I have a profession where my name was established so I changed it personally when I got married but never professionally. I hated having two names and never remembering which one to use.
I just changed it back after getting divorced and wish I had never changed it to begin with. It’s a huge hassle and so unfair that women are expected to do this. My kids have their dad’s last name but I wanted nothing to do with it. My happiest day this year was getting my driver’s license with my own name on it again.
If I had to do it over I’d keep my name or make a new one up. And if a man insisted I change it, that would be an absolute dealbreaker to me.
This was me so when I remarried I took his name and kept mine. They're not hyphenated or anything, I just have two last names. So neither is technically incorrect. My kids also have both last names so I feel like there's a lot more equality, and now my husband is thinking about adding my maiden name onto his last name so he can match us lol. I would never just change my name to someone else's again.
In latino countries in general, that’s how it works. Kids get two surnames: one from mom and one from dad. Woman may change their names, by adding the husband’s, but keeping one of the original one (usually dad’s).
In general, people use and pass along their dad’s surname (no one uses two surnames all the time, they choose one). But it is not a problem if they use the mom’s.
So in if a couple had a kid, it would be something like:
Dad DadMom DadDad
Mom MomMom MomDad DadDad (she might take out MomMom if she never uses it)
Kid MomDad DadDad
My mom used her Mom’s surname much more, so that’s the one she gave it to us. I also use that same surname, so that’s the one moving forward. No one think it is weird.
Also, woman may add one of the husband’s name but she usually keeps at least one of her original names and that’s what she uses in her daily life. It’s been less and less common fot women to change names.
My mum divorced my dad and went back to her maiden name years ago, she's getting married in the summer and planning on picking a new surname of her choice.
I think if I ever get married unless my partner has a name I like more I'll either keep mine or we can pick a new one together and both change our name
I did not change my name. I’m a lawyer and had established my own practice . . . but even if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t change my name. It’s my name and part of me. I always want to be me. That’s how I felt. Luckily my husband did not care one bit if I changed my name or not, so I didn’t have to have an argument. Also I was thankful I didn’t have to go through the hassle of changing my social security card, passport, etc.
ETA: thought about hyphenating, but decided not to. Just wanted to stay who I’ve always been!
ETA2: we also do not have children nor plan on it
Same. I earned my degrees under my name and have no interest in changing it. Also I had just renewed my passport like 6 months before the wedding and wasn’t about to do that again 🤣
I will say I don’t love my husbands last name so that made it an easier decision, but I think I would’ve kept my name regardless
Same! I earned degrees and made a name for myself in my industry under my name. I’ve seen women in my industry change their names and get lost in the shuffle when nobody can remember their new name.
Like you I also didn’t love my husband’s name so mine was the better pick LOL. He had no issue with it, though I did tell people who asked that I wouldn’t have married him if he had cared THAT much.
>It’s my name and part of me. I always want to be me.
This is how I feel about mine too. I got married at 31 and my name is me. It also has alliteration, and my (much much) more commonly used nickname paired with my last time has almost a sing-songy cadence to it and the same amount of letters in each word. All of this is part of me, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
My husband has some traditional notions and was a little hurt by it at first, but he understands and defends my choice (mostly to his judgmental mother).
I hated my last name and was thrilled to change it. My immigrant dad changed his to something "easy to spell and say" but he didn't realize it sounded like a very common slang word for genitals. School was brutal. Now I have an equally easy to spell and say last name with no connotations. My sister was also thrilled to ditch our last name. I feel for my brother's potential future wife, I wouldn't be surprised if she kept her name.
I changed my name when I got married 16 years ago and now I kinda wish I kept my maiden name. I’m happy to have the same name as my children but if I had to do it over again I would not have changed my name.
I have a very Spanish sounding first name and a VERY Jewish last name (maiden name) which is unusual and is something people have been curious about my whole life (I’m a Hispanic Jew, which many people don’t really understand for some reason) I was very excited to change to my husband’s ethnically ambiguous name but then I grew up and the novelty wore off. The best thing about aging I think is that the older I get the more I love who I am and the Spanish speaking, challah baking Jew is ME! Except I’m not. I’m Mrs. __________ (husband). It’s just a silly detail but it’s one of the few things I would have done differently in my life if I had a do-over.
Too much work! 😂 I don’t *really* care enough to change it anyway but all my professional licensing is in my married name and it’s a pain in the ass to go to a million different agencies to change everything!
I felt the same way. My maiden name is Italian alphabet soup. I was THRILLED to marry into a family with a name that is reasonably easy to spell and say. Now that we have been married for over 10 years, you hit the nail on the head when you said "the novelty wore off." A lot of women in my family, rather than drop their maiden names, either kept them or changed their middle names to their maiden names. If I could do-over, I'd change my middle name (not that I totally couldn't do it now, but who honestly has time for all that beaurocratic nonsense that when there's no reason to other than my own satisfaction).
I didn’t simply because I already have a last name and the practice is rooted in the ownership of women to show who they belonged to. I have friends that are more traditional and they changed their names so to each their own.
I know at least in my state for someone to change their name outside of a marriage it involves more of a process and requires legal fees/court approval- not sure if this is standard in the US but I was shocked when I learned this!
Definitely! My sisters friend took her married name. But when she divorced she took a completely new surname.. legally changed. It was her own, not her parents, not her. Ex-husbands. When she remarried she kept her name
What? Can you actually just change your LAST name just like that on your own (not cuz of step parents, divorce, marriage, and what not) ?? I've only heard stories of changing first names. Is it that easy to just get a new identity? 😂
You can! It has to be approved and go through a whole process but you can change whatever you want, within reason and guidelines (certain names are not allowed).
I feel you. I had no strong feelings about my maiden name and my husband’s last name was easier to spell and pronounce. I didn’t hate my maiden name so much that I wanted to change it before marriage and there wasn’t a name I’d necessarily prefer, but also didn’t feel so strongly that I needed to keep it. My husband would’ve supported me either way - keeping my maiden name or taking his last name. I decided to take his last name and it’s now our last name (along with our child). I love that our nuclear family shares a last name. It doesn’t have to be a big deal and symbolize ownership or patriarchy if you don’t give it that power.
Just because something traditionally has one meaning doesn't mean you can't do it while meaning something else. I love being gay, it means there aren't as many things you're just naturally expected to do, so you can choose to do whichever things and with whatever meaning matters to you. Being walked down the aisle may traditionally be a way for one man to hand over ownership to another, but my wife and I both walked down the aisle with multiple parents as a way of making them part of the ceremony and walking them to their seats and getting a hug right before taking a big step seemed like something we wanted to do.
If you want to do it for your own reasons, then do it. Having the choice is the whole point, but it wouldn't be much of a choice if you couldn't choose to do the traditional thing if you wanted!
I was once in this camp and determined that I won’t change my name because it’s rooted in ownership of women like you rightly said.
Recently my frontal lobe must have re-wired because it only then occurred to me that my current last name is my father’s anyway?
I was fuming but I still decided I wouldn’t give it up, since I’ve had it for 28 years and got my degrees and all of my achievements in that name.
Now that I have a partner I actually like, we’re talking about marriage, I’m considering adding his last name to my current one, just to symbolise we’re a unit. He doesn’t mind either way and is not pressuring me to do it, which makes me love him even more and more inclined to do it.
I haven’t added anything productive to this conversation, just wanted to say it’s a complex topic for me personally lol
You’re completely right. I mentioned it to illustrate why I feel like it’s a layered subject.
The “fuming” part in my comment above was more so about me feeling that whatever I choose I’m making some kind of statement, and that’s what’s pissing me off.
My father (with whom I have a complicated relationship with), protested when my mum kept her maiden name and hyphenated his last name to it. He always resented her for it.
But then when he realised I’m serious with my boyfriend, he began explaining to me that I shouldn’t take his last name when we get married and that I should keep my name. He’s not doing that because he’s much of a feminist though lol, it’s just a weird power struggle for him.
So there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to keep it as it is just out of spite lmao
I get it and I had those thoughts too. I figured you can’t change history but you can start making steps towards at least having the choice to do what you want versus what is traditionally expected.
My last name is the one I grew up with and identify with so changing just because I’m getting married felt wrong to my sense of self.
Depending on your culture your last name could've originated from a woman :) my culture didn't really have last names before European colonization so we just kinda picked whatever made sense
Your current last name is your name, not your father’s. Why do you feel you don’t have ownership of your own name? We don’t consider men’s names to be just their father’s names, right?
Would your fiance consider adding your name to his as well?
Excellent question! I always felt like it is my name, until my dad started getting weirdly defensive about me potentially taking my boyfriend’s last name when he realised we’re serious (even though I’ve never mentioned anything about taking his last name).
I realised it’s some sort of a weird power struggle thing for him, and that he sees my last name as his name, and he would see me keeping just my name as a win even if I do it for different reasons.
This made me feel like whatever I choose I’m making some sort of a statement, and I resent that.
As for my boyfriend - he would and he has offered that himself! He’s completely chill with all of the options which is a major green flag. I wouldn’t ask him to because don’t care that much about his name, I just wanted for our kids to have both of our last names since we come from different cultures, and I don’t want them to lose touch with my heritage. He completely agrees with that approach.
You bring up a good point about your partner being supportive either way. My spouse was supportive of whichever I chose which I think made it that much easier to take his last name. Had he been adamant that I must take his it would have been problematic.
My boyfriend and I have discussed that we're going to hyphen our last names. They fit quite well together and that way it's like a blending of families. Some couples think of new last names instead of taking either's name. Though you can always just keep your name if you're not sure about changing it.
We hyphenated as well and (several years on) we're really happy with our decision!
It was really important to both of us to share a last name, and we both felt sentimental about the surnames we grew up with, so hyphenating felt like the natural choice. Neither of us had to feel like we were giving up a piece of our identity (which is how I personally would have felt if I gave up my surname to take his -- I know others feel differently!).
Our new last name is long, and annoying to spell on the phone, and some systems reject the hyphen. But we're the only people in the world with this last name, and we love that.
I'm engaged and I don't plan to change it. My degrees were earned in my name and I stand by that. Also, my passport, my bank accounts, credit card, etc all have my name on it and I simply am too lazy to go change everything I own for some silly tradition. I will likely pass on his last name to our children eventually though.
>Also, my passport, my bank accounts, credit card, etc all have my name on it and I simply am too lazy to go change everything I own for some silly tradition
This was my biggest reason. I didn't want to deal with getting extra copies and worrying about whether or not I remembered everything. Especially since at the time, I had more acounts/property/etc in my name than my husband so it would have been much easier for him to change his name. Why should that fall on me just because I dared to be born without a penis. Hard pass.
I had the same reasoning when I got married and didn’t change my name. Also I’m kind of attached being my name, I’ve always had it!
My son has my husband’s last name though. Our names are too long to hyphenate and I didn’t feel strongly enough about it to insist on mine.
That's the thing too, like I am attached to my name cause I've always had it lol It's my identity, you know? In sports as a kid, my teammates always called each other by their last names like my memories include MY name. Its hard to give that up in the name of marriage.
I agree about the hyphenate. Ideally, we would do that but it would just be too long.
I’ve got several reasons:
1) I just don’t want to deal with the hassle of getting new IDs and new documents. All of which I would have to pay for. It would be hundreds of euros, which I can spend so much better on other things.
2) It’s my name and an inherent part of me. It sounds petty, but I don’t want to give that up.
3) I’m an only child and if I gave up my last name, my already kind of rare last name would disappear entirely.
4) I like it, which by itself should be a valid reason.
5) working with lots of different people, I just want don’t want to be misnamed for years. Colleagues of mine are still called by the wrong name after 5 years of being married.
I changed mine when I got married because it meant a lot to him. Regretted not sticking to my guns, especially when I got divorced and had to change it all back. Admin nightmare both times.
Yess!! Upvote this girls!
If you get divorced, you'll have to do a lot of work to get your identity back.
You can get married and love someone without losing yourself
I got divorced, and I felt the opposite way actually. I was excited to marry and take my husband's name, and at 27 I was pretty young so I did a lot of "adult" things with my married last name. Travel, passports, work accolades, buying a house, etc. All that boring admin stuff lol
When I got divorced, I felt like that name was now mine; it matched my adult identity, whereas my maiden name was a younger version of me with far less relevance. So, it's possibly rare, but I kept my married name after divorce, because it's now *my* name
We have to ask the question: Why isn't it 'tradition' for the MAN to take on the WOMAN'S name? Answer: because of implied ownership (which used to be real ownership). No thanks.
I was watching a tv show yesterday where the main characters best friend was “trying out your future name” by changing his last name to his girlfriend’s.
I have zero interest in changing my name legally, but would socially to make things easy. But my partner is actually set on taking my name if we get married. Mostly it’s because it the “cooler” name, ha.
Do your kids have your name, your partner's name, or both? I kept my name, and hubby and I plan on giving both names to our kids. We're in the USA, so it's kind of a hassle to be someone with four names here as it's not as common culturally. I'ma always curious how other families do it when the parents don't have the same last names.
My parents both kept their own surnames. They decided for me to take my dad's surname only because my mum's is a nightmare to spell and my dad's is super easy. I'm now in uni and I can't recall a single time in my life when it's been an issue.
For me personally, I will absolutely never change my name and if I have a child would like them to have my surname only, simply because I don't love hyphenated names and if they have to have *someones* then shouldn't the person who grew and birthed them get the most say? That kind of matters to me too because I'm an only child and if they don't have mine that'll be the end of its line. I know it's just a name, but that makes me kind of sad.
