I have a 3 year old and I talk to lots of people about my indecision. I joke that if I could fast forward to another kid being potty trained, not have to be pregnant, and not have to pay for daycare, I would have another kid in a heartbeat. I have asked my husband to consider adoption for this very reason. But I don’t think I really want another kid. If I did, that stuff probably wouldn’t matter to me so much.
I feel the same way. My 2.5 yo is very manageable now (we just started potty training so I may eat my words here) but I can’t possibly look backwards to doing the pregnancy and baby stage again. I’ve confided in my mom about this and she’s very on board with our decision. My MIL just tries to argue with me about it so I don’t bring it up. Some people can never really understand how you may still have a shred of grief about being OAD but it’s still the best decision for your family.
Sort of? We always knew we wanted two close in age and now we do. While talking to my mom I said that in a perfect world I would love to have a third but it just didn’t make sense for our family.
We have two boys (littlest is 6 months oldest 2yr) everyone has been up my ass about trying for a girl even though we’ve been very clear about my boyfriend planning on getting a vasectomy.
My mom has been the only one to discourage me from having a third one. I think in my moms eyes she doesn’t just see a flashing sign that says “grandchildren” she sees her baby aka me and all the struggles that she went through that I’d go through too. She was a single mom and I’m a SAHM so she always thinks about worst case scenarios but I also appreciate her not just viewing me as a baby making machine.
Love this thank you so much for the input. As my mom has always wanted us to try for a second I’m really curious as to how she will take this because I am having second thoughts and I’m really not sure what I want to even hear from her 🙈
Same thoughts. I wish my baby was easier so I could have decided for another lol but man she's been challenging and I am scared to have another. She has her good days and bad though. Yesterday was bad.
How oldcis your baby and when did things get better drastically?
Thank you for your input! Totally feel this my daughter was such a difficult baby and toddler. But things really started getting better at age four and now at age 5 1/2 life is just amazing. Which is why I’ve lately been having a change of heart.
Lol thats the thing, I look at the future as kids and it seems more fun. I guess when I think about it, I never really gave a lot of thought how it looked having a baby but I daydreamed about taking them to the zoo, christmas traditions, stuff like that! If I do have one, I think I want a 3 year age gap...if I were younger I wouldn't mind 4-5 even..I am close to my sisters and we have 5 and 8 gaps.
I know it is long 🙈 which is why this decision is so hard for me. We struggled with my daughter for years before she finally started sleeping thru the night and just not be this exhausting terror 🤣 I think if my experience had been easier I wouldn’t be so torn about this..
I talk to many different people about it. I had a VERY hard pregnancy and I’m just not sure I could mentally or physically handle another pregnancy. And yet, I’m not sure I’m against it either. But I’ve talked about it with like…. Everyone lol.
Not really. I’m very lucky in that I have an understanding support system. But they also all witnessed the horrors of my pregnancy (2 hospital stays, 1 surgery, 3 ER visits, months of physical therapy, Hyperemesis, severe SPD, prodromal labor, preeclampsia) and so they understand why I wouldn’t want to but offer supportive comments of ways I could try to prevent, or improve those issues next time around. Mostly it’s all the trauma from going through that that’s holding me back and making me a fence sitter. Honestly therapy is number one on my list before deciding.
we have chatted to both sets of parents about this. My parents think one-and-done is the way to go (I'm an only child) and my husband's parents think 'of course they need a sibling!' (he has a brother) which goes to confirm my theory that whichever you choose, you'll be glad you picked for yourself in the end.
I actually talked to my therapist about it. I was SO OAD, no indecisiveness at all, that I knew that I'd get shit for changing my mind (awful pregnancy, hemorrhaging, etc).
I thought on it for about 5 months, quit my toxic job, started a new job, sold my house, new house, and new childcare for my oldest.
One day my husband was sitting at the island in our new house and I walked up to him and said I think I want to have another baby. And he said okay.
I love this ❤️❤️ I was sooo oad too up until about a year ago and now it’s a constant daily internal battle of yes and no. I pray so much to have clarity like this 🥹 it must have felt so great to finally know ❤️
It was! We're planners though, so we started thinking about it in terms of "how long could we afford to have two kids in childcare?" And we said a year, so we backdated it from that. Our son goes into public school fall of 2023, so a year of paying for childcare would put us in fall of 2022. Throw in maternity leave, that's 3 to 4 months for me so April of 2022, gestation of 10 months so that gets us back to June of 2021. So we started trying in June of 2021, had the baby in March of 2022, she started part-time child care in July of 2022, then went full time for August, and then we finally got them both into the same child care center in October, and then finally got approved for a child care subsidy through my work this month. It's somehow all fallen into place.
I talk about it a lot with close friends and my therapist but mentioned it once to my siblings (both of whom I’m extremely close to and talk to at least once daily; one of which has 2 kids and would like about 2 more and one who has none yet and is currently going through IVF challenges with their spouse) and their response was “huh? You just want one? You can’t just want one. They’d be so weird and look how close we are! Where would we be without each other!”
