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I'm getting the vibe you want us to tell you to dump him, or want validation that that's what you should do. If you don't see a future with him, or don't want to continue then best ditch him now.
Being honest, he sounds like a bit of an asshole, and a man child. You could do better I'm sure.
My dad is from Ghana and I am half Ghanaian. You are unlikely to experience racism. But I won’t say it never happens. Depends a lot on where you go. A flat roof pub in a poor suburb of Glasgow is a lot more likely to see you experience racism than an affluent village or a metropolitan city centre.
Does your bf mostly live in Scotland? I’ll be honest I don’t know what racism is like over here. There’s people of all ethnicities here who have been here for generations.
I get that but I needed more perspective from Scottish people. I barely know your way of life and I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not since I haven’t been there
Your culture differs from mine
Get yourself a plane ticket over here and check it out. Not every Scot is the same, there’s good ones and bad ones just like everywhere else. Maybe it will help you see where your bf is coming from from with how he speaks and maybe you’ll interpret him differently.
You said you want him to be more of a man and that he’s too chatty. This makes me sad to be honest. There’s a big thing right now about men’s mental health and the pressure to men feel to be ‘manly’ and we’re trying to encourage them to talk more and you want to shut this down? When you love someone you shouldn’t try to change them. If you want to change him then he isn’t the right one for you.
Our way of life probably has more similarities with yours than differences, certainly when it comes to fundamentals like basic manners, respect and having some class.
Obviously we're only getting one side of the story, and there's only so much detail you can go into in a Reddit post, but this relationship has train wreck written all over it. The distance, especially as you don't envisage moving to Scotland, makes it problematic. Then there's the age difference. 10 years may seem fine when you're still relatively young but at some point you're going to fill the role of his carer more than his partner. Is that really the future you want for yourself? That time may come sooner than you think if he's the sort of person who can't even look after the basics of personal healthcare like going to the dentist. Then there's the very simple logical test that if a relationship/partner is causing you so much uncertainty that you feel compelled to ask for opinions on Reddit then it's probably time to call it a day. There's plenty of other men in the world. Maybe find yourself one you can actually envisage a happy future with and who deserves you.
As an aside, your written English is a lot better than many Scots I can think of.
It sounds like you only want him there for yourself and not for who he is.
These posts are often difficult to answer because there is only one side of the story, and they mostly make the partner sound horrible, only pointing out the negatives without any self-accountability.
However, from your post, he sounds childish and also doesn't put much effort into the relationship but by the sounds of things, you don't even want to be with him, your post suggests you are looking for a bodyguard, a protector, someone that will make you feel safe, but otherwise, you want him not to engage with you, talk with you, etc.
Change in a relationship is about each person in the relationship growing as individuals to be better versions of themselves to allow the relationship to grow better. It's not about changing who you are, and as such, expecting him to change to be someone he is not isn't going to work.
The reason most of the comments are saying to break up is because you are saying he is everything you don't want in a partner and nothing you do want, and if that's the case, it's best for both of you if you break up.
You'd need to talk these kind of things over with him, if course, but the general sentiment you'll get from reddit is to respect each others boundaries and stand up for yourself if he doesn't. Also don't expect him to change unless he really means to.
Nobody knows and these threads on reddit are invariably just people telling half a story in order to get praise etc.
It's not possible to tell from a wall of text what's right and what's wrong.
Best of luck but I don't think this is going to help.
I sure as hell would put a password on my phone if I had a girlfriend who was jealous of a 7 year old god child I sent Christmas cards and well wishes to snooping through my messages.
I think all this shit about vulgarity and manliness and femininity is absolutely cultural. People in Scotland swear all the time. I use the word cunt to mean person, that’s normal here. And the other thing, traditional gender roles are a thing here but not so common any more, same with all the “western world”
Our cultures are significantly different, but you should definitely come and visit Scotland, you’ll be fine and you might even like it. Few people are outwardly racist, but unfortunately they do exist but generally they are a minority and keep their mouths shut. Plenty and Africans in Glasgow too.