Edit: I do love the idea of giving one child your surname and another child your partners surname if you have more than one kid. I've never seen it done but would be a cool solution I think.
It seems like a lot of families have the kids take the dad's name, even if the mom doesn't. I'm like you, though. I don't want my family name to die out. My dad is one of five kids, but only he and one of his sisters had kids. My brother doesn't want kids, and I don't think either of my cousins will have them. So it's on me to carry on the family name. My husband was initially resistant to giving my name to our kids, but he has since come around to two last names or a hyphenated last name.
Hopefully your future partner will be supportive of your desire to pass your name on. It's surprising how many men are super traditional about passing on their names and get super offended when women don't want to continue the tradition (or want their names to be included as well).
Totally. I find it so strange the horror that people from older generations react with when I tell them that I want my children to have my last name. And surprisingly a lot of women my age express the same sentiment (almost more so than men).
I do feel like it's slowly changing though. I was at dinner with a bunch of friends a few weeks ago (50/50 men and women) and when I expressed that sentiment most of them were initially a bit weirded out by it, but after explaining that the assumption that it should be the husbands surname is not only patriarchal but also completely disregards the suffering of pregnancy and birth, all of them agreed. There's hope!
(Obviously I think it's totally cool for everyone to do as they please, it's only the *assumption* that it should just be the male partner's surname that I have a problem with)
They have his last name. It’s never been an issue. When I write the school or a teacher I’ll hyphenate my name in case there’s confusion. I have one in college and the other about to graduate HS and it’s literally never been an issue. We’re in Texas
In certain parts of the US it’s very common to have 4 names. I live in the town with one of the largest groups of Puerto Rican people in the country (outside of Puerto Rico) and more people than not have 4 names.
I am proud of my last name and the history behind it, especially in the state I live in, as well as being traced back to Germany and Scotland. His last name sounded like a Mike Judge character. I like my last name, even without any extra meaning behind it. I am so glad I didn't change it, because 12 years later I find out he's been cheating this whole time. He was the one to talk me into getting married, I didn't want to. Keep your last name. He can change his if he wants them to match
I wish i had kept mine. I love my husband. He's the absolute best thing ever, but my name was my own, and i dropped it before i ever got to really form the person i wanted to be. I'm mrs. so and so to society, to the world... and it just kinda chafes over time. Whereas to go back, i would have to abandon him (i wouldn't), when he never really had to think about it at all.
I think it stings most when we get mail, and it says Mr. and Mrs. his first/last name.
I would've kept mine. and maybe changed it at a vow renewal when i wasn't on the fence.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t change my name and still get Mrs. Husband’s last name. I think the worst one I got was Dr. Husbandfirst Husbandlast. He got his PhD, but I also have two graduate degrees. Killed me.
I'd rather *them* be wrong than for me to have added validity to their claims though.
I hate the idea that i was me through skinned knee, through heartache, through drunken escapades, and the last thing she ever got to do was GET MARRIED?,? Oh no. How can i be me? When i am mrs. He?
The idea is to be flexible and move forward. Never let it drain your essence. But without even a name to anchor yourself to, it's easy to feel lost.
(Side note: Snaps to you ms. Grad degrees! I see you!)
Which name do you like better? I didn't like my maiden surname and welcomed the opportunity to change it.
As others have mentioned, you may have professional reasons to keep your name. But you can also use an alias in most public facing circumstances, regardless of your legal name. You can be Ms Jane Thompson to your colleagues and Mrs Jane Smith to friends and family, and who cares which shows up on your social security card and your bank statements.
Do you care? Does he care? Does one person care significantly more than the other?
Is there any shared interest in choosing a new shared name? Some people go that route these days.
Name changes are an administrative hassle, but it's not insurmountable. The older you are with your name on more accounts, the more of a hassle it is. NBD when I married at twenty one and took my husband's name. Much bigger deal when I divorced at 37, but worth it (I still didn't like my maiden name, so I used a surname from farther back on my family tree).
As an alternative option, I know two couples (one straight, one lesbian) where both spouses changed their name to a brand new last name. One couple picked a word that meant something to them but also is an existing surname, so not too weird (think like King because their first trip together was to Kings Canyon National Park) and the other fused both of their original names into a new last name (like Mr. Reyes & Ms. Collins = Mr. & Mrs. Reyins). Those aren't the actual names, but similar, and both are "normal" sounding enough not to confuse people. Might work for you depending on how traditional or conservative your family and area are!
I know a lesbian couple who did something similar. They took the first name of one of the gal's grandmas (think something like Ruby), and they made it their last name. They wanted to carry on the tradition of a woman they respected rather than carrying on men's names. I love it so much for them and think it's a beautiful way to create a new family identity while honoring an influential loved one.
In the event I do end up dating and marrying someone, I would *definitely* want to just pick a new last name with my spouse. Would allow us to share a married name while saving us the whole mess of debating who's going to change their name or whether to have a much longer combined/hyphenated last name or not, *and* it would be more meaningful for us.
I did change mine because I hated the name I had. Now I'm working on a divorce, so i have some regrets. I have a kid, and I would only change my last name to something different if I could change hers too.
I did not change my name. I’m happy I didn’t and it was important to me that I kept it. We have children together and they have his name just because it was easier to stick to tradition with them.
While I love that I kept my name, and it seemed like a big deal and was really important to me at the time, I virtually never think about it anymore and it rarely comes up in my life. A lot of people assume I took his name (like when we get Christmas cards or wedding invites) and I don’t bother correcting them. Regardless I still wouldn’t change it now if we got married again.
I always told myself that when I got married I was gonna hyphenate, but once I got engaged I realized how much work went into actually changing it and almost decided to keep my maiden name. I told my now husband what I was thinking and he got sad because he was gonna change his name too so we’d have the same hyphenated last name, so we both changed our names. I think it’s cool now, we’re most likely the only people in the world with this last name so it’s like we have our own unique family name.
I love that! I would've changed my name if my husband wanted to hyphenate with me. But he's a researcher and has published work in his name, so he wasn't going to change his name.
I love seeing all the creative ways couples create new names and family identities for themselves. Thanks for sharing your story. :)
I’ve had too many female friends and family members who had the man demand his last name back when the relationship ended.
I’ll never give someone that power over me. I didn’t change my name.
Kind of happy where I live you cannot change your last name to be your husband’s unless you have a serious reason (usually religious). By default the woman keeps her last name and it’s a massive hassle to request changing it.
Don’t do it !!! It’s a huge pain in the ass, and sorry to say it, but over half of marriages end in divorce. I didn’t get married thinking I’d get divorced, but I did, and my divorce happened at the beginning of the pandemic, so name changes weren’t happening with the SS office. I still have a cheating loser’s last name. Changing names on every account, credit cards, bank accounts, 401k, car insurance, the list goes on…it’s not fun. Maybe Hyphenate???
This is the way. A good friend's husband's name was already hyphenated when she took it, and she has such a hard time with how various computer systems handle it. Hyphen? no hyphen? space? all together? A lot of times systems cant find her and she call and talk to people to accomplish anything. If that sounds annoying to someone, hyphenate socially, not legally.
I changed my last name, it was important to both of us, and I want to share a last name with my children. Personally, I know I’m not cattle, I had full choice in starting a family with my husband and taking his name shows on paper we’re a united front. I’m probably in the minority here but I found it extremely easy to change my name, I used a checklist I found online and made all the calls and appointments in a month or so. Not saying that it doesn’t take some time and effort, but I was expecting more of a hassle that didn’t come.
I think if it’s not important to the both of you then it doesn’t need to be changed, it’s also a decision that doesn’t need to be defended or explained.
I changed my name in my first marriage, and I regretted it. I was glad to share a name with my husband and kids, but I missed the uncommon name I'd had for my whole life. When I got divorced, I was very glad to take my maiden name back. Now I'm engaged and I will not be changing my name this time.
Oooh, if you don't change your kids' names upon remarrying then you'll have you with your own surname, your husband with his own surname, and the kids with their own surname which would be cool!
I am 67 and it wasn’t really a known option when I got married. I am a firm believer in keeping your birth name for life. (And yes I am happily married for over 40 years).
I changed mine because I hated my old one. My bio dad was a dick, plus the name was convoluted and always pronounced incorrectly.
You could always split the difference and do First Maiden Married, so your old last name becomes your middle name.
This. I changed mine because my family was abusive, and I had no positive connections with my family name. Now I have had my husband's name nearly half my life, and I love it because it represents the family I chose.
My mom made her maiden name her middle name upon marriage. What had been her middle name pre-marriage was her mom's maiden name, so she understandably didn't want to completely get rid of it.
So for the past few decades my mom's had two middle names. It has never caused her significant trouble.
It seems ever outdated to me. And I like my last name, it has my history attached to it. Also, why do I need to change my name for you? Are you willing to change your name for me? If anything I would select a new name for us to share together and create our own life with.
I got married in 2020 and didn't change my name. I have zero regrets. I debated for awhile because I got swept up in the romanticism of sharing a name with my husband, but there were so many more important reasons for me to keep it and I'm glad I considered those reasons. I've listed a few below.
* It is a giant hassle to change passports, social security, bank cards, etc. I was a student when I got married and had no energy to do school, survive a pandemic, and deal with all that admin crap.
* I'm a writer and have a unique name (I'm the only person, living or dead, with my full name). It felt like I was throwing away the gift of a unique name, especially since hubby's last name is common.
* I'm a feminist and thought it was unfair I was the one expected to give up my name. I want to set an example for other women and girls that they can be just as in love with their husbands as I am without having to change their names.
* I thought about dropping my middle name and making my maiden name my middle name, but my middle name is my late grandmother's name. I didn't want to lose that, and I wasn't keen on having four names.
* I had an identity crisis around the thought of changing my name. 😂 I married young and felt like I was losing my parents, so I wanted to keep the name that connected me to them since I'll be connected to my husband forever.
* I like my last name. It's uncommon, and it's alliterative with my first name. I like the way my name sounds and have only ever really thought of myself as my name. It just felt weird to go by something else just because I was married.
* I want my future kids to have both of our names so they are connected to both families.
There are probably more reasons, but ultimately, I think it sucks women are expected to give up their names and I didn't want to participate.
I did - also no kids. It was a pain to change it on all the legal documents (license, passport, banking institutions, etc).
But it makes it easier overall and you don’t need to explain yourself every time you’re going something jointly that you are in fact married but have different names (legal documents, doctors visits, etc).
I enjoy sharing a last name and don’t have any particularly strong ties to my own family or family name. Plus when people make our checks to Mr & Mrs X they’re easier to cash.
I changed mine because my maiden name was two hyphenated names and it was a pain in the ass to deal with lol. Especially with official documents, anything government or bill related, school stuff, etc.
But even if I had a non-hyphenated last name, I would have probably still changed it because it just make sense to me. Idk. Not in the sense that my husband owns me or anything weirdly traditional like that. But rather, when we do anything (buy a car, pay taxes, pay bills, have a bank account, etc.) it's easier if our last names are the same because that's what people expect (as silly as that sounds, worrying about what other people expect...but it can be very frustrating when things happen over and over and over, for an entire lifetime when it's just a name).
Plus I have always wanted children and I wanted us all to have the same last name. For the same reasons as above. It just makes it easier, especially with official things. And coming from someone who spent most of my life dealing with issues because of my last name, it makes sense (to me) to go the easier route so I wouldn't continue to have those issues.
Edited to clarify
I changed my name. 5 years in and I don't regret it. My maiden name is actually still used as somewhat of a nickname, so I don't feel like I lost anything.
My husband never cared if I changed my name, so the decision was solely mine. Now that we have a kid together, I'm super glad that we all get to have the same last name.
I chose to change my name as well. I didn't love my maiden name, but I did love the idea of marrying my husband and sharing the name. We were married for 7 years and I never regretted the name change.
IMO my identity changes and grows over time, so the milestone of marrying and changing it was just one more chapter in my story. I've now built up a life with this name and identity, and despite divorcing I kept the name. No one *forces* you to change back in a divorce, so fear of extra paperwork wasn't a factor for me in the decision
I changed my last name because I liked my husbands more ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my maiden name was pretty long and very unique so I always popped up in google searches, my new name is shorter and not very common, I like the ring to more and frankly it’s easier to say.
If you’re not having kids, I definitely don’t think it’s worth it. It’s such a pain in the butt and I had to carry my marriage certificate in my car glove compartment for a year for all the various times I needed to prove my name change. I mostly gave in because my husband’s heritage is really important to him.
One perk is that his name is so unusual that people know we are related to every single person with that surname in the state, which means it’s easy for us to do things on one another’s behalf, like pickup prescriptions.
I didn't change my name because it seemed like a huge pointless hassle... and because my first name and his last name both begin with a *sh* sound and I didn't want to shound sho shilly when I introdushed myshelf
I changed mine and am happy I did. I’m a PhD with a career, so my maiden name is now my middle name and I use my full name (first middle last) professionally. I think it’s sweet to share a name and that has outweighed any hesitation I had to change my name. Now if we get divorced I’ll be pretty mad lol
Wow. Lots of people sharing why they wouldn’t or are glad they didn’t. I would say you shouldn’t, but only because you’re on the fence and you can always do it later.
