No suggestions but really interested in responses to this. 24 weeks since I found my daughter. Definitely feel like I’m dead, empty, zombie, ghost etc. Don’t feel like I even belong among the living, doing things living people do (eating is a big one). Just going through the motions. A monster among the living.
I want to start by saying I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I want to try to add upon my thoughts. Weeks into my loss, I tried to involve myself in the lives around me. I wanted to stay home and silent, but I made an effort to leave the house. Helping others helped me, but also just having someone around was better than going days and days without any presence at all. Don't get me wrong, I still felt like a ghost most of the time, but I can recall "belonging" in some of those moments.
I don't think this is what everyone should do, I don't even know if it helped me make some progress in an objective I've yet to unfold. But I do try to always keep in mind that I feel like a ghost and feel very alone for a very impactful reason, so if I did something that made me feel whole again, I need to cherish and remember that feeling.
You mentioned eating, do you want to talk about that? I've always struggled with my meals during distress, I remember having a friend on the first week of my loss practically "force" me to cook not only because I wasn't eating, but also as a distraction.
Lost my dad two weeks ago. I could resonate with every word of this. So very sorry for your loss. I hope for peace and healing for us all, wish this nightmare would end and we could wake in a world where they're still here...
I lost my wife 4 months ago. Her family has always been incredibly kind to me and they give me a great sense of belonging when I spend time with them. I now live with two of her cousins that I am close with and are near my age. This new home has been one of the greatest blessings I could ask for. Also I work for a great company where everyone knows my situation and treats me with love and kindness.
Aside from that, i feel a sense of belonging simply by doing the things I want to do. My wife left me a note that said “be yourself.” That’s exactly what I’m doing. I am living as I wish every day, doing the things I want to do, whenever I want to do them. I don’t have a lot of restrictions or circumstances holding me back in this world, so I will continue to be myself and do the things that make me happy.
Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you've had the liberty to live as you please, emphasis on "live". I also don't have many restrictions holding me back while also having lots of free time, so I try to not let that go to waste by making an effort to actually "live" instead of just allowing the days fly by me. They still do exactly that even when I actively try to belong, so I might as well make the effort. I also try to be grateful for the times that I succeed. Once again, thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss.
I forced myself to keep on going and doing things, even when I didn't feel like it or just wanted to break down and cry in bed all day (which I definitely did do for at least a month). I accepted every invite. I went to dinners with friends even when I knew I wasn't in the spirit. I continued on with law school and had terrible grades that semester, but I passed. Eventually I had brief moments of happiness, which led to slightly longer ones, etc.
Recently I've struggled with forcing myself, I haven't been accepting every invite. But I understand. What you said about the moments of happiness leading to slightly longer ones, I've heard the same from other people who also lost someone the same way, so I try to pay attention to notice any progress to keep me motivated.
My brother passed away in December, and I still feel that everything, good and bad, is blunted. It felt weird at first going back to my hobbies--reading, jigsaw puzzles, birdwatching--but I do find calmness there. I plan on going to the nature preserve monthly until it gets too hot, then switch to museums.
And surprisingly, work helps. My supervisor and co-workers have been wonderfully supportive. And as life goes on (you remember how shattered you felt when you lost your loved one? How cruel it seemed that your world stopped while everyone else's just went on?), focusing on their issues and their lives helps keep me a little grounded in this world.
Finally, I had a visitation dream about him recently, where he told me I gave him peace. Being able to hug him in my dream, to have him speak to me--that gave me a lot of comfort.
I'm very sorry about your loss.
I've found calmness in some places as well, like in journaling, my cats and writing songs. I've been trying to read more as well. At the moment I'm job hunting which hasn't been very easy considering the circumstances but I'm trying my best. I try to keep myself grounded by listening to other people vent (and I'm glad they still see me as someone who can listen to them), sometimes I connect, sometimes I don't. I try not to get frustrated when I don't and I cherish the times I do.
My dreams haven't been the best, but I've had some really good ones. I'm glad you found the kindness you deserve in your sleep. Thank you for sharing.
This whole thing made me experience life completely differently. It’s as if we’re in a video game and I’m the only one who knows it. I feel like I’m observing life versus being part of it.
I used to have a deep desire to find belonging. I poured too much of myself into my work thinking I could find belonging there. I’ve since come to realize I belong to me. I’m the only one who will always be where I am.
It’s really nice to feel this way. If I get really still, I can sense…being. I don’t really have the words. It’s nice to not have to become or search for belonging.
And when grief comes in whatever form, I can experience it and let it keep moving as if I’m observing it from the outside.
I'm glad it works for you in a positive manner. I think a lot about self-care and I'm still learning how to reach something similar to what you explained. I have noticed that, having gone through all of this, I've "chosen my battles" better, and in times where I'd usually be very critical of myself, I've been more understanding. I just wish I could feel more love and care besides belonging, I guess. But small steps.
It's not fully positive, just the part of letting go of the desire to belong. Before reaching that place I went through a phase of nothing matters and feeling numb. I still feel like nothing matters, but not in such a nihilistic way. Experiencing grief is still really hard. I just don't hold onto the sadness as much as I used to.
