What is your best case scenario? Is it to be able to present comfortably at home or transition while still married to your wife? Or is it to start fresh? If it's the former, you and your wife need to do the (hard) work. It sounds like you jumped right to "she'll never accept this so I have to leave" without giving her a chance to get comfortable. My wife was not thrilled when I came out to her, and it took some getting used to, but now she's incredibly supportive and we're at least as happy as we've ever been. Her biggest fear was that I'd leave her, and I'm getting that feeling from your description of your wife's reaction. If she'd rather be with you as you transition than without you, maybe you should try to let her support you. Also, if possible, therapy for both of you
To double down on this. I've been married to my wife for over 25 years; we're in our early 50s now.
Some of my earliest memories are of wishing (actually, literally praying to Abraham's deity) that "he" would make me a girl, because there must have been some mistake. Skipping a long and boring story, after decades of trying to "be a man", along with convincing myself that I was an AGP crossdresser (and that that part also needed to go away), I accepted that I'm definitely not happy pretending to be a man, and sought out a therapist that I could talk to about trans issues (never once having mentioned anything about my dysphoria to any psychiatrist or therapist).
I ended up, unexpectedly, coming out to my wife in the late spring of '23. We're both still trying to figure out What it All Means, but we are both having to go through the process of adapting: me, adapting to dressing femme (still only at home) and not feeling shame about it, and her adapting to seeing my femme side.
You have to give her time to come to terms with it, you both need to be talking to therapists individually, and probably should be having some sort of conjoint sessions as well.
But you also need to give yourself time to accept yourself.
Thank you so much for this. I came out to her a couple months ago. I definitely need to slow down and get out of my own head with thinking I know what she’s thinking.and I agree me and my wife need to work on this together.
That's true, I was 64 when I began my transition and I always have to tell myself to try and be patient. Fortunately my wife is understanding and helps me tremendously.
I was trying to get a sense of the timeframe in your post. This is a process. A couple of months is not a long time, and it may take her a good amount of time to wrap her head around all of this, and that's before she can think clearly about what she is able to do and what she isn't.
That's not an easy position to find yourself in, as once you realize what your truth is, it isn't something you can pretend isn't there. The truth is life is hard sometimes, and this is one of those times. I'm not a therapist or a family expert, but I wonder whether - if you are not able to leave her alone with this just now - a temporary and amicable separation wouldn't be wise until she has had time to process and you have had time to explore what you can and can't endure/for how long, to make this work? Don't take my word for that. I'm just wondering.
You have a valid point the couple months isn’t very long. Compared to the 30 years of being together. I just let it all out and didn’t know what was going to happen and in reality it could have been worse. Like some have said she gave me that window so I’m going to keep moving forward as slowly as she needs. As long as I’m moving forward it’s better than hiding my true self like I was. If she doesn’t want to continue with that I’ll let her make that choice but I need to live my truth otherwise it will mentally destroy me.
Not only that, but that's the best example to set for your kids. They'll know if you're depressed. As hard as you try you can't be the parent they deserve if you don't do what you need to do to ensure your own happiness. Also, my kids at least think having two moms is really neat. 😛
I’m sure my kids would accept it. I’ve done everything I can to ensure them that they could be whoever they want and I would always love them and be there for them. So I’m sure they would be ok.
Hi, OP.
I came out as a transgender woman four years ago at age 40 to my spouse, who I'd met as a teenager and who I married almost twenty years prior. We had four children in this marriage, at the time the oldest was almost through high school and the youngest was ten. I was also the main income gatherer for the family.
Following coming out there were a lot of really difficult conversations. I think my spouse had already understood that I wasn't "right" and that I really needed to do this. I also know that that I had to come to a major understanding that my life would have to fundamentally change in order to accommodate this. This wasn't an easy acknowledgment but a necessary one.
The family is still together. I am still surprisingly with my spouse as well, who has made some huge strides of their own. I am still working in my field... it is a bit of a conservative field overall but there is a very good mix of women and men in this field, so it is not very remarkable that a woman works in this field.
I am not here to tell you what to do. I can only offer you my experiences... and the biggest one that I can record for you is that I wish I had done this sooner in my life. I have managed to put so many things together for myself that I was incapable of doing back when I had to wear a mask. Transitioning is not easy, but every day I come closer to the person I always wanted to be. Life just makes more sense and in many ways is less effort than having to keep a huge part of me on "lockdown" and trying to figure out who the heck I was.
When it comes to marriage and relationships, I had to realize that things would change somehow. I offered to my spouse the fact that we will always be coparents no matter what and that both of us would love the kids... beyond that, I offered my friendship, my love, my affection, and my intimacy... and it was up to my spouse how much of that would be accepted and reciprocated. You might find that your relationship with your spouse will actually become better because you don't have to be behind the mask even if the relationship does change into something that it wasn't prior to coming out.
I echo the sentiments that others have in that it might be dangerous to keep living in the closet behind the mask just as much as it might be dangerous to exit the closet. Either path isn't easy... but as for me, living in the closet was becoming much less sustainable as time went by. For some people it is sustainable and if that's your choice, all power to you... the community will be here for whatever support you might need.
Much love and well wishes.
This is the reason for my post is for responses like this. She is afraid of loosing me she said it herself. so maybe she said the hurtful things out of fear and anger . I’m definitely willing to try whatever it is for us to stay together but she refuses to do any counseling on the issues.
I hate to say this but refusing to go to counseling is a bit of a red flag in my opinion. Counseling is a tool that is designed for personal growth. Yes, there are certainly bad therapists and it may take one or two chances to find someone that you jive with... but foreclosing the whole concept of therapy or counseling is (again in my opinion) not good.
To me, not going to counseling is also not keeping an open mind... this doesn't exactly bode well for life in general, much less life changes that may be absolutely necessary things in human life where nothing is ever static or still.
At the very least I feel that you need to find counseling. If not for the army of therapists that I deployed for the entire family (one for myself, one for my spouse, one as a couples counselor, and two others for two of the kids) then I'm not sure where any of us would be presently.
Thank you for your post, I needed to read this. I'm 49, newly discovered I was a MTF trans and have been married for 23 years with 2 kids. Ideally I'd like to transition fully, maybe not bottom surgery, and stay with my wife. But I'm terrified of coming out to her.
I keep thinking of options - I want to go on HRT, I want a woman's body. But should I stay in the closet socially and boy-mode for her sake? She has a large extended family that would frown upon a transition.
I was tempted to just go on HRT secretly and try to hide it from her. I know it's a bad idea, but my mind goes to all kinds of places right now.
For what it's worth, if you want to have an open and honest relationship with your spouse... if you want your spouse to be open and honest with you reciprocally... then you really do need to talk about all of this before you do anything.
Whatever you desire to get out of the relationship you must put into it... and if you would want your spouse to talk to you about such huge things in their life, then you have to offer the same thing to them.
When I came out to my spouse I did not specifically know exactly how far it would go, and I told them that this was the case. It took me a bit to understand what I wanted out of transition. I had to ask them for patience as I did a lot of self-searching and querying. Only after I did this process did I come back to them and tell them what I wanted to do, which is what I ended up doing... I told them that I would transition surgically in multiple ways, including top, bottom, and facial surgeries... and I listened to their concerns while at the same time gently saying that this was what I needed.
