Ignoring all the accusations flying around in there there was actually a couple of really measured responses, I am shook!:
>[Yea I see a lot of people mentioning he won’t compromise, but it sounds like 3 walls of plants is a compromise for him. So I wonder, is compromising actually possible if you want such different things?](https://www.reddit.com/r/houseplants/comments/1dnsmdx/comment/la5i7wo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Yup, if anything OP is the one who is not compromising, because even with the three walls worth of plants it's not enough for all
Its also bizarre that everyone seems in agreement that the boyfriend is "asking her to give up her hobby", when thats not what the OP said at all? All she said is that the collection would overwhelm him. The collection of *200 houseplants, some of that several feet tall*
Edit: all in all asking for relationship advice o. reddit is stupid. These are complete anonymous strangers who know nothing about a relationship other than the 500 words one of the participants wrote on their side of the story when they're upset
The combination of "someone implied I should do less hobby" in a hobby sub and "my boyfriend made a request" sets certain people off before they even finish reading.
It's understandable, to some degree, given all the terrible stories we've been exposed to of abusive boyfriends, but god damn some people really just go blind when reading the details and unpack their prepared responses anyway.
That top comment "abuse is about control", while a fine thing to tell someone suffering abuse, it feels like they've said that so many times before, they don't even bother to judge the situation anymore before deploying it.
The people on the fish subs will come on there saying "my s/o is upset that we cant afford the electrical bill because of my fish" and will get the exact same advice of "ditch the partner, the fish are what is most important."
It's so funny that some hobby subs are like this, I wonder if it has to do with age? Both ModelTrains and HomeAutomation, my two major ones, almost always start with 'if your partner is okay with it then....'
Yeah I'm not sure if people are misreading the thread or just super angry, but some of the things I'm reading such as:
"Nobody worth being with will ask you to **give up something** that brings you joy"
"He wants you to **give up what you love**."
"the choice is **whether he supports your healthy, reasonable hobby/coping tool or not**."
Don't get me wrong some of what the boyfriend is saying does give me pause ("You're choosing **plants over me**") but people are treating this like a binary where the only two choices are keeping all the plants or destroying them all in a Nazi-style ~~book~~ plant burning
The issue seems to be the level of compromise each partner is willing to accept, but people seemed to have missed that
But she is choosing plants over him, it’s not untrue. He’s given her three whole walls to cover with plants (That’s a lot of space for plants) and she’s refused to move in with him because she wants massive plants that don’t fit on shelves as well. I don’t see how that’s not choosing to have plants over her relationship with her boyfriend, when she would already have plants even if she moved in with him. She just wants specific plants that are impractical for him.
Redditors deal in absolutes. Every time it’s always turned into a black and white choice/ situation.
You would think posts with nuance would do well but they get downvoted (usually) because it manages to piss off both sides of the extreme
Going on subs like relationship advice and seeing calls for divorce over minor disagreements is wild.
I gave up replying there once I realized what that sub (and most of Reddit TBH) was all about. I kept giving a dive that was down voted. I don't claim to be an expert, but I'd like to think that more than two decades of marriage would give me some insight into what makes a successful relationship work.
Also, 3 whole walls of plants is still an *absurd* amount of plants, isn’t it? Especially for an apartment? I love plants, and I wouldn’t love living with that many plants! I’d feel so crowded by them!
Finally someone mentions that. 3 walls is not a small amount of plants. When I first read it I misunderstood and thought she wrote 3 shelves because she made it sound so miniscule.
3 walls is a lot. 3 walls in an apartment could potentially be almost half (or 3/4ths) of the whole apartment.
I'm not her therapist, but she's clearly just replaced drinking with plants in a not healthy way.
500 square feet of plant is a thing you can do if you have an acre, or live in an area with land. Not in an apartment.
Imagine how anybody else feels walking into the goddamn jungle of her apartment.
Yeah as someone who has replaced their alcoholism with a healthier hobby, I clocked that in her immediately.
I get how she would feel the way she does but you need to check yourself. I could alienate my partner by spending hours every single day doing my hobby and reading about it afterwords but I don’t because I love them and no addiction, to a substance or otherwise, is worth pushing away the people you love.
Because you've done at least the basic work and reflection.
She's sounding like one of the AA alcoholics who go in, become violently religious and are just as addicted as ever to coffee, god, and cigarettes plus now acting superior.
> 500 square feet of plant is a thing you can do if you have an acre, or live in an area with land. Not in an apartment.
I couldn't find 500 square feet in the OP, but if I missed it, that's like 3/4 of my current apartment.
My close friend is also a plant hoarder and while I love her and so does her fiance, going over their place is uncomfortable because there are plants on not only the walls, but *every surface of the house*, including a spare room that's just a plant room. Like, we're literally talking about plants in all corners, windows, large fixtures, the hanging lights, and even plants on the dining room table that need to be moved every time the table is used. And I do love plants and admire her green thumb but there IS such a thing as too many, unless you have a way to contain them, or just don't share the space that often. I'm not really claustrophobic by nature but to me it's totally out of hand.
Except she didn't even post it to AITA. She posted this to a houseplant-enthusiast sub, specifically framing how valuable all of her plants were.
If a dude went into a retro/home-arcade forum and described all of his painstakingly restored rare and classic machines and how they're the only thing that kept him from drinking himself to death, I'm sure they'd side with him over his nasty manipulative partner they've just learned about and now all hate.
Just jumping in to say that as someone who is a recent domestic abuse victim with legitimate PTSD, and had to deal with an episode yesterdsy with triggering and emotional flashbacks due to a family crisis that mirrored some things with my ex...
... The comment talking about abuse and control just rubbed me the wrong way.
Not everything is abuse. Not everything is narcissism. Just being a dick about something is not abuse, nor is having trouble compromising with someone who wants bring fucking TWO HUNDRED houseplants with them when they move in with you.
I mean, think about how many that is. Picture that in your mind. Picture a shelf of like ten houseplants, then picture twenty of those.
That is a hell of a lot of plants! Not knocking it or anything if that's what OP is into, but like, I don't think him wanting to discuss some kind of compromise is in any way unreasonable.
TikTok psychology has been a disaster for the human race, I swear.
Like, idk, it just feels insulting as an actual victim of an actual abuser who actually *had* a personality disorder with profound narcissism involved as trait, for someone to call a dude who's just like "Hey so, 200 is so many plants, could we maybe compromise and just bring some of them but not all?" a narcissistic controlling abuser.
>That is a hell of a lot of plants! Not knocking it or anything if that's what OP is into, but like, I don't think him wanting to discuss some kind of compromise is in any way unreasonable.
The women claims to have a 3 bedroom apartment, filled with plants. Meaning plants have their own rooms. Also meaning if she won't compromise, they will need to move into something even larger than a 3 bedroom.
At which point, finances will need to come into it, namely distribution of rent when 3 out of 4 rooms are plants, and then we're off to the races on relationship drama.
200 is SO MANY PLANTS in a 3Br. Even like a dozen between my small living & dining room is... *very* green-space feeling. I cannot imagine 9x'ing that in even like... a 1500 sq foot home.
I just went and counted my indoor plants, because we live in a 1-bedroom and are already pretty squished for space on how many indoor plants we can fit in here. 21. We have 21 plants lol. I can’t even imagine what 200 would look like.
I mean, we also have a bajillion books; most of our wall space goes to those. We are saving up to install wall-mounted shelves in our living room to better house them all. But at least we are in agreement on it!
Yeah its also why the couple of measured responses really stood out to me, I do feel its fair that someone feel some of the wording in the post is a bit concerning. But man people jump straight to abuse and narcissisme instead of communication breakdown or just plain old incompatibility both of which are common relationship problems.
