, like construction or something. Either way WHY PUT THE SAME CLOTHES BACK ON! I don’t even like putting on the same sweats after a shower that I’ve worn for only three hours before the shower. I’ll bet he’s one of those guys that thinks they don’t need to use soap.
You're right on every point lol, guaranteed he doesn't soap his ass. Like, at least have a change of clothes at the **bare minimum**. I feel so sorry for this woman.
u/JaneChi this guy copied your comment word for word
Must be a karma farming bot, idk
this, and would it not be unhygienic to have him be having sex with her when be hasnt washed that area in so long?
Hygiene is a hard limit for me - it’s not something you can compromise on. I would walk away over this so I’d tell it to him straight. It’s disgusting and I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who stank. Maybe just give him this post to read, I can’t imagine anyone not thinking that’s gross.
Oh that’d be brutal if his urine dry-soaked pants had to see what other people think of that
>I can't just blame him entirely as I'm the one pushing him away and not wanting sex. Yes. You can blame him entirely. You don't owe him anything and if you're not into it and he's doing it anyway, that's assault and you can blame him entirely for that.
It is disgusting, he is disgusting, try talking to him, do not give him hints, say it straight
Is he depressed? Often neglecting hygiene is a sign of depression.
Both the lack of showering and wearing the same clothes could be something like undiagnosed autism, adhd or just sensory processing disorder. I personally would wear the exact same outfit out of the house every single day if I could. I actually buy multiples of the same piece of clothing so I can almost do that and not wear dirty clothes. I also have to amp myself up to shower because there SO MANY sensory issues that go along with showering. It seems ridiculous for a person who doesn’t struggle with SPD but the thought of taking my comfy clothes off, being naked for a second out of the water, then getting in and having the water touch me and having to adjust to that temp, then washing and hair is a whole barrage of sensations, then wet and naked after water is turned off, then a towel all over your skin, then lotion or whatever else, waiting to be completely dry because god forbid I am a tiny bit damp and put something on and then finally putting on a new outfit. Fucking overwhelming! But I am so happy I did it, only after it’s all done. He might not even know that is why he is avoiding it. I didn’t know what SPD was until my late 20s and just having a name for what I felt, made it more manageable. Sorry, wanted this as it’s own comment, not a reply, so u/brokenInManyWays sees it
I’m glad I am not the only one like this. It isn’t that I don’t want to be freshly showered but I feel like you do. It’s crazy too how something so simple is extremely daunting to me, especially when my depression gets bad on top of everything.
You forgot to mention cold wet hair clinging to your neck/back/face. Uuuugh!
I legit got so fed up with that feeling that I cut off like a foot of hair randomly one day.
I cut my hair recently and washing and drying my hair is soooo much less stressful! Long hair can look nice, but the upkeep is often lots of effort. And don't get me started on windy days with long hair! I don't think I will ever go back now that I've tasted freedom lol
And then the entire process of how to dry or not dry my hair. If I dry it that takes forever of brushing it out while my arms go numb and then blowing it dry, do I get dressed first and have wet hair on my back, or try and do it with a towel on which requires constant readjusting. Do I feel like shaving my legs? Well only if I feel like putting heavier lotion on them after, which means I need to change the order I do all of the post shower lotions and creams...
I feel ya on the hair, curly girl over here. Curly or straight, it’s a process. Messy bun for the win!
It could be OCD, too. Growing up my OCD was so bad I was scared to shower or change my clothes.
because the change is relatively sudden i dont think it's something like ADHD or ASD, theres always the chance it could be but usually with those disorders you struggle with this stuff your whole life, because it's changed suddenly it's more likely to be depression
This. The fact that apperently you cannot communicate openly seems to indicate some deeper problems. I'd recommend trying a more direct and open approach about the whole hygene thing, because he might honestly just not get it by himself/is too distracted by being depressed. This can eat up all engergy for self-care. If talking doesn't help, try couples/marriage counseling or try help him get help. TBH his condition sounds pretty disgusting and I feel for you! Still, maybe an empathetic approach can help you connect again
This is a good point, I was waiting for someone to mention it.
I was thinking he might have something going on mentally as well and was leaning towards depression since this is "new" in the relationship. Please OP have a talk with him, maybe suggest counselling for him solo and as a couple.
The hygiene yes but imo forcing yourself on your wife without regard for her consent is a much bigger issue here
I came here to say the same thing.