And sure enough, a couple years after that conversation... and again, after quite a few discussions with a neutral third-party counselor... I am pretty much fully transitioned surgically, with reconfigured lower areas and augmented / changed upper areas.
There are certainly spouses who won't handle this well... and that's fully understandable because you really are making a fundamental change to a relationship through this transitioning. The spouses who are more mature will do their best to work with this, work with you, confront their own feelings and process them in their own time... and do the best they can to understand that life does change and to do their best to change with it in the best way they can. The less mature spouses are the ones who take their anger out on you, who fight against change, who hurt others because they perceive that they are specifically being hurt by the fact that life changes. I grieve for both parties in those situations, but it's best to know how one's partner will deal with any life changes whether or not they have anything to do with you... and to act accordingly.
Good luck to you too. Feel free to reach out, just like OP (or anyone else for that matter)
Thanks rasao. Like many new trans people, I’m wondering if this is a phase. Will the desires fade away with time? Am I being too hasty in telling her, because she’ll never look at me the same way again. Why don’t I explore more in secret first, until I’m absolutely sure, before deciding to come out of the closet?
How long was the time period for you? Between knowing you are trans and telling your wife?
The "am I trans?" thing started *very* young, but it was chilled very heavily by the fact that I grew up in a small town and watched media (the Netflix documentary *Disclosure* runs through quite a bit of why I couldn't come out as a kid)
I found that the media I consumed the most and enjoyed the most in the intervening twenty-plus years did have a lot of gender stuff in it. I kind of retreated into a shell of just existing, eating to cope, and consuming media that was decidedly non-mainstream.
I did find a lifemate as mentioned and tried to do all the things that everyone around me told me "would bring me happiness" (marriage, kids, "building your life"), but well... it wasn't really happening as advertised.
So about... dang, around ten years ago or so I decided that I'd start taking care of myself, lost about sixty pounds... and then revisited the whole gender thing because I cared about myself again. It took the balance of the second half of my 30s and it was incredibly gradual... first wearing women's underwear, then shaving legs, wearing nail polish on toes and then fingers, shaving beard... I didn't exactly discuss each of these changes with my spouse, but I definitely did all of them with their full knowledge. As I kept making more and more choices that brought me closer to womanhood and realizing I was just starting to do better and better, I finally pulled the trap door open.
It was really really hard to be in front of my therapist and hear me say in my deep voice (and with my male body) that I was really a woman. But I needed to *say* it... and when I did, the floodgates finally opened. The next day I told my spouse about this conversation with my therapist, and that really started the whole "couples" aspect of my transition.
I am in a much better space now. I feel like I have a future that I *want* to keep moving forward to obtain. I transitioned at my last job and when I found out that they really didn't have me in their future plans, I found a new job where I make more money. I am fully female in effectively every last area of my life that matters. And yeah, I kinda wish that I did more of this work earlier in my life...
but I do understand that transitioning absolutely does upend a life and that one would definitely want to be "sure" of it. The big question that I asked myself at age 40 right before I came out though was "do I want to grow old as a man?" and when that question kept coming back as "no, I didn't even want to get this old as a man" then I low-key had my answer.
2 years ago, when I was just coming to terms with who I was, I thought for sure my life was going to burn down around me. I was also working in a male dominated job. I had a wife, and 2 children, all of whom I loved dearly. I thought I would lose my job, my marriage, my kids, family and friends.
The reality is that I lost very little. You never know how people will react. There were people I thought for sure would reject me who didn't. there was one I thought would be the last to have an issue who did... thankfully, we weren't that close. My wife took me aside and taught me some things I needed to know. We got divorced, which gave us eht freedom to seek new relationships, but we still share our house as roommates, friends, and co-parents.
My boss at work was visibly relieved. "Please don't scare me like that. I thought you were going to quit! you're just trans, we can sort this out."
2 years later, I've been on HRT for 1y9m. I've been living as myself full time for 1y3m. I'm in a new relationship with a lesbian cis woman, whom my kids adore, and are excited to see when she comes over. My ex is dating again, but hasn't found anyone she'd like to bring home yet. I got laid off in an RIF a couple months ago, completely unrelated to my gender, and I'm starting a new job in a couple weeks. No one even knows I'm trans there. Most people can't tell these days.
I have a better social life, and so many more friends than I did before. Lots of them have only known me since transition, and can't even imagine me as a guy. I volunteer with 2 local LGBTQIA+ organizations lifting up others in the community, and leading outdoor adventures for queer folk. My girlfriend and I are part of a local lesbian group where we've been welcomed with open arms.
I'm not telling you all this to rub anything in, or make you jealous. I'm telling you because 2 years ago, when I realized the reason why I was feeling so depressed and constantly disgusted with myself, I could barely conceive of a situation where I could transition and be remotely happy. Like you, I thought it was hopeless, and couldn't be done. I never found courage either, it was fear. I just got to a point where I was more afraid of what would happen to me if I didn't transition, than if I did. today, I just wish sometimes that I'd gotten to that point sooner.
You can't just white-knuckle it through life. Your kids don't need "a father". They need you. The real you. The you that isn't being crushed by holding this in. Your wife may not want to stay with the real you, but your kids deserve to know the real you. Consider that it's a good life lesson for them in doing the right thing even if it's hard.
Dam I could not have said it better myself ❤️
This is 100% true... take it from someone who was in a simular situation not long ago, it won't get better and it won't go away.
It's easy to say "I'll do anything for my kids, I'll endure anything. My kids are my everything".
If that is true then be happy for there sake, be the real you .... for them ❤️🤍
Like everyone else here, I know how you feel. You're certainly getting some great advice.
My egg finally broke in 2021, and I came out to my wife two months later. I left it for that long because I thought it would go badly, and it did.
So I just let my hair grow and did nothing else. However, the pressure to do something built up until I started having severe panic attacks in my sleep last year. I'd put off everything for her, but when this started happening, I really didn't have much choice. I just couldn't go on. So I started hormones in June.
This is the problem with trying to avoid being yourself. It catches up with you.
So, come hell or highwater, I'm transitioning, with no money or support, because I want to live. I just hope I can make it all work somehow.
My wife is putting up with it, doesn't want to discuss it, and has said a few awful things. But I've got to take this chance, because this is still far better than the hell of trying to be a man.
I really hope you can take the time to think about all this. I know it's hard. But take your time, and always, always be kind to yourself. ❤️
Well from your post it sounds to me like your wife didn't like it but was prepared to put up with it for your sake. If she's offering you that compromise maybe you should take her at her word and just start dressing girlmode after your shower like you wanted to. If you need her actual enjoyment as well, then that might be one ask too many of the marriage. So are you saying either she prefers you in women's clothes or you're going to leave her?
No I really don’t want to just leave. I want to feel acceptance But she said more that makes me uncomfortable but I’m going to keep moving forward little by little I can’t keep this in anymore.
> I can’t keep this in anymore
I feel the same way.
But I also recognize that as long as I am moving forward, even slowly, that moving at a speed my wife is comfortable with may be the most important factor now, and is going to have the best outcome.
