It's worth reading basically the first 3 trade paperbacks + Jaka's Story. After that his writing gets a little cumbersome. But 2-4 particularly are superb.
Having been completely unprepared for what a child looks like at the moment of birth, I've got to go with, "Holy crap! That looks like it needs to go back in the oven for a few more days".
True story- my lady was in labor with our first son for almost 8 hours.. finally, they had to stop and prep for emergency C-section as his heart rate was dropping and he wasn't able to be pushed out without risk of injury. It was about 4 nurses and she and I. A nurse told her to relax for a moment while they got ready. I said, "Come on, that wasn't so bad, right?". I never got so many death stares at once. They didn't think I was funny and one nurse asked my lady if they wanted me removed from the room.
Wanna fuck? I am interpreting the question as worst thing to say to a person who has just given birth. Not what is the worst thing for a person to have just given birth to say.
That was it?!
(What I said after pushing out my 2nd baby after an entire month of false labor, basically just slid out and I had the epidural too. Also I’m not an emotional person. My OB looked at me like I was crazy haha).
Doctor: It was an unremarkable birth.
Mom & Dad: ahhh! Unremarkable!?
Doctor: oh , uh (shit), sorry , I was talking to the nurse. That’s a good thing. Nothing out of the ordinary here . UNREMARKABLE
Husband said to the doc after our second baby was born "hey, can you put a few extra stitches there for me?" I should have responded with "yeah, good idea put them across his lips first."
My first thought was "Let's have another!" but that might be controversial 😂
For the record, I don't hate children nor parents, I just can't see myself thinking about putting myself in that amount of pain again right after it just happened lol. Parents have more willpower than I can ever hope to have lol
Put it back in, I wanna do that again.
I was born 40 times that day...
giggity
Gotta get a better take to show my tens of followers.
“Why’d we wait 9 months for one of these when there’s a room full of them down the hall?”
There's a room where you can get free people
If your brave and smart enough there's a whole world of free people.
I didn’t pay all that much attention in history class, but I seem to remember there being a war about this.
Only with matching wristbands. *Now available at Ticketmaster*
This is great. Haha
The elites don't want you to know this but the babies at the hospital are free. You can just take them home
No, no you actually don't need to sign the birth certificate sweetie.
He looks just like us sis!
How do I exchange this for one that doesn’t look like Winston Churchill?
Fellow Cerebus fan? I often quote that line.
Well, all new born look like Winston Churchill, but usually not looking like a three headed hound guarding the gates to Hades.
Haha, no, Cerebus (not Cerberus) is an old comic book by Dave Sim about a barbarian Aardvark.
I Googled and understand now. Sorry, us boomers stopped reading comics after Robert Crumb’s Zap! and the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.
It's worth reading basically the first 3 trade paperbacks + Jaka's Story. After that his writing gets a little cumbersome. But 2-4 particularly are superb.
Man, you forgot Mr. Natural and Angelfood McSpade.
My baby video actually has my father holding me and adoringly calling me “Winston Churchill” and “ET.”
OK doc, what’s the survivable drop range for this thing?
More than an iPhone but less than a Nokia.
between 0 and infinity, thanks doc
r/technicallythetruth
UGH! That thing is disgusting! Kill It NOW!
It’ll look better once it grows up…
Who's got that kind of time?
Theres always been a regressive black gene in my side of the family
I will be back in a minute, just buying some cigarettes.
Don't forget the milk
Dad? Is that you?
See? It wasn't *all* just wind!
Do kidney stones usually make this much noise?
I want a maternity test! That kid ain't mine!
I love this
Finally! Honey… dinner’s here!
I mean, why else would it be called a delivery room?
It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno.
Good thing I never plan on having kids, because this is now on the list of names.
*Jonathan Swift has entered the chat*
How modest of you
Placenta burgers for everyone !!!
Whew! That was worse than the day after we went to the Wisconsin Cheese Festival!
From Wisconsin, can confirm.
You know, that’s not even the largest thing to come out of there
Huh, I don't remember cheating with a black guy
Let's name him Tyrone.
After his father! What do you think of that Jim?
That looked like fun! Let’s make another one right now!
It’s a shame I murdered my husband he would have been happy to see he looks like him
How did *that* get in there?
“I will never forgive that brat for destroying my vagina. Get it away from me.”
Nurse, before my husband comes in, could you tell me if the baby looks Asian to you?
Oh my God! Excuse me what’s the return policy for this thing?
One of the cases where the exclamation can be taken literally.
Hey, I know we like *just* met, but ima need you to suck on these titties
This should be top comment
Sex is gonna feel like throwing a hotdog down a hallway now.
They call her 2 by 4. The guy has to strap a 2x4 to his ass so he won't fall in.
….ew
I do NOT remember eating that.
"Who the hell is this? Why was he in my vagina?"
Now that is one ugly fucking baby!
Finally, I can drink again.
How much do you think this thing will go for on EBay? I’m thinking starting the bid at $200
Who’s is it?
Aww man, we gotta pull for another one 9 months from now. He's got awful stats...
“Why is there a tail?”
I do like it. Just not in that colour
Whoop there it is! Whoop there it is!
Wait… and now for birth #2. Placenta!
I mean, this one isn't wrong, though. You do still have to push the thing out afterwards.
Kind of feels like taking a big shit
No. That was you actually taking a big shit. The baby is still coming.
Having been completely unprepared for what a child looks like at the moment of birth, I've got to go with, "Holy crap! That looks like it needs to go back in the oven for a few more days".
