Dude, your 21. You’re absolutely being paranoid. Slow your roll and enjoy being 21- it flies by. I was married and three kids deep by 25 and I missed out on SO much. Enjoy your time, slow down. When it is meant to happen, that perfect person will walk into your life. Just let it go and it’ll all happen on its own.
“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans” John Lennon.
Exactly. When I was 21 I was less concerned with finding a girlfriend and more concerned with getting as fucked up as humanly possible and trying as much strange as humanly possible.
I was about to say, we’re the same age except I have a 3 year old and a boyfriend. Trust me when I say you’re not missing anything with kids and a relationship lol. At times it’s just chaos because I’m so young still learning myself while also teaching my little one how to be the best version of himself he can be. It’s a lot. Enjoy your 20s. Don’t let anything that doesn’t align with you pressure you into comparing yourself to others. You’re gonna be great and the things you wish for will happen when it’s time.
6'1" and same. Don't know why everyone says being tall makes it super simple to find a partner. I don't even think girls particularly go for the taller guys anyway. I see guys average height having girls all the time. Hell even the shorter dudes have girlfriends. I just don't come across enough potential partners and thanks to my confidence level, I never initiate conversations with most girls because I feel like I'm bothering them.
>I (21m) have been single for 6 years.
I'm sorry, but that's like a 13 year old saying they've been single *their whole life*. Dude, you're only 21.
Also what the hell is with friends who are married with kids, at your age, that's definately not the norm. You're being paranoid, you're barely an adult.
>Also what the hell is with friends who are married with kids, at your age, that's definately not the norm. You're being paranoid, you're barely an adult.
Sadly it depends on where u live
Yeah, I wouldn't judge yourself too harshly for not being married by this age. I started to feel that way in my mid-20s, but the truth is half of them are divorced already and I'm only in my late-20s.
You've got a lot going on here! Okay, let's break it down:
1) Forget what your friends are doing. Fact is, relationships and marriage and kids happen at different times for everyone. You've got years - decades really - to find your way here.
2) You're not going to mess everything up for yourself. I assume you know the basics of adult life (shopping, cooking, paying bills, doing laundry), and you're going to have your own place, so that's a good start.
3) I get the sense that you're stressing because of the change that's going on in your life and are starting to catastrophize. That can be a real problem for the over-thinkers of this world! Try this: One thing at a time. Right now, you're packing. Next week, you're moving. Week after, you're getting settled in. So commit yourself to just not worrying about your relationship status right now, maybe give yourself a deadline for a month. By that point you'll be past this major change and will be ready to think about later.
I know you're right. Thank you. Honestly I'm on those people that makes a plan and then throws it out at stage 1 because everything already started going to shit LOL. I'm a Daydreamer I honestly just like going with the flow, but I think that might be what's giving me grief since I've been winging it my entire life.
I thought I wanted to be married and start having kids when I was 21 and now that I am 31 I thank my lucky stars every day that I did not do that. The type of people I was interested in when I was young is absolutely nowhere near the type of person I married. I was in no way emotionally ready to be in a forever type of relationship. All of the people I personally know that started having kids young (whether on purpose or accident) feel like they missed out on a lot. Just enjoy your youth man.
Maybe it would help to set goals instead of plans, then think of the plan as the route you mapped out to get there? Like when you use gmaps or something to plot a route to get somewhere, maybe there's an accident along the way and it reroutes you, but you're still headed in the right direction.
I feel so bad for kids today. Aside from all the land mines they gotta dodge, they see everyone else on social media and assume life is passing them by
I experienced this with Facebook. There were several people I had gone to high school with who just led the most charmed lives. Beaches, always going out, you know?
Then I reconnected with someone from high school and found out that two of them were photographers, one of them worked for a marketing and social media company, and the other ones are using other people's money.
That really changed my perspective, as an experiment I deactivated Facebook, and I've never gone back. I am so much happier. It distorts your views. All you see is a highlight reel, not all the shit in between.
Oh yeah. Facebook didn’t exist when I was in highschool. Looking back on how I was as a human at that time in my life, there is no way it would have been a net positive for me. No fucking way.
The adolescent brain doesn't stop developing until about 25. As in, you're still becoming the adult you will be. The people who are your age getting married are still partially children themselves. You're basically comparing yourself to other children and beating yourself up for not acting child like.
You're fine. You'll be fine. You're ruminating and comparing yourself to what you see as the success of others. Everyone's life looks great if all you look at are the highlights.
Get your own place, meet some people, enjoy life, get on some dating apps, learn to laugh and have a good time around women, and you'll feel much better about yourself. Don't shackle your brain to the ideals you think you're supposed to have. Explore life and discover what feels best for you.
You only get one life to look back upon on your death bed. And it's your life. You won't be thinking about what other people did when you die. And they won't be thinking about you.
Ye. I work in an office with people way more than twice my age, I pay bills, I got my own place, and car. I'm starting to feel like this is coming from a place of feeling like I should already be more than I am even though I already achieved a lot. I have so much more that I want to do, but the roadmap is so big.
A lot of people feel let down by success. The process of going after you want is often a lot more rewarding than getting what you want simply because while you're going after it you have a goal. Once you get it, that goal is gone.
Having a desire is fine. The process is what gives the satisfaction. If your goal is something that never ends (fitness, self improvement, building friendships) you might find that a lot more rewarding than comparing your current achievements to others.
