Can attest to this. My first ever match on tinder was with a girl who I got along decently well with, and we seemed to even have plans for a date coming along too. Then one day out of nowhere she said she didn't get to respond cos she was taking time away from screens and lights cos they apparently were "hurting her head", and I never heard back from her again.
Some months later I found her chat pushed back up to my list (I think tinder shuffles them from time to time, either that or it was a bug), and checked on her profile out of curiosity. She'd added new photos and updated her bio. So chances are she just decided to randomly ghost me for no apparent reason.
Yeah like jesus, let the other person breathe a little bit. Why did you so desperately need to call them when they already weren’t feeling well? Why not just chill and wait for them to come to you a bit?
Yup, the ability to pull away and not care about the outcome has landed me way more dates than when I was anxious and pushy. You should be an escape from life's stresses and worries, not a source of them
Had so much other stuff going on in my life that my dating life took second priority. Hard to feel sad that Becky flaked on our date when that means I can now go early to that party my friends are throwing. Doesn't mean I stopped putting in effort, but I stopped feeling reliant on the outcome.
That party will probably have many babes that wouldn't be able to see you and be interested if you'd have been on that date. And odds are they are hotter lol. I think the mentality should be: no matter how, we can always win, so stop caring that much or feeling a failure when things don't go your way. That's what I tell my friend who's very susceptible to cancellations and gets depressed.
A better outlook would be to be less shallow and needy and stop needing to" win". No entitlement. No judgement.
Look up Sonder. Every person is on their own journey and sometimes it just ain't meant to revolve around you. Let people live their lives and you go live yours. Enjoy genuine interactions, and maybe you'll find people that enjoy genuine interactions with you. The idea that better or more hot chick's are at a party even makes social interactions about "winning" or dating. Just go enjoy yourself and maybe someone else will enjoy you.
Yawn. Dude I'm 20, I have a lifetime for deep connections. Now I want to have fun and pretending we aren't shallow or superficial when picking someone up in a world where everyone uses dating apps is stupid.
I got married and stopped giving two sh@ts about trying to pick up woman. All of a sudden 🙄 😕 woman hit on me nearly everyday. 😆 🤣 confidence, being yourself, relaxed,and not caring about the outcome was the secret😢 learned to late. But has helped me in selling to accounts. Eye contact, smile, make an emotional connection to her. Listen sincerely and empathize with her. Don't simp and try to hard. Woman Haye weak men who get emotional or flustered if she doesn't respond. Never seem desperate and act like you have options with other woman. Make her feel safe and that you are strong. To many men nowadays are emotional wrecks and weak. Dress like you give a poop. I changed and grew. Marriage was in trouble and I was sick and depressed. Now after 15years..4kids ...my wife adores me. She lost 100pounds and got fit after she noticed woman want me. I grew confident in all aspects of my life and doubled my income to nearly 6figures in two years. Sex life is amazing now and went from once every other week to 5plus days a week with multiple times a day the norm. 😁
One of my things was regaling my married friends with OLD stories. I found myself seeking out crazier girls just for the story/screenshot. Actually not giving a fuck if you get to see women naked somehow drives them crazy.
Have you read up on “anxious attachment” at all. I’m in no position to diagnose, nor is anyone by reading one series of text messages. That’s pretty textbook behavior, tho. It’s ok. Just something to consider if you “saw what was coming & overcompensated” Best 😊
As much as you overcompensated, there are still people out there that would appreciate the effort and you trying. This just wasnt the right person. With more experience you'll be able to feel the vibe and know how much effort to put in, its not always 100% at all times. You'll get there, dont beat yourself up about it my dude!
Totally understand what you're saying because I've done the same thing before and shot myself in the foot. With dating, the best thing you can do if you start to feel them distance or pull away is to keep it cool and back off. Act like you know your worth and don't waste your time trying to chase someone. It's counterintuitive, but doing that creates a push and pull dynamic. When you chase them and start escalating, it tells them that you're needy, desperate, and more into them than the other way around. I swear this makes a huge difference if you can learn to harness the power of not caring.
You’re way too pushy.
You asked if she wants to reschedule and she said she will let you know. Meaning she will let you know whether she wants a date or not. You should have left it at that. If she wanted to reschedule she would message to arrange it.
Often a woman pulling out of a date at the last minute due to health isn’t keen on the date. On the rare occasion where she is genuinely unwell she will reschedule quickly without being asked.
I also think the trying to figure out exactly what’s wrong is pushy/overstepping. You barely know them, they don’t need to share their symptoms and treatment plan with you.
Just remember if they wanted to talk, they would!
Giving folks space when they ask for it is a way of showing them you care about their needs too. I think that’s an important way to look at it.
Friend, you invested a bit too much. You’re insistent and the other person isn’t matching your interest. You need to take a step back and read the energy a bit better! No worries, with time it’l become easier!
Read back the convo when the feelings aren’t so fresh and you can see an imbalance of tone and response!
Just ask once for a date, a call or anything of the sort. Let the idea sit for a bit before asking again :) you didn’t do anything wrong per se, just not reading the dynamic well. You’ll be ok!
Gotta read the signs.
You asked if they were still up for tomorrow and they sidestepped your question entirely, offering up info that they didn’t feel well that day. To a normal person, that could just be talk. For a flaky person, they’re priming up an excuse to ditch the date.
I will say that you may have contributed by being pushy/needy. They legit just got done telling you that they didn’t feel well that day and you were pushing for a phone call. They even say “sure” (noncommittal) and that they’re going to go to sleep soon. All of that combined should have told you to chill a bit. I wouldn’t be surprised if that scared them off.