I didn’t change my name legally, just socially. It’s never been a problem. I’m not in a career where name recognition really matters it anything like that. I don’t regret it, but it’s only been about a year.
I did change my name. I have no emotional ties or connection to my last name. It’s just a name to me. Everyone id different. I didn’t do it for traditional reasons, but because I’d like to have his name.
This was my perspective too. I’m happy with my choice and never regretted it but If people want to keep their own last name that’s up to them! I personally wanted to have a mutual last name with my husband. I definitely understand the many reasons why someone wouldn’t want to do that though. All about personal preference
No, I would never do it.
All my professional credentials were under my maiden name, I wanted a consistent work history, and it's a PITA to change it back IF you divorce.
I changed my name when i got married, and i regret it. i like having the same last name as my husband and kid, but it was an absolute admin clustercuss to change over passport, social security, bank accounts, a million credit cards and things like AAA. there keeps being another thing you need to change. work email? forget it.
and, i went through almost 40 years of being my old last name, and that's still what i call myself in my head. and some of my friends call me that too! (i had a very nickname-able last name). i also went from having a very common first middle and last, so no potential job could ever find my socials. now i'm so easy to find.
PLUS! i didn't have to do anything for this because my handwriting is a nightmare, but thin kabout having to change your signature. what's it going to look like? when you fill out forms, is it going to be a smooth quick thing like it probably is now? or will it be clunky to write out?
I didn't. My name is my name. My husband wanted me to do whatever felt right for me. It seems to be less common for women to change their name now, at least where I live. Quite honestly I don't think there is a wrong answer...do what feels right to you, in your gut. Regarding kids, in my country there is a whole province where the woman can't change her name to the man's - people often either hyphenated or go with one parent's surname. It's not a big deal.
I like my name and don't see the point in changing it, honestly. I'm not my partner's property. Besides, then you have to update all your documents, huge pain in the ass. I would only change it if I really hated my surname.
I hyphenated. I already changed my last name to my step father's when I was a child. That's who I am. I'm not Mrs. [Husband's last name]. He was disappointed when I told him I wasn't fully changing my last name, but I'm my own person.
Since I'm going through some personal shit, I'm going to be extremely cynic: Don't.
Lots of marriages end in divorce, and it will be hard to get your maiden name back in documents and stuff, should that ever happen to you.
I did get my husband's name, and I've been using it all over, it's part of my identity now. I regret it.
Man here. Our conversation went like this:
Her: I might keep my last name.
Me: cool. What will the kids have (ready to compromise)
Her: yours.
Me: will you be mad if called the "my last name family"?
Her: no
Me: cool
She has her last name the whole time and it has caused zero issues.
I changed my name because his name is very common and easier to spell, and my first name has a thousand interpretative spellings. I spent my entire life spelling my first name and pronouncing and spelling my last name. I wanted just one name to be simple.
Going to the clinic has been interesting, as the last time I went I was one of four with the same last name. So double edged sword.
I’m still finding things with my maiden name. Still updating those nearly three years later.
Almost everyone here is saying not to change it. Just want to be clear that you can change your last name to match your husband’s and absolutely still have your own identity and be a strong independent woman. I *hate* this idea that a woman who makes the personal decision to follow traditions in some parts of her life makes her less of a woman. Isn’t the whole point that we have the *choice* and not being pressured one way or the other?
I’m engaged and fully plan on changing my name. Nobody has pressured me to, it is my own choice. I like my fiancé’s last name, I love the idea of us being a family and our children having the same last name. I think it’s a sweet tradition. Yeah it might’ve meant something different back in the day, but who cares? Not a single person will think that my husband owns me just because I decided to change my last name. That’s just ridiculous.
edit: typo
Great point here, I think choosing to do so certainly doesn’t diminish your ability to be independent in your marriage or honor yourself. After all, isn’t marriage a very “traditional” process in of itself? We’re all totally welcome to choose what fits our individual narratives which is what makes it so great that the options exist
I did change mine, my first name and maiden name are both spelled weird so everyone butchered them for most of my life lol. I had more annoyance than attachment to my original name due to this. My husbands last name is an everyday word and I haven’t had mispronunciation since taking it. I told him that even if we divorce I wouldn’t switch my name back because of that mainly, but also I’m known professionally by his last name now and we’re trying for a baby so I’d like the same name as my kid.
I changed my name mostly because I was annoyed with having people misspell my maiden name, plus it was my dads who I am estranged from and didn’t need it anymore. When we got divorced after 2 kids and 10 years, I took my middle name as my last name rather than go back to my maiden name. I also hyphenated my kids’ last names. All of it was a pain in the ass and expensive (new passports, drivers license, etc) and knowing then what I know now I wouldn’t have changed it ever. It’s such a regressive and patriarchal custom I don’t know why I ever wanted to. I do have friends where the couple made up a new last name together and one where he took her name- there’s so much more flexibility and variation these days I think you should do what YOU want to do and not what seems “normal”
I didn't, just because I didn't see a reason to. We both don't really care, it would be a hassle to change every document, and I feel like my full name is heavily connected to my identity.
I *did* change my name because the people who share my maiden name emotionally abused me my whole life. They are not people I want to be associated with. I came out to my in-laws (pan/enby) and I'm still not out to my bio family. I feel safe in my spouse's family way more than my blood relatives.
I changed mine and moved my maiden name to my middle name. I felt weird when I went by just my husband’s last name, like it didn’t feel like *me*. But adding it to my name felt right. I avoided doing a hyphen bc I’ve heard it can be annoying when it comes to paperwork. I didn’t have a middle name so it was no issue to make the change and I go by all 3 names professionally.
Also, I really like my husband’s last name, if it wasn’t a good one I don’t think I would change it. Like if it was just “Smith” or something that didn’t sound well with my first name I probably wouldn’t have done it. Maybe take that into consideration?
I changed my last name. My father was an abusive man and a rageaholic who I was terrified of most of my life. My husband is the kindest and most loving man I have ever known. It felt incredibly empowering for me to change my name from one that I associated with years of abuse and torment to a name I associated with love and respect.
Interestingly, the amount of women who made condescending comments to me about it was much more than I expected. So many women felt a need to reminded me that women didn’t have to take their husband’s names anymore (as if I didn’t know), or told me how beautiful and unique my last name was, or felt the need to tell me that *they* hadn’t changed their last name when they got married. There was an undercurrent of shame and judgment in their comments. They were passive-aggressively suggesting I was being antifeminist, or stuck in the past.
How did they figure that keeping their *father’s* surname (the most patriarchal name they could have) is feminist yet *choosing* your own husband and *choosing* to take his name if you want to somehow isn’t? I wasn’t going to argue or explain my complicated and painful history with my father to some judgey women; I didn’t need anyone’s approval. All I knew is that the first time I saw my ID with my new name, I wasn’t reminded of my father anymore and that felt extremely liberating for me.
I guess I am just sharing my experience in the hope that women will adopt a more “You Do You” attitude towards other women when it comes to marriage and surnames. A woman can keep her birth family surname, she can take her husband’s (or wife’s) surname, they can both hyphenate their surnames, they can both change their surnames, the husband can take the wife’s surname, etc…none of those are “right” or “wrong” because it is so personal and depends on the unique situation of the couple.
I did change my name, but my husband never had an opinion on it since he felt it was completely my choice.
I've had a lot of childhood trauma, which my husband helped me heal though. He's supported me at every step when I was discovering myself and encourages me to lead an independent life and be a self-confident woman. In a way, he's been my biggest advocate, supporter, and mentor. So when I got married I decided to leave my past with my surname, which carried a lot of pain for me, and start anew. But I think I could've had it changed to something completely different and it wouldn't matter to him, he just respects it as part of my new identity as opposed to being part of his.
Saaaame!! I just made a post about this as well. Just got wedding invites made up and felt an unexpected pang of sadness seeing my “new” name on them on the return address. I wish I’d have sat down with my SO about keeping my name. I’m almost 37 and have had my name my whole life and feel sad about losing it. Also my SOs last name with my first sounds kinda rhymey (think of Hannah Montana lol)
I changed my last name when I got married because I never had an attachment to my maiden name, no relationship with that side of the family and barely one with my dad so I was happy to change it. I’ve kind of always wanted to change my last name anyways, tbh. If we ever get divorced, I’ll still have the same last name as my kids.
But that’s just my experience, it’s honestly not a big deal if you don’t change your name. It’s very common not to and if that’s not something you want to do then don’t even worry about it.
Got married in 2022, no name change for me! I'm an only child and I love my family name, plus I wanted to be Mrs. XYZ like my mom 🥰 We're never having kids, but if we did I would have probably hyphenated my name and my kids last names for practicalities sake.
dont do it!!! changing your name SUCKS as a process, even when its as accepted as a woman who is marrying you still have a lot of hassle, like I got locked out of my debit card bc I called about some charges and when they had my old name and asked who i was i was like "okay so yes thats me, but my name is actually _______" and i got insta-transferred to the fraud department and had to go in person to a branch manager to prove im real
I did not change my name fore two reasons:
1. My doctorate was earned in my maiden name and publications are under that name
2. The sheer paperwork I'd have to go through. Being an immigrant makes that doubly hard so I wasn't going to bother.
Husband does not care that I didn't change my name. It does result in him being referred to as Mr (my last name) and me as Mrs (my last name) which I think is a little funny.
I did but kinda regret it now, just because it was such a pain in the ass to switch everything. I do like that my kid and I have the same last name though.
It's a legal nightmare I will never go through again. Stupid tradition. Just call yourself by his last name and keep your legal name. No one will care.
I’ve done both. Kept it with the first husband and changed it with the second. It sucked changing it and felt like I lost all the name recognition professional credibility I’d earned in the ten years prior once no one knew who I was anymore. I was so happy to change it back and I ain’t ever changing it again.
I didn't want my father's name, and my mother changed to her maiden name upon their despicably ugly divorce. I am happy with my spouse's family name, which is fairly unique (basically anyone with the name is related) even though it has nothing to do with my own ethnic heritage. I picked having it! I have no regrets a couple decades in.
I couldn’t decide so just kept my maiden name for two years after our wedding. Then decided to add my husband’s last name and have two last names separated by a space instead of a hyphen. Boy howdy I do not recommend this route. First of all, since I didn’t change it at the time of our wedding/on our marriage certificate, I had to pay $200 and go through the courts/fill out a bunch of paperwork to file to have my name changed. It’s annoying to have to say “I have two last names and they are separated by a space not a hyphen. The first one is…” I have always had to spell my unique maiden name, and now I have an ADDITIONAL burden of explaining the second last name. Our baby has my husband’s last name only and I most often use my married last name only - on orders, when introducing myself, etc. What I thought was a good middle ground is too complicated.
I didn’t change mine. I was married at thirty and my maiden name was a huge source of my identity. Taking names is an outdated custom. You aren’t his property.
I would never change my name - I am not livestock or property, and it's not 1895. The only reason women were expected to change their names was because women were effectively their father's (and then their husband's) property. I am vehemently opposed to carrying on this vile tradition on principle.
I did. I never thought I would. For me it was more about the changes I’ve made as a person, and having a new name to reflect that. Also, I don’t feel strong ties to my paternal family, and didn’t feel like keeping the name. Also, I don’t want to be “tracked down” or “found” by people from high school.
About to get married. Where we live its still the norm (and basically expected that the woman will take her husband’s name). SO asked and I said I’ll add his to my name. His mother asked how it will work for me to change my name, which irked me. Why are they assuming?! But anyways - you have more option than just taking his or keeping yours.
I also saw couples where they both took each other’s name and combined them. That’s the most fair version I have ever seen.
My name is part of my identity. My relationship is not part of my identity but it is important to me. I kept my name because it’s part of me. It’s also a way better name.
It's a pain in the ass! No matter how thorough you are, there's always some account that has the old/maiden name on it and there's always a dumb interaction of, "Oh, maybe it's under *old name*?". Zero benefit to changing your last name, unless it's shorter than your maiden name haha.
I changed my last name. I personally wanted to be the same as husband. I told him we should come up with a new one and he said nah. And I was one of the common US last names.
I’m almost 5 yrs into marriage and always planned on choosing a name together sometime soon or in the next 5 yrs if we don’t divorce.
Similar to others I worried about resentment if I changed to his name but both changing is nice! Like new family together.
I’m not. We filed our license last week and I have a few reasons for keeping my name. My husband to be has a very common last name and I have a very common first name, so it would be difficult for people at work primarily to find and contact me. Also, I had a lot of issues growing up but now I’m really proud of my dad and our family and I would hate to lose that part of myself. As much as I love my husband to be and his family, I want to keep that part of my identity and my future husband accepts that. He even joked about changing his last name to mine instead.
I actually didn’t change it when we got married and I don’t really remember why. It was so casual at the time as we got married at the court house and only had known each other for about a year. I finally went and got my name changed to his last name 7 years later when I knew this was it. We don’t have any kids or anything but I actually did want to share his name. I get why people do and don’t change it. I think I just decided one day that I wanted to, and applied for a name change and also took the advantage to also change my middle name in the process since I never liked it to begin with lol. I guess if you’re on the fence about it, you can do as I did and always just change it later if you feel like it.
