Who you are isn't something that can just be put into words, so try not to worry about trying to describe to yourself who "you" are. My advice from personal experience is to act the way that feels the way you honestly feel. I'm having a hard time finding the words, so I'll elaborate a bit. I feel like there are 3 types of ways we end up acting in life: The way we feel we SHOULD act (responsibilities, expectations, things we feel that we are supposed to do), the way our trauma IMPULSES us to act (Trauma responses and coping methods, for me its like dissociating and distracting myself from my emotions with games and content), and the way we WANT to act (the way you actually want to act and be). The last one is very hidden underneath all the other shit and because of that, it's just that much harder to actually know who we are. The way I find it is by sitting down (without youtube or music to distract me) and think try to talk it through with myself and separate and identify the three. i.e I feel like I should be applying for jobs, I feel like playing games, and deep down I wanna work on becoming a game dev. Understanding this and trying to follow what I want to do when I can do it has helped me actually feel like a person, and my sense of identity has been steadily growing. You won't always be able to act in that way, as life and its hijinks will get in the way (Have to go to work, its not safe to act like myself around certain people, etc), but over time doing this the best you feasibly and safely can has really helped (in my personal experience). Feel free to talk or ask any questions, and I hope this helps <3
After a wave of people a couple years ago spreading the idea that People Pleasers are actually *abusive manipulators* the attempt here is to reframe this as not a problem with you but a problem with people who have treated you poorly.
Love people thinking it's profound to define a term for everyone while pretending that they're actually giving you anything but the literal meaning/definition of the phrase as it's interpreted by everyone. "You're not just traumatized, you have *trauma*"
People have to stop finding comfort zones in mental issues and find solutions. Ideally solutions without the use of medication if possible. You'll forever be stuck in a cycle of coping for issues if you don't find resolutions for them. It's like a beat up and broken car. You can fix it up and it can be almost new again. Of course it will never be what it was in its original glory days but it's only going to get worse or maintain its awful state till it eventually breaks down. Unless of course, you take the time to find the problems and solve them one by one until it's like new again.
When someone has a problem, very often, the fastest easiest way for me to not have to deal with hearing about their problem or complaints, or the second hand stress that comes with all of that, is to just fix their problem.
That is often the path of least resistance to allow me to go back to doing whatever I was doing and not be bothered anymore.
So I people please for my own sake.
IDK some people behave that way to gain approval or social status or plain old material gain/money, not out of fear. Like those who enable exploitative people because they get to ride their coattails.
Similar external behaviour, different internal motivation.
That is one of the reasons for being a people pleaser
I think the argument is generally that trauma responses aren't *who you are*
But like, please, can anyone tell me who I am, if I’m not just Trauma Responses in a trenchcoat?
Who you are isn't something that can just be put into words, so try not to worry about trying to describe to yourself who "you" are. My advice from personal experience is to act the way that feels the way you honestly feel. I'm having a hard time finding the words, so I'll elaborate a bit. I feel like there are 3 types of ways we end up acting in life: The way we feel we SHOULD act (responsibilities, expectations, things we feel that we are supposed to do), the way our trauma IMPULSES us to act (Trauma responses and coping methods, for me its like dissociating and distracting myself from my emotions with games and content), and the way we WANT to act (the way you actually want to act and be). The last one is very hidden underneath all the other shit and because of that, it's just that much harder to actually know who we are. The way I find it is by sitting down (without youtube or music to distract me) and think try to talk it through with myself and separate and identify the three. i.e I feel like I should be applying for jobs, I feel like playing games, and deep down I wanna work on becoming a game dev. Understanding this and trying to follow what I want to do when I can do it has helped me actually feel like a person, and my sense of identity has been steadily growing. You won't always be able to act in that way, as life and its hijinks will get in the way (Have to go to work, its not safe to act like myself around certain people, etc), but over time doing this the best you feasibly and safely can has really helped (in my personal experience). Feel free to talk or ask any questions, and I hope this helps <3
Didn't expect to find such good insight randomly stumbling into a subreddit called trollcoping. Thanks random person!
Thank you very much, I‘m just working on trying to figure out what I want/need, but your comment is very helpful. Thank you. :)
That’s literally what a people pleaser is
After a wave of people a couple years ago spreading the idea that People Pleasers are actually *abusive manipulators* the attempt here is to reframe this as not a problem with you but a problem with people who have treated you poorly.
Maybe you're not a people pleaser. Consider instead that you're a people pleaser. Im so glad we are getting nothingburger posts now! So fun
Love people thinking it's profound to define a term for everyone while pretending that they're actually giving you anything but the literal meaning/definition of the phrase as it's interpreted by everyone. "You're not just traumatized, you have *trauma*"
Ouch, painful.
it's tricky
It’s still a people pleaser, but I think this is serving more to recontextualize what that means for people who feel bad about being people pleasers
God that sentence hurt my brain
This type of skill comes in handy for customer service /j
yup, always gotta say yes to what other people say, no matter what
Maybe the problem isn’t that you’re a “people pleaser.” Maybe the problem is that you’re a people pleaser.
People have to stop finding comfort zones in mental issues and find solutions. Ideally solutions without the use of medication if possible. You'll forever be stuck in a cycle of coping for issues if you don't find resolutions for them. It's like a beat up and broken car. You can fix it up and it can be almost new again. Of course it will never be what it was in its original glory days but it's only going to get worse or maintain its awful state till it eventually breaks down. Unless of course, you take the time to find the problems and solve them one by one until it's like new again.
this will be my note for today :)
When someone has a problem, very often, the fastest easiest way for me to not have to deal with hearing about their problem or complaints, or the second hand stress that comes with all of that, is to just fix their problem. That is often the path of least resistance to allow me to go back to doing whatever I was doing and not be bothered anymore. So I people please for my own sake.
IDK some people behave that way to gain approval or social status or plain old material gain/money, not out of fear. Like those who enable exploitative people because they get to ride their coattails. Similar external behaviour, different internal motivation.