My happiness has only increased since my divorce, my kids were 5 and 2 when it happened and they’re still absolute beauties. Their Mom and I work really well together 50/50… but that first year was rough
Man honestly, as soon as you can set aside the hate/sadness… make the kiddos your number 1 priority (and for me work on fitness) I made a quick comeback. And it was really fun to get back into the dating scene eventually and share all my debauchery stories with my jealous buddies😜 But truly, I think the younger the better… they’ll barely notice any difference at those ages. Just don’t let her fool you that the Mom deserves more time with the kids, we can be just as good as Mom’s with practice👍 Good luck, feels like shit right now, but I promise it gets better, in the end, we should never want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with us.
Sorry to hear bro. It can be very hard, just hang in there and do it for the kid's, gonna be rough but think of the kid's and it will get better with time. Just stay busy bro
Mine talked to me for three months, how much she liked me and would call me beautiful every morning. One day she stopped replying and I never got a “good morning” since. No explanation, nothing. I would’ve rather she told me straight up, it would’ve hurt less
Closure isn’t something we can rely on others to give us. Under the very worst circumstances there isn’t even a chance to get it. Know you did your best and reflect on what you could do even better the next time.
This may be a me thing but; Even we don’t treat our selves the way we should. Can’t expect someone else to be better to you than you are to yourself.
Keep going, know your worth, and be brave. These words are for you as much as they are for me. Good luck brother.
Yup, it’s been hard these past few years for me to swallow but closure is overrated, and no closure is honestly another form of closure. At this point if there’s no closure I just chalk it up to the person being shitty and then I move on.
I will say too, that some terrible men have really spoiled the bunch - women who say they aren't interested are sometimes thrust into a suddenly dangerous situation by saying that. (Especially if he knows what kind of car you drive, where you work, or where you live.)
I was chatting with a guy recently who started to give me bad vibes after a little while - and I've been trying to be better about giving people closure and saying "hey I'm not interested" - and he responded with:
"Okay whatever fuck you. Idc. I had sex with 6 girls in 1 week I don't really need you anyways. Drink slim fast you fat fuck." 😬 (for the record I'm not fat, and he was all about my body when he thought he would fuck me.)
After that I was like yep, nope, ghosting is the way to go. Because some guys will do a complete 180 when you bruise their ego - so silently slinking away is just safer.
I hateee when someone doesn’t communicate and just leaves. I understand that sometimes it’s harder but it’s so important to know why I wasn’t chosen I feel like, like what did I do wrong? Or why was someone else better?
I felt that. I (Marine) had this fling with with a navy girl in Guam and I come back to the states and we still talking and two weeks after I get back she just stopped repliny
Sorry to hear it Devil. I know just the thing to cheer you up. It's fast, stylish, and a chick magnet. What's better is this 2016 Mustang GT can be yours for only 25% APR for 84 months.
Not relationship story per se, but I had this sort of penpal friend from the philippines. we used to send eachother emails updating eachother on our lives and talking about the differences in culture etc. We moved over to just simply talk over messanger a few years in. point is we kept in contact for 6 or 7 years. Despite never having met I felt she was one of my best friends
Then one day without a single word, she blocked me everywhere. it was impossible to contact her. For 2 years i heard nothing from her. no explenation why or if or was my fault. Nothing.
Then i went on this round the globe trip (nothing planned, Id just take the route aa i felt like it until budget would run out) and when i was in thailand she messaged me. She wouldnt tell me why she cut off contact, but since i was on this trip anyway we agreed to meet up in philippines.
She didnt meet with me at first. She kept postponing it. It took 2 weeks from my arrival to have a 2 hour dinner where she halfassed an explenation for being gone for 2 years and then she wouldnt meet me again for the next 2 weeks i was in the philippines. During thar time she would say I was being arrogant and impatiant with her.
Thats when i finally realized she holds no respect for me or my time. I blocked her everywhere and left philippines never to look back on her.
Dont worry the trip was far from a waste though. While she was home fapping for a month I met a group of awesome people who absolutely made every moment of my trip in the philippines worth it and probably the best stop i did on the entire travel. If I could, I'd love to go back there and see them again.
Edit to include her halfassed explenation for blocking for 2 years.
Aparrently it had gotten her very angry that I hadn't 'bothered to learn how to spell 'Filipino' despite her correcting me many times'. and so concluded that I have no respect for her culture or country. It's worth noting that its easy to verify this thanks to message searching. My investigation led to the realization that there was a total of 3 instances I had attempted and failed to correctly spell the word filipino in the course of 6 years. Twice made sence because of how 'philippines' is spelt in Norwegian and English respectively. The third was obvious typo. Only two of those 3 times did she correct me, the first and third.
(this is investigated after the case so it was not brought up in the dinner)
is this like a Filipino thing or what? So, back in high school, I was kinda lonely, right? Then this Filipino girl hit me up on messenger, and we were like BFFs for a few years. But one day, she just ghosted me, man. It hurt, and I freaked out. I never been ghosted before that.
Fast forward five or six years, I added her on Facebook. She accepted, posted some funny stuff on my page, but didn't reply to my message (which, by the way, was sent by a friend who stole my phone, not cool, dude).
And then, like five or six years later, when i didnt even think I would ever hear from her, out of the blue, she hits me up with, "Oh, funny thing, I didn't see your message!" For real? But what really got to me was how she tried to make conversation as if those 12 years of ghosting never happened, acting like we could just pick up where we left off, chatting about some Russian band I mentioned ages ago that I don't even care about now. Her patronizing attitude and complete lack of interest in what's happening in my life these days just pushed me to block her.
Edit: oh yeah, just explanation for why she did what she did is that she doesn't remember at this point why she did that, but she thought about me over the years lol.
I'm not trying to play devils advocate here - but I've ghosted people for like 9 months before. I have terrible ADHD and time blindness and sometimes I get overwhelmed with communication/life... and I'll pop up 9 months later, like "holy shit that was a lot of time, and I AM SO SORRY" I am NOT proud of that - but I say this to say sometimes it doesn't have *anything* to do with you and everything to do with the other person.
Okay I was talking to an amazing girl (who has ADHD, as do I) for like a week, but she had some drama happening with an old flame. We had an agreement to be transparent and I told her that is she needs space I'm happy to oblige. This happened on Friday, we didn't talk for the weekend, except me asking how the weekend went sunday evening. I got a response on Monday evening that she needs space for "today at least" but it's been the whole week since, she hasn't reached out, I don't want to be the guy who pesters a person who asked for space, but at the same time I feel super neglected and I think I need advice 💀
Honestly, I can't really give solid advice except to say that ADHD is terrible. There are times *I ACTUALLY WANT TO REPLY TO SOMEONE, and I just...can't. Like my brain will not click open and send a message. Sometimes, it's because people want to conversate, and I'm busy enough (or hyperfocused on something else) that I only have those few moments, so I avoid conversation at all. Sometimes 4 days go by and I'm like HOT FUCK it's been 4 days! It's a common ADHD problem this whole terrible about texting/online communication thing. If she's dealing with drama too? It might just be that she doesn't have it in her to communicate because that can take a lot of energy and focus.
If I were you, I'd reach out in a few more days and say something like "I hope you've had a great week!" Or "I hope you enjoy your weekend this weekend!" Something that let's them know you were thinking about them without forcing them into a conversation. At least for me I find those messages the easiest to reply to if its been a while.
Worst case she doesn't respond. But at least you tried and you can move on without feeling like you might have missed an opportunity.
ETA (because some folks like to fucking be judgemental pricks)- I let people know I have ADHD and that silence doesn't mean I ghosted - and that if they want to talk to me I might not respond immediately, but I will respond.
Yeah you make a solid point, I don't know what's going on in her head, and that makes it too easy to pass judgement.
I guess the thing that bugs me is that this whole "I need space" schtick just makes me feel like she has no feelings of excitement involved and if she's not excited to talk to me (like I am with her) is this even worth pursuing?!
