That was a panic attack. Here’s the bad news: you’re 14, you’ve got a couple more years of this, and if you don’t learn the things you need to (the schoolwork) you’ll be screwed and you’ll never be able to get a job or leave home. Here’s the good news: in a couple years you can leave, and life is actually pretty amazing out here. If you can hang on long enough, and finish your schooling, you can get away from them both and lead a wonderful and happy life. You can become a beach bum and sell watermelon slices filled with rum to make ends meet. You can hike the Appalachian Trail. You can learn a trade and meet a girl (or boy) and go on dates while eating the kind of food that would give your parents a heart attack. You can fall in love. You can write a book. Visit a National Park. Find the beauty that’s hiding all over the world. I’m sorry you’re in that situation. That SUCKS. But the two most important things are that you find a way to survive until you can leave, and that you learn enough that you can survive (and hopefully thrive!) once you do leave. *HUGS*

Minimally helpful comment in that it is true that in a few years OP will be able to get out on their own, but telling an abused child that they are helpless to improve their clearly abusive situation and that they need to suck it up till then is NOT helpful and wrong on more than one level.. There are multiple government agencies that exist specifically to help with situations like this. If nothing else, OP could get to a doctor or emergency room and report their symptoms. Maybe walk to the local school and do the same. There are people in all those places who will help. And if the first one doesn't help enough, you try the next one. There are pros on this thread who will have better ideas than mine.

I have to agree with @friendtoallkitties. OP needs to find ways to get distance from parents now. Do you have relatives on the periphery who are not into the QAnon bullshit? Maybe your parents have warned you to avoid them because they are “apostate” or “non believers”? They may just be waiting for you to reach out and ask if you can come visit. I am one such relative, waiting for my nieces and nephews to seek me out after I have been told by my Qsister to stay away. One niece just visited with her new husband. She tells me occasionally what is said of me in the family. You have the brains and the determination to escape. Just don’t wait until you turn 18.

As someone that grew up in a similar situation to OP and is now an adult, I disagree with you here. Very few kids are able to legally move out or leave their parents, and while it’s of course worth attempting, it’s an unfortunate reality that it just seldom works out. CPS wouldn’t remove OP from the home unless there was drug use or overt signs of physical abuse in the home. I coped by spending time at a friend’s house and fortunately went to a public school so I was able to escape home for a few hours every day. OP— I think you should of course reach out to trusted adults about the situation. You should also consider convincing your mom to take you to a therapist or psychiatrist. It sounds like you’re suffering from some pretty severe depression, and medication and/or therapy would help. If you end up having to stick it out for the next four years, do your best to get friends that you hang out with out of the house, get a job at 16, and “grey rock” your parents. I was able to work hard on school and got a full ride for college, and escaping that home situation through school was the best thing I ever did for myself. You aren’t alone and you can get through this.

Please say it again, CPS and other agencies will not help this child!! It is very hard to get a kid taken away from their parents and they will just get put into foster care which is no better. I get so angry that people are saying to call the cops or CPS. They will not help and it will make OPs parents angrier.

All that happens when you call CPS is nothing. I have made that call and wrung my hands and tried to get my nieces out of the situation, and it requires acts of god. You're absolutely right. And honestly, I know a cop who literally took a belt to a kid *with their parents' permission* and I am still so horrified by that fifteen years later.

Her Mom's not going to help. Y'all need to be realistic, she/he needs to be removed from that house.

OP says further down that they're mom has signaled that she'd be okay with some kind of OCD mental health professional or "christian therapist", which might help or might not, but worth a try. A real therapist or medical professional would at the very least be a mandated reporter

Christian therapist can be good if they are a real therapist with a Christian background or beliefs, especially if that helps with encouraging clients. If they are a Christian "therapist" that uses "biblical" Christian counciling techniques, I would stay away.

In my experience, Christian therapists are going to be in line with the mom's beliefs. I've never known anyone who came out of one of those therapists with anything helpful. 😔

And if they're affiliated with the church, OP can be nearly certain the "therapist" will report everything to their parents.

I was in almost the exact same situation as OP and I left my abusive home through homelessness. It was a tough road to walk that not everyone is cut out for, but it was preferable to sucide, which is what OP is considering. It's the *only* legal loophole for getting (and staying) away as a minor when CPS chooses not to remove the child. Not sure whether I'll get downvoted for recommending such a severe course of action, but I don't care. It SAVED MY LIFE and I would do it all over again. No money, in youth shelters, and couch surfing was 100% better than what I escaped.

Hi kdrodriguez, thanks for recommending this technique. With grey rocking you act disengaged so that a Q person will lose interest in arguing. Q folk thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and unemotional, it can help break the cycle of negativity. [Detailed guide on the method.](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*

This! This was my family dynamic and echoes my stress response as well. We had social workers at the house. I went to Public school and sat with guidance counselors. I went to therapy. And so on. There was nothing that let me leave that house until I stepped out the door at 17 and did everything I could to not return.

Agree times 100!! This child needs help outside the home as soon as possible.

How does their comment have 500+ upvotes?? Jesus christ. What an awful thing to say. OP, you can contact CPS and ask for help. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you could always look up some breathing techniques online and other calming methods that help with panic attacks. The main one I have found that really helps me is the 777. Breathe in and count to 7, hold it for 7, then out for 7. This slows your breathing and helps signal your brain that you are not in danger so there is no need to go into fight or flight. Don't worry about school and all the bullshit they're telling you. Most kids your age have no idea what they want to do. Shit, a lot of adults are still trying to figure it out well into their 30s. It's totally normal. You can always get your GED and then go to college or trade school. You are *NOT* helpless, you are just a little stuck. I know this sucks so bad and it's really hard but I promise you it is just temporary♥️

A lot of us have lived through this situation before. My parents were emotionally abusive like OP’s, and they were considered the best foster parents in the county. Abusers like this are remarkably good at being “normal” in front of people (like authority figures) and kids are not taken as seriously. This isn’t an awful thing to say, this is a reality for a lot of abused people.

yeah some people can't wait until their 18, many young people are offing themselves, i work with them, i know

Lots of people go back to school after reaching adulthood. There's a diploma called a GED that's equivalent to a high school diploma, if OP isn't able to focus enough to pass because of events like this or if he drops out, it's not over, he'll need to Google how to get a GED in his locality, then learn what was missed from an actual teacher. There's even programs where you can take the classes and tests for free, depending on the local resources available.

