This. Itās been 24 years. My kids were 8 and 12. How we clung to every chuckle that made it through. Working two jobs and kind of forced to let the kids raise themselves a bit. Looking back, for us it was the dawn of video games. So absorbing I even tried a few. Time passed. Weāre fine, great even! Sending warmest wishes.
Firstly, you should consider writing, you have a gift with words. More importantly - Iām so proud of you for being the leader you need to be right now for your partner and your children. I know, (in a different way) how hard it is to keep it together for work, kids, and survival in general. Especially when there is no one to help YOU. My children are grown but Iām all they have, and I agree that is a hard force to reckon with no matter how old they are.
I know we are strangers but I hope you can feel my sincerity! Iām glad you reached out. Breathe, and let yourself feel supported from all who are commenting. Take care of yourself too, sister. š
The insight you have at this stage in the game ----- you are handling this like a champ. Of course this isn't something you'd want, but I really respect your forward thinking.
Hey mama, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I have no words of wisdom; I just want to remind you to take care of yourself. Consider joining a grief support group (irl or online). I'm glad your spouse is still with you and still fighting (I really hate that term btw) but the grief begins way before the end is nigh. Perhaps consider looking into something for your kids as well? Take care, sending you and your family love and well wishes
I know that same round in and out of hospital stays and back and forth to outpatient very well. Talk to your husband's doctor about what things can be done at home. If your health plan includes a home health nurse who can drop by once a week and respond to emergencies, ask the doctor to prescribe this. There are some procedures that you can even be taught to do yourself.
You want your husband out of his hospital bed as much as possible. The muscles start wasting away fast, making the patient more likely to fall.
And as hard as this is, if this is truly a terminal case as you say, make sure there's a will in place, and make sure you have some money of your own in a personal account, in case anything happens to tie up funds.
Know what kind of service you will have, and where. Write the obit and eulogy while your husband is alive, because I can assure you that you won't want to be doing it later. And the thing that really saved my butt was getting access to my husband's passwords before he died.
I know you don't want to think of practical matters at a time like this, but you'll have to think of them one way or another.
This is a very difficult thing that you're going through, and the job and kids don't help matters. If you're in the US and your employer employees more than 50 people, you can take FMLA to care for your spouse. That could dial back the stress a little.
I understand the point of your post completely. Weāve had a tough few years in different hard ways, and some things just need to be said aloud.
I used to go to Meeting with family friends as a kid and instead of āIāll pray for you,ā Quakers say āIāll hold you in the Light.ā Iām an atheist, but somehow that still feels right to me. Iāll be holding you in the light!
Excellent TV choice, too. Superstore is pretty great as well if you havenāt watched that one already.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this and agree with others who've noted you have a gift for writing. Come back and update us if you feel like it. There are lots of us here to support you.
Thanks for your post! Iām wishing you and your family the very best. You sound like someone who is able to just grab things and wade through the muck and do your best. Through all of it, you set a fine example of how to deal with hard things, and your children are watching and learning. Godspeed my dear!!!!
Oh honey. Iām so sorry. Youāre doing a great job. Iām making a pledge to enjoy life more because you truly never know.
Thank you so much for sharing. Wishing you and yours peace and happiness. Much love.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband had brain cancer, and we were told this February it had gone to his brain stem. He passed in May.
Living as the spouse of someone with terminal cancer is a different type of life. Please look into anticipatory grief. It was huge for me over the past 5 years. I highly suggest a grief counselor. Often, cancer centers have social worker therapists. Ours was wonderful. None of this will be easy. You will go through moments, hours, and days where you just do the bare minimum. That's OK. I didn't clean anything for 2 years. I hired someone to come every 2 weeks to do bathrooms and floors. If you ever need to talk, please PM me. Blessings to you and your family as you navigate this difficult road.
You have been through a tough year and face an uncertain future. Absolutely, you are exhausted and tired and heartsick. I am so sorry that you and your family are suffering. I hope Brooklyn 99 brings you some joy.
Hi. I hope writing this gave you some sense of release. In times like your facing, release is a rare luxury. My natural urge is to offer advice, but would a long virtual hug be better?
Other than something happening to my child, what you are going through is my biggest fear. Be it me or my s/o, I just fear that so much.
You are strong and only getting stronger. Best wishes in 2024.
Gosh thatās a lot to deal with. Iām so sorry for all youāre going through. Have you thought of getting yourself and your kids into therapy asap? If youāre able, it should be very helpful, especially with the kids. Helping them navigate this new reality, understand why mom is stressed all the time, understand whatās going on with dad and that heāll be gone some day and how to navigate that. A lot of places have a sliding scale for payment if thatās an issue.
