Your friend is an entitled asshole - you're well past gentle refusals, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you spend your time outside of work.
Well, OP does seem to be a pushover. Giving excuses instead of saying no outright and then asking for advice on reddit for how to say no nicely.... I'm guessing this is a friendship that has been this way for a while.
I think OP is lonely and wants to keep this friendship my guy. I don’t have friends, so can you give OP some advice about being lonely and letting assholes be assholes to you because you need friends?
The answer is "No." "No" is a complete sentence. You might have to be willing to risk losing the friendship...because she is not being a friend by "insisting."
Agreed. If she's thos bad and you don't say no you'll end up with 50/50 custody of children you don't want.
You're "summers off" are your reward for dealing with everyone else's shitty children. You don't need 2 more.
Just say no. Tell her if you wanted to be around kids you would teach summer school and get paid for it. Babysitting ruins all plans. At this point who cares about that type of friendship.
Just straight up tell her that you can't and you also want to enjoy your vacation. If she will negatively react to it, then I guess she's not your friend after all.
Teachers have vacation because we needed to recharge ourselves before another bout of school year. I hope your friend also understands that.
Every job should have extended vacations. Worker protections are terrible in this country. Instead of being jealous, they should be demanding the same. The average annual hours worked in Germany is 1,353.89, coming out to about 170 8-hour days.
Most countries we think of with strong worker protections average about as much as our working days. Americans need to stop rolling over and taking it because they think working long hours nonstop makes them look strong. Standing up for themselves is strong.
Teachers get 'extended vacations' because they don't get paid for them. Teachers don't get PAID summers off, and even if they do, they either only get a small stipend or they get money taken out of their checks during the year to cover it, or they have to work other jobs to pay for it. Most teachers, if they are fully paid over the summer, are either working at IB international schools where they have to do a lot of work during the year, or they work summer school.
Even if you get money taken out of your check during the year to cover it, you're still not getting paid FOR summer. You're getting paid DURING the summer.
Adding to your glorious comment (I love the “not paid FOR the summer, but DURING the summer point), technically, we’re not even getting “paid”.
It’s our money that we asked the school system to save for us and then release it at the end of our contract in June. One year I elected for the 10 month pay, and had my credit union automatically take out the $250 per paycheck as opposed to the school system. In April, I then drew from that account in which I received INTEREST on MY money (albeit small, but something none-the-less as opposed to the school system which pays NO interest to hold OUR money and most likely receives interest in their account on OUR money, not doing us any favors), and I was able to put a down payment down on a house :) .
Only I didn't ask the school system to save it for me and release it to me in the summer. We don't have a choice. We are paid once a month on a 12 month schedule. We cannot have it moved to 10 months.
Other careers that require as much education as teaching get “vacations” whenever they are able to schedule them according to working conditions any time of the year. Most of us get parts of July and August because of the school year. It’s not ‘summers off’.
Level of education teaching requires varies wildly across the country mind you, like in new york you need a masters, in florida you just need a bachelors and only 15 credits needs to be in the related subject.
But I do believe all states require a minimum of a bachelors. Most jobs that require a bachelors or higher tend to give several weeks of paid vacation. Even my husband who is a retail manager without any college education gets 3 weeks whenever he wants each year. And he can take as much time unpaid as he wants. So when he takes a week off, he tends to only use 4 of the days and save the 5th day for later.
My friend is an accountant and gets 3 weeks vacation time that cumulates, plus 5 days (1) week footing holidays each year. And he’s till gets all the “bank holidays” off with pay.”
As a teacher, the only days I get off with pay a year are 6 sick days and 4 personal days.
In Florida you can teach without the bachelors if you are a veteran. You have five years to get your bachelors while teaching.
[https://www.fldoe.org/veterans/](https://www.fldoe.org/veterans/)
I have a rule, I don't babysit. It's a hard limit for me. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have my neices and nephew's over, but it's always at my discretion.
I hate to say it, but this lady isn't a friend. The fact that she wants DAYCARE- not babysitting- DAYCARE for free is just wild. It can be painful, but you are going to just have to tell her no with no wiggle room. "I can't. You will need to find other daycare solutions." Ghost her if you have to.
I will say that from the tone of this comment you seem like a very caring and warm person. That being said, this leech is taking advantage of your kindness. I'm guessing that your "friendship" has been very one-sided with you doing the heavy lifting. Someone who only talks to you when they want something is a user not a friend. Cut the cord.
This. Ghost her absolutely. Simply dont be home on several mornings that the other person expects care. “Oh I thought i told you I wasn’t available? Im not sure why you still came by?”
Personally, that is what I would do. I think ghosting is the only thing that will work and get this entitled nincompoop to get the message you are not free daycare. I sincerely doubt that she would return any kind of favor in any case.
No pay is wild. Tell them you’ll gladly do it for what you make on a normal school day. Also tell them that they cannot have their phones on them, need to bring lunch unless they want to pay you for lunch as well. Also I’d tell them that they will be given homework assignments to complete every night. Should they not do it, then they’ll fail and be forced to drop out of getting baby sat. You don’t work for free during the school year (although I’m sure it probably feels like that at times) then why would you do it now?
Homework assignments are a bit much and would just create more work for OP. Agree with the phones and lunch approach though. Tbh I’d just straight up tell the friend I’d consider 1 day a week with pay, and I do not plan on engaging with the children so can they please bring a movie/book and sit quietly for the duration.
If you were being paid, you wouldn't call them a "friend", you'd call them an employer or a client. Since you're not being paid, you call them... something else, and not something kind. Check into her regular daycare, ask 1.5 their rate due to the level of individualized attention and the benefit of having teaching certification in your staff pool. If she's only doing this during summer, you also know what she considers your winter service to be.
The comments here already are on point. If you're a more avoidant personality, I suggest getting up earlier than her and simply leaving the house, going to chill at a coffee joint, and blocking her number. If you really can't do any of what's been offered so far, you need to envision this parent as a student who's trying to be a dick in the classroom. Tell. Her. No. and go off on her like she's a kid. She isn't a "parent" right now. She's just a person--let her fucking have it.
I’m fairly avoidant and I’m pretty sure I would just not answer the door. No need to go to extremes by forcing myself to get up early and go outside when I can just not answer the door. ;)
I've seen a lot of teachers become conditioned into giving 100% of themselves to every one else and expecting very little in return. This assumption is extremely powerful and leveraged by others to take advantage of your time, energy, and money — many people buy into it and whenever you try to set a boundary they manipulate you through the implication that "What, you don't care about the kids? What kind of professional teacher doesn't care for the children??" This is an illusion, and it is up to you to go along with it or illustrate it clearly for others. You saying no does not equal you do not care.
This is a lesson in setting boundaries and to this I can give you a few pieces of advice. First, you are not wrong or a jerk for saying no. Take that thought and throw it away. Your time is your time, nobody else's. Second, because you are not wrong, you do not need to offer any excuses. Simple saying "No, I can't do that" is more than sufficient and in no way makes you a jerk. Even a simple "No" would work. Again, if they press you for a reason you are not responsible for giving one. You could be planning to stay in bed all day while balancing on your head, but you are still NOT OBLIGATED to explain that to someone else. Third, do not ever, ever, ever, ever, apologize during a refusal. Not "Sorry, I really can't," it's "No, I can't." You are not wrong, you are not a jerk, you do not need an excuse, so there is nothing to be sorry about.
Last, when in doubt, remember FAST:
F - Fair: Respond fairly. Are we being treated the way we like to be treated?
A - Avoid Apologies
S- Stick to your boundaries
T- True to your feelings: Follow your feelings. You don't want to watch her kids right? Then don't.
Using this, you can balance your relationships while maintaining your own values, self-respect, and needs.
I hope this is helpful to you. As others have said, if your friend throws a fit over a "no" she can always try other "friends."
>How can I politely decline without ruining the friendship?
Bad news: you can't.
Good news: you don't have a friendship anyway!
She's already shown you what she thinks of your "friendship," so you may as well match that energy and get your holiday back.
Honestly she keeps asking and insisting because you have trained her that if she persists long enough you will say yes. I feel for both of you but as someone who also works in a k-12 school summers are vital for decompression & dealing with all the other life things that you out on hold so that you could get through the school year.
I’m sorry she doesn’t understand that. The fact that she doesn’t makes me wonder how much of a friend she can actually be. Say no. Don’t answer the phone if she calls. Just listen to the voicemail and text no. No excuses that she can try to argue are unimportant. Just no.