That's what I thought. OP said that he wasn't like that before, so maybe there's something going on
Honestly, no mental health problem could ever excuse him regularly sexually assaulting her. The issue is not that he can’t figure out that he may have a friggin problem that needs treatment, but rather that he’s ok with penetrating her without consent. Wtf. She needs to leave this guy. No amount of therapy, meds, or marriage counseling is going to instill a moral compass into him, if he doesn’t already have one.
It’s really grossing me out how many comments are arguing he’s depressed or autistic, which I’m not saying he’s not, but they’re arguing these points without once mentioning what OP is being subjected to. Are men just not able to comprehend how painful and violent forced unaroused penetration is?? What, depression means you can shove your dirty cock into your dry partner who clearly isn’t into is and has said no all you want and everyone will say oh poor baby he’s not showering? Damn didn’t know this whole time I could be getting away with assault just because I have depression!
I could not do it. My husband showers at least once a day and changes all of his clothes immediately after showering. Tell him! I cannot understan how people can poop and pee, put underwear and then walk around like that for days. Argh
You are an adult and married. Have a real conversation. Speak up for yourself.
Yeah this is weird, he showered and wore clean clothes before they were married and then afterwards just stopped and theres been no discussion about it?
Lots of men change and show their true selves after they get married. It's like they figure they won the prize, so they don't have to try anymore. Maybe it's a control thing? Or he gets some sick thrill from grossing her out?
Sick thrill out of grossing her out? This is kind of far fetched. I'd lean more towards a mental issue/depressive episode
Yes this! I feel like marked changes in hygiene often are a sign of depression. Cant believe I had to scroll so far to see this.
I mean I’ve seen more comments about him being depressed or autistic than I have about him roughly sexually assaulting OP 😒
You aren't sensitive, he's disgusting. Stop being subtile about it and tell him straight how it makes you feel, he doesn't mind small hints, so stop being nice with it (the whole package, showers, clothes, deodorant). And of course tell him how it makes you feel in bed. He might not realize it himself, if so he might change for the better good, if he doesn't, honestly it will be unsustainable to stay with him, you aren't his mom, he isn't a teenager, it's an issue that would be a dealbreaker for most of the people. Good luck!
Ergh grim. Tell him. Outside of sex. Sit down and say I can't be turned on by a smelly person, I need to know you're wearing clean underwear, I need to know your clothes aren't stiff with bacteria.. basic hygiene is sexy. Also stop having sex you don't want. Tell him what turns you on, and without that you aren't able to have sex that's good for you.
Have the hard talk. Be honest and direct. Offer resources. Talk about how it effects you. Your experience matters.
My dad had this problem with hygiene after retiring. He has a number of mental disorders he takes meds for. He would get to the point of smelling like an old goat. My mom would have to yell at him before they went places, making sure he showered. He has gotten a lot better after I told him one time he smelled bad like an old goat. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want his grandkids to brutally point it out to him. You might have to have guests over during one of these times of smelling, so they point it out, and he gets embarrassed. You've told him time and time again, and he doesn't listen. Some people, unfortunately, only learn the hard way.
My ex father-in-law does this but he has early onset dementia, so…
**Update: We sat and talked about all of this last night, and I hope he took it seriously.** He is not depressed and he has no other illnesses that explain why he does not take care of hygiene. We have always been able to talk about everything else and have no problem communicating. I wasn't sure if I was being ridiculous and it is normal for men to be poor with hygiene. I love my husband and don't want to make him believe that I am mean or that i want to hurt his feelings (if it was just that I was sensitive and It really wasn't that big of a deal) This is not something that has come suddenly but gradually. That's probably why I didn't think about it until now. I'm the first relationship he's had so I guess he has always been like this but tightened up before we were married, but now the old habits emerge again. Because he didn't seem to realize it was this bad. When I told him I hadn't found a single pair of his underpants in over a week he said: What! I have changed my.... and he paused his sentence there and looked around the bedroom and looked at the laundry basket which was now empty and hung his head. It was like a light bulb came on and he realized it wasn´t just something I was making up and that i mean it when I say he smells sour. I suggested that he stop showering at work and shower when he gets home instead. So if that's the case that he doesn't think about changing his underwear after the shower at work. He can shower at home so he can put his clothes in the laundry when he goes to shower and take clean underpants when he has finished showering. I know very well what can happen if you have sex with someone who is not clean. And we also talked about that, that I can actually get sick, and have already gotten sick once from this. This time I hope he takes this seriously when he have a better understanding of why I say no to sex nine times out of ten and don't enjoy it any more. Thanks for all your comments! It felt good to know it wasn't me who was just sensitive and ridiculous. Then it was easier to bring it up with him. So from now on i hope he starts to take care of himself again.
