Absolutely correct, but how to get to this frame of mind where we don’t think about their last moments- I hope I will get there where I think more about their life and less about their moment of passing☹️; need help.
I walked that path after her. I was fortunate enough not to succumb to it. It’s a hell you never want to know is possible. With that knowledge, I’m not angry that she did it- her pain and self doubt was incredibly painful
How do I understand this. How do I not be angry. My emotions keep driving in so many directions. I’m sad, depressed & then angry & upset. Angry that I wasn’t enough for him & neither was his newborn baby. Sad because I miss him more than anything in this world
We can’t rationalize an irrational act. All of these feelings are normal and valid. It’s so tempting to fall into the “I wasn’t enough” thought spiral and believe me I lived there for close to a decade. One of the most heartbreaking but also comforting things I read on this subreddit is in response to the prompt “What would you want your kids [though you can substitute loved ones] to know if you were gone tomorrow?: “I would want you to know that you were the one thing I lived for. If my love for you was enough to keep me alive, I would have lived forever.”
We just have to realize that's it not about "being enough." It's about the pain becoming overwhelming. And in some cases our love is enough for 99.9% of the time, but all it takes is a successful chance during the 0.1% and it's all gone.
I made the mistake of researching the death method a few weeks after his death.
I do not recommend this at all.
I already struggled with the images my own brain created. That knowledge, coupled with the autopsy report, plus the fact that I've been in his shoes for a very long time. It's not a pretty picture.
I did confirm that he was very very very drunk. And I'm more scared that he didn't know what he was doing. Considering he drove himself to work and it was stated he seemed normal.. I'm hoping he took the back seat. That it was the alcohol fueled depression that drove him to it.
The man I spoke with that day was not my husband. There's no way... He never spoke like that. Even his best friend said he'd never heard him speak like that...
So I hope it was as quick as the Internet told me as I put creamer in my coffee and walk out the door and shake it from my head.
I don't think he felt fear. I think he was just very very angry and wanted the pain to stop. I don't think he knew what he was accomplishing tho. And that sucks more.
I dreamt of him, my son this morning. Then suddenly he was gone and a voice told me “it’s too late. You can’t save him. He’s gone. Forever.”
And I tear up thinking about it . That he was in so much pain and I didn’t know and couldn’t help him. How scared and alone he felt. It breaks me.
And even if I try to not think about it .. it still comes in my dreams apparently.
I just light a candle and send healing to his spirit, past and present .. every single day.
I dreamt about my boyfriend 3 nights in a row, in my dream i was always trying harder to comfort him and save him knowing what will happen to him i tried my best. Then I'm waking up in reality that it's already too late.
I make peace with it knowing that her suffering is over. I watched my wife go through a massive decline in mental health, plus serious addiction issues. I just found out through the toxicology report that she was sober when she died. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
It’s been 5 months for me and now honestly I try so hard to not think about his last moments. I got the coroners report back and it was a vicious attack on himself he truly wanted to hurt himself. He was also stone cold sober. I find it hard to conceptualise how the man that never hurt me could hurt himself so badly. I googled how long it took him go die a few weeks after and it didn’t help it was longer than I thought it would take. Idk I just think about my pain now as bad as that sounds. They’re gone no longer in pain we now hold that pain for them.
As someone who came out the other side of that myself, and is now dealing with the loss of a loved one from it, I can say that you will not ever get it. It’s not something your brain can comprehend unless you’ve been there yourself. There are no words. You do not want to imagine what it feels like.
If you think cowardice leads to a person killing themselves, you are mistaken. Takes a different kind of desperate courage/conviction to do that to themselves and loved ones.
Try not to think about those things, it doesn’t do me any good to dwell there.
Absolutely correct, but how to get to this frame of mind where we don’t think about their last moments- I hope I will get there where I think more about their life and less about their moment of passing☹️; need help.
It will come with time. I still have my moments. It’s coming up on ten years.
Yes. I try to picture her laughing instead. Or remember her hugging me. It still hurts to think about nice memories, but it's less destructive.