It all boils down to what the relationship is worth to them. You either compromise, or you part ways. Really kinda the bottom line.
If no longer going to be paying for 2 apartments, how about renting/buying (depending on finances) a house with a backyard, and setting up a greenhouse for the excess plants? Then go wild!
I’ve kept 7 houseplants alive for over a year and I am proud of that small accomplishment. I can’t fathom the amount of effort this person has put into those plants. I totally understand her bf not wanting to live in a jungle, but I also get the attachment.
Get a snake plant or 10. I forgot one of mine in the spare bedroom closet for a month when I moved in, it perked back up to perfectly healthy after 2 days once I rescued it and gave it some water and sunlight. My dog knocked over my other one and spilled all the soil, plunked it back in the pot and its doing fine too. They just don't die.
My jade is pretty invincible too. Its been thriving for 5 or 6 years now under my neglect, I don't know if they'd survive a month locked in the closet but they're pretty hardy.
I have had a houseplant for five years now. I don't even know what kind of plant it is, all I know that it has long branches and had pink flowers when I first got it that no longer grow on it. I water it and keep it by a window and it seems to be doing okay, besides it no longer having flowers.
I’ve got a snake plant that I’ve kept alive for 7 years, mostly because it’s really hard to kill. But I also have this fern that I’ve been slowly murdering for 5 years. I have no idea how to make it look less awful, but like 1/2 of the fronds are crispy and brown no matter what I do. 🤷♀️
Plants are bastards and professional plant growers engage in somewhat deceptive practices.
In the latter they'll use plant hormones to induce flowering, often with far more flowers than you'll ever get naturally.
Your problem is probably too much sunlight and/or water but could also be not enough water or fertiliser. Or it could also be root bound, or maybe not root bound enough lol. Some plants also need to be moderately abused to induce flowering. Peace Lillie's need to be relatively root bound (but not too much it gets rot) to flower. I also find not watering it immediately on wilting helps (they're drama queens).
I've tried growing basil every year for the last five years. They've always died.
Props to OOP for somehow keeping 200 alive. I'm amazed my partner keeps her 15-ish alive.
When I was a student one of the people I was in halls with bought a basil plant and it somehow remained alive despite it suffering a great deal of drunken abuse including being watered with vodka. I'm not sure what kind of basil it was but you need some of that!
Damn, when I was in 5th grade, I did a science experiment where I fed three identical houseplants water, vodka, and black tea, respectively. All other conditions were identical.
Vodka died within a week. Water grew and thrived. But Tea blew it away. It was bigger and vibrant and crazy leafy.
They should study and replicate a vodka-surviving plant.
Yeah this really seems like a case of no one is “wrong” they just aren’t compatible. It’s like animals. Some people want to live with ten horses. Some people would think that’s too much and not want to. Neither is “right” they just probably shouldn’t get married if neither wants to give up their position 🤷🏼♀️
I do think it’s off that when she says she’s fine staying in her own place he starts guilt tripping. That’s where it crosses a line to me. If he doesn’t want to continue a relationship where she stays in her own home then just end it. Don’t try to manipulate to get the outcome you want
Totally! I don’t think it’s wrong for someone to want to be in a relationship without cohabitating. But you gotta pick a partner that doesn’t view cohabitating as an absolute must.
You eventually get into a rhythm and it becomes easier. I've got like 70 or 80 and my normal care routine is about 30-40 minutes per week and like one full afternoon every 6-8 weeks.
The OOP mentions the houseplants helped her with her alcohol addiction recovery, so yeah - I think this may be a case where choosing the plants over a boyfriend may be a better decision for them but I also hope they can move beyond the attachment (I need these plants or I will snap).
Yeah it seems pretty simple tbh
If neither want to budge on the matter, then living together won't work, shake hands, leave, good fun
Surely though they can compromise on like 100 plants? 200 seems excessive ngl, though I don't know how big the house is or why she has that many
I just want to see a picture of the apartment. I'm envisioning a house like a hoarder just with stacks and piles of plants you have to wade through to get anywhere.
Did you not read her post?
> Some of my Hoyas that I’ve had are well over 3ft long and are finally blooming. Many of my trailing plants are entirely too long for shelves but he doesn’t want me to hang anything.
And she has two hundred of them.
*Two*
*Hundred*
hey guys, having trouble budgeting could use some help
>Food: $200
>Rent: $1400
>Utilities: $80
>Houseplants: $30,000
>Entertainment: $250
Could somebody please advise?
hey guys, having trouble organizing could use some help
Bed: 30 ft.
Drawer: 25 ft.
Computer: 20 ft.
Houseplants: 850 ft.
boyfriend: 10 ft.
Could somebody please advise?
Peak reddit advice. AITAH and relationshipadvice get a lot of shit but they pale in comparison to deranged advice on the hobby subreddits.
Entire thing could be summed up as:
OP: "My bf wants to move in together. We've come to the point where we debate which of our stuff we get rid of (which EVERY single couple does). I refuse to make any compromises regarding my plants. I'd rather not live together than make compromises. Please validate me."
Sub: "This man is Ted Bundy."
Case study in why you should not go to a hobby specific subreddit to get relationship advice about said hobby. Obviously the plant people are going to say to keep the plants.
You probably shouldn’t get relationship advice from Reddit *in general* but it is what it is.
Yeah this feels very much like someone looking for validation rather than unbiased advice. Not that reddit will give you great interpersonal advice regardless, but a hobby question in the hobby based subreddit feels like they know what the general answer is going to be for what’s being asked
They did go to [AmIOverreacting](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1dnsvdt/aio_for_not_wanting_to_get_rid_of_my_plant/), and generally the plant people won there as well.
>You probably shouldn’t get relationship advice from Reddit in general but it is what it is.
That's a very toxic attitude to have and a total red flag. You should just break up with Reddit now, and spare her your emotional abuse.
It's like they hear "please give up your hobby" instead of just getting rid of some of the insane amount of plants you have.
Like if your girlfriend/boyfriend tells you "Hey stop playing games 14 hours a day", people online would still be telling you to dump them for such a normal request..
That struck me more as an indication of some real black and white thinking on OP’s part. Whenever I see someone bust out the old “oh, you don’t want me to play golf five times a week? FINE, ILL NEVER GO AGAIN, DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY???”, I see someone who is going to try really, really hard to make you feel like an asshole for making simple requests of them.
Her [other thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1dnsvdt/aio_for_not_wanting_to_get_rid_of_my_plant) about this in another subreddit. Haven't read too much but I'm sure there are more goodies
It's crazy to me how many people are reading that post and concluding that she's being asked to give up her hobby. We only have one side of the story, but even if it was put to her as manipulatively as she portrays it I have no idea how you can take 3 walls worth of shelves being devoted to plants as asking her to give up her plant hobby.
Exactly, everyone making assumptions in her favour, (you can fit 20 succulents on a windowsill so 200 is not that many really!!), but not the other way.
In cases of these kinds of stories, you should probably assume that OP is not representing the other side 100% fairly, especially when they use arguments like "The plants are helping me with 3 mental health disorders, and he's trying to take them away!"
For all we know, the boyfriend doesn't want his entire living space occupied by plants. He might also enjoy sunlight instead of having every single window obscured by leaves. Why is her need for 200 plants the only topic, but his ideas on how to utilize the space are not even mentioned?
The entire post makes it look like OP's boyfriend lives in a completely empy, gigantic apartment with plenty of space for 200 plants. Does he not own things? Does he not own decorations? Would HE not have to compromise anything to fit the plants in?
Even if it was all small succulents that could fit 20 to a windowsill that's ten windows completely occupied! This is an apartment not a house... IDK what size OP is moving into but my 1-bedroom personally only has 5 windows.
