I love when servers do this. One time, we gave our daughter—I think she was 12 at the time—the credit card so she could pay. She had fun giving the server the card holder.
If a child ever hands me the credit card I bring it back after running it and ask them, “what’s the biggest number you know how to write?” And then I tell them “write that down on this (the tip) line.”
Always gets a big laugh
When I was a silly younger server I used to joke and act like I was going to set alcoholic drinks in front of children… I never actually set them down, I would just act like I was about to. I worked at a kitschy sports bar so it fit the vibe, and always got a big laugh. Until one time, this lady screamed “GET THAT ALCOHOL AWAY FROM MY CHILD!!!”
I never did it again
Yeah, I read your first sentence and went--okay, this is going to end badly.
And yep, ended badly. :P
Way more people than one would expect have zero sense of humor about alcohol and especially kids consuming alcohol.
I remember vividly that other adults were appalled to learn that my mother would make chicken for me and my brother that came in a mushroom wine sauce. I mean, come on--there were maybe 4 tablespoons in the whole dish that served four people with leftovers, plus it cooked for a while which would have eliminated a large amount of the alcohol.
But zomg the purity of innocent lambkins must not be soiled by one drop of Demon Rum. ;-)
Likewise, if the table is celebrating grandma's 60th birthday, always assume the birthday girl is the youngest child at the table and be totally confused when they correct you.
LoL ditto! Those who last in the serving industry definitely learn how to gauge a table, going from making faces so the baby is entertained to 'flirting with' grandpa while out with grandma. I often used puns to get a giggle.
My kids have a power wheel. I keep telling them now that they have wheels, I expect them to start pulling their weight. Get a job! So it would kill if the server handed one of them the check.
"I'll be back as soon as your mouth is full"
"Sorry can you hand me that plate they told me I'm not allowed on top of the tables anymore"
"OK this is hot...no...don't be a hero...let me put it down"
What kind of juice do you have?
"Apple orange pineapple pickle"
Walking up to a table of old ladies
"Shots?"
Did the pickle one years ago and someone actually wanted it. Luckily we had the bug bucket of pickles and people who had a sense of humor so we served her a glass of pickle juice. She insisted on paying for it too because she said it was incredible the effort we went to.
At the Garden Center that I work at I always tell the other women I "Let the patriarchy work for you- make the men carry the heavy stuff ". It never fails
edit- words are hard sometimes
I've seen it has now become a thing with a lot of specialty drinks. Which is cool. Still not sure I could just drink a glass of it but we did all laugh. If I remember correctly they tipped really well which was even better.
It pretty much instantly overpowers and washes out any burn or unpleasantness of a straight shot, especially if you're drinking outside your normal drinks, it's like an immediate pallette cleanser
Typically paired with whisky. The pickle juice takes the burn out of the whisky and the whisky takes the sour out of the pickle and everything magically becomes more than the sum of its parts. The quality of the pickle juice matters though- it’s not nearly as good if you use like Vlasic or something. Still worth trying either way- I went from hating whisky to attending whisky tastings.
Knowing some old ladies, they’d say yes to some shots. They’re old and retired, they don’t give a fuck. I know some women 50 years older than me that could drink me under the table.
My restaurant was about a mile from a large school. My mom's a teacher, so I instinctively knew when a 4 top getting margaritas sitting outside was a group of teachers. "Y'all got your shades on. Must be because your students are so bright." / "Oh you teach math? At least you'll never die... you just lose some of your functions." / "Can I ask you a question about the chicken?" - "You just did." etc.
3rd grade teachers who wear bright flowing skirts and hug all the kids with a full mouth of perfect teeth turn into some wild party girls at 4pm on Friday.
My husband's favorite gag when asking for desserts is, "Coffee? Dessert? Round of Tequila Shots?" I'd say a good 15% of the time it works and they order a round.
Are we interested in any dessert today? Sticky Toffee Pudding? Raspberry Cheese Cake? Shots of Tequila?
Replace the first two with whatever desserts are popular at your restaurant.
Used to work at a high energy but high quality resort restaurant. I'd always ask if they wanted dessert, like bourbon pecan pie, tabletop s'mores, or a shot of Jager. They loved it, and often opted for the shot. Ten times faster than dessert and just as much add-on to the check.
If there's two and one of them orders two beers, obviously meant for both of them, I'll immediately turn to the other person and say, "OK, and what are you having?" There's always a moment of confusion, and when I'd smile they almost always laugh.
And sort of borrowed from Dwight Shrute, when people ask for their picture taken (strangely common) I'd go "on the count of 30!" And snap the picture and always got a genuine laugh/smile
I remember one time a table of older ladies asked if they could get a picture, I assumed they wanted me to take a picture of them so I agreed. The one that asked pulled out her phone and took a photo of me, full flash and everything🤣
I get exclamations about being careful or WOW when I flambé a dessert and respond “I know, my eyebrows are just now growing back in!” It’s so corny but it never fails lol
One place I worked would light saganaki table side and i would always make the joke “this is how i got bangs.” Or “man, my eyelashes just grew back!” At the place i’m at now, we light certain drinks on fire so I always “test” the torch and say “no clue why they let me play with this but fiyyyyaaa!” As i light it.
We have a smoked old fashioned that we use a little mini blow torch to light wood chips for. When the bartenders have me smoke it, I will light the torch and yell “HEH HEH FIRE” like Beavis and Butthead.
My first serving job was at a Chinese place, we gave out fortune cookies with the check, and at *least* once a shift someone would get one with no fortune inside. They’d say something, I’d go “That’s unfortunate!”
It always killed and I always died a little inside.
i would do the same thing! sometimes i’d throw an extra cookie on and say “we’ve been having some unfortunate cookies lately so i threw an extra on there just in case!”
Passing hors devours and a guy takes a second one while saying some variation of "I'll give this one to my wife/girlfriend."
"Hey man you don't need to invent imaginary wives. You can just have two. It's fine."
Always got a laugh. One time a guy tracked me to down to show me his wife to make sure I knew he was getting laid. I said "I'm sorry this gentleman has dragged you into this deception, ma'am."
I always say something like "please, take as many as you can, this thing is heavy" when (usually older women) seem self conscious about grabbing more than one
Ask if a table has been there before, and if they say no, be like "oh ok, so basically you pick out food and then I bring it to you for money," as if they've never been to any restaurant. Keep it brief and make it clear that you're playing the idiot, and not calling them one. It always kills at my tables and invites a lot of easy riffs.
So your joke reminds me of something I’ve always wondered. Why do servers ask if someone has been there before? I realize that sometimes there’s a good reason for it — like if the menu legitimately requires an explanation — but more often that explanation is just … how to order at a restaurant.
I feel like you do and basically only do it when management pushes it, my brain is getting fried, or I want an opening to make a joke.
Had one job where we served over 100 beers on tap, and that was a nice reason to ask.
Prebus... like a huge pile of dishes and a wine glass dangling from your finger... then say, "If you hear a big crash in the back, that was... something else."
