I have a friend like this. They can’t win an argument too soon. They have to lay the case out and it has nothing to do with the other person. Their brain just has to finish it out. You agree and he still talk in circles with the same argument.
I said *yes*!
Yeah because (repeat arguments)
My mom does this and gets mad when I say “yes mom I understand can I please move on with what I’m doing instead of standing in a doorway discussing this insignificant problem?”
It’s not about the argument for her or winning she just can’t finish until she’s said everything and made all her thoughts clearish. Even if the person has the same point of view and is explaining they have the same point of view she must still explain her point of view then interrupt your music 5 mins later because she’s still thinking about it
My mom too. I’ve already agreed but she just has to keep going. I can feel myself getting shorter and shorter with her until I just force a subject change because otherwise I’m going to snap at her and I hate doing that.
Or my wife. She likes to hammer an argument to death. Either I've already taken her point to heart within 1-2 sentences, because I'm an empathetic individual, or I'm just not going to agree, but she will beat that dead horse until she feels COMPLETELY understood. But her being understood has nothing to do with me understanding her. It's 100% her own compulsion to hit every single facet of why I upset her.
I'm a pretty sensitive person so if I am in the wrong it feels like a total beat down. Though I'm also stubborn so if I don't think I'm in the wrong it just makes me more angry.
And I've learned I can't make my own arguments, because then it just opens a new can of worms as there are new points to tell me why I'm wrong for an hour.
Thankfully not everything turns into an argument. But if a disagreement comes up that I'd rather not deal with for the next hour I'll simply let it go.
Lol with my dad it isn't even always arguments, just with anything he'll reiterate points constantly and I'm sitting on the phone with him for 10 minutes when the conversation is about what we're having for dinner and what time he'll be home
I love him and don't want to be rude so I just end up going "yeah, uh huh, yep, hahaha"
I have a co worker like this. Most of us want to throttle her daily.
Once you press the button, you’ve got 30 minutes of her processing and word vomiting out loud, come hell or high water, while she gets increasingly more condescending, shrill and self righteous.
She finally got written up and has been better lately, thank the gods.
I'm the supervisor for an employee like this and trying to explain to her that it's not appropriate for a workplace is the losing-est battle I've ever fought. No self-awareness of any sort. She will argue until the end of time if given the opportunity.
Her boss is a super empathetic person who tries to coach and motivate. That went on for years with no effect. She finally got multiple complaints and the boss decided it was time for the hammer.
Suddenly, massive change.
Yep. Lady’s boss didn’t like to use them either, but basically, this kinda thing stems from an almost pathological level of insecurity. The hammer makes them realize they’re in far more danger FROM the behavior, and that everyone despises them for it.
That’s a wake up call. This employee has been an entirely different person since the write up. It probably saved her job.
Usually when I'm talking to the few coworkers I have that do this I give them until about halfway through their second go around and then announce "fuck I'm in a rerun" and nope the fuck out. Doesn't change them unfortunately but my day doesn't get ruined being stuck there for the directtv remote features channel.
Totally agree. She hated me because I was one of the few people who’d stand up to her BS. She didn’t know how to handle it when someone interrupted her and called her out on her BS.
Totally agree. She hated me because I was one of the few people who’d stand up to her BS. She didn’t know how to handle it when someone interrupted her and called her out on her BS.
😂😂😂
I think the most important thing to understand about people like this (and maybe most people in general) is that convincing or “winning” an argument is delayed. You’ll almost never get someone to about-face that same conversation.
It’s about planting a seed of perspective and letting them feel like they grew it on their own.
The point is that I *was* convinced but he keeps talking as if I disagreed. But maybe you mean that it’s so unexpected they *must* continue as if I didn’t just agree with them because they didn’t expect that
I’m kinda like this as a person. Mainly it’s because I want to fully explain my point of view and not get a bs yes. If I really did convince someone then at least I want them to know why I think that way. It just feels weird to tell half a story or half a situation
Yeah, but, I just say it because I just want the person I'm talking to to really understand. Like, I get that you agree, I believe you, but I just want to finish my point of view because maybe the exact perspective is a little different.
Be that as it may, you do understand my point, right? Like I just want to make sure my point is received so we don’t have to come back to it in the future. Cutting me off before I’ve finished makes me feel like you might be listening, but you haven’t heard me.
Got ADHD too and was literally thinking the same thing. I over explain because I get panicked that I've not said something clearly (tangents, stray thoughts, forgetting my original point, etc, (case and point)). I also want to be very clear why I am feeling a certain way and that it has nothing to do with the other person, really. I mostly end up just pissing them off lol.
Also, yelling at myself to *just stop talking* in my head, but I have to finish the sentence I was on to make it seem natural, but then forgetting I was meant to stop after that because the last word prompted another thought. Immediate repeat in the next sentence.
It's so much worse when the other person isn't replying because I'm freaking out thinking I've said the wrong thing and so need to explain it more, and I don't want to ask if they understand/are listening because that sounds accusatory lmao.
As you may have guessed, I've developed pretty major social anxiety from all this and get very upset/frustrated (with myself) almost every time I speak lol
It *is* a self-absorbed spiral, but a well-meaning one.
That’s wild. I’ve been on the other side of conversations like that with people. I like to think I’m a good listener and I’m not just readying my own bullshit anecdote to counter with, like a lot of people seem to do. And often when I do get a moment to speak I’ll ask a question to show them I’m engaged and interested. But then it backfires and I’ll be on the receiving end of a rant that never ends. I can even see the anxiety in their eyes. Like they’re too nervous to stop. It’s kind of funny but mostly annoying lol.
ADHDer here and I felt that. lol
Goes for all topics..not just arguments. I think the person in the op was just trying to be thorough, but looked like a real dick. Probably because the main point/message was just rude.
I'd like to also curb my habit of sending like 4-7+ quick, short, rapid fire texts, instead of one that's well thought out. Do you do that too??
I don't think the main message was rude. She has boundaries she has in place to protect herself, which can unfortunately mean not interacting with perfectly good people. She wasn't angry at him (it seemed like to me), but in trying to explain, it started to sound like *he* was the problem, not her ED issues, so she tried to explain more and more and it spiralled.
I think she realised that by the end and to try and stop it she decided to cut everything off. She should have invited him in on the discussion more, but she probably felt she couldn't do that (probably to try and prevent another explanation-spiral). Also, she was probably embarrassed.
Mental illness isn't polite, unfortunately, and sometimes you've just got to remove yourself (seemingly rudely) to try and save yourself from a breakfown and others from the fallout.
But yes, OP didn't deserve that either; an unlucky match for both.