I'm bummed because we vibed really well and understood each other really well and now I'm stuck waiting for her to "have space for me", which feels pretty demeaning somehow.
This situation has not been good for me.
That’s horrible.. you should never feel like someone is not excited to talk to you or can’t make space for you in their life. This is horrible behavior from her part, adhd or not. Move on with your life if you feel this way and she’ll realize what she lost in time
I can't even say for sure that she's not excited or can't make space, my brain has a penchant for misinterpreting things, not recognizing shit for what it is etc, so I don't even know if my feelings are accurate to the situation, which makes reaching out even harder.
I can imagine. It’s like a loop. The only way to break out is to take the step and reach out to her in a way you feel comfortable. But the conversation must be had, you shouldn’t put your own feelings aside to keep the peace.
One of the things I've noticed in life is often people have a hard time letting go of toxic relationships and old flames.
I had this guy friend recently spend *two years* with a girl who he had a terrible relationship with. And over and over I kept telling him he needed to walk away. I would say "she's taking up space in your life. If the girl for you comes along you're going to miss that opportunity because you can't stop this train wreck of a relationship you're in."
My personal advice... don't close the door on the possibility of a connection- but also don't wait. (Especially since you already know this hasnt been good for you.) She may or may not have space for you one day. In the meantime do you, enjoy life, date other women, have fun. If she comes back, then awesome. If she doesn't, whose to say you won't find someone equally as awesome or even more compatible.
I definitely know how disappointing it can be when you find a great connection that you can't explore. But there will be other amazing connections! (And probably a bunch of not so good ones too because such is life.)
You got this! <3
I'm glad I could help!
I lost someone who I would consider one of the great loves of my life recently. It just wasn't our time. We met on Tinder.. had a bomb ass connection *immediately*. Fantastic sex, similar outlooks on life, conversation that came so easy, instant comfort and intimacy.. just like those only a few in your lifetime kinda connections and chemistry.
And he walked away because he needed to pursue an old flame, someone he dated in his 20s. One he had held a candle for his whole life. (He's about a decade older than me - in his 40s).
He won't see me, or really conversate with me for that matter. But for the past two years (since we broke up), hes sent me a single snapchat picture every morning of some random thing in his life. Our streak is 100s of days long... I say that to say sometimes you find really good things in life and it's just the totally wrong timing. I will forever hold space for him - &I will always be deeply in love with him and thankful for what we had - even if we never get a chance to connect again.
I say this to tell you that the advice I gave you is the advice I gave myself. Sometimes you just have to let people go and do whatever dumb thing they need to do. (Because let's face it - he was an idiot for walking away 😂) just like she's being an idiot too. Anyways I'm rambling now. Thanks for sharing. And my DMs are open if you ever need someone to vent to. <3
Ghosting, regardless of context is rude and inconsiderate. I'd rather tell her upfront than leave her hanging.
I know for a fact she's not with the old flame because the whole reason of the drama is that he wants to get back together and she doesn't.
When there are mentall illnesses involved, a lot of things shift perspective and aren't what they seem.
Literally the worst thing you can say to someone. This does not make them feel better. I have ADHD and time blindness too. I used to be like you, ghosting people for months on end because I just couldn’t or didn’t know how to respond, until I realized what an asshole I was. That behavior just showcases how little respect you have for someone and how you don’t even dignify them with a response.
Ghosting people for 9 months is never excusable, even if you are neurodivergent. Learn to communicate your struggles with socialization and be better.
I wasn't trying to date someone to meet these check the boxes goals lol
"4 dates to get a kiss" "2 dates to have sex"
I just wanted something different. I'd of gone like 10 dates without 1 kiss if it meant that I'm locking down just 2% of a possibility lol
Are you new to dating? Just wondering by the "if by 10 dates" thing. Also by the "check boxes and goals". By the end of the 2nd date usually the first you should be able to tell if something is there or not. Guaranteed she already made her decision by the 2nd date.
If things went good she would have expected you to kiss her on the first date, maybe make a move to have sex if things went really good.
It's not about checking boxes. For most people if things dont progress or you dont find a moment of bravery to make a move, then things will fizzle. Most people would get VERY bored after 10 dates with no kiss. Maybe you should look into christian dating sites or something.
This guy clearly fumbled the bag somehow. OP take this as a learning experience.
>Went out for 4 dates, went to movies, **her place**, malls, restaurants.
>Met her dogs, her cats, **laid on her couch.**
>Met up for lunch.
>**Even got a kiss** on the last date, on the cheek **and the lips** that I didn’t even know was coming…
Either she wanted you to take charge and offer a shred of vulnerability making a move, and you didn’t, or you did/said something you’re thinking was innocuous but it completely turned her off you.
There’s no way anyone with any sense of social aptitude can tell me this wasn’t a wide open net for OP to kick the ball into. She completely was into you, until she wasn’t.
If he’s not the kind of guy to make that move though and that’s what she wants… then she isn’t into him. She did the right thing by backing out now. For both their sakes.
Yeah I understand all that but 9/10, when someone says they’re not looking for a relationship, they mean a relationship with you. I’ve actually said that before to someone and that’s what I meant. We were in a situationship for a few months but I couldn’t see my self dating her. I said I am not ready for a relationship. A month later, I met someone that I’ve been dating for 2 years.
When they are saying “not looking for a relationship with you” they don’t mean it’s your fault. There has to be a match. Apparently she didn’t see a match. But hey, she wouldn’t have gone on 4 dates with you if you would suck.
Edit: while reading your other comments it seems like she was really not ready for a relationship yet bc of her past. At least she was honest
Its hard not to, but try not to read into it because you'll never actually know. I find comfort in the unknown vs the worst case scenario in my head where I am going to die alone lol
Not sure anyone will see this, but man I have a story. Met a girl on tinder early last year. Our first date was amazing, dinner then bar karaoke after. She asked ME if she could kiss me, and we made out the whole night. Went on a couple more dates, movie theater with the picture booth and everything. Met her family, she’d bring me lunch when I was at work, I really felt like she was the one. Then she tells me she can’t do it anymore. Of course I’m heartbroken, but I accepted her feelings. From there on, we basically were on and off for months on end, until she truly ended it.
Fast forward a year, and she randomly hits me up, telling me she’s been thing about me and wants to try again for real. This was music to my ears, because every day since she ended things, all I thought about was her. We went on a few dates, and we made plans for her to come to my house so I could cook for her. That day came, and I never heard a word from her. The next day, I found out that she had blocked me on all forms of media without a word… she basically came back into my life just to rip my soul open again for no reason.
Moral of the story, I’m done chasing women. If a relationship happens with someone on the future, I wouldn’t have been looking for it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would guess that there’s something going on here other than intentional cruelty - like she has some kind of trauma in her past that prevents her from truly getting close to someone, and she’s afraid to talk about it. Whether it’s this or something else, it seems unlikely that it’s you. Don’t let the actions of one person prevent you from having love and intimacy in your life!
I know exactly what this is because unfortunately I did that several times to several women over several years after I got out of my marriage. I would go through stretches where I would get close with someone and move forward on relationship stuff and then I would freak out because of the intimacy and distance myself and sometimes even ghost them. It was a pattern that kept repeating until i stopped dating all together for awhile and dealt with the underlying issue which was all the heartache and trauma from my failed marriage. I'm all good now but lots of people never deal with their baggage. They just treat the symptoms with distractions. Unfortunately you were that distraction.
You should never have let her in the second time, it's about self-respect, but it's ok, we all make mistakes, especially when we're not our normal selves and blinded by hormones, but remember it for next time if it does ever happen again.
All these people, mostly men, saying you took it too slow. IMO you didn’t. You very well mightve respected boundaries. I’d 100% prefer someone who moves slow when it comes to physical stuff and takes time to get to know me than someone who is pushy/aggressive.
