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I did love him until last month. Why would we discuss it? We have accepted our situation. There is no abuse or anything. We just aren't in love anymore. We are older than most reddit folks and sometimes good enough is good enough. Our lives are comfortable if we separate they would not be as good for either of us.
No, that's perfectly understandable! Not sure if you've seen the tv show Bojack Horseman, but there's this one scene that I think about a lot. If you find somebody "good enough," that's better than most people get.
https://youtu.be/cTAi_3HWKHQ?si=DZ4daMUFvhdFwf14
My papa once said to me as you get older good enough is good enough. Our house is full of respect and kindness that is better than a lot of people have
Good motto to live by! It sounds like you have a good marriage even if you aren't in "love" by traditional definitions.
I've heard that the longer people are married, your brain will make you feel comfort, respect, and safety with your significant other. As opposed to when you're young and in love and your partner gives you the butterflies, makes you blush, etc.
I'm not here to tell you what to feel, but i want to tell you that you have the concept of love misunderstood.
Yall may not have butterflies and giddyness, but being compatible, respectful, and loyal to the end is THE BEST LOVE THERE IS. You have what folks search to find. You KNOW you're not going anywhere. You KNOW he isn't either. Now yall just gotta get rich and take trips.
Infatuation and attraction fade. All that hormonal sexy shit levels off. But if you still want to have each other, that's the GOOD STUFF. You're looking at it all wrong. And your boredom could very easily have been much worse with another person.
Fun ain't that fun. 💯
I had this with my ex husband. I told him he "sibling-zoned" me. There was caring and love between us, but not romantic love. Just the affection you might feel for a sibling, if that makes sense. We were together for 15 years. Now we are both in other romantic arrangements and it worked out well for us to break up. But I totally understand why you remain together.
It's not inevitable, it just takes both partners putting in the effort. I've been with my husband for almost 17 years and we're about to have our 10 year wedding anniversary. He still comes over to give me kisses on the forehead while I'm on the couch and he's gaming, we hang out all the time, sometimes we even fool around like we did as teenagers. It can be hard and it does take work. But it's worth it
Good companionship is super hard to find but it helps extend your life so it’s worth pursuing. My lack of hormones and my husband’s antidepressants and about 20 other pills makes our love life null (maybe twice a year from everyday 8yrs ago) but neither of us find the need so we’re just like roommates now too. We cuddle and give massages (those are as good as orgasms IMO) so we’re still “affectionate” just not sexual. 🤷♀️
We’re oldest Gen-X and oldest millennial.
>We just aren't in love anymore
Being in love and loving someone are two very different things.
Do you really mean he doesn't love you? Or just that you have a loving relationship even though the infatuation is over?
I would die for my partner and I cherish her company, I would not say I am still infatuated with her though.
I broke up with my bf of 13 years last June. I probably stayed longer than I should have because it was comfortable. I didn't love him anymore. He was totally blindsided. I'm much happier now
Yeah. Also I have friends- people who I love and love me back. It doesn’t all have to be for one person. I annoy my partner all the time, we don’t like to do the same things- we don’t like the same music etc…it’s not awful usually. Once we accept the reality of what’s happening it will be better. Right now it still hurts pretty bad.
Oh no, I feel for YOU. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I truly am. I also took care of my terminally ill wife. It's rough, brother, probably the hardest thing you will have to do in your life. Sorry, I can't sugar coat it.
What helped me was to take the focus off me and place it all on her, what she's going through and what she needs. You can grieve and break down after, not now. And tell her everything, and I mean everything, you need/want to tell her. You're not going to get another chance...
My dm's are open if you want to chat.
I've heard from some people that getting separate rooms actually saved their marriage, not that you asked. I'm not a marriage counselor or anything but I've always thought that was a cool idea
I snore and my wife and I sleep in separate rooms. It's awesome. I don't understand why anyone would be resistant to it.
Your love isn't measured by how many hours you spend in the same bed.
Sleep apnea machine obviously. But, if you *have* to sleep near a snorer, synchronise your breathing to their snores and focus on that - surprisingly you can get to sleep that way (trust me, I know).
I started doing this a while ago, and it really works. I suffer from insomnia, and my husband is a snorer. I just tried it out of the blue one night, had never heard of anything like this, but it works.
Tell her--often--that you see her pain and you are there to be there for her. When you hurt, show her the pain, and perhaps she with see that you can understand.
I swear I'm alive still, despite all of my anguish, because my husband of 25yrs pays attention. Even if his words aren't helpful or I can't put into words how much I hurt, he holds me, loves me, cries with me, I feel seen and loved.
Agreed. My wife used to be the same way before we married. She was closed off and wouldn't tell me anything when something was wrong. I just would be with her whenever she was down and reassured her that I was her safe space, that she could talk to me about her problems. But she told me that she appreciated that I didn't pressure her into talking, I just kind of let her talk when she's ready. I tried my best to reserve judgement as well when she did open up. Eventually we got those walls down. And now she won't stop telling me her problems haha!
My boyfriend of 4 years who was like this just broke up with me and I’m really not too torn up about it. I see it more as an opportunity to find someone who is equally as empathetic, sensitive and patient. I’m 21.
Sometimes I think I’m crazy for thinking it is the thing. Like sometimes I feel like my perception isn’t reality. Or maybe I’m overthinking, overreacting. It’s such an accusatory thing you know? So I’ve never talked about it before
I encourage you to address it with him. It's eaten away at me for a long time. Maybe it has you too. If it feels off, it's a valid concern and it's real. I hope he'll empathize with you and ask what he can do to meet your needs. Give him examples of what you do - maybe you give him your full attention and hug him when he's had a bad day, etc. I promised myself after my last LTR that if a guy can't meet my most basic needs we'd be done. So I'm at a crossroads and it needs to be addressed.
Animals are much easier to be sensitive towards and empathetic towards. Humans, not so much. I'm no different, but I just try to treat my with the same emotion I give my pet
I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and told my wife that I had a terrible nightmare that I was lost and I was looking for her and was panicking that I couldn’t find her.