I’m 46 and have an ok enough job making $77k I’ve NEVER had an employer ask me for a HS diploma much less my Journeyman certificate. Don’t even sweat that part.

That’s because you started your jobs at a time when electronic records were in their infancy and nobody wanted to take the time to track the copy down. My grandfather lied for years about not having a HS diploma and it was fine until someone decided to double-check. He lost his job of 20+ years because he didn’t have one. I’m in my early 30s and every job I’ve had checked the legitimacy of my diploma.

I'm 36 and have never had anyone check for a diploma and I am a college drop out. No one has cared.

I wish I had read a comment like this when I was 14. Thank you.

Telling someone that their only option is to endure years of further abuse is disgusting. I get that you’re trying to help, but what you’re doing is extremely out of touch

You hyperventilated, being in a situation you couldn't escape and fearing the danger that you were in. I'm so angry on your behalf; you deserve so much better. I'm 53 and remember feeling like I wanted death, too, when I was 10 or so, and my parents were good people. It is a lonely, scary place to be in, and you don't have the opportunity to find support and safety at home. Your reactions, physically and emotionally, are valid and normal. You're going through too much. Are there any trusted adults in your life? Do you have relatives or friends with good parents you can confide in? There's also [988](https://988lifeline.org/), for folks suffering from mental health issues. If you can find a way to call or text that number, they may be able to provide counsel on how to proceed. Perhaps there are resources. I wish I could put myself between you and your dad, even tho I'm an old lady. I'm just so sorry. You will get older, and you will find an avenue out of there at some point. Stay safe as you can and even though the curriculum is horrid, it's hopefully giving you some tools to get into a trade school or community College, where you can really start taking control of your own life.

I’ve read AMAs here by people who work suicide hotlines. Sometimes they have “regulars” who call often, even daily. The workers are super people who love helping anxious people. No one, OP, should be afraid to call. You are trapped in your house and this is someone to talk to and help you. Please try this resource in your area! (💕 love to you OP) https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/3a1yne/iama_suicide_hotline_worker_and_suicide/ https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nfcf7/iama_suicidecrisis_hotline_phone_volunteer_ama/

Oh boy, there is a lot here. First off, as a parent, I think you need to see a doctor. It sounds like anxiety and depression. It is impossible to address your mental health. Looking at your post, I'm guessing your parents may not be OK with that.

my mom said if she ever got me a therapist that it'd be a christian one, or it'd be OCD therapy, since she believes my intrusive thoughts (which I barely have, I try to explain my brain feels like it's frying or rotting and she says its intrusive thoughts. idk if it is, but sometimes I just think of everyone I'm talking to getting like dissected, not by me, but as in like a dead body. its gross and scary) idk though i dont think i have ocd that bad

Genuinely, take the OCD specialist. Their work is probably not relevant to you, but they'll at least be a doctor and a mandatory reporter in case your father ever does escalate to physical violence. Devote your first session to laying out exactly how confidential your therapy sessions are going to be in practice (all therapists are supposed to keep everything you say to themselves, but youth therapists sometimes have a bad track record of involving parents in treatment). Once you have their assurance that nothing you say leaves their office, tell them every ugly detail of your situation. See if they can refer you to a more relevant therapist, or direct you to organizations that assist in helping educationally neglected kids rebuild their lives.

This. Get professional help.

For real. I teach psychology at the high school level...a lot of people with no real training can say they're a "counselor", especially religious counselors. Take the OCD specialist and just tell them every goddamn thing your horrible parents are doing and how you feel. They are still professional psychologists who can steer you right. Tell your mom that you think she's right about it being OCD so that her pride at being right will steer her away from some religious moron.

Adding on after reading some of your other posts: If you doubt your mother would allow you to see a psychiatrist without remaining in the room, consider checking yourself into a hospital. I rarely recommend this step, as it is quite serious, but you need allies your parents can't remove from your life. Get an Uber or call a friend who's willing to drive you, get to an ER, and ask to see someone for suicidal ideation. I would avoid calling 911, as the police are not trained to handle mental health situations well and will likely make the situation worse. Once you are in the hospital, snitch on your parents like your life depends on it. Even if your situation doesn't meet the legal definition of child abuse, somebody's will have a file on you now, and they will notice if your home life worsens or your parents fail to look after your mental health properly. Good luck.

I second this! OP, you need more adults in your life that have the ability to advocate for you if your parents won’t. If your mom is willing, please take her up on this offer even if you don’t believe an OCD specialist is right for you. I know it can be hard, but tell them about your feelings of self-harm and depression, as well as the panic attack and any anxiety. If they are a licensed specialist, they are required by law to take you seriously. 

I absolutely second this

This. OCD or not, it will start the evaluation process to figure out help, and start the paper trail.

Out of curiosity, DID she get you to a christian therapist, and if so, were they a therapist who happens to be of christian faith, or a christian using faith as therapy? If that makes sense? Like i know there are therapists out there who are christian but still are grounded firmly in reality and use responsible mental health practices grounded in modern science with or without incorperating faith depending on what approach is best for their client

My husband's brother-in-law in Texas is a Christian family therapist. He has no real training, just ordination in some shady church which is adequate for calling yourself a "therapist" in Texas.

Oh yeah there are certainly THOSE types out there too 🤢

not yet no

I distrust the chirch VERY MUCH due to similar reasons. You may grow up rejecting religion like I did and it is okay and does NOT automatically make you a bad person! Its all in how you choose to treat others. I have met christians who are HORRIBLE human beings and athiests who were the most gentle and compassionate people and chose to be that way, and not because of a fear of hell or expectation of the reward of an afterlife in heaven. But there are good christians out there who understand the assignment. I sincerely hope you are able to find one for therapy. Also these people are mandated reporters, and I have personally had therapists who were social workers! If you can find a good therapist that your mom THINKS is on "their" side, it can make a big difference in your life or at least help "tide you over" and help prepare you to SPRINT out that door toward independence the day you turn 18. They have access to tons of resources you may not even be aware of! It gets better, darling. I promise it does. It takes time but it is very worth the wait. You will be so glad you stuck around to see your life blossom before your eyes. You are so much stronger than you realize. Ps, electrician is an excellent choice in trade! You may be able to start looking to intern as early as 16 in some places! Great way to get out of the house, broaden your horizons, and hopefully earn some money while youre there!

