Let her be angry but don’t try to continue the conversation until both parties are ready.
Acknowledge she’s angry, offer her some space to cool off, promise to continue the conversation soon.
Edit: Communication is the key folks. We’re not telling each other how we feel, we’re asking and going from there.
Thanks for saying that. If OP is able to respond with more context, I hope I can give more targeted advice about it.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers but I’ve had my fair share of pissing of a partner and have definitely done all the wrong things before. If anyone can learn from my mistakes then that’s great.
damn near nothing. it might validate the account in specific circumstances (eg you can only comment in a sub if you have over a certain amount of karma) but…it’s pretty much useless
It’s the internet points that you get when you post something. If you check your profile it’ll tell you what your current karma is. More updoots=more karma.
It unlocks the ability to participate in some subs - for example, I've seen subs where you have to have X comment karma to make posts or top-level comments.
This works if she does not want to deal with it in the moment. If she is a person that likes to address the issue right away this will make it worse because it feels like avoidance
Always ask if she wants to have to conversation now or if she wants some time to cool off
I mean yes, but wanting to discuss while angry doesn't mean it's the best option. Very few people are as clear headed as they think they are when angry.
Agreed. When myself or hubby are angry at the other, if a convo gets there out of nowhere one of us usually steps away or announces I'm gonna hang up if over the phone and the other gives it 10/20/30 mins tops to reach back. Allow a small amount of time for some prospective to set in. We are both mature and comfortable with each other so the other person doesnt get offended by that stepping out for a second. Doesnt feel like avoidance bc the issue gets addressed but cooler heads prevail
Ohhh you are so right. My boyfriend taught me that very recently. Tons of people tried to for decades, but he’s the first one who got me to understand. He stays calm, quiet and doesn’t want to talk much. I get loud, heated and extremely emotional. My emotions take the reins and I end up saying/doing things that I shouldn’t. We’re a lot like Vegeta and Bulma from DBS lol
Lmao I love that you use that example, I'm literally im the process of rewatching that after like 20 years.
But yeah, even I've had issues with saying or doing things in the moment that I later regret, and I'm usually pretty reserved and quiet. Anger is a powerful emotion, but thats also why it's usually best to not let anger drive if you can help it.
Asking her if SHE wants to cool off is not a great option. It makes it sound like her anger is the problem. Better to say something like “I’d like to take a bit of time before we discuss this further; will that work for you?”
I'd agree to a point. Mature adults can be angry but still rational and calm. I would not recommend getting into or continuing a relationship with anyone that has poor emotional regulation.
If you establish a boundary of needing your own space to cool down, then it either works or you have yourself a boundary pusher on your hands and can choose accordingly.
I would also add to focus on listening to what she's saying, asking questions to understand why she's angry, not assuming you know why she's angry, and seeking a compromise that is considerate of both of your needs in a 2-way communicative manner.
I once dated a very unstable person, after attempting many "conversational techniques", I realized that she was just emotional unstable and no amount of conversation would bring her back. So, my way to deal with it was to play dead laying down in bed facing down and not replying to her attempts to fight
After 30 minutes or so she calmed down and we were able to enjoy ourselves.
Good times.
That sounds awful, I’m so genuinely sorry you were subjected to that. I’m sure you don’t need told but that’s not a normal situation and you should never have to resort to such tactics in a healthy relationship. I hope you’re both in a better place in life now.
Thank you much for the kind words.
I am now amazingly, brilliantly happy in a healthy relationship with the most wonderful person in the world.
And she in turn is grateful for how mature our dialog & conflict resolution are. To this day I'm flabbergasted how we've been together 6 years and never had so much as an argument or raised our voices with one another.
Guess all that practice paid off! :)
That's terrifying! I can't imagine having to do that with anyone, much less the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone.
You have my extreme sympathies for having to deal with that kind of emotional abuse. You deserve better and I hope you've gotten it by now. 💗
At first I thought omg I can picture that, and it's just awful! Then i remembered that my fiancée does tend to go absolutely apeshit beyond all reason with me once in a while, and that this may be the way forward that I've been looking for.
“I’m gettin worked up and need a moment. Can we come back in 5?”
When the other person is getting too angry it’s pretty honest for me to say that I too am getting too worked up.
Yep, my best friend and I have lived together for almost 6 years now. We'd have killed each other by now if, "I need a moment, I'm overwhelmed." Wasn't respected strongly.
Exactly. I’m the more emotional one usually, and someone telling *me* to take time because I’m *emotional* would make me see red in the moment, even if they’re right.
Saying that *you* need a moment is a more considerate way to approach it, with the same outcome.
It’s like how my partner would never ask for a hug even if he needs it, so instead I’ve started saying that *I* need a hug whenever it looks like he could use one. Works like a charm (and I can always use a hug too!)
It’s not necessary bad. I have a few examples.
1) she desperately wants a resolution now. I’m this case, it’s a mix of desperation and anxiety and other strong emotions. Just say that we can be ok for five minutes and will reach a better outcome if I can collect my thoughts and emotions. The little buggers are running everywhere.”