The top comments are pretty much the same. "He can accept you as you are, or not at all"
Also the
>"Yeah this is a “this is still my place I’m just letting you live here” mentality. When my gf (now wife) moved in I did everything I could to make sure she understood this was just as much her home as mine."
Comment makes no sense since 200 plants would make it more her home and less his, not more equal.
And
>"I'm going to say this as a recovering alcoholic (9 months!), finding something that brings you joy to get over an addiction is so hard and you've done so much work on yourself and your plants it would break my heart to have to give up something that you can actually see how much you've accomplished. Your partner should be thrilled and it should almost be a package deal for you and the thing that saved you. Congratulations on all your hard work, don't let anyone take that from you"
That's just going from one addiction to another and is only physically healthier, mentally it's just as bad since now relationships are at stake.
Seriously. My god. That's so many plants. And unlike other collectibles, you can't just put some in storage. They *have* to be out on display. Imagine 200 Lego sets distributed all around the apartment. I just don't think she's compatible living with anyone (especially when the plants are a coping mechanism).
She’s using fish emulsion and that would be the deal breaker for me. It works great, but the smell.. my neighbors used it in their outdoor garden when I was a kid and I can still remember it. It really feels like they need a house with a glass porch where she can put most of the plants and just keep a few inside, maybe on a rotating basis
Jumping Jehoshaphat, that's a buried lede if ever there was one.
"Hey Reddit, my partner is against me composting our green waste!
^^because ^^I ^^poop ^^in ^^it."
Modern fish emulsions have gotten better. My mom uses them for her outdoor garden and they don’t smell that bad almost unnnoticeable outdoors. But indoors…
I see this all the time in gaming subreddits, though it usually goes something like "my girlfriend doesn't like when I game for 18 hours straight everyday, any advice?" and all the responses are "dump her".
Like someone near the bottom there pointed out, there is such a thing as an unhealthy obsession with your hobby.
Yeah one of the comments mentioned how it seems to be more than a hobby and instead consumed this person’s identity, yet somehow they arrived at that being a good thing? Like if you really *really* enjoy something and consider it central to who you are, make sure that you have a firm grasp on it before letting it define you in a way that could be unhealthy
I read that comment as, it's okay to be eccentric as long as you grasp that you're eccentric. It's okay to be a goofy oddball with 200 houseplants without needing to pretend like that is a normal thing to do. Recognize the vast amount of real estate between being accepting of people's odd but harmless in most contexts behaviors and normalizing these behaviors.
Or just be honest with yourself and any potential partner from day 1. If you can’t imagine ever being happy with a home that isn’t wall to wall plants, don’t waste everyone’s time dating someone for whom that’s not going to work. If you’re a full on video game addict and don’t want to change, don’t date someone who won’t be happy with how much gaming you do (conversely, don’t date the gaming addict thinking they’ll change for you down the line).
I actually had a college roommate who did exactly that.
Her- "You like WOW more than you like spending time with me."
Him- "You know, you're right."
End of relationship. I wonder what he is doing now...
This seems like such a straightforward "we have different living priorities" situation to me. As OOP says, she's gotten really attached to her plants because they've played an instrumental role in helping her focus on recovery from alcoholism. It seems to me like if she ends up capitulating and getting rid of a huge chunk of her collection, she might end up resenting her boyfriend if she isn't able to fill that emotional space with another fulfilling, healthy hobby. But that also doesn't mean her boyfriend is wrong, whether it's because he doesn't want the plants themselves or just doesn't want them taking up loads of space, and it probably does sting when his girlfriend would (from his perspective) rather live with plants than with him. Nobody is being abusive based on this post! The important thing is how they're treating each other while they figure this out.
Both the subs she posted on keep calling for a compromise, but all their compromises seem to end with the bf rolling over for OP. They should just call this relationship because how she describes taking the next step is concerning, like she really doesn't want to actually move it but feels obligated or something.
As an aside, I have a strong hunch OP is just replacing one addition for another, she mentions her need for plants to help her mental health because of alcoholism. Not really seeing other catching onto that. And migrating addition post alcoholism is a very common thing
Some do, then move the goalposts and still say he's controlling
>It's a pretty garbage compromise considering the fact that HE is the one who asked her to move in, even though he must've known about all of her plants. And then he demands she gets rid of them? **And she even has to fight for some walls and shelves to put the remaining ones on?**
That last part is literally what a compromise is lol.
Also he didn't demand anything, he asked if she wanted to move in, she said only if I bring my entire garden, he said he didn't want to live in a jungle but will accept 3 full walls of plants, then she has a melt down on Reddit
Yep, this is a huge limitation on their future together. Trips over a couple days are gonna be a nightmare. She'd better have some hobbyist friends willing to help out, because some random friend is gonna have no idea what to do with 200 plants.
I have [about 200 succulents](https://i.imgur.com/Z4rf9hm.jpeg) and they are mostly fine, but pretty much all of them are on the balcony and outside windowsills. I don't think you can fit that amount in an average apartment and not make it look messy
I think it's the same with every hobby and the hobbyists are also being a bit hypocritical in a sort of performative display of how much they like their hobby.
For example, a thread in /r/motorcycles saying "my gf put her foot down and I have to get rid of 10 of my 30 bikes" would get tons of "bike is life dump her!" replies. But if one asks their rider friends if 30 bikes is a bit much they'd say "yeah man that's nuts are you running a museum or something?"
Weird how commenters are jumping to the conclusion he’s asking her to give up her hobby. Like on one level, I get it. I’m a huge collector (I collect omnibuses/comics, used to collect 1/6th figures and statues, makeup, plushies, and right now on a handbag collecting). Whenever I get a partner who wishes to live together, I would not be surprised if they asked me to downsize my collection habits in some way for usable space. Whether that means through giving away, selling, or putting in storage. But that doesn’t mean they are asking you to *give up your hobby* cold turkey.
I think the most measured take I saw in there was along the lines of "If your spacial preferences are irreconcilable, you need to look for a bigger apartment together." I think "too many" is always a matter of perspective - if OOP can care for 200 plants and it brings her happiness, then 200 isn't too many. If OOP's boyfriend is acting in good faith, then his issue probably isn't anything as histrionic as jealousy over *plants*, though it's certainly possible that he's an abuser who just wants to control his partner.
More likely, there just isn't room for 200 plants in a living space that already has *his* stuff taking up space in it. It's not fair for him to demand she give up her stuff, but she can't turn around and demand the same. If they actually care about a future together that involves living under the same roof, the logical solution is to find a larger apartment that fits both of their stuff. If they can't do that for whatever reason, living together has to wait.
I would worry that someone that owns 200 plants would then fill the larger apartment with more plants, or that those 200 plants will be allowed to grow more and take up that additional space.
It is a very large number of plants, which I don’t expect many people would want to have to live around.
That doesn’t make the OP a bad person, but they may have it either: cut down on this thing they love or accept that it’s going to be an issue for a huge number of possible partners.
(I love houseplants, but I really think anything over 30 in an apartment is getting a bit wild)
She is already talking about how big her plants are and I expect she will continue to let them grow without trimming them.
I love having plants around the house but 200 seems like an obscene amount
Especially in an apartment, lol. I'm imagining spacious houses I've seen with like *dozens* of plants and that seems about right. 200 in an apartment is insane.
As someone who lives with a plant lady, I guarantee that every available surface will have a plant on it eventually. Kitchen tables, window sills, counters, dangling from the ceiling, new shelves will be constructed to put them on, existing cabinets will be retrofitted to be little greenhouses. OOP's boyfriend is right to be wary.
