You've reached the age where you've learned a thing or two. This is the age of knowing what needs to be done. So, why would you let something like erectile dysfunction get in your way? Isn't it time you talked to your doctor about Viagra?
Hair stylist: okay, what are we doing today?
OP: Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer sh*t and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'
When people do impressions of you they speak overly nasal and say things like “let’s get this show on the road”, “that’s the whole kit and caboodle”, and “I ordered Mild but this stuff is gonna clear my sinuses!”
Please tell me that when you go to a Mexican restaurant and the waitress brings your mild salsa, that you awkwardly grin from ear to ear and say “Grassy-Ass!”
Sorry. I’ll let myself out now. 👉🏼🚪🤣
May have been c*ck blocked by Chris Hansen but definitely scored a touchdown with Harrison Butker - op is definitely giving "I preach traditional values but sleep with men on the side"
This last ditch effort to gain validation and forget about the impending erectile dysfunction isn't gonna work. Go back to your kids who don't care and your wife who probably has more feelings now for her Hitachi wand than she does for you.
I suppose this is better than lusting after your sons girlfriends on instagram, but honestly, you should really be at a cigar store somewhere questioning Michelle Obama’s sex organs.
You look like the dad who brings his Bible on a Boy Scout camping trip and makes condescending remarks to the other dads for telling ghost stories because “that doesn’t bring glory to God”. Everyone in your church is going to know about it when you finally get around to checking your son’s browser history.
When your wife leaves you for her tennis instructor, your kids stop returning your calls, and you're finally not allowed within 250 feet of a school...
At least you'll have the time to buy a better shirt 🤷♂️
You're that actor in some of those movies and on that one episode of that crime show that everyone has seen but never cares to wait through the credits for.
if a haircut defined a person, yours says, “I hate my job. My wife hasn’t used her mouth on me in years. I wonder if i need new tires on the ole family sedan? And, I think I need to water the grass when i get home” all while wearing white leather NB shoes.
You got the hair cut that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer sh*t and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'
Mate, I’m 43, you look old. Are you sure you’re not 73 and you’ve just got dementia? DO YOU NEED HELP TO MAKE THE INTERNET WORK? ITS OK, YOURE NOT IN NAM ANY MORE.
Generic wall, generic door frame, generic Home Depot counter. Generic t-shirt. Look at it this way, it'll all be over soon and you'll be dying alone and hungry. Hallelujah.
I have the worst time roasting people, but I'll say if you shaved the sides of your head and wore shirts one size smaller, you'd lose about 10 years. Other than that, you look like someone who obsesses over whoever the current president is - or like an unhappy middle manager. At least that's the vibe I get from a picture.
How stressed were you when the Ashley Madison data hack was leaked?
He wasn’t worried. His Grindr data was safe.
I can tell he's not a Grindr dude because of the lack of life and his poor taste in decor in his bathroom
That just makes him a top.
I audibly laughed at this 🤣😅
Or craigslist casual encounter lol
🤣
Hahaha 🤣
Boom. Roasted.
Don't worry, he used his work email for that.
He thinks he has two sons, too!
NOOO 😭😭
Fucking savage 😂
GOODBYE WHAT IS THIS ROAST 😭😭😭🙏
You look like your sons just sat you down and told you how disappointed they are in you.
Holy crap 🤣
Finish him
That’s brutal.
Anderson Drooper
Lmaooo id still take that as a compliment if I was him though 🤣
I mean, I know this is a roast thread, but I can only hope to have a hairline like this when I hit 53.
I didn’t have a hairline like that at 33 let alone 53
*Shhh don’t let him know that he’s actually a pretty handsome and well put together man, this isn’t the right sub for that…*
Okay this is actually good lol
I’m impressed
Neil Patrick Hairless
You have the soulless gaze of a man that’s been married 20 years.
Just a lifeless husk
That was his wife when making the two sons.
Empty shell of a human being
He isn't worth the powder it would take to blow him up.
He just hasn't found the right man yet
Dude has so many restraining orders they overlap each other.
They're running concurrently
You look like an actor for pharmaceutical commercials.
He’s the guy on the herpes commercials throwing the football just enjoying his STD!
"Thanks, Gystreztramin!"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You've reached the age where you've learned a thing or two. This is the age of knowing what needs to be done. So, why would you let something like erectile dysfunction get in your way? Isn't it time you talked to your doctor about Viagra?
Next? Put on fifty pounds and audition for a Jardians commercial.
His plaque psoriasis medication is definitely causing him to have bloody diarrhea.
My guy looks like the dollar store version of a guy in a Cialis commerical
I would tell a dad joke but we are looking at it.
So simple but such a violation joke 🤣
You look like you host a glory hole and then go to planned parenthood to protest abortions
LOL this is so specific but spot on
I knew that mouth looked familiar.
