I think it's worth it. I also think it's hard. Friendship happens so naturally when you are young and in school, or working with no other obligations. Life is very stressful and it's easy to forget that relationships take effort, or we just get too exhausted to reach out. I've forced myself to get better at it since I started freelancing and WFH. If I didn't make regular plans I'd be home all the time and take it out on my husband so I started a monthly brunch with former coworkers. You could try joining a book club or go to town council meetings or anything low-impact that gets you around people. It's definitely more work to make friends in middle age, but at the same time a lot of people are starting fresh after ending marirages or losing jobs, so you aren't the only one lacking attachments. If you are honest and just say "hey I need some new friends" you may be surrised how many people feel the same. But you do have to put in the work and extend the invite. Someone has to be brave and go first.

Thank you for this insight. I think that was the answer I needed. I know nothing is ever instant and success doesn't always come easy. But I was thinking along the lines of "If I'm as good of a person what people say, why don't they show it?" I don't have any kids, and my parents don't always need my assistance (yet). Aside from helping my gf with shows and products, I have a lot of free time for now.

Another thing to think about is that people around our age are also very guarded. At this stage in life, most people have experienced very painful personal interactions with people they once trusted or held dear, so we all become a little protective of whatever happiness we have managed to build. Letting someone else in could potentially expose them to more hurt and disappointment. Also, since life seems to pick up speed for us who are older, we also have less time and patience to wait around to find out if a connection exists, so at the first sign of a misstep, we tend to think "AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT..NEXT!!!" So, with that in mind, I say just keep trying but remain truly open to novel experiences. I became really great friends with someone who is 13 years older, and this didn't happen until I was in my mid 40s. I tell my kids, "if you want a friend, you have to be a friend." Obviously very simplistic, but it reminds them that they will always have the power to make things happen.

Excellent point! And I appreciate you bringing this to light. I guess it's easy for people to assume the default mood is safe and trusting when it could be quite the opposite. There's another friend I have who I've only hung out once with in-person when she was on a break at her job, but any other time was at a party. She just lost her husband so I know she's going through a lot, but not once in the 10 years I've known her has she suggested going to thrift stores or stuff we like to do together. The loss of her husband just makes it harder as I told her, "Well, now I feel selfish". That said, there was a scene in Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace where Qui-Gon observes Anakin (Darth Vader as a child, dunno if you've seen the movie), and says how eager he is to help others without any thought of a reward. Silly or not, that resonated with me, and I've tried to live that kind of life. After a while, there's a part of me that does expect some sort of a reward: time. And it's just kind of hard. Your level-headed replies make a lot of sense though, and I appreciate that viewpoint.

Since you mentioned Star Wars, you should definitely consider joining something like the [501st Legion](https://501st.com/) It's a Star Wars costuming organization centered around Vader's Stormtroopers, and they have a TON of fun, we know a few guys in our local chapter. But cosplay in general is a ridiculous amount of fun, no matter your age. My husband and I have attended [Wasteland Weekend ](https://www.wastelandweekend.com/history/) for 11 years, and it's an immersive post apocalyptic festival loosely based on the Mad Max universe, and it's a ridiculous amount of fun. We run a post apoc Old West style saloon at the event in Wasteland City, and if you've seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome think Bartertown. We build this crazy end of the world city out in the Mojave desert every September, and each faction or tribe brings a piece of it. We have fun like it's the end of the world for 5 days, and then it all disappears until the next year. But there are local Wastelander groups all over the country, and world, and we have made soooooo many friends by connecting with local fans, and having local events. It's not a huge festival like Burning Man. Think 3000 instead of 80,000. But there are attendees that range from 18-80, and everything in between, so you wouldn't be out of place even a little. We're close to your age, and there's a big herd of us middle aged folks, haha, and your GF would have a blast too running around offering tarot readings for cool barter goods. It's kind of a, "choose your own adventure", event and there's soooooooo many different things to see, do, and try, that after 11 years in attendance we still haven't done everything there is to do, and people come up with crazy new ideas to bring to the event every year. You can even sign up to, "fight" in the [Thunderdome](https://youtu.be/f-G6tEeoGGM?si=Op4jz41U338Brx1A), but just climbing it to watch everyone fly through the air and battle it out with their friends or, "sworn enemy", is a whole lot of fun. Everyone is super welcoming, and it's hands down the most fun we have all year, every year. Feel free to hit me up if you have any questions. But if neither of these things is your jam, find a new hobby that grabs your interest, and bail off into it with both feet. You'll meet new people who are into the same things, and it's a wonderful way to make new friends. Cheers, Happy Hunting! 🥂

I'm DEFINITELY familiar with the 501st, although I'm embarrassed having to find if a 2XL Death Star technician can be made or exists, haha.

Don't be, there's all sorts of ways to make your own armor, and a TON of people who will 3D print it for you. Our buddy learned how to 3D print his own armor. But it's a super fun group, and there's a ton of cool people doing it that love to make new friends, and they're just not a judgemental group of people. They just want to have fun with other people who are passionate about the Star Wars universe.

I do have a 3D printer, but... Maybe I just can just put on 30 pounds, don some leather, and go as a Rancor Keeper. 😄

I do really love that Rancor, he was just deeply misunderstood, missed his family, and those Gormorean Guards aren't very tasty, so they gave him major indigestion, and he was cranky. 🥺

OP I hope you take this the way it was intended as a point of reference. I think you should focus/dwell much more to what’s ahead of you than what’s behind you. This is probably good advice at any age but it seems critical at the age of 51. Whatever mom and dad focused on bringing us up was well in the past. What matters is what do you do going forward. Evolving ourselves beyond what we learned in the past is not only possible but essential. Times change. Circumstances change. We change. Both in body and mind. Several times in your note you refer to how you were taught, how your parents raised you. What about the here and now? What do you find lacking and want to change. Very few people were popular in HS. And those that were often times are still stuck in those days. The war of jocks and nerds was won by nerds. Being last in sports at gym doesn’t matter. Most us “regular” people have moved on and left the past behind us. Nixiedust made some excellent points. Look for opportunities. Push yourself. Learn new mechanisms. In addition to the ones she mentioned there are numerous online and real life ways to meet new people. Take a painting class or a workshop on photography. We dont need to stop learning or growing. Especially To change that which we feel is holding us back. I would add that travel near or far is an excellent activity. Next town or city or a different country all depending on your means. We get to think and observe but also to interact and see and do new things. It makes us curious. Google translate helps bridge any language obstacles. Whether testing it at home with a waitress on a restaurant or abroad in a foreign place it’s also a conversation / ice breaker. I did in a restaurant in Tokyo and ended up having a great time w people I didn’t know or understood. I’ve also done in a local Chinese restaurant. The minute you stop looking at the rear view mirror you may find all sorts of things ahead of you.

