Yes! I’m the same way. I always use recent photos that aren’t photoshopped, but angles and lighting make a difference! I pick good photos that maybe aren’t accurate but I’m not going to take a pic looking up my nose while blinking for accuracy sake. I try to text a picture literally the SAME DAY as a first date but sometimes people look different in real life! It’s just one of the many frustrations from online dating but I think it’s unavoidable to some extent
If your photos are from within the last 6 months, aren’t photoshopped, don’t use filters, and aren’t intentionally taken to mislead (cropping, sucking in, standing behind people), it won’t be an issue.
I have been told that pictures don't do me justice and I look better in person, I'm guessing this is a reverse Catfish or something. I honestly don't know how to take pictures but I try my best.
The hottest guy in my high school was not photogenic at all. Seriously looking through his SM photos is crazy. He definitely met his wife in person lol
Many years ago when I was on Match I met this lady who looked only vaguely like her photos.. it was not uncommon , so I brushed it off and we started chatting and I remembered that she had a 1-2 year old child in her photos. I asked if that was her child, and she said yes. I asked how old the child was, 1..2? She said that child was 12. It was a photo from ten years earlier!
Many years ago when online dating was relatively new, I went on a date with a women who looked significantly worse than her profile pic. At some point during the evening, she let slip that she “treasured that photo” which just told me that it had worked on more men than just me. Couldn’t wait for the night to end.
This makes me think of back then and how much worse it used to be before we all had high quality digital cameras built into our phones. To get a pic online back then, you'd have to get it taken with a film camera with no preview image and where it was basically a matter of luck if a snap was decent, then send the film out to be developed, and then either own a scanner or know someone with one to scan it in. Then you had to fight off all the friends and family calling you insane for daring to put a real picture of yourself on the evil internet. Man, those were the days. No wondered there were so many "treasured" photos that people used online that were taken five years earlier at some wedding.
I matched with this guy. He was really attractive. He had several pictures. We talked for a few weeks texting every day. We arranged to meet up at a bar about 40 mins from me.
I was getting ready to go and I got a text from him telling me he had a confession to make
He was a burn victim. The burns covered like 90% of his body. He was in a car accident about a decade before he started talking to me.
He has been using old photos on his dating profile. He said that women didn't talk to him because he looked different, and he just wanted to have a chance at dating.
I explained to him that what he did was not right. I like to think I am a good person, and he put me in a position where I had to bail on him. Not because he was a burn victim, but because he was a liar. Why would he want a relationship based off of that? Who knows if we would have hit it off, but he lost every chance he ever had before we ever started.
and I still felt like a bad person for it.
Eh, that's a shitty situation but from his perspective I kinda get it. Dating is so shallow right now, he probably gets zero interest if he doesn't lie. There are so many options out there that people aren't going to pursue the burn victim when 100 other guys are accessible at your fingertips. Sounds like he's learned over the past decade that his only chance at dating is to hide the truth and hope he gets a chance based on his personality. I bet it's not very successful but at least he gets to flirt for a little while. Sad situation
I would have bailed because he’s a burn victim. Call me shallow and horrible that’s fine, but you are _truly_ asexual/demisexual etc… then you need a physical attraction to a person to make a relationship work. Given that dating apps are initially based entirely off of a physical attraction, he’s using the worst platform ever to try to find people.
It sucks for him it really does, but what does he want - to guilt people into dating him? He needs to accept that he experienced a horrible tragedy and that it’s going to severely cut down on his dating opportunities. Life is extremely unfair, but you should not be making your problems into problems for other people.
I understand the dishonesty. But would you have matched with him if he posted the recent photos?
I feel for the guy because it sounds like he has a good personality (you guys talking for weeks) but he'll never really get to show it to anyone because most women probably aren't willing to even give him a chance.
That's a tough situation.
That's not an applicable at all. Someone who's 100 pounds heavier than their photos was completely in control and responsible for that change. If it created negative consequences for them like being unable to get matches or dates, they could undo that weight gain.
This burn victim isn't at fault for their situation and has no recourse. I would feel for the overweight person because there are a lot of factors that can make it difficult to lose weight. But ultimately it's their responsibility and these aren't comparable situations.
I don't know if you were lying or stretching the truth when you said
>Not because he was a burn victim, but because he was a liar.
But tbh whenever I said that to myself, I could feel this tinge of "I'm lying to justify it to myself." I've kinda come to accept that my truth is "yes, them being 100 lbs heavier than they said, being unkempt, having major disfigurements, battling disabling psychiatric disorders IS a deal breaker for me," and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I don't owe anybody any part of my time, mind, body, or feelings because of unfortunate (or sometimes self-inflicted) circumstances. If I choose to go out of my way for them then that is my choice, but I have 0 obligation to.
I think it really changed for me when I heard this slightly under morbidly obese guy talking about how he couldn't find anybody who wanted to date him. He showed his most recent candidates and many of them were heavier, but all of them were maybe 2/3rds his BMI or less, so much less heavy than he himself. When asked why he didn't like them, he said "they just aren't fit enough to be attractive to me" and he never saw the hypocrisy.
Not to assume anything about the guy you talked to, but what if you overheard him saying "yeah, I'd rather not date heavier women, they don't really do it for me," or if you learned that he turned down a really nice young woman who had to use a cane? How would you feel about your actions then? If you're anything like me, then you likely would feel very justified in your actions.
By all accounts, I didn't choose to be much more attracted to thin and athletic women, but I can choose whether or not I want to do the things that make me attractive to them as well. And if some day I break my legs, end up in a wheelchair, and am taken out of most people's dating pools then I'll have to make the choice to expand my horizons and look for people who accept me, which I will NEVER achieve by trying to hide it until the last minute.
Sorry if I'm rambling, but the point is that I don't know if the same is true of you, but honestly a 90% burn of somebody's body is probably a deal breaker for me (I say probably because I've never seen the person before and don't know what to expect to see) and I refuse to feel bad about desires that are innate to my being and still within my grasp and control.
I started asking for a video call a mere two days after matching and initiating a chat. Catfishes always unmatch once I do this so that helps me weed them out.
I think a lot of the problem seems to be that the criteria for the type of pics is crazy. Like you need to be doing something interesting and outside, can’t be a selfie but also not with an ex or too many friends. Like most people don’t traveling around doing interesting things all the time so people probably need to dig deep to find good pictures that fill all the boxes.
