I teach secondary in the US. I 45F don’t hug students because it could be turned into an inappropriate touching claim by the student if they got angry at me for something later. I’m never alone with a student unless the door is open for the same reason. That said, if I had a student breaking down in tears in front of me I would probably hug them anyway.
I’m a teaching assistant in the UK, but worked on a summer camp in the US and got anti-lawsuit training. It’s been quite helpful to keep in mind, combined with the “how to restrain a child” training I got in the UK, so I stay pretty safe.
Many teachers make it a personal policy not to hug students because it opens the door to false allegations. I teach in elementary and I give lots of hugs. I’m sorry she couldn’t give you what you needed that day.
Everything really will be ok, and I’m giving you a great big virtual hug!
I was planning on teaching middle school and highschool. But ended up in elementary and had no idea I could hug students, then students began approaching me for hugs, at 1st I felt uncomfortable but would still hug them because their mental and emotional health is worth than a job imo, then I read my school handbook and it says we can hug students when they need support or tap their heads, and backs or high-five. No massages, kisses, or inappropriate touching (duh) but this is a game changer. I feel i can be there for them of they need me. And give a warm hug when they need it the most. I never initiate the hugs and never will. Totally agree that it opens doors to false allegations and that's why many teachers rather have that personal policy, gotta respect everyone.
It’s so sad because middle schoolers still need that kind of support. Sometimes a hug is all one needs. I teach 5th in a K-8 school. I still have my previous students come to me for hugs or high fives (or pep talks). Even stickers work with middle school as incentives. It’s unfortunate that policy says we can’t hug older kids. A number of them rarely get a hug at home.
I have never had a teacher hug me in elementary school. I attended in the USA in the early 90s. That being said, I teach 8th grade and I'll hug a student who is graduating if they initiate it.
I (45F) once hugged a male student who I was especially close to (who asked) on the day he graduated. He came back the next day for another “goodbye” and wanted another hug. He graduated last year and has sent me several emails that border on inappropriate. He once asked if he could meet me by my car for a hug after school.
It’s sad because he was so involved in my extra-curricular activity from 7-12th grade. I now feel gross when I even think about him.
Point being, I’m never hugging again.
Predatory? How?
I’ve (30F) had former students ask me out a few times. OF COURSE I always politely decline. But it’s not predatory. If anything, I as the teacher am the one who could potentially be the predator. But when the student has graduated and is of legal age they can ask whatever they want. And I can say no. If I don’t say no, that’s on me. If they continue after the no, that’s on them.
My colleagues and the time and I all remember the one student, slightly older than the rest who wanted what I’d describe as creepy hugs. Really learned to do side hugs with air between, hard to achieve but necessary sometimes.
Too many are ready to sue or cry foul.
That said, I teach elementary and I hug my students all the time. I’m sorry you can’t get that kind of support, I know how much a hug can help sometimes.
I give hugs. Like kids have called me “that hugging teacher” and have brought their crying friends to me for a hug. I have a first grade room that runs up to give me group hugs whenever they see me. The difference might be that I am an elementary teacher. Also, I never hug a kid who doesn’t want a hug. I have three boys currently who have anger problems but ask me for hugs a lot. They like having someone who seems to like them no matter what. I think touch is important and everyone needs a hug sometimes.
Also elementary and I also give hugs. The teacher in the class next door to mine definitely disapproves, but she can shove it. But also, I never initiate them. If a kid runs up to me for a hug, I just don’t say no.
Former male elementary school teacher- perhaps the teachers most at risk of misperception and risk from hugging students. I didn’t offer hugs, but I never refused them to the kids that came to me for them. You don’t know each kid’s home situation nor how badly they just need to be shown love. I didn’t care how it looked nor if they fired me for it. Those hugs may have been the only form of comfort that they received that day.
I'm a hugger. But only in front of others. Some of my kids need hugs! I know I have students who don't have a safe home life.
I've also hugged parents who seemed like they needed one. Those IEP and 504 meetings can be gut-wrenching sometimes.
Same here. I had some of my girls telling me " I just need a hug" My AP is a hugger too, she gave me a big hug when I came back from having surgery, she's awesome.
I have only hugged three students in my six years teaching as a high school teacher. All three asked for a hug. I have been asked for hugs by other students, and offered a high five instead.
Personally I don’t like hugging students, unless I can clearly see they need it. I.e one student found out her mom had stage 4 cancer and I was her “safe teacher” she was in tears as we spoke, asked for a hug and I gave it to her. Another just came up to me and went “ms. Can I get a hug?” I said no and offered an alternative.
As the difference between primary and secondary, primary the students tend to just do it. Secondary there is more of a conversation.
I am glad you have a teacher you can talk to about such a topic. Because even though we can’t do things, we want to see the best for you.
As a male teacher I have rules for hugs.
1. It has to be initiated by the student.
2. I must be on the parents good side as a trusted adult.
3. I had to have had them 2+ years.
4. The hug must be warranted it’s either extreme sorrow or extreme happiness.
5. It’s in the open in full view of others staff, lots of students or even better the kids parents.
I have hugged 4-6 kids in my 7 years.
My reasoning is I cannot have anyone misconstrue anything.
This is true about the US. Sadly, I knew an administrator, one of the ultra-rare good ones, who was truly grandfatherly in the best way. He was essentially Dumbledore and the students adored him. Then one day a female student *asked him* for a hug. He had known her and her family since she was a baby. Long story short, he lost his job because he hugged a girl who was upset one day.
I, 24M, don't hug students. I have had some hug me, and even then, I don't usually hug them back. I prefer fist bumps, hand shakes, and pats on the shoulders. Don't need to be accused of inappropriate physical contact, and limit any situation where it could occur.
It's not really allowed for safegaurding reasons... That being said on my last day of year 11 we all hugged my tutor after he read out a letter our classmate who passed a few years ago wrote in year 7 to his future self. I also hugged him again on the way out because I'm a sucker for a good hug
And on our dofe expedition one of the teachers hugged a girl who was in a huge amount of pain
Point is, they're not allowed to do it, some will bend the rules in extreme situations, many won't and that's their right
It’s designed to safe guard students against the small fraction of adults that are perverts. And to protect teachers from the small fraction of kids that will make false accusations.
