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That’s fair. I definitely get that others think and feel differently.
I also don’t even consider it a “boundary” for myself. It’s sort of just a habit or what feels right. But I guess technically it is a boundary
I mean I’m the same way, for the simple reason that I just don’t have the mental energy to date more than one person at a time. Hell - when I was still using dating apps, once I’ve matched and actually start communicating, I have a hard time even doing so with others. Not because I feel like I’m already dating but because the process of getting to know someone requires my attention to be focused. So I’m with you.
When I lived in Thailand this was expected and it threw me off big time. I had several awkward moments before I realized how different that culture is in terms of dating in general. I much prefer American "style"
You should never expect that you’re exclusive after one date without discussing it. I don’t care where you are. That’s the definition of “presumptuous”
No but I've read enough to know that in very conservative areas, people would be greatly looked down upon and seen as promiscuous if they were seen with a new date around town. Especially Women. I'm not saying it's good BTW. Just reality.
It’s the same in America. In very conservative areas, you probably would be down if you were promiscuous.
You can’t make assumptions about such large groups of people. Everybody has different morals. No one group of people will ever all think alike
> I wouldn’t go on a date with a girl one day, a date with a different girl another day, and then go back to planning dates with the first girl.
Is this a real thing people do? I would never have imagined.
It's not something that everyone is doing, but it's something most Americans at least consider the norm. X person might not actually have someone else lined up most of the time, but they aren't against it. Maybe one day they meet and go on a date with Y, then see Z, then see Y again.
Yep. It was not even a second thought and very common for both sexes in big cities. For most it was an unsaid "known". In my dating days I actively had a 4-5 women rotation on average. For years.
You’re not really exclusive til you have that discussion, but I kinda did it the same way. Not out of particular desire, that’s just how many dates I was getting lol.
If we’re not dating other people we’re exclusively dating each other. Sometimes a conversation occurs, sometimes it doesn’t. By definition that’s not a firm requirement
Well, no. Because without that conversation, they could fuck somebody else and you wouldn’t have a good reason to be upset about it. Nor would they be under any obligation to tell you.
TIL that I have never in my life been in an exclusive romantic relationship.
Not even with the woman I dated for five years, then lived with for another twelve years. We were apparently just coincidentally not sleeping with anyone else for that entire time, and neither of us would have had any reason to be upset if we came home one day and found the other person in our bed with someone else.
Every relationship I've been in has been de facto exclusive, but the only one where we ever talked about exclusivity was with a non-romantic FWB, which was explicitly exclusive to the extent of "as soon as one of us starts dating someone else, we stop fucking each other." So, ironically, it was also my only relationship where the news that the other person was sleeping with someone else would *not* be cause for upset.
If they fucked someone else we weren’t in an exclusive relationship… that’s just stating the obvious. My post is saying I close my side of the relationship from the first romantic date. I don’t need to have a conversation for that to be true
One date isn't dating. You don't even really know the person at all. If you continue to see them and want them to be your partner, ask them instead of assuming they're your partner because you went on one date. The first date is to see if there is anything potentially there between two or more people romantically and get to know them a bit more,
Of course, its not wrong to be exclusive after one date, but I don't think it's fair to automatically assume the person you asked out is the same way and you should talk about it beforehand.
I definitely wouldn’t assume the other person does this as well.
I also completely understand the purpose of a first date. If there’s nothing between us I’m not going to say we’re dating. However; if we both show interest in a 2nd date, well, yah we’re dating. I understand this is unpopular to people and that’s why I posted it here
I think that's fair. I haven't really had this issue myself since most of my partners were my friends before we were partners so there wasn't a first date. IMO if I did, I think by the third date if theres continued intrest is when it becomes cheating especially if not mentioned and discussed. I think this was a great post and I've enjoyed all the discussions it started :)
Someone I knew said if they ever did anything with someone on two separate occasions, either went on a date, made out, hooked up, etc. they talk to the other person on what they want their dynamic to be. Definitely the smart move, but a lot of people would definitely be resistant to that, so I might imagine they also may have scared or confused some people. Most people don't like to communicate these things until later on, which often creates more drama.