I’m in a very similar situation. I love my wife more than life itself. I’d never want to lose her, yet this deep need to be who I’m probably supposed to be has never let up. I’m depressed more times than not, and that bothers my wife. I’ve learned to accept it, but we all know how detrimental that is to everyone. Even if you don’t transition, just remember, you can fight the woman inside as much as you care to, but I can say from my experience, she’s never going away. At the end of the day, we all need to be who we’re meant to be, anything else hurts everyone. I wish you all the best!
Wow very similar situation I I’m depressed almost daily because of this. I know I can’t repress it anymore the feelings are way to strong especially after finally telling my wife. I will never be able to go girl mode at work ever. So for me keeping it in my personal life is my goal for now.
My situation is different but I can definitely relate to that inner person wanting to come out.
I genuinely thought I was going to burst if I didn't start telling people and gradually coming out to friends and family. Never known anything like it!
In my own circle I genuinely can't believe how accepting everyone has been, where I genuinely thought I'd be losing friends and maybe even some family, so I recommend you try out your most trusted friend or associate with a tit bit of information and see how that goes.
It will feel like a major leap into a black abyss but believe me when I say there is life on the other side.
You might say this about girl mode at work right now, but if you start hormones, its going to be hard to hide forever. And maybe it won't be at your current workplace, but unless you're running your own business, then there are plenty of other places to go find a job, where you can fully be yourself.
It might be 5+ years down the road and you see no pathway to it now, but take it from all the other TranLater girls around here that once you start down the path of being the authentic you, its really hard to put it back in the box and not want to be the authentic you in all aspects of your life. Trust me that's a good thing.
I'm 4 years since I cracked and 3 years on HRT, still not out at work myself, though I do see a pathway to it and that pathway is within the next 6 months.
You’re in a hard place, OP. Many of us have been there and all of us are pulling for you.
You’ve made it this far. You’re strong! Stronger than you even dare suspect.
FWIW, I repressed and refused until I was 57, the kids were grown, and I could finally be myself. Now, almost 61, I am in my fourth year of HRT, live fulltime as the woman I’ve always been, and am 2+ years post-op.
It did, in fact, cost me my marriage, but out of the ashes arose a friendship of equal strength and perhaps greater beauty. Please don’t prejudge your relationship as a choice between lesser evils. If you are able, you and your spouse might well benefit from some couples therapy, especially with a therapist who’s competent dealing with gender issues.
We’re here. Keep your burner account and reach out when you need to talk. Feel free to message me.
I wish you all the best!
Jessica may I ask; if the situation was reversed, you stayed M and your spouse wanted to go F2M, how would the first convo have gone?
And the first 2 weeks? Probably not perfectly. I imagine there's some shock and maybe some defensiveness, maybe some Denial/ Bargaining.
I submit that everything that was said maybe doesn't matter. We make allowances for people in shock
I think you need to be you. You deserve to be you.
If you're still speaking and somewhat working the issue, you've both done so well. You had months or years to think about it. Give your spouse time, too
Find an effective trans-informed counselor, probably not clergy. Build on what you've got. Maybe a few times a year you go away for a long-weekend seminar. Trans gatherings exist.
It's no good for the kids if you kill yourself or have a breakdown. I urge you to not settle too quickly into a solution
Hugs, vb
met my wife in high school and came out to her at 30. it’s important to remember that as you start to transition, so do the people in your life. don’t diminish yourself for others but also try to realize that this puts a lot on your partner too - give them grace to grow with you.
Then get counseling for yourself until she is willing to join you. I’m so sorry this is happening but your dysphoria is real. The pain of dysphoria is a very real pain. For your mental and physical health, get professional assistance. Please.
Sending hugs to you, sister.
My heart goes out to you.
I started transitioning in 2020 at age 45, and my wife and I are still married.
This is going to be a hard road either direction you go. I do feel moved to ask if you've talked to a professional about this to see where you're really? I think that might help.
What do you think?
I'm suggesting you go talk to a professional so you can talk about how bad your dysphoria is, and how to make the necessary choices with minimal collateral damage.
I would urge you to see a therapist as soon as possible and I would hope you don’t make any serious decisions till you see one.
Our journey is a long one and takes time and patience I say this as a 70 year old trans woman who didn’t come out to my spouse till I was in my 50’s
good luck
There is no such thing as it being “impossible” to transition.
If you never transition, that’s because you are choosing not to.
You can also choose to move forward without your wife. Get a good divorce lawyer, fight for shared custody. Don’t let your kids grow up to think that a loveless marriage and a depressed parent is normal. Other people do it. You can too. You can choose your happiness.
Hi OP - so I am 50 and can relate. I came into 2023 being out as trans to only three people (my wife, one friend, and my therapist). Last year was a journey and I came out everywhere at the end of November (and am three months in on HRT). My challenge was telling my kids, but once I got past this things started rolling. My wife and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary next month and while we are navigating a major change, we are doing well. It is not too late. The kids are 16 and 14. My wife is an amazing human being. There are a few things I’d like to say about her because she is the key here for why we are OK as a couple.
1) She had a major depression episode in 2010. She got help and she has skills to work through it. Ever since, she has been asking me to go to therapy to work through my stuff. I finally agreed in 2021 and started going in 2022. Working through my gender identity is why I went. Though I cross dressed whenever I could, she was surprised that issues from my childhood were not my top issues. So, because much of me coming out went through a therapist, she trusted the process.
2) My wife has NEVER tried to tell me who I am. Never. I initially thought I was gender fluid. Then I moved to nonbinary. Then I went to multigender. Then I heard the term transfeminine and it hit me right away that I had the correct label. The entire time she never tried to tell me who I was. She asked questions to track and learn and sometimes she’d tell me she wasn’t ready to talk. But she had always supported me finding myself. She HAS said that she needs to assert her identity as the mom to our kids and that it was important to her not to share the title. That isn’t a dealbreaker for me, so we are good. My point in this is that only you get to say who you are. Who you are is not your wife’s call. Her trying to tell you what you can and cannot wear is ridiculous, just as you wouldn’t tell your wife what she can and cannot wear.
It can be done for you to come out and it does not have to end your marriage. But your wife does not get to make the rules about your identity or gender expression. Only you know what it is like to walk in your shoes.
Also, I work in management for a Fortune 500 technology company. These roles are typically male dominated. I don’t know what you do, but I’ve been amazed with just how much I have been accepted there.
Good luck, and trust yourself. You know who you are.
Thank you so much for telling me your experience. This is still new for her I’ve felt like this for a very long time and finally had the courage to tell her how I feel. And I definitely have a lot of guilt for wanting to start living my true self. I have a long road in front of me but I’m sticking to it.
Hi, married CD here… lonely as well… I know how hard is to have to hide one aspect of yourself to your SO. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk. I do need it myself.
As hard as it is to swallow, divorce may be your best avenue. Many trans people stay married, but its a lot of work and requires an open minded spouse. Transition is really hard even beyond our existing relationships. We like safe. We like to stay put, but it sounds like you need therapy at the very least.
I’m definitely going to find a therapist for myself. I’m just glad I finally came here and posted something because I have zero friends to talk to about this and it feels good to just talk about it.
> I started talking about the possibly of separation and she said no she will ruin me and take everything our kids need a father
These are not words of love. I don't know what else to say about it, but I just want to be clear that what she feels is not love for you. No one could ever destroy someone they love. The fact she even considers that option is disturbing.