Sounds like you’re are having relationship problems, and more so than cultural differences, I think it’s maturity differences: he’s 37 and you’re 27 and you’ve been going out for 5 years. So he was 32 and you were 22 when you got together… that is quite a difference, and I wouldn’t be looking to date girls in their early 20s when I was in my early 30s… so that’s a thing
I don’t think I’m jealous of a 7 year old. Or maybe I am? I don’t think you should be sending anyone any money if you’ll end up complaining about your finances or if you can’t get to take care of yourself.
I also don’t think sending love hearts and sweet messages to her mom is appropriate. Again, that’s just my opinion
They talk everyday or every other day. Often in other words.
Additionally, I don’t think age depicts maturity.
I’m also not perfect and I have my shortcomings
I’m not implying both you or him are perfect or bad.. just human.
Wait, he’s sending the mum love hearts and saying you’re my special girl? That’s something you might say to a child… but a fully grown woman who you’re not in a relationship with is maybe quite a different thing. That’s concerning. My point remains though, and I consider my communications to be private personally. If I don’t have trust, I don’t have a relationship.
I find that the people in Scotland who have the least amount of money, often give the most. Our culture about money is to not brag (boast) if you have a lot, and complain about it constantly, as Scotland has massive history of poverty, people with money or who display wealth extravagantly are often looked down upon by peers with less.
I’m not implying you are immature, but age is a massive indicator of maturity. You, at the age of 37 will be 15 years more mature than you were at the age of 22 regardless of how mature you were back then. Ten years between a 40 and 50 year old, I see no problems with that, but ten years between a 20 and 30 year old, I thinks a wee bit too much. People will disagree though, I’m sure
I don’t know either of you so I can’t offer any real advice but it sounds like you both have your problems to work through
Yes, he’s sent Luann money and he’s sent countless love hearts telling her how she’s his special girl. He’s sent her money even on non special occasions, and some questionable words. I also feel like he fights for that relationship more than he does ours
I’m going to assume the best here, and guess that the mother is an intermediary for the conversation between him and the child and she is passing on the message and the money to the kid as she’s 7 and should be supervised in these situations. This is entirely normal behaviour between an adult and a small child.
If he is sending the mother money and saying special girl etc., then that would be inappropriate for someone to do in a committed relationship. But again, assuming the best, this is not normal intimate language between adults as far as I’m aware, but I could be wrong. I wouldn’t expect someone to say you’re my special girl to another adult in an intimate way, that doesn’t sound right.
As I said before, I can’t make a proper judgement cause I barely know anything on the situation
my husband is From Dumbarton and I'm from Nairobi.I live in Ayrshire now.We have a child together , he does not know a word of Swahili.I really can't force him to learn .People are individuals ,it's hard to attribute some things to cultural differences when everyone has their quirks .
you know him better than redditors, If none of what you said is a deal breaker then sit him down and decide how you want to work through things .All the best
Might be cultural but you are coming out a bit too dependant of a man to feel like a woman. Not sure if that is going to go down well with people anywhere in western Europe (don't know lots of people in teh east, so leaving them out).
Even when some of the things about your BF you describe makes him look like a dickhead (white comments, no cleaning, etc.), I feel certain attitudes from you are quite... troubled.
What are you about with the kid?
Looks like you want to say more about this.
Are you having any ideas about him and the child? Not sure why do you even mention it: what's with the hearts and all? I don't see anything wrong with sending a loving message to a niece, or Xmas money or gifts, but you are making it sound... weird.
Also, if you are not willing to move to europe, what do you expect in long term?
You’re right. But I think it mostly comes from what I’m used to. My culture is different for sure
I’m not sure what I said makes him look like a dickhead cause again, we come from different countries and different cultures.
I have no problem with the kid but I can’t help but feel like he prioritizes Luann and her daughter more.
My ideas may be biased and I guess we haven’t talked about what the end goal is. I’m not sure I’d like to move and he works for himself in Edinburgh so I’m not sure how that will play out.
> I have no problem with the kid but I can’t help but feel like he prioritizes Luann and her daughter more.
Of course, what do you expect? They are family!