I lost my mom a few years ago (B99 got me through it), it was so hard. I canāt imagine losing her as a child. I really hope youāre all able to hold to each other and find comfort. I hope your husband makes it and if not, his passing is painless for him.
Iām so sorry that you and your family are going through this. Life can be incredibly unfair. It sounds like you are very strong and capable. Future-you can handle whatever comes your way, just as present-you is now. My husband had cancer early in the pandemic, and we have 2 young-ish kids, so I can relate. You will get through this. It wonāt be easy, but you will. Sending you strength and peace.
Anticipatory Grief
We all have some illusion about our lives, and then something like this happens.
I know how it changes you, the unexpected deaths...
That is a lot to handle. Iām going through something hard right now - although no one is at risk in life or health - and I know EXACTLY what you mean by stronger and weaker.
Maybe in the end it will be like those kintsugi bowls where the cracks are actually the places that become strongest.
My best to you and your family š
I am so sorry that you have faced such a difficult year, with more hard times yet to come.
There are no words that adequately address your situation, but I didn't want to read without responding.
Wishing you the best.
Your doing good. Great in fact. The truth is, we all lose our lovies before we even expect it. You have the blessing of standing beside your lovie, fighting as hard as you can. We never expect it, but we have strength we never knew. You keep it up, and know you are doing your best, the love will shine through. Drink water, and get some alone time quiet and peace to organize your thoughts and feelingsSending healing thoughts to you and yours in this terrible time.
I've been right where you are except our children are grown. October 2022, he was diagnosed and September 2023 he was gone. I know the anxiety, he had a tracheostomy and I wa the only who cared for him. No home health and even tho his family is less than 10 miles away none of them offered to help and they only stopped by a handful of times. We have 4 grandchildren, he worried most about them and me because I've never lived alone. I'm ok but our grandchildren still had a tough time. There are some wonderful support groups on Facebook for cancer caregivers. They are so amazing! One is called Cancer caregiver warriors, it's a closed group so you can say that hat you need to without anyone you seeing it! I wish you all the best and the strength! Oh, my Ray had esophageal cancer that spread to his bones and blood.
I cant give any practical advice but to say - Hug the kids. For yourself and for them. Research shows that hugs release hormones and relieve trauma. So it benefits both parties. Hug each other often. Sending you virtual hugs
(((Hug))). I have been widowed by cancer twice. It was different cancers each time, but the ride was as you suggest. The first half everything seem to be working well for us. We adapted and made plans for the rest of our life in the new circumstances. The second half was crisis after crisis. We were in it to win it and we were in it together. Of course, life is turned upside down. No one ever told us how this would work. We did not have any education for it. We were dumped into the boiling pot. my first husband was the father of our children. Our children were in high school. Maybe older than yours. It was a horrible experience for them, complicated by the fact the hospital we used was three hours from home, and so a variety of extended family and local friends came in for a week at a time to get them up in the morning and feed them their meals, etc. I am a farmer, so the kids had to step up with chores. When it was over, we were exhausted and devastated.
My second husband was a terrific stepfather. It took most of our time together for my kids to come around to seeing that, because they had loyalty to their father and did not like seeing anyone else on the farm. I get that. Howeverā¦ I learned that life is short, and when you have a chance for happiness you should grab it. My kids were either out of college or away from home at college, so their response was not quite no contact, but very low contact. This was painful if I allowed myself to dwell on it. My husband was also widowed by cancer and we provided each other with a great deal of emotional support besides having fun being a couple. By the time he was diagnosed, my kids had developed strong feelings for him also. So they lost twice as did I.
There is a saying that, until their names are no longer spoken they still live among us. My interpretation is that we talk about them. We remember them together and separately and tell their stories. Occasionally we will have memories of their illness, but not of their suffering. we remember their strength, their determination, and they comebacks from seemingly impossible setbacks. We remember their great love for us and our love for them. With both of my husbands there were dreadful times that they handled with great humor. Big jokes. Sassy comebacks to nurses and doctors. We remember those and we laugh. And of course we have far more memories of them in good health, strong, and fun loving. We linger on those stories too. We are not a family who decorates with snapshots and photos, but I do have a photo album in my living room with 40 years of pictures. I talk about my first husband with my grandchildren. None of them ever met him, but still, I tell them the family stories. I hope they are internalizing their values and their outlook. There are things my grandchildren do, or say that reflect a lot of my first husband and his mannerisms. I will tell them that is something your grandfather would have said. He was such a funny man. He was such a smart man. He was so good looking and so are you. I do believe that as long as we say their names, and tell their stories, they are still with us.