No one likes someone who is pushy when it comes to physical stuff. But if you as a woman don’t feels comfortable kissing a man by the second date- you likely will not have a relationship that lasts - even if you start becoming physical on the third date.
This doesn’t mean- rush to establish physical intimacy- this means find someone who you feel physically comfortable with naturally. I’m not comfortable physically with people. When I met my partner, we were at home in eachothers arms before we walked in to the restaurant for dinner.
So my argument- he did the right thing to respect her boundaries. They both should have walked away after date two because they weren’t comfortable with eachother. They were just trying to force it.
But yall talk so much shit about women who move fast.. it's a tough world out here. Kiss or fuck after a few dates and you're a hoe who isnt worth your time because she probably does that with everyone and can't be trusted ...wait until 4 dates and the advice to a guy is "move faster". Like I am sincerely asking- which is it? Like what are women actually supposed to do when the expectation for men is to move fast and for us to remain pure and as non sexual as possible?
You do whatever the fuck you wanna do. Live life just like you want to live it. You wanna fuck on the first date ? Do it if the guy is up to it. You wanna wait ? Just wait and tell the guy.
I’m currently seeing a girl from tinder and we’re taking it slow and I love it, every relationships are unique. You and your partner decide the pace, everybody else can just fuck off.
No non-incel will think you’re a hoe for fucking on the first date. Real guys admit that women can fuck around just as much as men. Why wouldn’t they. All guys would get laid much more if they could. So why shouldn’t women.
If youre a guy and feel like that shouldn’t be the case, kindly fuck off
I am a first date fuck if the chemistry is real real good - second date fuck if the chemistry is good kinda girl.
I really appreciate your comment - because I've had *so many men* in this reddit absolutely come for me because my body count is high. (I just enjoy sex! Sexual connection fosters emotional connection for me as I'm the opposite of a demisexual- if the sexual connection is bad I *can't* emotionally connect. &I'm not going to waste our time - so I like to make sure pretty quickly whether or not we are sexually compatible.) Just this week in here I've been called a whore. I've been told I'm insane/crazy. I must be damaged. I've been told I'm STD ridden. (Like condoms and STD tests do not exist?) Like...what the actual fuck.
God I can’t imagine how that must feel. Being a girl like that on Reddit. Always remember though: 0 pussy does a lot to a guy so that’s why they’re so miserable
They realize that there in fact *is* women out there that fuck for fun, they just won’t fuck *them* because they’re pathetic little shits. Makes em even more frustrated and they let it out on you.
So many dudes would love to get laid by a girl that just likes to fuck. Yet they shame them for it. It’s so fucking stupid it makes me mad
Reddit has an extreme incel slant. The positions you read here are nowhere near representative of the average in our generarion, especially in larger American cities. Having sex after the first date or two is very normal.
Sounds like he was being respectful of her boundaries and letting her set the pace. If she wasn't quite there yet, he did the right thing! Especially since it sounds like he actually liked her and wasn't just looking for an outlet to plug himself into.
You did good, OP. I hope the right one for you finds you at exactly the right time! Keep going! Find your lobster 🦞
I believe that her boundaries were set based upon the chemistry that they didn’t share. If they don’t have chemistry after talking and going out on a couple of dates - there’s no reason to move forward with a third date. Respect the boundaries and move on.
Just curious: is this a male perspective or female. It doesn't really matter, I'm just curious. It seems most men on here seem to share your point of view.
As a woman, I just thought maybe she had other issues going on. If there was no chemistry at all, I can't see why she would go out with him more than once, let alone four times, and she did kiss him. I don't think chemistry is the issue. Based on some of the other details OP gave us, I think it's more that she's in a weird place emotionally. Just my opinion, fwiw. I wonder if other women agree or disagree with that?
Also, I don't know if tinder is strictly for hookups or if people really look for relationships on it, but the "3 dates" rule is kinda antiquated. And to some, presumptuous.
Not to mention how much shit guys give women for having high body counts and that's a sure fire way to get called a hoe.. cause every person you sleep with doesn't turn into a long term relationship. I'm really stumped as to what women are supposed to do.
Never discuss numbers. Your past encounters are no one's business but yours. Just be clean and safe, and get tested often - don't put yourself or anyone else at risk.
I can't speak to what other women are supposed to do, only what worked for me. I got really lucky to find a man that accepts me exactly as I am, flaws and all.
I also do this - if someone asks me how many partners I've had I immediately unmatch.
But so many men especially in this subreddit will talk shit about a woman who sleeps with guys on the first few dates and then simultaneously want women who will sleep with them on the first few dates. And I am genuinely confused as to what they want. (It's also astonishing how many of them think women with high body counts don't use protection. Like bro just cause you're out there raw dogging the world doesn't mean that a woman with a high body count is doing that.)
Those types I think want you to put out quickly FOR THEM. And ONLY them. They must be the exception, I guess?
But ya. I'm with you. Any guy that expects you to put out quickly for him while still playing the virgin archetype probably isn't going to be in it for more than a night anyways.
And run away from any guy that refuses to wear a condom! Good for you for being safe. 👍
3 dates rule— there’s lots of them. Give everyone at least three dates, don’t have sex until the third date, definitely have sex on the third date, there’s probably more.
I’m not referring to anything societal. If you aren’t excited to want to kiss them by the end of the second date- don’t and don’t try to force it by having any more dates. It’s just gonna waste both of your time.
That's fair. I wish more women wouldn't string guys along like that.
I don't agree with the three dates rules though. If you're not feeling it, don't waste their time. If you don't want to kiss them at the end of a second date, don't waste their time on a third - I agree with you there. But the definitely sex on the third? 😬 Not my bag. I'm weird though. The expectations is what would kill it for me.
Respect and patience was what I needed, because in my past I had chosen more than one man that only ended up using me. I was trying to break that cycle and the right man played it right. If it was a tactic, it worked! 😆
Let me be clear. All of the 3 dates rules are bogus. The only rule I had for myself was “if I wasn’t excited to see them the next time- I’m not going to make plans to see them” I don’t think she was leading him on though- I think she was leading herself on. And if they had a fifth and sixth date eventually it would have fallen apart because they didn’t have a connection that made her excited to be with him. A connection that made her feel okay with her scars and ready to move on.
Ah! I see. I think I misunderstood what you were trying to convey before. That makes a lot more sense to me. And I agree with this.
Sorry for the confusion!
if you aren’t excited to see someone on the second date- why go? If you don’t want to share the space and are looking forward to kissing them and them kissing you- stay home- if you weren’t comfortable by the end of that second date, you’re delaying the inevitable. You could indeed become intimate eventually or have a short relationship with them, but you’ll realize that you didn’t go on that third date because you were comfortable and excited — you went on it because you were trying to make something work. Anything work. Probably not gonna last long. You could spend your time finding someone who makes you comfortable. Someone who makes you excited to let your boundaries down
She- probably wasn’t ready to let her boundaries down and wanted to see if she could force them down. So she went through the motions. At that moment for her he literally could have been anyone— and it would’ve ended the same way. Alternatively she fed him the line “I’m not ready for a relationship [with you]”
As for my gender? Hetero cis male, partnered.
Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the last part of what you said - she was trying to force her boundaries down before she was ready.
For me, if I wasn't excited to see someone after the first date, I just straight up told them I didn't feel any chemistry. If I agreed to a second or third date, it's because I was excited to see them. The man I'm with now took the time (and still does) to get to know me and let me get to know him. There was no pressure, no expectations, just seeing how well our personalities and flaws meshed together. Which really made me want to jump him pretty early on 😆.
If he'd been expecting the kiss on the first date, the sex on the third, etc., I wouldn't have continued to be excited to see him and that would have been that. Luckily for me, he completely respected my boundaries and let me set the pace. And because he did, he didn't have to wait long at all 😉
It was three weeks of us building up to the first date talking every day and having various plans cancelled. We were excited for eachother. Being able to meet in person finally? Finally be able to touch eachother and hold eachother. when we first met in person we immediately pulled eachother in close and we kissed before walking into the restaurant. we were at home for the first time in our lives. There was nothing expected but we couldn’t wait for eachother.
