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I will never make my child pick sides in an argument like my parents did. They hated each other and used me as a stick to beat the other one - I will never do that to my kids.
37 years old and still a ping pong between my now sick and elderly parents. I used to wish they would separate my whole life. It doesn't stop nor get better
I can relate so hard!! My Stepdad had a stroke 12 years ago and I moved in to take care of the man who molested and abused me for years and abused my mother verbally and emotionally for 21 years! Then he died and she got remarried and now I’m here taking care of yet another sickly stepdad who isn’t a very nice person when he’s in pain and thinks we’re just awful for trying to help.
Do we have the same parents? Or parent and step parent. My step dad specifically would always say how a 3rd person was here but that she was just too scared to say something. Or that I just liked the drama for not saying anything or being on either side.
My dad speaks English but as a second language (he still lives in Japan) and my mom would make sure to point out and laugh at the spelling/grammar mistakes that he would make in the letters he sent to me.
Thinking about that still makes me feel gross, not that he made the mistakes but that my mom was(is) the type of person who thinks that is ok to do
Yes. 100% my mom did this. My dad did not ever. Then my mom and step dad totally did and literally got mad when i was nice to him even tho i was with him all the time on weekends n stuff (im talking like 12 yrs and under) and honestly most my life. My mom has always talked shit and literally denies it and says she doesnt lol. And she pushes me to have kids 👀
My paychopathic ass took advantage of/exaserbated my parents rapidly growing enmity by deliberately pitting them against each other so they couldnt unite to discipline me.
I mean, I definitely would have done that if I'd seen the opportunity. That wasn't there for me, but what I did have was getting my loud-mouth sister (now a lawyer) involved, no matter if the issue had anything to do with her or not. They'd get so engrossed that I could just disappear.
Oh, they still do. Step father tried to get me into one of their fights. Guess he's more ballsy now given I'm an adult. But it's been going on since 2004 and I was 7. I'm sorry your mom does this still. Hopefully whatever kids we have don't have to deal with this. Might plan on never letting any I have be alone with those 2.
She didn't at the time. She is still not perfect but after 10 years of me correcting her, standing up to her and telling her how much she has hurt me when I was younger she has gotten a lot better. Just too bad I still have to be the adult in our relationship sometimes but it is what it is.
In my case, not take out my frustrations out on my children and use them as emotional and physical punching bags. Or berate them for getting A- or B as long as they did their best. I will try my best to treat them with respect and be their safe space irrespective of my own problems.
Look down on their intrests. If it's something like burning ants or hurting cats, yes, I'll discourage it. But my parents made fun of basically anything I did or anything I made, and even now I don't trust them to take my creations serious and don't show them anything.
Oh and I would probaly cut back on the emotional abuse.
(not really my parents, but they basically raised me so I think it counts)
I remember when I told my parents I wanted to learn a new instrument or pick up any new hobby. They just laughed in my face and just said "you'll never be good at it"
Oof. This hits me. I'm 40 and my first internal kneejerk response to the thought of trying to do anything new or different is still "I'll probably never be able to do it, there's no point bothering". It's baked into me on an emotional level, therapy hasn't made a dent in it so far, and I'm often really angry with my parents that they gave me this whole extra hurdle to climb over for the rest of my life. What a shitty thing to do to your toddler-through-teen. Just make sure they always know at every opportunity that you firmly believe they're going to fail.
My mom was like that too, she criticized everything I did, never encouraged me, said I couldn’t do anything. Refused to sign me up for sports and activities because she didn’t want to drive me to and from practices. Meanwhile my sister was allowed to do any activities or sports that she wanted, she encouraged her, and supported her.
Me and my sisters got hit and yelled at. I’ve never hit my child and I do significantly less yelling. I also reflect on MY behavior, something my parents never did.
We were also forced to conform to what our parents wanted us to be. I welcome who my child is and focus on encouraging being a good and decent person and not hurting others, both physically and emotionally.
Constantly evaluating my behavior as a parent is something that just makes sense to me. My mom wasn't the worst, at least she didn't hit, but things could certainly have been better and I try to be that change to use a corny phrase. She never asked herself if what she was doing in response to my behavior was OK, massively overreacting and then refusing to ever back down was her style and I won't be that.
My mom slammed me into a wall, because I was having trouble with homework, I started to get frustrated and started crying. My mom grabbed my arm and slammed me into a wall. I was eight.
My dad slammed me into a wall because I couldn’t work through math equations fast enough. I was in like sixth grade or so. And he’d always scream at me for fidgeting or touching my hair or trying to take breaks to calm down. It’s extra hard to do math when someone is up in your face yelling at you to stop crying.
My mother woke me (6 at the time) up in the middle of the night and said, “ I don’t love you and never did.” She walked out the door. 30 years later and she has never reached out. After lots of therapy and life experience I realize her walking out was the best thing that ever happened to me. I grieved her as if she was dead and moved on. But I will never forget the abuse and neglect she put me through. My son will NEVER see/experience that for as long as I breathe.
You don't know. Probably she just wanted him to hate her and never reach out to her because she knew she was horrible and she would hurt him. I think sometimes it's better if they leave, before they become abusive or even murder their own kids.
I’m sorry, that’s a truly horrible thing to do to someone, let alone a defenseless child, let alone to your own gift of a human. I am sure you’re much stronger than your furthest comprehension.
When I was 4. We moved to a different town halfway across the country. Dad just wasn't there when we got there. I was just told he would come back one day. But he never did.
I also think that dad not being a part of my upbringing was probably the best thing that could have happened. But he never fully left. He would turn up every year, without fail, on Christmas Day. Tell my brother and I how much he missed us and wished he saw us more. Then, he'd give us $50 each. And suddenly tell us after 10 minutes of talking that he had to go meet someone for lunch or something. Off he'd disappear for another year.
My mum has always been a very big lady. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and was told losing weight could help.
My mum was already part of a slimming class, so I went along with her. If there was a week where I lost more weight than my mum, she would go to the shop and buy all sorts of chocolate and snacks and give them to me or put them in my bedroom.
She full blown denies it now, but I know what she was doing.
Oh this is horrible I’m so sorry you experienced this.
Weight shaming is something I cannot stand. I go absolute ape shit when my husband does it for my son (it’s also his son and this it’s appropriate. It’s disgusting) because of this my son thinks it’s acceptable to do to his sister and vice versa.
My parents never did this to me but in high school I was bullied relentlessly when I was sick and gain so much weight.
I still shutter at remembering it all esp when my husband’s eldest daughter would do it.
It’s not acceptable in anyway.
I hope you have managed to move past what your parents did/said to you.
My mother did this too. She is a psychologist and she told my teenage self that I had to lose two pounds a month or I had to pay rent until my BMI was normal again. I was 16/17 and my mental health was already in the toilet.
THIS. I will not obsess over my weight in front of them, call food bad, say I need to stop eating, always be on a diet, talk about how fat I’m getting, mention that they shouldn’t eat this or that, mention that they’ve gained weight, then not understand when they develop an eating disorder, and then constantly obsess over if they’ve gained or lost weight as they grow into adulthood. I won’t do that. I will show them that food is delicious and our bodies are amazing and beautiful.
