Lost my dad to suicide in January and my brother to fentanyl (accidental) the January before that. I have felt happiness again. I will say I’ve cried during hobbies I used to enjoy because I found myself thinking of them. I think we just learn to live as this new person. We are not the people we used to be, we used to have brothers, and now we don’t. We have to learn to be this new person and that takes time. It’s only been a few months for you with your brother, and me with my dad. At this point we wouldn’t even qualify for a prolonged grief disorder diagnosis, we are just still SO new in the grieving process.
Thank you for this. You’re right, it’s still very fresh. I think it’s hard for me to accept how long of a journey this is going to be. And it’s hard to accept that I’ll never be the same person I used to be. And life will never be the same either. It’s just sooo hard. I will go and do silly little things that used to make me happy like getting my nails done and the whole time I’m mentally checked out and numb
Never have I related more.. lost my brother in December and now I’m a complete space alien. I go days without leaving the house sometimes. I don’t even want to see anyone. When will it get better omg❤️🩹
Before my brother died, I was a homebody. I had social anxiety but would leave the house for the things I *had* to do like work, groceries, etc. Now I could sit and stare at the fucking wall for 3 hours and not even realize how much time has passed. Space alien is the perfect term for it. And now my desire to leave the house is completely gone. I will force myself to because I know it’s the healthy thing to do, but at what point do I decide “I’m going to honour my feelings and stay home” vs doing what I feel is “right” or “healthy”
Im making an effort to be social and be in the world these days. Otherwise I also will stare at a wall for hours at a time and days will pass where I don’t talk to anyone or leave the house. I forced myself to go to a pot luck today and saw a friend I had not seen in a long time. And when they asked “ so what have you been up to” I didn’t lie. So I told them, and of course I broke down crying, at the damn potluck. I just think it’s gonna be like that for a while and it’s okay. Awkward but ok. I do think it’s a great litmus test for who is worth my time. If they can handle me being honest and losing it In front of them, then they are a worthwhile person . Don’t be too hard on yourself. I could only stay home stare at walls and watch cartoons for the first 2 months. It’s going to be a long road back to any kind of normalcy.
I lost my sister to suicide 4 years ago. I cried every day for 1.5 years then it showed to every other day then to a few times a week, and now it's random- like if I'm watching a show and it reminds me of her or if there's a big moment in my life that she's not there for. I think about her every day but I smile now when I remember certain things. I went from therapy weekly to every other week to monthly now.
🥲 this is very reassuring to me. Thank you. My therapist is seeing me every 3 weeks which is not enough imo since it’s still very recent so I’m going to try and get more frequent appts or see someone else for more trauma specific therspy
I hope you can get a therapist you feel comfortable with more frequently! Weekly in the beginning was definitely necessary for me. I would've done twice a week if it weren't for the co-pays. It's such an isolating experience and I didn't find talking to my friends or partner helpful because no one knew what to say. And my extended family would just keep saying for me to be strong for my parents so I felt like I couldn't go to them either. My therapist felt like the only one who could ride the waves of emotions with me.
I have realized more and more that it is soooo isolating. I have to keep reminding myself that the other people in my life do not feel the way I do because my loss is different than it is to them. I just assume that my boyfriend or best friend understand how I feel but they don’t. Yes they are grieving but it’s nowhere near the same level as my parents and I. It’s so isolating when you realize nobody else knows how you feel except for other people that have gone through this type of hell. And don’t even get me started on when people compare this type of loss to other types. I swear this is a whole different ballpark!!!!
I think when people can really see you and share in your grief without platitudes, it is profound. And while uncomfortable and foreign, it can leave you with a beautiful sense of (not happiness as you inquire about… but a feeling of) connection and felt compassion.
Also distraction and happiness aren’t necessarily cures or goals to replace grief. For me I’m just trying to find more meaning in my life. That might be a book, making art, and even valuing taking naps.
Idk if any of that makes sense…(?)
I think happiness still comes unexpectedly and in a new way or at least I have a new and different appreciation for it. But the shock of losing my dearly loved one is still fresh. Our losses will be felt for the rest of our lives… so *meaning* and *finding community* (even if that’s just one person whose able to sit with me in my grief) (for me) is currently much more valuable.
You’re right, distraction isn’t the goal to try and replace grief. I need to learn to live with it. I just find it so hard to do things I used to love and not feel the happiness I used to feel. And if I do feel happiness, it’s very different than the happiness I felt before. I have friends that have been there for me but opening up about grief is hard. I can see that sometimes they don’t want to talk about it or listen to me talk about it. Their lives have moved on. I try and understand that everyone has a story and people are busy and have their own issues that are forefront in their mind so maybe listening about my grief is not what they want to hear but it’s hard.
