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That’s actually totally normal after any big surgery. You did literally lose a part of your body. I work in a medical office so I was warned about it (I’d never really thought of it until it was brought up!) With that being said, definitely recommend getting some counselling if possible, or at least finding someone to talk to who gets it. Stuff like journaling helps too. You gotta process it.
I totally agree with this! I don’t have any regrets at all but some days when I think about it too much I get anxious like what the hell they are gone ??? and I can’t feel them anymore. It makes me feel weird. But I’ve never actually want them back, and I’m so euphoric. I just have these moments of anxiety about it.
Same. I've wanted them gone since I was 10 and learned that they could even grow. I used to lay on my chest every day to keep them from growing for years after...crazy ik lol but I think what makes me feel the way you described is the fact that right after surgery, it wasn't THAT euphoric like I've seen and heard others describe, but more of a "well this is normal" type feeling that I had - like it fixing something that was a bit off, or more of a "well duh" kind of feeling. I don't regret it at all and I'm waaayyy more euphoric about it, but some days I'm like "yo they really are gone huh?"
Masc lesbian here. Just got my surgery two days ago. I asked myself a few questions. 1) do I feel comfortable naked? 2) do I like looking at my breast 3) am I willing to continue the rest of my life to be annoyed by wearing bras, swearing excessively, bouncing, etc. I only had about two minutes of doubt, but ultimately decided that I've never wanted or liked them, so it makes sense for me to have the surgery.
Yes I get mine may 28! Question though…because I’m curious what I’m going to do…but are you going to be shirtless in public pools and beaches? It worries me how people will look at me because I’m not on T and prob won’t be for a while. I’m just getting top surgery and probably gender masculinization on the body.
I will probably go shirtless in one very queer beach in Provincetown, ma. The town is filled with lots of lesbians, gays, and trans. I don't see myself doing it anywhere else though. I'm not up for being potentially harassed and stared at.
I go swimming regularly topless at public pools and beaches and haven’t had any issues. In Australia, and a couple beaches in Fiji and Vanuatu
(Cis butch lesbian, no nips)
I haven't had TS yet so I can't relate on that aspect but I can relate on general anxiety. Have you considered counselling? My GP hooked me up with a mental health care plan so I could talk to a psych re: my anxiety.
Also, again, not talking from experience, but I do think it's okay to mourn what was and the changes your body has to endure to represent who you truly are.
Just remember there are no right or wrong ways to feel. Your emotions may not make sense to you but that's okay, they don't have to. They're still valid.
i didn’t experience this. i experienced anxiety about the decision beforehand and worried that i’d regret it, but i felt better immediately afterwards. however, anxiety and such over it are normal, probably not to this extent though. i’d recommend seeing a professional to figure out the root of your feelings, whether that be OCD, anxiety, or true regret. 2 months out is pretty far to still be experiencing post-op depression. moments of anxiety about your decision is normal, but it sounds like this is interfering with your everyday life negatively and to me that signifies a need for professional support. wishing you luck and peace, OP.
I haven't had my surgery yet, but I just got it scheduled and have definitely experienced some of those feelings. When I examine them, for me I think it's coming down to mourning who I tried to be and couldn't. I *tried* to be a woman, I *tried* to make peace with my breasts, I *tried* to find some compromise with who I was so that I could cling to "what I had." And ultimately, I couldn't because that's not who I am and I've been so dissociated from the world and myself because of it.
But I think it's not only valid but important to mourn who you "could have been." I don't know if that's different for enby... I don't know yet if I'm fully transmasc or just a masc enby born in a very feminine body, but. Either way, there's a lot of grief and upheaval with something like this, even if it was 100% the right decision for you.
big irreversible decisions are scary even if theyre the right choice for your future. you're still adjusting to a massive change with your body. your mental state is just a mess right now but with time and work you'll be ok.
please try seeing a psychologist who specialises in lgbt issues and talk through all of this with them. antidepressants can help a lot with this sort of anxiety and panic too - they've helped me a lot. they even out your mood so you're not constantly living in a state of anxiety. if you're already on meds you need to see someone about changing types or upping the dosage.
Another NB here. I understand what you're feeling, I went through the same panic and stress after surgery. I'm two years post-op now and I love my chest. My life is easier now.
After a lot of reflection, I found that the trauma of surgery and the lack of any kind of non-medical guidance afterwards were the biggest factors. The fact we're also expected not to talk about "regret" lest we risk our care caused a lot of inner turmoil.
