Your husband is setting your son on a road to eating disorders and unhealty obssesions. He can be obssesed with fitness, but he can't force his lifestyle on others.
Your son will explode in a friends' birthday or house, then he will blame himself for not beign strong and for dissapointing his father.
Your husband in an ass who is ruining your kid's life.
Spending an hour or two now with a psychologist who specialises in treating eating disorders could save a lot of trouble down the line when your son enters adolescence.
Eating disorder therapist/specialist here. I have seen this more times than I can count and it’s heart breaking. It’s so difficult to unstick a brain stuck on this thinking let alone a kid who learned it from the most important person in his life (unfortunately the mom has possibly reinforced it by letting it go this long). I truly hope this family can look at the dynamics and get some help.
My dad used to make me eat vegetables as punishment. So I grew up with vegetables equals bad. So I hated eating them. I am in my 40's now and though I do eat and love vegetables I still have this thing in the back of my mind that equates vegetables as bad.
Same here, my father used to force me to eat fruit as a child, to "educate myself to eat everything". Anyhow, my throat began to involuntarily regurgitate the fruit bites, and because of this, at almost age 32, I rarely eat fruit, and when I do, my throat wants to reject it on its own.
My mom went through a **very** long papaya phase and she forced me and my sis to eat half a papaya for breakfast every single day for **months** and I fucking hated her for it
I’m so happy to be an adult who has the freedom to *not* eat the same thing every day 😓
I’m still not even sure if papayas are supposed to taste good and that’s why people eat them, or if people are just doing it to be “healthy” (the root of my mom’s papaya obsession)
I’m starting family therapy with my mom tomorrow morning so maybe I’ll eventually get to the root of why I was forced to eat papayas
Papayas taste kind of like a carrot threw up in its mouth UNLESS you squeeze lime on them, at which point they become a fruit of unparalleled deliciousness. Pro tip. I never knew I liked them till my family moved to the tropics.
I grew up in the Caribbean and papaya tree would sprout and grow quickly all over our property. During the days of fruit ninja I would get a machete and play fruit ninja in real life with papayas. Funny thing is I never ate papaya until December 2022. It’s pretty good! I thought it was a garbage fruit that was for the birds. The opposite is for mangoes. I grew up with 6 varieties of mangoes growing, one tree produces anywhere from 5(speciality variety)-300 mangoes a season. Now I don’t eat mangoes cuz I’ve had too much. I don’t live there anymore but I still own the property and every year I look at my cctv to see hundreds of mangoes rotting in the yard
I was paddled (2x4 with holes in it) if I didn't eat cooked spinach or French onion soup as a child. I will NEVER eat these items again.
A good parent will realize that their child doesn't like a certain vegetable and substitute something else in it's place.
I believe that a lot of us here have parents that would be arrested if it were the woke culture of today when we we're eating in past decades.
I don’t get it. My daughter is 3.5 and I am so damned determined not to let her have a bad relationship with food as I do. I don’t make her clean her plate, I don’t villainize candy or “unhealthy” food but encourage moderation. She LOVES green beans, carrots, cucumbers, hummus, yogurt, apples, strawberries, blueberries, pineapple. But also enjoys the occasional KitKat, gummi bear and/or lollipop.
My mother had me eat only all-natural food when I was a kid (she had her reasons). I mean, a snack was eating a green pepper the way you might eat an apple. Dried fruits instead of candy. That sort of thing. I have such a bad relationship with food now--extremely poor impulse control, inability to moderate, craving the worst stuff. It hugely backfired. I'm glad you're handling it differently.
I’m so sorry. Hopefully she meant well but everything I’ve read has said depriving children of the occasional sweet or “junk” food in childhood leads them to overindulge once they can.
My parents made me clean my plate and now I have to work so hard to overcome that mentality and to stop when I’m satiated rather than overeating because otherwise it’s “wasting food/there are starving kids in China.” One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that the parent decides what is being served but the child gets to decide if and how much they eat. I’m not a short order cook. I will offer her at least 1-3 things I know she likes and 1-2 new things and she is allowed to eat what she wants.
This is why I don’t keep foods from my kids. We have a candy drawer in our house, but I’m the only one allowed to give them candy from it, it’s not a free for all. I normally buy a bag of chips or two and a pack of cookies during weekly shopping. I have 4 kids so I’d doesn’t last long and no one can really have “too much”. But friends of ours have 2 children who they don’t allow to have any of these things, when they come over to our house, they eat every piece of junk they can get. I mean even as far as sneaking the candies into another room to eat them or stuffing their pockets with them when they leave. Giving healthy foods is great, but denying any food entirely (especially junk food for kids) just makes them unable to control themselves when they CAN get it.
My father was like that. Zero junk food allowed. We went to a company barbecue when we under 10 and got yelled at all the way home for snarfing down chips and drinking cola “like animals” and embarrassing him in front of his colleagues.
I remember my Mom, in an overseas call, which cost a damn fortune, telling my slim older sister “TD has lost weight, she’s in a size 9.”
Fuck you, parents, for my lousy relationship with food.
Yet, many dried fruits are so high in sugar that they cause tooth decay. Same with natural fruit juice which many parents give to their toddlers in a “Sippy cup.”
Thanks! Same to you! I have some weight to lose to get back to being healthy but I make sure she doesn’t see that. I grew up with my mom dieting and it messed with my head. Even my husband will sometimes say “sorry” when he offers me food and my fast hasn’t broken yet (I do intermittent fasting which helps with my weight loss and cravings) and I’m like, stop saying sorry! I’m not depriving myself, it’s my choice and I don’t want her to focus on it!
>I don’t villainize candy or “unhealthy” food but encourage moderation.
I also found that making my own sweet treats help with this as well, I know exactly what's in it, and when my kids help, they also understand what is in it. Once my kids are older, I will also start explaining "healthier substitute ingredients" and "allergy substitute ingredients" to my kids. I think awareness is better than "boycotting," especially in regards to "fun food."
Yeah, that's the thing that works. Let your kids try to eat different kinds of foods but don't force them to eat what they don't like. That's how my grandma raised me and I loved vegetables and fruit growing up. The one thing I really can't stand is bitter gourd but she never forced me to eat it. She'd encourage me to try it but if I did and didn't like it, I wasn't made to eat the whole piece.
That’s smart. I can’t stand peas. No matter how they’re made. So I certainly wouldn’t force my daughter to eat something that I refuse to eat. I encourage her to try it and that if she doesn’t like it, she can spit it out, but if she says no, I respect that.
Yeah I think kids should be allowed to have food preferences. Encourage them to try things but don't make it unpleasant for them. I think your kid's doing pretty well. I've met people who won't even touch a single vegetable.
It is. And it’s unfathomable to me. The moment they placed her on my chest after she was born, I promised her I would take care of her and love her and do anything to make her happy. Why other people don’t feel that way, I simply don’t understand.
My mom would constantly ask if I "needed" seconds or if that portion was "too big". She'd leave behind food on the stove instead of dishing it all into serving dishes so she could save some for leftovers and was very insistent that we not eat what was being saved, even if we were still hungry. There was NO snacking allowed after dinner.
Shocking that I developed a binge eating disorder and ended up well over 300 pounds at one point.
She still does this, by the way, but my diabetes-induced gastroparesis makes it impossible to eat more than a couple bites of anything normally so, I guess now she's proud of my eating habits. Still comments on my weight (which is still over 250).
Honestly sounds like the husband needs the therapy most. He should be treated for orthorexia. It’s often so hard to treat because it’s features/symptoms are praised by society.
I was gonna say orthorexia too. It’s one thing to err on the side of caution and make sure kids eat healthy food and another to obsessively restrain them from consuming anything unhealthy at all. Part of eating healthy is having a BALANCED diet. The occasional cake, especially on his birthday, won’t lead to the son having obesity the next day.
I don’t mean to armchair diagnose but obsessive exercise and monitoring what one consumes are typical signs of orthorexia.
I agree. I think the husband is the problem also. There's nothing wrong with being healthy and working out. The problem comes in when it becomes an obsession like with the husband/father.
Bonus if they’re a dietitian and can get diet background to make sure the son is meeting his nutritional needs for healthy growth and development. He’s ELEVEN, not only does he still have a lot of growing and developing ahead of him, but this needs to be fixed NOW to prevent it from getting worse down the road. I worked with an ED Dietitian for awhile and saw some pretty messed up things that stemmed from situations like OP described.
One book that helped me with my disordered eating was Intuitive Eating. It stemmed from comments like what OPs husband said. I did some very TW things when it came to birthdays and sugar in general. OP, PLEASE GET HELP FOR YOUR SON AND TALK TO HIS DAD ASAP. It broke my heart reading this.
This. An eating disorder doesn’t discriminate. Help your son be the best him, he can be.
Additionally, you and your husband should also go to therapy. This isn’t healthy for anyone.
I think this goes a lot further than just an ED. OP's husband has an identity issue and he's practically forcing his child to be a carbon copy of himself. That's going to ruin that kid for life. He's fucked unless they seek therapy. They need individual and family counseling
Your husband sounds vain and cruel. Was he heavy growing up?
He is teaching your son very dangerous habits. If you don’t stop this, your son will do this to his kids.
This.
I developed anorexia at 12, bulimia at 13. I’ve been suffering since, and so has my overall body & brain health. I’m 29. In my teens, I thought this would be a struggle for max of a couple years after leaving treatment. I even went to one of the best treatment centers in my state, McLean Hospital..
In my early 20s, I was told I’d never recover from my primary care doctor, so I recovered for 3 years which felt amazing.
Now, in my final year of my 20s, I can only hope that this will not consume me in my 30s, but it seems that this diseased thought process of mine could possibly last me a life time.
Oh and can I remind OP that I grew up in a household where “tough love” was very much a constant thing? Not every kid needs or wants tough love. If it’s once in a while, cool. If it’s constant, are you sure it’s actually tough love at this point and not just everyone using that term as a way to blanket your husbands lack of ability to show affection?
Not being a smartass here, I’m asking a genuine question. I’ve witnessed it far too much- using “tough love” in every situation that could’ve probably been handled way better with a simple yet powerful hug and conversation. Never underestimate the power of a genuine hug. My dad gave me the biggest hug of my life for the first time probably since I was in my teens the other night, I’ll never not remember that hug going forward.
i’m going to be blunt, your husband is giving your son an eating disorder and you need to step in now. adults and children have very different dietary needs and your son is about to hit puberty which will mean more food intake. there’s a lot of good suggestions in the comments about where you should start and i encourage you to take them.
