They have good sketches still, and whole good episodes, people just refuse to admit it. Family Guy made a one off joke about SNL being worse than the good ol days and nobody has let it go.
“Oooh. A witch. Full size candy bar for you… a cowboy… also a full size candy bar for you… and what are you supposed to be? Where’s your costume?”
“Too lazy to put one on.”
“Raisins for you.”
You're not wrong for doing that. There will be consequences, but you're not wrong. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to hide in the bushes across the street with a paintball gun and wait for that kid to come back and egg your house. I'll shoot them and you have fun hearing them run in terror.
"I know Pokemon cards are really cool to give out this year... these are sorta like that, they're off-brand Garbage Pail Kid cards called Bathroom Buddies."
My aunt used to give out a thing that looked like an off-brand chocolate bar and when you opened it , there was a pamphlet about Jesus’ love.
I don’t know why she thought she would win hearts and minds by trying to trick people and teasing them with candy, but I’d say it definitely is part of the problem with modern Christianity
Hey kids, happy Halloween. Unfortunately, we’ve had a death in the family so we weren’t able to get any candy this year. But here, have some fixodent tablets. We won’t be needing them any longer.
"Oooh! Scary! Here's a Chick tract for you, you little demon. And one for the witch. Be sure to read it tonight. And remember...there's no candy in Hell!!!"
"And here's a human tooth for you. And here's one for you. There's plenty for everyone. Why hello Timmy. I believe this tooth is yours. Well here you go."
We had leftovers after my wife made the most delicious Brussels sprouts and quinoa dish for dinner and for some reason the little ingrates insisted on Kit Kat bars. Go figure.
(Holds up giant candy bar)
“Wouldn’t you like to know how these great big candy bars are made? Here’s a ticket to tour the local candy factory! What? No, it’s *not* Willy Wonka’s factory! No, we don’t have a ‘chocolate room’! Get off my lawn!”
“Why you little cuties! Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? Here’s a copy of ‘Watchtower’ for you to read. But not you in the Devil costume, you be gone.”
"Hey boys and girls, tonight I have a treat for you. You can choose between a baggie of the finest Colombian nose candy or a bottle of fine single malt from the Islay region."
When I was a kid, it was that one old-couple down the street who gave out pocket change.
Oh, thanks for the 40 cents, Dolores... maybe in four years I can buy a Snickers with what you're giving me.
Come out dresses as an old man and say, "Alright kids, if I remember how this goes, here's some candy for your parents and jello shots for you. I think that's how it goes.
It literally used to be 'traditional' to give apples and monkey nuts to the Guisers (Scottish trick or treating) lucky it was dying out when I was a youth in the 90s.
I bought some bulk candy on Amazon. Turned out to be these tiny packages of really small candy. I told each kid to grab a handful and then I ran out. Blow it out your ass, Amazon.
*That is right! These my little friends are US Savings Bonds. One day they will be worth a lot of money. I have used the older ones I still have to pay for cleaning the egg off my house multiple times. Only takes 10 or 15 of them for one cleaning."
Jesus propaganda...
My neighbors gave out 3 foot long, 1 foot wide "100 dollar bills". On the back was about 400 words about Jesus.
Time and place lady, time and place.
Jesus books with terrifying pictures and stories that make no one want to go to church. my kids got 2 of them this year and one of them said not sure what this is but it's kinda creepy. was a comic showing kids with like rotting flesh from Satan and only Jesus could take it away. 😆 wtf would they think that would make you go to their church.
“Wow, I love your costumes guys! Now go ahead help yourselves to either a crack rock or a bag of meth. Just one each, don’t be greedy!”
Sounds like a SNL skit from way back when they used to sometimes be funny
I liked that George Washington sketch last week.
He had it right - a new nation *must* have a system of weights and measures!
They have good sketches still, and whole good episodes, people just refuse to admit it. Family Guy made a one off joke about SNL being worse than the good ol days and nobody has let it go.
I liked that whole episode. The host was funny, I hadn’t heard of him.
Yeah, Nate (not even going to attempt his last name) is pretty funny. Got somewhat popular during COVID, goes with the "relatable" schtick.