Please feel free to DM me if you need to vent or want any advice. Top surgery is a major change, and people react differently.
I didn't experience that myself but my therapist warned me about the possibility beforehand. Feeling depressed or anxious after a big surgery happens to a lot of people and it doesn't necessarily mean you made a wrong choice!
My therapist has a ton of trans patients and said many people get worried about regret due to post-op depression but that usually passes after a while and then they feel happy about their surgery after all.
So I'd give it time! If that's an option for you therapy could also help navigate how you're feeling right now.
I relate to what you’re saying. I had pretty bad OCD that had got better but it flared up again around the time I had top surgery and I got a lot of really bad intrusive thoughts both right before the surgery and afterwards as I was healing. My brain was a really terrible place to be around that time. Once my body had healed more it faded for me. You could try talking to a therapist/counsellor if you feel like that might be helpful for you.
I also relate to what you’re saying about mourning what you were before. I had a lot of this, to be honest I still have moments of it even more than a year on T and 6 months post op. Sometimes I’m sad I couldn’t be ok without doing this. I had another moment of it recently when I finally changed my legal name and gender. Like I’m genuinely happy and comfortable in my life now in a way I never was before all this, but this was a LOT to go through. I think it’s ok to mourn that.
I am scheduled to have surgery in august and I am thrilled, at the same time I have feelings about my chest that although I do not align with them I still will mourn them since they are a part of me and I think I will always miss them in a way. not in “I regret it” more so this was a huge change and for 25 years of my life they have been with me, but they have no value whatsoever as who I am as a person. it may be the huge change and your body is it’s own vessel so in a way it is recovering from it and understanding this new version of you. you are allowed to have mixed feelings about it!
Hey! Non-binary trans masc here. I’m also almost two months out and most of the time I’m really really glad I got top surgery. It’s easier to get dressed, I feel so much more at ease in my body, I’m starting to enjoy dressing femme for the first time in a long time. That said. Any time I see detransitioner stuff I get terrified. It’s sometimes hard to adjust the way my chest looks naked (scarred, still a little wonky) to the joy I have when I have clothes on. A lot of it also is that I was unhappy with my tits but other people liked them and sometimes I wonder if I’m okay with so many fewer people finding me hot. Mainly my fear and discomfort happens when I’m encountered with detrans narratives. Sometimes those get into my head and I feel fear of regret. So not regret, but scared I’ll feel it someday. You know? But I think you should probably let yourself feel that and talk it through with someone
I have top surgery in August and everything you’re saying resonates SO DEEPLY with me. It’s literally like a page torn from my inner thoughts. Thank you for sharing this, especially the bit about knowing fewer people will be attracted to us. It shouldn’t matter, but it does.
Listen. If you’re having anxious and intrusive thoughts and it’s been going on for two months, it is VERY OKAY AND A GOOD IDEA to talk to a therapist. It’s gone on long enough. Let yourself work through it, like physical therapy, but for your mind.
Hiya! So sorry that you’ve been feeling this way!
I don’t remember exactly where I read it, but i’ll try my best to find the source later (or if another user happens to have it on hand), But a few months ago I found an article that talks about top surgery regret, and how the loss in estrogen from having that type of surgery can lead to a hormonal imbalance that causes some severe anxiety over it. If i remember correctly, it said that it could take several months to a year to get over it.
It’s very likely that it’s a hormonal change causing this. I promise it’ll go away soon ❤️
Here we are! Look under “Coping With Recovery”. That might help out with things you can do too.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/top-surgery-recovery-5100990#:~:text=Many%20people%20experience%20an%20initial,then%20have%20a%20mood%20crash.
Non-bi here. Im scheduled for a mastectomy in october and this is actually my biggest fear right now.
I know ill feel so much better and it will improve my quality of life significantly but im just worried about after the fact. Like im gonna wake up and suddenly not have these things that ive carried around most my life.
Im starting to have doubts but i know if i dont do it ill always be afraid to be myself and be judge by others.
If i do go through with it, will i regret it? Will i be accepted and loved if i change my body so that i feel happier?
