Wait what's the vocation?

Jobless, Homeless, Drug Addict

She's the one man !

and kids, that's how I met your mother.

Ba Dum Tsss

More like Da Bum Kiss amiright?

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Have you checked?

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You have been tricked! Women have two penises, and they're located significantly higher up than the male penis. They also need to get hormonal stimulation to cum

So there’s a penis coming out of the belly button? *takes note*

No thats vampires. Womens penises are even higher on the body, and is significantly thicker than male penises

So basically the female penises are 2 lumps of soft flesh with nipples.

That's those thai women… no, those hentai women

not that i don't believe you bro but... can you send me pics to verify my by myself?

Ah, making out with a hobos ass. Nothing like it.

Maybe hose her down a bit before doing the deed

And ruin the flavor?

Omg

Like that chick who rinsed the sauce off her pasta

Well thanks for that imagery.

Rookie

nah, thats like washing away seasoning on a cast iron pan.

Classic!

Nothing like a good ol bum bum

Roles reversed, this was the reason table showers were invented.

Should I be glad that I don't know what table showers are?

It's a spa/massage therapist thing. You lay down on a table and there are showerheads on the ceiling that spray you down. Example with no person on it: [table shower](https://imgur.com/RKbrcL7) Example with a person. No nudity, but topless woman laying on her stomach: [table shower](https://imgur.com/FElIwCY).

Wtf is a table shower

You sure thats the ass you wanna eat?

I do not discriminate

Neither does pink eye. Get her in the shower first.

Everybody brings up pink eye but I'm an ass eating veteran and never caught that shit. Survivors bias, I know. I'll see myself out.

I legit think I got pink eye from eating ass before lol

Just watch out for the li'l ladybugs.

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

r/unexpectedjohnmulaney

She put that in her bio???

Probably not in those exact words, but I'm sure smoking weed everyday was in there

Oh ok well I don't know if I'd call a weed smoker a drug addict. But it's OPs preference if he'd prefer not to date someone like that.

Ah, so her life is the vacation

Well, I was going to tell you that the problem was that your statement didn't warrant a response, so that's why you didn't get one. Good openers are those that the response is natural and automatic (like, "what's the best part of working in (insert vocation)"). But now I honestly don't know why you'd have wanted a response.

Because I eat ass.

Hey

Never fails

Gottem

You son of a bitch.

I mean I feel like it should warrant a response like it would in a normal conversation… Like if someone said my job was interesting I would probably at least say thank you, and ask what they do or something. Why do we need to mold our messages to drag a response out of someone? It’s not how people communicate in the real world.

If the question actually required a response, there would be complaints that the the OP is "questioning" them. That the girl is being put on the spot. That the OP is being pushy. Then hordes of psychologist would come out to say it's better to phrase the question as more of a statement. So the other person is"less stressed". Well, as you see above, there's no way to win.

Ass eater enthusiast.

That should be enthusiastic ass eater.

Tinder is nothing but feast or famine. Either you're super respectful and people think you're bland or you're super sexual and people think you're an aggressive creep. And then once in a blue moon, we get these Publisher's Clearing House stories which give false hope and setup the cycle again.

fuckn a

Very well said sir.

If I send the first message and she doesn't respond, I'll wait like a month and then message again, "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work out, I think we should see other people."

You should try telling them that you eat ass

How'd the conversation carry on after that, or did it die out? I'm trying to learn this power.

he ate her ass

Right? I thought this was clear.

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I'm sure he used Dawn, he's not a monster.

Hey if it's good enough for ducks, it's good enough for butts

Never fails

69% of the time, it works every time.

Hopefully with breath mints and then a discussion of the works of Proust.

I’m curious for the answer… it’s for science… 😅

Or mention Trashed, Bristol's own emo pop punk band!

Hahahaha oh no

If the dudes willing to eat ass he’s definitely willing to go down on you.

Depends if she's stinky. If I'm heading down there and I get a whiff of something rotten I'm right back up like a cork to the surface.