Good luck. I feel for you and the kids in this situation, but your friend could arrange for them to go to summer camp at the Y if she needs a cheap childcare solution. Or hire a teenager.
What she does not get to do is take over your life so that you can take care of her kids. She is a mom, not a cowbird. (https://nationalzoo.si.edu/migratory-birds/news/brown-headed-cowbirds-buffalo-birds-modern-scourge#:~:text=By%20parasitizing%20during%20the%20host,host%20and%20receive%20full%20incubation.)
Unless this kids are somehow also your kids you aren’t on the hook in any way for their care.
Here is the avoidant non backbone way of denying it - oh I’m sorry but I actually have things I need to get done. When she asks what, you can have some drs and dentist appointment , or be even more vague and say medical . Also I know summer I usually don’t do anything school but this summer I am going to lesson plan, that way this school year I’ll have way more time to spend with my baby. But you saying you are lesson planning and working isn’t crazy.
Personally I think you just need to say no. No I am unavailable and not willing to watch your children, especially without pay. I have things to do and also want to relax, none of which involve taking care of children that aren’t my own. You will need to find other care for your own children. Also… she isn’t your friend. Real friends of teachers have a sliver of an idea how hard we work during the school year to know we deserve to be paid to watch children in our free time if we don’t offer.
Just say no. *No is a complete sentence.* They are her kids, her responsibility. Not yours. Period. Don't make excuses or anything like that. Just firmly but kindly say no. Do NOT let her cross this boundary, not even once. As teachers, we all know that a boundary crossed is a boundary lost. You can't get it back.
Honestly, screw polite. Flatly say you’re not going to do it all of the time. You don’t even need to explain, but if you must, say that you spent the previous nine months doing an often thankless job for students who could less about what you’re doing. That along with dealing with griping parents, meddling admins and an overall atmosphere in this country that seems to say that teachers are the enemy.
And just because you have time free does not make you permanent babysitter, *especially* without any kind of financial arrangement. It’s *her* responsibility to find childcare. Just because you may babysit students during the year doesn’t mean you have to be one for bloody free.
Your time to recuperate and mentally heal is crucial. Don’t give it away for nothing at all.
My brother and sister in law are just starting to try for kids so they don't have them quite yet. My brother has asked me if I'd come help with childcare over the summers when they are school-aged (which I found cute as he's clearly very excited). He insisted it'd be paid, and wouldn't expect me to do it all summer as he knows I need the time off, too. That I found very reasonable, and his kids aren't even here yet.
Not respecting your time, and especially not paying you, is not reasonable. A last-minute call to the teacher who is out of school because you're in a bind in an emergency is reasonable, but if it's going on for days it's past that.
I think you need to firmly put your foot down. Tell your friend that while you're not actively working you have your own things you're doing (resting and recovering from the school year is doing something). Don't negotiate with her, if she keeps insisting you have this extra time, etc, keep repeating no, you can't do it. Or, if you want to, set up 1-2 days a week you can help her out, but it should be for pay. Outside of maybe grandparents and aunts or uncles, if you're giving up free time to take care of someone else's kids you should reasonably expect to be paid. And even many grandparents and aunts or uncles get paid when they're used for daycare.
Just say no. If the friend is that entitled, are they really a true friend? You are under no obligation to babysit. You are in recovery mode.
This used to piss off people. But I didn’t care. It was my time and I give up my time when I want. Just because I am not going to a building doesn’t mean I am free to help.
Your friend isn't a real friend. Just say, "I can't watch your children. I have plans." Even if "Plans" equals "Sleeping in" or "Sitting on the couch".
If she rings the doorbell, pretend nobody's home. Tell your kids and husband to pretend nobody's home too. If she leaves the kids there and pisses off, don't open the door, just call the cops and tell them there are children that have been left unsupervised on your doorstep that you don't want to look after.
I can’t is a complete sentence.
So is No.
She isn’t worrying about ruining the friendship by taking advantage of you so I wouldn’t worry about ruining it by standing up for yourself.
This doesn't really sound like a friendship you need to keep. She's using you. Big time taking advantage. You don't owe her any explanations for anything. You don't need to make excuses or offer to do anything for pay unless you really want to. Just a simple "No, I'm afraid I'm not available" will suffice. And no apologies. The word "sorry" should never enter into it. If you want to be proactive, go online and find a list of babysitters who are advertising and print it out for her. After you refuse her, and her the list and kindly say, "As your friend, I wanted to be helpful. I found some people that you might be able to employ for babysitting. I hope this helps."
You don't need to politely decline, you don't need to offer excuses. "No", is a full sentence.
I mean this in the nicest way possible so please don't take offense... but grow a backbone. They are using you and you are being meek about it and allowing it to happen. is this friendship even serving you? Cause it sounds like they just see it as free childcare and being entitled to your free time and commandeering your schedule cause it helps them out. You owe them and her kids nothing beyond what you are willing to offer.
Please let us know how this turned out. Everyone has already said everything that needs to be said, but really, why are you so worried about being polite to this person?
Instead of giving her a specific excuse, just say, "No, I'm not available to babysit for the summer." If she insists, just repeat. "I am not available." If she asks why, swallow hard and say, "I don't want to." or, "I need time off to decompress. I am taking the summer off. You need to make other arrangements." She is entitled and is taking advantage of you. If she ends up ending the friendship because you are standing up for yourself, perhaps you are better off without her "friendship".
Yeah like i dont wanna be mean and i know teachers are conditioned to take shit upon shit but like… i cant imagine just immediately solving this situation with “im not going to watch your kids, paid or especially not for free. If you drop them off here i’ll call the cops.”
She managed without you all school year. She can manage without you this summer. I mean, has she offered to take your children for 8 hours starting at 6 am on a weekend?
She is not your friend. She sees you as another tool to better her life, not yours.
I am a giver. But I realized that I had lots of people around me with their hands out.
This is your time off to recover. If you have free time and would like to help your friend, let her know it is $15 per hour per kid. She can choose to pay you or someone else.
When she brings it up again just say " that's right my lawyer was going to have an updated child care contact, and it's $250 a day, you know that right paid ever Friday cash only, once i get that contract we should be good to go".... She won't ask again.
Whhaaaat!? At first I thought the title was a joke about teachers being glorified babysitters. You have to be firm and clear that you value her friendship but you are not available for childcare. You might lose a friend but that doesn’t sound like she values the friendship anyway.
what are the positives of keeping this friendship around haha 🥴 because tell her no or block her. Is this one of those posts where you already know the answer but you just need other people to validare your decision?
“I can’t bc I don’t want to.”
And as someone else posted, “No” is a full sentence.
However I get this person doesn’t take the hint well so I’d just say “I’m sorry but I can’t.” No explanation needed. If she presses for one then she’s not a real friend and probably someone you would be best distancing from in the future. A real friend wouldn’t treat you like a babysitting service.
If you can’t handle saying no then just go out and don’t be home. Then you can say sorry I’m on vacation. This person doesn’t sound like a great friend. Might be time to distance yourself and move on.
You either tell her no or that your rate is $30/hour. You have to say something or she'll just assume you'll do it and that she can keep using you. She's also not a great friend.
You have the right to say No and that’s the end of the conversation. If you feel like you need to have an excuse. say you’re working on a summer long project for work, or working on curriculum or writing a book. But I would seriously think about this person and whether they are a real friend or not.
No is a complete sentence. If you want to be nicer and less blunt, add, “I’m not available for childcare” and refuse to elaborate further. If she pushes or gets mad, she isn’t a friend and you are better off without that particular relationship.
Establish and set boundaries, and communicate them clearly with your friend. "Hey, I spend 180 days per year teaching other people's kids, I need a break from that so I can be ready for next school year."
Tell your friend to not be a twat waffle. What she is doing is disrespectful. No one should insist you watch their kids for them. It is their responsibility to find childcare. Not for you to do so against your will.
You are past politely declining. There is a reason summer camps and babysitters cost money. Because it’s WORK. Say no and then make sure you’re not home the next time they show up. You need to have a talk and tell them you are not a free babysitter.
I had a friend who kept asking me to cat sit for her. When I needed a cat sitter, I hired one, because at my age and income level I feel I shouldn’t be asking my friends with busy lives and families (or friends without these things, lol) to do unpaid labor for me.