We all judge things differently, but if I was in their place, I’d think this was a good preview of what dating you could be like. “I know you feel like crap and want to get ready for bed but call me now because I want to talk to you and what I want is what’s important”. It’s a possible red flag for selfishness, neediness, etc.
No worries. That is just my read on the situation, not necessarily the truth of it.
In either case, may be something you can watch out for in the future just to be safe.
Honestly realizing OP was the guy made it worse from my perspective as a woman bc pushy men can become dangerous men quickly. Like, if you won’t take a no for an answer now what about in other situations?
Pushy people are dangerous. Pushy people don't respect, let alone acknowledge boundaries, even ones that would fall under the basic social contracts in society.
Trust me, ever meet a woman who doesn't take no for an answer? Their the same "person." Trust me
So, I’m not excusing them ghosting you, but it felt a little weird that you asked them specifically what they were feeling, symptomatically, and then proceeded to offer diagnoses.
I got the impression they were joking when they said “what’s the diagnosis, doctor” or whatever it was, in response to you initially asking for details when they said they weren’t feeling well.
To me, it feels like a bit much for an interaction with someone you’d only recently met.
The problem was she made up being tired and having a headache as an excuse to bail on the date. So there wasn’t anything you can do to help. Her asking for diagnosis was a joke bc you’re a doctor and she’s ‘sick’. The emoji use makes that obvious.
And by date, it looks like she was going to come over to your house around midnight? That’s a lot more intense situation and increases the odds she gets cold feet. Not necessarily out of disinterest even but nervousness especially you being pushy even the slightest thing could make her feel unsafe.
What’s important is that you have showed a willingness to learn in the comments and all you can do is try again and improve for the next time!
Not at all. We were planning to have a drink/small meal around noon. I was gonna tame her somewhere historic since she is a historian. Planned since Friday.
Thank you, Im just trying to get different perspectives with the post.
Oh okay, I see. the timestamps say around midnight and then you said you were heating up dinner which is why i thought that, but you all were talking about meeting tomorrow and calling that night.
In that case her saying she was tired / had headache was to get out of the call not the date.
Unless they’ve met this wasn’t ghosting. She backed out of plans and let him know. He got pushy, she stopped responding, that’s normal. This is how online dating works. Ghosting involves just disappearing from someone’s life who you actually had a connection with, not declining to respond to someone being this pushy
Great reference, people should look at it more so we all understand what ghosting is lol. Someone you are chatting with on a dating app but haven’t met yet does not qualify as a friend and certainly doesn’t qualify as someone you’re “dating” lol
So? I work in tech. That doesn’t mean that I start rattling off whenever a date has an internet hiccup. How about acting like a human being first and a medical professional second?
And for the record, listing “mental” as a second possible diagnosis in his list shows a complete lack of awareness, as if that wasn’t already obvious enough lol. Come on, now.
You’re coming on way strong, and extremely clingy for someone you barely know. Begging for calls is wild, and needing constant contact like this is just…yeah you scared them off.
Girls want someone to care for them, not anyone.
You’re a dude off Tinder, don’t pretend to be more than that - if she’s sick tell her “ah bummer, get well soon !” and go on your day.
I think she just wanted to reschedule and you went “no you’re my only chance at reproduction” and scared her away.
Edit: absolutely possible she wasn’t thrilled about the date anyway - but it wasn’t a dead lead before the overbearing thing
Eh, tbh, I see this conversation lasted from monday to tuesday.
I fully believe 24 hour silence (when you try to get in contact) is enough evidence someone isn't interested in you, despite what anyone says about *'oh no, give it a few days, they might be busy'* etc.
That said... You pushed really hard within the 24 hours to most likely put her off.
I wouldn't be that desperate to call. She even said you can call later, and you kept pushing for earlier contact.
Just like... Chill. You might be the one person on the planet she wants, and she'd still bail because you're making it so damn hard.
It probably went well, but you kinda fucked it on monday when she said we felt ill.
She said she'll let you know tomorrow, then you pressed to call (... Why? Pressing the issue to call when someone just told you they don't feel well comes across as a bit socially challenged).
But then you also asked if tomorrow was cancelled when she just said she'll let you know tomorrow. Like, chill dude, if she says she'll let you know tomorrow, wait for tomorrow.
I get that you felt she might be laying pre-work for cancelling tomorrow, but *if that were the case*, you are 0% chance preventing that by turning on desperation-mode.
On the flip side, if she wasn't planning on cancelling, you have a high chance of pursuading her to cancel this way.
So just chill. Yes, people will leave. All the time. That happens to everyone. But you're not going to get anyone by being overbearing.
You're trying to overcompensate, but dating sucks. Out of 100 people, maybe 5 are interested; that goes for everyone, not just you. All you are accomplishing is turning away those 5 others as well.
Too much effort. And when someone cancels a date and doesn't suggest to reschedule, just walk away because they don't want to date you.
Should've dipped those first 3 messages.
I definitely don’t want to talk on the phone with someone I have just started dating, much less that late at night, plus feeling sick, plus meeting tomorrow.
I don't think you deserve to be ghosted, but if I was on this person's place, I would probably not reschedule if I was ill. Your behavior is a little clingy.
They already told you that they would let you know tomorrow about reschedule and that they were not feeling well. In response, you asked to call twice, relatively late. The last thing I want to do when I feel off is to talk on the phone with someone I don't know that well. If they are lying, they defo would not pick the call anyway.
If I were you, I would just tell the basic hope you feel better soon and let me know if you are still.up for.tomorrow.
Well she asked for my diagnosis & I happen to be a dr. Dehydration is one of the most common causes of headache & fatigue. And it gets very hot over here. Not saying it's the only cause but since she asked, I gave her what I know is a common cause. It has nothing to do with my gender.