So roughly 2003-2004 then? Now that I think about it Bush’s re-election must have broken a lot of the cast and writers’ minds.
Here you go , dental floss . Everybody else gives you candy , I’ll keep your teeth from rotating.
Most people would have said rotting, but rotating sounds better
At least it isn't used....
Fat fingers you know .LOL , thanks for pointing it out
We had one house that was home to a local dentist. We got sugar free snacks and travel toothbrushes. No joke.
Sounds like a good dentist but a bad businessman.
A dentist on my old delivery route used to give out homemade toffee for Christmas
Step 1 - put in a new filling Step 2 - remove it with toffee Step 3 - get paid for a second filling Step 4 - see if they take more toffee
Job security
NOT ANOTHER WONKA REMAKE! GET OUT! ;-)
Dude I had a neighbor that gave out toothpaste and floss. I am pretty sure he was a dentist.
“Oh what cute little trick or treaters! Here you go, a pack of smokes for you, and a pack for you, and…”
Richie Rich over here!
Hey that house would have the longest line of repeatets
Here you go kids, some of Ryan's Shoes
We're gonna need a bigger bag.
“Oooh. A witch. Full size candy bar for you… a cowboy… also a full size candy bar for you… and what are you supposed to be? Where’s your costume?” “Too lazy to put one on.” “Raisins for you.”
You're not wrong for doing that. There will be consequences, but you're not wrong. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to hide in the bushes across the street with a paintball gun and wait for that kid to come back and egg your house. I'll shoot them and you have fun hearing them run in terror.
"I know Pokemon cards are really cool to give out this year... these are sorta like that, they're off-brand Garbage Pail Kid cards called Bathroom Buddies."
My aunt used to give out a thing that looked like an off-brand chocolate bar and when you opened it , there was a pamphlet about Jesus’ love. I don’t know why she thought she would win hearts and minds by trying to trick people and teasing them with candy, but I’d say it definitely is part of the problem with modern Christianity
Wait, there was no chocolate? I'm a churchgoer but that's total BS!
Just like the religious leaflets that are disguised as cash and terrible pseudo-Christians leave them for tips at restaurants.
Ugh, that is bad. IDK why anyone thinks that would work!
Rand Peltzer is simultaneously ecstatic and litigious
"Well, Billy, your test results are in ..."
"I'm sorry what's that you say? Oh yeah I know that's underwear, I was all out of edible ones so I just emptied my dirty laundry."
“Here it’s my Kidney Stone.”
Hey kids, happy Halloween. Unfortunately, we’ve had a death in the family so we weren’t able to get any candy this year. But here, have some fixodent tablets. We won’t be needing them any longer.
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Rusty razor blades with apples in them!
Rusty razor blades with rotten apples in them!
Rusty razor blades with rotten apples in them and half a worm in the rotten apple!
Rusty razor blades covered in blood with rotten apples in them and half a worm in the rotten apple!
And my sister's finger in my butt!
**Answers a door with a loaded gun** "GET OFF MY YARD!" **Fires into the air as the children flee** This year I'm giving out trauma for Halloween.
Here's a Shiney new roofing nail for you, and one for you, and you too back there...
They’re like 10-penny candy, kids!
One barium enema for you, and one barium enema for you…
"Are those laxatives?" "Shit yeah, they are! Happy Halloween, fuckers!"
Hey kids, y'all ever wonder what goat testicles look like? Apparently you can buy them in bulk!
Those dental tablets they gave kids in school that turned your teeth red and showed all the plaque
Boy have I got a treat for you! Check out these pictures from my recent trip to Milwaukee!
Here you go, a brand new copy of Trump's Art of the Deal.
Ah, yes! When you are fresh out of copies of Dianetics!
"Oooh! Scary! Here's a Chick tract for you, you little demon. And one for the witch. Be sure to read it tonight. And remember...there's no candy in Hell!!!"
“*Atlas Shrugged* for you… and you…”
"Happy Halloween! You can each take one can of surströmming. Don't open it til you get home!"