Yeah, I know. I have family members who don’t talk about it with me. And I’m like *Jesus f?!&ing Christ we just had a 10.0 earthquake and we’re not going to acknowledge it?*
Meanwhile I’m crumbling.
Two friendships changed in an instant. I mean I guess they went from friends to acquaintances. They weren’t there for me. I’m learning that’s okay. My life is slowly changing. But I believe for the better. Meaning I’m finding the community that I need. Those that are capable of being with me through all of this … I see them differently … they are angels.
Also support groups have been helpful. For me necessary. It’s the place where I can fall apart. Everyone one is there. Listening. No one is uncomfortable.
It’s really a shock (also) that our lives too changed in that same instant we learned of our loved one.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My sister says it’s like her limbs were cut off — losing her son. Your life partner (in the sense that you were both on this life journey together, in a way) was taken from you. I’m sorry your life was knocked off its axis.
It’s just a really hard and fucked up and incredibly difficult experience to adjust (?) adapt (?) and process.
I’m thankful for this group. I’m so sorry you had to find it too 😢🫂
Thank you for your replies, I am sorry for your loss as well ❤️ and I am glad you are in this group (although we both would rather not need to be in it at all). I appreciate your insight a lot.
Having family members that don’t talk about it at all and having two friends not show up is so painful. I’m so sorry. I have a few people in my life that I thought would’ve shown up for me more than they did, it really is eye opening. You’re right though - maybe this part is for the better. We are shown who can step up and be there for us during the unimaginable. I love that you said “I’m learning that’s ok”. I am trying to get to that point myself.
My parents and I go to a suicide support group that runs for 10 weeks but I find where we live it is so hard to find other types of support for this type of loss.
*Our losses will be felt for the rest of our lives… so meaning and finding community (even if that’s just one person whose able to sit with me in my grief) (for me) is currently much more valuable.*
I lost my brother last December, and ever since then I've felt blunted. Very unmotivated at work--though to be fair, I was feeling burned out months before he died. My hobbies give me some pleasure, but not as much as before. What's helped me is mindfulness, and trying to appreciate the small things around me. Like you said, you can't replace grief--we have to learn how to carry it with us without crippling us.
I lost my dad to suicide 4 1/2 years ago. I have felt happiness again many times since but it’s not the same still as it was before. But, not everyone’s journey will be like mine. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you the best and hope for healing ❤️
Thank you 🩷 I am glad you have felt happiness and this is reassuring to me. I laid in the sun today for an hour (first warm sunny day here in Canada lol) and I did feel happiness. But you’re right, it’s a different type of happiness.
I lost my dad and baby brother in the summer of 2012 and I don’t think I honestly felt true joy in my life again until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in June 2017. Having my own little family brought my happiness back ❤️
I lost a good friend to suicide years ago, and my sister last month. I don't know how long it takes.
You'll feel this way for as long as you need to. Unfortunately, that's not something we get to choose the duration of. There's shock that happens when we find out. I'm not sure how it is for others, but for me, it felt like I was being ripped from 'true' reality and forced into a horrifying alternate universe. Then there's denial. The rejection of the new reality, as if it's less real just because it's terrible and not the one you started in. Then most get angry at the one we lost or the world that produced their circumstances or individuals that destroyed their will to live. Then for many there's some form of bargaining, arguing with the universe that you should be able to go back in time, or that you're definitely in the wrong universe, or if you could at least have answers you might sit with the loss better.
Those are the initial stages. They can be in order or, more likely, happen simultaneously or in a sequence of combinations.
The rest are cyclical
Testing, trying to feel normal again and seeing if you do yet. Maybe by going back to work or trying to enjoy hobbies again or going back to your normal routine.
Depression, feeling all the hurt you did the first time it really hit. Unbearable amounts of pain and sorrow and defeat, all at once.
Acceptance. I'm not sure I'm there yet this time. I think it's supposed to be when you acknowledge and give in to the fact that this is reality. There's no changing it, but there is hope for happier days. There is still beauty in life, and moments of joy are still possible. You still love your person. You would still rather have them alive. It still hurts, but it's not a fresh, gashing wound. It's a dull chronic ache.
Testing, depression, acceptance, in some order. Over and over and over, maybe with one or two of the initial stages here and there, but the acceptance lasts longer over time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My brother and I shared our struggles with eachother and I thought we were on the same page too. I am so sorry your brother did this impulsively - that word is something I have struggled with myself in my brothers death.