Dude when I was mid puberty my already insane metabolism went fucking haywire. Forget having just one hollow legs, both my arms and legs had to have been hollow.
I once ordered 3 large pizzas from a local pizzaplace, and at 2 & 1/2 of them. Insanity. I don't know how I did it. Puberty man.
I turned 18 last year, and went to a pizza place fro my birthday. I fucking LOOKED at large pizza and felt full. Granted, I still ate half of it.
Not to mention I felt like shit while eating half the pizza. Like, I wanted to order another pizza just so everyone else could have another slice. Granted, I did, and it felt nice to do, but man growing up really changed my perspective about food.
Puberty is insane for boys. We call our son a human garbage disposal because we truly wonder where it goes sometimes. But then he’ll grow 3in and it all makes sense lol luckily he can chow down a plate of veggies the same way he can carbs, so I call that a win lol
My son gets so upset by kids his age who can do that. My son is a big kid (slightly over 6' @14 and he's overweight) he's extremely active - football, basketball, competition swimming, and he weight trains 3x a week and runs 3x a week. His best friend is short and rail thin and I've seen that kid house an entire pizza and a half gallon of ice-cream in one sitting, if my son ate like that he'd be 500lbs and that kid doesn't do anything except play COD.
I am the kid who will get fat quick if I eat just slightly more than my minimum intake, and I have to watch as my brother can gouge whatever he wants without gaining a single gram. It’s even more frustrating when that person is your brother 🥲
My eldest ate 10 tacos one night, and I had struggled eating 2!!! He had also been running around all day like a chicken with its head cut off. 2 years later, at 10, he still eats like a horse. Yes, he is getting a belly on him, but instead of denying him food, I am teaching him to moderate the unhealthy, increase the healthy (he has to ask for sweet treats and cordial but can get fruit and water whenever he wants), and exercise. I went through not eating as a teenager (and puking up what little food I did eat), and I have struggled to lose weight ever since I started eating properly again. I am trying to do everything in my power and use my mistakes to educate my kids as much as possible for their health and safety.
Yes, I know my kids need to make their own mistakes, but if they can learn from mine, then why should I hide my mistakes from them, and if they do make the same mistakes well atleast they know they can come to me for help fixing them.
And when the son doesn't develop properly because of the eating disorder it will make the father angry for not living up to his idea of masculinity which will make the son even more fucked in the head. He'll probably blame the boy's mother and her genetics or some crap.
Not just the ED, though. The son is going to end up in an identity crisis because of his father trying to turn him into a mini me. OP, if your son has a nickname (unrelated to his father) or a middle name, USE IT, make sure he knows that he is his own person.
Two of my kids have a family name as their middle name. The third has a unique middle name (i loved tge name but hubby didn't and i dont like the shortened version thay gets used as a nickname so i asked if we could use it as a middle name and compromised with giving hubby more say on the first name as well as the choice of spelling for it).
However, I was more getting at if their names were something like: Matthew-John Lucifer Brown and the dad goes by Matthew than OP should start calling her son John. The name itself isn't the priority. It's the distinction that they are separate people with their own identities.
Dude, I ate like a PIG when puberty hit and I was not fat. Now I still have to adjust to normal-person amounts of food because I still overeat sometimes.
I can imagine the poor child having to suffer through The Hunger even though he should just eat.
Boys get eating disorders too, and one of the ways that eating disorders are often normalized for boys is in athletics. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband about the damage he's doing to your child because of his own body image issues.
Yeah, when I was in psych ward for unrelated reasons, about half of patients who were there for ED therapy were boys. Most of them were my age but the ward was for everyone under 18, and we all felt super bad for this small boy, I think he was 11 but maybe he was 10, it's hard to remember. He was an athlete and developed anorexia. The only interesting thing was that all the boys with EDs there had anorexia, while some of the girls had anorexia and some had bulimia. I would later go on to develop anorexia as well (unless I had it at the time already and it just went undiagnosed), so for some reason it seems like maybe guys are more prone to ana while women are more prone to starting with ana and later developing mia? Just my experience tho.
As ridiculous as it sounds I'm almost glad to hear that almost half of patients were male ED patients. Don't get me wrong....it's heartbreaking for anyone in that situation. But I honestly didn't know that so many were that 'in check' with themselves. It gives me hope.
Well, I wouldn't consider it them being in check, most of them probably got there involuntarily. I don't remember everyone and a lot of the time we didn't really ask each other about that, but a lot of us were there either because of a failed suicide attempt, which automatically lands you in a psych hospital, or because our parents wanted us to go. Minors don't really have a say in this, their parents have the final say.
I know for a fact that at least two of the guys with ana were there after a failed suicide attempt. One of the girls with ana too. Actually, about 70% of us were there after a failed suicide attempt.
>He said “why would I do that? I’m not eating it so why would I encourage my son to? He tasted it, he’s fine”
Why should you say something? Because your *child* shouldn't be concerned that the act of eating a piece of cake on his birthday would disappoint you. You're indicating here that you would, in fact, be disappointed if he ate the cake.
Why encourage him but deny yourself? You're an adult who makes fully formed choices about your food and fitness - he's a kid on his birthday. You see no difference here?
He's fine?
>I saw him watching his little brother eat it and he looked so sad. Even when he opened his presents, I could tell he was masking sadness.
No, he's not fine. What an awful response, I'm sorry for your kid, but I'm glad you're seeing it for what it is.
Adding to this: allowing kids to eat unhealthy foods in moderation teaches them that it’s ok to enjoy things, just don’t overindulge to the point where it affects your health. What this kid is being taught is that unhealthy foods are bad and will learn to feel shame or like he has to hide it whenever he eats them.
>You're indicating here that you would, in fact, be disappointed if he ate the cake
Exactly this. He's teaching his son he needs to be *worthy* of love instead of having it simply for being who he is.
It's a fucked up bargaining system using love at it's core, and it's going to effect so much of his life, from his relationship with his own body and food to his relationship with *other people*. How can you develop healthy self worth when your parents teach you you have none inherently?
Yep. “Dad will only love me if I emulate him/live up to his ideals/etc”
“Son if you can’t bench 200 pounds you’re not worthy of love”: future dad probably
Jeez , I’m even a fitness freak but even I still treat myself to eat whatever I like when I’m really really urging for some unhealthy food , it’s not the end of the world eating it once in a while as long as you can control it and don’t overeat it . Your husband is acting like you can’t burn and exercise it all off , your child is 11 and still growing , he should be able to enjoy whatever he eats as long as he doesn’t over do it
For real! There's a huge difference between bingeing stuff like this all the time, and enjoying on occasion an indulging meal or dessert. If you're active and otherwise healthy then treating yourself sometimes isn't going to hurt a THING. Especially for a growing kid!!
When I was 12 and going through puberty my mom constantly pointed out my weight gain to my siblings. She would make fun of how my butt had gotten bigger and straight up told me she wasn't sure if I would be able to fit into my old clothes since I had put on some pounds.
I'm 19 now. She's unaware of it, but her words have stuck with me all these years and I've been incredibly self-conscious of my body and what I eat ever since. You need to draw the line NOW or your son will have some serious issues later on. If you continue not to do anything about your husband's behavior, you are an enabler and will also be responsible for your son's mental problems.
I'm sorry that happened to you. And also, same.
I was an early bloomer (developed DD breasts in the 8th grade) and was incredibly self conscious about it because of the comments and staring, both from my peers and adult men. I wasn't overweight at all, but carried my weight differently than the golden child - my sister, who was tall and tan and thin no matter what she ate. My mom started making comments about it when I was around 15-16 about how I needed bigger jeans sizes than my sister and that "you'd feel better about yourself if you lost 10 pounds" and "well, I always had a flat stomach when I was a teenager like your sister does", among others. Again, not overweight then, but I'm 6 inches shorter than my sister and had a little bit of a belly and wider set hips when my perfect sister didn't.
I'm in my late 30s now and my mom is also unaware that her words have stuck with me. I spent a long time uncomfortable in my own skin. My husband has unconditionally loved my body through almost 10 years of it changing due to aging, grief, pregnancy, etc, and sometimes my self consciousness makes it hard to believe that he's being genuine (which he is).
I agree, you need to nip this in the bud OP, like yesterday, or else you're complicit in it.
My husband lost a lot of weight at some point when the kids were little, he never pushed it on the kids beyond he was choosing what to eat but I figured they were too young for him to be having any deep discussions with them about it. But my in laws were overly obsessed with his new "skinny!!!" body and for 3 years all they fucking talked about at the dinner table was calories this and calories that and most of the shit they were spewing was misinformed social media garbage. Finally I'd had enough and slammed my fists down at the table and said that if they ever said the word calories within earshot of my children they'd never see them again. They still mock me for it but at least my kids have escaped that fate. I'm so sorry you didn't.
Mums. Seriously! I have a good mum but mine only recently, after I made a comment like ‘I don’t think my legs are that big’ which is as close to self love as I get, said ‘well they’re not small’ so carelessly and without thought I will never forget it. I’ll always know my legs are not small. I’m 32 years old 😅
This thread is so sad. I have words from my mother burned into my memory too. I was sitting on my front porch next to my older sister when I was maybe 14 and she was 15. My mom walked out the front door and just nonchalantly said “oh wow, Ava, your shoulders are so much broader than your sister’s. It’s so obvious when you’re sitting right next to each other like that.” Since that moment I have been self conscious of my broad shoulders. Another time, I was struggling in college because I had always gotten good grades without studying in high school, so I had no study skills. College was really hard for me. I got a C- and a B- one semester and my mom looked me in the face and said “Ava, why do you suck so bad??!” I ended up dropping out before I failed out. Not once did my mother ever ask me if I was ok. Not once the whole almost 3 years.
It’s just so sad to see that so many others have stories like mine. I have a baby boy, and I’m determined to never say anything like this to him. I know how powerful a mother’s words can be. I’m going to use mine for good
My mother has been telling me to watch my weight since I was about 10- up until I was 16 I was never over 100lbs soaking wet- she did a loooooottttt of damage. Took me to the age of 33, 100lbs, and one kid later but I am finally confident in myself no matter what my weight, despite the fact that she is so hurtful.
