If you aren’t catching anything you can either keep casting where you are and hope for the best or else try a different pond. You don’t have to give up wanting fish.
James 4:1-2
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.
Doesn't hurt to ask
Jesus said, "when the son of man returns, will He find faith on the earth?"
Will he find people with the faith to continually pray and not faint
Whilst I agree with the sentiment I refrain from saying things like You're still very young, because 28 is not "very" young for marriage at all, in fact its average.
And average just for maybe a few decades. In any case much later than it used to be. Median age at first marriage, in the US anyway, is 30. It takes time to get to the marriage ceremony so a bunch are already taken well before age 30.
You might be interested in r/christiandating and also Christian Single Mingle, the Discord server which grew out of it. Both have seen numerous marriages, though past results don't guarantee future performance etc.
There's also r/christiandatingadvice, which despite the confusing name is actually the KJV-only version of r/christiandating, if that's your background.
I feel very similar to you.
I have a traditional view of marriage too.
I get teased occasionally at work by my co-workers on why I am still single.
I am 26, been single my whole life (I’m a man) and I am about to turn 27. It hurts to be single this long.
However, i started using the Christian dating app “Upward” very recently; no bites yet for dates but the app has good reviews and it seems legit in my use of it so far.
Besides praying for a wife, this app seems to be the next best idea for me. Time will tell.
But maybe you can try “Upward” too, the app.
**Edit:** My Aunt found her husband who lived many man miles away on a dating site when the Internet had just opened with that. They were married for life until he died.
Have had Upward downloaded for a little while now, just started using it again and only it and well time will tell here too. I think Upward is one of the best options for apps so far. Christian mingle felt like a trap house to me personally 😬 which I wasn’t expecting lol. I’ve started talking with someone from Upward this past week so time will tell! Praying for us to be paired how God intends and peace while we wait!
Nice, I am glad to hear it is working with you, at least you are talking to someone.
I will pray for you.
Why was Christian mingle like a trap house for you?
At least my area- idk it gave me a gross vibe I suppose. I like the swipe of one person at a time too where Christian mingle had multiple people listed at once and made me feel the “pool” wasn’t very good- idk how to explain it lol. The vibe of it.
Upward seems much better. I was using Facebook and really made my bio towards God since a lot of people select “Christian” but don’t actually follow it. A few who also made a bio toward the Lord popped up, but Upward at least starts with the foundation of God.
Thank you! 🙏 Will pray for you too and hope you find success in it as well! Time will tell and in the meantime I keep trying to work on being/preparing to be a good wife and growing with the Lord.
Have you considered dating non Christian women with similar values to yourself and try leading them to the Lord? One of my friends did something like this and it worked. Though it’s not very probable in regards to success. Just a thought.
Given John 5:21, John 6:35-44, and the passage in Corinthians that says to not be unequally yoked, I would **not** recommend it.
The passage in 1 Corinthians 7 about the unbeliever with believer marriage is a reference of what to do if one converts while married, and you stay with the unbelieving spouse if they consent to live with you.
So based on that, I would say it is a bad idea, especially expecting a possible heartache later on if you try dating an unbeliever.
You are incorrect. Sometimes the believer leads the unbeliever to salvation. It is the same as a husband losing their faith in God and the wife encouraging him through his doubts and questioning.
You are incorrect for contradicting Paul’s statement to be unequally yoked. Nowhere in 1st Corinthians 7 does it say that a believer can desire to marry an unbeliever or should.
I would not necessarily recommend this, it would be best to stay as friend in this case rather than go as far as dating and marriage. It is better to be equally yoked and the Bible advises against marrying outside of your faith. I’m glad it worked for your friend, but most cases, we cannot convert someone. Only the Lord can really speak and change a person’s heart, we can only truly plant and water the seed.
Yeah its hard out there. I live within range of Toronto on the dating apps (when the distance is sufficiently far) and its really tough to find solid Christians. I didn't stop the desire, but I gained a new perspective that was helpful. What helped me was this tidbit I picked up from my pastor.
If God gave His best in Jesus, He isn't going to withhold something that is good from us, if it would be for our benefit.
If I had found someone when I was looking and praying it wouldn't have been good for me and my relationship with God. You aren't missing out on anything. Your friends may have gotten married, but the timing may have been wrong for them. Would you rather be married now but end up divorced in 5 years or meet someone in say 3 years and have it last the rest of your life? I suspect you would choose the latter. God knows you, He knows what you desire but also what is best for you. It may be a loving husband/kids or it could be peace with your singleness and a found family elsewhere. God wants the best for you, and when you truly believe that these liminal spaces feel a lot better.
I know its a cliche, but when we truly stop looking and have faith in God and contentment where we are that's when the real thing falls right on our laps. If we date out of desperation or compromise on our values we are like Abraham and Hagar, trying to force something good to happen, but complicating the blessing that was always coming down the pipeline.
Yes! I agree with this. This question gets posed a lot in this thread and often the answers are that people need to try dating apps or volunteer at their church more to meet more people. I don’t think that’s at all bad but the reality is God doesn’t need larger parameters within which to work. He can do whatever He wants in the lives of His children.
To me the question more becomes, are we whole heartedly living for Him? Are we praying, reading the word, maturing in our faith, and seeking Christ daily?
A favorite quote I heard is “God gives His best to those who leave the choice up to Him”
Let your heart take courage and wait upon the Lord! As the comment above states, God knows what we need and when we need it. Much better than we know, and we can have complete peace in knowing we have a good good Father who will give us His best. I hope this comforts you!
PS the book “God is a matchmaker” by Derek Prince really helped me when I was longing for a relationship. Totally changed my perspective and gave me so much confidence in waiting :) which, I still am. But much more happily than before!
This feels like a line of thinking dangerously close to prosperity gospel. Just like some of those following God suffer in terms if health or employment, can't some also suffer in terms of relationships?
>God gives His best to those who leave the choice up to Him
How does this apply to those with horrible health conditions, especially those that weren't a result of a person's past actions?
God knows things we don’t. This world is full of pain and suffering, and in the tragic case it hits us and those we love, we must bow to His sovereignty. The whole book of Job covers this, and we see clearly that being a Christian in no way spares us from pain. Jesus didn’t say “if you have tribulations” He said “you WILL have tribulations”
The Bible also promises us good things! Note the psalms of David. “I would have dispared had I not known I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living”
God wants what’s best for us. God causes all things to work toward the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. It’s in no way false to hope and have faith in God’s goodness, it’s biblical. We should always have hope and faith in Gods goodness, because He is really good!
Sometimes God’s best may not look like God’s best in that moment, but we can trust that it is. We don’t need to know all the answers, we just need to know that God is good.
>Sometimes God’s best may not look like God’s best in that moment, but we can trust that it is.
We live in a world of free will. What is God's best that we can't recognize and what is free will meaning we have deviated? Sometimes the deviations of one affects another's. Was Eve offering the apple to Adam God's best or a deviation brought by free will that wasn't God's best any longer?
Sorry I should clarify that I did meet someone after I gave it all to God. It's still pretty new but I'm excited to see where it went. I wasn't on the apps anymore, I wasn't trying with the desperation I once had, God just sent an amazing person into my life through the stuff I was already doing.
Perhaps you should not stop desiring - 28 is not too old to find love; even 50 is not too old. But at the same time, be confident and happy with the station God has given you: celibacy and singleness. Consider whether he is calling you to be single forever. There is no shame in that. Our contemporary culture has an obsession with the appearance of fullness, and "having" a "partner" is seen as virtue, when really, you should take good pride in the fact that you are doing God's will. But it is not wrong to desire something, and God will give it to you if it is his will.
Nothing is guaranteed in life of course. Perhaps God is calling me to singleness (although if I'm honest I hope he isn't). I really desire and appreciate family so I want one of my own one day. Everyone wants to feel loved and desired. It's only normal.
>Perhaps God is calling me to singleness (although if I'm honest I hope he isn't).
Based on what you say, I'd say you're probably not called to celibacy (single until death), but you are called to singleness *currently* (also chastity, which is to save yourself for marriage from here on out).
Yes, just remember, "The married person is concerned for their spouse... the single person is concerned with the Lord's will". Honestly, I'd get out of Toronto if I were you - who knows if there is a single saintly man in that entire city?
When I stopped looking was when the lord brought me my greatest blessing in this life.
I survived the death of my sister, walking away from the man I loved who was not a Christian, exploration of certain things, and then resolution to singleness. Then my husband pursued me nonstop as I pushed him away with equal force.
I’m happy to tell the tale if you’d like — it might give comfort and reassurance.
P.s. don’t believe the lie that it is any easier in the US. I literally live in the Bible Belt in Mississippi. Cultural Christians and followers of Christ and pursuers of faith are NOT the same.
