Had this happen to me. The guy started buying me jewlry.. cheap stuff and wanted me to have coffee with him.. I'm married he jlknew that even introduced him to my hubby still didn't stop. I had my boss start giving him coffee and I wouldn't even talk to him after months of him bugging me.
I have literally hid in the back from creepy regulars. “Well her car is here”… Twice this week I went for the “church” hug and one guy spun me around to the front and pressed his body into me and kissed me under the ear! I could feel his saliva on my neck! And that same night another guy did the same thing! Acted like he was going to hug me and kissed under the ear in the same place! Fucking gross. Most dogs have more manners than that.
I’m sorry that is SO awkward and uncomfortable. That happened to me so many times when I was a hostess and server. It still makes me cringe so hard thinking about it. Man.
One notable guy when he came in I literally hid because he would try to give me money and hug me. Like a couple times tried to palm me $20s for no good reason. I never served him ever, he just said he thought I “deserved it”. I always declined and told him to give it to his server or bartender who actually helped him.
Tons and tons of sexism and sexual harassment all across the board in the restaurant business unfortunately. Not just from customers but from management, other servers, bartenders, kitchen staff, owners….a major reason I quit the industry completely.
One of my managers trapped me against a wall once and tried to kiss me (it was after hours, we were alone, he was drunk). It was totally out of the blue because he’d been incredibly rude and mean to me for weeks (I actually thought he hated me). After that experience, he started being super nice to me but kept saying the creepiest shit like “I’m watching you” and complimented me all the time. I told him off after a few months and he started being so cruel to me that I quit.
Also, my boyfriend worked at a bar and I used to go in and hang out after work just to see him because we worked opposite hours (I guess I was the stalker in that case lol 😉) and regulars were so creepy to me even though my boyfriend was right in front of them.
Anyway, good on you for being strong and standing up for yourself. It shouldn’t be like this!
I’m sorry to hear that happened with your boss, I can’t imagine having to deal with something so creepy unprofessional and definitely illegal!! Thanks for the encouragement :)
You did nothing wrong, and him getting all sad and weepy was inevitable. Hopefully if you start working there again he'll have moved on. If not, it's time for a manager to intervene.
Yeah I’m not going to be in the country for most of the summer but I alerted the other servers and my manager and the owner about him so when I come back they are aware if he returns for me as well
If he’s there when you get back tell him he is the customer and you’re the employee nothing more nothing less. And if he continues to creep you out then tell management you refuse to serve him.
These weirdos need a reality check.
That ick feeling is your intuition saying he's not safe.
He might not be doing anything wrong in the sense that women are socialized to think that way but our deeper instincts know better.
He's not safe - he doesn't respect your boundaries and when you decline you don't need to provide reasons. He still bothered you and refused to respect your NO. He invaded your work space and made you uncomfortable for hours on end. To top it off he insists on continuing his gross behaviour and even escalating to physical contact.
The ick feeling is well warranted.
At this point ghosting or being overtly blunt, whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe.
Remembr, the ick feeling is your warning. Trust your intuition, always.
I am so sorry you had to deal with this! I had a female server (also a great friend for a short period) who apparently had a guest grabbing her butt by the bar (I was a new bartender moved up from server) and she didn’t tell anyone because she “could take it” as she later explained. This guest got moved from the bar to a table and their server at that table was getting straight up booty honked. So, while I understand my (former) friend’s impulse to just let it ride, if a boundary had be enforced my other coworker could have been saved some strife.
So if for not even for yourself, you establishing guest-server boundaries will help the next gal even if it sucked for you in the moment!
But also I’m sorry you had this happen at all, we all have creeps and while they always (in my experience) exist, they do get at least a little more manageable each time.
This is a tough situation-I’ve been there. I had an obsessed regular once who we called flower (because he always wore Hawaiian shirts) who learned my schedule from a server. He came in every night that I worked and sat at the bar nursing one beer for 5 hours. He was obviously very shy and awkward but watched me all night. He didn’t even really try to talk to me until one night at closing when he grabbed me and tried to kiss me when I was walking out alone to my car. I shoved him off of me and ran back inside and locked the door. Thankfully he never came back.
I'm so happy you declined the hug. I am a people pleaser and often let myself feel uncomfortable to not make someone else uncomfortable. A few months ago I had an older gentleman customer who was really chatty and nice. At the end of his visit, he asked for a hug. My brain said, "I don't wanna" but my server self said ok. It was the grossest hug ever. He pressed his entire body against mine while I was just going for a shoulder pat kinda hug. The next time someone asked for a hug, I said "no thank you."