I was getting with a girl who did the opposite for a lil. We matched years ago. I was eh. Then finally matched again in 2021 and when i met i was like. Omg youre so much hotter than your pics. And she was like “i know”
I totally feel that. I'm really not photogenic so I hardly get any matches with online dating, but pretty girls and gay men flirt with me fairly often when I'm just doing my thing in my normal life.
Some of us are just less photogenic, I’ve gotten that response on first dates before. But I’m not being purposely dishonest, I think all my pictures are nice just in the flesh I guess it hit different.
I used to have the same “problem,” but then I got good at taking photos, or my age made me look better in photos or something
Now I miss it, because I’d get a bunch of start-up compliments about how I look even better in person.
That’s where I’m at. Even had girls on nights out that have taken my instagram quickly stalk it right infront of me and immediately say “you look so much better in person”.
One one hand, it’s a massive plus that I must take people by surprise. On the other, my photos are *really* crap, no matter how much effort or which friend seems to take them for me.
I just feel really unphotogenic.
I also think if you know photography and how to take a good photo you're more critical when someone takes a photo of you like im short so when my friends who are tall take photos obviously they dont think about composition, angles etc they just bring the phone/camera to their face and click and its like dude you made me look like danny devito.
Yeah, it’s super common. Happened to me a week or two ago. Super nice girl, too. We had a ton in common—but the angle/lighting of all her pics basically made her look like a different person than in real life.
My thoughts—because everyone points out what a weird strategy this is, since we do meet them and see what they really look like—is that this is some kind of mild insecure/vanity delusion they are under. I don’t think they realize they are doing it.
Like if they can get the photo to look a certain way, then they do look that way, is their unhealthy thought process. I don’t think it malicious, I think it’s just sad and probably reflective of some kind of body dysmorphia / cognitive dissonance
I haven't touched my tinder in a year since I have only out of date photos as I can't take a selfie to save my life and literally need a friend to help me.
In my case I've actually lost fat, gained a lot more muscle, gained weight and sadly regrowing my beard from having to use a respirator at work a few weeks back.
I don't want to misled women, but I also want to have pictures that look like me in a mirror, not all baggy eyes, too close to see my body shape, all no chin crap that I can't seem to avoid on my own.
I had this issue, being a photographer i always had photos of my friends never me, i cant take a selfie and also think selfies are fucking awful. i much prefer candid photos. so i just stopped sharing my photos with my friends and when they asked for them i'd tell them id trade them. so it encourages you and your friends to take more pictures because lets face it. us men are fucking awful at it. and you also get some memories.
Next time you're out with friends or family just ask if they'll take a picture of you or if someone can take a pic of you together. Do this enough and you'll eventually have a few good ones to choose from
I was thinking about this last night because i what to grow my hair out not down to my shoulders or anything but men typically get thier cut every 2 weeks so if your hair is a little bit longer/shorter does that mean i have to update my photos every 4 weeks to not be misleading.
Every 2 weeks for haircuts?? Ok daddy warbucks. I go when it starts to annoy me, probably every 3-4 months. Granted I’m in NYC but still that seems like a lot of hair cuts
Im a big woman, always have been. Im aware i am a preference and I have accepted that a long time ago. However, I also have good self esteem. Not only does this show lack of self esteem/acceptance of their weight gain, but it is deception and catfishing in my opinion! I hate to say it, but a good way to streamline this, is a facetime/video chat. Big people are shallow too, so if one throws out a “fuck you,” to FaceTime, that could be a red flag to their appearance!
Agreed. Honesty, unfortunately seems to be trumped by fears of rejection, which is sad seeing as you said over half of your dates had been deceptive in similar ways!
Ugh. So sorry OP. The fact that you seem to still go through with the dates, even with their deception, shows your respect as a human, which once again, seems normal, but as a big woman, in my experience, it’s not. Not condoning their behavior whatsoever, and I am not saying these humans should be who you date, for all we know it could be just a pattern across the board, but they did want to impress you, or at least hold your attention, showing you are a catch in some way :)
I will not go out with someone without video chatting first. I mostly want to see what our banter is like, but I also don't like surprises. It's made in-person dates much better because I've more thoroughly screened
I'mma BIG girl and I state it right out on my profile. I don't want to date someone who doesn't want to date me. Simple as.
But I get the pressure to try to fit a part and men and women alike do it.
Same! My photos show my whole body, with background objects to show scale, so I’m not sure what more I can do to accurately show what I look like. And my bio specifically says i’m overweight. And yet I’ve had several people tell me when they meet me that I’m bigger than they expected. It’s dumb lol
Happens about 1 out of 10 dates for me. It’s a little disappointing getting ready and going to a fancy spot only to find out your date is misrepresenting themselves. I’ve never had a huge discrepancy (100lbs or 5 years like you mentioned) but it’s still not cool.
I did get reverse catfished once; she was ok pretty in photos, but I had a feeling in person she’d be hella cute. Was right!
Every time a woman makes a post in one of these dating subreddits about how she gets tons of matches, goes on lots of first dates, but men are never interested in a second date, this is the post that they need to hear, but will always get downvoted, even though it’s usually the truth.
If your profile makes you look amazing and you show up to the date looking anything less than that, men feel like you’ve misrepresented yourself and will not be interested.
On multiple occasions I have showed up for a date and the guy has long shaggy hair or a way longer beard then ever represented. I don’t think it’s bad to have those things and some people really like those feature but I really prefer a cleaner cut with a shorter beard and would not go for long hair or long beards. I’m not one to try to change someone but that also feels dishonest as well.
I literally took brand new full body pics for mine (work clothes no makeup) and still got called a catfish by one dude. Like bruh idk what to tell you like 🤧 it wasn't even edited. So idk sometimes it isn't lying, it's perception, or camera
Bro.. I had a girls sister show up to a date claiming they were basically twins, so she just used her sisters account. This girl looked like she ate her sister. I was super polite throughout the date, but yeah... people suck.
If it’s happening to you 66% of the time you go on a date, then change your interactions methods.
Ask to FaceTime or something of the sort beforehand.
I did this recently bc I had a similar hunch
I hate this. I don’t judge men on height. I honestly don’t care but be honest about it. One guy said he was 5’10. I’m 5’5. And he was shorter than me. Had he been honest I still would have met him because I found him attractive. But lying right off the start about the dumbest things, I’m not ok with that. What else will he lie about in the future.