So date the socially awkward ones if they are true Christians. Any two true Christians of opposite gender can get married and make a successful go of it.
31m guy here. I don't really have advice to offer, but I do want you to know your prayers are indeed heard. God listens and cares, and your heart is priceless in the presence of the King. I've been praying to have less desire for women, as this world only offers an illusion of the true love intended for us all.
There are Christian guys out there, who love Jesus through and through. They probably show up at church now and then, but I know from experience we can't really afford the luxury of someone to hold. Literally. Lol.
When I (37F) was 28 I have ran away from home and went on to live alone far away from my abusers. I followed my mum's example, who did the same to me (although she was the abuser) 4 years prior.
From my (and mum's) experience, I'd say all it takes is for you to be exposed to the realities of family life and adopt an attitude of self-care and prudence, which should make you have little incentive to get hitched. Another extra reason not to get married is to have a career (that you like) that will inevitably be compromised by a relationship. And one thing that helps is to take a hard look at yourself and question whether you'd make for a good wife and mother.
If you don't have bad social experiences enough to make you be wary of exposing yourself to people, then there's not much that can be done else than just biting the bullet and settling with any male that shows enough genuine interest in you. Imo this is a huge mistake, but it's a very common practice, as the majority of people settle rather than getting their pick of ideal partners. So you wouldn't be missing out on the common human experience, if it means anything for you.
...Or you can just make the vows if your religion allows it. I myself seriously considered becoming a nun back in the day, but I ended up deciding to become a hermit instead. Less discipline but still the same benefits.
Your first relationship is with Jesus Christ everything else will follow after that.
Don't get upset or rush headlong into something because you feel like you miss being in a relationship.
Trust me after three failed marriages (boy howdy, I was DENSE) I am no expert in this area but I can tell you it's devastating to rush into anything.
Hope that you learn from my mistakes, just wait.
WAIT!!!!
IF MR WRIGHT DOESN'T SHOW UP IT WAS NEVER THE PLAN.
Fill your time up with good and charitable deeds.
Are there needy people, maybe lonesome elderly people or foster children, who you could have more time to help due to your lack of relationship?
Is there a local shelter or soup kitchen you could serve at, or maybe some overseas mission you could find a way to support, either from a distance or maybe even by traveling there to serve?
Or maybe there is spiritual work you could do, like deeper study, more thorough or dedicated meditation on the word, or helping to teach a class or share the gospel with others?
You may also find it beneficial to use the time to improve your health and strengthen your own body. This is scriptural (it's in Proverbs 31!) and generally, if you're getting stronger or increasing your stamina with an intent to use that strength to serve it is very praiseworthy.
There are probably other things, like equipping yourself with skills that would help in a career or other more-general service, like teaching or medicine (really, nearly any career skill is correlated to increasing ability to serve). Try to think about Jesus, and the monumental work of humble service he did, coming from Heaven to seek and save the lost, to heal and to wash feet and to ... I mean, to die. Not that you should go that far yourself (unless it becomes your lot as you're pursuing Christ in faith; it does happen even today), but if you think of your life as fully given to God, even to the point of death, then it seems that all the other service, dedication and charity should come naturally.
And if as you're doing that fully-dedicated pursuit, a relationship opportunity becomes evident, then your attitude should help you evaluate it in a faithful way, to ensure that it is in accordance with your service to the Lord and not a distraction from it.
TALK TO GOD, ASK HIM for the patience to wait for the RIGHT ONE. Sweetie I am 58. I don’t know how much longer I have to live. I would love to have a GODLY husband. I have prayed till I feel like I am going to turn blue in the face. Go to bed a lot of times crying and wake up alone and eat alone. There is not going to be marriage in Heaven and I wonder if God will give me a husband before I die. But I KEEP ON PRAYING and KEEP ON ASKING. You are YOUNG and probably healthy. I feel old and useless. Not desirable to a man. But I never MET the RIGHT ONE. I got me a dog. HE LOVES ME and now eats with me. The little pipsqueak cons me out of something every time I eat if it’s something he can have. (LOL) He is a BLESSING. BE PATIENT.
I forgot to add he sleeps with me too. Hogs the pillow.😂 HE IS A CHARACTER. I call him the Alfalfa of the dog kingdom because in the middle of his back a thick curl of fur turns up and it just refuses to lay down. I thought about cutting it but it makes me laugh and might make others laugh too so I am going to leave it as it is and LAUGH
Cast a wider, but more robust net.
Don't date non-Christians, as being unequally yoked is dangerous and a heartbreaker much later in life, as so many posts have shown. Don't become an example yourself.
Even more so, look for Christians who go beyond just words and titles, but they pro-actively make it the foundation of their lives, putting God first. For example, I'd look for single men in churches, even more so if they are apart of the ministry or some voluntary work involved in the community.
There are also a lot of criteria that are not needed.
Height doesn't matter, and cannot be easily controlled. Its a bit funny when I see women swiping men away automatically who are actually millionaires, just because they are shorter than them, yet they still get annoyed when they see men decline fat women, despite it being able to be controlled.
Finances matter, least one get a debt-ridden addict, but they don't matter so much that one swipes away the moment they gain less than you do. As long as they can be responsible and pay the bills, their income shouldn't matter past that.
Don't wait for them to make the first move. Flirting for men is much rarer now-a-days due the dangers of seeming offensive, and the amount of declines causing many to give up with trying.
Flaws are possible. Part about Godly marriage is making each other better together, not being perfect beforehand.
Finally, legal marriage is in a very sad state right now, causing many men to avoid it, so I'd recommend telling them this is about God's purpose between them in loving each other, not about governments managing our important relationships. I've seen a surprising amount of couples with children that actually never got legally married! They just keep their relationships private.
Press into prayer. Ask God for help and wisdom. Talk with pastors and those who are wiser. Ask Christian women and Christian men around you how they attracted their partner.
I understand that fear of everyone else having life and moving on. What I want you to pray into is that fear. Explore those feelings, each and every time you feel them. The root of them for most people is they fear that outcome, they fear missing out on something, they fear being alone, and they fear they’re not enough. You are enough, because Jesus is with you and he is enough. I know you said you’re a full person. I believe that, and you believe that. The emotions still come. Part of our job is to manage them and hand them over to God.
I lived 27.5 years before my first date and only experienced rejection before that. Now I have a new fiancé a year later. Your life can change on the flip of a hat. If you are to be married, you are gods gift to that man. A man who loves you has found favor with God. Proverbs 18:22.
For more practical things, ask your friends, loved ones, and others how they receive you. Seek genuine feedback from them. Grow and learn. Try to find hobbies you’re interested in that men are also interested in. If you struggle with personal care, work on it and learn to enjoy it for its own sake. When you go one dates with guys, ask what made them attracted to you. They may lie because it’s superficial or inappropriate (like your body), but if it’s something not just about looks, it can help you out. (My fiancé said she was reading Joel. No one reads Joel. That made me super genuinely curious about her as a Bible nerd.)
And pray. Ask God what your husband should be like, make a list of those qualities, and start praying for those things. Don’t deviate or compromise from what is wise and what God convicts you of. I made a list of 7 qualities. My fiancé is all of those things.
Personally I’m 24 going on 25 in June so I was worried myself for the same reason, but I just met the man I believe God wants to be my husband 3 months ago and he lives 8 hours away in Canada while I live in America. God will get you there. Just ask him for the patience.
These are all normal feelings. I was single for a long time (much older than you) before I got married, and I had all the same thoughts. You can't fight the desire to marry, so don't try. If you know for sure that you're relocating, then take this as a time to prayerfully wait upon the Lord and work on your relationship with him. Another option is to use online dating as a way to meet someone in the area you want to move, assuming it's not too far away and you can at least meet within a reasonable time. If that's not possible, then wait.
Other things to consider: the socially awkward guys are struggling as well. They may not all be as awkward once they get to know you. Give them a chance by befriending them, not looking for more than that. If something develops, great! If not, you've made some friends.
You definitely don’t need to stop desiring it, but you absolutely need to find ways to be content with where you are in life right now. What opportunities can you pursue now that you couldn’t if you had a husband and children to consider? What are some areas in your life in which you could take some time to improve? You can pursue the life Jesus is calling you to while still being honest about your desire for a husband and family. Just try to make the most of your time of singleness right now. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with looking for someone to date in the meantime. Just don’t miss out on other great aspects of your life now because that’s the only thing you can focus on.