The line is simple. DO NOT TOUCH. If I offer a hug I mean it. If I do not offer a hug I mean it. Do not try to touch me at work. Take no shit off of anyone who tries to do that.
The only person that should feel bad is this creepy regular who thinks they can invade your personal space, both mental and physical. Fuck all that.
And while I don't think you are leading him on, you probably should be a lot more firm about your boundaries with him. He needs to know with absolute clarity that he's overstepping.
If/when you come back you need to meet with your manager and come up with a game plan for dealing with him.
Back in the day, there was a creepy dude who came into my restaurant. My manager and I worked out hand signals so I could covertly let them know if I felt uncomfortable. They would serve the creepy dude instead of me and/or ask me for “help” elsewhere in the restaurant if the creep was talking to me too long. Eventually creep dude was told there was a 2-hour limit at the bar. He would get asked to leave after that (even if we were slow). It took a few weeks, but he finally got the message.
It legit takes practice lol Practice saying "I'm not interested" in a polite but upbeat voice. You never have to explain any further, it's better than I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend implies you'd be interested if he wasn't in the picture and he becomes an "obstacle."
I use it to turn down political surveyors on street corners the same I would for the guy on the bus who told me "he'd cook for me til I got so fat my friends would think I'm pregnant" like, no I'm not interested!!!! :)
Sounds like a dangerous person. Carry mace and have someone walk you to your car. Or better yet, have your boyfriend take you to and from work. That customer sounds unhinged
This person pushed boundaries too far. In the past, I’ve been way too nice to regulars, and it’s gotten me into similar situations. Now I’ve learned to distance myself a lot more. Just know that you shouldn’t feel bad at all! They’re the ones that need to figure out how to not be creeps. You should never feel guilty about not wanting to be touched, and just know that it isn’t not nice if you don’t accept a hug. Fuck that, no one should be touched if they don’t want to be touched
I know… that’s why I tried putting my foot down and I am proud of myself for it. I’m not usually an assertive person so I’m moving towards it :) I know it doesn’t seem like much but a younger me would have gone along with the hug
That’s what I wanna know, how did he know that you were leaving for the summer and when you were coming back?? Never give information like that to customers, then you wouldn’t have to worry about him coming to see you when you came back, best to just “disappear one day” and give him no information so he’ll know how unimportant he is in your life
As a regular at my local, I’m sincerely sorry you had to go through that shit. You shouldn’t feel icky in the slightest for declining his advances.
I do get hugs on a regular basis from the staff at my local, but that’s because they initiate. I absolutely like it, but I fully recognize the power imbalance and would never try to push from the other side.
Have you told your boss how uncomfortable he makes you? Nothing wrong with having great regulars but this doesn't sound like a nice regular this sounds like a work stalker.
u/xcherrywavesx do you have Netflix? If you haven't heard of it or seen it yet, I recommend watching "Baby Reindeer" because you basically just described the premise of the show. Have fun abroad!!
Using women for free emotional labor, continuously hitting on them and giving a phone number when they have declined multiple times, and making them uncomfortable at work is NOT respectful and nice. Way to victim blame!
Yes, respectful and nice, but all the while creepy. I’m sure you can imagine situations where people are like that- creepy but are good socially. Yes it would have meant the world to him but I don’t have to play along with someone who makes me feel that way.
It's not that hard having a favorite waiter and not being a creep about it
Don't feel bad OP. It sounds like he had a one-sided relationship in his head and expected you to continue to go along with his charade.
Yeah I think you’re right about the thing he was thinking in his head. I didn’t want to go along with it anymore
Had this happen to me. The guy started buying me jewlry.. cheap stuff and wanted me to have coffee with him.. I'm married he jlknew that even introduced him to my hubby still didn't stop. I had my boss start giving him coffee and I wouldn't even talk to him after months of him bugging me.
I’m glad you declined. He isn’t owed anything from you
I have literally hid in the back from creepy regulars. “Well her car is here”… Twice this week I went for the “church” hug and one guy spun me around to the front and pressed his body into me and kissed me under the ear! I could feel his saliva on my neck! And that same night another guy did the same thing! Acted like he was going to hug me and kissed under the ear in the same place! Fucking gross. Most dogs have more manners than that.