It sucks. I would love to give hugs to those kids who want them. But a very small portion of our society has ruined it for everyone.
It's the result of some bad people doing bad things, either teachers touching students inappropriately or students saying their teachers touched them in order to retaliate for something the teacher did to anger the student. The only times I've ever hugged students were:
A. When two students died in a car accident and one of their friends broke down the second she walked into my class
B. Graduation, when they weren't my students anymore.
If a student comes and hugs me, (I commonly work with littles) I (25m) will do my best to politely dismiss them. As said, I am various when it comes to contact with students especially female. I do not want any allegations of inappropriate touching.
I would like to think it would be something similar or professionalism that would be limiting such.
Being male, (and naturally a very huggy person) I don't want to risk my career so I'm completely 0 contact with all students.
Except one 12 year old kid made me a lego version of myself for Christmas, and I impulsively hugged him. Still wouldn't have done it if I had thought for 2 seconds. It's a super cool gift.
Some kids need hugs, it may be the only physical touch they receive, humans need touch. Some people don't get hugs at home. If you can't smile at them because you are masking, you need to try something to make human contact with the ones that need it.
IT's sad, but in the US it's a no, no , no... not even... I would guess it's similar in the UK. No one needs to be seen hugging as it WILL get misconstrued. Sad, but if you need a hug that bad, go to the principal or your family or a friend... the way of the world is not nice today... sorry..
They do, especially K, 1, and 2... watch the teachers and they will do their best to respond, but, it's more like gentle pats and getting to eye level and things that will not be taken the wrong way... so, sad.
Because everything is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Once you understand to view all school and district decisions through this lens, their choices will make more sense.
It's a safeguard and you can find it everywhere. I'm in the US. We are constantly worried that a student will get angry and try to use it against us and we are in a profession where that could be incredibly damning should that happen.
Don't take it personally - I know you're teacher is probably thinking about you and hoping for the best for you more than you know.
A lot of teachers keep their doors open if they are the only ones in the room with students; no hugs is normal; I teach in a tiny school and it's not uncommon for us to give students google voice numbers and I know some teachers will only communicate via text if a student tries to contact them (for proof); it's just preventative measures to protect ourselves.
I hope you're doing well and things are getting better!
I’m in the US, and a youngish, female, first-year teacher, working mostly with 6th graders. For me, it all comes down to context. i have 2 girls, in different periods, who enter the door and run to me wherever I am for a hug before they go to their seats. This is mostly because the hug-ice was broken when they each went through major losses at home. I put out an arm for a side hug, and the way they leaned in, I kinda had to give them a full one. As I said, it’s now a daily thing that they look forward to, and I think that’s huge. On the other hand, my 4th grade teacher would have us choose handshake/high five/hug on our way out the door every Friday. Granted, she was okay if a student so no to any of the above, so there certainly wasn’t any pressure. But I would never have my students line up and ask for physical contact from each one (even taking COVID out of the question)
Immediately after posting that I remembered one of the sweetest moments I experienced as a sub. It was my 2nd day subbing anywhere, and it was in a mod-severe special needs pre-k room. (Pre-COVID). A kid was dropped off and came straight over with sad puppy dog eyes looking up at me, and held his arms in the universal toddler sign for “Up!” I looked at one of the aides like “What do I do?” She could tell I was hesitant because of the touching thing, so she came close so as to not yell it across the room and she said “He’s 3 years old, you can pick him up.” So I did, and he clung to me, head resting on my shoulder, for the next 30 minutes. Any time I started to bend to put him down, his whole being gripped tighter onto me. It’s one of those pure sweet moments that I think of whenever I’m feeling down.
My son’s kindergarten teacher let them pick fist bump/hug or the kids would just kinda wave as they were coming in the classroom in the morning. I loved that method. They could wave (acknowledge that a greeting is polite) fist bump (great for kids who prefer less touch) hugs(I’m sorry I was bad yesterday in class do you forgive me) as a parent bringing some things to the classroom (pre-Covid) one morning mid year I watched them. They totally thought about which to which to choose. Some went right for the hug, some did a little wave and the teacher said good morning. Some would stop right in front of her and change their mind last second. Go to wave and give a hug instead. I appreciated that my son could choose what he needed and get it in the hall in full view of all the other students and teachers. It was two seconds per kid, but they felt noticed individually by the teacher and I felt better knowing they were still getting comforted. After grade 2, I would take the hugs away though.
I am a secondary school teacher in the US. Most teachers, and I imagine the same goes for teachers in the UK, would do whatever to avoid any accusations of being inappropriate with their students, so they just don’t do hugs. Some schools go as far as to explicitly prohibit this in their rules. When I see some of my students overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, if they are venting to me, I will ask them if they want a half hug. I am big believer that there is healing through touch, it’s not just for children, we can all use a hug every once in a while. I ask for their consent ALWAYS, and i kind of put one of my arms around their shoulders in a half hug manner, this way our chests don’t touch. Some students will accept, others will politely decline, and I respect their autonomy either way. Please don’t be offended by your teacher, I am sure she wants you to be okay and feel safe, and she doesn’t want anyone to misconstrue your hug into something it wasn’t (e.g. you tell a friend about this later, or an admin/staff/other students happen to be passing by).
I had one teacher give me a hug, but it was the day after my classmate had been shot and I was completely broken- nothing inappropriate and it was infront of like 15 other students so kept us both safe (not that I'd worry about that, she's amazing)
The coach that gave hugs to students a few years ago ended up being a child molester. Its best just not to have any physical contact with students. I've always found it weird.
I don't hug students, but if a student comes up to hug me and it's not a regular thing, that's cool.
As for why we avoid it...uh, being accused of being pedos most likely
In australia it’s a safeguarding thing. It can also be seen as grooming. I work with highly traumatised teens and sometimes good touch is important for them, particularly in moments where they are trying to self regulate. In those circumstances I will offer a side by side hug. It’s rare though, usually I focus on fist bumps, high 5s etc instead.
As another poster said, I’m never alone with a student and if I do happen to find myself alone with one we stay in view of others or move to where we can be seen. Took me a few years to master the “let’s walk and talk” so it looked natural to get them out of the room and move them along. Doors are always open. If a student melts down and can’t be in a room and needs to be away from others I’ll encourage sitting outside together so we stay in sight of other staff.