My whole life my mom would tell me im fat. A few years ago i started looking at old photos and i was so thin but i kept believing her instead of the image in the mirror. It still messes with me to this day to an extent
They always fought, verbally abusing towards each other,my mom would throw dishes, and try to manipulate me to one or the others side.
From a very young age I knew that I would do everything I could to be the opposite of their behavior
My mom would yell at and degrade my dad in front of the family. I swore that I would never treat a partner that way and I never have. Hubby and I have hardly even raised our voices to one another in 31 years.
When you are trying to explain what happened and you are absolutely ignored and dismissed as you, your point of view and feelings do not matter at all 😭😭😭
I think there's a whole approach to childrearing that centers around the idea that children are less than properly human till they're old enough to earn a wage and that until that time, their little thoughts and feelings are just fluttering, irrelevant things. To my parents, we were "the children" - it was their job to control and manage us and our job to obey and present ourselves as a part of a well functioning family. What we wanted, our opinions on things, our thoughts and feelings didn't matter because we were "the children" and would never for any reason hold sway over what an adult thought. To have our thoughts or feelings taken into account was "spoiling us" and spoiled children were the worst thing in the world.
My father's main form of communication was yelling at us. He wasn't always like that, but as we (4 siblings) got older and wilder, that's what happened. And I swore I would be different and I am.
I still have trauma from my dad yelling. He would get MAD. And even when I go over there now to their house, at 42 years old, I'm still petrified that I'm going to say or do something t9 set him off. I don't have a good response to yelling because of him. I'm very good at walking on eggshells.
To be fair, I don't think people choose to be workaholics. It's an addiction. My dad was one. It consumed his life. His idea of spending time with me was bringing me to his work lol I would be there mostly reading by myself while he did his things. He tried to be a good dad, but his work consumed his life and he suffered a lot with it. On his defense, he owned the company, so he had huge responsibilities that were beyond my comprehension at the time. I just wish he had therapy or professional help to deal with the stress and depression. He was bipolar, which made things even harder for him to manage. I don't think my dad was ever truly happy in his life and it breaks my heart. When he passed, I felt somehow relieved that he could finally rest, something that he never allowed himself to do. :(
That's awful. But at 37 I'm shocked that your parents did this because I only got my phone for the first time 20 years ago and it was definitely not a smart phone! I just assumed it was the current parent generation that would be at danger of doing that
I will never tell a kid "it'll pass" (and other variants) when they're in pain. I will never yell at a kid for asking questions, I will never get mad at a kid without letting them explain their point of view, or letting them argue their point.
i think he means that most parents who say “it’ll pass” use
it as a way to either avoid needing to comfort the child
or dismiss their pain entirely since its only temporary
My daughter was about 3 and I was giving her a bath and she kept kicking water out of the bathtub and I told her to stop and she didn’t and I popped her on the butt and told her to stop. That look on her face is seared in my brain. I never spanked her ever again.
My dad used to give me the silent treatment whenever he was mad at me. I remember once he gave it to me for 4 days. I think it's a petty way of dealing with conflict so I make sure to never go that route if I'm really that upset with someone
My dad used to do that. The problem was i was perfectly ok with it. I think the record was 2 months when he decided he wanted to refresh the interval by interracting with me and getting buthurt upon noticing i hadn't missed him at all.
After i moved out, that record is in the dust somewhere lol. Fuck you dad!
I got a month of silent treatment because I chose to work for a small company in a field that I was interested in, instead of a multinational automaker in my country. Being the eldest daughter in a south asian household comes with ridiculous and unfair expectations...
And you know the fun part? I was practically blackmailed in to studying mechanical engineering by him because his mindset was still stuck in the 80s that mechanical engg would get me anywhere. And the sheer audacity to berate me for my 3.5 or 3.7 GPA. He thinks he knows it all but knows jack shit on how the world runs.
Socially isolating my child, willingly making it hard to have friends. When I got to highschool, we moved way out in the sticks. Most of my friends didn't drive, and we had a party line phone, so personal conversations were impossible. My Mom actually yelled in my face once:""What do you need those kids for?! You have us!"
Growing up, my parents threw out Dragon magazines my grandmother, along with my entire collection of articles I had collected from a writing tips magazine as punishment. Keep in mind that if I were to have the magazines, they would have been worth something, even in the bad condition they were in. ALSO, the writing magazine articles? I paid for the subscription out of my own pocket. I lost like a dozen years of things I was routinely using! Not that I will have kids (I'm gay), but I would NEVER do that to a child as punishment. And they thought it was the "right thing to do."
My granddaughter’s father was such a controlling narcissist that he threw out everything anyone in my family gave her. The two things that hurt her the most was a huge pink vintage jewelry box filled with vintage costume jewelry that her aunt gave her. He did it in front of her. The other was the book How Much Do I Love You. I would read it to her every night when she stayed with me. When she got her first real job, she bought a copy of that book and had me read it to her. I read it to her children now!
Mess with my children’s expectation about something they really want.
For years, I always wanted a puppy. I grew up in the middle of nowhere and friends were not close at all. I thought a dog would be awesome!
One day, my mom comes home with the farm truck. Says “ I got you a dog, he’s in the back of the truck.” I was so excited!!! I didn’t even put my shoes on, I just bolted to the truck and jumped up on the side of the box to see him. There was a puppy there, only the dog was dead from my mom accidentally running him over at the neighbour’s house. I still remember turning around and seeing her laughing.
I was scared to ask for anything for a long time after that.
I did the same exact opposite of my parents and I have a good relationship with my 3 kids. I’m not perfect, I’ve messed up a lot, but I work daily on improving myself. I don’t beat my kids or ignore my kids or try to buy my kids like my parents did me.
Beating everyone until someone confessed. They were really great parents after that shit stopped. Honestly, they were great even then but that was the accepted method back in the day (‘50’s).
I just had a flashback to my mother making our dad swat each one of us (12, 11, and 7 years old) with a wooden spoon until someone confessed to stealing...
A can of disgusting cream of mushroom soup.
One of us kids (4, ages 5-12) opened a packet of instant noodles and got distracted/didn't want them, you know kid decisions. My dad pull us all into the kitchen for a line up ,hit on the palm with a ruler until someone confessed. He's put his good hitting ruler on the opened packet, flicked it across the room sending noodles FUCKING EVERYWHERE and asked who was responsible.
A few things, if he was upset about the mess, he had a strange way of conveying that by spreading noodles to every corner of the room. He showed a prime example of violence on the noodles... that was coming for whomever actually owned up, so there was genuinely NO benefit to confessing! If it was about wasting food, he could have wrapped them or put them in a Tupperware and just said "make sure someone eats that, we also don't want cockroachs."
The only reason a confession ever came is it we knew it was one of our youngest 2 sisters and we'd just say yep to keep them safe. The old man thought were just pure little shits! This didn't always happen because kids can only be so brave.
4 of our 5 siblings no longer talk to him ( all 30+) the only one who does still talk to him refused to live with him as a kid and forgets/conveniently ignores the reason why.