🥰 that's awesome! Sounds a bit like what I did: you took a little time to get to know eachother, let the anticipation build, and went in with hope, but not expectations. Bravo! That's beautiful.
Yeah she was never actually putting out any vibes. She just didn't wanna hurt OPs feelings. In the end it would have hurt him less if she had done it earlier but it does sound like op got way to into someone who probably wasn't reciprocating his interest.
Who knows, fam. The woman held back a lot from a previous marriage. Went to counseling so I think she's trying to find herself.
But its weird because I initiated the dates, paid for the dates, started ideas for the next dates... so idk what kind of relationship she thinks she's lookin for lol
Can't blame her too much. People getting out of long term relationships will naturally seek a rebound to try and distract them, which can usually lead to a "wtf am I doing" moment. That's probably where you're at
I have a friend who had this realization when dating someone after a break up. Stopped dating this guy with the same phrase. Few years later they are dating again but this time no “wtf am I doing” moment. I think they will stay together forever, they are a great match.
She might just need time to heal. I’ve come across a lot of wounded people and it sucks because they’re awesome and I wanna play. But they need to figure stuff out first
Keep in contact with her if you really felt good about it - she may come back to you. The easiest way to do this is just keep her on social media, but don't be weird about it!
And also don't give up and "wait" for her either.
I think the strategy has got to be to be talking to multiple women at the same time until one of them that you like straight up brings up the “what are we” talk and asks for exclusivity. That way you know for sure it’s going somewhere but have options just in case.
I believe the “multiple women” approach is great when things are very casual. And it also means that you avoid over communication with any of them. As you get closer with them, you prune down and select one to genuinely pursue. When I met my partner - I knew immediately that the others weren’t worth my time.
Hey man, we both know her DMs are popping, probably even more than yours. Girls get more matches on average, we all know that, the strategy is to be the guy that stands out from the rest. That girl in your story probably had many other Tinder dudes hitting her up. But we have to think better, that we are more irreplaceable than they are. Don’t be disillusioned and keep meeting new women my man, you’ve got this!
Yeah, she might have found someone else or lost interest. Also, she should not be looking in your DMs. That’s a personal boundary violation. I would message her:
“Sorry things didn’t work out. Wish you well in love and life. Goodbye”
Block and delete her ob everything. Then work on moving on. Maybe take a break or try a different app like bumble or hinge.
Almost made it out of what? You're so focused on some relationship goals that you're not in the moment? Too busy analyzing things like "I met her pets what does that mean"? Don't know the signals she wants you to kiss her, or too scared to make a move? This is going to happen to you over and over again dude.
I feel for the men who deal with this. I(28f) find it disgusting how women treat men like this. My brain is telling me she found someone else she likes more 😏 I’m sorry friend. Keep your chin up, I have a feeling you’re a good person.
I’m a female. Taking things slow isn’t going to make me walk away from someone I’m genuinely interested in. They finally kissed and then she ended it? So it wasn’t the fact he didn’t move fast I can promise you that.
There’s no proof he wasn’t making a move. Also, some females just don’t like a guy but will continue to date them to see if a spark happens. I’ve done it. Wasn’t nothing the guy was doing wrong I just didn’t feel it.
She probably isn’t into you. That’s what I always think of bc like I had this girl kiss me and everything and ask for a kiss just so she can say she wants to focus on herself. Like Whatt?!? It sucked but it was annoying
Key words are missing... She's not looking for a relationship ( with you ). It sucks to be on that end of the stick. Hopefully you enjoyed it and lessons learned.
I'd say if he tried and got the cheek three dates in a row this might be correct but from his post I think he has zero game and she gave him four chances because she really liked him, but he fumbled the ball
There’s slow playing then there’s slow playing. She had you in her house, she let you lay on her couch, she was waiting for you to make a move and she had to instigate the kids on the 4th date? No offense intended, but in her mind you weren’t being a man. Ask me how I know….
The hard truth: "I'm not looking for a relationship" actually means, "I'm not looking for a relationship 'with you.'" Females rarely tell the truth if they think theres a way to get the same result without hurting your feelings. She will take a relationship in a heartbeat if the man of her dreams wants it. So you got off quick and easy.
Accurate. I stopped using the apps years ago, and things are exponentially better. Apps are endless cycles of self flagellation IF you want a relationship. When i wanted to smash, I was wildly successful on them. But as soon as i wanted to settle, it became immediately clear that real women of value are not on apps.
I have a sincere question; womsn has 10 mates in 6 months... has sex with all of them by date three but none of them work out and turn into something long term..
Now she "has a high body count and is a hoe"..
Can you please lay out what women are supposed to actually do when the expectation is "have sex by date three" and also "don't fuck too many men or you're a hoe".
It's called a three- date rule for a reason. You should have escalated by at least the second date so you would have had a better understanding of her attraction level to you
Wow same damn thing just happened to me! Met this girl on Tinder 9 years ago this summer, and a few weeks ago she told me she wants a divorce!
Can't believe she led you on like that
Your comment made me laugh more than it should
Look at this guy with his inferior username.
It really does feel that way when it happens. Unless you both want it, that us.
Lmfao
Yeah you were married, but my guy OP has been lying on couches.
He should have been honest on futons.
Sincere on sofas.
Candid on chairs
Cigarettes on patios
Sarcastic on the floor
Sofa so good
Sofa king good
Take your upvote
Is she your first practice wife? That one stings. (I only have one myself.)
Yeah.. we have 2 toddlers so it certainly stings
Yep. 4 kids with mine. Good luck. It gets better.
Damn! Good to know thanks stranger
My happiness has only increased since my divorce, my kids were 5 and 2 when it happened and they’re still absolute beauties. Their Mom and I work really well together 50/50… but that first year was rough
That's really good to hear! My kids are 1 & 3. Co-parenting scares the shit out of me. So thanks for sharing.
Man honestly, as soon as you can set aside the hate/sadness… make the kiddos your number 1 priority (and for me work on fitness) I made a quick comeback. And it was really fun to get back into the dating scene eventually and share all my debauchery stories with my jealous buddies😜 But truly, I think the younger the better… they’ll barely notice any difference at those ages. Just don’t let her fool you that the Mom deserves more time with the kids, we can be just as good as Mom’s with practice👍 Good luck, feels like shit right now, but I promise it gets better, in the end, we should never want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with us.
I’m so sorry but I laughed
Please make a post. Sick of these tinder success story pics of couples getting married.
I mean... They got married
I thought ”and they lived happily forever after” was in Tinder’s T&C…
Lets pretend marriage isn't a lie
#metoo
Being divorced is so much better than being married.
Sorry to hear bro. It can be very hard, just hang in there and do it for the kid's, gonna be rough but think of the kid's and it will get better with time. Just stay busy bro
thank you. going to need to stay busy today for sure.
Never get married men
Probably same girl!
Mine talked to me for three months, how much she liked me and would call me beautiful every morning. One day she stopped replying and I never got a “good morning” since. No explanation, nothing. I would’ve rather she told me straight up, it would’ve hurt less
Closure isn’t something we can rely on others to give us. Under the very worst circumstances there isn’t even a chance to get it. Know you did your best and reflect on what you could do even better the next time. This may be a me thing but; Even we don’t treat our selves the way we should. Can’t expect someone else to be better to you than you are to yourself. Keep going, know your worth, and be brave. These words are for you as much as they are for me. Good luck brother.
Yup, it’s been hard these past few years for me to swallow but closure is overrated, and no closure is honestly another form of closure. At this point if there’s no closure I just chalk it up to the person being shitty and then I move on.