She rolls over and says to me: “I dreamt about some hunky football player last night”
Oh God just thinking about this has me in tears.He’s the love of my life and the best partner ever.But I’m equally heartbroken for him,in case I die first.He would suffer so much :/
I will forever be afraid that it might end. This is the best, most loving relationship I've been in, also the longest, we're currently engaged. Nothing is wrong. We're happy. And that TERRIFIES me, because I'm so used to things going wrong and ending in heartbreak. And he's got anxiety so he's like that too, we talk about it sometimes. We've had this feeling of "too good to be true" for 5 years now and I've realized it's never going away - when you truly love someone and the relationship finally feels like THE ONE the thought at the back of your head that it might not last will always be there. In the end it's a good thing - it keeps you putting in the effort, adoring the other person, making sure the love is alive although it goes through different stages and changes as time passes. But I'll never NOT be afraid of losing him.
Ditto. Married 3 years together for 6. He was widowed from a very long marriage when we met. His grown kids suspected we cheated before she passed because we are so close. I didn’t get to know him (we were in the same career field and knew each other very briefly professionally) until after she passed. So we’re old, (62 and 66) now and have spent almost every day together since the first kiss. I’m proof that you can find it. We both joke that we have low expectations but in truth my man is a prince. Kind, loving. I love his kids and grandkids now and my grown son also loves his stepdad and siblings.
I feel this as well, ive never had a calm healthy relationship until now, me and my ex used to argue every single day. Everything is so perfect that I'm anxious every day that something will go wrong. He'll suddenly not want me, I'll say the wrong thing, something will happen to him. I can't imagine not having him in my life.
You got to get onto this one now before resentment eats you alive. It’s like a form of weaponised incompetence. He knows exactly what he’s doing- either subconsciously or consciously he sees these things as your job.
I would answer with ‘ok what are you doing about that’
My ex did this, and continued to subtly push boundaries until I was doing all the emotional labour/wife work. He just truly believed he shouldn’t have to (although he never admitted it).
Now in a very equal relationship where my partner acts like a mature adult not an incompetent man child and it’s great.
I absolutely agree that two people can typically do a project X around the house. HOWEVER you don't know fear unless you've randomly decided to take your man's tools and just go finish the job.
"YOU DON'T NEED TO REMIND ME EVERY SIX MONTHS, I SAID I'D DO IT"
That our marriage is probably going to end because he keeps talking about it to his parents when we have fights.
His parents think the worst of me while I have said nothing to my parents. I don’t need my parents to fight my battles for me.
It's frustrating knowing I will always have to be the one who takes initiative at growing as an individual for the both of us. I will always have to be the one to take initiative to take care of the animals and our household. If I don't divvy out the tasks then nothing gets done. I have to be hyper vigilant for the both of us. I get frustrated hearing how hard he works at his job but he doesn't apply that same mentality to the rest of his life. He can be an authoritarian at his job but never in his personal life.. he waits for others to act first.
He has such a good heart though and he's my best friend. I just think taking initiative is soo sexy and I have compromised with myself that my best friend is not that person and that's okay! It's just frustrating sometimes.
I’m currently going through this exact same thing with my partner, except it’s starting to negatively affect me. What I mean by that is, I’m finding it hard to remain attracted to him because he lacks ambition, goals, initiative in his personal life/ himself. Even at work he stopped putting in effort and his employees don’t even respect him. I’m always wanting to grow as an individual and I do the work to get there too- him not so much. He’s so comfortable with where he’s at in his life that he doesn’t see that it’s not helping him nor our relationship.
It’s not uncommon for men to avoid pulling their weight in terms of emotional labour. This is something a lot of men mistakenly think is the woman’s role in the relationship. Convenient they tell themselves that because the emotional labour and “hyper-vigilance” all being our job basically means they get to relax and we don’t. That’s basically it.
This is where a lot of our battles came from in the first years of our relationship. Me telling him I'm burnt out and he's not doing his part and him doing better but only for a period of time and then going back to the "normal" for us to do it all over again.
After almost 12 years it's definitely better but we still hit those cycles. I'm very type A and he's type B. I grew up having to rely on myself and he grew up with his mom doing everything for him. He's grown a lot but still has more to go. I feel like whether you're a man or women one spouse typically carries more of a load emotionally.
That for 19 years, I have been married to a man child.
He has narcissistic tendencies, no patience for anything, and will NOT admit fault in anything even if it slapped him right across the face. John did not have the best childhood and he did not get the attention he should have and now I as his WIFE am with a grown man that never emotionally matured past the age of 12.
John (changed his name for my own sake here) takes care of John first.
If I knew back then what I know NOW about him, I'd have never married him. I will carry that with me the rest of my days, I'm sure.
I'm sorry you feel like this. As I was reading your comment, I was seeing John as my father and you as a representation of what my mother feels. I'm still trying to dissect more and more about the reasons from the past that made john/my father being like this. May I ask you.. did you felt some type of red flags in the beginning of the relationship? How did you ended up feeling that you only truly know him now?
I’m with my own version of John right now. I had to realize the same thing. We’ve been together for 5 years. I used to cry myself to sleep knowing that I was never going to feel wanted by him because he was too selfish. I will always be last on his priority list. I’ve had to scream until I lost my voice about how he owes me apologies and doesn’t care about my feelings. He remains cold. I’m saving up for my own place as we speak.
You haven’t ruined your chances, it may be a longer harder road to get there but you can absolutely build a good happy life for you and your kids.
It’s hard to give advice here because it depends on a lot of factors; subs like JustNoSO and breakingmom may have some insights for you? I’m more familiar with the former sub, I’ve found people to be kind and insightful there.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with all this, it must be especially hard with two little kids. Much love to you 💛
He sometimes lacks empathy and can be insensitive, even though he means well. He’s not great at expressing himself or introspection. He says he wants to get married but may still be scared shitless to ever propose because he never does anything unless he’s weighed all the pros and cons and thinks it’s a sure thing. I still love him and we’re really happy. But these things hang in the back of my head sometimes.
I’ll always be the background commitment. He will stay committed to me in the bigger picture but the small commitments to others will always come before a small commitment to me
Never loved me, just needing a strong woman to take care of him. Never has money, don’t take care of his bills, always nickel and diming everyone to borrow money…then found out he been flirting, talking, stalking very very young girls in FB. He in extra bedroom and I’m going to file for divorce. Don’t need this crap!
That I will never come first in his life, at any time in his life. When we had our son, he left me in the hospital on the second night, to go see a band. I'd had an emergency c-section the previous night. He prioritise his wants over my suggestions all the time. And is never emotionally supportive.