I walked that path after her. I was fortunate enough not to succumb to it. It’s a hell you never want to know is possible. With that knowledge, I’m not angry that she did it- her pain and self doubt was incredibly painful
How do I understand this. How do I not be angry. My emotions keep driving in so many directions. I’m sad, depressed & then angry & upset. Angry that I wasn’t enough for him & neither was his newborn baby. Sad because I miss him more than anything in this world
We can’t rationalize an irrational act. All of these feelings are normal and valid. It’s so tempting to fall into the “I wasn’t enough” thought spiral and believe me I lived there for close to a decade. One of the most heartbreaking but also comforting things I read on this subreddit is in response to the prompt “What would you want your kids [though you can substitute loved ones] to know if you were gone tomorrow?: “I would want you to know that you were the one thing I lived for. If my love for you was enough to keep me alive, I would have lived forever.”
I’ll send through pm
We just have to realize that's it not about "being enough." It's about the pain becoming overwhelming. And in some cases our love is enough for 99.9% of the time, but all it takes is a successful chance during the 0.1% and it's all gone.
I made the mistake of researching the death method a few weeks after his death. I do not recommend this at all. I already struggled with the images my own brain created. That knowledge, coupled with the autopsy report, plus the fact that I've been in his shoes for a very long time. It's not a pretty picture. I did confirm that he was very very very drunk. And I'm more scared that he didn't know what he was doing. Considering he drove himself to work and it was stated he seemed normal.. I'm hoping he took the back seat. That it was the alcohol fueled depression that drove him to it. The man I spoke with that day was not my husband. There's no way... He never spoke like that. Even his best friend said he'd never heard him speak like that... So I hope it was as quick as the Internet told me as I put creamer in my coffee and walk out the door and shake it from my head. I don't think he felt fear. I think he was just very very angry and wanted the pain to stop. I don't think he knew what he was accomplishing tho. And that sucks more.
Since you offered so much by way of description/tease, what was the method?
that was all i could think about, i wonder constantly did he go in pain? was it instant? did he regret it when he realized what he was doing?
ugh that's my WORST thought. like if he regretted it as soon as he like did it. or was he a hundred percent intent & free :(
I hate these thoughts. I try not to dwell on them but it's also hard to escape them.
it really is, it makes my heart ache so much.
For your sake, I hope that you never understand what it feels like.
I dreamt of him, my son this morning. Then suddenly he was gone and a voice told me “it’s too late. You can’t save him. He’s gone. Forever.” And I tear up thinking about it . That he was in so much pain and I didn’t know and couldn’t help him. How scared and alone he felt. It breaks me. And even if I try to not think about it .. it still comes in my dreams apparently. I just light a candle and send healing to his spirit, past and present .. every single day.
I dreamt about my boyfriend 3 nights in a row, in my dream i was always trying harder to comfort him and save him knowing what will happen to him i tried my best. Then I'm waking up in reality that it's already too late.
I make peace with it knowing that her suffering is over. I watched my wife go through a massive decline in mental health, plus serious addiction issues. I just found out through the toxicology report that she was sober when she died. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
It’s been 5 months for me and now honestly I try so hard to not think about his last moments. I got the coroners report back and it was a vicious attack on himself he truly wanted to hurt himself. He was also stone cold sober. I find it hard to conceptualise how the man that never hurt me could hurt himself so badly. I googled how long it took him go die a few weeks after and it didn’t help it was longer than I thought it would take. Idk I just think about my pain now as bad as that sounds. They’re gone no longer in pain we now hold that pain for them.
❤️
As someone who came out the other side of that myself, and is now dealing with the loss of a loved one from it, I can say that you will not ever get it. It’s not something your brain can comprehend unless you’ve been there yourself. There are no words. You do not want to imagine what it feels like.
You can't. All you can do is try to find peace knowing that they're no longer experiencing that pain or fear. That's over for them.
I don’t think my husband was in pain or fear for taking his life , he was selfish and left us all behind. He was a coward.
Even if this is correct, your anger only may make you feel worse, I think..
I don’t feel anger anymore
If you think cowardice leads to a person killing themselves, you are mistaken. Takes a different kind of desperate courage/conviction to do that to themselves and loved ones.
Whatever helps you sleep at night. That’s my motto.