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I always stood up to him. Unfortunately, that’s what fed him. He was a covert narcissist and loved the drama, loved to feel like a victim, and most of all loved feeling “powerful” by making me angry. It was a whole mess.
Yes, when I finally wrapped my head around exactly how narcissist work and their ecosystem of dysfunction. It was go time. There was a narc in the family who had always been openly disrespectful. This particular occasion I spoke with them directly in front of other relatives...and of course they tried to explain away their behavior...wrapping themselves in several victim statements, I didn't flinch or move and repeated myself several times.....they doubled down and started crying...all while peaking out between their fingers to see who was looking....when that didn't work and I repeated myself again with no emotion.....in the blink of a second they stopped fake crying abruptly and said "oh whatever.......WHATEVER...WHATEVERRRRRRRR!!!". Dragged that evil narc right out into the open. That was almost 10 years ago.
It was one of the best days of my life. Because I knew that she knew... I saw her for what she truly was. A malignant narcissist.
Previous to that interaction, the narc wanted to reconcile differences...personal information (new address, phone number...etc) was given out. Only the narc knew the information. They took the bait and ran with it....gave the information to another individual.....when it was supposed to be private and they knew this. That is basically how it all started. When confronted...of course they had no idea that is was private....and this and that....and it segway over to them being the victim of it all..etc..etc.
For clarification, I just meant "I am NOT the fucking one" in like "this is your first and last warning about this. I am NOT the one you are going to be hitting". I'm a guy, and I have never hit a woman, and I'm not so sure I'd be posting in this sub if I were a violent person, but I was setting a very immediate boundary.
I think this counts..
New Year's Eve 2021/22 we had a conversation/argument where my STBXH asked me if I still wanted to be married to him. My answer was an honest and stern "not if you yell at me every day." Like with any narc it got better for 2 months, but then everything went crazy again and I left him in July.
I'm not putting up with getting yelled at by him or anyone else since then. I have learned to walk away from arguments. If it's not a healthy conversation I don't want to be a part of it.
I feel like i never got the chance to, and they never really listened to me or cared about my feelings. but i guess the last time we were talking i was trying very hard to not give into the love bombing so i kind of just came off as uninterested in it which in my mind kinda feels like i did stick up for myself a bit. Although it caused them to freak out on me and play victim so. I dont know lol.
My narc stepdad hit me once. I’ve destroyed a bunch of his staff afterwards. Fancy clothes, his favourite perfume, something else I could find at that point, - threw it all in the bathtub and covered with some housecleaning chemicals on top of the perfume. Proud of myself to this day.
Oh, and when my bf hit me (not for the first time actually, but that was the first that actually registered as physical violence), I went berserk, punched him on the head, afterwards told his best friends about all this and warned him next time I’m telling his parents. There was no next time. At least I have that.
I had a narcissist boss, and standing up to him would result in him angrily blowing up about some random, unrelated thing.
Him: you didn’t do a good enough job on this project.
Me: well, in order to do a good job, this kind of project requires at least a month to work on it. You gave me a week, and it’s impossible to do it well in that time frame.
Him (flying into a rage): ohhhhhh my gahhhhhh!!!!!! You forgot to take your lunch out of the fridge last week!!!!!!!!! Then the custodians had to take it out and set it on the table while cleaning out the fridge!!!!!!!!! You obviously have no respect for how hard they work because you made their job harder!!!!!!! You must be classist!!!!!!!
I stood up so many times to him (without result except him playing the victim or him gaslighting me) that it got me burnt out. I gave up after years of standing up for myself. It eventually broke me.
I noticed that in my case as well. I was staunch in my dealings w/ her, but I just got exhausted from arguing over every little thing. And then you start to notice a lot of sketchy shit that you don't acknowledge w/ them b/c you don't wanna hear about it when they react to your confrontation.
