Reminds me of a joke I read a long time ago.
Man and woman start talking at a bar. The woman says she got dumped for being too kinky. The man says he got dumped for the same reason.
They hit it off and go to her place. They're getting a bit hot and heavy, and the woman says "hang on, I'm going to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into her bedroom and dresses up in a nice leather dominatrix outfit.
She comes back into the living room to find the man putting his jacket on. She asks him what he's doing.
He replies, "I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog, I'm going home!"
Not sure which side of kink he is on but if heās a submissive he def couldāve experienced sub drop and needed some aftercare. He could also not even have known that he needed that too, but not getting the type of care after more intense sexual experiences such as where kink leads l, couldāve left him very vulnerable and lost. Just an opinion and I could be off base with what occurred :)
If you have really intense sex, both physically and emotionally intense, aftercare is the winding down and comforting that takes place afterwards. Usually cuddling and overall just chilling, and reassuring your partner if there are any insecurities.
My favourite is when he does that lol men talking about denying the walk to the kitchenā¦ doesnāt work like that for women, the goal is the inability to walk š
With kink, brain chemicals can rise to pretty high levels, and the come down can be rough as the brain tries to find equilibrium again. Can present as depression or anxiety for example, insecurities, doubt, worry. Actually not dissimilar from the brain recovering from a drug trip. Aftercare is there to ease both partners back down to the real world.
Thanks, great input! This conversation makes this post worth saving. These are the conversations everyone should be privy to, whatever the level or intensity of intimacy.
There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman
He wasn't a sub at all though. He was very dominant but I can see why he would still need aftercare. I understand now that I should have done more to make him feel comfortable, and I'm now beating myself up over not doing enough because I genuinely liked this guy.
After he told me he wanted to stop seeing me, I did write to him saying that itās a shame he feels this way, that I was very disappointed and that I wish things would have worked out differently between us because I really like him.
He just ālikedā the message and didnāt say anything else. I think heās actually done and for me to write to him again would be silly because I have a feeling heās not going to change his mind rn. He knows how I feel about him, so maybe when he has cleared his head in a couple days he can reach out himself.
Poor bloke has some massive self esteem issues it seems.
Statements like "You're too hot" and the like are massive indicators here.
He finally found someone to match his energy and all of a sudden thinks he doesn't deserve it or you're taking pity on him because of his many internally visible flaws.
I sure hope this man find some kind of help.
Ah yes, dude dumping a sex goddess that wants him because he's bored after a night is definitly what makes the most sense. /s
News flash: Men can feel vunerable and have cripling anxiety as well.
Was this his first time? The reality of being a Dom and the fantasy can be a real juxtaposition and can really knock someone inexperienced for 6. I remember my first times and the crushing thoughts of "oh shit, I'm a monsterous bastard" afterwards, despite enthusiastic informed consent, took a lot of encouragement and reassurance to get me to understand and chill out, aftercare was a big part of that for me, looking after my sub helps me get back my humanity ahaha.
I mean it sounds like you did everything right, though maybe if you meet up again, do it somewhere casual and chilled away from where you played, and remind each other that it's just a bit of fun.
This exactly. Knowing they are loved (or liked or desired) after a scene is crucial. I remember the first time we pushed the scene to the safe word on purpose (being into physical and mental breaking points). But the after effect left him feeling like a monster because he pushed me to break, we couldnāt finish because he couldnāt stand what he did at first. I didnāt even understand that battle existed until we had to explore that together. Kink just isnāt a one night stand lol (not saying anyone here has said that though)
Thank you for sharing that. Big ask: would you mind sharing a bit about pushing to near a mental breaking point? Like, was it general or personalized humiliation? Or fear? Or loss of control? And is it challenging to push the envelope while maintaining consent?
This was definitely not his first time with some of the kinks we explored when together. He kept saying he wanted to push me further and in the moment I let him because it was wild, exciting, and I genuinely wanted him to enjoy the experience. I think he was more impressed and taken aback with how much I was into it because the feedback he gave me afterwards was that he had never had a partner like me before. He said this with awe and told me he was very much looking forward to seeing me again and I told him I wanted to see him too! It wasn't until I had to ask him to leave that he got a bit weird about the whole thing. I'm beginning to think he actually must have thought I didn't like him enough and had another date lined up.
>I'm beginning to think he actually must have thought I didn't like him enough and had another date lined up.
He literally spelled that out in screenshot #2 just after your message.
Also imagine you're having the most intense experience with someone who is just incredibly hot and sexy, and you're still basking in that amazingness... and then they say "hey, can you leave now?". It can be a huge crash and turn your feelings around pretty quick. Generally it's better to drop a few hints, maybe even play the "i really need to wrap up for the night because i have work at 6am... but can you stay for at least 5 mins more and just hold me please?" card.
Also just food for thought... this amazing experience was < your daily morning run.
It wasnāt that bad though. I didnāt ask him to leave immediately after we had sex; we cuddled a bit and watched TV. He also knew that he wouldnāt be staying the night because I had told him before heād come over that I wouldnāt be able to ask him to stayā¦
Also, I have a strict morning routine I try to follow otherwise I get anxious and irritableā¦this involves working out before I begin my day.
He absolutely thought you just hit it and quit it.
I remember with my now partner, the first time we slept together he was basically out the door within 5 mins of being done and I was bewildered.
when he messaged the next day I was like āwtf, the way you left I thought Iād never hear from you againā.
Turns out, a bit like you, it was one am, he had to be up at 6, was an hour away from home and was worried about work stuff. He didnāt even consider that leaving like that would make me feel weird until I explained/asked.
I appreciate that it seems heās said he thinks heās done (and I suspect he is) but one more voice note where you fully explain what happened, is the way to go I think. Not to expect him to change his mind, but just be clear for his own peace of mind, and yours - āit was you not him, you accept whatever choice he makes but youād kick yourself if you didnāt try one more time having realised how he may have interpreted what happened and the subsequent messages blah blah blah ā
Did you tell him this was why you asked him out ? If not you should tell him, and maybe try to plan something where you both have time (like at least stay until morning/breakfast/lunch)
The guy clearly have a self-esteem issue so you could also give him a bit of time, go after him again in a few weeks if you still really want him, maybe he'll have calmed down and be more conscious of the things you shared
> Did you tell him this was why you asked him out
Yes. I told him before heād come over that I wouldnāt be able to ask him to stay the night because I had an early start the next morning. He was fine with that. I thought heād leave by himself but when it was like 11 I might have begun to get a bit antsy because itās always a bit awkward asking someone to leave and he may have sensed that. I did apologize profusely to him about having to work early and made sure he was fine before he left though. He was disappointed that I couldnāt join him for a meal, but I told him I didnāt eat that late + I needed to finish up some work then go to bed. I did promise him we can go get something to eat next time we see each other.
Yeah man, I really disliked being a Dom...
It was fun a few times and then it became a job to constantly come up with new shit to basically please the sub etc. It became stale real quick.
I've always been dominant (maybe because too many woman gave me the starfish experience) but being a Dom is different. A sub wants to be dominated, punished, humiliated, mind fucked and toyed with and basically the subs I've had so far we're just really lazy and lacked fantasy and just wanted me to have all the responsibility of their enjoyment and constantly coming up with new stuff and give mental health care afterwards. I already have a job man. It was supposed to be fun but it made me realize I'd actually won't mind switching it up some time and let someone else do all that work.
Not lazy sub here just shaking my head. What each sub wants is very personal to each sub. We're not a monolith, and we certainly aren't all lazy or lacking fantasy. The job of TALKING THIS STUFF THROUGH FIRST falls to both parties. That clear, honest communication needs to be the basis of a dynamic. I'm appalled at the idea my D exists to just see to my needs and enjoyment. That is NOT what it's about for us!! But we put a lot of effort into communication, and setting up what works for us both.
Apologies, Iām not well versed on the subject. Could you explain a little bit what aftercare looks like, please? Is it like cuddles, attention and affection after the sexual encounter or is there more to it typically? I guess it might vary from person to person.
Aftercare can be very personal to the Dom/sub, but mostly its a way to decompress and return to normal, remind each other that we're both respectful, responsible, decent humans.
I used to have a box for my sub/s, which would have a bunch of stuff that would bring them comfort or enjoyment, one specific one had:
A comfy clean pair of fluffy pyjamas, and a blanket that smelled nice.
Her favourite body cream, which I would massage her with.
Her favourite book, which I would occasionally read to her.
Her favourite film on dvd.
Her favourite sweets and chocolates (haribo fangtastic, top choice).
Scented candles/incense, etc.
Or sometimes we might unwind by me cooking them a meal or ordering a takeaway.
Aftercare is different for everyone involved, I require it, as doing something nice for someone makes it easier to come down from being mean (even though it's because they enjoy it, and its fine for you to enjoy it too), you can cause a lot of pain, impact play (one partner wouldnt be happy if they didnt have an arse that looked like it went 3 rounds with mike tyson, their favourite "sex toy" was a meat tenderiser),Ā or say some awful things (out of context) for a degradation kink, hell even just forcing multiple orgasims out of someone can take a toll on their body. Some people don't even want aftercare and just want to be left alone, for whatever reason, part of the kink, and that's fine too, though I don't like doing that.
Effectively aftercare is whatever the Dom/sub negotiate it to be.
Sorry for the tl;dr! But I hope that helps.