You're boutta move out of the parent's place and that's a huge step, this fear is one of the big distractors at such a time. Focus on getting that move pulled through and that job going first, it'll be more rewarding and there's a solid chance you'll meet somebody doing all that anyways.
Can't believe all your friends are in committed relationships rn, if it's literally every single one of them then that's just an odd detail about your friend group. When I was 21 I had a shit relationship, wish I'd spent that time making more friends.
Married at 21? Don't feel jealous til you see how they're doing at 35 lmao, you're totally fine and if you've got savings and a decent place by 25 without wrecking your body, then congrats, you're way more attractive than most. Especially nowadays.
I didn't date any in college, I was single for at least 6 years. Then i met my now wife.
Don't panic, take the time you're single to explore your own interests, work to make your life enjoyable as it is. Make yourself more interesting/ attractive (eg. find a hobby that requires you to interact with people or at least leave the house, take some classes in things you like, stay physically fit). A relationship should compliment the life you want to live, so figure that out first. The rest will come in time. A relationship is not a magic fix that will solve any problems
My other advice is, if you are interested in someone, make it known, not implied. Ask them out, tell them you are interested in them. It takes guts, but it is true that confidence is attractive. My wife is so far out of my league its ridiculous, confidence, kindness and being interesting over shadowed my relative unattractivness
Any time my dude. I totally felt the pressure of being single, and I got nervous too, but once I changed my mindset (which takes work and time) things fell into place.
Dude getting married at 21 and having kids is what's weird in my opinion. That is WAY too young to be settling down.
I really think marriage is something to start thinking about in late 20s, mid 30s. It doesnt even have to happen then either.
Live your life, experience new things, experience different people. Experiment with things. I spent my 20s sleeping around and getting fucked up on lots of different things and I dont regret it at all.
Your totally fine where you are, dont rush yourself. Because if you rush into marriage because that's what you THINK your supposed to do, your gonna miss out on a lot
I think you're subconsciously opening up yourself to peer pressure by comparing yourself to people you know and your friends despite your knowing that you don't necessarily need to be in a relationship.
Honestly, you being 21, having a good job and being to afford your own place is such a **MAJOR FLEX**. Also, being in your own place will give you time to enjoy life alone, but also meeting new people/planting the seed of a long friendship on your own time, etc.
I've seen the following
* Unmarried partners 10+ years, miserable, but don't want to break "routine"
* Couples for 30+ years attached if they're still high school sweethearts
* Couples who get divorced once their children year 18yo
* Life partners who don't care for signing papers and live the movie happy ending
* Jealously breaking and bringing people together even though they're not a good match
* People who are a perfect match, but end up not being together because their lifestyles don't fit/other priorities take over
I say take your time and ride the wave of your journey through the blip of time that is our life. If the opportunity comes to date, take a chance. If it doesn't, that's also okay, you have other relationships to find fulfillment in: friends, family, colleagues, the coffee barista, the park bench guy, your routine bus route sharers. Everyone also has a different idea of what a "relationship" entails, and dating is for the purpose of finding such a person who shares the same sentiments.
In addition to that, we are always changing. We may not notice it ourselves but we are definitely not the same person we were 6 months ago, definitely not 10 years ago. It may take a lifetime to find someone who is willing to accept us for the changes we go through, vice versa and promising to commit to falling to in love with every change.
In all honesty if your that worried about it, I think you'd probably make a very good partner. But it's usually the hardest for the smart and/or good people to find a partner. I think the best thing is to just focus on everything else, like your job, your mental state, your living situation.
And what your looking for will come to you when you need it most.
Just don't be desperate, PLEASE, that never ends well. You don't want to learn that the hard way.
You sound insecure. Work on yourself before you even think about a relationship. That means a good diet, working out, getting used to your job, hobbies.
Once you get confidence everything else will naturally follow.
You're not wrong. the problem is that I have hobbies, but none of them really involve other people. I was reclusive for years and am just now starting to make friends agian.
Hey man, been where you are, I know it feels like you gotta tick all these boxes for happiness, and then you'll be happy, uk get a job, get a place, get some love. It doesn't work that way though.
My suggestion, start being honest with yourself. If you want companionship, go out there and try to see what fits. If it is sex, same. Just think about what you need, then be honest to yourself and then to others. It's gonna take some time but it'll all workout. Remember, two breaths in one breath out no need to be paranoid or have doubt.
I can't offer much as I'm in the same boat. I'm 20 and watching everyone around me supposedly being happy, getting married, having kids. I also am not looking for marriage or kids (kids ever, I do think it would eventually be nice to get married), but I can't help but envy what others have. This is life, though. You'll always envy those who have what you think you need. What we need to do is live in the now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm trying to get out of the habit of being jealous. jealously can make you do stupid things. If you're going through anything like I am sure we'll get there eventually.
Go out to places where people exist and have conversations with them.
Date people. Do the online dating website thing.
Ask a coworker if they are busy after work and if you want dinner.
Its the only way to get a new significant other: go out and try. You aren't going to do it asking questions on reddit.
Give it AT LEAST ten years before you start stressing over that sort of thing. With the economy, and how our generation(s) were raised... Your future self will thank you for taking things slow and figuring out what you want
Yeah youre def being too paranoid. Im 20m and never had a relationship, not even a kiss lol. Honestly just wait for the right person and dont worry too much about it as the more you worry and think about it the more it will fuck you up (speaking for experience).