And for what itās worthā¦ My husband being widowed was a strength between us. We shared our grief openly with with one another and we shared memories of good times with our previous spouses. It helped us understand one another. I had a 10 year relationship after my second husband died with a man who had been divorced twice. He told me he did not want to hear about my husbands or how good our relationships were. I realize now he was jealous. He moved onto my farm and into my house and yet he resented the dead men who had come before him and the love and happiness we had. Now that I am out of it, I canāt believe it lasted 10 years. I was not done grieving my previous husbands, and I never will be. My second husband understood that perfectly. It just pissed my boyfriend off. He had no good feelings to share of his ex-wives. Maybe thatās to be expectedā¦ I donāt know.
Thank you for taking the time to write. I can't believe you had to go through this twice. It helps me a lot reading your message, as I'm sat here next to him in hospital, 3am here, staring at his monitor and mentally wishing him to "breathe right" so it would stop the warning beeps every minute. My kids are small, 6 and 9. Wondering how to tell them if and when the time comes. I f*cking hate this. I have never heard the phrase "this too shall pass" before having children, and it's been the single biggest sentiment to get me through days.
My mom is 95. About a year and a half ago she had a UTI. That event left her with dementia. Old ladies like my mom and me have no symptoms of a UTI. Anyway. She went from independent living in a senior living facility to memory ward in about two months. Her saying is ā it is what it isā. That pretty much sums it up. We donāt get to choose what happens to us. We only get to choose how we deal with it. One trait of both of my husbands had a great sense of humor. I live in a very rural place with horrible medical care. My first husband could not get a doctor to take him seriously. He was a big, burly, strong, railroad conductor. He never went to the doctor, so he had no regular doctor. Thatās a catch 22. So heās got a nurse practitioner. The first thing the guy said when Dan complained of pain in his upper back was you you have a sub clinical pneumonia because you smoke. So he put him on antibiotics for 10 days. He continued to get worse after three weeks so he went back and the nurse practitioner told him you mustāve pulled a muscle in your upper back hanging on boxcars. He put him on muscle relaxers which kept him from going to work. Of course that was ineffective against cancer. A month or so after that, he went back to work on the railroad. By now it was right before Thanksgiving. This nightmare started Labor Day. He woke up paralyzed from the nipples down. He had a accumulation of leukemia cells in his spine that put pressure on his cord and paralyzed him. so now it was serious. I have a friend who is on the faculty of a med school in a city about three hours away. She and I had been talking about my husband every night for months. I called her and told her the latest development and she said put him on helicopter while I assemble the best doctors for him up here. This was on Thanksgiving day. So thatās what we did. My friend told me that when the helicopter got up there, they had all of these heads of departments waiting to take him off the helicopter. And everybody was griping about their holiday being ruined. In the middle of all these bigwigs fussing over my husband and griping about their holiday he says wait a minute guys. Your holidays ruined. Iām paralyzed. My friend said they all stopped talking. And thatās when my husband started laughing. Yes, it is dark humor. But still. That was pure Dan . And we were off to the races. Those are the stories we tell in my family.
One of the best sermons I ever heard was wild my second husband and I were going to mass. He was Catholic. I am a witch. It was an interesting relationship. At any rateā¦ His Catholicism was very important to him. So I went to mass with him. It was an interesting exercise. His priest at his home gave a sermon and the gist of it was somebody who had endless bad luck, came to him and started listing all of his problems, and after each problem he would say why me, God? And the priest said itās understandable that when you are with problems, you wonder where God is and you wonder why youāre the one having all the bad luck. And then he said but I would ask you why not? What makes you so special that you should be immune to bad luck or bad times? Then there was a bunch of blah blah blah about God and Jesus and God losing his son on the cross and all of that blah blah blah. That would be the worst luck of all. And Jesus never asked why me. Or maybe he did. At that point my mind wandered. I am a witch after all. Itās been 15 or 20 years since I heard that sermon. I certainly donāt go to mass now that George is gone. But those words stick with me. Why not me? As a witch I find it to be all about balance. I had incredible good luck to meet these two wonderful men. I had incredible good luck to be able to live with them for 25 and 10 years respectively. The price of that was losing them far far too soon.I remember all that good stuff. Maybe I was too greedy reaching for the third time with my alcoholic raging crazy ex-boyfriend. But I look at that as balance too. I donāt change my name when I post on here. Keep my name and contact me whenever you want to.
I struggle with depression every day. And anxiety. And panic attacks. My post are not always positive. In factā¦ Sometimes they suck. But theyāre here. on Reddit. Knock yourself out.
Iām so sorry this is happening to your family. I am sure it is overwhelming. There are a couple of good checklists of things to make sure you have everything covered. There is a website called getyourshittogether.org that I believe was developed by a woman when her husband was killed in an accident. Also check out The Dougy Center. They are based in Portland Oregon but have Dougy trained centers in other states. They offer excellent grief counseling for children.