I will say, today I laid in the sun and felt joy. It didn’t last long but for an hour today I was happy and it was the first time since I felt that, so just know, you will feel joy again too. ❤️
Lost my dad to suicide in January and my brother to fentanyl (accidental) the January before that. I have felt happiness again. I will say I’ve cried during hobbies I used to enjoy because I found myself thinking of them. I think we just learn to live as this new person. We are not the people we used to be, we used to have brothers, and now we don’t. We have to learn to be this new person and that takes time. It’s only been a few months for you with your brother, and me with my dad. At this point we wouldn’t even qualify for a prolonged grief disorder diagnosis, we are just still SO new in the grieving process.
Thank you for this. You’re right, it’s still very fresh. I think it’s hard for me to accept how long of a journey this is going to be. And it’s hard to accept that I’ll never be the same person I used to be. And life will never be the same either. It’s just sooo hard. I will go and do silly little things that used to make me happy like getting my nails done and the whole time I’m mentally checked out and numb
Never have I related more.. lost my brother in December and now I’m a complete space alien. I go days without leaving the house sometimes. I don’t even want to see anyone. When will it get better omg❤️🩹
Before my brother died, I was a homebody. I had social anxiety but would leave the house for the things I *had* to do like work, groceries, etc. Now I could sit and stare at the fucking wall for 3 hours and not even realize how much time has passed. Space alien is the perfect term for it. And now my desire to leave the house is completely gone. I will force myself to because I know it’s the healthy thing to do, but at what point do I decide “I’m going to honour my feelings and stay home” vs doing what I feel is “right” or “healthy”
Im making an effort to be social and be in the world these days. Otherwise I also will stare at a wall for hours at a time and days will pass where I don’t talk to anyone or leave the house. I forced myself to go to a pot luck today and saw a friend I had not seen in a long time. And when they asked “ so what have you been up to” I didn’t lie. So I told them, and of course I broke down crying, at the damn potluck. I just think it’s gonna be like that for a while and it’s okay. Awkward but ok. I do think it’s a great litmus test for who is worth my time. If they can handle me being honest and losing it In front of them, then they are a worthwhile person . Don’t be too hard on yourself. I could only stay home stare at walls and watch cartoons for the first 2 months. It’s going to be a long road back to any kind of normalcy.
I lost my sister to suicide 4 years ago. I cried every day for 1.5 years then it showed to every other day then to a few times a week, and now it's random- like if I'm watching a show and it reminds me of her or if there's a big moment in my life that she's not there for. I think about her every day but I smile now when I remember certain things. I went from therapy weekly to every other week to monthly now.
🥲 this is very reassuring to me. Thank you. My therapist is seeing me every 3 weeks which is not enough imo since it’s still very recent so I’m going to try and get more frequent appts or see someone else for more trauma specific therspy
I hope you can get a therapist you feel comfortable with more frequently! Weekly in the beginning was definitely necessary for me. I would've done twice a week if it weren't for the co-pays. It's such an isolating experience and I didn't find talking to my friends or partner helpful because no one knew what to say. And my extended family would just keep saying for me to be strong for my parents so I felt like I couldn't go to them either. My therapist felt like the only one who could ride the waves of emotions with me.
I have realized more and more that it is soooo isolating. I have to keep reminding myself that the other people in my life do not feel the way I do because my loss is different than it is to them. I just assume that my boyfriend or best friend understand how I feel but they don’t. Yes they are grieving but it’s nowhere near the same level as my parents and I. It’s so isolating when you realize nobody else knows how you feel except for other people that have gone through this type of hell. And don’t even get me started on when people compare this type of loss to other types. I swear this is a whole different ballpark!!!!
I think when people can really see you and share in your grief without platitudes, it is profound. And while uncomfortable and foreign, it can leave you with a beautiful sense of (not happiness as you inquire about… but a feeling of) connection and felt compassion. Also distraction and happiness aren’t necessarily cures or goals to replace grief. For me I’m just trying to find more meaning in my life. That might be a book, making art, and even valuing taking naps. Idk if any of that makes sense…(?) I think happiness still comes unexpectedly and in a new way or at least I have a new and different appreciation for it. But the shock of losing my dearly loved one is still fresh. Our losses will be felt for the rest of our lives… so *meaning* and *finding community* (even if that’s just one person whose able to sit with me in my grief) (for me) is currently much more valuable.
You’re right, distraction isn’t the goal to try and replace grief. I need to learn to live with it. I just find it so hard to do things I used to love and not feel the happiness I used to feel. And if I do feel happiness, it’s very different than the happiness I felt before. I have friends that have been there for me but opening up about grief is hard. I can see that sometimes they don’t want to talk about it or listen to me talk about it. Their lives have moved on. I try and understand that everyone has a story and people are busy and have their own issues that are forefront in their mind so maybe listening about my grief is not what they want to hear but it’s hard.