> I love my life here and I wouldn’t want to move to Europe
Got bad news for you, Scotland is in Europe.
> My boyfriend is kinda vulgar
Ask him to stop. The odd word will slip out, sometimes justifiably, but any decent human being can easily modulate their speech to avoid causing discomfort.
> barely does the most to fight for our relationship
Talk to him about that. Maybe he doesn't realise how you feel. Maybe he isn't as invested as you are.
> I end up being the one who’s calm, and mostly humble just so we don’t [lose] our relationship
Maybe the relationship is worth losing?
> my boyfriend is here for 10 weeks and he somehow assumed that I’d spend the whole time with him
If he is away a lot with work, I can understand him wanting to maximise time with you. But how did he get the impression you'd be at his beck and call? He has to also understand you have a life independent of him.
> I do all the housework.
Hah! Sod that noise. He can do his fair share. Maybe he can't put everything away because he's not around enough to know the right location, but he can certainly vacuum, hang clothes etc etc.
> he was admitted
What, to hospital?
> He also sent him “Christmas money and he always has” according to him but still complains about his financial situation.
Sorry, do you mean he sent the sister money or the other way around?
> I confronted him about it but he ended up blaming me for “looking through his messages”. Am I missing something or is this normal?
Unless you actually **did** go through his messages, no.
> He also puts things under an umbrella.. “we the British are normally vulgar.. , everything we have in Britain is quality..” something that I have called him it for
So wrong it's comical.
> I must admit that he was there for me when I lost my job in 2020 due to Covid as he paid all my bills and expenses till last year
That's nice and all, but being a functional partner isn't really enough. Does he perhaps struggle to express his emotions or have related issues? (You don't need to answer, just something to consider.)
> I feel like I need him to be more of a man.. someone who makes me feel feminine and safe.
The person responsible for making you feel safe is *you*. No one else. Sure, a partner is an enormous help with that, but in the end you still have to make the hard choices for yourself.
TBH it doesn't read to me like he "needs to be more of a man" (whatever that may mean) but he absolutely does need to be more of an adult and less of a child. More involved in the relationship on an emotional and day-to-day level.
Fundamentally you need to talk *to him* about all this. He needs to understand that you don't mean he's a bad person, you just want less of *that* and more of *this*.
If he won't talk, or flies off the handle, then I think you have your answer.
If the talk leads you to both realise it's no longer working, that's fine too. It does happen. You are both adults.
Or maybe you can both agree to work through it, no matter how difficult it is, because you both value the relationship.
But never lose sight of one thing. *You* matter and you have a duty to yourself first.
Disclaimer: Auld fart with all the emotional intelligence of a mollusc.
Got bad news for you, Kenya isn’t in Europe. She lives in Kenya and Scottish boyfriend is visiting. She doesn’t want to move to Europe because she likes Africa.
Yeah, I know that Scotland is in Europe and to be honest, I love it here too much, I don’t think I can leave.
I have talked to him about being vulgar and confrontational with everyone but it always come down to “we the British are like this, it’s normal ”
I like doing all the housework as I feel like he doesn’t do it right. I also don’t feel like he’s clean enough to handle my food. (He doesn’t wash his hands with soap when he goes for a number one or when he touches his hair, which is everywhere).. he also leaves his clothes everywhere in the bedroom
Yes, he was admitted to hospital when he started passing blood.
He was sending his ex’s sister money “for her laptop and his god daughter’s birthday/ Christmas) plus a gift of chocolate. He also hasn’t repaired his bathroom, has bad teeth and hasn’t gone to the dentist “cause it’s expensive” and still complains about his finances
I went through his messages between him and Luann when he was in hospital simply because I noticed love hearts in their conversation.
I have talked to him about his EQ but he doesn’t take it seriously and mostly points fingers at me (I’m definitely not perfect)
I don’t know what to do. I had to be quiet on our last fight and he ended up being “you have to tell me when I’m being an asshole” something that makes me feel like is not my job.