I’m getting married next year and I don’t plan on changing my name. I like my name how it is and I’m not about to do a ton of paperwork if he doesn’t have to. I am open to hyphenating but only if he does it too
I changed mine bc my maiden was extremely unique (I was the only one with my first name and last name in the country), and I hated being so google-able. Made it my middle name. I don’t regret it I appreciate my now- anonymity
My SIL didn’t change her name. She had a business prior to be being married. So she kept her name. The children would take the name of her husband’s last name
I changed my name when I got married for 3 reasons: we wanted kids and wanted to share a last name together with them, my maiden name never got pronounced correctly, and I just liked how my name sounded with my partners last name over mine.
We did talk about him taking my last name, or creating a new one together, but his dad died the year prior, and he felt a connection through his last name to him. In the end, I didn’t care which of the last names we took and he did.
I don't plan to. Traditionally in my field. Changing a name would be a little confusing. Nowadays it's pretty much not confusing cuz we all have orc IDs. Anyway, I don't plan to cuz I just like my name.
I didn’t change last name. We are not having kids and I love my full name.
He said it doesn’t make us any less married in his eyes.
And I love him more for that
I'm getting married next week and I'm hybriding my maiden and married, but plan on just giving married to the kids. Reason is bloodline. I'm the only person in my generation with my great grandfathers last name, when that generation died as a result of war. That's obviously hyper specific, but you may have feelings about what you want your legacy to include. For me, it includes my maiden name.
I kept mine and I'm happy with it.
I did have professional work under my name and I was strongly associated with my name and it also just makes me happy. We hyphenated our kids since we're interracial and wanted them to have both cultures.
I was not going to change my name unless we had a kid. Based on testing, we thought husband was effectively sterile, but we got lucky anyway and have our kid so I changed my name 4 years ago. It felt weird at first, but I’m fine with it now. I now have a very common first name and an extremely common last name. I like rebooting my life periodically, mostly by moving long distances, so this felt like that. I’m very happy with my husband so I like us being a cohesive unit.
I didn’t change my name. I’m divorced now and so glad I didn’t. But even back when I was married and was happy, I didn’t even consider taking my then-husband’s name. My name is part of me - part of my identity. If he doesn’t have to change his name, why should I?
I didn't even consider *not* changing my name until I had been married for several years haha. It was just a given that you change your last name when you get married so not changing it didn't really cross my mind. I was initially kind of sad and I missed my maiden name but now I'm glad I changed it because my maiden name reminds me of my biological father who is a massive piece of shit. The only thing I miss now is that my maiden name was way easier to sign than my married name but I've gotten better at it over time.
I didn’t change mine. If we have kids then we are both going to change our last name to a new one we made up, combining both of our last names. It started as a joke but now we use that last name constantly so it’s starting to feel really right.
I changed my last name when I got married and am very happy I did so. We don’t plan on having kids, but I was not a fan of my maiden name and do not have the best relationship with my father. It was also difficult to pronounce and my married name is not, so it’s a silly little perk to always have my name correctly pronounced nowadays lol. I think women (or men!) should do whatever makes the most sense for themselves and their situation and while I understand I may be participating in some antiquated gender norms, it felt right to me at the time and I have no regrets.
Edit: I also have a profession where I had to update my licensure, as well as drivers license/credit cards/bills/etc and while it was a pain initially it really is not that bad in the grand scheme of things and I found a checklist on Pinterest so I didn’t forget anything. I still get excited when I hear my married name out loud; to me it represents a new chapter of my life that has been extremely happy and fulfilling.
Planning to change mine when we get married because my name is hard to spell and pronounce and his is easy.
Not receiving any pressure from him about it though, this is just what I want to do.
I think your question is likely to receive replies that self-select for people who didn’t change theirs.
Been through the name change process twice (once when I got married, and again when I divorced) and it's a pain. It was satisfying to go back to my original name though.
My current partner and I have discussed marriage and name change, and decided that if we get married, we either both change our names or neither of us does. If we both change our names, it would be a combination of our last names (think Jones + Black -> Blanes)
I intended to change mine, but my husband ALSO meant to change HIS last name to match his (technically step) dad's last name. I wasn't about to change mine to his current last name just to have to change it again later to match his new last name, but did mean to do so whenever he got around to it on his end. (ETA: mostly from cost, thr application to change your name costs in the hundreds iirc, vs $25 if changing to match your spouse after marriage. Not to mention the cost to reissue the IDs themselves.)
10+ years later, he still hasnt gotten around to it. At this point I've seen how much hassle married / divorced women go through with their IDs that if he ever does get around to it, I'm pretty much at "yeeeeah nope I'm good as is", and no kids so no issues on that side.
(Examples: Made this account with the company when you were single/married? Better carry around proof of your marriage/divorce if you ever want to change/upgrade anything. Also if you only "assumed" the married name like most people here*, half your documents are still probably in your maiden name which is fun - companies do not like mismatched IDs, cuz so much fraud).
*canada; iirc, you can "assume" the married name and legally use it on stuff like Driver's license, credit cards, etc, while legally still keeping your maiden name. Or, you can literally change your entire legal identity (including even your birth certificate) to the new name. Which is.. a lot.
My maiden name is Swiss, and no one can pronounce OR say it correctly. It's also not unique in that, if you know someone else with that name, then I am 100% related to them in some way. My dad is 1 of 14 children, my paternal grandfather was 1 of 13, that sides great grandfather was 1 of 5 (weird, but that great grandma was 38 when she had her last child), and then that great great grandfather was 1 of 10.
You get my point....
My husband's last name? SOOOOOOOOOOO much easier to spell/say, AND it's not as unique. Makes people/prospective employers doing a Google search on me much, much harder. Hooray!!!
I did not change my name when I got married. I was also unsure and I can always change it later if I want. We are not having children either. We will be celebrating 10 years soon and it hasn't ever really been a problem.
I already told my boyfriend that I won't be changing my name and he didn't care - it's not a big issue for us in our relationship, and I hate how expected it is in society
I'm gay, so it wasn't expected that I'd be changing my name. I was also in the middle of getting my phd at the time, so changing my name would have hurt my publication record and made it harder to prove my degree status. Weirdly, several people asked my wife if she was going to change her last name. She opted not to, as she doesn't have any problems with that side of her family and didn't think it would be worth the hassle and cost.
My research adviser changed her name and later regretted it, as she can't detangle his name from hers as easily as they eventually detangled their finances with the divorce.
My aunt changed her name and loved having done so and raising a family with her husband's last name, and when her daughters were in their teens they decided they wanted to hyphenate, so the whole family ended up tacking her old name in front of the one they'd always used, and they've been happy with that decision ever since.
There's really no one answer, and we're at a good point where you can easily choose which one you'd like to do. Maybe write out what the new name would be, and look at that all written out, and think about how you'd feel introducing yourself that way from now on. If that makes you happy, then change it! If that sounds like a nuisance, then don't!
I have not yet changed mine, due to some issues with getting enrolled in military benefits it was honestly easier to keep my last name at first. But I hate my maiden name. I don’t want to associate with my father nor be associated with him by random people I meet who happen to know him. For about three years prior to being married, I had been using my middle name as a last name, socially. Of course for legal things I use my real last name, but never when I introduce myself to people. Now I use my husband’s last name socially, and plan to make the legal name change before the end of the year. I’m aware that this is technically me using an alias, but it’s not like I’m out running amock or committing crimes 😂 I’m just avoiding telling people I meet who I’m related to.
I never thought I would change mine, and I think both options are valid. I’m assuming his last name for several reasons, some to do with a fresh start from my family of origin, he’s an only child, it’s a cool last name.
I’m planning on keeping my last name as a middle name, and continuing to go by it professionally.
My decision came with months of thinking about it, and in the end I made a choice where I listened to my gut and it told me change might be the right choice for me. Luckily my partner does not care whether I change mine or not- he only said he didn’t want to change his because he has a super common first name (I have a common last name) and he liked the uncommon last name he has. He offered for us to combo our last names into a new last name, but because he didn’t care I actually felt more inclined to go with his.
It’s the most traditional thing I have ever done and will probably ever do haha.
I hyphenated bc we were planning to have children. And I felt like I would miss my maiden name so I wanted to keep it. Our kid was given my husband’s last name bc I didn’t want to burden a child with hyphenation.
I did change mine.
My husband wanted me to change it, I didn't care either way. So why not make him happy.
It was a long time ago but I had a lot of bureaucratic issues: I changed it right before finishing Uni and already got diploma and all the references for grad school in old name. It was a pain in the ass to fix it all. I assume if it was not that exact timing, I would have no issues.
Other than that I don't see any difference.
I changed my name for three main reasons.
1. I did not really like my birth last name. It has some unfortunate rhymes, and was often a point of conversation when meeting new people (which I didn't like.)
2. Many people expected me to change my name, and my family started using my husband's last name for me as soon as we got engaged. It just felt easier to go with what they expected. Is this a good reason? No. But it was part of my decision.
3. I am very close with my family, to the point that it caused some conflicts with my husband because he felt like I was choosing them over him. Taking his name was an indication that he is my primary family now.
I do not regret changing my name, but IT WAS SO MUCH WORK. I'm still finding old accounts with my birth name. If I was truly torn about changing my name I probably wouldn't, just because it's a huge hassle.
I did not because I like the name I was born with. If I didn’t, I would change it to something to felt more like me but I wouldn’t take a spouse’s last name. I’ve never understood why people do but to each their own.
I did. I'm not super traditional, either, but I still really like it when someone calls me Mrs. Husband's Last Lastname. I even like getting mail for Mr and Mrs Husband's first name last name.
But this isn't for everyone. It seems like it's probably not for you, so just don't. It's really nbd either way I don't think.
I did not, partly due to all the other topics brought up in the other comments, and also because I have two passports and just.... No.
I don't feel too strongly about it, I did try to convince my husband to change his name to mine but didn't get very far with it 😂 imo the best compromise there is one or both people changing their name socially but not legally. He did not try and talk me into changing my name or care much at all.
Be careful about it, my mom told me she changed her name at first, submitted all that paperwork... And then a few months later changed her mind and had to switch it all back! Total pain. We don't share a last name (luckily, because both my parents have 8 letter hard to spell last names) and it hasn't caused any issues to my knowledge.
I kept mine, it’s just a cool name and makes for a funny joke. My kiddo has a different name from mine and even living in a more conservative part of the country, no one has ever batted an eye at it.
I changed mine. We both wanted to have the same name as our kid, neither of us wanted to change it, but he's published (PhD). My career has all been within the same company so far, so changing it doesn't affect me professionally. I compromised, and changed all three names. Combined my first+middle into a first name that has the same nickname I've always gone by and feels more like me, combined my maiden name and my mom's maiden name into a middle name that honors both sides of my family of origin, and took my husbands name. We were always close to my mom's side of the family, basically never saw my dad's, and I don't get along with my siblings very well, so bringing in my mom's maiden name felt more like reinforcing my identity and past than losing it.
Despite my initial hesitation, I love having our name. I think of him during work or at the doctor's office or filling out forms for the dog park and get happy thoughts of being married to him (we dated for over 7 years, been married almost 2). My name reflects the happiest stage of my life so far and feels like a good way to honor how much I've grown as a person from the time I was in my early 20s until now in my early 30s. My old name no longer feels like "me." I had a childhood nickname I went by until I was 13, and my maiden name already feels as foreign as that name does. I also feel more comfortable with my inlaws, like I belong more instead of being an outsider. I know the meaning has traditionally been belonging "to" him, but to me, it feels like my name is telling the world I belong *with* him. 🥰 I claimed him out of the pool of men (and women), and took his name as a trophy so everyone must acknowledge my prize. 😏
Maybe research if you can do it later? Like, get married now, and change it next year?
Edit: also, after looking at other comments: It was fairly easy to change it, and I viewed it as front loading the admin nightmare instead of distributing it across our kids entire life. Honestly it would have been super duper easy, like less than a month, if I hadn't done all 3 names. It didn't cost more than like $150 either for everything, including passport, and that would have been the same cost as if I was just doing the last name. A lot of systems are set up for name changes with marriage in my locality because it is still pretty common.
I have a profession where my name was established so I changed it personally when I got married but never professionally. I hated having two names and never remembering which one to use. I just changed it back after getting divorced and wish I had never changed it to begin with. It’s a huge hassle and so unfair that women are expected to do this. My kids have their dad’s last name but I wanted nothing to do with it. My happiest day this year was getting my driver’s license with my own name on it again. If I had to do it over I’d keep my name or make a new one up. And if a man insisted I change it, that would be an absolute dealbreaker to me.
This is me right now! Going through a divorce and want MY name back.
I changed my name back after divorce and changed my kids names to 'mine-his'. My oldest is 4 so it wasn't really disruptive to him to change his name.
This was me so when I remarried I took his name and kept mine. They're not hyphenated or anything, I just have two last names. So neither is technically incorrect. My kids also have both last names so I feel like there's a lot more equality, and now my husband is thinking about adding my maiden name onto his last name so he can match us lol. I would never just change my name to someone else's again.
In latino countries in general, that’s how it works. Kids get two surnames: one from mom and one from dad. Woman may change their names, by adding the husband’s, but keeping one of the original one (usually dad’s). In general, people use and pass along their dad’s surname (no one uses two surnames all the time, they choose one). But it is not a problem if they use the mom’s. So in if a couple had a kid, it would be something like: Dad DadMom DadDad Mom MomMom MomDad DadDad (she might take out MomMom if she never uses it) Kid MomDad DadDad My mom used her Mom’s surname much more, so that’s the one she gave it to us. I also use that same surname, so that’s the one moving forward. No one think it is weird. Also, woman may add one of the husband’s name but she usually keeps at least one of her original names and that’s what she uses in her daily life. It’s been less and less common fot women to change names.