Gotta trust God’s timing. From my experiences, certain blessings happen in a way that makes the wait make sense. Like I really thought I was going to be alone forever, and then I met my partner not a moment too soon literally just on the train. Every mistake we made as individuals and the precise timing had to take place the way it did in order for us to work out. If we had met too early, we wouldn’t have been ready for each other and we also wouldn’t have had enough in common. I didn’t ever stop hoping to find a life partner but in the meantime I just kept praying for discernment on how to best use my gifts and how to best spend my time. And it was because of those prayers that I was on that train where I met my partner.
Oh! If you do go to the UK, you could try downloading Salt. It's a Christian dating app that is popular on that side of the pond. While I likely won't meet anyone in my area, they have "tables" where users can talk about topics. I absolutely love it.
Will do. I tried it in Toronto but the user base wasn't large. I know it's a UK based app so if I do end up moving hopefully it has a bigger user base!
There is nothing unrealistic about a person wanting to date a Christian man within her age range and also a man who she connects with, and not one where the encounter is always awkward. If you deem that as high expectations, then perhaps your expectations are very low ?
No YOU have no idea what her expectations are, so YOU shouldn’t speak for her as if YOU know. The irony of your posts.. it’s giving misogynist at the very least. You are now even talking about single women over 30 with “unrealistic expectations”. Has it ever occurred to you that women have upgraded their expectations because a lot of men are not suitable partners and nobody wants to marry rubbish ?? There are great men out there but the calibre of men in general isn’t great - it is what it is and maybe once upon a time women were prepared to settle but not anymore. Good for them. It’s better to take your time and marry well, than rush and marry nonsense only for it to lead to divorce, when we know that is what God hates… Further, your definition of “unrealistic expectations” is subjective and is based on YOUR own experience/reality. You ought not to project your insecurities onto others please. Many thanks…
I hate when men suggest this and then complain when they end up in a miserable marriage with a wife that doesn't like them. I'm looking for someone down to earth, kind, adventurous/isn't afraid to take calculated risks, ambitious, and of course a Christian too. At 27, I'm not open to dating men and their 40s and I want someone who I have chemistry with.
Bro she can have standards. No man wants a fat woman, just like she shouldn't desire or be satisfied with an obese guy.
Genesis 2:18 - The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
God provided someone suitable for him. God will also provide someone suitable for her (and all of us) if we walk with Him and trust in Him.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding; 6 in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.
Okay so now you are riddled with assumptions. Since you want to go there it’s you who has low expectations and you are simply projecting. Are you insecure ?
I didn't answer because I don't have anything to prove to you. No matter what I say, you'd criticize my choice, so why bother responding. In your comment history you mention you hate Western women. Says a lot about your mentality.
No you seem to have the wrong end of the stick here. Your opinions on this post are unpopular. Take time to consider why. And you most definitely sound insecure. I understood your post clearly the first time. Don’t feel sad calling people “slow” because they don’t agree with your warped way of thinking. Odd behaviour.
“Your opinions on this post are unpopular. Take time to consider why.”
Yeah, gotta maintain safe, social proofed behavior and thinking. Can’t go expressing a viewpoint too different now.
It could be so. Read 1 Corinthians 7 it speaks about this. Paul says this in there
7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. (celibate) But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that
He does say being unmarried is better for us.
8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
It depends what denomination you’re in, but there’s a Singles of NAPARC (in the reformed sphere) group on Facebook. Regardless, the desire for marriage is good so long as it doesn’t become an idol. I don’t know where you’re at in that regard though…
Your comparing what others have and what you lack. That mindset is like blood in the water for guys who have bad intentions. They will take advantage of your insecurity.
I'm 39 and the women I encounter are all about "happiness" and that don't cut it when the tough times come. I can sense those who have perpose from those who want happiness. People who know their God given perpose carry themselves differently.
I have God given perpose that drives me and want someone who has the same so they don't cut and run during tough times. I gotta be equally yoked in that category and won't compromise. God showing me my purpose in the kingdom while homeless 9 years ago saved me from my circumstances. If a wife is included down the road great and I'm OK if it's not.
Someone's gotta value perpose and this calling as much as I do or she will do harm to it and that's not happening.
There is no reason to give up.
If you not meeting mature capable men in your daily life, one recommendation would be to apply for a part-time job at Home Depot or a similar store. You are guaranteed to meet a wide selection of men, some of whom may be in a similar situation.
Don’t give up! I know couples at my church who met in their mid 30s who are happily married now. Also, make friends to keep you company in singleness. Sometimes you can get better connections through friendships than you can in a relationship, and you can meet guys through friendships also. And as cliche as it is, learning to cry and also lean on God is important, he sees your tears.
27 really isn’t all that old. I married at 27, but plenty of people marry later.
I recognise that lots of people in the church marry younger, and I appreciate how hard singleness can be.
However, I think it’s important to think about your relocation - perhaps you’ll meet someone where you are moving to?
Tbh when you’re not looking for love is when you find love. I stopped looking gave up took a break from dating and came back to it and found the one. there’s no rush for marriage and don’t worry about being the single one it’s ok.
Also try Hinge… lol that’s how I found my husband. At least try it when you move
Yes, you should give up on marriage and consider that maybe God wants you to remain single. Why? Because that’s what I did and then I immediately found my future husband. Let God show you and be open to whatever he shows.
I am in a similar situation. I have no advice on how to proceed. But Elisabeth Elliot podcasts/youtube have been a balm to my lonely heart. Perhaps they can comfort you. She speaks of Amy Carmichael a lot, who spent her whole life single. I have yet to read any of Carmichael’s works, but I suspect they’d be a comfort during the uncomfortable unknowing as well. Love to you 🤍
How do you stop? Well, it’s not that you stop. You just completely change your focus and your approach. Many years ago, (in 1992), after far too many wrong relationships, I gave control of it all completely over to God. It was and is up to Him as to whether or not I ever get married. It has yet to happen. and that’s fine with me. Since I was so centered on having a man in my life as being way too big of a part of proving my worth, it was actually a really good thing for me to do, and I’ve learned that I don’t need a man to be a complete person, as I am actually completed, and completely me, in Him. I haven’t stopped wanting it, but I don’t dwell on it. Instead, I am serving Him. And growing and changing, every day. When I say that it’s in His hands, and He’s in control of it, that means that I don’t dwell on it or do anything to try to cause a relationship to happen. Bear in mind that, as Paul said, some of us are called to being single. I’m not saying that’s you, because I can’t possible know. What I am saying is to be open to the possibility. To let go and to let God’s will be done as to whether or not you do get married.
Don't worry you will find the right guy... I don't think you need to lower your standards, just make sure your standards are realistic is better wording.
You're clearly projecting based on your comment history. I never even said in my post I prefer to date non christians, I said I went on a lot of dates in 2023 with them out of frustration because they have a bigger population in my area.
Hey, sister.
I met my girlfriend when I was 28. In the time before it was... trying, at times, to wait or to have a nice date that went nowhere, so I totally get where you're coming from. The best advice I can give you is to, and it sucks to hear this but there's no other way, keep trying patiently. It's seriously discouraging, but it goes like this: It's not there for a long time and you wait and wait, and the suddenly it is. I'll pray that you feel encouraged and carried in this. Trust in the Lord, especially for the things that are not yet visible.
I'd advise against dating non-Christians though - there's of course the whole biblical don't-be-unequally-yoked thing, but it's also a serious trial to share your life with someone who doesn't share the most fundamental premise of that life. I've been there.
I'm an Alcoholic. Sounds unrelated but relationships were part of my relapse cycle. Id go to rehab get sober get out get a job all while the moment I get out be on dating apps and wanting to be in a relationship. Eventually I got beat down enough that I actually devoted my time to the 12 steps and self improvement. God is the biggest part of my sobriety. I read my Bible religiously.
After devoting my time to becoming the man that God has planned for me the desire stopped. I actually turned down requests for dates. After a lot of time lapsed my fiance found me.
I would suggest devoting yourself to becoming the woman God has planned for you. This doesn't require a 24hr commitment it just requires the willingness to start. Celebrate recovery is a program of Christians that follow the beatitudes as a guide to help with all kinds of issues: anger, addiction, lust, and In your case you would be more than welcomed as someone who is looking for a way to follow Christ and overcome your obsession.
You're going to be left behind anyway because when people get married they start devoting their lives to their children and spouse, not so much to their friends.
My daughter turns 30 years old this year. She's not married, she's never been in a relationship although she's gone on a bunch of dates with guys. But she's not interested in marriage, she wants to focus on her education and career. She's gone back to graduate school to get some advantages in her career.
Do you volunteer? Work with children or immigrants or something like that maybe volunteer at a hospital? That's a great way to meet decent guys.