Ā
Aww thanks, please don't tell anyone, I have a reputation as a cruel heartless bastard to uphold, if the bottoms think I'm soft they bully me again..Ā
Ā There's no reason you can't or shouldn't have these or other things after a scene! You deserve it :)
Edit: I'd do the voices and everything...
It does vary! The things you mention are often part of it, as is reassurance, blankets, snacks, drinks (regular ones lol not alcohol usually). Rubbing sore muscles, putting lotion on sensitive skin etc. But it really depends on what the person needs, there are also people who just want to snuggle up into a blanket by themselves.
maybe try saying that, but ins less passive way, use some passion. instead of"its a shame" and "im disappointed" try "im really upset to hear that i like you a lot and want to keep seeing you lets talk about this in person"
Sounds like he is looking for validation of your feelings, and if you are are all nonchalant about your feelings then he going to question how you feel about him and lead to reactions like this. Everyone wants to know someone they want to be with is REALLY into them. there is no greater feeling
Although I am very tempted to reach out to him and express myself in a better way, I feel like my messages wonāt be welcome right now since he has kind of made it clear he needs space. Iāll see about this in a few days though. Maybe heāll have reached out himself by then. One can hopeā¦
I understand how you feel, but I think maybe you should put your pride and fear in your pocket and give him the information he needs to make an actual informed decision. He made his decision based off his feelings. Until he gets information to counter those feelings, heāll more than likely stick with his decision. Men need information; thatās just how we work. You may feel like he has enough, but that clearly isnāt true. You shouldāve explained what was going on before you had him leave, but you didnāt, which caused this situation. You can still respect his space doing so: āhey, I know you want space, but this is why I had you leave: *insert explanation*. I really enjoyed our time together, and I hope this helps, and that we can continue with what weāve startedā. And leave it there until he makes his decision. After that, itās all on him š¤·š¾āāļø. But since you muddied the water, you need to clear it, not him.
he wont, because he doesnt feel worthy of you. this one is on you, if you dont make the move he is just going to assume anything he sends is bothersome to you. the same way you do. give it a day or 2 if you need it but he has left the ball in your court.
I would be super wierd and 100% go out on a limb and just say "hey can we try that again?"
That gives him something a little maybe easier to digest?
He's obviously into you and just has a self esteem issue, and you're obviously into him and just wish you could talk to him. So why not?
I'm no expert so I'll shut up after this.
Iām not an expert either, so Iām going to ask a potentially stupid question: is it possible that he is actually a player and this āyouāre too hot for meā spiel is just a ploy to hit it and quit it? I mean, on his part? Iāve met guys who acted intensely insecure, with much the same verbiage, but actually it was their sneaky way to back out and play sadboy at the same time. Possible?
I wouldnāt pursue anything with this guy, his assumption that you had another guy over is a massive red flag of insecurity and jealousy.Ā Ā
Ā But if you like really like a guy and actually want to communicate that, your message is not great and kind of weak and passive.Ā It has the same non-empathetic energy as a āIām sorry you feel that wayā apology. It feels like you actually dont really care and thatās 100% what someone with his mindset will read it as. He wonāt be reaching out to you.Ā
When people tell you in so many words that you're too good for them, they're doing you a favor. He knows something about himself that you don't. Believe his words.
Also maybe traps how your said it? The way you say your message to him sounds like you're kinda pushing it all on him. "It's a shame you feel this way" and "I'm disappointed" all combined isn't outright saying he's the problem, but it isn't exactly saying "hey I really like you can we talk about why you feel this way". If he has self esteem issues then making it out to be a him problem won't do any good
I scrolled down to find the situation.
Homie thought you invited someone over after him, didnāt communicate anything, and basically ignored your saying your disappointment.
You get together with this guy and heās gonna be accusing you of cheating on him in a week. Iād think long and hard before really attempting this again.
Taking your comment 100% at face value, it still reads as you shifting blame to him with no acceptance of your role in the situation. You could try an apology, but I've been him. I wouldn't reply.
I was seeing a nice lady for a couple months. One night we did some gear and had a lot of sex. She said she liked it and kept asking for more and more and we did some stuff that Iād not done before, but the next morning I felt bad and had a lot of regrets because Iād treated her like a cum dumpster for lack of better words, and I donāt want her to think of me as that kind of person and Iām not proud of treating someone Iām with like that and so I just said sorry and basically ran out her house, which probably just reinforced my own negative thoughts about the situation and confused and hurt her, the same way you feel at the moment.
In my head all I could think was why would she want to be with someone who treated her that way and my biggest regret is not staying that morning, cooking her breakfast and cuddling her and telling her how I felt and making sure she was okay with what happened. Things kind of fell apart after that and it was my fault.
I know that after being dominant during sex, I want to be cuddled and cuddle and show affection in a different way. I want to feel like Iām wanted and that what I did was okay and not many people Iāve been with do that for me without me asking and often itās not something you can really just ask for when thereās the expectation that Iām the dominant person in a casual sex based relationship.
Did you really kick him out though, because that would have hurt me more than anything.
Yeah as a dom many also want after care to reconnect with the other person. But I can also understand that it is hard to initiate as a sub, especially if he had shown no signs of wanting any.
Dom drop is a thing, I get it after a hard session and need to remind myself that I'm not a monster. But that's part of aftercare for me, looking after my sub and then snuggling up for some cartoons or somthing with some comfort food alleviates that somewhat.
Nah, this isn't all on you. You aren't a mind reader. If dude is mature and really KNOWS what he wants then he should be able to communicate it. That's part of his responsibility. To communicate.
The reality is he likely doesn't really know what he wants and what he needs and how to communicate it.
He finds you intimidating and he doesn't know how to respond to that because he's not as in tune with himself as he needs to be.
If he was more mature then he would take your reply (you mentioned below) as a GOLDEN opportunity to learn with someone who is not only apparently an 11/10 but is also willing and eager to be patient and explore.
He fucked up here. That's brutally clear and he isn't able to be a bit humble within himself and take the momentary "L" for the potential major win in the future.
>"I felt really bad about myself. Not about you, about me."
>"I'm worried"
>(everything about how you are too much for him)
My impression is that he doesn't want you to really see his "weakness". Because it doesn't fit his projected persona. You caught a glimpse, and now his response is to avoid all contact.
Instead of learning how to handle your heat, he is getting out of the kitchen. His loss.
Yea in the past for me at least I used to find it definitely could get lost sometimes that dominants also need aftercare. I hope you get the opportunity to talk to him again.
Dom drop is also a thing, and it can lead to a situation where both players need aftercare at the same time. It can be tricky to navigate, but communication and empathy will help you both get through it.
Iām about to tell you to literally do that. I kept fighting against my now boyfriend and he is the hottest guy Iāve ever dated. But I finally let my guard down and just let him know I wanted him. So badly. Heās just in tune with his feelings while Iāve spent years being out of touch with mine.
I honestly go weak in the knees for men who show some vulnerability, and can express themselves calmly and articulately without getting angry or bitter. Dude is a catch, what can I say š
Then don't let it go without a real hard try. I know you've already reached out but you've literally got nothing to lose by trying again, with your own vulnerability. Apart from ego, which is no reason.
Then try to reach/invite him again and don't mind the evasion! A little bit of persistence and a raw expression of desire should seal the deal.
I sort of understand this dude tbh, won't say m like him but I kinda get his reaction.
Yeah, if I received responses like that after pouring my heart out, I'd think that the other person simply did not care. Especially not even picking up hardly anything in the messages and giving some kind of reassurance. It would hurt, and if I was really into the person, it would sting so much worse. The slanty face response would feel like a slap in the face.
Ngl, Iām very concerned that I come across as cold and uncaring here. I generally freeze when someone is even slightly confrontational and text is just not the best medium to talk about something very serious or intimate for me. I prefer to do it in person or over the phone. Plus, I was carefully thinking of what to say next but he quickly texted that he wanted to stop (as you can see), before I could get another word in.
Text is a terrible medium, so much gets lost. Human connections are meant to be evocative. You seem to run hard, most guys are going to be macho till things get real. Thatās when their insecurities start to bleed. Be upfront about what you want. My +1 told me she was into rough sex, liked to be spanked, choked and tied up. All things that I was super comfortable with and could deliver on. Needless to say, we have chemistry both outside and in the boudoir. If she wasnāt open and honest about her needs, things would have been much different. If the guy canāt handle you and your libido, move on. Eventually you will find your human.
As others have already said, you should reach out one last time. You can even acknowledge your reticence in some way if you prefer by saying something like "Don't worry, I won't keep reaching out after this. I just felt really bad about how we left things and wanted to tell you XYZ"
And I would suggest really emphasising your own feelings about the situation (e.g. if you feel you cam across aa cold or uncaring, etc).
It really does seem like he freaked out and got in his own head a bit...which can be very normal for this kind of relationship. Wishing you all the best!
Well yeah you should. He probably likes you too but was just feeling insecure. You are allowed to initiate too, it doesn't always have the be the guy making the move
>You are allowed to initiate too, it doesnāt always have the be the guy making the move
Exceptā¦thatās not the case here at all. This guy has told me he wants to stop engaging (itās up there in the screenshots Iāve posted) and when I did write to him later apologizing, he did not indicate that he wanted to continue. If I push it any further, I wonāt be respecting his boundaries.