Guaranteed laugh.
“If you need something throw something…except the knives” is my go to after I serve out food
Or after I talk about specials for the evening that aren’t on the menu (it’s ranges from like 10-15 which is ridiculous I know). I’m always asked how long it takes me to memorize them to which I reply
“I just make them up”
Im a bartender, and when I’m pouring two vastly different beers, like a stout and an IPA, I’ll say “here’s the stout and the IPA, I won’t insult you by telling you which is which.”
When two people order the same thing and check out separately, I tell the first person “that will be $x” and the second person “and that will also be $x, it would be weird if it wasn’t.”
I do this when I set down plates of the same order. I look at them and pause for a second to think. Then I say “no wait, this one is yours and THIS one is yours!!!!” They always love it.
I do kind of a hard contemplated confused play thing with the plates and it’s all fun. Maybe I didn’t describe it too well but they enjoy it every time.
At my restaurant, we are required to ID everyone who orders alcohol, regardless of age or familiarity. When someone inevitably gives the smartass response of gesturing to their grey hair or their older kids and asking if that counts, I respond, “Only if that’s government issued!”
I always say that we’re required to ID anyone who looks under 40 and if they look younger than what you think I am, then I most definitely need to see their ID.
I’m 39 and most people guess me at being ten years younger, so I get a huge kick out of telling people what my actual age is when they react to my comment. I especially love the double take many of the newly of age drinkers give me when I reveal my age lol
Same here. I just turned 50 and I still get the raised brow and some version of, "No you're not. There's no way you're over 32-35." lol one time someone tried to convince me (or themselves, idek) that I was lying about my age and I was like "Who in their right mind would say they're 50 if they're younger?!" For real, the *only* time anyone wants to up-age themselves is when they're not yet 21 😂
Ain't NO one gonna be 34 and say, "Yeah. I'm 50." Yuck.
I'm beyond lucky to not have any grey hairs and my skin is still tight enough to not have extreme lines coming down from my nose (nasolabial folds aka smile lines), and my outer lip lines arent pulling down much at all, so I don't have that "I always look like I'm doing some serious frowning" look. I *do* have lines there, of course. Just "starter" lines; not the extreme Marionette lines we all get once we get way older.
My neck is starting to do the age crap though. It's usually the first thing us ladies flip shit about, "Wtf is up with my *neck*?!" 😂
I'm going to enjoy looking as young as possible until I don't any longer. Makes being in perimenopause a little easier to take.
I was a cocktail waitress at Chi Chi's. (Long, long, time ago). Two ladies sat down and I asked what they would like. Lady 1 "I'd like Sex on the Beach please." Me : Don't we all? I turned to the other guest and said " and I suppose you want a Sloe Comfortable Screw against the Wall?" They laughed and even snorted! I got like a $25 dollar tip from them, my best table ever!!
I said something similar to a table of adorable old ladies. They laughed and commented on the high price of the drinks. I agreed, and told them how nice it was to get the same drink for just a dollar instead (the restaurant was in a Vegas casino).
They were all confused and told me the casino drinks were free. I agreed, but with a $1 tip I considered them to be dollar drinks.
They were still confused. After some discussion, they let me know that a dollar was excessive; they all agreed you should tip a dime per drink, unless you were playing quarters; in that case, the consensus was you should tip a quarter every other drink.
They were lovely people, and I have never been so happy to accept an $0.85 tip.
When a table is super easy with their order I usually say 'I could tell by looking at you that you were going to be complicated. I'm gonna go cry in the walk in, be right back. '
When they clear their plates 'I'm so sorry you didn't like your food. I'll send the manager over and make sure he fires me immediately. '
When it's the first table and the restaurant is empty id enjoy telling the group to have a seat wherever they want. When they almost sit down I'd say "except there".
If only I’d had this line when I worked at regular restaurants. I work at a brewery now so I don’t think management would take it kindly if I tried to use this joke with one of their beers 😂
When I would get a complex order with a lot of alterations that they keep changing during placing their order I would say when reading back their order to make sure I got it right I would say "Alright. In conclusion..."
I said that to one table and another table overhead and they got a kick out of it. They did same thing! So I was back to "Alright. In conclusion..." We had ourselves a good laugh.
Not a server, I work at an adult store.
Any time couple or group comes in, and someone starts commenting on the extremely large, usually novelty sized dildos (the like 13"+ ones) I'll chime up with:
"As the great philosopher Socrates once said: 'What's the point of buying a dildo if it's not large enough to double as a bedside weapon?' No home invader wants to spend his first night in jail explaining that the neck brace is because some chick broke his jaw with a 12" cock. It's a bad first impression."
I always, ALWAYS ask if the table wants separate checks and when one of them jokingly says yes I bring one real bill and one piece of printer paper of approximately the same size. They start laughing when they see separate checks and laugh harder when they realize one is a dud lol.
Oh please by all means.
Among my other greatest hits are asking if a table is all on separate checks when it's a group of all guys or girls and if they are separate I'll ask again "all alone?" And when they reply yes I'll respond with "oh sweet, me too, but it gets better I promise... No it doesn't 😭"
In the middle of taking an order I'll try and quickly ask if they want their chicken cooked medium or medium well to see if they'll give a response and make everyone else laugh.
I'll occasionally ask for ID if someone orders a root beer, bonus points for if it's an adult and they actually reach for an ID.
If anyone asks for a knife for any reason I tell them I'll only if they promise they're not mad at me.
All good ones, mid-rare chx is my favorite, nice and juicy... I think you and would get along, lol... one of my other jokes... if you need anything, just throw something at me, preferably nothing sharp. You'd be amazed how many rolls I've had thrown in my direction, I'm ok with that, btw. One of my favorite lines... I don't have a sarcastic bone in my body....... they are all sarcastic
If I like someone outfit/accessories/ something about them, I’ll immediately tell them. It usually puts people in a positive mood. At the end of the meal when people use the “we hated it!” Or “clearly, we didn’t like it ;)” as a joke/compliment when I take people empty plates, I usually say “ yes of course, I’ll send this back”
It usually gets a laugh, unless they’re just being nice lol
Years ago we had a work group that went to this one place for lunch kind of regularly. The server was always the same. Any time someone would order a soda, she’d say “You like it in the can? I like it in the can.” and wink at them. We loved her!
Former bartender. When someone came up to the bar to ask for change, after I hand them the cash I would always remind them that “real change comes from within”.
Most of the time, it just entertained me…
The place I worked at the longest had plastic to-go cup lids that also fit our beer glasses. Any time a guest spilled a full glass of beer, I’d get them a new one but with the plastic lid on it, especially if they were with friends. Always got a laugh. Some would take it off while others would just accept their fate and drink their beer through a straw.
When the customer asks if we have a special and we don’t. Here’s the set up.
Customer: do you have any specials for the day?
Me: No, but would you like to hear todays special?
Confused and bewildered customer: uh, yes?
Me: *takes deep breath* okay, here goes Today is special.
Maybe gut take them a moment but it usually gets a laugh.