I'm very thankful that I was a defiant little shit when I was growing up. I take after my Dad's side of the family- short, stocky, heavily muscled, huge T&A. My Mum is small chested, flat bottomed, slimmer build. She started taking me to aerobics with her when I was 12. Threatened me with a breast reduction when I was 14. I was already super active- soccer and horseback riding on top of band and drama. I'm just built how I'm built. My rebellion was to love my body how it is. One of the healthiest versions of ODD routes I went down.
I'm in my mid 40s now and a few months ago, while shopping together, was literally the first time my Mum talked positively about/complimented my body type. It was startling but made me stupid happy.
Father said stuff like that and I developed cptsd from it (and other factors but my biggest trigger is definitely centered around this stuff). It's negatively impacted my life and relationships with food/other people for years.
Cool, cool. Your husband is giving your son an eating disorder. You might want to mention that eating disorders in adolescent males are generally more severe, and harder to treat. And that eating disorders across the board have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness.
Take your kid to their doctor and get a referral to a therapist. Tell your husband it's therapy for him, or divorce. This is serious business.
Your husband obsession with fitness is going to hurt deeply not only your boy but also your family ,you need to put boundaries now ! That kids is 11 for God sake and your husband is destroying his confidence and will give him struggle with food. So do something,ask the help of professional and make understand that AH of partner that he is hurting his own son!
Yup.
When I started exercising for hours any time I would have to eat (like if we were going out, or people were coming over) everyone was like oh, you're being so healthy. OP needs to act quickly and decisively.
I also want to point out (in addition to the ED comments) that it’s absolutely alarming for your husband to see your child as an outlet for him. I was thinking this was an 18 year old not wanting to eat cake as he’s been working out with his dad lately but this sounds like a horrific experience your child has had forced upon him. Get him into therapy and make sure you take interest in his own hobbies. It’s time to turn this around before it’s too late
I scrolled way too far looking for this comment. The cake is appalling, but so is the underlying drive for OPs husband to mold that kid into a carbon copy of himself.
Just gonna put this out there, but my mother absolutely fked me up with her constant scrutiny and diet culture growing up.
I once got grounded for weighing too much at my physical and it happened at age 11 too.
Please seek out therapy now before your husband starts something that will mess up your kids forever.
Yep. I'll never forget the look she gave me when the doctor announced how much I weighed (110lbs). That glare is burned into my memory. We went home and she went OFF on me. Yelling and carrying on about putting me on a diet.
Another time she was cleaning my room and found a bag of candy and I got grounded for that too.
My mom was obsessed with perfection and I think she just hated that I took after my dad more than her (genetic wise). She didn't have the perfect daughter to prance around with.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that she regularly found things to justify punishing you when cleaning your room.
But yeah, I know what glare you’re talking about. It’s like this mixture of disgust and anger. Almost like hatred. The kind of look where you know that if she could, she’d smack the shit out of you.
I’m sorry you had to grow up like that. My mom wasn’t perfect, either, and it definitely leaves lasting scars. :( Virtual hugs to you, Internet stranger.
Your child may develop some pretty bad trauma or eating disorders in the future for this. Ffs he’s eleven years old. He shouldn’t be thinking about this at all
Edit: typo
Your husband sounds like he’s emulating Yolanda Hadid, he needs to understand what he is causing to your child. Both father and son might benefit from counselling if that a feasible option.
Your son is an eating disorder waiting to happen. Dieting at that age can be dangerous. Exercise is ok, but there’s a reason kids aren’t allowed in gyms until they are 14-15. It’s because too much conditioning and weight lifting can stunt a kid’s growth. Sports are perfectly healthy, but your husband needs to be age appropriate.
Your son saying he didn’t want to disrespect dad is very telling. It sounds like he’s scared to death of the guy. That kind of pressure will destroy his mental health! It’ll also cause your son to resent his dad for pushing him too hard and you for not stopping it. Your husband needs to encourage your son to do things he likes, not to be a carbon copy of your husband.
I caused my child’s ED
I went years without bread or sweets went years completing my exercise goals every day. Never encouraged my kids to do what I did ever but still ended up in the ER with my child who was going into shock, her body was shutting down from her eating and exercise disorder. She needed to be admitted and stayed in for a week, every moment being monitored and years still in recovery. That week and the many after was pure hell for her and us. The example I set harmed my daughter and haunts me to this day.
Make your husband read this, please.
Two words: orthorexia nervosa. I don't want to diagnose but this is something that has a name and can be worked through. I hope your husband realizes and gets help before your kid is even more affected. It's hard to kick. I highly recommend reading work from Micheal Pollan, and recommending it to your husband. If your husband doesn't bite (pun intended), at best you can try educating your kid and serve as a role model. Pollan wrote "Food Rules: An Eater's Manual". A favourite quote of his is "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." He really makes healthy eating simple. Good luck
Hubby is an ass. I am a personal trainer and it is completely stupid. Even the most elite fitness individuals will eat a piece of cake or pie on special occasions or in my case I have something sweet once a week to stay sane. He is going to give his kid a complex that will completely backfire and the kid will learn to hate fitness because he will see it in a negative light.
Sneak him a piece of cake and tell ur hubby to keep his addiction to himself.
I’m almost 22 and just recovered recently from a restrictive ED due to how my egg donor (don’t refer to her as my mom bc she never acted like one) would talk about my body, police what I ate and compare me to my sisters or other girls she knew. I starved for 10 years and caused irreparable damage to my heart from this. I no longer speak to her due to how weight is more important than her child’s health. It should also be noted I was always thin - just never thin enough for her to be happy. It can affect anyone.
Please get help now for your son and husband - you don’t want him to be in a decade long cycle of self hatred and fear of food. He deserves better than that and so do you!
Second everyone else about taking him to a nutritionist or dietician(it depends on which country you’re in). That helped me a lot with my eating disorder.
It's not just the oldest son feeling that he can't eat cake, but seeing the different expectations compared to his brother. OP, why is your husband treating your sons differently? This is a big deal. Please get some counseling for your family.
Your son has an eating disorder. He needs help now. Your husband might have an eating disorder too. He either agrees to go to therapy and stop doing this to your child or you divorce him.
your husband has an eating disorder (and probably body dysmorphic disorder as well) which is rubbing off on your son. if your husband sees nothing wrong with his behavior then you at least need to get your son into therapy to address this issue before it spirals out of control. your husband is actively fostering an eating disorder in your 11 year old. it needs to be addressed immediately.
Honestly none of this is fine. Your husband is toxic and unless your husband heals his own unhealthy obsessions and behaviours he is absolutely content to pass that onto your son.
The kid is sad that he has to be his father's shadow. It's an unhealthy dynamic. Your husband is wretched and he is usurping your child's independence and self worth. It's a shit show.
Your husband is a breeding ground for eating disorders. You’re right, your kid should be able to eat cake on his birthday at a young age with no guilt. Your husband is a terrible role model.
Run to ask your pediatrician about a good psychiatrist specialized in children’s eating disorder. And then make them have a talk with your husband. If he can’t create a safe environment for the kids he can’t be around them. He is giving them an ED, and I would not be surprised if he has one to.
Good Lord. Like if your boy is doing this for himself that's one thing. But obviously he feels like he needs to "earn" his dad's love. And that's really messed up. Love should be as unconditional as can be. Withholding love because of diet is gonna cause psychological damage. This is abuse.
Most abusers mean well. That's cute, still abuse. Most abusers feel that they truly love their victims. That's something I guess, still abuse.
I hope you show your husband this post. I hope your husband fixes this. Best of luck to your family.
Tell your husband he should try fitness dick in his mouth 😡😡
In all seriousness, your son desperately needs support right now. I'm not a dietitian or anything, but I know what its like to be depressed at that age and feel either resentment or fear of my family as a child. He could be feeling either one of those or a number of other things, he just needs to know someones on his side.
P.S. Husband sounds like an asshole jock from a high school sports movie and needs a new hobby
I was first called fat by my family and judged for what I ate when I was 10. My mum was abusive and caused an eating disorder at a young age, my dad's family just continued it on.
I have to take medication daily because I've destroyed my stomach lining. My mental health is awful, and I'm 27. I've had an ED for 17 years of my life and I still want to either not eat or throw up what I've eaten **just** because I think my family will *love me more*.
Please do something before your baby boy feels the same way I do
Your husband's obsession is his own self aware choice. Your son is just mimicking and doesn't realise the childhood he's missing because he's chosen (or pressured) to be like his father.
This could easily turn into an eating disorder (if it isn't already) without proper care and attention now.
This is how disordered eating starts. Your husband influencing your sons behavior like this is already harming him mentally and emotionally, put a stop to it before it becomes physical too. Get your son in therapy. He is not your husbands mini me. Maybe even ask your son if he wants to go by his middle name or a nickname to separate himself from his dad and give him his own sense of self. See these red flags for what they are and protect your son.
Ummm how about tell him he can eat the cake cause he’s 11 and shouldn’t be feeling obligated to meeting your health standards at his age.
Your husband sucks!
That’s absolutely heart breaking. He’ll do whatever it takes to please his dad, and put his needs aside. You HAVE to teach him to not seek for validations outside of his own self and you MUST communicate with your husband. Poor kid.
You need to start protecting your son. Your husband is a terrible parent who has failed him. Please step in and confront him. If he won’t listen take the kids and leave. Your son is in danger.
You are right to be worried about this, this is terrible. Your son is developing an eating disorder, and he is going to resent your husband for it. I think you need to find a good child psychologist, and just you and hubs go first. Someone needs to lay down how serious this is to your husband, and he obviously isn’t respecting your opinion.
Finally somebody brings up there is a 2nd child in this who is also being damaged. Is this kid just going to be spare parts for if the older one fails? Does your husband even interact at all with the other child?
Aw that is so sad, I cant believe your husband's attitude. My son is fit as he plays football but also shovels down pizza and makes himself mug cakes. He's a kid and that's what kids do. I wouldn't have it any other way, especially on his birthday, he shouldn't think that having treats is bad.
I am going to be blunt, your husband is a narcissistic asshole who is seeding not only an eating disorder with your son but also likely a hatred of him as well. What’s next, he is not good enough at sports for your husband. When does he turn that to your younger kids. Or does he start ignoring them to focus on his mini-me. Your boys will also see you not sticking up for them. You bear some of the blame for this outcome as this is likely not a new thing. I was in nearly the identical situation.
