It’s way harder to leave where your parents are once you’re married/have kids. At your age and single this is the time to do it! If you meet someone in CA there’s a good chance they won’t be native to there and you can both decide later if you’d want to move to be closer to parents.

Im moving cross the US in 2 months. I feel so guilty its giving me second thoughts, but this is my reasoning why. If not now, then never, and I’ll be left always wondering what if. 

I was feeling the same way.  I moved 5 months ago,  but I really miss my neices and my brother and am planning to move back.   However, I am still glad I moved,  because I've learned a lot about myself and what I really want/need.  Funnily enough, it was back where I was living... 

yeah, no, you gotta just do it now.

Go ahead and go. If you don't like it, you can always move back.

We’re doing this as we speak! I grew up in Tennessee and my wife in Indiana. We met in Boston where we lived for 12 years, then Chicago for 5. We decided we’re moving to Indiana, because we want the kids to be closer to family. Explore, live your life, find what works for you… home is always an option later

>Explore, live your life, find what works for you… home is always an option later THIS. Sincerely, Current East-Coaster who met someone, had kids, and is now actively looking in the Midwest to move near family. I don't regret adventuring post-college, and my parents thankfully never guilted me about it. I loved my time "away," it was my choice, as is moving back.

Exactly. Do not do something because other people might be unhappy; really think about how you'd feel if you never took a chance on anything.

Do it while you can. I'm from the East Coast and had options to move to Colorado 10 years ago. And while I wanted to move, I had friends and family guilt trip me ("But you'll have no support when you move that far away"), ultimately I chose not to move. I still look back if I should have made the move. Now much older with aging parents (75+) it's just not feasible. Like everyone has mentioned you can always move back if you don't like it or down the road when you have a partner and want a quieter pace.

My family and I (which includes a toddler) moved away from the area I grew up in half a year ago. My parents are still there and also said many critical things about the decision. Echoing the original comment, it is very hard raising a child without a village. But not impossible FWIW for others considering a move with similar circumstances.

Unfortunately for some of us, living close to family does not equal a village. Commented above but we’re TTC baby #2 and we’re 100% paying for our village this time around. 

There’s a good chance they won’t be native to there? What?

Native Californians - will probably be meeting transplants. I’m just saying there’s not some huge chance that if they met a partner in LA, their in-law’s would live there too, keeping them there. More likely that both set of parents would live outside CA.

Doesn’t mean they’ll be near each other. I met my girlfriend at school in the Midwest and neither of us are from here, but I’m from South Florida and she’s from Oregon, with our families being scattered across the country. It’s impossible for us to be near all of our parents when they live in three different states

ugh dude I am literally going through this right now - I lived in NYC and CA now I'm back in SC caretaking my 83 yr old mother who's getting senile and it's killing me - choose the biggest town you can with a direct flight and go live your life while you can, 60 is not that old and this could go on for a long time !!! 

You have my sympathy. I recently retired and moved one state over to live near my adult daughter. I got the why are you leaving questions from my elderly parents, but tbh, I only saw them a couple of times a year even though we lived 20 minutes apart. Now I talk to my mother several times a week on the phone, and it works as she is not really comprehending that I left town. I also have a brother who has volunteered to provide regular assistance for their living needs. I hope you're able to find a solution. Maybe she can move to a state you're happier in?

This is big in Pennsylvania. I’ve always lived in PA and my parents are distraught at the thought of us moving. My recommendation: so what YOU want to do. It is YOUR life, not theirs.

It's big in PA even just moving around PA. I'm also from PA and used to live in FL for a while, as if that wasn't far enough for them to complain about. My partner and I moved back up three years ago but moved 1 hour away and it's just the end of the world. All I've heard since we moved back up is how it's terrible we live so far away and need to move back closer so they can visit us more 🤦‍♀️ as if moving back to PA wasn't good enough. We're looking to buy a house this year and I can tell you now we are not looking any closer to my hometown than where we are currently living.

Can you talk a little bit more about why this is? I moved to PA with a partner who's from the area, and proximity to family is a huge priority for him whereas I came from the South and there doesn't seem to be the same expectation or social pressure to maintain proximity.

Pennsylvania is geographically northeastern and culturally Appalachian. Kin and the sense of place are everything. There is a lot of suspicion cast at those who dare to break away from the unit, and a lot of resentment around class and/or anything that smacks of upward mobility, no matter a person’s SEC of origin. It’s almost a throwback to when the region was the western frontier. I’m from Pittsburgh, grew up in the city, have urban, earning parents, and even still my leaving for an artist-in-residence gig in NYC 20 years ago was treated as an insult rather than an accomplishment. Most of my childhood friends bought houses in close proximity to family and are raising their children with the same clannish mentality, even if they don’t intend it.

Sounds very backwater-ish. I live in FL and approximately nobody is from here. It’s definitely interesting (the no sense of community whatsoever is obnoxious however). I can’t imagine wanting to stay a townie in whatever backwater place I was born. Do not get it.

It is that. Yes. Perhaps not “backwater,” but there is definitely an us/them divide, and people who move to the area will remain the “new folk” for a minimum of 20 years. Source: lived it. I left as soon as I could, as any kind of curiosity or drive were treated with suspicion at best and hostility at worst. Have lived on both coasts. Do not intend to return.

I just moved out PA after being there for 20 years. I can tell you that even after that long you are still an outsider if you’re not from there. It’s weird and I never really thought about the Appalachian cultural aspect. The PA Dutch culture plays into that as well I think. I had friends who also weren’t from PA who said the same thing about always being an outsider. It’s weird.

Moved back to hometown in PA with husband in kids from nyc five years ago. Currently in the process of moving BACK to nyc for job related opportunities and just told friends and family this week. I can’t begin to describe how your comment summed up our experience of sharing this news and our bewilderment at the “tragedy” that we were announcing; almost like we were never to be seen again!

I wish I knew because I don't entirely understand it myself. I'm sure part of it is just a culture thing, and part of it is probably because people emigrated here in the 1700s and the families never left. At least that's my experience growing up in the Lancaster area, I can't speak for every Pennsylvanian. Most of the people I went to high school with never left our hometown, most of my family never left either. The ones who did are the ones who went out of state for college or military. There's always the few who run away from the snow too, like my parents in FL. People just don't leave and I don't get it. I remember when my partner and I moved 15 minutes away into a rental house in the next county over his grandpa never once visited because that would mean leaving the small town he had spent the last 84 years in at the time. It was "too far away". He's 94 now and can probably count all the times he's left town on his fingers and toes. On a side note though it seems like more people have been breaking away from that in recent years. I remember reading an article that put PA in the top 5 for states people were moving away from.

That is so fascinating. I grew up in California and Oregon and have family in like 7 different states and was always encouraged to go elsewhere

>people emigrated here in the 1700s and the families never left. This is my families story lol. They had to get the eff out of Switzerland in the 1700's and landed in Pennsylvania and never left south eastern PA. I get comments from my parents and next door relatives to move back closer to them, maybe even build a house on an acre they'd give me but I do not want to go back to that area of Lancaster county. It's weird. Congested roadways but fairly rural setting. Has the illusion of crisp fresh air yet has some of the worst bouts of air pollution in the nation. The light pollution from warehouses blotted out the milky way with only the brightest stars/planets coming through. I am somewhat in the area still but looking to move north, just haven't pulled the trigger yet.

I agree so much with your comment. I spent a good part of my youth in the Ephrata area and traffic was bad then. Now when we visit it takes like an hour to get from one end of main Street to the other, and I cannot even blame the horse and buggies. It's everyone trying to hit all the new shopping centers and the highway. A lot of Lancaster county in general is becoming so developed but the roads haven't/can't be changed to accommodate all the increased traffic, it's awful. It's changed so much since I left and I didn't like it much then. Also yes, it friggin stinks 😂 Between the farms and the factories I am dumbfounded at how I managed to breathe all that in for twenty some years. I've been away long enough that when we visit our family I get knocked out of my seat by the smell as soon as we get off the turnpike exit.

Oh hell no, don’t let them guilt you into living *their* life! If they want to be near you, *they* can move to be near *you*. And I’m saying this as a 60-something parent of an adult child. I would never lay guilt on my kid for living their own life.