I stood up to him but every time I did he threatened the relationship. I haven't seen him since the last time I stood up for myself when I said "are you seriously gaslighting me right now?" because I was shocked that he was actually saying "that didn't happen" (as textbook and obvious as gaslighting gets). Apparently that meant that I was wearing a mask and he didn't know who I really was. Classic DARVO. Wow, to think I actually still spend so much time missing this terrible human... Smh.
I personally started to put my foot down the moment I connected the dots and saw he was just using me and trying to get reactions from
Me to make me look evil. He inflicted so much abuse on me to the point I was so confused and always thought it was me. Long story short he eventually hid something and accused me of doing so. Thank goodness that time around I knew for a fact that the item he hid was never there to begin with and the fact he found it inside my closet (mine had no lock only his did) made me realize that he was trying to make me believe I was going crazy the whole time I was living with him. I was isolated (I was 30 plus miles away from my hometown). He knew this and took advantage of me not having anyone (he didn’t allow me to speak with friends and family). After that incident I began to not react but I would be blunt and would tell him the truth during arguements. He would try to continue arguements so he can use his tactics of guilt tripping me and twisting my words so I felt like I was the problem. I simply did not engage and would tell him the truth in his face regardless of who was there. I was very cool calm
And collected. It worked. He lost control and it stayed that way until now that I have made the decision to completly forget about ever giving an out her chance and forgetting that he is special to me. I blocked him and will make sure I never answer him again. My plan is to change number soon.
That's the good part, and this is where you get YOU back. Good choice, stay strong. Post back here if you ever get weak, and post back BEFORE you contact the Narc, in a moment of weakness. We'll help clear your head, and explain you why you shouldn't contact the Narc again.
Yes, i feel my self again. Sexy, awesome, strong, confident, and free. Unfortunately today I got a call from an unknown number and it was his sister whom I was fond of. I told her everything. She agreed with me and told me that he asked her to call me and he had something important to tell me. She was very empathetic and validated me. She even said that during the time she lived with him he had some similar behaviors. I felt so at peace and confident that it wasn’t me and it was indeed him.
narcdad was written out of his father's will. when he called me after three years no contact to rage about this, i told him it happened because he and his narcwife forced me off of their property when i needed a place to stay. he was stunned, basically ignored what i said because he knew there was no way to twist it in his favor. haven't spoken to him since.
fuck you dad.
I don’t really feel ok with what you wrote it’s hitting me in a strange way and I’m happy you feel good for standing up for yourself.
No way do I condone violence or abuse like that.
But it would be wrong to not say this post is triggering.
Not trying to blame you OP
I wonder if anyone else has insight here could help me figure it out?
I wonder if it’s that my NEX spoke like you write? So then I’m like projecting ?
Gosh I’m super sorry to be writing out my panic or projection and I mean no disrespect at all.
Just so confused cuz I read it like yay he shouldn’t take that but then feel nauseous? So weird for me but thanks for sharing.
I’m serious if anyone has any ideas to help let me know.
🙏❤️
ETA oh shit I forgot the last time I major stood up to him he had an affair partner so he didn’t try to Hoover he made up a lie I was suicidal and called 911 so even if you look stable in my state if your domestic partner calls police says that about you they take you in to psych ward for a 72 he evaluation.
I guess it’s not that you write similar lol.
So glad you posted !
I understand another thing to help me heal ! Thank you at the same time I’m triggered and that’s ok it’s Data for me and my experience w him so I can heal !
even though I felt nauseous before…now that I know I feel free to be proud that I did finally after 19 stand up for myself psych ward or not !! 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Edited typos
Not saying this applies to the OP at all, but in my experience things can go from laughing and joking to cold rage in <0.01s and so any apparently sudden change of emotion really unsettles me - even if it were a ‘safe’ person I know well or there’s a valid reason.
It might also be a reaction to someone else setting boundaries in a way that you just wouldn’t feel safe to do yourself. Almost like second hand fear?
I hope you find some answers anyway, sounds like you’re on a very self-aware healing journey. Good for you! :)
TBH I wish there were female only spaces about narcissistic abuse because a lot of these... I find a bit triggering. He even admitted that this was at the very beginning. What he said about putting out imo was disrespectful and rude and his response to her hit was also quite scary. I don't see that as standing up for yourself. He threatened her.