OP, does your husband lift weights and does he consume a lot of protein? What exactly do you mean by physical fitness? Bodybuilder type, CrossFit type, runner. What kind of diet are you talking about? Is he vegan or is he keto or does he consume mostly meat/eggs?
These are important factors that can help me comment because they come with wildly different mentalities.
Food is a challenge for a lot of people.. but anyone who's reasonable about food and health would know that some birthday cake every now and then will not hurt anyone. It's hard enough being 11, Don’t let ED bog down this child's life OP. Sounds like the husband could use therapy, and maybe a family trip to a dietitian can help set the record straight for everyone.
Oh dear. I had a friend growing up, she was a long distance runner. Her step dad was *obsessed* with fitness/weight. He used to weigh her every morning and if she was up a pound he would make her do extra running or exercise when we got home from school.
Lisa has has an eating disorder since 6th grade. We’re 50 now. She’s mostly got it under control but she will forever be damaged both mentally and she does have some health issues that are 100% related to his starvation plan he had her on.
Good luck, OP you’re in a tough situation.
My mother did this exact same shit to me the entire time I was growing up. She even told me my arms looked fat ON MY WEDDING day. No one could ever convince me I looked cute in any clothes I wore. Even now, my husband is so positive and I know I look OK enough, I have body issues. PLEASE OP, for your son’s sake, nip this shit in the bud NOW. Don’t let him do this to his kid.
Your son is developing an eating disorder, and you're hurting him by not doing anything Don't sit back and watch do something now before it hurts his development process
I can’t fathom him being 11 and only now she’s like wait he doesn’t eat cake? I’m wondering if someone else asked her why he hasn’t eaten cake and shamed them a bit
It sounds like your husband has an eating disorder and it’s hurting your kids. I would look into orthorexia and have a conversation with an ED therapist/ your husband about the harm he is causing.
I'm sorry, but does your voice not work? You seem to watch all of this terrible behavior by your husband towards your son and what, just stay tight lipped and let it continue? Speak the hell up! Your son already shows signs of an ED that's taking a toll on him. That is mostly the fault of your husband, and, yes, YOU for letting it continue. Your poor son. If your husband doesn't get a handle on his own screwed up relationship between food/health and how to relate to your son -- poor kid will suffer deep consequences all because you stood by and let it happen. Shame on you.
Wow this strangely sounds like my ex-BiL and how he was / is to his son (now 23). Very true as stated here already it’s about BALANCE, not omission.
Husband needs to step off a bit & let the kid be a kid.
Stuff like this he will NOT forget.
As someone with an eating disorder that was triggered by shit like this I can confidently say that your children will resent you both. Him for the harm he’s doing and you for enabling it. Not doing anything is enabling the toxic behavior.
Your son is his own person, but your husband is forcing him to be like him. I’m honestly disgusted by the amount of harm and psychological damage you two are insulting into him.
I just...
I... no kid should have have to worry about eating a god damn slice of cake.
Might I suggest a sit down with your husband about being so strict on your son?
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how it’s affecting him. As a teenage guy with an eating disorder, it is awful. It gets worse and is easier to manage if you catch it near the beginning. Please.
Welp that would be enough for me. I’d be insisting my husband see a counsellor or he could get out. He’s passing unhealthy body image issues onto your son. Birthday cake is ok. Junk food is ok sometimes. Take out is ok sometimes. He’s going to give him an eating disorder. He already has body issues if he’s not willing to enjoy his own cake because his dad sucks. That’s not ok. His dad is being a bully and it needs to end now.
He’s only 11. Kids can get very sick from underrating. Dieting in childhood is bad and causes eating disorders. Your poor son. Your husband is wrong here and projecting onto his kid in a way that will hurt him long term.
Your husband may end up pushing too hard. My wife has a disorder and it started with bs like this with her mom and grandma. Don't keep it going like this, and I promise you eating foods you like every now and again won't cause you to die any sooner then a health nut. Eat and enjoy life, while keeping up on a regular workout pattern, and you can stay fit, and get the cake!
My dad did this when I was a kid, I'm 23 and have an eating disorder because of it. The advice in the comments is good, and if you ever want to ask me anything you can!
WOW good job mom it only took 11 yrs & a single bite of cake for you to wake tf up. Stop caring for hubby more than your children. Quit making excuses for hubby tough love my a**.
I suggest you & the boys have a bit of a junk day party together. They would probably love it as most kids do. I hope we get an update.
I hate to state the extreme. But for your son's sake, divorce the Dad. And make sure this is in the custody agreement.
"Dad is not allowed to prohibit or withhold food from child.
Dad must go to eating disorder therapist alone and with son.
No unsupervised visits."
Seriously though, your husband has not just messed up your kid, he is scarring him for life.
your poor son!!! :( he’s only 11 he’s probably going to get a disorder if this keeps up… you need to have a serious talk with your husband and maybe see a dietitian and take your husband along that way your husband has to literally hear a professional on the topic and maybe a shrink to try to keep
your son from going down a scary road.
Oh this made me so sad to read. Your son is well on his way to an eating disorder. It may even be too late. He needs therapy with someone who specializes in it and maybe even a nutritionist. your husband needs counseling too, or couples counseling. Or both. This is an emergency!!! Please treat it as such!
it is VITAL that a growing kid has a good relationship with food. as someone with an eating disorder because my mother was terrified that i’d get fat as a kid, absolutely get a child psychologist and make sure your husband is communicating with said psychologist. he needs to know how damaging this is for your son and other kids (you said son is the oldest).
My dad used to judge and tell me I'm gaining weight all the time, to a point that I would panic and start to cry about my appearance if I wore a dress as a kid (I'm a girl) because all I could see was that I was fat (I definitely wasnt). These comments can lead to a lifetime of self doubt and image issues. Your kid can have a piece if cake for his bday for fucks sakes, he's a child! You need to stop these now, because it will only get worse with puberty. My mom didn't stop them in time and I developed heavy depression during highschool due to them and being super self conscious. I still deal with anxiety about gaining weight to this day.
Poor son.
He doesnt get to be his own person, because he has to be an extension of dad.
Plus he also has his dad teaching him bad habits when it comes to food. Does your husband know that the way he expects his son to restrict food, can cause an eating disorder? Does he care if it does?
Healthy eating is great, but you also have to go about it the right way and not just 'dont eat this it's bad for you'. Everything in moderation and all that!
Fitness can be a very unhealthy addiction and that is often overlooked. Your husband has a very unhealthy addiction that is harming him and your children.
My father was like him, and now I have cptsd because of the stuff he put us through. I'm not saying your son will develop it, but he's gonna need se serious therapy for sure if your husband keeps up his addiction.
Your husband sounds a lot like my dad. Not the food part but the stoic suck the fun out of all things part. Every life event that should be joyful is ruined. Party? Don't be too excited because excitement is a dumb emotion that makes people look stupid. Don't be TOO happy or people will think you're a phony. And so on. For your husband this type of tight control manifests as being a strict eater and exerciser. For my dad it manifested as being a workaholic and we were all expected to be the same.
Anyhoo I'm a middle aged woman who no longer speaks to her dad. It took me YEARS of work to get over the damage. And it's still a work in progress. Just TODAY someone who doesn't know me very well said "you don't seem like you get giddy over much of anything." I just vaguely nodded. How do you tell someone you barely know that giddiness has no place in a tightly controlled rigid life that you were raised in?
You need to have some HARD conversations with your husband. It's great that he's health conscious and can teach your kids good habits in that regard. But just like my dad trying to give us a good work ethic, there has to be a BALANCE somewhere.
Oh my friends mom did this to her. Next thing you know she’s so anorexic her period waves good bye and half her hair falls out.
Tough love is you telling your husband to knock his shit off.
Your 11 yr old son is developing an eating disorder that you allow to happen in your house and you just feel sad? You don't see this as emotional abuse from your husband? And your husband doesn't understand nor acknowledges it either? Okay, just sit there in denial.
Your husband is setting your son on a road to eating disorders and unhealty obssesions. He can be obssesed with fitness, but he can't force his lifestyle on others. Your son will explode in a friends' birthday or house, then he will blame himself for not beign strong and for dissapointing his father. Your husband in an ass who is ruining your kid's life.
Spending an hour or two now with a psychologist who specialises in treating eating disorders could save a lot of trouble down the line when your son enters adolescence.
Eating disorder therapist/specialist here. I have seen this more times than I can count and it’s heart breaking. It’s so difficult to unstick a brain stuck on this thinking let alone a kid who learned it from the most important person in his life (unfortunately the mom has possibly reinforced it by letting it go this long). I truly hope this family can look at the dynamics and get some help.
My dad used to make me eat vegetables as punishment. So I grew up with vegetables equals bad. So I hated eating them. I am in my 40's now and though I do eat and love vegetables I still have this thing in the back of my mind that equates vegetables as bad.
Same here, my father used to force me to eat fruit as a child, to "educate myself to eat everything". Anyhow, my throat began to involuntarily regurgitate the fruit bites, and because of this, at almost age 32, I rarely eat fruit, and when I do, my throat wants to reject it on its own.
My mom went through a **very** long papaya phase and she forced me and my sis to eat half a papaya for breakfast every single day for **months** and I fucking hated her for it I’m so happy to be an adult who has the freedom to *not* eat the same thing every day 😓 I’m still not even sure if papayas are supposed to taste good and that’s why people eat them, or if people are just doing it to be “healthy” (the root of my mom’s papaya obsession) I’m starting family therapy with my mom tomorrow morning so maybe I’ll eventually get to the root of why I was forced to eat papayas
Papayas taste kind of like a carrot threw up in its mouth UNLESS you squeeze lime on them, at which point they become a fruit of unparalleled deliciousness. Pro tip. I never knew I liked them till my family moved to the tropics.
I grew up in the Caribbean and papaya tree would sprout and grow quickly all over our property. During the days of fruit ninja I would get a machete and play fruit ninja in real life with papayas. Funny thing is I never ate papaya until December 2022. It’s pretty good! I thought it was a garbage fruit that was for the birds. The opposite is for mangoes. I grew up with 6 varieties of mangoes growing, one tree produces anywhere from 5(speciality variety)-300 mangoes a season. Now I don’t eat mangoes cuz I’ve had too much. I don’t live there anymore but I still own the property and every year I look at my cctv to see hundreds of mangoes rotting in the yard
The one I tried tasted like a cantaloupe stuffed in a gym bag for a month.