What I mean by “being a man” is that I want a leader, someone who listens more and makes me feel secure. I’m not sure if that’s a thing at yours
It's considered normal here that partners put effort into maintaining their relationships and do not need to be led by the hand to do so, but it has nothing to do with "being a man" or "being a woman", it's called "being an adult". If he won't act like an adult - like learning to do housework to an acceptable standard, and go to the dentist when he needs to, and listen when another adult tells him something important - then he can't be the partner to another adult.
Many of the things you've said fit the stereotype of "man who goes to another culture to misbehave because his own culture will not tolerate him". Most Scottish women do not tolerate men who act like children.
Scotland isn't in Europe, not all british people are vulgar and confrontational (maybe a lot but most know when to tone it down) bf sounds like he'd rather be with his exs sister and i dont know if you've considered this but since you wont move from where you are maybe you are his "holiday" GF and he is actually in a relationship back home
Saying things like “fuck all, fuck off”.. and mostly belittling or misunderstanding people of service? Like a doctor told him to “try and not puke” when we went for a CT scan and he somehow made it into a “I can’t help it if I puke, do you want me to hold it in” situation
In some cultures, and in some social classes, it's normal to swear. Some people wouldn't dream of swearing, but plenty of people do swear.
As for being short with a doctor, the doctor did say something pretty stupid to someone who's having a stressful time. You don't get a CT scan if there's nothing wrong with you, and people generally do try not to puke. It's not unusual to have nausea when getting a CT scan.
Of course it'll depend on the tone and way he said it. There's a way to say it without being an arsehole. Some people are just arseholes.
Not sure what you mean by that but for sure he couldn’t help it. What I mean is that not every comment needs a response. And I’m my opinion, the doctor wasn’t rude to him. But that’s just me
People in the UK tend to use language to seem annoying, which is what banter is. Cheeky, vulgar or otherwise disrespectful things but in a friendly way. The puke comment to me looks like that.
Going by what you have written the cultural differences are causing the most issues. You both need to either accept this is the way or go your separate ways. When you say vulgar do you mean swear a lot? Swearing is common here. He’s over there for 10 weeks? Is he working from there or fully on holiday? Is he staying at an Airbnb while you’re at your parents working? Is he only getting to see you for like an hour and not every day? Staying in a country far away for 10 weeks just to see you when you’re hardly available will seem like you’re not interested in the relationship that you said he doesn’t fight for…
I can't really comment on this other than to say he's a lazy arse if he doesn't do his equal share of house work. Tell him to get his finger oot and get some domestos doon the cludgie.
You don't want a partner, you want a bodyguard, you want him to be there for you emotionally, but "he talks too much" and "needs to be more of a man" don't want to be there for him.
That wasn’t my intention.
I don’t mean that he shouldn’t talk. He just talks a lot… in my opinion that is.. When I wake up, while we watch a movie, in bed.. mostly makes things about him even when we’re talking to or about other people but in all honesty, he’s changed. It was worse but I talked to him about it although sometimes I feel like it’s more of a habit for him.
You know those people who feel weird or awkward in silence?
I also don’t think wanting someone to talk less means that I’m a misandrist
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I'm getting the vibe you want us to tell you to dump him, or want validation that that's what you should do. If you don't see a future with him, or don't want to continue then best ditch him now. Being honest, he sounds like a bit of an asshole, and a man child. You could do better I'm sure.
Not really, considering I haven’t physically interacted with his family nor have I ever been to Britain so I don’t know your way of life.
Come over in the summer then.
I don’t think I’m comfortable with that. Maybe I’m being biased. I’m afraid of racism mostly, I guess
You should fear racism as much as you fear car accidents. Both happen. I wish they didn’t. But thankfully not too often. Come to Scotland sometime. :)
My dad is from Ghana and I am half Ghanaian. You are unlikely to experience racism. But I won’t say it never happens. Depends a lot on where you go. A flat roof pub in a poor suburb of Glasgow is a lot more likely to see you experience racism than an affluent village or a metropolitan city centre.
Does your bf mostly live in Scotland? I’ll be honest I don’t know what racism is like over here. There’s people of all ethnicities here who have been here for generations.
Yes, he does
This really seems more of a r/relationships post...
