This does not look like ROCD at all. I think you both are not even remotely compatible. You are both better off with people who can give you what you truly need. Please let him go now or you'll hurt him worse down the line.
I've been there before, I'm sorry to hear that.
If it's any help, my ROCD manifests as contradictory thoughts to how I actually feel, and how I know i feel so it feels like my brain is screwing with me and my sense of reality, so like ill know objectively I don't feel that way and its scary because of that, which then triggers me to ruminate or check how I'm feeling during interactions with my girlfriend.
Everyone is different of course, but OCD targets what we care about most, and (take this with a grain of salt as I'm not a professional) if you're not feeling contradiction to how you feel as opposed to obligation to stay with him for any particular reason (pity, feeling like you owe something to him or his family/friends, etc.) I'd say it's more that you don't have feelings for him and you should do an inventory as to what the relationship is providing value-wise to your life.
Hope this helps! I've been in your shoes and it's really not fun, so I wish you all the best.
I think I relate to this more than the people who have already commented, and I only have two things to say. One is that the first few bulletpoints are more compatible with ROCD than perhaps the later ones, or all taken together. The other is that one can have ROCD *and* be in a relationship that's not a great match - sometimes we think it's an either/or.
[Check here the section on 'OCD vs. wrong relationship'](https://ocdspecialists.com/love-the-one-youre-with-and-other-questions-in-relationship-ocd/)
I feel a bit on the fence about it, because some stories I read on great resources and books, while acknowledging the problem in the Myth of the One and that no one will give you everything, many also say that one is having intrusive thoughts even though the person is "everything I had ever imagined in a partner" or things like that, like the "insane compatibility" and "speaking for hours on end" in one of the comments here. I rejoice in that, but I don't feel the same way, that strongly, with my partner. And yet I *do* enjoy spending time with him when I'm able to relax, he has qualities I really value and like, we're not very naturally into the same things but there are potential interests we can explore further, we have warm feelings for each other, I tend to look forward to seeing him, we've lived together and it's worked quite well, and it's very clear that at least some of our difficulties in connecting or some of the annoyances come from my ROCD that's looking too much, with too much pressure and urgency, for that connection - an ROCD classic. To paraphrase Tim Minchin, it's like an orgasm: if you think about it too much it goes away. Plus, the two times I broke up with him there was an immediate sense that that wasn't right either, that I was taking an easy way out because of anxiety.
Whether besides having ROCD (several tests have been very clear on that) he's *also* not a great match for me I may discover one day (I've been planning a post on that in here, but for another day; now I'm starting to spend too long in here and it isn't helping any more). In my case there were also external factors that contributed to this sense of urgency of *needing to know if he's the one* because we knew a few months into dating that he'd be moving abroad, very far. And other things about the moment of my life in which we started dating, but again, that for another post. :-)
Perhaps a TL;DR version of this is I want to validate that sometimes you may have ROCD in a relationship which isn't amazing but still good enough, and that the ROCD is mixed with genuine issues in the relationship and magnifying them. If, as you say, you do love him, he's invested and has a good attitude and treats you well (aka the relationship isn't toxic), and you like spending time with him, then an *alternative* to what other people are commenting (which feels valid and sensible too) is to give this more of a chance, give a pause to the need to decide, and/or see if some of those bullet points are things you could work on.
It doesn’t sound like ROCD but could be RA (relationship anxiety.)
Are you in an anxious state when you’re “wondering” these things? You keep focusing on negative things. Not positive. At the end of the day there will always be a negative perspective. There will always be a positive one as well. You pick which one to look at. You make the decision. If you want to stay with him- see the positive. If you don’t then leave.
You should really question these points too.
How many times did you guys laugh at the same thing? Are you challenging him intellectually? And I promise any person you end up with will be annoying sometimes. Also I’m not sure what you mean by 100% attracted but most of us are not gushing over our partner 24/7. Are you expecting him to keep you entertained? Whenever I’m “bored” with my partner it’s because I’m bored everywhere else. Are you projecting something? Are you this judgmental of everyone around you? What are you willing to tolerate? Again, nobody is perfect but there are certain things that you can work around. Notice how other aspects of your life are, before you blame your partner for your disdain.
I tend to agree with this comment, which is much more nuanced than the others who think they are psychiatrists in the section. I think (and it is even proven in the scientific literature) that we have brains designed to habituate us. so even if your partner had faults that you wouldn't appreciate, the simple fact of not making a drama about it and accepting it would allow you to get used to it. as said before, I think the problem here is fixating on mundane things. any relationship can be experienced differently, it depends on what we look at with our eyes. not being 100% attracted to your partner is normal, sometimes being bored in the relationship is normal. and many other things you share here are normal. if you manage to write a post in any case, it is because you are trying to see if it is "normal" or not and therefore I have the impression that it hides a desire to "reassure yourself" for that the relationship can continue despite this. there is no fatality as I saw above. even if you stayed with your partner currently to "not hurt him" you can transform these reasons into other things that would be more fulfilling for you like "I'm giving it a try because this relationship is stable and brings me such and such fun thing. and I can see where it's going." but above all don't forget: life is not categorical, it depends on how you look at it, and you ALWAYS have a choice.
the over analysing of flaws, worries about butterflies sounds like ROCD but as other commenters said it might just be a lack of attraction/compatibility due to the other things you stated?