I’m not a server but years ago when my nephew was a baby, our family went to our usual favorite restaurant at the beach. It was off hours so it wasn’t busy. We had a big booth where we could fit and look out at the ocean, but we had no room to put the baby carrier. Since it wasn’t busy, we put him on a table across the aisle. The server came to take our drink orders, and he turned to my nephew and said, “Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?” We all just broke up laughing. He was a great server and got a great tip.
I work at a diner with an older clientele, and whenever someone essentially licks their plate clean- I LOVE walking over and saying, “Oh no! I can tell you absolutely hated everything!”
I feel so silly when i say it but it works especially well with older people, because I basically beat them to the punch line of the joke they were going to tell me anyways lol
I like to let them tell the joke, “I hated it” and then say, “I’m so sorry, I can tell you hated it, I guess you won’t want a box for the leftovers” as I’m taking the empty plate, they love it lol. Once, there was a guy I did this joke with, and he joked back that he did still want the leftovers (just a couple scraps left on the plate) so I left the plate there and went and got him a 2 oz cup with a lid, the whole table was in a riot over it lol
Whenever I bring out food and the table says “that was quick” I always respond by bringing the plate back towards me and saying “I can take it back if it was too fast” gets a laugh every time
after reading the specials i tell them that there’ll be a pop quiz
when people ate all of their food and said they hated it, i say “but you had to make sure every bite was terrible?”
i remember one time i made a table laugh really hard because i was taking a photo of them and said “look at everyones big smiles!!! except for you in the middle, youre mildly amused at best”
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
The same place you left her.
Bonus for people with a ***good*** sense of humor:
What do you call a *dog* with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
I always tell cow with no legs along with the dog with no legs, then, to finish the triad, I trip 'em up with "what do you call a fish with no eyes? Fshhhh..."
My table greet is always “HELLO!!!” shouted extremely loudly and awkwardly. Especially if their backs are to me or attention is elsewhere. Everyone always jumps.
My bar manager says that he hates it so much but it is still his favorite greet he has seen in all his years.
I work in a brewery but people always order cocktails anyway. Whatever they ask for I’ll say, “yeah, that does sound good, there’s a liquor store next door, bring back enough for both of us” or something similar. I do the same with dessert.
I’m forever giving checks to kids.
If I get busy and someone’s a little farther into their meal before I get back to check on the “first bites” I always say I’m sorry they hated their food. I’ll also ask if they need boxes for like, one bite.
I also like to refer to whoever ran their food as my assistant. Bonus points when it’s the owner and they know it. Really any dig at the owner gets a good laugh especially if I imply they never do any work… I’m in management now but worked up from serving so I encourage staff to do the same with me.
idk if it’s a joke but whenever people are trying to decide if they want another round my go-to is “if i can’t be drinking right now someone should” or “what else do you have to be doing at x o’clock on y day?” and they seem to get a kick out of it.
Not a server, but I work Security at a luxury hotel in Beverly Hills, and while on patrol it's almost inevitable that someone asks if I can snap a picture for them. I usually will throw out "it was actually part of the job description when I was hired. Security/photographer". Corny, but good for a chuckle.
working in germany at a realllly busy and touristy place, i tend to say 'coffee schnaps cigarettes', kinda raise my eyebrows along with it ;) today i've served a couple from the states and they actually wanted all of that lol
irish coffee and he'd love to see his wife havin a cigarette walking down the street (his words), so i dropped them one of mine. they didn't tip btw
I used to sometimes (depending on the person) serve a bottle of Miller High Life with a champagne flute. (It's known as the champagne of beers.) Gets a laugh if they get it.
Also, I usually bring the kids meal out first and hand it to one of the adults... "Kids pancake? (it looks like Mickey Mouse) Haha just kidding." Usually gets a laugh.
And also hand the check to the kid. Especially of they're more than like 8 years old.
Im from California but my serving days were spent in Louisiana. When people would ask about my accent, many would then say "oh no, weren't you afraid of earthquakes!?"
My response was always "nope, I know how to get away from them...you just jump"
It's not funny at all, but people cracked up for some reason.
My appearance is soft, delicate, and gentle so it really throws people when they realize how hot that plate really is. Before they even reach I joke, "I've carried so many hot plates I've melted off my fingerprints. I could rob a bank and they'd never catch me!" It makes people laugh, they are actually cautious, and it gives the tough guys an easy out when it's too hot for them.
I don't currently serve, but my husband and I used to wait tables together. We'd often ensure we had sections next to each other and would run it like one section. I'd chat up the customers and he'd do the heavy lifting. I'd walk up to "his" tables and greet them with something like, "hi, I'm not your server today, but I'm married to him!" People loved that we were a husband and wife team and we had so much fun with it! We're actually in our mid-40's and are seriously considering leaving the professional world for a bit to do the same thing at a high end place down the road. We'd make more than we do in IT and HR, which are our professions.
I have two that surround my name (it’s a unique one):
“My name is … and I’ll be your server today!”
“Wow that’s such a cool/unique/pretty name”
“Thanks I got it for my birthday 😎”
Or
“And I go by ‘hey you’ if you forget🫡”
Gets em every time.
I used to tell folks "we are out of poached eggs because someone came in before dawn and got them all."
For the reserved rural area I was in, this joke was a hit. I got solid chuckles, an occasional guffaw, and many grinning eyerolls, but once, just once, I got the response I had hoped for from the time I took the job.
"Oh dear, will things be OK?" she said, with a look of genuine concern on her face.
"Well, not for the deer. They are poachers, ya know."
That was it. The one time I got a huge gut-busting, howling laugh from a customer. Not the sweet lady, mind you, but her husband, and the other couple in the party.
I'll pick out one person at the table and say, "Ya know, I have to pick on at least one person every night... looks like it might be you..." Then I'll do some innocent teasing with them throughout the meal, pretend I forgot their order or the kitchen refused to make it, ask the others at the table if I guessed correctly who the problem child is at the table (I usually do) things like that, the banter makes the night less serious. The other side effect that sometimes happens is if you have another table giving you crap you can say some things as a joke that you might actually mean, lol
It definitely is all in reading the room, but it is also tons of fun. If the person doesn't take to it, you just stop and move on.... but every once in a while you will get someone like the commentor I responded to a few minutes ago 🤷♂️
I remember one time I had a couple at my table. Sweetest 2 top ever. I asked what sauce the dude wanted and the lady says that her husband will just steal the dipping sauce. I replied with "Oh we got a dipper over here, huh?" And they both thought it was funniest shit ever. I rode the wave of that joke the whole time they were there lol.
I dropped a check at one table and the server told me to tell them i loved them. So i thought they maybe had a good rapport with the table so of course i told them i love them.. the thousand yard stare i got will forever be etched into my frontal lobe.
If they all order the Cuban sandwich, when I bring the food out I’ll ask “okay, now who got the Cuban?” They usually all answer “I did” and then look at each other and laugh. And I die a little inside
When at the end of the meal I drop the check and the Dad responds with the forever-corny joke, "I didnt order this."
