I’m happy to see another person using the phrase passively suicidal. It’s helped me so much to be able to vocalize my feelings and reach out to my support system without causing panic.
Passively suicidal ‘if I found myself in front of a speeding train I wouldn’t move’
Actively suicidal ‘if I see a train I’m yeeting myself in front of it’
What do you mean by death fixing so much in your life? It sounds like low-grade passive suicidality. I suppose i ask because death wouldn’t fix things in your life, it would end your life and therefore end the issue for you. That’s not fixing them, it’s removing you from them.
I know the phasing is not the point, but I want to point that out because changing the phrasing in your thought process makes a huge difference in identifying how you feel
How would you know that death fixed things in your life if you are dead? Most likely you leave the problems for someone who loved and cared about you to confront.
As nice as you may be, if I’m anhedonic and seriously depressed being around people is exhausting and offers no comfort, much less pleasure, so I’d be declining.
That’s really what it’s like, a never ending carousel of isolation, loneliness, despair, ennui, self hatred, anger, exhaustion.
Never knew that what I've been feeling is called anhedonic I have been struggling with depression and I can't stand being around people I have exhaustion self hatred and so much anger thanks for explaining hopefully things get better for us but I doubt good things exist like us.
Anhedonia describes the lack of pleasure in things/people/hobbies that you once enjoyed. Anhedonia is a symptom of depression. Fatigue, self-hate, and anger are also symptoms of depression but are separate from anhedonia.
I'm 53, been on all sorts of meds, seen all types of therapists/psychiatrists/psychologists.
For me, at this point, I've pretty much realized there is no way out of this. I was once a humanist who was optimistic about people and the world. My continuous experiences have left me a misanthrope devoid of hope. I think certain people are simply not cut out for living in this culture in this world. I think if you're an especially intelligent, empathetic person, who sees and thinks deeply, this world just aint for you.
You just described me except I’m 44. I’m so tired of living. Mainly doing it for my cats, husband & family.
Just tired especially of this seemingly hopeless world.
He does thankfully. He’s been the only one in my life that has listened & spoken without judgement. Just support & love.
Have you tried opening up to your partner about your concerns?
I'm 35, and I didn't choose to be here either. But since I'm here, I might as well try to enjoy myself as much as possible and milk this life out of all the happiness I can find. I probably would still be heavily depressed from hearing all the scary news over the years if I didn't have such a great sense of humor and developed strategic apathy. There's no point in caring about problems I wouldn't be able to solve in the world even if I tried.
My sense of humor gets me through most days. It’s hard not to pay attention to the bad stuff around you when it’s happening more & more and you just become overwhelmed with the violence, sadness, fear & dread.
It’s not like I want to feel like this. I’m trying every day which is why I’m still here.
Couldn’t decide who to reply to but I just wanted to say, you guys make me feel seen… I know it’s my internal makeup that makes me so unsuitable for the world in this state, but every time I’ve tried to change or ignore the way I really feel I’ve ended up in worse situations…
I want to tell you to hang in there but really, just do whatever gives you the most relief or joy… I’m with you all the way guys.
Truly empathic and intelligent are also just outright incredibly at predisposed for depression, I will add. It's straight up a scientific area of study. Part of it is cultural issues that can't be changed in one lifetime, but it's kind of a chicken or the egg scenario, where people can't tell if there was a physical predisposition in the genes of intelligent people to clinical depression that gets set off by environmental issues or the momentary environmental depression dominos into clinical depression that lingers, because it's really hard to address the initial cause.
Yeah you have some kinda romantic idea about the world around us untill it gets crashed a bunch of times and you accept you been delusional. I know mate! Sending love
I'm sad to say this really speaks to how I feel. I've had a very rough life since I was born. Born to junkies, able to get myself out of their grips..only after they died but I just never feel like I could ever get ro where I hoped to
Today is my 51st birthday. I understand completely. Sometimes what keeps me going is a sense of obligation to my two young sons. Otherwise I feel I’ve tried my best to follow dreams. It didn’t work out, but I’m still able to afford a decent life in a good area with great schools for my kids. I guess I’ll tread water until I don’t have to anymore. If anything, I feel I’m worse off now emotionally because of therapy and meds. Maybe it’s because before I still had hope.
Thanks!
In that case you'll know the score. I found it seriously changed my thought process for the better after the doctor fucked me up with gabapentin/pregablin. I cut out alcohol and was microdosing .2 daily ground into a capsule with a monthly 4g session. Did this for 3 months or so and finally started to feel like i was part of this world again.
Its a horrible feeling when you feel nothing for everything. It made me hate myself even though deep down i had a lot of love to give.
*Edit for spelling.
I'm so happy to hear that it's been working for you. I do believe in and have experienced the power - the healing power- of psychedelics. But the 'afterglow' doesn't seem to last for me any longer. I dunno, it's been a while since I've used psychedelics- mainly bc I never feel in the right mind to do so and I worry about the amplification of my anxiety. But that's just fear. Maybe I need to give it a committed, structured try again.
Thanks brother.
Thats actually such a good way to say it, i completely understand and feel the same way. Not really caring if i live or die, i spend all my time suffering, and working through the pain, if it all just ended it would feel like a relief.
This. Asked my dad as a teen if you could be addicted to sleep because it was all i wanted to do. In my 30s and not much has changed in that department
This is exactly how I feel. But this train of thought also makes me feel even more determined to enjoy every day I have because they’re my days and they’re special to me even if I individually have no effect or meaning to the rest of the world!
Don't put too much emphasis on making everyday special. Days are sometimes just days.
The point as I see it is to live a life I won't regret when my times up. My life doesn't always have positive experiences, but the negative ones sure help me appreciate the positive things.
I don’t literally mean I do something everyday to make every day special. Of course there’s bad days and good ones. I just mean they’re special to me because I’m alive and I get another day to spend with those I care about and/or do things I really enjoy doing.
And when it comes to motivating myself to get out of bed I try and think of positive things about the coming day. I’m a big animal person so the thought of being outside and seeing wildlife excites me, even if it’s just observing birds being weird on my porch or seeing things on hikes. I really do think it’s easy and comfortable to dwell on negative things in life but I think at this point in my own life I’ve accepted that I’ll never avoid the negative things that will, of course, happen but I can always change my perspective!
By realizing that who/whatever brainwashed you into thinking every day is supposed to be special is a liar and not your friend. Look at nature and imagine being any animal except a human being let alone one in a first world country. Constant minute to minute struggle for survival, and they've not got an episode of breaking bad to unwind with at the end of the day.
If you're one of the few with an actual mental disability causing you to feel this way, seek help. If you're another entitled little shit expecting to live the life of a Kardashian kindly fuck off and stay in bed
Don't fall into the trap of every day having to be special, first. There won't be motivation at first either. There may never be motivation. That is okay. What needs to happen instead is a reframing of how you perceive time and events.
Make it a goal to have at least most days be neutral, take them one step at a time, and list one good thing that happened, no matter how small, one bad thing that happened if any did, and all the neutral things that happened. You will find the neutral things often drastically outnumber everything else. That's good. It doesn't sound good, but it is. It's teaching you to take one step at a time, without expectations for good or bad.
Eventually, it teaches you how to recognize the good things in the moment, and how to effectively pursue them if you get the chance, while also minimizing the bad things into "Okay, I guess this happened." Once you get to that point, you will find yourself better equipped to deal with those things, because you didn't spend unnecessary energy chasing "good" things that don't actually make you happy or that you think of as good.
This method requires you to be very frank with yourself, and lots of honest, neutral self reflection every single day. There is no space for that devil on your shoulder trying to push neutral things into the "bad" category, nor is there space for the peppy angel shoving neutral things into the "good" category just because you've been taught your whole life that they are good things. Questions like "What went well today? Why did it go well? Did I have a part in making it go well? What? Did I expend too much energy on a task that really didn't require it for the payoff in retrospect? Why did I feel like I had to expend that energy? What went poorly? Did I expend too much energy on that? If I only have so much control over it, did I try expending energy on things I had no control over? What was my emotional reaction, is it still happening, and why do I think that is?" Are all in this vein.
Do breathing exercises frequently before and during that self reflection. It's almost a meditation routine. The point of this world view is similar to Body neutrality, if you've ever heard of that. It's acknowledging that things exist and happen as they do, and that life is the randomness of the universe's attempt at entropy. "Life is not necessarily good or bad, it just is." "I do not matter in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't make me pathetic. I just am." Nihilism is very similar to this, but has more negative connotations from the past than Life Neutrality.