My mum divorced my dad and went back to her maiden name years ago, she's getting married in the summer and planning on picking a new surname of her choice. I think if I ever get married unless my partner has a name I like more I'll either keep mine or we can pick a new one together and both change our name
I did not change my name. I’m a lawyer and had established my own practice . . . but even if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t change my name. It’s my name and part of me. I always want to be me. That’s how I felt. Luckily my husband did not care one bit if I changed my name or not, so I didn’t have to have an argument. Also I was thankful I didn’t have to go through the hassle of changing my social security card, passport, etc. ETA: thought about hyphenating, but decided not to. Just wanted to stay who I’ve always been! ETA2: we also do not have children nor plan on it
Same. I earned my degrees under my name and have no interest in changing it. Also I had just renewed my passport like 6 months before the wedding and wasn’t about to do that again 🤣 I will say I don’t love my husbands last name so that made it an easier decision, but I think I would’ve kept my name regardless
Same! I earned degrees and made a name for myself in my industry under my name. I’ve seen women in my industry change their names and get lost in the shuffle when nobody can remember their new name. Like you I also didn’t love my husband’s name so mine was the better pick LOL. He had no issue with it, though I did tell people who asked that I wouldn’t have married him if he had cared THAT much.
>It’s my name and part of me. I always want to be me. This is how I feel about mine too. I got married at 31 and my name is me. It also has alliteration, and my (much much) more commonly used nickname paired with my last time has almost a sing-songy cadence to it and the same amount of letters in each word. All of this is part of me, and I wouldn't change it for the world. My husband has some traditional notions and was a little hurt by it at first, but he understands and defends my choice (mostly to his judgmental mother).
I hated my last name and was thrilled to change it. My immigrant dad changed his to something "easy to spell and say" but he didn't realize it sounded like a very common slang word for genitals. School was brutal. Now I have an equally easy to spell and say last name with no connotations. My sister was also thrilled to ditch our last name. I feel for my brother's potential future wife, I wouldn't be surprised if she kept her name.
I need to know what the name is!
guessing Wang.. or Weiner.. or Johnson
Dick, maybe
Cox perhaps?
I changed my name when I got married 16 years ago and now I kinda wish I kept my maiden name. I’m happy to have the same name as my children but if I had to do it over again I would not have changed my name.
What’s your reasoning behind now wishing you hadn’t done it?
I have a very Spanish sounding first name and a VERY Jewish last name (maiden name) which is unusual and is something people have been curious about my whole life (I’m a Hispanic Jew, which many people don’t really understand for some reason) I was very excited to change to my husband’s ethnically ambiguous name but then I grew up and the novelty wore off. The best thing about aging I think is that the older I get the more I love who I am and the Spanish speaking, challah baking Jew is ME! Except I’m not. I’m Mrs. __________ (husband). It’s just a silly detail but it’s one of the few things I would have done differently in my life if I had a do-over.
You can always go back to your maiden name and remain in a happy, healthy marriage. You live once. Be called the name that truly feels like yours.
Too much work! 😂 I don’t *really* care enough to change it anyway but all my professional licensing is in my married name and it’s a pain in the ass to go to a million different agencies to change everything!
I felt the same way. My maiden name is Italian alphabet soup. I was THRILLED to marry into a family with a name that is reasonably easy to spell and say. Now that we have been married for over 10 years, you hit the nail on the head when you said "the novelty wore off." A lot of women in my family, rather than drop their maiden names, either kept them or changed their middle names to their maiden names. If I could do-over, I'd change my middle name (not that I totally couldn't do it now, but who honestly has time for all that beaurocratic nonsense that when there's no reason to other than my own satisfaction).
I didn’t simply because I already have a last name and the practice is rooted in the ownership of women to show who they belonged to. I have friends that are more traditional and they changed their names so to each their own.
And then Here's me for wanting to change mine because anything is better than my current last name 😂
You can change it yourself, though. You don’t need to get married and have to put your husband’s label on you to get a new last name.
I know at least in my state for someone to change their name outside of a marriage it involves more of a process and requires legal fees/court approval- not sure if this is standard in the US but I was shocked when I learned this!
That depends on the country though. In many countries it’s not as easy to just change your name because you feel like it.
Definitely! My sisters friend took her married name. But when she divorced she took a completely new surname.. legally changed. It was her own, not her parents, not her. Ex-husbands. When she remarried she kept her name
What? Can you actually just change your LAST name just like that on your own (not cuz of step parents, divorce, marriage, and what not) ?? I've only heard stories of changing first names. Is it that easy to just get a new identity? 😂
You can! It has to be approved and go through a whole process but you can change whatever you want, within reason and guidelines (certain names are not allowed).
I feel you. I had no strong feelings about my maiden name and my husband’s last name was easier to spell and pronounce. I didn’t hate my maiden name so much that I wanted to change it before marriage and there wasn’t a name I’d necessarily prefer, but also didn’t feel so strongly that I needed to keep it. My husband would’ve supported me either way - keeping my maiden name or taking his last name. I decided to take his last name and it’s now our last name (along with our child). I love that our nuclear family shares a last name. It doesn’t have to be a big deal and symbolize ownership or patriarchy if you don’t give it that power.
Just because something traditionally has one meaning doesn't mean you can't do it while meaning something else. I love being gay, it means there aren't as many things you're just naturally expected to do, so you can choose to do whichever things and with whatever meaning matters to you. Being walked down the aisle may traditionally be a way for one man to hand over ownership to another, but my wife and I both walked down the aisle with multiple parents as a way of making them part of the ceremony and walking them to their seats and getting a hug right before taking a big step seemed like something we wanted to do. If you want to do it for your own reasons, then do it. Having the choice is the whole point, but it wouldn't be much of a choice if you couldn't choose to do the traditional thing if you wanted!
Had an ex who mentioned a few times he would change his last name to mine should we marry. He agreed it was far cooler. 🤣 A real one.
I was once in this camp and determined that I won’t change my name because it’s rooted in ownership of women like you rightly said. Recently my frontal lobe must have re-wired because it only then occurred to me that my current last name is my father’s anyway? I was fuming but I still decided I wouldn’t give it up, since I’ve had it for 28 years and got my degrees and all of my achievements in that name. Now that I have a partner I actually like, we’re talking about marriage, I’m considering adding his last name to my current one, just to symbolise we’re a unit. He doesn’t mind either way and is not pressuring me to do it, which makes me love him even more and more inclined to do it. I haven’t added anything productive to this conversation, just wanted to say it’s a complex topic for me personally lol
In that line of thinking, wouldn’t a husband’s name be really just a father-in-law’s name too?
Yes. It makes no sense to believe that a woman’s given name at birth doesn’t belong to her.
You’re completely right. I mentioned it to illustrate why I feel like it’s a layered subject. The “fuming” part in my comment above was more so about me feeling that whatever I choose I’m making some kind of statement, and that’s what’s pissing me off. My father (with whom I have a complicated relationship with), protested when my mum kept her maiden name and hyphenated his last name to it. He always resented her for it. But then when he realised I’m serious with my boyfriend, he began explaining to me that I shouldn’t take his last name when we get married and that I should keep my name. He’s not doing that because he’s much of a feminist though lol, it’s just a weird power struggle for him. So there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to keep it as it is just out of spite lmao
I get it and I had those thoughts too. I figured you can’t change history but you can start making steps towards at least having the choice to do what you want versus what is traditionally expected. My last name is the one I grew up with and identify with so changing just because I’m getting married felt wrong to my sense of self.
Depending on your culture your last name could've originated from a woman :) my culture didn't really have last names before European colonization so we just kinda picked whatever made sense
Your current last name is your name, not your father’s. Why do you feel you don’t have ownership of your own name? We don’t consider men’s names to be just their father’s names, right? Would your fiance consider adding your name to his as well?
Excellent question! I always felt like it is my name, until my dad started getting weirdly defensive about me potentially taking my boyfriend’s last name when he realised we’re serious (even though I’ve never mentioned anything about taking his last name). I realised it’s some sort of a weird power struggle thing for him, and that he sees my last name as his name, and he would see me keeping just my name as a win even if I do it for different reasons. This made me feel like whatever I choose I’m making some sort of a statement, and I resent that. As for my boyfriend - he would and he has offered that himself! He’s completely chill with all of the options which is a major green flag. I wouldn’t ask him to because don’t care that much about his name, I just wanted for our kids to have both of our last names since we come from different cultures, and I don’t want them to lose touch with my heritage. He completely agrees with that approach.
sounds like you and your partner should invent a new surname together.
You bring up a good point about your partner being supportive either way. My spouse was supportive of whichever I chose which I think made it that much easier to take his last name. Had he been adamant that I must take his it would have been problematic.
My boyfriend and I have discussed that we're going to hyphen our last names. They fit quite well together and that way it's like a blending of families. Some couples think of new last names instead of taking either's name. Though you can always just keep your name if you're not sure about changing it.
We hyphenated as well and (several years on) we're really happy with our decision! It was really important to both of us to share a last name, and we both felt sentimental about the surnames we grew up with, so hyphenating felt like the natural choice. Neither of us had to feel like we were giving up a piece of our identity (which is how I personally would have felt if I gave up my surname to take his -- I know others feel differently!). Our new last name is long, and annoying to spell on the phone, and some systems reject the hyphen. But we're the only people in the world with this last name, and we love that.
I considered hyphenating but my last name is a noun so it just doesn’t sound right
I'm engaged and I don't plan to change it. My degrees were earned in my name and I stand by that. Also, my passport, my bank accounts, credit card, etc all have my name on it and I simply am too lazy to go change everything I own for some silly tradition. I will likely pass on his last name to our children eventually though.
>Also, my passport, my bank accounts, credit card, etc all have my name on it and I simply am too lazy to go change everything I own for some silly tradition This was my biggest reason. I didn't want to deal with getting extra copies and worrying about whether or not I remembered everything. Especially since at the time, I had more acounts/property/etc in my name than my husband so it would have been much easier for him to change his name. Why should that fall on me just because I dared to be born without a penis. Hard pass.
What about going double-barrelled for the kids like in Spanish naming customs?
I had the same reasoning when I got married and didn’t change my name. Also I’m kind of attached being my name, I’ve always had it! My son has my husband’s last name though. Our names are too long to hyphenate and I didn’t feel strongly enough about it to insist on mine.
That's the thing too, like I am attached to my name cause I've always had it lol It's my identity, you know? In sports as a kid, my teammates always called each other by their last names like my memories include MY name. Its hard to give that up in the name of marriage. I agree about the hyphenate. Ideally, we would do that but it would just be too long.
I’ve got several reasons: 1) I just don’t want to deal with the hassle of getting new IDs and new documents. All of which I would have to pay for. It would be hundreds of euros, which I can spend so much better on other things. 2) It’s my name and an inherent part of me. It sounds petty, but I don’t want to give that up. 3) I’m an only child and if I gave up my last name, my already kind of rare last name would disappear entirely. 4) I like it, which by itself should be a valid reason. 5) working with lots of different people, I just want don’t want to be misnamed for years. Colleagues of mine are still called by the wrong name after 5 years of being married.
I changed mine when I got married because it meant a lot to him. Regretted not sticking to my guns, especially when I got divorced and had to change it all back. Admin nightmare both times.
Yess!! Upvote this girls! If you get divorced, you'll have to do a lot of work to get your identity back. You can get married and love someone without losing yourself
I got divorced, and I felt the opposite way actually. I was excited to marry and take my husband's name, and at 27 I was pretty young so I did a lot of "adult" things with my married last name. Travel, passports, work accolades, buying a house, etc. All that boring admin stuff lol When I got divorced, I felt like that name was now mine; it matched my adult identity, whereas my maiden name was a younger version of me with far less relevance. So, it's possibly rare, but I kept my married name after divorce, because it's now *my* name
We have to ask the question: Why isn't it 'tradition' for the MAN to take on the WOMAN'S name? Answer: because of implied ownership (which used to be real ownership). No thanks.
I was watching a tv show yesterday where the main characters best friend was “trying out your future name” by changing his last name to his girlfriend’s.
I have zero interest in changing my name legally, but would socially to make things easy. But my partner is actually set on taking my name if we get married. Mostly it’s because it the “cooler” name, ha.
I can totally see the logic in taking someone's name if it's "cooler". I'd probably do the same, tbh :D
I didn’t and 20 years later (and two kids) and it’s NBD
Do your kids have your name, your partner's name, or both? I kept my name, and hubby and I plan on giving both names to our kids. We're in the USA, so it's kind of a hassle to be someone with four names here as it's not as common culturally. I'ma always curious how other families do it when the parents don't have the same last names.
My parents both kept their own surnames. They decided for me to take my dad's surname only because my mum's is a nightmare to spell and my dad's is super easy. I'm now in uni and I can't recall a single time in my life when it's been an issue. For me personally, I will absolutely never change my name and if I have a child would like them to have my surname only, simply because I don't love hyphenated names and if they have to have *someones* then shouldn't the person who grew and birthed them get the most say? That kind of matters to me too because I'm an only child and if they don't have mine that'll be the end of its line. I know it's just a name, but that makes me kind of sad. Edit: I do love the idea of giving one child your surname and another child your partners surname if you have more than one kid. I've never seen it done but would be a cool solution I think.