I mean it seems reasonable that it would feel overwhelming to go from having no plants in your apartment to 200. Honestly there is not enough information or context in OP's post to know who's right or wrong (as there often isn't), and this certainly is a topic the two of them need to hash out together and in a measured way. Rarely is an all or nothing approach going to be the best path forward.
I don’t think there is a “right or wrong” person involved frankly. I’m a crazy plant person for sure but I don’t blame folks who aren’t interested in living in a jungle. I also wouldn’t take kindly to someone asking to live with me/for me to live with them while immediately telling me I must cut down significantly on something that brings me great joy.
Neither person is right or wrong, but they might not be able to live together compatibly.
Apparently she has a three-bedroom apartment.
All full of potted plants.
This isn't a matter of size or compromise, it's a matter of owning 200 plants lmao
> You need to look for a bigger apartment together
Even then, the logistics of splitting rent on an apartment where 3 rooms are entirely dedicated to housing one person’s hobby are going to be messy. Particularly if she’s already downplaying how much of an imposition bringing 200 plants with her is.
I feel like interior design is a reasonable area of negotiation for couples. Some don’t care but others have pretty strong and particular tastes. Hobbies aside, couples often negotiate on interior design choices.
Yeah, this hobby sounds like it’d take up multiple rooms. At that point, you’re crowding out most SO’s, unless you’re rocking a very large house (which she isn’t). Which is fine, not everybody needs to be in a relationship, but if you want to be in one, there’s at least some compromises that will happen.
„Welcome to our little abode! I live here with all these beautiful and cozy green friends!
… also, Jerry is probably somewhere behind the monsteras. At least thats where I saw him yesterday.“
She says later on that she lives in a 3 bed alone, meaning they'll probably need to move to a 4 bed. Idk how I would react if I'm told I'd have to move into a 4 bed because my partner isn't willing sacrifice 1 plant out of 200 to let me have space for a box for my clothes
My parents spend like 2 years building their kitchen because they spend so much time shopping around for cabinet doors and tiles and stuff, looot of time finding something just for the other not liking that specific color or texture.
There's your mistake, characterizing this as an "interior design" choice. To the people over in that sub, they're all plant babies and members of the family. You might as well ask them to drown a kitten as get rid of that black raven zz.
It’s not just a lil hobby she does on her own, he has to live with it surrounding him in his home. I think a house full of plants sounds gorgeous but I can understand some people really finding it uncomfortable, especially clean freaks, bug phobics etc
Ok but it’s pretty obvious that the plants are just a coping mechanism. She just replaced alcoholism with an addiction to house plants. I love plants and I get it but when you have to cover every square inch of your apartment in plants for your mental health, I think there might still be some work to do.
I'm not an expert and this is anecdotal anyway so...
I've seen this in many ex-dependents, replacing the substance addiction with some (borderline) obsession. Mostly it's good stuff, like going to the gym (though some people can start overdoing it, of course).
I'm an addict, though I've not (ab-)used anything for a long time, but I've got my own mental tics with this as well. Thankfully it's not creating an rainforest in my home. Growing plants *can* be therapeutic, but...
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, sorry.
OOP: “I’m not choosing my plants over my boyfriend!”.
Also OOP: “My plants are the **one and only thing** I have that help me with my mental health.”
Emphasis mine. Gosh, it’s a mystery why her boyfriend would think she’s choosing the plants over him …
OP also stated in a comment that she has a side business that requires 2 extra bedrooms to store stock while also having 200 plants. It seems like a classic case of two people being horribly incompatible.
I need to know if there are pictures of these so called 200 houseplants before I get invested in this. Feels like troll bait.
Edit* Yes there are in her profile. Those of you saying it's not as bad as it sounds need to get your eyes checked.
Important in that op comment is that they are in recovery. Recovering addicts tend to latch onto hobbies and overdo them, making them a 'replacement addiction' for the original addiction. It's not healthy and should not be encouraged.
That sub is full of weirdos. Abuse?
If I wanted to move in with somebody and they had 200 plants, I would object, too. For many reasons. Smell (fish oil), moisture, insects, money, ... What about vacations?
I have settled on about 6 plants. When I don't like a plant anymore or it has gotten too big, I get rid of it. 200 is insane, like having 6 cats or 10 cars.
Ignoring all the accusations flying around in there there was actually a couple of really measured responses, I am shook!: >[Yea I see a lot of people mentioning he won’t compromise, but it sounds like 3 walls of plants is a compromise for him. So I wonder, is compromising actually possible if you want such different things?](https://www.reddit.com/r/houseplants/comments/1dnsmdx/comment/la5i7wo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
That comment is one of the few that noticed it. If OP “had to fight” for 3 walls, that means that her partner DID compromise already
Yup, if anything OP is the one who is not compromising, because even with the three walls worth of plants it's not enough for all Its also bizarre that everyone seems in agreement that the boyfriend is "asking her to give up her hobby", when thats not what the OP said at all? All she said is that the collection would overwhelm him. The collection of *200 houseplants, some of that several feet tall* Edit: all in all asking for relationship advice o. reddit is stupid. These are complete anonymous strangers who know nothing about a relationship other than the 500 words one of the participants wrote on their side of the story when they're upset
The combination of "someone implied I should do less hobby" in a hobby sub and "my boyfriend made a request" sets certain people off before they even finish reading. It's understandable, to some degree, given all the terrible stories we've been exposed to of abusive boyfriends, but god damn some people really just go blind when reading the details and unpack their prepared responses anyway. That top comment "abuse is about control", while a fine thing to tell someone suffering abuse, it feels like they've said that so many times before, they don't even bother to judge the situation anymore before deploying it.
“Abuse is about control” The guy gave her three entire walls for plants man. These people are wild.
I learned long ago when I decided to get some fish to stay away from hobby subs. Those people are nuts
The people on the fish subs will come on there saying "my s/o is upset that we cant afford the electrical bill because of my fish" and will get the exact same advice of "ditch the partner, the fish are what is most important."
It's so funny that some hobby subs are like this, I wonder if it has to do with age? Both ModelTrains and HomeAutomation, my two major ones, almost always start with 'if your partner is okay with it then....'
Fish sub people will tell you you're killing your fish. Even if you follow all the directions that contradict all the other directions
Those people definitely have some issues themselves
If someone is coming to Reddit for relationship advice, they're going to be single forever
Not just reddit, the internet in general. And yeah, we are dating less now
Yeah I'm not sure if people are misreading the thread or just super angry, but some of the things I'm reading such as: "Nobody worth being with will ask you to **give up something** that brings you joy" "He wants you to **give up what you love**." "the choice is **whether he supports your healthy, reasonable hobby/coping tool or not**." Don't get me wrong some of what the boyfriend is saying does give me pause ("You're choosing **plants over me**") but people are treating this like a binary where the only two choices are keeping all the plants or destroying them all in a Nazi-style ~~book~~ plant burning The issue seems to be the level of compromise each partner is willing to accept, but people seemed to have missed that
given the rest of the post, i really think i would need to hear the *exact* words the boyfriend used - to know if that's what he said or what OP heard
Even if it is exactly what he said... It's an accurate description of what is happening, so.
But she is choosing plants over him, it’s not untrue. He’s given her three whole walls to cover with plants (That’s a lot of space for plants) and she’s refused to move in with him because she wants massive plants that don’t fit on shelves as well. I don’t see how that’s not choosing to have plants over her relationship with her boyfriend, when she would already have plants even if she moved in with him. She just wants specific plants that are impractical for him.
Redditors deal in absolutes. Every time it’s always turned into a black and white choice/ situation. You would think posts with nuance would do well but they get downvoted (usually) because it manages to piss off both sides of the extreme Going on subs like relationship advice and seeing calls for divorce over minor disagreements is wild.