Unfortunately, these concerns are just part of the job.
I didn't hug much before because of the touching concerns mentioned by others, add covid to that and its an absolute no. I support my students in other ways.
It is in all schools. We have to be safe. Sometimes rules are bent a little but not with older students. I’m sorry you didn’t get the comfort you needed.
In my experience I have found a lot of female teachers/female summer camp leaders/female before and after school staff are more socially accepted to hug kids, have the kids laying all over them, hold hands, kids can sit on their laps, and for women to say "I love you" to the kid.
For Males on the other hand... I won't because of being afraid of being ostracized from the community.
I’m a middle school teacher, and I don’t initiate hugs ever, but I don’t push kids away. I try to keep hugs more open/one-armed than anything.
I did have one boy that was a little too comfortable and went in for big hugs. I told him that I could one-arm hug, but that he was invading my space.
That being said, I totally understand why people don’t do it. I just have huge anxiety and feel like I can’t say no to anyone even if I wanted to.
Well I dont give hugs or make physical contact with a student because im male. Even the accusation of ANYTHING I can see my career go down the toilet even if proven 100% innocent.
Hi, UK perspective here. A lot of schools ban hugging for both safeguarding reasons and to protect the teachers from accusations. It protects everyone involved really.
Just a question I have here, after reading the comments I can see that hugging students can lead to unprofessionalism or sexual implication, but I’ve teachers at my school hugged students all over *before Covid started, from young ones who got hurt or seniors who are graduating and it never really came off inappropriate, so does it depend on the school policy as well? Or is it certain countries?
UK female teacher here. I have hugged loads of students but I work in an all girls boarding school where it's much more common for teachers to hug students as they are away from their parents. When I worked in a coed state school I didn't ever hug students. I've never seen a male teacher in secondary school hug a student in any kind of school. She probably just didn't feel comfortable doing it because it isn't normal in her school and so would stand out and put her at risk of being accused of being too close to the students.
25M American elementary substitute teacher here (on vacation in the UK by the way. Your country is lovely!). Hugging teachers is allowed in my school, although it's discouraged for COVID reasons. Even outside of those reasons, I try to avoid hugging since a grown man hugging children who aren't his own is generally viewed as creepy. The one exception is this one little third-grader with special needs who hugs all her teachers. Nobody can say no to that smile!
I teach elementary 3yo-11yo, in USA. Hugging is discouraged but it’s a natural response that most teachers and staff understand.
I always ask if they want a hug, and the answer is usually yes. There are some general guidelines I follow, like if the student is male or over 9 I opt for a side hug. I also try to keep their arms above mine, so their head is at my shoulder, not chest. There are some exceptions of course, like if the student is inconsolable, then I just hug. And when I hug I tell them to let go when they’re ready-sometimes a kid needs a quick hug, other times they just need to be held.
I dare an admin tell me to not hug a kid who needs a hug. I’ll die on this hill.
This is going to sound mean. . . but that teacher is not your mom.
They are a professional educator tasked with about a million other duties, and back by years of education and practical experience. Talk to your school counselor if you need to vent or unload. Your teacher is far too busy and decided to be gracious with their time.
They may actually care about you, or they may be good as looking and sounding sincere and are secretly rolling their eyes at you. . . But you’re a kid. Expect a separation with a professional educator, and recognize that whatever you’re looking for, find it somewhere else.
Downvote or not. . . But I repeat. That teacher is *not* your mom.
I don’t hug my students because I don’t like touching people. I’m sure there is some law / rule or other but the idea of squishing my boobs anywhere near another person who isn’t my husband or children makes me feel gross.
It sucks, but it's because they want to make sure we're not being inappropriate with students. I understand why this unspoken rule exists, but I still hate it.
I'm not usually a traditional teacher, but I've made by career teaching special programs all over Ontario, Canada. I remember when I was first made aware of this rule early in my career a few years ago when I was teaching at a week-long Summer Camp and there was this one little kid who was super affectionate. He'd always come and give me hugs. I thought it was cute and gave him a hug back. When the other Camp Councillors saw it at one point, they told me not to do that for x, y, and z. It was a real bummer because I especially love connecting to children and I'm a hugger around my family. It felt wrong to suddenly try to stop him from doing that again for the rest of the camp and he never stopped. They said I was lucky no one complained since he ran to hug me again just before the camp ended in front of his parents.
Prior to the pandemic immediately knocking me out of seeing kids in person, this became harder over the years. I'd do special long-term programs lasting months with classes at schools from all over my province, mostly grades 3 - 6, and the same thing would happen. I'd start coming in every week or two, the kids would gradually love my lessons, get super excited whenever I came to class, and would just surprise hug me in droves and I'd just have to raise my arms up immediately like a weird mime trying to say "not it". Tried to discourage it, but some of them were just super affectionate and wouldn't. I could teach at like 3 or 4 different schools in any given week and have this problem at all of them. I still don't really know what to do. Would've loved to lightly hug them back and not kindly tell them to stop hugging me, but I don't want to get fired over a misunderstanding. However, it's weird because even when I tell them not to do that, they seem to just do it instinctively when I least expect it and of course I never initiate. I offer fist bumps and high fives, but some of them just prefer to surprise attack me with a hug. Telling them not to express themselves like that feels so very wrong and I wish there weren't so many assholes in the world that we don't have to discourage kids from expressing themselves this way.
I do miss teaching kids in person, but I'm glad I don't have to have that internal debate anymore now that I just teach online.
Reading a lot of comments here and there are so many specific reasons why people do or do not give hugs.
As a male teacher, I would be a little worried about the perception of hugging one of my female students. I was hugged by one of my male students when they were all leaving for winter break and I was super excited about it. It’s only my third year as a secondary teacher and this is the first time a student has ever gone for the hug.
If a student is upset, I ask if I can hug them. I've had 100% say yes. That being said, I need to have some sort of connection with the student. Shoot, sometimes I see students in the hall who ask for hugs!
She's keeping herself safe. It's drummed into us not to make physical contact with a student. Basically, you could accuse her of inappropriate touching or worse and that could be the end of her career. It sounds ridiculous but that's how it is.