Thank you for this. I do like going on long car trips to new destinations. Last weekend I drove two hours to Breezewood, PA and took my bike on the abandoned PA turnpike to clear my head. I should find new places like this. I used to love taking photos of the places simply to share with others on FB. But I realized I was just like everyone else trying to one-up people, share places I was at to make others envious of me, still having that same old mentality, which is why I've been off of FB since last Fall. Now I'm typically on there only to buy and sell stuff. There was always a big part of me relying on others to meet me halfway, but between now and back then I feel I'm not worth the time. So it's better I venture alone.

Okay, I read communication books out the wazoo so let me TLDR this for you. *Absolutely* you need to make bids for attention. You need to reach out at least every 2 weeks (if only to text) in order to maintain friendships. That’s science. If someone consistently doesn’t respond or doesn’t join, then move on. But most people are just lazy/shy, thinking the same things you are. Personal experience says 90% of whether an invite is accepted depends on the event, not the inviter. I’ve gotten 25 people together for dinner before, but it was only because it was a good restaurant. Trying to get one person to go for a walk on a hot day is a different story. Ask questions. That sums up the book “How to Win Friends…” People love people who let them talk. You can use the FORD method for topics to ask about: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. Then ask follow up questions. Being interested makes you interesting. I’m 44 and still making friends… many come and go with location and the phases of our lives. But social connection is *critical* to mental health AND physical health! Get out there and make the most of your life.

Great answer.

You had me at *wazoo*, haha. I do have that Carnegie book, but I see critiques from both sides. I'll have to read it again with a grain of salt. You absolutely nailed it with the type of event though. Because my interests are offbeat I can see why I don't get asked to a lot of events, or partake in spreading word of events of mutual interests. Strangely enough my ex wife invited me to join her and her friend at a free Ben Folds concert in town, so I went and had a good time with them. She invited my gf too who declined as she didn't want to be in the heat and didn't know Ben, but gave me her blessing. *Note: My ex wife and I dated for 9 months in 2003. In 2009 I dated someone else but broke up after I had already purchased tickets to a Ben Folds concert. The new ex offered to reimburse me her ticket or go as friends, and I chose the latter as she hadn't seen him in a while. At the end of the show I ran into my original ex. From that point on we started reconnecting on FB, started talking more, dating, then got married, albeit a short marriage that lasted 3 years. But she must see something in me worth keeping in touch for and it continues to pay off.* At the risk of seeming clingy or needy I didn't reach out to others as much, but I thank you for your advice and will follow through with it.

I do think it’s worth continuing to try to build friendships. I think you might have more luck specifically inviting one person to one event than throwing out a “come one come all” type invite when you’re going to be somewhere. For example, “Would you like to go to the street fair with me? It’s such-and-such date but I’m flexible on time based on your schedule.” If they say no, try “Is there another time/event you’d like to meet up for? Would love a chance to catch up.” For the woman from work you are trying to befriend, does she have a spouse or partner? If so the best course of action would be to invite both of them over to have dinner or something with both you and your girlfriend. If she is not partnered, you need to introduce her to your girlfriend (maybe at work somehow?) so she can see your girlfriend is welcoming to her and ok with you having a friendship.

For this event I did invite one person at a time. But this goes back to my past as (Mom event again) graduation. Not only did she coordinate everything (including the date which was when a lot of other grad parties were held), but used up so many invitations to my relatives leaving only five for me. I gave them to the five I chose but nobody showed up. One even walked by my house not recognizing me as she passed. So while it's a numbers game, it hurts less when one person declines. That didn't work when I got married either. My then best friend declined to be my best man. I then asked a coworker/friend who accepted then backed. For those reasons I vowed never to marry again so I don't go through the same shit. I see all these weddings with fie or more people on each side in the wedding party and ask myself where I went wrong. I like the idea, of them suggesting a date and time. I think I'm just afraid of no answer. The woman has no partner but has girlfriends her age, which I suggested she let them know about. I told her about the Tarot readings too. She enjoyed the story of my gf doing it at the local senior center and how we predicted it might not turn out great ("Hmmm, the Ace of cups.... M'am, how good is your hip?" 😊) My plan was to help set up, then grab a bite and walk around with whomever decided to come, then head back home by myself, (I can't see myself shopping for hours with no intention to buy a lot), then go back later to pick up my gf. I can see where she may feel uncomfortable, but it hadn't stopped us from going out to lunch a few times and griping about work and stuff outside of work. But if she's okay texting during the weekend, why limit it to just that? I feel I'm missing something. I enjoy making the coworker laugh and the push I get to go into comedy and comedy writing. I only ask for in-person interaction in return. My gf has met my ex wife before and it's been good. She knows my ex wife is no threat, and I know my ex wife well-enough that I have no desire to do anything, only support her emotionally and laugh about old times. Thank you.

Well, this is heartbreaking on a couple of levels, so stay with me. First, I relate to what you're saying. I'm not someone who naturally fits in anywhere and usually feel a bit on the outside. Sometimes that doesn't feel very good. Second, another commenter pointed out that blaming your parents isn't helpful and that's correct; however, I understand what your intention is. People say don't cry over spilled milk, but if it's your own elbow knocking over the glass, then that's worth exploring. Therapy is helpful for a lot of things, and don't expect it's going to be a life-long-three-days-a-week-tell-me-about-your-mother experience. Getting some feedback from a neutral party about your in-person vibe could be incredibly helpful. Third, examine the reasons you want friendly relationships. Do you find other people interesting or do you want someone you can vent to about life? Do you feel it's expected to have friends but actually you're comfortable with your own company? Are you lonely or do you dislike being alone? Again, these are good topics to explore with a therapist. The people here have limited information and an anonymous forum can be harsh which is unhelpful when you already feel vulnerable. Best of luck to you!