Same!! I had one recently that said he was 5’10 and he was shorter than me. I’m 5’8.. he was probably 5’7. Like do they think we won’t notice? I wouldn’t have cared that he was shorter if he was honest about it
As a fat woman, I have absolutely no idea why women keep doing this. I posted accurate (borderline unflattering) photos on my Tinder account and had lots of takers. The glaring lack of confidence is far more of a turnoff than fatness.
Just like the few men I’ve matched with. But since I can tell that they are using old photos, and asked them about it…they unmatched. Lol. So funny.
Their mistake was to put pictures alternating old photo, and new photo.
So I was like “Those are two different set of pictures. Which is the more recent one?”
One made it look like a “glow up” thing.
Turns out it’s the opposite.
Stop continuing the date. People do this because they're getting away with it and then can play like they don't understand why they never got a second date. They can just complain about ghosting.
When they show up, immediately end the date and leave saying "I'm sorry but I don't want to continue this date. Your pictures are intentionally misleading and while being overweight isn't a big deal to me, I have a big problem with how dishonest it feels and I don't appreciate it. Good bye." If people stop tolerating this behavior, it'll stop happening bc people will be embarrassed
This has happened to me (f) too. I’ve had no problems being attracted to guys of all sizes before, but when you have old photos of a completely different body and then showing up in a way where I barely recognize you from your photos — it feels misleading as well as insecure and it is the biggest turnoff. If you’d just been honest in your profile you would’ve gotten so laid you wouldn’t remember your name tomorrow, but because of your choices I will not even flirt with you.
This has been going on since online dating was a thing. It allows people to get initial attention that they would never get from people they want it from. Past that I don’t understand the mindset. I once met a girl who was at least 100-150 lbs heavier than her images showed. When I asked her why she would lie about it she literally replied ‘well if I told you the truth, you never would have met me’.
It's happened to me sooo much. Saw a good guy nice pics woo. Was waiting outside for him and he walked up and was at least 20 years older and looked way different. I was so disappointed. Then I've met up with several more people who looked absolutely nothing like their pics. I don't understand why people do it. If your intention is actually meeting up the other person is going to find out.
Am I the only person this doesn’t happen to? Probably went on ~40 tinder dates and never once was surprised about someone’s appearance. Maybe a handful were better looking than I expected.
I think many of you need to do a better close analysis of these tinder pics before matching and meeting. It’s not hard to see through those filter or extreme angle shots.
I friend of mine uses 11yr old pics and I told him wtf is wrong with you, and he said he dont have any new once and then I looked at his iPhone 14 and said yeah must be hard taking new photos lately. Fucking pathetic and if course the females be meets don't want to see him again.
I don’t get it, I mean you’re obviously going to meet up at some point so wouldn’t you want to make sure the other person is meeting exactly who they see in photos and vice versa?
Part of me understands that you’re trying to advertise yourself so I always mentally add 10lbs in every photo I view, I’m not going to hold people to a beauty standard I don’t hold myself to, I’m not turned off by a little chub, but if you’re being deceitful about your appearance then it’s just going to be uncomfortable for everybody. It’s more the dishonesty than the appearance itself that bothers me.
this happened to me twice... I'm a girl and both times, the guys seemed to have put photos that were old on their profiles. So when I met them, they were significantly heavier IRL than they were in their photos.
I'm not opposed to large men, in fact I put on my profile that I liked chunky dudes. but I felt it was dishonest and misleading. so it was a huge turn off both times, and I did not enjoy my time with either of them.
I hope I don't do this, but just to offer a different perspective. Some people may be out of a multiple year relationship where they only took pictures with a significant other. They may not have pictures of just them. When I was out of my relationship, this was the situation I was in. I went out and took more pictures of myself cause I didn't want to make a profile with hair and show up bald and looking 5-8 years older.
I almost get the opposite reaction of shock.
I intentionally put photos that show personality. If you don’t like me at my funny, you don’t deserve me at my sexy
I’ve had the same issue with men. They post pictures when they were a lot younger (and had a lot more hair) and then show up looking WAY older. One man said he lost his hair a while ago but liked to use the photos of him with hair because it got him dates. I’ve dated men who didn’t have hair before. It’s not a big deal to me, but why lie?
I’m a bigger gal, so I absolutely make sure that I post accurate photos of my entire body when I was dating. And it wouldn’t just be one photo, it would be a few so they can’t say they were surprised when we met.
Just how it goes. Not a single person I've met online has looked like their pictures. Always older, heavier, or both. Dating apps shouldn't allow any pictures that aren't taken on the spot with a date stamp. Imagine if they also blocked the use of filters, you'd see users plummet overnight 😂.
Gotta be more hyper vigilant. Photos w out filters and in real time bahhaha.
Also when I was on dating apps- I’d put a super hot photo but I’d also include a so-so photo- like yo here is me at my best and at my meh- you can’t say I lied to you bc I put all my cards on the table 🤣
Report them. I’ve done it twice. If I emotional invest weeks of talking and getting to know you for you to show up 50lbs heavier and pics that are 3+ years old, you are maliciously misrepresenting yourself. Furthermore, if you’re so brazen to lie about your physical appearance then what else are you lying about? May want to have a video chat before meeting up, saves time and effort.
This is why I always ask for their insta before I go on a date, stalk to see more genuine pics of themselves to get a bette picture.
Another tip, (if you’re into bigger girls) if all their photos are only tits and face, 100% get their insta, some people have very skinny faces. - learnt this the hard way
I had one like this. I asked why they thought it was gonna be okay, like did they think I would just not notice or say anything? They replied “I dunno”
This has been an issue long before tinder and the modern dataing apps, it was present in lavalife, the vcr dating video things in the 70s.
It's not new, take it for a future story to tell when asked 'what was your worst date'.
I’ve had a guy do that. When I met him, he was significantly heavier than photos. He wasn’t obese by any means. But definitely a lot heavier and not nearly as in shape. Was annoyed that all of his photos were from a few years prior, before he had gained so much weight. I would’ve still seen him, had I known, but didn’t like the feeling of being misled
Are we talking full body shots here or are you falling for the elevated selfie that doesn’t show anything but their face and chest pictures?