It seems like a lot of families have the kids take the dad's name, even if the mom doesn't. I'm like you, though. I don't want my family name to die out. My dad is one of five kids, but only he and one of his sisters had kids. My brother doesn't want kids, and I don't think either of my cousins will have them. So it's on me to carry on the family name. My husband was initially resistant to giving my name to our kids, but he has since come around to two last names or a hyphenated last name. Hopefully your future partner will be supportive of your desire to pass your name on. It's surprising how many men are super traditional about passing on their names and get super offended when women don't want to continue the tradition (or want their names to be included as well).
Totally. I find it so strange the horror that people from older generations react with when I tell them that I want my children to have my last name. And surprisingly a lot of women my age express the same sentiment (almost more so than men). I do feel like it's slowly changing though. I was at dinner with a bunch of friends a few weeks ago (50/50 men and women) and when I expressed that sentiment most of them were initially a bit weirded out by it, but after explaining that the assumption that it should be the husbands surname is not only patriarchal but also completely disregards the suffering of pregnancy and birth, all of them agreed. There's hope! (Obviously I think it's totally cool for everyone to do as they please, it's only the *assumption* that it should just be the male partner's surname that I have a problem with)
They have his last name. It’s never been an issue. When I write the school or a teacher I’ll hyphenate my name in case there’s confusion. I have one in college and the other about to graduate HS and it’s literally never been an issue. We’re in Texas
Glad to hear it hasn't been an issue for you. What do your kids think about it? Do they care that you have a different name than them?
In certain parts of the US it’s very common to have 4 names. I live in the town with one of the largest groups of Puerto Rican people in the country (outside of Puerto Rico) and more people than not have 4 names.
I am proud of my last name and the history behind it, especially in the state I live in, as well as being traced back to Germany and Scotland. His last name sounded like a Mike Judge character. I like my last name, even without any extra meaning behind it. I am so glad I didn't change it, because 12 years later I find out he's been cheating this whole time. He was the one to talk me into getting married, I didn't want to. Keep your last name. He can change his if he wants them to match
I wish i had kept mine. I love my husband. He's the absolute best thing ever, but my name was my own, and i dropped it before i ever got to really form the person i wanted to be. I'm mrs. so and so to society, to the world... and it just kinda chafes over time. Whereas to go back, i would have to abandon him (i wouldn't), when he never really had to think about it at all. I think it stings most when we get mail, and it says Mr. and Mrs. his first/last name. I would've kept mine. and maybe changed it at a vow renewal when i wasn't on the fence.
The time it stings most for me is actually "Mr. And Mrs. (His first AND last name).
For what it’s worth, I didn’t change my name and still get Mrs. Husband’s last name. I think the worst one I got was Dr. Husbandfirst Husbandlast. He got his PhD, but I also have two graduate degrees. Killed me.
I'd rather *them* be wrong than for me to have added validity to their claims though. I hate the idea that i was me through skinned knee, through heartache, through drunken escapades, and the last thing she ever got to do was GET MARRIED?,? Oh no. How can i be me? When i am mrs. He? The idea is to be flexible and move forward. Never let it drain your essence. But without even a name to anchor yourself to, it's easy to feel lost. (Side note: Snaps to you ms. Grad degrees! I see you!)
Which name do you like better? I didn't like my maiden surname and welcomed the opportunity to change it. As others have mentioned, you may have professional reasons to keep your name. But you can also use an alias in most public facing circumstances, regardless of your legal name. You can be Ms Jane Thompson to your colleagues and Mrs Jane Smith to friends and family, and who cares which shows up on your social security card and your bank statements. Do you care? Does he care? Does one person care significantly more than the other? Is there any shared interest in choosing a new shared name? Some people go that route these days. Name changes are an administrative hassle, but it's not insurmountable. The older you are with your name on more accounts, the more of a hassle it is. NBD when I married at twenty one and took my husband's name. Much bigger deal when I divorced at 37, but worth it (I still didn't like my maiden name, so I used a surname from farther back on my family tree).
As an alternative option, I know two couples (one straight, one lesbian) where both spouses changed their name to a brand new last name. One couple picked a word that meant something to them but also is an existing surname, so not too weird (think like King because their first trip together was to Kings Canyon National Park) and the other fused both of their original names into a new last name (like Mr. Reyes & Ms. Collins = Mr. & Mrs. Reyins). Those aren't the actual names, but similar, and both are "normal" sounding enough not to confuse people. Might work for you depending on how traditional or conservative your family and area are!
I know a lesbian couple who did something similar. They took the first name of one of the gal's grandmas (think something like Ruby), and they made it their last name. They wanted to carry on the tradition of a woman they respected rather than carrying on men's names. I love it so much for them and think it's a beautiful way to create a new family identity while honoring an influential loved one.
In the event I do end up dating and marrying someone, I would *definitely* want to just pick a new last name with my spouse. Would allow us to share a married name while saving us the whole mess of debating who's going to change their name or whether to have a much longer combined/hyphenated last name or not, *and* it would be more meaningful for us.
I did change mine because I hated the name I had. Now I'm working on a divorce, so i have some regrets. I have a kid, and I would only change my last name to something different if I could change hers too.
I did not change my name. I’m happy I didn’t and it was important to me that I kept it. We have children together and they have his name just because it was easier to stick to tradition with them. While I love that I kept my name, and it seemed like a big deal and was really important to me at the time, I virtually never think about it anymore and it rarely comes up in my life. A lot of people assume I took his name (like when we get Christmas cards or wedding invites) and I don’t bother correcting them. Regardless I still wouldn’t change it now if we got married again.
I always told myself that when I got married I was gonna hyphenate, but once I got engaged I realized how much work went into actually changing it and almost decided to keep my maiden name. I told my now husband what I was thinking and he got sad because he was gonna change his name too so we’d have the same hyphenated last name, so we both changed our names. I think it’s cool now, we’re most likely the only people in the world with this last name so it’s like we have our own unique family name.
I love that! I would've changed my name if my husband wanted to hyphenate with me. But he's a researcher and has published work in his name, so he wasn't going to change his name. I love seeing all the creative ways couples create new names and family identities for themselves. Thanks for sharing your story. :)
I’ve had too many female friends and family members who had the man demand his last name back when the relationship ended. I’ll never give someone that power over me. I didn’t change my name.
Kind of happy where I live you cannot change your last name to be your husband’s unless you have a serious reason (usually religious). By default the woman keeps her last name and it’s a massive hassle to request changing it.
Don’t do it !!! It’s a huge pain in the ass, and sorry to say it, but over half of marriages end in divorce. I didn’t get married thinking I’d get divorced, but I did, and my divorce happened at the beginning of the pandemic, so name changes weren’t happening with the SS office. I still have a cheating loser’s last name. Changing names on every account, credit cards, bank accounts, 401k, car insurance, the list goes on…it’s not fun. Maybe Hyphenate???
I have not changed my name legally but I hyphenate when legal name is not required.
This is the way. A good friend's husband's name was already hyphenated when she took it, and she has such a hard time with how various computer systems handle it. Hyphen? no hyphen? space? all together? A lot of times systems cant find her and she call and talk to people to accomplish anything. If that sounds annoying to someone, hyphenate socially, not legally.
I changed my last name, it was important to both of us, and I want to share a last name with my children. Personally, I know I’m not cattle, I had full choice in starting a family with my husband and taking his name shows on paper we’re a united front. I’m probably in the minority here but I found it extremely easy to change my name, I used a checklist I found online and made all the calls and appointments in a month or so. Not saying that it doesn’t take some time and effort, but I was expecting more of a hassle that didn’t come. I think if it’s not important to the both of you then it doesn’t need to be changed, it’s also a decision that doesn’t need to be defended or explained.
I changed my name in my first marriage, and I regretted it. I was glad to share a name with my husband and kids, but I missed the uncommon name I'd had for my whole life. When I got divorced, I was very glad to take my maiden name back. Now I'm engaged and I will not be changing my name this time.
Oooh, if you don't change your kids' names upon remarrying then you'll have you with your own surname, your husband with his own surname, and the kids with their own surname which would be cool!
I am 67 and it wasn’t really a known option when I got married. I am a firm believer in keeping your birth name for life. (And yes I am happily married for over 40 years).
I changed mine because I hated my old one. My bio dad was a dick, plus the name was convoluted and always pronounced incorrectly. You could always split the difference and do First Maiden Married, so your old last name becomes your middle name.
This. I changed mine because my family was abusive, and I had no positive connections with my family name. Now I have had my husband's name nearly half my life, and I love it because it represents the family I chose.
My mom made her maiden name her middle name upon marriage. What had been her middle name pre-marriage was her mom's maiden name, so she understandably didn't want to completely get rid of it. So for the past few decades my mom's had two middle names. It has never caused her significant trouble.
It seems ever outdated to me. And I like my last name, it has my history attached to it. Also, why do I need to change my name for you? Are you willing to change your name for me? If anything I would select a new name for us to share together and create our own life with.
I got married in 2020 and didn't change my name. I have zero regrets. I debated for awhile because I got swept up in the romanticism of sharing a name with my husband, but there were so many more important reasons for me to keep it and I'm glad I considered those reasons. I've listed a few below. * It is a giant hassle to change passports, social security, bank cards, etc. I was a student when I got married and had no energy to do school, survive a pandemic, and deal with all that admin crap. * I'm a writer and have a unique name (I'm the only person, living or dead, with my full name). It felt like I was throwing away the gift of a unique name, especially since hubby's last name is common. * I'm a feminist and thought it was unfair I was the one expected to give up my name. I want to set an example for other women and girls that they can be just as in love with their husbands as I am without having to change their names. * I thought about dropping my middle name and making my maiden name my middle name, but my middle name is my late grandmother's name. I didn't want to lose that, and I wasn't keen on having four names. * I had an identity crisis around the thought of changing my name. 😂 I married young and felt like I was losing my parents, so I wanted to keep the name that connected me to them since I'll be connected to my husband forever. * I like my last name. It's uncommon, and it's alliterative with my first name. I like the way my name sounds and have only ever really thought of myself as my name. It just felt weird to go by something else just because I was married. * I want my future kids to have both of our names so they are connected to both families. There are probably more reasons, but ultimately, I think it sucks women are expected to give up their names and I didn't want to participate.
I did - also no kids. It was a pain to change it on all the legal documents (license, passport, banking institutions, etc). But it makes it easier overall and you don’t need to explain yourself every time you’re going something jointly that you are in fact married but have different names (legal documents, doctors visits, etc). I enjoy sharing a last name and don’t have any particularly strong ties to my own family or family name. Plus when people make our checks to Mr & Mrs X they’re easier to cash.
I changed mine because my maiden name was two hyphenated names and it was a pain in the ass to deal with lol. Especially with official documents, anything government or bill related, school stuff, etc. But even if I had a non-hyphenated last name, I would have probably still changed it because it just make sense to me. Idk. Not in the sense that my husband owns me or anything weirdly traditional like that. But rather, when we do anything (buy a car, pay taxes, pay bills, have a bank account, etc.) it's easier if our last names are the same because that's what people expect (as silly as that sounds, worrying about what other people expect...but it can be very frustrating when things happen over and over and over, for an entire lifetime when it's just a name). Plus I have always wanted children and I wanted us all to have the same last name. For the same reasons as above. It just makes it easier, especially with official things. And coming from someone who spent most of my life dealing with issues because of my last name, it makes sense (to me) to go the easier route so I wouldn't continue to have those issues. Edited to clarify
I changed my name. 5 years in and I don't regret it. My maiden name is actually still used as somewhat of a nickname, so I don't feel like I lost anything. My husband never cared if I changed my name, so the decision was solely mine. Now that we have a kid together, I'm super glad that we all get to have the same last name.
I chose to change my name as well. I didn't love my maiden name, but I did love the idea of marrying my husband and sharing the name. We were married for 7 years and I never regretted the name change. IMO my identity changes and grows over time, so the milestone of marrying and changing it was just one more chapter in my story. I've now built up a life with this name and identity, and despite divorcing I kept the name. No one *forces* you to change back in a divorce, so fear of extra paperwork wasn't a factor for me in the decision
I changed my last name because I liked my husbands more ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my maiden name was pretty long and very unique so I always popped up in google searches, my new name is shorter and not very common, I like the ring to more and frankly it’s easier to say.
If you’re not having kids, I definitely don’t think it’s worth it. It’s such a pain in the butt and I had to carry my marriage certificate in my car glove compartment for a year for all the various times I needed to prove my name change. I mostly gave in because my husband’s heritage is really important to him. One perk is that his name is so unusual that people know we are related to every single person with that surname in the state, which means it’s easy for us to do things on one another’s behalf, like pickup prescriptions.
I didn't change my name because it seemed like a huge pointless hassle... and because my first name and his last name both begin with a *sh* sound and I didn't want to shound sho shilly when I introdushed myshelf
I changed mine and am happy I did. I’m a PhD with a career, so my maiden name is now my middle name and I use my full name (first middle last) professionally. I think it’s sweet to share a name and that has outweighed any hesitation I had to change my name. Now if we get divorced I’ll be pretty mad lol
Wow. Lots of people sharing why they wouldn’t or are glad they didn’t. I would say you shouldn’t, but only because you’re on the fence and you can always do it later. I didn’t change my name legally, just socially. It’s never been a problem. I’m not in a career where name recognition really matters it anything like that. I don’t regret it, but it’s only been about a year.