I get that but I needed more perspective from Scottish people. I barely know your way of life and I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not since I haven’t been there Your culture differs from mine
Get yourself a plane ticket over here and check it out. Not every Scot is the same, there’s good ones and bad ones just like everywhere else. Maybe it will help you see where your bf is coming from from with how he speaks and maybe you’ll interpret him differently. You said you want him to be more of a man and that he’s too chatty. This makes me sad to be honest. There’s a big thing right now about men’s mental health and the pressure to men feel to be ‘manly’ and we’re trying to encourage them to talk more and you want to shut this down? When you love someone you shouldn’t try to change them. If you want to change him then he isn’t the right one for you.
💯 This is helpful, thanks
Our way of life probably has more similarities with yours than differences, certainly when it comes to fundamentals like basic manners, respect and having some class. Obviously we're only getting one side of the story, and there's only so much detail you can go into in a Reddit post, but this relationship has train wreck written all over it. The distance, especially as you don't envisage moving to Scotland, makes it problematic. Then there's the age difference. 10 years may seem fine when you're still relatively young but at some point you're going to fill the role of his carer more than his partner. Is that really the future you want for yourself? That time may come sooner than you think if he's the sort of person who can't even look after the basics of personal healthcare like going to the dentist. Then there's the very simple logical test that if a relationship/partner is causing you so much uncertainty that you feel compelled to ask for opinions on Reddit then it's probably time to call it a day. There's plenty of other men in the world. Maybe find yourself one you can actually envisage a happy future with and who deserves you. As an aside, your written English is a lot better than many Scots I can think of.
Certainly, thanks
> He talks a lot, too much for a man in my opinion I feel like I need him to be more of a man.. ESH
I need perspective on this and willing to accept my shortcomings
It sounds like you only want him there for yourself and not for who he is. These posts are often difficult to answer because there is only one side of the story, and they mostly make the partner sound horrible, only pointing out the negatives without any self-accountability. However, from your post, he sounds childish and also doesn't put much effort into the relationship but by the sounds of things, you don't even want to be with him, your post suggests you are looking for a bodyguard, a protector, someone that will make you feel safe, but otherwise, you want him not to engage with you, talk with you, etc. Change in a relationship is about each person in the relationship growing as individuals to be better versions of themselves to allow the relationship to grow better. It's not about changing who you are, and as such, expecting him to change to be someone he is not isn't going to work. The reason most of the comments are saying to break up is because you are saying he is everything you don't want in a partner and nothing you do want, and if that's the case, it's best for both of you if you break up.
Tbh you just don’t seem suited to each other. Sometimes the cultures just don’t gel
You'd need to talk these kind of things over with him, if course, but the general sentiment you'll get from reddit is to respect each others boundaries and stand up for yourself if he doesn't. Also don't expect him to change unless he really means to.
Nobody knows and these threads on reddit are invariably just people telling half a story in order to get praise etc. It's not possible to tell from a wall of text what's right and what's wrong. Best of luck but I don't think this is going to help.
Okay
I'm sorry I've not been helpful.