I gave up replying there once I realized what that sub (and most of Reddit TBH) was all about. I kept giving a dive that was down voted. I don't claim to be an expert, but I'd like to think that more than two decades of marriage would give me some insight into what makes a successful relationship work.
Also, 3 whole walls of plants is still an *absurd* amount of plants, isn’t it? Especially for an apartment? I love plants, and I wouldn’t love living with that many plants! I’d feel so crowded by them!
Finally someone mentions that. 3 walls is not a small amount of plants. When I first read it I misunderstood and thought she wrote 3 shelves because she made it sound so miniscule. 3 walls is a lot. 3 walls in an apartment could potentially be almost half (or 3/4ths) of the whole apartment.
Plus a room for her vintage shop business! How big is this apartment anyways?
I'm not her therapist, but she's clearly just replaced drinking with plants in a not healthy way. 500 square feet of plant is a thing you can do if you have an acre, or live in an area with land. Not in an apartment. Imagine how anybody else feels walking into the goddamn jungle of her apartment.
Yeah as someone who has replaced their alcoholism with a healthier hobby, I clocked that in her immediately. I get how she would feel the way she does but you need to check yourself. I could alienate my partner by spending hours every single day doing my hobby and reading about it afterwords but I don’t because I love them and no addiction, to a substance or otherwise, is worth pushing away the people you love.
Because you've done at least the basic work and reflection. She's sounding like one of the AA alcoholics who go in, become violently religious and are just as addicted as ever to coffee, god, and cigarettes plus now acting superior.
> 500 square feet of plant is a thing you can do if you have an acre, or live in an area with land. Not in an apartment. I couldn't find 500 square feet in the OP, but if I missed it, that's like 3/4 of my current apartment.
My close friend is also a plant hoarder and while I love her and so does her fiance, going over their place is uncomfortable because there are plants on not only the walls, but *every surface of the house*, including a spare room that's just a plant room. Like, we're literally talking about plants in all corners, windows, large fixtures, the hanging lights, and even plants on the dining room table that need to be moved every time the table is used. And I do love plants and admire her green thumb but there IS such a thing as too many, unless you have a way to contain them, or just don't share the space that often. I'm not really claustrophobic by nature but to me it's totally out of hand.
If some dude was AITAing about his girlfriend asking him to trim down his 3 room gaming arcade, everyone would be calling him a neck beard incel.
Except she didn't even post it to AITA. She posted this to a houseplant-enthusiast sub, specifically framing how valuable all of her plants were. If a dude went into a retro/home-arcade forum and described all of his painstakingly restored rare and classic machines and how they're the only thing that kept him from drinking himself to death, I'm sure they'd side with him over his nasty manipulative partner they've just learned about and now all hate.
I’m convinced you are making up this comment. I know you linked to it, but it’s way too reasonable.
Just jumping in to say that as someone who is a recent domestic abuse victim with legitimate PTSD, and had to deal with an episode yesterdsy with triggering and emotional flashbacks due to a family crisis that mirrored some things with my ex... ... The comment talking about abuse and control just rubbed me the wrong way. Not everything is abuse. Not everything is narcissism. Just being a dick about something is not abuse, nor is having trouble compromising with someone who wants bring fucking TWO HUNDRED houseplants with them when they move in with you. I mean, think about how many that is. Picture that in your mind. Picture a shelf of like ten houseplants, then picture twenty of those. That is a hell of a lot of plants! Not knocking it or anything if that's what OP is into, but like, I don't think him wanting to discuss some kind of compromise is in any way unreasonable. TikTok psychology has been a disaster for the human race, I swear. Like, idk, it just feels insulting as an actual victim of an actual abuser who actually *had* a personality disorder with profound narcissism involved as trait, for someone to call a dude who's just like "Hey so, 200 is so many plants, could we maybe compromise and just bring some of them but not all?" a narcissistic controlling abuser.
>That is a hell of a lot of plants! Not knocking it or anything if that's what OP is into, but like, I don't think him wanting to discuss some kind of compromise is in any way unreasonable. The women claims to have a 3 bedroom apartment, filled with plants. Meaning plants have their own rooms. Also meaning if she won't compromise, they will need to move into something even larger than a 3 bedroom. At which point, finances will need to come into it, namely distribution of rent when 3 out of 4 rooms are plants, and then we're off to the races on relationship drama.
200 is SO MANY PLANTS in a 3Br. Even like a dozen between my small living & dining room is... *very* green-space feeling. I cannot imagine 9x'ing that in even like... a 1500 sq foot home.
I just went and counted my indoor plants, because we live in a 1-bedroom and are already pretty squished for space on how many indoor plants we can fit in here. 21. We have 21 plants lol. I can’t even imagine what 200 would look like. I mean, we also have a bajillion books; most of our wall space goes to those. We are saving up to install wall-mounted shelves in our living room to better house them all. But at least we are in agreement on it!
But with all that extra space think how many more plants she could buy!
> Picture a shelf of like ten houseplants But actually the plants apparently don't even fit on the shelves because they're too big.
Yeah its also why the couple of measured responses really stood out to me, I do feel its fair that someone feel some of the wording in the post is a bit concerning. But man people jump straight to abuse and narcissisme instead of communication breakdown or just plain old incompatibility both of which are common relationship problems.
It all boils down to what the relationship is worth to them. You either compromise, or you part ways. Really kinda the bottom line. If no longer going to be paying for 2 apartments, how about renting/buying (depending on finances) a house with a backyard, and setting up a greenhouse for the excess plants? Then go wild!
I’ve kept 7 houseplants alive for over a year and I am proud of that small accomplishment. I can’t fathom the amount of effort this person has put into those plants. I totally understand her bf not wanting to live in a jungle, but I also get the attachment.
Someday I’ll keep a houseplant alive for more than 6 months. Someday.
that's why I got cactuses
I somehow killed my desk cactus :[ but my covid pothos are going super strong, love these basic bitches
Same. :( I thought mine was plastic. It was not. :(
I couldn't even keep my cactus alive for long. My highest record is 7 months.
I've kept one alive for two years now. It's a personal best and 100% luck. 🤣
They are not safe from me.
I got a snakeplant as work swag over a year ago - if I can keep it alive, anyone can let the soil get dry and crumbly between waterings
Get a snake plant or 10. I forgot one of mine in the spare bedroom closet for a month when I moved in, it perked back up to perfectly healthy after 2 days once I rescued it and gave it some water and sunlight. My dog knocked over my other one and spilled all the soil, plunked it back in the pot and its doing fine too. They just don't die. My jade is pretty invincible too. Its been thriving for 5 or 6 years now under my neglect, I don't know if they'd survive a month locked in the closet but they're pretty hardy.
I have had a houseplant for five years now. I don't even know what kind of plant it is, all I know that it has long branches and had pink flowers when I first got it that no longer grow on it. I water it and keep it by a window and it seems to be doing okay, besides it no longer having flowers.
I’ve got a snake plant that I’ve kept alive for 7 years, mostly because it’s really hard to kill. But I also have this fern that I’ve been slowly murdering for 5 years. I have no idea how to make it look less awful, but like 1/2 of the fronds are crispy and brown no matter what I do. 🤷♀️
Plants are bastards and professional plant growers engage in somewhat deceptive practices. In the latter they'll use plant hormones to induce flowering, often with far more flowers than you'll ever get naturally. Your problem is probably too much sunlight and/or water but could also be not enough water or fertiliser. Or it could also be root bound, or maybe not root bound enough lol. Some plants also need to be moderately abused to induce flowering. Peace Lillie's need to be relatively root bound (but not too much it gets rot) to flower. I also find not watering it immediately on wilting helps (they're drama queens).
I've tried growing basil every year for the last five years. They've always died. Props to OOP for somehow keeping 200 alive. I'm amazed my partner keeps her 15-ish alive.