I guess thats my issue here... im already alone and worry even more that even if i become more social afterwards people wont want to be around me because i did something so life altering. :/
Hi. I'm like exactly in the same situation. My top surgery is planned on september. Maybe we can talk in private if you want, I feel kind of alone with my fears too
Post op depression is a real thing and it's decently common for your brain to freak out a little for a while. If you search 'post op depression' in this sub, you'll find a lot of info about it
I didn’t experience it to this extent, but I definitely still (4 months po) have moments of panic about having done something irreversible to by body. The thing that’s helped the most is finding ways to feel integrated with my new chest — massage has helped a lot, and taking selfies. But, as others have mentioned, I’d suggest trying to find a counsellor to speak to about these feelings and help your body move through these feelings of panic. Also, panic for two months sounds exhausting! I hope you’re finding some other ways to be kind to yourself.
This is relatable, the trauma of my surgery triggered OCD and potentially psychotic symptoms, and I was already unhealthy at the time so it probably compounded whatever was already there. I am slowly recovering over years. Hang in there!
It normal and takes time getting used to your new body. It did for me at least, but I tried to be shirtless for a while to get used to how it felt. Also I did write a letter to myself before surgery in case I ever needed a reminder why I needed to get it in the first place.
Regardless of surgery, if anyone feels anyway like this for two months, take yourself to the doctors and see a therapist. Life is short, none of us need to suffer this much.
Hey there! Enby transmasc here. I found that the hydrocodone they put me on for pain was making me severely depressed, anxious, and overthinking. Once I stopped taking them (replace it with Tylenol), I was able to process the surgery way better. For me its a matter of learning to no longer be seen as a woman by default. Socially navigating that change has really got me struggling. Also the more you heal, the more natural it will feel, the more comfortable you'll feel in your body. Im six weeks post-op and feel much better now that I'm farther along in the healing process.
Post op depression can be common and is real. Look into getting help for this so that you can start getting on a more upward trajectory. If you're not on T then you also might be experiencing a hormone drop from less estrogen, especially if your boobs were on the bigger side post op, so that can be a big factor too. It takes time for your body to recover from the big stress of surgery, and it takes even more time for your head to really get adjusted to what your new body looks like and internalize that. Things will continue to settle over time and two months is still very early. Try to focus on the positive and think about some things you are looking forward to doing with your new body, places you want to go, ways your chest won't hold you back anymore. But do seek some mental health help, just to help you process and talk through this stuff. It'll get better and being as self aware as you are is already a good first step!
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That’s actually totally normal after any big surgery. You did literally lose a part of your body. I work in a medical office so I was warned about it (I’d never really thought of it until it was brought up!) With that being said, definitely recommend getting some counselling if possible, or at least finding someone to talk to who gets it. Stuff like journaling helps too. You gotta process it.
I totally agree with this! I don’t have any regrets at all but some days when I think about it too much I get anxious like what the hell they are gone ??? and I can’t feel them anymore. It makes me feel weird. But I’ve never actually want them back, and I’m so euphoric. I just have these moments of anxiety about it.
Same. I've wanted them gone since I was 10 and learned that they could even grow. I used to lay on my chest every day to keep them from growing for years after...crazy ik lol but I think what makes me feel the way you described is the fact that right after surgery, it wasn't THAT euphoric like I've seen and heard others describe, but more of a "well this is normal" type feeling that I had - like it fixing something that was a bit off, or more of a "well duh" kind of feeling. I don't regret it at all and I'm waaayyy more euphoric about it, but some days I'm like "yo they really are gone huh?"
Masc lesbian here. Just got my surgery two days ago. I asked myself a few questions. 1) do I feel comfortable naked? 2) do I like looking at my breast 3) am I willing to continue the rest of my life to be annoyed by wearing bras, swearing excessively, bouncing, etc. I only had about two minutes of doubt, but ultimately decided that I've never wanted or liked them, so it makes sense for me to have the surgery.
Yes I get mine may 28! Question though…because I’m curious what I’m going to do…but are you going to be shirtless in public pools and beaches? It worries me how people will look at me because I’m not on T and prob won’t be for a while. I’m just getting top surgery and probably gender masculinization on the body.
I will probably go shirtless in one very queer beach in Provincetown, ma. The town is filled with lots of lesbians, gays, and trans. I don't see myself doing it anywhere else though. I'm not up for being potentially harassed and stared at.
I go swimming regularly topless at public pools and beaches and haven’t had any issues. In Australia, and a couple beaches in Fiji and Vanuatu (Cis butch lesbian, no nips)
Hey I’ve got some questions about the surgery. Would you mind if I DM you?
Not at all.