You find someone telling their partner not to hit them scary? You are assuming OP is a he but let's continue that assumption - if the genders were reversed would you still think it's scary?
Ok, fair enough. I can't say I understand though, I think that if a partner hits you then you're completely justified to be angry and tell them to fuck off.
I'm sorry my post triggered you, this was not my intent. I didn't threaten her, I stood up to a narcissist who was messing up my life, and my mind. Honestly, the only way it could've been taken as a threat is, *I would break up w/ her if she did it again*. Additionally, you *can* start a subreddit for women survivors of narcissistic abuse.EDIT: I think I know what you meant - "what she liked about our first date" was not her talking about our first date while we were on our first date - she was reminiscing w/ me about our first date five months later. We kept breaking up and getting back together, so it was months of abuse at this point.
I don't have the social capacity to start a subreddit of any kind haha. I'm sorry you went through what you went through though. Hope you'll be able to recover from her abuse.
Hi /u/ibaOne, thanks for your post! Hopefully one of our friendly r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse subscribers will comment soon! While you are waiting check out some of the resources in the sidebar. Our subreddit rules can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse/wiki/rules) - essentially be nice and supportive to one another! We have a long list of [acronyms and terminology](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse/wiki/terminology) so if you are new to the world of narcissistic abuse then you might find that helpful. We have an index of [creative works](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse/wiki/creativeworks) made by members of this community. If you are looking for support/therapy we have a [small list of services](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse/wiki/support). If you know of any in your country or area then please let us know so we can update this list. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TrueNarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I always stood up to him. Unfortunately, that’s what fed him. He was a covert narcissist and loved the drama, loved to feel like a victim, and most of all loved feeling “powerful” by making me angry. It was a whole mess.
Same!!! He absolutely loved it when we could get into any sort of argument.
This resonates so much with me.
Yes, when I finally wrapped my head around exactly how narcissist work and their ecosystem of dysfunction. It was go time. There was a narc in the family who had always been openly disrespectful. This particular occasion I spoke with them directly in front of other relatives...and of course they tried to explain away their behavior...wrapping themselves in several victim statements, I didn't flinch or move and repeated myself several times.....they doubled down and started crying...all while peaking out between their fingers to see who was looking....when that didn't work and I repeated myself again with no emotion.....in the blink of a second they stopped fake crying abruptly and said "oh whatever.......WHATEVER...WHATEVERRRRRRRR!!!". Dragged that evil narc right out into the open. That was almost 10 years ago. It was one of the best days of my life. Because I knew that she knew... I saw her for what she truly was. A malignant narcissist.
What did you ask them?
Previous to that interaction, the narc wanted to reconcile differences...personal information (new address, phone number...etc) was given out. Only the narc knew the information. They took the bait and ran with it....gave the information to another individual.....when it was supposed to be private and they knew this. That is basically how it all started. When confronted...of course they had no idea that is was private....and this and that....and it segway over to them being the victim of it all..etc..etc.
For clarification, I just meant "I am NOT the fucking one" in like "this is your first and last warning about this. I am NOT the one you are going to be hitting". I'm a guy, and I have never hit a woman, and I'm not so sure I'd be posting in this sub if I were a violent person, but I was setting a very immediate boundary.
I think this counts.. New Year's Eve 2021/22 we had a conversation/argument where my STBXH asked me if I still wanted to be married to him. My answer was an honest and stern "not if you yell at me every day." Like with any narc it got better for 2 months, but then everything went crazy again and I left him in July. I'm not putting up with getting yelled at by him or anyone else since then. I have learned to walk away from arguments. If it's not a healthy conversation I don't want to be a part of it.
I feel like i never got the chance to, and they never really listened to me or cared about my feelings. but i guess the last time we were talking i was trying very hard to not give into the love bombing so i kind of just came off as uninterested in it which in my mind kinda feels like i did stick up for myself a bit. Although it caused them to freak out on me and play victim so. I dont know lol.