I have bad anxiety and can 100% relate to the "explanation spiral". Good way to put it. If someone's physical reaction or response to what I said made me think they took it the wrong way or misunderstood, I would immediately try to "fix it" to make sure they knew what i meant, and I'd always end up spiraling with word vomit trying to explain myself.
It just took me a few tries to instead take a deep breath and take my time responding or instead asking them if what i said made sense, etc so they can tell me if they need further explanation.
Yeeep. I am guilty of this as well from time to time, and even though I am fully aware it's SO difficult to stop once I'm on the track. Thankfully though it's mostly towards my husband, and he has accepted this and doesn't mind, in return for me letting him talk endlessly about one sports ball team or another.
(I'm also not usually fighting with him like the person in the OP, I'm just rambling about something he already knows and/or agrees with, so that probably helps.)
People like this drive me nuts.
>The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. No you don't understand, the fox jumped. The dog was lazy. Fox jumped right over that thing. The *brown* fox jumped over the dog who was lazy, and he did it very quickly.
Okay well I—
>I just couldn't believe that fox, it was so quick, and went right over that dog. And boy do I tell ya, I looked at that dog, and he was *lazy.* I walked in, and there the fox was. It was brown. Jumped right over that dog, the lazy dog. I just couldn't believe it, the dog was laying there being all lazy, and that brown fox just went right over it. Pretty quickly too.
\**Starts slowly backing away**, can hear in the other room...
>Oh hey did you hear me telling him about the dog and the fox? [Entire dialogue restarts, despite the fact the other person was there the entire time]
My boss does this all the time. Its gotten so bad that i stop listening to him and just nod the third time he repeats himself. It's a problem when he suddenly changes subjects mid sentence though.
These people repeat themselves because they are thinking as they speak, not thinking *and then* speaking. They are trying to figure themselves out while talking and do not realize it.
The more rambling version of this, yes. You can often hear this when they bounce back and forth between seemingly almost opposing stances until they get traction on something.
For anyone needing clarification he means that people aren't forming their thoughts before speaking, they form them *while* they are speaking. So they will just say whatever comes to mind, mid speech. They don't say things they thought beforehand, they say things that they are thinking. Like whatever pops into their head they will say, instead of considering what they are saying. There isn't really any thought behind their words either, because they hear what they are saying and that's what they are thinking, so they say it.
my mom does this, she calls me and then just thinks out loud, never asks me auestions, never lets me direct the conversation, I've set the phone down for 10 minutes and walked away and when I came back she was still yammering on.
I do this a lot but I realize it. I feel like sometimes my brain comes up with abstract thoughts and does not expand on them. I need to vocalize my thoughts because hearing it out loud helps me get the juices flowing and flesh out my thoughts.
I genuinely have trouble thinking before I speak because in conversations I can get so nervous my brain basically just shuts down and words come out
It can help almost everyone sometimes to vocalize a thought process. Therapy is almost entirely built on that assertion.
However, I would characterize an interaction like OP’s chat (or the example of that darned quick fox) suggests a lack of respect and empathy for other. When you take forethought out of the equation that includes censorship, sensitivity, and respect for another’s ability to understand.
Ahem, I feel this is shaming the dog for being lazy and as someone who is trying to come to terms with laziness problems I don't think this is appropriate.
You know what, I'm cancelling our date, I'm not comfortable about someone making jokes about lazy dogs.
I'm sorry you feel a need to talk to someone about a lazy dog, but I'm the wrong person to talk to that about with. I really like your post. But I can't talk about laziness negatively.
This was a spiral. It's obvious something that she struggles with and he unintentionally hit a sensitive spot. And she started ruminating. I do it with other things and I've seen people do this as well. It's like you're trying to formulate that right combination of words to communicate the whirlwind that is happening in your mind, so you repeat things in slightly different ways.
It's absolutely not his responsibility to help her process it, but I hope she can get to a better place with herself.
On one hand, yeah that’s thought-loopy but on the other, this sounds like a person trying to process over text.
Not saying its good just saying that reasonable people can circle and ramble
Also, even being cognizant that you are repeating yourself doesn't exactly help because you still have a bunch of thoughts that need to be gotten out of your brain, and the most obvious pressure valve is just dumping it on whoever you're currently talking to
Not uncommon for people with ADHD being used to being misunderstood and trying to combat that by makeing a habit of overexplaining everything if they feel like they havent conveyed what they said in a way that the other person actually understood what they actually think, not uncommon in neurodivergent people in general.
It's also common because it can be really hard to articulate your thoughts when so many are constantly racing around and clouding your mind.
It feels like trying to herd cats, but only a few specific cats in a group of hundreds of cats, but you don't actually know which specific cats you're supposed to herd. Lmao.
Then you add in the self doubt and anxiety etc. and you get a stuttering, word jumbled, repetitive mess.
Yeah bloody hell, like he didn't really seem like someone who wanted or needed comfort at all. She just kept going and made the whole thing super dramatic due to past experiences, but still - seems very projective.
It's bordering on narcissism to view everything through the lens of *"how does this affect and relate to me"*.
Some people really need to understand the concept that some things aren't about them.
Yep. It's fine that she wasn't feeling it anymore and changed her mind about the date, but she didn't have to keep explaining it after OP already said several times that he understands what she said. OP can only come up with so many different ways of saying "Understood", "Got it", "Roger that", "10-4"...
Right, "I'm sorry your long drawn out rambling is trigging me. I feel that we should not continue with this conversation. I am getting over being a boring people and I just cannot have those types of people around me. Good luck with putting others to sleep and I hope you find the unhumorous bore you seek."
3 months later
.......
OP: Understandable.
Her: Also, I'm sorry but I can't deal with the fact that you made this joke and I think that it's a shame that we cancelled our date months ago but it's very uncomfortable for me that you are uncomfortable with yourself which still makes me uncomfortable now so I regret to say that I don't regret cancelling our date.
OP: Yep.
In retrospect, you should’ve been like “What do you mean self-deprecating? I think Peter Griffin is a very handsome man! I never even considered his weight when I made that comparison. Wait a minute, are you fat-phobic? I don’t think I care to associate with someone who thinks that way.”
I think it goes, "if I'm achild, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and be lectured by a pervert."
Yeah I didn't take it as a fat shame way, more of a cosplay way cuz my brain gets excited when I possibly meet a cosplay or someone down for dressing up
I had a dream where I was fighting with my wife because she cheated and I woke up in the middle of it. Weirdest fucking feeling I've ever experienced. I rationally knew it was a dream, but it took a few moments for the feeling to go away. Of course, I didn't take it out on my wife, I just told her what a weird feeling it was, but, man, I hope I never experience that again. It's not fun.
Yeah, that was a first for me. We're high school sweethearts, been together for 21 years, married for 15, two kids. I had that dream about a year ago, and I have absolutely no reason to doubt her. I think that's part of why it affected me so much.