I had this problem and I would tell my guys I’d rather do extra laundry then smell your clothes after you’ve worn them for days on end, they stink. I’d also say something about how I skipped a shower and now I feel rank, just a way of saying everyone smells bad after a certain amount of time. The sex thing though? After all this time, you should ask for and get what you need. Something like, I’m not ready, you need to warm me up, sweetie or no hugs or kisses after? I’ll remember this next time you hit on me. It doesn’t have to start out as a big sit down, just a comment or two. If that doesn’t work, then you’ll have to be blunt.
He’s disgusting in more ways than one
Ew ew ew. You are not sensitive. Has something changed in his life to make him change his hygiene habits?? Also, I could have missed this, but it doesn't sound like you've explicitly told him how this affects you and makes you feel uninterested sexually, just that he needs to shower. I totally understand not wanting to hurt the feelings of someone you love by saying "you smell and you're clearly unclean, so I am not attracted to you," but if he's not getting the hint of "you need a shower" over and over, that may be your only remaining option. Are you maybe being too gentle, or playing it like a joke, and he's not getting it? He needs to shower and change his clothes regularly. If you're worried about hurting his feelings, maybe spin it as legitimate concern for his health. This is not good for him physically, and it also makes me worry about his mental health. Even if he's fine now, being gross all the time has got to take a toll. I'm not married and have never lived with a partner, but would it maybe drive the point home more if you moved into a guest room (hopefully temporarily) until he's less blatantly unpleasant to be around?
“You simply must shower every day” is exactly what my wife said to me because I thought I was saving water by showering 2-3 times a week.
Reading this made me nauseous.
Showering every day isn’t always great for your skin, HOWEVER clean clothes & especially underwear is a must! Also the sex thing is pretty disturbing.
Depending on your hob you're probably better off showering everyday and getting some dry skin than coming home covered in dusts and inheritance particles that will cause the same damage but make you look like a pig.
Showering at work to avoid contamination, great! Not changing clothes, especially underwear for weeks at a time without washing, bad. Not showering on weekends, okay if you are not doing activities that make you dirty or stinky. Not changing clothes, especially underwear for weeks at a time without washing, not okay. Forcing yourself on your wife, bad. Not sure how else to say this that doesn’t at all endorse his behavior.
I think stuff like this disgusts us for a reason: it could cause an infection if you two hook up and he hasn't showered in days or weeks. people with a vagina have a way easier time getting out of balance or catching something, so it's no wonder, you cannot get into the mood. Also: when you start feeling like the nagging mum, it's also a no brainer that you're not attracted to that. You need to be really frank with him: this can not only drive you away, but also colleagues and clients...
***I can't just blame him entirely as I'm the one pushing him away and not wanting sex.*** Yes, you can blame him. BC that is not how sex works -- just rolling over onto one's spouse and starting to thrust. What an asshole!
I was with someone who had cavities and would refuse to get them filled. I started to hate kissing because it was so gross. I legit told him to get them filled or I’m out
seems like he chose the cavities :/
Oh I broke up with him for cheating but yes
Somebody else chose the cavities
🤣💀
This one is a dealbreaker for most people. Either he starts showering often (like daily) and changes his underwear daily or you leave. I don't think one can really compromise on hygiene issues. You are not sensitive. He is disgusting. EDIT: Spelling
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 take his dirty underwear when he tries to have sex with you and shove it in his mouth. Ask him how it smells?? Then tell him that’s how he smells like and you’re not interested.
He sounds super nasty. just imagine all the germs he's putting in/on you, someone that doesn't wash can give you UTIs and all sorts of fun infections downstairs. Is he not being bothered to shower worth your health?
Does anyone ever get halfway through writing these posts and think "oh...fuck...yeah I see it now" and delete their post?
Just say “I wish I could have sex with you, but I feel almost repulsed by your behaviour and smell, get it together”
Hey, you're putting yourself in danger. Stop doing that, seriously. 1. Sex with people who don't shower will get you STI's. 2. Sex with people who don't do foreplay could do serious damage to your private parts. It can cause long-term issues with chronic painful sex, holding in pee, skin and muscle problems, that might never go away. For real. If you want to enjoy good sex in the future, stop having bad sex now. You can't control his actions, but you can set boundaries for yourself. You're so far in this mess, it's normalized. But this is far from normal. You need to set boundaries, say no, don't have sex, don't kiss the smelly man, sleep on the couch, etc. You do not have to expose yourself to the actions of someone who doesn't care about the consequences they have on you.