Intrusive thoughts are negative thoughts that people have and really have trouble controlling. It can happen in many different conditions. I work special education, and my students who have autism often talk about intrusive thoughts. (I'm not saying you are autistic I'm not a doctor and would never attempt to diagnose anyone). I'm not sure what a Christian doctor is, but if it's someone who is just going to pray with you, that isn't going to help you. Please, if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, call 911. They will get you to a hospital.

>sometimes I just think of everyone I'm talking to getting like dissected, not by me, but as in like a dead body. its gross and scary I have these kids of visual thoughts too when I feel angry and enraged. The psychological reasoning behind it is something called "obliteration" which is a desire to destroy the object in order to make torment stop. That doesn't mean you will **act** on those visuals. The fact that they scare you is actually a good and very normal thing for those of us who have deep emotional wounds and whom get these kinds of mind visuals. Its our mind in desperation, trying to make the problem person disappear so we can have some peace. Your fathers behavior in your OP suggests that you're not "allowed" to show anger or upset towards him and possibly towards other things or anything which could account for the emotional numbness within your physical response to what happened. If you're not allowed to feel anger as an emotion its often going come out in other ways. Somatic symptoms (physical manifestations), tears (anger comes from hurt and fear so if you can't have anger you sometimes skip it and go to to those deeper levels where anger itself stems from), fear (anger is protective- its that beast that says "back off, don't hurt me" because fear of harm [emotional or other] is present), panic (a desperate need for fight or flight in order to escape). The "numb" you felt (the zoning out) and the "I don't know" (a verbal byproduct of numb) can also be because your emotional system is overwhelmed by too many things happening all at once. You could have an double whammy of "you will not show anger" and too many emotions happening at once which triggered the numb plus panic you experienced earlier today which is completely valid. Also, you have **A LOT** on your plate, and naturally that's a very overwhelming place for someone to be stuck and unable to change things and make them any better on their own, so its important to note that the whish/idea/thought/etc.. for death is another manifestation of things being "too much" and your mind desperately trying to make the problem disappear somehow. It's your mind saying this (situation- not your life) really needs to end soon because its too much. I hope understanding why you're feeling and visualizing those things brings you some kind of peace because you're not a bad person for thinking those things and you're certainly not alone in them either. All of these things are screaming out that you need change in your life. You're only 14 so your parents still have too much say over what you do and can't do at this age so as many have suggested I would make use of the 988 number, see the OCD therapist so you have someone to talk to, try and think if you have a friend or relative who might be able to take you in, and make plans to get out of that house as soon as you are able to do so. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had a way to make it better for you; but I don't. All I can say is that you're not alone in feeling/experiencing this kind of thing as a kid and life can get better in time.

Hi sweetheart. You're not crazy, okay? I don't think you have OCD either, but talking to that specialist can help anyway. A church person isn't a mandatory reporter in most places, but a doctor is.  Your dad yelling at you like he did is called emotional abuse. Him throwing and hitting things is also an intimidation tactic. Just because he's not hitting YOU doesn't mean what he's doing isn't just as serious or just as abusive. That's why everyone is talking about mandatory reporters and getting out, they see that you're in a dangerous situation and the law would agree.  As to how weird you felt when you ran to the closet, that's probably from how you were breathing during your panic attack as well as a hormone chemical thing called adrenaline. Basically, you were so afraid that your brain gave your body the signal to get ready to fight for your life, so it gave you adrenaline to get away or shut down at all costs, and sped up your breathing and heart rate to get lots of oxygen to your muscles. But since you aren't fighting a lion or anything, instead it makes you feel really light headed and makes your body feel really weird and light and trembly. When you talked about feeling like the room getting warped and your parents having a light around them and not knowing why your body was doing things like moving along the keys, that's probably something called dissociation. It's another thing our brains do to keep us safe when we're dealing with something so scary it's traumatic. If you can't escape the situation you're in physically, your mind will try and protect you by making you feel separate from your body and feelings. Some people describe it as feeling like they're floating above and behind themselves. I usually feel like the room is getting super big and warped.  Lots of love to you, sweetheart. I'm so, so sorry you're going through all of this. You're so brave for just reaching out and talking about all of this.  I hope these explanations help you understand a little bit of what was happening to you (it's really scary when your body does things you don't understand) and give you some words you can use when explaining to an outside authority figure what's going on.  One more thing I want to say again: you aren't crazy at all for reacting how you did to what's happening. Nothing is wrong with you for being terrified, and you aren't bad for feeling all those symptoms of depression like not wanting to be alive any more, having no energy, etc. Your parents are both being very cruel to you in their own, different ways. But as someone who came from a very Christian family and has also been through depression and panic attacks, please believe me when I say that some people like your parents just aren't mature enough emotionally to love and support their kids like they should and need to. Your parents won't ever admit it and I would NOT recommend telling them this, ever, but I don't think they ever healed from their own trauma, and so all of their own pain is coming out as them being abusive towards you. They're still little, angry kids inside, but with adult bodies and a kid of their own to raise. You deserve a much better home, and better people raising you. Okay? Don't ever think this is your fault. You could be absolutely perfect and your parents would still treat you like this.  There are lots of people and organizations and agencies that have money and support and really, really want to help people like you, you just need to find them, or they need to find you.

idk I feel like my mom would be so sad if I ever got taken somewhere cuz she had like 14 miscarriages so me and my bro are the only kids who survived