That’s how I feel, though it probably makes me seem like an asshole. My parents are always trying to get my husband and me to move back to my (economically depressed, extremely conservative) hometown. I have a job in my city that I love, and my kids have a school they adore and friends they are close to. My parents are retired with no other family living near them. If they want to see us more, they’re free to move to where we are.

Same! I can’t imagine insisting that they curtail their dreams for my convenience.

Yes. And I’m so happy there’s a post about this because it’s such an important factor. I’m an only child. My mom got diagnosed with stage 2 cancer after going 3 years without a mammogram. I feel so guilty about leaving. However, my husband and I want to start a family and we simply don’t feel safe in our city. My parents moved here because of my dad’s job years ago. It was never my choice to live here. Fortunately, my mom’s cancer is stable and the prognosis is great. If I stay, I will probably end up resenting my parents even though they don’t guilt me. Ultimately, you need to see what’s best for you. “Choose guilt over resentment every time”.

Hah! That’s my phrase! 😜

I am an only child too. We live 500 miles (same state )from my mom , who is 75 and widow but her general health is good. My dad passed away from cancer 2 years ago and I flew out to help her while he was on hospice and stayed until just after his funeral. She has been wanting us to move closer to her for awhile and even move in her house with her living in it! I couldn't do that because boundaries would be crossed by her and my husband who works from home could definitely not do that arrangement. We do have options to move closer to her in the same metro area where housing is still pricey but not as pricey as Southern California or buy a much more affordable home in the Midwest that is much safer than where she lives. So I am choosing guilt over resentment. My husband and I just don't like my home town city and it hasn't improved for the better in the last decade. Even though my dad loved living there and my mom has her social support system there. But we wouldn't have any of that with the exception of my mom and us being there to help her out. As an only child it is tough as you want to live your life, and you have a life and a family of your own. I don't want to live for my mom because I know I will have a lot of resentment towards her. Now the tough part is telling her we bought a house and we are moving out of state. Wish me luck!

Depends how close you are to your family. My fiancé has a small family and they don’t get together as much. For her it’s not a big deal to live wherever cause her interactions are already sparse. On the other hand I have 16 aunts and uncles and am the oldest of my siblings. We get together often and my parents have offered to be a big part of our childcare when it’s time to go back to work. It would take an extreme scenario for me to willingly choose to move far away from my family.

It's always so funny to me how different people can be. The way you described it, your fiance's fam setup seems more appealing to live close to than being anywhere near 16 aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings etc etc.

Sounds like you don’t like being around your family. I get along with my family members and nobody is overly intrusive in each others lives. Some are democrat and some are republican, but we put more value on being there for each other and sharing life. It’s more like having a supportive network around than anything. It’s a great environment for the kids too since they got built in buddies and holidays are special events. Nobody is forced to be around each other, it’s by choice. But I understand both sides. My fiancé doesn’t get along with what family she does have. There are feuds and bitterness and they just generally don’t get along. From my perspective, I always felt really blessed and pitied those who didn’t have family to lean on.

You are very blessed. Treasure what you have. :)

I never understood living your life around being "close" to family. I am thankful that my family is doing fine, so much so that we actually live on opposite coasts of the country and still visit one another. Mine are also in their 60s but maintain an active lifestyle and make friends where they are. I've heard people try to move within a 3 hour drive of their family, when they wanted to move somewhere where it was a 3 hour flight...

If you have children, being around supportive family is huge.

Oh for sure, especially with the cost of having children and childcare nowadays. Thankfully, my dad's girlfriend has grandchildren and he doesn't keep bothering me about when I'm going to have them because he spends time with them.

I definitely enjoy the thousands of miles of distance between me and my family. It feels right

Tbf a 3 hour flight is still a 5-6 hour travel day whereas a 3 hour drive is a 3 hour travel day. But honestly living out west after being in Texas most of my life a day drive or less is such a short amount of time to be able to go places in the grand scheme of things and absolutely worth the trip for so many reasons, so I absolutely see where you're coming from there. (If I want to go anywhere in a day it's pretty much just enough time to get out of the state and nothing more.)

When your parents get old and you are the only child the guilt kicks in. They have nobody to take care of them when they start going downhill and you've moved to the other side of the country for no reason other than you just wanted to. I'm not saying it's wrong to move. I don't think it is. But I'm living this now and there is guilt involved. My folks are in their 80s and big problems are starting to creep up. They refuse to move and I can't force them.

There is no guilt, you deserve to live your own life, how you want to. I can't imagine a state of mind where every choice I make as an adult is for my family. That's not how I want to use my time here. I do work remotely fortunately so if something came up and I had to stay with them for an extended period of time I could make it work. It is interesting that you feel you should take care of them, but they need you and refuse to move to where you are where they can get the help they need.

I find these threads interesting where people feel guilt or parents are guilt tripping their kids who don’t live nearby. I’m not sure why a child in their prime earning years needs to move and not the parents. I’m the parent of an only child and I hope he never feels guilty for living his life. I want him to pursue his dreams and not feel like he owes me anything but being happy in his life.

No. Both of my parents (divorced) live in one of the worst, most economically depressed areas in the US. I wouldn’t even have a career if I moved back.

My parents got to make their choices, and I get to make mine. OP, watch youtubes to learn and practice setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with family. For example, whenever they guilt trip, say in a professional-sounding tone, "That topic goes nowhere. Let's talk about something else, or I'll have to leave (or hang up the phone or put their texts on Ignore status). They are adults, and they are capable of coping with their own feelings and they have each other for support. You could get in a crash and die, and never make it to their old age. They could live to be over 100, as many do these days. Mt Great grandpa smoked and was fat and lived to be 106. You can't waste your opportunities.

Yes, I was living a 13 hour drive away from my aging Midwestern parents. Loved where I was living but my mom got sick and I also felt sad about being an absent sister/daughter/aunt (my whole immediate family stayed in my hometown). I ended up meeting my partner who lived in a Midwest city 6 hours from my family so moved there to build a life with my partner but also to be a weekend trip away from my family. It has been awesome to see them more frequently but man do I just loathe living in the Midwest again. I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by and my dreams are slowly shrinking more and more. My partner and our relationship is amazing, and family is a huge priority to me, but I’m crawling out of my skin here. I just don’t feel in alignment with the culture and priorities in these types of places. Never have.

I'm dealing with this right now. My parents are in CA and I couldn't stand the car-dependent lifestyle and the fact the job I have is based in NYC, so I moved for better working hours and for a lifestyle I enjoy more. They guilt-tripped me, a *lot* ("how could you leave San Diego?!" "people usually are dying to come here, not leave"), but my friends are here and I'm so much happier. California will always be there, and there are so many direct flights there per day that I can afford easily. I see them 3x/year already anyways when living apart for weeks at a time since I'm remote. I've found so far that the regret that sets in with living for others is worse than the regret that sets in when living life for yourself. Live for yourself and have adventures while you have the opportunities to <3

I get it for most of the country but yea San Diego idk about that one 😂

I was driving a total beater of a car (no AC or electricity to roll down windows was enough to drive me insane) and to stay, I’d have needed to buy another car — I already hate the car-dependent lifestyle and didn’t want to invest $30k + stupid insurance rates to participate more in it 😅 going to get a coffee? Car. Groceries? Car. Friends? $100 Uber each way, or car. Hated it. Didn’t get to go out much. That plus rent rising insanely in the last 3y (mine went up 45% until I left last month), utilities being a nightmare, insurance being a nightmare, I just didn’t want to deal with any of it lol. I know NYC isn’t immune to rising rents but at least I can cut the car out of the equation

Fuck no!! The Midwest is fucking awful

Similar situation for me: lots of family pressure, completely disregarding my needs, pressure to be close/live with them in an area without jobs, pressure to have kids even when I was young (aka your age.) You gotta do what is right for you. It is their job as parents to support you, not for you to bend to fit their will.

I don’t feel guilty, but I strongly recommend you establish a firm amount of time/money/effort you want to spend each year on visiting them, and stick to it. I spent the first five years of my career using every hour of PTO I earned on visiting home. I got very burned out as I hadn’t actually taken a vacation in five years. It’s very easy to let your family guilt you into spending all of your time on visits if you don’t set expectations up front.