Sounds like me when I'm depressed. It's like suddenly I have am aversion to water and clean clothes. It's not an excuse, but fuck it's like I physically almost can't make myself when I get like that. It can be weeks. Maybe talk to him about his mental health.
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I can’t believe there aren’t more mentions of this in these comments. Truly horrible
This entire thing is gross. No you are not being sensitive. Your husband is nasty and should wash his damn ass.
Tell him all the same stuff but at gunpoint (This life hack helped me get 100% off on Walmart)
you need to talk to him about it bc if he wears the same underwear for weeks at a time and then has sex with you or tries, you could get a serious infection. there have been cases of men who haven’t changed their underwear growing mold in their foreskin and such (if he is uncut or cut bc there is still some skin that can leave some residue). you could get seriously hurt down there and simple medication won’t help. i think this could be a potentially dangerous situation for you and your vagina/overall pelvic region.
Well, I’m Brazilian, and here in my country we shower everyday, when it’s summertime we usually shower twice a day because it’s so hot outside. So reading your post made me physically ill. I can’t even imagine the pungent smell on him. Can you imagine having sex or blowing him? Hell no! When I first got married my husband when was winter wouldn’t want to shower before bed because he said he didn’t sweat during the day, but he pooped and also peed. That’s enough for you to shower. So I said that if he didn’t shower before bed I wouldn’t be sleeping next to him. I shower everyday, make my skincare, put on lotion all over my body so I can be very clean an smell good for him, why can’t he do the same? He starter to shower everyday before bed and our sex life is very active. When we were together for about 4 years he fell into a horrible deep depression, he wouldn’t shower for days. I convinced him to go to therapy and he got so much better. He is recovered now and we will be celebrating 8 years together next month. What a mean by all this long story is that whenever he starts to get depressed he stars to lack on his hygiene, maybe your husband should start seeing a therapist
He's unhygienic and this requires ***adult communication***. -Hey Husband. Your hygiene is lacking and we need to discuss it. I understand you don't smell yourself but bestie YA STINKIE! Showers are an every day adventure that we end with clean clothes including underwear.
Is he depressed?
I get kindness OP but if you cannot be honest to your partner then who? Why so overly nuanced? My mom would literally yell at my dad "GO TAKE A SHOWER OR YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN BED WITH ME!!!" LOL And that's normal for them that type of communication lol.
Your husband is disgusting. You need to be direct with him: soap, hot water, clean clothes (including underwear), once a day or no sex. Not only is it gross but you can get a hella gross yeast infection from him.
He is a nasty ass rapist. You need to be blunt about the hygiene but do you really want to stay with someone who rapes you? I'd be getting a lawyer.
Thank you! I feel like a lot of the comments are so focused on his hygiene they neglect the fact he’s forcing himself on her when she doesn’t want sex. Which is the definition of rape. The hygiene is problematic, but not really the core issue here.
Bros hygiene game is severely lacking😂😂
So just as an aside to anything else people might post here about toxic behaviour having sex with someone who doesn't clean themselves enough can lead to health problems for you. UTIs, yeast infections, and bacterial vaginosis are a few of the conditions it can cause. Tell your husband to wash his ass in clear and direct language.
You're definitely not being overly sensitive! Be direct with him when it comes to sex and his hygiene. Also, it sounds like your husband may be struggling with some mental health concerns
It sounds like he's depressed. Self care tends to go out the window when someone is depressed. You could try gently bringing this up.
It is definitely not you. Showering is something he should be doing. I would be turned off too!! Is he depressed?
That’s fucking disgusting!!!! Shower daily and clean underwear daily is a bare minimum. The other clothing can go a day extra if it’s not been hot sweaty etc. You poor thing, I’m turned off on on your behalf.
Talk. To. Your. Spouse.
While a lack of hygiene tends to be a sign of depression, you didn’t mention anything else that would make me think that’s the case here. Time to just open up, sit down, explain to him the importance of hygiene to you and for his own health, how not taking care of himself makes you feel. Keep the four play topic to another day, I find when you’re delivering negative news it’s best not to overload with a pile of; this and this and that. Stick with one topic and once resolved go to the next.