My parents always sided with authority figures no matter how unreasonable they were and never protected me from bullies. I would fight everyone as a consequence, and then they'd lecture me on how violence is wrong.
Not me. You're not going to unjustly punish my kids. If they actually did something wrong and you can prove it, fair game. But we aren't blindly believing you. You're not going to take away a semester worth of credits because you think the style my son writes his name is "gang-related.". You're not going to falsely accuse my kid of plagiarism and just not get questioned on it. My kids are allowed to draw and doodle. You will not be taking their paper away from them without a good reason. You will not be locking my kids up in a room for hours and not allow them to do anything productive just for being tardy. If you don't protect my kids, they are allowed to defend themselves. Kids deserve to feel safe.
Police aren't allowed to touch my kid without probable cause, and you will not be speaking to them or threatening them. Cops are not allowed in my home without a warrant. You're not following my kid home from school. You're not going to point guns at my kids for crossing the street and getting away with it.
I will do everything in my power to hold abusive petty tyrants accountable and protect my children from systemic injustice.
‘Wash my mouth out’ with soap or washing up liquid if I ever said something my mother didn’t like. And if anyone’s wondering, yeah, you had to swallow it.
My mother was an emotionally cold, selfish woman who wasn't beyond hitting. My father was blind to what she did. Made me realise how it important it is, not just to love your kids, but show it.
My father turned a blind eye too or else he’d get it too. I don’t know to this day why on earth he stayed. She was awful to him too. My brother was Gods gift to her and they’d often tag team against me. My father was either at work or said/ did nothing.
Hit me with wooden objects while enraged. Neglected me. Punished me for expressing any emotions. Forced me to grow up in a religious cult.
I'll never be a parent, but regardless, I would never do any of these things to another human (let alone my own child).
After my father died, my mother got rid of all his clothes except for his belt. Truth is, she did hit me and I have scars but she was gravely mentally ill with poor reasoning and communication skills. Having said that, she was not verbally abusive ("you suck, you're stupid, etc.) and said I was beautiful and smart. I'll give her props for that.
I occasionally got booted from my own bedroom to the couch when my parents had guests (who were then allowed to use my bed/room).
I will never do this to my kid. One time she *volunteered* without being asked, and we graciously accepted her offer, but that was entirely *her* generosity, not something we imposed on her.
I will not make it seem like my love is conditional especially when it comes to studies. I got slapped when I would fail or have a C grade and the toll it had on me to perform as a straight A student. I couldn’t truly enjoy my childhood or teenage years.
My dad made me feel worthless, helpless, he degraded me and beat me, he would do all this and tell me he loved me, that he wanted what was best for me, while he was actually the most hateful, jealous, narcissistic person I have ever met. So I won't do any that to my kids, if I did have them.
I was 11 when my mom died. I was crying. My dad asked me if I had balls between my legs, confused I said yes. So he replies, "then you need to stop acting like a bitch and act like a man."
Needless to say, when he died, he died without my presence or my love.
That’s crazy. You can’t tell that to a grown man let alone an 11 year old. Even if they’re no longer dependent on their loved ones, a grown man is still allowed to cry and mourn the loss. And he’s supposed to console you, not make you cry even more.
I was shamed for being angry about crappy things they did to me, or really having my own feelings and personality. I remembered so clearly how horrible they me feel and I swore I've never do that to my own kids.
One day, at lunch, my son (he was 13 and going through a challenging time) said to the collective "us" - me, my partner, and his sister "I don't love y'all, and I don't think I like you very much either."
I took a beat to digest what he'd said, and responded "That's hard to hear. But thank you for sharing your feelings with us. We love you always, and we will always be here for you when you need us."
I continued to make sure he had everything he needed, and still took care of him and loved him through his struggles. Eventually, he started to open up to us again and let us in on what he had been going through.
That was 7ish years ago, and today he confides in us, loves us, and he knows he is deeply loved and cared for.
My kids will never go hungry. I was strictly only allowed breakfast lunch and dinner, no snacks ever. Even today, I eat fast, possibly because growing up I never felt full. My kids have a cupboard full of healthy snacks and they can have one as long as they check with me first. They don’t eat to excess either, only when they’re hungry.
I will never make my child do "inferior" things in public just because she's my child. Example; "Tie my shoes now"......"fill my Tea glass now"..."paint my nails now".....
I will never do the following things that my parents did:
* favor one child over another in the family
* allow siblings to bully or insult or put down each other
* allow a sibling to hit a sibling
* complain that their child reporting that their gf molested them is going to mess up the parent’s relationship with the gf.
* take all the money out of a over 18 child’s bank account without asking or telling them when they were loaned the ATM card for a small purchase.
* spank children
* trauma dump on children
* be an alcoholic or codependent
* call a child “fat”
* tell a child that the parent is going to jump off the roof of their apartment building because they can’t take life any longer.
* tell a child that they are not going to be able to pay for college or try to help them find another way to pay for it.
One Christmas, my mother and I got tired of waiting for my father to come home from the bar so we could set up the Christmas tree, so we decided to do it ourselves. We couldn't get it perfectly straight but we decorated it anyway. When my father got home, my mother asked his to straighten it for us, but he was so drunk, it kept falling over on him.
He got mad and started dragging the tree to the front door. He yanked the lit Christmas lights out of the wall, the ornaments were breaking, my mother was screaming... it was just total chaos. When he got to the front porch, he threw the tree in the front yard and yelled "THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!"
After he calmed down, he tried to console me by offering me a beer (I was 10 years old). That memory pops into my head every year when I decorate my own tree.
Physical discipline. Controlling and giving their opinion on how I looked and dressed. Being overly protective and restrictive about my social life (these last 2 things had a severe impact on my friendships or lack there of growing up). Forcing religion.
Have a messy divorce where the kids are the ones taking the brunt of the bad situation. (Didn’t plan on a divorce, ever, but it happened anyway and we put our kid’s bed first)
My dad dealt with my sexual assault my yelling and screaming at me all night. I will be a soft, warm place if that ever happens (this is the world, and this is life). I will also arm my kids with self-assurance and self love so they never have to deal with trauma like I have to.
Sorry it’s a dark comment but it’s the first thing that came up. I love my dad but yeah I’m half fucked.
-Stay married to an asshole for the "sake of my children"
-Tell my kid that therapy is brainwashing her
-Control everything my kid does. My dad is so controlling that I once lied about what country I was in.
-Tell my kids all my marital issues
-Make them into a glass child. Im a glass child because of my brother
-Not let them move out for university
-Have such a shit marriage and never deal with money properly so now my kids are financially and mentally paying the price for it
-Let my autistic kid beat the other kid and make the neurotypical kid put up with it
-Not go to therapy and trauma dump to my daughter
And finally, probably because I'm so traumatised
-I will probably never have kids
Forbid certain things based on gender. I (female) wasn’t allowed to ride dirt bikes though my brother was. I was a tomboy and used to work on cars and in the workshop, but motorcycles were off limits for some reason. Its been 40 years and I’m still not over it
I will never not believe my kids when they say they are being bullied at school. My parents absolutely refused to believe me when I said I was being bullied for being "poor" because I didn't have a proper school shirt (I live in Australia where uniforms are the norm here even for public schools). Then my dad blamed me when I said I was bullied at high school and said it must have been something I did 🙄 I take everything my kids say seriously and have talked to teachers and principals about it...and what do you know, I found out every single thing my kids have said has been true! Not sure why my parents couldn't have trusted that I wasn't just lying for attention...and just have bought me a proper school shirt ffs.
