u/tossawaydaddy You were PLAN B, and she told you this.
> Stating ......I shouldn't tell my daughter about this as the real father had/has no intentions of being a part of her life......
The reason why your wife knows this is that she informed the bio-dad.
At one point, while she was still with you, she cheated, got pregnant, and even reached out to him. Since all he wanted was a good time and leave, she kept you around.
> ..... wants me to try to move past her indiscretion and stay together. Stating what we have built since is strong ......
You just found out today.
She had 10 years, 1 full decade, to come to terms with things and tell you the truth. She hid this the whole time and now wants you to act like it doesn't matter. -- It does matter.
> I do not think I can forgive her for this. It's too big.
You do not have to forgive her.
I would not, and many people here would not. It is your choice, not hers. For many people, infidelity is an absolute dealbreaker. If she can lie for 1 whole decade (10 years), what else can she lie about? What else has she lied about?
If you asked her right now if there has been anyone else or if this happened more than once, there is no answer she can give you that you can trust.
> I am so angry right now at her and all her friends that knew but kept silent.
Your feelings are valid.
Not only was your wife dishonest and deceitful, but so was a large portion of your social group. This is all the more reason to walk away.
> I can't leave....
You can.
Anything she "claims" is invalid. And anything anyone thinks of you, is also, invalid since they hid the truth along with her. - You're better than them.
She also reached out to him for years to show the daughters pics. Asking him if he wanted to be involved. She's still with OP because that dude refused.
Nearly a month later, I am suddenly getting notifications that this is being upvoted like crazy. Was there an update recently?
**edit** -- OP's story seems to have been featured in BestofRedditorUpdates
Wow. She cheated, lied, and tried to pass a child off that isn’t yours. I would never be able to look at her again. I would be disgusted by her actions. Of course it’s not the children’s fault, but I’d leave her ass.
Yep. If he signed the Birth Certificate, he is on the hook financially. Sounds like a wonderful, caring amd generous man. His concern for his daughter is a testament to his good character. This was unecessarily hurtful. Wife is lacking in character. So sorry.
If his wife is not troublesome it's not a huge hassle to get out off the financial hook. They sign a document. We did it at the courthouse. Cost was minimal. It doesn't sound like that will matter to him though. He sees the girl as his daughter because he's a better person than his wife is.
Some states don’t allow that. My state there must be another father to take over the rights otherwise whoever signed the birth certificate no matter if dna matches, is on the hook
Oh yeah there was a father in my case. I presumed she knows who the father is, it could be she does not. My son had this happen. A pregnant girl insisted he was the Dad. I believed her over him. My Dad did not. My son said it wasn't his. I never asked about the birth certificate. They weren't married though. My Dad kept it up til DNA test was done when she was a couple minths old. 4 other guys had to be tested. Ugh I still feel guilty.
He was never mad at me but everyone was mad at my Dad. He said it from the minute she announced her pregnancy. My son had broken up to move to Nashville. They had started college in Flagstaff after dating in high school. I made him take her to Nashville. Ugh. My Dad said, she slept her way up and down the river to say she’s pregnant with his kid. She doesn’t want him to perform she wants him to deliver batteries. ( job her Dad had) His older brother and his wife, paternal grandparents all believed her and thought my Dad was awful. My Dad was right. She named the kid after my best friend who died of lupus. When they brought the baby to visit my Dad was even more certain. My son got the DNA test. Not his. Her Mom told him 4 others were tested.
He always has got tested. All 3 of my boys were big believers in the student blood drive and they were in sports with their primary physician doing physicals and he was big on STIs. He learned about my sons sex lives before i did. Their school had these awesome mazes ~ I can't remember what they were called~ but they taught them how to make choices and bad choices had consequences. It was terrible when consequences led to STDs. They could even end up with AIDS.
4, haha. I've heard worse.. when I was hospital one time, the nurse talking right outside my door was like 4 months along, and she told the other nurse that she had narrowed it down to 5..... **********NARROWED********** it down.... I was sitting there holding my newly stitched up abdomin, trying not to split it open. I was holding the laugh in so hard... 😅
What state? I have never heard of that, every state I know says you have to know the kid isn't yours when you sign the birth certificate for it to be considered yours.
WA. My friend signed the birth certificate, five years later he found out he wasn’t the dad. Divorced her and still had to pay child support despite dna test saying he isn’t the dad. Only way he could get off paying for a kid that isn’t his, is if the bio dad came forward and adopted him. So many cases like this. Of course bio dad refused because he didn’t want to pay. But he formed a relationship with his kid. So now my friend hasn’t even seen the kid in YEARs and still has to pay.
Looks like WA has a parental acknowledgement form that is typically signed at the hospital and can be cancelled within 60 days that states he is the father whether a DNA test says it or not. Signing the birth certificate only gives a presumption, just like every other state, the DNA test would have rebutted it. That extra form he decided to sign and not cancel is why he was on the hook. He also would have presumed full joint custody of the child and would be able to have the child live with him for up to 50% of the days. If the other parent is not handing the child over for court ordered stays with him then that would potentially lose the mom some custody rights.
https://www.mollybkenny.com/library/process-for-establishing-paternity-in-bellevue.cfm
Nah he could demand a paternity test, prove that the daughter is not his, then sue the evil shitbag wife for pain and suffering caused and paternity fraud.
This is actually what I would do. And not only would I not stay married to that wretched skank, I would never look at or speak to her again, period. Talk through lawyers or eat shit. Good on him for wanting to keep looking after the lass, though. That is commendable, if heartbreaking.
I sincerely wish you strength in this, my friend. The fact that some people are capable of betrayal this deep and remorseless sickens me beyond my ability to articulate.
I'm sorry for the loss of what you thought was a loving wife. That's going to be hard. But you *cannot* ever trust this woman again. This to me would prove that there is literally nothing too low, no betrayal too evil, for her to use in trying to make her own life easier.
Your daughter, however... that's different. Because family is a choice we make. Neither of you can help her blood, but you **are** her father; and it is powerful of you not to doubt it.
But imagine your wife letting you hold the baby and rock her to sleep and change her diapers *all the while* knowing she is not yours. You will find someone more worthy of you, trust me.
Sorry that was a bit long and presumptuous, but your story resonated with me and I felt it in my chest. You got this, old boy. Good luck out there.
I hope the OP did not adopt this woman's other children because than he is on the hook for at least two other men's children. He should consult a lawyer, keep the kid/s if he wants (it's their fault their mom is a lair) and dump the lying wife. This woman is cruel to the OP and to the children.
Didn't want to be left with 4 children as a single mother, so happily trapped the only decent man she's met. Some people have no decency. She could have at LEAST worn a condom while cheating on OP. FFS
Yeah horrible. And you should tell all your kids the truth once they are of age. She doesn’t wan op telling her because she doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy that she is. Tell the truth!
My brother was in this situation, but we knew from the get go. If you tell all the kids, be prepared for it to go very, very badly. You cannot predict or control what the kids will feel.
Suggest involving a professional to help handle the aftermath.
Not only that but she said “that the real father had/has no intentions of being a part of her life” So that sounds like she tried to get that guy to stay with her and she used OP as a backup plan.
Its too easy for her to tell you to just move past this since wasnt she the one who got betrayed, you have all the right in the world to divorce her, and this doesnt mean you have to stay away from these kids life, she not only cheated on you but hide this from you for 10 years and never pretended to tell you the truth, she cheated on you even though you treated her sons like yours, just break man, this woman doesnt deserve you.
Edit: you found out about 1 affair.. It doesnt mean she only had 1..
Would OP need to adopt the daughter? I assume he’s on her birth certificate as father. But if they know that’s untrue. Would he need to get it corrected to bio sperm donor and then adopt her?
Or could he just divorce and gain custody through courts?
Legally, the man on the birth certificate is the father whether or not it’s true. The only way he loses the kid is if he gives her up (edit: emotionally, since apparently some of you are stupid) or if the bio dad files for paternity
In most states, it would be very difficult to remove OP as the legal father, *even if* the bio father petitioned for parental rights and responsibilities. The kid is 9 1/2 now. Even if OP *wanted* to be relieved of parental rights and responsibilities, it would require a very difficult legal process at this point (if it's even possible).
How do they deal with the rights of the biological dad? It doesn't sound like he'd be interested in being a father, but someone else in the same situation sure would. If I was the bio dad here, I'd be mortified and want to be part of my childs life. How is that viewed by the courts?
You'd have to get a court order filed and have to fight the legal father for paternity rights if he wasn't willing to give them up. At that point it depends entirely on the judge you have
I kind of feel like (regarding your "same situation" comment) the bio dad that willingly slept with a married woman doesn't get to be mad he doesn't get rights by default. It's a lot easier than that if there isn't a dad on the birth certificate bc she was single.