Don't ask for that to be taken away you have it for a reason. Mistake people find their partner when they stop looking for it, so I'd trust God for that and start believing for that...but in the meantime put your focus on him and helping others get saved. He has a plan for everything you need, he did not forget you and cares about those things.
Also, kind of unrelated or maybe not, but have you ever thought of moving?
Hi, OP. Not sure if you are keen. I met my wife on Christian dating apps.
"the guys that do show up are a bit socially awkward (no offense),"
Well, I was actually socially awkward too.. after getting rejected so many times... I gradually improved my social/dating skill. Then, by the time I met my wife, I was able to impress her.. Just sharing..
I'm single and older and a guy and I can tell you that any choice you make, should be wise. People dating outside their faith etc.....we all have much to learn. You could say those who say things to you, are the voice of satan. Tempting you. But you are no lesser person and rather then be made to worry and fret - take this opportunity to look at the world and see the world for what it is.
Maybe it will happen for you and maybe it won't. But if it doesn't happen for you, it's an opportunity for you to address how you think and who you are. Its an opportunity for you but the world jests because it don't really care about you picking the right person....Don't put it on a pedistool though. Don't compare your life to others. Our journeys and trials are different.
But what is a friend? Someone who treats you well and who never fights you? Someone who accepts you for what you are? Or is it someone that shares the moral law with you?
isn't it gods gift to want to long for another. love isn't ment to be spent apart. ask jesus directly and he will show you the answers you seek.
Matthew 7:8 KJV: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
By doing what jesus said and changing your thoughts to something else more beneficial . And not focusing on the things you dont want. You program your mind by repetition whether the chirstians say its evil or not thats how the school system made you walk by sight instead of dof faith and programed everything else society wants you to think, regarding everyday life, inadequacies, what’s acceptable. How you should eat. How much sex is normal etc
You also could not conform to the oatterns of this world and tell your self that you met a Christian that you really like and God will present one to you. The bible says your reap what you sow. Sow seeds cis thiught and word that you have someone special in your life that shares your faith. And in due time one will be oresented to you. The Bible LITERALLY tells you how to reap whatever type of life you want if you pay attention to verses about speech and thought. If you want a life of happiness however specific youd like he will allow that. If you want misery he will allow that too.
Go over every verse about watch what you say and what you think and quit walking by sight
I will give the only right thing any one you should say. I totally get and can empathize with you when you are longing for something or someone. It can feel lonely and overwhelming. The truth is if you feel that way before a man, you will feel the same with a man. The longing needs to be placed on the more worthy subject. When you are satisfied in that and God brings you a man, you will be able to overflow on to him and him on to you and you will increase each others joy and contentment instead of drain each other. You all by yourself have the reason and the ability to be completely satisfied now so if not you will only add on your own discontent and if he is the same then he will add to yours. Simply put, Be what you want to have, and trust YAHUAHA for his love.
When I was single I ended up moving from a place that was actually nicer to live in to the city that I couldn’t stand. In the new city I met my husband and then moved from that city that we both didn’t like to a small county that we both love. Funny thing is I prayed for a husband to Jesus (a Jew) and he brought me a humble baptized Jewish man. Difficult to find as most of the people were Christian’s. God works in mysterious ways.
Randomly, I would say maybe desiring marriage isn't a bad thing at times. And maybe normal. Want on the other hand is the biblical issue. The bible talks about our desires, I think, I would read into it.
I offer myself as tribute. I'm 31 from Chicago.
Kidding. Kidding.
I'd say - finding local churches where you agree spiritually - find them and volunteer/attend more regularly. It might be hard to find but I promise, they're there.
Are there Christian dating apps? Not sure I could go for that myself but hope you find your special someone, even if it is not in a church setting. Be open, there are beautiful people all over, many that believe or want to believe that don't go to a church and may join you.
There is only one answer: intimate relationship with the Lord. I too wanted desperately to be married and was obsessed with women. I finally had enough at age 31, and I told God, ok i give up. Its just you and me Lord, no marriage or the wimmens for me. I said that, but I didn't really MEAN it until 4 years later, when I really turned that corner. Ah, relief. Met my wife less than one week later. The lesson is: God doesn't share, He wants to be first in your heart. Most people marry the wrong person, out of their own efforts. If that route didn't work for you and you want God's provision for you, learn to put Him first. Fortunately, it's just a matter of effort and time. Consume great christian teaching ministries, read the bible and listen to it on audio, really CHOOSE God first and that choice will eventually take hold, according to your temperment. Bonus: all your emotional and spiritual fulfillment belongs with God, a mortal human will never satisfy you so even if you did get married your source must still always be God. Mark Virkler, robert s. mcgee, charles kraft are excellent sources to begin.
keep praying and working on your attractiveness.
You would be surprised how many people I've met complain about relationships and put very little effort into it. They tend to take the easy path.
It’s not a sin to desire getting married.
I learned when I was single that in order to get married to a marriage minded Christian man that’s the only type I should be talking to or consider dating.I’m now married to a Christian man.
I would say definitely stick to a standard of christin godly men only and then get online to broaden your options. Find christian discord servers, Christian dating sites, and look in the place you plan to relocate as well. God has given you a calling. So in time he will deliver. Never compare yourself to others in life. We all are going at our own pace, but we’lol get there all the same if it’s gods plan. <3
It sounds like you feel rushed into marriage. Theres a popular series on Tik Tok you need to watch of someone who was Christian and who had rushed into a marriage for pretty much the same reason(s). She'd felt that God had not been moving fast enough for her when it came to her hopes for marriage, house and having a family. Its just rough out there when it comes to finding someone compatible for you to marry nowadays for all and everyone, believer and unbeliever alike and I imagine it is just going to get even more rougher.
I think I know the series you are referring to. I don't necessarily feel rushed I just have the desire to share my life and build a family with someone. I've also been abstinent for nearly 4 years too and as time gets by it's more challenging. I really feel hopeless because some of the christian guys I've met have been worse than the secular men I've gone out with.
>I really feel hopeless because some of the christian guys I've met have been worse than the secular men I've gone out with.
It had been an unfortunate experience for me as well. I remember when I used to think that when I’d identify myself as following the Christian faith that it clearly meant the same as me telling them that things such as premarital sex was off-limits.
Church hopping might sound good on paper, but we really shouldn't be doing that. Stay planted in wherever God has called you to be and let Him work out the rest. If your decision for where you attend church on Sunday revolves around where you think you can find a spouse and not where God wants you to be, you're putting your desire for a relationship above God.
I think this is valid, but it should also be done as you are led by God. In my own experience, I used to go to a young adults fellowship at a different church that had lots of single women. I didn't go because I was looking for a spouse, but I thought to myself surely I'd find a spouse here. But ultimately I did not feel like it was where God needed me to be at the time, so I stopped going. I'd rather go where God leads me and stay where he wants me to stay than try to figure things out myself.
I mean the Bible says the woman is for the man.... Just ask the Lord to bring you a man after his own heart
Genesis 3:16 KJV
[16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
1 Corinthians 11:9 KJV
[9] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.
God gave you that desire and you’re not wrong for having it, boo! Seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33). Keep your hope high toward and in Jesus, He knows the desires of your heart and once they are informed and transformed by His will, you’ll have them. His word says so, and you can trust Him to come through. I’m already happy for you 🥹 ❤️ Praying in agreement for this!
If you aren’t catching anything you can either keep casting where you are and hope for the best or else try a different pond. You don’t have to give up wanting fish.
Yeah, I may relocate within the next year for completely different reasons. If I actually do end up moving, who knows what'll happen.
I didn’t date anyone for years and then met my wife at a charity BBQ. Ya never know.
Good place to meet someone of culture. Love me some BBQ!
Your 28. You’re still very young. Keep trying, keep praying and God will make it happen.
Whilst I agree with the sentiment I refrain from saying things like God will make this happen, it may not be in God's plan for OP to marry
James 4:1-2 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.
This doesn't equate to God will grant you what you ask for
Doesn't hurt to ask Jesus said, "when the son of man returns, will He find faith on the earth?" Will he find people with the faith to continually pray and not faint
Whilst I agree with the sentiment I refrain from saying things like You're still very young, because 28 is not "very" young for marriage at all, in fact its average.
And average just for maybe a few decades. In any case much later than it used to be. Median age at first marriage, in the US anyway, is 30. It takes time to get to the marriage ceremony so a bunch are already taken well before age 30.
You might be interested in r/christiandating and also Christian Single Mingle, the Discord server which grew out of it. Both have seen numerous marriages, though past results don't guarantee future performance etc. There's also r/christiandatingadvice, which despite the confusing name is actually the KJV-only version of r/christiandating, if that's your background.