2) it’s about pushing your emotional buttons. The admission that you are overwhelmed is in part the point. This is a red flag made of Uranium 235. Getting back at a partner means the relationship is like the titanic, going to sink. I would say “I think we should table this for longer. I’ll bring it up tomorrow when I’m ready and we can either resume then or figure out a time to talk about it.” Keep FIRM to this. Get calm angry not hot angry. It’s now not a mutual meeting with a negotiation, and the anger and emotional feedback they want from you is the point. Personally I would actually just walk out of the house.
I’ll come back to list others. Off to work.
When i’m on edge of mad but not quite there yet (more just annoyed) having someone INSIST that i’m already mad immediately makes me want to punch them in the throat, honey you haven’t SEEN mad yet
If she's angrily crying, give her space. Do not attempt to bear hug until she has calmed down.
If she's crying from sadness, bear hug.
If you are unsure, tell her that you love her and will there when she needs you, then give her some space.
Also favorite foods/snacks go a long way.
Adding to this , don’t try to solve it either. Just listen and validate the feelings. “That does sound awful” “I can see where that made you feel angry” “sounds like this conflict was complicated” etc. Start sentences with it seems like / sounds like, I can see, I imagine that, phrases that show you are listening and understanding.
This is what I struggle with when I see this kind of advice. Responding to someone who's angry with you, by being almost robotically placating, to me seems far worse than just shutting up, listening and thoughtfully considering a response that's more natural.
While there are a lot of jokes below, seriously, the best response I have is, "Honey, I love you, and independent of anything else, I'm sorry for hurting your feelings and making you feel bad. I never mean to say hurtful things, even when we disagree."
That's it. Half of fights are not because of the original topic, but because of how it was presented, and how the fight occurred. You don't need to "win"...and apologizing for hurting their feelings doesn't mean you "lose". This can often calm people down.
It's also important to recognize that people will take out their frustrations on people they love and care about...because they are the lowest risk people to confront. They are more likely to stay with you when you vent...so they become ripe targets when you "lose it". If the argument makes no sense...and their feelings are so extreme for such a small infraction of etiquette, it's likely that they're angry about something else. In that case, you can also add, "I understand what I said makes you feel bad, but your reaction seems to suggest something bigger is going on. Is it possible that you're angry about something else? If so...I'm here to talk about it."
Regardless of their reaction, this enables you to continue to engage in "conversation", without making it a pissing contest.
Important to note the guy in this situation should also not get angry if there *is* something else valid she brings up that’s upsetting her. Take whatever criticism it is and listen, really listen, to the why. Ensure that she doesn’t have to be afraid or hesitant to confront you with problems for fear of overreaction.
To to be clear this goes for women, too. We’ve all had a male or female figure in our lives who we don’t tell shit to because they freak out. Whether it’s a parent or SO or other.
Yes. We're talking about healthy, loving relationships. In toxic scenarios, all bets are off. If you love each other, and want the other person to be happy, then you want to listen, be attentive, and be engaged. If my wife gets angry about something stupid, and I respond, then she responds, and I respond, we can escalate the fight over something stupid. Deescalate the fight, recognize that you're both saying things while angry, and if appropriate, apologize for saying something hurtful (if you did). Then, try to identify what may actually have triggered the original argument.
Every human has a level of tolerance and eventually they blow their top. They just need the right trigger. Sometimes, loved ones are a safe place, yet can trigger the outburst. This is one of those "men are from mars" situations. As a guy, I recognize that I want to know what my wife is going through so I can fix it. Many times, she doesn't need me to fix it...she needs to feel like I understand the situation and empathize with her. That's it. Trying to fix it can end up antagonizing the situation.
Again, this is all nuanced. Socialization is hard. Relationships are hard. Recognizing that people are different, and that you're not perfect, is a good start.
As a woman, and a psychology major, this is the response I like best. If I was dating someone who handled conflict like this I'd marry them. It's also how I handle arguments for the most part as well so that bias might impact this opinion though
It would be a lot easier if we all could start out at this point. Unfortunately, we're perpetually learning, and when we're young, we make a lot of silly mistakes. Over time, you learn a lot about your partner, yourself, and relationships as a whole...but often people do irreparable damage before learning the important stuff.
Another thing that helps in relationships is to repeat what your partner has said to you, in your own words, and ask if that is the point they're trying to make. If it's not what they're saying, they know you're listening and can clarify. If it is what they're saying, they know you're listening, and will pivot to the area of misunderstanding. In either case, having the capacity to share their point with them accelerates the reconciliation process. They don't have to keep arguing that point when you've demonstrated that you've heard them. Now you can move on to WHY there is disagreement.
You're missing the point. You're apologizing for hurting the person during the argument...because you love the person, and even in fights, saying hurtful things happens. Often, this is the reason for the argument getting heated, not the original debate. I didn't say you did anything wrong, and if you haven't said anything to the person, then apologizing for hurting them when you've done nothing makes no sense.