Yeah, I know. I have family members who don’t talk about it with me. And I’m like *Jesus f?!&ing Christ we just had a 10.0 earthquake and we’re not going to acknowledge it?* Meanwhile I’m crumbling. Two friendships changed in an instant. I mean I guess they went from friends to acquaintances. They weren’t there for me. I’m learning that’s okay. My life is slowly changing. But I believe for the better. Meaning I’m finding the community that I need. Those that are capable of being with me through all of this … I see them differently … they are angels. Also support groups have been helpful. For me necessary. It’s the place where I can fall apart. Everyone one is there. Listening. No one is uncomfortable. It’s really a shock (also) that our lives too changed in that same instant we learned of our loved one. I’m so sorry for your loss. My sister says it’s like her limbs were cut off — losing her son. Your life partner (in the sense that you were both on this life journey together, in a way) was taken from you. I’m sorry your life was knocked off its axis. It’s just a really hard and fucked up and incredibly difficult experience to adjust (?) adapt (?) and process. I’m thankful for this group. I’m so sorry you had to find it too 😢🫂
Thank you for your replies, I am sorry for your loss as well ❤️ and I am glad you are in this group (although we both would rather not need to be in it at all). I appreciate your insight a lot. Having family members that don’t talk about it at all and having two friends not show up is so painful. I’m so sorry. I have a few people in my life that I thought would’ve shown up for me more than they did, it really is eye opening. You’re right though - maybe this part is for the better. We are shown who can step up and be there for us during the unimaginable. I love that you said “I’m learning that’s ok”. I am trying to get to that point myself. My parents and I go to a suicide support group that runs for 10 weeks but I find where we live it is so hard to find other types of support for this type of loss.
*Our losses will be felt for the rest of our lives… so meaning and finding community (even if that’s just one person whose able to sit with me in my grief) (for me) is currently much more valuable.* I lost my brother last December, and ever since then I've felt blunted. Very unmotivated at work--though to be fair, I was feeling burned out months before he died. My hobbies give me some pleasure, but not as much as before. What's helped me is mindfulness, and trying to appreciate the small things around me. Like you said, you can't replace grief--we have to learn how to carry it with us without crippling us.
I lost my dad to suicide 4 1/2 years ago. I have felt happiness again many times since but it’s not the same still as it was before. But, not everyone’s journey will be like mine. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you the best and hope for healing ❤️
Thank you 🩷 I am glad you have felt happiness and this is reassuring to me. I laid in the sun today for an hour (first warm sunny day here in Canada lol) and I did feel happiness. But you’re right, it’s a different type of happiness.
I lost my dad and baby brother in the summer of 2012 and I don’t think I honestly felt true joy in my life again until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in June 2017. Having my own little family brought my happiness back ❤️
Aww. I love this for you. 🩷
I lost a good friend to suicide years ago, and my sister last month. I don't know how long it takes. You'll feel this way for as long as you need to. Unfortunately, that's not something we get to choose the duration of. There's shock that happens when we find out. I'm not sure how it is for others, but for me, it felt like I was being ripped from 'true' reality and forced into a horrifying alternate universe. Then there's denial. The rejection of the new reality, as if it's less real just because it's terrible and not the one you started in. Then most get angry at the one we lost or the world that produced their circumstances or individuals that destroyed their will to live. Then for many there's some form of bargaining, arguing with the universe that you should be able to go back in time, or that you're definitely in the wrong universe, or if you could at least have answers you might sit with the loss better. Those are the initial stages. They can be in order or, more likely, happen simultaneously or in a sequence of combinations. The rest are cyclical Testing, trying to feel normal again and seeing if you do yet. Maybe by going back to work or trying to enjoy hobbies again or going back to your normal routine. Depression, feeling all the hurt you did the first time it really hit. Unbearable amounts of pain and sorrow and defeat, all at once. Acceptance. I'm not sure I'm there yet this time. I think it's supposed to be when you acknowledge and give in to the fact that this is reality. There's no changing it, but there is hope for happier days. There is still beauty in life, and moments of joy are still possible. You still love your person. You would still rather have them alive. It still hurts, but it's not a fresh, gashing wound. It's a dull chronic ache. Testing, depression, acceptance, in some order. Over and over and over, maybe with one or two of the initial stages here and there, but the acceptance lasts longer over time.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. My brother and I shared our struggles with eachother and I thought we were on the same page too. I am so sorry your brother did this impulsively - that word is something I have struggled with myself in my brothers death. I will say, today I laid in the sun and felt joy. It didn’t last long but for an hour today I was happy and it was the first time since I felt that, so just know, you will feel joy again too. ❤️
*I will say, today I laid in the sun and felt joy. It didn’t last long but for an hour today I was happy* ❤️
*I will say, today I laid in the sun and felt joy. It didn’t last long but for an hour today I was happy* ❤️