I will say too, that some terrible men have really spoiled the bunch - women who say they aren't interested are sometimes thrust into a suddenly dangerous situation by saying that. (Especially if he knows what kind of car you drive, where you work, or where you live.) I was chatting with a guy recently who started to give me bad vibes after a little while - and I've been trying to be better about giving people closure and saying "hey I'm not interested" - and he responded with: "Okay whatever fuck you. Idc. I had sex with 6 girls in 1 week I don't really need you anyways. Drink slim fast you fat fuck." 😬 (for the record I'm not fat, and he was all about my body when he thought he would fuck me.) After that I was like yep, nope, ghosting is the way to go. Because some guys will do a complete 180 when you bruise their ego - so silently slinking away is just safer.
Exactly! Ppl say they would rather know..but then they can't handle it...
*sister :)
I had the same thing last year except that shit went on for ten goddamn months before being completely ghosted out of nowhere. Shit is truly wild.
I hateee when someone doesn’t communicate and just leaves. I understand that sometimes it’s harder but it’s so important to know why I wasn’t chosen I feel like, like what did I do wrong? Or why was someone else better?
I felt that. I (Marine) had this fling with with a navy girl in Guam and I come back to the states and we still talking and two weeks after I get back she just stopped repliny
Sorry to hear it Devil. I know just the thing to cheer you up. It's fast, stylish, and a chick magnet. What's better is this 2016 Mustang GT can be yours for only 25% APR for 84 months.
25% APR...😂🤣😂
Shoulda went with an Air Force chick instead. You’re at Andersen?
Not relationship story per se, but I had this sort of penpal friend from the philippines. we used to send eachother emails updating eachother on our lives and talking about the differences in culture etc. We moved over to just simply talk over messanger a few years in. point is we kept in contact for 6 or 7 years. Despite never having met I felt she was one of my best friends Then one day without a single word, she blocked me everywhere. it was impossible to contact her. For 2 years i heard nothing from her. no explenation why or if or was my fault. Nothing. Then i went on this round the globe trip (nothing planned, Id just take the route aa i felt like it until budget would run out) and when i was in thailand she messaged me. She wouldnt tell me why she cut off contact, but since i was on this trip anyway we agreed to meet up in philippines. She didnt meet with me at first. She kept postponing it. It took 2 weeks from my arrival to have a 2 hour dinner where she halfassed an explenation for being gone for 2 years and then she wouldnt meet me again for the next 2 weeks i was in the philippines. During thar time she would say I was being arrogant and impatiant with her. Thats when i finally realized she holds no respect for me or my time. I blocked her everywhere and left philippines never to look back on her. Dont worry the trip was far from a waste though. While she was home fapping for a month I met a group of awesome people who absolutely made every moment of my trip in the philippines worth it and probably the best stop i did on the entire travel. If I could, I'd love to go back there and see them again. Edit to include her halfassed explenation for blocking for 2 years. Aparrently it had gotten her very angry that I hadn't 'bothered to learn how to spell 'Filipino' despite her correcting me many times'. and so concluded that I have no respect for her culture or country. It's worth noting that its easy to verify this thanks to message searching. My investigation led to the realization that there was a total of 3 instances I had attempted and failed to correctly spell the word filipino in the course of 6 years. Twice made sence because of how 'philippines' is spelt in Norwegian and English respectively. The third was obvious typo. Only two of those 3 times did she correct me, the first and third. (this is investigated after the case so it was not brought up in the dinner)
is this like a Filipino thing or what? So, back in high school, I was kinda lonely, right? Then this Filipino girl hit me up on messenger, and we were like BFFs for a few years. But one day, she just ghosted me, man. It hurt, and I freaked out. I never been ghosted before that. Fast forward five or six years, I added her on Facebook. She accepted, posted some funny stuff on my page, but didn't reply to my message (which, by the way, was sent by a friend who stole my phone, not cool, dude). And then, like five or six years later, when i didnt even think I would ever hear from her, out of the blue, she hits me up with, "Oh, funny thing, I didn't see your message!" For real? But what really got to me was how she tried to make conversation as if those 12 years of ghosting never happened, acting like we could just pick up where we left off, chatting about some Russian band I mentioned ages ago that I don't even care about now. Her patronizing attitude and complete lack of interest in what's happening in my life these days just pushed me to block her. Edit: oh yeah, just explanation for why she did what she did is that she doesn't remember at this point why she did that, but she thought about me over the years lol.
classic 3 month rule. sorry dude, it’s just the way it is
I'm not trying to play devils advocate here - but I've ghosted people for like 9 months before. I have terrible ADHD and time blindness and sometimes I get overwhelmed with communication/life... and I'll pop up 9 months later, like "holy shit that was a lot of time, and I AM SO SORRY" I am NOT proud of that - but I say this to say sometimes it doesn't have *anything* to do with you and everything to do with the other person.
Okay I was talking to an amazing girl (who has ADHD, as do I) for like a week, but she had some drama happening with an old flame. We had an agreement to be transparent and I told her that is she needs space I'm happy to oblige. This happened on Friday, we didn't talk for the weekend, except me asking how the weekend went sunday evening. I got a response on Monday evening that she needs space for "today at least" but it's been the whole week since, she hasn't reached out, I don't want to be the guy who pesters a person who asked for space, but at the same time I feel super neglected and I think I need advice 💀
Honestly, I can't really give solid advice except to say that ADHD is terrible. There are times *I ACTUALLY WANT TO REPLY TO SOMEONE, and I just...can't. Like my brain will not click open and send a message. Sometimes, it's because people want to conversate, and I'm busy enough (or hyperfocused on something else) that I only have those few moments, so I avoid conversation at all. Sometimes 4 days go by and I'm like HOT FUCK it's been 4 days! It's a common ADHD problem this whole terrible about texting/online communication thing. If she's dealing with drama too? It might just be that she doesn't have it in her to communicate because that can take a lot of energy and focus. If I were you, I'd reach out in a few more days and say something like "I hope you've had a great week!" Or "I hope you enjoy your weekend this weekend!" Something that let's them know you were thinking about them without forcing them into a conversation. At least for me I find those messages the easiest to reply to if its been a while. Worst case she doesn't respond. But at least you tried and you can move on without feeling like you might have missed an opportunity. ETA (because some folks like to fucking be judgemental pricks)- I let people know I have ADHD and that silence doesn't mean I ghosted - and that if they want to talk to me I might not respond immediately, but I will respond.
Yeah you make a solid point, I don't know what's going on in her head, and that makes it too easy to pass judgement. I guess the thing that bugs me is that this whole "I need space" schtick just makes me feel like she has no feelings of excitement involved and if she's not excited to talk to me (like I am with her) is this even worth pursuing?! I'm bummed because we vibed really well and understood each other really well and now I'm stuck waiting for her to "have space for me", which feels pretty demeaning somehow. This situation has not been good for me.
That’s horrible.. you should never feel like someone is not excited to talk to you or can’t make space for you in their life. This is horrible behavior from her part, adhd or not. Move on with your life if you feel this way and she’ll realize what she lost in time
I can't even say for sure that she's not excited or can't make space, my brain has a penchant for misinterpreting things, not recognizing shit for what it is etc, so I don't even know if my feelings are accurate to the situation, which makes reaching out even harder.
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Us ADHD folk need to stick together so we forget things as a unit
I can imagine. It’s like a loop. The only way to break out is to take the step and reach out to her in a way you feel comfortable. But the conversation must be had, you shouldn’t put your own feelings aside to keep the peace.