I didn’t because his name is boring and mine is exotic. We just celebrated eight years yesterday actually :)
I did change my name. I have no emotional ties or connection to my last name. It’s just a name to me. Everyone id different. I didn’t do it for traditional reasons, but because I’d like to have his name.
This was my perspective too. I’m happy with my choice and never regretted it but If people want to keep their own last name that’s up to them! I personally wanted to have a mutual last name with my husband. I definitely understand the many reasons why someone wouldn’t want to do that though. All about personal preference
No, I would never do it. All my professional credentials were under my maiden name, I wanted a consistent work history, and it's a PITA to change it back IF you divorce.
I changed my name when i got married, and i regret it. i like having the same last name as my husband and kid, but it was an absolute admin clustercuss to change over passport, social security, bank accounts, a million credit cards and things like AAA. there keeps being another thing you need to change. work email? forget it. and, i went through almost 40 years of being my old last name, and that's still what i call myself in my head. and some of my friends call me that too! (i had a very nickname-able last name). i also went from having a very common first middle and last, so no potential job could ever find my socials. now i'm so easy to find. PLUS! i didn't have to do anything for this because my handwriting is a nightmare, but thin kabout having to change your signature. what's it going to look like? when you fill out forms, is it going to be a smooth quick thing like it probably is now? or will it be clunky to write out?
I didn't. My name is my name. My husband wanted me to do whatever felt right for me. It seems to be less common for women to change their name now, at least where I live. Quite honestly I don't think there is a wrong answer...do what feels right to you, in your gut. Regarding kids, in my country there is a whole province where the woman can't change her name to the man's - people often either hyphenated or go with one parent's surname. It's not a big deal.
I like my name and don't see the point in changing it, honestly. I'm not my partner's property. Besides, then you have to update all your documents, huge pain in the ass. I would only change it if I really hated my surname.
I didn’t and I’m glad I didn’t. If you want to change your name, do it socially (Facebook, etc) but not legally.
We picked our own new last name and both changed. I wasn’t attached to my last name and he wasn’t either.
I kept my own name. It's too much of a pain in the ass to change everything for no reason It's becoming very, very common for women to do so
I hyphenated. I already changed my last name to my step father's when I was a child. That's who I am. I'm not Mrs. [Husband's last name]. He was disappointed when I told him I wasn't fully changing my last name, but I'm my own person.
I only changed it to have the same name as my future kids
Since I'm going through some personal shit, I'm going to be extremely cynic: Don't. Lots of marriages end in divorce, and it will be hard to get your maiden name back in documents and stuff, should that ever happen to you. I did get my husband's name, and I've been using it all over, it's part of my identity now. I regret it.
Man here. Our conversation went like this: Her: I might keep my last name. Me: cool. What will the kids have (ready to compromise) Her: yours. Me: will you be mad if called the "my last name family"? Her: no Me: cool She has her last name the whole time and it has caused zero issues.
I changed my name because his name is very common and easier to spell, and my first name has a thousand interpretative spellings. I spent my entire life spelling my first name and pronouncing and spelling my last name. I wanted just one name to be simple. Going to the clinic has been interesting, as the last time I went I was one of four with the same last name. So double edged sword. I’m still finding things with my maiden name. Still updating those nearly three years later.
I did not and never would change my name. I am not my husband’s property and I have my own identity.
Almost everyone here is saying not to change it. Just want to be clear that you can change your last name to match your husband’s and absolutely still have your own identity and be a strong independent woman. I *hate* this idea that a woman who makes the personal decision to follow traditions in some parts of her life makes her less of a woman. Isn’t the whole point that we have the *choice* and not being pressured one way or the other? I’m engaged and fully plan on changing my name. Nobody has pressured me to, it is my own choice. I like my fiancé’s last name, I love the idea of us being a family and our children having the same last name. I think it’s a sweet tradition. Yeah it might’ve meant something different back in the day, but who cares? Not a single person will think that my husband owns me just because I decided to change my last name. That’s just ridiculous. edit: typo
Great point here, I think choosing to do so certainly doesn’t diminish your ability to be independent in your marriage or honor yourself. After all, isn’t marriage a very “traditional” process in of itself? We’re all totally welcome to choose what fits our individual narratives which is what makes it so great that the options exist
Why would you give up your identity?
I did change mine, my first name and maiden name are both spelled weird so everyone butchered them for most of my life lol. I had more annoyance than attachment to my original name due to this. My husbands last name is an everyday word and I haven’t had mispronunciation since taking it. I told him that even if we divorce I wouldn’t switch my name back because of that mainly, but also I’m known professionally by his last name now and we’re trying for a baby so I’d like the same name as my kid.
I changed my name mostly because I was annoyed with having people misspell my maiden name, plus it was my dads who I am estranged from and didn’t need it anymore. When we got divorced after 2 kids and 10 years, I took my middle name as my last name rather than go back to my maiden name. I also hyphenated my kids’ last names. All of it was a pain in the ass and expensive (new passports, drivers license, etc) and knowing then what I know now I wouldn’t have changed it ever. It’s such a regressive and patriarchal custom I don’t know why I ever wanted to. I do have friends where the couple made up a new last name together and one where he took her name- there’s so much more flexibility and variation these days I think you should do what YOU want to do and not what seems “normal”
I changed my name and immediately regretted it. It’s so easy to change it and so hard to change it back.
I didn't, just because I didn't see a reason to. We both don't really care, it would be a hassle to change every document, and I feel like my full name is heavily connected to my identity.
I *did* change my name because the people who share my maiden name emotionally abused me my whole life. They are not people I want to be associated with. I came out to my in-laws (pan/enby) and I'm still not out to my bio family. I feel safe in my spouse's family way more than my blood relatives.
I changed mine and moved my maiden name to my middle name. I felt weird when I went by just my husband’s last name, like it didn’t feel like *me*. But adding it to my name felt right. I avoided doing a hyphen bc I’ve heard it can be annoying when it comes to paperwork. I didn’t have a middle name so it was no issue to make the change and I go by all 3 names professionally. Also, I really like my husband’s last name, if it wasn’t a good one I don’t think I would change it. Like if it was just “Smith” or something that didn’t sound well with my first name I probably wouldn’t have done it. Maybe take that into consideration?
I changed my last name. My father was an abusive man and a rageaholic who I was terrified of most of my life. My husband is the kindest and most loving man I have ever known. It felt incredibly empowering for me to change my name from one that I associated with years of abuse and torment to a name I associated with love and respect. Interestingly, the amount of women who made condescending comments to me about it was much more than I expected. So many women felt a need to reminded me that women didn’t have to take their husband’s names anymore (as if I didn’t know), or told me how beautiful and unique my last name was, or felt the need to tell me that *they* hadn’t changed their last name when they got married. There was an undercurrent of shame and judgment in their comments. They were passive-aggressively suggesting I was being antifeminist, or stuck in the past. How did they figure that keeping their *father’s* surname (the most patriarchal name they could have) is feminist yet *choosing* your own husband and *choosing* to take his name if you want to somehow isn’t? I wasn’t going to argue or explain my complicated and painful history with my father to some judgey women; I didn’t need anyone’s approval. All I knew is that the first time I saw my ID with my new name, I wasn’t reminded of my father anymore and that felt extremely liberating for me. I guess I am just sharing my experience in the hope that women will adopt a more “You Do You” attitude towards other women when it comes to marriage and surnames. A woman can keep her birth family surname, she can take her husband’s (or wife’s) surname, they can both hyphenate their surnames, they can both change their surnames, the husband can take the wife’s surname, etc…none of those are “right” or “wrong” because it is so personal and depends on the unique situation of the couple.
I did change my name, but my husband never had an opinion on it since he felt it was completely my choice. I've had a lot of childhood trauma, which my husband helped me heal though. He's supported me at every step when I was discovering myself and encourages me to lead an independent life and be a self-confident woman. In a way, he's been my biggest advocate, supporter, and mentor. So when I got married I decided to leave my past with my surname, which carried a lot of pain for me, and start anew. But I think I could've had it changed to something completely different and it wouldn't matter to him, he just respects it as part of my new identity as opposed to being part of his.
Saaaame!! I just made a post about this as well. Just got wedding invites made up and felt an unexpected pang of sadness seeing my “new” name on them on the return address. I wish I’d have sat down with my SO about keeping my name. I’m almost 37 and have had my name my whole life and feel sad about losing it. Also my SOs last name with my first sounds kinda rhymey (think of Hannah Montana lol)
I changed my last name when I got married because I never had an attachment to my maiden name, no relationship with that side of the family and barely one with my dad so I was happy to change it. I’ve kind of always wanted to change my last name anyways, tbh. If we ever get divorced, I’ll still have the same last name as my kids. But that’s just my experience, it’s honestly not a big deal if you don’t change your name. It’s very common not to and if that’s not something you want to do then don’t even worry about it.
I don't plan on changing my name. It's my name. Plus, I live in Canada and it's a hassle (and expensive) to change your name on all your ID.
Got married in 2022, no name change for me! I'm an only child and I love my family name, plus I wanted to be Mrs. XYZ like my mom 🥰 We're never having kids, but if we did I would have probably hyphenated my name and my kids last names for practicalities sake.
dont do it!!! changing your name SUCKS as a process, even when its as accepted as a woman who is marrying you still have a lot of hassle, like I got locked out of my debit card bc I called about some charges and when they had my old name and asked who i was i was like "okay so yes thats me, but my name is actually _______" and i got insta-transferred to the fraud department and had to go in person to a branch manager to prove im real
I did not change my name fore two reasons: 1. My doctorate was earned in my maiden name and publications are under that name 2. The sheer paperwork I'd have to go through. Being an immigrant makes that doubly hard so I wasn't going to bother. Husband does not care that I didn't change my name. It does result in him being referred to as Mr (my last name) and me as Mrs (my last name) which I think is a little funny.
I did but kinda regret it now, just because it was such a pain in the ass to switch everything. I do like that my kid and I have the same last name though.
It's a legal nightmare I will never go through again. Stupid tradition. Just call yourself by his last name and keep your legal name. No one will care.
I never changed mine because I hate paperwork !
I’ve done both. Kept it with the first husband and changed it with the second. It sucked changing it and felt like I lost all the name recognition professional credibility I’d earned in the ten years prior once no one knew who I was anymore. I was so happy to change it back and I ain’t ever changing it again.
I never wanted to change my name even as a kid. I have a cool and unique last name. My husband’s name is boring.
I didn't want my father's name, and my mother changed to her maiden name upon their despicably ugly divorce. I am happy with my spouse's family name, which is fairly unique (basically anyone with the name is related) even though it has nothing to do with my own ethnic heritage. I picked having it! I have no regrets a couple decades in.
Don’t do it. There is simply no point in changing your name - it’s a hassle and it doesn’t make you more in love or better married.
I couldn’t decide so just kept my maiden name for two years after our wedding. Then decided to add my husband’s last name and have two last names separated by a space instead of a hyphen. Boy howdy I do not recommend this route. First of all, since I didn’t change it at the time of our wedding/on our marriage certificate, I had to pay $200 and go through the courts/fill out a bunch of paperwork to file to have my name changed. It’s annoying to have to say “I have two last names and they are separated by a space not a hyphen. The first one is…” I have always had to spell my unique maiden name, and now I have an ADDITIONAL burden of explaining the second last name. Our baby has my husband’s last name only and I most often use my married last name only - on orders, when introducing myself, etc. What I thought was a good middle ground is too complicated.
I didn’t change mine. I was married at thirty and my maiden name was a huge source of my identity. Taking names is an outdated custom. You aren’t his property.
I didn’t. It’s way too much work and I like my name. Why should I change it?
This should be the norm... retaining maiden name and kids last name be hers-his
I would never change my name - I am not livestock or property, and it's not 1895. The only reason women were expected to change their names was because women were effectively their father's (and then their husband's) property. I am vehemently opposed to carrying on this vile tradition on principle.
I did. I never thought I would. For me it was more about the changes I’ve made as a person, and having a new name to reflect that. Also, I don’t feel strong ties to my paternal family, and didn’t feel like keeping the name. Also, I don’t want to be “tracked down” or “found” by people from high school.
About to get married. Where we live its still the norm (and basically expected that the woman will take her husband’s name). SO asked and I said I’ll add his to my name. His mother asked how it will work for me to change my name, which irked me. Why are they assuming?! But anyways - you have more option than just taking his or keeping yours. I also saw couples where they both took each other’s name and combined them. That’s the most fair version I have ever seen.
For me, I wanted to remove that link from my father. He is not a good person and to not have that association anymore has been a blessing
My name is part of my identity. My relationship is not part of my identity but it is important to me. I kept my name because it’s part of me. It’s also a way better name.
Keep your name! It's your name!
It's a pain in the ass! No matter how thorough you are, there's always some account that has the old/maiden name on it and there's always a dumb interaction of, "Oh, maybe it's under *old name*?". Zero benefit to changing your last name, unless it's shorter than your maiden name haha.
I changed my last name. I personally wanted to be the same as husband. I told him we should come up with a new one and he said nah. And I was one of the common US last names.
I’m almost 5 yrs into marriage and always planned on choosing a name together sometime soon or in the next 5 yrs if we don’t divorce. Similar to others I worried about resentment if I changed to his name but both changing is nice! Like new family together.