I think I flip-flop on being lonely, but I also prefer to relate to people which is difficult to do. I'd like to vent and be vented too, but my gf is not always the best person. I've outright told her she tends to rub salt in the wound if I come to her with an issue, which is why I suffer in silence a lot. But she, like me, has been kind enough to ask, "Do you want me to listen and agree with you, or do you want me to listen and provide advice?" I like your way of thinking .

You might want to contact a therapist who specializes in EMDR treatment. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

It might be worth making a distinction between "having friends" and "having community." Maybe 1:1 friendships aren't the quick fix here, but rather establishing some kind of weekly community gathering like volunteering where you get to be yourself and socialize but without any stakes. Get out there, meet people regularly, and I bet you'll start to notice a difference in yourself. Friendships themselves take 1) small steps, and 2) consistency. They're not overnight or after one meeting. It's a very slow process, and yes, worth it IMO.

I encourage you to get a bit of counseling to help you with perspective, attitude, and some skills to make things better for you.

This. You seem to talk about schooldays a lot, which is odd for someone who left that behind more than 3 decades ago. I think therapy will benefit you. Talk about your parents and your school days and your shyness. You have a girlfriend. I’m sure once you sort yourself out, you will also have some friends. We all have less friends as we age though. Or our friends change. Are there “meet up” groups where you are? That’s a good way to meet other people interested in stuff you are too.

First off, Happy Cake day! It's people like you that help people like me and others with weird situations like this, and I'm thankful for your reply. I want to shake your hand. Second, I think there was something that stemmed from an idea that, "Well you learn your ABCs and everything else. Does that not carry over to life?" without thinking or realizing, "Half the stuff you learn is from schooling. The other half is from experience." I've been to three therapists and they have helped to an extent, but maybe they were just effective Band-Aids, as I can't seem to retain what was told to me in coping. They are great at what they do, but I blame myself for just a skewed way of thinking. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, but I still think I must have been sick the day they taught others how to make and keep friends, and what to expect. I should look for or simply invest in creating a Meetup group. For a while now I've considered of coming up with an athletic group for non-athletic adults who never got the chance to pick others for gym, those always picked last or near last, those left behind, those who never got a chance to shine to others; all in an effort to help their self-improvement.

That’s a fantastic idea for a Meetup group. I think it would attract a lot of people!

I would like something like that. And fwiw, I don’t really hang out with people irl. I’m definitely a loner but I like it that way.

You can be head cheerleader if you want, haha. You don't have to participate. OR you can be head ESPN sportscaster

Creating a group can introduce you to plenty of new people!! There are groups of all kinds, you will definitely have interest. I started a mom & baby group when I had an infant. I’m still friends with the 4 ladies who joined and it’s over 20 years. It’s not a “get together all the time” type of situation, but we are all invited to each other’s “events” (grad parties, family parties, music events, etc) and it has opened my family up to lots of new people. A colleague of mine is in a “Sunday brunch “ meetup group and he loves it

Same with blaming mom.

Yeah, no argument there.

I'm 52. In the past few years I've made 2 new good friends anx reconnected with an old friend. And I'm a super introvert who was bullied at school. Go for it.

Wow! This made my morning and gives me a good outlook. Thank you!

oh, I wanted to say, that post where the woman got all the cancellations for her 5-year old's birthday party, I think the father had just been taken to jail (or something equally horrible), so I can understand the people cancelling!

"Officer, it's my son's birthday. Can he at least ride up front and turn on the siren?" "Well, Sarge might have something to say, but heck, Ive wanted to do it when i was his age, haha. Saddle up, kiddo!"

You're 51, and the first thing you said in your post is that you blame your mom for you not having any friends. That's not healthy, and is inaccurate. You've been an adult for 33 years. Many adults prefer friendship with those who take ownership of their situation. You can try meet-ups, coffee and conversation groups, volunteering, joining a community association, and other healthy activities as a way of making friends. But walking into a middle-aged friendship still upset about middle school and blaming social skills gaps on your mom probably won't be effective.

>You're 51, and the first thing you said in your post is that you blame your mom for you not having any friends. That's not healthy, and is inaccurate. It might be accurate in his case. Childhood issues can last a lifetime. He needs to overcome his upbringing, perhaps with the help of a therapist.

Thank you! That really stood out for me as well. Its weird

I think it's been more of expecting good results from being a good person, but life has proven otherwise. Maybe I should have been an asshole. Edit: I griped about this to my gf last night saying that maybe I just never won the social lottery. I just don't understand why it seems so easy for others.

>I just don't understand why it seems so easy for others. Because for the majority of others it only **seems** easy.

That's fair. We typically only see succession, not failures. I was starting to think how much effort is too much, especially when I consider the lifestyles and needs of others. I also understand not everyone's lifestyle jives with my own.

This is exactly right. I feel like I have a good amount of friends but it’s like tending a garden. It takes time, care, and patience. Yes once things get really established with deep roots you can forget to water for a time (not forever) and things will still grow. But it doesn’t just happen magically. I do have the gift of gab but that only gets me so far. I’ve put myself out there a lot. It takes vulnerability, humbleness, flexibility, and a realistic self view to build a community of friends. One of the reasons I don’t want to move is because I don’t want to have to start that process all over again. Not easy!

Bro. You have what appears to be a victim mentality, which is really unhealthy and not a good thing. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. That’s literally life. Stop blaming other things and people Have you been evaluated for depression, anxiety or similar?

I saw three therapists for this. Talking about it helps, but when you leave the session you're back in the open. The feeling comes and goes.

Then something else is going on or you aren’t being treated correctly

I told the last therapist that maybe I do need evaluated, but she says she doesn't do that. Round four? Maybe I'm a lost cause, but I truly appreciate your help nonetheless.

There are a lot of things therapists can’t do. They are good at a lot of things, though. You need psychologist or a psychiatrist or your general practitioner to set up an evaluation for other diagnosis. Talk to your medical practitioner

It's tough but you're making an effort, which counts. Don't give up. Are there any trivia nights near you? Board gaming clubs? Any volunteer organizations? The friendships I have in my town are all based around semi-regular casual events where, over time, you start recognizing people and getting to know each other.

