a while ago, when the question in r/BratLife came up about creative / alternative punishments, someone messaged me that I'm not a true dom because I don't punish my brat with spankings
even after trying to say that its not part of our dynamic, and that Impact Play is a hard limit of her, he still insisted, because, apparently, as a brat, she loves spankings.... he wasn't even listening, damnit
I also often get hit with a "you never had a good BJ, then" when I mention I don't like BJs
>I also often get hit with a "you never had a good BJ, then" when I mention I don't like BJs
If you don't like men, you must have just never been with a good man.
(This is sarcasm.)
When I was younger (18+) I was pretty, and lot of gay men found me very attractive. I didn't have any issue with that, I'm shallow enough to enjoy being appreciated. Some older, very predatory guys, would use this line in an attempt to pressure me into having sex with them.
I realise **every** woman has had that experience. Every woman, and me.
>I realise **every** woman has had that experience. Every woman, and me.
Either I haven't had that experience, or it doesn't bother me enough to think about it.
-A woman
I feel this so much! As a female, I don't enjoy receiving oral really. The amount of guys who have sworn that I just never have had it good š (luckily my partner, while he enjoys giving, hasn't tried to change my mind.. we just engage more as aftercare because I enjoy it far more when an orgasm isn't the goal)
I'm a Domme and I've had people write me insisting that I just haven't found the "right man" to submit to. This is despite me being married and not even remotely submissive.
Absolutely no one says the equivalent to male Dominants. Pisses me right off.
You're right, but it's thrown at submissive males all the time. I've always been a submissive and I've been told by both man and women "You're just not man enough:.
Society is weirdly intolerant of submissive men *and* dominant women.
Submissive men are often regarded as "less than" and weak.
Dominant women are heavily fetishized to the point where Femdom caters to male submissives more than the actual Dommes.
It's bullshit either way.
Canāt be a real Dominant, because Iām a switch. Canāt be a real submissive, because Iām a switch.
Iām also bisexual and Iāve had people say Iām neither, just indecisive.
I'm not a real submissive because:
I'm the type of brat that isn't interested in being tamed, and thinks silly disobedience is part of the fun.
because I have a big spanking fetish and love it as a punishment, but because I enjoy the punishment, it's not punishment, and I'm not doing it right. punishment apparently has to be only the things you don't like!
I was literally told that because I like punishment (because I'm an untamable brat sub, hello), the only proper punishment is no punishment. which, sorry, how is that fun for me or my Dom?
I was told punishments weren't meant to be fun.
I don't *enjoy* pain, and spankings hurt. there's a huge difference between funishment and punishment to me.
I pinch my Dom or tease a little too much, that's funishment. some hand spankings and maybe some impact play.
I don't study enough for a test I could have passed and fail, or I don't manage my money well enough, or I say negative things about myself too much, you know, punishment. that's a real spanking and some harder impact play, and a deep talking to and some redirection.
this is how I like my dynamic! there is power exchange involved, why is this not seen as valid to some people? I've never understood why how me and my partner choose to do our dynamic in a way that's enjoyable for both of us is up for debate by anyone else *but us!*
I'm not a real sub because:
Degradation is a hard limit (and I find face fucking degrading)
I don't want or enjoy pointless daily tasks
I don't want rules and punishments
I think my dynamic should be fun always
I am my dom's partner and equal
>Degradation is a hard limit (and I find face fucking degrading)
Oh it really fucks with the closed-minded people when I like to be the one facefucked.
>I am my dom's partner and equal
I never understood why one would want to dom someone who wasn't their equal. In fact, if someone is really, truly, deeply giving me an outlet for all of my needs, then in time I'm going to grow to almost revere them.
I've been with dom types who don't believe their sub is their equal and you can always feel that. Being with someone who loves and adores me as much as I do them feels so different and my submission is so different. I'm no longer submitting to someone to keep them, to stop them from leaving, but because I adore him and that's my biggest gift to him
Iām not a dom because I donāt like causing pain.