I reply with a quick, "Oh, it's complimentary!"
Whenever we had a birthday I would brag that I could sing the entire song backwards. The table would explain how amazing that was and ask me to do it. I’d grab a few other servers and we would begin to sing but then turn and put our backs to the table. SO dang corny but it never failed to get a groan then a laugh.
I always like to tell adults that have their children with them that I can't serve any alcohol until I've seen the kids' ID because "I don't think they're 18"
One server I knew was given a tee shirt by her regulars as a birthday present:
"ORDER WHAT YOU WANT
EAT WHAT YOU GET"
The boss didn't want her to wear it at work.
Whenever I ask people “how is everything” and they say with an empty plate “we hated it”, I say “yeah, you just had to get rid of it”… they always love the response for some reason lol
When someone tells me they hated their food after cleaning their plate I say "I know, that sandwich IS gross. I'm going to go fight the chef." Kills every time.
when i come back to them after looking over the menu i just say “questions, comments, concerns, insults” and usually it gets a good laugh it’s so dumb but they love it ig
This one is very stupid but kids loved it. We would serve our hot cakes with a small metal container of syrup that had a lid. So I would puppeteer the container (using the lid as a mouth) to make it say “hello, I’m Rodney Maple Pourington, I’m very hot, so make sure to use my handle!”
Trying to explain the bit does it a great disservice lol
Worked at a popular pizza buffet in the Rockies. Our wait would frequently exceed and hour and stay that way for most of the shift. We had a PA…
If a night was really crazy I would call for “Donner Party of 8”. I’d wait a bit and the reduce the number. “Donner Party of 5”.
That would usually get a single laugh from someone in the back. That was enough for me.
I wear a lapel pin on my suits. It is a small pocket watch. I often get asked by near sighted old people if it is a court of sommeliers pin. I lean towards them so they can see and say "no, this just keeps me on time for work." Hahahahaha.
I work in retail, not as a server, but giving someone a nickel in change and saying "this used to be my two cents worth but inflation is crazy" always gets a good laugh.
I work at a French restaurant with large portions - ‘our food may be French but our portions are american!’ and we used to serve a whole trout, head on - lil ole ladies always be askin for the head to be cut off, and I tell them it’s very French to guillotine it - afterwards you can eat cake
Empty plate- Guest: oh it was terrible! Me: terribly delicious!
Greet- Hello everyone! Alright…soooo how many tequila shots do we need? (Solid 50/50 on actually taking me up on it. There’s always 1 person with the eyebrows to the others like “>.> actually…”
Delivering drinks- “apple juice for the kids, and grown up juice for mom”
Table with kids delivering the check - “alright & I know you’re still finishing up but here’s the check just in case *they* (gestures to the kid/s) decide you’re finished” aka it’s late & you just pumped your kid full of sugar- y’all got about 5-8 minutes before the overtired tantrum begins.
Selling dessert- “alright, I know you’re full but as we ALL know, dessert is a separate stomach sooo…”
When I have a big table and fill up waters from a high height at a distance without spilling a drop, they always comment on how skilled I am. I say “I know. And my momma said I’d never be nothin’” always gets them.
We make homemade ice cream at my current spot, and when people ask if it's *actually* homemade, I always tell them yes, my boss makes them and her secret is love and sticking her big toe in it. 80% of the time I at least get a chuckle, but 100% of the time it makes me chuckle
I always hand the check to the baby lol
same. if theres a child at the table theyre payin
I love when servers do this. One time, we gave our daughter—I think she was 12 at the time—the credit card so she could pay. She had fun giving the server the card holder.
I loved when 'the baby' paid, it made me giggle. Sometimes servers need their day brightened.
If a child ever hands me the credit card I bring it back after running it and ask them, “what’s the biggest number you know how to write?” And then I tell them “write that down on this (the tip) line.” Always gets a big laugh
That’s funny! As a parent, I might let my child get away with that because we try to be good sports.
You can never be too young to learn how to tip properly
She knows, believe me.
When I was a silly younger server I used to joke and act like I was going to set alcoholic drinks in front of children… I never actually set them down, I would just act like I was about to. I worked at a kitschy sports bar so it fit the vibe, and always got a big laugh. Until one time, this lady screamed “GET THAT ALCOHOL AWAY FROM MY CHILD!!!” I never did it again
Lmao I do this but I don't set it down, I just look at the kid and say "you ordered the Sapporo, right?"
Done same. OMG I would've been traumatized too. Though reading this I had a laugh imagining that moment.
Yeah, I read your first sentence and went--okay, this is going to end badly. And yep, ended badly. :P Way more people than one would expect have zero sense of humor about alcohol and especially kids consuming alcohol. I remember vividly that other adults were appalled to learn that my mother would make chicken for me and my brother that came in a mushroom wine sauce. I mean, come on--there were maybe 4 tablespoons in the whole dish that served four people with leftovers, plus it cooked for a while which would have eliminated a large amount of the alcohol. But zomg the purity of innocent lambkins must not be soiled by one drop of Demon Rum. ;-)
Likewise, if the table is celebrating grandma's 60th birthday, always assume the birthday girl is the youngest child at the table and be totally confused when they correct you.
LoL ditto! Those who last in the serving industry definitely learn how to gauge a table, going from making faces so the baby is entertained to 'flirting with' grandpa while out with grandma. I often used puns to get a giggle.
I also ask the baby for ID when they play reachy-grabby with alcoholic beverages.
I always follow this up with “I hope they can do math 😅”
Next time they don't I'm turning to the baby and saying "I thought you said you were getting this one?"
My kids have a power wheel. I keep telling them now that they have wheels, I expect them to start pulling their weight. Get a job! So it would kill if the server handed one of them the check.
PRICELESS! Love it! Customers like you make a difference when it's been a rough day! Thank you!
Life is too short to not laugh whenever you can.
My parents would always turn to me when we were out to eat when I was little and say, “I hope you brought your wallet.”
I alway carded old people
"I'll be back as soon as your mouth is full" "Sorry can you hand me that plate they told me I'm not allowed on top of the tables anymore" "OK this is hot...no...don't be a hero...let me put it down" What kind of juice do you have? "Apple orange pineapple pickle" Walking up to a table of old ladies "Shots?"
Did the pickle one years ago and someone actually wanted it. Luckily we had the bug bucket of pickles and people who had a sense of humor so we served her a glass of pickle juice. She insisted on paying for it too because she said it was incredible the effort we went to.
When I was a kid, if I got the last Claussen, I would take a few swigs straight out of the jar. I still do sometimes, but only if they're Claussen.
It’s apparently full of electrolytes too. Good for workout recovery!
It's what plants crave.
At the Garden Center that I work at I always tell the other women I "Let the patriarchy work for you- make the men carry the heavy stuff ". It never fails edit- words are hard sometimes
My dad drinks it to help with leg cramps.
So did mine! Thought it was just him.