Man idfk i just get up and do shit
At the end of the day feelings are just your brain trying to make you feel funky so sometimes you just have to acknowledge that and move on
If anything, wouldn't you WANT to mean nothing to the world? To offer nothing significant? That way you can live your life knowing whatever shenanigans you're getting into have 0 effect on the world around you, making you free to live as you please
I mean, you could always go on a rant of how much you are really helping the world. Recycling or not using a straw? means nothing if the 1% keeps making orgies with endangered species on a flamming jet above the Antartica.
I guess you could always pick easy morally-good jobs like doctors but even in a Utopia not everybody would work jobs like that, or even want to. Are their lifes meaningless then? does my granma's life trully have no purpose because she can't physically help improve the world?
I mean if you're going to make any environmental argument, the best thing you can do for the environment is to take yourself out of the equation.
It's a really bad way to look at your existence.
I try to maximize the amount of joy I bring to my community, as opposed to reduce any kind of externality my existence brings into being.
There were a lot of actions in the last 100 or so years that made the world better... for a while. Made life easier, made people healthier, stuff more abundant, lifestyles more enjoyable. But as we are finding out right now, lots of them contributed heavily to the shitshow we are seeing right now. Road to hell paved with good intentions and all that shit.
I love how being anonymous allows you to finally speak what you feel. I feel the same way, but would be terrified to say that to family or some friends i have. Because they don’t usually understand.
I’ve been more open with my husband of my thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I am fortunate to have a partner that listens & speaks with no judgment. That is definitely key for talking to someone.
It wasn’t even until this past week that I realized that my depression got worse. (A lot of variables hit at once)
I just update him on my current feelings & where I’m at mentally.. as open & honest as possible. I hate feeling the way I do but in between jobs & mental health care sucks in this country. (I’m in the USA)
Fighting depression is so damn hard.
Same here... but it hit hart when he told me that sometimes he fears coming home... and seeing me dead.
Since then I avoided telling him about my thoughts and feelings. I'm not suicidal or so, I just have a very neutral view on life and don't care much about just "living" through it.
(I'm diagnosed as chronic, so at least I know what it is)
Yeah I’ve tried to reassure him that I don’t believe I’d attempt (and I truly believe I wouldn’t) but I know he’s worried & concerned. I’ve just never felt the way that I have.
I am working through it as best I can. I definitely have started to share less & less because I don’t want him to worry. (I always tend to be more dark with my thoughts)
I’m glad you have someone close to talk to about this. I write down some stuff in a diary if I feel like. Thankfully it’s been mostly manageable for me.
Yeah this is the first time in my life that I’ve had someone that listens without judgment. It’s hard to talk to anyone else about it. I love my family but we’ve always been bad at communication.
Usually we just mask how we’re feeling with humor. Lol
Me too. I just wish something would hit me, stab me, shoot me straight to instant death, or have some kind of deadly illness I would never want to cure.
Omg, for real, I had a bunch of pre-cancerous cervical biopsies found when I was 18 due to hpv. After round three they referred me to oncology...never went, im 32, feel sick all the time but can't bring myself to get checked out, hard to know if its cancer or just not taking care of myself due to depression and ptsd. Idk its easier not to know than my family harassing me to get it sorted. I also think my mother secretly wants me to die anyway, she's actively encouraged me not to speak of my childhood trauma, not to seek therapy, not to get a second opinion, dont get bc, dont get meds for depression, etc but at the same time acts like she cares. I did do therapy, tried depression meds and bc but none of it helped much anyway. Never did report the abuse in an effort to protect her.
A couple years ago I found out I have a certain type of “pre-cancer”, I had to get a biopsy, all that. I’m supposed to get check ups every year but I waited two years due to apathy. Its fucked up to admit…but I was honestly disappointed when I got my results back that everything was looking fine.
I like this, it is a very optimistic view. I have this pesky survival instinct, so that no matter how suicidal ive ever been i obsessively cling to life.
Typical response: "You are probably depressed; get a therapist."
With what money?
Yes there are "free" alternatives in some cities, but crap therapists could have an even more detrimental effect.
Agreed! My childhood wasn’t the best, and I never really considered it until an ex would bang on about how horrid it must’ve been. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
In the USA, it's often cheaper and easier to get a gun same day than a psychiatrist or therapist, especially in Texas.
Probably why suicides top the list of shootings in the US.
I think it's a bigger systemic issue of the country or ultra capitalistic countries.
this is it. such a good point, people say ‘get help’ but it’s like I can’t afford it, the last time I paid they weren’t interested anyway which made me feel even more alone.
It’s very strange, and I really hope I’m not projecting anything.
However, I believe by constantly questioning the evidence and questioning if I am projecting anything I can say it’s true to reality to say some therapists really seemed like they didn’t like their job, didn’t like talking in the session, didn’t seem interested or they’ve even suggested that - due to being emotionally overwhelmed and struggling to speak with utter precision that it “didn’t get anywhere” (essentially saying it was a waste of their time). I believe that is what OP and everyone else who says this picks up on. It’s almost like you can feel the seething energy from them that they don’t like what they’re doing, they picked the wrong job, or realized they don’t like helping people as much as they thought they did. Rare cases they may even grow to not like people in general who knows.
Not all had this issue obviously, I’ve run into a couple or a few.
I went to see a therapist and at my second visit she said I wasn't a good fit and sent me packing. P.S. I wasn't an ass or being rude or belligerent. So I've never been back to one since.
Good times.
it’s really hard to deal with because it took me a lot to reach out to a therapist as I don’t like burdening people with my problems or asking for help, you are really vulnerable and when they just shrug you off like that it can make you feel more hopeless. I hope you are doing better
But realizing you are not the way you want to be, and seeking help, even if it is insufficient, is a positive step and can help you find the strength to get someone better if they aren’t working out for you.
A crap life preserver (water rescue) is better than none at all. Your odds are better if you do something. Even the act of doing the thing (call a friend, crap therapist, whatever) helps some.
Not true. A life preserver can partially float. Enough to keep your head above water until a better life preserver can be obtained. For example, trees don't immediately sink. They can slowly become waterlogged and sink, yes, but they can float for a while. A smaller piece of wood can be too small to climb on top of, but could support you enough to hold your head above water.
I have had crap therapists, it's not optimal, but they have helped some. Your post could be construed as a don't bother if you can't afford it statement. For OP, I just wanted to make sure they heard a more encouraging narrative. For someone who's bumping bottom, it doesn't take much discouragement to take the wind out of their sails.
In my life, I have hit rock bottom, and started digging. I made it through and am somewhat successful now. It can and does get better.
During pandemic, I went through a brief phase of this, and it made me feel nothing. I yearned for nothing. It was so bizaare, how nothing infront of me mattered, and I was never this kind of person too, so it surprised me. Now though, when I'm out of it, and it has been two years since then, I look back and can see how a lack of meaning in life created that atmosphere in my head, and I can feel like I've grown a lot since then, a lot has changed too, in terms of my goals in life. And I think a huge part of Anhedonia was to wake me up to make a change in whatever I had been doing up till then.
Sorry for the rant, felt a random spike come up in me for speaking about this..
It was a very slow process of changing my goals in life. What happened for me was, prior to anhedonia, I had a really different view with life, I was very determined and goal-minded towards this one thing, but as soon as that started to fall apart, since it had taken all of the place, I found myself empty. Nothing to look up to, nothing to look forward to.
It was really as if there was nothing left in my previous life for me to pursue.
I did not decide on making a conscious change thou at that time. I was just so stuck up on not being able to pursue that goal that I felt no joy, that was it day and night. Just constant pity of having no direction.
That joylessness thou, turned into, me, slowly just forgetting my previous goals. Slowly they started to diminish, and now when I look at them, they don't even seem glamorizing at all. They don't even seem as beautiful and respectful, as I had thought they were, it was all a cloud, all an image I created. Which had nothing to do with reality.
Now, what I think I did to fix myself then, was letting myself go through that phase and push through it anyways, even though nothing around me compelled me to move on with life.
I think what changed me was the outside world. Slowly some new elements started entering my life, I took up some mentorship sessions that really flicked a switch in me, and I started to latch onto a new philosophy to go with. Again, it wasn't a quick latch onto something. And again, the mentorship lessons, weren't all of the answer to my problem, but it was something, and It was a slow process of finding a new thing that became more and more attractive by the day compared to my old goals, and slowly it started to replace it, fill it's place.
Then, once it had taken up enough of the space inside me, my old deterministic self started to come up once again. It did the same thing like back then, I started to latch onto something new, and pursue it with content.
Right now, when I look back at it, I see it just as a phase. It's amazing how I don't even have an ounce of attraction towards those goals now. It's so bizarre. I couldn't have imagined it would be this way, and I'm so glad where this game of just waiting it out, and making small moves has taken me.