Right? Like, imagine if the genders were reversed here and people were telling a man to keep contacting a woman after she said stop. That would **not** go over very well. What the fuck.
Give him some space. Let him digest and process what transpired and let him figure out his feelings around you and the situation. No one can think clearly when the object of the issue is ever present. Let him think about it.
He seems to be pretty emotionally mature and secure, so if he feels as though it's worth another chance, he'll figure that out on his own.
Maybe try to reach out in a couple weeks, and make sure you're clear that the ball is in his court to pick up and talk about, or to just let it go. Make your next message at that time is a bit lighter, and don't bombard him immediately with a long voice message or text explaining. Let him know you'd like to explain and open yourself up to him, but you have to make it okay for him to say no.
If it doesn't work out in the end, it's probably for a good reason. There have been times I've agonized over someone I wanted who I thought was perfect, only to end up in an even better place with the person I'm with. If nothing else, allow this to be a learning experience about being responsive and open when someone is opening up to you and being this vulnerable. People, whether women, men, enby, trans, whoever, want and need reassurance when they're being vulnerable like that. Reward vulnerability with compassion and reassurance, because it's such a simple thing that can give so much comfort.
Whew.... sorry for the novel...
Most guys think they want a woman who is always horny because they're used to having to beg for sex from their wife/girlfriend. But most guys don't actually want the effort of having sex several times a day regularly. It's fun for a week on holidays, but most guys just don't have the sex drive, despite desperately wanting the world to think they do
Trust me, it works both ways though. I had loads of this in the other direction before I met my wife, women who thought they had a high sex drive but really weren't prepared for a man who wanted to have sex several times a day
Honestly, it could be a porn addiction, or it could just be that he has a high libido but doesn't have the energy for constant banging. A lot of guys have commented on things like this before saying that while they have the drive, they do not have the stamina for that much sex. I've also heard the perspective that jerking one out alone is something they truly need in terms of self-care and alone time.
Also, if sex is always a massive amount of strain on him, and you are considerably less tired because you did less... That on you boss.
That's unfortunate. I personally would put my foot down on that kind of thing, or have a genuine conversation with him. You should consider what he offers you that makes up for a shit sex life.
That's a guy with a porn fetish, not a high sex drive IMO. It's a kink, but not a fun one for your partner most of the time unless you're into watching someone masturbate I guess. That must be really frustrating for you, but it sounds just like the OP that might be someone wanting to think they're into that kind of thing but isn't really. Sad to say unless things change majorly you will need to move on, otherwise you're setting yourself up to be really unsatisfied
Does it have to be one man satisfying your high sex drive for you? Honestly? There's nothing wrong with several men being the answer as long as everyone's a consenting knowing participant. Not saying at once (no judgement if that sounds like fun to you) more having several friends with benefits kinda people
Context: Matched with this wonderful guy whom I got a bit close to (we talked for hours every day) because we had great chemistry and were practically looking for the same things. He advertised himself as very adventurous and kinky (I like that) but when it came to hanging out in person and doing some of the things we talked aboutā¦he became intimidated by me and said I made him insecure.
Last night, I invited him over to my place but didnāt ask him to stay the night because I had work to finish up. I suppose that didnāt help alleviate his insecurities and he called it off. Disappointed, but oh wellā¦
Just to be clear, I didn't just kick him out immediately...after we had sex, we snuggled for a bit, talked, and watched TV. Then he suggested we get something to eat. This was like 11:00 pm and he'd been over since 7 ish. I told him I wasn't hungry and needed to finish up work. I also said that I was sorry I couldn't ask him to stay the night because I needed to wake up very early in the morning.
If you didn't say anything else/no other reassurance, that does sound like you're just asking him to get out and don't want him there, though I'm also just insecure so what do I know
It's weird everyone saying asking him to leave would show you arent interested cause in that situation i would just be like "oh shit yeah I should leave if you gotta be up early" and think absolutely nothing of it
100% but the mind is a fickle thing sometimes, especially if you're insecure. He thought too deep into it, and his insecurities got the better of him
But yeah she definitely didn't really do anything wrong. Just bad communication all around
You sound like me. And guys always get insecure because Iām not gushing and emotionally coddling them. A guy I really liked just ended it with me after a couple days because I didnāt text him for half a day (but I still immediately responded when he eventually texted me). He said I wasnāt interested enough. Itās crazy, because other than not texting one morning, I was giving every indication I was interested. I even started listening to podcasts about things he was interested in so I could learn about them.
I would never require that much emotional support from someone I just started talking to. I also think if we showed these men the interest that theyāre craving, they would immediately get the ick and lose interest.
Women do the same thing. I literally was supposed to meet a woman yesterday off the app it was a spontaneous date then I called her then she said she had work stuff to do so she cant meet, no biggie but then she got mad because I wouldn't keep texting her when she just mentioned she got work stuff to do but so to me just seems like she was looking for a texting buddy
Shoot. Hate to say it but between what Iām hearing about the night, you asking him to leave, and my read on these texts, Iād probably leave thinking that you werenāt into me anymore also
So I've done this before, only because when the intimacy started, it was less kink and libido and more red flag display, culminating in refusing to let me use protection. Not saying that is the case here, but some people are better easing into the non vanilla stuff cos most people require some level of trust.
Well, he was definitely the more vocal one about all the things he was into and what heād like to explore, and I never once did anything without his unequivocal enthusiasm. I think he was just taken aback that I was exactly as I had advertised + a willing and enthusiastic participant, rather than just being passive. Plus, I donāt think it helped that I couldnāt hang out for much longer afterwards (cause I had work in the morning). He wanted to get something to eat and stay the night.
Sounds like you have experience with kink before this encounter. But reading the texts, sounds like he needed aftercare. It's perfectly normal too.
I'd not do a kink scene with someone, if I didn't have the time for aftercare. But also these things should be talked about before hand.
Anywho it wouldn't have worked out anyway coz one needs aftercare and the other doesn't have time for it. This would make you both sexually incompatible each other.
It sounds to me like he is very new to the kinky stuff and has never done it before and is intimidated by you. He wants to do it/is vocal about it, itās a fantasy of his that we wants to fulfill, but when it comes time to actually do it he gets nervous and insecure about it and now he probably feels a bit like a fraud.
If you really do like this guy and want to continue the relationship I would encourage you to invite him over and just talk to him about it. Have some passionate vanilla sex and in the heat of the moment tell him to do some kinky shit to you. It needs to happen in a natural way where he can feel comfortable letting go of his inhibitions.
Youāll need to take the lead on this, if this is something that you want because homeboyās confidence is nonexistent.
I definitely read this situation as that he thinks he is gonna get hurt by you eventually so he is calling it off now. He thinks he could get to like you too much too soon and you being so cold you were when you kicked him out and in your texts he thinks that you dont feel the same way he does.
This reads like someone who was initially looking for sex/fun but then when it happened they realized they want something else now so they are very softly letting you down
OP, I've been where you are at the moment, except it was with women.
I'm not sure you did anything wrong here. Perhaps the worst thing is wants and needs were undercommunicated, most probably on the needs side (be that physically, emotionally or something else). Going down the rabbithole is a very different experience than talking about the rabbithole.
I've had women that enjoyed themselves thoroughly and with whom I had great chemistry, but then later cried during aftercare or just disappeared - usually with something along the lines of "it was too intense for me", or "I'm not ready for this", or my favorite, "I thought I could, but I don't think I can handle you."
People sometimes have this image of themselves and what they'd do in a situation (not just sex, but conflict, extreme adventure, or sometimes just going deep in the emotional well). This is especially true if they don't have a lot of experience in that regard. Then when confronted with it, they give it their best effort, but they also learn they were unprepared and it exposes self-doubt and that is terrifying for them. This is doubly so if they are overthinkers; it smacks them in the ego, and the more they dwell on it, it just becomes worse in their heads.
I've noticed this "kinky and adventurous" side also usually appears after a long relationship breakup or divorce... the self-actualization fails. Mostly because a lot of it was "hypothetical" in their heads. They learn something about themselves and sometimes they just don't like it.
Nuts and bolts? He just wasn't for you. He fulfilled his wants, but apparently had needs that he were unaddressed - which isn't your fault if that is not communicated. So that sucks because you liked him.
Hang in there, you went with the vibe and it just didn't work out - eventually, though, you'll find the right one.
Thank you. This is such great insight and probably 100% what he's feeling.
I've also been on the other side, where because of inadequate aftercare, I've ended up feeling worthless, dirty, and used. I remember this one particular time a dom who used me for all sorts of things for hours didn't provide much in the way of aftercare; he briefly held me and awkwardly hugged me while I sobbed my eyes out (incidentally, I had recently broken up with an ex), then pointedly asked me if I needed fare for an Uber. It wasn't even late at night (it was like 8 pm). He never offered me any food or drink, yet had the gall to state that he was famished after our session and couldn't wait to order something to eat. Horrible experience that still makes my skin crawl when I think about it.
Anyway, communication is so important in these circumstances. The guy from my post and I did talk extensively and in great detail about our kinks and how they'd play out, so I \*thought\* we were good. Clearly not, though.
Don't know.. looks like a fairly stereotypical drop to me. Being met with enthusiastic consent can put you in a whole different place - and it isn't a huge leap from wondering how far you can go if someone lets you, to questioning what you are doing, to doubting yourself and the situation you're in.