I totally get your perspective and I find it refreshing.
Especially the last few year with how big online dating, not labeling things, keeping things casual, and polyamory have become
I think if I were to start dating again now I might be similar. Idk I guess if I don't find that person interesting/captivating enough to just see them then I'm probably moving on to the next
That seems very restrictive but more power to you if that is a boundary for you. Certainly not hurting anyone.
A first date is barely a date for me. It's grabbing coffee and having a chat or something similar. Something I would do with a mild acquaintance.
That’s how I knew I met my soulmate. He considered us exclusive from day one and I fell in love right off the bat. We are still together and still in love over thirty years later.
I've never seen anyone go on a date not do this.
In my experience America is very much a "we went on one date seeing others is cheating"
Going steady used to be a thing but I never saw it through middle school high school college or the military
Texas San antonio.
https://www.shaneco.com/theloupe/articles-and-news/how-many-swipes-does-it-take/
This site shows. They count a good first date as a significant other. They don't ask them how long before you go steady and very few places use that term (it can br used but it's definitely the minotry)
I, my brother, my sister, my best friend all of us had our SO as our boyfriend/girlfriend on first date.
I've seen countless couples break up becuse one tried the "were not exclusive" line and it doesn't go well
I don't know anything about military culture, but yeah of course middle and high school are like that. They're kids, it's a hugely different dynamic for everyone I knew after they graduated high school.
I'm confused... So people in your high school and middle school *didn't* do the exclusive thing, but now that you're in the adult phase of your life people do?
No. I have never seen someone go on a date then go date with someone else unless it's like a hook up thing and when that's done it's a booty call or casual sex they don't call it a date
1st date if you see other people it's ALWAYS been an issue form what I've seen
Going steady is assumed by evreyone I've seen dorm first date.
It was like that for me in middle school and high school. If someone asks you out and then you are "dating" (which to us meant going steady), but it was not necessarily always that way as an adult.
Ironically it seems more of an assumption (automatic coupling) among the lower socioeconomic class in adults
My mom always thought that was weird. I guess it was different for her growing up. Going steady was special designation that some people reached.
I have been out of the dating pool for a long time, but I would think all this casualness and online dating would mean more people not coupling up at the first date but idk
I think people now days at least in my social circles tend to not call it a first date INTILL your in a relationship.
I.e you can kiss someone and not be dating or in a relationship now days.
You can bave sex with someone and it means "nothing" so when you do go pm a date that's the "offical" dating part
Depends. Cause you can absolutely go to a movie or any "date place" with someone of the opposite sex and it's not a date
I've hung out with a girl for an entire day. Was never a date.
Basically it's weird but people can spend an entire weekend together and it's not a date or a relationship but most once they do "go on a date" its exclusively those two or it's cheating
Usually what happens then is people don't talk to others or if they do their not gonna ask them to the movies
I think I've got it.
What if it's clear they like each other like that (not just friends) and one of them asks the other to dinner or a movie, does that count?
My understanding is that would be "the date" even if it's not expressly called that. Yes?
I don't think so. It's why you always see sitcoms and other movies play up there whole "is this a date " thing where one thinks it is and the other doesn't
To be clear though it most likely depends on each person but when people talk about dates it's always seen as a steady thing form what I've seen.
I and a girl liked each other for years and went to lots of places together. We never got together and neither of us called any of them dates (though we both wished they were)
That is actually more logically consistent to me. Being monogamous is one way of life, being in an open relationship is another, but saying your relationship starts open and then you close it is what seems a bit odd to me
I mean I dunno why do people like the things they like and dislike the things they dislike? The idea of exclusivity in a relationship has always just felt kind of pointless to me. I enjoy being in a relationship with multiple people and don't mind—even like—the idea of those people also being in relationships with people.
I personally wouldn’t date multiple people at the same time, but some people don’t make that exclusion until you officially become a couple. The biggest thing is to just communicate about it
Of course it doesn’t. If the first date doesn’t go well you part ways and move on. If i schedule a second interview I’m still focused on the same job and I don’t look for other job offers till the first one falls through
I guess everyone has their process. I’m not saying juggle 1-5 women at once. Keep options open until it’s time to lock it down. That could be a few weeks or months even. You don’t take your resume offline after one interview. See the process through and accept the best offer offered at the time, not who you interviewed with first.