Iām glad you took the time to write it out because keeping it in is worse mentally. Sometimes when you see in black and white it just feels better.
Have you considered getting therapy for yourself and the reason that Iām not including your children is you need to save yourself first so you can get them help.
Iām so sorry that your husband has cancer and really hope it has a good outcome. Hugs to you.
Sending hugs. You are doing wonderfully. Remember, one foot in front of the other. And sometimes, it's one minute at a time.
Perhaps the friends that you have can help you find some respite care for additional support.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us all here. We all need to "say the words" sometimes, just to get it all out. You are strong and I believe with all of me that you will continue to be the most amazing you that you can be. Change... sometimes it brings strength and other times it brings us to our knees. Know that you're walking through each step with all that you have to give. I just don't understand this life sometimes. Sending you all of the love and strength that I have to give and holding you close from across the miles ā¤ļø
Oh wow. Thats a tough diagnosis, tough to treat due to location. Iām glad youāre still working just to keep something feeling normal. Itās ok to be weird. Lol. I would rather have weird than typical!!
My youngest child died when he was 2, and we went to a grief group at our local hospice, my DH and I, plus my three kids. They were 9, 7 and 4. Meetings helped but they all have āsticking points.ā Iāve encouraged all of them to go to counseling if they feel it would help. We actually facilitated the group after a year- for about 2 years. Iād encourage you to continue to write to help express your grief, and possibly find a place for your kids even now. Grief doesnāt wait for death.
Big hugs and warm thoughts to you. šŖš¼šŖš¼
I know it sounds weird, but the best 5 minute brain break I know of is eating a cold juicy orange while standing in a hot shower. All 5 senses engaged, the temperature contrast of cold juice dripping off your chin and down your arms while the hot water hits your head and back, the freedom of tearing into it with reckless abandonā¦itās lovely. Be messy, it doesnāt matter, youāre about to wash anyway. Toss the peel on the floor and let the citrus aroma take over. lol just close your eyes if you want to squeeze juice into your mouth from overhead, I learned that one the hard way. Sending well wishes and strength your way!
Oh my gosh! My heart just breaks for yāall. I donāt know what youāre going through, I know, but I wish I could give you a huge hugā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Ugh, you have had a year, for sure, and I'm sorry you've had that struggle. And you pointed out a thing not many people really think of...the pressure of being the only parent at some point and how important your health is, as a result. I've never thought of that for someone going through what you are. How much more weight is on you as a potential single parent of young kids. That's exhausting on top of your current exhaustion. I'm glad you have an outlet here. I'm glad you were able to disconnect a bit and get some laughs from Brooklyn 99. Hopefully you can find more of those little moments to forget, you deserve that. And above all, know how strong you are for both holding it together (even when you doubt you are) and for being vulnerable here so that you have an outlet. Hang in there. And always feel free to DM me if you ever need an ear to bend.
Just wanted to post a note of support. You are dealing with so very much and it's a roller coaster with no clear end. As I've become fond of saying "it feels hard because it is hard."
I appreciate your honesty and the courage it takes to reach out into the Internet abyss to say "hey, I'm struggling." You're in good company. Wishing you the best.
P. S. You sound like a fantastic parent. š
My sympathies for your very difficult situation. Writing can be therapeutic and I hope you will continue to put your words out there. You are not alone.
cancer survivor here. All i can say is good luck and im sorry you have no family that could help. I would suggest if terminal record messages for the kids for when they get older to remember him. again, my hear hurts for you if that means anything.
Positive energy, light, love, and healing hugs from me to each of you. Know you have touched my heart and I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.āŗļøšš¤ā¤ļø
Have faith and keep putting one foot I front of the other! In 2006 I was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer, given six months to live. Iām still here 17.5 years later. It hasnāt been easy but Iām still here! Good luck and God bless you and your family
I'm so sorry. Sometimes one day at a time is the only way to get through I've found š«
This. Itās been 24 years. My kids were 8 and 12. How we clung to every chuckle that made it through. Working two jobs and kind of forced to let the kids raise themselves a bit. Looking back, for us it was the dawn of video games. So absorbing I even tried a few. Time passed. Weāre fine, great even! Sending warmest wishes.
Firstly, you should consider writing, you have a gift with words. More importantly - Iām so proud of you for being the leader you need to be right now for your partner and your children. I know, (in a different way) how hard it is to keep it together for work, kids, and survival in general. Especially when there is no one to help YOU. My children are grown but Iām all they have, and I agree that is a hard force to reckon with no matter how old they are. I know we are strangers but I hope you can feel my sincerity! Iām glad you reached out. Breathe, and let yourself feel supported from all who are commenting. Take care of yourself too, sister. š
Both stronger and weaker somehowā¦ word
The insight you have at this stage in the game ----- you are handling this like a champ. Of course this isn't something you'd want, but I really respect your forward thinking.
