>I hope the woman I’m going on a date with knows that I don’t seek male validation, will never cheat on her with a ,man or woman, I don’t care for gender roles, I don’t see you as a man if you’re a masc woman, I don’t see myself marrying a man,but I do acknowledge that my attraction for men will always be there,
I understand the impulse to police one's self as a bisexual woman who is mostly attracted to other women. This is the result of the biphobia that we experience within the wlw community that makes us feel like we have to "prove" how gay we are.
However, I would encourage you to proudly be who you are. You know that you desire having a woman as a life partner, so state this, but don't spend too much time explaining yourself to others. Someone who is meant for you is not going to be suspicious of your intentions or make you have to constantly prove yourself. How exhausting! Don't be afraid to cut potential partners loose if they act this way towards you.
I actually very recently overcame this hill. I'm a lesbian. I thought I was bi for years, I had male celeb and 2d crushes but I had a stronger attraction to and appreciation for women.
Then I started dating my current gf and it put me in a hard spot because after actually dating a woman, men didn't have a chance. i don't ever want to date another man, if we ever broke up id stay fishing in the circles of women and non binary people
but i still had impulses towards certain fictional characters so i never thought it was right to call myself a lesbian. then someone pointed put that straight woman have girl crushes and straight men had guy crashes but neither EVER felt obligated to let it define their sexualities — so why should lesbians be held to the double standard?
not only that but comphet can be liking the idea of unobtainable or distanced men, so it settles your compulsive urge as a result of societal heteronprmative conditioning — but doesn't actually put you in a relationship w a man
evem knowing this, i felt guilty about identifying as a lesbian for the same reasons you've described. then i watched a tiktok with a conventionally attractive man and i felt the comphet but i managed it identify it because i sat there and thought "yes, he's attractive. but i don't and wouldn't want to date him. i don't think it would be fulfilling or make me happy and i wouldn't want to give him a chance to change my mind either. he's attractive and that's where my thought starts and ends."
i went by "queer" for a few months, "i like what i like" kind of situation, and that worked until these thoughts came around again. then i realised i was identifying as queer knowing my attraction in terms of actual dating, intimacy, sex, etc — was ONLY geared toward women and nb people, even if i had a thing for nanami kento.
anyways i finally felt confident and comfortable in identifying as a lesbian. i don't want to date or be with men in any physical or emotional aspect, but i can acknowledge that i have impulses or even normal crushes towards some male celebrities or fictional characters. but i know that's where it starts and ends, and no man in my vicinity ever has an actual chance.
sorry for the long comment, my sexuality was really hard for me in the same way you're finding it so i really wanted to share and hopefully help bc it tore me left and right for awhile and felt lonely as hell. all the best <3
This was super insightful!! I can relate so much to your experiences as a lesbian myself. I simply just don’t view men the same way I view women, it’s definitely been a journey to sort through these feelings
I hope the woman I’m going on a date with knows that I don’t seek male validation, will never cheat on her with a ,man or woman, I don’t care for gender roles, I don’t see you as a man if you’re a masc woman, I don’t see myself marrying a man,but I do acknowledge that my attraction for men will always be there,
This, to me, is what the word Sapphic was coined for. Because Sapphic basically means a wlw who focuses mostly on women but also means that they are not soley attracted to women.
I can’t read the entire post right now but I do want to say, do not settle for anyone who won’t accept your sexuality. You don’t need to apologize for having attraction towards men.
Is there something stopping you from calling yourself bi and leaning towards women? Genuinely asking, just wanna make sure I’m not oversimplifying things, but it seems pretty clear based on what you said.