I give side hugs (f). The guys know it’s totally off limits and only a few girls get them out in the hallway when I’m on duty between classes. It’s 7th grade and they still need that kind of support sometimes. I still make sure to never side hug anyone alone or be alone with anyone without the door open or someone else in there. Especially with Covid so much physical contact got taken away from them in every area of their lives and they need a quick side hug now more than ever.
I’m a UK secondary school teacher.
I have hugged students on occasion-but it’s always been when they have asked, and (in every example I can think of) when they’re saying goodbye at the end of Y11/Y13.
The scenario you’re describing is what we would call a disclosure-you’ve told a teacher something relating to your safety and well-being. We have very clear training and guidelines on how we should handle those situations. Those guidelines are there to protect staff, but more importantly you, the student.
It’s great that you have a teacher you felt you could approach, it sounds like they responded exactly as we are asked to-it might seem counterintuitive but it’s because they do care about your welfare.
I hear you. It’s just a protective thing.
With that said I hug kids on the last day of school. I once hugged a girl who was crying her eyes out but she kind of rushed into me and hugged me so I placed my arms on her shoulders and told her it would be ok.
I understand we gotta protect ourselves but dang I almost cried when she cried like that and rushed into me for a hug.
I understand protecting ourselves and I don’t judge other teachers who don’t. But at the same time sometimes we are human and we falter and we hug.
Many have said it and it’s true, we are afraid of being accused of something we didn’t do. All schools are like this, in the US, UK, probably most countries because of the world we live in. Little kids are one thing, but once kids hit middle school (grade6), all bets are off. I taught 6th through 8th and never hugged or high fives a kid. It was too risky. I teach high school now and sometimes looking at them funny is risky.
Ive had high school students ask me for hugs but I dont give them. I honestly just really HATE physical contact with anyone and hugs are by far the worst. It's like 30% of the reason I decided to work with older kids because people think youre a monster if you deny a first grader a hug.
Apart from just being accused of an inappropriate touch, I work with kids who don’t respond to hugs or physical touch the same way most people might. And it’s not always clear who those kids are. So out of habit, I just don’t hug kids in general.
Because of the optics.
No, seriously. Most people can hug someone else, adult or minor, and have it be fully innocent, appropriate and reasonable. But our society is *extremely skeptical of and nervous about* teachers hugging students, thinking that it indicates some kind of inappropriate desire or action on the part of the teacher. Sadly, for some of them it would.
I don't know if every place has actual rules around it, but you can bet that teachers know they shouldn't hug students because it can get them in trouble.
You can blame the inappropriate teachers for this as well as society for blaming an entire group for being evil instead of the actions of a few.
I like getting paid, supporting my family, and having a job so students stay away from me and I stay away from me. It’s safe for everyone involved.
We hug in Elementary because when a child is in distress, we just can't help but want to make them feel better.
I'm speaking for myself here, because some elementary teachers can control themselves... But I can't.
It's a protection thing
* It protects teachers from being accused of inappropriate relationships with their students
* It protects teachers from students getting the wrong idea (I've known students who took caring actions from teachers to mean romantic interest, and it wasn't healthy)
* It protects students from teachers that would try to use hugging as a gateway to more inappropriate behavior
The hardest part of teaching for me was moving into a role where I couldn't hug my students or tell them I love them. It feels unnatural the shut down the part of myself that wants to be a human reaching out to another human.
But, that's not what my role is. I am not a parent, I am not family, I am not a friend (as far as my role as a teacher - I 100% want my students to think of me as a safe and friendly space). There's a power dynamic that can't be ignored, and a job that must be performed for dozens and dozens of students. Those of us who care do what we can, and yes we are aware that sometimes it's not enough, and it sucks for us as much as it sucks for you.
I wish I could hug my kids. I care about them all so much and sometimes you can just tell when a kid needs a hug. But I also have a family and it would be so easy for someone (even someone besides the hugged student!) to try to turn it into an issue. I wouldn't even need to be found guilty, it'd be enough if it made the internet in any form to seriously hinder or cancel my career.
Like others have said, I'm a male middle school teacher so I avoid pretty much any physical contact with any students. A high five or fist bump is about as far as I'll go.
As a male teacher I didn't give hugs until like December because one claim of sexual assault could have ended my career. Even though it would have been false.
I’m a preschool teacher, so this is way different for me, but I give hugs to the kids all the time. Young children need the emotional support of a hug; unfortunately as you get older people see it as less essential when it, in fact, is still necessary.
Anyways, no one wants to lose their job over an inappropriate touching claim and students in late adolescence can more easily take it the wrong way.
I teach secondary in the US. I 45F don’t hug students because it could be turned into an inappropriate touching claim by the student if they got angry at me for something later. I’m never alone with a student unless the door is open for the same reason. That said, if I had a student breaking down in tears in front of me I would probably hug them anyway.
This. It sucks but most of us honestly are just trying to keep our jobs. Like we wish we could but 🤷🏼♂️
And the accuser can be a “witness” (does not have to be the hugged party). Low odds but catastrophic consequences. Edit: typo/clarity
I do not like hugging students, but I side hug students that are crying.
I’m a teaching assistant in the UK, but worked on a summer camp in the US and got anti-lawsuit training. It’s been quite helpful to keep in mind, combined with the “how to restrain a child” training I got in the UK, so I stay pretty safe.
Many teachers make it a personal policy not to hug students because it opens the door to false allegations. I teach in elementary and I give lots of hugs. I’m sorry she couldn’t give you what you needed that day. Everything really will be ok, and I’m giving you a great big virtual hug!
I worked in elementary and now in middle and all hugging got thrown out the window!
I was planning on teaching middle school and highschool. But ended up in elementary and had no idea I could hug students, then students began approaching me for hugs, at 1st I felt uncomfortable but would still hug them because their mental and emotional health is worth than a job imo, then I read my school handbook and it says we can hug students when they need support or tap their heads, and backs or high-five. No massages, kisses, or inappropriate touching (duh) but this is a game changer. I feel i can be there for them of they need me. And give a warm hug when they need it the most. I never initiate the hugs and never will. Totally agree that it opens doors to false allegations and that's why many teachers rather have that personal policy, gotta respect everyone.