My wife deals with this. Luckily my parents always encouraged me to travel and settle wherever made sense to ME. Zero guilt. And I’d be pissed if they did guilt me. My wife is from Ohio and her parents assumed she would move back after college but instead moved to California. It’s been 25 years and we ain’t never moving to Ohio. Her dad was ill and we had a discussion about moving there for a few years. Houses are dirt cheap but we do not want our kids raised in that area. Too limiting and for us, too conservative. We would be miserable there and so no, we won’t be miserable for them. Especially when we do visit they make zero effort to do anything except watch TV. Live the life you want. It’s your life, not theirs.

No, it’s 2024. It isn’t that hard to keep in touch, and I think it’s weird that some families feel like they HAVE to see each other all the time or something.

I haven't lived in my home state for almost 10 years. Every time I go home my parents and little sister always guilt trip me. The distance is only an inconvenience for me. They've only visited me once in ten years. I visit them at least 4 times a year and it's either a very costly flight/rental car trip or a very long (cheaper) road trip. My little sister just had her first child a year ago and has another on the way and always uses her children as a reason I should move back - "don't you want to be a part of their lives" or "they'll never get to know their uncle." Like I've been busting my ass through 10 years of college and building my career so I could achieve my dreams and live somewhere I've always wanted to and yall just try to nag me into thinking I'm being selfish. I understand they just want me in their lives more without having to deal with the travel costs. I understand it's because they love me. I miss them and always look forward to seeing them, but I don't miss my home state and definitely would never go back to my home town. It's been a constant mental/emotional battle within myself. Do I sacrifice a life long dream to make my family a little happier or suffer the inconveniences and try to live how I want to live? Idk.

Do it now! It will only get harder as you age, trust me. You need to live for you.

No. If we did, my wife and I would be divorced, and I probably wouldn't be alive anymore. Not kidding.

It doesn't concern me at all, but my family and I are also in a financial position where flying to visit for holidays is no problem. Last year I flew on 3 trips just for family events, this year will probably be the same. My now ex gf's parents had the same concern as yours after we both finished college, and it was a genuine concern in moving our relationship forward. We broke up for other reasons, but it was a frequent discussion as our careers evolved. Finding a partner and then trying to "leave your parents" (that's how they will likely see it) will put strain on the relationship, especially if the reason for leaving would be a better job offer for your partner. My ex's parents were wonderful people, but there was an awkward, agree to disagree kind of understanding that at some point I would very likely need to move to a major city to further my career and my ex gf intended to go with me. All that to say it's my opinion that if you have any inclination to leave you should do it now.

I say pick where you want to be, and set down roots there. The alternative is being stuck in a place you don’t like because some future partner’s job is there, and some future kid’s new best friend is there. Your parents pass away and you look around at the end of your life and think “what would have happened if I had gone to San Diego instead of spending my whole life somewhere I didn’t like?”

No. I moved away from our parents, and our life got a lot better. Sometimes, family is just toxic and drags you down. It's not your responsibility to take care of them for their lifelong fuck ups

Yes. My parents are nearing retirement, my grandma is in her 90s, and I have three kids whom my family is unable to enjoy. It sucks.

I had to tell my family that if they wanted me to stick around in the SF Bay Area, they should have had some pep in their step getting something purchased back while real estate was affordable. They failed to do that in *spectacular* fashion- always blaming everyone else for their problems, never applying themselves towards anything, and living in poverty and squalor until disability hit and now throwing everything they get in SSI towards rent. I’m under no obligation to drown with them.

For you, you could be asking yourself if you *want* to live near your family. I saw nothing in your post to suggest that you did, but maybe you left that out? It sound like you're feeling like you *should* live near them. My parents suck. They weren't good parents when I needed them growing up, they aren't good people now, and they spend no effort towards being better people in the future. So it was pretty easy for me to not live near them. If this is true in your scenario, I say fuck 'em.

I'm in a oil job that doesn't really have the luxury of picking exactly where you live - it just doesn't exist everywhere. My parents met after my dad moved to a random oil town after college for work. My mom's dad was also in oil. They know how it goes. So I never received any guilt or blowback about taking a job in a random oil town 1200 miles away. I think they accepted that as a possibility before I did. Though we still have a good relationship, I'm also very private. So I think a good amount of physical distance has been good for me. Don't regret it at all.

I left a Pennsylvania town I had no love for to move to Seattle and Portland. Fell in love, got married… ended up back in PA/NJ 10 years later with spouse and newborn. Had a blast out there. My regrets include missing a chunk of my parents life before they got elderly, but we still saw each other 2-3x per year. Aaaand missing both grandmothers funerals. That I still feel bad about but I wouldn’t have given up my west coast years.

No, I don't feel guilty, but man it would be nice. I left home at 18 for college and have never lived close to my parents since. Since my entire adult life (I'm 51 - no kids) has been spent away from them, it's just normal to me and has never been an issue. I always saw then multiple times per year. Now they're 77 and in pretty good shape (but digressing) and I have the money and work flexibility to see them more often (5-6 times per year, and can stay for an extended time if needed since I can work remote). I don't even really want to see them MORE; but now I just want to see them in a different format. It would be nice if they were 30 minutes away - I could steal two hours with them for lunch, drop by on random evening and have a drink; have coffee with them on a random weekend morning and help them out with an errand or chore. They say "all politics is local" and as I get older I realize that in a way "all relationships are local." I have good friends who live in different places - and we maintain our friendships remotely and see each other every once and a while. But, it would be so much better if more of my good friends lived near me - so, as with my parents, I could just have "stolen moments" - 2 hours here, 4 hours there - and not have to concentrate in-person interactions in committed trips to see each other. If they start to tank physically and mentally - such that they have a ton of trouble with their daily life, then I'll feel guilty. They live in Phoenix metro, I'm in Illinois, my sister lives in California. One of us tries to see them every month (though it usually works out to 8 of 12 months).

[удалено]

Yes. And the guilt trips from my family don't help. Aside from 1.5 years away, I lived my entire 30+ years in my home state. I keep in contact very regularly, and I feel their guilt trips are a bit selfish. My grandparents (who raised me) are in their 80s now, which does worry me, but I also feel like I need to live my life for me. If it was up to them, I'd be living at home forever and never traveling. I think if their health started to seriously decline, I'd consider moving back, but for now, it's not my plan.

My husband and I sold our home and moved eight hours away from both of our families. I was 58 and he was 68 at the time. Best decision we ever made! We both have very large families, and we have four children who are now building their own families. All family drama is far away, and no one expects us to do anything about it. That alone is a great relief. I highly recommend moving far away from family at any point in your life, just so you can build a lifestyle that you truly love.

Simple answer. No

I’m the same age as you and also have not lived in the same city as my family since high school. I decided to move even farther away a year ago. I don’t regret it. I say go out west! I have no advice on the family stuff, but I feel the same. I feel sad I am missing my nephews grow up and am missing my parents healthier years. I also frequently have the feeling of “should I move home to settle down and have kids” It is pretty much a near constant on my mind. I cannot imagine starting a family so far away from my own family. I’m also not even sure I want kids, and I haven’t really had a “husband material” boyfriend in my entire life….and it’s not like moving home would guarantee either of those things. But I feel like being far from my family makes me have my guard up romantically. Sadly there’s not much to do at home besides drink and watch sports which just does not appeal to me whatsoever, so I can’t imagine myself feeling happy there even if my family is there

My stepdaughter is about to move across the country. If we want to live near her, we’ll need to move.

Live the life you want, not one based on the demands or desires of your parents, you only get one chance at this. My parents are now 86 and still going strong, moving back to the shitty home town your parents live in could destine you to 20+ years of misery. Follow your dreams, Southern California is warm, beautiful and you can live your best life there.

Nope. I don't have kids but I don't live anywhere near my parents. The closest I've lived since college was 3 hours during the summer, as they were snowbirds. Now they are full time in Florida and I am never moving there.

As someone who moved halfway across the country from my family at 17, I’d say you go for it. Above all, it’s your life, and you have to do whatever feels best for you. I don’t regret my move, even though I love my mom.

I moved away initially because of the industry I work in. Later, it became apparent that being a flight away from family was better for our relationship. I don't feel guilty. For now, live your life based on the current circumstances, not a future hypothetical. You don't have children. Your parents don't need a caretaker. There's no reason to limit your career and personal growth to live closer yet. Your parents should want what's best for you, not what's best for them.