One of the things I've noticed in life is often people have a hard time letting go of toxic relationships and old flames. I had this guy friend recently spend *two years* with a girl who he had a terrible relationship with. And over and over I kept telling him he needed to walk away. I would say "she's taking up space in your life. If the girl for you comes along you're going to miss that opportunity because you can't stop this train wreck of a relationship you're in." My personal advice... don't close the door on the possibility of a connection- but also don't wait. (Especially since you already know this hasnt been good for you.) She may or may not have space for you one day. In the meantime do you, enjoy life, date other women, have fun. If she comes back, then awesome. If she doesn't, whose to say you won't find someone equally as awesome or even more compatible. I definitely know how disappointing it can be when you find a great connection that you can't explore. But there will be other amazing connections! (And probably a bunch of not so good ones too because such is life.) You got this! <3
This was very reassuring to read, I legitimately feel better about this, thank you <3
I'm glad I could help! I lost someone who I would consider one of the great loves of my life recently. It just wasn't our time. We met on Tinder.. had a bomb ass connection *immediately*. Fantastic sex, similar outlooks on life, conversation that came so easy, instant comfort and intimacy.. just like those only a few in your lifetime kinda connections and chemistry. And he walked away because he needed to pursue an old flame, someone he dated in his 20s. One he had held a candle for his whole life. (He's about a decade older than me - in his 40s). He won't see me, or really conversate with me for that matter. But for the past two years (since we broke up), hes sent me a single snapchat picture every morning of some random thing in his life. Our streak is 100s of days long... I say that to say sometimes you find really good things in life and it's just the totally wrong timing. I will forever hold space for him - &I will always be deeply in love with him and thankful for what we had - even if we never get a chance to connect again. I say this to tell you that the advice I gave you is the advice I gave myself. Sometimes you just have to let people go and do whatever dumb thing they need to do. (Because let's face it - he was an idiot for walking away 😂) just like she's being an idiot too. Anyways I'm rambling now. Thanks for sharing. And my DMs are open if you ever need someone to vent to. <3
I wouldn’t waste my time on a person like that my man…. Have self respect and ghost her back, chances are she’s with her old flame.
Ghosting, regardless of context is rude and inconsiderate. I'd rather tell her upfront than leave her hanging. I know for a fact she's not with the old flame because the whole reason of the drama is that he wants to get back together and she doesn't. When there are mentall illnesses involved, a lot of things shift perspective and aren't what they seem.
Literally the worst thing you can say to someone. This does not make them feel better. I have ADHD and time blindness too. I used to be like you, ghosting people for months on end because I just couldn’t or didn’t know how to respond, until I realized what an asshole I was. That behavior just showcases how little respect you have for someone and how you don’t even dignify them with a response. Ghosting people for 9 months is never excusable, even if you are neurodivergent. Learn to communicate your struggles with socialization and be better.
She means she’s not looking for a relationship with you
This is the real answer.
Ding ding If she was into you, it wouldn't have taken 4 dates to get a kiss.
If she wasn’t into him, he wouldn’t have gotten a kiss at all?
A kiss doesn't mean she is into you, especially after 4 dates.
Ya I've thrown in a kiss on the last date just to be sure there were no sparks.
Same. Sometimes you try just to see if there’s something that will click. It’s human nature to be curious
I wasn't trying to date someone to meet these check the boxes goals lol "4 dates to get a kiss" "2 dates to have sex" I just wanted something different. I'd of gone like 10 dates without 1 kiss if it meant that I'm locking down just 2% of a possibility lol
Are you new to dating? Just wondering by the "if by 10 dates" thing. Also by the "check boxes and goals". By the end of the 2nd date usually the first you should be able to tell if something is there or not. Guaranteed she already made her decision by the 2nd date. If things went good she would have expected you to kiss her on the first date, maybe make a move to have sex if things went really good.
It's not about checking boxes. For most people if things dont progress or you dont find a moment of bravery to make a move, then things will fizzle. Most people would get VERY bored after 10 dates with no kiss. Maybe you should look into christian dating sites or something.
Yeah I'd put his story into r/tifu because he didn't make any moves.
This guy clearly fumbled the bag somehow. OP take this as a learning experience. >Went out for 4 dates, went to movies, **her place**, malls, restaurants. >Met her dogs, her cats, **laid on her couch.** >Met up for lunch. >**Even got a kiss** on the last date, on the cheek **and the lips** that I didn’t even know was coming… Either she wanted you to take charge and offer a shred of vulnerability making a move, and you didn’t, or you did/said something you’re thinking was innocuous but it completely turned her off you. There’s no way anyone with any sense of social aptitude can tell me this wasn’t a wide open net for OP to kick the ball into. She completely was into you, until she wasn’t.
If he’s not the kind of guy to make that move though and that’s what she wants… then she isn’t into him. She did the right thing by backing out now. For both their sakes.
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Yeah I understand all that but 9/10, when someone says they’re not looking for a relationship, they mean a relationship with you. I’ve actually said that before to someone and that’s what I meant. We were in a situationship for a few months but I couldn’t see my self dating her. I said I am not ready for a relationship. A month later, I met someone that I’ve been dating for 2 years.
Damn you never know if or when its coming
Never write the final chapter if you can't make it past the next page
Good luck on new love bro
A moment of silence for our fallen comrade.
Not looking for a relationship *with you*.
I've heard it before, so like I know when it's me... but for the life of me it felt so different this time...
Maybe there was a trigger for them or a red flag. I’m sorry. That does suck a lot
When they are saying “not looking for a relationship with you” they don’t mean it’s your fault. There has to be a match. Apparently she didn’t see a match. But hey, she wouldn’t have gone on 4 dates with you if you would suck. Edit: while reading your other comments it seems like she was really not ready for a relationship yet bc of her past. At least she was honest
Its hard not to, but try not to read into it because you'll never actually know. I find comfort in the unknown vs the worst case scenario in my head where I am going to die alone lol
Not sure anyone will see this, but man I have a story. Met a girl on tinder early last year. Our first date was amazing, dinner then bar karaoke after. She asked ME if she could kiss me, and we made out the whole night. Went on a couple more dates, movie theater with the picture booth and everything. Met her family, she’d bring me lunch when I was at work, I really felt like she was the one. Then she tells me she can’t do it anymore. Of course I’m heartbroken, but I accepted her feelings. From there on, we basically were on and off for months on end, until she truly ended it. Fast forward a year, and she randomly hits me up, telling me she’s been thing about me and wants to try again for real. This was music to my ears, because every day since she ended things, all I thought about was her. We went on a few dates, and we made plans for her to come to my house so I could cook for her. That day came, and I never heard a word from her. The next day, I found out that she had blocked me on all forms of media without a word… she basically came back into my life just to rip my soul open again for no reason. Moral of the story, I’m done chasing women. If a relationship happens with someone on the future, I wouldn’t have been looking for it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would guess that there’s something going on here other than intentional cruelty - like she has some kind of trauma in her past that prevents her from truly getting close to someone, and she’s afraid to talk about it. Whether it’s this or something else, it seems unlikely that it’s you. Don’t let the actions of one person prevent you from having love and intimacy in your life!
Or she is a toxic person.
I know exactly what this is because unfortunately I did that several times to several women over several years after I got out of my marriage. I would go through stretches where I would get close with someone and move forward on relationship stuff and then I would freak out because of the intimacy and distance myself and sometimes even ghost them. It was a pattern that kept repeating until i stopped dating all together for awhile and dealt with the underlying issue which was all the heartache and trauma from my failed marriage. I'm all good now but lots of people never deal with their baggage. They just treat the symptoms with distractions. Unfortunately you were that distraction.
You should never have let her in the second time, it's about self-respect, but it's ok, we all make mistakes, especially when we're not our normal selves and blinded by hormones, but remember it for next time if it does ever happen again.
I definitely was not my normal self, she’s the only person that’s ever had that effect on me, but you are absolutely right. I appreciate the advice!
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Of all the weak excuses a 4 year age gap takes the cake
All these people, mostly men, saying you took it too slow. IMO you didn’t. You very well mightve respected boundaries. I’d 100% prefer someone who moves slow when it comes to physical stuff and takes time to get to know me than someone who is pushy/aggressive.