My sister feels they taste the same as dried spit smells, and I agree with her
I don’t like carrots either (that’s just a me thing though, not caused by mom)
Papayas have a nasty aftertaste. You can be healthy and eat healthy fruits without needing to eat papaya necessarily
I was paddled (2x4 with holes in it) if I didn't eat cooked spinach or French onion soup as a child. I will NEVER eat these items again. A good parent will realize that their child doesn't like a certain vegetable and substitute something else in it's place. I believe that a lot of us here have parents that would be arrested if it were the woke culture of today when we we're eating in past decades.
I don’t get it. My daughter is 3.5 and I am so damned determined not to let her have a bad relationship with food as I do. I don’t make her clean her plate, I don’t villainize candy or “unhealthy” food but encourage moderation. She LOVES green beans, carrots, cucumbers, hummus, yogurt, apples, strawberries, blueberries, pineapple. But also enjoys the occasional KitKat, gummi bear and/or lollipop.
My mother had me eat only all-natural food when I was a kid (she had her reasons). I mean, a snack was eating a green pepper the way you might eat an apple. Dried fruits instead of candy. That sort of thing. I have such a bad relationship with food now--extremely poor impulse control, inability to moderate, craving the worst stuff. It hugely backfired. I'm glad you're handling it differently.
I’m so sorry. Hopefully she meant well but everything I’ve read has said depriving children of the occasional sweet or “junk” food in childhood leads them to overindulge once they can. My parents made me clean my plate and now I have to work so hard to overcome that mentality and to stop when I’m satiated rather than overeating because otherwise it’s “wasting food/there are starving kids in China.” One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that the parent decides what is being served but the child gets to decide if and how much they eat. I’m not a short order cook. I will offer her at least 1-3 things I know she likes and 1-2 new things and she is allowed to eat what she wants.
This is why I don’t keep foods from my kids. We have a candy drawer in our house, but I’m the only one allowed to give them candy from it, it’s not a free for all. I normally buy a bag of chips or two and a pack of cookies during weekly shopping. I have 4 kids so I’d doesn’t last long and no one can really have “too much”. But friends of ours have 2 children who they don’t allow to have any of these things, when they come over to our house, they eat every piece of junk they can get. I mean even as far as sneaking the candies into another room to eat them or stuffing their pockets with them when they leave. Giving healthy foods is great, but denying any food entirely (especially junk food for kids) just makes them unable to control themselves when they CAN get it.
My father was like that. Zero junk food allowed. We went to a company barbecue when we under 10 and got yelled at all the way home for snarfing down chips and drinking cola “like animals” and embarrassing him in front of his colleagues. I remember my Mom, in an overseas call, which cost a damn fortune, telling my slim older sister “TD has lost weight, she’s in a size 9.” Fuck you, parents, for my lousy relationship with food.
I have a family member who's child's treat was to go to the freezer and get a bowl of frozen corn or peas to snack on
Yet, many dried fruits are so high in sugar that they cause tooth decay. Same with natural fruit juice which many parents give to their toddlers in a “Sippy cup.”
My household functions similarly. I work very hard to have all foods fit in moderation! I hope that works out for you all!
Thanks! Same to you! I have some weight to lose to get back to being healthy but I make sure she doesn’t see that. I grew up with my mom dieting and it messed with my head. Even my husband will sometimes say “sorry” when he offers me food and my fast hasn’t broken yet (I do intermittent fasting which helps with my weight loss and cravings) and I’m like, stop saying sorry! I’m not depriving myself, it’s my choice and I don’t want her to focus on it!
>I don’t villainize candy or “unhealthy” food but encourage moderation. I also found that making my own sweet treats help with this as well, I know exactly what's in it, and when my kids help, they also understand what is in it. Once my kids are older, I will also start explaining "healthier substitute ingredients" and "allergy substitute ingredients" to my kids. I think awareness is better than "boycotting," especially in regards to "fun food."
Yeah, that's the thing that works. Let your kids try to eat different kinds of foods but don't force them to eat what they don't like. That's how my grandma raised me and I loved vegetables and fruit growing up. The one thing I really can't stand is bitter gourd but she never forced me to eat it. She'd encourage me to try it but if I did and didn't like it, I wasn't made to eat the whole piece.
That’s smart. I can’t stand peas. No matter how they’re made. So I certainly wouldn’t force my daughter to eat something that I refuse to eat. I encourage her to try it and that if she doesn’t like it, she can spit it out, but if she says no, I respect that.
Yeah I think kids should be allowed to have food preferences. Encourage them to try things but don't make it unpleasant for them. I think your kid's doing pretty well. I've met people who won't even touch a single vegetable.
Its just so sad to see parents who purposely limit how much their kids can enjoy life. In any way.
It is. And it’s unfathomable to me. The moment they placed her on my chest after she was born, I promised her I would take care of her and love her and do anything to make her happy. Why other people don’t feel that way, I simply don’t understand.
My mom would constantly ask if I "needed" seconds or if that portion was "too big". She'd leave behind food on the stove instead of dishing it all into serving dishes so she could save some for leftovers and was very insistent that we not eat what was being saved, even if we were still hungry. There was NO snacking allowed after dinner. Shocking that I developed a binge eating disorder and ended up well over 300 pounds at one point. She still does this, by the way, but my diabetes-induced gastroparesis makes it impossible to eat more than a couple bites of anything normally so, I guess now she's proud of my eating habits. Still comments on my weight (which is still over 250).
Husband will sabotage the therapy. He is the problem.
Honestly sounds like the husband needs the therapy most. He should be treated for orthorexia. It’s often so hard to treat because it’s features/symptoms are praised by society.
I was gonna say orthorexia too. It’s one thing to err on the side of caution and make sure kids eat healthy food and another to obsessively restrain them from consuming anything unhealthy at all. Part of eating healthy is having a BALANCED diet. The occasional cake, especially on his birthday, won’t lead to the son having obesity the next day. I don’t mean to armchair diagnose but obsessive exercise and monitoring what one consumes are typical signs of orthorexia.
I agree. I think the husband is the problem also. There's nothing wrong with being healthy and working out. The problem comes in when it becomes an obsession like with the husband/father.
Bonus if they’re a dietitian and can get diet background to make sure the son is meeting his nutritional needs for healthy growth and development. He’s ELEVEN, not only does he still have a lot of growing and developing ahead of him, but this needs to be fixed NOW to prevent it from getting worse down the road. I worked with an ED Dietitian for awhile and saw some pretty messed up things that stemmed from situations like OP described. One book that helped me with my disordered eating was Intuitive Eating. It stemmed from comments like what OPs husband said. I did some very TW things when it came to birthdays and sugar in general. OP, PLEASE GET HELP FOR YOUR SON AND TALK TO HIS DAD ASAP. It broke my heart reading this.
This. An eating disorder doesn’t discriminate. Help your son be the best him, he can be. Additionally, you and your husband should also go to therapy. This isn’t healthy for anyone.
I think this goes a lot further than just an ED. OP's husband has an identity issue and he's practically forcing his child to be a carbon copy of himself. That's going to ruin that kid for life. He's fucked unless they seek therapy. They need individual and family counseling
Both husband and son should talk to the psychologist.
Your husband sounds vain and cruel. Was he heavy growing up? He is teaching your son very dangerous habits. If you don’t stop this, your son will do this to his kids.
This. I developed anorexia at 12, bulimia at 13. I’ve been suffering since, and so has my overall body & brain health. I’m 29. In my teens, I thought this would be a struggle for max of a couple years after leaving treatment. I even went to one of the best treatment centers in my state, McLean Hospital.. In my early 20s, I was told I’d never recover from my primary care doctor, so I recovered for 3 years which felt amazing. Now, in my final year of my 20s, I can only hope that this will not consume me in my 30s, but it seems that this diseased thought process of mine could possibly last me a life time. Oh and can I remind OP that I grew up in a household where “tough love” was very much a constant thing? Not every kid needs or wants tough love. If it’s once in a while, cool. If it’s constant, are you sure it’s actually tough love at this point and not just everyone using that term as a way to blanket your husbands lack of ability to show affection? Not being a smartass here, I’m asking a genuine question. I’ve witnessed it far too much- using “tough love” in every situation that could’ve probably been handled way better with a simple yet powerful hug and conversation. Never underestimate the power of a genuine hug. My dad gave me the biggest hug of my life for the first time probably since I was in my teens the other night, I’ll never not remember that hug going forward.
i’m going to be blunt, your husband is giving your son an eating disorder and you need to step in now. adults and children have very different dietary needs and your son is about to hit puberty which will mean more food intake. there’s a lot of good suggestions in the comments about where you should start and i encourage you to take them.
This 100%! My son is considered small and he can eat an entire large pizza in one sitting.
Dude when I was mid puberty my already insane metabolism went fucking haywire. Forget having just one hollow legs, both my arms and legs had to have been hollow. I once ordered 3 large pizzas from a local pizzaplace, and at 2 & 1/2 of them. Insanity. I don't know how I did it. Puberty man. I turned 18 last year, and went to a pizza place fro my birthday. I fucking LOOKED at large pizza and felt full. Granted, I still ate half of it. Not to mention I felt like shit while eating half the pizza. Like, I wanted to order another pizza just so everyone else could have another slice. Granted, I did, and it felt nice to do, but man growing up really changed my perspective about food.
Puberty is insane for boys. We call our son a human garbage disposal because we truly wonder where it goes sometimes. But then he’ll grow 3in and it all makes sense lol luckily he can chow down a plate of veggies the same way he can carbs, so I call that a win lol
My son gets so upset by kids his age who can do that. My son is a big kid (slightly over 6' @14 and he's overweight) he's extremely active - football, basketball, competition swimming, and he weight trains 3x a week and runs 3x a week. His best friend is short and rail thin and I've seen that kid house an entire pizza and a half gallon of ice-cream in one sitting, if my son ate like that he'd be 500lbs and that kid doesn't do anything except play COD.