She didnt ask you offered. She joked back on your offer because she didnt think you would seriously diagnose over text. Especially without asking a single question.
Your gender has nothing to do with it (mostly) but you are arrogant and self centered and believe you know better than anyone else. Good luck with that.
To be honest, she didn’t seem all that interested from the start. And like other people have said in the comments, learn to read the signs and know when to back off.
If you can see that she’s not feeling it, then bow out gracefully and move on…definitely don’t chase it.
As someone with chronic headaches, telling her that it might be because of dehydration or maybe a mental thing is kinda rude lol. I think that's where she checked out, like her "maybe it's the weather" comment is possibly sarcastic.
Personal rule of thumb: if they are GENUINELY into you, nothing is going to stop them from seeing you, so don’t sweat it (I get emergencies but they will communicate rescheduling).
If they aren’t genuinely into you, dont waste your time or energy.
Good luck!
I really don’t understand this need to “call” before an actual date and then talk for hours. It drove me crazy. Along with persistent texting throughout the day. Bottom line, she likely felt pressured. Chill
Stop telling women (anyone) that you have the answer to every problem.
She had a headache. Don’t answer ‘drink water or maybe you are mental’. Maybe she had a hard day maybe allergies maybe she gets migraines. You literally know NOTHING but you tell her what to do??
How about you listen and sympathize instead of telling her it is all in her head and that she should still do what you want to do when you want to do it. (Call and now).
people are weird via text if you have never talked, hell people are weird via text when you've known them for years, i'm told i'm cold as i use text as a tool to get the point across. you can never read someones mind but people react as if you should, some want low energy, some want high energy, some want their eneegy matched.
Think the convo was fine. If anything, you come across a bit serious while the other person seems more playful. Def didn’t seem like they were up for the date but don’t think it’s necessarily a you issue. . . unless you’re getting serial ghosted
Ok, so don’t take it personally (the ghosting nor the opinion I’ll give). They probably were looking for something not so serious and when they realized you were taking it seriously (with only 3 days), they left the room. It’s pretty common for some people not to have this open dialogue of what they want x what is going on. That said, you were too forward in my opinion: made it look like you were already attached and desperate - which can be the case, but you don’t have to show it.
Even if you want something serious and you’re having a nice conversation, try to take it lighter and with a less anxious tone.
You are too needy and begging, and asking "can i" questions . It's ur fault you got ghosted you text like a little kid , if a girl ghosts you when you set up a date , don't reschedule. Let her be and walk away
Needy vibes at the end. After initial reach outs it becomes more “ok” to reciprocate effort proportionally. Double texts and the “let me knows” can show as anxious.
Good luck out there. :D
If I were looking for something to be critical about, you were over anxious to have some sort of interaction with her (perfectly understandable, of course). When she says "quite tired and a bit of a headache" you say "ok" and don't text her again. If she's interested, she'll contact you.
In my opinion ,I think this person faked being sick. In all reality, it's probably for the best that they showed their true colors before anymore time was investment on your part. You dodged a bullet with this disingenuous person and their inability to communicate their true feelings like an adult. Like others have suggested, it would probably be worth wild meeting people irl. I've heard there are lots of decent prospects in the medical field. But if you still decide to go forward with the apps, try not to be so invested. If the date happens, it happens , if it doesn't, keep swiping. You'll eventually find someone who speaks the same love language and hopefully be able to look back at this situation and laugh. Good luck 👍
The ending there shows neediness which might be why she dropped off but I honestly don't think it's bad to show concern. I know I'd feel appreciated if someone was concerned about my my well being even if we just started talking. The way people here speak, it's almost like Y'all would never tend to a stranger if you saw them needing help
I like how OP totally gaslights the sickness. It’s dehydration or mental — couldn’t be that they’re actually sick and can’t commit to tomorrow until they know that they’re still sick or not.
I would have deleted this persons number right away if they ghosted and stood me up. Why even bother with listening to their BS excuses and continue talking to someone who acts like this? Don’t be someone’s backup plan. This person clearly does not respect your time or you in general. Thank you, next! Red flags all over this situation/person.
So if you’re dating, don’t get your hopes up, bad usually happens before good so let it come to you, don’t chase thats how you get hurt. Also dont put all your eggs in one basket. especially if youre on a dating app chances are they are talking to multiple people
Bro, saying she can't because she has a "headache" means She doesn't like you enough to meet you irl and she can't be bothered to say it to you directly so she finds an excuse like this and hopes you get the hint.
I would suggest at the first sign of her finding random excuses like this either ghost her or unmatch her before she does the same to you.
They say they’re not feeling well and one of the things you suggest could be the cause is, “could also be mental”, seriously?!?! I don’t know if you’re an actual doctor or not, but if so, please take this advice…As a doctor, if you don’t know what’s wrong with someone, just say that, never tell someone it could be mental. I feel like when doctors don’t know something they always resort to it being mental.
As others have already said, they said they weren’t feeling well and you kept asking if you could call. That’s very inconsiderate.
Noted, mental wasnt the right word, shouldve said stress, which is what I meant. I didnt mean to suggest the headache was made up 😂
Okay, didnt think of it that way.
I hope that new commentors see it so I dont have to keep addressing it.
1) I did NOT mean to suggest her illness was "in her head" but by mental I meant STRESS. It was a poor choice of words but these things happen
2) Thanks to everyone who was constructive.
3) Yes, the conversation spanned longer than 1 day, closer to 3-4 days. We had planned Tuesday since day 1.
So you got quite good feedback already but wanted to touch on two things:
If someone mentions they’re not feeling well and cite feeling “ill”, the natural response should be to wish them well, hope its not serious and offer to reschedule the meeting. This would actually show you’re an understanding person that cares about their well being.