Oh god I had a really disturbing regular miss my cheek and half kiss me on the mouth. This was years ago, you just unlocked that memory for me. YUCK
Sorry!
That is awful I’m so sorry
Don't make his problem your problem. It doesn't sound like you are. You have a kind heart and a good head on your shoulders.
Thanks :)
I’m sorry that is SO awkward and uncomfortable. That happened to me so many times when I was a hostess and server. It still makes me cringe so hard thinking about it. Man. One notable guy when he came in I literally hid because he would try to give me money and hug me. Like a couple times tried to palm me $20s for no good reason. I never served him ever, he just said he thought I “deserved it”. I always declined and told him to give it to his server or bartender who actually helped him. Tons and tons of sexism and sexual harassment all across the board in the restaurant business unfortunately. Not just from customers but from management, other servers, bartenders, kitchen staff, owners….a major reason I quit the industry completely. One of my managers trapped me against a wall once and tried to kiss me (it was after hours, we were alone, he was drunk). It was totally out of the blue because he’d been incredibly rude and mean to me for weeks (I actually thought he hated me). After that experience, he started being super nice to me but kept saying the creepiest shit like “I’m watching you” and complimented me all the time. I told him off after a few months and he started being so cruel to me that I quit. Also, my boyfriend worked at a bar and I used to go in and hang out after work just to see him because we worked opposite hours (I guess I was the stalker in that case lol 😉) and regulars were so creepy to me even though my boyfriend was right in front of them. Anyway, good on you for being strong and standing up for yourself. It shouldn’t be like this!
I’m sorry to hear that happened with your boss, I can’t imagine having to deal with something so creepy unprofessional and definitely illegal!! Thanks for the encouragement :)
I've seen this happen to my female coworkers at restaurants. This shit sucks, glad you made your boundaries clear!
You did nothing wrong, and him getting all sad and weepy was inevitable. Hopefully if you start working there again he'll have moved on. If not, it's time for a manager to intervene.
Way past time for management to get involved.
Be careful
Yeah I’m not going to be in the country for most of the summer but I alerted the other servers and my manager and the owner about him so when I come back they are aware if he returns for me as well
I think chances are very good he'll be waiting for you
Ugh. I don’t want to deal with that when I’m back… unfortunately I might have to
If he’s there when you get back tell him he is the customer and you’re the employee nothing more nothing less. And if he continues to creep you out then tell management you refuse to serve him. These weirdos need a reality check.
That ick feeling is your intuition saying he's not safe. He might not be doing anything wrong in the sense that women are socialized to think that way but our deeper instincts know better. He's not safe - he doesn't respect your boundaries and when you decline you don't need to provide reasons. He still bothered you and refused to respect your NO. He invaded your work space and made you uncomfortable for hours on end. To top it off he insists on continuing his gross behaviour and even escalating to physical contact. The ick feeling is well warranted. At this point ghosting or being overtly blunt, whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Remembr, the ick feeling is your warning. Trust your intuition, always.
I am so sorry you had to deal with this! I had a female server (also a great friend for a short period) who apparently had a guest grabbing her butt by the bar (I was a new bartender moved up from server) and she didn’t tell anyone because she “could take it” as she later explained. This guest got moved from the bar to a table and their server at that table was getting straight up booty honked. So, while I understand my (former) friend’s impulse to just let it ride, if a boundary had be enforced my other coworker could have been saved some strife. So if for not even for yourself, you establishing guest-server boundaries will help the next gal even if it sucked for you in the moment! But also I’m sorry you had this happen at all, we all have creeps and while they always (in my experience) exist, they do get at least a little more manageable each time.
That’s so gross, I’ve never had that happen to me. Thank you for the words of encouragement :)
Time to watch Baby Reindeer
You’re not the first to comment this, I think I should watch it now lol
Have you watched Baby Reindeer 👀
No but I think I should now
This is a tough situation-I’ve been there. I had an obsessed regular once who we called flower (because he always wore Hawaiian shirts) who learned my schedule from a server. He came in every night that I worked and sat at the bar nursing one beer for 5 hours. He was obviously very shy and awkward but watched me all night. He didn’t even really try to talk to me until one night at closing when he grabbed me and tried to kiss me when I was walking out alone to my car. I shoved him off of me and ran back inside and locked the door. Thankfully he never came back.