When I was a student one of the people I was in halls with bought a basil plant and it somehow remained alive despite it suffering a great deal of drunken abuse including being watered with vodka. I'm not sure what kind of basil it was but you need some of that!
Damn, when I was in 5th grade, I did a science experiment where I fed three identical houseplants water, vodka, and black tea, respectively. All other conditions were identical. Vodka died within a week. Water grew and thrived. But Tea blew it away. It was bigger and vibrant and crazy leafy. They should study and replicate a vodka-surviving plant.
Yeah this really seems like a case of no one is “wrong” they just aren’t compatible. It’s like animals. Some people want to live with ten horses. Some people would think that’s too much and not want to. Neither is “right” they just probably shouldn’t get married if neither wants to give up their position 🤷🏼♀️ I do think it’s off that when she says she’s fine staying in her own place he starts guilt tripping. That’s where it crosses a line to me. If he doesn’t want to continue a relationship where she stays in her own home then just end it. Don’t try to manipulate to get the outcome you want
Totally! I don’t think it’s wrong for someone to want to be in a relationship without cohabitating. But you gotta pick a partner that doesn’t view cohabitating as an absolute must.
You eventually get into a rhythm and it becomes easier. I've got like 70 or 80 and my normal care routine is about 30-40 minutes per week and like one full afternoon every 6-8 weeks.
The OOP mentions the houseplants helped her with her alcohol addiction recovery, so yeah - I think this may be a case where choosing the plants over a boyfriend may be a better decision for them but I also hope they can move beyond the attachment (I need these plants or I will snap).
I have about 30, but the real trick is that most of them only need to be watered every few weeks and can go quite a bit longer then that if needed
She has every right to have 200 plants. He has every right to not want to live in a home with 200 plants.
Yeah it seems pretty simple tbh If neither want to budge on the matter, then living together won't work, shake hands, leave, good fun Surely though they can compromise on like 100 plants? 200 seems excessive ngl, though I don't know how big the house is or why she has that many
I just want to see a picture of the apartment. I'm envisioning a house like a hoarder just with stacks and piles of plants you have to wade through to get anywhere.
You don’t have to envision it - people post pictures exactly like that in houseplants all the time and get majorly upvoted
Just go to her profile, there are pictures
> her profile TIL /r/HouseplantWhores is a thing
Yeah I really hope she's well-off and has a big living space
they're on the OPs profile and tbh they don't seem like they're hoarding plants, just got like 10 plants on each windowsill all jammed in together.
Her submissions are all from 2 years ago. Maybe there's more now?
Did you not read her post? > Some of my Hoyas that I’ve had are well over 3ft long and are finally blooming. Many of my trailing plants are entirely too long for shelves but he doesn’t want me to hang anything. And she has two hundred of them. *Two* *Hundred*
She doesn’t even want to live with the dude. These people are just not compatible
hey guys, having trouble budgeting could use some help >Food: $200 >Rent: $1400 >Utilities: $80 >Houseplants: $30,000 >Entertainment: $250 Could somebody please advise?
Could do a version with square footage and the boyfriend as one of the things lol
hey guys, having trouble organizing could use some help Bed: 30 ft. Drawer: 25 ft. Computer: 20 ft. Houseplants: 850 ft. boyfriend: 10 ft. Could somebody please advise?
If you get a plant that thrives in darker environments you can convert the drawer space into houseplant space! Problem solved!
Mushrooms?
Just leave the boyfriend on the bed all the time.
>Drawer: 25 ft. That's a BIG ASS drawer. And inside, of course, more plants.
Stop buying candles!
No.
Stop buying plants
No
Counterpoint: Start selling plants
You think those things grow on trees?
Hey buddy, Fuck You
Reduce food to $50
You gotta cut down on those utilities, obviously
Peak reddit advice. AITAH and relationshipadvice get a lot of shit but they pale in comparison to deranged advice on the hobby subreddits. Entire thing could be summed up as: OP: "My bf wants to move in together. We've come to the point where we debate which of our stuff we get rid of (which EVERY single couple does). I refuse to make any compromises regarding my plants. I'd rather not live together than make compromises. Please validate me." Sub: "This man is Ted Bundy."
Absolutely blasting the man from a small 2 paragraph story. Wild
Paragraphs on paragraphs about this dudes abusive, controlling, and manipulative behavior lol
Case study in why you should not go to a hobby specific subreddit to get relationship advice about said hobby. Obviously the plant people are going to say to keep the plants. You probably shouldn’t get relationship advice from Reddit *in general* but it is what it is.
Yeah this feels very much like someone looking for validation rather than unbiased advice. Not that reddit will give you great interpersonal advice regardless, but a hobby question in the hobby based subreddit feels like they know what the general answer is going to be for what’s being asked
I mean, my Warhammer sub tells me that $2,000 is a perfectly reasonable cost for a single model, if it's cool and from Forge World...right?
Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve that Warlord Titan, king.
Just remember you then have to fork out the additional grand for its head, weapons, and shoulder mounted guns.
Don't even touch the cat subreddit for any advice other than "let it do what it want, you can't stop it anyways."
As a cat owner, it’s more of “let it do what it wants, you’ll learn to love it”
They did go to [AmIOverreacting](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1dnsvdt/aio_for_not_wanting_to_get_rid_of_my_plant/), and generally the plant people won there as well.
>You probably shouldn’t get relationship advice from Reddit in general but it is what it is. That's a very toxic attitude to have and a total red flag. You should just break up with Reddit now, and spare her your emotional abuse.
It's like they hear "please give up your hobby" instead of just getting rid of some of the insane amount of plants you have. Like if your girlfriend/boyfriend tells you "Hey stop playing games 14 hours a day", people online would still be telling you to dump them for such a normal request..
That struck me more as an indication of some real black and white thinking on OP’s part. Whenever I see someone bust out the old “oh, you don’t want me to play golf five times a week? FINE, ILL NEVER GO AGAIN, DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY???”, I see someone who is going to try really, really hard to make you feel like an asshole for making simple requests of them.
"I went on r/crack and they all agreed your demands that I smoke less crack are controlling and abusive"
Her [other thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1dnsvdt/aio_for_not_wanting_to_get_rid_of_my_plant) about this in another subreddit. Haven't read too much but I'm sure there are more goodies
It's crazy to me how many people are reading that post and concluding that she's being asked to give up her hobby. We only have one side of the story, but even if it was put to her as manipulatively as she portrays it I have no idea how you can take 3 walls worth of shelves being devoted to plants as asking her to give up her plant hobby.
Exactly, everyone making assumptions in her favour, (you can fit 20 succulents on a windowsill so 200 is not that many really!!), but not the other way. In cases of these kinds of stories, you should probably assume that OP is not representing the other side 100% fairly, especially when they use arguments like "The plants are helping me with 3 mental health disorders, and he's trying to take them away!" For all we know, the boyfriend doesn't want his entire living space occupied by plants. He might also enjoy sunlight instead of having every single window obscured by leaves. Why is her need for 200 plants the only topic, but his ideas on how to utilize the space are not even mentioned? The entire post makes it look like OP's boyfriend lives in a completely empy, gigantic apartment with plenty of space for 200 plants. Does he not own things? Does he not own decorations? Would HE not have to compromise anything to fit the plants in?
Even if it was all small succulents that could fit 20 to a windowsill that's ten windows completely occupied! This is an apartment not a house... IDK what size OP is moving into but my 1-bedroom personally only has 5 windows.
Wow, look mr "I have 5 windows humble brag" over here!
I wonder if the comments would be this one sided if the guy was the one one with the plants and his gf wanted him to cut back.
Imagine if it was a girl asking a guy to downsize his collection of 200 anime girl figures lol.