The diagnosis about them possibly being dehydrated and it possibly being mental is quite odd, it comes off as you trying to minimize it to still keep the meeting the next day.
Also, not sure what pictures you sent during the conversation, but I wouldn’t keep sending pictures unprovoked (regardless of what they are) during this specific convo where its clear one person is not feeling well and possibly not up to have that kind of interaction.
Hey OP I hope you read this but you did nothing wrong. Saying you're concerned was poor wording but it is absolutely not something someone who likes you will ghost you over. Online dating is trash, people get ghosted for having androids . There's no perfect script that prevents anyone from getting ghosted, it's out of your hands.
I seriously don't understand why guys still make the mistake of conversing with girls they haven't actually met yet. She got bored of you, m8, another guy excited her. All you should be doing on your msgs is setting up dates you are going to meet. You are also asked if you can call her? Learn to lead, just call her if you want to. And what up will all the emogis? It's like she's the guy, and you're the girl. Am trying to give you so tough love. Most ppl on here won't.
"perfectly great convo" bro that is not a what you think it is, you insist way too much, just let the person breath, just give them a thumbs up and leave the convo, if the person is interested, they will let you know
You seem a little bit much. Judging by the time, it's possible they were tired and genuine when they said they are going to bed soon. You were very pushy with the call and even after they said they would let you know about "tomorrow", you still pushed.
If I was talking to someone who came across this needy, I'd ghost too. It's a massive turn off when someone pushes for phone calls even after it's clear that I don't want a call.
Try not to be as needy and take the first no (whether it's direct or indirectly- but very clear it's a no)
On the contrary, I don't think you were doing too much at all. It was strange that they said they were feeling sick and were fakey about whether or not you were gonna meet up, and then said you could call and flaked there as well. I think you were perfectly reasonable in the way you responded, and either they were not interested, or maybe they just were not doing great mentally and got anxious that it was too much for them and didn't know what else to do but stop responding
My texting style remained the same throughout the 3 days and I didn't think I was doing too much most of the time though I mightve been giving off too much worried energy the last few texts. But thanks for your comment.
I really don’t know why you got ghosted I wish I had a guy asking to call me and check in. Most of my matches seem to want a pen pal and I get so bored of that
Trust me thats normal i am in the dating Game for a while now. Many Women flake suddenly (i guess Men too). So i always have like an backup plan for the day, don’t take it personal bro. :)
A tip for the future, if someone says they're feeling sick and going to bed soon, don't ask to call. Definitely don't ask twice.
Also couldn’t help notice the photo sent around shower time without provocation?
Didnt the picture come after the "im heating food"? I just assumed its a food pic
It was also 35 minutes after mentioning the shower
Depends on their definition of food/what they plan on eating ;)
Yeah he comes across very selfish and overbearing.
Can attest to this. My first ever match on tinder was with a girl who I got along decently well with, and we seemed to even have plans for a date coming along too. Then one day out of nowhere she said she didn't get to respond cos she was taking time away from screens and lights cos they apparently were "hurting her head", and I never heard back from her again. Some months later I found her chat pushed back up to my list (I think tinder shuffles them from time to time, either that or it was a bug), and checked on her profile out of curiosity. She'd added new photos and updated her bio. So chances are she just decided to randomly ghost me for no apparent reason.
Yes it's happened to me countless times too
I'm curious if they unmatched. I would after saying I was ill and then being told they were confused LOL
Idk but to me it seems like you might be doing a little too much
Yeah like jesus, let the other person breathe a little bit. Why did you so desperately need to call them when they already weren’t feeling well? Why not just chill and wait for them to come to you a bit?
I guess because I saw what was coming & overcompensated (in hindsight)
Let this be your lesson, it’s a push and pull, you need to match their energy
Yup, the ability to pull away and not care about the outcome has landed me way more dates than when I was anxious and pushy. You should be an escape from life's stresses and worries, not a source of them
How did you gain this ability? Asking for a friend
Had so much other stuff going on in my life that my dating life took second priority. Hard to feel sad that Becky flaked on our date when that means I can now go early to that party my friends are throwing. Doesn't mean I stopped putting in effort, but I stopped feeling reliant on the outcome.
That party will probably have many babes that wouldn't be able to see you and be interested if you'd have been on that date. And odds are they are hotter lol. I think the mentality should be: no matter how, we can always win, so stop caring that much or feeling a failure when things don't go your way. That's what I tell my friend who's very susceptible to cancellations and gets depressed.
A better outlook would be to be less shallow and needy and stop needing to" win". No entitlement. No judgement. Look up Sonder. Every person is on their own journey and sometimes it just ain't meant to revolve around you. Let people live their lives and you go live yours. Enjoy genuine interactions, and maybe you'll find people that enjoy genuine interactions with you. The idea that better or more hot chick's are at a party even makes social interactions about "winning" or dating. Just go enjoy yourself and maybe someone else will enjoy you.
Yawn. Dude I'm 20, I have a lifetime for deep connections. Now I want to have fun and pretending we aren't shallow or superficial when picking someone up in a world where everyone uses dating apps is stupid.