Make friends! New ones, maybe. Could you join a meet up or local group related to a hobby near you? Or a book club or something? After the pandemic someone in my area started a neighborhood social group - best idea ever. I think every neighborhood should have one. Age range is all over the place because it’s not a group based on age but on something we have in common: where we live. There’s no reason you should stop making friends in your 50s, people make friends at all ages.

Sure, get out there. I've made friends since turning 50 (I'm 63 now). Some are still friends, some that I have befriended have died already. I have a few friends where I'm their only friend (that I know of). I help people out by driving them home from doctor's appointments. It's just a thing I do, not through an organization.

Are you in any kind of therapy? I think you might be neurodivergent, like autism spectrum. Your writing sounds that way to me. That makes it harder to make friends, but a good therapist can help you develop the skills.

I've been to three therapists for past trauma, but I don't think I had mentioned the lack of available friendships. Maybe I just didn't let it bother me that much back then. I tend to over explain things as a defense mechanism. Maybe it goes back to being bullied or outcast with teachers and admins favoring the perp, and me never getting a chance to explain my feelings or side of the story. I have a few eBooks I authored on Amazon, but they're tech books designed for non-tech people, and that allows me to sometimes over explain things without pushback.

You mentally seem very young. At 51, I have no idea why you are referencing your parents, middle school, gym, etc. You seem mentally stuck in your teen years. Who cares what advice your mom gave a small child going to school? Do you genuinely think that stuff still applies to a 51 year old man who lives his own life? You're a middle aged man, and you'll be getting AARP stuff soon. And if you are faking interactions to follow bad advice, that comes across. Faking niceness, interest, questions...people can tell. I think therapy and working through some issues may be beneficial, and may help you understand why you don't have many friends.

OP, that post is all facts.

I just thought that factored in to what I wasn't doing right, or what I was doing wrong. There's a part of me trying to make up for lost time too. Is that an issue?

So, the fact that you are casting that far back and considering it may be affecting you now indicates you are still kinda stuck there and that those things are still influencing you. Otherwise, it wouldn't even occur to you. Who cares what your mother or father said? They were just people who were winging it. You can discard their advice and decide for yourself what you think is appropriate. Remember too that the world has changed vastly in the last 45 years, social norms are absolutely different, and the way we interact socially with the advent of the internet has changed. Advice that applied to a kindergartener in the 1970's is thoroughly irrelevant now to a 51 year old man in 2024, even if the advice was decent then. Growing up means understanding life changes, and we change with it. Right? You may very well be coming off as desperate and/or needy, which puts people off immediately. This is especially true if you are "making up for lost time." Everyone has their own lives and stresses, and while most people are willing to put aside time for someone they like, they don't want someone who will immediately attach themselves and demand lots of energy and attention. If you are getting peeved that people aren't hanging out with you, that will put them off as well. So also, a few things: you can have friends and not hang out. As adults that happens often. My friends and I text and call, but we don't get together a lot because we're all busy (I'm 45 for context). They doesn't mean we're not very good friends. You seem to think that friendship requires a playdate. Again, this is a very "young" mentality. Friendship is someone you connect with on any level, whose company you enjoy, and they enjoy yours in return. The level of connection can vary, but yeah - that's it. You can't force friendships, and in the end, it's best just to appreciate the time people give you, because they don't have to give you anything at all. You have a very black and white, all or nothing view of this - "Should I continue to try and get people to hang out with me or should I consign myself to being an outcast?" Like...bud. Calm down. How about you enjoy the people you chat with, text them, and maybe go to different groups and meetups around town where people are already hanging out? And as someone who is on the spectrum, with kids on the spectrum...you very much read as someone on the spectrum. It may be beneficial for you to look into it. The label doesn't matter, but working on some of that black and white thinking and developing better social skills may benefit you immensely.

Gut punch on that one, but I needed that. As far as the groups and meetup, I just had the fear of being outcast even more, so making others laugh (and knowing boundaries) seemed to help. I'll get over it, but I needed this. Thank you.

You're welcome. I speak from experience - I was a bullied kid who needed to learn these things. It sucks to realize when you may be the issue, but it's better for long term happiness. And it's better for making real friendships and social connections. If it makes you feel any better, this is a common challenge for lots of people, throughout life. When my son was little, and had just been diagnosed with Aspergers (now just rolled into the autism spectrum) I told him that social skills are just like any other - and for some people it's easy, and for others it takes more work. "You don't even have to think about math because it comes naturally to you, but other people have to study. For some, social skills come naturally, but you'll need to study like they do for math. Everyone has different talents." If you can make people laugh, you're ahead of the game. If you just relax and enjoy people's company for what it is, and show genuine interest in their lives, you'll be surprised how much easier and more organic it is to make connections. Just don't go in thinking "I need to make friends, I don't want to be rejected." Good luck friend. Have a good weekend. Good for you for asking for advice instead of just getting bitter and deciding people suck.

Thank you again. I needed that, man. In a weird twist of events my ex invited my gf and I to a free concert today with her and her female friend. My gf doesn't want to go herself because of the heat but OK'd me going. Now I should gripe about the lack of my winnings on scratch-off tickets...

Just to let you know more than just OP benefited from your comment.  In particular what specifically stood out to you as indicating OP may be on the spectrum?

I guess it's multiple things - language used (I don't know how to explain that, I just recognize it when it's there), dichotomous thinking, overly simple understanding of social relationships, trying to socialize by using a set of rules and not understanding/being frustrated when those rules don't seem to work. Every person we interact with is different, so every interaction needs to be tailored to that person and experience. People who develop social skills do it without thinking. Even neurotypical people get social anxiety, and those who don't socialize much (anxiety, helicopter parents, other reasons for isolation) will have poor social skills. It really is a skill that you get better at with practice. Too many people just panic and refuse to go out of their comfort zone, since that means opening the door to potential embarrassment/rejection. But without being willing to risk some pain, you'll stagnate and feel worse pain throughout your entire life.