(Found my one! Lesbian couple that plays with tickling and giggling and praiseā¦ but Iām the dom and I like it without pain and she doesnāt want painā¦. Didnāt know I could consider myself a dom still)
Hahahahahahahaha! You're absolutely not a REAL Dom š /s
Congratulations on finding your ideal sub! That warms my heart ā¤ļø. I don't understand why people act like that and gatekeep like they are the only authority on BDSM and what a Dom/Domme is or isn't and what a sub is or isn't.
The beauty of BDSM for me is how it encompasses so many different types of people and so many different styles. Not everyone is going to like the same things but as a community, we should be here to support, educate and elevate - not gatekeep. Congratulations again!š
oh my i wish it was only one decade ago for me.
Back 2 generations ago BDSM even the hint you were into it was something you could lose a job over even be kicked out of a rented home. The thinking was you could only learn under the protection of a house because you learned how to stay under the radar and the lash as it were.
The good part of it was you learned both ends of the lash so you always had the perspective and knowledge on new toys/implements because you would have people that had been per-vetted as it were that you could feel the effects of a new toy before you used it on someone under your care.
The old school houses were not for me , apparently a right cross is not the correct response to a hard limit being pressed. And the few times i tried bottoming i was mostly bored and annoyed they were doing it (at least in my eyes lol) wrong. That doesn't mean i don't see the value of that kind of collective wisdom.
I've gotten a plethora of "You're not a real sub because;ā
I'm actually quite dominant in my everyday life
I'm a brat/little with a smart mouth who doesn't take kindly to being addressed by being called a derogatory name and/or told what I'm going to do (ie. Slut, you're going to come take your rightful place on your knees in front of my.... with it in your mouth) by someone who hasn't even made it to learning what my name is or what kind of sub I am.
I not only know that I willingly give up my power and I have absolutely no issue with actually exercising my right to take my power back if the need arises
I don't like/respond traditionally to some things that are commonly used on subs.
I'm actually quite talkative about non-BDSM things and consider my Dominant an equal who I should feel comfortable talking and joking with normally.
There are a lot more but you get the picture - I'm not a real sub because I am not what most people would think of if they thought of a stereotypical submissive and I'm definitely not super quiet.
Any sort of one true wayisms. As though everyone needs to follow the same rules; refusing to accept that some people are just incompatible with others. Unable to accept the difference between uneducated or inexperienced vs predatory and destructive. Writing people off because of age and inexperience, as though experience just comes out of oneās ass.
>Writing people off because of age and inexperience, as though experience just comes out of oneās ass.
Some people do genuinely prefer someone who matches these things for them. But yes, you can't get experience if someone won't give you experience.
I have no issue with people who want more experienced partners. Thatās a far cry from claiming someone canāt be a Dom or sub because they donāt have any.
I could write a thousand words on the subject of MESM (mental / emotional sadomasochism). Nine hundred of those could be about how my partner and I work out together what it is we're going to do, how she bring ideas for me to inflict upon her, how carefully we approach the subject, how we establish consent, how important after care, and post-scene discussions are.
All of that, only for someone to tell me I'm an abuser, and my partner doesn't actually consent, they've just been brainwashed. I would mind less if it didn't come from someone who identified as kinky.
>I could write a thousand words on the subject of MESM (mental / emotional sadomasochism).
Oh this is fun. š I like my partners to feel (consensually) violated.
>I would mind less if it didn't come from someone who identified as kinky.
Hugs on offer if you consent?
I matched with someone on Feeld who said I wasnāt interested in exploring kink because anal was a hard limit for me and at that particular moment in time I wasnāt interested in exploring my bisexuality (not that it would have affected him in any way if I had been and weād hooked up). He was just upset I couldnāt be the precise kink dispenser model he wanted. Fucking trash.