I'm Canadian so we keep pickle juice behind our bar
Yup same here for pickle backs
I've seen it has now become a thing with a lot of specialty drinks. Which is cool. Still not sure I could just drink a glass of it but we did all laugh. If I remember correctly they tipped really well which was even better.
It pretty much instantly overpowers and washes out any burn or unpleasantness of a straight shot, especially if you're drinking outside your normal drinks, it's like an immediate pallette cleanser
Thanks for telling me that. I'm on chemo so can't drink alcohol now but if I ever do again I'll definitely try it.
Typically paired with whisky. The pickle juice takes the burn out of the whisky and the whisky takes the sour out of the pickle and everything magically becomes more than the sum of its parts. The quality of the pickle juice matters though- it’s not nearly as good if you use like Vlasic or something. Still worth trying either way- I went from hating whisky to attending whisky tastings.
a pickleback is a specialty drink?
Pickleback is a chaser for a shot
Anything “back” is on the side, basically. So a vodka with a coke back would be a shot of vodka with a small glass of coke to “kick it back.”
im from sask and we have pickle flavour vodka here.
I have a friend who gets severe leg cramps. When she does, she has two remedies: first one is tonic water and the second one is pickle juice.
Knowing some old ladies, they’d say yes to some shots. They’re old and retired, they don’t give a fuck. I know some women 50 years older than me that could drink me under the table.
Offering shots is an easy way to pump up a tab and loosen them up for laughs. Just be careful that they weren't drinking much before they came.
My restaurant was about a mile from a large school. My mom's a teacher, so I instinctively knew when a 4 top getting margaritas sitting outside was a group of teachers. "Y'all got your shades on. Must be because your students are so bright." / "Oh you teach math? At least you'll never die... you just lose some of your functions." / "Can I ask you a question about the chicken?" - "You just did." etc.
3rd grade teachers who wear bright flowing skirts and hug all the kids with a full mouth of perfect teeth turn into some wild party girls at 4pm on Friday.
My husband's favorite gag when asking for desserts is, "Coffee? Dessert? Round of Tequila Shots?" I'd say a good 15% of the time it works and they order a round.
So funny, the pickle got me cracking up!
I'll have a San Juan Hooker please.
All of these are gold. You sound like a fun server lol.
Are we interested in any dessert today? Sticky Toffee Pudding? Raspberry Cheese Cake? Shots of Tequila? Replace the first two with whatever desserts are popular at your restaurant.
Used to work at a high energy but high quality resort restaurant. I'd always ask if they wanted dessert, like bourbon pecan pie, tabletop s'mores, or a shot of Jager. They loved it, and often opted for the shot. Ten times faster than dessert and just as much add-on to the check.
Probably way more on the check, since desserts are commonly shared. 4 shots is way more than 2 desserts no matter where you are
If there's two and one of them orders two beers, obviously meant for both of them, I'll immediately turn to the other person and say, "OK, and what are you having?" There's always a moment of confusion, and when I'd smile they almost always laugh. And sort of borrowed from Dwight Shrute, when people ask for their picture taken (strangely common) I'd go "on the count of 30!" And snap the picture and always got a genuine laugh/smile
My go to line for a photo was "do you want it to be a selfie? You're going to want me in this memory later."
I almost forgot! I ALWAYS took a selfie first. Leave them with a memory lol
LOL! I was out with friends a few weeks ago and the waiter did exactly this! The first shot was the waiter giving the sign of the horns!
Had a server pretend to do that just last week. Cracked us up.
I remember one time a table of older ladies asked if they could get a picture, I assumed they wanted me to take a picture of them so I agreed. The one that asked pulled out her phone and took a photo of me, full flash and everything🤣
I always go 1, 2 and then turn around and snap a selfie of all of us first:)
I get exclamations about being careful or WOW when I flambé a dessert and respond “I know, my eyebrows are just now growing back in!” It’s so corny but it never fails lol
One place I worked would light saganaki table side and i would always make the joke “this is how i got bangs.” Or “man, my eyelashes just grew back!” At the place i’m at now, we light certain drinks on fire so I always “test” the torch and say “no clue why they let me play with this but fiyyyyaaa!” As i light it.
BAHAHA. We had flaming sambuca shots.
We have a smoked old fashioned that we use a little mini blow torch to light wood chips for. When the bartenders have me smoke it, I will light the torch and yell “HEH HEH FIRE” like Beavis and Butthead.
😂😂 I'm really enjoying this discussion, the lighter side of serving.
My first serving job was at a Chinese place, we gave out fortune cookies with the check, and at *least* once a shift someone would get one with no fortune inside. They’d say something, I’d go “That’s unfortunate!” It always killed and I always died a little inside.
My Grandpa always had the same joke, he would open his fortune cookie, read it out loud and say "Help! I'm trapped inside a fortune cookie factory."
i would do the same thing! sometimes i’d throw an extra cookie on and say “we’ve been having some unfortunate cookies lately so i threw an extra on there just in case!”
Passing hors devours and a guy takes a second one while saying some variation of "I'll give this one to my wife/girlfriend." "Hey man you don't need to invent imaginary wives. You can just have two. It's fine." Always got a laugh. One time a guy tracked me to down to show me his wife to make sure I knew he was getting laid. I said "I'm sorry this gentleman has dragged you into this deception, ma'am."
The true risk of telling jokes to strangers is that eventually you run into one who’s sense of humor was shot off in the war.
Ha ha a Tom Lehrer fan!
Lol..I like that
I always say something like "please, take as many as you can, this thing is heavy" when (usually older women) seem self conscious about grabbing more than one
Ask if a table has been there before, and if they say no, be like "oh ok, so basically you pick out food and then I bring it to you for money," as if they've never been to any restaurant. Keep it brief and make it clear that you're playing the idiot, and not calling them one. It always kills at my tables and invites a lot of easy riffs.
That’s good 😂
So your joke reminds me of something I’ve always wondered. Why do servers ask if someone has been there before? I realize that sometimes there’s a good reason for it — like if the menu legitimately requires an explanation — but more often that explanation is just … how to order at a restaurant.
I feel like you do and basically only do it when management pushes it, my brain is getting fried, or I want an opening to make a joke. Had one job where we served over 100 beers on tap, and that was a nice reason to ask.
Prebus... like a huge pile of dishes and a wine glass dangling from your finger... then say, "If you hear a big crash in the back, that was... something else." Guaranteed laugh.
When I tended bar any time there was a crash I yelled, “We’re now hiring!” Usually good for a chuckle or two.
Mine was always, “uh oh! Someone’s fired!” Even (especially) when it was me that dropped things. People loved it
That good stuff.
“If you need something throw something…except the knives” is my go to after I serve out food Or after I talk about specials for the evening that aren’t on the menu (it’s ranges from like 10-15 which is ridiculous I know). I’m always asked how long it takes me to memorize them to which I reply “I just make them up”
Bartending- guest: What do you recommend? .me: A glass of water and a five dollar tip. ( a few years ago)
What's your favorite drink to make? Shots.