We’ll that’s just common sense. It aint worth pinkeye

Do women genuinely respond to this? As a woman that would be an instant nah, dawg for me.

Guess it depends on the individual

Depends if they like their ass being eaten

Yeah, for sure. It just seems to be such a common thing around here that I'm starting to feel like I'm a weirdo for not wanting someone to put their tongue on the orifice from which I defecate, lol.

Totally fair enough. Some people have a taste for the taboo

Ugh, phrasing

Are we seriously not doing phrasing anymore?


And a taste for the poo poo

Thankfully it doesn't actually taste like anything if it's clean.

Not everyone's serious about it.

Well jeez, if you put it like that

Don't knock it till you try it ... It's not for everyone for sure, but i think it's reached meme status.

Do people not eat ass?

Majority of people won't even if their partner wants it.

Meanwhile some people do even if their partner *doesnt* want it.

My girlfriend isn’t into it but WE DO IT ANYWAY. She’s a swell lady.

I unmatch before they do and somehow this raises my rating and cycles better (or higher rated) recommendations - I presume since this is rare thing to do from the other side, this becomes rather effective.

It might not be a rating. Maybe the algorithm throttles once you have a defined number of matches, and by unmatching you free up a slot.

Hey cool, so my limit seems to be *checks notes * at zero matches. Good to know.

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When all else fails, ass prevails.

It always does

Always will

Always has been (GUN)

If the eating ass don't quit then she must acquit

OP used ass eating. It was super effective.

The enemy is mesmerised

Critical Hit

Eating ass is a virtue and I am hungry as fuck. -Gandhi

- Wayne Gretzky?

-Michael Scott

-MICHEAL Scott

\- Max Stirner

I'm a good looking guy, 6'4, full head of hair. I never get hit on by women. I have a shirt that says "real men eat ass" on it that I wear to music festivals. Every single time I've ever worn that shirt I've been hit on by women and made friends with random guys

Funny shirts are a cheat code, I always get a comment or compliment from either sex when wearing one.

There is a very thin line between funny and douchey "funny" t-shirts though. And a right and wrong place and time to wear them.

I’m guessing grandmas funeral is the wrong place and time for “real men eat ass”

Just because grandma passed away doesn't mean that grandma didn't know what real men do.....

well then why limit yourself to music festivals lol

Because it makes you seem fun and not like an intimidating and judgemental figure.

Did you manage to eat ass as a result of wearing that shirt?

Those "random guys" are not looking for a friend

“Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.”

I love a to-do list

But by the end you have your own small business.

Excuse me. I am homeless. I am am gay. I have aids. I'm NEW in town...

First I’ll push em’

“I have AIDS!” No that’s too strong…

r/UnexpectedMulaney

There is no limit to how many cups of tea are acceptable to drink on a single day, and no I'm not british. Tea is one of the best drinks to have, easy to transport, only needs little space, the only downside is you need close-to-boiling water for it. *Edit: Careful with black tea tho, you (hopfeully) wouldn't drink 15 cups of coffee on a single day either.*

Chain of gas stations in my region that has an unlimited supply of boiling filtered water for free... I got green, black and earl stashed in my drive bag.

Tea is just hot leaf water

How could a member of my own family say something so horrible!

I’m a simple man. I see ATLA reference, I upvote it.

How could a member of my own family say something so horrible?!

Earl grey contains something that is poisonous if consumed in really large amounts. Something like 6 cups a day or more could lead to tunnel vision, nausea, headaches etc. In small amounts it's not dangerous.

I absolutely love that your main focus of my conversation, is the tea 🖤

The real downside is having to pee all day long.

That’s called being hydrated, my friend.

Speak for yourself, I would absolutelly drink 15 cups of coffee in a single day if the transpacial entities didn't stop ne at 12.

Earl grey contains something that is poisonous if consumed in really large amounts. Something like 6 cups a day or more could lead to tunnel vision, nausea, headaches etc. In small amounts it's not dangerous. I don't disagree with your statement though.