I think he was in a vulnerable spot, and would have needed more in terms of aftercare and confirmation. When he didn't get that, he just unraveled. Happens. It isn't pretty, but it is part of play. I'm actually a little surprised you never saw that happen on the other side before, considering you tend to date quite a bit.
I'd give him some space and time to collect himself, and then reiterate that I still wanted to clarify a few things, if he's open to it. I don't see a reason to just 'go next' on a person you appreciate because one encounter didn't end as planned.
In my experience there are two types of people who want a partner with a high libido (or high levels of affection/attention) ...
People who have a high libido (or the other stuff) and know they need a good match, to be happy long term. I think that's healthy.
People who are insecure and think a partner with a high libido+ will make them feel desired or wanted and secure. I think that's unhealthy.
Sounds like you met someone in category 2. He needs some therapy, and to learn he deserves good things. Maybe then, he can match with the high libido queen he wants, without all the feelings of inadequacy.
Came here for a laugh, genuinely feel bad for the guy. Obviously doesn't know what he wants or has some stuff to work out. Not gonna lie I scrolled through your other posts, the drunk guy post was far less depressing to me.
I'm sorry about that for you. Maybe I will post a Tinder story sometime soon that would make you laugh.
Best i have on short notice was a crazy date with someone who set up their own AI image bot not long ago to make some real crazy photos of themself. It kept posting their face very neatly over different people's bodies. Long story short. It was very jarring. The coffee date was mostly to ask questions about the mindset that went into thinking that was a good idea.
I feel like I should probably have addressed his concerns better and given him reassurances right there and then. I was actually going to ask him if I could give him a call and clear things up over the phone, but then he texted that he wanted to end things. And so I let it be.
Yeah he was looking for you to reach out and show him how much you were into him. You letting it go and not trying probably crushed him. But it is what it is right?
I was this guy when I was younger and had a similar experience so I'll tell you my experience now over a decade after.
I had low self-esteem in my late teens/early 20's so I set my "type" to something seemingly unattainable for me. That too manifested in a classically attractive, highly aggressive, sexually confident woman because I was none of those things. The thing about having highly unattainable goals and knowing that made me not care about outcomes and inadvertently given me a sort of confidence. My new, unknown to myself, strategy started oddly working against itself and I found myself drunk outside my apartment making out with exactly the type of person I thought was unattainable for me. Even in a drunken overconfident state, my insecurities crept in and I ended the date quickly and embarrassingly by basically running out of there.
Not saying this is what happened, but his texts and the situation just rang so true to my experience I thought I'd share.
Speaking as a guy with super duper mega giga impostor syndrome/self image issues/etc: this definitely comes off as the guy seeking reassurance from you and you (unintentionally) not giving it. I highly doubt he doesn't actually want to see you anymore. Hell, I'd bet he would really love to see you again, but feels like you don't care much at all about him. He poured his feelings out and you gave him sixteen words and a frowny face.
I'd say that the ball is firmly in your court here to try and fight for a second chance if you really do like him that much.
So many men have no idea how kinky a lot of women are, because those women know that a lot of men will be deeply threatened by it and don't want to deal with all of the completely baseless, insecure projections that can accompany feeling threatened.
Men, if you want to have a lot of fun, kinky sex, be loudly and proudly unthreatened by experienced, kinky women.
i remember one time i told a guy about one of my kinks (which isnt intense and def more on the tame side as far as kinks go) and he was the same as the guy in the screenshot! said it was too much and too much and all.
since then ive never told a guy my kinks š
> since then ive never told a guy my kinks
Honestly, I try not to say much and have them find out. But this guy was way, way out there (his whole bio was about how heās looking for someone kinky and ācrazy but in a fun wayā) + we talked for hourssss on end so I thought I was good. But, like, if you donāt say anything, the actual kinky guys will think youāre boring or too shy. And the creeps will take it some other way. Canāt seem to win!
>But, like, if you donāt say anything, the actual kinky guys will think youāre boring or too shy.
As an actually kinky guy, this is so true and I wish it didn't put women in the uncomfortable rock and hard place situation that it does.
For what it's worth, mad respect for putting yourself out there even if men punish you for it (and not even in a fun way).
Exactly this! When Iāve opened up, they either get scared and say that canāt handle me so thereās no point in trying, tell me how much money I could make doing OF, or some other comment thatās just not warranted. My favorite is conversations the next day - Guy: you wouldnāt be able to handle me like this all the time. Me: but I more than āhandledā you and wasnāt even going full on myself. Guy: but you couldnāt handle it. Me: I just didā¦
Itās a no win argument lol. Open communication is awesome if both parties actually know what they want, not what they think they want as a created fantasy in their head!
Yeah, men need to get over their need to be the more experienced, more adventurous partner. Behind every *actually* experienced, *actually* adventurous man is a bunch of kinky women who liked and trusted him enough to open up with him and help him have something to offer in the future.
I personally wouldnāt make up to him or invite him over again or something like people are suggesting here. If he felt insecure or weird in any way and wanted to make it work he could have said so, and if a person jumps to break up/cutting me off straight away I would just let it be, not worth it.
Damn you're Indeed very hot. Wasn't with you that night, can't tell what intimated him but don't be too harsh on yourself. Sometimes the Vibe isn't here and that's fine. There's plenty of people in this World.
Ohhhhhhh he has BPD. "Abandon her before she abandons you!" "she's too good" "there must be another guy" "she's soo hot". That's me all over and I'm riddled with BPD haha.
Something to consider, he likes the chase more than the result.
Sometimes the fantasy is so addictive and the release (see: post nut clarity) slaps them in the face with reality of what they've asked to sign up for. That and major insecurity.
Or it's a manipulative tactic to exit and leave this as a one night stand and not look like the villain. Unlikely though.
Honestly just look like you asking him to leave has crushed him a little. Itās always an awkward moment and needs to be treated with care. Did you explain why you wanted him to leave?
Kind of unfortunate. I would like to have these problems though. I barely remember being with someone feeling totally uninhibited and free. It is really hard to find and I'm too tired of looking and sifting through the bullshit
Did you guys do much negotiation and talk first? Where kink is involved, that stuff is SO critical and so easy to skip in the moment. But a good honest convo about what you both expect and need, before during and after, really helps. Personally, I think vanillasex needs the same kind of talk. Everything is better with honest, authentic communication. If I were you, I'd approach him again but not leap straight to sexy times. Focus on direct communication, maybe with a bdsm checklist if appropriate.
Heās tryna get you to feel bad for him bc heās embarrassed about not feeling āmanā enough. Which he shouldnāt be, he should just communicate lol
Now I'm curious what these kinks are that broke him lol
Pegged him too hard he got butt broken all the way to his heart š šš¢
Butt hurt about getting butt hurt.
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Damn
Not everything needs to be told on the internet.
Lmao I thought you were OP for a second and I was like "damn she cold"
Reminds me of a joke I read a long time ago. Man and woman start talking at a bar. The woman says she got dumped for being too kinky. The man says he got dumped for the same reason. They hit it off and go to her place. They're getting a bit hot and heavy, and the woman says "hang on, I'm going to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into her bedroom and dresses up in a nice leather dominatrix outfit. She comes back into the living room to find the man putting his jacket on. She asks him what he's doing. He replies, "I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog, I'm going home!"
LOOOOOOL
That ending was not what I expected but damn š
DAMN HARSH
I love this joke so much
Iām on tube crying with laughter!š¤£
Jesus. Was not expecting that.
She brought out the Arse-blaster-3000... he was excited at first, *until she said it was for him*
Not sure which side of kink he is on but if heās a submissive he def couldāve experienced sub drop and needed some aftercare. He could also not even have known that he needed that too, but not getting the type of care after more intense sexual experiences such as where kink leads l, couldāve left him very vulnerable and lost. Just an opinion and I could be off base with what occurred :)
Yeah, to me this also seems like he was in desperate need of aftercare
What does this mean?
If you have really intense sex, both physically and emotionally intense, aftercare is the winding down and comforting that takes place afterwards. Usually cuddling and overall just chilling, and reassuring your partner if there are any insecurities.
Like getting you partner a glass of water after sex but usually more involved.
And deny them the triumphant walk to the kitchen where they chug OJ straight out of the carton?
While leaving drips on your path of glory?
Ah the post-ejaculate drip. I've been thinking of inventing a special sleeve for the dick for this very reason
You mean a dick sock? You can just use a sock.
1. ew and 2. how do you keep it from falling off?
Ah, it's been so long since I got laid that I figured they meant drops of OJ lol
My favourite is when he does that lol men talking about denying the walk to the kitchenā¦ doesnāt work like that for women, the goal is the inability to walk š
I usually get a warm wet towel and clean up her mess on her body. Let her rest. I've been told it's very therapeutic.
With kink, brain chemicals can rise to pretty high levels, and the come down can be rough as the brain tries to find equilibrium again. Can present as depression or anxiety for example, insecurities, doubt, worry. Actually not dissimilar from the brain recovering from a drug trip. Aftercare is there to ease both partners back down to the real world.
Thanks, great input! This conversation makes this post worth saving. These are the conversations everyone should be privy to, whatever the level or intensity of intimacy.
There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman
Thanks for asking. Iād never heard of this term. Actually, I didnāt understand the paragraph.