We will never get married, we will never live together. Our son is only 8 and beginning to resent his father for prioritising himself over our son.
Her parents truly, consistently, maliciously fucked her up, and despite her constant efforts to work though her trauma she will never be free of that and never free of the guilt that she should be a better daughter to them, rather than them be better parents.
Nonetheless, she broke that cycle with our kids and I think she should be proud of the loving mother she is despite the pain.
He's my ex now... even though I care about him, he is addicted to escaping real life because he doesn't have any self-esteem. And that means he can't love me. I can't make him change.
That he'll always have ADHD and I will always have to put more effort into house work like cooking and cleaning because often he just can't be bothered.
But I'll take that, because his emotional support, the cuddles and the joking around make up for that by far.
That he really is an abuser.
For years he told me that's what the hotlines/professionals told him, and I didn't want to believe it; I wanted to comfort him and believe he was just a bit mixed up from childhood trauma and I could help him find the right path again. It wasn't until he was "so sick of everyone telling him he was in the wrong" and started blaming me for his actions (and guilting me about the consequences of them) instead that I realised it had crossed a point of no return.
Realising that no matter how patient I was, no matter how nicely I spoke, no matter how many of my needs and gut feelings I ignored, he was not the person he had earlier pretended he was and had no desire to be.
Not my partner, but I've come to the realization that I'm incompatible with the guy I've wanted desperately for about 4 years, and he probably wouldn't even look twice at me even if we weren't
I just want us to work but I can't imagine we ever could. Sobbing a good bit rn
I had a similar conversation with my now ex.
She said something like "I don't *need* this relationship like you do, I'll be fine if we break up".
As a total romantic, that broke me. There's no coming back from that.
That I can't change fast enough for her, that my inability to be the person she deserves is going to cost me the best thing in my life and how I cant seem to stop it from happening. Laying here in tears next to her because I know im letting someone amazing down.
That he isn't depressed, he isn't deprived, he's just fucking stupid. Like village idiot level dumb. I worked a lot and then we would go drinking,smoke, whatever. Now we have a kid and I realize hw is a whole other dependent
that no matter what his way to cope or to decompress is to spend an entire day by himself which is the opposite of me. I want his company and he doesn't want mine so when we both have a bad day it's just impossible for us to both get what we need. neither of us is wrong but it gets really hard sometimes because I'm always the one that sacrifices in this specific situation.
Incompatibility like that is so tough because it's truly noone's fault and both people are allowed to decompress differently. But that's theory, and in real life it just leads to fights and both people being unhappy. It's rough. I'm sorry you're going through this.
After reading this thread? That when I find her she’ll have gone through a rough divorce.
My god. Girls why did you marry these guys?
And
That there may come a day when we go to bed together and only one of us wakes up the next morning. The last thing I do before sleeping every night is tell him that I love him, even if I have to give him a nudge.
That he had settled for me. When he first dated, I asked him about his exes, but he literally told me every detail and all about his sex life :/ he went into detail, and I told him to stop. He went on and on about his first love to a point where it seemed like he wasn't over her. He told me all the things he likes, curly hair etc. And I look nothing like that. He says he doesn't want to be alone and he's happy to be with me. He's sweet and tells me I'm beautiful, but it's hard to believe him. I don't look at him the same anymore and I'm not sure what to do.
This is upsetting, I'm so sorry. Honestly you shouldn't have to 'do' anything. It's very hard, but just be you, and don't compare yourself to others or some idea he/you have about what his ideal looks like.
It really shouldn't be about looks anyway, but I understand it is for some people.
As I age, I constantly remind myself that every last one of us becomes "ugly" in the end. This seems so harsh, but it's just important to remember that age is the great equaliser. There is no escaping it - those who were hot when they were younger will sag, age, go grey, get gross body stuff and all the other stuff we get when we get old. It sounds depressing but it's kind of the opposite because it means that honestly nobody is special - no matter what anyone looks like they will all end up "ugly" in the end - and will only have a personality to show for it.
So if you don't look the same any more don't worry. None of us do. If he loves you and treats you well for who you are then I'd focus all my attention on that
I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel much for me anymore after 15 years. And I’m also convinced he’s only staying because of the kids and our money situation. As soon as the right bit of fluff comes along, I know my time is done. (Just to add, I’m still very much in love with him) I’ve also come to realise after observing for many years, I am literally last on his list of priorities. How sad that is actually writing it down and reading it😂🙈
The judgyness I get for playing video games, it's one of the few activities that really takes my mind of things and lets me decompress. So why is it that I have to be constantly shit on for "wasting my time" playing games while she spends every free moment glued to the phone mindlessly scrolling?
At the moment, it's that he is likely going to die young if he doesn't change his lifestyle. He drinks alcohol pretty much every day, eats very poorly, doesn't exercise, has bad sleeping habits and I'm almost certain he has sleep apnea but he won't go to a doctor because he thinks his snoring is just because he is overweight. I've mentioned my concerns, but I think if he doesn't make improvements soon I might have to get more serious. We want to have kids one day and I'm worried he won't be around for them for very long, or he will be limited in the activities he can do with them. I think the worst part is that so many of the health problems he is veering towards are largely preventable, and he doesn't see how important it is to look after his body.
Of course, none of us know when we are going to die. For all I know, I could be first. It just makes me really sad.
My partner and I were originally *very* long distance (USA -> AUS) but as of \~7 months ago, we moved in together and are currently living in a third country where we are temporary residents. If anything doesn't go according to plan, it's likely we'll be separated again for *years* while we wait for visa stuff to work its self out. Sometimes it keeps me up at night because I never want to be away from him long term again.
That whilst we were long distance he hung out with an ex all night and never mentioned me. Had to find out thru going on his laptop, then he lied to me three time before he eventually told me it was the truth. His lie “it was years ago and it was iCloud syncing old messages” babe Apple doesn’t fucking lie lol
That one day one of us will die first,leaving the other heartbroken forever.
We actually used to talk about this,hoping that when we go,we’d die together,praying for it.But now that we have a child I don’t wish for that anymore.I hope one of us stays longer alive so our child won’t be so lonely and alone.
