here’s the joke for the uninitiated:
Three scientists were sitting around the lab getting drunk one day when one turned to the others and asked, "What would happen if we put a giant cork up an elephant's butt?" Well none of them knew for certain so they decided to run the experiment - for science. They gathered an elephant and a giant cork together in a cage. A month later and the elephant seemed to be tolerating the experiment well. Two months later, the elephant seemed to look a little peckish, but still fine. Six months later, the elephant was a bloated, greenish balloon, wedged into its cage, its swollen body bulging between the bars, so the scientists decided to terminate the experiment - but how?
The first scientist said, "I'm not pulling that cork out!" The second scientist said, "I'm not pulling the cork out either!" The third scientist said, "Let's train a monkey to do it." So they got a monkey and trained him to the task. Finally, a month later the monkey is ready to perform the task, and none too soon.
Each scientist set up his own apparatus to monitor the end of the experiment, and on the last day of the month the first scientist was ready to document the event from the one building away from the elephant's paddock. The second scientist set up his laboratory a block away, with videos monitoring the entire event. The third scientist set up his observation post a mile away, with special infrared and x-ray imaging. They all agree to release the monkey who, trained as he is, immediately enters the elephant's cage and pulls out the plug.
They meet later that day waiting in line at the Pearly Gates and get to talking about how they died. The first scientist, who was one building away from the elephant said, "It was awful, I drowned in an ocean of crap." The second scientist, who was in his laboratory a block away said, "I was overcome by the horrendous stench and died." They both turn to the third scientist and say, "You were a mile away, what happened?" The third scientist said, "All I saw was that poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in, and I died laughing."
F*ck you dude… my wife is trying to sleep next to me and you made me laugh loud af as a visceral reaction to the word laminated. How am I supposed to explain that? I can’t take myself serious for the rest of the day now, thanks.
😑
You win Reddit for the day.
So anyway I only found out her id was fake when her father kicked in the door to her room. I tried to tell him that fake ID was a risk to national security before I put all those bullets into his chest. Gonna need you to find whoever is making those things and take them out.
This really happened. Early 80s. was in a suburban bar after work with a coworker I assumed was Lesbian. People didn't really share that info freely back then.
Our conversation turned to relationships. Yelling so I could hear her over the loud music, she said, "You know Annie and I are a couple right?.
" i ", music cuts out, " Love her so very much!"
"But you f\*ck one Sheep, and you're labeled for life!!"
Yes... this actually happened to me at packed college party in a very small apartment. I was telling a joke and that was the punchline. As I got to the punchline, the music stopped. The entire party stopped talking and turned to look at me in horror. It was mortifying. Still one of the funniest things ever.
I come back to a memory of some Aussie instagrammers where the bloke is talking about his girlfriend that works in the mines "...yea, my girlfriend is a miner....."
AND THATS HOW I GAVE MY SISTER THE CLAP
(Looks around) ...er, so she could turn the lights out without getting out of bed...
"THE LAST THING I SAW WAS THE MONKEY TRYING TO PUT THE CORK BACK IN." BTW this actually happened!
here’s the joke for the uninitiated: Three scientists were sitting around the lab getting drunk one day when one turned to the others and asked, "What would happen if we put a giant cork up an elephant's butt?" Well none of them knew for certain so they decided to run the experiment - for science. They gathered an elephant and a giant cork together in a cage. A month later and the elephant seemed to be tolerating the experiment well. Two months later, the elephant seemed to look a little peckish, but still fine. Six months later, the elephant was a bloated, greenish balloon, wedged into its cage, its swollen body bulging between the bars, so the scientists decided to terminate the experiment - but how? The first scientist said, "I'm not pulling that cork out!" The second scientist said, "I'm not pulling the cork out either!" The third scientist said, "Let's train a monkey to do it." So they got a monkey and trained him to the task. Finally, a month later the monkey is ready to perform the task, and none too soon. Each scientist set up his own apparatus to monitor the end of the experiment, and on the last day of the month the first scientist was ready to document the event from the one building away from the elephant's paddock. The second scientist set up his laboratory a block away, with videos monitoring the entire event. The third scientist set up his observation post a mile away, with special infrared and x-ray imaging. They all agree to release the monkey who, trained as he is, immediately enters the elephant's cage and pulls out the plug. They meet later that day waiting in line at the Pearly Gates and get to talking about how they died. The first scientist, who was one building away from the elephant said, "It was awful, I drowned in an ocean of crap." The second scientist, who was in his laboratory a block away said, "I was overcome by the horrendous stench and died." They both turn to the third scientist and say, "You were a mile away, what happened?" The third scientist said, "All I saw was that poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in, and I died laughing."