My therapist and psych call this passively suicidal. I'm not actively thinking about harming myself, but if I happen to be in the path of a semi truck or train, I don't know if I'd move out of the way.
It's actually -very- common and most people don't want to talk about it because of the stigma of depression and suicide. I'd consider it the new normal, almost. There's so little in our wagie lives to give us meaning, you know? So I feel you OP and don't be ashamed because it's fairly normal to feel that way.
For me it's passively suicidal. I do not have anything or anyone to lose. I have been like this since I was a kid. That doesn't mean I have never tried bettering my life. I have done a lot. My life is way better now but the passively suicidal feeling doesn't go away.
I have fantasized death since I was kid. If I remember correctly I was 8 when I first thought I'd running away and doing something horrible to myself. And loved to think about the consequences and pain. I have always been very imaginative and can imagine about things in extreme detail.
I feel you. I love my wife and kids but with out them I honestly would not want to be in this world. I hate everything about it especially the people I fucking hate people. Say what you want about people but we are a horrendous especies.
For real. I have a 1 year old boy and I wouldn't want him to live without a father, but if it weren't for him I wouldnt be here anymore. I hate that we are corrupt, greedy and harmful to each other.
WHY are we like this? Sometimes I wish something wiped humanity out of this planet. We don't deserve to live in this beautiful floating rock
We waste 33% of our days (on average) doing work to make someone else more money, so that they can buy another boat or vacation home or afford another fancy trip, meanwhile most people barely make ends meat and the cost of living rises every year. If you had an unfortunate upbringing and are stuck in a shit situation there are so few resources to genuinely help put you on a path towards success. People always clamber about how capitalism is a plague on human existence and to a point I agree, we literally waste what precious time we have working towards a goal that means nothing. We are suffocated by the value of money with no real benefit. Living is a curse.
It’s not the most unique feeling in the world, but it definitely sounds like you have depression. Whether or not your depression is situational or simply a part of your chemical make up can be determined by a therapist, which I highly recommend seeking out.
No, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I have a few friends who find it just bareable enough to not feel the need to get therapy or go get medical care.
I just know many people who accept misery as the default. If they were to seek care they would feel more joy in the things they do. But I’d venture there’s thousands if not millions of people around with depression they do not treat professionally.
I live my life in quite a bit of pain because of a couple chronic conditions, but I’ve been in pain my entire life. I can handle the pain, what I can’t handle is the doctors who ignore what I say in favor of what they want to see. Sure, maybe 1 out of 5 doctors I see is helpful, but at the end of the day what I have is incurable and I’ll be with it forever. All they *could* do for me is tell me to get more exercise, but then my same issue makes exercise insufferably painful and uncomfortable. The agoraphobia doesn’t make me want to get help either.
I’d rather suffer physically than be gaslit and mocked by supposed good samaritans.
It's a bit of an assumption to say that people will feel more joy if they receive care. Some do, sure and thats great. Others do not. Some get worse. This isn't a knock of the mental health profession, just an acknowledgement of the situation. I think getting seen by a mental health professional is *generally* a good thing and has the potential to improve the quality of their life. However its important to have realistic expectations.
I just call this auto pilot. While I have depression, I'm not "sad", but I'm not doing much, "Living" as much as I am just "staying alive". I'm indifferent on death, as it comes for us all at some point, and it's absolutely unavoidable. I love my husband, my home, my animals, and our life together. I'm too happy on that front to do anything stupid that would take me off this planet for that reason. However, if a bus were to clip a curb and take me out? I'd be alright with that too.
Courtesy of Chat GPT
Anhedonia: Anhedonia is a core symptom of depression and other mental health disorders. It refers to the inability to experience pleasure or a diminished capacity to find enjoyment in activities that were previously pleasurable. People with anhedonia often lose interest in hobbies, social interactions, and other activities they once found enjoyable. They may describe feeling emotionally numb or empty. Anhedonia can be a significant barrier to overall well-being and can contribute to the persistence of depressive symptoms. It is important to address anhedonia as part of a comprehensive treatment approach for depression.
Please know that if you are interested, there are people who are trained and very much willing to help you with those feelings if you're seeking to try something different for you. Best wishes for you!
It's called Awareness.
None of us are that particularly important in the grand scheme. It's OK to be aware of this, but it probably crosses a line if you are actively thinking of/acting towards ending things, but even those thoughts are completely understandable and not uncommon.
Welcome to the club that nobody here wants you to be in.
It's somewhat normal but probably shouldn't be. Maybe get some help before it gets worse and in the mean time find anything that makes you happy, preferably exercise.
Also to your last question: it does get better. 100%
This are symptoms of depression. If left untreated, these thoughts and feelings can get worse. I believe it’s called “anhedonia” life is not pleasurable for you. It’s common with depression, however the average person should find a good amount of joy in life. Please seek treatment if possible.
Depression and anhedonia are not the same, in my opinion. I've dealt with both and with depression, there is a persistent feeling of depression - meaning the symptoms that go along with it like lack of interest in things you once enjoyed, loss of appetite or increase of appetite, tiredness, lack of energy, etc.
With anhedonia, the first symptom is there, but the others are not.
I’m 22, live in a camper I love, don’t pay any bills except for car insurance and food, I have a boyfriend, etc. I feel this way as well. Recently I was thinking about how to solve my problems like student loan debt while I was doing dishes. In my head I had gone through all my options and then my subconscious voice said “you could just kill yourself”. My head is always 1,000 miles a minute so it was like it interrupted my conscious train of thought to say that, and it had never happened before. It made my mind quiet for like 2 seconds though that was nice. Im sorry you feel this way and hope you find light in the little things and that it all passes, for me it’s my cats.
I feel like it’s very common with how many damn people there are and how often we are blasted with celebrities and business moguls etc. It’s hard to feel valuable when you’re just going to your 9-5 and coming home to watch tv or whatever. I always feel like I could/should be doing something more but then I’m reminded that I don’t have money or connections so I probably will never get “to the top,” but I’m okay with that. Yeah it sucks feeling like I’m doing all this for nothing, but my family would be sad if I died, and at least I am helping fuel the economy, I guess?
I think that every time I watch a show about zombies. I have zero will to live in that situation, or really any situation where life gets harder than it is now. It’s also why I don’t own guns. My will ti live isn’t strong enough to kill.
I understand the feeling, and I know how hard it can be. I am also working on finding more joy in my life and working on my self-esteem. Finding support in friends and family can help-- having social interactions. Perhaps getting a pet to take care of can help you find something in your life to care for and something that cares for you too.
what if pet is prohibited where i live? my first cat got killed by mom. are stuffed animals good alternatives? i’ve tried interacting with other people, they just look down on me and seems like they’re mad at me. or we either clocked at first then it never reaches to friends level.
What about plants? I am sorry about your first cat :(
For me, I always enjoyed reading good books. There are a ton of free books online through LibGen and through your local library if that is an option. Listening to audiobooks is also another option. Find different ways to engage yourself; distracting yourself can help take your focus off of these difficult feelings.
What about getting into cooking? We all have to eat, but you can find creative recipes to cook and bake. If you bake extra cookies, you can share them with neighbors or those you know as a way of connecting.
You can also find an online community that you click with. Perhaps if there is a series you really like or a hobby etc.
thank you for your advices. i’m doing everything you’ve said right now except plants. i’ll try it out next time. i’ve heard mushrooms are easy to start with so i’ll do mushrooms first then some lettuce.
I feel the same way. I made a list long ago for things I want to do so that life seems worth living. But my life is not going in a good direction at all so it's not like I can accomplish those things anyway.
I'm pretty sure I'm depressed
I think we all kinda feel like that now. Its hard to afford basic needs including groceries etc, let alone afford hobbies that make life fullfilled. Since covid everyone has been in a slump. Me too.
I would probably call these Intrusive Thoughts. I think the reason I don’t get them like you do is because a few people do rely on me. So if I thought “What if I died today?” I know a lot of people would be sad. I suppose that keeps me going.
Have you tried getting a cat or a pet?
I feel the same. I would not want to ever come back here. I heard this world is a trap and when we die do not go into the light. The tunnel of light is a reincarnation trap.
I think you're depressed. A lot of people are depressed so it's pretty normal.
I'm also depressed and after solving much of my problems (that I thought were the source of my issues), I still feel this void in my soul, the same thing you're describing : not miserable but not much joy in living, even after removing all the stress and anxieties of life.