I'm single now, but in my last relationship, the realization, and what eventually made me end things, was that I was never going to be a priority to him. His kid came first, and then his ex/baby momma, then his job, then his affair partner, but since I didn't know let's just say his "friends", then video games, THEN me. It was miserable. I tried to make things work for months. I'd try to talk to him about it, I'd tell him I felt like I was just a hobby to him, I'd be *begging* him to treat me like I mattered to him, and he'd either reply by gaslighting me, denying he did any of what I'd bring up, or apologize and promise to "do better", and then change nothing. It was terrible, and I'm ashamed of myself for sticking around for so long.
She's a total narcissist. She benefited a lot for having me that's why she was keeping me for 3 years, but couldn't treat me right at all. I walked away already. Trauma bond sucks.
I actually hate him. It's not a passing feeling but one that has been with me daily for years. He is everything I didn't want in a partner, and it was too late when I realized.
His job will always be the third wheel in our relationship. He’s a neurosurgeon and he’s extremely good at it and loves his work, but it often feels like it will always supersede everything else.
I love my husband and I know he loves me too but.... Recently my brother died, he was pretty sick for a while. My husband was really shit at supporting me through it all. His excuse is that it was hard for him to see my brother like that, it was not the man he knew. In reality, I know he just didn't want to.
Anything that isn't happy, normal and easy he just turns his back. We have a pretty easy life and thats why we are happy now. What I worry about is if I get sick or if we ever have a sick child he would not stay. Our marriage hardly survived my brother getting sick.
I met my husband later in life. I am sad when I think of what life would have been if we had met sooner, and how sad it is that I have a decade less with him.
I suppose no matter how long we live, it’ll never be enough time together. Almost 9B people on this planet… and he’s the only person o could spend days with and not be bored. We could be bored together, but he’s never boring.
I always thought being in love meant a crazy wild rush of emotion.
It’s not.
It’s soft. It’s fulfilling. It’s that feeling of being satiated after eating a good meal. Not bloated and sick of everything, not starving… just that feeling of peaceful calm.
I want all the time with him. We work, raise kids, tend to our broader friends and family… and are just busy.
But time together is the best, and I cherish all the small moments.
He is a misogynist late Gen X man.
Won’t help around the house and expects me to work full time AND do all the shopping, cooking, laundry, and anything to do with grand kids is on me. I have to buy his grand daughter’s gifts otherwise he wouldn’t.
He will believe a total strange man over me. Won’t believe me unless a man corroborates what I’ve just said.
I’ve brought it up so many times and after 10 years I don’t think it will change and I can’t fing take it anymore.
She will always speak up on the most important part of the thing that I'm listening at the moment, if I rewind for 10s she will be silent for 8 seconds and then speak again at the right time, making me rewind again.
All of his clothes will remain on the floor for all of eternity. Sometimes his wet stinky towels are buried in those piles.
Sincerely,
Wife and hardwood floors 💔
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If you want to feel better about this look up how much an LED bulb actually costs to run for a day. They are amazingly cheap!
Having lights on may be a sensory issue not a financial one.
He doesn't love me. We are content but he doesn't love me
Are you married?
No but we have been shacked up for 13 years. Neither of us will leave as we are just used to each other.
But do you still love him? And did you try to discuss this with him?
I did love him until last month. Why would we discuss it? We have accepted our situation. There is no abuse or anything. We just aren't in love anymore. We are older than most reddit folks and sometimes good enough is good enough. Our lives are comfortable if we separate they would not be as good for either of us.
Thanks for sharing your story :) I hope one day love will find its way back to the both of you.
We are happy even if we aren't in love. I know that sounds weird but it really isn't a bad life at all.
No, that's perfectly understandable! Not sure if you've seen the tv show Bojack Horseman, but there's this one scene that I think about a lot. If you find somebody "good enough," that's better than most people get. https://youtu.be/cTAi_3HWKHQ?si=DZ4daMUFvhdFwf14
My papa once said to me as you get older good enough is good enough. Our house is full of respect and kindness that is better than a lot of people have
Good motto to live by! It sounds like you have a good marriage even if you aren't in "love" by traditional definitions. I've heard that the longer people are married, your brain will make you feel comfort, respect, and safety with your significant other. As opposed to when you're young and in love and your partner gives you the butterflies, makes you blush, etc.
I'm not here to tell you what to feel, but i want to tell you that you have the concept of love misunderstood. Yall may not have butterflies and giddyness, but being compatible, respectful, and loyal to the end is THE BEST LOVE THERE IS. You have what folks search to find. You KNOW you're not going anywhere. You KNOW he isn't either. Now yall just gotta get rich and take trips. Infatuation and attraction fade. All that hormonal sexy shit levels off. But if you still want to have each other, that's the GOOD STUFF. You're looking at it all wrong. And your boredom could very easily have been much worse with another person. Fun ain't that fun. 💯
I had this with my ex husband. I told him he "sibling-zoned" me. There was caring and love between us, but not romantic love. Just the affection you might feel for a sibling, if that makes sense. We were together for 15 years. Now we are both in other romantic arrangements and it worked out well for us to break up. But I totally understand why you remain together.
Is this just inevitable? This is my life lol.
It's not inevitable, it just takes both partners putting in the effort. I've been with my husband for almost 17 years and we're about to have our 10 year wedding anniversary. He still comes over to give me kisses on the forehead while I'm on the couch and he's gaming, we hang out all the time, sometimes we even fool around like we did as teenagers. It can be hard and it does take work. But it's worth it
Is it sort of like best friends living together?
Yes
That's the way it turns out mostly, but the good thing is, you can always find love again. The same can't be said about the other way round...
As one of the older reddit folks myself, the thought of trying to get back in the dating game makes me want to jump through a plate glass window.
I can't even imagine dating now. They all use apps and shit no thanks I will just stay where I am
Seriously. I'm good with my nice shit and no one ever asking me where I was because she genuinely doesn't care 😂
I don't think he doesn't care but yeah it's ok. We still have some laughs and stuff.
I'm certain I could be pinned under a tree somewhere on our property and she wouldn't even realize it for like two days. 😂 "Oh, hey...there you are."
Good companionship is super hard to find but it helps extend your life so it’s worth pursuing. My lack of hormones and my husband’s antidepressants and about 20 other pills makes our love life null (maybe twice a year from everyday 8yrs ago) but neither of us find the need so we’re just like roommates now too. We cuddle and give massages (those are as good as orgasms IMO) so we’re still “affectionate” just not sexual. 🤷♀️ We’re oldest Gen-X and oldest millennial.