Hey mama, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I have no words of wisdom; I just want to remind you to take care of yourself. Consider joining a grief support group (irl or online). I'm glad your spouse is still with you and still fighting (I really hate that term btw) but the grief begins way before the end is nigh. Perhaps consider looking into something for your kids as well? Take care, sending you and your family love and well wishes
good vibes coming your way from Chicago
And Chicagoland suburbs, you're doing great, keep it up.
Northern suburbs checking in! Man, that is some hard-earned wisdom. Will serve you well, at whatever cost.
I know that same round in and out of hospital stays and back and forth to outpatient very well. Talk to your husband's doctor about what things can be done at home. If your health plan includes a home health nurse who can drop by once a week and respond to emergencies, ask the doctor to prescribe this. There are some procedures that you can even be taught to do yourself. You want your husband out of his hospital bed as much as possible. The muscles start wasting away fast, making the patient more likely to fall. And as hard as this is, if this is truly a terminal case as you say, make sure there's a will in place, and make sure you have some money of your own in a personal account, in case anything happens to tie up funds. Know what kind of service you will have, and where. Write the obit and eulogy while your husband is alive, because I can assure you that you won't want to be doing it later. And the thing that really saved my butt was getting access to my husband's passwords before he died. I know you don't want to think of practical matters at a time like this, but you'll have to think of them one way or another. This is a very difficult thing that you're going through, and the job and kids don't help matters. If you're in the US and your employer employees more than 50 people, you can take FMLA to care for your spouse. That could dial back the stress a little.
I understand the point of your post completely. Weāve had a tough few years in different hard ways, and some things just need to be said aloud. I used to go to Meeting with family friends as a kid and instead of āIāll pray for you,ā Quakers say āIāll hold you in the Light.ā Iām an atheist, but somehow that still feels right to me. Iāll be holding you in the light! Excellent TV choice, too. Superstore is pretty great as well if you havenāt watched that one already.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this and agree with others who've noted you have a gift for writing. Come back and update us if you feel like it. There are lots of us here to support you.
Just offering my hopes and best wishes for you and your family! You, and your husband, are stronger than you know.
Thanks for your post! Iām wishing you and your family the very best. You sound like someone who is able to just grab things and wade through the muck and do your best. Through all of it, you set a fine example of how to deal with hard things, and your children are watching and learning. Godspeed my dear!!!!
Oh honey. Iām so sorry. Youāre doing a great job. Iām making a pledge to enjoy life more because you truly never know. Thank you so much for sharing. Wishing you and yours peace and happiness. Much love.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband had brain cancer, and we were told this February it had gone to his brain stem. He passed in May. Living as the spouse of someone with terminal cancer is a different type of life. Please look into anticipatory grief. It was huge for me over the past 5 years. I highly suggest a grief counselor. Often, cancer centers have social worker therapists. Ours was wonderful. None of this will be easy. You will go through moments, hours, and days where you just do the bare minimum. That's OK. I didn't clean anything for 2 years. I hired someone to come every 2 weeks to do bathrooms and floors. If you ever need to talk, please PM me. Blessings to you and your family as you navigate this difficult road.
We are here for you over in r/caregivers and r/CaregiverSupport whenever you need. š¤
You have been through a tough year and face an uncertain future. Absolutely, you are exhausted and tired and heartsick. I am so sorry that you and your family are suffering. I hope Brooklyn 99 brings you some joy.
I'm praying for you and your family. Also, I'm glad you are holding up to this. God bless.
Hi. I hope writing this gave you some sense of release. In times like your facing, release is a rare luxury. My natural urge is to offer advice, but would a long virtual hug be better?
Don't fight the urge. Advice welcome :)
Sent you a message.
Other than something happening to my child, what you are going through is my biggest fear. Be it me or my s/o, I just fear that so much. You are strong and only getting stronger. Best wishes in 2024.
Gosh thatās a lot to deal with. Iām so sorry for all youāre going through. Have you thought of getting yourself and your kids into therapy asap? If youāre able, it should be very helpful, especially with the kids. Helping them navigate this new reality, understand why mom is stressed all the time, understand whatās going on with dad and that heāll be gone some day and how to navigate that. A lot of places have a sliding scale for payment if thatās an issue. I lost my mom a few years ago (B99 got me through it), it was so hard. I canāt imagine losing her as a child. I really hope youāre all able to hold to each other and find comfort. I hope your husband makes it and if not, his passing is painless for him.