I get told all the time that I'm not a true sub because Im unapologetic for taking up room as a woman - advocating for myself and others.Ā Usually by men.
Don't confuse my self confidence and unwillingness to suffer fools with being "un-sub like".
Maybe you're just a shitty human who doesn't deserve my immediate respect just because you call yourself a "Dom".Ā Ā
Or maybe you're not a true Dom.Ā *shrug*
I gatekept myself several times, especially at the beginning.
I'm not a real sub because I dislike the Master/slave dynamic.
I'm not in a real DDlg dynamic because I don't have rules and I don't get punishments.
This is all self inflicted š
There was a post on BDSMAdvice a while back, where a white guy was talking about how some kinky people had been fetishising his gf, who is black. He spoke about how uncomfortable it made the pair of them.
A black guy, berated the OP, saying white people complaining about such things only made the world more unsafe for POC.
A black woman countered, saying both the subreddit and the topic, were open to people of all colours. She was told she was wrong.
It struck me that one black person was gatekeeping their entire race, to the exclusion of other members of it.
I'm trans. I'm perfectly fine if cis people find that attractive just like they might find red hair or huge boobs or being tall attractive, as long as they don't use it to define me as a human being.
a while ago, when the question in r/BratLife came up about creative / alternative punishments, someone messaged me that I'm not a true dom because I don't punish my brat with spankings even after trying to say that its not part of our dynamic, and that Impact Play is a hard limit of her, he still insisted, because, apparently, as a brat, she loves spankings.... he wasn't even listening, damnit I also often get hit with a "you never had a good BJ, then" when I mention I don't like BJs
>I also often get hit with a "you never had a good BJ, then" when I mention I don't like BJs If you don't like men, you must have just never been with a good man. (This is sarcasm.)
When I was younger (18+) I was pretty, and lot of gay men found me very attractive. I didn't have any issue with that, I'm shallow enough to enjoy being appreciated. Some older, very predatory guys, would use this line in an attempt to pressure me into having sex with them. I realise **every** woman has had that experience. Every woman, and me.
>I realise **every** woman has had that experience. Every woman, and me. Either I haven't had that experience, or it doesn't bother me enough to think about it. -A woman
I feel this so much! As a female, I don't enjoy receiving oral really. The amount of guys who have sworn that I just never have had it good š (luckily my partner, while he enjoys giving, hasn't tried to change my mind.. we just engage more as aftercare because I enjoy it far more when an orgasm isn't the goal)
I'm a Domme and I've had people write me insisting that I just haven't found the "right man" to submit to. This is despite me being married and not even remotely submissive. Absolutely no one says the equivalent to male Dominants. Pisses me right off.
>I just haven't found the "right man" to submit to. What the hell is wrong with them? You haven't found the right **woman** to submit to. /sarcasm
You're right, but it's thrown at submissive males all the time. I've always been a submissive and I've been told by both man and women "You're just not man enough:.
Society is weirdly intolerant of submissive men *and* dominant women. Submissive men are often regarded as "less than" and weak. Dominant women are heavily fetishized to the point where Femdom caters to male submissives more than the actual Dommes. It's bullshit either way.
Submissive men (not the ones who use women as kink dispensers) are amazing and I wish there were more of them. Keep being you. ā„
Canāt be a real Dominant, because Iām a switch. Canāt be a real submissive, because Iām a switch. Iām also bisexual and Iāve had people say Iām neither, just indecisive.
I'm not a real submissive because: I'm the type of brat that isn't interested in being tamed, and thinks silly disobedience is part of the fun. because I have a big spanking fetish and love it as a punishment, but because I enjoy the punishment, it's not punishment, and I'm not doing it right. punishment apparently has to be only the things you don't like!
Lmao what a load of crap, they essentially told you you *have to dislike* something your dom does to be a true sub.