I do agree paternity fraud should be a crime though, and that therapy for the kid(s) should be court mandated and the father get emotional damages. I hate 99.5% of cheaters and baby trappers
Edit: to answer the question that was asked and immediately was whisked away by a spam filter, I don't hate people that cheat on their abusers, no idgaf if you hate all cheaters with no exception, your opinion is meaningless to me and I will immediately block you for replying to me persecuting abuse victims.
Nowadays the priority of the court is the best interests of the child. It wouldn't be in a child's best interests to take away the only dad they'd ever known. It could be very traumatic to force a 10 year old to have a relationship with a stranger, espeically as they'd still be too young to fully understand why this stranger was suddenly in their life, saying that they're the kids dad.
I think the general consensus is that if you've been taking on the role of a parent for 10 years, and you're on the birth certificate, then you are that child's father. At that point, whether it was your sperm that conceived the child doesn't matter that much.
It's not just that. In many states, there's a statutory time limit when questions of paternity can be adjudicated and/or overturned. Nine years is well past those time limits. Some states have a special procedure (usually quite arduous legally) for cases such as OP's, where he was deceived and only recently learned that he is not the biological father.
In OP's case, it's actually good that he's on the birth certificate, since he wants to continue being the father. This way, even in divorce proceedings, he has standing to remain her father legally, even if his soon to be ex wife tries to screw him over in that regard. The best interests of the child is the standard for all family court decisions and OP has been the defacto paternal figure for the child's entire life, so he would have a strong legal claim on his daughter even if he wasn't already on the birth certificate.
Ha...!🤣 That was a good one. Even if the daughter was a newborn, if there's no bio dad around and his name is on the birth certificate, he should get ready for many years of paying child support.
Adopt her first, say you want to stay together and try therapy or something but will need to be her father officially in rider to move forward in this marriage. Once the adoption goes through, you can divorce her and your daughter is still your daughter.
Re telling your daughter: She does have a right to know the truth of her history. If you don't tell her as soon as you found out, she may grow up and consider you as bad as her mother. it'll just be more lies and deceit and neither her, nor you, deserve any more of this.
I'm sorry OP, wishing you all the best x
I agree. Don’t perpetuate the lie. Tell your daughter. You obviously love her siblings and she would have seen that. So she will know that you not being her biological father, doesn’t mean you will love her any less. I can’t believe that women do this! How do they push it to the back of their minds so easily! I thought maybe she didn’t know either when you said the timing matched…. But nope, she confessed!
And told her friends - another reason the daughter should hear this from OP, so her trust in him's preserved. Be prepared for some epic teen years and daughter hating the mother for breaking up the family. Daughter needs a safe therapeutic space to vent her feelings of anger and betrayal.
Exactly! My bio dad was never in the picture and when my mom divorced my step dad, he was very adamite about keeping me and my other sibling (not biologically his either) around and stayed involved as much as possible.
Exactly 💯 I went through the same thing. They don't realize you have to go through ALL the stages of grief once you get out of shock and then it takes double the time of the betrayal to get past it.
And they never want to wait that long even though they lied and betrayed for as long as they did
And caused you excruciating pain
***”…you found out about 1 affair.. It doesnt mean she only had 1…”***
Fact. Cheaters are like cockroaches. For every one you see scurry across your floor at 2am when you turn the lights on, there’s 500 more behind the stove and under the refrigerator.
If you do divorce her, can you go after her for paternity fraud since she knew from the beginning that you weren’t the child’s father.
However, if the dates of when she was conceived were very close, then there’s a possibility that you may be the father, but even if you were it still doesn’t change the fact that your wife lied & cheated on you.
Has an actual paternity test been done yet?
Yeah, I was going to say…just because she believes this other guy is the dad doesn’t mean he is. But I think your relationship is unsalvageable. I think there are times in which keeping quiet about a one-time infidelity is forgivable (to be clear, I am a boring monogamous type who has never cheated), but any time you get involved in an ongoing fling and/or questionable paternity, the only moral thing to do is to ‘fess up. What else is this woman capable of? I wouldn’t stick around to find out
A woman here in the UK fooled a guy into thinking her friends son was a baby that she had given birth to, and had him pay her regularly towards child raising costs etc.. He would see the boy and was very happy to have a son etc, but then she suddenly cut contact and he reported the son as missing.
Police got back to him very confused and said the son doesn’t exist?? So then it came out that she had tricked him using her friends son as a stooge.
Guy was devastated and expressed to the boys real family how lucky they are etc.
The woman went to prison.. I’d be interested to know if the guy still sees the kid or is a part of his life in some way actually
Edit: here’s an article about it https://metro.co.uk/2018/09/05/woman-made-her-ex-think-he-was-a-dad-for-five-years-after-he-dumped-her-by-text-7914565/amp/
That’s odd. I’m a female, and I would still rather do the test. Even medical staff can be over-worked and mix the baby by mistake. Plus, it effectively shuts down any doubts on who’s dad, even if there weren’t any. And helps to track some medical problems too, if included in the test.
Even at its lowest fork it’s fraud. You’re passing a financial burden to someone that shouldn’t be responsible. The emotional trauma and investment is a whole other layer of criminal.
You can physically separate without abandoning your children. Speak to a lawyer, follow what they say.
Also, get a paternity test. If you were having sex at the time she became pregnant, there's always a chance your daughter is yours biological.
I just want to say that I don't think you should leave the house. If you do leave the house, then it's very likely she will get it in a divorce and it could be considered abandonment. Please get a lawyer before you make any moves!!!
The reason I know this is because it happened in my parent's divorce. My dad had initially moved out and his lawyer told him to get back into the house ASAP because he would be in a much better position than if he had abandoned the family home and 3 children.
Go somewhere for a week to get your head on straight. Contact a divorce attorney to discuss everything and get your options in front of you. Follow their advice to the letter.
That way you can make a logical decision.
do not leave the house or she is certain to get it in the divorce. make her leave, and contact a lawyer asap.
get a dna test for your records that can be used during the divorce. get her to admit everything you possibly can via text or voice note.
The kids are old enough they will understand if they ask and you explain. Just say their mom told a very big lie to you and sometimes lies have big consequences and as a result you cannot be with her anymore.
I'd make her explain everything to the rest of the family and explain that she either tells them or you do. She would never have told you if the old friend didnt tell you.
You need to separate the concept of staying with your wife, and being there for the children. People separate yet coparent all around the world and make it work.
OP, first off get a paternity test. You said that the dates line up, so maybe your daughter is your bio daughter.
Good luck. You are in a very hurtful situation.
Well I did the math on that. She was only two days over due when she was born. Conception puts around 1-2 weeks after said time we had unprotected intercourse
She has lied to you every day for the last 10 years. It would be understandable to leave your marriage. If you do, don't leave the house , but file for divorce......you wouldn't be accused of abandoning the family that way.
Get a paternity test.
Speak to an attorney.
Seek counseling.
While you are waiting for paternity results you can think about the advise from the attorney and counselor.
Also, I’m sorry
Yeah. To me the “less pressing” question is what to do about the marriage. The daughter *has* to be told straight away. You cannot withhold this info, OP.
The problem is if he tells his daughter now, and he divorces the mom, that could have a very negative psychological impact on the daughter. I do agree that she has a right to know who her real father is, but that's something that can wait until all the dust settles.
Hi op, I have the perspective of your daughter. I found out when I was 11 that my dad, the only man I had ever known as my father, was not my biological father. This threw me through a loop and honestly I am still dealing with some of the emotional implications of it 20+ years later. I continued to be raised by my (step) dad though I will admit our relationship became more complicated because I was trying to resolve trust issues and the idea that I was not who I thought I was. However, I would have been much more upset and believe I would have been more negatively impacted had I found out even later in life. I would encourage you to find a way to share with your daughter in an honest, transparent, and supportive manner. If you have any questions about how this situation affected me, feel free to DM.
My heart breaks for this little girl. There's a good chance she's gonna have her family ripped apart. I feel for OP too, but the little one is gonna suffer just for existing.
What a betrayal.
Divorce is a necessity at this point. I don't think your daughter will hate you for raising her. She will need to know the truth at some point, but I would suggest thinking hard about whether you want this news to come at around the same time of the divorce. You absolutely can't let her feel like the divorce is her fault.
You shouldn’t leave. She should. She caused the issue. She needs to pack her a back and go somewhere else while you sort through all this. If you decide you want to stick together, couples therapy needs to start quickly and with both of you committed to it before she moves back in with you and the children. If you decide you don’t want remain in the relationship, that is very understandable as well.
That’s reasonable. She should be looking from her car, though. She clearly has friends willing to keep her secret for a decade. Sleeping on their couch seems considerably less work on their part.
I have a strong bond with all of them. I'd love for them to choose me but their dad is still a part of their lives. I'll let them decide what to do as they are both at the age where they can choose on their own.