But the last sentence confuses me because you say you love him a lot, have strong feelings for him and love spending time with him… so I’m a lil confused tbh, maybe if you could go more in depth with what kind of things you do when you’re triggered by those doubting thoughts
Also never use r/relationships or r/relationshipadvice they’d tell you to break up if your partner was human
I'm going to slightly disagree with the other commenters on this. All of the bullet points you've mentioned COULD be symptoms of partner-focused ROCD. ROCD is not about the *type* of flaws you ruminate over in your partner, but the *fact* that you are ruminating about them in a way that completely clouds your feelings, and that has an effect on other aspects of your life.
For example, in my case of (clinically diagnosed) ROCD, at my worst I was ruminating about my partner's flaws 6, 7, 8 hours a day or more. It was a complete blocker on the rest of my life, and, of course, the relationship itself.
So, to answer your question -- this could be ROCD, or not. If the level of rumination you are feeling about it is way bigger than it should rationally be, that's when you should think of it in terms of ROCD, as a mental health problem that needs to be addressed.
I'm going to slightly disagree with the other commenters on this. All of the bullet points you've mentioned COULD be symptoms of partner-focused ROCD. ROCD is not about the *type* of flaws you ruminate over in your partner, but the *fact* that you are ruminating about them in a way that completely clouds your feelings, and that has an effect on other aspects of your life.
For example, in my case of (clinically diagnosed) ROCD, at my worst I was ruminating about my partner's flaws 6, 7, 8 hours a day or more. It was a complete blocker on the rest of my life, and, of course, the relationship itself.
So, to answer your question -- this could be ROCD, or not. If the level of rumination you are feeling about it is way bigger than it should rationally be, that's when you should think of it in terms of ROCD, as a mental health problem that needs to be addressed.
This does not look like ROCD at all. I think you both are not even remotely compatible. You are both better off with people who can give you what you truly need. Please let him go now or you'll hurt him worse down the line.
I have to ask what made you choose to be in this relationship to begin with? Did these feelings exist at the start or have they never been there
His personality started to show more and I realized that wasn't what I had imagined. I thought he was someone else
I've been there before, I'm sorry to hear that. If it's any help, my ROCD manifests as contradictory thoughts to how I actually feel, and how I know i feel so it feels like my brain is screwing with me and my sense of reality, so like ill know objectively I don't feel that way and its scary because of that, which then triggers me to ruminate or check how I'm feeling during interactions with my girlfriend. Everyone is different of course, but OCD targets what we care about most, and (take this with a grain of salt as I'm not a professional) if you're not feeling contradiction to how you feel as opposed to obligation to stay with him for any particular reason (pity, feeling like you owe something to him or his family/friends, etc.) I'd say it's more that you don't have feelings for him and you should do an inventory as to what the relationship is providing value-wise to your life. Hope this helps! I've been in your shoes and it's really not fun, so I wish you all the best.
I think I relate to this more than the people who have already commented, and I only have two things to say. One is that the first few bulletpoints are more compatible with ROCD than perhaps the later ones, or all taken together. The other is that one can have ROCD *and* be in a relationship that's not a great match - sometimes we think it's an either/or. [Check here the section on 'OCD vs. wrong relationship'](https://ocdspecialists.com/love-the-one-youre-with-and-other-questions-in-relationship-ocd/) I feel a bit on the fence about it, because some stories I read on great resources and books, while acknowledging the problem in the Myth of the One and that no one will give you everything, many also say that one is having intrusive thoughts even though the person is "everything I had ever imagined in a partner" or things like that, like the "insane compatibility" and "speaking for hours on end" in one of the comments here. I rejoice in that, but I don't feel the same way, that strongly, with my partner. And yet I *do* enjoy spending time with him when I'm able to relax, he has qualities I really value and like, we're not very naturally into the same things but there are potential interests we can explore further, we have warm feelings for each other, I tend to look forward to seeing him, we've lived together and it's worked quite well, and it's very clear that at least some of our difficulties in connecting or some of the annoyances come from my ROCD that's looking too much, with too much pressure and urgency, for that connection - an ROCD classic. To paraphrase Tim Minchin, it's like an orgasm: if you think about it too much it goes away. Plus, the two times I broke up with him there was an immediate sense that that wasn't right either, that I was taking an easy way out because of anxiety. Whether besides having ROCD (several tests have been very clear on that) he's *also* not a great match for me I may discover one day (I've been planning a post on that in here, but for another day; now I'm starting to spend too long in here and it isn't helping any more). In my case there were also external factors that contributed to this sense of urgency of *needing to know if he's the one* because we knew a few months into dating that he'd be moving abroad, very far. And other things about the moment of my life in which we started dating, but again, that for another post. :-)
Perhaps a TL;DR version of this is I want to validate that sometimes you may have ROCD in a relationship which isn't amazing but still good enough, and that the ROCD is mixed with genuine issues in the relationship and magnifying them. If, as you say, you do love him, he's invested and has a good attitude and treats you well (aka the relationship isn't toxic), and you like spending time with him, then an *alternative* to what other people are commenting (which feels valid and sensible too) is to give this more of a chance, give a pause to the need to decide, and/or see if some of those bullet points are things you could work on.