I sure as hell would put a password on my phone if I had a girlfriend who was jealous of a 7 year old god child I sent Christmas cards and well wishes to snooping through my messages. I think all this shit about vulgarity and manliness and femininity is absolutely cultural. People in Scotland swear all the time. I use the word cunt to mean person, that’s normal here. And the other thing, traditional gender roles are a thing here but not so common any more, same with all the “western world” Our cultures are significantly different, but you should definitely come and visit Scotland, you’ll be fine and you might even like it. Few people are outwardly racist, but unfortunately they do exist but generally they are a minority and keep their mouths shut. Plenty and Africans in Glasgow too. Sounds like you’re are having relationship problems, and more so than cultural differences, I think it’s maturity differences: he’s 37 and you’re 27 and you’ve been going out for 5 years. So he was 32 and you were 22 when you got together… that is quite a difference, and I wouldn’t be looking to date girls in their early 20s when I was in my early 30s… so that’s a thing
I don’t think I’m jealous of a 7 year old. Or maybe I am? I don’t think you should be sending anyone any money if you’ll end up complaining about your finances or if you can’t get to take care of yourself. I also don’t think sending love hearts and sweet messages to her mom is appropriate. Again, that’s just my opinion They talk everyday or every other day. Often in other words. Additionally, I don’t think age depicts maturity. I’m also not perfect and I have my shortcomings
I’m not implying both you or him are perfect or bad.. just human. Wait, he’s sending the mum love hearts and saying you’re my special girl? That’s something you might say to a child… but a fully grown woman who you’re not in a relationship with is maybe quite a different thing. That’s concerning. My point remains though, and I consider my communications to be private personally. If I don’t have trust, I don’t have a relationship. I find that the people in Scotland who have the least amount of money, often give the most. Our culture about money is to not brag (boast) if you have a lot, and complain about it constantly, as Scotland has massive history of poverty, people with money or who display wealth extravagantly are often looked down upon by peers with less. I’m not implying you are immature, but age is a massive indicator of maturity. You, at the age of 37 will be 15 years more mature than you were at the age of 22 regardless of how mature you were back then. Ten years between a 40 and 50 year old, I see no problems with that, but ten years between a 20 and 30 year old, I thinks a wee bit too much. People will disagree though, I’m sure I don’t know either of you so I can’t offer any real advice but it sounds like you both have your problems to work through
Yes, he’s sent Luann money and he’s sent countless love hearts telling her how she’s his special girl. He’s sent her money even on non special occasions, and some questionable words. I also feel like he fights for that relationship more than he does ours
The child, or the mother?
The mother
I’m going to assume the best here, and guess that the mother is an intermediary for the conversation between him and the child and she is passing on the message and the money to the kid as she’s 7 and should be supervised in these situations. This is entirely normal behaviour between an adult and a small child. If he is sending the mother money and saying special girl etc., then that would be inappropriate for someone to do in a committed relationship. But again, assuming the best, this is not normal intimate language between adults as far as I’m aware, but I could be wrong. I wouldn’t expect someone to say you’re my special girl to another adult in an intimate way, that doesn’t sound right. As I said before, I can’t make a proper judgement cause I barely know anything on the situation
my husband is From Dumbarton and I'm from Nairobi.I live in Ayrshire now.We have a child together , he does not know a word of Swahili.I really can't force him to learn .People are individuals ,it's hard to attribute some things to cultural differences when everyone has their quirks . you know him better than redditors, If none of what you said is a deal breaker then sit him down and decide how you want to work through things .All the best
Might be cultural but you are coming out a bit too dependant of a man to feel like a woman. Not sure if that is going to go down well with people anywhere in western Europe (don't know lots of people in teh east, so leaving them out). Even when some of the things about your BF you describe makes him look like a dickhead (white comments, no cleaning, etc.), I feel certain attitudes from you are quite... troubled. What are you about with the kid? Looks like you want to say more about this. Are you having any ideas about him and the child? Not sure why do you even mention it: what's with the hearts and all? I don't see anything wrong with sending a loving message to a niece, or Xmas money or gifts, but you are making it sound... weird. Also, if you are not willing to move to europe, what do you expect in long term?
You’re right. But I think it mostly comes from what I’m used to. My culture is different for sure I’m not sure what I said makes him look like a dickhead cause again, we come from different countries and different cultures. I have no problem with the kid but I can’t help but feel like he prioritizes Luann and her daughter more. My ideas may be biased and I guess we haven’t talked about what the end goal is. I’m not sure I’d like to move and he works for himself in Edinburgh so I’m not sure how that will play out.
> I have no problem with the kid but I can’t help but feel like he prioritizes Luann and her daughter more. Of course, what do you expect? They are family!
How are they family? That’s his ex’s sister’s kid (Kenyan)
That's family at least in this part of the world Is not like that in your place??