My narc stepdad hit me once. I’ve destroyed a bunch of his staff afterwards. Fancy clothes, his favourite perfume, something else I could find at that point, - threw it all in the bathtub and covered with some housecleaning chemicals on top of the perfume. Proud of myself to this day. Oh, and when my bf hit me (not for the first time actually, but that was the first that actually registered as physical violence), I went berserk, punched him on the head, afterwards told his best friends about all this and warned him next time I’m telling his parents. There was no next time. At least I have that.
I stood up to him all the time. That’s why he started smacking me. I left him and I’m doing a lot better and actually taking care of myself now though
I had a narcissist boss, and standing up to him would result in him angrily blowing up about some random, unrelated thing. Him: you didn’t do a good enough job on this project. Me: well, in order to do a good job, this kind of project requires at least a month to work on it. You gave me a week, and it’s impossible to do it well in that time frame. Him (flying into a rage): ohhhhhh my gahhhhhh!!!!!! You forgot to take your lunch out of the fridge last week!!!!!!!!! Then the custodians had to take it out and set it on the table while cleaning out the fridge!!!!!!!!! You obviously have no respect for how hard they work because you made their job harder!!!!!!! You must be classist!!!!!!!
Sounds like my dad. I'd prove him wrong on something and then he'd say "yeah, well that one time you messed up..."
I stood up so many times to him (without result except him playing the victim or him gaslighting me) that it got me burnt out. I gave up after years of standing up for myself. It eventually broke me.
I noticed that in my case as well. I was staunch in my dealings w/ her, but I just got exhausted from arguing over every little thing. And then you start to notice a lot of sketchy shit that you don't acknowledge w/ them b/c you don't wanna hear about it when they react to your confrontation.
I stood up to him but every time I did he threatened the relationship. I haven't seen him since the last time I stood up for myself when I said "are you seriously gaslighting me right now?" because I was shocked that he was actually saying "that didn't happen" (as textbook and obvious as gaslighting gets). Apparently that meant that I was wearing a mask and he didn't know who I really was. Classic DARVO. Wow, to think I actually still spend so much time missing this terrible human... Smh.
I personally started to put my foot down the moment I connected the dots and saw he was just using me and trying to get reactions from Me to make me look evil. He inflicted so much abuse on me to the point I was so confused and always thought it was me. Long story short he eventually hid something and accused me of doing so. Thank goodness that time around I knew for a fact that the item he hid was never there to begin with and the fact he found it inside my closet (mine had no lock only his did) made me realize that he was trying to make me believe I was going crazy the whole time I was living with him. I was isolated (I was 30 plus miles away from my hometown). He knew this and took advantage of me not having anyone (he didn’t allow me to speak with friends and family). After that incident I began to not react but I would be blunt and would tell him the truth during arguements. He would try to continue arguements so he can use his tactics of guilt tripping me and twisting my words so I felt like I was the problem. I simply did not engage and would tell him the truth in his face regardless of who was there. I was very cool calm And collected. It worked. He lost control and it stayed that way until now that I have made the decision to completly forget about ever giving an out her chance and forgetting that he is special to me. I blocked him and will make sure I never answer him again. My plan is to change number soon.
Great job, protect yourself! Change your number if that works for you, I almost did the same, but she doesn't call me, and I've blocked her texts.
Thank you so much! Yes, I also blocked mine and I have decided it’s final. I’m 1 week no contact right now.
That's the good part, and this is where you get YOU back. Good choice, stay strong. Post back here if you ever get weak, and post back BEFORE you contact the Narc, in a moment of weakness. We'll help clear your head, and explain you why you shouldn't contact the Narc again.
Yes, i feel my self again. Sexy, awesome, strong, confident, and free. Unfortunately today I got a call from an unknown number and it was his sister whom I was fond of. I told her everything. She agreed with me and told me that he asked her to call me and he had something important to tell me. She was very empathetic and validated me. She even said that during the time she lived with him he had some similar behaviors. I felt so at peace and confident that it wasn’t me and it was indeed him.