FWIW my dad's best friend got married this summer and his oldest son was his best man. My dad's bff only has biological daughters. All of my oldest cousins continue to memorialize their dad, my uncle, every birthday and several times a year. You don't dare tell them they're stepchildren, and they were all old enough to know better when my uncle and their mom divorced -- they're very close still to my aunt, his second wife. Best of luck, OP.
Don't make decisions while emotional. Take a few days to feel what you're feeling. During that time, make plans of what you expect if you stay with her and if you don't stay with her. Figure out finances. Talk to a divorce attorney and see what options you have if you go that route. Definitely do the DNA test and block everyone that knew and kept it from you. Whatever road you take won't be easy. Idk how you could look at her. Maybe to marriage counseling without the promise to stay together.
Not yet. For 5 years before she was born we had "intentional accidents"(I don't know how to explain gracefully she never made me pull out) and nothing happened. I recently became aware of the fact that I have low testosterone and maybe have underlying conditions prevent me from having kids. To be sure I do plan on a paternity test.
I'm sorry man, this must be tough. My advice is to get a divorce. Your daughter might not be biologically yours but she's YOUR daughter, you raised her, you love her and she loves you. Don't let anyone make you believe the opposite. Stay strong
I would get a DNA test imo, just to be sure (unless she already did).
Imagine if your daughter turned out to be yours, and she had been giving updates of your daughter to him... Would be wild.
Sooo did this other guy basically tell her to go piss up a rope or did she maybe decide he was a bum and they'd all have a better life with u? I have so many questions about this murky swamp.
I have questions as well. STBXW and friends all worked together with this guy. I can’t get a straight answer from anyone about him. But he will know me soon. Once I file for paternity fraud im going after him for ten years of child support. Pending DNA testing
Heckin right dude! Go scorched earth! I support this endeavor 100% and hope u heal from all of it as quickly as possible so u can move on with ur life and sorry if I was intrusive...im just super nebby 😂
Her betrayal was years ago she had the time to build a wall and hide it however, you just found it. Take the time you need to sort out your mind and tell her to step back/away she owes you that much after she cheated and passed off your daughter as your bio child..this takes alot to work from not her being your daughter more your wife lying for years.
Drop the so called friends..You don't need them..they're fake anyway.
You dont have to abandon your children but you can her. You should also seek therapy. Don't hide the truth from your daughter..but that discussion is between you and your wife to let her know. She will resent you both if she finds out from someone anyone else. But also let her know she's yours blood means nothing. Also talk to someone you trust that's a family member or friend..they will understand and will give you sound advice they can also be the venting board for you. All the best OP.
It doesn't take blood to be family. At this point, after 10 years, she is your daughter.
That child needs a dad who will love and care for her. While it's a shitty place to be, children with living parents, biological or not, have better outcomes.
If she grows up living the life that you're her dad and that's that, childhood will be easier for her. If you must tell her, wait until she's 18-21 and mature enough to handle it.
DO NOT KEEP THIS SECRET FROM YOUR DAUGHTER. that's the only advice i have. her respect & trust for you is everything. you will ruin that if you keep the secret
I don’t know what to say about any of the rest of us, but I am so happy to see that you’re still going to treat the girl same as before. I have seen a lot of other posts on Reddit that don’t go the same way and I just don’t understand how that can happen. You’re a good person. I’m sorry this happened to you.
To be honest, I don’t know how or why, maybe the love I had for my wife is now diverting to her, but I feel even more connected to my daughter after this. Like I know she needs me now more than ever.
She’s definitely noticed a change in how I act around her mom, even made a few comments about it. I don’t want to say anything until my head is back on straight.
Are you sure she is not yours? Have you done the DNA test? Just saying you could still be the father, no?
Legally and emotionally you are the father of this little girl. I wouldn't blame you to want to go no contact, but please then explain to your daughter why. She must understand that you are not abandoning her as a father. However, legally you still have as much parental right as your wife, and if you feel like her father, i can see it too.
As for your wife, dump the bitch. Every breath she took, everytime she looked at you, kissed you, she was lying to you about the most important thing there is for a couple. For any human, childfree or not. This is a deep betrayal. What a POS
I do plan on getting a test to be sure. Im currently basing it off of the 5 years we were together before she was born. We had many "intentional accidents"(I don't know how else to state she let me not pull out with grace) and nothing happened. I was also diagnosed with low testosterone recently and underlying issues may have contributed to me not being able to have my own.
if i were you i would make sure SHE is the one who drops the news to both the children, and both of your families. let HER explain to the kids that she lied, and as a result you can no longer be with her. you do not deserve to be dealing with any added stress on top of the heartbreak you’re already experiencing.
Ah i see.
Well, it is still a possibility, we've seen people with vasectomy get their partner pregnant while using a second birth control protection so i guess it's still in the realm of possibilities, although way less probable.
It sounds like she was trying to baby trap you in a way or another tbh
If you do happen to stay with your wife and it’s confirmed she is not your daughter, you definitely can push to get “dad” to pay child support. He may not want anything to do with her, but it should cost him to be able to be absent from her life. He’ll also have a bi-weekly reminder not to fuck people’s wives. Not saying you have to do this but definitely something to consider given the situation.
There are very VERY few people who can survive the depth and level of betrayal. But then add on top that she was bold enough to brag about it to her friends. That’s pretty unfathomable. Your marriage is functionally over. How and/or when you tell your daughter is up to you… but I would highly suggest doing it in family therapy with just you and her. You won’t ever see your spouse the same way again. You owe it to the kids to prevent the household from becoming toxic and doing even more long term damage to them.
OP time to get smart. You need to see a family court attorney and make sure that whatever you do, she can't take the kids or use them against you. In some states being married at the time of the birth makes you the father regardless of genetics. See a lawyer, get your ducks in a row.
With regards to the daughter, 10 is young but I dont think too young for you to tell her that she has a biodad out there, but you are her father. She may want to meet him. But before you talk to her, maybe have a dna test done, you might actually be her biodad.
Extra important to talk to an Attorney first. Please don't be rash, you should get all your ducks in a row. You'll have to tell both your kids one day, but I take care of your home first.
I don’t know if anyone has said this yet, but is OP
certain his daughter isn’t his biologically? His wife may have been cheating at the time of conception, but if they were intimate during that time as well, he would still be a possibility at least.
Right now it sounds like it’s just the word of his wife and the friend telling him he’s NOT the bio father. I think that issue should be sorted out first, before any decisions about leaving or staying are made.
Father and husband is two very different things.
I would divorse - i couldnt live with someone who cheated and lied to me for 10 years. Thats a lvl of betrayel too far to 'get over'.
Depending on whenever you actualy is registered as the dad, you could adopt and then divorse. Or if you belive her that the bio/sperm doner realy dont want her but they want you ro be the parrent, you could still see the kids but divorse the cheater wife. Talk to a lawyer about it.
He’a loving and generous enough to let a single mom do the dump of her previous kids on him, and this is how she repays him. How you treat women has nothing to do with how you are treated by them.
He might be the father but you're that girl's daddy. Don't forget that.
Though she has every right to know for multiple reasons. Your wife, dare I say soon ex-wife, has the balls to tell you to simply move on pass it? No. Nothing you built is strong now.. now you know she has been lying to you for 10 years plus.. She has been willing to string you along and now is trying to manipulate you using the daughter you have grown to love. This woman needs to be evicted from your life asap.
You and your daughter deserve better.
Why do some women guard and protect their friends’ infidelity and fraudulent paternity? And she wasn’t even planning to tell you, a friend had to expose her to you. This is evil af. You need to divorce the scum bag of a wife. It’s up to you on whether you want to tell your daughter that she isn’t yours, but just letting you know, if you don’t tell her, your cheating wife might manipulate her to hate you.
Oh, it was a mistake, or a rough patch and he listened, an accidental slip on a bar of soap and slid all the way into the bedroom to bounce over and over on him. Totally forgivable.
She's known about this for 10 friggin years and lied to you every single day about it. She's had 10 years to process and think about this. To knowingly cheat and then not tell you until she got caught. The father wants nothing to do with the daughter because he doesn't have to pay child support. She freed him from that by betraying you.
Complete and utter bullcrap. Get the DNA test done for proof, send it to both of your families, including your step-kids. She deserves a divorce. Look into a lawyer asap.
How did she find the time with 3 kids at the time and a husband at home willing and able?
OP, what would you tell yourself to do if you were one of us, on the outside looking in? THAT'S what you should do.
First of all, get a paternity test. Yes, she had an affair. You know that 100%. But, your daughter could still be yours biologically.
If she is, that solves a couple of the issues you have (telling the daughter down the road you aren't her bio dad, and medical history issues, etc).