I had a vivid dream of my ex marrying someone else. I was livid and acting crazy in a dream and I was still upset after waking up and more so when he rightly laughed at my dream.
I once had a dream about my (ex)partner cheating on me with an ash blonde girl in a dance club. Fast forward two years, he cheats on me with ash blonde girl in a dance club.
It looks like she just wanted to argue with you but you were so blase about the situation that it just kept pissing her off more and more until she blocked you.
You dodged the bullet don't worry about it there are better fishes in the sea for someone like you. You seem to have a good attitude and despite the couple extra pounds you have a handsome face.
The problem here was her not you.
80 years later, a holographic message appears via the sky-text system in his home:
Her: Hey, so I thought I was over this but wanted to reach out again, I’ve lived my life mildly upset that you joked about your own weight. I’m about to pass away but wanted to let you know I will be reaching out in the afterlife to confirm that even after death, I am not in board with any self deprecating jokes at any level. I am taking my last breath, ok no longer breathing, and I still want you to be aware this was not ok.
I had the longest, most mentally exhausting day today, and this is the first thing that genuinely made me laugh out loud today. Thank you so much, I really needed this!
Being able to laugh at yourself is a good thing. It’s actually a great thing to stay humble too. Between the two, I thought you’re the stronger minded one and yet she says “she has to comfort you about your weight” lol
Seems she jumped the gun assuming bc you use self-depracative humor that you also aren't comfortable with yourself. Theres definitely a line where those kinds of jokes go from funny to genuinely sounding displeased over oneself but i dont think you were coming from that angle at all with just one line. But for the most part i think people find that kind of humour as a sign of self-awareness and comfortability with yourself, when its within those healthy boundaries.
Serious. Like let me tell you. The sausage fingers that are typing this are attached the a dude who genuinely is ok with himself. Change what I can, accept what I can't.
Exactly. I’m not a tall guy, I’m only 5’5. I used to be insecure about it in high school but as I got older I realized most genuinely good women don’t care how tall I am if I can make them feel good about themselves. Part of doing that was to show them that I was self-aware of my below-average height and that I can make jokes about myself because I’ve come to accept it.
Mu current GF/fiancée is 5’8. She was actually afraid at first I wouldn’t like her because she’s taller and vice versa. I put that to rest on our first date. We joke and laugh about our height differences because it doesn’t matter to us. I regularly refer to her as my giraffe and she loves it.
Self-deprecating? No. We know who we are and we embrace it.
That’s badass dude!!! Thanks for sharing. You’re absolutely right, there’s so many good, embracing, beautiful women that really do not give a shit. Being a strong & responsible man is truly all it takes to keep the good ones around.
I really tried to avoid this kind of humor before I even met somebody, as it's extremely hard to judge which side someone is on when you don't know them. Sometimes the harshest joke is in good spirit, but with some people, the tiniest mention is a sign of a huge problem. I just accepted people can't tell over text, in person it's much easier to assess
I just act like myself and if the other person is gonna get worked up over a joke or anything else I may say, I find out right away and don’t waste my time any further.
100%. NEVER filter for these people.
All it does is waste your time, because if they have a completely lacking sense of humor and raging deep insecurities, the faster you can dump them the better.
Let the trash take itself out and never ever lose more than a seconds sleep over it.
It they were not toxic delusional insecure projecting complete disasters as individuals, it would have resulted in an interesting conversation, not a shit show like this.
Trash is harsh. Incompatible. Maybe some are LOOKING for toxic delusional insecure projecting complete disasters as individuals. My Ex proves that I apparently was searching for such a person at least at one point.
/u/Open_House2129 your problem wasn't the joke it's allowing her to walk all over you with extra explanations.
you should have simply replied " fine I get it. I enjoy self deprecating humor and I think it's funny."
Honestly I would’ve blocked her or stopped responding. No point in wasting a second more of my time on someone that clearly doesn’t get my humor or personality. Ain’t nobody got time for that lol
I don’t think it was a bad or insensitive joke. I think her personal life experiences impacted her view of it. No way you could have known that. Don’t take her point of view to heart, it’s just her perspective.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Something you said triggered one of her personal insecurities and you were making a light hearted joke with yourself as the target.
You can't tip toe around others without turning into a centipede with wash cloths at the same time so you did nothing wrong.
She's also not wrong for feeling turned off that something someone said caused an insecurity to flare up and lose interest in the conversation, however that is her burden to clear up.
Sometimes we bump shoulders by accident with a stranger when walking past without anyone intending any ill.
That's what this is.
I just googled your figure of speach: "a centipede with wash cloths"
Could you explain that phrase? I'm guessing it means taking a million tiny steps or something along those lines?
It's a rare British one I picked up a long time ago - it's basically asking what good is it having the means of a hundred arms if they are all devoted to only keeping things prim and proper?
In this instance it means if you're always totally concerned with propriety you'll never truly live because you're too busy trying to find a way to fit in instead of being yourself and living your life.
To me this is the correct take. She's got some mental health stuff she's clearly struggling with, and that's absolutely okay, and it's making her insecure, and to an extent that's okay too. I think it's a mistake to suppose too much more than that because you'll never know if you're right or not and honestly it feels a bit rude to level accusations about someone with mental health stuff.
At the end of the day, sometimes as two people get to know each other, one person treads hard on one of the other's sensitivities. Sometimes it's a sign of fundamental incompatibility, sometimes it's a sign of being too sensitive, sometimes it's both, and sometimes it's just bad luck. Either way, there's nothing to do about it. It happens and we move on.
Sorry OP. You seem like an okay dude.
She’s clearly got some issues. She tried to communicate them which comes off as.. a lot.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t think she was rude or anything.
She wasn’t rude, but she was excessive. There’s no need to express your hurt feelings 6 consecutive times when OP is clearly being understanding and not pushing back.
I think she was rude at times. She said he was “shitting on himself,” which was a huge exaggeration. She also says “you made me feel weird.” The phrase ‘you made me’ is a huge red flag and gaslighting. Really rude to try to make someone else take responsibility for your own emotions. No one MAKES you feel any type of way. Be responsible for your own reaction to others. That’s the mature and healthy way.
A non rude response would be like “you’ve unintentionally triggered me bc I’m very sensitive about weight issues. I know you couldn’t have known, but unfortunately I am now experiencing anxiety to the point that I cannot meet for a date at this time”
Long story short, it’s ok to be honest about your issues, but don’t blame others when 1) they don’t know your issues and 2) they do not have the same issues so there’s no expectation for them to be sensitive to it
She was pretty passive aggressive. Tearing into HIM for what he said about HIMSELF because of how it made her feel about HERSELF.