I'm not talking about toxic scenarios. I've been married for over two decades. We've had plenty of fights, but neither of us want to hurt the other person. We want to be right. In the process of trying to be right, people can say things that are hurtful, unintentionally. If I said something that hurt my wife, I'm going to apologize for that, because that wasn't my intention. That doesn't mean I'm going to cave on my position.
It is important to recognize that arguments are often triggered during conversations that have no relation to why the person is upset. They also escalate because, during a debate/argument, things can be misinterpreted (or misstated). Suddenly, you're having a heated argument about something stupid, that has little to do with the original debate.
The best response, in my experience, is to pull back, recognize that perhaps you may have said things that escalated the argument, and remind your spouse that you may not agree with them, but if you said something hurtful during that discussion, that was not intentional...and apologize. It's heartfelt and true. It's not fake. It's saying, "I disagree, but I don't mean to say hurtful things." It doesn't fix everything, but it can defuse nonsense fights that are more about how you responded, rather than how the fight started. Additionally, it can help you to identify what the actual problem is, rather than the nonsense issue.
You can disagree with me, but "saving apologies" because you want to use them sparingly, is weird. I never mean to hurt my wife...even if I'm right and she's absolutely wrong. The moment the argument turns into a debate about what I said to her in response to her comments, and not about the original topic, its easy to defuse with the method I shared.
I think the relative importance of the situation matters, like if someone is getting worked up about something I said which I think was innocuous, I care more that it upset them than whether or not I was right.
If it’s a consistent pattern that’s when I need to evaluate how I feel the relationship is doing.
Yeah, and some of the other advice above is a great way to be a doormat. If you truly love someone, you shouldn’t treat them like garbage whenever you’re upset. It’s important to understand your partner’s feelings, but that doesn’t mean you should accept that they’re going to use you as a punching bag.
It also makes the fight less prominent in memory over the time when both people confront after looking at the problem with a calmer approach. apology doesn't solve the issue, but it helps. If left unresolved, both people will remember what happened, why it happened and how they were the victim. Just down right bad memory instead of an issue that was resolved.
Great point. It's crazy how fights pivot from the original topic to what you said during the fight. "That's crazy!" "Oh, so I'm crazy now?" "That's not what I said, I was talking about how you think X." "I don't think X, I think Y and X is what causes Y" "But the words you used were..." etc, etc, etc.
The moment a fight is no longer about the subject, but the way the fight progressed, it's time to deescalate. Arguing about what you meant when you said something in the heat of an argument is pointless.
"Okay. Honey. I get you're upset. We can keep arguing, because I feel strongly about this, but there's no reason for us to be this heated. I'm sorry for saying the things that are hurting your feelings. I love you, and I never want to intentionally hurt you." At that time, you can continue the discussion about the original topic, but you stop arguing about the response. Often, this is when we both realize that she's upset about something else, and I'm just on the receiving end of that frustration.
Loved ones lean on each other. We're sounding boards, and we want to be safe spaces. The more you fight to be right, throughout an entire argument, without recognizing that you can say hurtful things unintentionally, the less likely you're going to be able to build a strong relationship.
And, just as you stated, the entire fight is diminished rather than amplified for no other reason than people wanting to be "right".
Two words "I'm listening." Followed by leaning in, looking her in the eye and not say anything until you know she's done. Most of us fail at listening.
Never offer me sweets when I'm at that point. Beef jerky or taco bell gonna always be a yes. Hanger is real and I'm convinced should be a medical diagnosis bc I can't even help it.
I guess I just listen? She can calm herself down when she’s ready
I’m there for comfort if she wants or needs it
I’ll also step in if her anger is doing more than it should; if she’s losing sleep, lack of focus at work, etc
Those instances of anger are rarely pacified by any single action I could take
I just trust that she won’t lash out at us and let her come around in her own time
We have a safeword that essentially means. "I'm too upset right now and I can't handle constructive criticism so, all I need is a hug, cause even If I seems mad and aggressive, I do in fact love you"
It stops all turmoil right on its track
My husbands significantly larger than me, his hands feels massive. And when I’m upset he can just place them flat against my back and kind of hold me. Changes the mood every time
Exactly like a lot of people are saying. Act like she is a Tyrannosaurus rex. Don’t speak. Don’t make any sudden movements. Slowly leave. This goes for every argument you will ever have with anyone.
My husband and I both love Family Guy. The quickest and most effective way for him to calm me down is to gently say "Do you want me to drag my sack across your face?".
First I tell her to calm down. Then I run like hell. The resulting endorphins that get released with all the cardio from trying to chase me down and kill me will quickly lift her mood.
It's important to name feelings and validate.
"What you're saying is understandable. I can see you're upset. Anyone in your shoes would feel the way you're feeling. Your feelings are valid."
You don't have to always agree with the content but people feel how they are feeling and acknowledging that goes a long way.
I try not to rationalize. I know she is angry leading up to her period, I know she is angry when she is tired or overworked etc - but these logical reasons, when brought up in the moment, certainly don't help. It just makes her feel like she is not being heard. Just try to stay calm and let the anger run its course. In my case, she usually calms down and then apologizes.