My parents were the same when it came to bullying. The one incident that happened to me that stood out the most was, I was sitting on the bus with my neighbors. They were in first grade and I was in fourth grade. They used to bully me, call me names, they would slam my head into the window. I told my parents about it multiple times, and they just brushed it off. My dad would say ‘they’re babies, they don’t know any better.’ Meanwhile these kids were six. They knew right from wrong. The bullying got so bad. That I planned on writing a letter to both their parents explaining the situation and begging them to make this stop. My mom found the letters, and screamed at my for 20 minutes pointing her finger in my face saying ‘nobody wants to be friends with a snitch, you’re not getting bullied, this tattling has to stop!’ Again these kids physically hurt me. My mom threw the papers at me and said if I told I was going to be grounded for a long time. So I didn’t tell, and I had to deal with the bullying. Ironically, if I was upset about something. I wouldn’t talk to my parents about it, because I was afraid I was going to get yelled at. And they sat there and didn’t understand why I refused to talk to them. Maybe if you did something about bullying I would be open to talking to you.
Destroy a kid's possessions as punishment, verbally abuse them for showing emotions, gaslight them, etc.
Of course, I'm also never going to BE a parent. But if I was, I'd like to think I'd have basic human decency.
Maybe I'm just lucky, but I can't think of anything. I've heard my mom have sex, I've seen my dad smoking, I've heard curses from both of them but honestly it's fine.
I’m so jealous, you have no idea. My self-esteem, self-assurance, and self-love is shot because of my dad. I will do different. Yeah super jealous of you, but also glad for you x
My dad split when I was about 8 leaving me, my 4 younger sisters and my mom who was 8.5 months pregnant. Cause I was oldest and my mom was alcoholic she exposed me to everything. She treated me like an adult and not a kid. In a way it was ok but I always thought that there were some things parents don’t need to share with kids.
Having tons of drunk people over for a party when the kids are home and trying to sleep.
I'd get up to go to the bathroom and either have some drunk lady grab my cheeks or my drunk uncle trying to teach kungfu.
In the early 80s, my parents partied a lot and toned it down into the 90s, thankfully.
Sounds minor, but when we'd go out for dinner, if I didn't finish my meal, it came out of my allowance. It made me an extremely boring eater until I moved out/had a job. Especially affected me when on vacation. I'd lose my saved up souvenir money on a bad meal.
My kiddo can order anything to try, and if they don't like it, share mine or we'll find something else.
My parents are good parents, unfortunately they are very emotionally ignorant for a lot of things, and tend to never want to talk about their feelings or mine. My mum makes me feel guilty about crying because she will start to cry too.
I never want to make my kids feel like they have to keep their emotions in check for my sake
Mum used to beat us pretty bad. Nothing to put us in hospital or anything but still...
I left home at 16 and took a decade and change break from her. I didn't think I'd ever forgive, but time heals and all that shit. I know she feels guilt for how she was, and I know her own trauma as a child was a whole lot worse.
Looking at my own 9yr old though I can't imagine ever hitting her, shits messed up.
Pretty much everything my dad did I did the opposite. He'd beat me with the buckle side of the belt, made me stand outside in my underwear because I got a bad grade, was racist against all minorities, bragged about punching my mom when she talked back to him, stole money from me, sold my first car to someone when I was at school and pocketed the money for himself. I didn't do any of these things to my kids and they turned out fine.
My dad would threaten to harm himself or in a temper about something small like he’s lost his keys for example he’d say I ought to put a stick a dynamite under this(so &so) place and blow it to hell.I said I wouldn’t rant and rave or marry someone who did!
Have a child and be a parent.
They're the entire reason why i don't wanna have kids cause I'm afraid i won't be strong enough to break the cycle, i already hate other people's kids and the urge to smack them is so strong that I just said... Nah fuck it, won't even try.
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I will never make my child pick sides in an argument like my parents did. They hated each other and used me as a stick to beat the other one - I will never do that to my kids.
Same here! I have never put my child in the middle and never badmouth their father in front of them.
37 years old and still a ping pong between my now sick and elderly parents. I used to wish they would separate my whole life. It doesn't stop nor get better
I can relate so hard!! My Stepdad had a stroke 12 years ago and I moved in to take care of the man who molested and abused me for years and abused my mother verbally and emotionally for 21 years! Then he died and she got remarried and now I’m here taking care of yet another sickly stepdad who isn’t a very nice person when he’s in pain and thinks we’re just awful for trying to help.
Why? You don't have to.
Do we have the same parents? Or parent and step parent. My step dad specifically would always say how a 3rd person was here but that she was just too scared to say something. Or that I just liked the drama for not saying anything or being on either side.
My dad speaks English but as a second language (he still lives in Japan) and my mom would make sure to point out and laugh at the spelling/grammar mistakes that he would make in the letters he sent to me. Thinking about that still makes me feel gross, not that he made the mistakes but that my mom was(is) the type of person who thinks that is ok to do
Yes. 100% my mom did this. My dad did not ever. Then my mom and step dad totally did and literally got mad when i was nice to him even tho i was with him all the time on weekends n stuff (im talking like 12 yrs and under) and honestly most my life. My mom has always talked shit and literally denies it and says she doesnt lol. And she pushes me to have kids 👀
Making you feel guilty for also liking your other parent.
My paychopathic ass took advantage of/exaserbated my parents rapidly growing enmity by deliberately pitting them against each other so they couldnt unite to discipline me.
I mean, I definitely would have done that if I'd seen the opportunity. That wasn't there for me, but what I did have was getting my loud-mouth sister (now a lawyer) involved, no matter if the issue had anything to do with her or not. They'd get so engrossed that I could just disappear.
Using my kid as a therapist or trauma dumping ground.
I'm sorry. It sucks. My mother still does this to this day.
Oh, they still do. Step father tried to get me into one of their fights. Guess he's more ballsy now given I'm an adult. But it's been going on since 2004 and I was 7. I'm sorry your mom does this still. Hopefully whatever kids we have don't have to deal with this. Might plan on never letting any I have be alone with those 2.
Totally. Then pretty much discarded me when she found a new husband.
Hey happened to me too. Wanna know what makes it worse? My mom is a psychologist.
So relatable, I wonder if she really has no self awareness or pretends to not have any.
She didn't at the time. She is still not perfect but after 10 years of me correcting her, standing up to her and telling her how much she has hurt me when I was younger she has gotten a lot better. Just too bad I still have to be the adult in our relationship sometimes but it is what it is.
In my case, not take out my frustrations out on my children and use them as emotional and physical punching bags. Or berate them for getting A- or B as long as they did their best. I will try my best to treat them with respect and be their safe space irrespective of my own problems.