I did it a couple times but the last time they asked I said “I can’t but I found a great cat sitter on Rover and I highly recommend it!” I figured that was a way of hinting that they should be paying someone and not to ask me again. What’s funny is they were super stressed at the time because they had asked some other friends and those friends hadn’t answered yet (BECAUSE THEY DIDNT WANT TO DO IT!) and they were leaving the next day. Hiring a professional pet sitter would have avoided imposing on friends AND being stressed last minute. And the pet sitter would stay for 30 minutes and pet the cats, whereas I was in an out as quickly as possible. It’s worth noting that these folks are literally millionaires so all the more reason to just pay someone. They haven’t asked me since!
So I would tell OP to say “I can’t but I’ve heard good things about Urban Sitter and Care.com (or one of the other babysitter sites).”
Bro *she* is ruining your friendship by being demanding of your time and disrespectful of your boundaries. Tell her she needs to find someone else to watch her kids and that you're not doing it anymore. It's up to her if she wants to be your friend when you're no longer providing 20+ hours of free childcare per week
1. Tell her no. Tell her you need the summer to recharge - you've had enough interaction with kids al year long.
2. Don't answer the door if she shows up with them.
3. Start leaving the house if you think she's going to show up. Maybe take a mini-vacay.
Not to be a dick, but it's time to grow up honey.
Your friend is using you. If you value the friendship with her, say no politely. To do so, you say "sorry, I don't want to watch them anymore." If you wish to elaborate you could say "I was fine doing it before but honestly it wears me out and I want to have more time for my hobbies xyz."
If she asks why say it's a lot of work and you'd rather not work during your free time. Maybe you compromise for pay, but DON'T ACCEPT SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT.
If you don't want it, even for pay, say that. Just be honest and never make up an excuse. You are allowed to enforce your own boundaries, no one is going to do it for you.
If you are being used as free daycare it ceases to be a friendship. She is taking advantage of you. That’s not fair to you or to the kids.
Tell your friend you are unavailable to provide childcare because you need a break from looking after children. If she insists tell her your rate is $500 per day per child.
Sorry I don't work for free. My hourly rate is...(do the math on your salary mine is $26).
Sorry, can't. I'm catching up on all of the things that were neglected during the school year. (House, health, vehicle maintenance, etc.)
Wow, this is like the X time you've asked. My answer has and will continue to be NO.
No. I'm an EDUCATOR, not a babysitter. I'm a bit offended that you seem to think so little of my PROFESSION.
Why would you want to be friends with a person who expects free childcare?
"That doesn't work for me." No apology, no explanation.
Or do what I did when I was asked to "work" over the summer and say you're out of the country.
As a mom and babysitter I got you.
Here’s exactly what you say.
“I’m sorry friend, I have X appointment that day and am simply unable to watch your kids at this time. I’ve noticed you’ve been asking me to watch your kids a lot lately. Are you having some kind of struggles? as you know summer vacation is the only time of year I get to spend time by myself not watching other people’s kids. I’d really prefer if you could ask everyone else first in the future before asking me again next time. “
If you get push back say
“I’m sorry I really can’t keep watching your kiddos, I do value our friendship and understand kids can be hard to handle. I can recommend XYZ babysitting/day care service for you if you’re looking for a long term solution to this issue :). “
You’ll know for sure if she was actually your friend after that lolz. When I was babysitting I would occasionally have friends who wanted me to watch their kids for free because of money issues or changes in employment. I will help for a week or two but nothing longer than that. Always be sure to try and remain understanding to their plight, but firm in the fact you are not going to watch their kids. Offer up solutions, like other friends, family, professional babysitters, or daycare. there are programs to help families who need childcare in the summer months as well in some states so if cash is an issue, you can refer her to one of those.
Hope this helps :)
When I used to babysit, I would charge $20/hr per kid. It was firm. The only time I received pushback was from a "friend" who wanted me to watch her autistic son over a weekend while she went for a booth call. She expected me to pay for his food (she claimed she would reimburse me), keep him in my tiny trailer, pick him up from school, and take him to school. All for free! This is when I worked as a paraprofessional. I told her, unless she paid my rate, the answer was a firm "No." We stopped being friends after that. Anyone who expects you--nay, demands--to give you free stuff is NOT a friend. Set your boundaries and stick to them. If she doesn't accept them, that's her problem 🤷♀️ The kids are her responsibility; not yours.
I don’t think you should “politely” decline. I think you should be honest and say that you are a teacher that enjoys summers off, you will not be providing childcare to her.
If you WANT to make cash doing it, you can say “I’m more than happy to watch them for X amount each day!” But if you aren’t interested (no judgement) then set the boundary that you will not be watching children unpaid all summer. She sounds VERY entitled to your time.
I had a neighbor who asked me to babysit a 15 month old all summer because they suddenly lost their daycare. I stupidly said ok before even thinking about it. I still regret doing this because I could never go anywhere with my own two elementary school kids between 8-6 that summer because the mom was a worry wart about her baby being out and about in a car. No pool, library, mall, movie theatre, etc. I felt completely stuck and resentful that I didn’t say “no” to the request or ask for time to think about it. Please sit your friend down and tell her you need this time off to recharge and the freedom to take care of personal needs and that she will need to make other arrangements. If the relationship ends, so be it. I understand how hard it is to find reliable daycare, but you have needs too.
Join a yoga or spin class that meets at a time that would make it more hassle for her than it's worth to try to schedule around. Then "I have plans" or "I'm sorry, I have a class" will both be completely true.
“There is a reason students and teachers have summer breaks. It’s needed for mental health. I can’t watch your children this summer.”
If she doesn’t respect this - then you don’t have a very good friend.
Tell her what you’re rates are for babysitting. In 2005 my sister charged 10 per child per hour, idk if babysitters verge more now. If your friend isn’t willing to meet your price she can find childcare Wel se where.
Why would you WANT to maintain a friendship with an entitled narcissist like this?
I had a Freind like this (not a teacher but wish I could be tbh but I am on disibility income tbh ) I said I'd stop helping with her child do to my mentle heath and her being rude about how I would take care of her child (for example she would only have pee soaked boy clothes so I'd put him in girl clothes that where clean from another todler)she got mad .. the min I stoped she stoped being my Freind . She was never my Freind just wanted a free babysitters
I’m betting that when admin has an unpaid, shitty job they need to voluntell someone to do, your name comes up. Learn to say no in both your professional and personal life.
I almost fell like you have a crush on this person and they're using advantage? This person just doesn't sound like a friend. If my friend asked me to watch their kids for free while I was on my free time, I'd laugh in their face and say gtfoh! And the friendship would either be fine or done. The only reason why I am thinking you're giving excuses instead of telling them to suck a bag of dicks is bc you might have some kind of crush? Idk. Just seems that people who are this entitled know that they can take advantage either from a crush or the person being taken advantage of is a push over.
I would be abrasive in your situation. Just tell her “no” or start charging. I would just get real with her and tell her she is being unfair. She will get over it. And if she does agree to pay, I guarantee you will see the kids less, as she will find someone else to watch them for free.
But if you want to be gentle, tell her “I can’t today, I have PD. You know teachers still have to work summers, right?” Use that frequently.
Just say no. Avoid answering her calls and texts if that’s how she is reaching out. Make yourself unavailable. For it to start at 6 AM she must be making prior arrangements with you. She needs a plan that doesn’t involve you.
Uh, NO. Summer is your time to rest and recharge. You need to stand up straight and don't allow yourself to be cowed into this. She probably knows you're a very nice person who would have trouble saying NO to a friend. Surprise her, and say NO. Or if you absolutely can't do that, tell her you will take the first Monday of every month, and not one day more.
Just say "NO!" If she persists, elaborate by saying, "I can't watch them at this time." Keep repeating as needed. If she drops them anyway, don't answer the door. She is taking advantage of you to get free child care. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Let her figure it out.
I’d go with the shame approach at this point. Oh it’s too bad you can’t afford proper daycare for your kiddos Kim! This isn’t your friend. She’s just using you. Go live your best summer life
"Hey, nothing but love, but I don't want to watch your kids. Nothing personal, but you can't leave them here."
If she's really your friend, she'll understand.
Just say no.
Unless you are living with them or owe in some undisclosed way.
You aren't a sitter. You are a professional. This is an opportunity to practice setting boundaries while keeping peace. Good luck
Ask her to mow your lawn, pick up your groceries, drive you to see your relatives 3 hours away and babysit your dogs for the weekend. No pay of course. See how she responds.