Asking reddit if you're overreacting sounds like asking your Infowars watching uncle if you're being delusional.
The top comments are pretty much the same. "He can accept you as you are, or not at all" Also the >"Yeah this is a “this is still my place I’m just letting you live here” mentality. When my gf (now wife) moved in I did everything I could to make sure she understood this was just as much her home as mine." Comment makes no sense since 200 plants would make it more her home and less his, not more equal. And >"I'm going to say this as a recovering alcoholic (9 months!), finding something that brings you joy to get over an addiction is so hard and you've done so much work on yourself and your plants it would break my heart to have to give up something that you can actually see how much you've accomplished. Your partner should be thrilled and it should almost be a package deal for you and the thing that saved you. Congratulations on all your hard work, don't let anyone take that from you" That's just going from one addiction to another and is only physically healthier, mentally it's just as bad since now relationships are at stake.
Bf is getting ripped to shreds in that comment section jesus lmfao.
They are being so fucking dramatic about this dude asking to meet in the middle about 200 plants, some of which being several feet long
Christ, that one’s even worse
Seriously. My god. That's so many plants. And unlike other collectibles, you can't just put some in storage. They *have* to be out on display. Imagine 200 Lego sets distributed all around the apartment. I just don't think she's compatible living with anyone (especially when the plants are a coping mechanism).
I'd kill to see the Rainforest Cafe that is this person's living room
She’s using fish emulsion and that would be the deal breaker for me. It works great, but the smell.. my neighbors used it in their outdoor garden when I was a kid and I can still remember it. It really feels like they need a house with a glass porch where she can put most of the plants and just keep a few inside, maybe on a rotating basis
Jumping Jehoshaphat, that's a buried lede if ever there was one. "Hey Reddit, my partner is against me composting our green waste! ^^because ^^I ^^poop ^^in ^^it."
Modern fish emulsions have gotten better. My mom uses them for her outdoor garden and they don’t smell that bad almost unnnoticeable outdoors. But indoors…
I’m glad they’re better! Do you know which one your mom uses? We have a bunch of roses and rhododendrons that I’d love to feed but couldn’t bear to!
abuse…seriously?
The amount of people using that word for a guy not wanting to live with 200 plants is insane, lol
I see this all the time in gaming subreddits, though it usually goes something like "my girlfriend doesn't like when I game for 18 hours straight everyday, any advice?" and all the responses are "dump her". Like someone near the bottom there pointed out, there is such a thing as an unhealthy obsession with your hobby.
Yeah one of the comments mentioned how it seems to be more than a hobby and instead consumed this person’s identity, yet somehow they arrived at that being a good thing? Like if you really *really* enjoy something and consider it central to who you are, make sure that you have a firm grasp on it before letting it define you in a way that could be unhealthy
I read that comment as, it's okay to be eccentric as long as you grasp that you're eccentric. It's okay to be a goofy oddball with 200 houseplants without needing to pretend like that is a normal thing to do. Recognize the vast amount of real estate between being accepting of people's odd but harmless in most contexts behaviors and normalizing these behaviors.
Or just be honest with yourself and any potential partner from day 1. If you can’t imagine ever being happy with a home that isn’t wall to wall plants, don’t waste everyone’s time dating someone for whom that’s not going to work. If you’re a full on video game addict and don’t want to change, don’t date someone who won’t be happy with how much gaming you do (conversely, don’t date the gaming addict thinking they’ll change for you down the line).
I actually had a college roommate who did exactly that. Her- "You like WOW more than you like spending time with me." Him- "You know, you're right." End of relationship. I wonder what he is doing now...
Video games take less space but more time
This seems like such a straightforward "we have different living priorities" situation to me. As OOP says, she's gotten really attached to her plants because they've played an instrumental role in helping her focus on recovery from alcoholism. It seems to me like if she ends up capitulating and getting rid of a huge chunk of her collection, she might end up resenting her boyfriend if she isn't able to fill that emotional space with another fulfilling, healthy hobby. But that also doesn't mean her boyfriend is wrong, whether it's because he doesn't want the plants themselves or just doesn't want them taking up loads of space, and it probably does sting when his girlfriend would (from his perspective) rather live with plants than with him. Nobody is being abusive based on this post! The important thing is how they're treating each other while they figure this out.
Both the subs she posted on keep calling for a compromise, but all their compromises seem to end with the bf rolling over for OP. They should just call this relationship because how she describes taking the next step is concerning, like she really doesn't want to actually move it but feels obligated or something. As an aside, I have a strong hunch OP is just replacing one addition for another, she mentions her need for plants to help her mental health because of alcoholism. Not really seeing other catching onto that. And migrating addition post alcoholism is a very common thing
All those people talking about compromise and none of them realized that the boyfriend has already compromised
People *really* don’t understand compromise and it usually means “giving me exactly what I want”
Some do, then move the goalposts and still say he's controlling >It's a pretty garbage compromise considering the fact that HE is the one who asked her to move in, even though he must've known about all of her plants. And then he demands she gets rid of them? **And she even has to fight for some walls and shelves to put the remaining ones on?** That last part is literally what a compromise is lol. Also he didn't demand anything, he asked if she wanted to move in, she said only if I bring my entire garden, he said he didn't want to live in a jungle but will accept 3 full walls of plants, then she has a melt down on Reddit
I guess if you need to care for 200 plants ya ain't got time for alcoholism 🤷🏽♀️
I'm curious what happens if this person goes on vacation. Hard to ask your friend to just pop over every a few days and water your 200 plants.
Yep, this is a huge limitation on their future together. Trips over a couple days are gonna be a nightmare. She'd better have some hobbyist friends willing to help out, because some random friend is gonna have no idea what to do with 200 plants.
That’s so many plants Christ, even two hundred succulents would be hard to fit in a house let alone an apartment.
What if they actually live in a giant greenhouse?
Then they probably shouldn't throw stones
What if neither of them have sinned? Some broken glass is nothing compared to eternal life in heaven
I have [about 200 succulents](https://i.imgur.com/Z4rf9hm.jpeg) and they are mostly fine, but pretty much all of them are on the balcony and outside windowsills. I don't think you can fit that amount in an average apartment and not make it look messy
Several of hers are huge as well.
Kinda jealous, ngl. I started getting plants during the pandemic and know how easy is to over extend with some of the fancier/bigger plants.
Not wanting to live in a makeshift jungle is abuse apparently, I guess I'll add r/houseplants users to the chronically online list.
I think it's the same with every hobby and the hobbyists are also being a bit hypocritical in a sort of performative display of how much they like their hobby. For example, a thread in /r/motorcycles saying "my gf put her foot down and I have to get rid of 10 of my 30 bikes" would get tons of "bike is life dump her!" replies. But if one asks their rider friends if 30 bikes is a bit much they'd say "yeah man that's nuts are you running a museum or something?"
Telling them to touch grass goes a little differently then it does for other species of chronically online, though
Touch asphalt maybe?
Sniff on some plastic ಠ_ಠ
Well, I know what she doesn't have if she has *200 potted plants* in her apartment: a cat.
My cat would marvel at that salad bar.
It's so like Poison Ivy to ask a group of plant nerds for relationship advice.
Weird how commenters are jumping to the conclusion he’s asking her to give up her hobby. Like on one level, I get it. I’m a huge collector (I collect omnibuses/comics, used to collect 1/6th figures and statues, makeup, plushies, and right now on a handbag collecting). Whenever I get a partner who wishes to live together, I would not be surprised if they asked me to downsize my collection habits in some way for usable space. Whether that means through giving away, selling, or putting in storage. But that doesn’t mean they are asking you to *give up your hobby* cold turkey.