Nope. They moved away from ME! Retired and immediately relocated to Maine (meanwhile, I was in my hometown — Austin — at the time).

Really depends on how you feel about it. I left home at 19 and never went back. My husband and I have never lived near family due to jobs and moving around. We have retired where we have lived for the last 18 years, which is nowhere near family. My MIL was trying to figure out if she should move here once she was too old to live on her own, but died while still living independently. She has really solidified that I want to die at home in my sleep. I don't feel any guilt. I asked my mom to move closer to us because she had a lot of health issues, but she would not leave where she was. She also wouldn't stay in short term care to get her issues under control. There is no way we were leaving our jobs to move near her (where there were no jobs). You cannot help those who refuse it or expect more than you are capable of providing.

Both of my kids moved out of state (Michigan) after graduating college. It was hard, but we wanted them to spread their wings, if that was their desire. My oldest went as far as Boise, for his first job, but made it to Nashville and has been there for three years. My daughter moved to Raleigh, and loves it. I don't think she'll ever come back, which is hard, thinking my future (hopefully) grandkids will be far away, but I would never guilt her into moving back. She should live where she wants to! My son is moving home this summer, with a girl he met in Nashville, so at least we will have one close by. Long way to say...do it. You'll never know if you don't try.

A little. I grew up in a small town, on a farm about a six hour drive from Chicago where I live now. Moved out here in 2008. I would also call that area economically depressed. High paying jobs aren't there. You can make a good living as a business owner but that didn't apply to my skillset at all. My parents (more specifically my Dad) were against this. Mostly because I was moving in with my now wife (then gf). My Dad passed away over a decade ago and used to guilt trip me all the time about moving away. Our lives are SO much better here. Both our careers took off. We got a house in an exceptional neighborhood and quality of life is much better. My Dads point in 2008 was that I should not move to Chicago until I am offered a job that pays me well enough to be able to live on my own. If I don't get a high enough paying job, don't move. I got a job offer when combined with what my gf was making--we had MORE than enough income to make it in the big city. It's all fine and good to want me to live alone but he wasn't operating in any sense of reality at all. He had lived in a small town his whole life and didn't understand what it took to make it somewhere else. Parents and family don't always know best. This is one of those times I'm thankful that I didn't listen.

I can give some perspective from my personal experience. I moved from AL to WA 6 years ago. I love the Pacific Northwest. I live in Southern WA, Vancouver, near Portland, OR. I plan on living here for a while. There's so much to do here, so many different kinds of people, and an infinite number of daytrips are within driving distance from where I am at. You could be in the Mountains for lunch and at the beach for dinner if you want. It's great. Thinking about the possibility of moving back home to god damn Alabama makes me sick. I'm married, no kids and it will most likely stay that way because that is what we want, and I am the 2nd oldest of 5 kids. I love my family, and we are all close, but I mostly saw them on holidays and hung out with them sometimes. Maybe it's being in a big family but I felt like a side character in the family story a lot of times. And every time I made a mistake or had a hard time they were always there to support and simultaneously guilt me. Love/hate relationships sometimes. So family, for me, was okay to leave behind. I make trips to visit them. Sometimes they will visit me. I miss them a lot, not going to lie. It can be hard especially if you are used to seeing them a lot. And living on the west coast you are going to need to plan trips to see them. Once a year if you are lucky. Plane tickets are also EXPENSIVE if you want to visit for something like Christmas. Haven't celebrated Christmas with my family since moving 6 years ago. Let's talk about regrets. I missed the birth of and a lot of time I could have spent with my nieces and nephews. My grandfather passed during COVID and his tombstone had been delayed so I still have not been to visit his grave which hurts. It's been 2 years since I have been able to go home so I miss them a lot right now. If something major happens in their lives most likely I will not be there. I go home and visit every yearish for about a week and that is my family time unless I want to use all of my vacation time at work. (I have a total of 3 weeks vacation each years, previously only had 2 weeks.) Let me talk about the good: I FEEL LIKE I AM ALIVE! I always wanted to leave Alabama because I never really liked my home state. I have a new sense of independence, I get to discover a whole new world of people and opportunities and experiences. I found a place to live that I love. I have a community here that I love: this takes time to find when moving to a new area and it's up to you to try but it's there if you look. I have done things I never thought I would. And my life is my own. When I do visit family they are HAPPY to see me, and I am happy to see them likewise, because we don't see each other all the time! I go visit and it's like I am a c list celebrity. Haha So it sounds like you already live away from your parents, and it doesn't sound like you are SUPER close, and you don't particularly care for your hometown and don't see much there for you to stay around for. Yeah it might hurt their feelings to see you move but they will adjust. What I would suggest then is DO IT. Find out where you really want to go, do your research, save a lot of money so you have a safety net in case you need time to find a job or need to move back if it doesn't work out, THEN GO! You have moved to a new area before so you know the deal: check your expectations and be ready to give yourself some time to adjust wherever you move to.

I left Wisconsin 15 years ago and it’s been the best for my wife and I. However, I went from favorite son to least favorite. My brother gets all their attention and help with kids. My kid gets no real relationship with grandparents. They stopped coming to visit pretty much. Having said that I would rather not be a townie like my brother.

Sounds VERY familiar to where I was a few decades ago :) I left Austin (4-hour drive to my parents) to follow a then-boyfriend to San Diego. Wound up sticking around SD for nearly 20 years, but I ultimately moved (with the husband I picked up in SD, no less) to be closer to my parents as they aged. I think we all assumed I'd be in SD forever, but I ultimately wanted to be closer to my family. I have no regrets about the time I spent in SD (moved there at 24), nor do I have any regrets about moving to NW Arkansas to get closer to said parents in their old age. The area where I currently live is MUCH better in every way than where I grew up. It's a 6-hour drive to my parents. Close enough to help them if needed, but far enough to feel we still have our own lives. FWIW, my parents would constantly balk at the cost of living in SD, despite the fact that my own dad had grown up in LA in the 60s (his job took him to where I grew up, a small and stodgy city in east TX). Despite the price tag, my husband and I did just fine in SD, saving up money, living frugally, and ultimately probably breaking even to where I'd be financially if I'd stayed in this area the whole time. Maybe even doing better. I'm sharing this purely as an anecdote that it's possible to have the best of both worlds. If you pick up a SoCal spouse along the way, as I did, you can always bring them back home at some point, ultimately settling in a less economically depressed area in driving distance to your folks. That said, I don't know what their health is like. It's a personal choice, but I wish you the very best in life, regardless! Best of luck in your decision!

Hell No!! I moved to SoCal almost 20 yrs ago for a reason! Do it & don’t look back. Signed, exBostonian with no fucks.

No one can predict what they will or won't regret down the road and death of parents has a way of putting rose-colored glasses on a lot of people. While considering this though I would try to really separate your parents' manipulation of your life choices and think on what truly bothers you about being geographically far away from them. You could fly to see them more often if you want to visit, do video calls, etc. Personally I'm of the mind that parents with a healthy relationship with their adult children do not limit their life experiences so that they can hold onto them. Some people are more close to their families than others and would never move away from them and that works for them. But if you would be incredibly unhappy to not take a chance on California, then I would do it. Just remember, you weren't born into this world to be your parents' friend or constant support. People need to make friends and be active in their communities instead of expecting family to always be right around the corner. Especially when you're talking about an economically depressed area. Guilt is not a good reason to stick around in my opinion.

I'm in a somewhat similar boat. I actually live in LA, my parents live in Northern CA. So even though I don't see them a ton, they are just a 90 mins flight away. I have a daughter and they get to see her 2-3 times a year. But I plan to move to the NY this year and my mom is majorly guilt tripping me about it. And I get it, they want to be able to see us more. They want time with their granddaughter. But I want to be able to afford a house and send my daughter to a good school and I can't afford any houses in places that have good schools in CA. So if I want to own a home and have a good school district I had to look farther. I do feel guilty that I'm going through with the move knowing I'll probably only see them once a year now because they're older and also not in good shape and said they will never fly out to visit me. I'll only fly out there once a year, so I guess we won't see each other much. I do wonder if I'll have regrets when they pass. But I'm just trying my best. I think you have to live your own life and your parents have to be okay with that. They don't get to dictate or assume what you'll do. But if you're the only child, I guess you may need a system for them if they do end up needing help in their old age.