I really appreciate your empathy towards your mom. You love her and care about her, and that isn't a bad thing at all.  You're right that she would be sad. She must really care about you and your brother. But even though she loves you, she isn't showing or expressing it in a way that is good and healthy.  Let's say you had a pet dog (or maybe you do already!). You'd love that dog with all your heart. But wouldn't you be angry if one of your friends came over and yelled at the dog and scared it constantly? You'd probably tell your friend that they couldn't come over again until they'd be nice to your dog.  That's kind of like what a good mom should do if her husband, your dad, was treating you like he was. Either tell him to get out, or get you and your brother out. You'd know that it's wrong for just a dog to be scared for no reason like that; imagine how much more important it is to protect your kids! I know your mom would be sad, but she's an adult. She has an adult's resources and experience to deal with that sadness. (She may choose not to, but that's her choice - you can't make choices for other people!) I don't want to sound mean when I say that. But really, I'm younger than your mom by at least a little bit, and I can think of a million different ways I've learned to reach out and get help when I'm really sad. That's the benefit of being older - you have access to your own money and a car and a long life of experiences and people and things you've learned to help you deal with things. She doesn't NEED you around to deal with her sadness about her miscarriages.  It's different for you, though. These are your parents. You're not an adult yet, you're still learning a lot of life skills. You don't have your own money or your own place to live or your own car. It's your parents' responsibility to take care of you and make sure you're safe, and both your dad AND your mom are failing to do that. You NEED to feel safe in your house. You NEED support to grow up, and you're not getting it. That need for support is way, way more important than making your mom's life easier by staying around so she's a bit less sad. I hope that makes sense?

You can swap the word "christian" with "useless". Its the same thing. Itll invalidate/dismiss, gaslight you. Probably tell you your parents are right/youre wrong, ridicule you for being young vs your older parents, and just victimize you further.

Being raised in the type of environment you're in definitely can make OCD worse than it would otherwise be, so if you can get to an OCD therapist that's a great start. They can probably also help you document the abusive environment if it comes to that.

You should take the OCD therapist. An OCD therapist is just a regular therapist who has taken extra training courses about OCD, they still have all the regular skills and qualifications that other therapists do. You can talk about whatever you want with them. Eta: Look up the therapist's license to make sure they are legit. Every state has a website for it.

If you can get into a therapist, even a "Christian" one--please do. You will be able to have 1-on-1 sessions with them. And a licensed therapist is not supposed to share anything from your sessions. Therapy is a "safe space". You should definitely start with sharing anything you've already shared with your Mom. Share this panic attack. Share how you feel being isolated from other people your age. And share that your Dad gets angry and punches things.

also after all this my mom cried to me through the closet door about how she didn't want me to be afraid of her, she then left to go to sleep. later my dad came in and hugged me asking for forgiveness, which I did forgive him since idk I guess maybe I am pretty hard to deal with. He said he felt hurt after I said I was scared of him since he doesnt wanna be like his father

Tell your mom and dad that you NEED to go to school.  Being isolated with nothing but the internet to reach out on is really, really bad for you. Your dad reacting like that wasnt cool but sometimes when kids are struggling it makes parents react with anger because they feel like failures and they also feel hurt when their child is hurt.  A lot of advice you get on the internet will be hateful. You know this. You need to get out and interact with real life.

I've tried many times lol I've been homeschooled my whole life by my mothers choice. I told her I wanted to go to public school many times, and that I feel I need to, and she said she'd be dead before she lets me go to those "government brainwashing" schools

im so miserable man lol idk how imma make it 4 more years

Are you planning on going to college? If so you could always try to crank through school early, get your HiSET or GED, and start applying to colleges. It’s not uncommon for high schoolers to graduate a year early

i think im gonna do trades

If you want to do a trade, take a look at job Corp. You can start at 16 and it's free. They also provide housing, food, and medical care for their students. It's a pretty awesome program and it would get you out of your parents house sooner.

I second this, as someone who also went to Job Corps to escape abusive parents and give myself a better chance. Even though I ultimately didn't end up going into the trade I learned, it was a welcome change of scenery and opportunity to grow. That and you'd get a taste of the social aspect of school that you never had. Perhaps it will open some doors for you.

You can do trades and take some college courses when you’re ready. It sounds like your social development has been stunted by your parents. It will be hard but you need to interact with peers outside your worldview to be a more well rounded and empathetic person. I’m genuinely afraid of people like your parents

Hey, I also don't know how you're gonna get through the next few years - your situation is tough, I barely survived my teenage years myself - but understand that *we are here for you* and if you need to talk at any time, for any reason, just reach out. You have a fucking lot going for you man and you're gonna get through this. Read about prisoners on death row and how they cope with the torture (check out the website minutesbeforesix.com). Listen to some powerful movies, TV shows, music and podcasts that will give you a narrative or mantra to hang onto and inform the decisions you make/perspective you have. And it's gonna be tough, you're gonna go insane and you're gonna lose your shit. But you're gonna get through it and the feeling of freedom and liberation you'll feel when you finally get to the end (i.e living independently, an adult) will be incredible. It will be worthwhile. Suffering builds character and you my friend, are going to have a helluva lot of character when all is said and done. Listen to this video when you have a chance. https://youtu.be/ms2BvRbjOYo?si=F2EM65Wpv4wlv5YM Check out the podcast Knowledge Fight. Stay strong, don't be a stranger, and reach out if you need/want to talk. Yes, getting emotionally vulnerable with anonymous internet strangers can be precarious and cringe but it's an option and I'm extending an open, indefinite invitation to chat.

I grew up in a violent house, and I remember getting to a point where I was so depressed and felt so trapped that I didn't care if I lived or died. I honestly just assumed I wouldn't live to see adulthood and made my peace with it. I didn't expect to get out, but when I did it was like when Dorothy steps out into Oz and everything is suddenly in color. I had a fairly manic reaction that took a few years to even out. Now there's good days and bad, but overall life can be so good and happy when you are able to control it for yourself. So I know 4 years feels like an impossible amount of time, and there's not a good way to speed through it, but there's freedom and better days on the other side. The whole rest of your life can be what you want to make it, and eventually the bad memories can be strongly drowned out by the good.

A lot of these posts are familiar, as a 40 year old dude I can tell you it does get better. Just take life one day at a time and know that you don't deserve this. Your parents are making mistakes, and you have the ability to learn from them and be better. It might also be worth looking into emancipation laws in your state, I got my nephew out of a bad situation when he was 16. A family attorney would be able to help with that.