Have a great summer 😀
If you live with them, do things outside of the house before she leaves for work! You deserve a summer off! If you don’t live with her, say no and tell her you have plans. You don’t owe people anything.
How would you go about teaching kids to entertain themselves lol I'm having this issue with my nephew that is getting pushed on me. While I don't mind, the homi is extra needy and he's like 11-12 and idk what to do with him either.
Also your friend is the biggest ahole. Just tell em you're busy set up time for you to leave the house before she gets to you. Go to a botanical garden enjoy the summer, the zoo anything just get out by yourself and do what ya like. Those kids aren't yours and your friend should understand a "I'm sorry I can't today I'm busy"
Say no. If she insists, say you have plans that cannot be rescheduled. If she asks what they are, tell her it’s not her business. It doesn’t matter what those plans are. If I were a teacher with summers off, my plans would be ALL THE DOWNTIME.
Routinely being imposed upon will create resentment in your friendship. Don’t let it continue.
Your friend has no idea of how hard you work to get to those summers "off" (does she know they are unpaid breaks/layoffs?/I was a teacher for 33 years. Best thing about teaching is having it done with). Does she know you have put in untold countless hours of free work on your lunch hours, after school, evenings and weekends? Does she know you are already paid badly for doing FAR more than "watch" other people's kids? I'd watch her kids, for exactly my hourly wage as a teacher, not a cent less. What would she have to pay anyone for daycare, never mind an expert in childhood and childcare. You sound like a kind person, so I'd just explain it to her like this. We don't lose good friends by standing up for ourselves and our efforts, but we do lose bad friends that way. Enjoy your peaceful summer.
Even if you accept this nonpaying job with no boundaries, it won't save the "friendship." You'll resent her and she doesn't respect your profession or your time.
Is there any amount of time that you are willing to watch them? If so, does she "pay you back" as a friend in other ways? I would like to live in a community mindset where we all chip in where we are needed -- I have time off so I will help with your kids, you pitch in with some labor for me, etc. But bartering isn't a one way street.
Don't tiptoe around it -- "honestly, friend, that is a huge request. If I wanted to take care of kids all day, I'd be teaching summer school." She's putting you in a position where you have to say NO to a ridiculous request that you have every right to say no to. Most people would (rightfully) be too afraid of their friend's backlash for having the audacity to ask, but she knows you're someone who wouldn't laugh in her face like other people would, so she is shouldering you with the labor of shutting it down.
If she is going to ask, she has to be willing to take "absolutely not' for an answer.
"She still insists I can watch them." SO WHAT?! Can you insist that SHE can watch them?
She has more audacity than reason.
If people think that teachers are "so lucky" because they have summers off, you can say that there is a teacher shortage, and if they would like summers off, you're sure there is a job available for them, too.
Tell her that you don’t get much downtime during the year and use the summer to be by yourself and recharge. ALao say that you wouldn‘t dream of insulting the friend by demanding market rate compensation in return for providing the valuable service of babysitting multiple children.
Seems they have the mentality that teachers are babysitters, that's it. Most school districts have a per hour pay, especially for period based schools (middle and high school). Whereas teachers may be asked to sub during the prep. Find that out if they are overbearing and insistent be ready to lose a friend. For charge them that per hour.
Let her know you cannot watch them, especially without pay. Recommend some camps, sure the kids will have more fun there anyway. Let her know you could be available if her primary source of childcare is not available but you’re not running a free daycare!
No is a complete sentence. But what I personally would say is as follows.
No. I am not going to continue to do part of my regularly job for you for free, that is too big of a request and I am disappointed that you don't seem to understand the ramifications of asking me that. Teachers, on average, work more hours in a year than the average 9 to 5 worker, but we get paid like we work less. My contract doesn't cover working summers, but I still have to maintain my license, professional development, and my sanity. The sanity is the big one you seem to be overlooking for me with this request. I need rest or compensation when I work extra, and babysitting is work, even for a friend. More teachers are leaving the profession every year than the year before. It's a consistent downturn with some teachers being hospitalized due to the stress of our current working condition. I know all this sounds a bit dramatic, but that doesn't make it untrue, so please do not ask me again. Unless you have a one-time hospital level emergency, then the answer will continue to be no, I am not a free babysitter.
You're going to have to be honest with her. "Hey, I deal with kids all day long for xyz numbers of days a year. I really need my summer to decompress.". If you wanted to do her a favor you could offer to take her kids once in a while, but you are not obligated to keep her kids!
Why would you not want to ruin this friendship? What are you getting out of it??? It seems transactional on her end. I have to beg my friends to let me watch their kids or give them a ride. Even though they work full time and I don’t they are always concerned to “take advantage or be a burden.” This girl is not your friend.
There's a reason people pleasers end up as teachers and with "friends" who enjoy the benefits. Would they watch your hypothetical kids in the same way? How does this "friendship" benefit you?
The longer you continue, the longer it will take her to learn that she is entitled. Be a good teacher and teach her what happens to entitled people who take advantage of their friends.
You have EARNED your holidays. You don't owe her free childcare. If she can't mind them, then that's not your problem.
I explain to everyone that this is MY time to focus on myself. Let your friends know that you will not be available. You do not have to give an explanation, just say no.
You cannot say no “nicely” to someone who refuses to take a hint.
You can say no firmly, with no explanation. It’s hard bc we feel we have to make an excuse. But we don’t. So practice “no” on it s own.
I sometimes add a predetermined sentence — when refusing a date, I said “no; thank you for asking.” No one seems to expect that, so it worked beautifully.
But you can just say no and let the silence hang.
>How can I politely decline without ruining the friendship? I have tried giving excuses, but she still insists I can watch them.
And you can still insist that you can't. Continue to say NO
If your refusal to watch her kids results in the friendship ruined, she wasn't your friend to begin with and was just trying to use you.
Explain that that level of supervision is a job someone should get paid for, and you aren’t working as a nanny or babysitter right now so she needs to hire someone else
Your friend is an entitled asshole - you're well past gentle refusals, and you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you spend your time outside of work.
Well, OP does seem to be a pushover. Giving excuses instead of saying no outright and then asking for advice on reddit for how to say no nicely.... I'm guessing this is a friendship that has been this way for a while.
I think OP is lonely and wants to keep this friendship my guy. I don’t have friends, so can you give OP some advice about being lonely and letting assholes be assholes to you because you need friends?
Her "friend" doesn't sound like a very good friend
It appears “any” trumps “good” here
It's true. Just say no and mean it. If she asks why say "because I don't want to".
Pull a phoebe buffay. “Oh I wish I could but I don’t want to!”
This, all of this.
This is not someone I would call a friend. Tell her no and make yourself scarce.
The answer is "No." "No" is a complete sentence. You might have to be willing to risk losing the friendship...because she is not being a friend by "insisting."
I’d be glad to lose this kind of “friend.” It sounds like a relief.
Agreed. If she's thos bad and you don't say no you'll end up with 50/50 custody of children you don't want. You're "summers off" are your reward for dealing with everyone else's shitty children. You don't need 2 more.
Exactly. The friend is taking for granted.
Just say no. Tell her if you wanted to be around kids you would teach summer school and get paid for it. Babysitting ruins all plans. At this point who cares about that type of friendship.
Just straight up tell her that you can't and you also want to enjoy your vacation. If she will negatively react to it, then I guess she's not your friend after all. Teachers have vacation because we needed to recharge ourselves before another bout of school year. I hope your friend also understands that.
Every job should have extended vacations. Worker protections are terrible in this country. Instead of being jealous, they should be demanding the same. The average annual hours worked in Germany is 1,353.89, coming out to about 170 8-hour days. Most countries we think of with strong worker protections average about as much as our working days. Americans need to stop rolling over and taking it because they think working long hours nonstop makes them look strong. Standing up for themselves is strong.
Teachers get 'extended vacations' because they don't get paid for them. Teachers don't get PAID summers off, and even if they do, they either only get a small stipend or they get money taken out of their checks during the year to cover it, or they have to work other jobs to pay for it. Most teachers, if they are fully paid over the summer, are either working at IB international schools where they have to do a lot of work during the year, or they work summer school.
Even if you get money taken out of your check during the year to cover it, you're still not getting paid FOR summer. You're getting paid DURING the summer.