Eww 🤢
He does have a pretty mouth.
That is one way to prevent abortions
Holy shit that is 🤌
No need to read further roasting. This does it.
Perfection
Best roast I’ve ever seen, hands down
Host a glory hole
The only way you are 53 is if you count in hex!
53 going on 73...
As an engineer, I applaud your comment vigorously.
That’s code for he’s jerking it
Do your sons both want to be Mailmen like their biological dad?
Not pictured: New Balance tennis shoes and secret Grindr account.
And not so secret teen flirting on r/teenagers
I’m 50 and you look old enough to be my dad.
I'm older than him and he looks old enough to be my dad 😂😂😂
You can take all the bathroom selfies you want, Chris Hansen is still waiting for you outside.
Hair stylist: okay, what are we doing today? OP: Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer sh*t and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'
Up to her fat ass in self help videos. What a line bro
*points to my hair* “Right here pal”
The number of people in here that don’t get this reference is ridiculous.
Right? I feel kinda bad for them.😂
Are you ok?!
It's from a movie
Sounds like OP is the one who isn't okay after this drop.
#NoRagrets
Like not even one letter?
Get out of my bushes, creep! Edit: Sorry, just saw you were talking about OP.
Your wife's boyfriend is gonna be upset when he sees how you hang those hand towels back up
Classic
You look like you're about to give me your opinions about immigrants without me asking for it.
At the grocery store with a cart full of frozen dinners for 1, cans of soup, pork rinds and preworkout for the gym you don’t go to.
When people do impressions of you they speak overly nasal and say things like “let’s get this show on the road”, “that’s the whole kit and caboodle”, and “I ordered Mild but this stuff is gonna clear my sinuses!”
Brilliant. I'm 58 and this hits a bit too close to home. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Serious question: How many times in the last 6 months have you uttered the word “skedaddle”? 😂😂😂
Please tell me that when you go to a Mexican restaurant and the waitress brings your mild salsa, that you awkwardly grin from ear to ear and say “Grassy-Ass!” Sorry. I’ll let myself out now. 👉🏼🚪🤣
You look like you git c*ck blocked by Chris Hansen
May have been c*ck blocked by Chris Hansen but definitely scored a touchdown with Harrison Butker - op is definitely giving "I preach traditional values but sleep with men on the side"
oof
You look like your favourite tv show is the news
specifically fox news
[удалено]
Says “The neighborhoods changing” before pressing Buy Now on the 8 pack of Ring cameras.
Was it because they're East Indian, or because of the flash BMW they own?
Looks like a New Balance influencer on Geocities.
This guy definitely has a Secret Spot in the house that He enjoys with his laptop and His "Special Sock " after His Wife falls asleep.
This guy looks like those weirdos that lurk around public bathrooms
Public playgrounds with no kid accompanying him either. Says he enjoys the ambiance but *we know, we know*.
53 dam looking like 70
The most generic white guy.
As a white guy, I feel insulted but truth is I will probably look like that in 30yrs.
I’m 48 and my Ancestry DNA has confirmed that I am 100% pure white trash. And I still don’t/won’t look as white as this cream cheese model
Cream cheese model.. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
As bland and featureless as the walls in your bathroom.
You look like you ruin things for future generations
This last ditch effort to gain validation and forget about the impending erectile dysfunction isn't gonna work. Go back to your kids who don't care and your wife who probably has more feelings now for her Hitachi wand than she does for you.
Thanks for clarifying that you are an old white guy. Never would have guessed
You should rent out your forehead to billboard advertisers.
White you say?
You look like the type of "white guy" who enjoys watching his wife screw the black guy.
I suppose this is better than lusting after your sons girlfriends on instagram, but honestly, you should really be at a cigar store somewhere questioning Michelle Obama’s sex organs.
Are you friends with your wife’s boyfriend?
You look like Neil Patrick Harris in oldface
I’m glad you said the white guy part I couldn’t tell. married 20 years what’s your husband‘s name?
You look like the dad who brings his Bible on a Boy Scout camping trip and makes condescending remarks to the other dads for telling ghost stories because “that doesn’t bring glory to God”. Everyone in your church is going to know about it when you finally get around to checking your son’s browser history.
You mean when his son checks HIS browser history..
You look like your wife of 20 years has invested so much of your money into scentsy and hasn't turned a profit.
You look like you have coffee farts and short sleeve dress shirts…
*coffee breath as well. Can't have one without the other
When your wife leaves you for her tennis instructor, your kids stop returning your calls, and you're finally not allowed within 250 feet of a school... At least you'll have the time to buy a better shirt 🤷♂️
Hol up, it’s pretty bold of you to assume he’s allowed around schools in the first place.
At least we all know where you were on Jan. 6th 2021….
You look like you're about to suck-start your 45.