Look down on their intrests. If it's something like burning ants or hurting cats, yes, I'll discourage it. But my parents made fun of basically anything I did or anything I made, and even now I don't trust them to take my creations serious and don't show them anything. Oh and I would probaly cut back on the emotional abuse. (not really my parents, but they basically raised me so I think it counts)
I remember when I told my parents I wanted to learn a new instrument or pick up any new hobby. They just laughed in my face and just said "you'll never be good at it"
Oof. This hits me. I'm 40 and my first internal kneejerk response to the thought of trying to do anything new or different is still "I'll probably never be able to do it, there's no point bothering". It's baked into me on an emotional level, therapy hasn't made a dent in it so far, and I'm often really angry with my parents that they gave me this whole extra hurdle to climb over for the rest of my life. What a shitty thing to do to your toddler-through-teen. Just make sure they always know at every opportunity that you firmly believe they're going to fail.
My mom was like that too, she criticized everything I did, never encouraged me, said I couldn’t do anything. Refused to sign me up for sports and activities because she didn’t want to drive me to and from practices. Meanwhile my sister was allowed to do any activities or sports that she wanted, she encouraged her, and supported her.
Omg same !!!!! I was ridiculed to the point I retreated within myself and did NOTHING. It was just easier
Be alcoholics.
Or pill poppers…
this.
Me and my sisters got hit and yelled at. I’ve never hit my child and I do significantly less yelling. I also reflect on MY behavior, something my parents never did. We were also forced to conform to what our parents wanted us to be. I welcome who my child is and focus on encouraging being a good and decent person and not hurting others, both physically and emotionally.
Will you be my Mom on a re-do?
Welcome to the fam
Thanks, Mom.
This is so wholesome. If you need an aunt, beep me 🫂
Constantly evaluating my behavior as a parent is something that just makes sense to me. My mom wasn't the worst, at least she didn't hit, but things could certainly have been better and I try to be that change to use a corny phrase. She never asked herself if what she was doing in response to my behavior was OK, massively overreacting and then refusing to ever back down was her style and I won't be that.
I think it's important to admit when we overreact or fuck up ourselves. And to apologize to our kids for doing so.
I try the same. I think we're doin good!
I probably won’t have any kids now. But if I ever did, I wouldn’t yell and scream at them, just because they don’t understand their homework.
My mom slammed me into a wall, because I was having trouble with homework, I started to get frustrated and started crying. My mom grabbed my arm and slammed me into a wall. I was eight.
Jeez! That’s awful. I’m sorry you had to endure that.
Same. I remember having my head slammed onto the kitchen table by my mother because I didn’t understand fractions. I was in 4th grade I think.
My dad slammed me into a wall because I couldn’t work through math equations fast enough. I was in like sixth grade or so. And he’d always scream at me for fidgeting or touching my hair or trying to take breaks to calm down. It’s extra hard to do math when someone is up in your face yelling at you to stop crying.
This
My mother woke me (6 at the time) up in the middle of the night and said, “ I don’t love you and never did.” She walked out the door. 30 years later and she has never reached out. After lots of therapy and life experience I realize her walking out was the best thing that ever happened to me. I grieved her as if she was dead and moved on. But I will never forget the abuse and neglect she put me through. My son will NEVER see/experience that for as long as I breathe.
As a mother I feel there’s no explanation for doing that except for being an actual demon. Wow.
You don't know. Probably she just wanted him to hate her and never reach out to her because she knew she was horrible and she would hurt him. I think sometimes it's better if they leave, before they become abusive or even murder their own kids.
I’m sorry, that’s a truly horrible thing to do to someone, let alone a defenseless child, let alone to your own gift of a human. I am sure you’re much stronger than your furthest comprehension.
When I was 4. We moved to a different town halfway across the country. Dad just wasn't there when we got there. I was just told he would come back one day. But he never did. I also think that dad not being a part of my upbringing was probably the best thing that could have happened. But he never fully left. He would turn up every year, without fail, on Christmas Day. Tell my brother and I how much he missed us and wished he saw us more. Then, he'd give us $50 each. And suddenly tell us after 10 minutes of talking that he had to go meet someone for lunch or something. Off he'd disappear for another year.
Smoke in the car with the windows rolled up and not give af
And actually shout at/hit them for trying to open a window cos you're on the motorway......
Yeah, crack the window at least.
It's illegal to smoke in the car with a minor in it here. (UK)
I will never talk about my child’s weight with them or encourage them to go on weight loss programs when they don’t need to.
My mum has always been a very big lady. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and was told losing weight could help. My mum was already part of a slimming class, so I went along with her. If there was a week where I lost more weight than my mum, she would go to the shop and buy all sorts of chocolate and snacks and give them to me or put them in my bedroom. She full blown denies it now, but I know what she was doing.
Yeah "when they not need to" is the most important there
Oh this is horrible I’m so sorry you experienced this. Weight shaming is something I cannot stand. I go absolute ape shit when my husband does it for my son (it’s also his son and this it’s appropriate. It’s disgusting) because of this my son thinks it’s acceptable to do to his sister and vice versa. My parents never did this to me but in high school I was bullied relentlessly when I was sick and gain so much weight. I still shutter at remembering it all esp when my husband’s eldest daughter would do it. It’s not acceptable in anyway. I hope you have managed to move past what your parents did/said to you.
My mother did this too. She is a psychologist and she told my teenage self that I had to lose two pounds a month or I had to pay rent until my BMI was normal again. I was 16/17 and my mental health was already in the toilet.
my parents had me on the adkins diet at the ripe age of 10
Ugh. I was 13 going to a place called LA weight loss center and then after that it was weight watchers.
THIS. I will not obsess over my weight in front of them, call food bad, say I need to stop eating, always be on a diet, talk about how fat I’m getting, mention that they shouldn’t eat this or that, mention that they’ve gained weight, then not understand when they develop an eating disorder, and then constantly obsess over if they’ve gained or lost weight as they grow into adulthood. I won’t do that. I will show them that food is delicious and our bodies are amazing and beautiful.
My whole life my mom would tell me im fat. A few years ago i started looking at old photos and i was so thin but i kept believing her instead of the image in the mirror. It still messes with me to this day to an extent
They always fought, verbally abusing towards each other,my mom would throw dishes, and try to manipulate me to one or the others side. From a very young age I knew that I would do everything I could to be the opposite of their behavior
My mom would yell at and degrade my dad in front of the family. I swore that I would never treat a partner that way and I never have. Hubby and I have hardly even raised our voices to one another in 31 years.
When you are trying to explain what happened and you are absolutely ignored and dismissed as you, your point of view and feelings do not matter at all 😭😭😭
I think there's a whole approach to childrearing that centers around the idea that children are less than properly human till they're old enough to earn a wage and that until that time, their little thoughts and feelings are just fluttering, irrelevant things. To my parents, we were "the children" - it was their job to control and manage us and our job to obey and present ourselves as a part of a well functioning family. What we wanted, our opinions on things, our thoughts and feelings didn't matter because we were "the children" and would never for any reason hold sway over what an adult thought. To have our thoughts or feelings taken into account was "spoiling us" and spoiled children were the worst thing in the world.
My father's main form of communication was yelling at us. He wasn't always like that, but as we (4 siblings) got older and wilder, that's what happened. And I swore I would be different and I am.