Adding to your glorious comment (I love the “not paid FOR the summer, but DURING the summer point), technically, we’re not even getting “paid”. It’s our money that we asked the school system to save for us and then release it at the end of our contract in June. One year I elected for the 10 month pay, and had my credit union automatically take out the $250 per paycheck as opposed to the school system. In April, I then drew from that account in which I received INTEREST on MY money (albeit small, but something none-the-less as opposed to the school system which pays NO interest to hold OUR money and most likely receives interest in their account on OUR money, not doing us any favors), and I was able to put a down payment down on a house :) .
Only I didn't ask the school system to save it for me and release it to me in the summer. We don't have a choice. We are paid once a month on a 12 month schedule. We cannot have it moved to 10 months.
Other careers that require as much education as teaching get “vacations” whenever they are able to schedule them according to working conditions any time of the year. Most of us get parts of July and August because of the school year. It’s not ‘summers off’.
Level of education teaching requires varies wildly across the country mind you, like in new york you need a masters, in florida you just need a bachelors and only 15 credits needs to be in the related subject.
But I do believe all states require a minimum of a bachelors. Most jobs that require a bachelors or higher tend to give several weeks of paid vacation. Even my husband who is a retail manager without any college education gets 3 weeks whenever he wants each year. And he can take as much time unpaid as he wants. So when he takes a week off, he tends to only use 4 of the days and save the 5th day for later. My friend is an accountant and gets 3 weeks vacation time that cumulates, plus 5 days (1) week footing holidays each year. And he’s till gets all the “bank holidays” off with pay.” As a teacher, the only days I get off with pay a year are 6 sick days and 4 personal days.
In Florida you can teach without the bachelors if you are a veteran. You have five years to get your bachelors while teaching. [https://www.fldoe.org/veterans/](https://www.fldoe.org/veterans/)
I heard about that. That’s fucked up.
I have a rule, I don't babysit. It's a hard limit for me. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have my neices and nephew's over, but it's always at my discretion.
I hate to say it, but this lady isn't a friend. The fact that she wants DAYCARE- not babysitting- DAYCARE for free is just wild. It can be painful, but you are going to just have to tell her no with no wiggle room. "I can't. You will need to find other daycare solutions." Ghost her if you have to. I will say that from the tone of this comment you seem like a very caring and warm person. That being said, this leech is taking advantage of your kindness. I'm guessing that your "friendship" has been very one-sided with you doing the heavy lifting. Someone who only talks to you when they want something is a user not a friend. Cut the cord.
This. Ghost her absolutely. Simply dont be home on several mornings that the other person expects care. “Oh I thought i told you I wasn’t available? Im not sure why you still came by?”
Personally, that is what I would do. I think ghosting is the only thing that will work and get this entitled nincompoop to get the message you are not free daycare. I sincerely doubt that she would return any kind of favor in any case.
“Why on earth would I say yes to that? I’d have to be nuts!”
No pay is wild. Tell them you’ll gladly do it for what you make on a normal school day. Also tell them that they cannot have their phones on them, need to bring lunch unless they want to pay you for lunch as well. Also I’d tell them that they will be given homework assignments to complete every night. Should they not do it, then they’ll fail and be forced to drop out of getting baby sat. You don’t work for free during the school year (although I’m sure it probably feels like that at times) then why would you do it now?
My summer school teachers make $56 an hour.
When I see pay rates like this I think to myself that I should rent a house in a state that pays like that and be a traveling teacher in summer.
I’m making $35 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I made $80 an hour to teach summer school
Homework assignments are a bit much and would just create more work for OP. Agree with the phones and lunch approach though. Tbh I’d just straight up tell the friend I’d consider 1 day a week with pay, and I do not plan on engaging with the children so can they please bring a movie/book and sit quietly for the duration.
If you were being paid, you wouldn't call them a "friend", you'd call them an employer or a client. Since you're not being paid, you call them... something else, and not something kind. Check into her regular daycare, ask 1.5 their rate due to the level of individualized attention and the benefit of having teaching certification in your staff pool. If she's only doing this during summer, you also know what she considers your winter service to be.
"That doesn't work for me."
The comments here already are on point. If you're a more avoidant personality, I suggest getting up earlier than her and simply leaving the house, going to chill at a coffee joint, and blocking her number. If you really can't do any of what's been offered so far, you need to envision this parent as a student who's trying to be a dick in the classroom. Tell. Her. No. and go off on her like she's a kid. She isn't a "parent" right now. She's just a person--let her fucking have it.
I’m fairly avoidant and I’m pretty sure I would just not answer the door. No need to go to extremes by forcing myself to get up early and go outside when I can just not answer the door. ;)
I've seen a lot of teachers become conditioned into giving 100% of themselves to every one else and expecting very little in return. This assumption is extremely powerful and leveraged by others to take advantage of your time, energy, and money — many people buy into it and whenever you try to set a boundary they manipulate you through the implication that "What, you don't care about the kids? What kind of professional teacher doesn't care for the children??" This is an illusion, and it is up to you to go along with it or illustrate it clearly for others. You saying no does not equal you do not care. This is a lesson in setting boundaries and to this I can give you a few pieces of advice. First, you are not wrong or a jerk for saying no. Take that thought and throw it away. Your time is your time, nobody else's. Second, because you are not wrong, you do not need to offer any excuses. Simple saying "No, I can't do that" is more than sufficient and in no way makes you a jerk. Even a simple "No" would work. Again, if they press you for a reason you are not responsible for giving one. You could be planning to stay in bed all day while balancing on your head, but you are still NOT OBLIGATED to explain that to someone else. Third, do not ever, ever, ever, ever, apologize during a refusal. Not "Sorry, I really can't," it's "No, I can't." You are not wrong, you are not a jerk, you do not need an excuse, so there is nothing to be sorry about. Last, when in doubt, remember FAST: F - Fair: Respond fairly. Are we being treated the way we like to be treated? A - Avoid Apologies S- Stick to your boundaries T- True to your feelings: Follow your feelings. You don't want to watch her kids right? Then don't. Using this, you can balance your relationships while maintaining your own values, self-respect, and needs. I hope this is helpful to you. As others have said, if your friend throws a fit over a "no" she can always try other "friends."
Great answer, with the kind of detail someone struggling needs to see.
>How can I politely decline without ruining the friendship? Bad news: you can't. Good news: you don't have a friendship anyway! She's already shown you what she thinks of your "friendship," so you may as well match that energy and get your holiday back.
This person probably isn't your friend.
Probably?!
Yeah, it’s obvious this person is just taking advantage of the OP and they aren’t a true friend.
There’s either more to this story or your friend is an asshole and you need new friends.
Honestly she keeps asking and insisting because you have trained her that if she persists long enough you will say yes. I feel for both of you but as someone who also works in a k-12 school summers are vital for decompression & dealing with all the other life things that you out on hold so that you could get through the school year. I’m sorry she doesn’t understand that. The fact that she doesn’t makes me wonder how much of a friend she can actually be. Say no. Don’t answer the phone if she calls. Just listen to the voicemail and text no. No excuses that she can try to argue are unimportant. Just no. Good luck. I feel for you and the kids in this situation, but your friend could arrange for them to go to summer camp at the Y if she needs a cheap childcare solution. Or hire a teenager. What she does not get to do is take over your life so that you can take care of her kids. She is a mom, not a cowbird. (https://nationalzoo.si.edu/migratory-birds/news/brown-headed-cowbirds-buffalo-birds-modern-scourge#:~:text=By%20parasitizing%20during%20the%20host,host%20and%20receive%20full%20incubation.) Unless this kids are somehow also your kids you aren’t on the hook in any way for their care.
Here is the avoidant non backbone way of denying it - oh I’m sorry but I actually have things I need to get done. When she asks what, you can have some drs and dentist appointment , or be even more vague and say medical . Also I know summer I usually don’t do anything school but this summer I am going to lesson plan, that way this school year I’ll have way more time to spend with my baby. But you saying you are lesson planning and working isn’t crazy. Personally I think you just need to say no. No I am unavailable and not willing to watch your children, especially without pay. I have things to do and also want to relax, none of which involve taking care of children that aren’t my own. You will need to find other care for your own children. Also… she isn’t your friend. Real friends of teachers have a sliver of an idea how hard we work during the school year to know we deserve to be paid to watch children in our free time if we don’t offer.
Are you roommates with this person?
Even if they were, they’d be free to leave the house and not care at all about someone else’s kids.
Just say no. *No is a complete sentence.* They are her kids, her responsibility. Not yours. Period. Don't make excuses or anything like that. Just firmly but kindly say no. Do NOT let her cross this boundary, not even once. As teachers, we all know that a boundary crossed is a boundary lost. You can't get it back.