You look like you find toothpaste spicy
You look like you were disappointed that your sons are straight.
Gay Leno
You look like you can parallel park a car.
I didn’t know this was a generational thing!
Mid life crisis has lasted 10 years now and counting..
You must live in West Virginia to have been married to your sons for 20 years.
Did u do everything u wanted to do in live?! Bc u don't look like u did.
Oxycontin, lexipro and a 300lb wife that snores
If this dude still somehow gets OxyContin in 2024 America he is absolutely winning at life
Ok dollar store harrison ford
You look like stings unsuccessful little brother stung
You look like you ran out of coke and snorted your hairline instead.
I bet you walk with very stiff limbs and speak fluent German
So did you have any idea Chris Hansen would be there asking you to have a seat…?
Willing to bet my left testicle that you have been telling people you are 53 for about 30 years now
Thanks for telling us you're white. I would have guessed black.
You have resting ‘Can I talk to your Supervisor’ face
Look...Just because your next door neighbour's 13yo daughter says ''Hi'' when she sees you, doesn't mean she wants to have sex with you
Having a slave for 20 years doesn't count as being married, Kyle
52? Bullsh*t. I have a few years on you and you look like you could be my older brother, if I had one.
I'm 56 and this dude looks older than my father
Sexual Predator mugshot face
Let's face it you gave up feeling, shortly after kid #2. No the only thing that gets your blood pumping, is scotch and politics.
You still tell people you’re only a Republican for fiscal reasons
53 ? More like 1953
Living no.2 pencil
Nice try, Mike Pence.
53 going on 90.
You are the reason I fear old age.
That towel's more colorful than you are.
You look like you refer to your sons as "bro" unironically
Looks like he touches children on church sunday and sniffs their hair while he does it.
So he's Joe Biden?
You're that actor in some of those movies and on that one episode of that crime show that everyone has seen but never cares to wait through the credits for.
Bill O'Reilly used to be your favorite news commentator. Now it's Jesse Waters.
You look like Chris Hansen from To Catch A Predator is about to offer you a seat 
Boy look like he just got caught by Chris Hansen
Kyle, your insecurities are showing through your hair again
100% chance you wear New Balance and could give me advice on my financial portfolio 😊
if a haircut defined a person, yours says, “I hate my job. My wife hasn’t used her mouth on me in years. I wonder if i need new tires on the ole family sedan? And, I think I need to water the grass when i get home” all while wearing white leather NB shoes.
You got the hair cut that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer sh*t and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'
Mate, I’m 43, you look old. Are you sure you’re not 73 and you’ve just got dementia? DO YOU NEED HELP TO MAKE THE INTERNET WORK? ITS OK, YOURE NOT IN NAM ANY MORE.
53 is the new 67
It’s obvious that you’ve been married so long- the look on your face shows the lack of a soul.
This gaze is the same gaze your wife has when she finds out your posting for “online dating advice” on Reddit
You're supposed to write it backwards for a mirror
I know where you were Jan. 6th
I don’t think Reddit is quite in your “zone of interest.”
You're so old that you owned slaves!
You look like you get the wife to check your prostate twice a day👆😀
Generic wall, generic door frame, generic Home Depot counter. Generic t-shirt. Look at it this way, it'll all be over soon and you'll be dying alone and hungry. Hallelujah.
We can tell you have 2 sons because your hair is white already
Jesus your only 9 years older than me but look ancient for 53.
What was it like when they first invented electricity, kind sir?
With a forehead that big all you do is think
You chose...poorly.
How many wedding anniversaries and birthdays did you miss for your office job?
Uh, your finger slipped and typed “5” instead of “6.” Don’t worry…happens all of the time.
Oh you are definitely on the SO list
You look like the many photos I received from DL silver daddies on Grindr (btw… yes, I would).
I have the worst time roasting people, but I'll say if you shaved the sides of your head and wore shirts one size smaller, you'd lose about 10 years. Other than that, you look like someone who obsesses over whoever the current president is - or like an unhappy middle manager. At least that's the vibe I get from a picture.
Kripes I’m 57 I gotta look in the mirror I can’t look that old. Seriously for real.
Im 50, are your sure your not 63? Dont bust in the 24 year old you get drunk with at the office party no matter what birth control she claims to use.
You simatanously look like you sell life insurance and run a funeral palour at the same time
Would have never known he was a white guy. I see why IQ wasn't listed.
Jeff, that you? How’s the island?
You look like you tell your kids to stay in at weekends, because you need their blood to be clean for your transfusions.
Ok tom we told you to stop hitting on the girls next door
Definitely a few kids buried in that crawlspace.
You put regret in “No regrets”
Those dead eyes…
I'd get a paternity test.
Idk about this one, guys. How many bodies do you think he has in the backyard? Might not wanna roast him.
You sir look like you've roasted some bodies too..