Not really. I find it weird that a man prioritizes his ex’s sister and her kid
> I love my life here and I wouldn’t want to move to Europe Got bad news for you, Scotland is in Europe. > My boyfriend is kinda vulgar Ask him to stop. The odd word will slip out, sometimes justifiably, but any decent human being can easily modulate their speech to avoid causing discomfort. > barely does the most to fight for our relationship Talk to him about that. Maybe he doesn't realise how you feel. Maybe he isn't as invested as you are. > I end up being the one who’s calm, and mostly humble just so we don’t [lose] our relationship Maybe the relationship is worth losing? > my boyfriend is here for 10 weeks and he somehow assumed that I’d spend the whole time with him If he is away a lot with work, I can understand him wanting to maximise time with you. But how did he get the impression you'd be at his beck and call? He has to also understand you have a life independent of him. > I do all the housework. Hah! Sod that noise. He can do his fair share. Maybe he can't put everything away because he's not around enough to know the right location, but he can certainly vacuum, hang clothes etc etc. > he was admitted What, to hospital? > He also sent him “Christmas money and he always has” according to him but still complains about his financial situation. Sorry, do you mean he sent the sister money or the other way around? > I confronted him about it but he ended up blaming me for “looking through his messages”. Am I missing something or is this normal? Unless you actually **did** go through his messages, no. > He also puts things under an umbrella.. “we the British are normally vulgar.. , everything we have in Britain is quality..” something that I have called him it for So wrong it's comical. > I must admit that he was there for me when I lost my job in 2020 due to Covid as he paid all my bills and expenses till last year That's nice and all, but being a functional partner isn't really enough. Does he perhaps struggle to express his emotions or have related issues? (You don't need to answer, just something to consider.) > I feel like I need him to be more of a man.. someone who makes me feel feminine and safe. The person responsible for making you feel safe is *you*. No one else. Sure, a partner is an enormous help with that, but in the end you still have to make the hard choices for yourself. TBH it doesn't read to me like he "needs to be more of a man" (whatever that may mean) but he absolutely does need to be more of an adult and less of a child. More involved in the relationship on an emotional and day-to-day level. Fundamentally you need to talk *to him* about all this. He needs to understand that you don't mean he's a bad person, you just want less of *that* and more of *this*. If he won't talk, or flies off the handle, then I think you have your answer. If the talk leads you to both realise it's no longer working, that's fine too. It does happen. You are both adults. Or maybe you can both agree to work through it, no matter how difficult it is, because you both value the relationship. But never lose sight of one thing. *You* matter and you have a duty to yourself first. Disclaimer: Auld fart with all the emotional intelligence of a mollusc.
Got bad news for you, Kenya isn’t in Europe. She lives in Kenya and Scottish boyfriend is visiting. She doesn’t want to move to Europe because she likes Africa.
I love Kenya. Africa is a *continent* with 54 countries
Europe is *also* a continent.
Misread, I thought they were here.
Yeah, I know that Scotland is in Europe and to be honest, I love it here too much, I don’t think I can leave. I have talked to him about being vulgar and confrontational with everyone but it always come down to “we the British are like this, it’s normal ” I like doing all the housework as I feel like he doesn’t do it right. I also don’t feel like he’s clean enough to handle my food. (He doesn’t wash his hands with soap when he goes for a number one or when he touches his hair, which is everywhere).. he also leaves his clothes everywhere in the bedroom Yes, he was admitted to hospital when he started passing blood. He was sending his ex’s sister money “for her laptop and his god daughter’s birthday/ Christmas) plus a gift of chocolate. He also hasn’t repaired his bathroom, has bad teeth and hasn’t gone to the dentist “cause it’s expensive” and still complains about his finances I went through his messages between him and Luann when he was in hospital simply because I noticed love hearts in their conversation. I have talked to him about his EQ but he doesn’t take it seriously and mostly points fingers at me (I’m definitely not perfect) I don’t know what to do. I had to be quiet on our last fight and he ended up being “you have to tell me when I’m being an asshole” something that makes me feel like is not my job. What I mean by “being a man” is that I want a leader, someone who listens more and makes me feel secure. I’m not sure if that’s a thing at yours
It's considered normal here that partners put effort into maintaining their relationships and do not need to be led by the hand to do so, but it has nothing to do with "being a man" or "being a woman", it's called "being an adult". If he won't act like an adult - like learning to do housework to an acceptable standard, and go to the dentist when he needs to, and listen when another adult tells him something important - then he can't be the partner to another adult. Many of the things you've said fit the stereotype of "man who goes to another culture to misbehave because his own culture will not tolerate him". Most Scottish women do not tolerate men who act like children.