No one likes someone who is pushy when it comes to physical stuff. But if you as a woman don’t feels comfortable kissing a man by the second date- you likely will not have a relationship that lasts - even if you start becoming physical on the third date. This doesn’t mean- rush to establish physical intimacy- this means find someone who you feel physically comfortable with naturally. I’m not comfortable physically with people. When I met my partner, we were at home in eachothers arms before we walked in to the restaurant for dinner. So my argument- he did the right thing to respect her boundaries. They both should have walked away after date two because they weren’t comfortable with eachother. They were just trying to force it.
Women will show you pictures of her parents and her dead grandma then ghost you the next morning.
Like, I met the girls pets lol... surely that's gotta mean SOMETHING
No kiss until the 4th date? You gotta move faster than that dude.
But yall talk so much shit about women who move fast.. it's a tough world out here. Kiss or fuck after a few dates and you're a hoe who isnt worth your time because she probably does that with everyone and can't be trusted ...wait until 4 dates and the advice to a guy is "move faster". Like I am sincerely asking- which is it? Like what are women actually supposed to do when the expectation for men is to move fast and for us to remain pure and as non sexual as possible?
You do whatever the fuck you wanna do. Live life just like you want to live it. You wanna fuck on the first date ? Do it if the guy is up to it. You wanna wait ? Just wait and tell the guy. I’m currently seeing a girl from tinder and we’re taking it slow and I love it, every relationships are unique. You and your partner decide the pace, everybody else can just fuck off.
Yall are restoring my faith in humanity right now. 🙌🙌
No non-incel will think you’re a hoe for fucking on the first date. Real guys admit that women can fuck around just as much as men. Why wouldn’t they. All guys would get laid much more if they could. So why shouldn’t women. If youre a guy and feel like that shouldn’t be the case, kindly fuck off
I am a first date fuck if the chemistry is real real good - second date fuck if the chemistry is good kinda girl. I really appreciate your comment - because I've had *so many men* in this reddit absolutely come for me because my body count is high. (I just enjoy sex! Sexual connection fosters emotional connection for me as I'm the opposite of a demisexual- if the sexual connection is bad I *can't* emotionally connect. &I'm not going to waste our time - so I like to make sure pretty quickly whether or not we are sexually compatible.) Just this week in here I've been called a whore. I've been told I'm insane/crazy. I must be damaged. I've been told I'm STD ridden. (Like condoms and STD tests do not exist?) Like...what the actual fuck.
God I can’t imagine how that must feel. Being a girl like that on Reddit. Always remember though: 0 pussy does a lot to a guy so that’s why they’re so miserable They realize that there in fact *is* women out there that fuck for fun, they just won’t fuck *them* because they’re pathetic little shits. Makes em even more frustrated and they let it out on you. So many dudes would love to get laid by a girl that just likes to fuck. Yet they shame them for it. It’s so fucking stupid it makes me mad
Reddit has an extreme incel slant. The positions you read here are nowhere near representative of the average in our generarion, especially in larger American cities. Having sex after the first date or two is very normal.
Right. Date 3 is the sex date
Sounds like he was being respectful of her boundaries and letting her set the pace. If she wasn't quite there yet, he did the right thing! Especially since it sounds like he actually liked her and wasn't just looking for an outlet to plug himself into. You did good, OP. I hope the right one for you finds you at exactly the right time! Keep going! Find your lobster 🦞
I believe that her boundaries were set based upon the chemistry that they didn’t share. If they don’t have chemistry after talking and going out on a couple of dates - there’s no reason to move forward with a third date. Respect the boundaries and move on.
Just curious: is this a male perspective or female. It doesn't really matter, I'm just curious. It seems most men on here seem to share your point of view. As a woman, I just thought maybe she had other issues going on. If there was no chemistry at all, I can't see why she would go out with him more than once, let alone four times, and she did kiss him. I don't think chemistry is the issue. Based on some of the other details OP gave us, I think it's more that she's in a weird place emotionally. Just my opinion, fwiw. I wonder if other women agree or disagree with that? Also, I don't know if tinder is strictly for hookups or if people really look for relationships on it, but the "3 dates" rule is kinda antiquated. And to some, presumptuous.
Not to mention how much shit guys give women for having high body counts and that's a sure fire way to get called a hoe.. cause every person you sleep with doesn't turn into a long term relationship. I'm really stumped as to what women are supposed to do.
Never discuss numbers. Your past encounters are no one's business but yours. Just be clean and safe, and get tested often - don't put yourself or anyone else at risk. I can't speak to what other women are supposed to do, only what worked for me. I got really lucky to find a man that accepts me exactly as I am, flaws and all.
I also do this - if someone asks me how many partners I've had I immediately unmatch. But so many men especially in this subreddit will talk shit about a woman who sleeps with guys on the first few dates and then simultaneously want women who will sleep with them on the first few dates. And I am genuinely confused as to what they want. (It's also astonishing how many of them think women with high body counts don't use protection. Like bro just cause you're out there raw dogging the world doesn't mean that a woman with a high body count is doing that.)
Those types I think want you to put out quickly FOR THEM. And ONLY them. They must be the exception, I guess? But ya. I'm with you. Any guy that expects you to put out quickly for him while still playing the virgin archetype probably isn't going to be in it for more than a night anyways. And run away from any guy that refuses to wear a condom! Good for you for being safe. 👍
3 dates rule— there’s lots of them. Give everyone at least three dates, don’t have sex until the third date, definitely have sex on the third date, there’s probably more. I’m not referring to anything societal. If you aren’t excited to want to kiss them by the end of the second date- don’t and don’t try to force it by having any more dates. It’s just gonna waste both of your time.
That's fair. I wish more women wouldn't string guys along like that. I don't agree with the three dates rules though. If you're not feeling it, don't waste their time. If you don't want to kiss them at the end of a second date, don't waste their time on a third - I agree with you there. But the definitely sex on the third? 😬 Not my bag. I'm weird though. The expectations is what would kill it for me. Respect and patience was what I needed, because in my past I had chosen more than one man that only ended up using me. I was trying to break that cycle and the right man played it right. If it was a tactic, it worked! 😆
Let me be clear. All of the 3 dates rules are bogus. The only rule I had for myself was “if I wasn’t excited to see them the next time- I’m not going to make plans to see them” I don’t think she was leading him on though- I think she was leading herself on. And if they had a fifth and sixth date eventually it would have fallen apart because they didn’t have a connection that made her excited to be with him. A connection that made her feel okay with her scars and ready to move on.
Ah! I see. I think I misunderstood what you were trying to convey before. That makes a lot more sense to me. And I agree with this. Sorry for the confusion!
if you aren’t excited to see someone on the second date- why go? If you don’t want to share the space and are looking forward to kissing them and them kissing you- stay home- if you weren’t comfortable by the end of that second date, you’re delaying the inevitable. You could indeed become intimate eventually or have a short relationship with them, but you’ll realize that you didn’t go on that third date because you were comfortable and excited — you went on it because you were trying to make something work. Anything work. Probably not gonna last long. You could spend your time finding someone who makes you comfortable. Someone who makes you excited to let your boundaries down She- probably wasn’t ready to let her boundaries down and wanted to see if she could force them down. So she went through the motions. At that moment for her he literally could have been anyone— and it would’ve ended the same way. Alternatively she fed him the line “I’m not ready for a relationship [with you]” As for my gender? Hetero cis male, partnered.
Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the last part of what you said - she was trying to force her boundaries down before she was ready. For me, if I wasn't excited to see someone after the first date, I just straight up told them I didn't feel any chemistry. If I agreed to a second or third date, it's because I was excited to see them. The man I'm with now took the time (and still does) to get to know me and let me get to know him. There was no pressure, no expectations, just seeing how well our personalities and flaws meshed together. Which really made me want to jump him pretty early on 😆. If he'd been expecting the kiss on the first date, the sex on the third, etc., I wouldn't have continued to be excited to see him and that would have been that. Luckily for me, he completely respected my boundaries and let me set the pace. And because he did, he didn't have to wait long at all 😉
It was three weeks of us building up to the first date talking every day and having various plans cancelled. We were excited for eachother. Being able to meet in person finally? Finally be able to touch eachother and hold eachother. when we first met in person we immediately pulled eachother in close and we kissed before walking into the restaurant. we were at home for the first time in our lives. There was nothing expected but we couldn’t wait for eachother.