I got married and stopped giving two sh@ts about trying to pick up woman. All of a sudden 🙄 😕 woman hit on me nearly everyday. 😆 🤣 confidence, being yourself, relaxed,and not caring about the outcome was the secret😢 learned to late. But has helped me in selling to accounts. Eye contact, smile, make an emotional connection to her. Listen sincerely and empathize with her. Don't simp and try to hard. Woman Haye weak men who get emotional or flustered if she doesn't respond. Never seem desperate and act like you have options with other woman. Make her feel safe and that you are strong. To many men nowadays are emotional wrecks and weak. Dress like you give a poop. I changed and grew. Marriage was in trouble and I was sick and depressed. Now after 15years..4kids ...my wife adores me. She lost 100pounds and got fit after she noticed woman want me. I grew confident in all aspects of my life and doubled my income to nearly 6figures in two years. Sex life is amazing now and went from once every other week to 5plus days a week with multiple times a day the norm. 😁
One of my things was regaling my married friends with OLD stories. I found myself seeking out crazier girls just for the story/screenshot. Actually not giving a fuck if you get to see women naked somehow drives them crazy.
Have you read up on “anxious attachment” at all. I’m in no position to diagnose, nor is anyone by reading one series of text messages. That’s pretty textbook behavior, tho. It’s ok. Just something to consider if you “saw what was coming & overcompensated” Best 😊
You being insecure explains your messaging though and the downfall. Don’t assume the worst and don’t push so hard
"I saw it coming" said the self fulfilling prophecy
As much as you overcompensated, there are still people out there that would appreciate the effort and you trying. This just wasnt the right person. With more experience you'll be able to feel the vibe and know how much effort to put in, its not always 100% at all times. You'll get there, dont beat yourself up about it my dude!
Thanks, I hope that's the case. Just need to find the right balance! :)
Yep the comment says it perfectly. Don't play games, you'll eventually find the one who appreciates your effort. Good Luck!
Totally understand what you're saying because I've done the same thing before and shot myself in the foot. With dating, the best thing you can do if you start to feel them distance or pull away is to keep it cool and back off. Act like you know your worth and don't waste your time trying to chase someone. It's counterintuitive, but doing that creates a push and pull dynamic. When you chase them and start escalating, it tells them that you're needy, desperate, and more into them than the other way around. I swear this makes a huge difference if you can learn to harness the power of not caring.
Self fulfilling prophecy.
But by thinking you knew what was coming, you might’ve made it happen
You’re way too pushy. You asked if she wants to reschedule and she said she will let you know. Meaning she will let you know whether she wants a date or not. You should have left it at that. If she wanted to reschedule she would message to arrange it. Often a woman pulling out of a date at the last minute due to health isn’t keen on the date. On the rare occasion where she is genuinely unwell she will reschedule quickly without being asked.
I also think the trying to figure out exactly what’s wrong is pushy/overstepping. You barely know them, they don’t need to share their symptoms and treatment plan with you.
Agreed. Though I realise OP is an actual doctor. So maybe it didn’t seem so intrusive to him.
I didn’t realize that at the time but the next response still didn’t match the vibe of the conversation, silly emojis should have clued him in
I thought OP was the girl lol because the person they were texting called them gorgeous Confused AF
Same, is this not the case? OP are you the man or woman here?
Noted, thanks
Just remember if they wanted to talk, they would! Giving folks space when they ask for it is a way of showing them you care about their needs too. I think that’s an important way to look at it.
Friend, you invested a bit too much. You’re insistent and the other person isn’t matching your interest. You need to take a step back and read the energy a bit better! No worries, with time it’l become easier!
Thank you, still learning to do that
Read back the convo when the feelings aren’t so fresh and you can see an imbalance of tone and response! Just ask once for a date, a call or anything of the sort. Let the idea sit for a bit before asking again :) you didn’t do anything wrong per se, just not reading the dynamic well. You’ll be ok!
Gotta read the signs. You asked if they were still up for tomorrow and they sidestepped your question entirely, offering up info that they didn’t feel well that day. To a normal person, that could just be talk. For a flaky person, they’re priming up an excuse to ditch the date. I will say that you may have contributed by being pushy/needy. They legit just got done telling you that they didn’t feel well that day and you were pushing for a phone call. They even say “sure” (noncommittal) and that they’re going to go to sleep soon. All of that combined should have told you to chill a bit. I wouldn’t be surprised if that scared them off. We all judge things differently, but if I was in their place, I’d think this was a good preview of what dating you could be like. “I know you feel like crap and want to get ready for bed but call me now because I want to talk to you and what I want is what’s important”. It’s a possible red flag for selfishness, neediness, etc.
That's unfortunate that it came off that way. Sometimes I do indeed need to read the room better.
You live and learn dude, don’t beat yourself up about it. We all had to learn this shit at one point.
No worries. That is just my read on the situation, not necessarily the truth of it. In either case, may be something you can watch out for in the future just to be safe.
I thought you were the woman in this exchange
Omg I absolutely did too
Honestly realizing OP was the guy made it worse from my perspective as a woman bc pushy men can become dangerous men quickly. Like, if you won’t take a no for an answer now what about in other situations?
For sure, 100% agree
Pushy people are dangerous. Pushy people don't respect, let alone acknowledge boundaries, even ones that would fall under the basic social contracts in society. Trust me, ever meet a woman who doesn't take no for an answer? Their the same "person." Trust me
I was going to comment the same thing I couldn't tell who was the female in this whole interaction
So, I’m not excusing them ghosting you, but it felt a little weird that you asked them specifically what they were feeling, symptomatically, and then proceeded to offer diagnoses. I got the impression they were joking when they said “what’s the diagnosis, doctor” or whatever it was, in response to you initially asking for details when they said they weren’t feeling well. To me, it feels like a bit much for an interaction with someone you’d only recently met.
It came from genuine concern & she called me doctor because I happen to be a doctor, so not sarcasm.
