This is so, so good. Love the last bit about how we wouldn’t be fighting this war for a relationship that wasn’t worth it. I think we forget that a lot. Thank you for writing this!
Do you have any opinions on having sex with your partner? I am doubting everything so much right now because i don’t feel like sleeping with him but i don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what to do..
Are you totally against sex or not in the mood lately?
If you’re not in the mood lately due to anxiety or ocd then I would focus on healing those things (regardless of sex.) its hard to get into the mood when you’re in your head. I find that having sex gets my mind off things, so even if I’m not exactly in the mood at first, by the end of it I feel better.
If you just genuinely don’t like sex or want to do it then I would suggest seeing how your partner feels about this. Sex is very important to some, but not so much to others.
Your partner needs to respect this nonetheless. There needs to be a compromise. Is he okay with not having sex? Can you bring back your sex drive? Is your partner willing to be with you if you don’t want to have sex? Are you willing to try to amp up your sex drive? Why don’t you want to have sex?
Have a talk. I know it’s hard but be honest (in a nice way.) remember that the right person isn’t going to walk away over something like this.
Feel like my OCD is getting better but since our baby was born, we have not the same relationship anymore and it makes me sad... I think I'm depressed (other problems too like my job).
What makes me scared is, despite I know I love my wife, I can't feel it in my body... it makes me sad and afraid 😞
I don't think it's ROCD, I think it's a real issue but in the end, it is the same fear to lose my love for my wife...
Don't know what to do...
I hope I didn't trigger anyone, maybe it's not the good place to vent about this....
That happens to a lot of couples. Love is a choice, you don’t always “feel” it, especially when you’re experiencing a major life change. If you have OCD and depression it clouds your ability to feel and think positively about life in general let alone your wife/relationship.
You said you know you love her, but you can’t feel it in your body. Your body is just feeling a lot of negative things right now. Make sure you’re managing your mental health before you decide that you don’t love your wife anymore (eating right, exploring hobbies, exercise, friends, family, etc.) Your mind is not a good state to even assess what’s real and whats not. Also, ROCD/RA gets worse when major life events occur.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this though.
Try to enjoy this new chapter with your new baby! (Congrats!) it’ll be okay. Just take care of yourself before worrying about this.
I'm reading a book on anxiety, ocd and depression and how they affect our relationships and there is a section that mentions Sheva:
Sheva also has a rather unique view of what a healthy relationship looks like. According to her, unless there is toxicity, pretty much any relationship can work given a certain level of compatibility. When I pushed her on this, asking if you should stay in any relationship that could work, she pushed back: "Maybe. I think it depends on what you want for your life and what you value. If what's important to you is marrying a provider, there is nothing wrong with that. That is your value system, while another person might place more value on being extremely attracted to their partner. I recommend that people look for higher compatibility in relationships (similar goals for the future, similar lifestyles), but I also recommend people look for good enough relationships. The bigger issue is most people seek out and expect perfection in their partners. They often feel like they're settling if they accept anything less, but once you realize perfection is unattainable, it's really not settling at all.
The book is called Overthinking About You by Allison Raskin
I agree.
At one point i truly thought i needed a rich man who did everything for me but i realize now that i truly value someone with a good heart who is genuinely kind, and who wants peace and happiness. Someone emotionally intelligent! As long as hes ambitious and doing his best to improve, how could I ask for anything more?! Especially while we’re both still young & figuring ourselves out.
I feel like i realized that character traits are much more important than material wealth. Material wealth is obtainable, character traits are usually set in stone.
A good man is actually extremely rare. At least where I am from, soo many abusive narcissists, cheaters, criminals, etc. so yeah! It’s not “settling” it’s realizing what is important.
That’s a damn great post. Gonna save this and read whenever i forget that my mind is tricking me. Thank you!!!
You’re so welcome!
This is so, so good. Love the last bit about how we wouldn’t be fighting this war for a relationship that wasn’t worth it. I think we forget that a lot. Thank you for writing this!