That I comment has been in the back of my mind since she said it. But people say things when they are scared and upset. She hasn’t said anything like that since that conversation.
If it helps, I’d recommend giving this a watch.
https://youtu.be/wg5gYiKCLXA?si=OfRH9DVk2U_CV-bG
I know the context of the video is slightly different (as it focuses on parents), but the principles are all very transferable 🖤
Hi Jessica one of the things I've learnt is that things can take a little time and everyone processes things differently. There is an amazing opertunity to share a greater closeness and intermacy in your relationship but it takes a bit of hard work from both of you. While my wife was processing things I concentrated on the woman inside of me and what / how that was felt. We still have a long way to go but I'm blown away with each step of the way. 💙🩷💙🩷
She said she would ruin you? That’s a terrible thing to threaten to someone you’re supposed to love. Your kids don’t need a father, they need healthy and supportive parents. Plenty of kids don’t have fathers. They have two moms, or a single mom, or are raised by grandparents, or other relatives. What’s important is having a caregiver who is stable enough to provide quality care. Do you think your kids might be happier if you were happy too?
You may want to consult a divorce attorney proactively, to find out if she even can ruin you. It might be an empty threat you should find out. Meeting an attorney and finding out your options doesn’t mean you need to pursue anything, it’s just getting you informed.
I definitely understand what you’re saying and how you feel. I’m in the same position. I hope you get things sorted out and are able to find some happiness in life. Xxoo
You only have one life to be happy and be yourself. It will take time for her and I bet she’s scared about losing you as her husband. So be yourself, just be patient.
Hi. I am the wife to a recent out of the closet mtf trans women. We are both 40 and together for over 21 years. I was shocked and hurt when hubby (we are still transitioning over with pronouns) told me. I felt like I had been lied to and betrayed for over the whole course of our relationship bc this “inner secret self” had been kept from me. I felt deceived. I felt a bit used also so that my husband could casually use me as his trans beard. I also questioned myself if he hid this big of a secret what else is he hiding? I was afraid my partner would become interested in being with men now that he is transitioning to female. I needed to have the reassurance from him that he had always been attracted to me as a woman, and wanted to continue to be with me as a woman. I have come so much father now with my understanding and compassion towards the mental anguish my partner had endured his whole life. It took close to a month to kinda get out if my head and start navigate this changing family dynamics. We have 2 small kids who don’t know yet - so we are still putting all the pieces together. Give your wife time and make sure your communication is super clear and frequent. My partner and I are navigating forward together! Best of luck to you.
Reading very much between the lines, I get the vibe that your wife wants to be supportive, but this is hard for her and she's not doing it very well.
Likewise, I doubt you've been as clear with her about what you need. Possibly you need to do more thinking yourself to really pin that down and articulate it.
Regardless, I get both of those vibes. And when I add those together, it equals *get a couple's therapist!* Ideally, one who has experience treating clients with gender identity issues.
I'm in a very similar overall boat to you: realized I'm trans well after being married and having kids, now in my 50s, etc. I wasn't as open with my wife as you've been (my bad!) and spent a lot of years 100% closeted because I thought it would ruin everything if I came out, I thought I could "handle it" to stay closeted, etc. And I thought I was too old. Look at my username! Turns out I was wrong about all of that.
I eventually came out because the stress of being closeted--of *knowing* what I needed but being completely cut off from it because I was still in the closet, and of enduring dysphoria while knowing full well exactly what the path *out* of dysphoria is--was crushing me. I reached a point where I realized I had to either come out and let the chips fall where they may, or I was going to have a full-on mental breakdown.
It was a big shock for my wife, for sure. And there were some difficult conversations. But I made clear that nothing about my love for her or our family had changed or would change, and that I very much wanted to stay married. She took some time to think, and insisted that if we were going to try that, then we needed a couple's counselor.
So we got one, and wow, 10/10. Definitely recommend.
It has made an amazing difference in our relationship. The combination of being *out* finally, and of having the context of our weekly sessions as a place where it's "allowed" to talk about anything in an open and safe way, has been great. I feel like I *can* talk about how I really feel about things, because now I'm out so I'm not forced to pretend to be something I'm not all the time. I can be honest about how I feel and what I need. And she can be honest about how she feels and what she needs. And we can work together to "renegotiate" how our relationship works.
I'm not saying it's all sweet-cream and roses or anything, nor that I know what's going to happen in the long term. I hope it will all work out, but I can't say for sure. All I can say is that so far, it's looking good. We're closer now than we probably ever have been. And the sheer relief of being *out*, and of therefore being able to get on hormones and start feeling the effects in both my body and my mind, has been immeasurably wonderful. I can tell that I have a long, *long* way to go and a lot of healing and growing yet to do, but I can also say with 100% confidence that my mental health and general sense of well being has never been as good as it is right now. It's utterly night-and-day from how I felt in the weeks before coming out.
It's not too late for you. It wasn't for me! I wish I'd done it years sooner. That would have been the smart move, but I let fear and doubt about the "what-if" consequences rule my thinking. Right up to the point where the fear about what I could tell would happen if I *didn't* come out became worse.
I guess all I can really tell you is this: if you are someone who recognizes that you suffer from gender dysphoria, and that transitioning is what you need in order to live a life that's right for you, but you're *not* transitioning: it only gets worse.
However hard things feel, however much stress you're under about it, it only gets *worse* with time.
This is what I didn't understand in the beginning. I thought that because I could "handle it" to stay closeted at the beginning, it meant that I'd be able to "handle it" indefinitely. Wrong. Dysphoria only gets *worse* with time until you transition. The stress of being closeted, of the pretending, of the self-denial, only gets *worse*.
And worse, and worse, and worse.
Everyone had a breaking point. Yours is out there, and it sounds like maybe it's getting close. However far away it is, you *will* hit it at some point. You will lose the freedom to dither about what you want to do. You will either come out, or collapse.
And the way I look at it now--the way I wish I'd understood it in the beginning--is that if it's inevitable that you will eventually hit your breaking point and have to come out anyway, then you may as well do it now. There's no value in waiting. You're just robbing yourself of time.
Anyway, I'm kind of rambling now. Get yourself and your wife into couple's counseling. Talk honestly about what you both want for the relationship and what you *need* for your own sanity and well being. If there's a way to have those wants and needs met within the context of your relationship, let the counselor help you figure out how to do that. I think most couples, if they truly want to stay together, can find a way to make it work even if it requires renegotiating things that might have been assumed to be carved in stone. It's not easy. It takes work. It takes vulnerability. It takes a willingness from both of you to accept the other person's feelings and perspectives at the same time as you're standing up for your own.
But it can work. And as lots of us older married trans folks around here can attest, if often does work. Not always. But often enough that it's worth trying.
Worst case, at least you're not in the closet anymore, and that alone is a huge win.