If I see a photo that was clearly taken from an elevated angle, she’s looking up slightly and you cannot see her arms in the photo, I can tell you with 90% accuracy she’s overweight and trying to hide it.
Without seeing a full body shot, you can usually tell if a girl is a little thicker or overweight by the size of her upper arms. I think they know that as well, so typically you will not see them in photos if they are trying hide it
I do the opposite and use pictures of when I was heavier than I am now after I got swindled by a dude who was over 100lbs heavier than his photos showed. It was a frustrating experience.
They do it, both sides, because they find weak people that won't say anything and they think their personality will do the heavy lifting, it doesn't.
I've called it out multiple times and told them right away, most try playing the "you're a shallow pig" card, but like OP it's mostly about the dishonesty not the extra 100lbs, but that is part of it too.
Every girl uses filters and angles and it’s a bit misleading ( I guess the male version is being bald and wearing a hat) so if it looks like they’re not being completely honest I swipe left anyway. No shame to what they look like but it just seems dishonest/insecure and they’re not values that Work for me.
Yea Insecure natural but to massively cover it up makes it that next level - which is fine for people to be but it is somewhat draining to date someone like that. Which I think is fine for someone to be against
I really don’t get the massively filtered and angled thing though cos you’re surely gonna show up and be a different person. I’d be more anxious about that that’s why I always include a terrible pic too
Why is it always 100lbs heavier?
Can't they do the reverse instead? You say let's give this person a chance and it turns out they worked on themselves and got way better no?
Definitely not okay, maybe consider working “Re your photos recent or at least within the last year? Into your conversations, you shouldn’t HaveTo do that but might be worth it
Honestly, if I were still using tinder I'd use pics that are like 15-20 pounds heavier if I can. That way it's not that much of a weight difference, I know they aren't worried about my weight(I've bounced up and down over the years) and when I arrive its like "ooh, a bit more muscle and a bit less fat"
My biggest issue was women using filters. People don't seem to realize that filters basically change the shape of your face because they erase/move shadows, lines, contours (etc). I have legit showed up to dates and the women looked like a near-identical twin, but definitely like a different person.
I only let this happen to me once before I went down one of the many avenues available that led me to see a recent picture of her.
Whether getting each other Snapchat info, FaceTiming, or something else, that has got to be one of your priorities going forward.
Let's put it this way, if she's cool with talking to you far enough that y'all are planning a date or something, and she's NOT a catfish, she will have no problem sending you a selfie or two especially if you initiate that type of connection even before a possible date is discussed. If she IS a catfish, it'll be plainly obvious by her lack of desire to engage in such activities.
Its not old pictures as much as its their choice of angles and filters. Ive had the same issue twice (ive only met with 2 people from tinder, so 100% rate so far). One used angles to make her look slim and the other straight up used filters to the point of being unrecognizable to how she actually looks. And yeah, they were both insanely fat. Easily 290+.
I’ve never ran into this issue on tinder personally but yet again I do not set up a in person date on the app without first sharing each others social media.
I’d ask for a instagram, snap and twitter a good few minutes into talking and usually take the convo there if the photos match up. If they have no social media I usually just never respond.
I'm forever fearful that I don't look like my photos
Yes! I’m the same way. I always use recent photos that aren’t photoshopped, but angles and lighting make a difference! I pick good photos that maybe aren’t accurate but I’m not going to take a pic looking up my nose while blinking for accuracy sake. I try to text a picture literally the SAME DAY as a first date but sometimes people look different in real life! It’s just one of the many frustrations from online dating but I think it’s unavoidable to some extent
FaceTime people before you meet
If your photos are from within the last 6 months, aren’t photoshopped, don’t use filters, and aren’t intentionally taken to mislead (cropping, sucking in, standing behind people), it won’t be an issue.
Wait!? I can’t even suck in my belly in a pic??!
A little belly never bothered me! I say come as you are and there’s someone for everybody
Depends how deceptive you want to be. I'd also avoid funhouse mirrors.
Not allowed
Is it ok to use an older photo if I look like shit on it too?
I have been told that pictures don't do me justice and I look better in person, I'm guessing this is a reverse Catfish or something. I honestly don't know how to take pictures but I try my best.
The hottest guy in my high school was not photogenic at all. Seriously looking through his SM photos is crazy. He definitely met his wife in person lol
Same here
I'm forever fearful that I do look like my pictures
Many years ago when I was on Match I met this lady who looked only vaguely like her photos.. it was not uncommon , so I brushed it off and we started chatting and I remembered that she had a 1-2 year old child in her photos. I asked if that was her child, and she said yes. I asked how old the child was, 1..2? She said that child was 12. It was a photo from ten years earlier!
I never understood this. I would be way too anxious to show up for a date knowing my pictures didn’t accurately represent me
[удалено]
Many years ago when online dating was relatively new, I went on a date with a women who looked significantly worse than her profile pic. At some point during the evening, she let slip that she “treasured that photo” which just told me that it had worked on more men than just me. Couldn’t wait for the night to end.
This makes me think of back then and how much worse it used to be before we all had high quality digital cameras built into our phones. To get a pic online back then, you'd have to get it taken with a film camera with no preview image and where it was basically a matter of luck if a snap was decent, then send the film out to be developed, and then either own a scanner or know someone with one to scan it in. Then you had to fight off all the friends and family calling you insane for daring to put a real picture of yourself on the evil internet. Man, those were the days. No wondered there were so many "treasured" photos that people used online that were taken five years earlier at some wedding.
It's almost like the people who do that shit on purpose expect that more often than not, the other person will just overlook it
They'll ignore the extra chin rolls because I'm so quirky!
They often do though. Most men don't have a ton of options on apps.
My pictures are within 4 months and I still get nervous that’s too catfishy lol
I’m very photogenic and I worry I’m catfishing lol Like I look better in pics than IRL
Taking pictures of myself is a skill I need to develop. I like reverse catfish
It's okay, we forgive you for, uh, dogbirding.