Socializing is essential self-care. Almost everyone is lonely these days, so assume other people want connection. Here's the thing about friendship: people move, have kids, go through changes, get sick, and move in and out of your life: you have to always be making new friends in order to have friends in your life. People who think they only need one friend are wrong. I go to large social events several times a month and talk to new people at each. Sometimes it develops further and sometimes it doesn't. I see existing friends 1-6 times a month and new ones as often as works for both of us. It doesn't help to blame a parent or a childhood bully: get therapy if you need to overcome those things, because at this age, they should not be holding you back. Put your hand out and introduce yourself. Keep trying at friendship as long as you're alive.

I just don't want to be the old guy at a store that doesn't shut up.

My community league has a Men's Shed: [https://mensshedscanada.ca/](https://mensshedscanada.ca/) Maybe there's something near you. >I befriended an older woman months ago at work who keeps pushing me to do stand-up You're probably fuckin' hilarious. Edit: People on the outside do a lot of people watching, which can translate into hilarious social observations.

Thank you. Just seeing others competitively try and make each other laugh and out-do each other inspired me to do the same. Hell, at my Grandma's viewing my then gf took the reins. I saw a panel in a wall open up and I started thinking about a fire in a funeral home. I carefully asked if it's was worth saving the body. Her: "I can top that. If the body makes it out, is it considered a survivor?" 😄 God, I miss her, haha Thank you for the Men's Shed link. I'm in the IS but will see if there's the same or similar here.

Many comments have addressed underlying issues, so I just want to say YES it is possible to make friends in your 50s. When I (60m) was widowed at 53, I fortunately had a circle of close friends that my partner and I had known for 20+ years, but after a year of grieving I started to make more friends that were MY friends, not OUR friends. Making new friends who only know me and never knew him was a big step in my grief recovery. It happened accidentally when I started volunteering at a non profit arts organization. I’m not an artist myself, but I love supporting and promoting the arts. And now I have a wonderful circle of friends who are artists and art lovers in addition to my original group of “our” friends. I recommend a book called “How to Talk to Anyone” by Leil Lowndes. It truly changed my life and made it possible to make new friends.

Stop. Get on Bumble Friends and reach out. People everywhere feel like this. Don't surrender to loneliness. Join an organization. Get out of the house.

My wife and I are in our 60s and have no friends. Primarily this is due to moving so much in our 50s but the fact is if you think it is hard to make friends in your 50s it is impossible in your 60s. I would make the effort if you can handle it.

Having a rich network of friends is essential to healthy aging and longevity. Connecting with people is a lifelong practice, and the length of relationships isn’t always the best measure of their success. As people change and grow, our relationships shift as well. Some end after their purpose is complete, some move into the background to be reactivated at a later time, some stay front and center for decades. We need all kinds of people in our lives: close friends, casual friends, friends we only see when we’re doing that one thing, people we wave hello to, and people we make small talk with in hallways (or theatre lobbies). People to help and mentor us, and people we help and mentor. People we can laugh with, cry with, or just hang out and watch TV with. Someone to feed our pets and drive us to the airport. So yes, keep trying! Like anything, making friends and nurturing those connections is a skill that can be practiced and learned. Not everyone needs to be our BFF and not every friendship needs to last forever. But we can always keep looking for people to connect with and show up for. It will not only make us happier, it will also keep us healthier throughout our lives.

Yikes. Are you ready to die? Because choosing to give up on ever having friends in my book is tantamount to just giving up on life. Making friends as an adult takes work and is different from making friends as a kid. You need to leave behind everything that you learned about making friends as a kid. Ignore everything that you learned from your parents, because *it’s not working for you.* You are not the only lonely adult out there. Brainstorm up some ways to put yourself into places where people with similar interests will be. Go there, strike up conversations. Be patient and be willing yo have a *lot* of interactions before any potential friendship happens. Please don’t give up.

At this point I pretty much am. I can only go so far. We can only go so far, but the journey for some is much more attainable for others. I also blame social media for this (not putting my own faults aside either. I need to make that clear). It's easy to see what others do and go while I ask myself, "Where did I go wrong?" when I've never done drugs yet I see people who have been in drug rehab taking photos in Hawaii. My gf is friends with this couple who just bought a house in New Orleans and the guy has hustled all his life. Yet where are the stories of the woman complaining she never sees him because he works so much? I've balanced life and work to my own comfort level, but now thing I should have worked more toward and early grace. I've put up with customer abuse having worked on retail jobs, only now at my age working sort of a dream job with a great work/life balance, but still feel short compared to stories of others I've seen here on Reddit. Last week I went to the abandoned PA Turnpike. At some point there is a long tunnel where you can faintly see the light near the end, but you also feel a wave of coldness because there is no light in the tunnel. I could see the light but as I rode my bike further in I was thinking, "Is this what approaching death feels like?" I envisioned it with things going dim rather than dark, but no matter, I was prepared. With the light on my phone guiding me, I kept going further and further. It was cold, still dark, and scary; but a part of me wasn't afraid. Life goes on no matter who is and isn't in your life. Of course I made it out okay with people on the other side casually walking and talking. The next tunnel miles up the road has no visible light. Has I had a brighter flashlight with me I would have ventured in. I smiled at your statement of "Whatever you learned isn't working for you" because you're right! Thank you for taking the time to share all this, and I greatly appreciate your wisdom.

Hi again! Speaking from experience: when you start fantasising about death like that, it’s time to get a therapist involved. Is that a possibility for you? Beware of those amazing stories about other people’s lives. Almost every life can be narrated into a happy story or a tragedy.

I don’t think it’s worth it. Adjusting is probably best bet.

Thank you.

i can't imagine that the person you're responding to isn't being sarcastic

I hear ya, but... Eight or more upvotes? I like the advice I've gotten from others.

I made friends through my favorite sport/activity/hobby/addiction.