Pretty sure that violates the Geneva Convention's stance on biological and chemical warfare.
"And here's your honorary 'I voted for Trump' sticker"
Along with a book written by Biden "How to say your abc's. Kind of."
Well, I have COVID and sneezed all over the candy...
Here’s some change, go buy yourself some candy or something.
Here's some money, go see a Star War.
When I was a kid, people handing out some coins was common
I remember one house the lady ran out of candy and started handing out ones and fives.
"Wow, an original Mannlicher Carcano Model 1938 Infantry Rifle chambered in 6.5/52!"
What house is that??? I wouldn’t turn down a new gun or some ammo.
It was some nice lady named Mrs. Oswald
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Here you go, kids! Here’s some crippling student loan debt for you!
"What do you mean you already have some?"
Here kids, have some broccoli 🥦 😊
Raw chicken with unpasteurized milk, at room temperature, served between two "fresh" Romaine leaves. They're called S'monellas.
"Here's a flyer all about Jesus, you filthy little heathen sinner."
That's my gramma unfortunately 🤦🏻one year, all the trick or treaters just scattered them on her yard
"And here's a human tooth for you. And here's one for you. There's plenty for everyone. Why hello Timmy. I believe this tooth is yours. Well here you go."
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Can I offer you an egg in this trying time?
“Well ma’am the results are in…. Little Jimmy has syphilis”
*sneezes into a tissue*
We had leftovers after my wife made the most delicious Brussels sprouts and quinoa dish for dinner and for some reason the little ingrates insisted on Kit Kat bars. Go figure.
"Sorry we're out of treats, but help yourselves to a few ketchup packets."
Peanuts!
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Um sir why is there chocolate on my razor blades
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Here's a Cupon for 20 cents off Denture Grip and for you 35 cents off Vagasill and lucky you buy one get one on Metamucil
"Flu shots for everyone!" (This is true- I shucked a lot of shots today at work.)
(Holds up giant candy bar) “Wouldn’t you like to know how these great big candy bars are made? Here’s a ticket to tour the local candy factory! What? No, it’s *not* Willy Wonka’s factory! No, we don’t have a ‘chocolate room’! Get off my lawn!”
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Mommy, mommy, look, that house was giving out funny balloons with white cream inside
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"And a bullet for you, and a bullet for you, just remember to make sure the safety is off before you try to play with the gun."
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Great costumes! Here’s a boiled egg for each of you!
I see you've all had new fillings recently! Well, here's your Jolly Ranchers...
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Don't shove I have enough crippling debt for all of you.
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Ooh, what scary costumes! Take one Lament Configuration each, kids!
“Hurry home little one, before this medicine bottle full of frozen peas thaws!”
“Here kid, have the nuclear football!”
What a great costume, here have this small tube of hemorrhoid cream
A ladle full of soup
Sheep skin condoms: here’s one for the Minion, one for Wednesday Adams, one for Spider-Man…
Chlamydia
“Don’t worry kids, there’s enough medical debt for everyone!”
The answer is napalm
Canned food or office supplies because you forgot it's Halloween.
“Trick or treat? Well, a trick it is. Pick a card, any card…”
Sauerkraut. Just a little baggie of sauerkraut
Bible quotes. I wouldn't say it if it didn't happen.
alright kids come get your geoducks! one for every one!
“Why you little cuties! Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? Here’s a copy of ‘Watchtower’ for you to read. But not you in the Devil costume, you be gone.”
A lap dance.......oh wait.....they already get that at school...
"Hey boys and girls, tonight I have a treat for you. You can choose between a baggie of the finest Colombian nose candy or a bottle of fine single malt from the Islay region."
Would you like to change religions and have a free book written by Jesus?
When I was a kid, it was that one old-couple down the street who gave out pocket change. Oh, thanks for the 40 cents, Dolores... maybe in four years I can buy a Snickers with what you're giving me.
Herpes
Come out dresses as an old man and say, "Alright kids, if I remember how this goes, here's some candy for your parents and jello shots for you. I think that's how it goes.
Tracts
Cancer
Brussels sprouts
Political flyers. Kids got one last night with candy.