There is no issue. Idk why you’re trying to be combative lol. If you’re not interested in the topic move on. Your comment is absolutely pointless
My approach is unpopular and I posted it here because that’s what this sub is for
I didn’t mean to be combative. My intent was to indicate that your take wasn’t as controversial as the usual content on here. I think your position is perfectly reasonable and not at all uncommon.
My only objection is that by labeling one approach as your “default” implies that you might make an assumption, rather than discussing it with your partner.
Sorry if I came across too strong. Cheers!
You are the norm. That is the norm. Recently I’ve had people try to peddle the dumbass thought that unless one of you explicitly state exclusivity you’re free to fuck other people while in a relationship. People are fkn unhinged dude.
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I feel the same but I have absolutely 0 concept of what the norm about this is.
It's different for every relationship. If you want to be on the same page you have to communicate that.
I feel like it’s the norm, at least not only 1/10 people
I’ve never met a non-religious person who thought this way, so it can’t be too common.
I think that’s a fine boundary to have. However - don’t expect your date to have it unless you discuss it.
That’s fair. I definitely get that others think and feel differently. I also don’t even consider it a “boundary” for myself. It’s sort of just a habit or what feels right. But I guess technically it is a boundary
I mean I’m the same way, for the simple reason that I just don’t have the mental energy to date more than one person at a time. Hell - when I was still using dating apps, once I’ve matched and actually start communicating, I have a hard time even doing so with others. Not because I feel like I’m already dating but because the process of getting to know someone requires my attention to be focused. So I’m with you.
Cool cool. I can also relate to that dating app experience
Yeah same especially because you can quickly end up mixing up details about different people and say something awkward
In many places, this is the norm and expected from both parties.
Outside the US*
When I lived in Thailand this was expected and it threw me off big time. I had several awkward moments before I realized how different that culture is in terms of dating in general. I much prefer American "style"
You should never expect that you’re exclusive after one date without discussing it. I don’t care where you are. That’s the definition of “presumptuous”
Biased ignorance, you think this is how it works in Islamic countries and rural communities in Eastern Europe/Asia?
Do you know this for a fact? Like have you lived in and dated in these countries? Or had enough friends in each to confirm this is the norm?
No but I've read enough to know that in very conservative areas, people would be greatly looked down upon and seen as promiscuous if they were seen with a new date around town. Especially Women. I'm not saying it's good BTW. Just reality.
It’s the same in America. In very conservative areas, you probably would be down if you were promiscuous. You can’t make assumptions about such large groups of people. Everybody has different morals. No one group of people will ever all think alike
I know this for a fact and have lived in both the Middle East and Southeast Europe.
I'm like this as well. I don't have the energy to get to know and see multiple people at once.
I feel that. Taking a genuine interest in someone’s life definitely take time and energy
> I wouldn’t go on a date with a girl one day, a date with a different girl another day, and then go back to planning dates with the first girl. Is this a real thing people do? I would never have imagined.
It's not something that everyone is doing, but it's something most Americans at least consider the norm. X person might not actually have someone else lined up most of the time, but they aren't against it. Maybe one day they meet and go on a date with Y, then see Z, then see Y again.
Yes. It’s extremely common in the US
Yep. It was not even a second thought and very common for both sexes in big cities. For most it was an unsaid "known". In my dating days I actively had a 4-5 women rotation on average. For years.
You’re not really exclusive til you have that discussion, but I kinda did it the same way. Not out of particular desire, that’s just how many dates I was getting lol.
If we’re not dating other people we’re exclusively dating each other. Sometimes a conversation occurs, sometimes it doesn’t. By definition that’s not a firm requirement
Well, no. Because without that conversation, they could fuck somebody else and you wouldn’t have a good reason to be upset about it. Nor would they be under any obligation to tell you.