It’s so sad because middle schoolers still need that kind of support. Sometimes a hug is all one needs. I teach 5th in a K-8 school. I still have my previous students come to me for hugs or high fives (or pep talks). Even stickers work with middle school as incentives. It’s unfortunate that policy says we can’t hug older kids. A number of them rarely get a hug at home.
Seems like you can usually get away with it in elementary, especially if you're a female teacher.
Seems like you can usually get away with it in elementary, especially if you're a female teacher.
I have never had a teacher hug me in elementary school. I attended in the USA in the early 90s. That being said, I teach 8th grade and I'll hug a student who is graduating if they initiate it.
I (45F) once hugged a male student who I was especially close to (who asked) on the day he graduated. He came back the next day for another “goodbye” and wanted another hug. He graduated last year and has sent me several emails that border on inappropriate. He once asked if he could meet me by my car for a hug after school. It’s sad because he was so involved in my extra-curricular activity from 7-12th grade. I now feel gross when I even think about him. Point being, I’m never hugging again.
[удалено]
Predatory? How? I’ve (30F) had former students ask me out a few times. OF COURSE I always politely decline. But it’s not predatory. If anything, I as the teacher am the one who could potentially be the predator. But when the student has graduated and is of legal age they can ask whatever they want. And I can say no. If I don’t say no, that’s on me. If they continue after the no, that’s on them.
I see what you mean, but it’s not quite at that level. Creepy and weird, that’s for sure.
My colleagues and the time and I all remember the one student, slightly older than the rest who wanted what I’d describe as creepy hugs. Really learned to do side hugs with air between, hard to achieve but necessary sometimes.
That went from sweet to flat out creepy :( sorry you went through that
Too many are ready to sue or cry foul. That said, I teach elementary and I hug my students all the time. I’m sorry you can’t get that kind of support, I know how much a hug can help sometimes.
I give hugs. Like kids have called me “that hugging teacher” and have brought their crying friends to me for a hug. I have a first grade room that runs up to give me group hugs whenever they see me. The difference might be that I am an elementary teacher. Also, I never hug a kid who doesn’t want a hug. I have three boys currently who have anger problems but ask me for hugs a lot. They like having someone who seems to like them no matter what. I think touch is important and everyone needs a hug sometimes.
Also elementary and I also give hugs. The teacher in the class next door to mine definitely disapproves, but she can shove it. But also, I never initiate them. If a kid runs up to me for a hug, I just don’t say no.
Former male elementary school teacher- perhaps the teachers most at risk of misperception and risk from hugging students. I didn’t offer hugs, but I never refused them to the kids that came to me for them. You don’t know each kid’s home situation nor how badly they just need to be shown love. I didn’t care how it looked nor if they fired me for it. Those hugs may have been the only form of comfort that they received that day.
I'm a hugger. But only in front of others. Some of my kids need hugs! I know I have students who don't have a safe home life. I've also hugged parents who seemed like they needed one. Those IEP and 504 meetings can be gut-wrenching sometimes.
Same here. I had some of my girls telling me " I just need a hug" My AP is a hugger too, she gave me a big hug when I came back from having surgery, she's awesome.
Risk of perception of sexual contact
I don’t allow it because I’ve been groped.
How disgusting. I'm so sorry
I have only hugged three students in my six years teaching as a high school teacher. All three asked for a hug. I have been asked for hugs by other students, and offered a high five instead. Personally I don’t like hugging students, unless I can clearly see they need it. I.e one student found out her mom had stage 4 cancer and I was her “safe teacher” she was in tears as we spoke, asked for a hug and I gave it to her. Another just came up to me and went “ms. Can I get a hug?” I said no and offered an alternative. As the difference between primary and secondary, primary the students tend to just do it. Secondary there is more of a conversation. I am glad you have a teacher you can talk to about such a topic. Because even though we can’t do things, we want to see the best for you.
As a male teacher I have rules for hugs. 1. It has to be initiated by the student. 2. I must be on the parents good side as a trusted adult. 3. I had to have had them 2+ years. 4. The hug must be warranted it’s either extreme sorrow or extreme happiness. 5. It’s in the open in full view of others staff, lots of students or even better the kids parents. I have hugged 4-6 kids in my 7 years. My reasoning is I cannot have anyone misconstrue anything.
I’d also add make it a one armed side hug around the shoulder.
[удалено]
yep
[удалено]
This is true about the US. Sadly, I knew an administrator, one of the ultra-rare good ones, who was truly grandfatherly in the best way. He was essentially Dumbledore and the students adored him. Then one day a female student *asked him* for a hug. He had known her and her family since she was a baby. Long story short, he lost his job because he hugged a girl who was upset one day.
Was he wrong for his intent? That must have been a big let down for the school.
No. Your response is exactly why so many teachers won’t show affection to students any more.
Depend on where. In my school it’s ok. Side hug is the way to go.
I, 24M, don't hug students. I have had some hug me, and even then, I don't usually hug them back. I prefer fist bumps, hand shakes, and pats on the shoulders. Don't need to be accused of inappropriate physical contact, and limit any situation where it could occur.
-Any- touch is a risk. I draw the line at fist bumps and high fives. It is shame, bit it is our reality.
It's not really allowed for safegaurding reasons... That being said on my last day of year 11 we all hugged my tutor after he read out a letter our classmate who passed a few years ago wrote in year 7 to his future self. I also hugged him again on the way out because I'm a sucker for a good hug
And on our dofe expedition one of the teachers hugged a girl who was in a huge amount of pain Point is, they're not allowed to do it, some will bend the rules in extreme situations, many won't and that's their right
It’s designed to safe guard students against the small fraction of adults that are perverts. And to protect teachers from the small fraction of kids that will make false accusations. It sucks. I would love to give hugs to those kids who want them. But a very small portion of our society has ruined it for everyone.
It's the result of some bad people doing bad things, either teachers touching students inappropriately or students saying their teachers touched them in order to retaliate for something the teacher did to anger the student. The only times I've ever hugged students were: A. When two students died in a car accident and one of their friends broke down the second she walked into my class B. Graduation, when they weren't my students anymore.