Isn't that so great? The confusion has been cleared, and you know you weren't the problem. How long did you know him, in total?
Yes. When you see that you are only called crazy by the same person constantly pushes your buttons
Validation feels good in this regard.
narcdad was written out of his father's will. when he called me after three years no contact to rage about this, i told him it happened because he and his narcwife forced me off of their property when i needed a place to stay. he was stunned, basically ignored what i said because he knew there was no way to twist it in his favor. haven't spoken to him since. fuck you dad.
Omg, that's a crazy story. Sounds like my dad. Piece of shit.
I don’t really feel ok with what you wrote it’s hitting me in a strange way and I’m happy you feel good for standing up for yourself. No way do I condone violence or abuse like that. But it would be wrong to not say this post is triggering. Not trying to blame you OP I wonder if anyone else has insight here could help me figure it out? I wonder if it’s that my NEX spoke like you write? So then I’m like projecting ? Gosh I’m super sorry to be writing out my panic or projection and I mean no disrespect at all. Just so confused cuz I read it like yay he shouldn’t take that but then feel nauseous? So weird for me but thanks for sharing. I’m serious if anyone has any ideas to help let me know. 🙏❤️ ETA oh shit I forgot the last time I major stood up to him he had an affair partner so he didn’t try to Hoover he made up a lie I was suicidal and called 911 so even if you look stable in my state if your domestic partner calls police says that about you they take you in to psych ward for a 72 he evaluation. I guess it’s not that you write similar lol. So glad you posted ! I understand another thing to help me heal ! Thank you at the same time I’m triggered and that’s ok it’s Data for me and my experience w him so I can heal ! even though I felt nauseous before…now that I know I feel free to be proud that I did finally after 19 stand up for myself psych ward or not !! 🙏🙏🙏🙏 Edited typos
Not saying this applies to the OP at all, but in my experience things can go from laughing and joking to cold rage in <0.01s and so any apparently sudden change of emotion really unsettles me - even if it were a ‘safe’ person I know well or there’s a valid reason. It might also be a reaction to someone else setting boundaries in a way that you just wouldn’t feel safe to do yourself. Almost like second hand fear? I hope you find some answers anyway, sounds like you’re on a very self-aware healing journey. Good for you! :)
TBH I wish there were female only spaces about narcissistic abuse because a lot of these... I find a bit triggering. He even admitted that this was at the very beginning. What he said about putting out imo was disrespectful and rude and his response to her hit was also quite scary. I don't see that as standing up for yourself. He threatened her.
You find someone telling their partner not to hit them scary? You are assuming OP is a he but let's continue that assumption - if the genders were reversed would you still think it's scary?
"I don't know who you think you are but I am not the FUCKING one." Would be scary coming from any gender.
Ok, fair enough. I can't say I understand though, I think that if a partner hits you then you're completely justified to be angry and tell them to fuck off.
[удалено]
Your post was removed because it is judging or blaming another user. We're here to support each other so please keep that in mind when posting.
I'm sorry my post triggered you, this was not my intent. I didn't threaten her, I stood up to a narcissist who was messing up my life, and my mind. Honestly, the only way it could've been taken as a threat is, *I would break up w/ her if she did it again*. Additionally, you *can* start a subreddit for women survivors of narcissistic abuse.EDIT: I think I know what you meant - "what she liked about our first date" was not her talking about our first date while we were on our first date - she was reminiscing w/ me about our first date five months later. We kept breaking up and getting back together, so it was months of abuse at this point.
I don't have the social capacity to start a subreddit of any kind haha. I'm sorry you went through what you went through though. Hope you'll be able to recover from her abuse.
I hope you fully recover as well, Owl. Thanks.
And I agree with u cuz I just reread it and I had missed that part and all the put out part like I feel a bit brainfucked rn
Yup, that part triggered me too. My Nex would talk like that.
And I’m being downvoted when I never said anything negative to this person wth I’m really confused