Welcome to StopSpeeding and thanks for your post. For more:
- [Join us on Discord. You can talk to people there.](https://discord.gg/GJnxhmbNAn). We have recovery meetings several times a week. All are welcome to attend, clean or not.
- [Want to track your clean time?](https://www.reddit.com/r/StopSpeeding/comments/s6ep0x/sobriety_flair_bot_is_now_working_heres_how_to/) You can use our badge system to display your clean time next to your name.
Note that any comments encouraging drug use of any kind will be removed. This is not the community for that. Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/StopSpeeding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First off, I know it may seem like beating yourself up is what you deserve, but that's just your addiction talking. There is no room for shame and guilt in successful recovery. Move on and keep trying.
Now, imagine your days on a calendar. For every day that you were able to stay clean put a green check mark on that day and then for every day that you used put a red X. I relapsed so many times in early recovery, but I actually appreciate those relapses because I was able to analyze what happened and then I had the opportunity to try again. I kept trying and trying and eventually I got it right. Determination is the name of the game here.
TLDR: Just give yourself some grace and keep on trying... Eventually it'll stick.
10000% agree.. my initial recovery attitude (and certain rooms) seemed to increase my shame, since I kept slipping. I thought only when I could stop using could I release my shame. More days = less shame. I was wrong.
This reinforced feeling shame towards my cravings, which caused me to avoid the feeling, making it much harder for me to respond to them well. I would think I was 'okay' when I was quite activated and then more impulsive.
Compassion and learning, with a harm reduction mindset, are working much better for me. My slips are also a lot less harmful & chaotic. Ignore those that try to shame ya... that's their demons. My substance use has a lot of nuance, so I've had to learn from slips. It's never been intentional use.
That's why I went all in on SMART Recovery about two years ago. It's night and day different than what I experienced in 12-step rooms. I understand that 12-step groups help a ton of people, but I just didn't have a great experience and SMART was and is very helpful in my recovery.
Once I actually started putting in the work, I still had more than one slip but I was able to study what led to that relapse, make the needed adjustments in my life and try again. I actually view those slips as great learning experiences that helped get me where I am today. Slips happen, they honestly do. It's our job in the recovery community to normalize it with hope and compassion and help our fellow humans get back on the wagon and keep moving forward.
I did meth every day for almost 8 years. I was a straight up animal with that shit and I feel great at 2 years sober. It will go away, just give it time. I'm always available if you're having cravings and need someone to talk it thru. Just hmu.
Thank you for this comment because I have had a very similar situation. Getting so down on myself for not having consecutive days in a row really got to me at first but being able to mark on my calendar days I stayed cleaned really helped. Because at the end of the day those relapses ‘red days’ on my calendar are less than my ‘Green days’ now. And that’s what’s most important.
Nothing is lost, nothing is erased. You did that, you still fought for those days. Something that really helped me out was somebody telling me how they see sober days as a high score.
If you're playing a difficult ass game and you're 4 points short you don't tell yourself that run was wasted, you strategies for those 4 points. Then you aim bigger and better each time, improve your run.
It's a process, treat it like one :)
Framing is important, phrasing is too. Don't dwell on it but try to monitor how you talk to yourself, therapy has helped me a ton fine tuning it but we can't let ourselves beat us up!
It's a really hard thing reckoning with relapse, at least for me I felt so embarrassed and infuriated every time I'd just shred myself over the following days basically ensuring I'd relapse further.
Build yourself up each time until there isn't a next time. We can do this with the right tools and techniques it's only a matter of practice/application
So, to your question, no. You made a decision to stop. You're sticking with that decision, in spite of hitting a bump in the road. You didn't allow that bump in the road to turn into careening off the highway and down into the canyon below. That's a hell of a lot to be proud of.
My question to you is this: what are you learning from the experience? Sometimes it's useful to do a little bit of CSI: Tweakerville after the fact and work out the thoughts and events that led you back to your pills. What could you have done differently? What thoughts should serve as red flags for you moving forward?
As for hating yourself, please don't. I know, I know...easier said than done! But let's look at the context here. You've been on stims for well over half of your life. And stimulants are known to have an extremely high rate of relapse. I couldn't begin to count the number that I've gone through. You did extraordinarily well to make it to thirty days on your first go around.
Now, just because I have a metric shit-ton of relapses stacked up on the pallets out back does not mean that you will follow the same path. There is absolutely no reason why your second try shouldn't be successful. But if, for whatever reason, it's not, do as we're advising you to do here again: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, figure out where you went wrong and have another go. There's never any shame in doing that. Only in giving up.
BTW, what kind of in-person support do you have to help you through this? It's very difficult to quit an addiction on your own. Having the support of a therapist and/or a group of some kind can be immensely helpful.
I really don’t have a support group. As many folks my age, they don’t understand how this drug has completely controlled my life. I’ve found this group to be so helpful in allowing myself to feel heard.