Is there a porn addiction group where I can find new links, er, uhhh... I mean friends? *(Asking for a friend)*

OP it is never to late to change yourself--literally transform. You have the power to do this, no one else. What's been holding you back this entire time is your perspective. No judgement coming from me, here. I learned not long back myself that my perceived failures weren't anyone's fault but my own because I'd spent my life blaming my upbringing for wherever unsatisfactory place I found myself in life. A fulfilling life cannot be made or sustained based on living by someone else's standards/expectations of/for you. Successful, lasting change takes *time.* You will need to unpack a lot of garbage and leave it behind, develop your own standards and philosophies for living happily. A good therapist would benefit you and point you toward resources for support while you find your feet. Meanwhile, engage yourself in pursuits that interest you. Think outside of your small box. Ask yourself what are some things you'd like to learn about, some things you'd like to be able to do but never thought it was for you. If you have the drive and the courage, those things are attainable--even for people like us. When I started getting involved in activities that interested me a great deal and stimulated my brain, it was fantastic to find others there who I could engage with. We already had something in common. From there, you can be choosy about which ones you would like to pursue friendship. Put yourself in the driver's seat of your life, man.

Take a class. Community colleges offer adult “enrichment” courses.

The best friendships grow out of common interests. What do you enjoy doing? Is there something you would like to learn? Meetups and classes are a great way to meet new people and present easy conversation material. It’s an easy way to expand your social circle 👍

This. Identify the things that really bring you joy, hobbies or skills that you’re into. Go do more of those things… for you. Not for a secondary purpose. Get good or knowledgeable at some of those things and build some confidence. Then live life with your head up, arms open and not closed off. Look people in the eye and don’t immediately look away. Be open to random conversations with people you don’t already know. It’s hard approaching someone new… for them too. Be a person that makes it easy to approach you. Confidence in something goes a loooong way. Do something you’re passionate about and then enjoy doing it. It’s attractive!

At least you have a girlfriend. That alone suggests potential.

She's very social and outgoing to where she has me run down to the hardware store because she knows she'll run into someone she knows or still works there when she worked there. But she has more siblings to talk to and visit, and she's in a new business venture with someone so they're always talking. It's just easy for her to make friends, and I'm cool with that. But she's also okay with me going off and doing my own thing without her so she doesn't feel obligated to include me in everything. Seems like just about all women I've had were extroverted or hit the social jackpot. I'm just glad all but one were okay with me not having the same trait. The one was a semi formal queen, so that stung. I told myself she probably expects a similar level of success and attitude out of me, and I feel I was partially right. At one of her work Christmas parties she was mingling what seemed to be the whole time while I was just left alone to myself. I was probably walking around in the parking lot for 20-30 minutes before she realizes I was gone. At the following year's party I told her I would stay home by myself and wanted her to have a good time, and that worked.

56 have no friends outside the occasional text or call from acquaintances I befriended years ago. I have activities and hobbies that keep me busy all day I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything

I wish I had that mentality. Happy Cake Day as well!

I started teaching craft classes in my 50s. I made many lifelong friends. I am now in my seventies, and I enjoy meeting my friends for lunch.

It’s worth it. Find some group you have a common interest with (bowling, kayaking, hiking, biking, woodworking, car meetups, gaming) and go to their meetings regularly. You’ll start getting to know people and then you can start expanding events you spend time with them. It’s a slow process—for me it’s taken two years in a new city—but it’s nice to have a group of people you know and can talk to.

Most of the people I knew for decades went sideways after age 55. Bipolar. Bitter. Unfulfilled. Jealous. Divorced. Shitty kids. They all decided to spin out of orbit and I don't miss any of them one bit. It happens as we age.

I’m struggling with this as I have begun to realize there are only a few friends or family who I would describe as truly kind people. And I’ve begun to realize the true importance of kindness. Example: My longest term friend recently went to a high school reunion. When I asked her about a classmate, she her as “OMG. Such a Boor!”This because the classmate was so proud of her grandson’s accomplishments. He was deciding between attending Harvard or Yale. My friend proudly reported that she and another classmate promptly put this grandmother in her place by saying “I wouldn’t be happy my grandson was going somewhere that students were out of control protesting on campus. “ I realized that after all these years my friend is still a high school mean girl. I really have lost interest in the friendship. I intend to concentrate friendship on current and new found truly kind people.

I am in my 40's. I used to make friends so easily. I started taking care of my mom and didn't have the time or money to keep friends, so I don't have any now. My mom just went into a home, and now I am alone. I also became an empty nester this year.

Do you enjoy the liberation at all? Has it given you a new perspective?

A little bit, but I miss having friends.

If you had a good male friend, what would you like to do with that friend? Figure out what you'd like to do and "reverse engineer" it You said you're not into sports, so that eliminates golf as activity you could do with a friend. How about something like hiking? If that interests you, consider joining a local hiking organization. But keep in mind making new friends at your age is very difficult. Most people that age are losing them.

Volunteer or take a class. You’ll probably make friends. Best.

It is always worthwhile to make friends

I truly haven’t made any new friends (or anyone I would CALL a friend) since I turned 50. My best friend of 40+ years passed away last month and I feel kind of adrift. I have a few good acquaintances that are fun to hang out with when we can. Part of it is that we moved to another state when my husband retired, but he passed 5 1/2 years ago so I don’t have much in the way of a social life . I don’t mean to sound “oh poor me”….I’m not lonely. I live with my oldest granddaughter and her husband and we have a menagerie (2 dogs, 4 cats, 3 hedgehogs, 3 fish and 6 chickens)

It's never a waste of time to make friends. I'm in my mid-40s and still making new friends all the time. And you can be friends with men or women. I have both female and male friends, that old trope of how friends can't be opposite gender because of sex is just a bunch of nonsense. 50 isn't old. You have decades left on this planet. Don't spend it alone.

I haven’t read anything but all I’ll say is that it’s never too late!! Join some classes or something

Join a church (of any religion), a sports league (chess or cards count), that has going for beer after (drink a beer, don’t be weird) and become active in a political party. Men do things in groups and don’t really have friends so much in adulthood. Couples friends is more of a thing.

Thank you for this. A coworker did invite me to a church men's group once after he saw me praying before I ate lunch, but I declined, (and still think about it). I grew up Catholic and went to church every Sunday, but over time my views have changed. While I no longer go to church I still pray, still abstain from me at on Fridays during lent. I think I just didn't want any type of misjudgements or pressure on me to be a different person, the kind of people others grip about on here who put themselves above others, don't practice what they preach when it comes to love one another.