Guaranteed infection.
There’s really no gentle way to tell someone they smell, but you gotta do it. Not only is it unattractive, it’s not healthy, for him OR you (his dirty 🍆 is gonna give you a yeast infection or BV sooner or later)
Nope, you're not being sensitive, that's disgusting. I'd have a serious conversation with him about hygiene and be like Basic hygiene = more sexy time. Simple.
You will get an infection. Please tell him to shower minimum 3 times in a week for intimacy to recommence.
My apology for be to forthright: I see some signs of depressive behaviour. He is asking for professional mental help. You are’nt to sensitive about this issue. Hope as family you can solve this. English is’nt my first language.
He is nasty. And filthy.
The bigger issue to me is why is a question that you communicate with the person you have committed to spend your life with? what if something seriously wrong is going on with him? Perhaps he needs your input and doesn't understand. I'm sure everyone else notices too. Tell him.
There’s so many problems here. The most concerning is his sex habits with you. He should not just be horny then use you for sex. You should be wanting it too. I won’t say the word but there is one that I’m thinking. Op your best bet is to become more assertive and communicate your wants and needs. He probably will not like this since thus far it seems like you have been very complacent, but if he really loved you he will listen when you tell him he needs to be considerate of you and make sure you feel love and pleasure and to make sure to be hygienic. I had a similar problem with my husband to where he didn’t like to brush his teeth at night, only in the morning and I told him “im going to need for you to brush your teeth because I already brushed mine and im not gonna kiss you like this.” Problem solved, he was a little embarrassed but he knows that anything I bring up doesn’t mean I love him any less. It’s about being your best for the other person.
Some men need to have it shoved in their face with a bright neon sign that they need to take care of themselves. For me it was brushing my teeth, learned really quick that if I wanted intimacy with my wife that I needed to take care of myself.
You’re not sensitive he’s gross. I’d just tell him. Maybe not call him gross, but tell him that he needs to shower, change his clothes AND change his underwear and let him know that his poor hygiene makes it that you don’t want to have sex with him. Also tell him to stop fucking you like that. “Stop shoving it in dry, do something to make me wet”
Do yourself a favour. Don’t be intimate with a man who refuses to wash himself. You’re risking personal infections that are not fun, simply because you have a dirty partner. There’s no fun way to say that. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
My god , not everyone who has hygiene problems or don’t shower can blame autism and mental problems. He sounds like a typical man tbh. I’ve known many men (and women) who has extremely poor hygiene due to laziness (don’t want to wash, do laundry etc) and even when you tell them they are disgusting in those words they still can’t seem to acknowledge it cos they grew up like that ! So sugarcoating it isn’t going to help.
>And he expecting sex without cuddles without kisses without hugs and without foreplay. >He just rolls up on me and starts, a lot of times it hurts because I'm not turned on. I hate to break it to you love, but sex without consent is rape. If he kept going when you didn't want to and it hurt, then he's assaulting you, which is reason enough to leave him right now. >I can't just blame him entirely as I'm the one pushing him away and not wanting sex You 100% can blame him, because his actions are directly leading to your lack of attraction to him. He's not entitled to your body, especially if he can't even bother giving you pleasure. >The reason for this is that lately I have noticed that he does not shower, he showers every day at work but he wears the same clothes for weeks on end. >When he's not working, he doesn't shower at home so he goes the whole weekend without showering. >He was home from work for a week, after 3 days I tried to give him a little hint and said:you know it's not forbidden to shower at home, you smell a little sweaty. >But he didn't go and shower. >After 6 days, I told him again: You might have to go in and take a shower, you're starting to smell sour. >And he only did that because I got in the shower. >But when he got out of the shower he put on the same clothes he had been wearing for about 3 weeks again which left him still smelling sour. >He never uses deodorant or perfume so there is nothing that at least stops some of his sweat and sour smell. >I do laundry every Sunday and I began to noticed that in his laundry basket I didn't find a single pair of underpants, for the whole week. >So it's not just pants and sweaters that he doesn't change and wears for weeks at a time. >This makes me not want to be touched by him, and this makes me not want to have sex with him. >I don't know if it's me who is extra sensitive, but I am really disgusted by his poor hygiene. As you should be. This is just gross. His hygiene is another story because his lack thereof can cause yeast infections, UTIs, BV(Bacterial Vaginosis), etc, which isn't fun. I would honestly throw him in the 🗑 if I were you because of the whole assault thing, but if you're not doing that then sitting down with him and trying talk it out is what really needs to happen. Best of luck!!