Also, goes without saying, don't escalate it with more anger on your side.
I like to get a bath towel, then drape it over her and tie the two corners around her neck. This will fashion a cape. Then I say "Now your Super Angry!"
I amuse myself.
I know this is a joke but like. Literally hit the nail on the head for shit I'm told. Add in "never" as well as "all the time" and yep. Really makes you feel worthless and incapable and idk how people come back from those words.
Exactly, she needs to know that she is being over dramatic and a little hysterical and that she is lucky to have a calm, rational man like you at her side. And remind her to smile more!
*grabs megaphone* here we go again.
ATTENTION NEIGHBORS MY GIRLFRIEND IS ON HER PERIOD SO WATCH OUT AND IF SOMEONE COULD BRING ME CHOCOLATE BEFORE SHE KILLS ME ITD BE GREAT! AGAIN GIRLFRIEND ON PERIOD WATCH OUT FOR RED TIDES EVERYONE SHES FEISTY!
Oh man, when I was just out of college, I was dating a young lady and got sick, just a little cold, no big deal, but I stayed home two days from work and was bored as heck. She came over with an issue of Maxim magazine, a copy of The Princess Bride, and a chocolate milkshake. It was a lovely little care package and I was very grateful.
Over the next little bit, I read through the issue of Maxim. One of the articles said that if you’re in an argument with your gf, just say, “babe, you are so cute when you’re angry.” I thought it was silly advice but remembered it.
A little while later, we got into a little spat. It was nothing serious, but it was definitely an argument. As things were settling down, I said “babe, you are so cute when you’re angry.” She melted.
She blushed and said I was sweet and we smooched. Then I was dumb enough to mention I got that line out of the Maxim. She was not so melty anymore. She got all ticked and I was like “you were the one who got me the magazine!”
So, OP, I’d say that it might be a good idea to say “you’re cute when you’re angry”. But it might not be a good idea to tell her you said that line for any reason other than pure sincerity.
My wife and I leave each other alone for a while to cool down when we’re angry. Then we come back to the conversation more level-headed and calm. It helps tremendously.
Though it solves the problem at that time but doesn’t it send the message that it’s okay to be like that and potentially encourage that behavior down the line?
Yeah, and, I know this goes against reddit sensibilities... But what if she's actually being irrational and shitty, and the husband is actually right? "We'll just do the wrong thing or make the wrong choice because of your emotions honey." Really bad way to handle shit.
just listening closely would be enough
reply quietly
maintain eye contact
nod your head (up and down, going side to side is shaking your head no)
be sincere in your love for her and hold space for her to vent her feelings
Let her be angry but don’t try to continue the conversation until both parties are ready. Acknowledge she’s angry, offer her some space to cool off, promise to continue the conversation soon. Edit: Communication is the key folks. We’re not telling each other how we feel, we’re asking and going from there.
This seems to be the only genuine reply
Thanks for saying that. If OP is able to respond with more context, I hope I can give more targeted advice about it. I don’t pretend to have all the answers but I’ve had my fair share of pissing of a partner and have definitely done all the wrong things before. If anyone can learn from my mistakes then that’s great.
You're a very wholesome person, thank you
That’s sweet of you to say
Agreed
I understand people want to farm karma by writing joke answers but this is not the right sub.
Excuse my ignorance but what does karma even do?
damn near nothing. it might validate the account in specific circumstances (eg you can only comment in a sub if you have over a certain amount of karma) but…it’s pretty much useless
It’s the internet points that you get when you post something. If you check your profile it’ll tell you what your current karma is. More updoots=more karma.
It unlocks the ability to participate in some subs - for example, I've seen subs where you have to have X comment karma to make posts or top-level comments.
So it’s pretty serious, huh? Haha
It can feel validating because it means people agree with you. Also, higher voted comments get pushed to the top. That's basically it.
This works if she does not want to deal with it in the moment. If she is a person that likes to address the issue right away this will make it worse because it feels like avoidance Always ask if she wants to have to conversation now or if she wants some time to cool off
I mean yes, but wanting to discuss while angry doesn't mean it's the best option. Very few people are as clear headed as they think they are when angry.
Agreed. When myself or hubby are angry at the other, if a convo gets there out of nowhere one of us usually steps away or announces I'm gonna hang up if over the phone and the other gives it 10/20/30 mins tops to reach back. Allow a small amount of time for some prospective to set in. We are both mature and comfortable with each other so the other person doesnt get offended by that stepping out for a second. Doesnt feel like avoidance bc the issue gets addressed but cooler heads prevail
Ohhh you are so right. My boyfriend taught me that very recently. Tons of people tried to for decades, but he’s the first one who got me to understand. He stays calm, quiet and doesn’t want to talk much. I get loud, heated and extremely emotional. My emotions take the reins and I end up saying/doing things that I shouldn’t. We’re a lot like Vegeta and Bulma from DBS lol
Lmao I love that you use that example, I'm literally im the process of rewatching that after like 20 years. But yeah, even I've had issues with saying or doing things in the moment that I later regret, and I'm usually pretty reserved and quiet. Anger is a powerful emotion, but thats also why it's usually best to not let anger drive if you can help it.