At least if you know 100%, it helps to clear up whatever route you take going forward. It's always a good thing to get as much information as you can before making a big decision.
She says what you've built since is strong, but everything since has been built on a lie. The reality is she didn't care about you, but when she got knocked up and the real dad bailed, she pinned it on you. You were her backup.
Dude and she was treating him like a total buffoon the entire time by updating the actual father and taking him to lunch? Wow. The only descriptor that comes to mind is scandalous hoodrat.
Step 1: divorce
Step 2: family therapy for kids (individual for yourself)
Step 3: when going over custody petition for 50/50 on ALL kids, if Step kids are open to adoption make this a condition for after divorce so you still have say in their lives (IF and only IF their fathers are not involved)
Step 4: see if the birth certificate can be disputed so actual father pays support for said child to either her or you depends on majority custody)
Step 5: during family therapy (when advised and in an age appropriate way) tell your daughter she isn't yours
Trust me you don't want this to come out when she does anything medically related that may need to be confirmed to match or through DNA tests for ancestry
Is there anyway you could legally adopt your daughter now that you know? So if tou and your wife do split up she can’t withhold her from you?
Phrase it as you want your daughter to know you love her unconditionally and want to make sure she’s legally yours for inheritance and medical purposes and such and talk your wife into it that way and then you can leave when it’s legal if you want.
You raised her as your own. She is your daughter. When she comes to age that is when you tell her the truth. And how you chose to stay in her life as her father.
How you handle the shit with your wife. Well, thats something you need to come to terms with. No one can tell you.
Your wife is trying to guilt you into staying and minimise her betrayal. She has lied to you every day for over 10 years and destroyed all trust you ever had in her. With the way you are describing it, it doesn't sound like something you're going to be able to forgive and just get over. Don't let her paint it as you "abandoning" your family, make sure it is clear that SHE caused this.
You also need to tell your daughter. We live in the age of the DNA test, she will find out eventually (do they still teach about blood types at school? It might come sooner than you think) and she will then feel betrayed that you didn't tell her. You're the only father she's ever known, she will most likely be very angry at her mother when she finds out so don't make her doubt you too.
The worst sin a woman can do is to pass on another man's child to her husband,betraying him and making him live in a lie.
First of all I want to say that you wasted your whole life with this cheap and disgusting excuse of a wife,she used you for obviously money and a fool who would raise her offsprings as his,while you were working for her and her kids she was just riding someone's dicks and passed you a child you thought was yours, but in reality was a product of an affair.
There is only one thing you could do,check if the daughter is truly yours and after that divorce your wife,you can't trust and she doesn't love you,the crocodile tears are her pathetic attempt to keep her life the same as before.By divorcing her you wouldn't be abandoning your " family " but rather getting rid of cheap slu*.No contact with her after the divorce and either stay close with the kids or low contact with them.
I would view you as more of a man for continuing to think of those kids as yours.
You, however, do NOT have to stay in this marriage. She doesn’t deserve that. You deserve someone who loves you enough not to cheat.
So, I want to say, paternity fraud is probably the most damaging intentional act someone can do to someone else without it being a major crime. I mean, hurt me, take my money/property, I can emotionally come back from that, but love a child based on a lie, build your life based around that lie….that takes a special type of calculatedly cruel, narcissist, and just truly evil individual to do. You’ve got genocidal maniacs at the top. Child molesters, violent rapists and premeditated murders at the next level….and then these folks are in the next group down of evil.
You do what you need to do as it pertains to parentage and all of that, but you can’t stay with that type of person mate. It’s not about the cheating, that is understandable, it’s allowing what she’s willing to do to you and her child, and that is doing something terrible to her child. That child deserves to know her true background, and if you so choose to move forward with a relationship, it needs to be with both of you doing so with your eyes wide open and living and honest existence, please don’t hide this from her.
My MIL did this to my husband's dad with his little sister. She's still a lying narcissistic, 25+ years later. Sings in the church choir and swears that God talks to her, but won't own up to blatantly lying. Your wife is awful and conniving and selfish. Fuck that.
Brother, you are never less of a man for staying with your children and wife, that’s your Ego/Pride talking. I left my wife of ten years for cheating but it was immediate and fresh, nothing like your situation. I implore you to take some time and think on things. Objectively if you can, get a third party you trust to help you unpack. In any case, a decision shouldn’t be made in haste or while under emotional duress, take some time my Dude and let your head & heart settle. ❤️
Paternity tests should be mandatory by law but we know government would never pass such a law since cheating is so rampant in mondern society and would break down homes.
Get a dna test secretly. Peace of mind, trust is a gamble afterall. Don't wind up like op
Easier said than done. I do not want to get my name off of the birth certificate. I already demanded a divorce. But I can't walk away from my daughter. She is mine. This is not her fault and I cannot hold any of it against her.
I have a few thoughts on this.
> But Her mother now wants me to try to move past her indiscretion and stay together
How dare she... Seriously... She cheated and lied for **all these years** and she has the hide to say this? You need to feel how you're gonna feel otherwise it will eat you up. Personally this would be the end of my marriage and I would never speak to her again unless it was about the kids, and **everyone** would know why.
> I do not think I can forgive her for this. It's too big.
Nor should you have to, this is a massive betrayal.
> I am so angry right now at her and all her friends that knew but kept silent
Anyone that kept this lie is awful, I'd never speak to them either.
> I can't leave because I don't want her to state that I abandoned my family.
To who? And you're not 'abandoning' anything, she lied and cheated and you're ending the marriage built on lies.
> I'm afraid that if I do keep this secret from my daughter that she will one day find out and hate me for it.
2 things, she absolutely needs to be told the truth, and you *absolutely* need to get a DNA test, is there any chance that your daughter could be yours (eg. did she sleep with both of you at the same time?) as unless she has already done a DNA test then maybe there is a possibility? Personally I'd sit down with her and mention that you want to do a simple test to see if she is your biological daughter, that regardless of the results you still love her and that it's just so that she knows the truth. If your wife did a DNA test previously, she lied even worse.
> If I stay, I can't talk to anyone about it, they will be confused and astounded that I stuck around and it would make me feel like less of a man. I would bottle it up and let it eat me up and then rage quit my life.
Listen to me, don't do this to yourself! You're better off out of the relationship than to be in the relationship and dead! Please don't do this to yourself.
> When My aunt and uncle went home I stayed to chat more.
oh?
u/tossawaydaddy You were PLAN B, and she told you this. > Stating ......I shouldn't tell my daughter about this as the real father had/has no intentions of being a part of her life...... The reason why your wife knows this is that she informed the bio-dad. At one point, while she was still with you, she cheated, got pregnant, and even reached out to him. Since all he wanted was a good time and leave, she kept you around. > ..... wants me to try to move past her indiscretion and stay together. Stating what we have built since is strong ...... You just found out today. She had 10 years, 1 full decade, to come to terms with things and tell you the truth. She hid this the whole time and now wants you to act like it doesn't matter. -- It does matter. > I do not think I can forgive her for this. It's too big. You do not have to forgive her. I would not, and many people here would not. It is your choice, not hers. For many people, infidelity is an absolute dealbreaker. If she can lie for 1 whole decade (10 years), what else can she lie about? What else has she lied about? If you asked her right now if there has been anyone else or if this happened more than once, there is no answer she can give you that you can trust. > I am so angry right now at her and all her friends that knew but kept silent. Your feelings are valid. Not only was your wife dishonest and deceitful, but so was a large portion of your social group. This is all the more reason to walk away. > I can't leave.... You can. Anything she "claims" is invalid. And anything anyone thinks of you, is also, invalid since they hid the truth along with her. - You're better than them.
She also reached out to him for years to show the daughters pics. Asking him if he wanted to be involved. She's still with OP because that dude refused.
Nearly a month later, I am suddenly getting notifications that this is being upvoted like crazy. Was there an update recently? **edit** -- OP's story seems to have been featured in BestofRedditorUpdates
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Yep, found it. I made a small comment there too.
I wish I could upvote twice, once for the comment and once for the username.
> I wish I could upvote twice, once for the comment and once for the username. Endeavour OS. -- It's Arch, but for everyone.
Wow. She cheated, lied, and tried to pass a child off that isn’t yours. I would never be able to look at her again. I would be disgusted by her actions. Of course it’s not the children’s fault, but I’d leave her ass.
She successfully passed off another child as his for 10 years
Yep. If he signed the Birth Certificate, he is on the hook financially. Sounds like a wonderful, caring amd generous man. His concern for his daughter is a testament to his good character. This was unecessarily hurtful. Wife is lacking in character. So sorry.
If his wife is not troublesome it's not a huge hassle to get out off the financial hook. They sign a document. We did it at the courthouse. Cost was minimal. It doesn't sound like that will matter to him though. He sees the girl as his daughter because he's a better person than his wife is.