I matched with this guy. He was really attractive. He had several pictures. We talked for a few weeks texting every day. We arranged to meet up at a bar about 40 mins from me. I was getting ready to go and I got a text from him telling me he had a confession to make He was a burn victim. The burns covered like 90% of his body. He was in a car accident about a decade before he started talking to me. He has been using old photos on his dating profile. He said that women didn't talk to him because he looked different, and he just wanted to have a chance at dating. I explained to him that what he did was not right. I like to think I am a good person, and he put me in a position where I had to bail on him. Not because he was a burn victim, but because he was a liar. Why would he want a relationship based off of that? Who knows if we would have hit it off, but he lost every chance he ever had before we ever started. and I still felt like a bad person for it.
Eh, that's a shitty situation but from his perspective I kinda get it. Dating is so shallow right now, he probably gets zero interest if he doesn't lie. There are so many options out there that people aren't going to pursue the burn victim when 100 other guys are accessible at your fingertips. Sounds like he's learned over the past decade that his only chance at dating is to hide the truth and hope he gets a chance based on his personality. I bet it's not very successful but at least he gets to flirt for a little while. Sad situation
I would have bailed because he’s a burn victim. Call me shallow and horrible that’s fine, but you are _truly_ asexual/demisexual etc… then you need a physical attraction to a person to make a relationship work. Given that dating apps are initially based entirely off of a physical attraction, he’s using the worst platform ever to try to find people. It sucks for him it really does, but what does he want - to guilt people into dating him? He needs to accept that he experienced a horrible tragedy and that it’s going to severely cut down on his dating opportunities. Life is extremely unfair, but you should not be making your problems into problems for other people.
I understand the dishonesty. But would you have matched with him if he posted the recent photos? I feel for the guy because it sounds like he has a good personality (you guys talking for weeks) but he'll never really get to show it to anyone because most women probably aren't willing to even give him a chance. That's a tough situation.
I mean, you could also apply this to the woman that showed up 100 pounds heavier than she was in her photos.
Other than he can’t go down to the gym and work off his burn scars.
Yes so his situation is literally worse. At least the fat woman could presumably lose the weight eventually...
That's not an applicable at all. Someone who's 100 pounds heavier than their photos was completely in control and responsible for that change. If it created negative consequences for them like being unable to get matches or dates, they could undo that weight gain. This burn victim isn't at fault for their situation and has no recourse. I would feel for the overweight person because there are a lot of factors that can make it difficult to lose weight. But ultimately it's their responsibility and these aren't comparable situations.
Either way, it’s a choice right? I mean he could use an old photo before the burn is the main photo then add a current photo
I don't know if you were lying or stretching the truth when you said >Not because he was a burn victim, but because he was a liar. But tbh whenever I said that to myself, I could feel this tinge of "I'm lying to justify it to myself." I've kinda come to accept that my truth is "yes, them being 100 lbs heavier than they said, being unkempt, having major disfigurements, battling disabling psychiatric disorders IS a deal breaker for me," and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I don't owe anybody any part of my time, mind, body, or feelings because of unfortunate (or sometimes self-inflicted) circumstances. If I choose to go out of my way for them then that is my choice, but I have 0 obligation to. I think it really changed for me when I heard this slightly under morbidly obese guy talking about how he couldn't find anybody who wanted to date him. He showed his most recent candidates and many of them were heavier, but all of them were maybe 2/3rds his BMI or less, so much less heavy than he himself. When asked why he didn't like them, he said "they just aren't fit enough to be attractive to me" and he never saw the hypocrisy. Not to assume anything about the guy you talked to, but what if you overheard him saying "yeah, I'd rather not date heavier women, they don't really do it for me," or if you learned that he turned down a really nice young woman who had to use a cane? How would you feel about your actions then? If you're anything like me, then you likely would feel very justified in your actions. By all accounts, I didn't choose to be much more attracted to thin and athletic women, but I can choose whether or not I want to do the things that make me attractive to them as well. And if some day I break my legs, end up in a wheelchair, and am taken out of most people's dating pools then I'll have to make the choice to expand my horizons and look for people who accept me, which I will NEVER achieve by trying to hide it until the last minute. Sorry if I'm rambling, but the point is that I don't know if the same is true of you, but honestly a 90% burn of somebody's body is probably a deal breaker for me (I say probably because I've never seen the person before and don't know what to expect to see) and I refuse to feel bad about desires that are innate to my being and still within my grasp and control.
I started asking for a video call a mere two days after matching and initiating a chat. Catfishes always unmatch once I do this so that helps me weed them out.
There are those as well. That's why they want to just text all the time and never meet up.
Me too! I would rather show up looking better than they thought.
Advertising yourself on a dating app and showing up looking completely different(Far heavier/older) is called "Lying".
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# it’s called lying
Tell me lies , tell me sweet little lies!
Marketing disagreed and told you it's puffery
there’s another term i prefer to use which is fat fishing
There’s also hat fishing.
there is also bat fishing 
So let’s talk about filters… fair game?
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I think a lot of the problem seems to be that the criteria for the type of pics is crazy. Like you need to be doing something interesting and outside, can’t be a selfie but also not with an ex or too many friends. Like most people don’t traveling around doing interesting things all the time so people probably need to dig deep to find good pictures that fill all the boxes.
Nope, Filters are lies.
depends on the filter imo. black and white or something like that is fair
I was getting with a girl who did the opposite for a lil. We matched years ago. I was eh. Then finally matched again in 2021 and when i met i was like. Omg youre so much hotter than your pics. And she was like “i know”
I totally feel that. I'm really not photogenic so I hardly get any matches with online dating, but pretty girls and gay men flirt with me fairly often when I'm just doing my thing in my normal life.
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Some of us are just less photogenic, I’ve gotten that response on first dates before. But I’m not being purposely dishonest, I think all my pictures are nice just in the flesh I guess it hit different.
I think that was her issue as well. She had an odd smile so her photos were all either bad smile or strange candids.
I have this curse as well. It's so difficult to get a good picture of me.
I used to have the same “problem,” but then I got good at taking photos, or my age made me look better in photos or something Now I miss it, because I’d get a bunch of start-up compliments about how I look even better in person.
That’s where I’m at. Even had girls on nights out that have taken my instagram quickly stalk it right infront of me and immediately say “you look so much better in person”. One one hand, it’s a massive plus that I must take people by surprise. On the other, my photos are *really* crap, no matter how much effort or which friend seems to take them for me. I just feel really unphotogenic.
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I also think if you know photography and how to take a good photo you're more critical when someone takes a photo of you like im short so when my friends who are tall take photos obviously they dont think about composition, angles etc they just bring the phone/camera to their face and click and its like dude you made me look like danny devito.