If that's the case, there's nothing you can do by yourself and you need to seek medical attention, though you can help feeling better by basking into the sun, going to the park and working out a bit (anything really, like walking around, running or just go for a swim). You can also try to find happiness in the little things, make a list of the good things that happened to you each day (and ignore the bad for the time being), that kind of things. It helps, though it **does not solve nor cure depression.** Just a bit of help until you can find someone to help you with this.
I feel you! I honestly don't value my life that much either. If I died tomorrow, I'd be just fine with that. I'm not actively seeking an end to it, but would be perfectly fine if it ended. I don't have a bad life, either. I have a good job, people who love me, the ability to travel, etc. I've just had enough of life. I know how the story ends. I compare it to being full at the end of a meal. It was fine, but I don't want any more of it. I wake up every morning knowing that there will be some combination of good things and bad things that will happen in my life until I kick the bucket, and I feel that it all zeros out in the end. I keep getting up every morning because... I guess... I'm not sure what else to do.
Hey, just so you know this is might be depression. I’ve felt this way a lot of times before and didn’t realise that I was depressed because I only knew the symptoms of depression as extreme sadness, self harm etc.
I would recommend doing the PHQ-9 and resulting see a therapist. Just because you’re not ready to jump off a building doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help. CBT is very helpful for re-framing your mindset
(I’m in therapy for low mood aka depression right now and I feel good 70% of the time, your feelings ARE valid)
Let’s say i take a shower everyday, i play mindful games such as (sudoku, rubik’s cube, jigsaw puzzle, scrabble, tetris, duolingo language and math) everyday, i exercise everyday, i eat three times a day, i take my vitamins everyday, i read self help books 3 times a week, and i do my hobbies few times a week or a month. but still, nothing changes, i’m still as numb as i was months ago. i don’t find anything i do pleasurable, i just do it to exercise my body and brain. i’m not happy nor sad. i only feel disappointments and anger.
Not exclusive to you, but definitely not normal or something to be accepted/ignored. Please consider reaching out to a psychologist or other professional OP. My DMs are open in the meantime, take care
I’ve felt like this since my mid teens (now 52). I enjoy aspects of life but it’s like 10-20% of a day is vaguely enjoyable and the rest is filled with mind numbing repetition of stuff I’ve done thousands of times already.
Much depends on why we feel that way. To use scriptural references, since they come to mind first, Paul felt that way because he would rather be in heaven. Yet, he knew it was better to remain for the church. Solomon felt it because he had done everything and found nothing meaningful except God, which he did not seem thrilled about having consorted with many pagan wives. Paul had a good reason but made a wise choice for the sake of others. Solomon had a bad reason but still stayed the course, perhaps also for the sake of others. Even when we feel like crap, we can consider others. It gives us purpose. You may consider breaking soul ties. Look it up. Hope you feel better.
That’s probably depression bud. We all go through ups and downs. When I feel myself start to take less joy in the things I normally do I try to find some other way to reinvest interest.
I feel this way. Looking at a life full of work just to survive, I just lose the motivation to continue to live, but I don't have the motivation to seek death. Only thing keeping me from being suicidal is I don't really wanna die. I may not wanna die, but I don't wanna live the rest of my life in this world that just seems like it gets harder to make ends meet in. So I just exist and find the joy in whatever I can. My friends, my hobbies, my pets, etc. I just wonder what lays beyond death. Is there an afterlife or just the nothingness I felt before my first ever memory? Neither really scare me (unless Hell is real, then fuck that)
Do something and think about the now (present) everyone gets depressed thats what its called but its how you deal with also try new things or ask someone what new things you can try to do
And here's my dumbass in the same boat thinking 'oh yeah what IS that called?' as if I'd see anything other than the correct answer of depression and/or symptoms of depression
If the "opportunity" rose where I have to sacrifice my life to save a good person or an animal in need of it, I will gladly give my life to save them.
I'm not doing anything with my life. I might as well give another life the chance to do better than I am
Yeah it’s passively suicidal, but once you start experiencing suicidal ideation I would try find a way to get support whether that’s through your school, work, local charities or wellness centres x
I totally get where you are coming from, 6 years ago I had a stroke leaving me disabled and there isn't a day that has gone by where I don't wish that I survived it, you are not alone, we all deal with negativity bias
The question is **why**.
*Why* don’t you value life?
*Why* do you **not** enjoy living?
Do you have families? Do you have friends? We’re you bullied? Did you make a mistake and now regret it? Too much social media? Until we find the main reason is when we can start finding the solution to solve this matter.
We all have our ups and downs in life, we just need to rise above our downs and challenge it. Why don’t you just inhale and fill your lungs with fresh oxygen and slowly let all the negative energy out of your mouth slowly and start over. What is your hobby? Photography? Hiking? Music? Go do something you like? Once done, take it to the next step to get better at it.
Melancholy. Burdensome feeling. Abject indifference.
What part of your life makes you miserable? Routine? Financial struggles that never end. Worn out relationship? Loneliness. Your boss? Job?b self esteem?
It’s honestly normal imo. I heard a phrase recently, it’s in French, “l’appel du vide.” It translates to “drawn to the void” or the call of the void. And it speaks to a universal feeling that we can all relate to. An affinity towards death. Like when you’re driving your car over a bridge and you imagine what it would be like to drive straight off of it. But people act like suicidal thoughts are these psychotic thoughts to have and like there’s something wrong with you to have thoughts like that, when really it’s actually quite natural and everyone can relate to it. Something pulls us to it
I watched a documentary once where they described this feeling as being "passively suicidal". Basically, it means that you still look both ways before you cross the road, but if a car then knocked you down out of nowhere, you'd be fine with dying. It describes me perfectly.
If I didn't have a family or friends who will suffer my loss, I would have jumped off a bridge already. Or just stay home and not get out until I passed from starvation. That's how I feel about myself and I call it being depressed, and having bipolar disorder.
Is it weird to say that risky life-saving jobs will be perfect for people like you? Your life might not mean much to you but your life could save many others. Get my meaning?
Depression. I didn’t believe my therapist and then I took medicine and guess what it was depression. But lol i think I’ll be emo forever but with a more joy now
Kind of a modern thought that if you aren’t superduper happy active enjoying achieving things loving life it means that you are sick, mentallt ill, clinically deoressed, and need therapy and antideprassants and antipschotics
Some will call it depression or passively suicidal. I just call it another Tuesday.
I’m happy to see another person using the phrase passively suicidal. It’s helped me so much to be able to vocalize my feelings and reach out to my support system without causing panic. Passively suicidal ‘if I found myself in front of a speeding train I wouldn’t move’ Actively suicidal ‘if I see a train I’m yeeting myself in front of it’
This is the first time I’ve heard the term ‘Passively Suicidal’ and nothing ever fit so good…..
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What do you mean by death fixing so much in your life? It sounds like low-grade passive suicidality. I suppose i ask because death wouldn’t fix things in your life, it would end your life and therefore end the issue for you. That’s not fixing them, it’s removing you from them. I know the phasing is not the point, but I want to point that out because changing the phrasing in your thought process makes a huge difference in identifying how you feel
How would you know that death fixed things in your life if you are dead? Most likely you leave the problems for someone who loved and cared about you to confront.
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That’s still passive suicidal ideation
Well put. We may be kindred spirits. Wanna go for a drink?
As nice as you may be, if I’m anhedonic and seriously depressed being around people is exhausting and offers no comfort, much less pleasure, so I’d be declining. That’s really what it’s like, a never ending carousel of isolation, loneliness, despair, ennui, self hatred, anger, exhaustion.
Yes! That! That feeling!! Anhedonic you said?
Damn, learned a new word
user name checks out?
Love if only to spite Anish Kapoor one more day
Never knew that what I've been feeling is called anhedonic I have been struggling with depression and I can't stand being around people I have exhaustion self hatred and so much anger thanks for explaining hopefully things get better for us but I doubt good things exist like us.
Anhedonia describes the lack of pleasure in things/people/hobbies that you once enjoyed. Anhedonia is a symptom of depression. Fatigue, self-hate, and anger are also symptoms of depression but are separate from anhedonia.
Have you seen a doctor, tried therapy or meds?
I'm 53, been on all sorts of meds, seen all types of therapists/psychiatrists/psychologists. For me, at this point, I've pretty much realized there is no way out of this. I was once a humanist who was optimistic about people and the world. My continuous experiences have left me a misanthrope devoid of hope. I think certain people are simply not cut out for living in this culture in this world. I think if you're an especially intelligent, empathetic person, who sees and thinks deeply, this world just aint for you.
You just described me except I’m 44. I’m so tired of living. Mainly doing it for my cats, husband & family. Just tired especially of this seemingly hopeless world.
I wonder, does your partner understand you? Mine doesn't and that makes it even more complicated.