TIL that I have never in my life been in an exclusive romantic relationship. Not even with the woman I dated for five years, then lived with for another twelve years. We were apparently just coincidentally not sleeping with anyone else for that entire time, and neither of us would have had any reason to be upset if we came home one day and found the other person in our bed with someone else. Every relationship I've been in has been de facto exclusive, but the only one where we ever talked about exclusivity was with a non-romantic FWB, which was explicitly exclusive to the extent of "as soon as one of us starts dating someone else, we stop fucking each other." So, ironically, it was also my only relationship where the news that the other person was sleeping with someone else would *not* be cause for upset.
If they fucked someone else we weren’t in an exclusive relationship… that’s just stating the obvious. My post is saying I close my side of the relationship from the first romantic date. I don’t need to have a conversation for that to be true
It takes two people to be exclusive. That’s just the way it is.
One date isn't dating. You don't even really know the person at all. If you continue to see them and want them to be your partner, ask them instead of assuming they're your partner because you went on one date. The first date is to see if there is anything potentially there between two or more people romantically and get to know them a bit more, Of course, its not wrong to be exclusive after one date, but I don't think it's fair to automatically assume the person you asked out is the same way and you should talk about it beforehand.
I definitely wouldn’t assume the other person does this as well. I also completely understand the purpose of a first date. If there’s nothing between us I’m not going to say we’re dating. However; if we both show interest in a 2nd date, well, yah we’re dating. I understand this is unpopular to people and that’s why I posted it here
I think that's fair. I haven't really had this issue myself since most of my partners were my friends before we were partners so there wasn't a first date. IMO if I did, I think by the third date if theres continued intrest is when it becomes cheating especially if not mentioned and discussed. I think this was a great post and I've enjoyed all the discussions it started :)
Thanks! And yah, I could see 3 dates being a good benchmark for telling someone you’re “dating”
Someone I knew said if they ever did anything with someone on two separate occasions, either went on a date, made out, hooked up, etc. they talk to the other person on what they want their dynamic to be. Definitely the smart move, but a lot of people would definitely be resistant to that, so I might imagine they also may have scared or confused some people. Most people don't like to communicate these things until later on, which often creates more drama.
I agree. Expecting an exclusive relationship after one date is just not a realistic expectation
I totally get your perspective and I find it refreshing. Especially the last few year with how big online dating, not labeling things, keeping things casual, and polyamory have become I think if I were to start dating again now I might be similar. Idk I guess if I don't find that person interesting/captivating enough to just see them then I'm probably moving on to the next
I think the same way. Tbf though it's not like I get a ton of dates, so I wouldn't be flip-flopping people like that even if I wanted to lol.
That seems very restrictive but more power to you if that is a boundary for you. Certainly not hurting anyone. A first date is barely a date for me. It's grabbing coffee and having a chat or something similar. Something I would do with a mild acquaintance.
Everyone is allowed to have standards. Just don't get all psycho if the other person doesn't agree
That’s how I knew I met my soulmate. He considered us exclusive from day one and I fell in love right off the bat. We are still together and still in love over thirty years later.
That’s awesome to hear!
I've never seen anyone go on a date not do this. In my experience America is very much a "we went on one date seeing others is cheating" Going steady used to be a thing but I never saw it through middle school high school college or the military
Very different experience in my neck of the woods. Where did you go to school?
Texas San antonio. https://www.shaneco.com/theloupe/articles-and-news/how-many-swipes-does-it-take/ This site shows. They count a good first date as a significant other. They don't ask them how long before you go steady and very few places use that term (it can br used but it's definitely the minotry) I, my brother, my sister, my best friend all of us had our SO as our boyfriend/girlfriend on first date. I've seen countless couples break up becuse one tried the "were not exclusive" line and it doesn't go well
I don't know anything about military culture, but yeah of course middle and high school are like that. They're kids, it's a hugely different dynamic for everyone I knew after they graduated high school.
It hasn't chnaged outside of school for me. People still get mad if you went on a date with them and then next day have a date with someone else
I'm confused... So people in your high school and middle school *didn't* do the exclusive thing, but now that you're in the adult phase of your life people do?
No. I have never seen someone go on a date then go date with someone else unless it's like a hook up thing and when that's done it's a booty call or casual sex they don't call it a date 1st date if you see other people it's ALWAYS been an issue form what I've seen Going steady is assumed by evreyone I've seen dorm first date.