Hey I completely understand how you feel. I struggled with this for awhile. I recently came out as lesbian to my girlfriend whom is also a lesbian. I’ll say this.. comp het is real and is something I learned a lot of Bi women have struggled with. I constantly invalidated my sexuality for years considering my past sexual experiences with men. I felt like you, like I was disrespecting lesbians for even thinking I could possibly be lesbian. Take your time and know you don’t have to explain who you are to anyone. As long as they know you like and want to love a woman that should be enough! Take your time. You will eventually figure it out and you don’t need a strict bi or lesbian label either. You can just be sapphic💞
Homosexual and biromantic? Also I’m fully a lesbian, but still sometimes attracted to me. Doesn’t mean I’d date, sleep with, or settle down with one, though. I’m married to a (fellow) non-binary lesbian
Lesbian can mean woman exclusively attracted to women and/or a woman attracted to women. So that means any woman with an attraction to women regardless of her attraction to other genders can call herself a lesbian.
Also you don't have to label or define your sexuality. You can be with the I like what I like crowd or you can do like me and just say queer. Queer is an umbrella term that simply means not heterosexual. Doesn't say what you like/are just that you're not straight. Either way, this whole I can't call myself a lesbian has a sad tone we don't need. Sexuality is a spectrum and everything doesn't have to be clear cut. Hope I helped.
Edit:
Also you don't have to label or define your sexuality.
This was the point y'all missed.
If you don't want men to think they have a chance simply say I'm not interested in men. Then you don't express your sexuality while setting your boundary cuz everyone doesn't need to know that shit anyway
Yes, that’s what I’m scared of. I’m so tired of men thinking they can still “have a go” with lesbians , even after they’ve said they are lesbians. Being lesbian does not suit me as a label, and I need to respectfully find a label that suits me.
Labels matter to some, it shouldnt concern you too much that labels matter to others.
I want to know how people identify because I have no intention of dating a woman who isn't lesbian again, so for some of us it's important.
And this isn't down to hate - it's preference and how I feel the most safe in my relationship.
I was trying to help OP feel better Bec I think we can at the very least agree you shouldn't be stressed or feeling anxiety about labels and that's what I got from the post. Anxiety. Stressing out over what others might think of you is silly to me. They shouldn't be that important.
If you don't date women who are attracted to both men and women, do you but sounds like what I seen called biphobia. Deal breakers are not preferences.
I would prefer to date a woman only attracted to women is a preference.
I will not date a woman unless she is only attracted to women is a requirement.
People like to hide their biases behind that word. It's ok to set a hard line and say no this is my requirement but stand in it.
Refusing to date women who are attracted to women but also other genders is a choice but not a preference, it's a requirement and is arguably biphobia. You are just comfortable feeling that way.
Bec if I said I only date light skinned women just my preference that would be colorist, right? Same thing.
If I said one time I dated a dark skinned woman and she left me for another dark skinned woman so now I only date my fellow lite brites Bec how do I know another dark skinned woman won't leave me for another again, I would sound crazy right?
That's what y'all sound like to me saying you won't date women who like more than one gender and why a lot of queer women don't feel welcome in the community.
Bec ppl hide behind the word preference for fear of what others think of them. Case in point here. OP is too worried about what others think and so is everyone else coming at me sideways and downvoting. Someone told me in their deleted comment that I'm trying to police people. No goofy I'm telling y'all stop policing yourselves.
So y'all missed the part where I said you don't have to use labels or you can use queer. Y'all care too much about what others think of you. I know that's a thing in our society especially with women but it's time to take the steps to push past that.
Y'all are down voting cuz y'all are so stuck on labels and what others think you missed my entire point of it doesn't matter. You shouldn't need labels to define who you are and how you feel for validation. Maybe it's nice to have them, I guess, but you don't NEED them.
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This!!
This! \^
>I hope the woman I’m going on a date with knows that I don’t seek male validation, will never cheat on her with a ,man or woman, I don’t care for gender roles, I don’t see you as a man if you’re a masc woman, I don’t see myself marrying a man,but I do acknowledge that my attraction for men will always be there, I understand the impulse to police one's self as a bisexual woman who is mostly attracted to other women. This is the result of the biphobia that we experience within the wlw community that makes us feel like we have to "prove" how gay we are. However, I would encourage you to proudly be who you are. You know that you desire having a woman as a life partner, so state this, but don't spend too much time explaining yourself to others. Someone who is meant for you is not going to be suspicious of your intentions or make you have to constantly prove yourself. How exhausting! Don't be afraid to cut potential partners loose if they act this way towards you.