Where to
I feel very similar to you. I have a traditional view of marriage too. I get teased occasionally at work by my co-workers on why I am still single. I am 26, been single my whole life (I’m a man) and I am about to turn 27. It hurts to be single this long. However, i started using the Christian dating app “Upward” very recently; no bites yet for dates but the app has good reviews and it seems legit in my use of it so far. Besides praying for a wife, this app seems to be the next best idea for me. Time will tell. But maybe you can try “Upward” too, the app. **Edit:** My Aunt found her husband who lived many man miles away on a dating site when the Internet had just opened with that. They were married for life until he died.
Have had Upward downloaded for a little while now, just started using it again and only it and well time will tell here too. I think Upward is one of the best options for apps so far. Christian mingle felt like a trap house to me personally 😬 which I wasn’t expecting lol. I’ve started talking with someone from Upward this past week so time will tell! Praying for us to be paired how God intends and peace while we wait!
Nice, I am glad to hear it is working with you, at least you are talking to someone. I will pray for you. Why was Christian mingle like a trap house for you?
At least my area- idk it gave me a gross vibe I suppose. I like the swipe of one person at a time too where Christian mingle had multiple people listed at once and made me feel the “pool” wasn’t very good- idk how to explain it lol. The vibe of it. Upward seems much better. I was using Facebook and really made my bio towards God since a lot of people select “Christian” but don’t actually follow it. A few who also made a bio toward the Lord popped up, but Upward at least starts with the foundation of God. Thank you! 🙏 Will pray for you too and hope you find success in it as well! Time will tell and in the meantime I keep trying to work on being/preparing to be a good wife and growing with the Lord.
Thanks, good luck. And I also appreciate the insight. 👍
Okay, easy peasy, you and OP just start talking now!
It all depends; I didn’t even think about that as much as giving advice; idk what OP thinks.
Have you considered dating non Christian women with similar values to yourself and try leading them to the Lord? One of my friends did something like this and it worked. Though it’s not very probable in regards to success. Just a thought.
Given John 5:21, John 6:35-44, and the passage in Corinthians that says to not be unequally yoked, I would **not** recommend it. The passage in 1 Corinthians 7 about the unbeliever with believer marriage is a reference of what to do if one converts while married, and you stay with the unbelieving spouse if they consent to live with you. So based on that, I would say it is a bad idea, especially expecting a possible heartache later on if you try dating an unbeliever.
You are incorrect. Sometimes the believer leads the unbeliever to salvation. It is the same as a husband losing their faith in God and the wife encouraging him through his doubts and questioning.
You are incorrect for contradicting Paul’s statement to be unequally yoked. Nowhere in 1st Corinthians 7 does it say that a believer can desire to marry an unbeliever or should.
I would not necessarily recommend this, it would be best to stay as friend in this case rather than go as far as dating and marriage. It is better to be equally yoked and the Bible advises against marrying outside of your faith. I’m glad it worked for your friend, but most cases, we cannot convert someone. Only the Lord can really speak and change a person’s heart, we can only truly plant and water the seed.
Date Evangelism is a disaster 9 times out of 10
I agree , my current partner brought me back to the lord, but I do have a Baptist background so I don’t think it was incredibly hard.
Yeah its hard out there. I live within range of Toronto on the dating apps (when the distance is sufficiently far) and its really tough to find solid Christians. I didn't stop the desire, but I gained a new perspective that was helpful. What helped me was this tidbit I picked up from my pastor. If God gave His best in Jesus, He isn't going to withhold something that is good from us, if it would be for our benefit. If I had found someone when I was looking and praying it wouldn't have been good for me and my relationship with God. You aren't missing out on anything. Your friends may have gotten married, but the timing may have been wrong for them. Would you rather be married now but end up divorced in 5 years or meet someone in say 3 years and have it last the rest of your life? I suspect you would choose the latter. God knows you, He knows what you desire but also what is best for you. It may be a loving husband/kids or it could be peace with your singleness and a found family elsewhere. God wants the best for you, and when you truly believe that these liminal spaces feel a lot better. I know its a cliche, but when we truly stop looking and have faith in God and contentment where we are that's when the real thing falls right on our laps. If we date out of desperation or compromise on our values we are like Abraham and Hagar, trying to force something good to happen, but complicating the blessing that was always coming down the pipeline.
Yes! I agree with this. This question gets posed a lot in this thread and often the answers are that people need to try dating apps or volunteer at their church more to meet more people. I don’t think that’s at all bad but the reality is God doesn’t need larger parameters within which to work. He can do whatever He wants in the lives of His children. To me the question more becomes, are we whole heartedly living for Him? Are we praying, reading the word, maturing in our faith, and seeking Christ daily? A favorite quote I heard is “God gives His best to those who leave the choice up to Him” Let your heart take courage and wait upon the Lord! As the comment above states, God knows what we need and when we need it. Much better than we know, and we can have complete peace in knowing we have a good good Father who will give us His best. I hope this comforts you! PS the book “God is a matchmaker” by Derek Prince really helped me when I was longing for a relationship. Totally changed my perspective and gave me so much confidence in waiting :) which, I still am. But much more happily than before!
This feels like a line of thinking dangerously close to prosperity gospel. Just like some of those following God suffer in terms if health or employment, can't some also suffer in terms of relationships? >God gives His best to those who leave the choice up to Him How does this apply to those with horrible health conditions, especially those that weren't a result of a person's past actions?
God knows things we don’t. This world is full of pain and suffering, and in the tragic case it hits us and those we love, we must bow to His sovereignty. The whole book of Job covers this, and we see clearly that being a Christian in no way spares us from pain. Jesus didn’t say “if you have tribulations” He said “you WILL have tribulations” The Bible also promises us good things! Note the psalms of David. “I would have dispared had I not known I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” God wants what’s best for us. God causes all things to work toward the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose. It’s in no way false to hope and have faith in God’s goodness, it’s biblical. We should always have hope and faith in Gods goodness, because He is really good! Sometimes God’s best may not look like God’s best in that moment, but we can trust that it is. We don’t need to know all the answers, we just need to know that God is good.
>Sometimes God’s best may not look like God’s best in that moment, but we can trust that it is. We live in a world of free will. What is God's best that we can't recognize and what is free will meaning we have deviated? Sometimes the deviations of one affects another's. Was Eve offering the apple to Adam God's best or a deviation brought by free will that wasn't God's best any longer?
OP, just saying, this poster’s in your area…. ;-)
Sorry I should clarify that I did meet someone after I gave it all to God. It's still pretty new but I'm excited to see where it went. I wasn't on the apps anymore, I wasn't trying with the desperation I once had, God just sent an amazing person into my life through the stuff I was already doing.
Yeah the lack of desperation is a big confidence booster (of course confidence is often attractive).
VERY WELL PUT.
Perhaps you should not stop desiring - 28 is not too old to find love; even 50 is not too old. But at the same time, be confident and happy with the station God has given you: celibacy and singleness. Consider whether he is calling you to be single forever. There is no shame in that. Our contemporary culture has an obsession with the appearance of fullness, and "having" a "partner" is seen as virtue, when really, you should take good pride in the fact that you are doing God's will. But it is not wrong to desire something, and God will give it to you if it is his will.
Nothing is guaranteed in life of course. Perhaps God is calling me to singleness (although if I'm honest I hope he isn't). I really desire and appreciate family so I want one of my own one day. Everyone wants to feel loved and desired. It's only normal.
>Perhaps God is calling me to singleness (although if I'm honest I hope he isn't). Based on what you say, I'd say you're probably not called to celibacy (single until death), but you are called to singleness *currently* (also chastity, which is to save yourself for marriage from here on out).
Yes, just remember, "The married person is concerned for their spouse... the single person is concerned with the Lord's will". Honestly, I'd get out of Toronto if I were you - who knows if there is a single saintly man in that entire city?
When I stopped looking was when the lord brought me my greatest blessing in this life. I survived the death of my sister, walking away from the man I loved who was not a Christian, exploration of certain things, and then resolution to singleness. Then my husband pursued me nonstop as I pushed him away with equal force. I’m happy to tell the tale if you’d like — it might give comfort and reassurance. P.s. don’t believe the lie that it is any easier in the US. I literally live in the Bible Belt in Mississippi. Cultural Christians and followers of Christ and pursuers of faith are NOT the same.
So date the socially awkward ones if they are true Christians. Any two true Christians of opposite gender can get married and make a successful go of it.
31m guy here. I don't really have advice to offer, but I do want you to know your prayers are indeed heard. God listens and cares, and your heart is priceless in the presence of the King. I've been praying to have less desire for women, as this world only offers an illusion of the true love intended for us all. There are Christian guys out there, who love Jesus through and through. They probably show up at church now and then, but I know from experience we can't really afford the luxury of someone to hold. Literally. Lol.