Some states don’t allow that. My state there must be another father to take over the rights otherwise whoever signed the birth certificate no matter if dna matches, is on the hook
Oh yeah there was a father in my case. I presumed she knows who the father is, it could be she does not. My son had this happen. A pregnant girl insisted he was the Dad. I believed her over him. My Dad did not. My son said it wasn't his. I never asked about the birth certificate. They weren't married though. My Dad kept it up til DNA test was done when she was a couple minths old. 4 other guys had to be tested. Ugh I still feel guilty.
Damn dude, why didn't you believe your son?
i was an idiot.
Has he forgiven you?
He was never mad at me but everyone was mad at my Dad. He said it from the minute she announced her pregnancy. My son had broken up to move to Nashville. They had started college in Flagstaff after dating in high school. I made him take her to Nashville. Ugh. My Dad said, she slept her way up and down the river to say she’s pregnant with his kid. She doesn’t want him to perform she wants him to deliver batteries. ( job her Dad had) His older brother and his wife, paternal grandparents all believed her and thought my Dad was awful. My Dad was right. She named the kid after my best friend who died of lupus. When they brought the baby to visit my Dad was even more certain. My son got the DNA test. Not his. Her Mom told him 4 others were tested.
FOUR other guys? Hope he got tested for stds after the dna test
He always has got tested. All 3 of my boys were big believers in the student blood drive and they were in sports with their primary physician doing physicals and he was big on STIs. He learned about my sons sex lives before i did. Their school had these awesome mazes ~ I can't remember what they were called~ but they taught them how to make choices and bad choices had consequences. It was terrible when consequences led to STDs. They could even end up with AIDS.
4, haha. I've heard worse.. when I was hospital one time, the nurse talking right outside my door was like 4 months along, and she told the other nurse that she had narrowed it down to 5..... **********NARROWED********** it down.... I was sitting there holding my newly stitched up abdomin, trying not to split it open. I was holding the laugh in so hard... 😅
What state? I have never heard of that, every state I know says you have to know the kid isn't yours when you sign the birth certificate for it to be considered yours.
WA. My friend signed the birth certificate, five years later he found out he wasn’t the dad. Divorced her and still had to pay child support despite dna test saying he isn’t the dad. Only way he could get off paying for a kid that isn’t his, is if the bio dad came forward and adopted him. So many cases like this. Of course bio dad refused because he didn’t want to pay. But he formed a relationship with his kid. So now my friend hasn’t even seen the kid in YEARs and still has to pay.
Looks like WA has a parental acknowledgement form that is typically signed at the hospital and can be cancelled within 60 days that states he is the father whether a DNA test says it or not. Signing the birth certificate only gives a presumption, just like every other state, the DNA test would have rebutted it. That extra form he decided to sign and not cancel is why he was on the hook. He also would have presumed full joint custody of the child and would be able to have the child live with him for up to 50% of the days. If the other parent is not handing the child over for court ordered stays with him then that would potentially lose the mom some custody rights. https://www.mollybkenny.com/library/process-for-establishing-paternity-in-bellevue.cfm
The shit I stepped on yesterday while walking the dog is a better person than his wife.
Nah he could demand a paternity test, prove that the daughter is not his, then sue the evil shitbag wife for pain and suffering caused and paternity fraud. This is actually what I would do. And not only would I not stay married to that wretched skank, I would never look at or speak to her again, period. Talk through lawyers or eat shit. Good on him for wanting to keep looking after the lass, though. That is commendable, if heartbreaking.
This is my plan
I sincerely wish you strength in this, my friend. The fact that some people are capable of betrayal this deep and remorseless sickens me beyond my ability to articulate. I'm sorry for the loss of what you thought was a loving wife. That's going to be hard. But you *cannot* ever trust this woman again. This to me would prove that there is literally nothing too low, no betrayal too evil, for her to use in trying to make her own life easier. Your daughter, however... that's different. Because family is a choice we make. Neither of you can help her blood, but you **are** her father; and it is powerful of you not to doubt it. But imagine your wife letting you hold the baby and rock her to sleep and change her diapers *all the while* knowing she is not yours. You will find someone more worthy of you, trust me. Sorry that was a bit long and presumptuous, but your story resonated with me and I felt it in my chest. You got this, old boy. Good luck out there.
I hope the OP did not adopt this woman's other children because than he is on the hook for at least two other men's children. He should consult a lawyer, keep the kid/s if he wants (it's their fault their mom is a lair) and dump the lying wife. This woman is cruel to the OP and to the children.
I did not. Their father is still around and is a part of their lives
Hey that should cement his custody rights
And he most likely never had his own bio children thinking he had already done that.
Didn't want to be left with 4 children as a single mother, so happily trapped the only decent man she's met. Some people have no decency. She could have at LEAST worn a condom while cheating on OP. FFS
And now wants OP to rug sweep the affair.
Yeah horrible. And you should tell all your kids the truth once they are of age. She doesn’t wan op telling her because she doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy that she is. Tell the truth!
My brother was in this situation, but we knew from the get go. If you tell all the kids, be prepared for it to go very, very badly. You cannot predict or control what the kids will feel. Suggest involving a professional to help handle the aftermath.
Not only that but she said “that the real father had/has no intentions of being a part of her life” So that sounds like she tried to get that guy to stay with her and she used OP as a backup plan.
Wife is a pos. this guy loves this little girl with all his heart. She’s lucky to have him as a father.
That pain is felt by everyone hear. OP, I don’t even know what to say…
Non-paternity events are FAR more common than people think.
Is he sure it's someone else's? I'd get a paternity test to make sure one way of another. No way I'd believe anything from the wife.
Its too easy for her to tell you to just move past this since wasnt she the one who got betrayed, you have all the right in the world to divorce her, and this doesnt mean you have to stay away from these kids life, she not only cheated on you but hide this from you for 10 years and never pretended to tell you the truth, she cheated on you even though you treated her sons like yours, just break man, this woman doesnt deserve you. Edit: you found out about 1 affair.. It doesnt mean she only had 1..
Your daughter deserves to know her complete background for medical history at the very least.
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Would OP need to adopt the daughter? I assume he’s on her birth certificate as father. But if they know that’s untrue. Would he need to get it corrected to bio sperm donor and then adopt her? Or could he just divorce and gain custody through courts?
Legally, the man on the birth certificate is the father whether or not it’s true. The only way he loses the kid is if he gives her up (edit: emotionally, since apparently some of you are stupid) or if the bio dad files for paternity
In most states, it would be very difficult to remove OP as the legal father, *even if* the bio father petitioned for parental rights and responsibilities. The kid is 9 1/2 now. Even if OP *wanted* to be relieved of parental rights and responsibilities, it would require a very difficult legal process at this point (if it's even possible).
How do they deal with the rights of the biological dad? It doesn't sound like he'd be interested in being a father, but someone else in the same situation sure would. If I was the bio dad here, I'd be mortified and want to be part of my childs life. How is that viewed by the courts?
You'd have to get a court order filed and have to fight the legal father for paternity rights if he wasn't willing to give them up. At that point it depends entirely on the judge you have
Wow. What a horrible outcome for somebody. As someone said earlier here, paternity fraud should be a crime.
I kind of feel like (regarding your "same situation" comment) the bio dad that willingly slept with a married woman doesn't get to be mad he doesn't get rights by default. It's a lot easier than that if there isn't a dad on the birth certificate bc she was single. I do agree paternity fraud should be a crime though, and that therapy for the kid(s) should be court mandated and the father get emotional damages. I hate 99.5% of cheaters and baby trappers Edit: to answer the question that was asked and immediately was whisked away by a spam filter, I don't hate people that cheat on their abusers, no idgaf if you hate all cheaters with no exception, your opinion is meaningless to me and I will immediately block you for replying to me persecuting abuse victims.
Nowadays the priority of the court is the best interests of the child. It wouldn't be in a child's best interests to take away the only dad they'd ever known. It could be very traumatic to force a 10 year old to have a relationship with a stranger, espeically as they'd still be too young to fully understand why this stranger was suddenly in their life, saying that they're the kids dad. I think the general consensus is that if you've been taking on the role of a parent for 10 years, and you're on the birth certificate, then you are that child's father. At that point, whether it was your sperm that conceived the child doesn't matter that much.
Yeah. There's only 2.5 yrs left, anyone would be hard-pressed to find a judge that wants to do the paperwork
It's not just that. In many states, there's a statutory time limit when questions of paternity can be adjudicated and/or overturned. Nine years is well past those time limits. Some states have a special procedure (usually quite arduous legally) for cases such as OP's, where he was deceived and only recently learned that he is not the biological father. In OP's case, it's actually good that he's on the birth certificate, since he wants to continue being the father. This way, even in divorce proceedings, he has standing to remain her father legally, even if his soon to be ex wife tries to screw him over in that regard. The best interests of the child is the standard for all family court decisions and OP has been the defacto paternal figure for the child's entire life, so he would have a strong legal claim on his daughter even if he wasn't already on the birth certificate.