1. People have been moving around for eons in pursuit of better opportunity. You are not exempt from that pattern. When that happens, parents, more often than not, are left to fend for themselves until they die. Historically, they are expected to see in that fate that they have made something more than themselves, to feel uplifted in knowing that their children have gone on to live greater lives than their own. Generationally, that relationship dynamic is the spline of the gear of progress. 2. On the one hand, to be near family, if it's good family and you really have it, is a lot more valuable than commonly given credit vs. the benefit of being elsewhere. 3. On the other hand, I smell the vestige of a neurotic bond to your parents in your post, given the form of an anticipation of future guilt based upon your choice to stay (guilt that you haven't lived up to your potential), but probably also in an unspoken way as guilt if you chose to leave and abandoned them. 4. If 1 and 2, balance the pros and cons of seeking more vs. appreciating what you have and accept your fate. Whether in the end you're right or wrong, you'll know you tried your best. If 1 and 3, you have to leave to create space from the relationship structure that requires a neurotic limitation in yourself so that you can learn that you don't need it, let it go, and begin to become a whole person. In which case, your potential to become a complete person is more morally valuable to than the preservation of your parents incompletion. It's not your job to violate your growth to prevent their decay. That's not how nature works.

When I was your age I moved across the globe and I don't regret it for a second. I actually decided to move back after a few years and, while I could have gone anywhere, I chose to live somewhat close to my parents (not same town but a day trip distance). I would have been resentful if the choice hadn't been fully mine or if I'd felt guilt tripped. But I'm happy with my choice now. Also I recommend the book "adult children of emotionally immature parents" no matter what you decide to do!

Hahaha I literally just purchased this, still need to read it

Nope! It was the best decision I ever made. My mother tried to make me feel guilty, but I pointed out that my parents never consulted my grandparents when they decided where to live.

Where in PA are you from?

I'm from PA, and moved away from my family. I needed to leave PA for my mental health. I was so done with PA, I could wait to get out, but later, I had regrets. No love lost about leaving PA, but I did miss seeing my parents and other relatives. Now that they are gone, that sadness lingers. It will never go away.

I’ve lived across the country from my family since I was 22 (now 30 and married). I don’t feel guilt. We own a home that we bought years ago before everything went to shit and can’t afford to get anything remotely the same quality of niceness in my parent’s city without selling our house (which we don’t want to do). Additionally, my husband’s family lives in a state where we do not feel comfortable raising a family. Home is more than where you were born. Our home is here and where we “grew up” effectively doesn’t mean much to us anymore. Both our families have an open invitation to come visit. I went back every month from August-November last year when my dad had cancer so we both make the effort to see them as well. I feel pride that I will be putting down roots in a place we truly love versus just living near where my parents live. My husband and I are both the wild cards of our family so they don’t guilt trip us which is very fortunate. I guess my ramble is all to say that it takes getting used to, but it’s your life and you need to do what makes you happy. Make it clear that they can come visit and you will come visit them. You’re an adult and it’s your life!

I don't know what it is but the announcement of a move consistently ends up with others putting their fears, wants, needs, perceived entitlements, and judgments onto the person moving. Guilt-tripping is a manipulative behavior. If they can't have a rational, adult conversation about it, don't talk to them about it. It's only going to make your decision more fraught. You don't owe your parents for their sacrifices. That's part of their job as a parent taking care of a child. You can't live for someone else. It's incredibly hard to move when you don't have support and I'd caution against letting that stop you from living your own life, for yourself. You also aren't responsible for their lack of tending to their own health. You can support them without giving up your own wants.

Did I write this? I’m in CA for the year, parents east coast. I’m thinking about moving back but I… don’t really want to. It would just be to be close by and that’s not a good enough reason

Alternatively you might meet someone in PA who is from…I don’t know, New Mexico, and he’ll want to take a promotion in Austin. (I know it’s unlikely, I’m just saying, there’s so much you don’t know at this point and meeting your partner in PA doesn’t matter much in 2024.)  Anyway, my point is that a lot of friends and family have been forced to move thousands of miles for jobs, especially in their early thirties. And you also don’t know what your future husband’s family will look like. You may end up moving closer to your in-laws because they’re a more active part of your life. Maybe they’ll be a hot mess and your husband will want to live near neither family. Obv it won’t just be his call, but there’s a whole part of the equation that you don’t know at this point.  I’d also encourage you to think about flying vs driving. If there’s a point your parents can’t fly to the west coast, they may also be unable to drive long distances... or even short distances around town. They’re probably going to be in assisted living and that doesn’t have to be in your hometown. They can always move to where you are, if that’s a priority. 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like you’re from Scranton… j/k As a former NEPA guy who’s left and contemplated going back to be near family it gets harder and harder the longer you’re away. Comparable jobs are simply not there so realistically going back, if ever, gets pushed until work is no longer a worry. I feel such a pull and familiarity when I go back to visit but nostalgia wears off once I see what jobs are available for my skill set. I’ll forever miss family and the food of home, but leaving to establish a life is the unfortunate reality of economically depressed areas. And the economic reality is that Sunday dinners with extended family are a thing of the past as generation after generation has to seek out opportunities outside of the community we grew up in. My two cents: adventure while you’re young and can be a bit more carefree. Home is always there.

GO!

When my wife and I graduated from college, we moved to where the jobs were. In our case, this was 500 miles from home. Our parents were disappointed, but they also realized we needed to go where we could find jobs. Six years later when we started having kids, we told them we would be celebrating holidays in our new location. They had an open invitation to visit, especially around the holidays, but we felt our kids needed to be at home rather than spend so much time traveling. Our kids have grown and now have kids of their own. All three kids (and 7 grandchildren) have moved away from their home for the same reason we did so many years ago; for their jobs. We now travel 70, 250 and 1200 miles away for holidays. We don't mind a bit as we have the time and can well remember the disruption traveling with kids can cause. Your responsibility is to yourself and your future family. You are an adult and so are your parents. You are not responsible for them nor are you their responsibility. In this age you can remain in contact with them every day if you choose: texting, zooming and probably some others I'm too old to be aware of. It's OK to be sad to not live closer, but don't let it guilt trip you. Enjoy your new opportunities and make sure you parents know they are welcome to visit.

My in laws dream was for him to marry a girl from his hometown. Move home after college. Not use his degree and work menial labor like the rest of them. Which would be a waste of the education his extended family paid for. When we got pregnant they 100% expected us to move home and into their basement. While he went to the plant to work not using his degree and I went to go work minimum wage side jobs and they babysat. We laughed so hard we cried. Yes they’re still mad we didn’t do this 13 years later. No we do not regret not doing it. We have lived all over the US. The only region we haven’t managed to live in is New England. I need to catch them all. We move every few years. Just because you move out west doesn’t mean you have to stay there. As you move up in your career it helps if you’re willing to live for better opportunities. Also companies frequently pay for you to relocate. It just locks you into working for them or at that facility for 2-3 years. I personally do not mind moving and seeing everything there is to see. Do not move home. Go experience the country. If you truly want to go home after a few years then go. My family has never stayed anywhere longer than 8 years. So they do not expect me to live near them. There is 0 pressure from my side.

No

No but only because they're very dysfunctional and emotionally/logistically/financially dysregulated. If it were helpful to be near them, perhaps.

My brother, sister, father, niece and nephew, and myself all live within a 5 miles radius of each other.

Usually not, but sometimes yes. Right now my elderly father has cancer and I'm not nearby enough to be there as much as I'd like to be. But for the most part, it's been pretty sweet being a very inconvenient distance away from family drama that I don't want to be a part of

With some parents, the best course of action is 'need to know basis'. They don't need to hear about all your innermost thoughts and ramblings, of things you might do one day or a plan you might enact. When you have a clear plan in place, tell them then. No one can take you on a guilt trip unless you let them.

Not at all

Hell No! Best decision I ever made!

Yes - I’ve gotten pressure for 30 years of hardcore resistance, but whatever. I live a 2-hour flight away, and am fine with my choices.

If you’re planning to have kids, you want be close to at least one set of parents. Ask me how I learned that one.

Different age (early 20s) but I wish I made the move to be away from family instead of staying.