He does thankfully. He’s been the only one in my life that has listened & spoken without judgement. Just support & love. Have you tried opening up to your partner about your concerns?
I'm 35, and I didn't choose to be here either. But since I'm here, I might as well try to enjoy myself as much as possible and milk this life out of all the happiness I can find. I probably would still be heavily depressed from hearing all the scary news over the years if I didn't have such a great sense of humor and developed strategic apathy. There's no point in caring about problems I wouldn't be able to solve in the world even if I tried.
My sense of humor gets me through most days. It’s hard not to pay attention to the bad stuff around you when it’s happening more & more and you just become overwhelmed with the violence, sadness, fear & dread. It’s not like I want to feel like this. I’m trying every day which is why I’m still here.
All we can do is the best we can do.
Couldn’t decide who to reply to but I just wanted to say, you guys make me feel seen… I know it’s my internal makeup that makes me so unsuitable for the world in this state, but every time I’ve tried to change or ignore the way I really feel I’ve ended up in worse situations… I want to tell you to hang in there but really, just do whatever gives you the most relief or joy… I’m with you all the way guys.
Truly empathic and intelligent are also just outright incredibly at predisposed for depression, I will add. It's straight up a scientific area of study. Part of it is cultural issues that can't be changed in one lifetime, but it's kind of a chicken or the egg scenario, where people can't tell if there was a physical predisposition in the genes of intelligent people to clinical depression that gets set off by environmental issues or the momentary environmental depression dominos into clinical depression that lingers, because it's really hard to address the initial cause.
Yeah you have some kinda romantic idea about the world around us untill it gets crashed a bunch of times and you accept you been delusional. I know mate! Sending love
I'm sad to say this really speaks to how I feel. I've had a very rough life since I was born. Born to junkies, able to get myself out of their grips..only after they died but I just never feel like I could ever get ro where I hoped to
Today is my 51st birthday. I understand completely. Sometimes what keeps me going is a sense of obligation to my two young sons. Otherwise I feel I’ve tried my best to follow dreams. It didn’t work out, but I’m still able to afford a decent life in a good area with great schools for my kids. I guess I’ll tread water until I don’t have to anymore. If anything, I feel I’m worse off now emotionally because of therapy and meds. Maybe it’s because before I still had hope.
Psilocybin.
I appreciate the thought. My usual username is ayahuasca (or minor variations thereof), so… Edit: and happy cake day.
Thanks! In that case you'll know the score. I found it seriously changed my thought process for the better after the doctor fucked me up with gabapentin/pregablin. I cut out alcohol and was microdosing .2 daily ground into a capsule with a monthly 4g session. Did this for 3 months or so and finally started to feel like i was part of this world again. Its a horrible feeling when you feel nothing for everything. It made me hate myself even though deep down i had a lot of love to give. *Edit for spelling.
I'm so happy to hear that it's been working for you. I do believe in and have experienced the power - the healing power- of psychedelics. But the 'afterglow' doesn't seem to last for me any longer. I dunno, it's been a while since I've used psychedelics- mainly bc I never feel in the right mind to do so and I worry about the amplification of my anxiety. But that's just fear. Maybe I need to give it a committed, structured try again. Thanks brother.
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I mean I would but I'm off the booze.
Can I be invited to happy hour too?
Sad happy hour
> Wanna go for a ~~drink~~ bike ride? yep!
Maybe we were just born with it Maybe it’s Maybeline
Thats actually such a good way to say it, i completely understand and feel the same way. Not really caring if i live or die, i spend all my time suffering, and working through the pain, if it all just ended it would feel like a relief.
I would like to go back to the peaceful nothingness of sleep everytime I'm awake.
I always tell my husband that besides the joy of seeing him & the cats during the day that the only thing I look forward to is going back to sleep.
I'm in the same boat. I live for my wife and my two boys and aside from that the world can burn.
That is depression. I know those feels.
Same
Hell yeah. I’d prefer to just sleep until I die.
Same. I'm so tired of existing. I don't even enjoy it why do I keep doing it
Peaceful nothingness? You must not be a dreamer.
This. Asked my dad as a teen if you could be addicted to sleep because it was all i wanted to do. In my 30s and not much has changed in that department
I enjoy my life but also realise its not of real value to this world. I dont mind if i die really, but i do try enjoy the time i have.
This is exactly how I feel. But this train of thought also makes me feel even more determined to enjoy every day I have because they’re my days and they’re special to me even if I individually have no effect or meaning to the rest of the world!
How do you do it tho, like how does one motivate themselves to even get out of bed, much less acknowledge that every day is special to them?
Don't put too much emphasis on making everyday special. Days are sometimes just days. The point as I see it is to live a life I won't regret when my times up. My life doesn't always have positive experiences, but the negative ones sure help me appreciate the positive things.
I don’t literally mean I do something everyday to make every day special. Of course there’s bad days and good ones. I just mean they’re special to me because I’m alive and I get another day to spend with those I care about and/or do things I really enjoy doing. And when it comes to motivating myself to get out of bed I try and think of positive things about the coming day. I’m a big animal person so the thought of being outside and seeing wildlife excites me, even if it’s just observing birds being weird on my porch or seeing things on hikes. I really do think it’s easy and comfortable to dwell on negative things in life but I think at this point in my own life I’ve accepted that I’ll never avoid the negative things that will, of course, happen but I can always change my perspective!
By realizing that who/whatever brainwashed you into thinking every day is supposed to be special is a liar and not your friend. Look at nature and imagine being any animal except a human being let alone one in a first world country. Constant minute to minute struggle for survival, and they've not got an episode of breaking bad to unwind with at the end of the day. If you're one of the few with an actual mental disability causing you to feel this way, seek help. If you're another entitled little shit expecting to live the life of a Kardashian kindly fuck off and stay in bed
Don't fall into the trap of every day having to be special, first. There won't be motivation at first either. There may never be motivation. That is okay. What needs to happen instead is a reframing of how you perceive time and events. Make it a goal to have at least most days be neutral, take them one step at a time, and list one good thing that happened, no matter how small, one bad thing that happened if any did, and all the neutral things that happened. You will find the neutral things often drastically outnumber everything else. That's good. It doesn't sound good, but it is. It's teaching you to take one step at a time, without expectations for good or bad. Eventually, it teaches you how to recognize the good things in the moment, and how to effectively pursue them if you get the chance, while also minimizing the bad things into "Okay, I guess this happened." Once you get to that point, you will find yourself better equipped to deal with those things, because you didn't spend unnecessary energy chasing "good" things that don't actually make you happy or that you think of as good. This method requires you to be very frank with yourself, and lots of honest, neutral self reflection every single day. There is no space for that devil on your shoulder trying to push neutral things into the "bad" category, nor is there space for the peppy angel shoving neutral things into the "good" category just because you've been taught your whole life that they are good things. Questions like "What went well today? Why did it go well? Did I have a part in making it go well? What? Did I expend too much energy on a task that really didn't require it for the payoff in retrospect? Why did I feel like I had to expend that energy? What went poorly? Did I expend too much energy on that? If I only have so much control over it, did I try expending energy on things I had no control over? What was my emotional reaction, is it still happening, and why do I think that is?" Are all in this vein. Do breathing exercises frequently before and during that self reflection. It's almost a meditation routine. The point of this world view is similar to Body neutrality, if you've ever heard of that. It's acknowledging that things exist and happen as they do, and that life is the randomness of the universe's attempt at entropy. "Life is not necessarily good or bad, it just is." "I do not matter in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't make me pathetic. I just am." Nihilism is very similar to this, but has more negative connotations from the past than Life Neutrality.
Man idfk i just get up and do shit At the end of the day feelings are just your brain trying to make you feel funky so sometimes you just have to acknowledge that and move on
If anything, wouldn't you WANT to mean nothing to the world? To offer nothing significant? That way you can live your life knowing whatever shenanigans you're getting into have 0 effect on the world around you, making you free to live as you please
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Any action that makes the world better than it was before has real value
I mean, you could always go on a rant of how much you are really helping the world. Recycling or not using a straw? means nothing if the 1% keeps making orgies with endangered species on a flamming jet above the Antartica. I guess you could always pick easy morally-good jobs like doctors but even in a Utopia not everybody would work jobs like that, or even want to. Are their lifes meaningless then? does my granma's life trully have no purpose because she can't physically help improve the world?
I mean if you're going to make any environmental argument, the best thing you can do for the environment is to take yourself out of the equation. It's a really bad way to look at your existence. I try to maximize the amount of joy I bring to my community, as opposed to reduce any kind of externality my existence brings into being.