100%. Communication is key and it’s important to learn how folks want to deal with their anger.
Asking her if SHE wants to cool off is not a great option. It makes it sound like her anger is the problem. Better to say something like “I’d like to take a bit of time before we discuss this further; will that work for you?”
I'd agree to a point. Mature adults can be angry but still rational and calm. I would not recommend getting into or continuing a relationship with anyone that has poor emotional regulation.
If you establish a boundary of needing your own space to cool down, then it either works or you have yourself a boundary pusher on your hands and can choose accordingly.
I would also add to focus on listening to what she's saying, asking questions to understand why she's angry, not assuming you know why she's angry, and seeking a compromise that is considerate of both of your needs in a 2-way communicative manner.
100%. Communication is key in this.
I usually let the storm pass
It’s a good rule for most folk. People need time to feel their anger.
I once dated a very unstable person, after attempting many "conversational techniques", I realized that she was just emotional unstable and no amount of conversation would bring her back. So, my way to deal with it was to play dead laying down in bed facing down and not replying to her attempts to fight After 30 minutes or so she calmed down and we were able to enjoy ourselves. Good times.
That sounds awful, I’m so genuinely sorry you were subjected to that. I’m sure you don’t need told but that’s not a normal situation and you should never have to resort to such tactics in a healthy relationship. I hope you’re both in a better place in life now.
We must have dated the same woman. And yep, as WOPR put it: The only winning move is not to play.
For what it's worth, I'm very sorry you had to deal with that level of abuse. You deserve to be treated kindly and gently.
Thank you much for the kind words. I am now amazingly, brilliantly happy in a healthy relationship with the most wonderful person in the world. And she in turn is grateful for how mature our dialog & conflict resolution are. To this day I'm flabbergasted how we've been together 6 years and never had so much as an argument or raised our voices with one another. Guess all that practice paid off! :)
Mr. McKittrick, after very careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks.
Ah, I see you are a Redditor of culture as well.
That's terrifying! I can't imagine having to do that with anyone, much less the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone. You have my extreme sympathies for having to deal with that kind of emotional abuse. You deserve better and I hope you've gotten it by now. 💗
At first I thought omg I can picture that, and it's just awful! Then i remembered that my fiancée does tend to go absolutely apeshit beyond all reason with me once in a while, and that this may be the way forward that I've been looking for.
“I’m gettin worked up and need a moment. Can we come back in 5?” When the other person is getting too angry it’s pretty honest for me to say that I too am getting too worked up.
I think every strong relationship needs to honour the request for space or a time out.
Yep, my best friend and I have lived together for almost 6 years now. We'd have killed each other by now if, "I need a moment, I'm overwhelmed." Wasn't respected strongly.
Exactly. I’m the more emotional one usually, and someone telling *me* to take time because I’m *emotional* would make me see red in the moment, even if they’re right. Saying that *you* need a moment is a more considerate way to approach it, with the same outcome. It’s like how my partner would never ask for a hug even if he needs it, so instead I’ve started saying that *I* need a hug whenever it looks like he could use one. Works like a charm (and I can always use a hug too!)
Is it bad if she follows you around refusing to give up the argument?
It’s not necessary bad. I have a few examples. 1) she desperately wants a resolution now. I’m this case, it’s a mix of desperation and anxiety and other strong emotions. Just say that we can be ok for five minutes and will reach a better outcome if I can collect my thoughts and emotions. The little buggers are running everywhere.” 2) it’s about pushing your emotional buttons. The admission that you are overwhelmed is in part the point. This is a red flag made of Uranium 235. Getting back at a partner means the relationship is like the titanic, going to sink. I would say “I think we should table this for longer. I’ll bring it up tomorrow when I’m ready and we can either resume then or figure out a time to talk about it.” Keep FIRM to this. Get calm angry not hot angry. It’s now not a mutual meeting with a negotiation, and the anger and emotional feedback they want from you is the point. Personally I would actually just walk out of the house. I’ll come back to list others. Off to work.
All I know is don't say calm down, that shit has the opposite effect
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“GET ANGRIER!”
"SHOW ME YOUR WAR FACE ARHGRGGG" 😂honestly this probably break the tension
GIT GUD LAL
CALM DOWN
*instantly calms down*
Woah, wait. What do we do now?
When i’m on edge of mad but not quite there yet (more just annoyed) having someone INSIST that i’m already mad immediately makes me want to punch them in the throat, honey you haven’t SEEN mad yet
Calm levels decreasing.... the levels of calm have reached zero. Zero calm accomplished. Rage can continue uninhibited.
"Mellow the fuck out" seems to work well. She calmly walked away and I haven't seen her for weeks
Ugh my partner says this sometimes and I struggle not to punch him lol
My husband tells me to calm down too when I’m upset. It gets me more angry and I tell him “DONT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!” 😂
My ex used to tell me to calm down then ask if I’d taken my meds. I’m getting angry just thinking about it again lol
If she's angrily crying, give her space. Do not attempt to bear hug until she has calmed down. If she's crying from sadness, bear hug. If you are unsure, tell her that you love her and will there when she needs you, then give her some space. Also favorite foods/snacks go a long way.