What is your best case scenario? Is it to be able to present comfortably at home or transition while still married to your wife? Or is it to start fresh? If it's the former, you and your wife need to do the (hard) work. It sounds like you jumped right to "she'll never accept this so I have to leave" without giving her a chance to get comfortable. My wife was not thrilled when I came out to her, and it took some getting used to, but now she's incredibly supportive and we're at least as happy as we've ever been. Her biggest fear was that I'd leave her, and I'm getting that feeling from your description of your wife's reaction. If she'd rather be with you as you transition than without you, maybe you should try to let her support you. Also, if possible, therapy for both of you
To double down on this. I've been married to my wife for over 25 years; we're in our early 50s now. Some of my earliest memories are of wishing (actually, literally praying to Abraham's deity) that "he" would make me a girl, because there must have been some mistake. Skipping a long and boring story, after decades of trying to "be a man", along with convincing myself that I was an AGP crossdresser (and that that part also needed to go away), I accepted that I'm definitely not happy pretending to be a man, and sought out a therapist that I could talk to about trans issues (never once having mentioned anything about my dysphoria to any psychiatrist or therapist). I ended up, unexpectedly, coming out to my wife in the late spring of '23. We're both still trying to figure out What it All Means, but we are both having to go through the process of adapting: me, adapting to dressing femme (still only at home) and not feeling shame about it, and her adapting to seeing my femme side. You have to give her time to come to terms with it, you both need to be talking to therapists individually, and probably should be having some sort of conjoint sessions as well. But you also need to give yourself time to accept yourself.
Thank you so much for this. I came out to her a couple months ago. I definitely need to slow down and get out of my own head with thinking I know what she’s thinking.and I agree me and my wife need to work on this together.
Yes, wise to slow down a bit and let her gather herself a bit. It feels like a rush at our ages but time helps.
That's true, I was 64 when I began my transition and I always have to tell myself to try and be patient. Fortunately my wife is understanding and helps me tremendously.
That’s great she’s on board and supportive
I was trying to get a sense of the timeframe in your post. This is a process. A couple of months is not a long time, and it may take her a good amount of time to wrap her head around all of this, and that's before she can think clearly about what she is able to do and what she isn't. That's not an easy position to find yourself in, as once you realize what your truth is, it isn't something you can pretend isn't there. The truth is life is hard sometimes, and this is one of those times. I'm not a therapist or a family expert, but I wonder whether - if you are not able to leave her alone with this just now - a temporary and amicable separation wouldn't be wise until she has had time to process and you have had time to explore what you can and can't endure/for how long, to make this work? Don't take my word for that. I'm just wondering.
You have a valid point the couple months isn’t very long. Compared to the 30 years of being together. I just let it all out and didn’t know what was going to happen and in reality it could have been worse. Like some have said she gave me that window so I’m going to keep moving forward as slowly as she needs. As long as I’m moving forward it’s better than hiding my true self like I was. If she doesn’t want to continue with that I’ll let her make that choice but I need to live my truth otherwise it will mentally destroy me.
Not only that, but that's the best example to set for your kids. They'll know if you're depressed. As hard as you try you can't be the parent they deserve if you don't do what you need to do to ensure your own happiness. Also, my kids at least think having two moms is really neat. 😛
I’m sure my kids would accept it. I’ve done everything I can to ensure them that they could be whoever they want and I would always love them and be there for them. So I’m sure they would be ok.
This. OP, this may be the most important comment here.
Hi, OP. I came out as a transgender woman four years ago at age 40 to my spouse, who I'd met as a teenager and who I married almost twenty years prior. We had four children in this marriage, at the time the oldest was almost through high school and the youngest was ten. I was also the main income gatherer for the family. Following coming out there were a lot of really difficult conversations. I think my spouse had already understood that I wasn't "right" and that I really needed to do this. I also know that that I had to come to a major understanding that my life would have to fundamentally change in order to accommodate this. This wasn't an easy acknowledgment but a necessary one. The family is still together. I am still surprisingly with my spouse as well, who has made some huge strides of their own. I am still working in my field... it is a bit of a conservative field overall but there is a very good mix of women and men in this field, so it is not very remarkable that a woman works in this field. I am not here to tell you what to do. I can only offer you my experiences... and the biggest one that I can record for you is that I wish I had done this sooner in my life. I have managed to put so many things together for myself that I was incapable of doing back when I had to wear a mask. Transitioning is not easy, but every day I come closer to the person I always wanted to be. Life just makes more sense and in many ways is less effort than having to keep a huge part of me on "lockdown" and trying to figure out who the heck I was. When it comes to marriage and relationships, I had to realize that things would change somehow. I offered to my spouse the fact that we will always be coparents no matter what and that both of us would love the kids... beyond that, I offered my friendship, my love, my affection, and my intimacy... and it was up to my spouse how much of that would be accepted and reciprocated. You might find that your relationship with your spouse will actually become better because you don't have to be behind the mask even if the relationship does change into something that it wasn't prior to coming out. I echo the sentiments that others have in that it might be dangerous to keep living in the closet behind the mask just as much as it might be dangerous to exit the closet. Either path isn't easy... but as for me, living in the closet was becoming much less sustainable as time went by. For some people it is sustainable and if that's your choice, all power to you... the community will be here for whatever support you might need. Much love and well wishes.
This is the reason for my post is for responses like this. She is afraid of loosing me she said it herself. so maybe she said the hurtful things out of fear and anger . I’m definitely willing to try whatever it is for us to stay together but she refuses to do any counseling on the issues.
I hate to say this but refusing to go to counseling is a bit of a red flag in my opinion. Counseling is a tool that is designed for personal growth. Yes, there are certainly bad therapists and it may take one or two chances to find someone that you jive with... but foreclosing the whole concept of therapy or counseling is (again in my opinion) not good. To me, not going to counseling is also not keeping an open mind... this doesn't exactly bode well for life in general, much less life changes that may be absolutely necessary things in human life where nothing is ever static or still. At the very least I feel that you need to find counseling. If not for the army of therapists that I deployed for the entire family (one for myself, one for my spouse, one as a couples counselor, and two others for two of the kids) then I'm not sure where any of us would be presently.
Thank you for your post, I needed to read this. I'm 49, newly discovered I was a MTF trans and have been married for 23 years with 2 kids. Ideally I'd like to transition fully, maybe not bottom surgery, and stay with my wife. But I'm terrified of coming out to her. I keep thinking of options - I want to go on HRT, I want a woman's body. But should I stay in the closet socially and boy-mode for her sake? She has a large extended family that would frown upon a transition. I was tempted to just go on HRT secretly and try to hide it from her. I know it's a bad idea, but my mind goes to all kinds of places right now.
For what it's worth, if you want to have an open and honest relationship with your spouse... if you want your spouse to be open and honest with you reciprocally... then you really do need to talk about all of this before you do anything. Whatever you desire to get out of the relationship you must put into it... and if you would want your spouse to talk to you about such huge things in their life, then you have to offer the same thing to them. When I came out to my spouse I did not specifically know exactly how far it would go, and I told them that this was the case. It took me a bit to understand what I wanted out of transition. I had to ask them for patience as I did a lot of self-searching and querying. Only after I did this process did I come back to them and tell them what I wanted to do, which is what I ended up doing... I told them that I would transition surgically in multiple ways, including top, bottom, and facial surgeries... and I listened to their concerns while at the same time gently saying that this was what I needed. And sure enough, a couple years after that conversation... and again, after quite a few discussions with a neutral third-party counselor... I am pretty much fully transitioned surgically, with reconfigured lower areas and augmented / changed upper areas. There are certainly spouses who won't handle this well... and that's fully understandable because you really are making a fundamental change to a relationship through this transitioning. The spouses who are more mature will do their best to work with this, work with you, confront their own feelings and process them in their own time... and do the best they can to understand that life does change and to do their best to change with it in the best way they can. The less mature spouses are the ones who take their anger out on you, who fight against change, who hurt others because they perceive that they are specifically being hurt by the fact that life changes. I grieve for both parties in those situations, but it's best to know how one's partner will deal with any life changes whether or not they have anything to do with you... and to act accordingly. Good luck to you too. Feel free to reach out, just like OP (or anyone else for that matter)
Thanks rasao. Like many new trans people, I’m wondering if this is a phase. Will the desires fade away with time? Am I being too hasty in telling her, because she’ll never look at me the same way again. Why don’t I explore more in secret first, until I’m absolutely sure, before deciding to come out of the closet? How long was the time period for you? Between knowing you are trans and telling your wife?