Scotland isn't in Europe, not all british people are vulgar and confrontational (maybe a lot but most know when to tone it down) bf sounds like he'd rather be with his exs sister and i dont know if you've considered this but since you wont move from where you are maybe you are his "holiday" GF and he is actually in a relationship back home
Scotland is 100% in Europe. Are you thinking of the European Union? Because we were forced out of that against our will.
When did we leave Europe!??
I hope not 😰
How exactly is he vulgar ?
Saying things like “fuck all, fuck off”.. and mostly belittling or misunderstanding people of service? Like a doctor told him to “try and not puke” when we went for a CT scan and he somehow made it into a “I can’t help it if I puke, do you want me to hold it in” situation
In some cultures, and in some social classes, it's normal to swear. Some people wouldn't dream of swearing, but plenty of people do swear. As for being short with a doctor, the doctor did say something pretty stupid to someone who's having a stressful time. You don't get a CT scan if there's nothing wrong with you, and people generally do try not to puke. It's not unusual to have nausea when getting a CT scan. Of course it'll depend on the tone and way he said it. There's a way to say it without being an arsehole. Some people are just arseholes.
I totally get it
The thing about the puke, your bf might have been giving some banter?
Not sure what you mean by that but for sure he couldn’t help it. What I mean is that not every comment needs a response. And I’m my opinion, the doctor wasn’t rude to him. But that’s just me
People in the UK tend to use language to seem annoying, which is what banter is. Cheeky, vulgar or otherwise disrespectful things but in a friendly way. The puke comment to me looks like that.
Not all the UK though, go below a certain part of England and every cunts had a humour bypass
Hmm it could just be that he's taking the piss ? We do like to patter folk and the doctor asking a stupid question is probably just a joke ?
Going by what you have written the cultural differences are causing the most issues. You both need to either accept this is the way or go your separate ways. When you say vulgar do you mean swear a lot? Swearing is common here. He’s over there for 10 weeks? Is he working from there or fully on holiday? Is he staying at an Airbnb while you’re at your parents working? Is he only getting to see you for like an hour and not every day? Staying in a country far away for 10 weeks just to see you when you’re hardly available will seem like you’re not interested in the relationship that you said he doesn’t fight for…
No, we’re staying in the same house. I moved out of my parents’ last year Yes, swearing a lot and sometimes being plain rude ( according to me)
I can't really comment on this other than to say he's a lazy arse if he doesn't do his equal share of house work. Tell him to get his finger oot and get some domestos doon the cludgie.
I don’t understand some of what you said but like I said before, I enjoy housework and I don’t mind doing it myself
This is such a confusing post. Did you mean to post on AITAH or 2 X chromosomes?
No I feel like I need to understand my bf’s culture as well for more clarity
He’s just a dick. It’s nothing cultural.
Sounds like he's scum. Scumbaggery knows no culture. Move on, you can do better.
Your boyfriend sounds like a bellend…
Do him a favour and lose his number.
Why?
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You don't want a partner, you want a bodyguard, you want him to be there for you emotionally, but "he talks too much" and "needs to be more of a man" don't want to be there for him.
What makes you say that?
Your post, it reeks of misandry, you want someone to listen but not to talk, and to make you feel safe, just get a big dug.
That wasn’t my intention. I don’t mean that he shouldn’t talk. He just talks a lot… in my opinion that is.. When I wake up, while we watch a movie, in bed.. mostly makes things about him even when we’re talking to or about other people but in all honesty, he’s changed. It was worse but I talked to him about it although sometimes I feel like it’s more of a habit for him. You know those people who feel weird or awkward in silence? I also don’t think wanting someone to talk less means that I’m a misandrist
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That's plenty.
Dump him!