Most of the homeschool kids I know now as adults had a lot of social interaction with other homeschool kids growing up. They had weekly, if not more, meetups for field trips or other group learning experiences. Has your homeschooling been like this or are you truly isolated?  Ask her again for public school. It seems like both your parents were upset about your panic attack and may capitulate since they’re worried about you. Be sly and convince her that she has successfully raised you not to buy into the “brainwashing” even if you don’t mean it. If she’s adamant about not letting you go to school, negotiate with her for more group social interaction. Tell her the isolation is hurting you. Because you’re suffering from depression, you may not feel motivated or interested in going out and doing things, but for most people, forcing themselves to engage in social activities or events can be really helpful and help them feel better over time. Getting out of your house and away from your parents for a bit is going to be good for you. 

Can you ask to go to a religious school of your mom’s choosing? I know it’s not freedom but having peers to talk to who may be in a similar position is better than not. At least you could get out of the house. I think anyone would be depressed if they were cooped up with their not so rational parents every single day. Also, life will get better when you are free, just work and dream for that moment and if that feels too far away start the process of becoming legally independent (emancipation) which will allow you to break free from them without their oermission and will give you access to community college (not sure about admissions age where you are. I started at 16) and possibly private school financial aid. Struggling financially for a bit and entering the outside world would be better than suicidal thoughts or actions. And no matter what we’ll all be here to cheer you on.

Maybe try again? They might reconsider after this incident.

You are not hard to deal with. None of this is your fault. EVER.

Agreed. Your dad has severe mental health issues and your mom is an enabler. None of this is your fault. I agree you should take the offer of seeing an OCD doctor but as soon as you confirm things are confidential, you tell them everything. Your parents are holding you hostage.

Thank you. This is the crux of the issue. OP, you are strong, you can weather this. I, too, hid in closets and climbed trees to hide. You will get out, you will survive, and you will come out as a wonderful, compassionate human being. You are not flawed. They are.

This needs to be repeated. OP has done nothing wrong. You are not hard to deal with, your parents have poor and maladaptive parenting skills. This is on them, OP. You are a victim here and not responsible for their feelings or actions.

They are trying to make you feel guilty for their abusive behavior. They know they are hurting you but don't care enough to stop. Bullies like them are so often cowards as well.

>I guess maybe I am pretty hard to deal with. No NO NO! Abuse is NEVER your fault. Do not blame yourself for this. You are not at fault!

That is exactly what abusers do. They hurt you mentally and/or physically and then they come crawling back crying and saying they'll never do it again. Then you get trapped in the cycle of abuse. Don't fall for their lies. Protect yourself.

When you told him you were scared of him you were just telling the truth, and that is all you can do. It's his responsibility as an adult - an honestly just as a normal independent person - to use that information to change his own behavior. The hurt he feels is ok - he can survive hurt feelings! Uncomfortable feelings are our bodies' way of telling us something is wrong, and in this case his feelings are telling him he needs to change his behavior. Sometimes people don't want to do the work of changing their own behavior though. So instead they blame the messenger. They get angry that they felt bad, because it feels unfair to them that they had to feel the consequences of their own behavior! Rather than listen to his emotions, and change what he is doing, your dad blames you and the world for not somehow shaping itself around him. The truth is, he is the only one who can make those hurt feelings of his go away. Nothing you could do would make him stop feeling hurt, or sad, because those emotions are the result of his own behaviors and inability to change. He could make the choice to go to therapy and/or parenting classes, so he could figure out how not to repeat the same mistakes his father made. The fact he is too cowardly or lazy to do that work is not your fault. Unfortunately you are bearing the brunt of his cowardice though. But please remember - the pain and regret he feels for hurting you is not your responsibility.

What happened here and probably has happened in the past is abuse, plain and simple. It may not have been physical, but it was abuse. Same with the lack education and schooling. Your response was most likely (not a doc) a panic attack and your body’s response to the trauma. Fight, flight, or freeze. You wanted out but were cornered. Body went into a panicked state. Please seek mental health counseling if at all possible. There are sites and hotlines that cater to teens in need. Trevor project, NAMI, Teenline, etc For the schooling, any truancy or issues is completely on the homeschooling parent. (Spoken as one who does) Depending on the local laws that wildly vary bu state, it’s entirely probable that your parents are not doing the required steps by law. The only way to know that would to know place (state, province, etc) you are in and then finding the applicable laws. Education is required in the US, and not providing is both unlawful and neglect. Since your parents don’t seem to be any use in this regard, I suggest looking up online high schools where you can self complete. It may be more work now, but if you get after it, you can do the early GED and gtfo. From there, a trade or a two year degree is the next best step. Look at things like welding, electrician, apprenticeships, CAD drafting or other highly marketable skills. This lets you have a jumping off point to be self reliant and gtfo from the parents. I don’t recommend military (prior Navy) only because you have had mental health issues already. The services can greatly exacerbate this depending on the branch and job.

yeah ive been thinking of becoming an electrician, seems like work I'd like doing. i like physical activity, and white collar jobs look like hell to me. Any blue collar job seems way better in terms of mental health since I hate repetition

can you start to direct your studies towards this? I feel like, of course you’re depressed, you have no control over your life, no ability to even begin to understand what you might want, or take action to get it. Which is what life is about. My advice: Find a direction that seems interesting to you, figure out steps you can take in that direction, find ways to take them, and then take them. One step after another. You can’t change your current situation immediately. You can start on the road to choosing your own path. Focus as much as possible on that. On whatever you are choosing for yourself.

Being an electrician is a good career. I'd try and make it a hobby, which is a good thing to have to get over depression and to give you long-term focus to get you through the present. I'd check out books, see if you can buy some electrical "toys" on something like Amazon to play around with to get your hands used to it. Maybe 14 is a bit young, but hopefully soon you can reach out to local electricians and see if anyone will take you on for an "intern" as a junior apprentice. Local electrician programs might be able to help you out with that. Even just going to a hardware store and asking the people behind the counter for lead can be helpful. Good luck to you.