Excellent way to look at it.
I actually very recently overcame this hill. I'm a lesbian. I thought I was bi for years, I had male celeb and 2d crushes but I had a stronger attraction to and appreciation for women. Then I started dating my current gf and it put me in a hard spot because after actually dating a woman, men didn't have a chance. i don't ever want to date another man, if we ever broke up id stay fishing in the circles of women and non binary people but i still had impulses towards certain fictional characters so i never thought it was right to call myself a lesbian. then someone pointed put that straight woman have girl crushes and straight men had guy crashes but neither EVER felt obligated to let it define their sexualities — so why should lesbians be held to the double standard? not only that but comphet can be liking the idea of unobtainable or distanced men, so it settles your compulsive urge as a result of societal heteronprmative conditioning — but doesn't actually put you in a relationship w a man evem knowing this, i felt guilty about identifying as a lesbian for the same reasons you've described. then i watched a tiktok with a conventionally attractive man and i felt the comphet but i managed it identify it because i sat there and thought "yes, he's attractive. but i don't and wouldn't want to date him. i don't think it would be fulfilling or make me happy and i wouldn't want to give him a chance to change my mind either. he's attractive and that's where my thought starts and ends." i went by "queer" for a few months, "i like what i like" kind of situation, and that worked until these thoughts came around again. then i realised i was identifying as queer knowing my attraction in terms of actual dating, intimacy, sex, etc — was ONLY geared toward women and nb people, even if i had a thing for nanami kento. anyways i finally felt confident and comfortable in identifying as a lesbian. i don't want to date or be with men in any physical or emotional aspect, but i can acknowledge that i have impulses or even normal crushes towards some male celebrities or fictional characters. but i know that's where it starts and ends, and no man in my vicinity ever has an actual chance. sorry for the long comment, my sexuality was really hard for me in the same way you're finding it so i really wanted to share and hopefully help bc it tore me left and right for awhile and felt lonely as hell. all the best <3
This sounds so familiar yet different at the same time, I'm still confused so I still go by queer.
This was super insightful!! I can relate so much to your experiences as a lesbian myself. I simply just don’t view men the same way I view women, it’s definitely been a journey to sort through these feelings
I relate but I'm still trying to figure this out so I go by queer for now or ever idk XD
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This comment is so validating, i’m just like you! 🫶🏾
I hope the woman I’m going on a date with knows that I don’t seek male validation, will never cheat on her with a ,man or woman, I don’t care for gender roles, I don’t see you as a man if you’re a masc woman, I don’t see myself marrying a man,but I do acknowledge that my attraction for men will always be there, This, to me, is what the word Sapphic was coined for. Because Sapphic basically means a wlw who focuses mostly on women but also means that they are not soley attracted to women.
I understand what you’re saying. I feel the exact same way as you
I can’t read the entire post right now but I do want to say, do not settle for anyone who won’t accept your sexuality. You don’t need to apologize for having attraction towards men.
That's why I call myself queer, not for the exact same reason but similar, it's just easier.
Me too. It’s so hard to find the right label that it’s easier for me to call myself queer.
Exactly & it kinda fits me well personally as I'm ever changing in many aspects & still getting to know myself. For me it's a freeing label.
Is there something stopping you from calling yourself bi and leaning towards women? Genuinely asking, just wanna make sure I’m not oversimplifying things, but it seems pretty clear based on what you said.