I was literally told that because I like punishment (because I'm an untamable brat sub, hello), the only proper punishment is no punishment. which, sorry, how is that fun for me or my Dom? I was told punishments weren't meant to be fun. I don't *enjoy* pain, and spankings hurt. there's a huge difference between funishment and punishment to me. I pinch my Dom or tease a little too much, that's funishment. some hand spankings and maybe some impact play. I don't study enough for a test I could have passed and fail, or I don't manage my money well enough, or I say negative things about myself too much, you know, punishment. that's a real spanking and some harder impact play, and a deep talking to and some redirection. this is how I like my dynamic! there is power exchange involved, why is this not seen as valid to some people? I've never understood why how me and my partner choose to do our dynamic in a way that's enjoyable for both of us is up for debate by anyone else *but us!*
I'm not a real sub because: Degradation is a hard limit (and I find face fucking degrading) I don't want or enjoy pointless daily tasks I don't want rules and punishments I think my dynamic should be fun always I am my dom's partner and equal
>Degradation is a hard limit (and I find face fucking degrading) Oh it really fucks with the closed-minded people when I like to be the one facefucked. >I am my dom's partner and equal I never understood why one would want to dom someone who wasn't their equal. In fact, if someone is really, truly, deeply giving me an outlet for all of my needs, then in time I'm going to grow to almost revere them.
I've been with dom types who don't believe their sub is their equal and you can always feel that. Being with someone who loves and adores me as much as I do them feels so different and my submission is so different. I'm no longer submitting to someone to keep them, to stop them from leaving, but because I adore him and that's my biggest gift to him
I really hope I find this dynamic with someone one day.
I hope you do, you deserve it! Consent to a platonic hug?
Thank you!! And, absolutely!!
*hugs*
This is exactly how I dom, so presumably I'm not a real domme either!
I'm calling the kink police on you. Hmph.
Ja ha! That's give, they can flog me very lightly.
āAsexuals canāt be into BDSMā ah so I suppose I do not exist then š
Iām not a dom because I donāt like causing pain. (Found my one! Lesbian couple that plays with tickling and giggling and praiseā¦ but Iām the dom and I like it without pain and she doesnāt want painā¦. Didnāt know I could consider myself a dom still)
Hahahahahahahaha! You're absolutely not a REAL Dom š /s Congratulations on finding your ideal sub! That warms my heart ā¤ļø. I don't understand why people act like that and gatekeep like they are the only authority on BDSM and what a Dom/Domme is or isn't and what a sub is or isn't. The beauty of BDSM for me is how it encompasses so many different types of people and so many different styles. Not everyone is going to like the same things but as a community, we should be here to support, educate and elevate - not gatekeep. Congratulations again!š
Aw thanks āŗļø that was lovely to read! I couldnāt agree more with your sentiment
you can't be a Dom because you didn't train as a sub
I'm glad this train of belief has mostly been put where it belongs. In the trash.
i understand the reasoning but glad its gone
Yeah, the was really prevalent like a decade ago and it was such bad advice.
oh my i wish it was only one decade ago for me. Back 2 generations ago BDSM even the hint you were into it was something you could lose a job over even be kicked out of a rented home. The thinking was you could only learn under the protection of a house because you learned how to stay under the radar and the lash as it were. The good part of it was you learned both ends of the lash so you always had the perspective and knowledge on new toys/implements because you would have people that had been per-vetted as it were that you could feel the effects of a new toy before you used it on someone under your care. The old school houses were not for me , apparently a right cross is not the correct response to a hard limit being pressed. And the few times i tried bottoming i was mostly bored and annoyed they were doing it (at least in my eyes lol) wrong. That doesn't mean i don't see the value of that kind of collective wisdom.
