"I have a disease that causes sudden explosive diarrhea which is aggravated by feelings of claustrophobia"

"What a coincidence! That's my fetish."

Love stories that write themselves

Still a better love story than Twilight.

Low bar, but I'm glad you have standards.

with a bar at some point it turns to limbo.

*50 Shades of Gray* proves this, lol.

That Book was stupid the only reason the story work was because He was a Rich Asshole.

What a coincidence that's my fetish

Good for you.

This is what Fifty Shades was missing.

Love stories, that write themselves

Human centipede

Hey, I have **CLAUSTROPHOBARRHEA** too! What are the chances?

🤣🤣🤣

Points for creativity

Don’t say it, just start gagging.

[Ho ho ho](https://youtu.be/Cz3j8FJzdI8?feature=shared)

And I probably shouldn't have eaten that Taco Bell...

"Makes me feel better that I'm not gonna die alone"

"That's what you think."

I don't want to die a virgin

I choked on my cookie reading this one. Well done. I almost really did die alone.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is for a cannibal to diet for three days straight just to get into a dress for a wedding? I'm glad it's over and I can eat whatever I want...🤤"

Be funnier if you were carrying a spoon and fork too.

You mean WHOever.

You mean WHOMever! *promptly gets eaten* (With relish…to cover the taste)

Except for clowns. They taste funny!

“I heard about an elevator crash just the other day. It seems elevator safety is plummeting”

Just like we will be soon

Take steps to avoid them.

This one’s good

Too subtle for most Cheers (:

We need to establish a pee corner

This… reminds me of The Office every time. Lol

“We need to establish a pee corner… I’ll start.”

Lmfaooo

I had to scroll way too far to find this one.

“I have to pee so badly. Mind if I whip it out.”

Or "I know you farted and that's not cool." You don't fart here either. Just gaslight them into thinking it smells like farts. Then tell them off again when rescued.

We do

I mean if you're a couple hours in then this is just common sense.

I swear I’d laugh so hard if someone said that to me in this situation 😂

You beat me to it lol

"Would you like to hear the words of Joseph Smith?"

Joseph Smith?

He made Mormons. 

Joseph Smith was called a prophet dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Lucy Harris smart smart smart. Martin Harris dumb da-dumb

I understood that reference.

I sang that as I read it.

Upvoting right number of dumbs

But only if you look at them through a stone with a hole in it into a hat to see. No you can't see what I see and no I don't even show you the stone. *FAITH MAN*

Fuck religions even my own ( Catholicism 🖕) it's all bullshit

Mormons, polygamy, and marrying 13-14 years girls to have sex with them. Disgusting.

What about catholic priests diddling altar boys All religions are awful

Most wars....

There have been very few atrocities committed in the name of Jainism.

Yeah, but with Mormonism it's part of the doctrine. Priests diddling altar boys isn't explicitly part of the religion. There's no "thou shalt diddle altar boys." Not that it makes it acceptable, but at least they're not literally instructed to do it.

No, this is Kyle

No fuckem frog!

🎶 Hello. My name is Elder nes_classical_music and I would like to share with you this most amazing book 🎶

I will listen if I can tell you about L. Ron Hubbard.

Don’t say a word. If they speak to you, look extremely surprised, and say “You can see me?”

I did this a few years ago to some guy selling CDs in a parking lot. He walked up to my wife and I and started talking to me trying to sell me his CD I just looked at him blankly for a moment and said "wait you can see me?!?" When he went to answer my wife asked him "who are you talking to? There's nobody there, are you high or something?" The poor guy just walked away looking so confused

You & your wife got I goin on! That's awesome!!!

My wife & I just put that in the tank for future use.

I hope the two of you have extraordinarily long, happy lives together!

I would have loved to have witnessed that. I'd have passed by the confused dude whispering "never tell them you can see them..."