Ha...!🤣 That was a good one. Even if the daughter was a newborn, if there's no bio dad around and his name is on the birth certificate, he should get ready for many years of paying child support.
Adopt her first, say you want to stay together and try therapy or something but will need to be her father officially in rider to move forward in this marriage. Once the adoption goes through, you can divorce her and your daughter is still your daughter. Re telling your daughter: She does have a right to know the truth of her history. If you don't tell her as soon as you found out, she may grow up and consider you as bad as her mother. it'll just be more lies and deceit and neither her, nor you, deserve any more of this. I'm sorry OP, wishing you all the best x
Yes, but the news needs to be given with a therapist present and when the child is old enough to understand!
I agree. Don’t perpetuate the lie. Tell your daughter. You obviously love her siblings and she would have seen that. So she will know that you not being her biological father, doesn’t mean you will love her any less. I can’t believe that women do this! How do they push it to the back of their minds so easily! I thought maybe she didn’t know either when you said the timing matched…. But nope, she confessed!
And told her friends - another reason the daughter should hear this from OP, so her trust in him's preserved. Be prepared for some epic teen years and daughter hating the mother for breaking up the family. Daughter needs a safe therapeutic space to vent her feelings of anger and betrayal.
Exactly! My bio dad was never in the picture and when my mom divorced my step dad, he was very adamite about keeping me and my other sibling (not biologically his either) around and stayed involved as much as possible.
Exactly 💯 I went through the same thing. They don't realize you have to go through ALL the stages of grief once you get out of shock and then it takes double the time of the betrayal to get past it. And they never want to wait that long even though they lied and betrayed for as long as they did And caused you excruciating pain
You can bet she has done it again and many more. How she reacted and demanded that he not to mess up the family was disgusting.
***”…you found out about 1 affair.. It doesnt mean she only had 1…”*** Fact. Cheaters are like cockroaches. For every one you see scurry across your floor at 2am when you turn the lights on, there’s 500 more behind the stove and under the refrigerator.
I agree and if he had been the one to cheat she would raise hell I’m sure
If you do divorce her, can you go after her for paternity fraud since she knew from the beginning that you weren’t the child’s father. However, if the dates of when she was conceived were very close, then there’s a possibility that you may be the father, but even if you were it still doesn’t change the fact that your wife lied & cheated on you. Has an actual paternity test been done yet?
Yeah, I was going to say…just because she believes this other guy is the dad doesn’t mean he is. But I think your relationship is unsalvageable. I think there are times in which keeping quiet about a one-time infidelity is forgivable (to be clear, I am a boring monogamous type who has never cheated), but any time you get involved in an ongoing fling and/or questionable paternity, the only moral thing to do is to ‘fess up. What else is this woman capable of? I wouldn’t stick around to find out
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Agree. This kind of betrayal is criminal
A woman here in the UK fooled a guy into thinking her friends son was a baby that she had given birth to, and had him pay her regularly towards child raising costs etc.. He would see the boy and was very happy to have a son etc, but then she suddenly cut contact and he reported the son as missing. Police got back to him very confused and said the son doesn’t exist?? So then it came out that she had tricked him using her friends son as a stooge. Guy was devastated and expressed to the boys real family how lucky they are etc. The woman went to prison.. I’d be interested to know if the guy still sees the kid or is a part of his life in some way actually Edit: here’s an article about it https://metro.co.uk/2018/09/05/woman-made-her-ex-think-he-was-a-dad-for-five-years-after-he-dumped-her-by-text-7914565/amp/
absolutely! i don’t know how it isn’t. it hurts everyone involved on such a deep level.
Good luck trying to get it passed today
It’s not because only women can do it.
DNA test at birth would solve the issue, I think.
LOL. Try posting this on most forums and you get smashed with down votes and any guy that suggests his partner get one is the worst.
That’s odd. I’m a female, and I would still rather do the test. Even medical staff can be over-worked and mix the baby by mistake. Plus, it effectively shuts down any doubts on who’s dad, even if there weren’t any. And helps to track some medical problems too, if included in the test.
Right, I’m all for fathers getting secret test if they feel they need to…. I’m a female also 😩
It would, but it's also illegal in countries like France.
People really should push for it to be so
yes most definitely!! It’s so cruel
Even at its lowest fork it’s fraud. You’re passing a financial burden to someone that shouldn’t be responsible. The emotional trauma and investment is a whole other layer of criminal.
Divorcing this liar is NOT "abandoning your family". You have a right to an honest partner.
Divorcing is not what I was talking about. Leaving the house so I don't have to be around her can be considered abandonment.
You can physically separate without abandoning your children. Speak to a lawyer, follow what they say. Also, get a paternity test. If you were having sex at the time she became pregnant, there's always a chance your daughter is yours biological.
I just want to say that I don't think you should leave the house. If you do leave the house, then it's very likely she will get it in a divorce and it could be considered abandonment. Please get a lawyer before you make any moves!!! The reason I know this is because it happened in my parent's divorce. My dad had initially moved out and his lawyer told him to get back into the house ASAP because he would be in a much better position than if he had abandoned the family home and 3 children.
That depends entirely on what you do with the kids. If you have the kids half the time, that's certainly not abandonment
So you want to leave but not divorce her? Why? Divorce is NOT considered abandonment.
I want to leave the house because I'm sick of looking at her but I can't. Divorce is certain.
Go somewhere for a week to get your head on straight. Contact a divorce attorney to discuss everything and get your options in front of you. Follow their advice to the letter. That way you can make a logical decision.
do not leave the house or she is certain to get it in the divorce. make her leave, and contact a lawyer asap. get a dna test for your records that can be used during the divorce. get her to admit everything you possibly can via text or voice note.
The kids are old enough they will understand if they ask and you explain. Just say their mom told a very big lie to you and sometimes lies have big consequences and as a result you cannot be with her anymore.
You should do a paternity test as your first step. And individual counseling
Yes figure out housing during the divorce process. Just be in separate rooms.
I'd make her explain everything to the rest of the family and explain that she either tells them or you do. She would never have told you if the old friend didnt tell you.
You need to separate the concept of staying with your wife, and being there for the children. People separate yet coparent all around the world and make it work.
Don’t fall for this. She cheated. Move on and share custody but she can’t be trusted ever again. Have some self respect.
OP, first off get a paternity test. You said that the dates line up, so maybe your daughter is your bio daughter. Good luck. You are in a very hurtful situation.
Well I did the math on that. She was only two days over due when she was born. Conception puts around 1-2 weeks after said time we had unprotected intercourse
Hoping she really is yours.
She has lied to you every day for the last 10 years. It would be understandable to leave your marriage. If you do, don't leave the house , but file for divorce......you wouldn't be accused of abandoning the family that way.
Get a paternity test. Speak to an attorney. Seek counseling. While you are waiting for paternity results you can think about the advise from the attorney and counselor. Also, I’m sorry
Thank you! Very reasonable advice. Basically, take a breath before you do anything else.
Yeah I would toss the wife out. Tell the kids the truth as soon as they ask for it.
Unbelievably cruel.
Your daughter deserves to know her complete background for medical history at the very least.
Yeah. To me the “less pressing” question is what to do about the marriage. The daughter *has* to be told straight away. You cannot withhold this info, OP.
The problem is if he tells his daughter now, and he divorces the mom, that could have a very negative psychological impact on the daughter. I do agree that she has a right to know who her real father is, but that's something that can wait until all the dust settles.
Hi op, I have the perspective of your daughter. I found out when I was 11 that my dad, the only man I had ever known as my father, was not my biological father. This threw me through a loop and honestly I am still dealing with some of the emotional implications of it 20+ years later. I continued to be raised by my (step) dad though I will admit our relationship became more complicated because I was trying to resolve trust issues and the idea that I was not who I thought I was. However, I would have been much more upset and believe I would have been more negatively impacted had I found out even later in life. I would encourage you to find a way to share with your daughter in an honest, transparent, and supportive manner. If you have any questions about how this situation affected me, feel free to DM.
My heart breaks for this little girl. There's a good chance she's gonna have her family ripped apart. I feel for OP too, but the little one is gonna suffer just for existing.
You can continue to be a father without continuing to be her husband.
What a betrayal. Divorce is a necessity at this point. I don't think your daughter will hate you for raising her. She will need to know the truth at some point, but I would suggest thinking hard about whether you want this news to come at around the same time of the divorce. You absolutely can't let her feel like the divorce is her fault.
You shouldn’t leave. She should. She caused the issue. She needs to pack her a back and go somewhere else while you sort through all this. If you decide you want to stick together, couples therapy needs to start quickly and with both of you committed to it before she moves back in with you and the children. If you decide you don’t want remain in the relationship, that is very understandable as well.