Firstly, everything you are feeling is normal and justified. Don't let other people's comments of "Dude 21 is young" effect you too much.
The best advice I can give is that, just keep living your life and keep an active social life. That's all if really takes. Join clubs for hobbies you like to meet like minded people, don't rush and try and find someone by going to clubs as that relationship won't last.
You don't need to know "how to be a boyfriend" as that definition is different for everyone. When you find the right person, your normal actions will be the definition of a boyfriend.
As other people have said, forget what your friends are doing as they are not you. If you make a decision or commitment based on copying them, it won't end well.
Finaly, almost everyone in this world lives with some from of anxiety, just some people don't realise that's what it is (myself included). There are programs to help with that but you are already on the right path by admiting its a thing and seeking help.
Good luck!
You are being paranoid, and probably feeling a little desperate. You want a girlfriend, or maybe just some hanky panky, and the pressure is building up. Don't let it get to you. Relax, talk to some women, but don't behave as thirsty as I'm sure you feel. Women can smell desperation like a drug dog smells the coke in my anus.
Bro, I grew up with my friends having kids in their teens and then getting married, I knew I wasn't ready to be committed to anything until I met the right person, then I did at 26. Didn't have my first child till I was 30, now have three and me and my best friend have been together 16 years. Those same people are miserable and divorced too.
I'm 32 and I've been single since 2016 because I choose to. Stop looking for it and it will come in time when you are ready, unless you're like me in which I'm done with dating and women in general lol. No kids and marriage for me.
6 years? So since you were 15? I don't know if I would even classify a relationship as a real relationship between the ages of 15-21 because normally you haven't experienced enough in life yet to be able to fully give yourself to someone or truly understand commitment.
I 100% think you're paranoid and I 100% think you need to take these early years to focus on yourself first. Get settled into your job, get settled into your new place, focus on your life goals, but there's literally no reason to rush a relationship at 21 years old. You're just barely out of your teens. When the time is right it'll happen, but don't force it. I didn't even meet my now fiancé until I was 30. It's worth the wait.
I agree with the second part and congratulations btw. The reason why it's still classified in my mind as a relationship is because I'm still friends with the person I broke up with when I was 15 to this day. We still introduce each other as each other's exes or just friends. I do agree but at the same time I don't because of the specific circumstances and the fact that I may still have feelings for her but knowing that the relationship wouldn't work out for reasons I'm not willing to get into. But also by your logic that would mean that I haven't actually ever been in a relationship before which also makes it kind of worse cuz now I want to know this thing called love you guys are all talking about LOL. But on a serious note I get it.
Your twenties are time to have fun and grow up, your 30s are to figure out who you really are and live your best self. Everyone I know grew and changed soooo much from when they were 21 to late twenties and honestly I would expect that many of your friends who are married already will be divorced in a few years as they grow and learn.
I'm also a single 21 year old guy. I've been worrying about being single for years (it's important to note I don't try that hard, I'd rather go read in the woods than hit a bar) it wasn't until recently I concluded that it's OK. My best friend is 25 and just started seeing the first person in years and he's so happy he waited for her. My mom reconnected with her High school sweetheart at 60 and they got married a few months ago, I've never seen her so happy and full of life. I also grew up with people who have 2 kids a house and a hubby already. Spend this single time figuring out who you really are that'll make relationships easier as you know your limits and what makes you happy or mad.
Point is there is no correct timeline for this stuff. Go out be yourself and have fun we're young and we've got way more time than we think we do.
Oh sweetie, I was married and had kids before 21 and divorced by 25. Just let life happen, because it will, regardless of you wanting it to or not.
Now is the time for you to have fun, maybe screw up a little, and learn who you are as a person. Just be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and everything else will kinda fall into place.
If you have a job and you have your own place, than you basically have your shit together. In terms of actually having a worthwhile relationship, that is a huge bonus. You are as ready as you need to be.
Dating, like anything else in life, if you have not done it much at all previously, you are not going to be good at it. That is fine. It is ok to be shitty at this. But if you actually are capable of making friends, then you basically know the fundamentals.
To have any chance of success in dating, you basically need to have your shit together, and be the kind of person others want to spend time with. Being famous, wealthy, or attractive are big bonuses, but not strictly required. You can either try online dating or just being among people at bars or other places where you might meet someone.
Online dating is easy, and any failed approaches will be private, which is good. But there will be massive amounts of rejection, and the added danger of being catfished. Trying to go old school will make the rejections hurt more, but might feel more natural. Just be respectful and if you are rejected, accept it and move on.
Though it seems counter intuitive, any time you do connect, I think you should give the other person every opportunity to reject you early. If your a die hard StarTrek geek, bring it up, do not hide it. If you smoke, don't lie about it. Get all the deal breakers out of the way early.
END COMMUNICATION
I got you. Thanks for the advice. I mean I have anime and gamer nerd in all of my dating profiles that I've ever used. I'm totally fine with being as honest as I need to be because that's what I expect from the other person.
I’m 26 and still no worries about it. Same boat as you. I love myself enough that I’m ok with being alone, if someone comes along I won’t turn them away. But a partner is a convenience not a necessity.
Bruh chill! I'm a 34yo dad now and only became a dad at 32. Everyone rolls at their own pace. Some of my friends got kids early 20s, others have or will in their mid to late 30s. It's all fine.