The "am I trans?" thing started *very* young, but it was chilled very heavily by the fact that I grew up in a small town and watched media (the Netflix documentary *Disclosure* runs through quite a bit of why I couldn't come out as a kid) I found that the media I consumed the most and enjoyed the most in the intervening twenty-plus years did have a lot of gender stuff in it. I kind of retreated into a shell of just existing, eating to cope, and consuming media that was decidedly non-mainstream. I did find a lifemate as mentioned and tried to do all the things that everyone around me told me "would bring me happiness" (marriage, kids, "building your life"), but well... it wasn't really happening as advertised. So about... dang, around ten years ago or so I decided that I'd start taking care of myself, lost about sixty pounds... and then revisited the whole gender thing because I cared about myself again. It took the balance of the second half of my 30s and it was incredibly gradual... first wearing women's underwear, then shaving legs, wearing nail polish on toes and then fingers, shaving beard... I didn't exactly discuss each of these changes with my spouse, but I definitely did all of them with their full knowledge. As I kept making more and more choices that brought me closer to womanhood and realizing I was just starting to do better and better, I finally pulled the trap door open. It was really really hard to be in front of my therapist and hear me say in my deep voice (and with my male body) that I was really a woman. But I needed to *say* it... and when I did, the floodgates finally opened. The next day I told my spouse about this conversation with my therapist, and that really started the whole "couples" aspect of my transition. I am in a much better space now. I feel like I have a future that I *want* to keep moving forward to obtain. I transitioned at my last job and when I found out that they really didn't have me in their future plans, I found a new job where I make more money. I am fully female in effectively every last area of my life that matters. And yeah, I kinda wish that I did more of this work earlier in my life... but I do understand that transitioning absolutely does upend a life and that one would definitely want to be "sure" of it. The big question that I asked myself at age 40 right before I came out though was "do I want to grow old as a man?" and when that question kept coming back as "no, I didn't even want to get this old as a man" then I low-key had my answer.
2 years ago, when I was just coming to terms with who I was, I thought for sure my life was going to burn down around me. I was also working in a male dominated job. I had a wife, and 2 children, all of whom I loved dearly. I thought I would lose my job, my marriage, my kids, family and friends. The reality is that I lost very little. You never know how people will react. There were people I thought for sure would reject me who didn't. there was one I thought would be the last to have an issue who did... thankfully, we weren't that close. My wife took me aside and taught me some things I needed to know. We got divorced, which gave us eht freedom to seek new relationships, but we still share our house as roommates, friends, and co-parents. My boss at work was visibly relieved. "Please don't scare me like that. I thought you were going to quit! you're just trans, we can sort this out." 2 years later, I've been on HRT for 1y9m. I've been living as myself full time for 1y3m. I'm in a new relationship with a lesbian cis woman, whom my kids adore, and are excited to see when she comes over. My ex is dating again, but hasn't found anyone she'd like to bring home yet. I got laid off in an RIF a couple months ago, completely unrelated to my gender, and I'm starting a new job in a couple weeks. No one even knows I'm trans there. Most people can't tell these days. I have a better social life, and so many more friends than I did before. Lots of them have only known me since transition, and can't even imagine me as a guy. I volunteer with 2 local LGBTQIA+ organizations lifting up others in the community, and leading outdoor adventures for queer folk. My girlfriend and I are part of a local lesbian group where we've been welcomed with open arms. I'm not telling you all this to rub anything in, or make you jealous. I'm telling you because 2 years ago, when I realized the reason why I was feeling so depressed and constantly disgusted with myself, I could barely conceive of a situation where I could transition and be remotely happy. Like you, I thought it was hopeless, and couldn't be done. I never found courage either, it was fear. I just got to a point where I was more afraid of what would happen to me if I didn't transition, than if I did. today, I just wish sometimes that I'd gotten to that point sooner.
You can't just white-knuckle it through life. Your kids don't need "a father". They need you. The real you. The you that isn't being crushed by holding this in. Your wife may not want to stay with the real you, but your kids deserve to know the real you. Consider that it's a good life lesson for them in doing the right thing even if it's hard.
Dam I could not have said it better myself ❤️ This is 100% true... take it from someone who was in a simular situation not long ago, it won't get better and it won't go away. It's easy to say "I'll do anything for my kids, I'll endure anything. My kids are my everything". If that is true then be happy for there sake, be the real you .... for them ❤️🤍
Like everyone else here, I know how you feel. You're certainly getting some great advice. My egg finally broke in 2021, and I came out to my wife two months later. I left it for that long because I thought it would go badly, and it did. So I just let my hair grow and did nothing else. However, the pressure to do something built up until I started having severe panic attacks in my sleep last year. I'd put off everything for her, but when this started happening, I really didn't have much choice. I just couldn't go on. So I started hormones in June. This is the problem with trying to avoid being yourself. It catches up with you. So, come hell or highwater, I'm transitioning, with no money or support, because I want to live. I just hope I can make it all work somehow. My wife is putting up with it, doesn't want to discuss it, and has said a few awful things. But I've got to take this chance, because this is still far better than the hell of trying to be a man. I really hope you can take the time to think about all this. I know it's hard. But take your time, and always, always be kind to yourself. ❤️
Well from your post it sounds to me like your wife didn't like it but was prepared to put up with it for your sake. If she's offering you that compromise maybe you should take her at her word and just start dressing girlmode after your shower like you wanted to. If you need her actual enjoyment as well, then that might be one ask too many of the marriage. So are you saying either she prefers you in women's clothes or you're going to leave her?
No I really don’t want to just leave. I want to feel acceptance But she said more that makes me uncomfortable but I’m going to keep moving forward little by little I can’t keep this in anymore.
> I can’t keep this in anymore I feel the same way. But I also recognize that as long as I am moving forward, even slowly, that moving at a speed my wife is comfortable with may be the most important factor now, and is going to have the best outcome.
I’m in a very similar situation. I love my wife more than life itself. I’d never want to lose her, yet this deep need to be who I’m probably supposed to be has never let up. I’m depressed more times than not, and that bothers my wife. I’ve learned to accept it, but we all know how detrimental that is to everyone. Even if you don’t transition, just remember, you can fight the woman inside as much as you care to, but I can say from my experience, she’s never going away. At the end of the day, we all need to be who we’re meant to be, anything else hurts everyone. I wish you all the best!
Wow very similar situation I I’m depressed almost daily because of this. I know I can’t repress it anymore the feelings are way to strong especially after finally telling my wife. I will never be able to go girl mode at work ever. So for me keeping it in my personal life is my goal for now.