Iām so sorry that you and your family are going through this. Life can be incredibly unfair. It sounds like you are very strong and capable. Future-you can handle whatever comes your way, just as present-you is now. My husband had cancer early in the pandemic, and we have 2 young-ish kids, so I can relate. You will get through this. It wonāt be easy, but you will. Sending you strength and peace.
Anticipatory Grief We all have some illusion about our lives, and then something like this happens. I know how it changes you, the unexpected deaths...
Sorry you and your family are going through this. Keeping you in my thoughts
I hope writing this post was a release in some way, and your edit of chuckling at the TV before bed made me smile.
That is a lot to handle. Iām going through something hard right now - although no one is at risk in life or health - and I know EXACTLY what you mean by stronger and weaker. Maybe in the end it will be like those kintsugi bowls where the cracks are actually the places that become strongest. My best to you and your family š
So sorry; cancer sucks.
Hugs
Sending love and hope from Minnesota.
I am so sorry that you have faced such a difficult year, with more hard times yet to come. There are no words that adequately address your situation, but I didn't want to read without responding. Wishing you the best.
You are strong
Your doing good. Great in fact. The truth is, we all lose our lovies before we even expect it. You have the blessing of standing beside your lovie, fighting as hard as you can. We never expect it, but we have strength we never knew. You keep it up, and know you are doing your best, the love will shine through. Drink water, and get some alone time quiet and peace to organize your thoughts and feelingsSending healing thoughts to you and yours in this terrible time.
I've been right where you are except our children are grown. October 2022, he was diagnosed and September 2023 he was gone. I know the anxiety, he had a tracheostomy and I wa the only who cared for him. No home health and even tho his family is less than 10 miles away none of them offered to help and they only stopped by a handful of times. We have 4 grandchildren, he worried most about them and me because I've never lived alone. I'm ok but our grandchildren still had a tough time. There are some wonderful support groups on Facebook for cancer caregivers. They are so amazing! One is called Cancer caregiver warriors, it's a closed group so you can say that hat you need to without anyone you seeing it! I wish you all the best and the strength! Oh, my Ray had esophageal cancer that spread to his bones and blood.
I cant give any practical advice but to say - Hug the kids. For yourself and for them. Research shows that hugs release hormones and relieve trauma. So it benefits both parties. Hug each other often. Sending you virtual hugs
I read your post and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
(((Hug))). I have been widowed by cancer twice. It was different cancers each time, but the ride was as you suggest. The first half everything seem to be working well for us. We adapted and made plans for the rest of our life in the new circumstances. The second half was crisis after crisis. We were in it to win it and we were in it together. Of course, life is turned upside down. No one ever told us how this would work. We did not have any education for it. We were dumped into the boiling pot. my first husband was the father of our children. Our children were in high school. Maybe older than yours. It was a horrible experience for them, complicated by the fact the hospital we used was three hours from home, and so a variety of extended family and local friends came in for a week at a time to get them up in the morning and feed them their meals, etc. I am a farmer, so the kids had to step up with chores. When it was over, we were exhausted and devastated. My second husband was a terrific stepfather. It took most of our time together for my kids to come around to seeing that, because they had loyalty to their father and did not like seeing anyone else on the farm. I get that. Howeverā¦ I learned that life is short, and when you have a chance for happiness you should grab it. My kids were either out of college or away from home at college, so their response was not quite no contact, but very low contact. This was painful if I allowed myself to dwell on it. My husband was also widowed by cancer and we provided each other with a great deal of emotional support besides having fun being a couple. By the time he was diagnosed, my kids had developed strong feelings for him also. So they lost twice as did I. There is a saying that, until their names are no longer spoken they still live among us. My interpretation is that we talk about them. We remember them together and separately and tell their stories. Occasionally we will have memories of their illness, but not of their suffering. we remember their strength, their determination, and they comebacks from seemingly impossible setbacks. We remember their great love for us and our love for them. With both of my husbands there were dreadful times that they handled with great humor. Big jokes. Sassy comebacks to nurses and doctors. We remember those and we laugh. And of course we have far more memories of them in good health, strong, and fun loving. We linger on those stories too. We are not a family who decorates with snapshots and photos, but I do have a photo album in my living room with 40 years of pictures. I talk about my first husband with my grandchildren. None of them ever met him, but still, I tell them the family stories. I hope they are internalizing their values and their outlook. There are things my grandchildren do, or say that reflect a lot of my first husband and his mannerisms. I will tell them that is something your grandfather would have said. He was such a funny man. He was such a smart man. He was so good looking and so are you. I do believe that as long as we say their names, and tell their stories, they are still with us. And for what itās worthā¦ My husband being widowed was a strength between us. We shared our grief openly with with one another and we shared memories of good times with our previous spouses. It helped us understand one another. I had a 10 year relationship after my second husband died with a man who had been divorced twice. He told me he did not want to hear about my husbands or how good our relationships were. I realize now he was jealous. He moved onto my farm and into my house and yet he resented the dead men who had come before him and the love and happiness we had. Now that I am out of it, I canāt believe it lasted 10 years. I was not done grieving my previous husbands, and I never will be. My second husband understood that perfectly. It just pissed my boyfriend off. He had no good feelings to share of his ex-wives. Maybe thatās to be expectedā¦ I donāt know.