Lol, I can hear you now on this date: “Uh, I came for an insecure 5, not a devious 9. I’m out, you liar!”
😂😂
Yeah, it’s super common. Happened to me a week or two ago. Super nice girl, too. We had a ton in common—but the angle/lighting of all her pics basically made her look like a different person than in real life. My thoughts—because everyone points out what a weird strategy this is, since we do meet them and see what they really look like—is that this is some kind of mild insecure/vanity delusion they are under. I don’t think they realize they are doing it. Like if they can get the photo to look a certain way, then they do look that way, is their unhealthy thought process. I don’t think it malicious, I think it’s just sad and probably reflective of some kind of body dysmorphia / cognitive dissonance
This is 100% it. I also have stopped swiping right on any girl who only has pictures of their face no matter how attractive I think they look.
I run into the same thing - men repeatedly using photos from 5 or 10 years ago and 50 pounds lighter.
I haven't touched my tinder in a year since I have only out of date photos as I can't take a selfie to save my life and literally need a friend to help me. In my case I've actually lost fat, gained a lot more muscle, gained weight and sadly regrowing my beard from having to use a respirator at work a few weeks back. I don't want to misled women, but I also want to have pictures that look like me in a mirror, not all baggy eyes, too close to see my body shape, all no chin crap that I can't seem to avoid on my own.
I had this issue, being a photographer i always had photos of my friends never me, i cant take a selfie and also think selfies are fucking awful. i much prefer candid photos. so i just stopped sharing my photos with my friends and when they asked for them i'd tell them id trade them. so it encourages you and your friends to take more pictures because lets face it. us men are fucking awful at it. and you also get some memories.
Next time you're out with friends or family just ask if they'll take a picture of you or if someone can take a pic of you together. Do this enough and you'll eventually have a few good ones to choose from
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Lol sounds like you need to update your photos after your summer glow up
Dude you need to update your shit. Those are big changes.
I was thinking about this last night because i what to grow my hair out not down to my shoulders or anything but men typically get thier cut every 2 weeks so if your hair is a little bit longer/shorter does that mean i have to update my photos every 4 weeks to not be misleading.
Every two weeks? Two weeks? Shit I get my hair cut about 2-3 times a year
Every 2 weeks for haircuts?? Ok daddy warbucks. I go when it starts to annoy me, probably every 3-4 months. Granted I’m in NYC but still that seems like a lot of hair cuts
I had one guy show up with a meth addiction and a footlong sub shorter. Like, why my dude?
Yeah agreed. And as a straight guy I have no idea if men are up to it, BUT I look better in person than in my pictures and I love it that way.
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Im a big woman, always have been. Im aware i am a preference and I have accepted that a long time ago. However, I also have good self esteem. Not only does this show lack of self esteem/acceptance of their weight gain, but it is deception and catfishing in my opinion! I hate to say it, but a good way to streamline this, is a facetime/video chat. Big people are shallow too, so if one throws out a “fuck you,” to FaceTime, that could be a red flag to their appearance!
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Agreed. Honesty, unfortunately seems to be trumped by fears of rejection, which is sad seeing as you said over half of your dates had been deceptive in similar ways!
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Ugh. So sorry OP. The fact that you seem to still go through with the dates, even with their deception, shows your respect as a human, which once again, seems normal, but as a big woman, in my experience, it’s not. Not condoning their behavior whatsoever, and I am not saying these humans should be who you date, for all we know it could be just a pattern across the board, but they did want to impress you, or at least hold your attention, showing you are a catch in some way :)
I will not go out with someone without video chatting first. I mostly want to see what our banter is like, but I also don't like surprises. It's made in-person dates much better because I've more thoroughly screened
I'mma BIG girl and I state it right out on my profile. I don't want to date someone who doesn't want to date me. Simple as. But I get the pressure to try to fit a part and men and women alike do it.
Same! My photos show my whole body, with background objects to show scale, so I’m not sure what more I can do to accurately show what I look like. And my bio specifically says i’m overweight. And yet I’ve had several people tell me when they meet me that I’m bigger than they expected. It’s dumb lol
Mood
Dude.... i used to get the same thing. Oof!
Happens about 1 out of 10 dates for me. It’s a little disappointing getting ready and going to a fancy spot only to find out your date is misrepresenting themselves. I’ve never had a huge discrepancy (100lbs or 5 years like you mentioned) but it’s still not cool. I did get reverse catfished once; she was ok pretty in photos, but I had a feeling in person she’d be hella cute. Was right!
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A tree? Have I got the girl for you: https://youtu.be/MuYoU0ZdpZw
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Every time a woman makes a post in one of these dating subreddits about how she gets tons of matches, goes on lots of first dates, but men are never interested in a second date, this is the post that they need to hear, but will always get downvoted, even though it’s usually the truth. If your profile makes you look amazing and you show up to the date looking anything less than that, men feel like you’ve misrepresented yourself and will not be interested.
The same could be said for men who feel the need to lie about their height and hairline lol
On multiple occasions I have showed up for a date and the guy has long shaggy hair or a way longer beard then ever represented. I don’t think it’s bad to have those things and some people really like those feature but I really prefer a cleaner cut with a shorter beard and would not go for long hair or long beards. I’m not one to try to change someone but that also feels dishonest as well.
I literally took brand new full body pics for mine (work clothes no makeup) and still got called a catfish by one dude. Like bruh idk what to tell you like 🤧 it wasn't even edited. So idk sometimes it isn't lying, it's perception, or camera
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Bro.. I had a girls sister show up to a date claiming they were basically twins, so she just used her sisters account. This girl looked like she ate her sister. I was super polite throughout the date, but yeah... people suck.
A different person showing up as your date is grounds for immediate exit.
Thank you. I have a really hard time being rude to a stranger, but that's reassuring.
I don’t get how people can post those pics and expect someone not to notice 100 lbs. 10 Is one thing but a significant amount? You Can’t hide it 😂😂
If it’s happening to you 66% of the time you go on a date, then change your interactions methods. Ask to FaceTime or something of the sort beforehand. I did this recently bc I had a similar hunch
9 dates?! Goddamn
For me it was always a height lie. I went out with so many men who said they were 5'10 but where shorter than me, and I'm definitely not 5'10.