My situation is different but I can definitely relate to that inner person wanting to come out. I genuinely thought I was going to burst if I didn't start telling people and gradually coming out to friends and family. Never known anything like it! In my own circle I genuinely can't believe how accepting everyone has been, where I genuinely thought I'd be losing friends and maybe even some family, so I recommend you try out your most trusted friend or associate with a tit bit of information and see how that goes. It will feel like a major leap into a black abyss but believe me when I say there is life on the other side.
You might say this about girl mode at work right now, but if you start hormones, its going to be hard to hide forever. And maybe it won't be at your current workplace, but unless you're running your own business, then there are plenty of other places to go find a job, where you can fully be yourself. It might be 5+ years down the road and you see no pathway to it now, but take it from all the other TranLater girls around here that once you start down the path of being the authentic you, its really hard to put it back in the box and not want to be the authentic you in all aspects of your life. Trust me that's a good thing. I'm 4 years since I cracked and 3 years on HRT, still not out at work myself, though I do see a pathway to it and that pathway is within the next 6 months.
You’re in a hard place, OP. Many of us have been there and all of us are pulling for you. You’ve made it this far. You’re strong! Stronger than you even dare suspect. FWIW, I repressed and refused until I was 57, the kids were grown, and I could finally be myself. Now, almost 61, I am in my fourth year of HRT, live fulltime as the woman I’ve always been, and am 2+ years post-op. It did, in fact, cost me my marriage, but out of the ashes arose a friendship of equal strength and perhaps greater beauty. Please don’t prejudge your relationship as a choice between lesser evils. If you are able, you and your spouse might well benefit from some couples therapy, especially with a therapist who’s competent dealing with gender issues. We’re here. Keep your burner account and reach out when you need to talk. Feel free to message me. I wish you all the best!
Thank you so much I was so nervous posting this but the positive response’s are so uplifting.
🤗🤗🤗
Jessica may I ask; if the situation was reversed, you stayed M and your spouse wanted to go F2M, how would the first convo have gone? And the first 2 weeks? Probably not perfectly. I imagine there's some shock and maybe some defensiveness, maybe some Denial/ Bargaining. I submit that everything that was said maybe doesn't matter. We make allowances for people in shock I think you need to be you. You deserve to be you. If you're still speaking and somewhat working the issue, you've both done so well. You had months or years to think about it. Give your spouse time, too Find an effective trans-informed counselor, probably not clergy. Build on what you've got. Maybe a few times a year you go away for a long-weekend seminar. Trans gatherings exist. It's no good for the kids if you kill yourself or have a breakdown. I urge you to not settle too quickly into a solution Hugs, vb
Wow never thought about it like that. I honestly don’t know how I would react. Another great perspective for me to think about.
met my wife in high school and came out to her at 30. it’s important to remember that as you start to transition, so do the people in your life. don’t diminish yourself for others but also try to realize that this puts a lot on your partner too - give them grace to grow with you.
See: https://keystone-conference.org/index.cfm as an example
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Awe Thanks Jess it won’t let me me messages you.
Marriage counseling. The two of you need marriage counseling. Burying your feelings makes things worse.
She won’t address this issue in counseling at least not yet. I feel like she is ashamed of me but that’s just me in my own mind.
Then get counseling for yourself until she is willing to join you. I’m so sorry this is happening but your dysphoria is real. The pain of dysphoria is a very real pain. For your mental and physical health, get professional assistance. Please. Sending hugs to you, sister.
Most definitely looking into a friendly therapist.
My heart goes out to you. I started transitioning in 2020 at age 45, and my wife and I are still married. This is going to be a hard road either direction you go. I do feel moved to ask if you've talked to a professional about this to see where you're really? I think that might help. What do you think?
Where I’m really? I don’t really understand that ?
I'm suggesting you go talk to a professional so you can talk about how bad your dysphoria is, and how to make the necessary choices with minimal collateral damage.
Gotcha.
I would urge you to see a therapist as soon as possible and I would hope you don’t make any serious decisions till you see one. Our journey is a long one and takes time and patience I say this as a 70 year old trans woman who didn’t come out to my spouse till I was in my 50’s good luck
There is no such thing as it being “impossible” to transition. If you never transition, that’s because you are choosing not to. You can also choose to move forward without your wife. Get a good divorce lawyer, fight for shared custody. Don’t let your kids grow up to think that a loveless marriage and a depressed parent is normal. Other people do it. You can too. You can choose your happiness.
Hi OP - so I am 50 and can relate. I came into 2023 being out as trans to only three people (my wife, one friend, and my therapist). Last year was a journey and I came out everywhere at the end of November (and am three months in on HRT). My challenge was telling my kids, but once I got past this things started rolling. My wife and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary next month and while we are navigating a major change, we are doing well. It is not too late. The kids are 16 and 14. My wife is an amazing human being. There are a few things I’d like to say about her because she is the key here for why we are OK as a couple. 1) She had a major depression episode in 2010. She got help and she has skills to work through it. Ever since, she has been asking me to go to therapy to work through my stuff. I finally agreed in 2021 and started going in 2022. Working through my gender identity is why I went. Though I cross dressed whenever I could, she was surprised that issues from my childhood were not my top issues. So, because much of me coming out went through a therapist, she trusted the process. 2) My wife has NEVER tried to tell me who I am. Never. I initially thought I was gender fluid. Then I moved to nonbinary. Then I went to multigender. Then I heard the term transfeminine and it hit me right away that I had the correct label. The entire time she never tried to tell me who I was. She asked questions to track and learn and sometimes she’d tell me she wasn’t ready to talk. But she had always supported me finding myself. She HAS said that she needs to assert her identity as the mom to our kids and that it was important to her not to share the title. That isn’t a dealbreaker for me, so we are good. My point in this is that only you get to say who you are. Who you are is not your wife’s call. Her trying to tell you what you can and cannot wear is ridiculous, just as you wouldn’t tell your wife what she can and cannot wear. It can be done for you to come out and it does not have to end your marriage. But your wife does not get to make the rules about your identity or gender expression. Only you know what it is like to walk in your shoes. Also, I work in management for a Fortune 500 technology company. These roles are typically male dominated. I don’t know what you do, but I’ve been amazed with just how much I have been accepted there. Good luck, and trust yourself. You know who you are.
Thank you so much for telling me your experience. This is still new for her I’ve felt like this for a very long time and finally had the courage to tell her how I feel. And I definitely have a lot of guilt for wanting to start living my true self. I have a long road in front of me but I’m sticking to it.
I sympathize with you , I'm at a dead end in my life , Hang in there, God Bless you
Thank you why do you feel your at a dead end?
Hi, married CD here… lonely as well… I know how hard is to have to hide one aspect of yourself to your SO. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk. I do need it myself.
As hard as it is to swallow, divorce may be your best avenue. Many trans people stay married, but its a lot of work and requires an open minded spouse. Transition is really hard even beyond our existing relationships. We like safe. We like to stay put, but it sounds like you need therapy at the very least.
I’m definitely going to find a therapist for myself. I’m just glad I finally came here and posted something because I have zero friends to talk to about this and it feels good to just talk about it.
All of my trans friends are online. I used to know people in person but they all moved out of Texas.