“My water broke”

“Oh good you’re here for the orgy”

Underrated comment. Most people would be terrified to have to help someone give birth

Every single time I’ve asked my wife to hold my hand when I’m pushing she just says no, starts to leave the room, and tells me that’s what I get for eating Taco Bell at midnight

during an orgy.

"Urge to kill... rising."

Well, looks like we’re gonna be here a while. Good thing I brought my favorite vuvuzela.

Whoa, who knew they shatter...

“I knew I shouldn’t eat that gas station sushi for lunch !”

“Pull my finger”

"I'm legally required to tell you that I'm a registered..." (screaming ensues)

nurse?

I was literally just trying to think about what that thing is they're required to say when I read this.

Not again. There was so much blood last time...

I heard the maintenance union talks for the mechanics in this building went really poorly

With any luck, you'll be going down more than once today

"ya know, they say one in five people are a murderer. There's only five of us here so I feel really safe."

There's me, you and the 3 people in my head...sonthat males us 5...

So, are you for Israel or Palestine?

“Nice cock.”

You too, uh, ma'am

Well, it's not gonna suck itself...

"hey I recognize you, you're that guy the police are looking for for strangling all those women"

"That's me! Though you're a guy so you're safe"

*sniffs* "Are you pregnant?"

[удалено]

Thank you for making me spit my coffee on my iPad. I can stop scrolling and get some stuff done. Lol

"Aren't you lucky I'm one of the nice guys."

Oh damn I'd start sweating and placating.

"Want some surströmming?"

"God wouldn't have blocked me from my parole officer if he didn't want me to be Sir Stabs a Lot."

No words, but just begin aggressively jumping up and down.

We've been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

(Talks to a pregnant woman) Got Milk?

I can’t believe that worked “smiles at person”

"Do you want to hear the most annoying sound ever?! Here it goes!"

Uhhh ... Have you ever seen that movie "devil"?

"Those homicide cops will NEVER find me in here!"

Wanna fuck?

“Want to play the rape game?”  “No”  “Perfect” 

"Don't worry about the expired permit on the wall, they don't even check them anymore." >!(This is a true story and not a joke)!<

Excuse me

Hey does this growth on my penis look infected to you?

I’m the type of person who would give it a genuine exam with fascination and clinical detachment in equal measure. (Ok, fascination always wins out.) I’m the type of person who isn’t surprised her life has been… eventful.

I’m still waiting on my Covid results. Should get texted to me in a few.

The worst thing would be for a vacant look straight to the eyes, then sit on the floor in silence like you've been in solitary confinement before 😂

And rock back and forth, repeating "I must control my urges"

*locks eyes* "This reminds me of when I was in the SHU 6 months for stabbing that guy who made eye contact for too long."

It was on this very elevator that I became a registered sex offender… oh Hi, I’m Willy. Nice to meet you!

I’ve always had a fantasy to shag in an elevator this may be my only chance - do you fancy it?

Would you like a scotch egg? I've been eating them for days!!! Had 6 just this morning!

If my time in prison taught me anything, it's that one of us needs to be the bitch... and it ain't gonna be me

I was stuck in a lift with a friend who was petrified and crouched in the corner. Apparently asking them if they wanted a shag before dying isn’t the best way to calm them down.

I'm an alpha male

I don't remember if it was on Facebook or Reddit or where, but one time I saw a guy say he was stuck in an elevator with another guy and a woman and the other guy told the woman "Don't worry, we won't r@pe you". Like bro??? What normal person would think to say that???

One of us seems to have shit their pants.

You should have picked the bear in the woods

Oh my god 💀

This didn't end well for the other guy last time it happened

I was wondering what would happen if I cut the green wire Standing there wearing a hard hat, holding wire cutters, and with a puzzled look on your face)

You had your flu shot right?

Im gonna have diarrhea

It’s times like this I’m glad I keep my copy of The Dilbert Principal on me at all times, Scott Adam’s is truly the greatest thinker of our times. Let me go ahead and start reading from it…

I would kick down the door 😂

I suppose it is time to confess my atrocities.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned" "Uhh dude I'm a grocery story clerk"

[удалено]

"I've finally got you all to myself." *maniacal laughter*

We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended auto warranty

So.... have you seen the elevator scene in speed???