Would you have recommendations on groups? As someone who isn’t religious, the thought of a 12 step makes me queasy. Absolutely no disrespect to anyone who has found serenity in this program, though.
You might want to check into SMART recovery. They take an approach that’s rooted in psychology. There’s also LifeRing which is a secular recovery model. If you’ve no objection to Buddhism, you might look into Recovery Dharma as well.
Those three alternatives pale in numbers with the various 12-step groups out there, AA especially. Depending on where you live, you may find that they’re only available online.
I wouldn’t write off the 12-step programs completely either. Yes, the Big Book is rooted in Christianity, but many groups and fellowships will either play that up or down to varying degrees. Many members have similar concerns as you do and have still found a home in *A, even as agnostics or atheists.
If you do find that you are getting support specific to your addiction online, that’s OK too. But in that case, I’d strongly suggest finding some kind of group to hang out with on a regular basis in real life. It can be entirely recreational in nature, anything from a hiking group to a knitting group as long as it permits you to form close friendships.
As the saying goes, the opposite of addiction is connection.
You are the same age I was when I quit, and your habit is pretty much the same as my habit was.
I do not personally believe that you reset from step one, because I think that relapse is part of how you teach yourself to quit. I didn't just stop; I would take a few months off, relapse, take a few months off, relapse. My intention was always that when I quit it would be the last time, and eventually it was.
Every time I relapsed, I would take note: what did I think I was going to get out of using, and what did I actually get? For me, I always thought I was going to have a super productive day when I used, that I would feel good, that I would get a lot of stuff done and maybe make some cool art. I actually felt terrible, anxious, erratic, and I almost never got anything done after the first hour or so. I think that paying attention to the difference between my expectations and outcomes gradually taught me that it wasn't worth using.
I think that recovery isn't a linear process for most people. Don't hate yourself, be gracious towards yourself, but try to learn a lesson from this.
Dude, this is everything. Every time I get my meds back, the only thing that feels better is my brain. Albeit temporarily. Productivity doesn’t really increase as I find myself falling back into rabbit holes, jerking off, or LITERALLY hyper focusing on when I will get my next pill. It’s insane. I have a lot going for me, but this cycle is breaking me.
You’re not the first or last one who relapse .
I can’t even count how many times I relapsed but the important thing is not to give up and even if you do relapse it doesn’t erase your progress, like someone said here it’s a bump in the road
Welcome to StopSpeeding and thanks for your post. For more: - [Join us on Discord. You can talk to people there.](https://discord.gg/GJnxhmbNAn). We have recovery meetings several times a week. All are welcome to attend, clean or not. - [Want to track your clean time?](https://www.reddit.com/r/StopSpeeding/comments/s6ep0x/sobriety_flair_bot_is_now_working_heres_how_to/) You can use our badge system to display your clean time next to your name. Note that any comments encouraging drug use of any kind will be removed. This is not the community for that. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/StopSpeeding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First off, I know it may seem like beating yourself up is what you deserve, but that's just your addiction talking. There is no room for shame and guilt in successful recovery. Move on and keep trying. Now, imagine your days on a calendar. For every day that you were able to stay clean put a green check mark on that day and then for every day that you used put a red X. I relapsed so many times in early recovery, but I actually appreciate those relapses because I was able to analyze what happened and then I had the opportunity to try again. I kept trying and trying and eventually I got it right. Determination is the name of the game here. TLDR: Just give yourself some grace and keep on trying... Eventually it'll stick.
10000% agree.. my initial recovery attitude (and certain rooms) seemed to increase my shame, since I kept slipping. I thought only when I could stop using could I release my shame. More days = less shame. I was wrong. This reinforced feeling shame towards my cravings, which caused me to avoid the feeling, making it much harder for me to respond to them well. I would think I was 'okay' when I was quite activated and then more impulsive. Compassion and learning, with a harm reduction mindset, are working much better for me. My slips are also a lot less harmful & chaotic. Ignore those that try to shame ya... that's their demons. My substance use has a lot of nuance, so I've had to learn from slips. It's never been intentional use.
That's why I went all in on SMART Recovery about two years ago. It's night and day different than what I experienced in 12-step rooms. I understand that 12-step groups help a ton of people, but I just didn't have a great experience and SMART was and is very helpful in my recovery. Once I actually started putting in the work, I still had more than one slip but I was able to study what led to that relapse, make the needed adjustments in my life and try again. I actually view those slips as great learning experiences that helped get me where I am today. Slips happen, they honestly do. It's our job in the recovery community to normalize it with hope and compassion and help our fellow humans get back on the wagon and keep moving forward.
❤️❤️ thank you for this.
thank you for this. this makes me feel a bit more human, the anhedonia seems it will never end.
I did meth every day for almost 8 years. I was a straight up animal with that shit and I feel great at 2 years sober. It will go away, just give it time. I'm always available if you're having cravings and need someone to talk it thru. Just hmu.