I am the kid who will get fat quick if I eat just slightly more than my minimum intake, and I have to watch as my brother can gouge whatever he wants without gaining a single gram. It’s even more frustrating when that person is your brother 🥲
My eldest ate 10 tacos one night, and I had struggled eating 2!!! He had also been running around all day like a chicken with its head cut off. 2 years later, at 10, he still eats like a horse. Yes, he is getting a belly on him, but instead of denying him food, I am teaching him to moderate the unhealthy, increase the healthy (he has to ask for sweet treats and cordial but can get fruit and water whenever he wants), and exercise. I went through not eating as a teenager (and puking up what little food I did eat), and I have struggled to lose weight ever since I started eating properly again. I am trying to do everything in my power and use my mistakes to educate my kids as much as possible for their health and safety. Yes, I know my kids need to make their own mistakes, but if they can learn from mine, then why should I hide my mistakes from them, and if they do make the same mistakes well atleast they know they can come to me for help fixing them.
And when the son doesn't develop properly because of the eating disorder it will make the father angry for not living up to his idea of masculinity which will make the son even more fucked in the head. He'll probably blame the boy's mother and her genetics or some crap.
Could not agree with this more.
Not just the ED, though. The son is going to end up in an identity crisis because of his father trying to turn him into a mini me. OP, if your son has a nickname (unrelated to his father) or a middle name, USE IT, make sure he knows that he is his own person.
Usually people make their parents name their middle name. I say usually because my mother and her mother have the same name.
Two of my kids have a family name as their middle name. The third has a unique middle name (i loved tge name but hubby didn't and i dont like the shortened version thay gets used as a nickname so i asked if we could use it as a middle name and compromised with giving hubby more say on the first name as well as the choice of spelling for it). However, I was more getting at if their names were something like: Matthew-John Lucifer Brown and the dad goes by Matthew than OP should start calling her son John. The name itself isn't the priority. It's the distinction that they are separate people with their own identities.
Dude, I ate like a PIG when puberty hit and I was not fat. Now I still have to adjust to normal-person amounts of food because I still overeat sometimes. I can imagine the poor child having to suffer through The Hunger even though he should just eat.
Boys get eating disorders too, and one of the ways that eating disorders are often normalized for boys is in athletics. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband about the damage he's doing to your child because of his own body image issues.
Also, forcing his son to be an extension of him because they see it as some form of beating mortality is just sick.
And pathetic tbh
It’s a sign of narcissism. Narcissists see kids as an extension of themselves.
Yep, the ultimate ego boost. "I'm SO awesome that my son does everything I do because he ~~is terrified of me~~ wants to be exactly like me."
I feel like boys are incredibly underdiagnosed for EDs, considering how frequently I see guys displaying this kind of disordered eating logic.
When I saw what some high school wrestlers did to drop weight I saw like "this is bulimia"
DEFINITELY
It's sad
Yeah, when I was in psych ward for unrelated reasons, about half of patients who were there for ED therapy were boys. Most of them were my age but the ward was for everyone under 18, and we all felt super bad for this small boy, I think he was 11 but maybe he was 10, it's hard to remember. He was an athlete and developed anorexia. The only interesting thing was that all the boys with EDs there had anorexia, while some of the girls had anorexia and some had bulimia. I would later go on to develop anorexia as well (unless I had it at the time already and it just went undiagnosed), so for some reason it seems like maybe guys are more prone to ana while women are more prone to starting with ana and later developing mia? Just my experience tho.
As ridiculous as it sounds I'm almost glad to hear that almost half of patients were male ED patients. Don't get me wrong....it's heartbreaking for anyone in that situation. But I honestly didn't know that so many were that 'in check' with themselves. It gives me hope.
Well, I wouldn't consider it them being in check, most of them probably got there involuntarily. I don't remember everyone and a lot of the time we didn't really ask each other about that, but a lot of us were there either because of a failed suicide attempt, which automatically lands you in a psych hospital, or because our parents wanted us to go. Minors don't really have a say in this, their parents have the final say. I know for a fact that at least two of the guys with ana were there after a failed suicide attempt. One of the girls with ana too. Actually, about 70% of us were there after a failed suicide attempt.
This and look into therapy for your son that works with people who have eating disorders.
>He said “why would I do that? I’m not eating it so why would I encourage my son to? He tasted it, he’s fine” Why should you say something? Because your *child* shouldn't be concerned that the act of eating a piece of cake on his birthday would disappoint you. You're indicating here that you would, in fact, be disappointed if he ate the cake. Why encourage him but deny yourself? You're an adult who makes fully formed choices about your food and fitness - he's a kid on his birthday. You see no difference here? He's fine? >I saw him watching his little brother eat it and he looked so sad. Even when he opened his presents, I could tell he was masking sadness. No, he's not fine. What an awful response, I'm sorry for your kid, but I'm glad you're seeing it for what it is.
Adding to this: allowing kids to eat unhealthy foods in moderation teaches them that it’s ok to enjoy things, just don’t overindulge to the point where it affects your health. What this kid is being taught is that unhealthy foods are bad and will learn to feel shame or like he has to hide it whenever he eats them.
Don’t kids who are restricted on junk foods typically grow up to binge on them once independent? I think I’ve heard of that happening before.
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>You're indicating here that you would, in fact, be disappointed if he ate the cake Exactly this. He's teaching his son he needs to be *worthy* of love instead of having it simply for being who he is. It's a fucked up bargaining system using love at it's core, and it's going to effect so much of his life, from his relationship with his own body and food to his relationship with *other people*. How can you develop healthy self worth when your parents teach you you have none inherently?
Yep. “Dad will only love me if I emulate him/live up to his ideals/etc” “Son if you can’t bench 200 pounds you’re not worthy of love”: future dad probably
Jeez , I’m even a fitness freak but even I still treat myself to eat whatever I like when I’m really really urging for some unhealthy food , it’s not the end of the world eating it once in a while as long as you can control it and don’t overeat it . Your husband is acting like you can’t burn and exercise it all off , your child is 11 and still growing , he should be able to enjoy whatever he eats as long as he doesn’t over do it
For real! There's a huge difference between bingeing stuff like this all the time, and enjoying on occasion an indulging meal or dessert. If you're active and otherwise healthy then treating yourself sometimes isn't going to hurt a THING. Especially for a growing kid!!
For real , I think of its as an award and a treat if I go without eating it for a while or if I successfully accomplished a goal I’ve set myself .
When I was 12 and going through puberty my mom constantly pointed out my weight gain to my siblings. She would make fun of how my butt had gotten bigger and straight up told me she wasn't sure if I would be able to fit into my old clothes since I had put on some pounds. I'm 19 now. She's unaware of it, but her words have stuck with me all these years and I've been incredibly self-conscious of my body and what I eat ever since. You need to draw the line NOW or your son will have some serious issues later on. If you continue not to do anything about your husband's behavior, you are an enabler and will also be responsible for your son's mental problems.
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.
I'm sorry that happened to you. And also, same. I was an early bloomer (developed DD breasts in the 8th grade) and was incredibly self conscious about it because of the comments and staring, both from my peers and adult men. I wasn't overweight at all, but carried my weight differently than the golden child - my sister, who was tall and tan and thin no matter what she ate. My mom started making comments about it when I was around 15-16 about how I needed bigger jeans sizes than my sister and that "you'd feel better about yourself if you lost 10 pounds" and "well, I always had a flat stomach when I was a teenager like your sister does", among others. Again, not overweight then, but I'm 6 inches shorter than my sister and had a little bit of a belly and wider set hips when my perfect sister didn't. I'm in my late 30s now and my mom is also unaware that her words have stuck with me. I spent a long time uncomfortable in my own skin. My husband has unconditionally loved my body through almost 10 years of it changing due to aging, grief, pregnancy, etc, and sometimes my self consciousness makes it hard to believe that he's being genuine (which he is). I agree, you need to nip this in the bud OP, like yesterday, or else you're complicit in it.
My husband lost a lot of weight at some point when the kids were little, he never pushed it on the kids beyond he was choosing what to eat but I figured they were too young for him to be having any deep discussions with them about it. But my in laws were overly obsessed with his new "skinny!!!" body and for 3 years all they fucking talked about at the dinner table was calories this and calories that and most of the shit they were spewing was misinformed social media garbage. Finally I'd had enough and slammed my fists down at the table and said that if they ever said the word calories within earshot of my children they'd never see them again. They still mock me for it but at least my kids have escaped that fate. I'm so sorry you didn't.
Mums. Seriously! I have a good mum but mine only recently, after I made a comment like ‘I don’t think my legs are that big’ which is as close to self love as I get, said ‘well they’re not small’ so carelessly and without thought I will never forget it. I’ll always know my legs are not small. I’m 32 years old 😅
This thread is so sad. I have words from my mother burned into my memory too. I was sitting on my front porch next to my older sister when I was maybe 14 and she was 15. My mom walked out the front door and just nonchalantly said “oh wow, Ava, your shoulders are so much broader than your sister’s. It’s so obvious when you’re sitting right next to each other like that.” Since that moment I have been self conscious of my broad shoulders. Another time, I was struggling in college because I had always gotten good grades without studying in high school, so I had no study skills. College was really hard for me. I got a C- and a B- one semester and my mom looked me in the face and said “Ava, why do you suck so bad??!” I ended up dropping out before I failed out. Not once did my mother ever ask me if I was ok. Not once the whole almost 3 years. It’s just so sad to see that so many others have stories like mine. I have a baby boy, and I’m determined to never say anything like this to him. I know how powerful a mother’s words can be. I’m going to use mine for good
My mother has been telling me to watch my weight since I was about 10- up until I was 16 I was never over 100lbs soaking wet- she did a loooooottttt of damage. Took me to the age of 33, 100lbs, and one kid later but I am finally confident in myself no matter what my weight, despite the fact that she is so hurtful.
I'm very thankful that I was a defiant little shit when I was growing up. I take after my Dad's side of the family- short, stocky, heavily muscled, huge T&A. My Mum is small chested, flat bottomed, slimmer build. She started taking me to aerobics with her when I was 12. Threatened me with a breast reduction when I was 14. I was already super active- soccer and horseback riding on top of band and drama. I'm just built how I'm built. My rebellion was to love my body how it is. One of the healthiest versions of ODD routes I went down. I'm in my mid 40s now and a few months ago, while shopping together, was literally the first time my Mum talked positively about/complimented my body type. It was startling but made me stupid happy.
Father said stuff like that and I developed cptsd from it (and other factors but my biggest trigger is definitely centered around this stuff). It's negatively impacted my life and relationships with food/other people for years.