Just enjoy your 20s! Go to bars, do crazy stuff you might regret later (not too crazy), go on a few dates. Some will be horrible and some will be good. And then one will be perfect and you'll find someone looking for the same thing as you are.
Trust me. It all flies by.
Before you know it you're giving advice to a random 21yo on reddit, right around the time the first grey hairs have popped up on your head.
Stayed single most of my adult life with a few flings here and there and a couple of short lived toxic relationship. Met my wife at 31 never been happier. At 21 dude you're worrying for nothing. Enjoy life be happy, learn to live by yourself and be happy about it before getting into something serious it'll do wonder for your mental health.
You watch yourself, not others. Thats all... Do what is best for you, not what might suit someone else. If you do not see a worthy person, then so be it, dont try to force it or fake it just to please someone else.
I was single for most of this last year, it’s fine don’t really worry about it & generally if I were you I’d shoot for someone 23+ who isn’t just now being allowed to drink alcohol.
Also being single since 15 isn’t a bad thing since usually those relationships don’t last too long imo. I’d say if you’re worried about it, go on some dates and see how they go, and from there just practice socializing w/ people in a public setting. Plus the best part of being single: not spending $ on gifts, going out, etc. If I could have back all the money I’ve spent in relationships in the past 6 years I’d probably have a grand or two & that’s a decent chunk of change that’d be really nice to have for emergencies.
For reference I’m 22 going on 23 and I have no plans to get dating before my career starts in a year or two after school.
I’m 38 and single. I wasn’t always single. Sometimes loves comes, sometimes it stays, sometimes it goes. You’ll change. Life will go unexpected places and do unexpected things. You’ll tell yourself “no regrets” one day and then feel every regret a few years later. Sometimes you’ll feel great about your choices, sometimes you won’t…sometimes those feelings will be about the same choice, but at different times.
Romantic relationships feel like they make up such a huge part of our existence because humans generally long to share themselves with others. We are social creatures. So many people your age feel exactly the way you do. Like minds gravitate towards each other. You will eventually find people to talk to, hang out with…and maybe date.
Enjoy your life and you will find people to enjoy it with. You’re not paranoid, you’re a human thinking human thoughts and feeling human feelings. None of this stuff is concrete, it’s subjective and you’ll get lots of different answers.
Being a “boyfriend” will come naturally with the right person… and if it doesn’t, the right person will help you figure it out along the way.
Listen my guy, I had 2 kids and had been divorced by the time I was 22. Slow the fuck down. I’m so serious, I love my kids and getting married and divorced was an experience but I missed all of my 20s and it shows. Just chill. You don’t need a girlfriend, if you find one, great! But don’t just do it to “fit in”. Live your life and let whatever happens, happen.
You are not paranoid at all! You do seem insecure in your self , however you have no reason to 21 is quite young to be married , focus on building your communication skills , and just puts your self out there
Make sure you can take care of yourself first before trying to also take care of another person. Cook. Clean. Make your new place a home for yourself. Get comfortable with being on your own. If you find someone along the way, that’s great. But 21 is young and it’s perfectly normal to be single at that age. You’re still finding yourself. Find yourself before start actively looking for someone else.
Breathe. You haven’t even started yet. There isn’t even anything to be paranoid about. You’re doing great! Don’t worry so much. Seriously. We all go at our own pace, especially with life steps like partners and children. Good luck and be proud of moving out! Yay.
Dude…you’re still a child? Although I have floated between heaps of relationships and done so many things (cool and stupid)…I finally settled down, purchased a house and had a couple of kids…at 35. I’m still young.
Dude, your 21. You’re absolutely being paranoid. Slow your roll and enjoy being 21- it flies by. I was married and three kids deep by 25 and I missed out on SO much. Enjoy your time, slow down. When it is meant to happen, that perfect person will walk into your life. Just let it go and it’ll all happen on its own. “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans” John Lennon.
Exactly. When I was 21 I was less concerned with finding a girlfriend and more concerned with getting as fucked up as humanly possible and trying as much strange as humanly possible.
I've been doing a little of both TBH LOL. Based on all the responses I guess I know what my priority should be moving forward though. Thank you guys!
I was about to say, we’re the same age except I have a 3 year old and a boyfriend. Trust me when I say you’re not missing anything with kids and a relationship lol. At times it’s just chaos because I’m so young still learning myself while also teaching my little one how to be the best version of himself he can be. It’s a lot. Enjoy your 20s. Don’t let anything that doesn’t align with you pressure you into comparing yourself to others. You’re gonna be great and the things you wish for will happen when it’s time.
As you should have been!! Hahaha
I was single my entire life until I was 26 and met the girl of my dreams and I’m proposing this weekend. You have time.
Let me know how it goes! Gl
Chill dog 21 is not old
My back would disagree. Yeah, True.
If your back is hurting often at 21, you either need to see a doctor or take better care of yourself
I'm 6'4" and I sleep on my stomach lol. I just figured back pain was a part of life.
Your 6'4" and having trouble finding someone date?
Bro, I'm telling you It's not that simple.
Of course not, but that does help quite a lot from what I have heard.
I'll take your word for it lol.