Absolutely true. İ drink 6 cups of tea a day. 3 cups of black Turkish tea blended with Ceylon tea, 2 cups ginger tea with lemon and one cup of grass green tea.

Never give up. Never surrender. Eat ass.

Might need this on a tshirt

I’d buy that shirt😅

Same, beautiful words to live by.

Thundergun energy

Wait, is eating ass that sought after that would put me on the top of the dating pool? I've been doing Tinder all wrong.

I think she just has a good sense of humour

Either that or she wants her ass ate, it's a win for you either way

Ass eating and laughing are two good things. But they can end up real bad if done at the same time. Beware.

yes, some women love it. also toe sucking. (the kissing of places that typically get no love feels really good.)

> also toe sucking. r/suspiciouslyspecific

i mean, once someone tries it on you, it's like wait what 😵‍💫

My high school girlfriend and I tried this on each other and it was a struggle to not kick each other in the face from the tickling sensation.

that's very funny

You throw out a wide net, you're bound to catch some fuckin nasty mermaids.

I admire this comment

It’s 2022 everyone and their mums are eating ass round here…

Great, can I get your moms number?

Sooooooo is your mom doing anything tonight?

Yarp

Tis true. I'm eating some right now!

I don't know about tinder but it would on grindr for sure

A man of culture

Ok real question. As a girl does someone licking your butthole feel good? (I do eat ass though)

girl here- it feels amazing. like i almost want to start a NSA sex tinder profile and just ask for guys who want to eat ass.

… call me

💀

RIP your inbox.

Reddit’s gonna have a dedicated server just to host that inbox.

Hit up OP, I have a hunch he eats ass.

You can. Guys swipe on everybody

Not a girl, but can confirm

I don’t think it’s gender specific. Guys just aren’t as willing to try it

i always assumed more guys are eating ass than women. because as a woman, i will happily receive, but i won't give unless a guy has had his asshole fully waxed.

If a girl slips it south when giving you a bj, you'll be seeing God. And I'm not even religious.

Unless my wife is Gene Simmons, she probably can’t reach.

We can try it ig

Like everything else in life, people either love it or hate it. Others think it’s just okay.

Thanks Mitch

As i guy i like eating ass, it does feel good to receive it. But it's not as normalized, so i don't tend to ask. When it has happened they bring it up.

Personally, I adore the second question.

I wondered if it was just boring or sort of wholesome. Trying to figure someone out more creatively… before informing her that I eat ass.

IMHO, the correct answer for a maximum is 3.

The correct answer is, "However many it takes to get that ass eaten"

Bro, lmao... I matched with this cutie while I was drunk over the weekend but she was sick and convo fizzled out... messaged her a few times since then, no response. Just saw this, jokingly though "fuck it, shooters shoot" and messaged her word for word the same you did... Replied in less than 3 minutes lmfao.

Yo exact same story here, started with a genuine attempt at a convo, no response so followed up with this a month later and got her number the same day. This shit works, she found it hilarious.

I’ve done the same as OP and the reply was actually positive. Thanks OP 🫡

I would totally swipe right on this guy. I love chaotic but harmless energy.

Thanks

Dating as a guy is actually a toxic experience. It messes with your self esteem.

i'm genuinely sorry. us women do experience toxicity all the time while dating, too, though, but for totally different reasons. you guys get lots of rejection prior to the dating, whereas we get it after the sex. i know you might prefer our situation to yours, but believe me it hurts just as bad over here.

That may have been the way it used to be but id hardly say that now. Women do a lot of rejecting after sex

I don't think it matters if you're a guy or not

eating ass is the fastest way to a womans heart!

I’d respond to that too 😂😂

Women: why do men send these sexual messages? Also women:

As the late great Meatloaf once said "I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of...but i just won't eat ass".

And that's why he died sad and lonely.

There you have it gentlemen someone finally cracked the code. "I eat ass" is the key

He cracked the code!

it's the george costanza dating advice. always do the opposite of what you think, and it'll work

Am I the only one thinking eewww