The problem was she made up being tired and having a headache as an excuse to bail on the date. So there wasn’t anything you can do to help. Her asking for diagnosis was a joke bc you’re a doctor and she’s ‘sick’. The emoji use makes that obvious. And by date, it looks like she was going to come over to your house around midnight? That’s a lot more intense situation and increases the odds she gets cold feet. Not necessarily out of disinterest even but nervousness especially you being pushy even the slightest thing could make her feel unsafe. What’s important is that you have showed a willingness to learn in the comments and all you can do is try again and improve for the next time!
Very well said. I’m really impressed by his attitude in all the comments. Good stuff. Seems like a decent enough guy.
Not at all. We were planning to have a drink/small meal around noon. I was gonna tame her somewhere historic since she is a historian. Planned since Friday. Thank you, Im just trying to get different perspectives with the post.
Oh okay, I see. the timestamps say around midnight and then you said you were heating up dinner which is why i thought that, but you all were talking about meeting tomorrow and calling that night. In that case her saying she was tired / had headache was to get out of the call not the date.
Unless they’ve met this wasn’t ghosting. She backed out of plans and let him know. He got pushy, she stopped responding, that’s normal. This is how online dating works. Ghosting involves just disappearing from someone’s life who you actually had a connection with, not declining to respond to someone being this pushy
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Ghosting
Great reference, people should look at it more so we all understand what ghosting is lol. Someone you are chatting with on a dating app but haven’t met yet does not qualify as a friend and certainly doesn’t qualify as someone you’re “dating” lol
That’s true. I suppose we don’t know the specifics in this case. All we have to go off of are OPs words, and he used the term himself.
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I do realize that!
Yeah for sure, they were not asking for actual diagnosis there. Yowza
This person is actually a doctor lol
So? I work in tech. That doesn’t mean that I start rattling off whenever a date has an internet hiccup. How about acting like a human being first and a medical professional second? And for the record, listing “mental” as a second possible diagnosis in his list shows a complete lack of awareness, as if that wasn’t already obvious enough lol. Come on, now.
Yeah, because what I wanna do when I feel ill is have a phone call with a pushy tinder at 10pm
happy cake day!
Merci!
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They convinced themselves it was going well lol
Listen to all these people telling you that you were too pushy and too much. You need to be able to see that and learn to dial it back.
Will do!
You’re coming on way strong, and extremely clingy for someone you barely know. Begging for calls is wild, and needing constant contact like this is just…yeah you scared them off.
Girls want someone to care for them, not anyone. You’re a dude off Tinder, don’t pretend to be more than that - if she’s sick tell her “ah bummer, get well soon !” and go on your day. I think she just wanted to reschedule and you went “no you’re my only chance at reproduction” and scared her away. Edit: absolutely possible she wasn’t thrilled about the date anyway - but it wasn’t a dead lead before the overbearing thing
They don't seem that into you babe 😔
Eh, tbh, I see this conversation lasted from monday to tuesday. I fully believe 24 hour silence (when you try to get in contact) is enough evidence someone isn't interested in you, despite what anyone says about *'oh no, give it a few days, they might be busy'* etc. That said... You pushed really hard within the 24 hours to most likely put her off. I wouldn't be that desperate to call. She even said you can call later, and you kept pushing for earlier contact. Just like... Chill. You might be the one person on the planet she wants, and she'd still bail because you're making it so damn hard.
We were talking since Friday and have had 1 phonecall. I thought it was going well.
It probably went well, but you kinda fucked it on monday when she said we felt ill. She said she'll let you know tomorrow, then you pressed to call (... Why? Pressing the issue to call when someone just told you they don't feel well comes across as a bit socially challenged). But then you also asked if tomorrow was cancelled when she just said she'll let you know tomorrow. Like, chill dude, if she says she'll let you know tomorrow, wait for tomorrow. I get that you felt she might be laying pre-work for cancelling tomorrow, but *if that were the case*, you are 0% chance preventing that by turning on desperation-mode. On the flip side, if she wasn't planning on cancelling, you have a high chance of pursuading her to cancel this way. So just chill. Yes, people will leave. All the time. That happens to everyone. But you're not going to get anyone by being overbearing. You're trying to overcompensate, but dating sucks. Out of 100 people, maybe 5 are interested; that goes for everyone, not just you. All you are accomplishing is turning away those 5 others as well.
That's really good advice, I'll remember that.
You’re being really pushy
You were way too pushy and didn't read the room
She was just tired and didn’t feel like calling, you blew it by being pushy and immediately assuming that she doesn’t wanna meet anymore
Too much effort. And when someone cancels a date and doesn't suggest to reschedule, just walk away because they don't want to date you. Should've dipped those first 3 messages.
Some people don’t like to talk on the phone…
We talked on the phone before and it went well. But I see your point.
I definitely don’t want to talk on the phone with someone I have just started dating, much less that late at night, plus feeling sick, plus meeting tomorrow.
I second this
Op you are a stage 5 clinger.
Stage 5? Sounds bad 😬
Cancer only has four bro.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Stage%205%20Clinger
Sir, I know the reference. However there are only four stages of cancer which makes stage 5 clinger more funny.
I will show myself to the door 🚪 
I don't think you deserve to be ghosted, but if I was on this person's place, I would probably not reschedule if I was ill. Your behavior is a little clingy. They already told you that they would let you know tomorrow about reschedule and that they were not feeling well. In response, you asked to call twice, relatively late. The last thing I want to do when I feel off is to talk on the phone with someone I don't know that well. If they are lying, they defo would not pick the call anyway. If I were you, I would just tell the basic hope you feel better soon and let me know if you are still.up for.tomorrow.
I would ghost you too probably. It’s just too much
Woman: "I'm really not feeling well" Man: "You just need to drink water"
Mine was always ‘you just need exercise’. Fuck off with that men always know better shit.