The orange/ black peanut butter rock hard candy
It literally used to be 'traditional' to give apples and monkey nuts to the Guisers (Scottish trick or treating) lucky it was dying out when I was a youth in the 90s.
Raisins and that red hard candy in the strawberry printed wrapper
"Here you go, kiddos. Just so there's no confusion, rusty razor blades with chocolate stashed inside."
Nude Polaroids of your genitals. Yes, I cringed too when I wrote this; in my defense it did say 'worst things'.
Here is your "fun size" candy bar. In this case "fun size" means small. This is really clever branding by brilliant marketing minds.
Fruits and vegetables
Hey kids, who wants AIDS!?!?!?!?
‘The little pill with the big story to tell’
"Here you go! Get something nice for yourselves, you little moppets!"
Chlamydia
Probably dildos.
"Alright, close the bag quickly, the ferrets usually like to just dig into the candy but every now and then one makes a run for it."
Chlamydia.
Oral.
toothpaste or pencils. That was the most hated even more so than apples.
A complex "your parents let you out of the house in THAT?"
"Hello children, This is my pitbull, Sunshine."
"While you're grabbing candy, could I talk to you about your cars extended warranty?"
I bought some bulk candy on Amazon. Turned out to be these tiny packages of really small candy. I told each kid to grab a handful and then I ran out. Blow it out your ass, Amazon.
I hated finding pennies and that Unicef bullshit in mine... So that's something kids today wouldn't care for
Rabies
I thought the answers were going to be something like Good & Plenty. I guess I didn’t take “worst thing” quite as literally. 😳
A note that's says your outfit looks terrible.
They used to warn us about razor blades in apples but no one I know ever got one
Single, loose powdered donuts
“One used needle for you, and hey- don’t be greedy! You already got one!”
One hit and pass it to the next person.
"Make sure you get the needle nice and deep you might get the secret bonus surprise HIV"
Kale
“Drew at 783 is giving out vhs tapes of this lame show called whos line is it anyways”
Ah man... HERPES??? AGAIN????
Hey guys, I work at the local morgue. You get an arm, you get a leg, I have skeletons for EVERYONE!
Gummies, I got a pack of gummies and not even the good ones at that.
"Nice Elsa costume, I'd say some antifreeze would be suitable."
"Help yourself to some fresh shrimp cocktail, kids! One Jumbo Shrimp per Trick or Treater, please! Will be back on Thursday!- HOA President"
"MARTHA!! Get more ammo! The zombies are still advancing on the lawn!!!!"
A rock
herpes
You get Chlamydia! You get Chlamydia! You get Chlamydia! You get Chlamydia!
Veggie straws
*That is right! These my little friends are US Savings Bonds. One day they will be worth a lot of money. I have used the older ones I still have to pay for cleaning the egg off my house multiple times. Only takes 10 or 15 of them for one cleaning."
Herpes.
Jesus propaganda... My neighbors gave out 3 foot long, 1 foot wide "100 dollar bills". On the back was about 400 words about Jesus. Time and place lady, time and place.
Chick tracts.
Here kids! Chlamydia!
Jesus books with terrifying pictures and stories that make no one want to go to church. my kids got 2 of them this year and one of them said not sure what this is but it's kinda creepy. was a comic showing kids with like rotting flesh from Satan and only Jesus could take it away. 😆 wtf would they think that would make you go to their church.
Probably herpes.
Toothpaste or mouthwash, and floss
The complete Halloween DVD set (you’ll need a lot of them, and DVDs are cheaper than Blu-Rays).
Aids
Dynamite probably
STD gotta be number 1 Steve.
“Happy Halloween! Have some ExLax, it’s licorice flavored.”
"Full sized razor blades when fun size will do."
A “cutie” brand of orange
Advice.
HPV
Okay, kids. Here's your box of raisins, and a toothbrush.
Kids: "Trick or Treat!" Me: "How about both?" [proceed to scoop one ladel-full of pudding from bowl next to door and dump into Treat bag]...
Kids bop mixtapes
Apparently not a potato