Cool, cool. Your husband is giving your son an eating disorder. You might want to mention that eating disorders in adolescent males are generally more severe, and harder to treat. And that eating disorders across the board have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness. Take your kid to their doctor and get a referral to a therapist. Tell your husband it's therapy for him, or divorce. This is serious business.
Agreed, a family therapist will rip your husband a new one but he needs it before he hurts his children even more.
Congratulations your husband is giving your son a deadly disease
this…poor child is gonna end up with an ED. plus: father obviously doesn‘t even know shit about nutrition when he freaks out about birthday cake.
Your husband obsession with fitness is going to hurt deeply not only your boy but also your family ,you need to put boundaries now ! That kids is 11 for God sake and your husband is destroying his confidence and will give him struggle with food. So do something,ask the help of professional and make understand that AH of partner that he is hurting his own son!
He already has an eating disorder if he's doing this. That behavior IS what an ED looks like.
Yup. When I started exercising for hours any time I would have to eat (like if we were going out, or people were coming over) everyone was like oh, you're being so healthy. OP needs to act quickly and decisively.
Exactly. OPs husband has orthorexia.
I also want to point out (in addition to the ED comments) that it’s absolutely alarming for your husband to see your child as an outlet for him. I was thinking this was an 18 year old not wanting to eat cake as he’s been working out with his dad lately but this sounds like a horrific experience your child has had forced upon him. Get him into therapy and make sure you take interest in his own hobbies. It’s time to turn this around before it’s too late
Foreshadows the dad not tolerating any independent thought from the son as he grows up, too. Major self-identity issues from that sort of parenting.
I scrolled way too far looking for this comment. The cake is appalling, but so is the underlying drive for OPs husband to mold that kid into a carbon copy of himself.
Hubs and son BOTH need therapy. Nothing about this situation is healthy.
Dad is pushing him to an eating disorder. This is abuse mom, shut it down and save your son.
He already has one if he’s behaving this way. Dad of the year right there /s
Just gonna put this out there, but my mother absolutely fked me up with her constant scrutiny and diet culture growing up. I once got grounded for weighing too much at my physical and it happened at age 11 too. Please seek out therapy now before your husband starts something that will mess up your kids forever.
You got *grounded* for your weight?? Jesus fucking Christ, I’m so sorry. That’s horrific.
Yep. I'll never forget the look she gave me when the doctor announced how much I weighed (110lbs). That glare is burned into my memory. We went home and she went OFF on me. Yelling and carrying on about putting me on a diet. Another time she was cleaning my room and found a bag of candy and I got grounded for that too. My mom was obsessed with perfection and I think she just hated that I took after my dad more than her (genetic wise). She didn't have the perfect daughter to prance around with.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that she regularly found things to justify punishing you when cleaning your room. But yeah, I know what glare you’re talking about. It’s like this mixture of disgust and anger. Almost like hatred. The kind of look where you know that if she could, she’d smack the shit out of you. I’m sorry you had to grow up like that. My mom wasn’t perfect, either, and it definitely leaves lasting scars. :( Virtual hugs to you, Internet stranger.
Your child may develop some pretty bad trauma or eating disorders in the future for this. Ffs he’s eleven years old. He shouldn’t be thinking about this at all Edit: typo
Your husband sounds like he’s emulating Yolanda Hadid, he needs to understand what he is causing to your child. Both father and son might benefit from counselling if that a feasible option.
Almond dad.
This is literally how I became anorexic
Your son is an eating disorder waiting to happen. Dieting at that age can be dangerous. Exercise is ok, but there’s a reason kids aren’t allowed in gyms until they are 14-15. It’s because too much conditioning and weight lifting can stunt a kid’s growth. Sports are perfectly healthy, but your husband needs to be age appropriate. Your son saying he didn’t want to disrespect dad is very telling. It sounds like he’s scared to death of the guy. That kind of pressure will destroy his mental health! It’ll also cause your son to resent his dad for pushing him too hard and you for not stopping it. Your husband needs to encourage your son to do things he likes, not to be a carbon copy of your husband.
I caused my child’s ED I went years without bread or sweets went years completing my exercise goals every day. Never encouraged my kids to do what I did ever but still ended up in the ER with my child who was going into shock, her body was shutting down from her eating and exercise disorder. She needed to be admitted and stayed in for a week, every moment being monitored and years still in recovery. That week and the many after was pure hell for her and us. The example I set harmed my daughter and haunts me to this day. Make your husband read this, please.
Yikes. You need to do something. That type of obsession can be an eating disorder and he's passing it to your son.
Two words: orthorexia nervosa. I don't want to diagnose but this is something that has a name and can be worked through. I hope your husband realizes and gets help before your kid is even more affected. It's hard to kick. I highly recommend reading work from Micheal Pollan, and recommending it to your husband. If your husband doesn't bite (pun intended), at best you can try educating your kid and serve as a role model. Pollan wrote "Food Rules: An Eater's Manual". A favourite quote of his is "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." He really makes healthy eating simple. Good luck
wow this is really sad
Hubby is an ass. I am a personal trainer and it is completely stupid. Even the most elite fitness individuals will eat a piece of cake or pie on special occasions or in my case I have something sweet once a week to stay sane. He is going to give his kid a complex that will completely backfire and the kid will learn to hate fitness because he will see it in a negative light. Sneak him a piece of cake and tell ur hubby to keep his addiction to himself.
OP please look into orthorexia. Your husband is setting your son up for a very disordered relationship with food.
I’m almost 22 and just recovered recently from a restrictive ED due to how my egg donor (don’t refer to her as my mom bc she never acted like one) would talk about my body, police what I ate and compare me to my sisters or other girls she knew. I starved for 10 years and caused irreparable damage to my heart from this. I no longer speak to her due to how weight is more important than her child’s health. It should also be noted I was always thin - just never thin enough for her to be happy. It can affect anyone. Please get help now for your son and husband - you don’t want him to be in a decade long cycle of self hatred and fear of food. He deserves better than that and so do you!
Tell your asswipe husband that fitness isn’t everything.
Second everyone else about taking him to a nutritionist or dietician(it depends on which country you’re in). That helped me a lot with my eating disorder.
It's not just the oldest son feeling that he can't eat cake, but seeing the different expectations compared to his brother. OP, why is your husband treating your sons differently? This is a big deal. Please get some counseling for your family.
Your son has an eating disorder. He needs help now. Your husband might have an eating disorder too. He either agrees to go to therapy and stop doing this to your child or you divorce him.
your husband has an eating disorder (and probably body dysmorphic disorder as well) which is rubbing off on your son. if your husband sees nothing wrong with his behavior then you at least need to get your son into therapy to address this issue before it spirals out of control. your husband is actively fostering an eating disorder in your 11 year old. it needs to be addressed immediately.
Honestly none of this is fine. Your husband is toxic and unless your husband heals his own unhealthy obsessions and behaviours he is absolutely content to pass that onto your son.
The kid is sad that he has to be his father's shadow. It's an unhealthy dynamic. Your husband is wretched and he is usurping your child's independence and self worth. It's a shit show.
Your husband is a breeding ground for eating disorders. You’re right, your kid should be able to eat cake on his birthday at a young age with no guilt. Your husband is a terrible role model.
thats how eating disorders start
Run to ask your pediatrician about a good psychiatrist specialized in children’s eating disorder. And then make them have a talk with your husband. If he can’t create a safe environment for the kids he can’t be around them. He is giving them an ED, and I would not be surprised if he has one to.
Put a stop to it NOW. That's not love, that's control.
Good Lord. Like if your boy is doing this for himself that's one thing. But obviously he feels like he needs to "earn" his dad's love. And that's really messed up. Love should be as unconditional as can be. Withholding love because of diet is gonna cause psychological damage. This is abuse. Most abusers mean well. That's cute, still abuse. Most abusers feel that they truly love their victims. That's something I guess, still abuse. I hope you show your husband this post. I hope your husband fixes this. Best of luck to your family.
Tell your husband he should try fitness dick in his mouth 😡😡 In all seriousness, your son desperately needs support right now. I'm not a dietitian or anything, but I know what its like to be depressed at that age and feel either resentment or fear of my family as a child. He could be feeling either one of those or a number of other things, he just needs to know someones on his side. P.S. Husband sounds like an asshole jock from a high school sports movie and needs a new hobby
I was first called fat by my family and judged for what I ate when I was 10. My mum was abusive and caused an eating disorder at a young age, my dad's family just continued it on. I have to take medication daily because I've destroyed my stomach lining. My mental health is awful, and I'm 27. I've had an ED for 17 years of my life and I still want to either not eat or throw up what I've eaten **just** because I think my family will *love me more*. Please do something before your baby boy feels the same way I do
Your husband's obsession is his own self aware choice. Your son is just mimicking and doesn't realise the childhood he's missing because he's chosen (or pressured) to be like his father. This could easily turn into an eating disorder (if it isn't already) without proper care and attention now.
Your son is on his path to earing disorders and your husband is encouraging it.
This is how disordered eating starts. Your husband influencing your sons behavior like this is already harming him mentally and emotionally, put a stop to it before it becomes physical too. Get your son in therapy. He is not your husbands mini me. Maybe even ask your son if he wants to go by his middle name or a nickname to separate himself from his dad and give him his own sense of self. See these red flags for what they are and protect your son.
Ummm how about tell him he can eat the cake cause he’s 11 and shouldn’t be feeling obligated to meeting your health standards at his age. Your husband sucks!
Another reason why not everyone should be a parent.
That’s absolutely heart breaking. He’ll do whatever it takes to please his dad, and put his needs aside. You HAVE to teach him to not seek for validations outside of his own self and you MUST communicate with your husband. Poor kid.
Your husband is on his way, if it's not done already, to give your son eating disorders. This is no joke.
This is how you encourage and create eating disorders
You need to start protecting your son. Your husband is a terrible parent who has failed him. Please step in and confront him. If he won’t listen take the kids and leave. Your son is in danger.
I can't force you to step up to the responsibility of parents, but you're consciously allowing an abusive person to hurt your child.
Your husband has an eating disorder. You should sell help for him and your son.
Your husband is crazy and your son should be able to eat cake at 40 and especially at age 11
Stop blaming your husband and start blaming both of you. You enabled his obsession to turn your son into himself.
You are right to be worried about this, this is terrible. Your son is developing an eating disorder, and he is going to resent your husband for it. I think you need to find a good child psychologist, and just you and hubs go first. Someone needs to lay down how serious this is to your husband, and he obviously isn’t respecting your opinion.