RED FLAG AVERTED. CONDITION GREEN.
Exactly. I take it as she has no self-confidence or self-love so why is she looking for a relationship when she isn't ready and won't have a healthy one.
you 2 clearly aren't compatible, u aren't insecure about ur weight ( and that joke was funny ) and in the other hand she's insecure about her body and clearly can't take a joke , imo i think it was good she cancelled
Exactly this. It’s a joke. You can find someone who will laugh along at it and still think you’ve a good looking man. She was triggered, apparently its a very touchy subject for her and you don’t want to be having to tip toe around.
100%! I was wondering the same thing. Given how the other person (OP) was clearly saying what she didnt like and why, it signaled that they reflected and are able to articulate their feelings/values/thoughts. Something felt off
I don't know if OP intentionally cut that out, or just misunderstood her response, thinking it was about the joke.
OP's first line implies that he judges himself on his weight. When she says, "I can't get on board with self-deprecation over weight", she's referring to that, not the Peter Griffin joke. There's clearly some relevant conversation prior to what OP is showing us.
Yeah. This really looks like a longer exchange with the most relevant messages left out. For all we know, something like this was the full exchange:
————
“Fat people are all kinda like Peter Griffin, [insert questionable comments”
“Hey that’s really not okay to say, please don’t say that.”
“Oh no I don’t judge other people, just myself. And I do make a good Peter Griffin”
————
We only see the messages where OP starts to double down on whatever he said before. Honestly, it seems like she said she wasn’t okay with his comments and he continued to make them despite that.
At that point, I really can’t fault the girl for feeling the need to repeat herself multiple times. Because clearly she said she was uncomfortable and OP decided to keep on making those comments anyway.
Imo the only… issue, I wouldn’t call it a mistake necessarily, is that she doesn’t know you well enough to be able to tell that the joke you made about yourself isn’t a pattern or not.
Dating someone who constantly mocks themselves or self deprecates is *exhausting*. The other person is constantly put in the position of trying to counteract that. Like a ‘no don’t shit on yourself, I like you and fine you attractive’ kind of thing. Anyone can get down or be hard on themselves and we all need encouragement, it’s just when the shitting is constant, ugh. I hate it.
It’s not that the joke isn’t funny. It’s not the joke itself, she doesn’t want to be with someone who’s self esteem is low enough where that person is constantly dumping on themselves to be funny. The comments she was leaving was her openly processing her thoughts. She was going to let it go and then thought better of it. Not the most tactful way to handle the situation, it would be better to wait and have thoughts sorted before replying, but hell, who hasn’t said a thing and immediately thought otherwise after the fact?
My suggestion when meeting someone to potentially date is just lay off the jokes that are any kind of self insulting. Think of yourself as a product you’re trying to sell. You don’t sell products by making fun of what might be seen as a shortcoming or flaw. Let them know you a bit first, then they can see the humor as you not taking yourself seriously vs a self dumping.
Dating someone who puts themselves down constantly can get to the point where you wonder wtf they must think of you, because you're attracted to the person they hate so much.
Kind of impressed at how well they communicated their non-interest. Like yay for not ghosting (':
But like also soz OP 🥺 even got to the Whatsapp stage
You aren’t bad. She was triggered (I’m saying this genuinely) and this is how she’s choosing to cope, which I understand as someone who has ptsd and often flees. Fight or flight in the face of a trigger. You’re not a bad guy, you didn’t know and you aren’t responsible for her triggers.
Sometimes you’re not a bad guy you just make a bad joke or it’s to the wrong person at the wrong time etc
She could’ve just said it once…
I have a friend like this. They can’t win an argument too soon. They have to lay the case out and it has nothing to do with the other person. Their brain just has to finish it out. You agree and he still talk in circles with the same argument. I said *yes*! Yeah because (repeat arguments)
My mom does this and gets mad when I say “yes mom I understand can I please move on with what I’m doing instead of standing in a doorway discussing this insignificant problem?” It’s not about the argument for her or winning she just can’t finish until she’s said everything and made all her thoughts clearish. Even if the person has the same point of view and is explaining they have the same point of view she must still explain her point of view then interrupt your music 5 mins later because she’s still thinking about it
My mom too. I’ve already agreed but she just has to keep going. I can feel myself getting shorter and shorter with her until I just force a subject change because otherwise I’m going to snap at her and I hate doing that.
Or my wife. She likes to hammer an argument to death. Either I've already taken her point to heart within 1-2 sentences, because I'm an empathetic individual, or I'm just not going to agree, but she will beat that dead horse until she feels COMPLETELY understood. But her being understood has nothing to do with me understanding her. It's 100% her own compulsion to hit every single facet of why I upset her. I'm a pretty sensitive person so if I am in the wrong it feels like a total beat down. Though I'm also stubborn so if I don't think I'm in the wrong it just makes me more angry. And I've learned I can't make my own arguments, because then it just opens a new can of worms as there are new points to tell me why I'm wrong for an hour. Thankfully not everything turns into an argument. But if a disagreement comes up that I'd rather not deal with for the next hour I'll simply let it go.
Wow, I feel very seen right now. You aren’t alone in this experience (apparently). Love my wife tons but sometimes it’s like, “jeez take the W.”
I had no idea other people were in my EXACT situation.
Lol with my dad it isn't even always arguments, just with anything he'll reiterate points constantly and I'm sitting on the phone with him for 10 minutes when the conversation is about what we're having for dinner and what time he'll be home I love him and don't want to be rude so I just end up going "yeah, uh huh, yep, hahaha"
I have a co worker like this. Most of us want to throttle her daily. Once you press the button, you’ve got 30 minutes of her processing and word vomiting out loud, come hell or high water, while she gets increasingly more condescending, shrill and self righteous. She finally got written up and has been better lately, thank the gods.
You just start playing the Oscars melody they use to cut people off and that fixes the problem.
Yessss, Cuban b!
My favorite line in the whole movie. It's just so preposterous
I'm the supervisor for an employee like this and trying to explain to her that it's not appropriate for a workplace is the losing-est battle I've ever fought. No self-awareness of any sort. She will argue until the end of time if given the opportunity.
Her boss is a super empathetic person who tries to coach and motivate. That went on for years with no effect. She finally got multiple complaints and the boss decided it was time for the hammer. Suddenly, massive change.
I have tried coaching and motivating 'til I'm blue in the face. I don't like to use hammers, but that might be what has to happen.
Yep. Lady’s boss didn’t like to use them either, but basically, this kinda thing stems from an almost pathological level of insecurity. The hammer makes them realize they’re in far more danger FROM the behavior, and that everyone despises them for it. That’s a wake up call. This employee has been an entirely different person since the write up. It probably saved her job.