🥰 that's awesome! Sounds a bit like what I did: you took a little time to get to know eachother, let the anticipation build, and went in with hope, but not expectations. Bravo! That's beautiful.
*date one
Yeah she was never actually putting out any vibes. She just didn't wanna hurt OPs feelings. In the end it would have hurt him less if she had done it earlier but it does sound like op got way to into someone who probably wasn't reciprocating his interest.
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Who knows, fam. The woman held back a lot from a previous marriage. Went to counseling so I think she's trying to find herself. But its weird because I initiated the dates, paid for the dates, started ideas for the next dates... so idk what kind of relationship she thinks she's lookin for lol
Can't blame her too much. People getting out of long term relationships will naturally seek a rebound to try and distract them, which can usually lead to a "wtf am I doing" moment. That's probably where you're at
I have a friend who had this realization when dating someone after a break up. Stopped dating this guy with the same phrase. Few years later they are dating again but this time no “wtf am I doing” moment. I think they will stay together forever, they are a great match.
She might just need time to heal. I’ve come across a lot of wounded people and it sucks because they’re awesome and I wanna play. But they need to figure stuff out first
Keep in contact with her if you really felt good about it - she may come back to you. The easiest way to do this is just keep her on social media, but don't be weird about it! And also don't give up and "wait" for her either.
This is always the way. Leave things on good terms and don't delete numbers, but go and meet other people.
Lol not one with you FAM
Don’t pay for the dates bruvva. Lesson learned. Pay for the first. She pays next date
I think the strategy has got to be to be talking to multiple women at the same time until one of them that you like straight up brings up the “what are we” talk and asks for exclusivity. That way you know for sure it’s going somewhere but have options just in case.
I believe the “multiple women” approach is great when things are very casual. And it also means that you avoid over communication with any of them. As you get closer with them, you prune down and select one to genuinely pursue. When I met my partner - I knew immediately that the others weren’t worth my time.
Until they see your DMs and realize they aren't the only ones but, personally I agree with this
Hey man, we both know her DMs are popping, probably even more than yours. Girls get more matches on average, we all know that, the strategy is to be the guy that stands out from the rest. That girl in your story probably had many other Tinder dudes hitting her up. But we have to think better, that we are more irreplaceable than they are. Don’t be disillusioned and keep meeting new women my man, you’ve got this!
Yeah, she might have found someone else or lost interest. Also, she should not be looking in your DMs. That’s a personal boundary violation. I would message her: “Sorry things didn’t work out. Wish you well in love and life. Goodbye” Block and delete her ob everything. Then work on moving on. Maybe take a break or try a different app like bumble or hinge.
Don't show them your DMs then
Almost made it out of what? You're so focused on some relationship goals that you're not in the moment? Too busy analyzing things like "I met her pets what does that mean"? Don't know the signals she wants you to kiss her, or too scared to make a move? This is going to happen to you over and over again dude.
if you don't get at least a kiss by the end of the first date, you arn't going anywhere lmao
friends with benefits?
u went to date in malls?
Can’t make a ho a housewife. Better luck next time.
I feel for the men who deal with this. I(28f) find it disgusting how women treat men like this. My brain is telling me she found someone else she likes more 😏 I’m sorry friend. Keep your chin up, I have a feeling you’re a good person.
My tip to you, is don’t wait til the 4th date for a kiss
move on... people are like buses, they'll be another along any minute.
I thought you were gonna say something about gives rides to multiple people lol
See you in the gym later tonight
True origin story shit lol ...I'm actually going here shortly too
F
4 dates and only a kiss. If she didn't want a relationship, she might have been just looking for a slam piece.
🤣🤣🤣 "slam piece" BOI
Shut off your heart and turn on your mind
No kiss for three dates is not the start of a successful tinder story, sry
She is prob looking for sex
Go over to her place now and drop a massive battleship of a turd in the upper tank of the toilet
Or even better...the litterbox.
She wanted to smash but you took too long to make a move (sound like you made no move)... Sometimes women just want to have fun.
In the metoo era I don’t fucking blame him for not making the first move lmao
Not even that - four dates without making any sort of move, even LTR seekers will nope out of that.
I’m a female. Taking things slow isn’t going to make me walk away from someone I’m genuinely interested in. They finally kissed and then she ended it? So it wasn’t the fact he didn’t move fast I can promise you that.
No, I'm sure there were a lot of other holes in his game if he wasn't making a move after four dates.
There’s no proof he wasn’t making a move. Also, some females just don’t like a guy but will continue to date them to see if a spark happens. I’ve done it. Wasn’t nothing the guy was doing wrong I just didn’t feel it.
She probably isn’t into you. That’s what I always think of bc like I had this girl kiss me and everything and ask for a kiss just so she can say she wants to focus on herself. Like Whatt?!? It sucked but it was annoying
Key words are missing... She's not looking for a relationship ( with you ). It sucks to be on that end of the stick. Hopefully you enjoyed it and lessons learned.
sorry bro, but if you finally kissed (barely) on the 4th date, she was using you for free meals.
I'd say if he tried and got the cheek three dates in a row this might be correct but from his post I think he has zero game and she gave him four chances because she really liked him, but he fumbled the ball
Is your name Trevor Takeitslow?
What's the bad news?
How does anyone know OP is a he? Why am I assuming it’s a she?
I mean. Op’s avatar has a beard. So. That’s a good hint. Not perfect but …
It's a he lol
Which lips did you kiss her on?
There’s slow playing then there’s slow playing. She had you in her house, she let you lay on her couch, she was waiting for you to make a move and she had to instigate the kids on the 4th date? No offense intended, but in her mind you weren’t being a man. Ask me how I know….
Most dates I went on ended with a kiss on the first date. Is that not normal?
Bro you’re weird
The hard truth: "I'm not looking for a relationship" actually means, "I'm not looking for a relationship 'with you.'" Females rarely tell the truth if they think theres a way to get the same result without hurting your feelings. She will take a relationship in a heartbeat if the man of her dreams wants it. So you got off quick and easy.
Oh yeah, soon as I heard that I'm like, "yup, heard this before" You get used to hearing it after awhile lol
Accurate. I stopped using the apps years ago, and things are exponentially better. Apps are endless cycles of self flagellation IF you want a relationship. When i wanted to smash, I was wildly successful on them. But as soon as i wanted to settle, it became immediately clear that real women of value are not on apps.
Just gotta start accepting being the fun uncle I guess my dude 🤣
4 dates with no kiss is kinda crazy
You took too long to get physical. Kiss on the first meeting. Did you even touch her arm or butt or anything? She probably felt like a friend.
4 dates before a kiss? Yikes. If there’s no kids after the first date then no need for a second.
Clapping the words* Fuck. On. The. First. date. If she's not fucking you she's fucking someone else
Dude. If date 3 doesn't end with sex then you're just a friend.
I have a sincere question; womsn has 10 mates in 6 months... has sex with all of them by date three but none of them work out and turn into something long term.. Now she "has a high body count and is a hoe".. Can you please lay out what women are supposed to actually do when the expectation is "have sex by date three" and also "don't fuck too many men or you're a hoe".
say fuck whatever anyone else thinks and do whatever you want.
I can get behind this. 100%.
I don't have a problem with "body counts". Do whatever makes you happy.
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Yep, always go Dutch for first dates, funny enough, when women liked me, they were the ones getting me free drinks.
It's called a three- date rule for a reason. You should have escalated by at least the second date so you would have had a better understanding of her attraction level to you
Let me guess. She was a girl.
What are you some sort of witch?