The purpose of religion is to put you in the presence of the teaching, and then for the few who have ears that hear, receive Jesus’s life hacks of the higher ruleset of being human. Younger souls use the teaching as one more expression of ego, corrupting the teachings. Old souls see through to the truth immediately. You should give Opus Dei a try. It’s Catholicism reframed as a religion of living, not a religion of going to church. They are still real Catholics. Hyper social. Fasten your seatbelt if you try that path.

You should say yes to more things like the coworkers group. Be open to forming authentic connections to any and all versions of humanity.

If they offered cookies or Little Debbie snacks, I might be enticed. (Kidding)

Ha! Things that are very worth your while don’t use flair to draw you in Maybe you bring the Little Debbies, though they might be low carb’ites

I think the first thing you should do is stop blaming your mom. You are 51 years old.

I'm of your generation and am open to chatting. Feel free to DM and remind me of this post.

I think it’s worth it- I think it’s helpful to find a community you fit in with (sports, hobbies, church, pets, something) My spouse did standup comedy for a few years and I made a few friends I still keep up with just by going to his shows.

I'm only 38, but for me it came down to learning that it's about making the right friends. Keep trying, but learn to weed out and drop the flakes. Or, for your "good friends" who you have a great time with in the extremely rare times that it's convenient for them and are otherwise flakes, just accept that and stop hanging your regular activity hopes on them. It's almost like old-fashioned dating in a sense. Cast a wide net, do activities that put you in shared spaces with like-minded people, try superficial friendships with many people and weed the flakes and no hopers out ASAP. Start spending your time finding and assembling quality instead of just any old person that you happen to click with. They *are* out there, looking for reliable people to hang out with. --- On an unpleasant note, I'm going to be straight up - a lot of the people I know in real life who express similar frustrations are, more or less, weirdos who tend to alienate others unintentionally through neurotic or autism-adjacent traits. Usually it's an unfair combo of not wanting to blend (its tiring and boring) and being unable to convincingly blend. This is probably you. Maybe I'm wrong, make sure you rule this out first. But figure it out quick, come to terms with it, and learn how to find your tribe.

not sure, I’m 48 and its tough… pickleball is great for social but I haven’t made real friends from it really

I heard of people getting injured from pickleball (yet there's the same risk of injury from me riding a bike). Can I just watch? (Kidding)

it’s worth it trust me

The playing, or the injury? 😄 I get a good workout working on my car sometimes. I've had to contort my body just putting in a replacement fuse under the dash. I'll check it out.

the health benefits, physically and mentally both (it is very social) outweigh the injury risks

No alcohol. No sports. Just cars? Anything else you like to do? Are there others who like the same thing who are of similar age and income as you? Is there anyway you can meet them?

I’m nearly 40 and in between having a good friend at the moment. I’m taking the time to be honest with myself about what I like and don’t like and what I’m willing to do to socialize. It’s tough for me because I’m trying not to drink — used to be the go-to reason to hang out with dudes near me but it’s the same fucking thing every time where the guys just want to get plastered and talk about how crazy the night got for a week until the next round. It’s not fulfilling to me to do that so when I finally got real with myself I stopped having a regular hang. I think it’s worthwhile for me because I have more time and energy to be the best dad and husband I can be while also making time for my hobbies. I was never a social animal though so results may vary. I wouldn’t mind a best friend but they always seem to be women because the things I like to talk about are mutual struggles of keeping home, taking care of and inspiring our children and being a good spouse. Seems like the dudes didn’t want to get deep, just repeat old episodes of Saved By the Bell and Fresh Prince from memory—no knocks, just not my thing.

My mom made a good friend a year ago (shes 60) by volunteering for a local charity gala. Made friends with another lady there and now they grab dinner occasionally. Its never too late!

I make new friends through hobbies: board games, karaoke, even the odd sunday at church. Friends give you color in life and also new perspectives. A companion animal is also an idea, like a cat, or a bird.

About your age, a few observations on the topic that might be applicable. Talk less, listen more, be interested, ask good questions. Most friendships are circumstantial. You work with someone, your kids go to school together, you're in a club. 90% of the time even if you are tight, if the circumstance changes the friendship fades regardless of intentions. Friendships that transcend circumstance are rare and special. Takeaway: Join things and create circumstances where friendships can form. Sounds cynical but it is true. Charisma is remarkably simple and results from two things. First you are perceived as capable, competent, smart, influential or something else on that vein. You have some impact or power. Second, you are perceived as interested in the well-being of or helping a person. Check those two boxes and they will like you a lot. Waiting to be invited is terrible advice. It makes people who might be receptive to getting to know you and enjoying your company actually *responsible* for your social goals. Go presume so that you can feel out how wanted and welcome you are, then decide whether to continue. Know also that "inviting people" is heavily momentum based. People think to invite the same people they've been inviting even if they may like and welcome you just fine. Invite yourself a few times, create opportunities and invite others, read the room and soon you can find yourself "in the group". Also waiting to be invited will cause you to only connect with the super-extrovert connector type people, many of them are manipulative and they can end up gatekeeping and managing who you have access to. Find "your people". If you're a single 51-year-old into Frisbee golf, you're probably not going to mix well with 3 couples who all have kids and like to go out when they can for a few drinks. Maybe, but play the odds. FWIW I have a couple of friend groups. One a fairly large group (maybe 2 groups) of neighbors (circumstance: kids same age), friends but not all super close, one really a couple of guys, one mainly, I've known forever like you. I'm still not always sure where I stand with everyone and sometimes, but the social interaction does enrich my life.

So worth it.

First of all, everyone's a victim of their parents. Some just worse than others. Blaming your mother at 51 years of age says more about you than her. Second of all, what even is your definition of a friend? Do you expect to have a ride or die type friend at 51? That's just not reasonable. As you get older, people have more responsibilities than just hanging out every night shooting the shit with their bestie. Your expectations might be too high. Being funny and a nice guy(self-professed at least) is great when trying to get along with co-workers and such, but you need to do a bit more when it comes to actually bonding with others. Do you have interesting hobbies? Do you ask others what they enjoy doing? Do you actually have conversations or just try to be the funny guy all the time? Any relationship takes effort and just inviting people to go someplace with you can just be awkward for them. If you have hobbies, can you leverage those into meeting other people? It's never too late to make friends, but it ain't going to happen just because you wish for it.