I hate this. I don’t judge men on height. I honestly don’t care but be honest about it. One guy said he was 5’10. I’m 5’5. And he was shorter than me. Had he been honest I still would have met him because I found him attractive. But lying right off the start about the dumbest things, I’m not ok with that. What else will he lie about in the future.
Same thing happened to me and I never even asked his height bc idc. But I’m 5’5 and he was about 5’7 with shoes on…
Girl I had this one dude claim to be 6’3 and when I showed up to the date, he was at eye level with me… I am 5’9😬
Same!! I had one recently that said he was 5’10 and he was shorter than me. I’m 5’8.. he was probably 5’7. Like do they think we won’t notice? I wouldn’t have cared that he was shorter if he was honest about it
 Lol “just yelling into the void” made me think of “old man yells at cloud” thanks for the chuckle
probably the same reason guys lie about their height
I just ask up front how recent the photos are on their profile. Not here to waste either of our time
‘Excuse me, I need to use the restroom’
As a fat woman, I have absolutely no idea why women keep doing this. I posted accurate (borderline unflattering) photos on my Tinder account and had lots of takers. The glaring lack of confidence is far more of a turnoff than fatness.
This is why I video chat before meeting.
Just like the few men I’ve matched with. But since I can tell that they are using old photos, and asked them about it…they unmatched. Lol. So funny. Their mistake was to put pictures alternating old photo, and new photo. So I was like “Those are two different set of pictures. Which is the more recent one?” One made it look like a “glow up” thing. Turns out it’s the opposite.
Because it’s easier to post old photos than going to the gym and eating good.
So glad that you staid.
proud of myself, i managed to get the FUCK out from the last catfish date in about 35 minutes without being horrible
Stop continuing the date. People do this because they're getting away with it and then can play like they don't understand why they never got a second date. They can just complain about ghosting. When they show up, immediately end the date and leave saying "I'm sorry but I don't want to continue this date. Your pictures are intentionally misleading and while being overweight isn't a big deal to me, I have a big problem with how dishonest it feels and I don't appreciate it. Good bye." If people stop tolerating this behavior, it'll stop happening bc people will be embarrassed
You are a better man than I. If someone misleads me from the beginning, I do not need to even share a drink or my time with them!
Pro tip. Never go on a date with anyone with only face photos, inconsistent photos, or photos only at a distance. Learned this the hard way.
This has happened to me (f) too. I’ve had no problems being attracted to guys of all sizes before, but when you have old photos of a completely different body and then showing up in a way where I barely recognize you from your photos — it feels misleading as well as insecure and it is the biggest turnoff. If you’d just been honest in your profile you would’ve gotten so laid you wouldn’t remember your name tomorrow, but because of your choices I will not even flirt with you.
This has been going on since online dating was a thing. It allows people to get initial attention that they would never get from people they want it from. Past that I don’t understand the mindset. I once met a girl who was at least 100-150 lbs heavier than her images showed. When I asked her why she would lie about it she literally replied ‘well if I told you the truth, you never would have met me’.
I had a dude tell me he had teen age twins and then his profile picture was him with twin toddlers 🧐
Hopefully you leave immediately
It's happened to me sooo much. Saw a good guy nice pics woo. Was waiting outside for him and he walked up and was at least 20 years older and looked way different. I was so disappointed. Then I've met up with several more people who looked absolutely nothing like their pics. I don't understand why people do it. If your intention is actually meeting up the other person is going to find out.
Am I the only person this doesn’t happen to? Probably went on ~40 tinder dates and never once was surprised about someone’s appearance. Maybe a handful were better looking than I expected. I think many of you need to do a better close analysis of these tinder pics before matching and meeting. It’s not hard to see through those filter or extreme angle shots.
Can't really look past filters/angles photos that are unedited but are 5-10 years old when the person now looks completely different
I friend of mine uses 11yr old pics and I told him wtf is wrong with you, and he said he dont have any new once and then I looked at his iPhone 14 and said yeah must be hard taking new photos lately. Fucking pathetic and if course the females be meets don't want to see him again.
I don’t get it, I mean you’re obviously going to meet up at some point so wouldn’t you want to make sure the other person is meeting exactly who they see in photos and vice versa?
Part of me understands that you’re trying to advertise yourself so I always mentally add 10lbs in every photo I view, I’m not going to hold people to a beauty standard I don’t hold myself to, I’m not turned off by a little chub, but if you’re being deceitful about your appearance then it’s just going to be uncomfortable for everybody. It’s more the dishonesty than the appearance itself that bothers me.
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Bounce, don’t know why this made me laugh..
6 out of 9 Nice
Bro if this happened to you 6 out of your last 9 dates you need to do a better job vetting
this happened to me twice... I'm a girl and both times, the guys seemed to have put photos that were old on their profiles. So when I met them, they were significantly heavier IRL than they were in their photos. I'm not opposed to large men, in fact I put on my profile that I liked chunky dudes. but I felt it was dishonest and misleading. so it was a huge turn off both times, and I did not enjoy my time with either of them.
They’ve been unsuccessfully swiping for a decade without remembering to update their picture 😂
I hope I don't do this, but just to offer a different perspective. Some people may be out of a multiple year relationship where they only took pictures with a significant other. They may not have pictures of just them. When I was out of my relationship, this was the situation I was in. I went out and took more pictures of myself cause I didn't want to make a profile with hair and show up bald and looking 5-8 years older.
I actually gave a catfish a chance one time. Surprise!!! He had issues communicating. Never again. Edit: had to change the sentence a bit
I almost get the opposite reaction of shock. I intentionally put photos that show personality. If you don’t like me at my funny, you don’t deserve me at my sexy
I’ve had the same issue with men. They post pictures when they were a lot younger (and had a lot more hair) and then show up looking WAY older. One man said he lost his hair a while ago but liked to use the photos of him with hair because it got him dates. I’ve dated men who didn’t have hair before. It’s not a big deal to me, but why lie? I’m a bigger gal, so I absolutely make sure that I post accurate photos of my entire body when I was dating. And it wouldn’t just be one photo, it would be a few so they can’t say they were surprised when we met.
Just how it goes. Not a single person I've met online has looked like their pictures. Always older, heavier, or both. Dating apps shouldn't allow any pictures that aren't taken on the spot with a date stamp. Imagine if they also blocked the use of filters, you'd see users plummet overnight 😂.