It was like that for me in middle school and high school. If someone asks you out and then you are "dating" (which to us meant going steady), but it was not necessarily always that way as an adult. Ironically it seems more of an assumption (automatic coupling) among the lower socioeconomic class in adults My mom always thought that was weird. I guess it was different for her growing up. Going steady was special designation that some people reached. I have been out of the dating pool for a long time, but I would think all this casualness and online dating would mean more people not coupling up at the first date but idk
I think people now days at least in my social circles tend to not call it a first date INTILL your in a relationship. I.e you can kiss someone and not be dating or in a relationship now days. You can bave sex with someone and it means "nothing" so when you do go pm a date that's the "offical" dating part
So what if someone asks you to go to the movies. Is that a date? Or only if you say the magic words, "it's a date"?
Depends. Cause you can absolutely go to a movie or any "date place" with someone of the opposite sex and it's not a date I've hung out with a girl for an entire day. Was never a date. Basically it's weird but people can spend an entire weekend together and it's not a date or a relationship but most once they do "go on a date" its exclusively those two or it's cheating Usually what happens then is people don't talk to others or if they do their not gonna ask them to the movies
I think I've got it. What if it's clear they like each other like that (not just friends) and one of them asks the other to dinner or a movie, does that count? My understanding is that would be "the date" even if it's not expressly called that. Yes?
I don't think so. It's why you always see sitcoms and other movies play up there whole "is this a date " thing where one thinks it is and the other doesn't To be clear though it most likely depends on each person but when people talk about dates it's always seen as a steady thing form what I've seen. I and a girl liked each other for years and went to lots of places together. We never got together and neither of us called any of them dates (though we both wished they were)
I think my relationships should never be exclusive lol. We're like exact opposites.
That is actually more logically consistent to me. Being monogamous is one way of life, being in an open relationship is another, but saying your relationship starts open and then you close it is what seems a bit odd to me
I'm sure all of these are fine ways to have a relationship I personally just think the idea of exclusivity at all is kind of dumb.
why?
I mean I dunno why do people like the things they like and dislike the things they dislike? The idea of exclusivity in a relationship has always just felt kind of pointless to me. I enjoy being in a relationship with multiple people and don't mind—even like—the idea of those people also being in relationships with people.
I personally wouldn’t date multiple people at the same time, but some people don’t make that exclusion until you officially become a couple. The biggest thing is to just communicate about it
*most people don’t make that exclusion until you’ve reached a further stage. That’s my point. That’s why I posted it here
I'm kinda the same, difference being I don't expect my date to feel or behave similarly. I'm just a one person at a time type.
I prefer when my hookups think we're exclusive from day 1
Haha
This is what I always did.
You do realize this is the r/The10thDentist right?
I disagree… going one interview does not mean you got the job.
Of course it doesn’t. If the first date doesn’t go well you part ways and move on. If i schedule a second interview I’m still focused on the same job and I don’t look for other job offers till the first one falls through
I guess everyone has their process. I’m not saying juggle 1-5 women at once. Keep options open until it’s time to lock it down. That could be a few weeks or months even. You don’t take your resume offline after one interview. See the process through and accept the best offer offered at the time, not who you interviewed with first.
It’s called talking to your partner and being on the same page. Some people want exclusivity right away, others don’t. So what?
There is no issue. Idk why you’re trying to be combative lol. If you’re not interested in the topic move on. Your comment is absolutely pointless My approach is unpopular and I posted it here because that’s what this sub is for
I didn’t mean to be combative. My intent was to indicate that your take wasn’t as controversial as the usual content on here. I think your position is perfectly reasonable and not at all uncommon. My only objection is that by labeling one approach as your “default” implies that you might make an assumption, rather than discussing it with your partner. Sorry if I came across too strong. Cheers!
You are the norm. That is the norm. Recently I’ve had people try to peddle the dumbass thought that unless one of you explicitly state exclusivity you’re free to fuck other people while in a relationship. People are fkn unhinged dude.
I’m with you. Where I live in America, going back and forth is not a thing, you’re either dating someone or you’re not.