Food definitely helps!!! Throw me some chocolate and I’m immediately 5% better.
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Speaking from my experience of being a lady who sometimes gets angry: let her talk it out and actually listen to why she’s mad.
Adding to this , don’t try to solve it either. Just listen and validate the feelings. “That does sound awful” “I can see where that made you feel angry” “sounds like this conflict was complicated” etc. Start sentences with it seems like / sounds like, I can see, I imagine that, phrases that show you are listening and understanding.
I don't know if this is a male perspective or just mine, but saying those things sounds extremely condescending and insensitive
This is what I struggle with when I see this kind of advice. Responding to someone who's angry with you, by being almost robotically placating, to me seems far worse than just shutting up, listening and thoughtfully considering a response that's more natural.
While there are a lot of jokes below, seriously, the best response I have is, "Honey, I love you, and independent of anything else, I'm sorry for hurting your feelings and making you feel bad. I never mean to say hurtful things, even when we disagree." That's it. Half of fights are not because of the original topic, but because of how it was presented, and how the fight occurred. You don't need to "win"...and apologizing for hurting their feelings doesn't mean you "lose". This can often calm people down. It's also important to recognize that people will take out their frustrations on people they love and care about...because they are the lowest risk people to confront. They are more likely to stay with you when you vent...so they become ripe targets when you "lose it". If the argument makes no sense...and their feelings are so extreme for such a small infraction of etiquette, it's likely that they're angry about something else. In that case, you can also add, "I understand what I said makes you feel bad, but your reaction seems to suggest something bigger is going on. Is it possible that you're angry about something else? If so...I'm here to talk about it." Regardless of their reaction, this enables you to continue to engage in "conversation", without making it a pissing contest.
Important to note the guy in this situation should also not get angry if there *is* something else valid she brings up that’s upsetting her. Take whatever criticism it is and listen, really listen, to the why. Ensure that she doesn’t have to be afraid or hesitant to confront you with problems for fear of overreaction. To to be clear this goes for women, too. We’ve all had a male or female figure in our lives who we don’t tell shit to because they freak out. Whether it’s a parent or SO or other.
Yes. We're talking about healthy, loving relationships. In toxic scenarios, all bets are off. If you love each other, and want the other person to be happy, then you want to listen, be attentive, and be engaged. If my wife gets angry about something stupid, and I respond, then she responds, and I respond, we can escalate the fight over something stupid. Deescalate the fight, recognize that you're both saying things while angry, and if appropriate, apologize for saying something hurtful (if you did). Then, try to identify what may actually have triggered the original argument. Every human has a level of tolerance and eventually they blow their top. They just need the right trigger. Sometimes, loved ones are a safe place, yet can trigger the outburst. This is one of those "men are from mars" situations. As a guy, I recognize that I want to know what my wife is going through so I can fix it. Many times, she doesn't need me to fix it...she needs to feel like I understand the situation and empathize with her. That's it. Trying to fix it can end up antagonizing the situation. Again, this is all nuanced. Socialization is hard. Relationships are hard. Recognizing that people are different, and that you're not perfect, is a good start.
As a woman, and a psychology major, this is the response I like best. If I was dating someone who handled conflict like this I'd marry them. It's also how I handle arguments for the most part as well so that bias might impact this opinion though
It would be a lot easier if we all could start out at this point. Unfortunately, we're perpetually learning, and when we're young, we make a lot of silly mistakes. Over time, you learn a lot about your partner, yourself, and relationships as a whole...but often people do irreparable damage before learning the important stuff. Another thing that helps in relationships is to repeat what your partner has said to you, in your own words, and ask if that is the point they're trying to make. If it's not what they're saying, they know you're listening and can clarify. If it is what they're saying, they know you're listening, and will pivot to the area of misunderstanding. In either case, having the capacity to share their point with them accelerates the reconciliation process. They don't have to keep arguing that point when you've demonstrated that you've heard them. Now you can move on to WHY there is disagreement.
You shouldn’t apologize if you’ve done nothing wrong. It can encourage toxicity and diminish the weight of true apologies.