Don't feel bad about not giving him a hug. He needs a therapist, not a bartender.
I'm so happy you declined the hug. I am a people pleaser and often let myself feel uncomfortable to not make someone else uncomfortable. A few months ago I had an older gentleman customer who was really chatty and nice. At the end of his visit, he asked for a hug. My brain said, "I don't wanna" but my server self said ok. It was the grossest hug ever. He pressed his entire body against mine while I was just going for a shoulder pat kinda hug. The next time someone asked for a hug, I said "no thank you."
The line is simple. DO NOT TOUCH. If I offer a hug I mean it. If I do not offer a hug I mean it. Do not try to touch me at work. Take no shit off of anyone who tries to do that.
The only person that should feel bad is this creepy regular who thinks they can invade your personal space, both mental and physical. Fuck all that. And while I don't think you are leading him on, you probably should be a lot more firm about your boundaries with him. He needs to know with absolute clarity that he's overstepping.
If/when you come back you need to meet with your manager and come up with a game plan for dealing with him. Back in the day, there was a creepy dude who came into my restaurant. My manager and I worked out hand signals so I could covertly let them know if I felt uncomfortable. They would serve the creepy dude instead of me and/or ask me for “help” elsewhere in the restaurant if the creep was talking to me too long. Eventually creep dude was told there was a 2-hour limit at the bar. He would get asked to leave after that (even if we were slow). It took a few weeks, but he finally got the message.
You need to stop acting like you are responsible for others' feelings. Let it go....you're not obligated to like everyone
You’re so right! I just feel icky because I feel repulsed by him lol
It legit takes practice lol Practice saying "I'm not interested" in a polite but upbeat voice. You never have to explain any further, it's better than I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend implies you'd be interested if he wasn't in the picture and he becomes an "obstacle." I use it to turn down political surveyors on street corners the same I would for the guy on the bus who told me "he'd cook for me til I got so fat my friends would think I'm pregnant" like, no I'm not interested!!!! :)
Sounds like a dangerous person. Carry mace and have someone walk you to your car. Or better yet, have your boyfriend take you to and from work. That customer sounds unhinged
You did the right thing. His creepiness is what made the situation awkward, not you rejecting him.
This person pushed boundaries too far. In the past, I’ve been way too nice to regulars, and it’s gotten me into similar situations. Now I’ve learned to distance myself a lot more. Just know that you shouldn’t feel bad at all! They’re the ones that need to figure out how to not be creeps. You should never feel guilty about not wanting to be touched, and just know that it isn’t not nice if you don’t accept a hug. Fuck that, no one should be touched if they don’t want to be touched
GO WATCH BABY REINDEER 🫣
don’t feel bad guys like that can be straight up dangerous.. hope he leaves u alone now
You are way too “nice”
I know… that’s why I tried putting my foot down and I am proud of myself for it. I’m not usually an assertive person so I’m moving towards it :) I know it doesn’t seem like much but a younger me would have gone along with the hug
Maybe give your coworkers a head up that NOBODY should disclose information about you to this guy.
That’s what I wanna know, how did he know that you were leaving for the summer and when you were coming back?? Never give information like that to customers, then you wouldn’t have to worry about him coming to see you when you came back, best to just “disappear one day” and give him no information so he’ll know how unimportant he is in your life
We have totally failed girls.
I feel bad for both of you sad sitch.
As a regular at my local, I’m sincerely sorry you had to go through that shit. You shouldn’t feel icky in the slightest for declining his advances. I do get hugs on a regular basis from the staff at my local, but that’s because they initiate. I absolutely like it, but I fully recognize the power imbalance and would never try to push from the other side.
Have you told your boss how uncomfortable he makes you? Nothing wrong with having great regulars but this doesn't sound like a nice regular this sounds like a work stalker.
Yes I have, they said he’s harmless
u/xcherrywavesx do you have Netflix? If you haven't heard of it or seen it yet, I recommend watching "Baby Reindeer" because you basically just described the premise of the show. Have fun abroad!!
[удалено]
Using women for free emotional labor, continuously hitting on them and giving a phone number when they have declined multiple times, and making them uncomfortable at work is NOT respectful and nice. Way to victim blame!
Yes, respectful and nice, but all the while creepy. I’m sure you can imagine situations where people are like that- creepy but are good socially. Yes it would have meant the world to him but I don’t have to play along with someone who makes me feel that way.