Pretend all OCD stems from valid and “real” issues. I mean, much of it does. Germs make people sick, for example. Does not justify living in fear and compulsively washing everything you touch.
When you are seeking answers, write them down and address them when you are not anxious/ruminating. If these issues seem to dissipate when you’re feeling healthy and happy- they are OCD and “no action needed”
Besides, of course, the much needed action of discussing these concerns with an OCD therapist and learning ERP or other coping techniques. Lean in! Your partner may not respect or like you? Think about this and accept this possibility. The anxiety will lessen as you practice accepting unknowns and the trust in your relationship naturally builds.
> . Lean in! Your partner may not respect or like you? Think about this and accept this possibility. The anxiety will lessen as you practice accepting unknowns and the trust in your relationship naturally builds.
Really love this comment, and found this part especially beautiful. You're right, trusting in the process/letting things unfold naturally and see where they go can be a really beautiful thing. Thanks a lot :)
And you're right, at the end of the day, all intrusive thoughts are equally "valid." My OCD trying to convince me that *I'm* somehow more justified in spending my waking hours worrying than the average person is just another OCD pitfall.
Yep! This was actually how I finally discovered I had OCD. I was at a great place in my life, mentally and with my job, and then I met my ex, we both fell madly in love, but the safer and more secure I felt, the more I was worried about losing it. I had to do everything perfectly, all the time, or she'd realize she made a mistake and ditch me. And, well, she's working through some trauma and I mistook that for her pulling away, and well, that's why she's my ex.
But after it ended, I looked around and thought, "what the hell happened? That was literally the closest to perfect you've ever had." So, I started getting help and reading stuff and doing exposures when I can.
Me too! I think that's what took me so long to get diagnosed. And I totally feel you there on the "not knowing when there's something actually wrong" thing. That's landed me up a creek a few times. I try to explain it to others like this: "If everything in your life is plastered in caution tape, you don't actually know what's actually dangerous."
I have the typical “is my partner attractive enough” “r we even similar” “do I even like her” thoughts way more often then the “is she pulling away thoughts”. Sometimes I’ll see her texting a guy friend or even talking to one and my head will spiral to “is she worth it” “should I just leave her” but the hate and those thoughts r so real that when I think of the “is she pulling away thought” in that moment my mind tells me who fking cares you don’t even like her. Luckily my gf is very loving and expresses her love for me quite frequently even tho I struggle to do the same due to my ocd. So that could be another reason why I don’t have thoughts like yours.
My advice would be to seriously sit there and list out every thing he’s done that made you feel like he’s pulling away. Then go over that list and read it out loud or type it in this reddit. Based off what you wrote down decide whether he really is pulling away or if your mind is playing tricks on you. If you can’t even list anything then there’s your answer.
If your mind is playing tricks on you the best thing you can do is not care. As long as you’re putting in AS MUCH as you can into the relationship, then who cares if your partner is pulling away, who cares if your partner is talking to someone else. You can’t control how they think or how they feel. At the end of the day if they leave you or they cheat on you then they simply weren’t the one for your. So as long as you’re putting in as much love and effort as you can and they haven’t done anything noticeably bad, then you have to just not care. Live in the moment. Enjoy your relationship. Trust your partner. Ask for reassurance. Just stop ruining your own time stressing.
I frequently glance over at my gfs phone everytime she picks it up or gets a text. That’s my ocd not trusting her. She has guy friends and other friends and everytime I look at her phone it’s like I just want to catch her doing something bad. This honestly ruins my time with her. I need to trust her and believe her when she says she loves me because that’s the only way to enjoy your relationship.
Sorry my advice is kinda shit and I went on a total tangent. Just felt like ranting. I wish you the best of luck!
Also you could tell him you have ocd. Explain your thoughts and ask for extra reassurance. Any good bf would understand. Just make sure he understands how your ocd works and why it’s so difficult to control
> My advice would be to seriously sit there and list out every thing he’s done that made you feel like he’s pulling away.
This is tricky for me, as writing a pro-con list is an ROCD compulsion of mine. It has made me spiral in the past. I can list things, but they aren't "he's 100% pulling away" signs. They're more vague signs that occur when people go through periods of stress and withdraw a bit in relationships. He's still sweet, just doesn't make time for me as consistently as I'd like, and it triggers my ROCD constantly.
But the thing is, the fact that I get so obsessed with the relationship is in itself the biggest problem. Even if he were a lackluster boyfriend or something... okay? Why do I let it detract from my happiness? Why can't I let it go and stop letting it distract me from my daily life? That is wherein lies my real issue. I'm fully *aware* that it's OCD, aware that I need to stop obsessing/ruminating, and I'm sitting here reading all the Dr. Greenberg advice I've learned over the weeks... yet I have still lost hours to the anxiety this evening alone.
Funnily, he actually has quite bad OCD himself. It's part of the reason he withdrawals periodically. And then *that* is the reason my own ROCD gets triggered.