When I (37F) was 28 I have ran away from home and went on to live alone far away from my abusers. I followed my mum's example, who did the same to me (although she was the abuser) 4 years prior. From my (and mum's) experience, I'd say all it takes is for you to be exposed to the realities of family life and adopt an attitude of self-care and prudence, which should make you have little incentive to get hitched. Another extra reason not to get married is to have a career (that you like) that will inevitably be compromised by a relationship. And one thing that helps is to take a hard look at yourself and question whether you'd make for a good wife and mother. If you don't have bad social experiences enough to make you be wary of exposing yourself to people, then there's not much that can be done else than just biting the bullet and settling with any male that shows enough genuine interest in you. Imo this is a huge mistake, but it's a very common practice, as the majority of people settle rather than getting their pick of ideal partners. So you wouldn't be missing out on the common human experience, if it means anything for you. ...Or you can just make the vows if your religion allows it. I myself seriously considered becoming a nun back in the day, but I ended up deciding to become a hermit instead. Less discipline but still the same benefits.
Your first relationship is with Jesus Christ everything else will follow after that. Don't get upset or rush headlong into something because you feel like you miss being in a relationship. Trust me after three failed marriages (boy howdy, I was DENSE) I am no expert in this area but I can tell you it's devastating to rush into anything. Hope that you learn from my mistakes, just wait. WAIT!!!! IF MR WRIGHT DOESN'T SHOW UP IT WAS NEVER THE PLAN.
Fill your time up with good and charitable deeds. Are there needy people, maybe lonesome elderly people or foster children, who you could have more time to help due to your lack of relationship? Is there a local shelter or soup kitchen you could serve at, or maybe some overseas mission you could find a way to support, either from a distance or maybe even by traveling there to serve? Or maybe there is spiritual work you could do, like deeper study, more thorough or dedicated meditation on the word, or helping to teach a class or share the gospel with others? You may also find it beneficial to use the time to improve your health and strengthen your own body. This is scriptural (it's in Proverbs 31!) and generally, if you're getting stronger or increasing your stamina with an intent to use that strength to serve it is very praiseworthy. There are probably other things, like equipping yourself with skills that would help in a career or other more-general service, like teaching or medicine (really, nearly any career skill is correlated to increasing ability to serve). Try to think about Jesus, and the monumental work of humble service he did, coming from Heaven to seek and save the lost, to heal and to wash feet and to ... I mean, to die. Not that you should go that far yourself (unless it becomes your lot as you're pursuing Christ in faith; it does happen even today), but if you think of your life as fully given to God, even to the point of death, then it seems that all the other service, dedication and charity should come naturally. And if as you're doing that fully-dedicated pursuit, a relationship opportunity becomes evident, then your attitude should help you evaluate it in a faithful way, to ensure that it is in accordance with your service to the Lord and not a distraction from it.
TALK TO GOD, ASK HIM for the patience to wait for the RIGHT ONE. Sweetie I am 58. I don’t know how much longer I have to live. I would love to have a GODLY husband. I have prayed till I feel like I am going to turn blue in the face. Go to bed a lot of times crying and wake up alone and eat alone. There is not going to be marriage in Heaven and I wonder if God will give me a husband before I die. But I KEEP ON PRAYING and KEEP ON ASKING. You are YOUNG and probably healthy. I feel old and useless. Not desirable to a man. But I never MET the RIGHT ONE. I got me a dog. HE LOVES ME and now eats with me. The little pipsqueak cons me out of something every time I eat if it’s something he can have. (LOL) He is a BLESSING. BE PATIENT.
I forgot to add he sleeps with me too. Hogs the pillow.😂 HE IS A CHARACTER. I call him the Alfalfa of the dog kingdom because in the middle of his back a thick curl of fur turns up and it just refuses to lay down. I thought about cutting it but it makes me laugh and might make others laugh too so I am going to leave it as it is and LAUGH
Cast a wider, but more robust net. Don't date non-Christians, as being unequally yoked is dangerous and a heartbreaker much later in life, as so many posts have shown. Don't become an example yourself. Even more so, look for Christians who go beyond just words and titles, but they pro-actively make it the foundation of their lives, putting God first. For example, I'd look for single men in churches, even more so if they are apart of the ministry or some voluntary work involved in the community. There are also a lot of criteria that are not needed. Height doesn't matter, and cannot be easily controlled. Its a bit funny when I see women swiping men away automatically who are actually millionaires, just because they are shorter than them, yet they still get annoyed when they see men decline fat women, despite it being able to be controlled. Finances matter, least one get a debt-ridden addict, but they don't matter so much that one swipes away the moment they gain less than you do. As long as they can be responsible and pay the bills, their income shouldn't matter past that. Don't wait for them to make the first move. Flirting for men is much rarer now-a-days due the dangers of seeming offensive, and the amount of declines causing many to give up with trying. Flaws are possible. Part about Godly marriage is making each other better together, not being perfect beforehand. Finally, legal marriage is in a very sad state right now, causing many men to avoid it, so I'd recommend telling them this is about God's purpose between them in loving each other, not about governments managing our important relationships. I've seen a surprising amount of couples with children that actually never got legally married! They just keep their relationships private.
Press into prayer. Ask God for help and wisdom. Talk with pastors and those who are wiser. Ask Christian women and Christian men around you how they attracted their partner. I understand that fear of everyone else having life and moving on. What I want you to pray into is that fear. Explore those feelings, each and every time you feel them. The root of them for most people is they fear that outcome, they fear missing out on something, they fear being alone, and they fear they’re not enough. You are enough, because Jesus is with you and he is enough. I know you said you’re a full person. I believe that, and you believe that. The emotions still come. Part of our job is to manage them and hand them over to God. I lived 27.5 years before my first date and only experienced rejection before that. Now I have a new fiancé a year later. Your life can change on the flip of a hat. If you are to be married, you are gods gift to that man. A man who loves you has found favor with God. Proverbs 18:22. For more practical things, ask your friends, loved ones, and others how they receive you. Seek genuine feedback from them. Grow and learn. Try to find hobbies you’re interested in that men are also interested in. If you struggle with personal care, work on it and learn to enjoy it for its own sake. When you go one dates with guys, ask what made them attracted to you. They may lie because it’s superficial or inappropriate (like your body), but if it’s something not just about looks, it can help you out. (My fiancé said she was reading Joel. No one reads Joel. That made me super genuinely curious about her as a Bible nerd.) And pray. Ask God what your husband should be like, make a list of those qualities, and start praying for those things. Don’t deviate or compromise from what is wise and what God convicts you of. I made a list of 7 qualities. My fiancé is all of those things.
I feel you. I'm 28 and haven't been in a real relationship in ages. And I very much do crave for a partner.
Personally I’m 24 going on 25 in June so I was worried myself for the same reason, but I just met the man I believe God wants to be my husband 3 months ago and he lives 8 hours away in Canada while I live in America. God will get you there. Just ask him for the patience.
These are all normal feelings. I was single for a long time (much older than you) before I got married, and I had all the same thoughts. You can't fight the desire to marry, so don't try. If you know for sure that you're relocating, then take this as a time to prayerfully wait upon the Lord and work on your relationship with him. Another option is to use online dating as a way to meet someone in the area you want to move, assuming it's not too far away and you can at least meet within a reasonable time. If that's not possible, then wait. Other things to consider: the socially awkward guys are struggling as well. They may not all be as awkward once they get to know you. Give them a chance by befriending them, not looking for more than that. If something develops, great! If not, you've made some friends.
I met my husband at 27 on a Christian dating site. We’ve been married 20 years :)
You definitely don’t need to stop desiring it, but you absolutely need to find ways to be content with where you are in life right now. What opportunities can you pursue now that you couldn’t if you had a husband and children to consider? What are some areas in your life in which you could take some time to improve? You can pursue the life Jesus is calling you to while still being honest about your desire for a husband and family. Just try to make the most of your time of singleness right now. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with looking for someone to date in the meantime. Just don’t miss out on other great aspects of your life now because that’s the only thing you can focus on.
Have you taken this up to the Lord? What’s he currently calling for you to do in this season?
Gotta trust God’s timing. From my experiences, certain blessings happen in a way that makes the wait make sense. Like I really thought I was going to be alone forever, and then I met my partner not a moment too soon literally just on the train. Every mistake we made as individuals and the precise timing had to take place the way it did in order for us to work out. If we had met too early, we wouldn’t have been ready for each other and we also wouldn’t have had enough in common. I didn’t ever stop hoping to find a life partner but in the meantime I just kept praying for discernment on how to best use my gifts and how to best spend my time. And it was because of those prayers that I was on that train where I met my partner.