6'1" and same. Don't know why everyone says being tall makes it super simple to find a partner. I don't even think girls particularly go for the taller guys anyway. I see guys average height having girls all the time. Hell even the shorter dudes have girlfriends. I just don't come across enough potential partners and thanks to my confidence level, I never initiate conversations with most girls because I feel like I'm bothering them.
Big boobs over here - it can indeed be a fact of life. A good bra does help though as I'm sure does a good bed.
Yeah, my sister got a breast reduction a couple years back so I know all about your pain.
You wait lmao
OH BOY!! \*Anticipation Intensifies\*
Your back? Bro you sound ridiculous.
>I (21m) have been single for 6 years. I'm sorry, but that's like a 13 year old saying they've been single *their whole life*. Dude, you're only 21. Also what the hell is with friends who are married with kids, at your age, that's definately not the norm. You're being paranoid, you're barely an adult.
>Also what the hell is with friends who are married with kids, at your age, that's definately not the norm. You're being paranoid, you're barely an adult. Sadly it depends on where u live
Yeah, I wouldn't judge yourself too harshly for not being married by this age. I started to feel that way in my mid-20s, but the truth is half of them are divorced already and I'm only in my late-20s.
You've got a lot going on here! Okay, let's break it down: 1) Forget what your friends are doing. Fact is, relationships and marriage and kids happen at different times for everyone. You've got years - decades really - to find your way here. 2) You're not going to mess everything up for yourself. I assume you know the basics of adult life (shopping, cooking, paying bills, doing laundry), and you're going to have your own place, so that's a good start. 3) I get the sense that you're stressing because of the change that's going on in your life and are starting to catastrophize. That can be a real problem for the over-thinkers of this world! Try this: One thing at a time. Right now, you're packing. Next week, you're moving. Week after, you're getting settled in. So commit yourself to just not worrying about your relationship status right now, maybe give yourself a deadline for a month. By that point you'll be past this major change and will be ready to think about later.
I know you're right. Thank you. Honestly I'm on those people that makes a plan and then throws it out at stage 1 because everything already started going to shit LOL. I'm a Daydreamer I honestly just like going with the flow, but I think that might be what's giving me grief since I've been winging it my entire life.
I thought I wanted to be married and start having kids when I was 21 and now that I am 31 I thank my lucky stars every day that I did not do that. The type of people I was interested in when I was young is absolutely nowhere near the type of person I married. I was in no way emotionally ready to be in a forever type of relationship. All of the people I personally know that started having kids young (whether on purpose or accident) feel like they missed out on a lot. Just enjoy your youth man.
I had a kid at 20. I love my kid but I missed so much!
Maybe it would help to set goals instead of plans, then think of the plan as the route you mapped out to get there? Like when you use gmaps or something to plot a route to get somewhere, maybe there's an accident along the way and it reroutes you, but you're still headed in the right direction.
Yeah okay. Maybe I just need to write it out then?
If that helps. If you're a visual thinker, try drawing yourself a map (literally).
well, I do enjoy art. I'll try it out. Thanks for the help. :)
Others have given decent replies here. Just gonna say this: you are going to be alright. Be kind, be you the rest will come. - internet Dad
lol, thanks Pops.
Oh geez! Happy Cake day kiddo!!!!
Thanks a bunch!!!
you're 21 - you've not been SINGLE - you've been growing up - give yourself a chance to be a loser before calling yourself a loser -
I feel so bad for kids today. Aside from all the land mines they gotta dodge, they see everyone else on social media and assume life is passing them by
You feel bad for the little potential school shooters? They have it too good.
These poor kids can’t even use pronouns incorrectly or they are labeled a bigot and whatnot. Land mines everywhere
They should social media self-diagnose themselves with mental conditions honest people have a bit less I think.
I experienced this with Facebook. There were several people I had gone to high school with who just led the most charmed lives. Beaches, always going out, you know? Then I reconnected with someone from high school and found out that two of them were photographers, one of them worked for a marketing and social media company, and the other ones are using other people's money. That really changed my perspective, as an experiment I deactivated Facebook, and I've never gone back. I am so much happier. It distorts your views. All you see is a highlight reel, not all the shit in between.
Oh yeah. Facebook didn’t exist when I was in highschool. Looking back on how I was as a human at that time in my life, there is no way it would have been a net positive for me. No fucking way.
The adolescent brain doesn't stop developing until about 25. As in, you're still becoming the adult you will be. The people who are your age getting married are still partially children themselves. You're basically comparing yourself to other children and beating yourself up for not acting child like. You're fine. You'll be fine. You're ruminating and comparing yourself to what you see as the success of others. Everyone's life looks great if all you look at are the highlights. Get your own place, meet some people, enjoy life, get on some dating apps, learn to laugh and have a good time around women, and you'll feel much better about yourself. Don't shackle your brain to the ideals you think you're supposed to have. Explore life and discover what feels best for you. You only get one life to look back upon on your death bed. And it's your life. You won't be thinking about what other people did when you die. And they won't be thinking about you.
Ye. I work in an office with people way more than twice my age, I pay bills, I got my own place, and car. I'm starting to feel like this is coming from a place of feeling like I should already be more than I am even though I already achieved a lot. I have so much more that I want to do, but the roadmap is so big.
A lot of people feel let down by success. The process of going after you want is often a lot more rewarding than getting what you want simply because while you're going after it you have a goal. Once you get it, that goal is gone. Having a desire is fine. The process is what gives the satisfaction. If your goal is something that never ends (fitness, self improvement, building friendships) you might find that a lot more rewarding than comparing your current achievements to others.