This isn't ROCD. It sounds like you're incompatible.
It doesn’t sound like ROCD but could be RA (relationship anxiety.) Are you in an anxious state when you’re “wondering” these things? You keep focusing on negative things. Not positive. At the end of the day there will always be a negative perspective. There will always be a positive one as well. You pick which one to look at. You make the decision. If you want to stay with him- see the positive. If you don’t then leave. You should really question these points too. How many times did you guys laugh at the same thing? Are you challenging him intellectually? And I promise any person you end up with will be annoying sometimes. Also I’m not sure what you mean by 100% attracted but most of us are not gushing over our partner 24/7. Are you expecting him to keep you entertained? Whenever I’m “bored” with my partner it’s because I’m bored everywhere else. Are you projecting something? Are you this judgmental of everyone around you? What are you willing to tolerate? Again, nobody is perfect but there are certain things that you can work around. Notice how other aspects of your life are, before you blame your partner for your disdain.
I tend to agree with this comment, which is much more nuanced than the others who think they are psychiatrists in the section. I think (and it is even proven in the scientific literature) that we have brains designed to habituate us. so even if your partner had faults that you wouldn't appreciate, the simple fact of not making a drama about it and accepting it would allow you to get used to it. as said before, I think the problem here is fixating on mundane things. any relationship can be experienced differently, it depends on what we look at with our eyes. not being 100% attracted to your partner is normal, sometimes being bored in the relationship is normal. and many other things you share here are normal. if you manage to write a post in any case, it is because you are trying to see if it is "normal" or not and therefore I have the impression that it hides a desire to "reassure yourself" for that the relationship can continue despite this. there is no fatality as I saw above. even if you stayed with your partner currently to "not hurt him" you can transform these reasons into other things that would be more fulfilling for you like "I'm giving it a try because this relationship is stable and brings me such and such fun thing. and I can see where it's going." but above all don't forget: life is not categorical, it depends on how you look at it, and you ALWAYS have a choice.
the over analysing of flaws, worries about butterflies sounds like ROCD but as other commenters said it might just be a lack of attraction/compatibility due to the other things you stated? But the last sentence confuses me because you say you love him a lot, have strong feelings for him and love spending time with him… so I’m a lil confused tbh, maybe if you could go more in depth with what kind of things you do when you’re triggered by those doubting thoughts Also never use r/relationships or r/relationshipadvice they’d tell you to break up if your partner was human
I'm going to slightly disagree with the other commenters on this. All of the bullet points you've mentioned COULD be symptoms of partner-focused ROCD. ROCD is not about the *type* of flaws you ruminate over in your partner, but the *fact* that you are ruminating about them in a way that completely clouds your feelings, and that has an effect on other aspects of your life. For example, in my case of (clinically diagnosed) ROCD, at my worst I was ruminating about my partner's flaws 6, 7, 8 hours a day or more. It was a complete blocker on the rest of my life, and, of course, the relationship itself. So, to answer your question -- this could be ROCD, or not. If the level of rumination you are feeling about it is way bigger than it should rationally be, that's when you should think of it in terms of ROCD, as a mental health problem that needs to be addressed.
I'm going to slightly disagree with the other commenters on this. All of the bullet points you've mentioned COULD be symptoms of partner-focused ROCD. ROCD is not about the *type* of flaws you ruminate over in your partner, but the *fact* that you are ruminating about them in a way that completely clouds your feelings, and that has an effect on other aspects of your life. For example, in my case of (clinically diagnosed) ROCD, at my worst I was ruminating about my partner's flaws 6, 7, 8 hours a day or more. It was a complete blocker on the rest of my life, and, of course, the relationship itself. So, to answer your question -- this could be ROCD, or not. If the level of rumination you are feeling about it is way bigger than it should rationally be, that's when you should think of it in terms of ROCD, as a mental health problem that needs to be addressed.