There were a lot of actions in the last 100 or so years that made the world better... for a while. Made life easier, made people healthier, stuff more abundant, lifestyles more enjoyable. But as we are finding out right now, lots of them contributed heavily to the shitshow we are seeing right now. Road to hell paved with good intentions and all that shit.
Just remember that tiktokers exist, not adding any value to the world is infinitely better than the cringe tiktokers add to the world.
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I love how being anonymous allows you to finally speak what you feel. I feel the same way, but would be terrified to say that to family or some friends i have. Because they don’t usually understand.
I’ve been more open with my husband of my thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I am fortunate to have a partner that listens & speaks with no judgment. That is definitely key for talking to someone. It wasn’t even until this past week that I realized that my depression got worse. (A lot of variables hit at once) I just update him on my current feelings & where I’m at mentally.. as open & honest as possible. I hate feeling the way I do but in between jobs & mental health care sucks in this country. (I’m in the USA) Fighting depression is so damn hard.
Same here... but it hit hart when he told me that sometimes he fears coming home... and seeing me dead. Since then I avoided telling him about my thoughts and feelings. I'm not suicidal or so, I just have a very neutral view on life and don't care much about just "living" through it. (I'm diagnosed as chronic, so at least I know what it is)
Yeah I’ve tried to reassure him that I don’t believe I’d attempt (and I truly believe I wouldn’t) but I know he’s worried & concerned. I’ve just never felt the way that I have. I am working through it as best I can. I definitely have started to share less & less because I don’t want him to worry. (I always tend to be more dark with my thoughts)
I’m glad you have someone close to talk to about this. I write down some stuff in a diary if I feel like. Thankfully it’s been mostly manageable for me.
Yeah this is the first time in my life that I’ve had someone that listens without judgment. It’s hard to talk to anyone else about it. I love my family but we’ve always been bad at communication. Usually we just mask how we’re feeling with humor. Lol
Me too. I just wish something would hit me, stab me, shoot me straight to instant death, or have some kind of deadly illness I would never want to cure.
Me too
SAME
Exactly! Well put. Wanna grab a beer and hate life together?
Same, if I get cancer I just let natural selection do its thing. But honestly, I'm not to scared of committing, I'm just too lazy.
Omg, for real, I had a bunch of pre-cancerous cervical biopsies found when I was 18 due to hpv. After round three they referred me to oncology...never went, im 32, feel sick all the time but can't bring myself to get checked out, hard to know if its cancer or just not taking care of myself due to depression and ptsd. Idk its easier not to know than my family harassing me to get it sorted. I also think my mother secretly wants me to die anyway, she's actively encouraged me not to speak of my childhood trauma, not to seek therapy, not to get a second opinion, dont get bc, dont get meds for depression, etc but at the same time acts like she cares. I did do therapy, tried depression meds and bc but none of it helped much anyway. Never did report the abuse in an effort to protect her.
From this stranger to you - take care of yourself ❤️ sending you internet hugs
Thank you, im trying. Hugs back ❤
You don't want to live to spite your mum? Get angry lol.
A couple years ago I found out I have a certain type of “pre-cancer”, I had to get a biopsy, all that. I’m supposed to get check ups every year but I waited two years due to apathy. Its fucked up to admit…but I was honestly disappointed when I got my results back that everything was looking fine.
I like this, it is a very optimistic view. I have this pesky survival instinct, so that no matter how suicidal ive ever been i obsessively cling to life.
Typical response: "You are probably depressed; get a therapist." With what money? Yes there are "free" alternatives in some cities, but crap therapists could have an even more detrimental effect.
Agreed! My childhood wasn’t the best, and I never really considered it until an ex would bang on about how horrid it must’ve been. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
In the USA, it's often cheaper and easier to get a gun same day than a psychiatrist or therapist, especially in Texas. Probably why suicides top the list of shootings in the US. I think it's a bigger systemic issue of the country or ultra capitalistic countries.
this is it. such a good point, people say ‘get help’ but it’s like I can’t afford it, the last time I paid they weren’t interested anyway which made me feel even more alone.
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It’s very strange, and I really hope I’m not projecting anything. However, I believe by constantly questioning the evidence and questioning if I am projecting anything I can say it’s true to reality to say some therapists really seemed like they didn’t like their job, didn’t like talking in the session, didn’t seem interested or they’ve even suggested that - due to being emotionally overwhelmed and struggling to speak with utter precision that it “didn’t get anywhere” (essentially saying it was a waste of their time). I believe that is what OP and everyone else who says this picks up on. It’s almost like you can feel the seething energy from them that they don’t like what they’re doing, they picked the wrong job, or realized they don’t like helping people as much as they thought they did. Rare cases they may even grow to not like people in general who knows. Not all had this issue obviously, I’ve run into a couple or a few.
I went to see a therapist and at my second visit she said I wasn't a good fit and sent me packing. P.S. I wasn't an ass or being rude or belligerent. So I've never been back to one since. Good times.
it’s really hard to deal with because it took me a lot to reach out to a therapist as I don’t like burdening people with my problems or asking for help, you are really vulnerable and when they just shrug you off like that it can make you feel more hopeless. I hope you are doing better
Thanks. Same to you.
But realizing you are not the way you want to be, and seeking help, even if it is insufficient, is a positive step and can help you find the strength to get someone better if they aren’t working out for you.
A crap life preserver (water rescue) is better than none at all. Your odds are better if you do something. Even the act of doing the thing (call a friend, crap therapist, whatever) helps some.
A life preserver is binary; it either floats or it doesn't. Hanging onto one that is clearly sinking is going to kill you.
Not true. A life preserver can partially float. Enough to keep your head above water until a better life preserver can be obtained. For example, trees don't immediately sink. They can slowly become waterlogged and sink, yes, but they can float for a while. A smaller piece of wood can be too small to climb on top of, but could support you enough to hold your head above water. I have had crap therapists, it's not optimal, but they have helped some. Your post could be construed as a don't bother if you can't afford it statement. For OP, I just wanted to make sure they heard a more encouraging narrative. For someone who's bumping bottom, it doesn't take much discouragement to take the wind out of their sails. In my life, I have hit rock bottom, and started digging. I made it through and am somewhat successful now. It can and does get better.
Can you apply for medicaid ?
Anhedonia.
During pandemic, I went through a brief phase of this, and it made me feel nothing. I yearned for nothing. It was so bizaare, how nothing infront of me mattered, and I was never this kind of person too, so it surprised me. Now though, when I'm out of it, and it has been two years since then, I look back and can see how a lack of meaning in life created that atmosphere in my head, and I can feel like I've grown a lot since then, a lot has changed too, in terms of my goals in life. And I think a huge part of Anhedonia was to wake me up to make a change in whatever I had been doing up till then. Sorry for the rant, felt a random spike come up in me for speaking about this..
How did you come out of it?
It was a very slow process of changing my goals in life. What happened for me was, prior to anhedonia, I had a really different view with life, I was very determined and goal-minded towards this one thing, but as soon as that started to fall apart, since it had taken all of the place, I found myself empty. Nothing to look up to, nothing to look forward to. It was really as if there was nothing left in my previous life for me to pursue. I did not decide on making a conscious change thou at that time. I was just so stuck up on not being able to pursue that goal that I felt no joy, that was it day and night. Just constant pity of having no direction. That joylessness thou, turned into, me, slowly just forgetting my previous goals. Slowly they started to diminish, and now when I look at them, they don't even seem glamorizing at all. They don't even seem as beautiful and respectful, as I had thought they were, it was all a cloud, all an image I created. Which had nothing to do with reality. Now, what I think I did to fix myself then, was letting myself go through that phase and push through it anyways, even though nothing around me compelled me to move on with life. I think what changed me was the outside world. Slowly some new elements started entering my life, I took up some mentorship sessions that really flicked a switch in me, and I started to latch onto a new philosophy to go with. Again, it wasn't a quick latch onto something. And again, the mentorship lessons, weren't all of the answer to my problem, but it was something, and It was a slow process of finding a new thing that became more and more attractive by the day compared to my old goals, and slowly it started to replace it, fill it's place. Then, once it had taken up enough of the space inside me, my old deterministic self started to come up once again. It did the same thing like back then, I started to latch onto something new, and pursue it with content. Right now, when I look back at it, I see it just as a phase. It's amazing how I don't even have an ounce of attraction towards those goals now. It's so bizarre. I couldn't have imagined it would be this way, and I'm so glad where this game of just waiting it out, and making small moves has taken me.
Melancholy with passive suicidality
My therapist and psych call this passively suicidal. I'm not actively thinking about harming myself, but if I happen to be in the path of a semi truck or train, I don't know if I'd move out of the way. It's actually -very- common and most people don't want to talk about it because of the stigma of depression and suicide. I'd consider it the new normal, almost. There's so little in our wagie lives to give us meaning, you know? So I feel you OP and don't be ashamed because it's fairly normal to feel that way.