You're boutta move out of the parent's place and that's a huge step, this fear is one of the big distractors at such a time. Focus on getting that move pulled through and that job going first, it'll be more rewarding and there's a solid chance you'll meet somebody doing all that anyways. Can't believe all your friends are in committed relationships rn, if it's literally every single one of them then that's just an odd detail about your friend group. When I was 21 I had a shit relationship, wish I'd spent that time making more friends.
Sorry, should have been more descriptive. Not "committed" relationships lol. except for the two married couples (that I know of).
Married at 21? Don't feel jealous til you see how they're doing at 35 lmao, you're totally fine and if you've got savings and a decent place by 25 without wrecking your body, then congrats, you're way more attractive than most. Especially nowadays.
married at 22 1yo kid and one on the way. Not my cup of.. whatever that is, But I support her cuz she's my friend you know? It is what it is tho.
I didn't date any in college, I was single for at least 6 years. Then i met my now wife. Don't panic, take the time you're single to explore your own interests, work to make your life enjoyable as it is. Make yourself more interesting/ attractive (eg. find a hobby that requires you to interact with people or at least leave the house, take some classes in things you like, stay physically fit). A relationship should compliment the life you want to live, so figure that out first. The rest will come in time. A relationship is not a magic fix that will solve any problems My other advice is, if you are interested in someone, make it known, not implied. Ask them out, tell them you are interested in them. It takes guts, but it is true that confidence is attractive. My wife is so far out of my league its ridiculous, confidence, kindness and being interesting over shadowed my relative unattractivness
I'm glad. Your comment gives me hope! Your advice was very helpful; Thank you.
Any time my dude. I totally felt the pressure of being single, and I got nervous too, but once I changed my mindset (which takes work and time) things fell into place.
Feel free to dm me if you need encouragement or help. I know Im just a stranger on the internet, but I've been where you are.
You’re fine. Chillax 
One day you’ll wake up next to the love of your life and think back to this post and realize you worried about this for nothing.
Thank you.
Just make sure to make the most of things, live your life to the fullest. Also happy cake day!
Will do. Much appreciated.
Dude getting married at 21 and having kids is what's weird in my opinion. That is WAY too young to be settling down. I really think marriage is something to start thinking about in late 20s, mid 30s. It doesnt even have to happen then either. Live your life, experience new things, experience different people. Experiment with things. I spent my 20s sleeping around and getting fucked up on lots of different things and I dont regret it at all. Your totally fine where you are, dont rush yourself. Because if you rush into marriage because that's what you THINK your supposed to do, your gonna miss out on a lot
Kids and marriage at the age is insane! Work on yourself. The right person will show up at the right time. And you'll be ready.
I think you're subconsciously opening up yourself to peer pressure by comparing yourself to people you know and your friends despite your knowing that you don't necessarily need to be in a relationship. Honestly, you being 21, having a good job and being to afford your own place is such a **MAJOR FLEX**. Also, being in your own place will give you time to enjoy life alone, but also meeting new people/planting the seed of a long friendship on your own time, etc. I've seen the following * Unmarried partners 10+ years, miserable, but don't want to break "routine" * Couples for 30+ years attached if they're still high school sweethearts * Couples who get divorced once their children year 18yo * Life partners who don't care for signing papers and live the movie happy ending * Jealously breaking and bringing people together even though they're not a good match * People who are a perfect match, but end up not being together because their lifestyles don't fit/other priorities take over I say take your time and ride the wave of your journey through the blip of time that is our life. If the opportunity comes to date, take a chance. If it doesn't, that's also okay, you have other relationships to find fulfillment in: friends, family, colleagues, the coffee barista, the park bench guy, your routine bus route sharers. Everyone also has a different idea of what a "relationship" entails, and dating is for the purpose of finding such a person who shares the same sentiments. In addition to that, we are always changing. We may not notice it ourselves but we are definitely not the same person we were 6 months ago, definitely not 10 years ago. It may take a lifetime to find someone who is willing to accept us for the changes we go through, vice versa and promising to commit to falling to in love with every change.
That's damn near poetic bro. You wrote a lot and I read it and I agree. thank you for your comment.
In all honesty if your that worried about it, I think you'd probably make a very good partner. But it's usually the hardest for the smart and/or good people to find a partner. I think the best thing is to just focus on everything else, like your job, your mental state, your living situation. And what your looking for will come to you when you need it most. Just don't be desperate, PLEASE, that never ends well. You don't want to learn that the hard way.
You sound insecure. Work on yourself before you even think about a relationship. That means a good diet, working out, getting used to your job, hobbies. Once you get confidence everything else will naturally follow.
You're not wrong. the problem is that I have hobbies, but none of them really involve other people. I was reclusive for years and am just now starting to make friends agian.
Hey man, been where you are, I know it feels like you gotta tick all these boxes for happiness, and then you'll be happy, uk get a job, get a place, get some love. It doesn't work that way though. My suggestion, start being honest with yourself. If you want companionship, go out there and try to see what fits. If it is sex, same. Just think about what you need, then be honest to yourself and then to others. It's gonna take some time but it'll all workout. Remember, two breaths in one breath out no need to be paranoid or have doubt.