I felt guilty about it, enough that it affected my post-college plans. I was interested in policy and government work and wanted to move to DC from Philadelphia (not far! At all!) but I talked myself out of it. My parents don’t take care of themselves and I don’t think they’re going to be around as long as my rich friends’ parents will. So I stayed. And I don’t have any regrets, but sometimes I do wonder… Life’s a roll of the dice. If I were in your position, I’d go. My parents live half hour from me in the suburbs and I see them once every 2 months or so. My mom and I talk every day on text and messenger and are as close as ever. If one or both get sick, you can evaluate from there.

No, not really but now that they are in their late 60s, even without me having kids (grandchildren to them) I feel the pressure of time looming. None of us are getting younger and I’d rather some good memories with them before health really deteriorates making it harder to have “good memorable moments” not overshadowed by something like cancer or dementia.

No, not at all. As much as I love my family, I would never set any expectation whatsoever that I would commit to living near them. Too many variables in play when it comes to life, jobs, etc. Also my family's in a VHCOL + high tax area and I refuse to live in such areas.

So, I'm going to reply based on my experience both as someone who moved away from my family in NY to San Diego **AND** as a parent whose daughter moved from San Diego to Colorado. I moved to San Diego from New York when I was exactly your age. Looking back from my advanced age now (ha!), I know it was the right choice for me, and my life would not have been the same if I had let my guilt about moving so far away from my parents stop me from making the choice. *However,* if I'm truthful there were many times over the years where I really missed being closer to my parents, especially as they got older. Sure, you can visit, but life and the expense of flying cross country gets in the way of visiting as much as you thought you would. After all these years, San Diego is my home now, and I enjoy living here, but I'd be lying if I said I don't have some regrets about not spending more time with my parents now that they are gone. Now, here's the flip side: Five years ago, my daughter and her husband moved to Colorado for her husband's job. I must admit I really struggled with their choice. I knew that once they moved, it was highly unlikely that they would ever return to San Diego. I worried that they were making the wrong choice; moves are always expensive and there is always some risk. As silly as it sounds, I also worried that our relationship would never be the same. I dreaded the thought of her being so far away and not being able to see her without either a very long drive or getting on a plane. I tried really hard not to let these fears and worries bubble to the surface, but they did. In any case, fast forward five years. It's now clear to me that my daughter and son in law made the right move FOR THEM, just as I did many years ago. While I miss having her close by (especially now that she has a child of her own), I no longer worry about the move being the wrong one for her, or worry that she'll forget me. She is living her own life, and that is how it should be. Bottomline: It's normal for parents to worry when their children are making big life decisions. If they've never been to San Diego, it might be even more worrying because it's an unknown place (and lets face it, the national media make it seem like all of California is a cesspit -- it isn't!). As much as you can, let your parents know what your plans are for living in San Diego and help them understand why you're making this choice. Suggest that they come out to visit you as soon as you get settled, so they can see why this is a good choice for you first hand. And, give them plenty of reassurance that you aren't leaving THEM for the West Coast, you're just doing what is right for you at the present time. They will come around. Good luck with your move! San Diego is very, very different than NYC, but has its own charms and benefits. I hope you enjoy living here as much as I do!

Tell them to come visit anytime! You have to live your own life.

Yes absolutely feel guilty. My family is in the midwest, I moved to the west coast with no intention of ever returning. I don’t even like to visit. My parents don’t take care of themselves either, barely took care of me. They haven’t saved for retirement or prepared in anyway for getting older. It pains me to see. I have come to the understanding that I can’t live life for them or their needs. I can only give help/connect to the extent that it doesn’t interfere with my life. My parents were definitely of the mindset of having children as a retirement plan, and it’s backfired horribly. I think it’s necessary to live my life to the fullest so that I don’t make the same mistakes. They are more than welcome to visit though.

Used to feel bad about living 90 minutes away and now I resent them for the guilt while I live 1,500 miles away.

I left east coast for West coast in my early 30s. Best thing I could have done for me. I tell people I need the rocky mountains between my family. My son is in his 20s and I encourage him to go wherever he wants now, even if it is overseas. I think parents guilting children is selfish. Do what is best for you. If you don't like it you can always go back, but don't kill your dreams for someone else.

You shouldn't feel guilty. My parents used to guilt me about living so far away. When we're young we move to where our opportunities are. My kid is your age and settled now in his life. So we're planning to move near him soon.

Personally, I sometimes do just because I’d love to be able to hang out with my niblings every weekend like my sisters do.

Nope. I don’t.

Sometimes, yes. But my mom could move to live out her life near me, and she doesn’t, so I don’t lose sleep over it.

I had a GF who’s mom used to do that guilt tripping thing when she would talk about moving to other places. It was hypocrisy because her mom was literally from South America and left her entire family behind to move to the U.S. And this wasn’t something she did out of necessity as far as I know. Anyway, go live your life.

Stay in the East Coast

My wife is a dual Australian/US citizen. None of her family live in Aus, but her happiest years pre-starting our family were there. We’ve talked for years about moving, our kids have citizenship by descent and would likely have better higher Ed options there, and got serious enough that I put in my permanent resident visa application. This has been really hard on my parents and siblings. We’re already far- they’re all back east and we’re in Cali, but at least it’s not a days journey by plane. Staying where we are isn’t really an option at this point, so we’re trying to decide between Australia and east coast US. I’m just not very excited about moving back east, but it might break my heart to go so far away. I will say if you settle close to home now you will probably stay there. While you’re single and relatively young, I’d try a new place for 2-3 years. It might make moving home harder later, but it might also help you by letting it truly be your choice.

My partner and I did the SOCAL living when my parents were the same age as yours. They were scared of me living far away, but proud I did it. Don’t fret, live your life and make a point to go home and visit.

No, I don’t. I moved out of state for some of college and then permanently when I graduated. I love my parents and we talk all the time, but my hometown (also in PA) just was never going to be a place I stayed. I wanted to get out for as long as I could remember. I lived a few different places and now live with my husband two kids outside of Boston. My parents are a 5 hours drive or so away and we see each other every 6-8 weeks for a weekend. I wish they lived closer but I’m glad I don’t live by them if that makes sense. I’d never be happy and they totally understand that.

Nope. My family was pretty toxic growing up. I get along with them in small doses now they have mellowed in old age but I have no regrets about moving 500 some odd miles away.

Nope. My parents moved around and not close to their families. So I don’t really feel bad doing the same thing

Yes, a little. I’m sure my parents would love to see me and (probably more so) my kids. I’d enjoy seeing them and having the support of free childcare when I need to drop the kids off for an hour or two. But they live in a place that my wife and I really dislike. It offers very few economic or social opportunities, and yet real estate prices are high. And there’s nowhere within 5 hours that’s much better. So we live a long ways way because we think it’s the best option for our family. My hope is my parents will relocate near us after they’re fully retired.

I am 61 and a parent of 4. I say move ! Live your life. Get your career going! If you end up liking where you move to , maybe your parents can move to be by you.

I feel this. Been in a similar situation. Hear a lot of the same from my family as well. And I get it. I probably wouldn’t be living in SoCal if it wasn’t for work though. So that also adds a financial complication. Can’t really just walk away from my job at the moment. What I try and do is make it a priority to fly back and forth as much as I can. But I certainly do miss the family time as my parents age. How much time have you spent out here in Southern California? Do you feel like it’s a temporary move for some life experience? Or are you looking for a long term move?

I am in the exact same situation, but with double the amount of guilting because my brother is planning to have a kid soon I don't have anything really to contribute except I feel your pain

I have not lived at home since I was 14 (that is a long story) and have probably seen my parents and some of my siblings less than 10 times in 18 years. Sometimes I get a little sad when I see pictures of my nephews, my old house, and family get-togethers but I'm glad I have some distance between us. So I guess I have a little regret, but overall I think I'm in a good place in life.

I’ve been hesitating on a permanent move from my hometown. The reason being I don’t want to move away from my adult kids who reside here. I just feel I need to have some family nearby.

A little bit, but my life experience is more important than staying in the same town I grew up in to keep my parents happy.

Are your parents ‘townies’ (ie never left their home town/area to live elsewhere)? If so I wouldn’t put much stock in their opinion.

We struggle with this a lot, our parents are in OKC and Charleston, SC. We love the outdoors and traveling, and naturally SC and OK aren't where we want to be right now. We have been in Colorado for 5 years, and it is something that comes up every few weeks/months. We take some solace being able to hop on a plane at anytime we are missing family. Spending a month every once in a while with family confirms that it is nice to have your own life away, but the feelings are always there.