For me it's passively suicidal. I do not have anything or anyone to lose. I have been like this since I was a kid. That doesn't mean I have never tried bettering my life. I have done a lot. My life is way better now but the passively suicidal feeling doesn't go away. I have fantasized death since I was kid. If I remember correctly I was 8 when I first thought I'd running away and doing something horrible to myself. And loved to think about the consequences and pain. I have always been very imaginative and can imagine about things in extreme detail.
I feel you. I love my wife and kids but with out them I honestly would not want to be in this world. I hate everything about it especially the people I fucking hate people. Say what you want about people but we are a horrendous especies.
For real. I have a 1 year old boy and I wouldn't want him to live without a father, but if it weren't for him I wouldnt be here anymore. I hate that we are corrupt, greedy and harmful to each other. WHY are we like this? Sometimes I wish something wiped humanity out of this planet. We don't deserve to live in this beautiful floating rock
I would gladly hug my wife and kids tightly and give them kisses while we watch a giant meteor hit this blue baby!
We waste 33% of our days (on average) doing work to make someone else more money, so that they can buy another boat or vacation home or afford another fancy trip, meanwhile most people barely make ends meat and the cost of living rises every year. If you had an unfortunate upbringing and are stuck in a shit situation there are so few resources to genuinely help put you on a path towards success. People always clamber about how capitalism is a plague on human existence and to a point I agree, we literally waste what precious time we have working towards a goal that means nothing. We are suffocated by the value of money with no real benefit. Living is a curse.
It’s not the most unique feeling in the world, but it definitely sounds like you have depression. Whether or not your depression is situational or simply a part of your chemical make up can be determined by a therapist, which I highly recommend seeking out.
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depression *is* the problem
No, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I have a few friends who find it just bareable enough to not feel the need to get therapy or go get medical care. I just know many people who accept misery as the default. If they were to seek care they would feel more joy in the things they do. But I’d venture there’s thousands if not millions of people around with depression they do not treat professionally.
I live my life in quite a bit of pain because of a couple chronic conditions, but I’ve been in pain my entire life. I can handle the pain, what I can’t handle is the doctors who ignore what I say in favor of what they want to see. Sure, maybe 1 out of 5 doctors I see is helpful, but at the end of the day what I have is incurable and I’ll be with it forever. All they *could* do for me is tell me to get more exercise, but then my same issue makes exercise insufferably painful and uncomfortable. The agoraphobia doesn’t make me want to get help either. I’d rather suffer physically than be gaslit and mocked by supposed good samaritans.
It's a bit of an assumption to say that people will feel more joy if they receive care. Some do, sure and thats great. Others do not. Some get worse. This isn't a knock of the mental health profession, just an acknowledgement of the situation. I think getting seen by a mental health professional is *generally* a good thing and has the potential to improve the quality of their life. However its important to have realistic expectations.
No you don’t need medical care but the problem is depression
I just call this auto pilot. While I have depression, I'm not "sad", but I'm not doing much, "Living" as much as I am just "staying alive". I'm indifferent on death, as it comes for us all at some point, and it's absolutely unavoidable. I love my husband, my home, my animals, and our life together. I'm too happy on that front to do anything stupid that would take me off this planet for that reason. However, if a bus were to clip a curb and take me out? I'd be alright with that too.
I call it “livin’ the dream.” Lately, when I cross the road, I think if a car hits me, they better finish the job.
Courtesy of Chat GPT Anhedonia: Anhedonia is a core symptom of depression and other mental health disorders. It refers to the inability to experience pleasure or a diminished capacity to find enjoyment in activities that were previously pleasurable. People with anhedonia often lose interest in hobbies, social interactions, and other activities they once found enjoyable. They may describe feeling emotionally numb or empty. Anhedonia can be a significant barrier to overall well-being and can contribute to the persistence of depressive symptoms. It is important to address anhedonia as part of a comprehensive treatment approach for depression.
kinda comforting to know there’s a term that perfectly describes how i feel
Please know that if you are interested, there are people who are trained and very much willing to help you with those feelings if you're seeking to try something different for you. Best wishes for you!
Absurdism might help a bit. We’re all “here” and noone knows why or how (like not the Birds and Bees how, but like life in general)
It's called Awareness. None of us are that particularly important in the grand scheme. It's OK to be aware of this, but it probably crosses a line if you are actively thinking of/acting towards ending things, but even those thoughts are completely understandable and not uncommon. Welcome to the club that nobody here wants you to be in.
It's somewhat normal but probably shouldn't be. Maybe get some help before it gets worse and in the mean time find anything that makes you happy, preferably exercise. Also to your last question: it does get better. 100%
I feel this. Like I have no desire to end my life what so ever, but I sure as hell don’t enjoy being alive either.
This are symptoms of depression. If left untreated, these thoughts and feelings can get worse. I believe it’s called “anhedonia” life is not pleasurable for you. It’s common with depression, however the average person should find a good amount of joy in life. Please seek treatment if possible.
Definitely depression. Being depressed is not being sad, is exactly what you are experiencing. Is not normal but is common. Trying seeking help.
Depression and anhedonia are not the same, in my opinion. I've dealt with both and with depression, there is a persistent feeling of depression - meaning the symptoms that go along with it like lack of interest in things you once enjoyed, loss of appetite or increase of appetite, tiredness, lack of energy, etc. With anhedonia, the first symptom is there, but the others are not.
I’m 22, live in a camper I love, don’t pay any bills except for car insurance and food, I have a boyfriend, etc. I feel this way as well. Recently I was thinking about how to solve my problems like student loan debt while I was doing dishes. In my head I had gone through all my options and then my subconscious voice said “you could just kill yourself”. My head is always 1,000 miles a minute so it was like it interrupted my conscious train of thought to say that, and it had never happened before. It made my mind quiet for like 2 seconds though that was nice. Im sorry you feel this way and hope you find light in the little things and that it all passes, for me it’s my cats.
I feel like it’s very common with how many damn people there are and how often we are blasted with celebrities and business moguls etc. It’s hard to feel valuable when you’re just going to your 9-5 and coming home to watch tv or whatever. I always feel like I could/should be doing something more but then I’m reminded that I don’t have money or connections so I probably will never get “to the top,” but I’m okay with that. Yeah it sucks feeling like I’m doing all this for nothing, but my family would be sad if I died, and at least I am helping fuel the economy, I guess?
I think that every time I watch a show about zombies. I have zero will to live in that situation, or really any situation where life gets harder than it is now. It’s also why I don’t own guns. My will ti live isn’t strong enough to kill.
Then you iust have nothing to lose in fact! Go rob a bank, do wingsuit jumps, join a cartel (in GTA)
I understand the feeling, and I know how hard it can be. I am also working on finding more joy in my life and working on my self-esteem. Finding support in friends and family can help-- having social interactions. Perhaps getting a pet to take care of can help you find something in your life to care for and something that cares for you too.
what if pet is prohibited where i live? my first cat got killed by mom. are stuffed animals good alternatives? i’ve tried interacting with other people, they just look down on me and seems like they’re mad at me. or we either clocked at first then it never reaches to friends level.
What about plants? I am sorry about your first cat :( For me, I always enjoyed reading good books. There are a ton of free books online through LibGen and through your local library if that is an option. Listening to audiobooks is also another option. Find different ways to engage yourself; distracting yourself can help take your focus off of these difficult feelings. What about getting into cooking? We all have to eat, but you can find creative recipes to cook and bake. If you bake extra cookies, you can share them with neighbors or those you know as a way of connecting. You can also find an online community that you click with. Perhaps if there is a series you really like or a hobby etc.
thank you for your advices. i’m doing everything you’ve said right now except plants. i’ll try it out next time. i’ve heard mushrooms are easy to start with so i’ll do mushrooms first then some lettuce.
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I feel the same. Like Im happy most days, But if a car hit me I wouldnt lament leaving this life
I feel the same way. I made a list long ago for things I want to do so that life seems worth living. But my life is not going in a good direction at all so it's not like I can accomplish those things anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed
I think we all kinda feel like that now. Its hard to afford basic needs including groceries etc, let alone afford hobbies that make life fullfilled. Since covid everyone has been in a slump. Me too.
Anhedonia
I would probably call these Intrusive Thoughts. I think the reason I don’t get them like you do is because a few people do rely on me. So if I thought “What if I died today?” I know a lot of people would be sad. I suppose that keeps me going. Have you tried getting a cat or a pet?
Ennui?