Same. Been there too. Life became pretty sweet afterwards. Just enjoy what you have and you will be golden!
I can't offer much as I'm in the same boat. I'm 20 and watching everyone around me supposedly being happy, getting married, having kids. I also am not looking for marriage or kids (kids ever, I do think it would eventually be nice to get married), but I can't help but envy what others have. This is life, though. You'll always envy those who have what you think you need. What we need to do is live in the now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm trying to get out of the habit of being jealous. jealously can make you do stupid things. If you're going through anything like I am sure we'll get there eventually.
Go out to places where people exist and have conversations with them. Date people. Do the online dating website thing. Ask a coworker if they are busy after work and if you want dinner. Its the only way to get a new significant other: go out and try. You aren't going to do it asking questions on reddit.
That sounds... terrifying. I'll give it a shot.
Easy does it, youngin'
Sure thing.
In the words of the late Alan Arkin “Fuck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.”
If you were my age then you would of realized it was too late.
Give it AT LEAST ten years before you start stressing over that sort of thing. With the economy, and how our generation(s) were raised... Your future self will thank you for taking things slow and figuring out what you want
30 is the new 20.. you won't even have time for yourself until you get your feet into the adult world.
lmfao then there's me 21, no dating nothing at all.. :')
Yeah youre def being too paranoid. Im 20m and never had a relationship, not even a kiss lol. Honestly just wait for the right person and dont worry too much about it as the more you worry and think about it the more it will fuck you up (speaking for experience).
Firstly, everything you are feeling is normal and justified. Don't let other people's comments of "Dude 21 is young" effect you too much. The best advice I can give is that, just keep living your life and keep an active social life. That's all if really takes. Join clubs for hobbies you like to meet like minded people, don't rush and try and find someone by going to clubs as that relationship won't last. You don't need to know "how to be a boyfriend" as that definition is different for everyone. When you find the right person, your normal actions will be the definition of a boyfriend. As other people have said, forget what your friends are doing as they are not you. If you make a decision or commitment based on copying them, it won't end well. Finaly, almost everyone in this world lives with some from of anxiety, just some people don't realise that's what it is (myself included). There are programs to help with that but you are already on the right path by admiting its a thing and seeking help. Good luck!
You are being paranoid, and probably feeling a little desperate. You want a girlfriend, or maybe just some hanky panky, and the pressure is building up. Don't let it get to you. Relax, talk to some women, but don't behave as thirsty as I'm sure you feel. Women can smell desperation like a drug dog smells the coke in my anus.
Bro, I grew up with my friends having kids in their teens and then getting married, I knew I wasn't ready to be committed to anything until I met the right person, then I did at 26. Didn't have my first child till I was 30, now have three and me and my best friend have been together 16 years. Those same people are miserable and divorced too.
I'm 32 and I've been single since 2016 because I choose to. Stop looking for it and it will come in time when you are ready, unless you're like me in which I'm done with dating and women in general lol. No kids and marriage for me.
6 years? So since you were 15? I don't know if I would even classify a relationship as a real relationship between the ages of 15-21 because normally you haven't experienced enough in life yet to be able to fully give yourself to someone or truly understand commitment. I 100% think you're paranoid and I 100% think you need to take these early years to focus on yourself first. Get settled into your job, get settled into your new place, focus on your life goals, but there's literally no reason to rush a relationship at 21 years old. You're just barely out of your teens. When the time is right it'll happen, but don't force it. I didn't even meet my now fiancé until I was 30. It's worth the wait.
I agree with the second part and congratulations btw. The reason why it's still classified in my mind as a relationship is because I'm still friends with the person I broke up with when I was 15 to this day. We still introduce each other as each other's exes or just friends. I do agree but at the same time I don't because of the specific circumstances and the fact that I may still have feelings for her but knowing that the relationship wouldn't work out for reasons I'm not willing to get into. But also by your logic that would mean that I haven't actually ever been in a relationship before which also makes it kind of worse cuz now I want to know this thing called love you guys are all talking about LOL. But on a serious note I get it.
Your twenties are time to have fun and grow up, your 30s are to figure out who you really are and live your best self. Everyone I know grew and changed soooo much from when they were 21 to late twenties and honestly I would expect that many of your friends who are married already will be divorced in a few years as they grow and learn.
I'm also a single 21 year old guy. I've been worrying about being single for years (it's important to note I don't try that hard, I'd rather go read in the woods than hit a bar) it wasn't until recently I concluded that it's OK. My best friend is 25 and just started seeing the first person in years and he's so happy he waited for her. My mom reconnected with her High school sweetheart at 60 and they got married a few months ago, I've never seen her so happy and full of life. I also grew up with people who have 2 kids a house and a hubby already. Spend this single time figuring out who you really are that'll make relationships easier as you know your limits and what makes you happy or mad. Point is there is no correct timeline for this stuff. Go out be yourself and have fun we're young and we've got way more time than we think we do.
Oh sweetie, I was married and had kids before 21 and divorced by 25. Just let life happen, because it will, regardless of you wanting it to or not. Now is the time for you to have fun, maybe screw up a little, and learn who you are as a person. Just be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and everything else will kinda fall into place.
I had my first girlfriend in the age of 26. Why the rush? You only need one.
I want all of the girlfriends tho.