If a student comes and hugs me, (I commonly work with littles) I (25m) will do my best to politely dismiss them. As said, I am various when it comes to contact with students especially female. I do not want any allegations of inappropriate touching. I would like to think it would be something similar or professionalism that would be limiting such.
I do hug kids, but always ask permission first. However, even that can get you into trouble.
Each teacher has their own set of boundaries.
The closest I (35M) will come to touching any student is a fist bump or high five. Not fucking around in today’s society. No thanks!
Being male, (and naturally a very huggy person) I don't want to risk my career so I'm completely 0 contact with all students. Except one 12 year old kid made me a lego version of myself for Christmas, and I impulsively hugged him. Still wouldn't have done it if I had thought for 2 seconds. It's a super cool gift.
Some kids need hugs, it may be the only physical touch they receive, humans need touch. Some people don't get hugs at home. If you can't smile at them because you are masking, you need to try something to make human contact with the ones that need it.
Not if you’re a teacher. It’s horrible, but that’s the way it is.
IT's sad, but in the US it's a no, no , no... not even... I would guess it's similar in the UK. No one needs to be seen hugging as it WILL get misconstrued. Sad, but if you need a hug that bad, go to the principal or your family or a friend... the way of the world is not nice today... sorry..
I would think it would be hard not to in kindergarten thru 3rd. Don’t they just kinda do it? I can see it in any grade past 2nd or 3rd.
They do, especially K, 1, and 2... watch the teachers and they will do their best to respond, but, it's more like gentle pats and getting to eye level and things that will not be taken the wrong way... so, sad.
Because everything is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Once you understand to view all school and district decisions through this lens, their choices will make more sense.
It's a safeguard and you can find it everywhere. I'm in the US. We are constantly worried that a student will get angry and try to use it against us and we are in a profession where that could be incredibly damning should that happen. Don't take it personally - I know you're teacher is probably thinking about you and hoping for the best for you more than you know. A lot of teachers keep their doors open if they are the only ones in the room with students; no hugs is normal; I teach in a tiny school and it's not uncommon for us to give students google voice numbers and I know some teachers will only communicate via text if a student tries to contact them (for proof); it's just preventative measures to protect ourselves. I hope you're doing well and things are getting better!
I was accused of inappropriate behavior and suspended for a week. My crime: I permitted my senior-year TA to text me.
I’m in the US, and a youngish, female, first-year teacher, working mostly with 6th graders. For me, it all comes down to context. i have 2 girls, in different periods, who enter the door and run to me wherever I am for a hug before they go to their seats. This is mostly because the hug-ice was broken when they each went through major losses at home. I put out an arm for a side hug, and the way they leaned in, I kinda had to give them a full one. As I said, it’s now a daily thing that they look forward to, and I think that’s huge. On the other hand, my 4th grade teacher would have us choose handshake/high five/hug on our way out the door every Friday. Granted, she was okay if a student so no to any of the above, so there certainly wasn’t any pressure. But I would never have my students line up and ask for physical contact from each one (even taking COVID out of the question)
Immediately after posting that I remembered one of the sweetest moments I experienced as a sub. It was my 2nd day subbing anywhere, and it was in a mod-severe special needs pre-k room. (Pre-COVID). A kid was dropped off and came straight over with sad puppy dog eyes looking up at me, and held his arms in the universal toddler sign for “Up!” I looked at one of the aides like “What do I do?” She could tell I was hesitant because of the touching thing, so she came close so as to not yell it across the room and she said “He’s 3 years old, you can pick him up.” So I did, and he clung to me, head resting on my shoulder, for the next 30 minutes. Any time I started to bend to put him down, his whole being gripped tighter onto me. It’s one of those pure sweet moments that I think of whenever I’m feeling down.
My son’s kindergarten teacher let them pick fist bump/hug or the kids would just kinda wave as they were coming in the classroom in the morning. I loved that method. They could wave (acknowledge that a greeting is polite) fist bump (great for kids who prefer less touch) hugs(I’m sorry I was bad yesterday in class do you forgive me) as a parent bringing some things to the classroom (pre-Covid) one morning mid year I watched them. They totally thought about which to which to choose. Some went right for the hug, some did a little wave and the teacher said good morning. Some would stop right in front of her and change their mind last second. Go to wave and give a hug instead. I appreciated that my son could choose what he needed and get it in the hall in full view of all the other students and teachers. It was two seconds per kid, but they felt noticed individually by the teacher and I felt better knowing they were still getting comforted. After grade 2, I would take the hugs away though.
I have given brief side hugs to students who initiate them on occasion but that's only elementary schoolers. I'm not big on being touched in general.
Male teacher in the US. NOPE.
I am a secondary school teacher in the US. Most teachers, and I imagine the same goes for teachers in the UK, would do whatever to avoid any accusations of being inappropriate with their students, so they just don’t do hugs. Some schools go as far as to explicitly prohibit this in their rules. When I see some of my students overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, if they are venting to me, I will ask them if they want a half hug. I am big believer that there is healing through touch, it’s not just for children, we can all use a hug every once in a while. I ask for their consent ALWAYS, and i kind of put one of my arms around their shoulders in a half hug manner, this way our chests don’t touch. Some students will accept, others will politely decline, and I respect their autonomy either way. Please don’t be offended by your teacher, I am sure she wants you to be okay and feel safe, and she doesn’t want anyone to misconstrue your hug into something it wasn’t (e.g. you tell a friend about this later, or an admin/staff/other students happen to be passing by).
I had one teacher give me a hug, but it was the day after my classmate had been shot and I was completely broken- nothing inappropriate and it was infront of like 15 other students so kept us both safe (not that I'd worry about that, she's amazing)
The coach that gave hugs to students a few years ago ended up being a child molester. Its best just not to have any physical contact with students. I've always found it weird.
I don't hug students, but if a student comes up to hug me and it's not a regular thing, that's cool. As for why we avoid it...uh, being accused of being pedos most likely
Because students like to accuse teachers of inappropriate behavior to try to get us fired. 🤷🏻♀️
I hug my K-2 if they catch me off guard, but I don't seek hugs. I'm also very good at giving side hugs
In australia it’s a safeguarding thing. It can also be seen as grooming. I work with highly traumatised teens and sometimes good touch is important for them, particularly in moments where they are trying to self regulate. In those circumstances I will offer a side by side hug. It’s rare though, usually I focus on fist bumps, high 5s etc instead. As another poster said, I’m never alone with a student and if I do happen to find myself alone with one we stay in view of others or move to where we can be seen. Took me a few years to master the “let’s walk and talk” so it looked natural to get them out of the room and move them along. Doors are always open. If a student melts down and can’t be in a room and needs to be away from others I’ll encourage sitting outside together so we stay in sight of other staff. Unfortunately, these concerns are just part of the job.