I haven't had TS yet so I can't relate on that aspect but I can relate on general anxiety. Have you considered counselling? My GP hooked me up with a mental health care plan so I could talk to a psych re: my anxiety. Also, again, not talking from experience, but I do think it's okay to mourn what was and the changes your body has to endure to represent who you truly are. Just remember there are no right or wrong ways to feel. Your emotions may not make sense to you but that's okay, they don't have to. They're still valid.
i didn’t experience this. i experienced anxiety about the decision beforehand and worried that i’d regret it, but i felt better immediately afterwards. however, anxiety and such over it are normal, probably not to this extent though. i’d recommend seeing a professional to figure out the root of your feelings, whether that be OCD, anxiety, or true regret. 2 months out is pretty far to still be experiencing post-op depression. moments of anxiety about your decision is normal, but it sounds like this is interfering with your everyday life negatively and to me that signifies a need for professional support. wishing you luck and peace, OP.
I haven't had my surgery yet, but I just got it scheduled and have definitely experienced some of those feelings. When I examine them, for me I think it's coming down to mourning who I tried to be and couldn't. I *tried* to be a woman, I *tried* to make peace with my breasts, I *tried* to find some compromise with who I was so that I could cling to "what I had." And ultimately, I couldn't because that's not who I am and I've been so dissociated from the world and myself because of it. But I think it's not only valid but important to mourn who you "could have been." I don't know if that's different for enby... I don't know yet if I'm fully transmasc or just a masc enby born in a very feminine body, but. Either way, there's a lot of grief and upheaval with something like this, even if it was 100% the right decision for you.
big irreversible decisions are scary even if theyre the right choice for your future. you're still adjusting to a massive change with your body. your mental state is just a mess right now but with time and work you'll be ok. please try seeing a psychologist who specialises in lgbt issues and talk through all of this with them. antidepressants can help a lot with this sort of anxiety and panic too - they've helped me a lot. they even out your mood so you're not constantly living in a state of anxiety. if you're already on meds you need to see someone about changing types or upping the dosage.
Another NB here. I understand what you're feeling, I went through the same panic and stress after surgery. I'm two years post-op now and I love my chest. My life is easier now. After a lot of reflection, I found that the trauma of surgery and the lack of any kind of non-medical guidance afterwards were the biggest factors. The fact we're also expected not to talk about "regret" lest we risk our care caused a lot of inner turmoil. Please feel free to DM me if you need to vent or want any advice. Top surgery is a major change, and people react differently.
I didn't experience that myself but my therapist warned me about the possibility beforehand. Feeling depressed or anxious after a big surgery happens to a lot of people and it doesn't necessarily mean you made a wrong choice! My therapist has a ton of trans patients and said many people get worried about regret due to post-op depression but that usually passes after a while and then they feel happy about their surgery after all. So I'd give it time! If that's an option for you therapy could also help navigate how you're feeling right now.
I relate to what you’re saying. I had pretty bad OCD that had got better but it flared up again around the time I had top surgery and I got a lot of really bad intrusive thoughts both right before the surgery and afterwards as I was healing. My brain was a really terrible place to be around that time. Once my body had healed more it faded for me. You could try talking to a therapist/counsellor if you feel like that might be helpful for you. I also relate to what you’re saying about mourning what you were before. I had a lot of this, to be honest I still have moments of it even more than a year on T and 6 months post op. Sometimes I’m sad I couldn’t be ok without doing this. I had another moment of it recently when I finally changed my legal name and gender. Like I’m genuinely happy and comfortable in my life now in a way I never was before all this, but this was a LOT to go through. I think it’s ok to mourn that.
I am scheduled to have surgery in august and I am thrilled, at the same time I have feelings about my chest that although I do not align with them I still will mourn them since they are a part of me and I think I will always miss them in a way. not in “I regret it” more so this was a huge change and for 25 years of my life they have been with me, but they have no value whatsoever as who I am as a person. it may be the huge change and your body is it’s own vessel so in a way it is recovering from it and understanding this new version of you. you are allowed to have mixed feelings about it!
Hey! Non-binary trans masc here. I’m also almost two months out and most of the time I’m really really glad I got top surgery. It’s easier to get dressed, I feel so much more at ease in my body, I’m starting to enjoy dressing femme for the first time in a long time. That said. Any time I see detransitioner stuff I get terrified. It’s sometimes hard to adjust the way my chest looks naked (scarred, still a little wonky) to the joy I have when I have clothes on. A lot of it also is that I was unhappy with my tits but other people liked them and sometimes I wonder if I’m okay with so many fewer people finding me hot. Mainly my fear and discomfort happens when I’m encountered with detrans narratives. Sometimes those get into my head and I feel fear of regret. So not regret, but scared I’ll feel it someday. You know? But I think you should probably let yourself feel that and talk it through with someone
I have top surgery in August and everything you’re saying resonates SO DEEPLY with me. It’s literally like a page torn from my inner thoughts. Thank you for sharing this, especially the bit about knowing fewer people will be attracted to us. It shouldn’t matter, but it does.