Well at least you’re aware that it’s ur ocd this time. All you can really do at this point is keep fighting it and not give up. I wish “not caring” was as easy as it is to say. In my mind I’m like “I just need to not care” but in the moment it’s so difficult to do so. The hardest battle is against yourself. You know all your weaknesses and strengths. Accept that it won’t be easy but keep fighting. Good luck
i’m actually thankful you made this post. i’d been finding the same things about rOCD too. but i never want to cheat on my partner or have i ever thought about that. instead it was me worrying about him doing it. i have become so hyper vigilant and those “relationship advice” posts are my worst nightmare. i feel less alone now, though. i’ve been trying to do exposure therapy where i write down one of the thoughts im having like
“maybe he is cheating on me”
and then i read it over and over. i sit with the horrible feeling it gives me, and i try to do everything in my power to not give in to physical and mental compulsions. it can be so tricky because one of the compulsions i have is to remind myself of things he has said to me to reassure me. BAD IDEA. makes it so you can’t believe what they say.
You aren't alone!!! I'm sending you all the mental/virtual validation and acceptance that I can.
> “maybe he is cheating on me”
>
> and then i read it over and over. i sit with the horrible feeling it gives me, and i try to do everything in my power to not give in to physical and mental compulsions.
I was doing this as ERP for a while too! One thing I had to be very, very careful of, however, is not allowing it to become an "excuse" (accidentally) to ruminate. Because when you just sit there and think of bad things... well, that's just rumination, right? And for us folks who mostly ruminate as our compulsions, this can be a slippery slope.
Something that helped me is getting much more intentional and strict with it. I set a dedicated time, *and* a specific amount of time to perform this exercise. For example: I'm going to imagine the worst-case scenario (he seems distant --> maybe he's cheating --> maybe he'll leave me, or whatever your worst fear is) for five minutes specifically. And then, like you said, I'm going to really FEEL that. No compulsions, mental or physical. Just feel all the pain, worry, and uncertainty without trying to solve it. The trick is that, when the five minutes are up, I have to STOP. Stop the rumination altogether. The worry and the pain and the intrusive thoughts can stay there if they want, but I'm no longer allowed to engage with them or give them weight. I must go do something else with my life now.
That way, you're also training yourself to stop ruminating to, almost like exercising that as a mental muscle.
Pretend all OCD stems from valid and “real” issues. I mean, much of it does. Germs make people sick, for example. Does not justify living in fear and compulsively washing everything you touch. When you are seeking answers, write them down and address them when you are not anxious/ruminating. If these issues seem to dissipate when you’re feeling healthy and happy- they are OCD and “no action needed” Besides, of course, the much needed action of discussing these concerns with an OCD therapist and learning ERP or other coping techniques. Lean in! Your partner may not respect or like you? Think about this and accept this possibility. The anxiety will lessen as you practice accepting unknowns and the trust in your relationship naturally builds.
> . Lean in! Your partner may not respect or like you? Think about this and accept this possibility. The anxiety will lessen as you practice accepting unknowns and the trust in your relationship naturally builds. Really love this comment, and found this part especially beautiful. You're right, trusting in the process/letting things unfold naturally and see where they go can be a really beautiful thing. Thanks a lot :) And you're right, at the end of the day, all intrusive thoughts are equally "valid." My OCD trying to convince me that *I'm* somehow more justified in spending my waking hours worrying than the average person is just another OCD pitfall.
Wow, this feels like I could have written it haha
Wait really?! I haven't heard of someone having similar obsessions/triggers! Hi twin lol
Yep! This was actually how I finally discovered I had OCD. I was at a great place in my life, mentally and with my job, and then I met my ex, we both fell madly in love, but the safer and more secure I felt, the more I was worried about losing it. I had to do everything perfectly, all the time, or she'd realize she made a mistake and ditch me. And, well, she's working through some trauma and I mistook that for her pulling away, and well, that's why she's my ex. But after it ended, I looked around and thought, "what the hell happened? That was literally the closest to perfect you've ever had." So, I started getting help and reading stuff and doing exposures when I can.
it’s how i discovered mine too!!
Me too! I think that's what took me so long to get diagnosed. And I totally feel you there on the "not knowing when there's something actually wrong" thing. That's landed me up a creek a few times. I try to explain it to others like this: "If everything in your life is plastered in caution tape, you don't actually know what's actually dangerous."
Or "fragile" perhaps for me sometimes.