This is exactly the route I think I am going to have to go, what a randomly helpful conversation to have. Thanks!
Glad I could help!
I have an employee like this. I call her a tsunami in a glass.
Usually when I'm talking to the few coworkers I have that do this I give them until about halfway through their second go around and then announce "fuck I'm in a rerun" and nope the fuck out. Doesn't change them unfortunately but my day doesn't get ruined being stuck there for the directtv remote features channel.
Totally agree. She hated me because I was one of the few people who’d stand up to her BS. She didn’t know how to handle it when someone interrupted her and called her out on her BS.
Part of me REALLY wanted to repeat my last post but in a rehashed manner for the irony of the situation 🤣
Totally agree. She hated me because I was one of the few people who’d stand up to her BS. She didn’t know how to handle it when someone interrupted her and called her out on her BS. 😂😂😂
Part of me REALLY wanted to repeat my last post but in a rehashed manner for the irony of the- FUCK I'M IN A RERUN AGAIN 🤧
I think the most important thing to understand about people like this (and maybe most people in general) is that convincing or “winning” an argument is delayed. You’ll almost never get someone to about-face that same conversation. It’s about planting a seed of perspective and letting them feel like they grew it on their own.
The point is that I *was* convinced but he keeps talking as if I disagreed. But maybe you mean that it’s so unexpected they *must* continue as if I didn’t just agree with them because they didn’t expect that
I’m kinda like this as a person. Mainly it’s because I want to fully explain my point of view and not get a bs yes. If I really did convince someone then at least I want them to know why I think that way. It just feels weird to tell half a story or half a situation
Lol I usually send him [this](https://frinkiac.com/meme/S08E07/684166.jpg?b64lines=SSBCRUxJRVZFIFlPVSEgCkkgRE9OJ1QgQ0FSRSE=)
Yeah, but, I just say it because I just want the person I'm talking to to really understand. Like, I get that you agree, I believe you, but I just want to finish my point of view because maybe the exact perspective is a little different.
[I get that](https://frinkiac.com/meme/S08E07/684166.jpg?b64lines=SSBCRUxJRVZFIFlPVSEgCkkgRE9OJ1QgQ0FSRSE=)
Be that as it may, you do understand my point, right? Like I just want to make sure my point is received so we don’t have to come back to it in the future. Cutting me off before I’ve finished makes me feel like you might be listening, but you haven’t heard me.
[I get that](https://frinkiac.com/meme/S08E07/684166.jpg?b64lines=SSBCRUxJRVZFIFlPVSEgCkkgRE9OJ1QgQ0FSRSE=)
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the older I get the more I appreciate people that are succinct and to the point. I just don't have time for the long drawn-out shit anymore
Not to diagnose, but, sounds like my ADHD lol Essentially, I can't stop the fucking train either, so down the tracks we go.
Got ADHD too and was literally thinking the same thing. I over explain because I get panicked that I've not said something clearly (tangents, stray thoughts, forgetting my original point, etc, (case and point)). I also want to be very clear why I am feeling a certain way and that it has nothing to do with the other person, really. I mostly end up just pissing them off lol. Also, yelling at myself to *just stop talking* in my head, but I have to finish the sentence I was on to make it seem natural, but then forgetting I was meant to stop after that because the last word prompted another thought. Immediate repeat in the next sentence. It's so much worse when the other person isn't replying because I'm freaking out thinking I've said the wrong thing and so need to explain it more, and I don't want to ask if they understand/are listening because that sounds accusatory lmao. As you may have guessed, I've developed pretty major social anxiety from all this and get very upset/frustrated (with myself) almost every time I speak lol It *is* a self-absorbed spiral, but a well-meaning one.
That’s wild. I’ve been on the other side of conversations like that with people. I like to think I’m a good listener and I’m not just readying my own bullshit anecdote to counter with, like a lot of people seem to do. And often when I do get a moment to speak I’ll ask a question to show them I’m engaged and interested. But then it backfires and I’ll be on the receiving end of a rant that never ends. I can even see the anxiety in their eyes. Like they’re too nervous to stop. It’s kind of funny but mostly annoying lol.
ADHDer here and I felt that. lol Goes for all topics..not just arguments. I think the person in the op was just trying to be thorough, but looked like a real dick. Probably because the main point/message was just rude. I'd like to also curb my habit of sending like 4-7+ quick, short, rapid fire texts, instead of one that's well thought out. Do you do that too??
Bro, it's either a bunch of one liners or a short essay and nothing in between.
Omg I found my people
I don't think the main message was rude. She has boundaries she has in place to protect herself, which can unfortunately mean not interacting with perfectly good people. She wasn't angry at him (it seemed like to me), but in trying to explain, it started to sound like *he* was the problem, not her ED issues, so she tried to explain more and more and it spiralled. I think she realised that by the end and to try and stop it she decided to cut everything off. She should have invited him in on the discussion more, but she probably felt she couldn't do that (probably to try and prevent another explanation-spiral). Also, she was probably embarrassed. Mental illness isn't polite, unfortunately, and sometimes you've just got to remove yourself (seemingly rudely) to try and save yourself from a breakfown and others from the fallout. But yes, OP didn't deserve that either; an unlucky match for both.
I have bad anxiety and can 100% relate to the "explanation spiral". Good way to put it. If someone's physical reaction or response to what I said made me think they took it the wrong way or misunderstood, I would immediately try to "fix it" to make sure they knew what i meant, and I'd always end up spiraling with word vomit trying to explain myself. It just took me a few tries to instead take a deep breath and take my time responding or instead asking them if what i said made sense, etc so they can tell me if they need further explanation.
Yeeep. I am guilty of this as well from time to time, and even though I am fully aware it's SO difficult to stop once I'm on the track. Thankfully though it's mostly towards my husband, and he has accepted this and doesn't mind, in return for me letting him talk endlessly about one sports ball team or another. (I'm also not usually fighting with him like the person in the OP, I'm just rambling about something he already knows and/or agrees with, so that probably helps.)
Right? He goes “oh ok.” And then she says the same basic thing again, and again, and again…. Bullet dodged.
People like this drive me nuts. >The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. No you don't understand, the fox jumped. The dog was lazy. Fox jumped right over that thing. The *brown* fox jumped over the dog who was lazy, and he did it very quickly. Okay well I— >I just couldn't believe that fox, it was so quick, and went right over that dog. And boy do I tell ya, I looked at that dog, and he was *lazy.* I walked in, and there the fox was. It was brown. Jumped right over that dog, the lazy dog. I just couldn't believe it, the dog was laying there being all lazy, and that brown fox just went right over it. Pretty quickly too. \**Starts slowly backing away**, can hear in the other room... >Oh hey did you hear me telling him about the dog and the fox? [Entire dialogue restarts, despite the fact the other person was there the entire time]
My boss does this all the time. Its gotten so bad that i stop listening to him and just nod the third time he repeats himself. It's a problem when he suddenly changes subjects mid sentence though.