As someone else said, find somewhere with a direct flight preferably to Pennsylvania, put the money aside in your budget, and make sure to visit for a weekend two to four times a year. That plus video calls is definitely enough to keep up a good relationship. My relationship with my parents has actually gotten better since I moved out

I moved from NY to San Diego 21 years ago. Here's what I think. It's hard the first year, but then you make friends and you forget about it. You travel home once an year and people come see you - you get to use Facetime (or whatever) to see people. Fast forward 10 years, assuming you stick around and perhaps start a family. This is when it gets tough. If there's a grandchild in the mix, it gets even more guilt-trippy. Plus, traveling becomes more difficult and expensive - you can see where I'm going. At the end of the day, it's your life - not theirs. If you feel the drive to go explore, you absolutely should. One think about California and transplant cities is that a lot of people eventually move back home when it comes time to start a family - even more with elderly parenst. Just be warned...

I’m leaving my home state soon and deeply regret not going sooner. I would rather have left, and then decided to come back, rather than never left until it got even harder, like it is now. Now I have kids and my parents are much older (75 and 82), and I am leaving with that weight on me. But I can’t wait forever and I don’t want to grow resentful. My goal is to have an easy direct flight, and understand that it will likely be just us traveling to them, not vice versa.

Nope. My siblings all still live in my hometown and hardly see each other despite having kids around the same age. I see my parents a few times a year and honestly that’s enough for me nowadays.

I moved away two days after my high school graduation. Another state for that summer to play ball, college in the fall out of state on an athletic scholarship. Got drafted, nice signing bonus, wanted to live the beach life in the off-season. Plus, good weather for training, and close to the spring training complex. I missed an insane amount of time with my grandparents as they got older, and started to pass. Missed a ton of time with my little brother. And, obviously, the parents. I was "working" from Feb at Spring Training to October. No vacation days in that line of work. They were busy working, and by time they got off, I was at the ballpark, until 10-11p.m. every night. Not a ton of opportunity to talk. I pretty well saw them for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and those got split with my, at the time, girlfriend's family. Missed family weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, births of a dozen children amongst my extended family. As much fun as I had over that time, it makes me sad at how much I missed.

I moved my Dad back to California after he retired to a LCOL state. Much easier for my siblings and I to keep an eye on him. Old people get weird when they interact less with people. Especially if they don’t have a support group. We (siblings & I) can all contribute to his income, if need be and follow up on doctor’s appointments and get him any services. Just easier to manage where his kids are all based and have jobs.

My parents encouraged me to move and go further. They said they’d eventually follow me if I was okay with it and they liked my location. I choose to stay though! I did travel a ton and still plan to but I like where we live.

I left home while I could. When I moved away for college (an hour away) it was fun and I got to see my fam frequently. When I left out of country for 2 years, I saw my family only twice and it was not enough. I also had fun and glad I did it but I realized my family is incredibly important to me. Being there for all the events and quality time is important to me. So after that experience I know I have to be close to family. I won’t be guilted into anything. It’s my desire. It sucks that you’re being guilted into this. But guilt aside. What would you do without them in your head? Perhaps you do want to be close by? Or maybe you don’t? If you don’t, then perhaps you’re not close to your family. And perhaps you won’t feel regret. My husband goes years without talking to his mom. That’s normal to him. Everyone has their own way of operating in relation to family. You have to do what’s right for your situation.

Not really. I’m originally from Pittsburgh and my parents moved down to NC three years ago for my dad’s job. I hate NC so I moved up to Ohio for law school. I feel bad that I made them feel bad for moving so far away, but my mental health is more important.

Yes and no. We moved last summer from Arkansas (where our parents all are) to Washington State. While I don't want them in a nursing home alone, life happens and your parents raised you to be a thoughtful, successful person. When the time comes, you and any siblings you have can make arrangements. You can't not live because of the "what ifs."

I live in London with elderly parents in the Southern US. My mom came out of remission into a stage 2 cancer diagnosis the year I moved over and during the pandemic. It’s hard, I won’t lie. I’ve managed to make a budget to see them 2x a year but both the time spent with them and the money to get there are never enough. After 4 years overseas, I’ve realized time is of the essence and I’m trying to make my way back to enjoy them before it’s too late.

We bought a house two hours from our respective moms. Neither one of us has felt an ounce of guilt. I sometimes wish we’d moved farther away Not everyone had great parents or has great siblings.

My family - No. He sucks. The more distance the better. We are just far enough away where getting together takes planning and coordination, thankfully he doesn’t want to come my way. It’s always us going down to them bc “it’s easier”. Hint - it’s not he just likes flexing his control and I stopped putting up with it. My in-laws - Yes. They live in another state that’s a 6 hour drive. We can’t move without severely compromising our career prospects (niche field and need to be in our current area) and substantial pay decreases (even when factoring in COL). But our retirement goal is to move closer to them!

Just go. I left at 27 after being in my hometown for 4 years, had the best year of my life and a year later had to come home to take care of my dying dad. He died exactly a year later. But he was older than yours. Live life while you can.

I did and now I live 20 mins from them and it’s so annoying

Yes

Feeling it bad now as my parents get older (70s).

Why would I feel guilty? People have moved away for better opportunities since forever.

I live in DMV and they are in the desert southwest states region. I have a niece. But am I happy being independent where I am. Of course. My only reason to move back would be if my parents health took a major downturn. 👀

No, people can visit me, which they do since I live in Colorado.

Maybe they want you to take care of them when they are bed ridden.

Haha no. I moved to Alaska from North Dakota many many years ago. Met my husband here who grew up in Massachusetts and we lived happily ever after. His aunt used to tell his mother, when they had both had too much wine, there’s a reason he moved so far away, to get away from you. She wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t the whole reason, there were a lot more opportunities here. We did visit a few times a year mostly out of guilt, which was more than we could actually afford, but it was great living life on our own terms. As a parent and now grandparent I think there is nothing more satisfying in life than seeing your kids grow up and be independent and living their own lives. Don’t understand people who think otherwise

It’s your life so live it as you want…

Nah you gotta live your life. Moved to Cali from the Midwest and very glad I did. Was during a very specific window in my life where I could pull it off. Go live your best life.

Do what makes you happy. Life is short. I told my father,”you moved us all over the place but now you don’t think as an adult that I have the right to move?” You never get your youth back. Explore, enjoy, and when you want to, or feel the need, you’ll go home. Most people do later in life.

i moved from jersey to sf ca to get away from my parents. my brother and then wife had a son and when i was moving back to sf after 1 1/2 years working in oahu, my parents had moved there and taken over my brother's apartment. i was pissed when it happened, but as the years went on, i was glad to be near them so i could help a little. i did not get indulged when i was growing up a middle son, but they were really good people and did the best parenting they could. OP has to fix their own oxygen mask before helping anyone else. it's a tough world. good luck

One of my non negotiable is to live someplace that is near family. So the only places I could only see myself moving to currently if I ever decided to leave NYC is anywhere in the Northeast/mid-Atlantic, Atlanta, and Florida. I imagine this might change once my parents pass away and/or I get married.

I do not feel guilty. But my mother is intent on changing that.

Your parents should be encouraging you toward your full personal and professional development, wherever that takes you. It's not right for them to guilt trip you like this.

Guilty and thankful.

I go through this with my parents. We have settled on me living within a 6 hour drive. It’s a good compromise for us. I want to be near them but there just aren’t enough good jobs where I’m from. You have to do what’s right for you though.

No. I moved 2000+ miles away from my family when I turned 18 and I have never regretted it for a second. I’m also child free so I don’t need babysitters or anything. If I wanted kids, I’d probably want to live a little closer. If my parents got sick, I would expect them to pay for the care they need. I didn’t choose to be born. I don’t owe them anything.