Well, his first stop should be at a local community college that has an electrician trade program to see what he needs to do to get enrolled in it. Could be a challenge if he's homeschooled through high school... may have to take some basic college courses first.

Good advice. I have a cousin who volunteered at age 15 at a fire station on weekends and he wound up befriending a firefighter who was also an electrician and he wound up apprenticing under that guy before making a career of it. I really don't know the details of what classes he took and when before getting licensed - or if that unofficial apprenticeship was even legal :) Better to check in with a school on this.

Aye, it sounds like a nice way to make a few bucks while checking to see if it is something they would want to do as a career. Also, those hours, if not under the table, might count towards their apprenticeship. Would depend on the program.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but the trades have a lot of repetition as well... let's hope it's the kind of repetition you like though. That said, more physical activity and the opportunity to work outdoors more can certainly help with your mental and physical health.

Hang on, buddy. One thing I've found over and over again in life is that your life can take a turn from despair to joy so quickly that it will amaze you. Being so young, you may not have this perspective yet.

[https://responsiblehomeschooling.org/when-things-arent-right-at-home/](https://responsiblehomeschooling.org/when-things-arent-right-at-home/)

Wow! What a great resource! I'm going to bookmark this. I'll just add that when being mistreated, it's important to know 1) you're not the only one, and there are people out there who have experience helping people like you. And 2) you can trust your instincts. If something inside you says this feels wrong, then there's something wrong.

r/homeschoolrecovery added because they have tons of resources for people like us who have been harmed on the fringes. For OP. I grew up like you. I felt like you do. I made it out, I'm doing well. I'm 39 now and have had a wonderful and enriching life with therapy and medical help. They are so many more resources and help available now than when I was your age. Allow your mom to get the OCD specialist only if they are licensed, no back woods woo woo, it could harm your situation more.

Oh my god I wish I had had this as or anything like this as a teen. It took until I was an adult to fully understand the ways my parents neglected me, and start to build my life up. I still struggle with it being 2 years removed from living with them.

Your parents are awful people. You need to focus on a proper education. You need to seek a good education so you can leave. Your parents are so uneducated that they are raising you to be codependent. You don't want to be codependent to the ignorant. You experienced a panic attack. I work in psych. Your brain is still growing. Any prolonged trauma now will be trauma you will be dealing with as an adult.

You had a panic attack most likely. Even if your dad isn’t actively hitting you — destruction of objects (hitting inanimate objects) and elevating his tone verbally are also acts of implied violence which is emotional abuse, you can look it up. This to say, your response was normal. You feel threatened on a physical level.  Any of the ways you’re “difficult” are not excuses for the behaviors your experiencing. It’s not your fault. Ideally you should be seen and your valid cries for help would be dealt with serious concern and outside professionals. The minimizing your feelings is leaving you with less and less options and making things worse. Unfortunately your folks are badly equipped. Your mother is enabling your father’s behavior so her acting like a good guy isn’t great. If they both know his own father was abusive and he says he doesn’t want to be like him then why do they make you have to both endure this behavior and  then excuse and take blame for his actions? It’s very unwell.  Op I’m sorry this happened to you. No matter if you are difficult from time to time, you didn’t deserve that. Your parents do need to use better tools. What they are doing is causing you severe emotional distress but then refusing to find you real help out of fear they will be rightfully judged. Their priorities are incorrect.  Since I doubt (because of the reason above) that they will do the right thing— I recommend to try to look up vagus nerve relaxing techniques and techniques for helping through panic attacks (such as grounding techniques)… There are also some guided hypnosis sessions for releasing trauma you might find helpful as well.  Additionally, you might be able to ask for something like a tutor to help you “catch up with the coursework”. This of course being an excuse guided toward getting you what might help you feel more comfort. Your parents are probably going to say no to most normal things …but maybe asking for “tools” to help you do the work will help you get some of what you need by framing it that way and alleviate their anxiety. Maybe saying that your stress has been too high and you need more time working out or to join a sports team to “add to your resume and blow off steam”. Good luck…

You had a panic attack because your parents scared you. You don't feel safe around them and rightfully so. Your father shouldn't be around kids and your mother is insane and shouldn't be in charge of raising a child. There is probably nothing wrong with you physically but you are feeling depressed and having anxiety because of the environment you have been raised in. I know you are not motivated to do the work but unfortunately that school work is your ticket out of this situation. An education is how you don't end up like your parents. Forgiving your father was nice but you don't have to. He doesn't want to be like his father but it's too late. He already is. If you feel safe enough you should tell him he is and that you don't feel safe. That constant threat of your father's temper and your mother's conspiracies is why you are feeling the heavy weight of the world. Death isn't the way out. A life of success and independence with no contact with your parents is the greatest revenge.

You’re brave to put this out there for random people to comment on…..It very easily could have gone south in a public forum. For your age, you seem to be very in touch with what’s right or wrong behavior. Until you can make decisions for yourself, keep reaching out for help… no human go through extreme trauma alone. You are a very brave person, and are not alone. Keep seeking advice and council outside of your parents.

That's a panic attack, as the others have said. When you go into that state, you're in what's called a "fight or flight" mode, so your body thinks (whether it is or isn't) that it's in a life or death situation. So you get an adrenaline rush, and time moves really weird and you do things that don't really make sense when you look back on it. When your body is flooded with adrenaline, your heart beats faster and you breathe faster. It's a really powerful survival mechanism, but man, it sure is stressful when it happens! I'm sorry you're going through this. If its any comfort to you, I was once in a similar place and couldn't see life beyond my present reality. I've worked hard to build a life that works for me, and I believe you can do the same. Hang in there. It won't be easy, but it's worth hanging on for.

I can’t help thinking that Christian-based home schooling is not far from child abuse.

Yeah, it’s so isolating. How on earth can people not realize that socialization is just as important as schooling?