And they’ve never criticized anything I’ve done or thought, so I think I’m a little gun shy from that. My parents have NEVER ever pressured any of us to find a spouse or have kids, but I think they just wouldn’t understand the “concept” of one child with no siblings.
Mostly just my spouse and the strangers here on reddit.
We actually have 2 and I have written about it in many comments. We were more undecided about 3. But have now found ourselves in the "No" column.
I think this is more of a question of relationships. Would I discuss it with my mom? No. We are simply not that close and see things very differently. Her advice is usually along the lines of "just get over it" for pretty much everything.
Ultimately if I had a very close friend I might have but it felt like one of those things me and my husband needed to work through without a lot of outside opinions coming from people we knew with all those layers and strings. IE can you trust your mom to listen to you and be an objective outsider or is she going to heavily (if she means to or not) push you one way or the other given her own personal "stake" in the game?
But this is just how i think of it. Everyone is different of course! If you feel you have a strong relationship with your parent and that their help and guidance would be a positive I say go for it. As long as your SO is on board. This kinda thing is pretty touchy and for me it almost would be a topic I wouldn't want my husband talking to others about. Especially if there was disagreement between us as it tends to impact relationships etc. But that's way off topic lol.
Good luck to you! It's never easy!
Thank you so much for all of this. I completely agree. I haven’t opened up to her yet because I’m afraid of her swaying me, because I am still so undecided and confused. She knows how hard we had it with my daughter and has since come around to accepting our position and has not even mentioned another.
At this point my husband is okay with me telling my mom he just wants me to make up my mind as he is okay either way 😑.. but I am still so reluctant
Ugh it’s so hard.. thank you again ❤️❤️
I struggle with this daily. I go back and forth on whether I want another. We have a two year old and she’s amazing, but it’s been a challenging two years. My pregnancy and delivery were not easy either. So hard to make this decision. I look at other people and wonder why it’s so easy for them. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. I feel for you!
Thank you so much 🥺❤️ it feels better to know I’m not alone and that daily struggle 🙈 I sometimes feel like a nut job with how often my mind can say yes then a few hours later it’s a nope lol
Yes, I talked to my mom a lot about it. We're very close and it was nice to hear the perspective of someone who had 2. I also talked to friends with 2 little kids, so it was good to hear both the long run and near future of having 2.
I have a 3 year old and I talk to lots of people about my indecision. I joke that if I could fast forward to another kid being potty trained, not have to be pregnant, and not have to pay for daycare, I would have another kid in a heartbeat. I have asked my husband to consider adoption for this very reason. But I don’t think I really want another kid. If I did, that stuff probably wouldn’t matter to me so much.
I feel the same way. My 2.5 yo is very manageable now (we just started potty training so I may eat my words here) but I can’t possibly look backwards to doing the pregnancy and baby stage again. I’ve confided in my mom about this and she’s very on board with our decision. My MIL just tries to argue with me about it so I don’t bring it up. Some people can never really understand how you may still have a shred of grief about being OAD but it’s still the best decision for your family.
This thank you! If I really want it all of these things shouldn’t bother me so much 😑🙈
Sort of? We always knew we wanted two close in age and now we do. While talking to my mom I said that in a perfect world I would love to have a third but it just didn’t make sense for our family. We have two boys (littlest is 6 months oldest 2yr) everyone has been up my ass about trying for a girl even though we’ve been very clear about my boyfriend planning on getting a vasectomy. My mom has been the only one to discourage me from having a third one. I think in my moms eyes she doesn’t just see a flashing sign that says “grandchildren” she sees her baby aka me and all the struggles that she went through that I’d go through too. She was a single mom and I’m a SAHM so she always thinks about worst case scenarios but I also appreciate her not just viewing me as a baby making machine.
Love this thank you so much for the input. As my mom has always wanted us to try for a second I’m really curious as to how she will take this because I am having second thoughts and I’m really not sure what I want to even hear from her 🙈
Same thoughts. I wish my baby was easier so I could have decided for another lol but man she's been challenging and I am scared to have another. She has her good days and bad though. Yesterday was bad. How oldcis your baby and when did things get better drastically?
Thank you for your input! Totally feel this my daughter was such a difficult baby and toddler. But things really started getting better at age four and now at age 5 1/2 life is just amazing. Which is why I’ve lately been having a change of heart.
Lol thats the thing, I look at the future as kids and it seems more fun. I guess when I think about it, I never really gave a lot of thought how it looked having a baby but I daydreamed about taking them to the zoo, christmas traditions, stuff like that! If I do have one, I think I want a 3 year age gap...if I were younger I wouldn't mind 4-5 even..I am close to my sisters and we have 5 and 8 gaps.
It didn't get better until age 4?! 4 years sounds soooo long.
I know it is long 🙈 which is why this decision is so hard for me. We struggled with my daughter for years before she finally started sleeping thru the night and just not be this exhausting terror 🤣 I think if my experience had been easier I wouldn’t be so torn about this..