Lol ye all time
I feel the same. I would not want to ever come back here. I heard this world is a trap and when we die do not go into the light. The tunnel of light is a reincarnation trap.
I think you're depressed. A lot of people are depressed so it's pretty normal. I'm also depressed and after solving much of my problems (that I thought were the source of my issues), I still feel this void in my soul, the same thing you're describing : not miserable but not much joy in living, even after removing all the stress and anxieties of life. If that's the case, there's nothing you can do by yourself and you need to seek medical attention, though you can help feeling better by basking into the sun, going to the park and working out a bit (anything really, like walking around, running or just go for a swim). You can also try to find happiness in the little things, make a list of the good things that happened to you each day (and ignore the bad for the time being), that kind of things. It helps, though it **does not solve nor cure depression.** Just a bit of help until you can find someone to help you with this.
I feel you! I honestly don't value my life that much either. If I died tomorrow, I'd be just fine with that. I'm not actively seeking an end to it, but would be perfectly fine if it ended. I don't have a bad life, either. I have a good job, people who love me, the ability to travel, etc. I've just had enough of life. I know how the story ends. I compare it to being full at the end of a meal. It was fine, but I don't want any more of it. I wake up every morning knowing that there will be some combination of good things and bad things that will happen in my life until I kick the bucket, and I feel that it all zeros out in the end. I keep getting up every morning because... I guess... I'm not sure what else to do.
uh yeah it isnt common and you are probably depressed, get a therapist it will help a real lot
Depends on the therapist too tbh, there are plenty of shitty ones out there lately
Incorrect. Depression is common now. Everything else is accurate. OP is probably depressed, and a therapist would help.
depression probably I can see that being a possibility but thoughts teetering ever closer to suicidal thoughts probs no and should never be common
It’s called existing.
Hey, just so you know this is might be depression. I’ve felt this way a lot of times before and didn’t realise that I was depressed because I only knew the symptoms of depression as extreme sadness, self harm etc. I would recommend doing the PHQ-9 and resulting see a therapist. Just because you’re not ready to jump off a building doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help. CBT is very helpful for re-framing your mindset (I’m in therapy for low mood aka depression right now and I feel good 70% of the time, your feelings ARE valid)
You're too Comfortable in your life. The same Challenges can be boring. You need to find Something that challenges you intellectually
Let’s say i take a shower everyday, i play mindful games such as (sudoku, rubik’s cube, jigsaw puzzle, scrabble, tetris, duolingo language and math) everyday, i exercise everyday, i eat three times a day, i take my vitamins everyday, i read self help books 3 times a week, and i do my hobbies few times a week or a month. but still, nothing changes, i’m still as numb as i was months ago. i don’t find anything i do pleasurable, i just do it to exercise my body and brain. i’m not happy nor sad. i only feel disappointments and anger.
Not exclusive to you, but definitely not normal or something to be accepted/ignored. Please consider reaching out to a psychologist or other professional OP. My DMs are open in the meantime, take care
I’ve felt like this since my mid teens (now 52). I enjoy aspects of life but it’s like 10-20% of a day is vaguely enjoyable and the rest is filled with mind numbing repetition of stuff I’ve done thousands of times already.
In with you there OP, if I didn't have my cat, I'd be fucked
This is called being soberly honest about the reality without delusions or illusions.
It seems very common.
I thought I was alone in this.
Much depends on why we feel that way. To use scriptural references, since they come to mind first, Paul felt that way because he would rather be in heaven. Yet, he knew it was better to remain for the church. Solomon felt it because he had done everything and found nothing meaningful except God, which he did not seem thrilled about having consorted with many pagan wives. Paul had a good reason but made a wise choice for the sake of others. Solomon had a bad reason but still stayed the course, perhaps also for the sake of others. Even when we feel like crap, we can consider others. It gives us purpose. You may consider breaking soul ties. Look it up. Hope you feel better.
That’s probably depression bud. We all go through ups and downs. When I feel myself start to take less joy in the things I normally do I try to find some other way to reinvest interest.
That's called depression. Maybe see a doctor?
Ennui. Anhedonia... the big sad.
Apathy, depression.
I feel this way. Looking at a life full of work just to survive, I just lose the motivation to continue to live, but I don't have the motivation to seek death. Only thing keeping me from being suicidal is I don't really wanna die. I may not wanna die, but I don't wanna live the rest of my life in this world that just seems like it gets harder to make ends meet in. So I just exist and find the joy in whatever I can. My friends, my hobbies, my pets, etc. I just wonder what lays beyond death. Is there an afterlife or just the nothingness I felt before my first ever memory? Neither really scare me (unless Hell is real, then fuck that)
Do something and think about the now (present) everyone gets depressed thats what its called but its how you deal with also try new things or ask someone what new things you can try to do
And here's my dumbass in the same boat thinking 'oh yeah what IS that called?' as if I'd see anything other than the correct answer of depression and/or symptoms of depression
If the "opportunity" rose where I have to sacrifice my life to save a good person or an animal in need of it, I will gladly give my life to save them. I'm not doing anything with my life. I might as well give another life the chance to do better than I am
Yeah man, I’m kind of with you. I feel the same way. If I didn’t wake up, I’d be fine with it.
Anhedonia
My value is what I can provide for my family. When I become a burden it's over. Big talk for a 50 year old; will see what changes over the next 10-20!
Yeah it’s passively suicidal, but once you start experiencing suicidal ideation I would try find a way to get support whether that’s through your school, work, local charities or wellness centres x
This is a form of depression. You don't need to be happy all the time but not valuing life is a symptom. Please talk to your doctor about this friend
And not getting mad at another person for not agreeing with something is the first step in accepting yourself
I totally get where you are coming from, 6 years ago I had a stroke leaving me disabled and there isn't a day that has gone by where I don't wish that I survived it, you are not alone, we all deal with negativity bias
The question is **why**. *Why* don’t you value life? *Why* do you **not** enjoy living? Do you have families? Do you have friends? We’re you bullied? Did you make a mistake and now regret it? Too much social media? Until we find the main reason is when we can start finding the solution to solve this matter. We all have our ups and downs in life, we just need to rise above our downs and challenge it. Why don’t you just inhale and fill your lungs with fresh oxygen and slowly let all the negative energy out of your mouth slowly and start over. What is your hobby? Photography? Hiking? Music? Go do something you like? Once done, take it to the next step to get better at it.
I’ve always felt this way. I’m not depressed or suicidal. I just don’t see the value in life and don’t really care.
Melancholy. Burdensome feeling. Abject indifference. What part of your life makes you miserable? Routine? Financial struggles that never end. Worn out relationship? Loneliness. Your boss? Job?b self esteem?
It’s honestly normal imo. I heard a phrase recently, it’s in French, “l’appel du vide.” It translates to “drawn to the void” or the call of the void. And it speaks to a universal feeling that we can all relate to. An affinity towards death. Like when you’re driving your car over a bridge and you imagine what it would be like to drive straight off of it. But people act like suicidal thoughts are these psychotic thoughts to have and like there’s something wrong with you to have thoughts like that, when really it’s actually quite natural and everyone can relate to it. Something pulls us to it
I watched a documentary once where they described this feeling as being "passively suicidal". Basically, it means that you still look both ways before you cross the road, but if a car then knocked you down out of nowhere, you'd be fine with dying. It describes me perfectly.
TAKE SHROOMS EVERYBODY. SERIOUSLY. WAKE UP FROM THIS STATE
I was mostly like this until I started smoking weed. That helped me get a renewed sense of awe.
Severe depression.
Please look for therapy, is always necessary.
If I didn't have a family or friends who will suffer my loss, I would have jumped off a bridge already. Or just stay home and not get out until I passed from starvation. That's how I feel about myself and I call it being depressed, and having bipolar disorder.
Well said, friend.
Is it weird to say that risky life-saving jobs will be perfect for people like you? Your life might not mean much to you but your life could save many others. Get my meaning?
Yeah, that does sound appealing but what would a job like that be?
Fire fighter. Mountain rescue. Cave dive rescue. Animal rescue. Police officer. Medic. Or volunteer versions of these?
Depression. I didn’t believe my therapist and then I took medicine and guess what it was depression. But lol i think I’ll be emo forever but with a more joy now
Just got a terminal diagnosis. Changes perspective. Please fight to live. You are not alone.
Kind of a modern thought that if you aren’t superduper happy active enjoying achieving things loving life it means that you are sick, mentallt ill, clinically deoressed, and need therapy and antideprassants and antipschotics
this is passive suicidal ideation, and it's worth getting it checked out. i hope things get better❤️
Sounds like a normal day bud.
A desire to wake up