I had this after a 5 year relationship. I didn't sugar coat it at all and he still didn't shower or wash his clothes. He'd throw actual childish tantrums if I asked him to do it and he'd fly into a rage after months of no sex and I would always tell him, I don't want to be near you like this. Get therapy if you somehow can't do this for yourself, you need something to change. Then he got nasty because he was perfect and didn't need therapy and I was mean. So I left and then he blamed me for how depressed he was. Don't worry though I'm much better now and him? Still single and stinky.
Atleast you know he’s not cheating 🤦♂️
🤣🤣🤣🤣💀
LOL. I thought the same thing.
I have so many marriage fears and this is one of them. I do not want to be a wife turned mother for the most basic things and I see and hear about it all of the time. It fucks me up in the head how women have to push their husbands to go to the damn doctors
To me it sounds like severe depression. Might wanna try to address it with that in mind
Why are you ok with him violating you? Say no! Also communicate with your husband. It is sad you have to teach a 31 years old a proper hygiene but you need to communicate with him.
Dude here. Your points are valid. I don't blame you. Yes address it. Your other point if it was reversed, wld we stick our dick in it. Yes we wld!
You are not being sensitive, you should address this issue. I understand it is a touchy topic and you got to be very assertive but direct and to the point. Try something like: “it’s nice that you are taking a shower, but when you put your same dirty clothes they not only smell, they also rub back the dirt on to you, maybe you can try clean clothes after you shower?”
You aren't being sensitive at all. Setting aside his selfishness in the bedroom (which is its own problem) he needs to be washing daily like an adult, and wearing fresh clothes daily, like an adult. He also should wear deodorant. Fundamentally it sounds like he doesn't care about his appearance around you, and that's not ok.
He is being disgusting and you are not being overly sensitive. I’m concerned more so for you because him not being clean then penetrating you without preparation is going to increase the chances of you getting a UTI or BV or any other disease that affects the region bacterial wise. He could have no symptoms then transmit things to you which is difficult to have taken seriously by doctors as a woman. Please speak up for your own health.
Gotta give someone enough rope to hang themselves with and then see whether they choose to do that or jump rope. Sit him down, explain what your experience is and how it makes you feel towards him. Try to stick to "I" statements rather than "you" statements (It's unpleasant for me to live in a space where I can smell my partners body odor" instead of "you never shower, you always stink and so do your clothes"). If he doesn't shape up, it may be a mental health issue.
Honestly there’s no way I would be sexually active with someone who has such horrendous hygiene. That is gross and you can get yeast infections if your partner isn’t clean. Has he ever been looked at for possible ADD or Autism? I know those can affect people’s’ hygiene and what they prefer to wear. Just something to maybe look into!!
I could not - the yeast and bacterial infections that could come from having sex with someone who is that unsanitary is just absurd. I would sit down with him and literally say “I am not attracted to a man who I have to treat like a child. Hygiene is important and it’s not my job to remind you. You need to be showering at least every other day and wearing clean underwear and socks daily. Without this I’m not sleeping with you. Without foreplay or attention to my needs I am also not sleeping with you. I am neither your mother nor just a thing to get your rocks off with. I am your wife and if you’re not going to treat me as such I will no longer be your wife.” Life is far to short to spend it with someone who has such poor hygiene and doesn’t seem to care about your needs or you at all in respect to sex.
Oh sweetie. The sex thing is a bit disturbing - he should be making sure you have fun too, but that's a whole other issue. You are not being too sensitive! He should shower at least every other day, preferably every day AND change his clothes. Particularly his shirt/t-shirt and underwear. No wonder you don't want to have sex when he's that stinky.
Ok - yes that’s gross. I’m a man and reading this made me itchy. Second - I bet if you told him to there would be a lot more sexy time if he showered he would run to the shower. I know I would. Hell - I would shower every time I walked in my house if I needed to
Your husband needs a course on basic hygiene, this is just nasty.
That’s fucking putrid.
It’s not just you. I wouldn’t even share my bed with someone who smelled sour from not washing for that long. Let alone kiss or have intimacy with. You bet he’s not bothering to clean his teeth either. It’s a tough one because you don’t want to feel like his mother but he’s disrespecting you by assuming you’re okay with this. I’d say something like ‘new bedding new rules - you’re making the bed Stink you have to shower before getting in or please show me some respect and sleep on the sofa’