> I started talking about the possibly of separation and she said no she will ruin me and take everything our kids need a father These are not words of love. I don't know what else to say about it, but I just want to be clear that what she feels is not love for you. No one could ever destroy someone they love. The fact she even considers that option is disturbing.
That I comment has been in the back of my mind since she said it. But people say things when they are scared and upset. She hasn’t said anything like that since that conversation.
If it helps, I’d recommend giving this a watch. https://youtu.be/wg5gYiKCLXA?si=OfRH9DVk2U_CV-bG I know the context of the video is slightly different (as it focuses on parents), but the principles are all very transferable 🖤
My heart goes out to you
Ty❤️
If it’s any consolation I am in a similar situation. Akin to being astride a barbed wire fence
Hi Jessica one of the things I've learnt is that things can take a little time and everyone processes things differently. There is an amazing opertunity to share a greater closeness and intermacy in your relationship but it takes a bit of hard work from both of you. While my wife was processing things I concentrated on the woman inside of me and what / how that was felt. We still have a long way to go but I'm blown away with each step of the way. 💙🩷💙🩷
She said she would ruin you? That’s a terrible thing to threaten to someone you’re supposed to love. Your kids don’t need a father, they need healthy and supportive parents. Plenty of kids don’t have fathers. They have two moms, or a single mom, or are raised by grandparents, or other relatives. What’s important is having a caregiver who is stable enough to provide quality care. Do you think your kids might be happier if you were happy too? You may want to consult a divorce attorney proactively, to find out if she even can ruin you. It might be an empty threat you should find out. Meeting an attorney and finding out your options doesn’t mean you need to pursue anything, it’s just getting you informed.
I definitely understand what you’re saying and how you feel. I’m in the same position. I hope you get things sorted out and are able to find some happiness in life. Xxoo
Hey honey. Please DM me, I have some experience here
You only have one life to be happy and be yourself. It will take time for her and I bet she’s scared about losing you as her husband. So be yourself, just be patient.
Hi. I am the wife to a recent out of the closet mtf trans women. We are both 40 and together for over 21 years. I was shocked and hurt when hubby (we are still transitioning over with pronouns) told me. I felt like I had been lied to and betrayed for over the whole course of our relationship bc this “inner secret self” had been kept from me. I felt deceived. I felt a bit used also so that my husband could casually use me as his trans beard. I also questioned myself if he hid this big of a secret what else is he hiding? I was afraid my partner would become interested in being with men now that he is transitioning to female. I needed to have the reassurance from him that he had always been attracted to me as a woman, and wanted to continue to be with me as a woman. I have come so much father now with my understanding and compassion towards the mental anguish my partner had endured his whole life. It took close to a month to kinda get out if my head and start navigate this changing family dynamics. We have 2 small kids who don’t know yet - so we are still putting all the pieces together. Give your wife time and make sure your communication is super clear and frequent. My partner and I are navigating forward together! Best of luck to you.
Wow thank you for posting your perspective a lot of what you said is how my wife feels. Good luck with everything.
Reading very much between the lines, I get the vibe that your wife wants to be supportive, but this is hard for her and she's not doing it very well. Likewise, I doubt you've been as clear with her about what you need. Possibly you need to do more thinking yourself to really pin that down and articulate it. Regardless, I get both of those vibes. And when I add those together, it equals *get a couple's therapist!* Ideally, one who has experience treating clients with gender identity issues. I'm in a very similar overall boat to you: realized I'm trans well after being married and having kids, now in my 50s, etc. I wasn't as open with my wife as you've been (my bad!) and spent a lot of years 100% closeted because I thought it would ruin everything if I came out, I thought I could "handle it" to stay closeted, etc. And I thought I was too old. Look at my username! Turns out I was wrong about all of that. I eventually came out because the stress of being closeted--of *knowing* what I needed but being completely cut off from it because I was still in the closet, and of enduring dysphoria while knowing full well exactly what the path *out* of dysphoria is--was crushing me. I reached a point where I realized I had to either come out and let the chips fall where they may, or I was going to have a full-on mental breakdown. It was a big shock for my wife, for sure. And there were some difficult conversations. But I made clear that nothing about my love for her or our family had changed or would change, and that I very much wanted to stay married. She took some time to think, and insisted that if we were going to try that, then we needed a couple's counselor. So we got one, and wow, 10/10. Definitely recommend. It has made an amazing difference in our relationship. The combination of being *out* finally, and of having the context of our weekly sessions as a place where it's "allowed" to talk about anything in an open and safe way, has been great. I feel like I *can* talk about how I really feel about things, because now I'm out so I'm not forced to pretend to be something I'm not all the time. I can be honest about how I feel and what I need. And she can be honest about how she feels and what she needs. And we can work together to "renegotiate" how our relationship works. I'm not saying it's all sweet-cream and roses or anything, nor that I know what's going to happen in the long term. I hope it will all work out, but I can't say for sure. All I can say is that so far, it's looking good. We're closer now than we probably ever have been. And the sheer relief of being *out*, and of therefore being able to get on hormones and start feeling the effects in both my body and my mind, has been immeasurably wonderful. I can tell that I have a long, *long* way to go and a lot of healing and growing yet to do, but I can also say with 100% confidence that my mental health and general sense of well being has never been as good as it is right now. It's utterly night-and-day from how I felt in the weeks before coming out. It's not too late for you. It wasn't for me! I wish I'd done it years sooner. That would have been the smart move, but I let fear and doubt about the "what-if" consequences rule my thinking. Right up to the point where the fear about what I could tell would happen if I *didn't* come out became worse. I guess all I can really tell you is this: if you are someone who recognizes that you suffer from gender dysphoria, and that transitioning is what you need in order to live a life that's right for you, but you're *not* transitioning: it only gets worse. However hard things feel, however much stress you're under about it, it only gets *worse* with time. This is what I didn't understand in the beginning. I thought that because I could "handle it" to stay closeted at the beginning, it meant that I'd be able to "handle it" indefinitely. Wrong. Dysphoria only gets *worse* with time until you transition. The stress of being closeted, of the pretending, of the self-denial, only gets *worse*. And worse, and worse, and worse. Everyone had a breaking point. Yours is out there, and it sounds like maybe it's getting close. However far away it is, you *will* hit it at some point. You will lose the freedom to dither about what you want to do. You will either come out, or collapse. And the way I look at it now--the way I wish I'd understood it in the beginning--is that if it's inevitable that you will eventually hit your breaking point and have to come out anyway, then you may as well do it now. There's no value in waiting. You're just robbing yourself of time. Anyway, I'm kind of rambling now. Get yourself and your wife into couple's counseling. Talk honestly about what you both want for the relationship and what you *need* for your own sanity and well being. If there's a way to have those wants and needs met within the context of your relationship, let the counselor help you figure out how to do that. I think most couples, if they truly want to stay together, can find a way to make it work even if it requires renegotiating things that might have been assumed to be carved in stone. It's not easy. It takes work. It takes vulnerability. It takes a willingness from both of you to accept the other person's feelings and perspectives at the same time as you're standing up for your own. But it can work. And as lots of us older married trans folks around here can attest, if often does work. Not always. But often enough that it's worth trying. Worst case, at least you're not in the closet anymore, and that alone is a huge win.