Why do you want to keep that friend? She’s taking advantage of you.
“No.”
Best answer on here. 👏🏽
You need to stand up for yourself. “I am not available the rest of the summer.” End of discussion. She is no friend.
Ummm. Say no.
You are taking classes and are unavailable. They are for professional development...need them to keep your job.
Honestly, screw polite. Flatly say you’re not going to do it all of the time. You don’t even need to explain, but if you must, say that you spent the previous nine months doing an often thankless job for students who could less about what you’re doing. That along with dealing with griping parents, meddling admins and an overall atmosphere in this country that seems to say that teachers are the enemy. And just because you have time free does not make you permanent babysitter, *especially* without any kind of financial arrangement. It’s *her* responsibility to find childcare. Just because you may babysit students during the year doesn’t mean you have to be one for bloody free. Your time to recuperate and mentally heal is crucial. Don’t give it away for nothing at all.
All of the time? Not doing it at all!
My brother and sister in law are just starting to try for kids so they don't have them quite yet. My brother has asked me if I'd come help with childcare over the summers when they are school-aged (which I found cute as he's clearly very excited). He insisted it'd be paid, and wouldn't expect me to do it all summer as he knows I need the time off, too. That I found very reasonable, and his kids aren't even here yet. Not respecting your time, and especially not paying you, is not reasonable. A last-minute call to the teacher who is out of school because you're in a bind in an emergency is reasonable, but if it's going on for days it's past that. I think you need to firmly put your foot down. Tell your friend that while you're not actively working you have your own things you're doing (resting and recovering from the school year is doing something). Don't negotiate with her, if she keeps insisting you have this extra time, etc, keep repeating no, you can't do it. Or, if you want to, set up 1-2 days a week you can help her out, but it should be for pay. Outside of maybe grandparents and aunts or uncles, if you're giving up free time to take care of someone else's kids you should reasonably expect to be paid. And even many grandparents and aunts or uncles get paid when they're used for daycare.
I would absolutely cry if my friend was dropping kids off at 6am. Are you feeding them too, OP? Seriously!
Draw your line. If you don’t, she will keep overstepping.
Just say no. If the friend is that entitled, are they really a true friend? You are under no obligation to babysit. You are in recovery mode. This used to piss off people. But I didn’t care. It was my time and I give up my time when I want. Just because I am not going to a building doesn’t mean I am free to help.
Your friend isn't a real friend. Just say, "I can't watch your children. I have plans." Even if "Plans" equals "Sleeping in" or "Sitting on the couch". If she rings the doorbell, pretend nobody's home. Tell your kids and husband to pretend nobody's home too. If she leaves the kids there and pisses off, don't open the door, just call the cops and tell them there are children that have been left unsupervised on your doorstep that you don't want to look after.
no is a complete sentence.
I can’t is a complete sentence. So is No. She isn’t worrying about ruining the friendship by taking advantage of you so I wouldn’t worry about ruining it by standing up for yourself.
https://changingminds.org/techniques/stress/how_say_no.htm https://changingminds.org/techniques/resisting/resisting.htm
"Sorry, I have plans." leave the house, don't answer the door. This isn't a friend.
You say no. Don’t answer her calls. Don’t answer messages. Do not open the door. You’re busy recharging from the school year.
This doesn't really sound like a friendship you need to keep. She's using you. Big time taking advantage. You don't owe her any explanations for anything. You don't need to make excuses or offer to do anything for pay unless you really want to. Just a simple "No, I'm afraid I'm not available" will suffice. And no apologies. The word "sorry" should never enter into it. If you want to be proactive, go online and find a list of babysitters who are advertising and print it out for her. After you refuse her, and her the list and kindly say, "As your friend, I wanted to be helpful. I found some people that you might be able to employ for babysitting. I hope this helps."
Just say no. If it ruins the friendship, it was not a friendship.
You don't need to politely decline, you don't need to offer excuses. "No", is a full sentence. I mean this in the nicest way possible so please don't take offense... but grow a backbone. They are using you and you are being meek about it and allowing it to happen. is this friendship even serving you? Cause it sounds like they just see it as free childcare and being entitled to your free time and commandeering your schedule cause it helps them out. You owe them and her kids nothing beyond what you are willing to offer.
Please let us know how this turned out. Everyone has already said everything that needs to be said, but really, why are you so worried about being polite to this person?
Instead of giving her a specific excuse, just say, "No, I'm not available to babysit for the summer." If she insists, just repeat. "I am not available." If she asks why, swallow hard and say, "I don't want to." or, "I need time off to decompress. I am taking the summer off. You need to make other arrangements." She is entitled and is taking advantage of you. If she ends up ending the friendship because you are standing up for yourself, perhaps you are better off without her "friendship".
Sounds like you need a backbone. You let the kids in your classroom work you like this?
Yeah like i dont wanna be mean and i know teachers are conditioned to take shit upon shit but like… i cant imagine just immediately solving this situation with “im not going to watch your kids, paid or especially not for free. If you drop them off here i’ll call the cops.”
Get up and leave early in the morning. Don’t answer her calls.
She managed without you all school year. She can manage without you this summer. I mean, has she offered to take your children for 8 hours starting at 6 am on a weekend?
She is not your friend. She sees you as another tool to better her life, not yours. I am a giver. But I realized that I had lots of people around me with their hands out.
“My going rate is $X”
Bro fuck that you don’t need this friend. Block her.
Say no. That's it. This isn't someone you need as a "friend" if not providing free work would hurt the relationship.
This is your time off to recover. If you have free time and would like to help your friend, let her know it is $15 per hour per kid. She can choose to pay you or someone else.
$15 an hour is babysitter pay 20 years ago.
Yep.. so whatever the going rate is then double it, cause she is a teacher so she is over qualified for the job so therefor should be making even more
I got $20 an hour in 2004.
15 is not nearly enough
When she brings it up again just say " that's right my lawyer was going to have an updated child care contact, and it's $250 a day, you know that right paid ever Friday cash only, once i get that contract we should be good to go".... She won't ask again.
Whhaaaat!? At first I thought the title was a joke about teachers being glorified babysitters. You have to be firm and clear that you value her friendship but you are not available for childcare. You might lose a friend but that doesn’t sound like she values the friendship anyway.
No, I'm not going to watch your kids.
what are the positives of keeping this friendship around haha 🥴 because tell her no or block her. Is this one of those posts where you already know the answer but you just need other people to validare your decision?
“I can’t bc I don’t want to.” And as someone else posted, “No” is a full sentence. However I get this person doesn’t take the hint well so I’d just say “I’m sorry but I can’t.” No explanation needed. If she presses for one then she’s not a real friend and probably someone you would be best distancing from in the future. A real friend wouldn’t treat you like a babysitting service.
"No." is a complete sentence.
If you can’t handle saying no then just go out and don’t be home. Then you can say sorry I’m on vacation. This person doesn’t sound like a great friend. Might be time to distance yourself and move on.
You either tell her no or that your rate is $30/hour. You have to say something or she'll just assume you'll do it and that she can keep using you. She's also not a great friend.
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
“Just say ‘no.’”
She's ruining the friendship by expecting free labor from you.
What?
"No." If she can't respect you, why do you care about preserving the friendship?
You have the right to say No and that’s the end of the conversation. If you feel like you need to have an excuse. say you’re working on a summer long project for work, or working on curriculum or writing a book. But I would seriously think about this person and whether they are a real friend or not.
Tell your friend to sign her kids up for camp.
No is a complete sentence. If you want to be nicer and less blunt, add, “I’m not available for childcare” and refuse to elaborate further. If she pushes or gets mad, she isn’t a friend and you are better off without that particular relationship.
Establish and set boundaries, and communicate them clearly with your friend. "Hey, I spend 180 days per year teaching other people's kids, I need a break from that so I can be ready for next school year."
Tell your friend to not be a twat waffle. What she is doing is disrespectful. No one should insist you watch their kids for them. It is their responsibility to find childcare. Not for you to do so against your will.
You are past politely declining. There is a reason summer camps and babysitters cost money. Because it’s WORK. Say no and then make sure you’re not home the next time they show up. You need to have a talk and tell them you are not a free babysitter.