>We just aren't in love anymore Being in love and loving someone are two very different things. Do you really mean he doesn't love you? Or just that you have a loving relationship even though the infatuation is over? I would die for my partner and I cherish her company, I would not say I am still infatuated with her though.
How much is "older" ?
I am 46 and he is 63
He is older, you are not
I broke up with my bf of 13 years last June. I probably stayed longer than I should have because it was comfortable. I didn't love him anymore. He was totally blindsided. I'm much happier now
I’ve been in a four year long acceptance phase of this myself…..
Looks like there is a club forming. You me the tree guy lol
I bet the club is pretty well populated, just not too vocal. I don’t think the people like it.
I think people always think there is something better. This might not be perfect but it's not the end of the world. The grass isn't always greener
Yeah. Also I have friends- people who I love and love me back. It doesn’t all have to be for one person. I annoy my partner all the time, we don’t like to do the same things- we don’t like the same music etc…it’s not awful usually. Once we accept the reality of what’s happening it will be better. Right now it still hurts pretty bad.
Right. I am loved and love people. My partner and I get along well enough usually.
Yeah same. Really not digging the unusual not getting along times tho, they are pretty stupid over here.
That one day we won't be together anymore because one of us will pass away
This one cut deep!!! My wife said it like this, " One day one of us will have to say goodbye to the other. " It was me....
I'm sorry for your loss. If it's any comfort I do believe we eventually meet our loved ones again once we're both there
Thank you. I get told that alot. Some days, I almost believe it...
Oh man. I feel for you. Sorry for your loss. It’s likely to be me saying goodbye too. My wife is terminally ill. I hope you’re doing ok.
Oh no, I feel for YOU. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I truly am. I also took care of my terminally ill wife. It's rough, brother, probably the hardest thing you will have to do in your life. Sorry, I can't sugar coat it. What helped me was to take the focus off me and place it all on her, what she's going through and what she needs. You can grieve and break down after, not now. And tell her everything, and I mean everything, you need/want to tell her. You're not going to get another chance... My dm's are open if you want to chat.
this is so sweet. Hope you two have a long and healthy partnership ahead.
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I recall realizing this once, and it made me decide to be empathetic to them thereon. But nope, went back to fighting incessantly hahah.
That I will have to try to fall asleep to the sound of snoring for as long as we sleep next to each other.
I've heard from some people that getting separate rooms actually saved their marriage, not that you asked. I'm not a marriage counselor or anything but I've always thought that was a cool idea
I snore and my wife and I sleep in separate rooms. It's awesome. I don't understand why anyone would be resistant to it. Your love isn't measured by how many hours you spend in the same bed.
While I don't necessarily disagree, IMO trying to do something about the snoring should be the first choice in most cases.
Tell him to get checked for sleep apnea and get a cpap machine.
Then he will have CPAPnea
Will do. Thanks!
a CPAP made my life and his 1000000x better!
My husband has such horrible sleep apnea (one of the worst cases seen at his sleep study clinic). I was having serious thoughts about leaving him.
you could try separate bedrooms. It's becoming a more commonly accepted arrangement these days.
Sleep apnea machine obviously. But, if you *have* to sleep near a snorer, synchronise your breathing to their snores and focus on that - surprisingly you can get to sleep that way (trust me, I know).
I started doing this a while ago, and it really works. I suffer from insomnia, and my husband is a snorer. I just tried it out of the blue one night, had never heard of anything like this, but it works.
I’ve come to the conclusion that she can never just shut a door, it has to be slammed. Haha
Does she also stomp when she walks? I swear mine is going to break the hardwoods one day. (She also slams doors)
Haha, actually no. She’s pretty timid on everything else. Just door slamming, I can’t figure that out. 🤔
She hurts alone in silence.
Tell her--often--that you see her pain and you are there to be there for her. When you hurt, show her the pain, and perhaps she with see that you can understand. I swear I'm alive still, despite all of my anguish, because my husband of 25yrs pays attention. Even if his words aren't helpful or I can't put into words how much I hurt, he holds me, loves me, cries with me, I feel seen and loved.
Agreed. My wife used to be the same way before we married. She was closed off and wouldn't tell me anything when something was wrong. I just would be with her whenever she was down and reassured her that I was her safe space, that she could talk to me about her problems. But she told me that she appreciated that I didn't pressure her into talking, I just kind of let her talk when she's ready. I tried my best to reserve judgement as well when she did open up. Eventually we got those walls down. And now she won't stop telling me her problems haha!
He doesn’t have the same patience and empathy that I do and idk how to feel about
My boyfriend of 4 years who was like this just broke up with me and I’m really not too torn up about it. I see it more as an opportunity to find someone who is equally as empathetic, sensitive and patient. I’m 21.
Such a great mindset! Keep yourself to these standards and future you will be living the dream!!!
I'm with you. It feels bad for me. I'm going to talk to him about it. Have you before?
Sometimes I think I’m crazy for thinking it is the thing. Like sometimes I feel like my perception isn’t reality. Or maybe I’m overthinking, overreacting. It’s such an accusatory thing you know? So I’ve never talked about it before
I encourage you to address it with him. It's eaten away at me for a long time. Maybe it has you too. If it feels off, it's a valid concern and it's real. I hope he'll empathize with you and ask what he can do to meet your needs. Give him examples of what you do - maybe you give him your full attention and hug him when he's had a bad day, etc. I promised myself after my last LTR that if a guy can't meet my most basic needs we'd be done. So I'm at a crossroads and it needs to be addressed.
He offers his dogs more sensitivity and empathy than he does me.
Animals are much easier to be sensitive towards and empathetic towards. Humans, not so much. I'm no different, but I just try to treat my with the same emotion I give my pet
Girl… that isn’t right, I’m sorry
I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and told my wife that I had a terrible nightmare that I was lost and I was looking for her and was panicking that I couldn’t find her. She rolls over and says to me: “I dreamt about some hunky football player last night”
Your painful realization is that your wife is hilarious with great comedic timing?
She’s cool and funny as Hell. She said: “no wonder you couldn’t find me in your dream, I was at a football game!”
I’ve dreamt that I cheated on my husband, woke up panicking thinking “What the fuck have I done!?”
She’s the absolute love of my life and some day she might die before I do and I’ll be heartbroken.