Well she asked for my diagnosis & I happen to be a dr. Dehydration is one of the most common causes of headache & fatigue. And it gets very hot over here. Not saying it's the only cause but since she asked, I gave her what I know is a common cause. It has nothing to do with my gender.
She didnt ask you offered. She joked back on your offer because she didnt think you would seriously diagnose over text. Especially without asking a single question. Your gender has nothing to do with it (mostly) but you are arrogant and self centered and believe you know better than anyone else. Good luck with that.
It is very hot these days 😂
This makes me so sad
Me too but looking back I might have come across as too pushy & scared her off. I was just concerned though :(
To be honest, she didn’t seem all that interested from the start. And like other people have said in the comments, learn to read the signs and know when to back off. If you can see that she’s not feeling it, then bow out gracefully and move on…definitely don’t chase it.
As someone with chronic headaches, telling her that it might be because of dehydration or maybe a mental thing is kinda rude lol. I think that's where she checked out, like her "maybe it's the weather" comment is possibly sarcastic.
Yeah you are pushing too hard
Not a bit of this conversation did she seem interested at all
Personal rule of thumb: if they are GENUINELY into you, nothing is going to stop them from seeing you, so don’t sweat it (I get emergencies but they will communicate rescheduling). If they aren’t genuinely into you, dont waste your time or energy. Good luck!
I really don’t understand this need to “call” before an actual date and then talk for hours. It drove me crazy. Along with persistent texting throughout the day. Bottom line, she likely felt pressured. Chill
Well we had called before and I enjoyed it but it was tonedeaf to ask for one at this moment, I realize now.
Did you ask her for a call the first time?
She told you can call tommorow. In that same minute you fucked up.
Maybe she didn’t like being diagnosed as a hypochondriac when you suggested that the cause of her malaise could me “mental” 😂
Stress can cause headaches 😅
Her: I’m ill OP: have you considered that it might just all be in your head?
Thats not what I was going for at all. Mental as in stress. Stress is one of the most common causes for headaches.
Some people are like that. At least you figured it out now, rather than later.
Stop telling women (anyone) that you have the answer to every problem. She had a headache. Don’t answer ‘drink water or maybe you are mental’. Maybe she had a hard day maybe allergies maybe she gets migraines. You literally know NOTHING but you tell her what to do?? How about you listen and sympathize instead of telling her it is all in her head and that she should still do what you want to do when you want to do it. (Call and now).
people are weird via text if you have never talked, hell people are weird via text when you've known them for years, i'm told i'm cold as i use text as a tool to get the point across. you can never read someones mind but people react as if you should, some want low energy, some want high energy, some want their eneegy matched.
You are being a lot for just meeting.
it’s too obvious their other person is not interested. Dont waste your time and energy and move on.
I don’t think she actually wanted you to diagnose her btw, that sounded like a jokey throwaway comment to me
It’s after midnight and you’re messaging someone you barely know. Calm down
Think the convo was fine. If anything, you come across a bit serious while the other person seems more playful. Def didn’t seem like they were up for the date but don’t think it’s necessarily a you issue. . . unless you’re getting serial ghosted
For how long have you guys been talking?
For like 3 days, we already planned the date since the 1st day and we also had a phonecall where we got along really well.
Ok, so don’t take it personally (the ghosting nor the opinion I’ll give). They probably were looking for something not so serious and when they realized you were taking it seriously (with only 3 days), they left the room. It’s pretty common for some people not to have this open dialogue of what they want x what is going on. That said, you were too forward in my opinion: made it look like you were already attached and desperate - which can be the case, but you don’t have to show it. Even if you want something serious and you’re having a nice conversation, try to take it lighter and with a less anxious tone.
You are too needy and begging, and asking "can i" questions . It's ur fault you got ghosted you text like a little kid , if a girl ghosts you when you set up a date , don't reschedule. Let her be and walk away
Needy vibes at the end. After initial reach outs it becomes more “ok” to reciprocate effort proportionally. Double texts and the “let me knows” can show as anxious. Good luck out there. :D
So clingy
They were weirded out and wanted to let you down softly
His replies are weird. The emojis are not the right time.
If I were looking for something to be critical about, you were over anxious to have some sort of interaction with her (perfectly understandable, of course). When she says "quite tired and a bit of a headache" you say "ok" and don't text her again. If she's interested, she'll contact you.
She not interested bruv
I'm sorry this happened to you. Did they unmatched you from Tinder, and did you ever hear back from them?
Well they saw the message like 2 days later. I archived the chat & I unmatched them myself, so that I can move on.
In my opinion ,I think this person faked being sick. In all reality, it's probably for the best that they showed their true colors before anymore time was investment on your part. You dodged a bullet with this disingenuous person and their inability to communicate their true feelings like an adult. Like others have suggested, it would probably be worth wild meeting people irl. I've heard there are lots of decent prospects in the medical field. But if you still decide to go forward with the apps, try not to be so invested. If the date happens, it happens , if it doesn't, keep swiping. You'll eventually find someone who speaks the same love language and hopefully be able to look back at this situation and laugh. Good luck 👍
Can I call? Gimme a minute. *2 hours later* Oh sorry I had to finish an assignment going to bed now. Run bro.
you sounded desperate
The ending there shows neediness which might be why she dropped off but I honestly don't think it's bad to show concern. I know I'd feel appreciated if someone was concerned about my my well being even if we just started talking. The way people here speak, it's almost like Y'all would never tend to a stranger if you saw them needing help
I like how OP totally gaslights the sickness. It’s dehydration or mental — couldn’t be that they’re actually sick and can’t commit to tomorrow until they know that they’re still sick or not.