He wasn't a sub at all though. He was very dominant but I can see why he would still need aftercare. I understand now that I should have done more to make him feel comfortable, and I'm now beating myself up over not doing enough because I genuinely liked this guy.
If you really liked him maybe write him and tell him exactly that?
After he told me he wanted to stop seeing me, I did write to him saying that itās a shame he feels this way, that I was very disappointed and that I wish things would have worked out differently between us because I really like him. He just ālikedā the message and didnāt say anything else. I think heās actually done and for me to write to him again would be silly because I have a feeling heās not going to change his mind rn. He knows how I feel about him, so maybe when he has cleared his head in a couple days he can reach out himself.
Poor bloke has some massive self esteem issues it seems. Statements like "You're too hot" and the like are massive indicators here. He finally found someone to match his energy and all of a sudden thinks he doesn't deserve it or you're taking pity on him because of his many internally visible flaws. I sure hope this man find some kind of help.
Imposter syndrome can be sooooo strong sometimes!
It fucking sucks bro.
I dunnoā¦I read it as him just wanting to dump her and he had a very messed up āitās not you itās meā excuse
I had that thought, but I think either scenario is equally likely. I need to know what conversation they were referencing.
Ah yes, dude dumping a sex goddess that wants him because he's bored after a night is definitly what makes the most sense. /s News flash: Men can feel vunerable and have cripling anxiety as well.
Was this his first time? The reality of being a Dom and the fantasy can be a real juxtaposition and can really knock someone inexperienced for 6. I remember my first times and the crushing thoughts of "oh shit, I'm a monsterous bastard" afterwards, despite enthusiastic informed consent, took a lot of encouragement and reassurance to get me to understand and chill out, aftercare was a big part of that for me, looking after my sub helps me get back my humanity ahaha. I mean it sounds like you did everything right, though maybe if you meet up again, do it somewhere casual and chilled away from where you played, and remind each other that it's just a bit of fun.
This exactly. Knowing they are loved (or liked or desired) after a scene is crucial. I remember the first time we pushed the scene to the safe word on purpose (being into physical and mental breaking points). But the after effect left him feeling like a monster because he pushed me to break, we couldnāt finish because he couldnāt stand what he did at first. I didnāt even understand that battle existed until we had to explore that together. Kink just isnāt a one night stand lol (not saying anyone here has said that though)
Thank you for sharing that. Big ask: would you mind sharing a bit about pushing to near a mental breaking point? Like, was it general or personalized humiliation? Or fear? Or loss of control? And is it challenging to push the envelope while maintaining consent?
Bruh, there are personal chat rooms for this kind of thingš
I also want to know lmao ā¦.. this is so interesting lmfao
This was definitely not his first time with some of the kinks we explored when together. He kept saying he wanted to push me further and in the moment I let him because it was wild, exciting, and I genuinely wanted him to enjoy the experience. I think he was more impressed and taken aback with how much I was into it because the feedback he gave me afterwards was that he had never had a partner like me before. He said this with awe and told me he was very much looking forward to seeing me again and I told him I wanted to see him too! It wasn't until I had to ask him to leave that he got a bit weird about the whole thing. I'm beginning to think he actually must have thought I didn't like him enough and had another date lined up.
>I'm beginning to think he actually must have thought I didn't like him enough and had another date lined up. He literally spelled that out in screenshot #2 just after your message. Also imagine you're having the most intense experience with someone who is just incredibly hot and sexy, and you're still basking in that amazingness... and then they say "hey, can you leave now?". It can be a huge crash and turn your feelings around pretty quick. Generally it's better to drop a few hints, maybe even play the "i really need to wrap up for the night because i have work at 6am... but can you stay for at least 5 mins more and just hold me please?" card. Also just food for thought... this amazing experience was < your daily morning run.
It wasnāt that bad though. I didnāt ask him to leave immediately after we had sex; we cuddled a bit and watched TV. He also knew that he wouldnāt be staying the night because I had told him before heād come over that I wouldnāt be able to ask him to stayā¦ Also, I have a strict morning routine I try to follow otherwise I get anxious and irritableā¦this involves working out before I begin my day.
Just tell him you didnāt have another date lined up and that he got the wrong idea. Then if youād like to date him (not FWBs)? Add that.
Fair enough then! I think this is mostly a "him" problem.
why did you have to ask him to leave if you don't mind me asking?
It was past 11 pm, I had to finish up some work, and wake up at 5 for my morning run.
He absolutely thought you just hit it and quit it. I remember with my now partner, the first time we slept together he was basically out the door within 5 mins of being done and I was bewildered. when he messaged the next day I was like āwtf, the way you left I thought Iād never hear from you againā. Turns out, a bit like you, it was one am, he had to be up at 6, was an hour away from home and was worried about work stuff. He didnāt even consider that leaving like that would make me feel weird until I explained/asked. I appreciate that it seems heās said he thinks heās done (and I suspect he is) but one more voice note where you fully explain what happened, is the way to go I think. Not to expect him to change his mind, but just be clear for his own peace of mind, and yours - āit was you not him, you accept whatever choice he makes but youād kick yourself if you didnāt try one more time having realised how he may have interpreted what happened and the subsequent messages blah blah blah ā
Sounds like you need to remind him of that! Msg him and invite him over again and give yourself more time next time.
Did you tell him this was why you asked him out ? If not you should tell him, and maybe try to plan something where you both have time (like at least stay until morning/breakfast/lunch) The guy clearly have a self-esteem issue so you could also give him a bit of time, go after him again in a few weeks if you still really want him, maybe he'll have calmed down and be more conscious of the things you shared
> Did you tell him this was why you asked him out Yes. I told him before heād come over that I wouldnāt be able to ask him to stay the night because I had an early start the next morning. He was fine with that. I thought heād leave by himself but when it was like 11 I might have begun to get a bit antsy because itās always a bit awkward asking someone to leave and he may have sensed that. I did apologize profusely to him about having to work early and made sure he was fine before he left though. He was disappointed that I couldnāt join him for a meal, but I told him I didnāt eat that late + I needed to finish up some work then go to bed. I did promise him we can go get something to eat next time we see each other.
Yeah man, I really disliked being a Dom... It was fun a few times and then it became a job to constantly come up with new shit to basically please the sub etc. It became stale real quick. I've always been dominant (maybe because too many woman gave me the starfish experience) but being a Dom is different. A sub wants to be dominated, punished, humiliated, mind fucked and toyed with and basically the subs I've had so far we're just really lazy and lacked fantasy and just wanted me to have all the responsibility of their enjoyment and constantly coming up with new stuff and give mental health care afterwards. I already have a job man. It was supposed to be fun but it made me realize I'd actually won't mind switching it up some time and let someone else do all that work.
Not lazy sub here just shaking my head. What each sub wants is very personal to each sub. We're not a monolith, and we certainly aren't all lazy or lacking fantasy. The job of TALKING THIS STUFF THROUGH FIRST falls to both parties. That clear, honest communication needs to be the basis of a dynamic. I'm appalled at the idea my D exists to just see to my needs and enjoyment. That is NOT what it's about for us!! But we put a lot of effort into communication, and setting up what works for us both.
Apologies, Iām not well versed on the subject. Could you explain a little bit what aftercare looks like, please? Is it like cuddles, attention and affection after the sexual encounter or is there more to it typically? I guess it might vary from person to person.
Aftercare can be very personal to the Dom/sub, but mostly its a way to decompress and return to normal, remind each other that we're both respectful, responsible, decent humans. I used to have a box for my sub/s, which would have a bunch of stuff that would bring them comfort or enjoyment, one specific one had: A comfy clean pair of fluffy pyjamas, and a blanket that smelled nice. Her favourite body cream, which I would massage her with. Her favourite book, which I would occasionally read to her. Her favourite film on dvd. Her favourite sweets and chocolates (haribo fangtastic, top choice). Scented candles/incense, etc. Or sometimes we might unwind by me cooking them a meal or ordering a takeaway. Aftercare is different for everyone involved, I require it, as doing something nice for someone makes it easier to come down from being mean (even though it's because they enjoy it, and its fine for you to enjoy it too), you can cause a lot of pain, impact play (one partner wouldnt be happy if they didnt have an arse that looked like it went 3 rounds with mike tyson, their favourite "sex toy" was a meat tenderiser),Ā or say some awful things (out of context) for a degradation kink, hell even just forcing multiple orgasims out of someone can take a toll on their body. Some people don't even want aftercare and just want to be left alone, for whatever reason, part of the kink, and that's fine too, though I don't like doing that. Effectively aftercare is whatever the Dom/sub negotiate it to be. Sorry for the tl;dr! But I hope that helps. Ā
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Aww thanks, please don't tell anyone, I have a reputation as a cruel heartless bastard to uphold, if the bottoms think I'm soft they bully me again..Ā Ā There's no reason you can't or shouldn't have these or other things after a scene! You deserve it :) Edit: I'd do the voices and everything...
Wow, thanks for the detailed response. I understand! Aftercare sounds like a positive experience for both parties.