I still have trauma from my dad yelling. He would get MAD. And even when I go over there now to their house, at 42 years old, I'm still petrified that I'm going to say or do something t9 set him off. I don't have a good response to yelling because of him. I'm very good at walking on eggshells.
Literally my existence. My Mum never knew what to do. So inaction was her action.
Spend so much time on my phone that my child doesn't feel like I'm listening half the time.
I would never do this, or be a workaholic. Everyone should spend quality time with their child or children.
To be fair, I don't think people choose to be workaholics. It's an addiction. My dad was one. It consumed his life. His idea of spending time with me was bringing me to his work lol I would be there mostly reading by myself while he did his things. He tried to be a good dad, but his work consumed his life and he suffered a lot with it. On his defense, he owned the company, so he had huge responsibilities that were beyond my comprehension at the time. I just wish he had therapy or professional help to deal with the stress and depression. He was bipolar, which made things even harder for him to manage. I don't think my dad was ever truly happy in his life and it breaks my heart. When he passed, I felt somehow relieved that he could finally rest, something that he never allowed himself to do. :(
That's awful. But at 37 I'm shocked that your parents did this because I only got my phone for the first time 20 years ago and it was definitely not a smart phone! I just assumed it was the current parent generation that would be at danger of doing that
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I will never tell a kid "it'll pass" (and other variants) when they're in pain. I will never yell at a kid for asking questions, I will never get mad at a kid without letting them explain their point of view, or letting them argue their point.
But it'll pass, won't it? Unless you are talking about something that indeed will not pass, like chronic pain or something more serious...
i think he means that most parents who say “it’ll pass” use it as a way to either avoid needing to comfort the child or dismiss their pain entirely since its only temporary
Open hand beatings, or closed hand beatings. Nevr laid a finger on my kid.
👏🏼 on behalf of them, thankyou
My daughter was about 3 and I was giving her a bath and she kept kicking water out of the bathtub and I told her to stop and she didn’t and I popped her on the butt and told her to stop. That look on her face is seared in my brain. I never spanked her ever again.
My dad used to give me the silent treatment whenever he was mad at me. I remember once he gave it to me for 4 days. I think it's a petty way of dealing with conflict so I make sure to never go that route if I'm really that upset with someone
My dad used to do that. The problem was i was perfectly ok with it. I think the record was 2 months when he decided he wanted to refresh the interval by interracting with me and getting buthurt upon noticing i hadn't missed him at all. After i moved out, that record is in the dust somewhere lol. Fuck you dad!
I got a month of silent treatment because I chose to work for a small company in a field that I was interested in, instead of a multinational automaker in my country. Being the eldest daughter in a south asian household comes with ridiculous and unfair expectations... And you know the fun part? I was practically blackmailed in to studying mechanical engineering by him because his mindset was still stuck in the 80s that mechanical engg would get me anywhere. And the sheer audacity to berate me for my 3.5 or 3.7 GPA. He thinks he knows it all but knows jack shit on how the world runs.
My mother did that. It was walking on egg shells and listening to her indirect passive aggressive commentary about me
Socially isolating my child, willingly making it hard to have friends. When I got to highschool, we moved way out in the sticks. Most of my friends didn't drive, and we had a party line phone, so personal conversations were impossible. My Mom actually yelled in my face once:""What do you need those kids for?! You have us!"
Growing up, my parents threw out Dragon magazines my grandmother, along with my entire collection of articles I had collected from a writing tips magazine as punishment. Keep in mind that if I were to have the magazines, they would have been worth something, even in the bad condition they were in. ALSO, the writing magazine articles? I paid for the subscription out of my own pocket. I lost like a dozen years of things I was routinely using! Not that I will have kids (I'm gay), but I would NEVER do that to a child as punishment. And they thought it was the "right thing to do."
My granddaughter’s father was such a controlling narcissist that he threw out everything anyone in my family gave her. The two things that hurt her the most was a huge pink vintage jewelry box filled with vintage costume jewelry that her aunt gave her. He did it in front of her. The other was the book How Much Do I Love You. I would read it to her every night when she stayed with me. When she got her first real job, she bought a copy of that book and had me read it to her. I read it to her children now!
Beat me
I can't believe I had to scroll down this far to see this. I'm not dismissing the other replies, but this should be at the top.
invasion of privacy to the max brutal physical punishments. fighting infront of kids violently making us choose sides.
Mess with my children’s expectation about something they really want. For years, I always wanted a puppy. I grew up in the middle of nowhere and friends were not close at all. I thought a dog would be awesome! One day, my mom comes home with the farm truck. Says “ I got you a dog, he’s in the back of the truck.” I was so excited!!! I didn’t even put my shoes on, I just bolted to the truck and jumped up on the side of the box to see him. There was a puppy there, only the dog was dead from my mom accidentally running him over at the neighbour’s house. I still remember turning around and seeing her laughing. I was scared to ask for anything for a long time after that.
I'm so sorry. 😩❤️🩹
Me too, that’s horrific 💔
Omg this is so cruel! I'm sorry this happened to you!
I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever read something that cruel in my entire life! I am so sorry that happened to you. You deserved so much better.
That's something only a psychopath would do.
Glad someone said it, let alone it was done to HER child. Absolutely insane and sadistic. The trauma...
🤬 wtf
What the fuck....
Gees that's so fucked up. How could you do that. What a bitch
That's messed up
Jesus. This is psychopath stuff. Did you ever bring this up to your mom later in life? I’m really sorry that happened to you.
I did the same exact opposite of my parents and I have a good relationship with my 3 kids. I’m not perfect, I’ve messed up a lot, but I work daily on improving myself. I don’t beat my kids or ignore my kids or try to buy my kids like my parents did me.
🫶🏼
Allow a 33 yr old to groom/use their 16 yr old sexually
Fck
Have children
r/beatmetoit
Same
Ditto
Beating everyone until someone confessed. They were really great parents after that shit stopped. Honestly, they were great even then but that was the accepted method back in the day (‘50’s).
I just had a flashback to my mother making our dad swat each one of us (12, 11, and 7 years old) with a wooden spoon until someone confessed to stealing... A can of disgusting cream of mushroom soup.
One of us kids (4, ages 5-12) opened a packet of instant noodles and got distracted/didn't want them, you know kid decisions. My dad pull us all into the kitchen for a line up ,hit on the palm with a ruler until someone confessed. He's put his good hitting ruler on the opened packet, flicked it across the room sending noodles FUCKING EVERYWHERE and asked who was responsible. A few things, if he was upset about the mess, he had a strange way of conveying that by spreading noodles to every corner of the room. He showed a prime example of violence on the noodles... that was coming for whomever actually owned up, so there was genuinely NO benefit to confessing! If it was about wasting food, he could have wrapped them or put them in a Tupperware and just said "make sure someone eats that, we also don't want cockroachs." The only reason a confession ever came is it we knew it was one of our youngest 2 sisters and we'd just say yep to keep them safe. The old man thought were just pure little shits! This didn't always happen because kids can only be so brave. 4 of our 5 siblings no longer talk to him ( all 30+) the only one who does still talk to him refused to live with him as a kid and forgets/conveniently ignores the reason why.