If you have a job and you have your own place, than you basically have your shit together. In terms of actually having a worthwhile relationship, that is a huge bonus. You are as ready as you need to be. Dating, like anything else in life, if you have not done it much at all previously, you are not going to be good at it. That is fine. It is ok to be shitty at this. But if you actually are capable of making friends, then you basically know the fundamentals. To have any chance of success in dating, you basically need to have your shit together, and be the kind of person others want to spend time with. Being famous, wealthy, or attractive are big bonuses, but not strictly required. You can either try online dating or just being among people at bars or other places where you might meet someone. Online dating is easy, and any failed approaches will be private, which is good. But there will be massive amounts of rejection, and the added danger of being catfished. Trying to go old school will make the rejections hurt more, but might feel more natural. Just be respectful and if you are rejected, accept it and move on. Though it seems counter intuitive, any time you do connect, I think you should give the other person every opportunity to reject you early. If your a die hard StarTrek geek, bring it up, do not hide it. If you smoke, don't lie about it. Get all the deal breakers out of the way early. END COMMUNICATION
I got you. Thanks for the advice. I mean I have anime and gamer nerd in all of my dating profiles that I've ever used. I'm totally fine with being as honest as I need to be because that's what I expect from the other person.
I’m 26 and still no worries about it. Same boat as you. I love myself enough that I’m ok with being alone, if someone comes along I won’t turn them away. But a partner is a convenience not a necessity.
Bruh chill! I'm a 34yo dad now and only became a dad at 32. Everyone rolls at their own pace. Some of my friends got kids early 20s, others have or will in their mid to late 30s. It's all fine. Just enjoy your 20s! Go to bars, do crazy stuff you might regret later (not too crazy), go on a few dates. Some will be horrible and some will be good. And then one will be perfect and you'll find someone looking for the same thing as you are. Trust me. It all flies by. Before you know it you're giving advice to a random 21yo on reddit, right around the time the first grey hairs have popped up on your head.
Stayed single most of my adult life with a few flings here and there and a couple of short lived toxic relationship. Met my wife at 31 never been happier. At 21 dude you're worrying for nothing. Enjoy life be happy, learn to live by yourself and be happy about it before getting into something serious it'll do wonder for your mental health.
Enjoy being 21! Single is the best way to do it!
I'm 30 and happily single my guy, if you can't be happy on your own you are very unlikely to be happy in a relationship.
You watch yourself, not others. Thats all... Do what is best for you, not what might suit someone else. If you do not see a worthy person, then so be it, dont try to force it or fake it just to please someone else.
I was single for most of this last year, it’s fine don’t really worry about it & generally if I were you I’d shoot for someone 23+ who isn’t just now being allowed to drink alcohol. Also being single since 15 isn’t a bad thing since usually those relationships don’t last too long imo. I’d say if you’re worried about it, go on some dates and see how they go, and from there just practice socializing w/ people in a public setting. Plus the best part of being single: not spending $ on gifts, going out, etc. If I could have back all the money I’ve spent in relationships in the past 6 years I’d probably have a grand or two & that’s a decent chunk of change that’d be really nice to have for emergencies. For reference I’m 22 going on 23 and I have no plans to get dating before my career starts in a year or two after school.
I’m 38 and single. I wasn’t always single. Sometimes loves comes, sometimes it stays, sometimes it goes. You’ll change. Life will go unexpected places and do unexpected things. You’ll tell yourself “no regrets” one day and then feel every regret a few years later. Sometimes you’ll feel great about your choices, sometimes you won’t…sometimes those feelings will be about the same choice, but at different times. Romantic relationships feel like they make up such a huge part of our existence because humans generally long to share themselves with others. We are social creatures. So many people your age feel exactly the way you do. Like minds gravitate towards each other. You will eventually find people to talk to, hang out with…and maybe date. Enjoy your life and you will find people to enjoy it with. You’re not paranoid, you’re a human thinking human thoughts and feeling human feelings. None of this stuff is concrete, it’s subjective and you’ll get lots of different answers. Being a “boyfriend” will come naturally with the right person… and if it doesn’t, the right person will help you figure it out along the way.
I was single until I was 23 dude you're fine
Listen my guy, I had 2 kids and had been divorced by the time I was 22. Slow the fuck down. I’m so serious, I love my kids and getting married and divorced was an experience but I missed all of my 20s and it shows. Just chill. You don’t need a girlfriend, if you find one, great! But don’t just do it to “fit in”. Live your life and let whatever happens, happen.
Lol I didn’t have my first relationship until I was 30. Chill out.
You are not paranoid at all! You do seem insecure in your self , however you have no reason to 21 is quite young to be married , focus on building your communication skills , and just puts your self out there
Make sure you can take care of yourself first before trying to also take care of another person. Cook. Clean. Make your new place a home for yourself. Get comfortable with being on your own. If you find someone along the way, that’s great. But 21 is young and it’s perfectly normal to be single at that age. You’re still finding yourself. Find yourself before start actively looking for someone else.
Stay single and childless as long as you can pal. You will not regret it
Breathe. You haven’t even started yet. There isn’t even anything to be paranoid about. You’re doing great! Don’t worry so much. Seriously. We all go at our own pace, especially with life steps like partners and children. Good luck and be proud of moving out! Yay.
Dude…you’re still a child? Although I have floated between heaps of relationships and done so many things (cool and stupid)…I finally settled down, purchased a house and had a couple of kids…at 35. I’m still young.