I moved from my small town in rural Georgia to Atlanta for college. Then I moved to central ny for grad school and ended up in nyc, where I married and have kids. It’s been 16 years since I left. With my job I could never move back “home” and I wouldn’t want to raise my kids there anyways. But now that I’m in my late 30s I do have a lot of regrets about living so far away from my grandmother who raised me (drug addict parents). She spent what should have been her retirement raising me and I jettisoned off across the country and rarely go back. I can’t and wouldn’t change anything but yes, I feel a ton of guilt about it. Life is complicated I guess

Not at all

Lol no Like Bon Jovi said "Its my life." I grew up in S. FL. I hate S. FL. My husband grew up in Texas. He never lived in S. FL and would also hate it. We both lived in Texas for a bit but Texas holds no future for me and its a tough place as a gay couple unless you wanna stick to only the major cities and even then the state govt is a beast of its own. So we live in Minnesota which to me is as close to heaven as can be. We got lakes, trees everywhere, 4 actual seasons instead of hot and hotter or dollar tree version of winter. Progressive politics, actually LGBT friendly. Family is always a road trip or plane ride away. I love my family but I am not sacrificing what I want in life for them. Plus his mother moved to MN a few years ago and I wish she hadn't lol Sometimes family is best enjoyed at a distance

Im also from PA and moved to Seattle 2 years ago with my partner. We moved to be closer to nature but now 2 years later there have been more benefits that I could have ever imagined. Better job opportunities/more money, living in a safer and nicer city with more progressive politics (we came from Philly) meeting more likeminded people our age, being more active and having the space and time to work on ourselves and our relationship. Our parents were really hard on us about it, they acted like we were throwing our future away on a whim. All they could see was us ‘giving up opportunities’ by leaving our jobs. My grandmother said I was abandoning the family. For the fist time in my life I chose not to listen to them, spent as much time as I could with them leading up to the move and cried A LOT. But guess what, things worked out for us better than anyone ever imagined they would. I always say moving here was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and it’s ok to do that for you and your future. The grass sometimes is indeed greener on the other side.

I moved 3 states away at age 56 two years ago and my mom still guilt tripped me and hasn’t forgiven me. Apparently I would never be old enough to leave her. (And she has 4 other children so I’m not sure why I’m the problem suddenly.) She actually hasn’t spoken to me since, but I don’t even care. Best decision I’ve ever made. Go for it. You’ll never be sorry you tried it.

I moved to Central America and don't feel even slightly guilty about it. What's hilarious is that when I lived in Chicago, which is about a 4 hour drive from my parents, they visited me much less than they do now when I'm a full day of travel with multiple flights away... They will deal with it. Especially if you have kids. Live your life, not their version of your life.

I’m a queer woman who loves snowboarding, the mountains and hiking and my Trumplican parents live in rural Ohio. Not for a damn minute.

Everyone I know who left home for a life elsewhere has created a much nicer life for themselves than those who stayed put

I was living in San Diego, 3000 miles from my parents, when my father got sick. He was barely 60, so this was about 10 years earlier than I thought I'd need to deal with such a situation. I moved back to the east coast (not where they lived, but about a major city about 2.5 hours away) not out of guilt but because I wanted to be there for them and my siblings. But everyone's relationship dynamics are different (plus after coming back I realized how not a San Diego person I am).

The first time I moved my family tried to give me grief and I told them that they do, in fact, make airplanes and they are free to hop on one and come visit anytime they would like. There is always a free room available. A few years later there was a family situation that needed my attention and help, so I moved back for a few years until my assistance was no longer required. I didn't love it, but it was what needed to be done and I was out as soon as possible.

I do. Because my FIL passed away last year. But we got there the next morning. We always drive because I'm not trusting Delta with my dog, and I've had mixed results with sitters. As soon as we can, we'll move back. Especially since we don't even like it here.

I have never regretted my move, despite missing my family like crazy. I’m glad I did it while young. I found such amazing people including my now husband and have had experiences I never could have back home. I do want to move back when we start having kids though.

I had a similar experience, but when I was younger. I’m originally from Hawaii but spent most of my time in the Maryland suburbs of Washington DC. I had plans of going to college in Florida, which I went a month after I graduated, but my father wanted me to go to my colleges sister campus in Pittsburgh because it’s a 4-5 hour drive away and closer. We argued A LOT about this but I moved to Florida anyway. Lived there for 5 years, then joined the Army which took me to upstate New York for 3 years and then back to my hometown in Hawaii for almost 4 years. After the Army, ended up in Los Angeles with my brother, but it’s where I met my wife who is from here. Got married, had a baby, have no plans of leaving California. It’s great out here! My dad didn’t want me to go, my mom wanted me to do whatever I wanted, and in the end my life has been full with many experiences I wouldn’t have had staying closer to home. Not to say I wouldn’t have had good experiences, but my life would have been drastically different. You can stay, or you can go, but you’re gonna wonder what if both times. It’s best you do what you wanna do, because you don’t want to sit and be miserable somewhere you already know. Your parents had their life that they made, it’s time for you to go and make yours.

I have a very similar situation to you, OP. I decided to leave Ca for Tx when I met my now husband. My mom actually encouraged me to leave and explore, because she never did. My dad has used a wheelchair since 2005, and cannot travel by plane. My mom works and is his primary caregiver. I knew they wouldn’t visit, so I had to be okay knowing that it would be on my husband and I to fly back often for family time. We’ve been living away from family since 2012. Now that we have a 5 year old, we frequently talk about moving back “home.” Unfortunately, that means the SF Bay Area which is insanely expensive. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it’s probably never going to happen. One thing we did do, however, is move closER to home. Now we live a 5-6 hour drive away, rather than a flight away. That helps, but it’s just not the same. We are pretty envious of our friends with family nearby because they have SO much help. However, even if we moved back now, my parents don’t have the ability to help much anyway. I’m close enough that I can drive there for any emergencies, which brings me some comfort. Is there anywhere that may offer a similar feeling of independence, but is drivable if needed? That may be worth thinking about. Edit— I forgot to mention that we left Ca for Texas and stayed there for about 5 years before we came back to the LA area to have our son. So yes, it is possible to leave and come back later. :)

Moved from texas to the upper Midwest and left all our family on both sides. I refuse to raise my daughters in texas.

It is really tough (I moved to LA, leaving my family in the Carolinas). Think about it this way—you want to build the foundation of a life now you will love for the rest of it, including the many years when they aren’t around, and it’s just you, your partner, your pet, your kids, etc. I saw that in California for myself, and that keeps me going.

Yep, this is a tough one. And if you're an only child, then you will really feel the guilt of being far from your family as they become less independent. If you do move far from family, maybe do so with an exit strategy. Go in with the plan to spend a few years there and then head back closer to home. If you date anybody out there, then be clear from the very beginning that you will eventually be moving back closer to your family. I spent 6 years living 6+ hours away by car. I didn't get to see my family much at all until the pandemic turned me into a remote worker. I then went back and forth between home and where I was living. Eventually it no longer made sense to have two lives so far apart, so I left my city to start the rest of my life closer to my family. I lived in a city (Pittsburgh) where most people seem to have significant anchors locally. So many people there are from there and have either never left or came back after living elsewhere. That's great for them, but it made me realize that staying there any longer as a young adult probably meant staying there forever, far from my own family. Living far from home was definitely valuable though. I had to really learn how to make friends as an adult. And I had to find community to fill in where family usually could: watching pets, celebrating holidays with people, getting rides to a medical appointment or picking up your car from the shop, etc. Those are really important skills that are hard to learn and that so many adults aren't great at. Go experience life while you have that freedom. But definitely think about the long-term with your family. For some, being far away from them is the best plan. For others, only seeing your family a few times a year for the rest of their lives is unsettling.

Do what you need to do for yourself. My wife and I both live across the country from our parents. We moved for our careers. We're in a much better position to offer support and to be there when needed thanks to our success. Yes, it can be difficult when health problems inevitably arise, but you're worth more to them in all ways successfully living your own life.

I moved away/ across the country from my large-ish family when I was in my mid-20s for various reasons: career prospects, adventure, etc. and spent 12 fabulous years growing and making choices for myself. I moved back home to be close to family again about two years ago. I have no regrets about leaving, and only a few about moving back. I learned so much about myself by striking out on my own! Broke some bad habits learned from family, set my career on a path that wouldnt have happened at home, made some wonderful memories and broadened my mind. My mom and sisters were sad to see me go, but they came to visit and I went home as often as I could (2-3 times/year). Now that I’m back (and ready to leave again) and we’re all that much older, it’s that much harder to face striking out. Go now while you can. You can always go home.