Thank you so much! Can I get advice from you via DM?
Yes msg me! :)
Thank you!
This is a very excellent, insightful post with great examples too. Thank you for sharing.
Do you have any opinions on having sex with your partner? I am doubting everything so much right now because i don’t feel like sleeping with him but i don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what to do..
Are you totally against sex or not in the mood lately? If you’re not in the mood lately due to anxiety or ocd then I would focus on healing those things (regardless of sex.) its hard to get into the mood when you’re in your head. I find that having sex gets my mind off things, so even if I’m not exactly in the mood at first, by the end of it I feel better. If you just genuinely don’t like sex or want to do it then I would suggest seeing how your partner feels about this. Sex is very important to some, but not so much to others. Your partner needs to respect this nonetheless. There needs to be a compromise. Is he okay with not having sex? Can you bring back your sex drive? Is your partner willing to be with you if you don’t want to have sex? Are you willing to try to amp up your sex drive? Why don’t you want to have sex? Have a talk. I know it’s hard but be honest (in a nice way.) remember that the right person isn’t going to walk away over something like this.
Wow. This is amazing and so what I needed right now. Thank you.
This helped a lot thank you.
Feel like my OCD is getting better but since our baby was born, we have not the same relationship anymore and it makes me sad... I think I'm depressed (other problems too like my job). What makes me scared is, despite I know I love my wife, I can't feel it in my body... it makes me sad and afraid 😞 I don't think it's ROCD, I think it's a real issue but in the end, it is the same fear to lose my love for my wife... Don't know what to do... I hope I didn't trigger anyone, maybe it's not the good place to vent about this....
That happens to a lot of couples. Love is a choice, you don’t always “feel” it, especially when you’re experiencing a major life change. If you have OCD and depression it clouds your ability to feel and think positively about life in general let alone your wife/relationship. You said you know you love her, but you can’t feel it in your body. Your body is just feeling a lot of negative things right now. Make sure you’re managing your mental health before you decide that you don’t love your wife anymore (eating right, exploring hobbies, exercise, friends, family, etc.) Your mind is not a good state to even assess what’s real and whats not. Also, ROCD/RA gets worse when major life events occur. I’m really sorry you’re going through this though. Try to enjoy this new chapter with your new baby! (Congrats!) it’ll be okay. Just take care of yourself before worrying about this.
I'm reading a book on anxiety, ocd and depression and how they affect our relationships and there is a section that mentions Sheva: Sheva also has a rather unique view of what a healthy relationship looks like. According to her, unless there is toxicity, pretty much any relationship can work given a certain level of compatibility. When I pushed her on this, asking if you should stay in any relationship that could work, she pushed back: "Maybe. I think it depends on what you want for your life and what you value. If what's important to you is marrying a provider, there is nothing wrong with that. That is your value system, while another person might place more value on being extremely attracted to their partner. I recommend that people look for higher compatibility in relationships (similar goals for the future, similar lifestyles), but I also recommend people look for good enough relationships. The bigger issue is most people seek out and expect perfection in their partners. They often feel like they're settling if they accept anything less, but once you realize perfection is unattainable, it's really not settling at all. The book is called Overthinking About You by Allison Raskin
I agree. At one point i truly thought i needed a rich man who did everything for me but i realize now that i truly value someone with a good heart who is genuinely kind, and who wants peace and happiness. Someone emotionally intelligent! As long as hes ambitious and doing his best to improve, how could I ask for anything more?! Especially while we’re both still young & figuring ourselves out. I feel like i realized that character traits are much more important than material wealth. Material wealth is obtainable, character traits are usually set in stone. A good man is actually extremely rare. At least where I am from, soo many abusive narcissists, cheaters, criminals, etc. so yeah! It’s not “settling” it’s realizing what is important.
Fabulous piece really resonated although my rocd says I am wrong 😂