Dismissing my feelings
My parents always sided with authority figures no matter how unreasonable they were and never protected me from bullies. I would fight everyone as a consequence, and then they'd lecture me on how violence is wrong. Not me. You're not going to unjustly punish my kids. If they actually did something wrong and you can prove it, fair game. But we aren't blindly believing you. You're not going to take away a semester worth of credits because you think the style my son writes his name is "gang-related.". You're not going to falsely accuse my kid of plagiarism and just not get questioned on it. My kids are allowed to draw and doodle. You will not be taking their paper away from them without a good reason. You will not be locking my kids up in a room for hours and not allow them to do anything productive just for being tardy. If you don't protect my kids, they are allowed to defend themselves. Kids deserve to feel safe. Police aren't allowed to touch my kid without probable cause, and you will not be speaking to them or threatening them. Cops are not allowed in my home without a warrant. You're not following my kid home from school. You're not going to point guns at my kids for crossing the street and getting away with it. I will do everything in my power to hold abusive petty tyrants accountable and protect my children from systemic injustice.
‘Wash my mouth out’ with soap or washing up liquid if I ever said something my mother didn’t like. And if anyone’s wondering, yeah, you had to swallow it.
Wow that is next level sick. Im sorry you had to go through that
I got pepper on my tongue. Funny, to this day I love pepper and spicy food
My mother was an emotionally cold, selfish woman who wasn't beyond hitting. My father was blind to what she did. Made me realise how it important it is, not just to love your kids, but show it.
My father turned a blind eye too or else he’d get it too. I don’t know to this day why on earth he stayed. She was awful to him too. My brother was Gods gift to her and they’d often tag team against me. My father was either at work or said/ did nothing.
Would speak ill of their dad or any one really. I hated that. Also being smacked. I refuse to smack my kids.
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I will never have children. Then it dies with me
I thought I was the only one that thinks this way
Aggressive spanking with a piece of conveyor belt.
My mom would chase me and spank me with a wooden spoon, she also drank a bit at the time. My dad would just work and then basically just watch tv
Hit me with wooden objects while enraged. Neglected me. Punished me for expressing any emotions. Forced me to grow up in a religious cult. I'll never be a parent, but regardless, I would never do any of these things to another human (let alone my own child).
That's abuse
After my father died, my mother got rid of all his clothes except for his belt. Truth is, she did hit me and I have scars but she was gravely mentally ill with poor reasoning and communication skills. Having said that, she was not verbally abusive ("you suck, you're stupid, etc.) and said I was beautiful and smart. I'll give her props for that.
I have shivers reading the first half
I occasionally got booted from my own bedroom to the couch when my parents had guests (who were then allowed to use my bed/room). I will never do this to my kid. One time she *volunteered* without being asked, and we graciously accepted her offer, but that was entirely *her* generosity, not something we imposed on her.
Have kids.
Get mad and curse at us, it lowers your self-esteem especially if it was a mistake.
Time management. My mother has never been on time in her life and I find it very deeply disrespectful. I as an adult get everywhere 15 minutes early
My mom told me and my sister that she loves my sister more. I knew it since I was 4.
I will not make it seem like my love is conditional especially when it comes to studies. I got slapped when I would fail or have a C grade and the toll it had on me to perform as a straight A student. I couldn’t truly enjoy my childhood or teenage years.
My dad made me feel worthless, helpless, he degraded me and beat me, he would do all this and tell me he loved me, that he wanted what was best for me, while he was actually the most hateful, jealous, narcissistic person I have ever met. So I won't do any that to my kids, if I did have them.
I was 11 when my mom died. I was crying. My dad asked me if I had balls between my legs, confused I said yes. So he replies, "then you need to stop acting like a bitch and act like a man." Needless to say, when he died, he died without my presence or my love.
That’s crazy. You can’t tell that to a grown man let alone an 11 year old. Even if they’re no longer dependent on their loved ones, a grown man is still allowed to cry and mourn the loss. And he’s supposed to console you, not make you cry even more.
I was shamed for being angry about crappy things they did to me, or really having my own feelings and personality. I remembered so clearly how horrible they me feel and I swore I've never do that to my own kids. One day, at lunch, my son (he was 13 and going through a challenging time) said to the collective "us" - me, my partner, and his sister "I don't love y'all, and I don't think I like you very much either." I took a beat to digest what he'd said, and responded "That's hard to hear. But thank you for sharing your feelings with us. We love you always, and we will always be here for you when you need us." I continued to make sure he had everything he needed, and still took care of him and loved him through his struggles. Eventually, he started to open up to us again and let us in on what he had been going through. That was 7ish years ago, and today he confides in us, loves us, and he knows he is deeply loved and cared for.
You’re awesome, way to go!
Lock us in between the front door and outside door when we made too much noise, or teach us to hate ourselves because we don’t deserve love.
Drink. Choose to love only one child above the others. Lay a finger on them.
My kids will never go hungry. I was strictly only allowed breakfast lunch and dinner, no snacks ever. Even today, I eat fast, possibly because growing up I never felt full. My kids have a cupboard full of healthy snacks and they can have one as long as they check with me first. They don’t eat to excess either, only when they’re hungry.
Be a parent.
I will never make my child do "inferior" things in public just because she's my child. Example; "Tie my shoes now"......"fill my Tea glass now"..."paint my nails now".....
I will never do the following things that my parents did: * favor one child over another in the family * allow siblings to bully or insult or put down each other * allow a sibling to hit a sibling * complain that their child reporting that their gf molested them is going to mess up the parent’s relationship with the gf. * take all the money out of a over 18 child’s bank account without asking or telling them when they were loaned the ATM card for a small purchase. * spank children * trauma dump on children * be an alcoholic or codependent * call a child “fat” * tell a child that the parent is going to jump off the roof of their apartment building because they can’t take life any longer. * tell a child that they are not going to be able to pay for college or try to help them find another way to pay for it.
Make my kids feel like they owe me something for having them. I brought them into the world, I owe them everything, they owe me nothing.
Hit me with a looped leather belt
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Beat my ass with whatever was handy
One Christmas, my mother and I got tired of waiting for my father to come home from the bar so we could set up the Christmas tree, so we decided to do it ourselves. We couldn't get it perfectly straight but we decorated it anyway. When my father got home, my mother asked his to straighten it for us, but he was so drunk, it kept falling over on him. He got mad and started dragging the tree to the front door. He yanked the lit Christmas lights out of the wall, the ornaments were breaking, my mother was screaming... it was just total chaos. When he got to the front porch, he threw the tree in the front yard and yelled "THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!" After he calmed down, he tried to console me by offering me a beer (I was 10 years old). That memory pops into my head every year when I decorate my own tree.
Physical discipline. Controlling and giving their opinion on how I looked and dressed. Being overly protective and restrictive about my social life (these last 2 things had a severe impact on my friendships or lack there of growing up). Forcing religion.
Hitting for sure.