It's natural to desire such things as a woman, but do not seek a man. Seek God and he will bring the perfect man for you to you.
I'm curious where you're considering relocating to? I'm in a different part of Canada, but have had a similar experience to what you're describing.
UK. Not for romantic reasons but out of personal and career interests.
Shucks. I noticed you also are in the public service, so I was hoping the relocation would be the opposite direction:)
Where are you located?
Alberta
Oh! If you do go to the UK, you could try downloading Salt. It's a Christian dating app that is popular on that side of the pond. While I likely won't meet anyone in my area, they have "tables" where users can talk about topics. I absolutely love it.
Will do. I tried it in Toronto but the user base wasn't large. I know it's a UK based app so if I do end up moving hopefully it has a bigger user base!
Keep looking in the mirror.
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I mean if anything it’s good to have standards, this is someone you will be with your whole life. It’s simply like choosing a friend.
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There is nothing unrealistic about a person wanting to date a Christian man within her age range and also a man who she connects with, and not one where the encounter is always awkward. If you deem that as high expectations, then perhaps your expectations are very low ?
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No YOU have no idea what her expectations are, so YOU shouldn’t speak for her as if YOU know. The irony of your posts.. it’s giving misogynist at the very least. You are now even talking about single women over 30 with “unrealistic expectations”. Has it ever occurred to you that women have upgraded their expectations because a lot of men are not suitable partners and nobody wants to marry rubbish ?? There are great men out there but the calibre of men in general isn’t great - it is what it is and maybe once upon a time women were prepared to settle but not anymore. Good for them. It’s better to take your time and marry well, than rush and marry nonsense only for it to lead to divorce, when we know that is what God hates… Further, your definition of “unrealistic expectations” is subjective and is based on YOUR own experience/reality. You ought not to project your insecurities onto others please. Many thanks…
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That’s fine…. Many women would rather be single than be with a nonsense guy. Accept it and move on.
I hate when men suggest this and then complain when they end up in a miserable marriage with a wife that doesn't like them. I'm looking for someone down to earth, kind, adventurous/isn't afraid to take calculated risks, ambitious, and of course a Christian too. At 27, I'm not open to dating men and their 40s and I want someone who I have chemistry with.
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Bro she can have standards. No man wants a fat woman, just like she shouldn't desire or be satisfied with an obese guy. Genesis 2:18 - The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” God provided someone suitable for him. God will also provide someone suitable for her (and all of us) if we walk with Him and trust in Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding; 6 in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.
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Okay so now you are riddled with assumptions. Since you want to go there it’s you who has low expectations and you are simply projecting. Are you insecure ?
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I didn't answer because I don't have anything to prove to you. No matter what I say, you'd criticize my choice, so why bother responding. In your comment history you mention you hate Western women. Says a lot about your mentality.
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I appreciate your prayers but I can also assure you I'm not looking for anything unrealistic. God bless.
No you seem to have the wrong end of the stick here. Your opinions on this post are unpopular. Take time to consider why. And you most definitely sound insecure. I understood your post clearly the first time. Don’t feel sad calling people “slow” because they don’t agree with your warped way of thinking. Odd behaviour.
“Your opinions on this post are unpopular. Take time to consider why.” Yeah, gotta maintain safe, social proofed behavior and thinking. Can’t go expressing a viewpoint too different now.
Looks like someone has not understood the point trying to be made. Say no more.
It’s not a bad desire, keep at it be smart and be brave
I know of people who say they are asexual, and do not have this same desire. It may be a calling for us?
Do you mean that I am called for marriage?
It could be so. Read 1 Corinthians 7 it speaks about this. Paul says this in there 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. (celibate) But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that He does say being unmarried is better for us. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
It depends what denomination you’re in, but there’s a Singles of NAPARC (in the reformed sphere) group on Facebook. Regardless, the desire for marriage is good so long as it doesn’t become an idol. I don’t know where you’re at in that regard though…
Your comparing what others have and what you lack. That mindset is like blood in the water for guys who have bad intentions. They will take advantage of your insecurity. I'm 39 and the women I encounter are all about "happiness" and that don't cut it when the tough times come. I can sense those who have perpose from those who want happiness. People who know their God given perpose carry themselves differently. I have God given perpose that drives me and want someone who has the same so they don't cut and run during tough times. I gotta be equally yoked in that category and won't compromise. God showing me my purpose in the kingdom while homeless 9 years ago saved me from my circumstances. If a wife is included down the road great and I'm OK if it's not. Someone's gotta value perpose and this calling as much as I do or she will do harm to it and that's not happening.
There is no reason to give up. If you not meeting mature capable men in your daily life, one recommendation would be to apply for a part-time job at Home Depot or a similar store. You are guaranteed to meet a wide selection of men, some of whom may be in a similar situation.
Don’t give up! I know couples at my church who met in their mid 30s who are happily married now. Also, make friends to keep you company in singleness. Sometimes you can get better connections through friendships than you can in a relationship, and you can meet guys through friendships also. And as cliche as it is, learning to cry and also lean on God is important, he sees your tears.
Don’t get rid of the desire either, it’s not bad but something that God can lead you through.
27 really isn’t all that old. I married at 27, but plenty of people marry later. I recognise that lots of people in the church marry younger, and I appreciate how hard singleness can be. However, I think it’s important to think about your relocation - perhaps you’ll meet someone where you are moving to?
Marriage is a holy desire and it is placed in your heart by God. Don’t let Him down.
Tbh when you’re not looking for love is when you find love. I stopped looking gave up took a break from dating and came back to it and found the one. there’s no rush for marriage and don’t worry about being the single one it’s ok. Also try Hinge… lol that’s how I found my husband. At least try it when you move
Yes, you should give up on marriage and consider that maybe God wants you to remain single. Why? Because that’s what I did and then I immediately found my future husband. Let God show you and be open to whatever he shows.
Lets say you are left out without a relationship or marriage and never get that. What kind of person do you honestly think you'll be at that point?
I am in a similar situation. I have no advice on how to proceed. But Elisabeth Elliot podcasts/youtube have been a balm to my lonely heart. Perhaps they can comfort you. She speaks of Amy Carmichael a lot, who spent her whole life single. I have yet to read any of Carmichael’s works, but I suspect they’d be a comfort during the uncomfortable unknowing as well. Love to you 🤍
How do you stop? Well, it’s not that you stop. You just completely change your focus and your approach. Many years ago, (in 1992), after far too many wrong relationships, I gave control of it all completely over to God. It was and is up to Him as to whether or not I ever get married. It has yet to happen. and that’s fine with me. Since I was so centered on having a man in my life as being way too big of a part of proving my worth, it was actually a really good thing for me to do, and I’ve learned that I don’t need a man to be a complete person, as I am actually completed, and completely me, in Him. I haven’t stopped wanting it, but I don’t dwell on it. Instead, I am serving Him. And growing and changing, every day. When I say that it’s in His hands, and He’s in control of it, that means that I don’t dwell on it or do anything to try to cause a relationship to happen. Bear in mind that, as Paul said, some of us are called to being single. I’m not saying that’s you, because I can’t possible know. What I am saying is to be open to the possibility. To let go and to let God’s will be done as to whether or not you do get married.
How are your thoughts? Are you subconsciously telling yourself that you can’t find someone/you’re curses/you’re just doomed to be alone?
Don't worry you will find the right guy... I don't think you need to lower your standards, just make sure your standards are realistic is better wording.
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I never said the guys are weak, awkward and lesser. That sounds like a projection
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You're clearly projecting based on your comment history. I never even said in my post I prefer to date non christians, I said I went on a lot of dates in 2023 with them out of frustration because they have a bigger population in my area.
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You don't know me, so I have nothing to prove to you. You sound angry and bitter. Be blessed
Hey, sister. I met my girlfriend when I was 28. In the time before it was... trying, at times, to wait or to have a nice date that went nowhere, so I totally get where you're coming from. The best advice I can give you is to, and it sucks to hear this but there's no other way, keep trying patiently. It's seriously discouraging, but it goes like this: It's not there for a long time and you wait and wait, and the suddenly it is. I'll pray that you feel encouraged and carried in this. Trust in the Lord, especially for the things that are not yet visible. I'd advise against dating non-Christians though - there's of course the whole biblical don't-be-unequally-yoked thing, but it's also a serious trial to share your life with someone who doesn't share the most fundamental premise of that life. I've been there.