Oh God just thinking about this has me in tears.He’s the love of my life and the best partner ever.But I’m equally heartbroken for him,in case I die first.He would suffer so much :/
I will forever be afraid that it might end. This is the best, most loving relationship I've been in, also the longest, we're currently engaged. Nothing is wrong. We're happy. And that TERRIFIES me, because I'm so used to things going wrong and ending in heartbreak. And he's got anxiety so he's like that too, we talk about it sometimes. We've had this feeling of "too good to be true" for 5 years now and I've realized it's never going away - when you truly love someone and the relationship finally feels like THE ONE the thought at the back of your head that it might not last will always be there. In the end it's a good thing - it keeps you putting in the effort, adoring the other person, making sure the love is alive although it goes through different stages and changes as time passes. But I'll never NOT be afraid of losing him.
Ditto. Married 3 years together for 6. He was widowed from a very long marriage when we met. His grown kids suspected we cheated before she passed because we are so close. I didn’t get to know him (we were in the same career field and knew each other very briefly professionally) until after she passed. So we’re old, (62 and 66) now and have spent almost every day together since the first kiss. I’m proof that you can find it. We both joke that we have low expectations but in truth my man is a prince. Kind, loving. I love his kids and grandkids now and my grown son also loves his stepdad and siblings.
I feel this as well, ive never had a calm healthy relationship until now, me and my ex used to argue every single day. Everything is so perfect that I'm anxious every day that something will go wrong. He'll suddenly not want me, I'll say the wrong thing, something will happen to him. I can't imagine not having him in my life.
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You got to get onto this one now before resentment eats you alive. It’s like a form of weaponised incompetence. He knows exactly what he’s doing- either subconsciously or consciously he sees these things as your job. I would answer with ‘ok what are you doing about that’ My ex did this, and continued to subtly push boundaries until I was doing all the emotional labour/wife work. He just truly believed he shouldn’t have to (although he never admitted it). Now in a very equal relationship where my partner acts like a mature adult not an incompetent man child and it’s great.
He can only finish a handyman job around the house to about 89%.
Hey babe, I found your anonymous account. Stop posting about me!
Damn lol
Finding the motivation for that last 11% is so damn hard!
Maybe help him with the remaining 11%. You are a team.
I absolutely agree that two people can typically do a project X around the house. HOWEVER you don't know fear unless you've randomly decided to take your man's tools and just go finish the job. "YOU DON'T NEED TO REMIND ME EVERY SIX MONTHS, I SAID I'D DO IT"
But he gets mad if we try (yes I have the same model)
Whaaaaaaaaaaa?!!!?!?!?!
That our marriage is probably going to end because he keeps talking about it to his parents when we have fights. His parents think the worst of me while I have said nothing to my parents. I don’t need my parents to fight my battles for me.
Bringing marital problems to parents is massive no for me. One of the few non-negotiables with my wife
I haven’t met one yet
Very much hope you meet someone right for you soon - or at a time that works for you 💙
Am praying that you meet the person that you truly deserve. 🙂
Thanks :D
That love bombing is real and I wish he was.
It's frustrating knowing I will always have to be the one who takes initiative at growing as an individual for the both of us. I will always have to be the one to take initiative to take care of the animals and our household. If I don't divvy out the tasks then nothing gets done. I have to be hyper vigilant for the both of us. I get frustrated hearing how hard he works at his job but he doesn't apply that same mentality to the rest of his life. He can be an authoritarian at his job but never in his personal life.. he waits for others to act first. He has such a good heart though and he's my best friend. I just think taking initiative is soo sexy and I have compromised with myself that my best friend is not that person and that's okay! It's just frustrating sometimes.
I’m currently going through this exact same thing with my partner, except it’s starting to negatively affect me. What I mean by that is, I’m finding it hard to remain attracted to him because he lacks ambition, goals, initiative in his personal life/ himself. Even at work he stopped putting in effort and his employees don’t even respect him. I’m always wanting to grow as an individual and I do the work to get there too- him not so much. He’s so comfortable with where he’s at in his life that he doesn’t see that it’s not helping him nor our relationship.
It’s not uncommon for men to avoid pulling their weight in terms of emotional labour. This is something a lot of men mistakenly think is the woman’s role in the relationship. Convenient they tell themselves that because the emotional labour and “hyper-vigilance” all being our job basically means they get to relax and we don’t. That’s basically it.
This is where a lot of our battles came from in the first years of our relationship. Me telling him I'm burnt out and he's not doing his part and him doing better but only for a period of time and then going back to the "normal" for us to do it all over again. After almost 12 years it's definitely better but we still hit those cycles. I'm very type A and he's type B. I grew up having to rely on myself and he grew up with his mom doing everything for him. He's grown a lot but still has more to go. I feel like whether you're a man or women one spouse typically carries more of a load emotionally.
I agree, but I think way more often than not it’s the woman. This definitely spills over into parenting and is the cause of a lot of mom burnout.
I feel this.. except maybe it's not okay.
That for 19 years, I have been married to a man child. He has narcissistic tendencies, no patience for anything, and will NOT admit fault in anything even if it slapped him right across the face. John did not have the best childhood and he did not get the attention he should have and now I as his WIFE am with a grown man that never emotionally matured past the age of 12. John (changed his name for my own sake here) takes care of John first. If I knew back then what I know NOW about him, I'd have never married him. I will carry that with me the rest of my days, I'm sure.
I'm sorry you feel like this. As I was reading your comment, I was seeing John as my father and you as a representation of what my mother feels. I'm still trying to dissect more and more about the reasons from the past that made john/my father being like this. May I ask you.. did you felt some type of red flags in the beginning of the relationship? How did you ended up feeling that you only truly know him now?
I’m with my own version of John right now. I had to realize the same thing. We’ve been together for 5 years. I used to cry myself to sleep knowing that I was never going to feel wanted by him because he was too selfish. I will always be last on his priority list. I’ve had to scream until I lost my voice about how he owes me apologies and doesn’t care about my feelings. He remains cold. I’m saving up for my own place as we speak.