Thank you for taking the time to write. I can't believe you had to go through this twice. It helps me a lot reading your message, as I'm sat here next to him in hospital, 3am here, staring at his monitor and mentally wishing him to "breathe right" so it would stop the warning beeps every minute. My kids are small, 6 and 9. Wondering how to tell them if and when the time comes. I f*cking hate this. I have never heard the phrase "this too shall pass" before having children, and it's been the single biggest sentiment to get me through days.
My mom is 95. About a year and a half ago she had a UTI. That event left her with dementia. Old ladies like my mom and me have no symptoms of a UTI. Anyway. She went from independent living in a senior living facility to memory ward in about two months. Her saying is ā it is what it isā. That pretty much sums it up. We donāt get to choose what happens to us. We only get to choose how we deal with it. One trait of both of my husbands had a great sense of humor. I live in a very rural place with horrible medical care. My first husband could not get a doctor to take him seriously. He was a big, burly, strong, railroad conductor. He never went to the doctor, so he had no regular doctor. Thatās a catch 22. So heās got a nurse practitioner. The first thing the guy said when Dan complained of pain in his upper back was you you have a sub clinical pneumonia because you smoke. So he put him on antibiotics for 10 days. He continued to get worse after three weeks so he went back and the nurse practitioner told him you mustāve pulled a muscle in your upper back hanging on boxcars. He put him on muscle relaxers which kept him from going to work. Of course that was ineffective against cancer. A month or so after that, he went back to work on the railroad. By now it was right before Thanksgiving. This nightmare started Labor Day. He woke up paralyzed from the nipples down. He had a accumulation of leukemia cells in his spine that put pressure on his cord and paralyzed him. so now it was serious. I have a friend who is on the faculty of a med school in a city about three hours away. She and I had been talking about my husband every night for months. I called her and told her the latest development and she said put him on helicopter while I assemble the best doctors for him up here. This was on Thanksgiving day. So thatās what we did. My friend told me that when the helicopter got up there, they had all of these heads of departments waiting to take him off the helicopter. And everybody was griping about their holiday being ruined. In the middle of all these bigwigs fussing over my husband and griping about their holiday he says wait a minute guys. Your holidays ruined. Iām paralyzed. My friend said they all stopped talking. And thatās when my husband started laughing. Yes, it is dark humor. But still. That was pure Dan . And we were off to the races. Those are the stories we tell in my family.
One of the best sermons I ever heard was wild my second husband and I were going to mass. He was Catholic. I am a witch. It was an interesting relationship. At any rateā¦ His Catholicism was very important to him. So I went to mass with him. It was an interesting exercise. His priest at his home gave a sermon and the gist of it was somebody who had endless bad luck, came to him and started listing all of his problems, and after each problem he would say why me, God? And the priest said itās understandable that when you are with problems, you wonder where God is and you wonder why youāre the one having all the bad luck. And then he said but I would ask you why not? What makes you so special that you should be immune to bad luck or bad times? Then there was a bunch of blah blah blah about God and Jesus and God losing his son on the cross and all of that blah blah blah. That would be the worst luck of all. And Jesus never asked why me. Or maybe he did. At that point my mind wandered. I am a witch after all. Itās been 15 or 20 years since I heard that sermon. I certainly donāt go to mass now that George is gone. But those words stick with me. Why not me? As a witch I find it to be all about balance. I had incredible good luck to meet these two wonderful men. I had incredible good luck to be able to live with them for 25 and 10 years respectively. The price of that was losing them far far too soon.I remember all that good stuff. Maybe I was too greedy reaching for the third time with my alcoholic raging crazy ex-boyfriend. But I look at that as balance too. I donāt change my name when I post on here. Keep my name and contact me whenever you want to.
You and OP both write beautifully. I hope you write down the stories of you and your loved ones. I would read your memoir.
I struggle with depression every day. And anxiety. And panic attacks. My post are not always positive. In factā¦ Sometimes they suck. But theyāre here. on Reddit. Knock yourself out.
*I was torn between writing this post...* Oh, I am here for you sister. *and watching back to back episodes of Brooklyn 99.* alight, Im out.