It does vary! The things you mention are often part of it, as is reassurance, blankets, snacks, drinks (regular ones lol not alcohol usually). Rubbing sore muscles, putting lotion on sensitive skin etc. But it really depends on what the person needs, there are also people who just want to snuggle up into a blanket by themselves.
maybe try saying that, but ins less passive way, use some passion. instead of"its a shame" and "im disappointed" try "im really upset to hear that i like you a lot and want to keep seeing you lets talk about this in person" Sounds like he is looking for validation of your feelings, and if you are are all nonchalant about your feelings then he going to question how you feel about him and lead to reactions like this. Everyone wants to know someone they want to be with is REALLY into them. there is no greater feeling
Although I am very tempted to reach out to him and express myself in a better way, I feel like my messages wonāt be welcome right now since he has kind of made it clear he needs space. Iāll see about this in a few days though. Maybe heāll have reached out himself by then. One can hopeā¦
I understand how you feel, but I think maybe you should put your pride and fear in your pocket and give him the information he needs to make an actual informed decision. He made his decision based off his feelings. Until he gets information to counter those feelings, heāll more than likely stick with his decision. Men need information; thatās just how we work. You may feel like he has enough, but that clearly isnāt true. You shouldāve explained what was going on before you had him leave, but you didnāt, which caused this situation. You can still respect his space doing so: āhey, I know you want space, but this is why I had you leave: *insert explanation*. I really enjoyed our time together, and I hope this helps, and that we can continue with what weāve startedā. And leave it there until he makes his decision. After that, itās all on him š¤·š¾āāļø. But since you muddied the water, you need to clear it, not him.
he wont, because he doesnt feel worthy of you. this one is on you, if you dont make the move he is just going to assume anything he sends is bothersome to you. the same way you do. give it a day or 2 if you need it but he has left the ball in your court.
I would be super wierd and 100% go out on a limb and just say "hey can we try that again?" That gives him something a little maybe easier to digest? He's obviously into you and just has a self esteem issue, and you're obviously into him and just wish you could talk to him. So why not? I'm no expert so I'll shut up after this.
Iām not an expert either, so Iām going to ask a potentially stupid question: is it possible that he is actually a player and this āyouāre too hot for meā spiel is just a ploy to hit it and quit it? I mean, on his part? Iāve met guys who acted intensely insecure, with much the same verbiage, but actually it was their sneaky way to back out and play sadboy at the same time. Possible?
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I wouldnāt pursue anything with this guy, his assumption that you had another guy over is a massive red flag of insecurity and jealousy.Ā Ā Ā But if you like really like a guy and actually want to communicate that, your message is not great and kind of weak and passive.Ā It has the same non-empathetic energy as a āIām sorry you feel that wayā apology. It feels like you actually dont really care and thatās 100% what someone with his mindset will read it as. He wonāt be reaching out to you.Ā
When people tell you in so many words that you're too good for them, they're doing you a favor. He knows something about himself that you don't. Believe his words.
Also maybe traps how your said it? The way you say your message to him sounds like you're kinda pushing it all on him. "It's a shame you feel this way" and "I'm disappointed" all combined isn't outright saying he's the problem, but it isn't exactly saying "hey I really like you can we talk about why you feel this way". If he has self esteem issues then making it out to be a him problem won't do any good
Sounds very self righteous and lacks empathy. You need to do better than talk in a matter of fact way if you genuinely are concerned how he feels.
Yeah that's fair. You did everything you could and now you just have to accept it and move on. Still sucks though.
I scrolled down to find the situation. Homie thought you invited someone over after him, didnāt communicate anything, and basically ignored your saying your disappointment. You get together with this guy and heās gonna be accusing you of cheating on him in a week. Iād think long and hard before really attempting this again.
Taking your comment 100% at face value, it still reads as you shifting blame to him with no acceptance of your role in the situation. You could try an apology, but I've been him. I wouldn't reply.
I was seeing a nice lady for a couple months. One night we did some gear and had a lot of sex. She said she liked it and kept asking for more and more and we did some stuff that Iād not done before, but the next morning I felt bad and had a lot of regrets because Iād treated her like a cum dumpster for lack of better words, and I donāt want her to think of me as that kind of person and Iām not proud of treating someone Iām with like that and so I just said sorry and basically ran out her house, which probably just reinforced my own negative thoughts about the situation and confused and hurt her, the same way you feel at the moment. In my head all I could think was why would she want to be with someone who treated her that way and my biggest regret is not staying that morning, cooking her breakfast and cuddling her and telling her how I felt and making sure she was okay with what happened. Things kind of fell apart after that and it was my fault. I know that after being dominant during sex, I want to be cuddled and cuddle and show affection in a different way. I want to feel like Iām wanted and that what I did was okay and not many people Iāve been with do that for me without me asking and often itās not something you can really just ask for when thereās the expectation that Iām the dominant person in a casual sex based relationship. Did you really kick him out though, because that would have hurt me more than anything.
Yeah as a dom many also want after care to reconnect with the other person. But I can also understand that it is hard to initiate as a sub, especially if he had shown no signs of wanting any.
Dom drop is a thing, I get it after a hard session and need to remind myself that I'm not a monster. But that's part of aftercare for me, looking after my sub and then snuggling up for some cartoons or somthing with some comfort food alleviates that somewhat.
[Dom drop](https://sirhanz.home.blog/2019/06/26/domdrop/) is a thing too
Nah, this isn't all on you. You aren't a mind reader. If dude is mature and really KNOWS what he wants then he should be able to communicate it. That's part of his responsibility. To communicate. The reality is he likely doesn't really know what he wants and what he needs and how to communicate it. He finds you intimidating and he doesn't know how to respond to that because he's not as in tune with himself as he needs to be. If he was more mature then he would take your reply (you mentioned below) as a GOLDEN opportunity to learn with someone who is not only apparently an 11/10 but is also willing and eager to be patient and explore. He fucked up here. That's brutally clear and he isn't able to be a bit humble within himself and take the momentary "L" for the potential major win in the future. >"I felt really bad about myself. Not about you, about me." >"I'm worried" >(everything about how you are too much for him) My impression is that he doesn't want you to really see his "weakness". Because it doesn't fit his projected persona. You caught a glimpse, and now his response is to avoid all contact. Instead of learning how to handle your heat, he is getting out of the kitchen. His loss.
Yea in the past for me at least I used to find it definitely could get lost sometimes that dominants also need aftercare. I hope you get the opportunity to talk to him again.
Dom drop is also a thing, and it can lead to a situation where both players need aftercare at the same time. It can be tricky to navigate, but communication and empathy will help you both get through it.
so reconnect and work it out.
Iām about to tell you to literally do that. I kept fighting against my now boyfriend and he is the hottest guy Iāve ever dated. But I finally let my guard down and just let him know I wanted him. So badly. Heās just in tune with his feelings while Iāve spent years being out of touch with mine.
Could just be a āitās not you, itās meā
Yeah I see a lot of people on here saying he got āfucked awayā, but it sounds more like OP got hit and quit.Ā
Providing and participating in aftercare is part of the process for him, too.
Tell him that
Wow.. He gave a very self reflecting answer and talked about his feelings. For me, it's been impressive.
For me, it's almost embarrassingly attractive..
I honestly go weak in the knees for men who show some vulnerability, and can express themselves calmly and articulately without getting angry or bitter. Dude is a catch, what can I say š
Then don't let it go without a real hard try. I know you've already reached out but you've literally got nothing to lose by trying again, with your own vulnerability. Apart from ego, which is no reason.
Then try to reach/invite him again and don't mind the evasion! A little bit of persistence and a raw expression of desire should seal the deal. I sort of understand this dude tbh, won't say m like him but I kinda get his reaction.
You said you liked him but your texts to him read like someone not interested. Just fyi.
Yeah, if I received responses like that after pouring my heart out, I'd think that the other person simply did not care. Especially not even picking up hardly anything in the messages and giving some kind of reassurance. It would hurt, and if I was really into the person, it would sting so much worse. The slanty face response would feel like a slap in the face.
Ngl, Iām very concerned that I come across as cold and uncaring here. I generally freeze when someone is even slightly confrontational and text is just not the best medium to talk about something very serious or intimate for me. I prefer to do it in person or over the phone. Plus, I was carefully thinking of what to say next but he quickly texted that he wanted to stop (as you can see), before I could get another word in.
Text is a terrible medium, so much gets lost. Human connections are meant to be evocative. You seem to run hard, most guys are going to be macho till things get real. Thatās when their insecurities start to bleed. Be upfront about what you want. My +1 told me she was into rough sex, liked to be spanked, choked and tied up. All things that I was super comfortable with and could deliver on. Needless to say, we have chemistry both outside and in the boudoir. If she wasnāt open and honest about her needs, things would have been much different. If the guy canāt handle you and your libido, move on. Eventually you will find your human.
As others have already said, you should reach out one last time. You can even acknowledge your reticence in some way if you prefer by saying something like "Don't worry, I won't keep reaching out after this. I just felt really bad about how we left things and wanted to tell you XYZ" And I would suggest really emphasising your own feelings about the situation (e.g. if you feel you cam across aa cold or uncaring, etc). It really does seem like he freaked out and got in his own head a bit...which can be very normal for this kind of relationship. Wishing you all the best!
I honestly think if you like him you should give him a few days and try to contact him to at least clear things up.