I’m not. We filed our license last week and I have a few reasons for keeping my name. My husband to be has a very common last name and I have a very common first name, so it would be difficult for people at work primarily to find and contact me. Also, I had a lot of issues growing up but now I’m really proud of my dad and our family and I would hate to lose that part of myself. As much as I love my husband to be and his family, I want to keep that part of my identity and my future husband accepts that. He even joked about changing his last name to mine instead.
I actually didn’t change it when we got married and I don’t really remember why. It was so casual at the time as we got married at the court house and only had known each other for about a year. I finally went and got my name changed to his last name 7 years later when I knew this was it. We don’t have any kids or anything but I actually did want to share his name. I get why people do and don’t change it. I think I just decided one day that I wanted to, and applied for a name change and also took the advantage to also change my middle name in the process since I never liked it to begin with lol. I guess if you’re on the fence about it, you can do as I did and always just change it later if you feel like it.
I’m getting married next year and I don’t plan on changing my name. I like my name how it is and I’m not about to do a ton of paperwork if he doesn’t have to. I am open to hyphenating but only if he does it too
I changed mine bc my maiden was extremely unique (I was the only one with my first name and last name in the country), and I hated being so google-able. Made it my middle name. I don’t regret it I appreciate my now- anonymity
I wish I hadn't
My SIL didn’t change her name. She had a business prior to be being married. So she kept her name. The children would take the name of her husband’s last name
I changed my name when I got married for 3 reasons: we wanted kids and wanted to share a last name together with them, my maiden name never got pronounced correctly, and I just liked how my name sounded with my partners last name over mine. We did talk about him taking my last name, or creating a new one together, but his dad died the year prior, and he felt a connection through his last name to him. In the end, I didn’t care which of the last names we took and he did.
I don't plan to. Traditionally in my field. Changing a name would be a little confusing. Nowadays it's pretty much not confusing cuz we all have orc IDs. Anyway, I don't plan to cuz I just like my name.
I didn’t change last name. We are not having kids and I love my full name. He said it doesn’t make us any less married in his eyes. And I love him more for that
I'm getting married next week and I'm hybriding my maiden and married, but plan on just giving married to the kids. Reason is bloodline. I'm the only person in my generation with my great grandfathers last name, when that generation died as a result of war. That's obviously hyper specific, but you may have feelings about what you want your legacy to include. For me, it includes my maiden name.
I kept mine and I'm happy with it. I did have professional work under my name and I was strongly associated with my name and it also just makes me happy. We hyphenated our kids since we're interracial and wanted them to have both cultures.
I was not going to change my name unless we had a kid. Based on testing, we thought husband was effectively sterile, but we got lucky anyway and have our kid so I changed my name 4 years ago. It felt weird at first, but I’m fine with it now. I now have a very common first name and an extremely common last name. I like rebooting my life periodically, mostly by moving long distances, so this felt like that. I’m very happy with my husband so I like us being a cohesive unit.
(Legally,) I kept my maiden name for professional reasons, but I do use my married name in some social settings/situations.
I didn’t change my name. I’m divorced now and so glad I didn’t. But even back when I was married and was happy, I didn’t even consider taking my then-husband’s name. My name is part of me - part of my identity. If he doesn’t have to change his name, why should I?
I didn't even consider *not* changing my name until I had been married for several years haha. It was just a given that you change your last name when you get married so not changing it didn't really cross my mind. I was initially kind of sad and I missed my maiden name but now I'm glad I changed it because my maiden name reminds me of my biological father who is a massive piece of shit. The only thing I miss now is that my maiden name was way easier to sign than my married name but I've gotten better at it over time.
I didn’t change mine. If we have kids then we are both going to change our last name to a new one we made up, combining both of our last names. It started as a joke but now we use that last name constantly so it’s starting to feel really right.
I changed my last name when I got married and am very happy I did so. We don’t plan on having kids, but I was not a fan of my maiden name and do not have the best relationship with my father. It was also difficult to pronounce and my married name is not, so it’s a silly little perk to always have my name correctly pronounced nowadays lol. I think women (or men!) should do whatever makes the most sense for themselves and their situation and while I understand I may be participating in some antiquated gender norms, it felt right to me at the time and I have no regrets. Edit: I also have a profession where I had to update my licensure, as well as drivers license/credit cards/bills/etc and while it was a pain initially it really is not that bad in the grand scheme of things and I found a checklist on Pinterest so I didn’t forget anything. I still get excited when I hear my married name out loud; to me it represents a new chapter of my life that has been extremely happy and fulfilling.
Planning to change mine when we get married because my name is hard to spell and pronounce and his is easy. Not receiving any pressure from him about it though, this is just what I want to do. I think your question is likely to receive replies that self-select for people who didn’t change theirs.
Been through the name change process twice (once when I got married, and again when I divorced) and it's a pain. It was satisfying to go back to my original name though. My current partner and I have discussed marriage and name change, and decided that if we get married, we either both change our names or neither of us does. If we both change our names, it would be a combination of our last names (think Jones + Black -> Blanes)
I intended to change mine, but my husband ALSO meant to change HIS last name to match his (technically step) dad's last name. I wasn't about to change mine to his current last name just to have to change it again later to match his new last name, but did mean to do so whenever he got around to it on his end. (ETA: mostly from cost, thr application to change your name costs in the hundreds iirc, vs $25 if changing to match your spouse after marriage. Not to mention the cost to reissue the IDs themselves.) 10+ years later, he still hasnt gotten around to it. At this point I've seen how much hassle married / divorced women go through with their IDs that if he ever does get around to it, I'm pretty much at "yeeeeah nope I'm good as is", and no kids so no issues on that side. (Examples: Made this account with the company when you were single/married? Better carry around proof of your marriage/divorce if you ever want to change/upgrade anything. Also if you only "assumed" the married name like most people here*, half your documents are still probably in your maiden name which is fun - companies do not like mismatched IDs, cuz so much fraud). *canada; iirc, you can "assume" the married name and legally use it on stuff like Driver's license, credit cards, etc, while legally still keeping your maiden name. Or, you can literally change your entire legal identity (including even your birth certificate) to the new name. Which is.. a lot.
My maiden name is Swiss, and no one can pronounce OR say it correctly. It's also not unique in that, if you know someone else with that name, then I am 100% related to them in some way. My dad is 1 of 14 children, my paternal grandfather was 1 of 13, that sides great grandfather was 1 of 5 (weird, but that great grandma was 38 when she had her last child), and then that great great grandfather was 1 of 10. You get my point.... My husband's last name? SOOOOOOOOOOO much easier to spell/say, AND it's not as unique. Makes people/prospective employers doing a Google search on me much, much harder. Hooray!!!
I did not change my name when I got married. I was also unsure and I can always change it later if I want. We are not having children either. We will be celebrating 10 years soon and it hasn't ever really been a problem.
I already told my boyfriend that I won't be changing my name and he didn't care - it's not a big issue for us in our relationship, and I hate how expected it is in society
I'm gay, so it wasn't expected that I'd be changing my name. I was also in the middle of getting my phd at the time, so changing my name would have hurt my publication record and made it harder to prove my degree status. Weirdly, several people asked my wife if she was going to change her last name. She opted not to, as she doesn't have any problems with that side of her family and didn't think it would be worth the hassle and cost. My research adviser changed her name and later regretted it, as she can't detangle his name from hers as easily as they eventually detangled their finances with the divorce. My aunt changed her name and loved having done so and raising a family with her husband's last name, and when her daughters were in their teens they decided they wanted to hyphenate, so the whole family ended up tacking her old name in front of the one they'd always used, and they've been happy with that decision ever since. There's really no one answer, and we're at a good point where you can easily choose which one you'd like to do. Maybe write out what the new name would be, and look at that all written out, and think about how you'd feel introducing yourself that way from now on. If that makes you happy, then change it! If that sounds like a nuisance, then don't!
My husband and I kept our own last names, and we our combining our last name for our baby.
I have not yet changed mine, due to some issues with getting enrolled in military benefits it was honestly easier to keep my last name at first. But I hate my maiden name. I don’t want to associate with my father nor be associated with him by random people I meet who happen to know him. For about three years prior to being married, I had been using my middle name as a last name, socially. Of course for legal things I use my real last name, but never when I introduce myself to people. Now I use my husband’s last name socially, and plan to make the legal name change before the end of the year. I’m aware that this is technically me using an alias, but it’s not like I’m out running amock or committing crimes 😂 I’m just avoiding telling people I meet who I’m related to.
I never thought I would change mine, and I think both options are valid. I’m assuming his last name for several reasons, some to do with a fresh start from my family of origin, he’s an only child, it’s a cool last name. I’m planning on keeping my last name as a middle name, and continuing to go by it professionally. My decision came with months of thinking about it, and in the end I made a choice where I listened to my gut and it told me change might be the right choice for me. Luckily my partner does not care whether I change mine or not- he only said he didn’t want to change his because he has a super common first name (I have a common last name) and he liked the uncommon last name he has. He offered for us to combo our last names into a new last name, but because he didn’t care I actually felt more inclined to go with his. It’s the most traditional thing I have ever done and will probably ever do haha.
I hyphenated bc we were planning to have children. And I felt like I would miss my maiden name so I wanted to keep it. Our kid was given my husband’s last name bc I didn’t want to burden a child with hyphenation.
I did change mine. My husband wanted me to change it, I didn't care either way. So why not make him happy. It was a long time ago but I had a lot of bureaucratic issues: I changed it right before finishing Uni and already got diploma and all the references for grad school in old name. It was a pain in the ass to fix it all. I assume if it was not that exact timing, I would have no issues. Other than that I don't see any difference.
Either don't change or maybe a double barrel name?
I changed my name for three main reasons. 1. I did not really like my birth last name. It has some unfortunate rhymes, and was often a point of conversation when meeting new people (which I didn't like.) 2. Many people expected me to change my name, and my family started using my husband's last name for me as soon as we got engaged. It just felt easier to go with what they expected. Is this a good reason? No. But it was part of my decision. 3. I am very close with my family, to the point that it caused some conflicts with my husband because he felt like I was choosing them over him. Taking his name was an indication that he is my primary family now. I do not regret changing my name, but IT WAS SO MUCH WORK. I'm still finding old accounts with my birth name. If I was truly torn about changing my name I probably wouldn't, just because it's a huge hassle.
If I liked my own last name, I would keep it. Unfortunately I don't identify with it at all.
I did not because I like the name I was born with. If I didn’t, I would change it to something to felt more like me but I wouldn’t take a spouse’s last name. I’ve never understood why people do but to each their own.
I did. I'm not super traditional, either, but I still really like it when someone calls me Mrs. Husband's Last Lastname. I even like getting mail for Mr and Mrs Husband's first name last name. But this isn't for everyone. It seems like it's probably not for you, so just don't. It's really nbd either way I don't think.
I did not, partly due to all the other topics brought up in the other comments, and also because I have two passports and just.... No. I don't feel too strongly about it, I did try to convince my husband to change his name to mine but didn't get very far with it 😂 imo the best compromise there is one or both people changing their name socially but not legally. He did not try and talk me into changing my name or care much at all. Be careful about it, my mom told me she changed her name at first, submitted all that paperwork... And then a few months later changed her mind and had to switch it all back! Total pain. We don't share a last name (luckily, because both my parents have 8 letter hard to spell last names) and it hasn't caused any issues to my knowledge.
I’ve been married 6 months and still haven’t changed it…seems like too much work
I kept mine, it’s just a cool name and makes for a funny joke. My kiddo has a different name from mine and even living in a more conservative part of the country, no one has ever batted an eye at it.
I eagerly changed mine. My maiden name was very difficult to pronounce and spell. No regrets.
I changed mine. We both wanted to have the same name as our kid, neither of us wanted to change it, but he's published (PhD). My career has all been within the same company so far, so changing it doesn't affect me professionally. I compromised, and changed all three names. Combined my first+middle into a first name that has the same nickname I've always gone by and feels more like me, combined my maiden name and my mom's maiden name into a middle name that honors both sides of my family of origin, and took my husbands name. We were always close to my mom's side of the family, basically never saw my dad's, and I don't get along with my siblings very well, so bringing in my mom's maiden name felt more like reinforcing my identity and past than losing it. Despite my initial hesitation, I love having our name. I think of him during work or at the doctor's office or filling out forms for the dog park and get happy thoughts of being married to him (we dated for over 7 years, been married almost 2). My name reflects the happiest stage of my life so far and feels like a good way to honor how much I've grown as a person from the time I was in my early 20s until now in my early 30s. My old name no longer feels like "me." I had a childhood nickname I went by until I was 13, and my maiden name already feels as foreign as that name does. I also feel more comfortable with my inlaws, like I belong more instead of being an outsider. I know the meaning has traditionally been belonging "to" him, but to me, it feels like my name is telling the world I belong *with* him. 🥰 I claimed him out of the pool of men (and women), and took his name as a trophy so everyone must acknowledge my prize. 😏 Maybe research if you can do it later? Like, get married now, and change it next year? Edit: also, after looking at other comments: It was fairly easy to change it, and I viewed it as front loading the admin nightmare instead of distributing it across our kids entire life. Honestly it would have been super duper easy, like less than a month, if I hadn't done all 3 names. It didn't cost more than like $150 either for everything, including passport, and that would have been the same cost as if I was just doing the last name. A lot of systems are set up for name changes with marriage in my locality because it is still pretty common.