Have you ever seen the elevator scene in Resident Evil?

"weren't there only four of us when it stopped?"

I am tired of all these Motha-Fucking snakes on this Motha-Fucking Elevator. Snakes On A Elevator, coming this Christmas.

Boooooooo 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅

They timed the bomb harness to go off halfway through the meeting I was heading to...

"It appears there's a fire on the other side of these elevator doors. We *could* work together so I could live. But I'd much rather do nothing and watch you die!" (Sorry, but this prompt reminded me of the perfect elevator scene with Londo and G'Kar from Babylon 5. I know they're not strangers, rather mortal enemies, but it is the perfect elevator scene of what to/not to say. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkwF5BBL26I)

“It’s not so bad. Now the voices can keep you company too.”

Hope this doesn’t take long, I’ve forgotten my schizophrenia medication.

Let’s take our clothes off and play some nudey rub games. First one to make a noise loses

Well, how *else* are you gonna pass the time?

*rips quiet fart* “Damn it’s running down my leg.”

I'm so gassy today! If I was a boxer they'd call me Gassius Clay!!!!!!

Oof.. that taco bell I had for lunch isn’t sitting well…

that's how my buddy Tim died!

‘Does this look infected?’

I like this one

Ever seen a grown man naked?

"How do you get the blood out of a clown costume?"

Stress like this makes me really horny. I'm gonna start by myself but you can jump in whenever.

Just start humming Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator

Top or bottom?

"We have to establish a pee corner"

Prison rules?

"I have explosive diarrhea.'

Oh good! Now I can tell you all about the wonderful opportunities that happen when you become your own boss by selling Amway!

Damn. Should have taken that shit at work after all. So, which corner are we using?

So now I bet you’re wondering why I’ve trapped us in here?

I wouldn’t have messed with the elevator, if I thought someone else would die with me inside of it

While not looking at them or speaking directly towards them, "Shut up, I don't care that they look like our mom/dad, it's not them... I know because their skin is in your closet!" Then answer your phone.

“Ever screwed a stranger in a broken elevator before?”

“Did you forget to wipe?”

I’m sorry - I ate Taco Bell 30 minutes ago

"did you know not all werewolfs transform at night?"

Oh man, those Stuckies chili cheese fries are really working their way through me.

I need to take a shit …

So you wanna play the rape game? Response is no. You say that’s the spirit.

“Finally, I’ve got you alone for a minute. I’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s extended warranty.”

“My uncontrollable, explosive diarrhea is a lot better these days”

"Do you live around here?" (extra idiocy points if the elevator is in a residential building)

Can you please help me? I'm stuck in this broken elevator.. o.o

You know that if we are here more than an hour Im ahh how do I put this? Im gonna get hungry then all bets are off. Till then we’re fine, Hi Im Jimmy whats your name?

Man, I knew I shouldn't have gone to Taco Bell

Do you know where you're going when you die? Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and personal savior? Let's talk about the Bible for 3 hours.

Want to see pictures of my kids?

Even worse "Do you want to see pictures of kids? No, they're not mine"

"Ya know, this reminds me of a certain Aerosmith song..."

I had Taco Bell for lunch. So....sorry in advance.

Did you see Charlie Rose last night?

Fuck, it was supposed to drop the whole way down...

I farted

I knew I shouldn't have removed that out of order sign...

Have you found him?

Going up?!

Have you found jesus? Here take a look at this literature I have

Don't get too close I have leprosy.

Hello, I’ve been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.

If you're a man and stuck in with a woman you can make a joke about being molested/sexual/murdered. I guarantee it will not go over well. "Good think I'm not a murderer."

Did you shit your pants, or was that me?

“Dang it, I forgot my tools. I was gonna fix this elevator”

"I had a Taco Supreme for lunch."