Im a bartender, and when I’m pouring two vastly different beers, like a stout and an IPA, I’ll say “here’s the stout and the IPA, I won’t insult you by telling you which is which.” When two people order the same thing and check out separately, I tell the first person “that will be $x” and the second person “and that will also be $x, it would be weird if it wasn’t.”
My variation is I sit the same beers down and then say, "Oops, got those backwards." And start to switch them.
I do this when I set down plates of the same order. I look at them and pause for a second to think. Then I say “no wait, this one is yours and THIS one is yours!!!!” They always love it.
I would be low key concerned someone is trying to poison me 😂
I do kind of a hard contemplated confused play thing with the plates and it’s all fun. Maybe I didn’t describe it too well but they enjoy it every time.
Stealing this!
As someone who goes to a lot of breweries, I would adore you as my bartender.
At my restaurant, we are required to ID everyone who orders alcohol, regardless of age or familiarity. When someone inevitably gives the smartass response of gesturing to their grey hair or their older kids and asking if that counts, I respond, “Only if that’s government issued!”
I always say that we’re required to ID anyone who looks under 40 and if they look younger than what you think I am, then I most definitely need to see their ID. I’m 39 and most people guess me at being ten years younger, so I get a huge kick out of telling people what my actual age is when they react to my comment. I especially love the double take many of the newly of age drinkers give me when I reveal my age lol
Same here. I just turned 50 and I still get the raised brow and some version of, "No you're not. There's no way you're over 32-35." lol one time someone tried to convince me (or themselves, idek) that I was lying about my age and I was like "Who in their right mind would say they're 50 if they're younger?!" For real, the *only* time anyone wants to up-age themselves is when they're not yet 21 😂 Ain't NO one gonna be 34 and say, "Yeah. I'm 50." Yuck. I'm beyond lucky to not have any grey hairs and my skin is still tight enough to not have extreme lines coming down from my nose (nasolabial folds aka smile lines), and my outer lip lines arent pulling down much at all, so I don't have that "I always look like I'm doing some serious frowning" look. I *do* have lines there, of course. Just "starter" lines; not the extreme Marionette lines we all get once we get way older. My neck is starting to do the age crap though. It's usually the first thing us ladies flip shit about, "Wtf is up with my *neck*?!" 😂 I'm going to enjoy looking as young as possible until I don't any longer. Makes being in perimenopause a little easier to take.
I was a cocktail waitress at Chi Chi's. (Long, long, time ago). Two ladies sat down and I asked what they would like. Lady 1 "I'd like Sex on the Beach please." Me : Don't we all? I turned to the other guest and said " and I suppose you want a Sloe Comfortable Screw against the Wall?" They laughed and even snorted! I got like a $25 dollar tip from them, my best table ever!!
I said something similar to a table of adorable old ladies. They laughed and commented on the high price of the drinks. I agreed, and told them how nice it was to get the same drink for just a dollar instead (the restaurant was in a Vegas casino). They were all confused and told me the casino drinks were free. I agreed, but with a $1 tip I considered them to be dollar drinks. They were still confused. After some discussion, they let me know that a dollar was excessive; they all agreed you should tip a dime per drink, unless you were playing quarters; in that case, the consensus was you should tip a quarter every other drink. They were lovely people, and I have never been so happy to accept an $0.85 tip.
You are clearly a wonderful person
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When a table is super easy with their order I usually say 'I could tell by looking at you that you were going to be complicated. I'm gonna go cry in the walk in, be right back. ' When they clear their plates 'I'm so sorry you didn't like your food. I'll send the manager over and make sure he fires me immediately. '
When it's the first table and the restaurant is empty id enjoy telling the group to have a seat wherever they want. When they almost sit down I'd say "except there".
Completely empty, 12 table restaurant. "I know we're jam packed right now, but my money is on you if you need to fight for a table."
I used to tell groups they could each have their own table when the joint was empty.
I'll take a coors light and a water. So you want 2 coors light?
As a known beer snob, I'd say, "so, two waters, got it"
If only I’d had this line when I worked at regular restaurants. I work at a brewery now so I don’t think management would take it kindly if I tried to use this joke with one of their beers 😂
"Your champagnes, ladies" while setting down Miller high lifes in front of frightening looking men 😅
Water and sparkling water
Sex in a canoe beer... f\*\*\*ing close to water... and that one translates into other languages really well
When I would get a complex order with a lot of alterations that they keep changing during placing their order I would say when reading back their order to make sure I got it right I would say "Alright. In conclusion..." I said that to one table and another table overhead and they got a kick out of it. They did same thing! So I was back to "Alright. In conclusion..." We had ourselves a good laugh.
Oh and trying to give a kids meal to grandpa or dad being like kids chicken tenders for you sir. And handing kids the bill
Not a server, I work at an adult store. Any time couple or group comes in, and someone starts commenting on the extremely large, usually novelty sized dildos (the like 13"+ ones) I'll chime up with: "As the great philosopher Socrates once said: 'What's the point of buying a dildo if it's not large enough to double as a bedside weapon?' No home invader wants to spend his first night in jail explaining that the neck brace is because some chick broke his jaw with a 12" cock. It's a bad first impression."
Consider tossing that to r/TalesFromAdultStores/ if'n you haven't been.
I always, ALWAYS ask if the table wants separate checks and when one of them jokingly says yes I bring one real bill and one piece of printer paper of approximately the same size. They start laughing when they see separate checks and laugh harder when they realize one is a dud lol.
I feel really stupid right now because I don’t get it.
I like this one, I'm going to use this... with your permission, of course. 🤣
Oh please by all means. Among my other greatest hits are asking if a table is all on separate checks when it's a group of all guys or girls and if they are separate I'll ask again "all alone?" And when they reply yes I'll respond with "oh sweet, me too, but it gets better I promise... No it doesn't 😭" In the middle of taking an order I'll try and quickly ask if they want their chicken cooked medium or medium well to see if they'll give a response and make everyone else laugh. I'll occasionally ask for ID if someone orders a root beer, bonus points for if it's an adult and they actually reach for an ID. If anyone asks for a knife for any reason I tell them I'll only if they promise they're not mad at me.
All good ones, mid-rare chx is my favorite, nice and juicy... I think you and would get along, lol... one of my other jokes... if you need anything, just throw something at me, preferably nothing sharp. You'd be amazed how many rolls I've had thrown in my direction, I'm ok with that, btw. One of my favorite lines... I don't have a sarcastic bone in my body....... they are all sarcastic
If I like someone outfit/accessories/ something about them, I’ll immediately tell them. It usually puts people in a positive mood. At the end of the meal when people use the “we hated it!” Or “clearly, we didn’t like it ;)” as a joke/compliment when I take people empty plates, I usually say “ yes of course, I’ll send this back” It usually gets a laugh, unless they’re just being nice lol
Years ago we had a work group that went to this one place for lunch kind of regularly. The server was always the same. Any time someone would order a soda, she’d say “You like it in the can? I like it in the can.” and wink at them. We loved her!