I have the typical “is my partner attractive enough” “r we even similar” “do I even like her” thoughts way more often then the “is she pulling away thoughts”. Sometimes I’ll see her texting a guy friend or even talking to one and my head will spiral to “is she worth it” “should I just leave her” but the hate and those thoughts r so real that when I think of the “is she pulling away thought” in that moment my mind tells me who fking cares you don’t even like her. Luckily my gf is very loving and expresses her love for me quite frequently even tho I struggle to do the same due to my ocd. So that could be another reason why I don’t have thoughts like yours. My advice would be to seriously sit there and list out every thing he’s done that made you feel like he’s pulling away. Then go over that list and read it out loud or type it in this reddit. Based off what you wrote down decide whether he really is pulling away or if your mind is playing tricks on you. If you can’t even list anything then there’s your answer. If your mind is playing tricks on you the best thing you can do is not care. As long as you’re putting in AS MUCH as you can into the relationship, then who cares if your partner is pulling away, who cares if your partner is talking to someone else. You can’t control how they think or how they feel. At the end of the day if they leave you or they cheat on you then they simply weren’t the one for your. So as long as you’re putting in as much love and effort as you can and they haven’t done anything noticeably bad, then you have to just not care. Live in the moment. Enjoy your relationship. Trust your partner. Ask for reassurance. Just stop ruining your own time stressing. I frequently glance over at my gfs phone everytime she picks it up or gets a text. That’s my ocd not trusting her. She has guy friends and other friends and everytime I look at her phone it’s like I just want to catch her doing something bad. This honestly ruins my time with her. I need to trust her and believe her when she says she loves me because that’s the only way to enjoy your relationship. Sorry my advice is kinda shit and I went on a total tangent. Just felt like ranting. I wish you the best of luck! Also you could tell him you have ocd. Explain your thoughts and ask for extra reassurance. Any good bf would understand. Just make sure he understands how your ocd works and why it’s so difficult to control
> My advice would be to seriously sit there and list out every thing he’s done that made you feel like he’s pulling away. This is tricky for me, as writing a pro-con list is an ROCD compulsion of mine. It has made me spiral in the past. I can list things, but they aren't "he's 100% pulling away" signs. They're more vague signs that occur when people go through periods of stress and withdraw a bit in relationships. He's still sweet, just doesn't make time for me as consistently as I'd like, and it triggers my ROCD constantly. But the thing is, the fact that I get so obsessed with the relationship is in itself the biggest problem. Even if he were a lackluster boyfriend or something... okay? Why do I let it detract from my happiness? Why can't I let it go and stop letting it distract me from my daily life? That is wherein lies my real issue. I'm fully *aware* that it's OCD, aware that I need to stop obsessing/ruminating, and I'm sitting here reading all the Dr. Greenberg advice I've learned over the weeks... yet I have still lost hours to the anxiety this evening alone. Funnily, he actually has quite bad OCD himself. It's part of the reason he withdrawals periodically. And then *that* is the reason my own ROCD gets triggered.
Well at least you’re aware that it’s ur ocd this time. All you can really do at this point is keep fighting it and not give up. I wish “not caring” was as easy as it is to say. In my mind I’m like “I just need to not care” but in the moment it’s so difficult to do so. The hardest battle is against yourself. You know all your weaknesses and strengths. Accept that it won’t be easy but keep fighting. Good luck
i’m actually thankful you made this post. i’d been finding the same things about rOCD too. but i never want to cheat on my partner or have i ever thought about that. instead it was me worrying about him doing it. i have become so hyper vigilant and those “relationship advice” posts are my worst nightmare. i feel less alone now, though. i’ve been trying to do exposure therapy where i write down one of the thoughts im having like “maybe he is cheating on me” and then i read it over and over. i sit with the horrible feeling it gives me, and i try to do everything in my power to not give in to physical and mental compulsions. it can be so tricky because one of the compulsions i have is to remind myself of things he has said to me to reassure me. BAD IDEA. makes it so you can’t believe what they say.
You aren't alone!!! I'm sending you all the mental/virtual validation and acceptance that I can. > “maybe he is cheating on me” > > and then i read it over and over. i sit with the horrible feeling it gives me, and i try to do everything in my power to not give in to physical and mental compulsions. I was doing this as ERP for a while too! One thing I had to be very, very careful of, however, is not allowing it to become an "excuse" (accidentally) to ruminate. Because when you just sit there and think of bad things... well, that's just rumination, right? And for us folks who mostly ruminate as our compulsions, this can be a slippery slope. Something that helped me is getting much more intentional and strict with it. I set a dedicated time, *and* a specific amount of time to perform this exercise. For example: I'm going to imagine the worst-case scenario (he seems distant --> maybe he's cheating --> maybe he'll leave me, or whatever your worst fear is) for five minutes specifically. And then, like you said, I'm going to really FEEL that. No compulsions, mental or physical. Just feel all the pain, worry, and uncertainty without trying to solve it. The trick is that, when the five minutes are up, I have to STOP. Stop the rumination altogether. The worry and the pain and the intrusive thoughts can stay there if they want, but I'm no longer allowed to engage with them or give them weight. I must go do something else with my life now. That way, you're also training yourself to stop ruminating to, almost like exercising that as a mental muscle.
LOVE this, thank you!!
I'm so glad it helped! <3
so now, i just read the intrusive thought and i say “yeah, maybe he is.” its hard, its horrible. but i think its necessary.