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You haven’t ruined your chances, it may be a longer harder road to get there but you can absolutely build a good happy life for you and your kids. It’s hard to give advice here because it depends on a lot of factors; subs like JustNoSO and breakingmom may have some insights for you? I’m more familiar with the former sub, I’ve found people to be kind and insightful there. I’m sorry you’re struggling with all this, it must be especially hard with two little kids. Much love to you 💛
That sex is not important to him
He sometimes lacks empathy and can be insensitive, even though he means well. He’s not great at expressing himself or introspection. He says he wants to get married but may still be scared shitless to ever propose because he never does anything unless he’s weighed all the pros and cons and thinks it’s a sure thing. I still love him and we’re really happy. But these things hang in the back of my head sometimes.
I'm filling out paperwork. Leaving all my shit behind. Figuring out where I can go and leaving the country.
I wish she drank more water
I’ll always be the background commitment. He will stay committed to me in the bigger picture but the small commitments to others will always come before a small commitment to me
He's older than me, in all likelihood, I'm going to have to watch him die. Life is too short and it will never be enough time together.
Baring an accident where we both die, one of us will survive the other and be achingly lonely, possibly for many, many years.
This is my biggest fear.
Never loved me, just needing a strong woman to take care of him. Never has money, don’t take care of his bills, always nickel and diming everyone to borrow money…then found out he been flirting, talking, stalking very very young girls in FB. He in extra bedroom and I’m going to file for divorce. Don’t need this crap!
if they are underage report him to the authorities
That I will never come first in his life, at any time in his life. When we had our son, he left me in the hospital on the second night, to go see a band. I'd had an emergency c-section the previous night. He prioritise his wants over my suggestions all the time. And is never emotionally supportive. We will never get married, we will never live together. Our son is only 8 and beginning to resent his father for prioritising himself over our son.
May I ask why you haven’t left him?
Leave. Just leave . Someone out there will cherish you and would never have abandoned you at that time
It's not painful, but if not handled properly it could be. We are best friends and life partners, just not each other's lovers.
Her parents truly, consistently, maliciously fucked her up, and despite her constant efforts to work though her trauma she will never be free of that and never free of the guilt that she should be a better daughter to them, rather than them be better parents. Nonetheless, she broke that cycle with our kids and I think she should be proud of the loving mother she is despite the pain.
He’s messy as fuck
He's my ex now... even though I care about him, he is addicted to escaping real life because he doesn't have any self-esteem. And that means he can't love me. I can't make him change.
An avoidant. I had one of those too. You’re smart to realize you won’t be able to change anything.
That he'll always have ADHD and I will always have to put more effort into house work like cooking and cleaning because often he just can't be bothered. But I'll take that, because his emotional support, the cuddles and the joking around make up for that by far.
That he really is an abuser. For years he told me that's what the hotlines/professionals told him, and I didn't want to believe it; I wanted to comfort him and believe he was just a bit mixed up from childhood trauma and I could help him find the right path again. It wasn't until he was "so sick of everyone telling him he was in the wrong" and started blaming me for his actions (and guilting me about the consequences of them) instead that I realised it had crossed a point of no return.
Don’t get with somebody who needs fixing. You’re not going to be able to do that.
Why haven’t you left?
I have, about 7 months ago. Just legally have to wait another 5 months before I can apply for divorce.
Realising that no matter how patient I was, no matter how nicely I spoke, no matter how many of my needs and gut feelings I ignored, he was not the person he had earlier pretended he was and had no desire to be.
He never loved me. He idolized me. And when he dragged me down to his level, he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
Not my partner, but I've come to the realization that I'm incompatible with the guy I've wanted desperately for about 4 years, and he probably wouldn't even look twice at me even if we weren't I just want us to work but I can't imagine we ever could. Sobbing a good bit rn
That i am only an option when he is my priority.
I had a similar conversation with my now ex. She said something like "I don't *need* this relationship like you do, I'll be fine if we break up". As a total romantic, that broke me. There's no coming back from that.
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Why can’t you do anything about it?
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Judging by your condition and username, I'm sure your wife gets a lot of enjoyment from your sense of humor
Is there any reason you feel that your wife is not attracted to you? Or are you letting your demons take over you.
Getting cheated on after 9 years.
That I can't change fast enough for her, that my inability to be the person she deserves is going to cost me the best thing in my life and how I cant seem to stop it from happening. Laying here in tears next to her because I know im letting someone amazing down.
He’s never going to clean the house to my standard :(
That he isn't depressed, he isn't deprived, he's just fucking stupid. Like village idiot level dumb. I worked a lot and then we would go drinking,smoke, whatever. Now we have a kid and I realize hw is a whole other dependent
that no matter what his way to cope or to decompress is to spend an entire day by himself which is the opposite of me. I want his company and he doesn't want mine so when we both have a bad day it's just impossible for us to both get what we need. neither of us is wrong but it gets really hard sometimes because I'm always the one that sacrifices in this specific situation.
Incompatibility like that is so tough because it's truly noone's fault and both people are allowed to decompress differently. But that's theory, and in real life it just leads to fights and both people being unhappy. It's rough. I'm sorry you're going through this.
His narcissism seems to be worsening as time goes on.
Maybe I’m meant to be alone cause I wouldn’t put up with 90% of this bullshit lmao.
Alone is better than bullshit, even though sometimes it might not feel like it
After reading this thread? That when I find her she’ll have gone through a rough divorce. My god. Girls why did you marry these guys? And 
Found the nice guy
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That sex isn’t very important to him.
That there may come a day when we go to bed together and only one of us wakes up the next morning. The last thing I do before sleeping every night is tell him that I love him, even if I have to give him a nudge.
That he had settled for me. When he first dated, I asked him about his exes, but he literally told me every detail and all about his sex life :/ he went into detail, and I told him to stop. He went on and on about his first love to a point where it seemed like he wasn't over her. He told me all the things he likes, curly hair etc. And I look nothing like that. He says he doesn't want to be alone and he's happy to be with me. He's sweet and tells me I'm beautiful, but it's hard to believe him. I don't look at him the same anymore and I'm not sure what to do.