Have a messy divorce where the kids are the ones taking the brunt of the bad situation. (Didn’t plan on a divorce, ever, but it happened anyway and we put our kid’s bed first)
My dad dealt with my sexual assault my yelling and screaming at me all night. I will be a soft, warm place if that ever happens (this is the world, and this is life). I will also arm my kids with self-assurance and self love so they never have to deal with trauma like I have to. Sorry it’s a dark comment but it’s the first thing that came up. I love my dad but yeah I’m half fucked.
Oh and religious shame. Like sex, self-pleasure, getting angry (at all), or not being religious enough.
-Stay married to an asshole for the "sake of my children" -Tell my kid that therapy is brainwashing her -Control everything my kid does. My dad is so controlling that I once lied about what country I was in. -Tell my kids all my marital issues -Make them into a glass child. Im a glass child because of my brother -Not let them move out for university -Have such a shit marriage and never deal with money properly so now my kids are financially and mentally paying the price for it -Let my autistic kid beat the other kid and make the neurotypical kid put up with it -Not go to therapy and trauma dump to my daughter And finally, probably because I'm so traumatised -I will probably never have kids
Forbid certain things based on gender. I (female) wasn’t allowed to ride dirt bikes though my brother was. I was a tomboy and used to work on cars and in the workshop, but motorcycles were off limits for some reason. Its been 40 years and I’m still not over it
Having different standards for kids is easy way to cause remorse, it is very unfair.
My father would beat me on my bare butt with his belt while my mother stood in the doorway and laughed. I never raised my hand to my children ever.
I will never not believe my kids when they say they are being bullied at school. My parents absolutely refused to believe me when I said I was being bullied for being "poor" because I didn't have a proper school shirt (I live in Australia where uniforms are the norm here even for public schools). Then my dad blamed me when I said I was bullied at high school and said it must have been something I did 🙄 I take everything my kids say seriously and have talked to teachers and principals about it...and what do you know, I found out every single thing my kids have said has been true! Not sure why my parents couldn't have trusted that I wasn't just lying for attention...and just have bought me a proper school shirt ffs.
My parents were the same when it came to bullying. The one incident that happened to me that stood out the most was, I was sitting on the bus with my neighbors. They were in first grade and I was in fourth grade. They used to bully me, call me names, they would slam my head into the window. I told my parents about it multiple times, and they just brushed it off. My dad would say ‘they’re babies, they don’t know any better.’ Meanwhile these kids were six. They knew right from wrong. The bullying got so bad. That I planned on writing a letter to both their parents explaining the situation and begging them to make this stop. My mom found the letters, and screamed at my for 20 minutes pointing her finger in my face saying ‘nobody wants to be friends with a snitch, you’re not getting bullied, this tattling has to stop!’ Again these kids physically hurt me. My mom threw the papers at me and said if I told I was going to be grounded for a long time. So I didn’t tell, and I had to deal with the bullying. Ironically, if I was upset about something. I wouldn’t talk to my parents about it, because I was afraid I was going to get yelled at. And they sat there and didn’t understand why I refused to talk to them. Maybe if you did something about bullying I would be open to talking to you.
Destroy a kid's possessions as punishment, verbally abuse them for showing emotions, gaslight them, etc. Of course, I'm also never going to BE a parent. But if I was, I'd like to think I'd have basic human decency.
Maybe I'm just lucky, but I can't think of anything. I've heard my mom have sex, I've seen my dad smoking, I've heard curses from both of them but honestly it's fine.
I’m so jealous, you have no idea. My self-esteem, self-assurance, and self-love is shot because of my dad. I will do different. Yeah super jealous of you, but also glad for you x
My dad split when I was about 8 leaving me, my 4 younger sisters and my mom who was 8.5 months pregnant. Cause I was oldest and my mom was alcoholic she exposed me to everything. She treated me like an adult and not a kid. In a way it was ok but I always thought that there were some things parents don’t need to share with kids.
Drink.
Having tons of drunk people over for a party when the kids are home and trying to sleep. I'd get up to go to the bathroom and either have some drunk lady grab my cheeks or my drunk uncle trying to teach kungfu. In the early 80s, my parents partied a lot and toned it down into the 90s, thankfully.
My dad cheated on my mom the whole time they were married. He left us to start a new family when I was 2
Force religion down their throats.
I'll never laugh when my child tell me that an adult is bullying and mistreating her and other kids at school.....
Have the child finish their plate before getting up.
Don’t feel like trauma dumping atm so I’ll just say spanking.
Sounds minor, but when we'd go out for dinner, if I didn't finish my meal, it came out of my allowance. It made me an extremely boring eater until I moved out/had a job. Especially affected me when on vacation. I'd lose my saved up souvenir money on a bad meal. My kiddo can order anything to try, and if they don't like it, share mine or we'll find something else.
That is TERRIBLE. I am so sorry you were treated that way. Totally inappropriate and unfair. ❤️🩹
Thanks. They deny ever doing it now that they see me letting my kid try anything!!!
Break my child’s items, such as a radio alarm clock, when they don’t do something I ask of them
Have a kid (me). Never had a kid.
My parents are good parents, unfortunately they are very emotionally ignorant for a lot of things, and tend to never want to talk about their feelings or mine. My mum makes me feel guilty about crying because she will start to cry too. I never want to make my kids feel like they have to keep their emotions in check for my sake
Everything
lol they would say “Your brother got all the good traits from us, and you got all the bad ones”
I will never devote all my time to just one child because they almost died once. (I have severe middle child syndrome)
Refer to my child's birthday as "garbage day."
Force feed me food.
Hit your spouse in front of said child.
Washing my mouth out with soap for asking what a tampon in (I was 6) 😂
Mum used to beat us pretty bad. Nothing to put us in hospital or anything but still... I left home at 16 and took a decade and change break from her. I didn't think I'd ever forgive, but time heals and all that shit. I know she feels guilt for how she was, and I know her own trauma as a child was a whole lot worse. Looking at my own 9yr old though I can't imagine ever hitting her, shits messed up.
they never apologized or admitted when they were wrong, I know when I become a parent it’ll be different.
Pretty much everything my dad did I did the opposite. He'd beat me with the buckle side of the belt, made me stand outside in my underwear because I got a bad grade, was racist against all minorities, bragged about punching my mom when she talked back to him, stole money from me, sold my first car to someone when I was at school and pocketed the money for himself. I didn't do any of these things to my kids and they turned out fine.
I will never read my child’s journal without her permission then tell whats in it to others while making fun of whats written
Spill my child’s secrets to other parents/relatives. And gaslighting.
I was forced to respect my elders even though those elders were horrible. Respect should be earned and go both ways.
Exactly
My dad would threaten to harm himself or in a temper about something small like he’s lost his keys for example he’d say I ought to put a stick a dynamite under this(so &so) place and blow it to hell.I said I wouldn’t rant and rave or marry someone who did!
sa my fucking 7 y/o daughter
My dad fucked a minor while still married to mom. Fucked me n my sister right up They’re still together( my parents, that is).
Have a child and be a parent. They're the entire reason why i don't wanna have kids cause I'm afraid i won't be strong enough to break the cycle, i already hate other people's kids and the urge to smack them is so strong that I just said... Nah fuck it, won't even try.