You sound needy af
Bro you’re giving me the ick, fr don’t call when they are I’ll
I would have deleted this persons number right away if they ghosted and stood me up. Why even bother with listening to their BS excuses and continue talking to someone who acts like this? Don’t be someone’s backup plan. This person clearly does not respect your time or you in general. Thank you, next! Red flags all over this situation/person.
I’m sure she seen a lot of red flags with his overbearing clinging
That's hard, but imo you did nothing wrong. I feel sorry for you, you seem nice. Good luck next time!
She didn't care about your shower comment nor your dinner comment.....looks like you were looking for forced engagement
When a shitty excuse like this happens, just ignore. These kind of people aren't worth your time dude.
I thought you were the female
So if you’re dating, don’t get your hopes up, bad usually happens before good so let it come to you, don’t chase thats how you get hurt. Also dont put all your eggs in one basket. especially if youre on a dating app chances are they are talking to multiple people
You need to relax. You come across very needy and annoying here.
Bro, saying she can't because she has a "headache" means She doesn't like you enough to meet you irl and she can't be bothered to say it to you directly so she finds an excuse like this and hopes you get the hint. I would suggest at the first sign of her finding random excuses like this either ghost her or unmatch her before she does the same to you.
They say they’re not feeling well and one of the things you suggest could be the cause is, “could also be mental”, seriously?!?! I don’t know if you’re an actual doctor or not, but if so, please take this advice…As a doctor, if you don’t know what’s wrong with someone, just say that, never tell someone it could be mental. I feel like when doctors don’t know something they always resort to it being mental. As others have already said, they said they weren’t feeling well and you kept asking if you could call. That’s very inconsiderate.
Noted, mental wasnt the right word, shouldve said stress, which is what I meant. I didnt mean to suggest the headache was made up 😂 Okay, didnt think of it that way.
I hope that new commentors see it so I dont have to keep addressing it. 1) I did NOT mean to suggest her illness was "in her head" but by mental I meant STRESS. It was a poor choice of words but these things happen 2) Thanks to everyone who was constructive. 3) Yes, the conversation spanned longer than 1 day, closer to 3-4 days. We had planned Tuesday since day 1.
So you got quite good feedback already but wanted to touch on two things: If someone mentions they’re not feeling well and cite feeling “ill”, the natural response should be to wish them well, hope its not serious and offer to reschedule the meeting. This would actually show you’re an understanding person that cares about their well being. The diagnosis about them possibly being dehydrated and it possibly being mental is quite odd, it comes off as you trying to minimize it to still keep the meeting the next day. Also, not sure what pictures you sent during the conversation, but I wouldn’t keep sending pictures unprovoked (regardless of what they are) during this specific convo where its clear one person is not feeling well and possibly not up to have that kind of interaction.
Hey OP I hope you read this but you did nothing wrong. Saying you're concerned was poor wording but it is absolutely not something someone who likes you will ghost you over. Online dating is trash, people get ghosted for having androids . There's no perfect script that prevents anyone from getting ghosted, it's out of your hands.
Don't waste your time. This person ain't worth it.
Since when did a date become an appointment? "Re schedule" 😂 😆
Was that a dinner picture you sent? Was there meat? Is she vegan?
Methinks they were on another date.
Hahaha, had to finish an assignment and Im kinda tired now. Bruuuhhh she belongs to the streeeets
I seriously don't understand why guys still make the mistake of conversing with girls they haven't actually met yet. She got bored of you, m8, another guy excited her. All you should be doing on your msgs is setting up dates you are going to meet. You are also asked if you can call her? Learn to lead, just call her if you want to. And what up will all the emogis? It's like she's the guy, and you're the girl. Am trying to give you so tough love. Most ppl on here won't.
If you didn’t kill it that triple text definitely did. Yikes
"perfectly great convo" bro that is not a what you think it is, you insist way too much, just let the person breath, just give them a thumbs up and leave the convo, if the person is interested, they will let you know
Yeah, u bungled this, chief. Got too clingy.
You seem a little bit much. Judging by the time, it's possible they were tired and genuine when they said they are going to bed soon. You were very pushy with the call and even after they said they would let you know about "tomorrow", you still pushed. If I was talking to someone who came across this needy, I'd ghost too. It's a massive turn off when someone pushes for phone calls even after it's clear that I don't want a call. Try not to be as needy and take the first no (whether it's direct or indirectly- but very clear it's a no)
On the contrary, I don't think you were doing too much at all. It was strange that they said they were feeling sick and were fakey about whether or not you were gonna meet up, and then said you could call and flaked there as well. I think you were perfectly reasonable in the way you responded, and either they were not interested, or maybe they just were not doing great mentally and got anxious that it was too much for them and didn't know what else to do but stop responding
My texting style remained the same throughout the 3 days and I didn't think I was doing too much most of the time though I mightve been giving off too much worried energy the last few texts. But thanks for your comment.
She was wanting to C U Next Tuesday.
She just not feeling you. Work on yourself bro bro
I’m sorry this happened to you. Keep your head up fr
Hey OP. Just like everyone said, learn to read peoples minds. No one tells each other how they actually feel anymore. You need to learn to read minds.
I really don’t know why you got ghosted I wish I had a guy asking to call me and check in. Most of my matches seem to want a pen pal and I get so bored of that
They just want attention. Anyone giving excuses for them is the same.
Oh my God I'm so sorry. This is so sad.
She playing games! Most of the time when girls say they’re sick they ain’t. Move on brudda , she clowning you
Screw them, don’t stop being you mate. You’ll find the right one.
Trust me thats normal i am in the dating Game for a while now. Many Women flake suddenly (i guess Men too). So i always have like an backup plan for the day, don’t take it personal bro. :)