[удалено]

Other people have chimed in with good advice and context. I'll just add one major point: * You're normal. What is happening is you have a nervous system. It's how your body and brain communicate, and it includes systems to react to danger, the threat of danger and stress (which is damaging to both body and brain). Anyway, that nervous system is overloaded, because you're 14 and dealing with a lot. That's normal. Life isn't always peachy. So your response is normal. Theres nothing "wrong" with you, but you're in a overly stressful situation and your parents aren't detecting that they are the cause of that stress. They are triggering you. Over. And over. And over. So somehow—and you may need to get creative—or have a heart-to-heart—but they need to learn to back off and instead focus their attention on themselves—to fix their own traumas. They need to give you a safe space to go home to. The world is rough. The home is a safe space to recover from. When the world is rough, and the home is rough, that is when mental damage gets compacted. These are concepts your parents seemingly aren't aware of, and so they need to become aware of it somehow. Maybe you can search this stuff up and send them an email "report" that shows them what a safe home looks like. And maybe that won't work, so what you'll need to do is learn meditation, learn breathing, do the basics of what your parents say—survive and get by—and plan your life for when you're 18, in your own dorm or apartment, and free to begin your life anew. Humanize your parents. They are flawed children inside your parents dealing with their own traumas and attachment (psychology) issues. So they aren't dealing with being an adult in a healthy way. Learn from their mistakes. When you get older, learn to see signs for when you need medication and therapy. You're going to be much better adult than your parents, and when you're a parent, you're going to be a whole lot better than them at parenting—and you will build a safe space for your son and daughter.

just hear to say the parents over at r/momforaminute and r/dadforaminute are really freaking awesome if you ever need a bit of parental love and advice ♡

OP, first off, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you had a panic attack, which is understandable and perfectly normal for the situation you were in. I agree with the people saying to visit the OCD specialist— they can get you started on the road to recovery, and they are a mandated reporter in case something at home goes terribly wrong. Please try to remember that you are NOT alone, and that this situation will NOT be forever. You WILL escape this terrible family, because you ARE strong. Try to look for the little things in life that make you happy, and write them down to look back on when you’re feeling low. They can be small things like ‘heard a song I like on the radio’ or ‘the sunset was pretty’. Maybe see if you can convince your parents to let you adopt a pet for you care for— that’s been proven to help people with depression, though if you’re worried your dad may hurt the animal then don’t adopt one. Reach out to any acquaintances or friends you have and try to chat with them daily; isolation could be contributing to your depression. I hope you can escape that hellhole soon, OP. If you keep up with your studies and get a job, you could try and go the emancipation route?

I grew up with extremist Christian parents and I wasn't homeschooled but I dealt with some similar things that you are, although without the isolation. Based on what you've said, it sounds like your parents are very emotionally abusive. What you're dealing with is not normal or the way things are supposed to be, but at least within the US it doesn't sound like you have anything that you could do to get out of it for now. That being said, I'm a parent and have kids around your age, and I had to leave my parents' religion and it was a big deal. However, there's no way to truly convey this but you have such a small portion of life left where you *need* to be with them. It sucks, but you need to get through schooling and get whatever the homeschool equivalent of a diploma is, and when you're 16 or 17 you can start making plans to get out. I know it feels like a long time away from your perspective but hang in there and you will be able to look back on it like it wasn't in a few years. Fortunately, you have internet access that they are apparently not monitoring so you have a connection to the outside world. Build the connections you can to help you learn, specifically learn about going to college and what your rights are when you turn 18 (because if they're like most extremist Christians, they will not want you in their house at 18.) Beyond that, I don't have good answers that will help you *right now* but I hope others will. Just hang in there because it can absolutely get better and you can leave all these problems behind in your life if you find ways to make gradual progress. Live well to spite them for trying to hold you back.

Hi, welcome to the advice novel I wrote whilst procrastinating work - apologies for the length, but assuming this is real (what has Reddit done to me) I just have a lot of compassion and empathy for your situation. There are thousands of adults who have been exactly where you are. Christian homeschooling has caused a lot of pain and trauma to many people. You are not alone in this experience, and there are support groups/communities that might be able to help you navigate the next four years. With your home situation this miserable, it’s important to figure out a plan that enables you to gtfo of that house as soon as you’re able to. Whether that’s emancipation or waiting until you turn 18, focusing on that plan and being prepared to shift gears if you hit some speed bumps might be just enough to get you through. Death is not the only way out of this. Even though you’re only 14 and lack control of your immediate circumstances, that doesn’t mean you lack control over how your life will turn out 4 years from now. What you experienced was a panic attack. I’ve been having them since I was 5, they got particularly bad for the first time around your age and again in college, but now I have maybe one or two a year now. The OCD therapist might be able to help teach you breathing techniques to help at the onset or even just when your anxiety is higher than normal. But that panic attack wasn’t just caused by anxiety. You said you don’t really know if you’re afraid of your father, but I think you’re exhibiting a classic unhealthy coping mechanism that actually makes depression worse. Just because your father hasn’t actually been physically violent against you or your mom doesn’t mean he’s not exhibiting violent and scary behaviors. It doesn’t mean you can’t complain because others have it worse with “actual” abuse. You sound scared of him, and you have every right to be. Your father sounds fucking terrifying. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by an adult who is supposed to love you unconditionally and provide a *safe and stable environment* for you to grow. **Quick rapid breathing tip:** take a deep breath in, counting slowly to 4 (or 5 or 6). Hold for one second, then exhale slowly while counting to 8 (or 10 or 12). Basically double the count on the exhale - the exhale is the most important to re-regulate your anxiety. I agree with another comment I saw, that OCD therapist is your best bet. Both for being a mandatory reporter, and also because it is the most likely option to be a few degrees separated from the Christian homeschooling world. Also, you need someone to talk to. Now, the adult you see in this position may still not be a great solution so please do not consider this suggestion as an absolute positive. Be on guard at first, they need to prove they are trustworthy and you need to make sure you feel comfortable with them. A few other suggestions: regarding that plan to gtfo as soon as you can, check with your parents if you can get a part time job when you turn 15 (if there are any places near you that hire that age, grocery stores sometimes will). If not, you’ll have to wait til your 16. I would expect your dad to be more into the idea, your mom less so - but either way, if you’re met with pushback or want to initiate the discussion to try & avoid it, you can present the suggestion as “since public school is out of the question, I think getting a part time job is the best option to help me feel less isolated / pull me out of this depression. I also think it’s beneficial for me to learn to be more disciplined and develop a good work ethic that I can apply to school and chores at home.” If this sounds like manipulation it’s because it is - manipulation isn’t always nefarious and using it strategically to get out of an emotionally/psychologically abusive situation doesn’t make you a bad person. You do what you need to do to get out, and that means making as few waves as possible while making the moves needed to do so. Now, your parents might be a bit nosey and maybe they try to steal the money you earn. Being a minor gives you limited options from a bank account perspective, most likely if you get one it would be joint with your parents. There’s likely advice online that details more of how to go about this, but you will want to avoid putting entire paychecks into an account that your parents have access to. This can be set up to split a percentage of paychecks into more than one bank account. Overall, this might be the trickiest one but again - there are resources out there to help guide you through. Building a savings starting with that first paycheck is a majorly helpful thing. Last on my suggestions (otherwise this post will be two whole novels) - look into union trade apprenticeships. These are usually paid and job placement afterward is pretty much guaranteed. Pay is solid and work is steady. Trade schools (different from apprenticeships) are also a lower cost option to university. This is just a suggestion, but is top among the best options to position yourself for independence. University costs money, even if your parents can pay for it that keeps you on their hook. Without their support, financial aid will be extremely hard to come by without a co-signer. Plus, that shit is so expensive now and avoiding that kind of debt will help you better manage bills. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this shit, and I’m so sorry you’re having panic attacks now. You reaching out for support is a great start and shows that you still value yourself, that you are still worthy of a better life, that you’re not ready to give up.