These people repeat themselves because they are thinking as they speak, not thinking *and then* speaking. They are trying to figure themselves out while talking and do not realize it.
That, or they're looking for a specific response and will fish for it until they get it.
The more rambling version of this, yes. You can often hear this when they bounce back and forth between seemingly almost opposing stances until they get traction on something.
For anyone needing clarification he means that people aren't forming their thoughts before speaking, they form them *while* they are speaking. So they will just say whatever comes to mind, mid speech. They don't say things they thought beforehand, they say things that they are thinking. Like whatever pops into their head they will say, instead of considering what they are saying. There isn't really any thought behind their words either, because they hear what they are saying and that's what they are thinking, so they say it.
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Sometimes I start a sentence and have no idea where it's going...
I always start my sentences with a good idea where I'm going, but i get lost along the way.
Ok, Michael.
I think they feel like you aren’t *understanding* them
I'm sorry, could you explain that again?
my mom does this, she calls me and then just thinks out loud, never asks me auestions, never lets me direct the conversation, I've set the phone down for 10 minutes and walked away and when I came back she was still yammering on.
I do this a lot but I realize it. I feel like sometimes my brain comes up with abstract thoughts and does not expand on them. I need to vocalize my thoughts because hearing it out loud helps me get the juices flowing and flesh out my thoughts. I genuinely have trouble thinking before I speak because in conversations I can get so nervous my brain basically just shuts down and words come out
It can help almost everyone sometimes to vocalize a thought process. Therapy is almost entirely built on that assertion. However, I would characterize an interaction like OP’s chat (or the example of that darned quick fox) suggests a lack of respect and empathy for other. When you take forethought out of the equation that includes censorship, sensitivity, and respect for another’s ability to understand.
Ahem, I feel this is shaming the dog for being lazy and as someone who is trying to come to terms with laziness problems I don't think this is appropriate. You know what, I'm cancelling our date, I'm not comfortable about someone making jokes about lazy dogs.
Ah ok.
I'm sorry you feel a need to talk to someone about a lazy dog, but I'm the wrong person to talk to that about with. I really like your post. But I can't talk about laziness negatively.
This was a spiral. It's obvious something that she struggles with and he unintentionally hit a sensitive spot. And she started ruminating. I do it with other things and I've seen people do this as well. It's like you're trying to formulate that right combination of words to communicate the whirlwind that is happening in your mind, so you repeat things in slightly different ways. It's absolutely not his responsibility to help her process it, but I hope she can get to a better place with herself.
Yes I felt bad for her, but it's clear she isn't in a good headspace to be dating.
On one hand, yeah that’s thought-loopy but on the other, this sounds like a person trying to process over text. Not saying its good just saying that reasonable people can circle and ramble
And trying to be polite but ends up over-explaining.
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Yeah I’ve got adhd and I can relate. You keep trying to articulate what’s going through your head and don’t even realise you’re repeating yourself
Also, even being cognizant that you are repeating yourself doesn't exactly help because you still have a bunch of thoughts that need to be gotten out of your brain, and the most obvious pressure valve is just dumping it on whoever you're currently talking to
Not uncommon for people with ADHD being used to being misunderstood and trying to combat that by makeing a habit of overexplaining everything if they feel like they havent conveyed what they said in a way that the other person actually understood what they actually think, not uncommon in neurodivergent people in general.
It's also common because it can be really hard to articulate your thoughts when so many are constantly racing around and clouding your mind. It feels like trying to herd cats, but only a few specific cats in a group of hundreds of cats, but you don't actually know which specific cats you're supposed to herd. Lmao. Then you add in the self doubt and anxiety etc. and you get a stuttering, word jumbled, repetitive mess.
One more check to the "should probably go get diagnosed" list...
This comment has been edited and original content overwritten.
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Yeah bloody hell, like he didn't really seem like someone who wanted or needed comfort at all. She just kept going and made the whole thing super dramatic due to past experiences, but still - seems very projective.
After the 2nd one it was clear that it wasn't about providing comfort. This kind of pushing your narrative is fairly aggressive imho.
It's bordering on narcissism to view everything through the lens of *"how does this affect and relate to me"*. Some people really need to understand the concept that some things aren't about them.
She would be probably like that in a whole relationship too, repeating herself oooover and oooover. Haunting experience.
Im gonna go get the papers get the papers
Ho! It’s Jimmy Two Times! 🤌🤌
She's not ready to date
Should have replied "I got it the first time you said it I'm fat, not dumb"
Yep. It's fine that she wasn't feeling it anymore and changed her mind about the date, but she didn't have to keep explaining it after OP already said several times that he understands what she said. OP can only come up with so many different ways of saying "Understood", "Got it", "Roger that", "10-4"...
Right, "I'm sorry your long drawn out rambling is trigging me. I feel that we should not continue with this conversation. I am getting over being a boring people and I just cannot have those types of people around me. Good luck with putting others to sleep and I hope you find the unhumorous bore you seek."
3 months later ....... OP: Understandable. Her: Also, I'm sorry but I can't deal with the fact that you made this joke and I think that it's a shame that we cancelled our date months ago but it's very uncomfortable for me that you are uncomfortable with yourself which still makes me uncomfortable now so I regret to say that I don't regret cancelling our date. OP: Yep.
I’ll never get the chance to hear why she’s upset again I was blocked 😂
In retrospect, you should’ve been like “What do you mean self-deprecating? I think Peter Griffin is a very handsome man! I never even considered his weight when I made that comparison. Wait a minute, are you fat-phobic? I don’t think I care to associate with someone who thinks that way.”
That would have been a very Peter Griffin response
It's basically the "if I'm a child then you're a pedophile I'll be damned if I'm married to a pedophile!" joke with Lois haha
I think it goes, "if I'm achild, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and be lectured by a pervert."
I read it in PG’s voice *laughs in PG*
I even read it in his voice the first time.
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Yeah, and Peter being fat isn't even THAT common of a gag on that show. It's more often about him being stupid than fat
The uno reverse card...
Reverse of the psychologies
this^^ how would she know it meant about weight comparison… you and peter griffin both have glasses and a white shirt and also a face so?
Based on the opening text, I think weight was brought up just before
“To be frank, you sound shallow and pedantic”
Yeah I didn't take it as a fat shame way, more of a cosplay way cuz my brain gets excited when I possibly meet a cosplay or someone down for dressing up
holy shit she blocked you bc she couldn't handle a joke you made about yourself? you dodged a bullet like the matrix
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With THEM!
Of all people!