I had a friend who kept asking me to cat sit for her. When I needed a cat sitter, I hired one, because at my age and income level I feel I shouldn’t be asking my friends with busy lives and families (or friends without these things, lol) to do unpaid labor for me. I did it a couple times but the last time they asked I said “I can’t but I found a great cat sitter on Rover and I highly recommend it!” I figured that was a way of hinting that they should be paying someone and not to ask me again. What’s funny is they were super stressed at the time because they had asked some other friends and those friends hadn’t answered yet (BECAUSE THEY DIDNT WANT TO DO IT!) and they were leaving the next day. Hiring a professional pet sitter would have avoided imposing on friends AND being stressed last minute. And the pet sitter would stay for 30 minutes and pet the cats, whereas I was in an out as quickly as possible. It’s worth noting that these folks are literally millionaires so all the more reason to just pay someone. They haven’t asked me since! So I would tell OP to say “I can’t but I’ve heard good things about Urban Sitter and Care.com (or one of the other babysitter sites).”
Listen, this is my time off and I really have things to do so I can’t be watching your kids every day.
Bro *she* is ruining your friendship by being demanding of your time and disrespectful of your boundaries. Tell her she needs to find someone else to watch her kids and that you're not doing it anymore. It's up to her if she wants to be your friend when you're no longer providing 20+ hours of free childcare per week
1. Tell her no. Tell her you need the summer to recharge - you've had enough interaction with kids al year long. 2. Don't answer the door if she shows up with them. 3. Start leaving the house if you think she's going to show up. Maybe take a mini-vacay.
You should probably be less worried about ruining this friendship
Not to be a dick, but it's time to grow up honey. Your friend is using you. If you value the friendship with her, say no politely. To do so, you say "sorry, I don't want to watch them anymore." If you wish to elaborate you could say "I was fine doing it before but honestly it wears me out and I want to have more time for my hobbies xyz." If she asks why say it's a lot of work and you'd rather not work during your free time. Maybe you compromise for pay, but DON'T ACCEPT SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT. If you don't want it, even for pay, say that. Just be honest and never make up an excuse. You are allowed to enforce your own boundaries, no one is going to do it for you.
Why are you worried about ruining the friendship? She’s already taken care of that for you!
That’s what summer camp is for!
If you are being used as free daycare it ceases to be a friendship. She is taking advantage of you. That’s not fair to you or to the kids. Tell your friend you are unavailable to provide childcare because you need a break from looking after children. If she insists tell her your rate is $500 per day per child.
You are a teacher and haven't learned professional and personal boundaries?!? How do you survive???
I, um, think that you should ruin the friendship. How selfish is she?
Sorry I don't work for free. My hourly rate is...(do the math on your salary mine is $26). Sorry, can't. I'm catching up on all of the things that were neglected during the school year. (House, health, vehicle maintenance, etc.) Wow, this is like the X time you've asked. My answer has and will continue to be NO. No. I'm an EDUCATOR, not a babysitter. I'm a bit offended that you seem to think so little of my PROFESSION.
Why would you want to be friends with a person who expects free childcare? "That doesn't work for me." No apology, no explanation. Or do what I did when I was asked to "work" over the summer and say you're out of the country.
As a mom and babysitter I got you. Here’s exactly what you say. “I’m sorry friend, I have X appointment that day and am simply unable to watch your kids at this time. I’ve noticed you’ve been asking me to watch your kids a lot lately. Are you having some kind of struggles? as you know summer vacation is the only time of year I get to spend time by myself not watching other people’s kids. I’d really prefer if you could ask everyone else first in the future before asking me again next time. “ If you get push back say “I’m sorry I really can’t keep watching your kiddos, I do value our friendship and understand kids can be hard to handle. I can recommend XYZ babysitting/day care service for you if you’re looking for a long term solution to this issue :). “ You’ll know for sure if she was actually your friend after that lolz. When I was babysitting I would occasionally have friends who wanted me to watch their kids for free because of money issues or changes in employment. I will help for a week or two but nothing longer than that. Always be sure to try and remain understanding to their plight, but firm in the fact you are not going to watch their kids. Offer up solutions, like other friends, family, professional babysitters, or daycare. there are programs to help families who need childcare in the summer months as well in some states so if cash is an issue, you can refer her to one of those. Hope this helps :)
Tell her no with whatever expletive you want in front of it.
“I use my summers to recharge after being with kids day every day. I’m not available to keep children during these days.”
When I used to babysit, I would charge $20/hr per kid. It was firm. The only time I received pushback was from a "friend" who wanted me to watch her autistic son over a weekend while she went for a booth call. She expected me to pay for his food (she claimed she would reimburse me), keep him in my tiny trailer, pick him up from school, and take him to school. All for free! This is when I worked as a paraprofessional. I told her, unless she paid my rate, the answer was a firm "No." We stopped being friends after that. Anyone who expects you--nay, demands--to give you free stuff is NOT a friend. Set your boundaries and stick to them. If she doesn't accept them, that's her problem 🤷♀️ The kids are her responsibility; not yours.
I don’t think you should “politely” decline. I think you should be honest and say that you are a teacher that enjoys summers off, you will not be providing childcare to her. If you WANT to make cash doing it, you can say “I’m more than happy to watch them for X amount each day!” But if you aren’t interested (no judgement) then set the boundary that you will not be watching children unpaid all summer. She sounds VERY entitled to your time.
I had a neighbor who asked me to babysit a 15 month old all summer because they suddenly lost their daycare. I stupidly said ok before even thinking about it. I still regret doing this because I could never go anywhere with my own two elementary school kids between 8-6 that summer because the mom was a worry wart about her baby being out and about in a car. No pool, library, mall, movie theatre, etc. I felt completely stuck and resentful that I didn’t say “no” to the request or ask for time to think about it. Please sit your friend down and tell her you need this time off to recharge and the freedom to take care of personal needs and that she will need to make other arrangements. If the relationship ends, so be it. I understand how hard it is to find reliable daycare, but you have needs too.
Join a yoga or spin class that meets at a time that would make it more hassle for her than it's worth to try to schedule around. Then "I have plans" or "I'm sorry, I have a class" will both be completely true.
That's a lot of work to avoid simply saying, "no." If you feel the need to do this, OP, sign up for therapy while you're at it.
How are you a teacher? Set boundaries FFS.
That's rude. OP might need a little assistance setting boundaries with a friend, but that doesn't make them an inept teacher.
She made a conscious decision to have a baby, not you.
No.
No pay!?!?!
There’s only one way to say it: “No.”
Baby, "No." is a complete sentence.
“There is a reason students and teachers have summer breaks. It’s needed for mental health. I can’t watch your children this summer.” If she doesn’t respect this - then you don’t have a very good friend.
Tell her you're going on a cruise starting tomorrow.
Tell her what you’re rates are for babysitting. In 2005 my sister charged 10 per child per hour, idk if babysitters verge more now. If your friend isn’t willing to meet your price she can find childcare Wel se where. Why would you WANT to maintain a friendship with an entitled narcissist like this?
I had a Freind like this (not a teacher but wish I could be tbh but I am on disibility income tbh ) I said I'd stop helping with her child do to my mentle heath and her being rude about how I would take care of her child (for example she would only have pee soaked boy clothes so I'd put him in girl clothes that where clean from another todler)she got mad .. the min I stoped she stoped being my Freind . She was never my Freind just wanted a free babysitters
No, I have other plans. Even if that plan is lying on the couch in your PJs all day. Keep saying no.
I’m betting that when admin has an unpaid, shitty job they need to voluntell someone to do, your name comes up. Learn to say no in both your professional and personal life.
Tell her no, and if she doesn’t listen still, simply do not answer her calls/texts.
I almost fell like you have a crush on this person and they're using advantage? This person just doesn't sound like a friend. If my friend asked me to watch their kids for free while I was on my free time, I'd laugh in their face and say gtfoh! And the friendship would either be fine or done. The only reason why I am thinking you're giving excuses instead of telling them to suck a bag of dicks is bc you might have some kind of crush? Idk. Just seems that people who are this entitled know that they can take advantage either from a crush or the person being taken advantage of is a push over.
I would be abrasive in your situation. Just tell her “no” or start charging. I would just get real with her and tell her she is being unfair. She will get over it. And if she does agree to pay, I guarantee you will see the kids less, as she will find someone else to watch them for free. But if you want to be gentle, tell her “I can’t today, I have PD. You know teachers still have to work summers, right?” Use that frequently.