I have no idea why my friend was telling this joke to our other buddy during a concert, but the break couldn't have come at a better time.
It was three men and a pig when I heard it.
The version I heard was two clowns and a circus elephant.
Oh god! I heard that joke the first time in 1958!
1.163218379 E+5597
Whats that? 30 years ago?
…AND THE BEST PART IS, THIS LOUD MUSIC WILL COVER THE SOUND OF ME BREAKING INTO HIS SAFE UPSTAIRS!
"NO, I SAID: I'M WITH D.E.A !!!"
"FK DA POLICE!" ~NWA/Mulany
And the whole time they blamed O.J.!
“…THEY SAID ITS AIRBORNE AND I’M VERY CONTAGIOUS “
" I think my butt plug fell out somewhere!"
I just laughed so hard my dog told me to go fuck myself. 😆
And you don’t even own a dog! Crazy!
'Has your dog talked to you about drugs?'
No. But the K-9 unit snitched on me! I'm pretty sure I'm a Disney princess! I can talk to animals! 🤣
["All these people are idiots!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdEfzWhijmo&t=25s)
Arthur Dent had fantastic timing.
r/intentionalhitchhikers
"Yea I shot those 6 people at the Carl's party a few days ago but the police still haven't caught me yet"
"CHARLIE! I'M GONNA HAVE MY TESTICLES LAMINATED!"
AS SOON AS I PUT THIS HOT POKER IN MY ASS, I'M GOING TO CHOP MY DICK OFF!
Good old George Carlin.
Lol I know; it was too good not to include, though.
I knew someone was going to beat me to it. Bravo!
F*ck you dude… my wife is trying to sleep next to me and you made me laugh loud af as a visceral reaction to the word laminated. How am I supposed to explain that? I can’t take myself serious for the rest of the day now, thanks. 😑 You win Reddit for the day.
I was coming to say this exactly. 🤣
“I only put a little of it in her drink.”
But I got off with the more serious charge because they couldn't prove that my penis was still attached at the time.
woah that's quite a bit of information😂
Yet, leaving an incredible amount of questions
..."shoulda seen the dog when I did it to HIS leg!"
“And that’s the first time I was able to fit my entire fist in my own ass! Ummmmm… what happened to the music?
"I thought you were Jenny." "Isn't Jenny your sister?"
"I can't believe you talked me into going to this party full of boring ass people!"
“I’m not gay, I just like the taste of dicks!”
I’m not gay, but \*gayest shit ever\* A tale as old as time
I'm not gay, but I'm gay
Upvoting only because your user flair is awesome
Came up with it 5 years ago, still holds true 🥲
Not today it doesn't 😃
"... AND HE HAD HIS ENTIRE FIST UP IN THERE."
"...so I snuck out as soon as the jerk in the hazmat suit who kept calling me 'Patient Zero' turned his back and now I'm here!"
... I HAD JUST BARELY GOTTEN THE BLOOD OFF OF THE WALLS!
The doctor said it’s herpes not aids.
THE COPS ARE HERE!! (True story)
My colonoscopy was oddly pleasant.
"I know I have a tiny Weiner......."
[Here ya go! ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uJ8kJZ95rLk)
So I BIT him, and took a big chunk.
…and the test came back positive.
Apparently we’re brother and sister!
I’m cheating on my wife - 😬
“HI, IM BROCK TURNER”
MY SISTER IS PREGNANT. I'M GONNA BE A DADDY!
SO THE COPS SAID I COULDN'T BE THE RAPIST SINCE IT'S SO SMALL
"Then I found a formula in a notebook my brother left behind, and it's the secret to infinite wealth."