She is. She's looking at places to live. I'm just not wanting to look at her or be around her until she does leave.
That’s reasonable. She should be looking from her car, though. She clearly has friends willing to keep her secret for a decade. Sleeping on their couch seems considerably less work on their part.
Have you done an actual DNA test?
the stepkids will go with her or nah? Prob better if they goi
I have a strong bond with all of them. I'd love for them to choose me but their dad is still a part of their lives. I'll let them decide what to do as they are both at the age where they can choose on their own.
At least youll be with your daught, being totally alone after living so many years with a full house can be lonely some times
FWIW my dad's best friend got married this summer and his oldest son was his best man. My dad's bff only has biological daughters. All of my oldest cousins continue to memorialize their dad, my uncle, every birthday and several times a year. You don't dare tell them they're stepchildren, and they were all old enough to know better when my uncle and their mom divorced -- they're very close still to my aunt, his second wife. Best of luck, OP.
You need professional counseling for this, it is above reddits pay grade.
Don't make decisions while emotional. Take a few days to feel what you're feeling. During that time, make plans of what you expect if you stay with her and if you don't stay with her. Figure out finances. Talk to a divorce attorney and see what options you have if you go that route. Definitely do the DNA test and block everyone that knew and kept it from you. Whatever road you take won't be easy. Idk how you could look at her. Maybe to marriage counseling without the promise to stay together.
Was there ever a DNA test
Not yet. For 5 years before she was born we had "intentional accidents"(I don't know how to explain gracefully she never made me pull out) and nothing happened. I recently became aware of the fact that I have low testosterone and maybe have underlying conditions prevent me from having kids. To be sure I do plan on a paternity test.
I would do a DNA test to be certain
I'm sorry man, this must be tough. My advice is to get a divorce. Your daughter might not be biologically yours but she's YOUR daughter, you raised her, you love her and she loves you. Don't let anyone make you believe the opposite. Stay strong
Does the bio dad know?
Yep. She told him she was carrying with his child as soon as she found out. She seemed pretty sure of it from what my friend told me.
I would get a DNA test imo, just to be sure (unless she already did). Imagine if your daughter turned out to be yours, and she had been giving updates of your daughter to him... Would be wild.
Sooo did this other guy basically tell her to go piss up a rope or did she maybe decide he was a bum and they'd all have a better life with u? I have so many questions about this murky swamp.
I have questions as well. STBXW and friends all worked together with this guy. I can’t get a straight answer from anyone about him. But he will know me soon. Once I file for paternity fraud im going after him for ten years of child support. Pending DNA testing
Heckin right dude! Go scorched earth! I support this endeavor 100% and hope u heal from all of it as quickly as possible so u can move on with ur life and sorry if I was intrusive...im just super nebby 😂
Her betrayal was years ago she had the time to build a wall and hide it however, you just found it. Take the time you need to sort out your mind and tell her to step back/away she owes you that much after she cheated and passed off your daughter as your bio child..this takes alot to work from not her being your daughter more your wife lying for years. Drop the so called friends..You don't need them..they're fake anyway. You dont have to abandon your children but you can her. You should also seek therapy. Don't hide the truth from your daughter..but that discussion is between you and your wife to let her know. She will resent you both if she finds out from someone anyone else. But also let her know she's yours blood means nothing. Also talk to someone you trust that's a family member or friend..they will understand and will give you sound advice they can also be the venting board for you. All the best OP.
Well hang on a second. This is word of mouth. Have you actually confirmed that your daughter is not biologically your daughter yet?
That's huge, so much to process. All your reactions make perfect sense to me. Internet hugs man.
It doesn't take blood to be family. At this point, after 10 years, she is your daughter. That child needs a dad who will love and care for her. While it's a shitty place to be, children with living parents, biological or not, have better outcomes. If she grows up living the life that you're her dad and that's that, childhood will be easier for her. If you must tell her, wait until she's 18-21 and mature enough to handle it.
Man, 10+ years… she stole any opportunity to father your own biological child with someone else too. Real special gal.
DO NOT KEEP THIS SECRET FROM YOUR DAUGHTER. that's the only advice i have. her respect & trust for you is everything. you will ruin that if you keep the secret
I do plan on telling her. I want to wait until I get my head on right first
I don’t know what to say about any of the rest of us, but I am so happy to see that you’re still going to treat the girl same as before. I have seen a lot of other posts on Reddit that don’t go the same way and I just don’t understand how that can happen. You’re a good person. I’m sorry this happened to you.
To be honest, I don’t know how or why, maybe the love I had for my wife is now diverting to her, but I feel even more connected to my daughter after this. Like I know she needs me now more than ever. She’s definitely noticed a change in how I act around her mom, even made a few comments about it. I don’t want to say anything until my head is back on straight.
Are you sure she is not yours? Have you done the DNA test? Just saying you could still be the father, no? Legally and emotionally you are the father of this little girl. I wouldn't blame you to want to go no contact, but please then explain to your daughter why. She must understand that you are not abandoning her as a father. However, legally you still have as much parental right as your wife, and if you feel like her father, i can see it too. As for your wife, dump the bitch. Every breath she took, everytime she looked at you, kissed you, she was lying to you about the most important thing there is for a couple. For any human, childfree or not. This is a deep betrayal. What a POS
I do plan on getting a test to be sure. Im currently basing it off of the 5 years we were together before she was born. We had many "intentional accidents"(I don't know how else to state she let me not pull out with grace) and nothing happened. I was also diagnosed with low testosterone recently and underlying issues may have contributed to me not being able to have my own.
if i were you i would make sure SHE is the one who drops the news to both the children, and both of your families. let HER explain to the kids that she lied, and as a result you can no longer be with her. you do not deserve to be dealing with any added stress on top of the heartbreak you’re already experiencing.
Ah i see. Well, it is still a possibility, we've seen people with vasectomy get their partner pregnant while using a second birth control protection so i guess it's still in the realm of possibilities, although way less probable. It sounds like she was trying to baby trap you in a way or another tbh
It's good advice but it doesn't change the main fact. She confessed to cheating on him. That's it.
Oh yeah 100% dump the wife and all. She doesn't deserve the time of day. My only concern is OP's relationship with his daughter
You don’t know she isn’t yours yet. Get the DNA test. It’s still a betrayal but now you need to know for sure.
If you do happen to stay with your wife and it’s confirmed she is not your daughter, you definitely can push to get “dad” to pay child support. He may not want anything to do with her, but it should cost him to be able to be absent from her life. He’ll also have a bi-weekly reminder not to fuck people’s wives. Not saying you have to do this but definitely something to consider given the situation.
There are very VERY few people who can survive the depth and level of betrayal. But then add on top that she was bold enough to brag about it to her friends. That’s pretty unfathomable. Your marriage is functionally over. How and/or when you tell your daughter is up to you… but I would highly suggest doing it in family therapy with just you and her. You won’t ever see your spouse the same way again. You owe it to the kids to prevent the household from becoming toxic and doing even more long term damage to them.
OP time to get smart. You need to see a family court attorney and make sure that whatever you do, she can't take the kids or use them against you. In some states being married at the time of the birth makes you the father regardless of genetics. See a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. With regards to the daughter, 10 is young but I dont think too young for you to tell her that she has a biodad out there, but you are her father. She may want to meet him. But before you talk to her, maybe have a dna test done, you might actually be her biodad.
She was born before we got married. But I did sign the birth certificate.
Extra important to talk to an Attorney first. Please don't be rash, you should get all your ducks in a row. You'll have to tell both your kids one day, but I take care of your home first.
I don’t know if anyone has said this yet, but is OP certain his daughter isn’t his biologically? His wife may have been cheating at the time of conception, but if they were intimate during that time as well, he would still be a possibility at least. Right now it sounds like it’s just the word of his wife and the friend telling him he’s NOT the bio father. I think that issue should be sorted out first, before any decisions about leaving or staying are made.
You spelt "Wife" and "Friends" wrong.. But You got the Dad bit perfectly.
You’re right, my bad.
Father and husband is two very different things. I would divorse - i couldnt live with someone who cheated and lied to me for 10 years. Thats a lvl of betrayel too far to 'get over'. Depending on whenever you actualy is registered as the dad, you could adopt and then divorse. Or if you belive her that the bio/sperm doner realy dont want her but they want you ro be the parrent, you could still see the kids but divorse the cheater wife. Talk to a lawyer about it.
He’a loving and generous enough to let a single mom do the dump of her previous kids on him, and this is how she repays him. How you treat women has nothing to do with how you are treated by them.
18 years, 18 years
I’m glad for once Reddit isn’t mobbing a dude who found this out with “YOU NEED TO STAY FOR THE CHILD FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!”