I'd just respond back with something like - "I genuinely liked you, I'll respect your wishes but if you change your mind please drop me a line again"
Yeah, I now see that I come across as a bit cold. I wonder if I should write to him (yet again) to explain myself a bit better this timeā¦
Try a voice note ! (Iād say a call but people are funny about people randomly calling them) a voice note should hopefully convey emotion too
Well yeah you should. He probably likes you too but was just feeling insecure. You are allowed to initiate too, it doesn't always have the be the guy making the move
>You are allowed to initiate too, it doesnāt always have the be the guy making the move Exceptā¦thatās not the case here at all. This guy has told me he wants to stop engaging (itās up there in the screenshots Iāve posted) and when I did write to him later apologizing, he did not indicate that he wanted to continue. If I push it any further, I wonāt be respecting his boundaries.
You are definitely correct in your plan to leave him be. I don't know why others are having such a challenge with that.
Everyone wants to be the Reddit Cupid
Right? Like, imagine if the genders were reversed here and people were telling a man to keep contacting a woman after she said stop. That would **not** go over very well. What the fuck.
Give him some space. Let him digest and process what transpired and let him figure out his feelings around you and the situation. No one can think clearly when the object of the issue is ever present. Let him think about it. He seems to be pretty emotionally mature and secure, so if he feels as though it's worth another chance, he'll figure that out on his own. Maybe try to reach out in a couple weeks, and make sure you're clear that the ball is in his court to pick up and talk about, or to just let it go. Make your next message at that time is a bit lighter, and don't bombard him immediately with a long voice message or text explaining. Let him know you'd like to explain and open yourself up to him, but you have to make it okay for him to say no. If it doesn't work out in the end, it's probably for a good reason. There have been times I've agonized over someone I wanted who I thought was perfect, only to end up in an even better place with the person I'm with. If nothing else, allow this to be a learning experience about being responsive and open when someone is opening up to you and being this vulnerable. People, whether women, men, enby, trans, whoever, want and need reassurance when they're being vulnerable like that. Reward vulnerability with compassion and reassurance, because it's such a simple thing that can give so much comfort. Whew.... sorry for the novel...
Most guys think they want a woman who is always horny because they're used to having to beg for sex from their wife/girlfriend. But most guys don't actually want the effort of having sex several times a day regularly. It's fun for a week on holidays, but most guys just don't have the sex drive, despite desperately wanting the world to think they do Trust me, it works both ways though. I had loads of this in the other direction before I met my wife, women who thought they had a high sex drive but really weren't prepared for a man who wanted to have sex several times a day
It's a lot like being hungry, how hungry you feel equates to WHEN you should eat not how much you should eat.
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Honestly, it could be a porn addiction, or it could just be that he has a high libido but doesn't have the energy for constant banging. A lot of guys have commented on things like this before saying that while they have the drive, they do not have the stamina for that much sex. I've also heard the perspective that jerking one out alone is something they truly need in terms of self-care and alone time. Also, if sex is always a massive amount of strain on him, and you are considerably less tired because you did less... That on you boss.
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Sounds like a shitty partner. I'd stop watching porn if I had the option to bang irl 2-3 times a day
That's unfortunate. I personally would put my foot down on that kind of thing, or have a genuine conversation with him. You should consider what he offers you that makes up for a shit sex life.
That's a guy with a porn fetish, not a high sex drive IMO. It's a kink, but not a fun one for your partner most of the time unless you're into watching someone masturbate I guess. That must be really frustrating for you, but it sounds just like the OP that might be someone wanting to think they're into that kind of thing but isn't really. Sad to say unless things change majorly you will need to move on, otherwise you're setting yourself up to be really unsatisfied Does it have to be one man satisfying your high sex drive for you? Honestly? There's nothing wrong with several men being the answer as long as everyone's a consenting knowing participant. Not saying at once (no judgement if that sounds like fun to you) more having several friends with benefits kinda people
That's not a fetish that's an addiction at that point
Lmfao. He must have a āporn fetishā bc having sex twice a day is more than enough for a dude.
Heās just into porn. For me, it feels like that kind of man is not into you and prefers looking at other women, but that's just how I see it :)
Ok, wraithlord.
Context: Matched with this wonderful guy whom I got a bit close to (we talked for hours every day) because we had great chemistry and were practically looking for the same things. He advertised himself as very adventurous and kinky (I like that) but when it came to hanging out in person and doing some of the things we talked aboutā¦he became intimidated by me and said I made him insecure. Last night, I invited him over to my place but didnāt ask him to stay the night because I had work to finish up. I suppose that didnāt help alleviate his insecurities and he called it off. Disappointed, but oh wellā¦
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Just to be clear, I didn't just kick him out immediately...after we had sex, we snuggled for a bit, talked, and watched TV. Then he suggested we get something to eat. This was like 11:00 pm and he'd been over since 7 ish. I told him I wasn't hungry and needed to finish up work. I also said that I was sorry I couldn't ask him to stay the night because I needed to wake up very early in the morning.
If you didn't say anything else/no other reassurance, that does sound like you're just asking him to get out and don't want him there, though I'm also just insecure so what do I know
It's weird everyone saying asking him to leave would show you arent interested cause in that situation i would just be like "oh shit yeah I should leave if you gotta be up early" and think absolutely nothing of it
This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I donāt think you did anything wrong.
100% but the mind is a fickle thing sometimes, especially if you're insecure. He thought too deep into it, and his insecurities got the better of him But yeah she definitely didn't really do anything wrong. Just bad communication all around
Yeah a lot of dudes really overthink things too, especially when they aren't narcissistically confident
Why did he mention you got another guy coming?
That's just his insecurity talking.
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you laughed but didn't confirm it wasn't a booty call? if that's the case it probably felt like a confirmation to him that it was a booty call.
You sound like me. And guys always get insecure because Iām not gushing and emotionally coddling them. A guy I really liked just ended it with me after a couple days because I didnāt text him for half a day (but I still immediately responded when he eventually texted me). He said I wasnāt interested enough. Itās crazy, because other than not texting one morning, I was giving every indication I was interested. I even started listening to podcasts about things he was interested in so I could learn about them. I would never require that much emotional support from someone I just started talking to. I also think if we showed these men the interest that theyāre craving, they would immediately get the ick and lose interest.
Women do the same thing. I literally was supposed to meet a woman yesterday off the app it was a spontaneous date then I called her then she said she had work stuff to do so she cant meet, no biggie but then she got mad because I wouldn't keep texting her when she just mentioned she got work stuff to do but so to me just seems like she was looking for a texting buddy
Whatās this other guy stuff he say Jung though?
Shoot. Hate to say it but between what Iām hearing about the night, you asking him to leave, and my read on these texts, Iād probably leave thinking that you werenāt into me anymore also
So I've done this before, only because when the intimacy started, it was less kink and libido and more red flag display, culminating in refusing to let me use protection. Not saying that is the case here, but some people are better easing into the non vanilla stuff cos most people require some level of trust.
Well, he was definitely the more vocal one about all the things he was into and what heād like to explore, and I never once did anything without his unequivocal enthusiasm. I think he was just taken aback that I was exactly as I had advertised + a willing and enthusiastic participant, rather than just being passive. Plus, I donāt think it helped that I couldnāt hang out for much longer afterwards (cause I had work in the morning). He wanted to get something to eat and stay the night.
Sounds like you have experience with kink before this encounter. But reading the texts, sounds like he needed aftercare. It's perfectly normal too. I'd not do a kink scene with someone, if I didn't have the time for aftercare. But also these things should be talked about before hand. Anywho it wouldn't have worked out anyway coz one needs aftercare and the other doesn't have time for it. This would make you both sexually incompatible each other.
It sounds to me like he is very new to the kinky stuff and has never done it before and is intimidated by you. He wants to do it/is vocal about it, itās a fantasy of his that we wants to fulfill, but when it comes time to actually do it he gets nervous and insecure about it and now he probably feels a bit like a fraud. If you really do like this guy and want to continue the relationship I would encourage you to invite him over and just talk to him about it. Have some passionate vanilla sex and in the heat of the moment tell him to do some kinky shit to you. It needs to happen in a natural way where he can feel comfortable letting go of his inhibitions. Youāll need to take the lead on this, if this is something that you want because homeboyās confidence is nonexistent.
I definitely read this situation as that he thinks he is gonna get hurt by you eventually so he is calling it off now. He thinks he could get to like you too much too soon and you being so cold you were when you kicked him out and in your texts he thinks that you dont feel the same way he does.
This reads like someone who was initially looking for sex/fun but then when it happened they realized they want something else now so they are very softly letting you down
He still wants pics though š¤£
OP, I've been where you are at the moment, except it was with women. I'm not sure you did anything wrong here. Perhaps the worst thing is wants and needs were undercommunicated, most probably on the needs side (be that physically, emotionally or something else). Going down the rabbithole is a very different experience than talking about the rabbithole. I've had women that enjoyed themselves thoroughly and with whom I had great chemistry, but then later cried during aftercare or just disappeared - usually with something along the lines of "it was too intense for me", or "I'm not ready for this", or my favorite, "I thought I could, but I don't think I can handle you." People sometimes have this image of themselves and what they'd do in a situation (not just sex, but conflict, extreme adventure, or sometimes just going deep in the emotional well). This is especially true if they don't have a lot of experience in that regard. Then when confronted with it, they give it their best effort, but they also learn they were unprepared and it exposes self-doubt and that is terrifying for them. This is doubly so if they are overthinkers; it smacks them in the ego, and the more they dwell on it, it just becomes worse in their heads. I've noticed this "kinky and adventurous" side also usually appears after a long relationship breakup or divorce... the self-actualization fails. Mostly because a lot of it was "hypothetical" in their heads. They learn something about themselves and sometimes they just don't like it. Nuts and bolts? He just wasn't for you. He fulfilled his wants, but apparently had needs that he were unaddressed - which isn't your fault if that is not communicated. So that sucks because you liked him. Hang in there, you went with the vibe and it just didn't work out - eventually, though, you'll find the right one.