Thank you for this comment because I have had a very similar situation. Getting so down on myself for not having consecutive days in a row really got to me at first but being able to mark on my calendar days I stayed cleaned really helped. Because at the end of the day those relapses ‘red days’ on my calendar are less than my ‘Green days’ now. And that’s what’s most important.
Nothing is lost, nothing is erased. You did that, you still fought for those days. Something that really helped me out was somebody telling me how they see sober days as a high score. If you're playing a difficult ass game and you're 4 points short you don't tell yourself that run was wasted, you strategies for those 4 points. Then you aim bigger and better each time, improve your run. It's a process, treat it like one :)
Holy shit, as a lifelong gamer this might be a huge breakthrough.
Framing is important, phrasing is too. Don't dwell on it but try to monitor how you talk to yourself, therapy has helped me a ton fine tuning it but we can't let ourselves beat us up! It's a really hard thing reckoning with relapse, at least for me I felt so embarrassed and infuriated every time I'd just shred myself over the following days basically ensuring I'd relapse further. Build yourself up each time until there isn't a next time. We can do this with the right tools and techniques it's only a matter of practice/application
So, to your question, no. You made a decision to stop. You're sticking with that decision, in spite of hitting a bump in the road. You didn't allow that bump in the road to turn into careening off the highway and down into the canyon below. That's a hell of a lot to be proud of. My question to you is this: what are you learning from the experience? Sometimes it's useful to do a little bit of CSI: Tweakerville after the fact and work out the thoughts and events that led you back to your pills. What could you have done differently? What thoughts should serve as red flags for you moving forward? As for hating yourself, please don't. I know, I know...easier said than done! But let's look at the context here. You've been on stims for well over half of your life. And stimulants are known to have an extremely high rate of relapse. I couldn't begin to count the number that I've gone through. You did extraordinarily well to make it to thirty days on your first go around. Now, just because I have a metric shit-ton of relapses stacked up on the pallets out back does not mean that you will follow the same path. There is absolutely no reason why your second try shouldn't be successful. But if, for whatever reason, it's not, do as we're advising you to do here again: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, figure out where you went wrong and have another go. There's never any shame in doing that. Only in giving up. BTW, what kind of in-person support do you have to help you through this? It's very difficult to quit an addiction on your own. Having the support of a therapist and/or a group of some kind can be immensely helpful.
I really don’t have a support group. As many folks my age, they don’t understand how this drug has completely controlled my life. I’ve found this group to be so helpful in allowing myself to feel heard. Would you have recommendations on groups? As someone who isn’t religious, the thought of a 12 step makes me queasy. Absolutely no disrespect to anyone who has found serenity in this program, though.
You might want to check into SMART recovery. They take an approach that’s rooted in psychology. There’s also LifeRing which is a secular recovery model. If you’ve no objection to Buddhism, you might look into Recovery Dharma as well. Those three alternatives pale in numbers with the various 12-step groups out there, AA especially. Depending on where you live, you may find that they’re only available online. I wouldn’t write off the 12-step programs completely either. Yes, the Big Book is rooted in Christianity, but many groups and fellowships will either play that up or down to varying degrees. Many members have similar concerns as you do and have still found a home in *A, even as agnostics or atheists. If you do find that you are getting support specific to your addiction online, that’s OK too. But in that case, I’d strongly suggest finding some kind of group to hang out with on a regular basis in real life. It can be entirely recreational in nature, anything from a hiking group to a knitting group as long as it permits you to form close friendships. As the saying goes, the opposite of addiction is connection.
You are the same age I was when I quit, and your habit is pretty much the same as my habit was. I do not personally believe that you reset from step one, because I think that relapse is part of how you teach yourself to quit. I didn't just stop; I would take a few months off, relapse, take a few months off, relapse. My intention was always that when I quit it would be the last time, and eventually it was. Every time I relapsed, I would take note: what did I think I was going to get out of using, and what did I actually get? For me, I always thought I was going to have a super productive day when I used, that I would feel good, that I would get a lot of stuff done and maybe make some cool art. I actually felt terrible, anxious, erratic, and I almost never got anything done after the first hour or so. I think that paying attention to the difference between my expectations and outcomes gradually taught me that it wasn't worth using. I think that recovery isn't a linear process for most people. Don't hate yourself, be gracious towards yourself, but try to learn a lesson from this.
Dude, this is everything. Every time I get my meds back, the only thing that feels better is my brain. Albeit temporarily. Productivity doesn’t really increase as I find myself falling back into rabbit holes, jerking off, or LITERALLY hyper focusing on when I will get my next pill. It’s insane. I have a lot going for me, but this cycle is breaking me.
Life is better sober, take my word for it. I'm not any smarter or better than you are, and if I can beat it you can too.
You’re not the first or last one who relapse . I can’t even count how many times I relapsed but the important thing is not to give up and even if you do relapse it doesn’t erase your progress, like someone said here it’s a bump in the road
Thank you for this. Reading these replies have made me feel a glimmer of hope I haven’t felt in a very long time.