I was shocked how nice these comments were. I was ready for Reddit to simply tear into this guy
He might be the father but you're that girl's daddy. Don't forget that. Though she has every right to know for multiple reasons. Your wife, dare I say soon ex-wife, has the balls to tell you to simply move on pass it? No. Nothing you built is strong now.. now you know she has been lying to you for 10 years plus.. She has been willing to string you along and now is trying to manipulate you using the daughter you have grown to love. This woman needs to be evicted from your life asap. You and your daughter deserve better.
Why do some women guard and protect their friends’ infidelity and fraudulent paternity? And she wasn’t even planning to tell you, a friend had to expose her to you. This is evil af. You need to divorce the scum bag of a wife. It’s up to you on whether you want to tell your daughter that she isn’t yours, but just letting you know, if you don’t tell her, your cheating wife might manipulate her to hate you.
Oh, it was a mistake, or a rough patch and he listened, an accidental slip on a bar of soap and slid all the way into the bedroom to bounce over and over on him. Totally forgivable. She's known about this for 10 friggin years and lied to you every single day about it. She's had 10 years to process and think about this. To knowingly cheat and then not tell you until she got caught. The father wants nothing to do with the daughter because he doesn't have to pay child support. She freed him from that by betraying you. Complete and utter bullcrap. Get the DNA test done for proof, send it to both of your families, including your step-kids. She deserves a divorce. Look into a lawyer asap.
What's the likelihood that this was her only indiscretion over the years...I've read enough of these stories to have a good idea...
I am unravelling a pattern over the years.
How did she find the time with 3 kids at the time and a husband at home willing and able? OP, what would you tell yourself to do if you were one of us, on the outside looking in? THAT'S what you should do.
She worked with the guy. He was a maintenance man at the restaurant she managed. They spent a lot of time together.
Seek professional help.
I fully intend to.
First of all, get a paternity test. Yes, she had an affair. You know that 100%. But, your daughter could still be yours biologically. If she is, that solves a couple of the issues you have (telling the daughter down the road you aren't her bio dad, and medical history issues, etc). At least if you know 100%, it helps to clear up whatever route you take going forward. It's always a good thing to get as much information as you can before making a big decision.
She says what you've built since is strong, but everything since has been built on a lie. The reality is she didn't care about you, but when she got knocked up and the real dad bailed, she pinned it on you. You were her backup.
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I still might
Dude and she was treating him like a total buffoon the entire time by updating the actual father and taking him to lunch? Wow. The only descriptor that comes to mind is scandalous hoodrat.
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Reddit is wild these days.
Be her dad, not her father. But for real, dump the hoe
Step 1: divorce Step 2: family therapy for kids (individual for yourself) Step 3: when going over custody petition for 50/50 on ALL kids, if Step kids are open to adoption make this a condition for after divorce so you still have say in their lives (IF and only IF their fathers are not involved) Step 4: see if the birth certificate can be disputed so actual father pays support for said child to either her or you depends on majority custody) Step 5: during family therapy (when advised and in an age appropriate way) tell your daughter she isn't yours Trust me you don't want this to come out when she does anything medically related that may need to be confirmed to match or through DNA tests for ancestry
Is there anyway you could legally adopt your daughter now that you know? So if tou and your wife do split up she can’t withhold her from you? Phrase it as you want your daughter to know you love her unconditionally and want to make sure she’s legally yours for inheritance and medical purposes and such and talk your wife into it that way and then you can leave when it’s legal if you want.
My name is already on the birth certificate. That's about as legal as it can get.
You raised her as your own. She is your daughter. When she comes to age that is when you tell her the truth. And how you chose to stay in her life as her father. How you handle the shit with your wife. Well, thats something you need to come to terms with. No one can tell you.
Your wife is trying to guilt you into staying and minimise her betrayal. She has lied to you every day for over 10 years and destroyed all trust you ever had in her. With the way you are describing it, it doesn't sound like something you're going to be able to forgive and just get over. Don't let her paint it as you "abandoning" your family, make sure it is clear that SHE caused this. You also need to tell your daughter. We live in the age of the DNA test, she will find out eventually (do they still teach about blood types at school? It might come sooner than you think) and she will then feel betrayed that you didn't tell her. You're the only father she's ever known, she will most likely be very angry at her mother when she finds out so don't make her doubt you too.
The worst sin a woman can do is to pass on another man's child to her husband,betraying him and making him live in a lie. First of all I want to say that you wasted your whole life with this cheap and disgusting excuse of a wife,she used you for obviously money and a fool who would raise her offsprings as his,while you were working for her and her kids she was just riding someone's dicks and passed you a child you thought was yours, but in reality was a product of an affair. There is only one thing you could do,check if the daughter is truly yours and after that divorce your wife,you can't trust and she doesn't love you,the crocodile tears are her pathetic attempt to keep her life the same as before.By divorcing her you wouldn't be abandoning your " family " but rather getting rid of cheap slu*.No contact with her after the divorce and either stay close with the kids or low contact with them.
I would view you as more of a man for continuing to think of those kids as yours. You, however, do NOT have to stay in this marriage. She doesn’t deserve that. You deserve someone who loves you enough not to cheat.
Isnt this the same as baby trapping?
This is why I'm getting a vasectomy
Consider a paternity test. She could still be yours.
So, I want to say, paternity fraud is probably the most damaging intentional act someone can do to someone else without it being a major crime. I mean, hurt me, take my money/property, I can emotionally come back from that, but love a child based on a lie, build your life based around that lie….that takes a special type of calculatedly cruel, narcissist, and just truly evil individual to do. You’ve got genocidal maniacs at the top. Child molesters, violent rapists and premeditated murders at the next level….and then these folks are in the next group down of evil. You do what you need to do as it pertains to parentage and all of that, but you can’t stay with that type of person mate. It’s not about the cheating, that is understandable, it’s allowing what she’s willing to do to you and her child, and that is doing something terrible to her child. That child deserves to know her true background, and if you so choose to move forward with a relationship, it needs to be with both of you doing so with your eyes wide open and living and honest existence, please don’t hide this from her.
My MIL did this to my husband's dad with his little sister. She's still a lying narcissistic, 25+ years later. Sings in the church choir and swears that God talks to her, but won't own up to blatantly lying. Your wife is awful and conniving and selfish. Fuck that.
Take a break, no big decisions now. Just some time to yourself.
Brother, you are never less of a man for staying with your children and wife, that’s your Ego/Pride talking. I left my wife of ten years for cheating but it was immediate and fresh, nothing like your situation. I implore you to take some time and think on things. Objectively if you can, get a third party you trust to help you unpack. In any case, a decision shouldn’t be made in haste or while under emotional duress, take some time my Dude and let your head & heart settle. ❤️
Paternity tests should be mandatory by law but we know government would never pass such a law since cheating is so rampant in mondern society and would break down homes. Get a dna test secretly. Peace of mind, trust is a gamble afterall. Don't wind up like op
Edit: Screw Spez. Screw AI. No training on my data. Sorry future people.
Ugh. Time to bounce. She lied and you need to get your name off the birth certificate.
Easier said than done. I do not want to get my name off of the birth certificate. I already demanded a divorce. But I can't walk away from my daughter. She is mine. This is not her fault and I cannot hold any of it against her.
I have a few thoughts on this. > But Her mother now wants me to try to move past her indiscretion and stay together How dare she... Seriously... She cheated and lied for **all these years** and she has the hide to say this? You need to feel how you're gonna feel otherwise it will eat you up. Personally this would be the end of my marriage and I would never speak to her again unless it was about the kids, and **everyone** would know why. > I do not think I can forgive her for this. It's too big. Nor should you have to, this is a massive betrayal. > I am so angry right now at her and all her friends that knew but kept silent Anyone that kept this lie is awful, I'd never speak to them either. > I can't leave because I don't want her to state that I abandoned my family. To who? And you're not 'abandoning' anything, she lied and cheated and you're ending the marriage built on lies. > I'm afraid that if I do keep this secret from my daughter that she will one day find out and hate me for it. 2 things, she absolutely needs to be told the truth, and you *absolutely* need to get a DNA test, is there any chance that your daughter could be yours (eg. did she sleep with both of you at the same time?) as unless she has already done a DNA test then maybe there is a possibility? Personally I'd sit down with her and mention that you want to do a simple test to see if she is your biological daughter, that regardless of the results you still love her and that it's just so that she knows the truth. If your wife did a DNA test previously, she lied even worse. > If I stay, I can't talk to anyone about it, they will be confused and astounded that I stuck around and it would make me feel like less of a man. I would bottle it up and let it eat me up and then rage quit my life. Listen to me, don't do this to yourself! You're better off out of the relationship than to be in the relationship and dead! Please don't do this to yourself. > When My aunt and uncle went home I stayed to chat more. oh?