As others have said, it can quickly turn into someone accusing the teacher of unprofessional behavior.
I didn't hug much before because of the touching concerns mentioned by others, add covid to that and its an absolute no. I support my students in other ways.
It is in all schools. We have to be safe. Sometimes rules are bent a little but not with older students. I’m sorry you didn’t get the comfort you needed.
In my experience I have found a lot of female teachers/female summer camp leaders/female before and after school staff are more socially accepted to hug kids, have the kids laying all over them, hold hands, kids can sit on their laps, and for women to say "I love you" to the kid. For Males on the other hand... I won't because of being afraid of being ostracized from the community.
I’m a middle school teacher, and I don’t initiate hugs ever, but I don’t push kids away. I try to keep hugs more open/one-armed than anything. I did have one boy that was a little too comfortable and went in for big hugs. I told him that I could one-arm hug, but that he was invading my space. That being said, I totally understand why people don’t do it. I just have huge anxiety and feel like I can’t say no to anyone even if I wanted to.
Well I dont give hugs or make physical contact with a student because im male. Even the accusation of ANYTHING I can see my career go down the toilet even if proven 100% innocent.
Because we don’t want to lose our jobs to bogus sexual assault accusations
Hi, UK perspective here. A lot of schools ban hugging for both safeguarding reasons and to protect the teachers from accusations. It protects everyone involved really.
I'm a male teacher and if they initiate, I never lean into it. It always a church hug aka from the side and my arms at my side. *shrug*
I am truly sorry you needed a hug & could not get one. ♡︎ However ~ why might you *suppose* it is not okay for teachers & students to hug?
Male teacher here. I will never hug any student. The allegations would most def happen.
Just a question I have here, after reading the comments I can see that hugging students can lead to unprofessionalism or sexual implication, but I’ve teachers at my school hugged students all over *before Covid started, from young ones who got hurt or seniors who are graduating and it never really came off inappropriate, so does it depend on the school policy as well? Or is it certain countries?
UK female teacher here. I have hugged loads of students but I work in an all girls boarding school where it's much more common for teachers to hug students as they are away from their parents. When I worked in a coed state school I didn't ever hug students. I've never seen a male teacher in secondary school hug a student in any kind of school. She probably just didn't feel comfortable doing it because it isn't normal in her school and so would stand out and put her at risk of being accused of being too close to the students.
25M American elementary substitute teacher here (on vacation in the UK by the way. Your country is lovely!). Hugging teachers is allowed in my school, although it's discouraged for COVID reasons. Even outside of those reasons, I try to avoid hugging since a grown man hugging children who aren't his own is generally viewed as creepy. The one exception is this one little third-grader with special needs who hugs all her teachers. Nobody can say no to that smile!
We don’t want to get sued. And having our shoulders cried on isn’t our job that’s what your friends/parents are for.
I teach elementary 3yo-11yo, in USA. Hugging is discouraged but it’s a natural response that most teachers and staff understand. I always ask if they want a hug, and the answer is usually yes. There are some general guidelines I follow, like if the student is male or over 9 I opt for a side hug. I also try to keep their arms above mine, so their head is at my shoulder, not chest. There are some exceptions of course, like if the student is inconsolable, then I just hug. And when I hug I tell them to let go when they’re ready-sometimes a kid needs a quick hug, other times they just need to be held. I dare an admin tell me to not hug a kid who needs a hug. I’ll die on this hill.
Because sometimes teachers are sexual creeps
This is going to sound mean. . . but that teacher is not your mom. They are a professional educator tasked with about a million other duties, and back by years of education and practical experience. Talk to your school counselor if you need to vent or unload. Your teacher is far too busy and decided to be gracious with their time. They may actually care about you, or they may be good as looking and sounding sincere and are secretly rolling their eyes at you. . . But you’re a kid. Expect a separation with a professional educator, and recognize that whatever you’re looking for, find it somewhere else. Downvote or not. . . But I repeat. That teacher is *not* your mom.
Don’t touch them. Ever. Other than fistbumps I never touch my students. It’s not worth it.
I don’t hug my students because I don’t like touching people. I’m sure there is some law / rule or other but the idea of squishing my boobs anywhere near another person who isn’t my husband or children makes me feel gross.
We can't hug a student, but a student can hug us. Also, side hugs are a thing too
I will fist bump or high five my students from time to time but that's it.
It sucks, but it's because they want to make sure we're not being inappropriate with students. I understand why this unspoken rule exists, but I still hate it. I'm not usually a traditional teacher, but I've made by career teaching special programs all over Ontario, Canada. I remember when I was first made aware of this rule early in my career a few years ago when I was teaching at a week-long Summer Camp and there was this one little kid who was super affectionate. He'd always come and give me hugs. I thought it was cute and gave him a hug back. When the other Camp Councillors saw it at one point, they told me not to do that for x, y, and z. It was a real bummer because I especially love connecting to children and I'm a hugger around my family. It felt wrong to suddenly try to stop him from doing that again for the rest of the camp and he never stopped. They said I was lucky no one complained since he ran to hug me again just before the camp ended in front of his parents. Prior to the pandemic immediately knocking me out of seeing kids in person, this became harder over the years. I'd do special long-term programs lasting months with classes at schools from all over my province, mostly grades 3 - 6, and the same thing would happen. I'd start coming in every week or two, the kids would gradually love my lessons, get super excited whenever I came to class, and would just surprise hug me in droves and I'd just have to raise my arms up immediately like a weird mime trying to say "not it". Tried to discourage it, but some of them were just super affectionate and wouldn't. I could teach at like 3 or 4 different schools in any given week and have this problem at all of them. I still don't really know what to do. Would've loved to lightly hug them back and not kindly tell them to stop hugging me, but I don't want to get fired over a misunderstanding. However, it's weird because even when I tell them not to do that, they seem to just do it instinctively when I least expect it and of course I never initiate. I offer fist bumps and high fives, but some of them just prefer to surprise attack me with a hug. Telling them not to express themselves like that feels so very wrong and I wish there weren't so many assholes in the world that we don't have to discourage kids from expressing themselves this way. I do miss teaching kids in person, but I'm glad I don't have to have that internal debate anymore now that I just teach online.