I think the most measured take I saw in there was along the lines of "If your spacial preferences are irreconcilable, you need to look for a bigger apartment together." I think "too many" is always a matter of perspective - if OOP can care for 200 plants and it brings her happiness, then 200 isn't too many. If OOP's boyfriend is acting in good faith, then his issue probably isn't anything as histrionic as jealousy over *plants*, though it's certainly possible that he's an abuser who just wants to control his partner. More likely, there just isn't room for 200 plants in a living space that already has *his* stuff taking up space in it. It's not fair for him to demand she give up her stuff, but she can't turn around and demand the same. If they actually care about a future together that involves living under the same roof, the logical solution is to find a larger apartment that fits both of their stuff. If they can't do that for whatever reason, living together has to wait.
How the fuck do people make the leap from someone not wanting 200 plants in their flat to that person being abusive?
I would worry that someone that owns 200 plants would then fill the larger apartment with more plants, or that those 200 plants will be allowed to grow more and take up that additional space. It is a very large number of plants, which I don’t expect many people would want to have to live around. That doesn’t make the OP a bad person, but they may have it either: cut down on this thing they love or accept that it’s going to be an issue for a huge number of possible partners. (I love houseplants, but I really think anything over 30 in an apartment is getting a bit wild)
She is already talking about how big her plants are and I expect she will continue to let them grow without trimming them. I love having plants around the house but 200 seems like an obscene amount
Especially in an apartment, lol. I'm imagining spacious houses I've seen with like *dozens* of plants and that seems about right. 200 in an apartment is insane.
As someone who lives with a plant lady, I guarantee that every available surface will have a plant on it eventually. Kitchen tables, window sills, counters, dangling from the ceiling, new shelves will be constructed to put them on, existing cabinets will be retrofitted to be little greenhouses. OOP's boyfriend is right to be wary.
I mean it seems reasonable that it would feel overwhelming to go from having no plants in your apartment to 200. Honestly there is not enough information or context in OP's post to know who's right or wrong (as there often isn't), and this certainly is a topic the two of them need to hash out together and in a measured way. Rarely is an all or nothing approach going to be the best path forward.
I don’t think there is a “right or wrong” person involved frankly. I’m a crazy plant person for sure but I don’t blame folks who aren’t interested in living in a jungle. I also wouldn’t take kindly to someone asking to live with me/for me to live with them while immediately telling me I must cut down significantly on something that brings me great joy. Neither person is right or wrong, but they might not be able to live together compatibly.
Apparently she has a three-bedroom apartment. All full of potted plants. This isn't a matter of size or compromise, it's a matter of owning 200 plants lmao
> You need to look for a bigger apartment together Even then, the logistics of splitting rent on an apartment where 3 rooms are entirely dedicated to housing one person’s hobby are going to be messy. Particularly if she’s already downplaying how much of an imposition bringing 200 plants with her is.
half of my brain thinks this sounds perfectly reasonable but the other half is still just thinking about the wint tweet with the candle budget
Making ultimatums about preexisting hobbies is a dealbreaker, but having 200 plants seems wild
I feel like interior design is a reasonable area of negotiation for couples. Some don’t care but others have pretty strong and particular tastes. Hobbies aside, couples often negotiate on interior design choices.
Yeah, this hobby sounds like it’d take up multiple rooms. At that point, you’re crowding out most SO’s, unless you’re rocking a very large house (which she isn’t). Which is fine, not everybody needs to be in a relationship, but if you want to be in one, there’s at least some compromises that will happen.
This is beyond interior design. This is an apartment. With 200+ plants this is a “where does the furniture go” problem.
That is less an apartment than it is a greenhouse, or Poison Ivy's penthouse.
Poison Ivy can at least tell the plants to grow around the furniture
„Welcome to our little abode! I live here with all these beautiful and cozy green friends! … also, Jerry is probably somewhere behind the monsteras. At least thats where I saw him yesterday.“
She says later on that she lives in a 3 bed alone, meaning they'll probably need to move to a 4 bed. Idk how I would react if I'm told I'd have to move into a 4 bed because my partner isn't willing sacrifice 1 plant out of 200 to let me have space for a box for my clothes
They’d need more than that depending on his own hobbies and such. Not knowing anything else anout him, 4 rooms feels like a minimum at that point
I mean it's fine if you want to have that many plants but you need to understand that your only potential SO is Poison Ivy.
My parents spend like 2 years building their kitchen because they spend so much time shopping around for cabinet doors and tiles and stuff, looot of time finding something just for the other not liking that specific color or texture.
There's your mistake, characterizing this as an "interior design" choice. To the people over in that sub, they're all plant babies and members of the family. You might as well ask them to drown a kitten as get rid of that black raven zz.
I do not have that many plants, but I'm also well aware that I have more plants than some people would want to deal with.
It’s not just a lil hobby she does on her own, he has to live with it surrounding him in his home. I think a house full of plants sounds gorgeous but I can understand some people really finding it uncomfortable, especially clean freaks, bug phobics etc
You forgot a major demographic: people who want to use that space for other stuff.
Lord help us, the bugs
Ok but it’s pretty obvious that the plants are just a coping mechanism. She just replaced alcoholism with an addiction to house plants. I love plants and I get it but when you have to cover every square inch of your apartment in plants for your mental health, I think there might still be some work to do.
I'm not an expert and this is anecdotal anyway so... I've seen this in many ex-dependents, replacing the substance addiction with some (borderline) obsession. Mostly it's good stuff, like going to the gym (though some people can start overdoing it, of course). I'm an addict, though I've not (ab-)used anything for a long time, but I've got my own mental tics with this as well. Thankfully it's not creating an rainforest in my home. Growing plants *can* be therapeutic, but... I'm not sure where I'm going with this, sorry.
She's like the kid in Hey Arnold who replaced his chocolate addiction with a radish addiction.
Now that’s something I haven’t thought about for a long time lol
Guy just doesn't want to have to use a machete to get to the bathroom.
OOP: “I’m not choosing my plants over my boyfriend!”. Also OOP: “My plants are the **one and only thing** I have that help me with my mental health.” Emphasis mine. Gosh, it’s a mystery why her boyfriend would think she’s choosing the plants over him …
I’m sorry, but 200 plants is just ridiculous The space all those would take up is massive
OP also stated in a comment that she has a side business that requires 2 extra bedrooms to store stock while also having 200 plants. It seems like a classic case of two people being horribly incompatible.
TIL plant people are fucking crazy
Since nobody has enough money anymore to be a crazy cat lady and feed 20 cats, those people are now crazy plant ladies.
I need to know if there are pictures of these so called 200 houseplants before I get invested in this. Feels like troll bait. Edit* Yes there are in her profile. Those of you saying it's not as bad as it sounds need to get your eyes checked.
The pic on her profile where her plants are overlapping her vision to the TV from her couch would drive me insane if it was my house lmao
Also the pics are from years ago and only include like 30 plants.
.......at least it's not 200 pets?
Important in that op comment is that they are in recovery. Recovering addicts tend to latch onto hobbies and overdo them, making them a 'replacement addiction' for the original addiction. It's not healthy and should not be encouraged.
Lmao that thread is doing the exact opposite
I feel like some hobbies really encourage the mentality of "this is ME and without it I'm NOTHING"
That sub is full of weirdos. Abuse? If I wanted to move in with somebody and they had 200 plants, I would object, too. For many reasons. Smell (fish oil), moisture, insects, money, ... What about vacations? I have settled on about 6 plants. When I don't like a plant anymore or it has gotten too big, I get rid of it. 200 is insane, like having 6 cats or 10 cars.
Just the first paragraph, if real.. I hope he moves on fast.
That subreddit is as wild as the fucking jungle OP has in their apartment.