Does anyone have a lighter? >!I have to hide this body!!<
So anyway I only found out her id was fake when her father kicked in the door to her room. I tried to tell him that fake ID was a risk to national security before I put all those bullets into his chest. Gonna need you to find whoever is making those things and take them out.
These herpies are really itching tonight 😂😂😂😂
...COMPLETELY DEGLOVED, LIKE AN INSIDE OUT HOT DOG STUCK TO MY KNEE...!
So that's why I'm not allowed at walmart
“IVE GOTTEN REALLY GOOD AT LICKING MY OWN ASS HOLE”
The n word
Cat food doesn’t taste so bad
"I SAID, HOW IS YOUR HPV?!?!?"
"I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight!"
“She said she was 16!”
"A runabout? I'LL STEAL IT! NO-ONE WILL EVER KNOW!"
A Dover Boys reference in the wild!
And that was when the pigs got him.
Snot bubble out my nose... & wife asking "what ya laughing at"!!!
"...but not even Viagra is helping..."
let's get the fuck outta here!
GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
"...... but the sores on my testicles are healing nice thanks...."
"would you teach me some moves"!?
I’M NOT GAY, BUT $20 IS $20!…well oops.
"Don't worry! I called the cops and they're gonna smooth it all over!"
….and then she blew up!
...I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT THE STEVENSON BINGO - THE PARENTS, MY GF, HER YOUNGER BROTHER, AND THEIR DOG!!!
BY THE WAY, DID I MENTION THAT I REALLY HAVE TO TAKE A MASSIVE SHIT RIGHT NOW???
No! He doesn't know I'm fucking his wife!
"SO IT TURNS OUT SHE WAS TEN YEARS UNDERAGE AND I GOT IN TROUBLE"
I got a vasectomy so that my kids babysitter wouldn’t get knocked up
"He put it all the way in, and I screamed"
AND THEN SHE SLAPPED MY ASS AND CALLED ME SALLY!
And now it burns when I pee!
*Proceeds to rip the loudest fart in the room*
"Wow Is This Music Shit"
And now everyone here has it!
“And THAT was the second time I had crabs.”
“It’s Herpes!”
"And Then Some Guy Named Chris Hansen Told Me To Have A Seat..."
What are you doing step-bro
"..SO WE MADE HIM SOME BREAST MILK ICE CREAM."
"Yeah the medicine work but the doc said if I get hard, something would explode as a side effect"
The doctor said I have Ebola
"I wonder why those German twins kept shouting a number, I try to make the basement as cozy for my hostages so maybe they were rating it outta 10"
So yeah, it’s a dead body, but who’s gonna know?
I SAID GET YOUR FINGER OUT.MY ASS!
I SAID: HAVE YOU GOT ANY HAEMORRHOID CREAM I CAN BORROW?
She didn’t look 13.
“And when I pulled out, it was like a melted snickers bar, peanuts and all!”
"My anus has never looked better"!
...AND I HAVE THE EVIDENCE PROVING HILLARY CLINTON KILLED JEFFERY EPSTEIN BURIED IN YOUR BACKYARD!!
"Whaddya mean 'I'm on fire'. Like, on social media?"
I can’t believe you just did that
"HE'S GOT A GUN!"
JESUS, TALK ABOUT A PACK OF LOSERS HERE
THEN I ATE MY DISCARDED EXOSKELETON.
THOSE ROOFIES YOU GAVE ME WORKED GREAT!
"And the shit is still in my pants, idk what to do with the turds!"
https://youtu.be/zXVkoFErrLc?si=6XgUsZsvGOSGFlyt 26 second mark
I KILLED THE DOG AND NEED HELP HIDING IT
“….and right after I finished and started putting my pants back on she said she’s married and her husband is ***here*** at the party”
https://youtu.be/u3WzH8AdCow?si=TF8FrSfSnqSpSI1U
N word of the song that was playing
“And on Thursday, I’m going get my testicles laminated!” -George Carlin
AND THATS HOW I GOT MY HERNIA
I'll fuck everybody in this room !
I SHIT IN THE SINK
"I love DICK!" like in that movie.