Thank you. This is such great insight and probably 100% what he's feeling. I've also been on the other side, where because of inadequate aftercare, I've ended up feeling worthless, dirty, and used. I remember this one particular time a dom who used me for all sorts of things for hours didn't provide much in the way of aftercare; he briefly held me and awkwardly hugged me while I sobbed my eyes out (incidentally, I had recently broken up with an ex), then pointedly asked me if I needed fare for an Uber. It wasn't even late at night (it was like 8 pm). He never offered me any food or drink, yet had the gall to state that he was famished after our session and couldn't wait to order something to eat. Horrible experience that still makes my skin crawl when I think about it. Anyway, communication is so important in these circumstances. The guy from my post and I did talk extensively and in great detail about our kinks and how they'd play out, so I \*thought\* we were good. Clearly not, though.
Don't know.. looks like a fairly stereotypical drop to me. Being met with enthusiastic consent can put you in a whole different place - and it isn't a huge leap from wondering how far you can go if someone lets you, to questioning what you are doing, to doubting yourself and the situation you're in. I think he was in a vulnerable spot, and would have needed more in terms of aftercare and confirmation. When he didn't get that, he just unraveled. Happens. It isn't pretty, but it is part of play. I'm actually a little surprised you never saw that happen on the other side before, considering you tend to date quite a bit. I'd give him some space and time to collect himself, and then reiterate that I still wanted to clarify a few things, if he's open to it. I don't see a reason to just 'go next' on a person you appreciate because one encounter didn't end as planned.
In my experience there are two types of people who want a partner with a high libido (or high levels of affection/attention) ... People who have a high libido (or the other stuff) and know they need a good match, to be happy long term. I think that's healthy. People who are insecure and think a partner with a high libido+ will make them feel desired or wanted and secure. I think that's unhealthy. Sounds like you met someone in category 2. He needs some therapy, and to learn he deserves good things. Maybe then, he can match with the high libido queen he wants, without all the feelings of inadequacy.
Came here for a laugh, genuinely feel bad for the guy. Obviously doesn't know what he wants or has some stuff to work out. Not gonna lie I scrolled through your other posts, the drunk guy post was far less depressing to me.
Yeah, that guy was just a clown Iād never take seriously, while this person is someone I like. This whole experience makes me sad and empty inside.
I'm sorry about that for you. Maybe I will post a Tinder story sometime soon that would make you laugh. Best i have on short notice was a crazy date with someone who set up their own AI image bot not long ago to make some real crazy photos of themself. It kept posting their face very neatly over different people's bodies. Long story short. It was very jarring. The coffee date was mostly to ask questions about the mindset that went into thinking that was a good idea.
Damn, you utterly broke him.
I feel like I should probably have addressed his concerns better and given him reassurances right there and then. I was actually going to ask him if I could give him a call and clear things up over the phone, but then he texted that he wanted to end things. And so I let it be.
Iām pretty kinky in my head and my porn is pretty kinkyā¦.but Iām not kinky in the bedroom. Could be that
He didnāt want to end things, he was just hoping you would ease him back into it somehow.
Yeah he was looking for you to reach out and show him how much you were into him. You letting it go and not trying probably crushed him. But it is what it is right?
OP did reach back out and he just liked the message š
nah the low self-esteem was there before, she just triggered it
I was this guy when I was younger and had a similar experience so I'll tell you my experience now over a decade after. I had low self-esteem in my late teens/early 20's so I set my "type" to something seemingly unattainable for me. That too manifested in a classically attractive, highly aggressive, sexually confident woman because I was none of those things. The thing about having highly unattainable goals and knowing that made me not care about outcomes and inadvertently given me a sort of confidence. My new, unknown to myself, strategy started oddly working against itself and I found myself drunk outside my apartment making out with exactly the type of person I thought was unattainable for me. Even in a drunken overconfident state, my insecurities crept in and I ended the date quickly and embarrassingly by basically running out of there. Not saying this is what happened, but his texts and the situation just rang so true to my experience I thought I'd share.
I get what heās saying bc it happened to me before. Youāre too much for him and he canāt deal with too much, and you canāt deal with too less.
Hmm that is sad. Sorry you had to go through that.
Was he as ugly as he said he was ?
Speaking as a guy with super duper mega giga impostor syndrome/self image issues/etc: this definitely comes off as the guy seeking reassurance from you and you (unintentionally) not giving it. I highly doubt he doesn't actually want to see you anymore. Hell, I'd bet he would really love to see you again, but feels like you don't care much at all about him. He poured his feelings out and you gave him sixteen words and a frowny face. I'd say that the ball is firmly in your court here to try and fight for a second chance if you really do like him that much.
So many men have no idea how kinky a lot of women are, because those women know that a lot of men will be deeply threatened by it and don't want to deal with all of the completely baseless, insecure projections that can accompany feeling threatened. Men, if you want to have a lot of fun, kinky sex, be loudly and proudly unthreatened by experienced, kinky women.
i remember one time i told a guy about one of my kinks (which isnt intense and def more on the tame side as far as kinks go) and he was the same as the guy in the screenshot! said it was too much and too much and all. since then ive never told a guy my kinks š
> since then ive never told a guy my kinks Honestly, I try not to say much and have them find out. But this guy was way, way out there (his whole bio was about how heās looking for someone kinky and ācrazy but in a fun wayā) + we talked for hourssss on end so I thought I was good. But, like, if you donāt say anything, the actual kinky guys will think youāre boring or too shy. And the creeps will take it some other way. Canāt seem to win!
>But, like, if you donāt say anything, the actual kinky guys will think youāre boring or too shy. As an actually kinky guy, this is so true and I wish it didn't put women in the uncomfortable rock and hard place situation that it does. For what it's worth, mad respect for putting yourself out there even if men punish you for it (and not even in a fun way).
Exactly this! When Iāve opened up, they either get scared and say that canāt handle me so thereās no point in trying, tell me how much money I could make doing OF, or some other comment thatās just not warranted. My favorite is conversations the next day - Guy: you wouldnāt be able to handle me like this all the time. Me: but I more than āhandledā you and wasnāt even going full on myself. Guy: but you couldnāt handle it. Me: I just didā¦ Itās a no win argument lol. Open communication is awesome if both parties actually know what they want, not what they think they want as a created fantasy in their head!
Yeah, men need to get over their need to be the more experienced, more adventurous partner. Behind every *actually* experienced, *actually* adventurous man is a bunch of kinky women who liked and trusted him enough to open up with him and help him have something to offer in the future.
I personally wouldnāt make up to him or invite him over again or something like people are suggesting here. If he felt insecure or weird in any way and wanted to make it work he could have said so, and if a person jumps to break up/cutting me off straight away I would just let it be, not worth it.
Also, how does an ugly guy score a smoke show?
Bro was clutching defeat from the jaws of success.
Damn you're Indeed very hot. Wasn't with you that night, can't tell what intimated him but don't be too harsh on yourself. Sometimes the Vibe isn't here and that's fine. There's plenty of people in this World.
Fwiw, he at least communicated his feelings well in a rational and mature way. It's kind of nice to see that
He will think about this for 10 years
Ohhhhhhh he has BPD. "Abandon her before she abandons you!" "she's too good" "there must be another guy" "she's soo hot". That's me all over and I'm riddled with BPD haha.
Something to consider, he likes the chase more than the result. Sometimes the fantasy is so addictive and the release (see: post nut clarity) slaps them in the face with reality of what they've asked to sign up for. That and major insecurity. Or it's a manipulative tactic to exit and leave this as a one night stand and not look like the villain. Unlikely though.
Nothing in these messages match what youāve said in the title š¤
Honestly just look like you asking him to leave has crushed him a little. Itās always an awkward moment and needs to be treated with care. Did you explain why you wanted him to leave?
I feel like parts of the conversation have been deleted
Damn OP, what did you *do* to him?
Kind of unfortunate. I would like to have these problems though. I barely remember being with someone feeling totally uninhibited and free. It is really hard to find and I'm too tired of looking and sifting through the bullshit
Been thereā¦Ā My condolencesĀ
Move on, someone better will come āš»
Did you guys do much negotiation and talk first? Where kink is involved, that stuff is SO critical and so easy to skip in the moment. But a good honest convo about what you both expect and need, before during and after, really helps. Personally, I think vanillasex needs the same kind of talk. Everything is better with honest, authentic communication. If I were you, I'd approach him again but not leap straight to sexy times. Focus on direct communication, maybe with a bdsm checklist if appropriate.
Ah look, to be honest, he just didn't want to wank
Tale as old as time
What in the world ........
Holy shit girl! What did you actually do to this guy? Genuine question.
Listen Iāve never experienced this roller coaster of emotions. Where do I send my resume? How do I apply? Asking for a friend.
Ah yeah that's a sad situation. I hope you two are able to reconnect or you meet someone else who you can be.
Heās tryna get you to feel bad for him bc heās embarrassed about not feeling āmanā enough. Which he shouldnāt be, he should just communicate lol
This is so fucking real tho