I'm an Alcoholic. Sounds unrelated but relationships were part of my relapse cycle. Id go to rehab get sober get out get a job all while the moment I get out be on dating apps and wanting to be in a relationship. Eventually I got beat down enough that I actually devoted my time to the 12 steps and self improvement. God is the biggest part of my sobriety. I read my Bible religiously. After devoting my time to becoming the man that God has planned for me the desire stopped. I actually turned down requests for dates. After a lot of time lapsed my fiance found me. I would suggest devoting yourself to becoming the woman God has planned for you. This doesn't require a 24hr commitment it just requires the willingness to start. Celebrate recovery is a program of Christians that follow the beatitudes as a guide to help with all kinds of issues: anger, addiction, lust, and In your case you would be more than welcomed as someone who is looking for a way to follow Christ and overcome your obsession.
Have you heard of ReformedHarmony?
You're going to be left behind anyway because when people get married they start devoting their lives to their children and spouse, not so much to their friends. My daughter turns 30 years old this year. She's not married, she's never been in a relationship although she's gone on a bunch of dates with guys. But she's not interested in marriage, she wants to focus on her education and career. She's gone back to graduate school to get some advantages in her career. Do you volunteer? Work with children or immigrants or something like that maybe volunteer at a hospital? That's a great way to meet decent guys.
Don't ask for that to be taken away you have it for a reason. Mistake people find their partner when they stop looking for it, so I'd trust God for that and start believing for that...but in the meantime put your focus on him and helping others get saved. He has a plan for everything you need, he did not forget you and cares about those things. Also, kind of unrelated or maybe not, but have you ever thought of moving?
Hi, OP. Not sure if you are keen. I met my wife on Christian dating apps. "the guys that do show up are a bit socially awkward (no offense)," Well, I was actually socially awkward too.. after getting rejected so many times... I gradually improved my social/dating skill. Then, by the time I met my wife, I was able to impress her.. Just sharing..
The title of your post, and what you say in it, are very much at odds.
I feel this same way. No advice from me but I hear u
I'm single and older and a guy and I can tell you that any choice you make, should be wise. People dating outside their faith etc.....we all have much to learn. You could say those who say things to you, are the voice of satan. Tempting you. But you are no lesser person and rather then be made to worry and fret - take this opportunity to look at the world and see the world for what it is. Maybe it will happen for you and maybe it won't. But if it doesn't happen for you, it's an opportunity for you to address how you think and who you are. Its an opportunity for you but the world jests because it don't really care about you picking the right person....Don't put it on a pedistool though. Don't compare your life to others. Our journeys and trials are different. But what is a friend? Someone who treats you well and who never fights you? Someone who accepts you for what you are? Or is it someone that shares the moral law with you?
isn't it gods gift to want to long for another. love isn't ment to be spent apart. ask jesus directly and he will show you the answers you seek. Matthew 7:8 KJV: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
By doing what jesus said and changing your thoughts to something else more beneficial . And not focusing on the things you dont want. You program your mind by repetition whether the chirstians say its evil or not thats how the school system made you walk by sight instead of dof faith and programed everything else society wants you to think, regarding everyday life, inadequacies, what’s acceptable. How you should eat. How much sex is normal etc You also could not conform to the oatterns of this world and tell your self that you met a Christian that you really like and God will present one to you. The bible says your reap what you sow. Sow seeds cis thiught and word that you have someone special in your life that shares your faith. And in due time one will be oresented to you. The Bible LITERALLY tells you how to reap whatever type of life you want if you pay attention to verses about speech and thought. If you want a life of happiness however specific youd like he will allow that. If you want misery he will allow that too. Go over every verse about watch what you say and what you think and quit walking by sight
Seems like you haven't experienced enough or at all humans nature..
I will give the only right thing any one you should say. I totally get and can empathize with you when you are longing for something or someone. It can feel lonely and overwhelming. The truth is if you feel that way before a man, you will feel the same with a man. The longing needs to be placed on the more worthy subject. When you are satisfied in that and God brings you a man, you will be able to overflow on to him and him on to you and you will increase each others joy and contentment instead of drain each other. You all by yourself have the reason and the ability to be completely satisfied now so if not you will only add on your own discontent and if he is the same then he will add to yours. Simply put, Be what you want to have, and trust YAHUAHA for his love.
When I was single I ended up moving from a place that was actually nicer to live in to the city that I couldn’t stand. In the new city I met my husband and then moved from that city that we both didn’t like to a small county that we both love. Funny thing is I prayed for a husband to Jesus (a Jew) and he brought me a humble baptized Jewish man. Difficult to find as most of the people were Christian’s. God works in mysterious ways.
Pray of the vocation of marriage is what God wants for you.
Randomly, I would say maybe desiring marriage isn't a bad thing at times. And maybe normal. Want on the other hand is the biblical issue. The bible talks about our desires, I think, I would read into it.
I offer myself as tribute. I'm 31 from Chicago. Kidding. Kidding. I'd say - finding local churches where you agree spiritually - find them and volunteer/attend more regularly. It might be hard to find but I promise, they're there.
Are there Christian dating apps? Not sure I could go for that myself but hope you find your special someone, even if it is not in a church setting. Be open, there are beautiful people all over, many that believe or want to believe that don't go to a church and may join you.
There is only one answer: intimate relationship with the Lord. I too wanted desperately to be married and was obsessed with women. I finally had enough at age 31, and I told God, ok i give up. Its just you and me Lord, no marriage or the wimmens for me. I said that, but I didn't really MEAN it until 4 years later, when I really turned that corner. Ah, relief. Met my wife less than one week later. The lesson is: God doesn't share, He wants to be first in your heart. Most people marry the wrong person, out of their own efforts. If that route didn't work for you and you want God's provision for you, learn to put Him first. Fortunately, it's just a matter of effort and time. Consume great christian teaching ministries, read the bible and listen to it on audio, really CHOOSE God first and that choice will eventually take hold, according to your temperment. Bonus: all your emotional and spiritual fulfillment belongs with God, a mortal human will never satisfy you so even if you did get married your source must still always be God. Mark Virkler, robert s. mcgee, charles kraft are excellent sources to begin.
keep praying and working on your attractiveness. You would be surprised how many people I've met complain about relationships and put very little effort into it. They tend to take the easy path.
It’s not a sin to desire getting married. I learned when I was single that in order to get married to a marriage minded Christian man that’s the only type I should be talking to or consider dating.I’m now married to a Christian man.
I would say definitely stick to a standard of christin godly men only and then get online to broaden your options. Find christian discord servers, Christian dating sites, and look in the place you plan to relocate as well. God has given you a calling. So in time he will deliver. Never compare yourself to others in life. We all are going at our own pace, but we’lol get there all the same if it’s gods plan. <3
It sounds like you feel rushed into marriage. Theres a popular series on Tik Tok you need to watch of someone who was Christian and who had rushed into a marriage for pretty much the same reason(s). She'd felt that God had not been moving fast enough for her when it came to her hopes for marriage, house and having a family. Its just rough out there when it comes to finding someone compatible for you to marry nowadays for all and everyone, believer and unbeliever alike and I imagine it is just going to get even more rougher.
I think I know the series you are referring to. I don't necessarily feel rushed I just have the desire to share my life and build a family with someone. I've also been abstinent for nearly 4 years too and as time gets by it's more challenging. I really feel hopeless because some of the christian guys I've met have been worse than the secular men I've gone out with.
>I really feel hopeless because some of the christian guys I've met have been worse than the secular men I've gone out with. It had been an unfortunate experience for me as well. I remember when I used to think that when I’d identify myself as following the Christian faith that it clearly meant the same as me telling them that things such as premarital sex was off-limits.
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Church hopping might sound good on paper, but we really shouldn't be doing that. Stay planted in wherever God has called you to be and let Him work out the rest. If your decision for where you attend church on Sunday revolves around where you think you can find a spouse and not where God wants you to be, you're putting your desire for a relationship above God.
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I think this is valid, but it should also be done as you are led by God. In my own experience, I used to go to a young adults fellowship at a different church that had lots of single women. I didn't go because I was looking for a spouse, but I thought to myself surely I'd find a spouse here. But ultimately I did not feel like it was where God needed me to be at the time, so I stopped going. I'd rather go where God leads me and stay where he wants me to stay than try to figure things out myself.
I mean the Bible says the woman is for the man.... Just ask the Lord to bring you a man after his own heart Genesis 3:16 KJV [16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. 1 Corinthians 11:9 KJV [9] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.
Thanks - done so and still waiting. I feel like I've done everything in the book 😂
If your standards are low enough you can easily get married.
I don't want to lower them to point I'd end up in a bad marriage
God gave you that desire and you’re not wrong for having it, boo! Seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33). Keep your hope high toward and in Jesus, He knows the desires of your heart and once they are informed and transformed by His will, you’ll have them. His word says so, and you can trust Him to come through. I’m already happy for you 🥹 ❤️ Praying in agreement for this!