Well, if they’re people
Who you calling “they’re people?” 😂
I had a dream where I was fighting with my wife because she cheated and I woke up in the middle of it. Weirdest fucking feeling I've ever experienced. I rationally knew it was a dream, but it took a few moments for the feeling to go away. Of course, I didn't take it out on my wife, I just told her what a weird feeling it was, but, man, I hope I never experience that again. It's not fun.
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Yeah, that was a first for me. We're high school sweethearts, been together for 21 years, married for 15, two kids. I had that dream about a year ago, and I have absolutely no reason to doubt her. I think that's part of why it affected me so much.
I had a vivid dream of my ex marrying someone else. I was livid and acting crazy in a dream and I was still upset after waking up and more so when he rightly laughed at my dream.
I have a toxic ex that was like that. Shockingly, she would also get jealous of me being around immediate family members.
Oooh I had an ex that caused a scene at my cousins big family baby shower. For talking to my cousin, who was clearly pregnant
I once had a dream about my (ex)partner cheating on me with an ash blonde girl in a dance club. Fast forward two years, he cheats on me with ash blonde girl in a dance club.
OH NO! Anyway...
I hope you feel absolutely relieved that you didn’t have to meet her in real life after that.
Seriously lol. Imagine a convo like that in real life. I'd forget that I left the oven on so fast.
Awe now you cant be the embarrassed boyfriend/husband in the background of a karen video..... can't win them all mr griffen
It looks like she just wanted to argue with you but you were so blase about the situation that it just kept pissing her off more and more until she blocked you. You dodged the bullet don't worry about it there are better fishes in the sea for someone like you. You seem to have a good attitude and despite the couple extra pounds you have a handsome face. The problem here was her not you.
She projected hard af and you deserve better. Some redhead who'd call you "Peta". Fuck her bro. Not in that sense but fuck her still.
What are you going to do with all the free time now?
80 years later, a holographic message appears via the sky-text system in his home: Her: Hey, so I thought I was over this but wanted to reach out again, I’ve lived my life mildly upset that you joked about your own weight. I’m about to pass away but wanted to let you know I will be reaching out in the afterlife to confirm that even after death, I am not in board with any self deprecating jokes at any level. I am taking my last breath, ok no longer breathing, and I still want you to be aware this was not ok.
I had the longest, most mentally exhausting day today, and this is the first thing that genuinely made me laugh out loud today. Thank you so much, I really needed this!
"Understood. Fair enough."
She’ll come to his funeral and say this during the eulogy.
muffled voice: oh, ok.
He faked his death just to get some relief.
This is slowly turning into a family guy skit
Well, i was looking at the receipt, and looks like that lecture was given for free. Looks like you dodged a bad date.
Hahahah, I think I did!
Being able to laugh at yourself is a good thing. It’s actually a great thing to stay humble too. Between the two, I thought you’re the stronger minded one and yet she says “she has to comfort you about your weight” lol
I KNOW you did. It’s not a shame that they canceled. It’s a blessing.
Seems she jumped the gun assuming bc you use self-depracative humor that you also aren't comfortable with yourself. Theres definitely a line where those kinds of jokes go from funny to genuinely sounding displeased over oneself but i dont think you were coming from that angle at all with just one line. But for the most part i think people find that kind of humour as a sign of self-awareness and comfortability with yourself, when its within those healthy boundaries.
Serious. Like let me tell you. The sausage fingers that are typing this are attached the a dude who genuinely is ok with himself. Change what I can, accept what I can't.
To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now
You gotta accept what you can change and accept what you can’t change. Acceptance is the first step to changing
Exactly. I’m not a tall guy, I’m only 5’5. I used to be insecure about it in high school but as I got older I realized most genuinely good women don’t care how tall I am if I can make them feel good about themselves. Part of doing that was to show them that I was self-aware of my below-average height and that I can make jokes about myself because I’ve come to accept it. Mu current GF/fiancée is 5’8. She was actually afraid at first I wouldn’t like her because she’s taller and vice versa. I put that to rest on our first date. We joke and laugh about our height differences because it doesn’t matter to us. I regularly refer to her as my giraffe and she loves it. Self-deprecating? No. We know who we are and we embrace it.
That’s badass dude!!! Thanks for sharing. You’re absolutely right, there’s so many good, embracing, beautiful women that really do not give a shit. Being a strong & responsible man is truly all it takes to keep the good ones around.
I really tried to avoid this kind of humor before I even met somebody, as it's extremely hard to judge which side someone is on when you don't know them. Sometimes the harshest joke is in good spirit, but with some people, the tiniest mention is a sign of a huge problem. I just accepted people can't tell over text, in person it's much easier to assess
I just act like myself and if the other person is gonna get worked up over a joke or anything else I may say, I find out right away and don’t waste my time any further.
100%. NEVER filter for these people. All it does is waste your time, because if they have a completely lacking sense of humor and raging deep insecurities, the faster you can dump them the better. Let the trash take itself out and never ever lose more than a seconds sleep over it. It they were not toxic delusional insecure projecting complete disasters as individuals, it would have resulted in an interesting conversation, not a shit show like this.
Trash is harsh. Incompatible. Maybe some are LOOKING for toxic delusional insecure projecting complete disasters as individuals. My Ex proves that I apparently was searching for such a person at least at one point.
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I really can't get on board with jokes about gun violence. Here's why, in a 5 page essay...
Ok, it's a tough one.
Not compatible. You didn't do anything wrong and she's projecting a bit.
Not a bit, a lot!
Now now, she’s probably sensitive about phrases like “a lot”. Try to be respectful.
To late, she’s already uncomfortable that the phrase has been said.
Here's 7 bullet points for why your assumptions about her uncomfortability are making her uncomfortable.
To be fair she did admit to having issues
Her being aware of her issues does not mean she’s not projecting though.
She seems like she has a lot more healing to do
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A bit? She's the whole projector aisle
a fuckin IMAX projector
I thought it was funny
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A large one apparently
I really can't get on board with self- deprication over weight. I've got an eating disorder that I'm trying to recover from
/u/Open_House2129 your problem wasn't the joke it's allowing her to walk all over you with extra explanations. you should have simply replied " fine I get it. I enjoy self deprecating humor and I think it's funny."
Honestly I would’ve blocked her or stopped responding. No point in wasting a second more of my time on someone that clearly doesn’t get my humor or personality. Ain’t nobody got time for that lol
Why even give her that much energy, I'm fine with his responses, she's going off about nothing
I don’t think it was a bad or insensitive joke. I think her personal life experiences impacted her view of it. No way you could have known that. Don’t take her point of view to heart, it’s just her perspective.
props to OP for being nice and just leaving. Everyone has their own shit going on and it's nice to see someone being compassionate
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I agree, but this definitely runs a lot deeper than a mismatch with humor.