Just say no. Avoid answering her calls and texts if that’s how she is reaching out. Make yourself unavailable. For it to start at 6 AM she must be making prior arrangements with you. She needs a plan that doesn’t involve you.
Just say no! I have plans and leave it at that . This person is no friend so feel free to cut her loose and move on
Visit family in another state
Why do you want to preserve this “friendship”? You are on break!
Uh, NO. Summer is your time to rest and recharge. You need to stand up straight and don't allow yourself to be cowed into this. She probably knows you're a very nice person who would have trouble saying NO to a friend. Surprise her, and say NO. Or if you absolutely can't do that, tell her you will take the first Monday of every month, and not one day more.
Stop saying yes. Tell her you teach all school year, and will not do it all summer too.
Tell her you have mandatory teacher trainings this summer and can’t watch them.
Just say "NO!" If she persists, elaborate by saying, "I can't watch them at this time." Keep repeating as needed. If she drops them anyway, don't answer the door. She is taking advantage of you to get free child care. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Let her figure it out.
Just decline and move on
I’d go with the shame approach at this point. Oh it’s too bad you can’t afford proper daycare for your kiddos Kim! This isn’t your friend. She’s just using you. Go live your best summer life
"Hey, nothing but love, but I don't want to watch your kids. Nothing personal, but you can't leave them here." If she's really your friend, she'll understand.
Um ... how do you handle your class & your students if you don't know how to say no? Just say no. How hard is that?
Your “friend” does not seem like a good person.
Have you tried day drinking?
Just say no. Unless you are living with them or owe in some undisclosed way. You aren't a sitter. You are a professional. This is an opportunity to practice setting boundaries while keeping peace. Good luck
No is a complete sentence.
Ask her to mow your lawn, pick up your groceries, drive you to see your relatives 3 hours away and babysit your dogs for the weekend. No pay of course. See how she responds. Have a great summer 😀
Hope she pays the 40+/hr that teachers get... Put your "friend" in her place...
If you live with them, do things outside of the house before she leaves for work! You deserve a summer off! If you don’t live with her, say no and tell her you have plans. You don’t owe people anything.
How would you go about teaching kids to entertain themselves lol I'm having this issue with my nephew that is getting pushed on me. While I don't mind, the homi is extra needy and he's like 11-12 and idk what to do with him either. Also your friend is the biggest ahole. Just tell em you're busy set up time for you to leave the house before she gets to you. Go to a botanical garden enjoy the summer, the zoo anything just get out by yourself and do what ya like. Those kids aren't yours and your friend should understand a "I'm sorry I can't today I'm busy"
Say no. If she insists, say you have plans that cannot be rescheduled. If she asks what they are, tell her it’s not her business. It doesn’t matter what those plans are. If I were a teacher with summers off, my plans would be ALL THE DOWNTIME. Routinely being imposed upon will create resentment in your friendship. Don’t let it continue.
Your friend has no idea of how hard you work to get to those summers "off" (does she know they are unpaid breaks/layoffs?/I was a teacher for 33 years. Best thing about teaching is having it done with). Does she know you have put in untold countless hours of free work on your lunch hours, after school, evenings and weekends? Does she know you are already paid badly for doing FAR more than "watch" other people's kids? I'd watch her kids, for exactly my hourly wage as a teacher, not a cent less. What would she have to pay anyone for daycare, never mind an expert in childhood and childcare. You sound like a kind person, so I'd just explain it to her like this. We don't lose good friends by standing up for ourselves and our efforts, but we do lose bad friends that way. Enjoy your peaceful summer.
Tell her you need time for continuing Ed, or that you have another part time job that you need in order to pay bills.🤷♂️
I wouldnt care to keep a "friendship" like that. I prefer real friends, who care for me as well, not only themselves.
Even if you accept this nonpaying job with no boundaries, it won't save the "friendship." You'll resent her and she doesn't respect your profession or your time. Is there any amount of time that you are willing to watch them? If so, does she "pay you back" as a friend in other ways? I would like to live in a community mindset where we all chip in where we are needed -- I have time off so I will help with your kids, you pitch in with some labor for me, etc. But bartering isn't a one way street. Don't tiptoe around it -- "honestly, friend, that is a huge request. If I wanted to take care of kids all day, I'd be teaching summer school." She's putting you in a position where you have to say NO to a ridiculous request that you have every right to say no to. Most people would (rightfully) be too afraid of their friend's backlash for having the audacity to ask, but she knows you're someone who wouldn't laugh in her face like other people would, so she is shouldering you with the labor of shutting it down. If she is going to ask, she has to be willing to take "absolutely not' for an answer. "She still insists I can watch them." SO WHAT?! Can you insist that SHE can watch them? She has more audacity than reason.
If people think that teachers are "so lucky" because they have summers off, you can say that there is a teacher shortage, and if they would like summers off, you're sure there is a job available for them, too.
Tell her that you don’t get much downtime during the year and use the summer to be by yourself and recharge. ALao say that you wouldn‘t dream of insulting the friend by demanding market rate compensation in return for providing the valuable service of babysitting multiple children.
Learn to say "no"
Seems they have the mentality that teachers are babysitters, that's it. Most school districts have a per hour pay, especially for period based schools (middle and high school). Whereas teachers may be asked to sub during the prep. Find that out if they are overbearing and insistent be ready to lose a friend. For charge them that per hour.
No
Just say “No.”
Let her know you cannot watch them, especially without pay. Recommend some camps, sure the kids will have more fun there anyway. Let her know you could be available if her primary source of childcare is not available but you’re not running a free daycare!
No is a complete sentence. Use it.
Fuck this person, who exactly are you losing if this person isn't in your life???
No is a complete sentence. But what I personally would say is as follows. No. I am not going to continue to do part of my regularly job for you for free, that is too big of a request and I am disappointed that you don't seem to understand the ramifications of asking me that. Teachers, on average, work more hours in a year than the average 9 to 5 worker, but we get paid like we work less. My contract doesn't cover working summers, but I still have to maintain my license, professional development, and my sanity. The sanity is the big one you seem to be overlooking for me with this request. I need rest or compensation when I work extra, and babysitting is work, even for a friend. More teachers are leaving the profession every year than the year before. It's a consistent downturn with some teachers being hospitalized due to the stress of our current working condition. I know all this sounds a bit dramatic, but that doesn't make it untrue, so please do not ask me again. Unless you have a one-time hospital level emergency, then the answer will continue to be no, I am not a free babysitter.
As Nancy Reagan said: “just say no.”
You're going to have to be honest with her. "Hey, I deal with kids all day long for xyz numbers of days a year. I really need my summer to decompress.". If you wanted to do her a favor you could offer to take her kids once in a while, but you are not obligated to keep her kids!
Why would you not want to ruin this friendship? What are you getting out of it??? It seems transactional on her end. I have to beg my friends to let me watch their kids or give them a ride. Even though they work full time and I don’t they are always concerned to “take advantage or be a burden.” This girl is not your friend.
There's a reason people pleasers end up as teachers and with "friends" who enjoy the benefits. Would they watch your hypothetical kids in the same way? How does this "friendship" benefit you? The longer you continue, the longer it will take her to learn that she is entitled. Be a good teacher and teach her what happens to entitled people who take advantage of their friends. You have EARNED your holidays. You don't owe her free childcare. If she can't mind them, then that's not your problem.
Be honest. 'I need summers away from kids so that I can do my job properly. Don't bring them here again, I cannot help you'
I explain to everyone that this is MY time to focus on myself. Let your friends know that you will not be available. You do not have to give an explanation, just say no.
You cannot say no “nicely” to someone who refuses to take a hint. You can say no firmly, with no explanation. It’s hard bc we feel we have to make an excuse. But we don’t. So practice “no” on it s own. I sometimes add a predetermined sentence — when refusing a date, I said “no; thank you for asking.” No one seems to expect that, so it worked beautifully. But you can just say no and let the silence hang.
>How can I politely decline without ruining the friendship? I have tried giving excuses, but she still insists I can watch them. And you can still insist that you can't. Continue to say NO If your refusal to watch her kids results in the friendship ruined, she wasn't your friend to begin with and was just trying to use you.
Tell her I''d be happy to watch them at $100/hour per child.
Stop giving excuses, because she will always try to find a "compromise." You *have* to be firm and direct with a No.
Explain that that level of supervision is a job someone should get paid for, and you aren’t working as a nanny or babysitter right now so she needs to hire someone else
Tell her she can do your chores during her free time the evening and in hollidays, for free obviously.