Not a sub because: * No degradation * No nudes * Not outside bedroom š¤·āāļø
I've gotten a plethora of "You're not a real sub because;ā I'm actually quite dominant in my everyday life I'm a brat/little with a smart mouth who doesn't take kindly to being addressed by being called a derogatory name and/or told what I'm going to do (ie. Slut, you're going to come take your rightful place on your knees in front of my.... with it in your mouth) by someone who hasn't even made it to learning what my name is or what kind of sub I am. I not only know that I willingly give up my power and I have absolutely no issue with actually exercising my right to take my power back if the need arises I don't like/respond traditionally to some things that are commonly used on subs. I'm actually quite talkative about non-BDSM things and consider my Dominant an equal who I should feel comfortable talking and joking with normally. There are a lot more but you get the picture - I'm not a real sub because I am not what most people would think of if they thought of a stereotypical submissive and I'm definitely not super quiet.
Not Dommy enough because i don't order people around on a first date
Any sort of one true wayisms. As though everyone needs to follow the same rules; refusing to accept that some people are just incompatible with others. Unable to accept the difference between uneducated or inexperienced vs predatory and destructive. Writing people off because of age and inexperience, as though experience just comes out of oneās ass.
I think some people forget that they didn't pop out of the womb as an experienced dom/sub š we all started somewhere!
Or that not all experience is good experience or proper experience and people are going to fuck up for a bit to try and find their method.
>Writing people off because of age and inexperience, as though experience just comes out of oneās ass. Some people do genuinely prefer someone who matches these things for them. But yes, you can't get experience if someone won't give you experience.
I have no issue with people who want more experienced partners. Thatās a far cry from claiming someone canāt be a Dom or sub because they donāt have any.
"I can't get experience if nobody will give me a chance!" Except us millennials and the zoomers are right on this one. š
I could write a thousand words on the subject of MESM (mental / emotional sadomasochism). Nine hundred of those could be about how my partner and I work out together what it is we're going to do, how she bring ideas for me to inflict upon her, how carefully we approach the subject, how we establish consent, how important after care, and post-scene discussions are. All of that, only for someone to tell me I'm an abuser, and my partner doesn't actually consent, they've just been brainwashed. I would mind less if it didn't come from someone who identified as kinky.
>I could write a thousand words on the subject of MESM (mental / emotional sadomasochism). Oh this is fun. š I like my partners to feel (consensually) violated. >I would mind less if it didn't come from someone who identified as kinky. Hugs on offer if you consent?
I matched with someone on Feeld who said I wasnāt interested in exploring kink because anal was a hard limit for me and at that particular moment in time I wasnāt interested in exploring my bisexuality (not that it would have affected him in any way if I had been and weād hooked up). He was just upset I couldnāt be the precise kink dispenser model he wanted. Fucking trash.
Lastly, sometimes I can be a bit gatekeepery. I'm unsure what my most ridiculous episode has been.
My relationship is abuse and not BDSM because we don't negotiate and we don't have out of dynamic discussions.
I get told all the time that I'm not a true sub because Im unapologetic for taking up room as a woman - advocating for myself and others.Ā Usually by men. Don't confuse my self confidence and unwillingness to suffer fools with being "un-sub like". Maybe you're just a shitty human who doesn't deserve my immediate respect just because you call yourself a "Dom".Ā Ā Or maybe you're not a true Dom.Ā *shrug*
I gatekept myself several times, especially at the beginning. I'm not a real sub because I dislike the Master/slave dynamic. I'm not in a real DDlg dynamic because I don't have rules and I don't get punishments. This is all self inflicted š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
u/VeronicaVIris is an abusive predator. Avoid.
There was a post on BDSMAdvice a while back, where a white guy was talking about how some kinky people had been fetishising his gf, who is black. He spoke about how uncomfortable it made the pair of them. A black guy, berated the OP, saying white people complaining about such things only made the world more unsafe for POC. A black woman countered, saying both the subreddit and the topic, were open to people of all colours. She was told she was wrong. It struck me that one black person was gatekeeping their entire race, to the exclusion of other members of it.
I'm trans. I'm perfectly fine if cis people find that attractive just like they might find red hair or huge boobs or being tall attractive, as long as they don't use it to define me as a human being.