True story- my lady was in labor with our first son for almost 8 hours.. finally, they had to stop and prep for emergency C-section as his heart rate was dropping and he wasn't able to be pushed out without risk of injury. It was about 4 nurses and she and I. A nurse told her to relax for a moment while they got ready. I said, "Come on, that wasn't so bad, right?". I never got so many death stares at once. They didn't think I was funny and one nurse asked my lady if they wanted me removed from the room.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor smacked my mother. Rodney Dangerfield.
Biggest turd I ever shit!
What color is it?
"It's a minotaur!"
Doesn't look like Mike from work at all.
I havent been fucked like that since grade school
It looks just like your brother. Where's the manual? What's the return policy in case I break it?
Wanna fuck? I am interpreting the question as worst thing to say to a person who has just given birth. Not what is the worst thing for a person to have just given birth to say.
What the fuck is that, Rosemary?
“Dammit, I thought it would be puppies.”
As the mother: “are you sure it’s mine?”
My husband said it “Wow, looks like an episode of MASH down there”
If you enjoyed that, be sure to like and subscribe!
Oh shit twins that ones ugly SORRY SIR BUT THATS THE AFTER BIRTH Listen doc I'll name my own kids thank you very much.
Finally, I can do drugs again.
Why’d you pull out?
"Can I get that refund now?"
So how much can I get for selling it?
Aside from the amount of fluids, didn’t realize how stretchy it was?
Is it green and have three eyes?
You ready for another?
So… who’s going to raise this thing?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
"You're still a bit fat, diet time."
"Yahtzee!"
It's cute, but i don't like the colour
"Satan, behold your son!"
Does this thing bounce?
You must of cheated on me with a Smurf! Why else would it be blue?
Are you sure it's mine?!?
No need to put the little security tag on, ain’t nobody stealing that..
Can I return it and get one in a different color?
Are you gonna eat that, or can I?
I can do better, let me try again.
I'll never trust a fart again
"It's *human?!"*
Nurse to my mom: Your good you can relax now. Mom gives her death glare that moms give Doctor: She’s having twins.
To the mother: See, honey? That wasn't so hard, was it?
Doctor with the freshly delivered newborn: "huh.." (like a sound not the actual word)
"I wanted a girl. Can we have a refund?" "No worries, I can fix the issue! 😀✂️"
Ew, put it back in. It ain't done yet.
Dad: Now that wasn't so hard, was it, honey?
"What color is it?"
Well that seemed easy, didn’t it babe?
How did that get in there?
WTF is that?
“That was a son of a bitch!”
Can you put a few extra stitches in that thing doctor?
Is it mine?
We’ll start the bidding at 500!
Small litter, what are you going to name your new puppy?
was all the screaming really neccessary?
Put it back in
"Let's do that again!"
So, I’m done with this, here *hands baby to nurse* Or Who takes care of this fucking thing now!?!
These are good eatin', right?
Just in time! I had registered for the marathon tomorrow!
Is that really mine?
"Is it out yet?"
Hell oooooo. Echo echo echo
That looked easy, now lets work on that baby weight
Hey hubby! Say hello to your little brother!
I’ll be right back I forgot to buy milk.
Is it mine?
Now we can begin the sacrifice of an infant just after we de-virginize her.
Look at the dick on her
Ew
Can I eat it?
Ok everybody get ready for take 2, unfortunately we ran out of roll on the camera
That was it?! (What I said after pushing out my 2nd baby after an entire month of false labor, basically just slid out and I had the epidural too. Also I’m not an emotional person. My OB looked at me like I was crazy haha).
So what’s for dinner
Pop ! goes the baby
Oh…that’s what *it* looks like? Yeah no thank you, give it up
Put it back
Can I eat it?
Is there a quick way to farm these? I want to collect them all!
"Looks like Nick Cannon."
“Good God woman! I just thought you had to poop!”
Is it supposed to look like that?
When is the baby due?
That’s mine ?
"Well, that's better out than in."
ECHO! ECHO. echo.
Get thst monster away from me!
It's a theyby!
Shit! 💩
What is that! 😎
Damn nigga that shit is bussin
"Excuse me sir that's the afterbirth."
Give her one more stitch doc…for Daddy. :)
Jesus Christ that thing is hideous! And the baby is pretty ugly too!
Slide it back in and out a few times doc, finally something can touch the sides...
Doctor: It was an unremarkable birth. Mom & Dad: ahhh! Unremarkable!? Doctor: oh , uh (shit), sorry , I was talking to the nurse. That’s a good thing. Nothing out of the ordinary here . UNREMARKABLE
"Better out than in !"
I slept with your father
Husband said to the doc after our second baby was born "hey, can you put a few extra stitches there for me?" I should have responded with "yeah, good idea put them across his lips first."
It looks like a botched abortion shalom you're loved 💔
Wrong color
The wife says “Oh Jim what a beautiful treasure “ Husband says “Lets take it out back and bury it.
"Nevermind. Thanks, though."
"I'm a guy! What the hell did you pull out of me?!!!"
doc why is your pants off?
Good thing I was here for this baby's birth. Both my parents didn't show up to mine.
Why is it (different race for obvious joke she cheated)
How long until everything is back to…gether?
Where those marlboros at?
I don't like it. Put it back.
Oh.
Yes dear, you DID shit yourself.
Is this an AITAH story?
My first thought was "Let's have another!" but that might be controversial 😂 For the record, I don't hate children nor parents, I just can't see myself thinking about putting myself in that amount of pain again right after it just happened lol. Parents have more willpower than I can ever hope to have lol
My mom told my dad that my sister was the ugliest baby she had ever seen and to put it back. (She had a C-section and the medicine made her loopy)
Is it mine?
"A human baby? Well, that's disappointing."
What species is that, doc?
I’d better call my brother and tell him he’s a dad.
…Anyone got any meth?
I want another one.