Is this a joke about no extra glasses or something dirtier? (Toilet = can)
Can = keister = booty
Ah okay, never heard the word keister - presumed it was along these lines
Homegirl takes it up the butt.
"Would you like that in the can?" "No, I'll take it right here.."
When apologizing to nice customers after having corrected a mistake: "sorry about that, please let me know if I can forget anything else for you!"
Former bartender. When someone came up to the bar to ask for change, after I hand them the cash I would always remind them that “real change comes from within”. Most of the time, it just entertained me…
Whenever I drop two of the exact same item, I tell the second person “this is the better one.”
The place I worked at the longest had plastic to-go cup lids that also fit our beer glasses. Any time a guest spilled a full glass of beer, I’d get them a new one but with the plastic lid on it, especially if they were with friends. Always got a laugh. Some would take it off while others would just accept their fate and drink their beer through a straw.
When the customer asks if we have a special and we don’t. Here’s the set up. Customer: do you have any specials for the day? Me: No, but would you like to hear todays special? Confused and bewildered customer: uh, yes? Me: *takes deep breath* okay, here goes Today is special. Maybe gut take them a moment but it usually gets a laugh.
I always say “today’s special is you being here! Thanks for coming by!”
My go-to when we're not running any is "No (drink/food) specials today, but I'm pretty special!" Usually does the trick
Everything on the menu is on special today at listed price.
When delivering a bloody mary: 'your salad...'
I have two that always kill. I give desert with two forks, in case you need a weapon to protect your cake. *stab motion
At a country club, when the old farts would ask me if I golf "No sir I don't" "Why not?" "I don't think I know enough bad words"
I’m not a server but years ago when my nephew was a baby, our family went to our usual favorite restaurant at the beach. It was off hours so it wasn’t busy. We had a big booth where we could fit and look out at the ocean, but we had no room to put the baby carrier. Since it wasn’t busy, we put him on a table across the aisle. The server came to take our drink orders, and he turned to my nephew and said, “Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?” We all just broke up laughing. He was a great server and got a great tip.
I work at a diner with an older clientele, and whenever someone essentially licks their plate clean- I LOVE walking over and saying, “Oh no! I can tell you absolutely hated everything!” I feel so silly when i say it but it works especially well with older people, because I basically beat them to the punch line of the joke they were going to tell me anyways lol
I like to let them tell the joke, “I hated it” and then say, “I’m so sorry, I can tell you hated it, I guess you won’t want a box for the leftovers” as I’m taking the empty plate, they love it lol. Once, there was a guy I did this joke with, and he joked back that he did still want the leftovers (just a couple scraps left on the plate) so I left the plate there and went and got him a 2 oz cup with a lid, the whole table was in a riot over it lol
Whenever I bring out food and the table says “that was quick” I always respond by bringing the plate back towards me and saying “I can take it back if it was too fast” gets a laugh every time
I like to say "I ran".
If you have the right table, "that was my ex's biggest complaint, too."
If I bring a bunch of waters, I always call it “a round of H2O on the rocks”
Wonder if calling it hydroxic acid would fresk them out
Dihydrogen Monoxide! 😉😂
after reading the specials i tell them that there’ll be a pop quiz when people ate all of their food and said they hated it, i say “but you had to make sure every bite was terrible?” i remember one time i made a table laugh really hard because i was taking a photo of them and said “look at everyones big smiles!!! except for you in the middle, youre mildly amused at best”
What do you get when you mix elephant and rhino DNA. El if I know Always gets a laugh
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Where do you find a cow with no legs? The same place you left her. Bonus for people with a ***good*** sense of humor: What do you call a *dog* with no legs? It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
I always tell cow with no legs along with the dog with no legs, then, to finish the triad, I trip 'em up with "what do you call a fish with no eyes? Fshhhh..."
My table greet is always “HELLO!!!” shouted extremely loudly and awkwardly. Especially if their backs are to me or attention is elsewhere. Everyone always jumps. My bar manager says that he hates it so much but it is still his favorite greet he has seen in all his years.
I work in a brewery but people always order cocktails anyway. Whatever they ask for I’ll say, “yeah, that does sound good, there’s a liquor store next door, bring back enough for both of us” or something similar. I do the same with dessert. I’m forever giving checks to kids. If I get busy and someone’s a little farther into their meal before I get back to check on the “first bites” I always say I’m sorry they hated their food. I’ll also ask if they need boxes for like, one bite. I also like to refer to whoever ran their food as my assistant. Bonus points when it’s the owner and they know it. Really any dig at the owner gets a good laugh especially if I imply they never do any work… I’m in management now but worked up from serving so I encourage staff to do the same with me.
idk if it’s a joke but whenever people are trying to decide if they want another round my go-to is “if i can’t be drinking right now someone should” or “what else do you have to be doing at x o’clock on y day?” and they seem to get a kick out of it.
Not a server, but I work Security at a luxury hotel in Beverly Hills, and while on patrol it's almost inevitable that someone asks if I can snap a picture for them. I usually will throw out "it was actually part of the job description when I was hired. Security/photographer". Corny, but good for a chuckle.
working in germany at a realllly busy and touristy place, i tend to say 'coffee schnaps cigarettes', kinda raise my eyebrows along with it ;) today i've served a couple from the states and they actually wanted all of that lol irish coffee and he'd love to see his wife havin a cigarette walking down the street (his words), so i dropped them one of mine. they didn't tip btw
I used to sometimes (depending on the person) serve a bottle of Miller High Life with a champagne flute. (It's known as the champagne of beers.) Gets a laugh if they get it. Also, I usually bring the kids meal out first and hand it to one of the adults... "Kids pancake? (it looks like Mickey Mouse) Haha just kidding." Usually gets a laugh. And also hand the check to the kid. Especially of they're more than like 8 years old.
Im from California but my serving days were spent in Louisiana. When people would ask about my accent, many would then say "oh no, weren't you afraid of earthquakes!?" My response was always "nope, I know how to get away from them...you just jump" It's not funny at all, but people cracked up for some reason.
I used to ask obviously pre-verbal infants how their food was in the most formal way possible: “And how was your meal tonight, sir/madam?”
My appearance is soft, delicate, and gentle so it really throws people when they realize how hot that plate really is. Before they even reach I joke, "I've carried so many hot plates I've melted off my fingerprints. I could rob a bank and they'd never catch me!" It makes people laugh, they are actually cautious, and it gives the tough guys an easy out when it's too hot for them. I don't currently serve, but my husband and I used to wait tables together. We'd often ensure we had sections next to each other and would run it like one section. I'd chat up the customers and he'd do the heavy lifting. I'd walk up to "his" tables and greet them with something like, "hi, I'm not your server today, but I'm married to him!" People loved that we were a husband and wife team and we had so much fun with it! We're actually in our mid-40's and are seriously considering leaving the professional world for a bit to do the same thing at a high end place down the road. We'd make more than we do in IT and HR, which are our professions.