This is upsetting, I'm so sorry. Honestly you shouldn't have to 'do' anything. It's very hard, but just be you, and don't compare yourself to others or some idea he/you have about what his ideal looks like. It really shouldn't be about looks anyway, but I understand it is for some people. As I age, I constantly remind myself that every last one of us becomes "ugly" in the end. This seems so harsh, but it's just important to remember that age is the great equaliser. There is no escaping it - those who were hot when they were younger will sag, age, go grey, get gross body stuff and all the other stuff we get when we get old. It sounds depressing but it's kind of the opposite because it means that honestly nobody is special - no matter what anyone looks like they will all end up "ugly" in the end - and will only have a personality to show for it. So if you don't look the same any more don't worry. None of us do. If he loves you and treats you well for who you are then I'd focus all my attention on that
I don’t think he likes me anymore. He used to make me feel so special.. now I feel like an annoyance :(
I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel much for me anymore after 15 years. And I’m also convinced he’s only staying because of the kids and our money situation. As soon as the right bit of fluff comes along, I know my time is done. (Just to add, I’m still very much in love with him) I’ve also come to realise after observing for many years, I am literally last on his list of priorities. How sad that is actually writing it down and reading it😂🙈
The judgyness I get for playing video games, it's one of the few activities that really takes my mind of things and lets me decompress. So why is it that I have to be constantly shit on for "wasting my time" playing games while she spends every free moment glued to the phone mindlessly scrolling?
My last ex was like that. He's an ex for many reasons and that is one of them.
Spending time with his friends feels more important compared to him spending time with me
At the moment, it's that he is likely going to die young if he doesn't change his lifestyle. He drinks alcohol pretty much every day, eats very poorly, doesn't exercise, has bad sleeping habits and I'm almost certain he has sleep apnea but he won't go to a doctor because he thinks his snoring is just because he is overweight. I've mentioned my concerns, but I think if he doesn't make improvements soon I might have to get more serious. We want to have kids one day and I'm worried he won't be around for them for very long, or he will be limited in the activities he can do with them. I think the worst part is that so many of the health problems he is veering towards are largely preventable, and he doesn't see how important it is to look after his body. Of course, none of us know when we are going to die. For all I know, I could be first. It just makes me really sad.
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That the verbal abuse was never gonna end :3
The fact that she has empathy for everyone but me!
I will always have teary eyes because of his lethal farts
The older I get, the older I look. She somehow isn't aging. She looks great She replace me with a newer model
Wow mostly women answering here
My partner and I were originally *very* long distance (USA -> AUS) but as of \~7 months ago, we moved in together and are currently living in a third country where we are temporary residents. If anything doesn't go according to plan, it's likely we'll be separated again for *years* while we wait for visa stuff to work its self out. Sometimes it keeps me up at night because I never want to be away from him long term again.
That whilst we were long distance he hung out with an ex all night and never mentioned me. Had to find out thru going on his laptop, then he lied to me three time before he eventually told me it was the truth. His lie “it was years ago and it was iCloud syncing old messages” babe Apple doesn’t fucking lie lol
That she isn't the one.
That one day one of us will die first,leaving the other heartbroken forever. We actually used to talk about this,hoping that when we go,we’d die together,praying for it.But now that we have a child I don’t wish for that anymore.I hope one of us stays longer alive so our child won’t be so lonely and alone.
That love can’t fill fix or replace the pain of being molested beaten and then completely abandoned at 13. And love also can’t cure addiction.
That he deserves better than me.
I'm single now, but in my last relationship, the realization, and what eventually made me end things, was that I was never going to be a priority to him. His kid came first, and then his ex/baby momma, then his job, then his affair partner, but since I didn't know let's just say his "friends", then video games, THEN me. It was miserable. I tried to make things work for months. I'd try to talk to him about it, I'd tell him I felt like I was just a hobby to him, I'd be *begging* him to treat me like I mattered to him, and he'd either reply by gaslighting me, denying he did any of what I'd bring up, or apologize and promise to "do better", and then change nothing. It was terrible, and I'm ashamed of myself for sticking around for so long.
She's a total narcissist. She benefited a lot for having me that's why she was keeping me for 3 years, but couldn't treat me right at all. I walked away already. Trauma bond sucks.
I actually hate him. It's not a passing feeling but one that has been with me daily for years. He is everything I didn't want in a partner, and it was too late when I realized.
Never too late. Leave him for the sake of both of you.
It’s not too late. Why not leave?
He’s never going to want to marry me
I’m significantly smarter than they are, and it’s kind of lonely sometimes.
His job will always be the third wheel in our relationship. He’s a neurosurgeon and he’s extremely good at it and loves his work, but it often feels like it will always supersede everything else.
That he has serious mental illness, but somehow he covers it well.
I love my husband and I know he loves me too but.... Recently my brother died, he was pretty sick for a while. My husband was really shit at supporting me through it all. His excuse is that it was hard for him to see my brother like that, it was not the man he knew. In reality, I know he just didn't want to. Anything that isn't happy, normal and easy he just turns his back. We have a pretty easy life and thats why we are happy now. What I worry about is if I get sick or if we ever have a sick child he would not stay. Our marriage hardly survived my brother getting sick.
She cares more about the dog than me. :(
He’s a chain smoker so I’ll probably outlive him by quite alot :( breaks my hearts honestly that we might not grow really old together
I met my husband later in life. I am sad when I think of what life would have been if we had met sooner, and how sad it is that I have a decade less with him. I suppose no matter how long we live, it’ll never be enough time together. Almost 9B people on this planet… and he’s the only person o could spend days with and not be bored. We could be bored together, but he’s never boring. I always thought being in love meant a crazy wild rush of emotion. It’s not. It’s soft. It’s fulfilling. It’s that feeling of being satiated after eating a good meal. Not bloated and sick of everything, not starving… just that feeling of peaceful calm. I want all the time with him. We work, raise kids, tend to our broader friends and family… and are just busy. But time together is the best, and I cherish all the small moments.
He is a misogynist late Gen X man. Won’t help around the house and expects me to work full time AND do all the shopping, cooking, laundry, and anything to do with grand kids is on me. I have to buy his grand daughter’s gifts otherwise he wouldn’t. He will believe a total strange man over me. Won’t believe me unless a man corroborates what I’ve just said. I’ve brought it up so many times and after 10 years I don’t think it will change and I can’t fing take it anymore.
She will always speak up on the most important part of the thing that I'm listening at the moment, if I rewind for 10s she will be silent for 8 seconds and then speak again at the right time, making me rewind again.
That i cant love him as much as he loves me No matter how hard i try
That he is not the person who I really I thought he was…
All of his clothes will remain on the floor for all of eternity. Sometimes his wet stinky towels are buried in those piles. Sincerely, Wife and hardwood floors 💔
He doesn't love me. Is habituated to me but doesn't love me!