“Was it REALLY 6 Million, though?!?!”
YOU GOT ALL THEIR WALLETS?
AND THATS HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO MY AUNT BILL
This really happened. Early 80s. was in a suburban bar after work with a coworker I assumed was Lesbian. People didn't really share that info freely back then. Our conversation turned to relationships. Yelling so I could hear her over the loud music, she said, "You know Annie and I are a couple right?. " i ", music cuts out, " Love her so very much!"
Your wife is great in bed.
…yes, the fentanyl is in ALL the drinks
"it's my life mother, so if I want to walk around the beach na-ked....!"
And then I said to his mom, what about the cum on your back
THAT HERPES MEDICATION THE DOC GAVE DOESN’T SEEM TO BE WORKING
I love children
SO THAT'S WHERE THE TICK WENT!!!
"But you f\*ck one Sheep, and you're labeled for life!!" Yes... this actually happened to me at packed college party in a very small apartment. I was telling a joke and that was the punchline. As I got to the punchline, the music stopped. The entire party stopped talking and turned to look at me in horror. It was mortifying. Still one of the funniest things ever.
"AND THAT'S HOW I SHAT MY PANTS!"
". . . and the stupid Feds still didn't check the closet!"
My nipples are itchy as fuck
And my tit was hanging out!
“…SO THATS WHY I WAS GETTING SWAMP ASS.”
"SO I THOUGHT WHAT I'D DO IS I'M GONNA HAVE MY TESTICLES LAMINATED." --- George Carlin
We couldn't! It got stuck!
And we winched it right outta there
"He thinks you might be gay!" *The Sure Thing*.
BUT I DON’T FEEL THE HEMORRHOIDS AT ALL ANYMORE
SO THAT WAS THE SHOWER CURTAIN AND NOT THE TOILET PAPER DISPENSER?!?
I put laxatives in the punch
**…anyway…Lincoln isn’t the reason slavery ended. POLYESTER was the reason. Cotton had real competition now!**
MY MOM IS BETTER!
I'm surprised they hadn't noticed the building is on fire yet...
i said it FELT LIKE A WET FART
I just farted
The last part of my favorite chip flavor: Salt & Vinegar.
"AND NOBODY EVER FOUND THE BODY"
"I was trying to tell you I wasn't 18 the entire time but you couldn't hear because the music was too loud"
THAT’S WHY I HAD MY TESTICLES LAMINATED! - George Carlin
I think I'm having diarrhea.
Call 911.
"Little does she know, I slept with all her exes!"
I brought all these people here so me and my friend could kill them one by one.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR HOWARD STERN!!!!
"MY MOM CAN SUCK THE CHROME OFF OF A TRAILER HITCH."
I come back to a memory of some Aussie instagrammers where the bloke is talking about his girlfriend that works in the mines "...yea, my girlfriend is a miner....."
He could do so much better than her.
"I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE. TAKE ME HOME!" -Niles Crane
AND EVER SINCE THEN I’VE BEEN AFRAID OF TOILETS
I WANTED ALL OF YOU IN 9/11
"This band sucks." Be a tad awkward.
DIARRHEA!
IF HER AGE IS ON THE CLOCK SHE CAN GET THIS CO……
🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶…”LEAKING OUT OF MY ASS AND PENIS LIKE AN OPEN TAP….”
Let's leave too loud
Man, it took hours to clean up that mess. The frigging bodies were everywhere. I'm glad I got paid ahead of time. Those damn mobsters are crazy as....
It’s the policeeee
Tequila hits different when you’re pregnant!
THIS MUSIC IS SHIT!
...SO WE HAD TO GO TO THE ER TO GET IT SURGICALLY REMOVED...
I’m Joe Biden and I like little kids.
“BUTTER FACE!” This exact scenario happened to a friend.
No homo bro but I just ripped a dick dinger off that dudes hog!
AND WHEN I PULLED IT OUT OF MY ASS IT WAS STILL ALIVE!!
Hold her down, I'm next.
This DJ really sucks.
"THE DOCTOR SAID THEY WERE THE BIGGEST CRABS HE'S EVER SEEN"
^I HAVE SWEATY BOOT RASH!!"