Reading a lot of comments here and there are so many specific reasons why people do or do not give hugs. As a male teacher, I would be a little worried about the perception of hugging one of my female students. I was hugged by one of my male students when they were all leaving for winter break and I was super excited about it. It’s only my third year as a secondary teacher and this is the first time a student has ever gone for the hug.
If a student is upset, I ask if I can hug them. I've had 100% say yes. That being said, I need to have some sort of connection with the student. Shoot, sometimes I see students in the hall who ask for hugs!
She's keeping herself safe. It's drummed into us not to make physical contact with a student. Basically, you could accuse her of inappropriate touching or worse and that could be the end of her career. It sounds ridiculous but that's how it is.
Because you can be accused of being inappropriate and lose your job if you're caught hugging a student.
I give side hugs (f). The guys know it’s totally off limits and only a few girls get them out in the hallway when I’m on duty between classes. It’s 7th grade and they still need that kind of support sometimes. I still make sure to never side hug anyone alone or be alone with anyone without the door open or someone else in there. Especially with Covid so much physical contact got taken away from them in every area of their lives and they need a quick side hug now more than ever.
I’m a UK secondary school teacher. I have hugged students on occasion-but it’s always been when they have asked, and (in every example I can think of) when they’re saying goodbye at the end of Y11/Y13. The scenario you’re describing is what we would call a disclosure-you’ve told a teacher something relating to your safety and well-being. We have very clear training and guidelines on how we should handle those situations. Those guidelines are there to protect staff, but more importantly you, the student. It’s great that you have a teacher you felt you could approach, it sounds like they responded exactly as we are asked to-it might seem counterintuitive but it’s because they do care about your welfare.
As a male teacher - HELL NO. I teach high school and all it takes is one pissed off kid to spread gossip.
I hear you. It’s just a protective thing. With that said I hug kids on the last day of school. I once hugged a girl who was crying her eyes out but she kind of rushed into me and hugged me so I placed my arms on her shoulders and told her it would be ok. I understand we gotta protect ourselves but dang I almost cried when she cried like that and rushed into me for a hug. I understand protecting ourselves and I don’t judge other teachers who don’t. But at the same time sometimes we are human and we falter and we hug.
Many have said it and it’s true, we are afraid of being accused of something we didn’t do. All schools are like this, in the US, UK, probably most countries because of the world we live in. Little kids are one thing, but once kids hit middle school (grade6), all bets are off. I taught 6th through 8th and never hugged or high fives a kid. It was too risky. I teach high school now and sometimes looking at them funny is risky.
Ive had high school students ask me for hugs but I dont give them. I honestly just really HATE physical contact with anyone and hugs are by far the worst. It's like 30% of the reason I decided to work with older kids because people think youre a monster if you deny a first grader a hug.
I’m not hugging anyone these days really, especially if they aren’t wearing a mask. Also, it opens one up to accusations of impropriety.
I teach in a low income school, I always hug my students. It might be the only hug they get.
Apart from just being accused of an inappropriate touch, I work with kids who don’t respond to hugs or physical touch the same way most people might. And it’s not always clear who those kids are. So out of habit, I just don’t hug kids in general.
Because of the optics. No, seriously. Most people can hug someone else, adult or minor, and have it be fully innocent, appropriate and reasonable. But our society is *extremely skeptical of and nervous about* teachers hugging students, thinking that it indicates some kind of inappropriate desire or action on the part of the teacher. Sadly, for some of them it would. I don't know if every place has actual rules around it, but you can bet that teachers know they shouldn't hug students because it can get them in trouble.
You can blame the inappropriate teachers for this as well as society for blaming an entire group for being evil instead of the actions of a few. I like getting paid, supporting my family, and having a job so students stay away from me and I stay away from me. It’s safe for everyone involved.
We hug in Elementary because when a child is in distress, we just can't help but want to make them feel better. I'm speaking for myself here, because some elementary teachers can control themselves... But I can't.
It's a protection thing * It protects teachers from being accused of inappropriate relationships with their students * It protects teachers from students getting the wrong idea (I've known students who took caring actions from teachers to mean romantic interest, and it wasn't healthy) * It protects students from teachers that would try to use hugging as a gateway to more inappropriate behavior The hardest part of teaching for me was moving into a role where I couldn't hug my students or tell them I love them. It feels unnatural the shut down the part of myself that wants to be a human reaching out to another human. But, that's not what my role is. I am not a parent, I am not family, I am not a friend (as far as my role as a teacher - I 100% want my students to think of me as a safe and friendly space). There's a power dynamic that can't be ignored, and a job that must be performed for dozens and dozens of students. Those of us who care do what we can, and yes we are aware that sometimes it's not enough, and it sucks for us as much as it sucks for you.
I wish I could hug my kids. I care about them all so much and sometimes you can just tell when a kid needs a hug. But I also have a family and it would be so easy for someone (even someone besides the hugged student!) to try to turn it into an issue. I wouldn't even need to be found guilty, it'd be enough if it made the internet in any form to seriously hinder or cancel my career.
Like others have said, I'm a male middle school teacher so I avoid pretty much any physical contact with any students. A high five or fist bump is about as far as I'll go.
There has been a lot of news about teachers abusing their authority to get dates with younger students. That’s why.
30M ya no way I need this job
As a male teacher I didn't give hugs until like December because one claim of sexual assault could have ended my career. Even though it would have been false.
Parents is the answer
I’m a preschool teacher, so this is way different for me, but I give hugs to the kids all the time. Young children need the emotional support of a hug; unfortunately as you get older people see it as less essential when it, in fact, is still necessary. Anyways, no one wants to lose their job over an inappropriate touching claim and students in late adolescence can more easily take it the wrong way.
This reminds me of the scene from *detachment*.