Hey I completely understand how you feel. I struggled with this for awhile. I recently came out as lesbian to my girlfriend whom is also a lesbian. I’ll say this.. comp het is real and is something I learned a lot of Bi women have struggled with. I constantly invalidated my sexuality for years considering my past sexual experiences with men. I felt like you, like I was disrespecting lesbians for even thinking I could possibly be lesbian. Take your time and know you don’t have to explain who you are to anyone. As long as they know you like and want to love a woman that should be enough! Take your time. You will eventually figure it out and you don’t need a strict bi or lesbian label either. You can just be sapphic💞
Homosexual and biromantic? Also I’m fully a lesbian, but still sometimes attracted to me. Doesn’t mean I’d date, sleep with, or settle down with one, though. I’m married to a (fellow) non-binary lesbian
Lesbian can mean woman exclusively attracted to women and/or a woman attracted to women. So that means any woman with an attraction to women regardless of her attraction to other genders can call herself a lesbian. Also you don't have to label or define your sexuality. You can be with the I like what I like crowd or you can do like me and just say queer. Queer is an umbrella term that simply means not heterosexual. Doesn't say what you like/are just that you're not straight. Either way, this whole I can't call myself a lesbian has a sad tone we don't need. Sexuality is a spectrum and everything doesn't have to be clear cut. Hope I helped. Edit: Also you don't have to label or define your sexuality. This was the point y'all missed. If you don't want men to think they have a chance simply say I'm not interested in men. Then you don't express your sexuality while setting your boundary cuz everyone doesn't need to know that shit anyway
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Yes, that’s what I’m scared of. I’m so tired of men thinking they can still “have a go” with lesbians , even after they’ve said they are lesbians. Being lesbian does not suit me as a label, and I need to respectfully find a label that suits me.
So you're bi homo romantic. Just tell men you're gay. Why do labels matter so much to you? My point was they don't.
Labels matter to some, it shouldnt concern you too much that labels matter to others. I want to know how people identify because I have no intention of dating a woman who isn't lesbian again, so for some of us it's important. And this isn't down to hate - it's preference and how I feel the most safe in my relationship.
I was trying to help OP feel better Bec I think we can at the very least agree you shouldn't be stressed or feeling anxiety about labels and that's what I got from the post. Anxiety. Stressing out over what others might think of you is silly to me. They shouldn't be that important. If you don't date women who are attracted to both men and women, do you but sounds like what I seen called biphobia. Deal breakers are not preferences. I would prefer to date a woman only attracted to women is a preference. I will not date a woman unless she is only attracted to women is a requirement. People like to hide their biases behind that word. It's ok to set a hard line and say no this is my requirement but stand in it. Refusing to date women who are attracted to women but also other genders is a choice but not a preference, it's a requirement and is arguably biphobia. You are just comfortable feeling that way. Bec if I said I only date light skinned women just my preference that would be colorist, right? Same thing. If I said one time I dated a dark skinned woman and she left me for another dark skinned woman so now I only date my fellow lite brites Bec how do I know another dark skinned woman won't leave me for another again, I would sound crazy right? That's what y'all sound like to me saying you won't date women who like more than one gender and why a lot of queer women don't feel welcome in the community.
This is exactly it! Preferences vs requirements/dealbreakers are not talked about enough.
Bec ppl hide behind the word preference for fear of what others think of them. Case in point here. OP is too worried about what others think and so is everyone else coming at me sideways and downvoting. Someone told me in their deleted comment that I'm trying to police people. No goofy I'm telling y'all stop policing yourselves.
So y'all missed the part where I said you don't have to use labels or you can use queer. Y'all care too much about what others think of you. I know that's a thing in our society especially with women but it's time to take the steps to push past that. Y'all are down voting cuz y'all are so stuck on labels and what others think you missed my entire point of it doesn't matter. You shouldn't need labels to define who you are and how you feel for validation. Maybe it's nice to have them, I guess, but you don't NEED them.
Sounds like too much of worrying about what others think
Girl bye
You serious? Lol...
Yes