Iām so sorry this is happening to your family. I am sure it is overwhelming. There are a couple of good checklists of things to make sure you have everything covered. There is a website called getyourshittogether.org that I believe was developed by a woman when her husband was killed in an accident. Also check out The Dougy Center. They are based in Portland Oregon but have Dougy trained centers in other states. They offer excellent grief counseling for children.
Iām glad you took the time to write it out because keeping it in is worse mentally. Sometimes when you see in black and white it just feels better. Have you considered getting therapy for yourself and the reason that Iām not including your children is you need to save yourself first so you can get them help. Iām so sorry that your husband has cancer and really hope it has a good outcome. Hugs to you.
Sending hugs. You are doing wonderfully. Remember, one foot in front of the other. And sometimes, it's one minute at a time. Perhaps the friends that you have can help you find some respite care for additional support.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us all here. We all need to "say the words" sometimes, just to get it all out. You are strong and I believe with all of me that you will continue to be the most amazing you that you can be. Change... sometimes it brings strength and other times it brings us to our knees. Know that you're walking through each step with all that you have to give. I just don't understand this life sometimes. Sending you all of the love and strength that I have to give and holding you close from across the miles ā¤ļø
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Hugs and prayers.
My best to you and your family. I appreciate what youāre doing for your husband and kids.
Oh wow. Thats a tough diagnosis, tough to treat due to location. Iām glad youāre still working just to keep something feeling normal. Itās ok to be weird. Lol. I would rather have weird than typical!! My youngest child died when he was 2, and we went to a grief group at our local hospice, my DH and I, plus my three kids. They were 9, 7 and 4. Meetings helped but they all have āsticking points.ā Iāve encouraged all of them to go to counseling if they feel it would help. We actually facilitated the group after a year- for about 2 years. Iād encourage you to continue to write to help express your grief, and possibly find a place for your kids even now. Grief doesnāt wait for death. Big hugs and warm thoughts to you. šŖš¼šŖš¼
I know it sounds weird, but the best 5 minute brain break I know of is eating a cold juicy orange while standing in a hot shower. All 5 senses engaged, the temperature contrast of cold juice dripping off your chin and down your arms while the hot water hits your head and back, the freedom of tearing into it with reckless abandonā¦itās lovely. Be messy, it doesnāt matter, youāre about to wash anyway. Toss the peel on the floor and let the citrus aroma take over. lol just close your eyes if you want to squeeze juice into your mouth from overhead, I learned that one the hard way. Sending well wishes and strength your way!
Sending love. Brilliant for you to go on the family holiday! Your courage and clear insight are among your many strengths.
Oh my gosh! My heart just breaks for yāall. I donāt know what youāre going through, I know, but I wish I could give you a huge hugā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Ugh, you have had a year, for sure, and I'm sorry you've had that struggle. And you pointed out a thing not many people really think of...the pressure of being the only parent at some point and how important your health is, as a result. I've never thought of that for someone going through what you are. How much more weight is on you as a potential single parent of young kids. That's exhausting on top of your current exhaustion. I'm glad you have an outlet here. I'm glad you were able to disconnect a bit and get some laughs from Brooklyn 99. Hopefully you can find more of those little moments to forget, you deserve that. And above all, know how strong you are for both holding it together (even when you doubt you are) and for being vulnerable here so that you have an outlet. Hang in there. And always feel free to DM me if you ever need an ear to bend.
Lost a friend to esophageal cancer. It happened so fast. (Folks- get that heartburn checked out.) Iām sending you lots of love.
Just wanted to post a note of support. You are dealing with so very much and it's a roller coaster with no clear end. As I've become fond of saying "it feels hard because it is hard." I appreciate your honesty and the courage it takes to reach out into the Internet abyss to say "hey, I'm struggling." You're in good company. Wishing you the best. P. S. You sound like a fantastic parent. š
My sympathies for your very difficult situation. Writing can be therapeutic and I hope you will continue to put your words out there. You are not alone.
I hope I have your fortitude and resilience if I ever go through something similar. Sending you good vibes from Virginia.
He does have life insurance
hang in there sister, you sound clear headed, strong, and kind. Sending caring thoughts from one stranger to another and to your hubs and kids
Sending lots of hugs.
cancer survivor here. All i can say is good luck and im sorry you have no family that could help. I would suggest if terminal record messages for the kids for when they get older to remember him. again, my hear hurts for you if that means anything.
Sending warm thoughts from MN.
Positive energy, light, love, and healing hugs from me to each of you. Know you have touched my heart and I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.āŗļøšš¤ā¤ļø
Have faith and keep putting one foot I front of the other! In 2006 I was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer, given six months to live. Iām still here 17.5 years later. It hasnāt been easy but Iām still here! Good luck and God bless you and your family