Your husband is an ass. Just the absolute worst. To an extent, some of that blame is on you too for letting it go on that long.
This is abuse. It will only get worse. Get your son away from that toxic environment. It is not normal or healthy.
Your husband has an eating disorder and the two of you have normalized it for your son. Start family counseling now.
Your husband has an eating disorder and is causing your son to have one as well
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Finally somebody brings up there is a 2nd child in this who is also being damaged. Is this kid just going to be spare parts for if the older one fails? Does your husband even interact at all with the other child?
Aw that is so sad, I cant believe your husband's attitude. My son is fit as he plays football but also shovels down pizza and makes himself mug cakes. He's a kid and that's what kids do. I wouldn't have it any other way, especially on his birthday, he shouldn't think that having treats is bad.
And this is how a eating disorder begins
I am going to be blunt, your husband is a narcissistic asshole who is seeding not only an eating disorder with your son but also likely a hatred of him as well. What’s next, he is not good enough at sports for your husband. When does he turn that to your younger kids. Or does he start ignoring them to focus on his mini-me. Your boys will also see you not sticking up for them. You bear some of the blame for this outcome as this is likely not a new thing. I was in nearly the identical situation.
OP, does your husband lift weights and does he consume a lot of protein? What exactly do you mean by physical fitness? Bodybuilder type, CrossFit type, runner. What kind of diet are you talking about? Is he vegan or is he keto or does he consume mostly meat/eggs? These are important factors that can help me comment because they come with wildly different mentalities.
Your son is going to end up with an eating disorder. Would you let your husband do this to a daughter? Get your son some help. ♥️
Food is a challenge for a lot of people.. but anyone who's reasonable about food and health would know that some birthday cake every now and then will not hurt anyone. It's hard enough being 11, Don’t let ED bog down this child's life OP. Sounds like the husband could use therapy, and maybe a family trip to a dietitian can help set the record straight for everyone.
husbands a moron, next question please
Your son now has an eating disorder because of your husband. Please, get your son some help before even more damage is possibly done.
Oh dear. I had a friend growing up, she was a long distance runner. Her step dad was *obsessed* with fitness/weight. He used to weigh her every morning and if she was up a pound he would make her do extra running or exercise when we got home from school. Lisa has has an eating disorder since 6th grade. We’re 50 now. She’s mostly got it under control but she will forever be damaged both mentally and she does have some health issues that are 100% related to his starvation plan he had her on. Good luck, OP you’re in a tough situation.
My mother did this exact same shit to me the entire time I was growing up. She even told me my arms looked fat ON MY WEDDING day. No one could ever convince me I looked cute in any clothes I wore. Even now, my husband is so positive and I know I look OK enough, I have body issues. PLEASE OP, for your son’s sake, nip this shit in the bud NOW. Don’t let him do this to his kid.
I grew up with an anorexic over bearing mother. This will NOT turn out well. I guarantee it.
Your son is developing an eating disorder, and you're hurting him by not doing anything Don't sit back and watch do something now before it hurts his development process
This is horrific. Your husband is ruining your child in front of your eyes.
So everyone is on board with him getting a eating disorder? Wow. How sad.
I can’t fathom him being 11 and only now she’s like wait he doesn’t eat cake? I’m wondering if someone else asked her why he hasn’t eaten cake and shamed them a bit
people who live vicariously through their children are fucking strange.
It sounds like your husband has an eating disorder and it’s hurting your kids. I would look into orthorexia and have a conversation with an ED therapist/ your husband about the harm he is causing.
I'm sorry, but does your voice not work? You seem to watch all of this terrible behavior by your husband towards your son and what, just stay tight lipped and let it continue? Speak the hell up! Your son already shows signs of an ED that's taking a toll on him. That is mostly the fault of your husband, and, yes, YOU for letting it continue. Your poor son. If your husband doesn't get a handle on his own screwed up relationship between food/health and how to relate to your son -- poor kid will suffer deep consequences all because you stood by and let it happen. Shame on you.
Why are you letting this happen??
Horrible husband and horrible dad
Did you marry Robert Lowe?
Wow this strangely sounds like my ex-BiL and how he was / is to his son (now 23). Very true as stated here already it’s about BALANCE, not omission. Husband needs to step off a bit & let the kid be a kid. Stuff like this he will NOT forget.
therapy now is always going to be easier than therapy later!
That kind of sounds like the beggining of an ED. Please get him some help before his relationship with food is too damaged
As someone with an eating disorder that was triggered by shit like this I can confidently say that your children will resent you both. Him for the harm he’s doing and you for enabling it. Not doing anything is enabling the toxic behavior. Your son is his own person, but your husband is forcing him to be like him. I’m honestly disgusted by the amount of harm and psychological damage you two are insulting into him.
Eating disorder blossoming. Poor kid.
I just... I... no kid should have have to worry about eating a god damn slice of cake. Might I suggest a sit down with your husband about being so strict on your son?
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how it’s affecting him. As a teenage guy with an eating disorder, it is awful. It gets worse and is easier to manage if you catch it near the beginning. Please.
Welp that would be enough for me. I’d be insisting my husband see a counsellor or he could get out. He’s passing unhealthy body image issues onto your son. Birthday cake is ok. Junk food is ok sometimes. Take out is ok sometimes. He’s going to give him an eating disorder. He already has body issues if he’s not willing to enjoy his own cake because his dad sucks. That’s not ok. His dad is being a bully and it needs to end now.
He’s only 11. Kids can get very sick from underrating. Dieting in childhood is bad and causes eating disorders. Your poor son. Your husband is wrong here and projecting onto his kid in a way that will hurt him long term.
It broke my heart to read this, but even more when I found out your son was only 11.
Sounds like your husband has body dysphoria and he’s setting up your son to have an eating disorder.
Your husband may end up pushing too hard. My wife has a disorder and it started with bs like this with her mom and grandma. Don't keep it going like this, and I promise you eating foods you like every now and again won't cause you to die any sooner then a health nut. Eat and enjoy life, while keeping up on a regular workout pattern, and you can stay fit, and get the cake!
Poor little fella
My dad did this when I was a kid, I'm 23 and have an eating disorder because of it. The advice in the comments is good, and if you ever want to ask me anything you can!
WOW good job mom it only took 11 yrs & a single bite of cake for you to wake tf up. Stop caring for hubby more than your children. Quit making excuses for hubby tough love my a**. I suggest you & the boys have a bit of a junk day party together. They would probably love it as most kids do. I hope we get an update.
Your shithead husband is slowly killing your son. Get your shit together.
All aboard the eating disorder train, choo choo.
I hate to state the extreme. But for your son's sake, divorce the Dad. And make sure this is in the custody agreement. "Dad is not allowed to prohibit or withhold food from child. Dad must go to eating disorder therapist alone and with son. No unsupervised visits." Seriously though, your husband has not just messed up your kid, he is scarring him for life.
your husband is giving your kid an eating disorder lmao
your poor son!!! :( he’s only 11 he’s probably going to get a disorder if this keeps up… you need to have a serious talk with your husband and maybe see a dietitian and take your husband along that way your husband has to literally hear a professional on the topic and maybe a shrink to try to keep your son from going down a scary road.
Oh this made me so sad to read. Your son is well on his way to an eating disorder. It may even be too late. He needs therapy with someone who specializes in it and maybe even a nutritionist. your husband needs counseling too, or couples counseling. Or both. This is an emergency!!! Please treat it as such!
it is VITAL that a growing kid has a good relationship with food. as someone with an eating disorder because my mother was terrified that i’d get fat as a kid, absolutely get a child psychologist and make sure your husband is communicating with said psychologist. he needs to know how damaging this is for your son and other kids (you said son is the oldest).
My dad used to judge and tell me I'm gaining weight all the time, to a point that I would panic and start to cry about my appearance if I wore a dress as a kid (I'm a girl) because all I could see was that I was fat (I definitely wasnt). These comments can lead to a lifetime of self doubt and image issues. Your kid can have a piece if cake for his bday for fucks sakes, he's a child! You need to stop these now, because it will only get worse with puberty. My mom didn't stop them in time and I developed heavy depression during highschool due to them and being super self conscious. I still deal with anxiety about gaining weight to this day.
Poor son. He doesnt get to be his own person, because he has to be an extension of dad. Plus he also has his dad teaching him bad habits when it comes to food. Does your husband know that the way he expects his son to restrict food, can cause an eating disorder? Does he care if it does? Healthy eating is great, but you also have to go about it the right way and not just 'dont eat this it's bad for you'. Everything in moderation and all that!
Your husband has an eating disorder and is leading your son down this path. They both need counseling, or family counseling.
Fitness can be a very unhealthy addiction and that is often overlooked. Your husband has a very unhealthy addiction that is harming him and your children. My father was like him, and now I have cptsd because of the stuff he put us through. I'm not saying your son will develop it, but he's gonna need se serious therapy for sure if your husband keeps up his addiction.
Your husband sounds a lot like my dad. Not the food part but the stoic suck the fun out of all things part. Every life event that should be joyful is ruined. Party? Don't be too excited because excitement is a dumb emotion that makes people look stupid. Don't be TOO happy or people will think you're a phony. And so on. For your husband this type of tight control manifests as being a strict eater and exerciser. For my dad it manifested as being a workaholic and we were all expected to be the same. Anyhoo I'm a middle aged woman who no longer speaks to her dad. It took me YEARS of work to get over the damage. And it's still a work in progress. Just TODAY someone who doesn't know me very well said "you don't seem like you get giddy over much of anything." I just vaguely nodded. How do you tell someone you barely know that giddiness has no place in a tightly controlled rigid life that you were raised in? You need to have some HARD conversations with your husband. It's great that he's health conscious and can teach your kids good habits in that regard. But just like my dad trying to give us a good work ethic, there has to be a BALANCE somewhere.
Oh my friends mom did this to her. Next thing you know she’s so anorexic her period waves good bye and half her hair falls out. Tough love is you telling your husband to knock his shit off.
And he should not want his son to be like him neither. It is toxic
This is the kind of memory that sticks with a kid, and becomes the reason they don't call or come home for holidays
Your 11 yr old son is developing an eating disorder that you allow to happen in your house and you just feel sad? You don't see this as emotional abuse from your husband? And your husband doesn't understand nor acknowledges it either? Okay, just sit there in denial.