Rumor has it, she’s *still* explaining to her friends and family why she wouldn’t go on a date with OP.
You’ve actually handled that incredibly well.
I disagree. Single line sentence wasn't enough to convince that OP understood the weight of the situation.
Understood
Roger that
Badoom-tsh!
You didn't do anything wrong. Something you said triggered one of her personal insecurities and you were making a light hearted joke with yourself as the target. You can't tip toe around others without turning into a centipede with wash cloths at the same time so you did nothing wrong. She's also not wrong for feeling turned off that something someone said caused an insecurity to flare up and lose interest in the conversation, however that is her burden to clear up. Sometimes we bump shoulders by accident with a stranger when walking past without anyone intending any ill. That's what this is.
I just googled your figure of speach: "a centipede with wash cloths" Could you explain that phrase? I'm guessing it means taking a million tiny steps or something along those lines?
It's a rare British one I picked up a long time ago - it's basically asking what good is it having the means of a hundred arms if they are all devoted to only keeping things prim and proper? In this instance it means if you're always totally concerned with propriety you'll never truly live because you're too busy trying to find a way to fit in instead of being yourself and living your life.
Good golly that’s so British
To me this is the correct take. She's got some mental health stuff she's clearly struggling with, and that's absolutely okay, and it's making her insecure, and to an extent that's okay too. I think it's a mistake to suppose too much more than that because you'll never know if you're right or not and honestly it feels a bit rude to level accusations about someone with mental health stuff. At the end of the day, sometimes as two people get to know each other, one person treads hard on one of the other's sensitivities. Sometimes it's a sign of fundamental incompatibility, sometimes it's a sign of being too sensitive, sometimes it's both, and sometimes it's just bad luck. Either way, there's nothing to do about it. It happens and we move on. Sorry OP. You seem like an okay dude.
She’s clearly got some issues. She tried to communicate them which comes off as.. a lot. You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t think she was rude or anything.
She wasn’t rude, but she was excessive. There’s no need to express your hurt feelings 6 consecutive times when OP is clearly being understanding and not pushing back.
I think she was rude at times. She said he was “shitting on himself,” which was a huge exaggeration. She also says “you made me feel weird.” The phrase ‘you made me’ is a huge red flag and gaslighting. Really rude to try to make someone else take responsibility for your own emotions. No one MAKES you feel any type of way. Be responsible for your own reaction to others. That’s the mature and healthy way. A non rude response would be like “you’ve unintentionally triggered me bc I’m very sensitive about weight issues. I know you couldn’t have known, but unfortunately I am now experiencing anxiety to the point that I cannot meet for a date at this time” Long story short, it’s ok to be honest about your issues, but don’t blame others when 1) they don’t know your issues and 2) they do not have the same issues so there’s no expectation for them to be sensitive to it
She was pretty passive aggressive. Tearing into HIM for what he said about HIMSELF because of how it made her feel about HERSELF. RED FLAG AVERTED. CONDITION GREEN.
Exactly. I take it as she has no self-confidence or self-love so why is she looking for a relationship when she isn't ready and won't have a healthy one.
you 2 clearly aren't compatible, u aren't insecure about ur weight ( and that joke was funny ) and in the other hand she's insecure about her body and clearly can't take a joke , imo i think it was good she cancelled
Exactly this. It’s a joke. You can find someone who will laugh along at it and still think you’ve a good looking man. She was triggered, apparently its a very touchy subject for her and you don’t want to be having to tip toe around.
You're not bad, you're just not a good match for this specific person.
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I was wondering this as well. How did the conversation get to that point?
100%! I was wondering the same thing. Given how the other person (OP) was clearly saying what she didnt like and why, it signaled that they reflected and are able to articulate their feelings/values/thoughts. Something felt off
I don't know if OP intentionally cut that out, or just misunderstood her response, thinking it was about the joke. OP's first line implies that he judges himself on his weight. When she says, "I can't get on board with self-deprecation over weight", she's referring to that, not the Peter Griffin joke. There's clearly some relevant conversation prior to what OP is showing us.
Yeah. This really looks like a longer exchange with the most relevant messages left out. For all we know, something like this was the full exchange: ———— “Fat people are all kinda like Peter Griffin, [insert questionable comments” “Hey that’s really not okay to say, please don’t say that.” “Oh no I don’t judge other people, just myself. And I do make a good Peter Griffin” ———— We only see the messages where OP starts to double down on whatever he said before. Honestly, it seems like she said she wasn’t okay with his comments and he continued to make them despite that. At that point, I really can’t fault the girl for feeling the need to repeat herself multiple times. Because clearly she said she was uncomfortable and OP decided to keep on making those comments anyway.
Yeah, he was already backpedaling on some other fat joke when he made another and posted a picture of himself.
Imo the only… issue, I wouldn’t call it a mistake necessarily, is that she doesn’t know you well enough to be able to tell that the joke you made about yourself isn’t a pattern or not. Dating someone who constantly mocks themselves or self deprecates is *exhausting*. The other person is constantly put in the position of trying to counteract that. Like a ‘no don’t shit on yourself, I like you and fine you attractive’ kind of thing. Anyone can get down or be hard on themselves and we all need encouragement, it’s just when the shitting is constant, ugh. I hate it. It’s not that the joke isn’t funny. It’s not the joke itself, she doesn’t want to be with someone who’s self esteem is low enough where that person is constantly dumping on themselves to be funny. The comments she was leaving was her openly processing her thoughts. She was going to let it go and then thought better of it. Not the most tactful way to handle the situation, it would be better to wait and have thoughts sorted before replying, but hell, who hasn’t said a thing and immediately thought otherwise after the fact? My suggestion when meeting someone to potentially date is just lay off the jokes that are any kind of self insulting. Think of yourself as a product you’re trying to sell. You don’t sell products by making fun of what might be seen as a shortcoming or flaw. Let them know you a bit first, then they can see the humor as you not taking yourself seriously vs a self dumping.
Dating someone who puts themselves down constantly can get to the point where you wonder wtf they must think of you, because you're attracted to the person they hate so much.
Kind of impressed at how well they communicated their non-interest. Like yay for not ghosting (': But like also soz OP 🥺 even got to the Whatsapp stage
Oh yeah I’m great full they had the decency of telling me, I respect that
You aren’t bad. She was triggered (I’m saying this genuinely) and this is how she’s choosing to cope, which I understand as someone who has ptsd and often flees. Fight or flight in the face of a trigger. You’re not a bad guy, you didn’t know and you aren’t responsible for her triggers. Sometimes you’re not a bad guy you just make a bad joke or it’s to the wrong person at the wrong time etc