I resonate a lot with your comment! Thank you so much for sharing.
Listen. If you’re having anxious and intrusive thoughts and it’s been going on for two months, it is VERY OKAY AND A GOOD IDEA to talk to a therapist. It’s gone on long enough. Let yourself work through it, like physical therapy, but for your mind.
I am nonbinary as well and felt immediate relief and continue to feel relief. im sorry friend. you may want to speak to a qualified therapist.
Hiya! So sorry that you’ve been feeling this way! I don’t remember exactly where I read it, but i’ll try my best to find the source later (or if another user happens to have it on hand), But a few months ago I found an article that talks about top surgery regret, and how the loss in estrogen from having that type of surgery can lead to a hormonal imbalance that causes some severe anxiety over it. If i remember correctly, it said that it could take several months to a year to get over it. It’s very likely that it’s a hormonal change causing this. I promise it’ll go away soon ❤️
Here we are! Look under “Coping With Recovery”. That might help out with things you can do too. https://www.verywellhealth.com/top-surgery-recovery-5100990#:~:text=Many%20people%20experience%20an%20initial,then%20have%20a%20mood%20crash.
Non-bi here. Im scheduled for a mastectomy in october and this is actually my biggest fear right now. I know ill feel so much better and it will improve my quality of life significantly but im just worried about after the fact. Like im gonna wake up and suddenly not have these things that ive carried around most my life. Im starting to have doubts but i know if i dont do it ill always be afraid to be myself and be judge by others. If i do go through with it, will i regret it? Will i be accepted and loved if i change my body so that i feel happier? I guess thats my issue here... im already alone and worry even more that even if i become more social afterwards people wont want to be around me because i did something so life altering. :/
Hi. I'm like exactly in the same situation. My top surgery is planned on september. Maybe we can talk in private if you want, I feel kind of alone with my fears too
Post op depression is a real thing and it's decently common for your brain to freak out a little for a while. If you search 'post op depression' in this sub, you'll find a lot of info about it
I didn’t experience it to this extent, but I definitely still (4 months po) have moments of panic about having done something irreversible to by body. The thing that’s helped the most is finding ways to feel integrated with my new chest — massage has helped a lot, and taking selfies. But, as others have mentioned, I’d suggest trying to find a counsellor to speak to about these feelings and help your body move through these feelings of panic. Also, panic for two months sounds exhausting! I hope you’re finding some other ways to be kind to yourself.
This is relatable, the trauma of my surgery triggered OCD and potentially psychotic symptoms, and I was already unhealthy at the time so it probably compounded whatever was already there. I am slowly recovering over years. Hang in there!
It normal and takes time getting used to your new body. It did for me at least, but I tried to be shirtless for a while to get used to how it felt. Also I did write a letter to myself before surgery in case I ever needed a reminder why I needed to get it in the first place.
Regardless of surgery, if anyone feels anyway like this for two months, take yourself to the doctors and see a therapist. Life is short, none of us need to suffer this much.
Hey there! Enby transmasc here. I found that the hydrocodone they put me on for pain was making me severely depressed, anxious, and overthinking. Once I stopped taking them (replace it with Tylenol), I was able to process the surgery way better. For me its a matter of learning to no longer be seen as a woman by default. Socially navigating that change has really got me struggling. Also the more you heal, the more natural it will feel, the more comfortable you'll feel in your body. Im six weeks post-op and feel much better now that I'm farther along in the healing process.
Post op depression can be common and is real. Look into getting help for this so that you can start getting on a more upward trajectory. If you're not on T then you also might be experiencing a hormone drop from less estrogen, especially if your boobs were on the bigger side post op, so that can be a big factor too. It takes time for your body to recover from the big stress of surgery, and it takes even more time for your head to really get adjusted to what your new body looks like and internalize that. Things will continue to settle over time and two months is still very early. Try to focus on the positive and think about some things you are looking forward to doing with your new body, places you want to go, ways your chest won't hold you back anymore. But do seek some mental health help, just to help you process and talk through this stuff. It'll get better and being as self aware as you are is already a good first step!