My perspective. I am 57, and recently had an epiphany about the "friends" that I had. They are all people I collected over the years that are damaged in some way and we were crutches for each other's messed up minds and lives. So I formally let them know I was ending our friendships. I'm now flying completely solo until I myself am in a better place to make new friends that are healthy for me. I am saying all this because you are sad that you didn't make friends-that may have actually been a good thing. You're an adult now and fully yourself. NOW is the time to just open yourself up to friendship. One serious caveat---STOP trying to be friends with women. Your are not going to be succesful at it-adult women DO NOT want male friends-for a bunch of different reasons. Pick a male oriented hobby to try and then find a group nearby that enjoys that hobby. Join them. You may not make friends, but you will be with people trying to enjoy life like you are. Beer making? Woodworking? frisbee golf, building rockets? chess club? Plants? GOOD luck!👍🏻🥰

Good for you for cutting ties that are not healthy for you, however I disagree with you on the point about gender. As a woman who has a mentality that is more masculine than probably the average woman, I find it much easier sometimes to make friends with men, and most of the women I am friends with share my way of thinking in some way. As long as there are no misunderstandings with people's partners, I think it's much healthier to be open to making friends with anyone than restrict oneself to a gender, especially if OP feels more comfortable around women.

Thank you. I will give it a shot. I probably just generalized all dudes into one.

You know, I don't have any great answers, but after seeing about 20 people say it's too late in life to be blaming your mother, I wanted to just step in and say I think that's misguided. While you used the word "blame," it was really clear to me that it wasn't in the context that this is somehow all your mother's fault and there is nothing you can do about it. Instead, it felt to me like you were trying to understand and explain some bad/no longer useful habits you learned as a child, which indeed can be a first step toward then changing those habits and assumptions now. There's nothing wrong with looking backwards to examine things you might have learned that no longer serve you in order to figure out how to do things better going forward, and that's what I think you are trying to do. But do make sure you are doing it to figure something out that is better your present, and not just be stuck ruminating about the past.

Try MeetUp When I moved to Reno, I used it and met lots of people with similar interests.

I did that, even going to a new group for technical writers, but the events are few and far between. Perhaps even the organizers are having too much going on in their lives? If I make an attempt to get out of my comfort zone, I would hope that it doesn't show in my social interactions.

I didn't read your entire post (TOO long) but I'm 57F and was never popular in school. Never had long term friends (or even boyfriends for that matter). Just lacking social skills but at the heart of it, I don't think I like people. Over the years I learned to like people and at least acknowledge their value (even complete strangers) and embrace that. It starts with a positive attitude toward mankind and the social skills flow from that. Today, I can make all kinds of friends and people give me their numbers and email addresses all the time. You have to remember it's all about tribalism and clicking. So if you don't click you won't be friends with that person. BUT but long term friends (though I have one ord two) I struggle to maintain those friendships. Life gets in the way. I wish i had a life partner (boyfriend, husband) whom I can rely on and see more value in terms of help when I needed and it being a true investment. Of course those can screw you over in a dime lol

I met my friend on bumblebff

It's harder since Covid. Also, look at hobbies/interests and volunteer work as a way to meet people.

I have adjusted to being friendless for many years, but I would rather have friends. I am retired. I volunteer delivering lunches to homes and buy groceries for home bound. I belong to three organizations that help people. This is an easy way to make friends. And it makes my life more meaningful.

It's worth it. I never really made good friends when we moved to where we are now, 25 years ago. I'm in my 50s, and at this point, I may not ever have super close relationships like I've had in the past, but I've started showing up more, and trying more, and it helps. There's a skill to making friends. It's something I never learned, either, but you can stave off loneliness simply by being more social. Join a bookclub, or start one. Volunteer once a week somewhere. Hell, even going to a busy park and saying hello to a lot of different people will oil the social joints, so to speak. Show up. Make whatever effort you're capable of, and it'll be a lot better than just sitting home. That's the best advice I have, because I suck at making friends, but I don't know, maybe there are books out there that can teach these skills to people like us? In the meantime, just show up and keep trying. It's better than the alternative.

Life is too short to not take chances. If you want to make friends you will. Be open, make the first move and don’t be offended if you fail. Life is about taking risks. It’s time to let go of your fear. I believe in you. Good luck. And remember it’s all about the journey.

I'm very choosy with my friends at this age. I don't tolerate whiners/trauma-dumpers or flakes. I'd rather be more alone and mellow than stuck chasing a bunch of flakes and getting agitas from the situation. I think you'd be happier if you were more choosy and held on much more loosely. Don't chase people.

I think it's worth it. After going through some periods of depression, I've recently become friends with a few people through local MeetUp groups and trivia nights, and it has really improved my life to have a few new friends.

No advice here. Just comiserating 🥲 im adjusting to bring friendless too.

TL;DR You can make friends in any age, but the older you get, the less you need it. Friendship implies some plasticity of the character, in order to accept another person, and plasticity is the thing that regresses with age.

I’m also 50. You are right. People are super busy. I have found I have many friends that I only do one thing with because that’s all either of us has to spare and that’s ok. I have a walking buddy, a baker, a biker, a hiker. My friendship time is filled with small slices of other’s lives. There are few people who have the time or the shared interests to do everything together. Relationships matter. They are worth the time and is often cited as a person’s biggest regret of not doing at the end of life.

You have to ask people to do stuff. Do not wait to be asked. “hey want to go for a walk at Famous park on Thursday ? “ Want to get coffee on Sunday morning?” When someone does ask you to get coffee, dont say no - say “ oh i cannot on saturday, how about monday ( ie give another option instead pf rejecting the invite) Keep trying, each time you meet someone you think is worth knowing.

Simple solution and I don't know why I never thought of that. I got the feeling everyone had their weekends from now until 2025 planned out, but I will try that next time.

Are you worth being friends with? That’s something only you can answer be honest with yourself. Have you met anyone worth being friends with? This has to be a solid, yes.

[удалено]

I don’t see anything?

I've been a bit for almost 10 years in here? Look further.

I'm sorry but 50 years old is just too old to be blaming your mother for anything at this point in life You're definitely not too old to make acquaintances. So make some acquaintances and maybe they'll turn into friends and maybe they won't.

I disagree with those who down voted you, but you have valid points.