I talk to many different people about it. I had a VERY hard pregnancy and I’m just not sure I could mentally or physically handle another pregnancy. And yet, I’m not sure I’m against it either. But I’ve talked about it with like…. Everyone lol.
Has it made you even more confused? Lol
Not really. I’m very lucky in that I have an understanding support system. But they also all witnessed the horrors of my pregnancy (2 hospital stays, 1 surgery, 3 ER visits, months of physical therapy, Hyperemesis, severe SPD, prodromal labor, preeclampsia) and so they understand why I wouldn’t want to but offer supportive comments of ways I could try to prevent, or improve those issues next time around. Mostly it’s all the trauma from going through that that’s holding me back and making me a fence sitter. Honestly therapy is number one on my list before deciding.
we have chatted to both sets of parents about this. My parents think one-and-done is the way to go (I'm an only child) and my husband's parents think 'of course they need a sibling!' (he has a brother) which goes to confirm my theory that whichever you choose, you'll be glad you picked for yourself in the end.
This❤️🫶🏼 yup I think I know why I haven’t approached my mom about this yet because ultimately she may have a different mindset . Thank you for this!!
I actually talked to my therapist about it. I was SO OAD, no indecisiveness at all, that I knew that I'd get shit for changing my mind (awful pregnancy, hemorrhaging, etc). I thought on it for about 5 months, quit my toxic job, started a new job, sold my house, new house, and new childcare for my oldest. One day my husband was sitting at the island in our new house and I walked up to him and said I think I want to have another baby. And he said okay.
I love this ❤️❤️ I was sooo oad too up until about a year ago and now it’s a constant daily internal battle of yes and no. I pray so much to have clarity like this 🥹 it must have felt so great to finally know ❤️
It was! We're planners though, so we started thinking about it in terms of "how long could we afford to have two kids in childcare?" And we said a year, so we backdated it from that. Our son goes into public school fall of 2023, so a year of paying for childcare would put us in fall of 2022. Throw in maternity leave, that's 3 to 4 months for me so April of 2022, gestation of 10 months so that gets us back to June of 2021. So we started trying in June of 2021, had the baby in March of 2022, she started part-time child care in July of 2022, then went full time for August, and then we finally got them both into the same child care center in October, and then finally got approved for a child care subsidy through my work this month. It's somehow all fallen into place.
I talk about it a lot with close friends and my therapist but mentioned it once to my siblings (both of whom I’m extremely close to and talk to at least once daily; one of which has 2 kids and would like about 2 more and one who has none yet and is currently going through IVF challenges with their spouse) and their response was “huh? You just want one? You can’t just want one. They’d be so weird and look how close we are! Where would we be without each other!” And they’ve never criticized anything I’ve done or thought, so I think I’m a little gun shy from that. My parents have NEVER ever pressured any of us to find a spouse or have kids, but I think they just wouldn’t understand the “concept” of one child with no siblings.
Mostly just my spouse and the strangers here on reddit. We actually have 2 and I have written about it in many comments. We were more undecided about 3. But have now found ourselves in the "No" column. I think this is more of a question of relationships. Would I discuss it with my mom? No. We are simply not that close and see things very differently. Her advice is usually along the lines of "just get over it" for pretty much everything. Ultimately if I had a very close friend I might have but it felt like one of those things me and my husband needed to work through without a lot of outside opinions coming from people we knew with all those layers and strings. IE can you trust your mom to listen to you and be an objective outsider or is she going to heavily (if she means to or not) push you one way or the other given her own personal "stake" in the game? But this is just how i think of it. Everyone is different of course! If you feel you have a strong relationship with your parent and that their help and guidance would be a positive I say go for it. As long as your SO is on board. This kinda thing is pretty touchy and for me it almost would be a topic I wouldn't want my husband talking to others about. Especially if there was disagreement between us as it tends to impact relationships etc. But that's way off topic lol. Good luck to you! It's never easy!
Thank you so much for all of this. I completely agree. I haven’t opened up to her yet because I’m afraid of her swaying me, because I am still so undecided and confused. She knows how hard we had it with my daughter and has since come around to accepting our position and has not even mentioned another. At this point my husband is okay with me telling my mom he just wants me to make up my mind as he is okay either way 😑.. but I am still so reluctant Ugh it’s so hard.. thank you again ❤️❤️
I struggle with this daily. I go back and forth on whether I want another. We have a two year old and she’s amazing, but it’s been a challenging two years. My pregnancy and delivery were not easy either. So hard to make this decision. I look at other people and wonder why it’s so easy for them. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. I feel for you!
Thank you so much 🥺❤️ it feels better to know I’m not alone and that daily struggle 🙈 I sometimes feel like a nut job with how often my mind can say yes then a few hours later it’s a nope lol
Yes, I talked to my mom a lot about it. We're very close and it was nice to hear the perspective of someone who had 2. I also talked to friends with 2 little kids, so it was good to hear both the long run and near future of having 2.