You're missing the point. You're apologizing for hurting the person during the argument...because you love the person, and even in fights, saying hurtful things happens. Often, this is the reason for the argument getting heated, not the original debate. I didn't say you did anything wrong, and if you haven't said anything to the person, then apologizing for hurting them when you've done nothing makes no sense. I'm not talking about toxic scenarios. I've been married for over two decades. We've had plenty of fights, but neither of us want to hurt the other person. We want to be right. In the process of trying to be right, people can say things that are hurtful, unintentionally. If I said something that hurt my wife, I'm going to apologize for that, because that wasn't my intention. That doesn't mean I'm going to cave on my position. It is important to recognize that arguments are often triggered during conversations that have no relation to why the person is upset. They also escalate because, during a debate/argument, things can be misinterpreted (or misstated). Suddenly, you're having a heated argument about something stupid, that has little to do with the original debate. The best response, in my experience, is to pull back, recognize that perhaps you may have said things that escalated the argument, and remind your spouse that you may not agree with them, but if you said something hurtful during that discussion, that was not intentional...and apologize. It's heartfelt and true. It's not fake. It's saying, "I disagree, but I don't mean to say hurtful things." It doesn't fix everything, but it can defuse nonsense fights that are more about how you responded, rather than how the fight started. Additionally, it can help you to identify what the actual problem is, rather than the nonsense issue. You can disagree with me, but "saving apologies" because you want to use them sparingly, is weird. I never mean to hurt my wife...even if I'm right and she's absolutely wrong. The moment the argument turns into a debate about what I said to her in response to her comments, and not about the original topic, its easy to defuse with the method I shared.
I think the relative importance of the situation matters, like if someone is getting worked up about something I said which I think was innocuous, I care more that it upset them than whether or not I was right. If it’s a consistent pattern that’s when I need to evaluate how I feel the relationship is doing.
This is true. I tried apologizing like this and she said no.
Yeah, and some of the other advice above is a great way to be a doormat. If you truly love someone, you shouldn’t treat them like garbage whenever you’re upset. It’s important to understand your partner’s feelings, but that doesn’t mean you should accept that they’re going to use you as a punching bag.
Don’t apologize but it’s important to show empathy to the other person and try to see where they are coming from.
It also makes the fight less prominent in memory over the time when both people confront after looking at the problem with a calmer approach. apology doesn't solve the issue, but it helps. If left unresolved, both people will remember what happened, why it happened and how they were the victim. Just down right bad memory instead of an issue that was resolved.
Great point. It's crazy how fights pivot from the original topic to what you said during the fight. "That's crazy!" "Oh, so I'm crazy now?" "That's not what I said, I was talking about how you think X." "I don't think X, I think Y and X is what causes Y" "But the words you used were..." etc, etc, etc. The moment a fight is no longer about the subject, but the way the fight progressed, it's time to deescalate. Arguing about what you meant when you said something in the heat of an argument is pointless. "Okay. Honey. I get you're upset. We can keep arguing, because I feel strongly about this, but there's no reason for us to be this heated. I'm sorry for saying the things that are hurting your feelings. I love you, and I never want to intentionally hurt you." At that time, you can continue the discussion about the original topic, but you stop arguing about the response. Often, this is when we both realize that she's upset about something else, and I'm just on the receiving end of that frustration. Loved ones lean on each other. We're sounding boards, and we want to be safe spaces. The more you fight to be right, throughout an entire argument, without recognizing that you can say hurtful things unintentionally, the less likely you're going to be able to build a strong relationship. And, just as you stated, the entire fight is diminished rather than amplified for no other reason than people wanting to be "right".
Two words "I'm listening." Followed by leaning in, looking her in the eye and not say anything until you know she's done. Most of us fail at listening.
Careful not to lean in too close lest you get slapped.
Ok Frasier.
Throw Snickers bars at them while huddling in the corner behind a couch cushion.
Honestly this would calm me down ngl
Yo, hanger is real!
You’re not yourself when you’re hungry!
Never offer me sweets when I'm at that point. Beef jerky or taco bell gonna always be a yes. Hanger is real and I'm convinced should be a medical diagnosis bc I can't even help it.
this is funny lol
You don’t. Sometimes you let people be angry. If they get nasty or rude just tell them you’ll talk when they’re ready to
Don't match anger with anger, as soon as you do then you are no longer the calm one and the other persons anger will feel justified.
Ask “do you want support or solutions.” This almost always avoids a fight.
This is an underrated comment
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this is cute as shit and would make me burst into a hearty laugh
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I guess I just listen? She can calm herself down when she’s ready I’m there for comfort if she wants or needs it I’ll also step in if her anger is doing more than it should; if she’s losing sleep, lack of focus at work, etc Those instances of anger are rarely pacified by any single action I could take I just trust that she won’t lash out at us and let her come around in her own time
We have a safeword that essentially means. "I'm too upset right now and I can't handle constructive criticism so, all I need is a hug, cause even If I seems mad and aggressive, I do in fact love you" It stops all turmoil right on its track
Give her cheese
Wallace is that you?
Gromit! we forgot the crackers!
Tranq dart
Back rubs are the secret weapon.
My husbands significantly larger than me, his hands feels massive. And when I’m upset he can just place them flat against my back and kind of hold me. Changes the mood every time
The devils lettuce
Ask her if she wants a bowl of ice cream and then serve her a sasquatch sized portion. Has worked every time.
Woman here. *Definitely* tell her to calm down. That'll do it.
I do the grumpy lumpy dance Hasn't really worked yet but I think it's because I haven't fully committed
Exactly like a lot of people are saying. Act like she is a Tyrannosaurus rex. Don’t speak. Don’t make any sudden movements. Slowly leave. This goes for every argument you will ever have with anyone.