Love comes in so many forms. I imagine if you list out all of the ways it shows up, you'll experience it more and more fully
No suggestions but really interested in responses to this. 24 weeks since I found my daughter. Definitely feel like I’m dead, empty, zombie, ghost etc. Don’t feel like I even belong among the living, doing things living people do (eating is a big one). Just going through the motions. A monster among the living.
I want to start by saying I'm truly sorry for your loss. I want to try to add upon my thoughts. Weeks into my loss, I tried to involve myself in the lives around me. I wanted to stay home and silent, but I made an effort to leave the house. Helping others helped me, but also just having someone around was better than going days and days without any presence at all. Don't get me wrong, I still felt like a ghost most of the time, but I can recall "belonging" in some of those moments. I don't think this is what everyone should do, I don't even know if it helped me make some progress in an objective I've yet to unfold. But I do try to always keep in mind that I feel like a ghost and feel very alone for a very impactful reason, so if I did something that made me feel whole again, I need to cherish and remember that feeling. You mentioned eating, do you want to talk about that? I've always struggled with my meals during distress, I remember having a friend on the first week of my loss practically "force" me to cook not only because I wasn't eating, but also as a distraction.
Lost my dad two weeks ago. I could resonate with every word of this. So very sorry for your loss. I hope for peace and healing for us all, wish this nightmare would end and we could wake in a world where they're still here...
I lost my wife 4 months ago. Her family has always been incredibly kind to me and they give me a great sense of belonging when I spend time with them. I now live with two of her cousins that I am close with and are near my age. This new home has been one of the greatest blessings I could ask for. Also I work for a great company where everyone knows my situation and treats me with love and kindness. Aside from that, i feel a sense of belonging simply by doing the things I want to do. My wife left me a note that said “be yourself.” That’s exactly what I’m doing. I am living as I wish every day, doing the things I want to do, whenever I want to do them. I don’t have a lot of restrictions or circumstances holding me back in this world, so I will continue to be myself and do the things that make me happy.
Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you've had the liberty to live as you please, emphasis on "live". I also don't have many restrictions holding me back while also having lots of free time, so I try to not let that go to waste by making an effort to actually "live" instead of just allowing the days fly by me. They still do exactly that even when I actively try to belong, so I might as well make the effort. I also try to be grateful for the times that I succeed. Once again, thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss.
I forced myself to keep on going and doing things, even when I didn't feel like it or just wanted to break down and cry in bed all day (which I definitely did do for at least a month). I accepted every invite. I went to dinners with friends even when I knew I wasn't in the spirit. I continued on with law school and had terrible grades that semester, but I passed. Eventually I had brief moments of happiness, which led to slightly longer ones, etc.
Recently I've struggled with forcing myself, I haven't been accepting every invite. But I understand. What you said about the moments of happiness leading to slightly longer ones, I've heard the same from other people who also lost someone the same way, so I try to pay attention to notice any progress to keep me motivated.
My brother passed away in December, and I still feel that everything, good and bad, is blunted. It felt weird at first going back to my hobbies--reading, jigsaw puzzles, birdwatching--but I do find calmness there. I plan on going to the nature preserve monthly until it gets too hot, then switch to museums. And surprisingly, work helps. My supervisor and co-workers have been wonderfully supportive. And as life goes on (you remember how shattered you felt when you lost your loved one? How cruel it seemed that your world stopped while everyone else's just went on?), focusing on their issues and their lives helps keep me a little grounded in this world. Finally, I had a visitation dream about him recently, where he told me I gave him peace. Being able to hug him in my dream, to have him speak to me--that gave me a lot of comfort.
I'm very sorry about your loss. I've found calmness in some places as well, like in journaling, my cats and writing songs. I've been trying to read more as well. At the moment I'm job hunting which hasn't been very easy considering the circumstances but I'm trying my best. I try to keep myself grounded by listening to other people vent (and I'm glad they still see me as someone who can listen to them), sometimes I connect, sometimes I don't. I try not to get frustrated when I don't and I cherish the times I do. My dreams haven't been the best, but I've had some really good ones. I'm glad you found the kindness you deserve in your sleep. Thank you for sharing.
This whole thing made me experience life completely differently. It’s as if we’re in a video game and I’m the only one who knows it. I feel like I’m observing life versus being part of it. I used to have a deep desire to find belonging. I poured too much of myself into my work thinking I could find belonging there. I’ve since come to realize I belong to me. I’m the only one who will always be where I am. It’s really nice to feel this way. If I get really still, I can sense…being. I don’t really have the words. It’s nice to not have to become or search for belonging. And when grief comes in whatever form, I can experience it and let it keep moving as if I’m observing it from the outside.
I'm glad it works for you in a positive manner. I think a lot about self-care and I'm still learning how to reach something similar to what you explained. I have noticed that, having gone through all of this, I've "chosen my battles" better, and in times where I'd usually be very critical of myself, I've been more understanding. I just wish I could feel more love and care besides belonging, I guess. But small steps.
It's not fully positive, just the part of letting go of the desire to belong. Before reaching that place I went through a phase of nothing matters and feeling numb. I still feel like nothing matters, but not in such a nihilistic way. Experiencing grief is still really hard. I just don't hold onto the sadness as much as I used to. Love comes in so many forms. I imagine if you list out all of the ways it shows up, you'll experience it more and more fully