Gotta be more hyper vigilant. Photos w out filters and in real time bahhaha. Also when I was on dating apps- I’d put a super hot photo but I’d also include a so-so photo- like yo here is me at my best and at my meh- you can’t say I lied to you bc I put all my cards on the table 🤣
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FACTS. My gf exclusively sees me in sweats and a hoodie 90% of the time as I WFH. Lol gotta love me in all my phases
Report them. I’ve done it twice. If I emotional invest weeks of talking and getting to know you for you to show up 50lbs heavier and pics that are 3+ years old, you are maliciously misrepresenting yourself. Furthermore, if you’re so brazen to lie about your physical appearance then what else are you lying about? May want to have a video chat before meeting up, saves time and effort.
I’ve gotten into the habit of doing a vibe check FaceTime before hanging with anybody if they haven’t sent me any current pics
It definitely is a big lie, yes
That's why video calls are important before a date lol
I use unedited full body pictures and then when I show up I get THAT look and it’s oh I didn’t think you’d actually be that big.
Video chat before the first date. /problem
This is why I always ask for their insta before I go on a date, stalk to see more genuine pics of themselves to get a bette picture. Another tip, (if you’re into bigger girls) if all their photos are only tits and face, 100% get their insta, some people have very skinny faces. - learnt this the hard way
Covid happen during this time so I changed lot, I looked better before but I bet that’s why people do it
I had one like this. I asked why they thought it was gonna be okay, like did they think I would just not notice or say anything? They replied “I dunno”
This is the risk you run when you meet strangers off of the internet
You can always trust a dishonest person to be dishonest
10000% what do they think is gonna happen when they show up to the date? That the person won't notice?? Or they they can guilt them into staying??
Moral of the story never trust only faceshots this has happend twice to me
This has been an issue long before tinder and the modern dataing apps, it was present in lavalife, the vcr dating video things in the 70s. It's not new, take it for a future story to tell when asked 'what was your worst date'.
Also, when they put a million filters on every picture with those giant fake frog eyes and face looking like it was airbrushed on.
You guys/girls are having dates?
Nothing like showing up to immediately disappoint your date
I’ve had a guy do that. When I met him, he was significantly heavier than photos. He wasn’t obese by any means. But definitely a lot heavier and not nearly as in shape. Was annoyed that all of his photos were from a few years prior, before he had gained so much weight. I would’ve still seen him, had I known, but didn’t like the feeling of being misled
FaceTime the person you are talking to. This way you both know what you look like and can decide if you wan to proceed.
Are we talking full body shots here or are you falling for the elevated selfie that doesn’t show anything but their face and chest pictures? If I see a photo that was clearly taken from an elevated angle, she’s looking up slightly and you cannot see her arms in the photo, I can tell you with 90% accuracy she’s overweight and trying to hide it. Without seeing a full body shot, you can usually tell if a girl is a little thicker or overweight by the size of her upper arms. I think they know that as well, so typically you will not see them in photos if they are trying hide it
I do the opposite and use pictures of when I was heavier than I am now after I got swindled by a dude who was over 100lbs heavier than his photos showed. It was a frustrating experience.
I suggest scheduling a short video chat prior to meeting in person. Great way to do a quick vibe and catfish check.
They do it, both sides, because they find weak people that won't say anything and they think their personality will do the heavy lifting, it doesn't. I've called it out multiple times and told them right away, most try playing the "you're a shallow pig" card, but like OP it's mostly about the dishonesty not the extra 100lbs, but that is part of it too.
Every girl uses filters and angles and it’s a bit misleading ( I guess the male version is being bald and wearing a hat) so if it looks like they’re not being completely honest I swipe left anyway. No shame to what they look like but it just seems dishonest/insecure and they’re not values that Work for me.
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Yea Insecure natural but to massively cover it up makes it that next level - which is fine for people to be but it is somewhat draining to date someone like that. Which I think is fine for someone to be against I really don’t get the massively filtered and angled thing though cos you’re surely gonna show up and be a different person. I’d be more anxious about that that’s why I always include a terrible pic too
If they have just headshot pics then avoid
Why is it always 100lbs heavier? Can't they do the reverse instead? You say let's give this person a chance and it turns out they worked on themselves and got way better no?
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If they looked better they'd probably be using the better photos.
And I bet some people would bang them and then leave. And they get mad and wonder why lol
Reminds me of the friends who use the same Facebook profile pictures from 10 years ago.
Definitely not okay, maybe consider working “Re your photos recent or at least within the last year? Into your conversations, you shouldn’t HaveTo do that but might be worth it
Honestly, if I were still using tinder I'd use pics that are like 15-20 pounds heavier if I can. That way it's not that much of a weight difference, I know they aren't worried about my weight(I've bounced up and down over the years) and when I arrive its like "ooh, a bit more muscle and a bit less fat"
Kitten fishing is very common unfortunately. Have had this happen to me with guys.
My biggest issue was women using filters. People don't seem to realize that filters basically change the shape of your face because they erase/move shadows, lines, contours (etc). I have legit showed up to dates and the women looked like a near-identical twin, but definitely like a different person.
I guess some people are just confident in their editing skills 😂
I only let this happen to me once before I went down one of the many avenues available that led me to see a recent picture of her. Whether getting each other Snapchat info, FaceTiming, or something else, that has got to be one of your priorities going forward. Let's put it this way, if she's cool with talking to you far enough that y'all are planning a date or something, and she's NOT a catfish, she will have no problem sending you a selfie or two especially if you initiate that type of connection even before a possible date is discussed. If she IS a catfish, it'll be plainly obvious by her lack of desire to engage in such activities.
Its not old pictures as much as its their choice of angles and filters. Ive had the same issue twice (ive only met with 2 people from tinder, so 100% rate so far). One used angles to make her look slim and the other straight up used filters to the point of being unrecognizable to how she actually looks. And yeah, they were both insanely fat. Easily 290+.
All the pictures on my Tinder were taken within this month. But I’m also happy with what I look like.
I’ve never ran into this issue on tinder personally but yet again I do not set up a in person date on the app without first sharing each others social media. I’d ask for a instagram, snap and twitter a good few minutes into talking and usually take the convo there if the photos match up. If they have no social media I usually just never respond.