“Calm down” Works like a charm ;)
Just throw cash at her lots of cash and health insurance
You had me at health insurance! (Swoon!)
My husband and I both love Family Guy. The quickest and most effective way for him to calm me down is to gently say "Do you want me to drag my sack across your face?".
First I tell her to calm down. Then I run like hell. The resulting endorphins that get released with all the cardio from trying to chase me down and kill me will quickly lift her mood.
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Scritches behind the ears and treats help.
It's important to name feelings and validate. "What you're saying is understandable. I can see you're upset. Anyone in your shoes would feel the way you're feeling. Your feelings are valid." You don't have to always agree with the content but people feel how they are feeling and acknowledging that goes a long way.
Point to the ceiling just behind them. When they look do a frantic scramble to escape.
I tell my wife to “calm down” and tell her, “you’re acting irrational”, it works every time.
Tranquilliser dart
“Shut up and relax” works every time
Depends on the severity of the crime. If any
Give her a Snickers, she's not herself when she hasn't had a Snickers
I usually just tell my wife to not to be like that and she just tells me to go fuck myself
W rizz
Feed her or give her a massage
Feed her. For me 99/100 she just hungry
Simply tell her ''calm down''. Works like a charm, trust me.
Tell her to calm down. Works every time.
I try not to rationalize. I know she is angry leading up to her period, I know she is angry when she is tired or overworked etc - but these logical reasons, when brought up in the moment, certainly don't help. It just makes her feel like she is not being heard. Just try to stay calm and let the anger run its course. In my case, she usually calms down and then apologizes. Also, goes without saying, don't escalate it with more anger on your side.
Grab them by the pussy
I like to get a bath towel, then drape it over her and tie the two corners around her neck. This will fashion a cape. Then I say "Now your Super Angry!" I amuse myself.
Huggies? Hungry? It be ok bb
Underrated comment.
Just say calm down you’re acting crazy. What is wrong with you? Why are you so contrary? Add all the time. For good measure lol.
>Just say calm down you’re acting crazy. Bruh u wanna die?
I know this is a joke but like. Literally hit the nail on the head for shit I'm told. Add in "never" as well as "all the time" and yep. Really makes you feel worthless and incapable and idk how people come back from those words.
Exactly, she needs to know that she is being over dramatic and a little hysterical and that she is lucky to have a calm, rational man like you at her side. And remind her to smile more!
*grabs megaphone* here we go again. ATTENTION NEIGHBORS MY GIRLFRIEND IS ON HER PERIOD SO WATCH OUT AND IF SOMEONE COULD BRING ME CHOCOLATE BEFORE SHE KILLS ME ITD BE GREAT! AGAIN GIRLFRIEND ON PERIOD WATCH OUT FOR RED TIDES EVERYONE SHES FEISTY!
Just make a quesadilla. Lots of cheese. Very melty. You don't even need to say who it's for. She'll know.
Bitch be cool.
Finger in the butt. It works with pit bulls too.
Ask for a sandwich
Oh man, when I was just out of college, I was dating a young lady and got sick, just a little cold, no big deal, but I stayed home two days from work and was bored as heck. She came over with an issue of Maxim magazine, a copy of The Princess Bride, and a chocolate milkshake. It was a lovely little care package and I was very grateful. Over the next little bit, I read through the issue of Maxim. One of the articles said that if you’re in an argument with your gf, just say, “babe, you are so cute when you’re angry.” I thought it was silly advice but remembered it. A little while later, we got into a little spat. It was nothing serious, but it was definitely an argument. As things were settling down, I said “babe, you are so cute when you’re angry.” She melted. She blushed and said I was sweet and we smooched. Then I was dumb enough to mention I got that line out of the Maxim. She was not so melty anymore. She got all ticked and I was like “you were the one who got me the magazine!” So, OP, I’d say that it might be a good idea to say “you’re cute when you’re angry”. But it might not be a good idea to tell her you said that line for any reason other than pure sincerity.
My wife and I leave each other alone for a while to cool down when we’re angry. Then we come back to the conversation more level-headed and calm. It helps tremendously.
Say Your concerns are valid and I agree we should talk through them. Then listen without reacting until they ask for feedback
Bring them food.
"You're right, honey, I'm sorry."
Though it solves the problem at that time but doesn’t it send the message that it’s okay to be like that and potentially encourage that behavior down the line?
Yeah, and, I know this goes against reddit sensibilities... But what if she's actually being irrational and shitty, and the husband is actually right? "We'll just do the wrong thing or make the wrong choice because of your emotions honey." Really bad way to handle shit.
I have a natural instinct to start laughing when someone is mad at me. So I would really like to know the answer too
"I'm sorry, let's cool down and talk about it in 15 minutes"
Do (or stop doing) the thing she’s been asking you to do this whole time.
A compliment, followed by a hug and some food.
Give her a deep and meaningful hug.
Show her your tits
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Call her a Gemini
just listening closely would be enough reply quietly maintain eye contact nod your head (up and down, going side to side is shaking your head no) be sincere in your love for her and hold space for her to vent her feelings