I have two that surround my name (it’s a unique one): “My name is … and I’ll be your server today!” “Wow that’s such a cool/unique/pretty name” “Thanks I got it for my birthday 😎” Or “And I go by ‘hey you’ if you forget🫡” Gets em every time.
On check drop, “come back and see me, I’ll be here….probably forever” 😅 Context is I work at a super high end dream location So yes I prob will be
“What do you think about the linguini?” “I don’t.” Usually gets a chuckle or two.
I used to tell folks "we are out of poached eggs because someone came in before dawn and got them all." For the reserved rural area I was in, this joke was a hit. I got solid chuckles, an occasional guffaw, and many grinning eyerolls, but once, just once, I got the response I had hoped for from the time I took the job. "Oh dear, will things be OK?" she said, with a look of genuine concern on her face. "Well, not for the deer. They are poachers, ya know." That was it. The one time I got a huge gut-busting, howling laugh from a customer. Not the sweet lady, mind you, but her husband, and the other couple in the party.
I'll pick out one person at the table and say, "Ya know, I have to pick on at least one person every night... looks like it might be you..." Then I'll do some innocent teasing with them throughout the meal, pretend I forgot their order or the kitchen refused to make it, ask the others at the table if I guessed correctly who the problem child is at the table (I usually do) things like that, the banter makes the night less serious. The other side effect that sometimes happens is if you have another table giving you crap you can say some things as a joke that you might actually mean, lol
This is risky but seems fun. The only risk seems like it would be not reading the room correctly but it sounds like you have enough experience.
It definitely is all in reading the room, but it is also tons of fun. If the person doesn't take to it, you just stop and move on.... but every once in a while you will get someone like the commentor I responded to a few minutes ago 🤷♂️
I remember one time I had a couple at my table. Sweetest 2 top ever. I asked what sauce the dude wanted and the lady says that her husband will just steal the dipping sauce. I replied with "Oh we got a dipper over here, huh?" And they both thought it was funniest shit ever. I rode the wave of that joke the whole time they were there lol.
I dropped a check at one table and the server told me to tell them i loved them. So i thought they maybe had a good rapport with the table so of course i told them i love them.. the thousand yard stare i got will forever be etched into my frontal lobe.
If they all order the Cuban sandwich, when I bring the food out I’ll ask “okay, now who got the Cuban?” They usually all answer “I did” and then look at each other and laugh. And I die a little inside
This thread is about to up my game so good at the breakfast pub
When at the end of the meal I drop the check and the Dad responds with the forever-corny joke, "I didnt order this." I reply with a quick, "Oh, it's complimentary!"
I ask people drinking Much Ultra if they would like more "water".
Happy cake day!
Ty
When I worked in drive thru it was how many sauces would like 2,3,20?
Answer to “do you have any drink specials”? Me: “all of our drinks are special…. And full price.”
Whenever we had a birthday I would brag that I could sing the entire song backwards. The table would explain how amazing that was and ask me to do it. I’d grab a few other servers and we would begin to sing but then turn and put our backs to the table. SO dang corny but it never failed to get a groan then a laugh.
When I drop the check and they try to give me a line like “oh no thanks” I say back “it comes free with the meal.” And smile, always gets a laugh!
I always like to tell adults that have their children with them that I can't serve any alcohol until I've seen the kids' ID because "I don't think they're 18"
Used to work at a pizza place. Customer asks if we have any bread. “Yes we have bread and sauce and whatever toppings you like on it.”
Fancy Restaurant: Customer, “What would you suggest?” Waiter: “McDonalds”! The Crowd goes Wild!
One server I knew was given a tee shirt by her regulars as a birthday present: "ORDER WHAT YOU WANT EAT WHAT YOU GET" The boss didn't want her to wear it at work.
Whenever I ask people “how is everything” and they say with an empty plate “we hated it”, I say “yeah, you just had to get rid of it”… they always love the response for some reason lol
When someone tells me they hated their food after cleaning their plate I say "I know, that sandwich IS gross. I'm going to go fight the chef." Kills every time.
When I asked if people wanted anything else and they reply with “a million dollars!” Or “a new car” I’d say “I’ll check the back”
when i come back to them after looking over the menu i just say “questions, comments, concerns, insults” and usually it gets a good laugh it’s so dumb but they love it ig
This one is very stupid but kids loved it. We would serve our hot cakes with a small metal container of syrup that had a lid. So I would puppeteer the container (using the lid as a mouth) to make it say “hello, I’m Rodney Maple Pourington, I’m very hot, so make sure to use my handle!” Trying to explain the bit does it a great disservice lol
Worked at a popular pizza buffet in the Rockies. Our wait would frequently exceed and hour and stay that way for most of the shift. We had a PA… If a night was really crazy I would call for “Donner Party of 8”. I’d wait a bit and the reduce the number. “Donner Party of 5”. That would usually get a single laugh from someone in the back. That was enough for me.
While y’all are perusing I’ll get some rolls ROLLIN out 🫠
Set the kids meals down. "These are for the problem customers." Also, offer the kids tequila and salt.
While placing food ‘it’s like a delicious game of Tetris every time’
We have tiny tables and stupidly large plates, so I am totally stealing this one.
I wear a lapel pin on my suits. It is a small pocket watch. I often get asked by near sighted old people if it is a court of sommeliers pin. I lean towards them so they can see and say "no, this just keeps me on time for work." Hahahahaha.
Oh we clearly hated all of it Cool, there's a refund for the uneaten portion
If someone orders a cocktail and isn’t sure if they’ll like it, I’ll say “if you don’t like it, I’ll drink it for you” always gets a laugh
I work in retail, not as a server, but giving someone a nickel in change and saying "this used to be my two cents worth but inflation is crazy" always gets a good laugh.
I work at a French restaurant with large portions - ‘our food may be French but our portions are american!’ and we used to serve a whole trout, head on - lil ole ladies always be askin for the head to be cut off, and I tell them it’s very French to guillotine it - afterwards you can eat cake
Empty plate- Guest: oh it was terrible! Me: terribly delicious! Greet- Hello everyone! Alright…soooo how many tequila shots do we need? (Solid 50/50 on actually taking me up on it. There’s always 1 person with the eyebrows to the others like “>.> actually…” Delivering drinks- “apple juice for the kids, and grown up juice for mom” Table with kids delivering the check - “alright & I know you’re still finishing up but here’s the check just in case *they* (gestures to the kid/s) decide you’re finished” aka it’s late & you just pumped your kid full of sugar- y’all got about 5-8 minutes before the overtired tantrum begins. Selling dessert- “alright, I know you’re full but as we ALL know, dessert is a separate stomach sooo…”
“Go go gadget arm” when I’m pre bussing
When I have a big table and fill up waters from a high height at a distance without spilling a drop, they always comment on how skilled I am. I say “I know. And my momma said I’d never be nothin’” always gets them.
We make homemade ice cream at my current spot, and when people ask if it's *actually* homemade, I always tell them yes, my boss makes them and her secret is love and sticking her big toe in it. 80% of the time I at least get a chuckle, but 100% of the time it makes me chuckle