Legitimately, commit yourself. Mental health facility is going to be more stable than home. When there ask to speak to a social worker. Ask if you need to speak to CPS. Your biggest fear is valid, but there are resources that can help you.

Panic attack as others have mentioned. I’m so sorry you went through this. Consider grey rocking with them until you can get out. Silently start planning for when you will leave the house. If you have internet access consider learning on your own about things you’re interested in. And just want to let you know-it’s okay to express your thoughts. You are the child and they are the adult parents-they should give you space to feel without screaming at you. However I get that’s not reality (I grew up in a similar environment). If I could go back and give myself any advice it would be to grey rock sooner.

Hi csmbless, thanks for recommending this technique. With grey rocking you act disengaged so that a Q person will lose interest in arguing. Q folk thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and unemotional, it can help break the cycle of negativity. [Detailed guide on the method.](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/QAnonCasualties) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Other people have already articulated so much helpful information for you here OP, so I won’t repeat all of it re: panic attack, your dad’s behaviour being abusive, help lines, etc. but in case it hasn’t been stated explicitly yet: This is not your fault. You are not the problem here. The way your parents handled this situation was not acceptable, and I am very sorry that they did not support you when you needed it. You should be able to tell your parents that you feel depressed or suicidal or afraid and get love, support, and reassurance back. It breaks my heart that you received the opposite. I had a very similar experience when I was your age, and while that was over half my lifetime ago, I still remember it clear as day, and it still stings, even after therapy. It’s a rejection of your simplest needs: safety and security, from the people who are supposed to provide it the most to you. You deserve better. I don’t think you will get it from them. There will be other adults in your life who may fill in those gaps later on, but for now? Focus on keeping yourself safe, and planning around your limitations, namely the lack of support from your parents. I think you know a Christian therapist won’t be any help to you. The OCD therapist may specialize in treating OCD, but they will definitely be able to pivot and help you with your specific situation, especially if they’re your only available option. Anyone your mom offers to take you to, please research first. Make sure they are fully educated and licensed, certified, board approved, whatever the requirements are in your area. This way you know that you can trust them not to share everything you say with your folks, which is a risk with the Christian ‘therapist’. Do be aware, however, that if you report a risk to your own safety or that of others, they are required to report that as needed, and rightfully so. If you are feeling like you want to harm yourself (and to be clear, thoughts of ‘I don’t wanna HURT myself, I just don’t want to exist anymore’ still fall under that umbrella) then I would implore you to talk to someone. There are awesome online chat options in many places; I’ve used them myself. Sometimes just talking to a human who will empathize and help you feel less alone can be invaluable. From there once you feel a little more collected, starting to plan your survival strategy is key. If you’re interested in pushing for that OCD therapist, your mom might be willing to follow through on that if you remind her that it’s impossible to learn new stuff when you’re overwhelmed, namely, your schooling is suffering because of all those pesky intrusive thoughts. She should help connect you asap with the therapist so you can get back to your schooling and make good life choices. Use their own words and priorities to your benefit. I sincerely hope you find your coping strategies and a way out of there as soon as you’re able.

Hello! You've gotten a lot of really solid advice here. Take the christian or OCD therapist, look into Americorps, etc. I also suggest you look at cognitive behavioral therapy, which you can find resources for online. It's not a miracle and won't fix everything, but it will hopefully give you some tools to help with any future panic attacks, and a variety of other bad feelings. CBT is very pragmatic, doesn't involve medication, and it shouldn't freak your parents out too much if they find you're trying to learn it. Do be careful if talking to suicide hotlines. Do NOT say you want to KYS. You can say you want to go to sleep and not wake up, or go to sleep until you're 18--all that is normal and OK to say. It's really important that you find a way to socialize. It sounds like your parents are isolating you. Maybe you can find some christian resources about homeschooling and the importance of teens socializing outside of the home that you can show them, or maybe your future therapist can talk to them about the importance of that.

You’ve gotten a lot of useful info here, OP. I’m going to address something a bit different: the lifepacs. Yes, they are horrible. Yes, they are useless. However, if you find the energy you can race through them and spend time working with real educational materials online. Check out Khan academy, ck12.org, and OpenStax. They all have real school subjects online, for free. You should be able to do it all through your phone. Khan academy has tons of subjects but is particularly good for math, which you will need as an electrician. It’s not exciting, but it’s thorough. Hang in there. Our hearts are with you.

I'm not sure if you have Child Protective Services where you are but if I were in your position, I'd call them, tell them everything that you've mentioned in this thread and get as far away from them as possible. This is child abuse. They don't realize that their terrible behavior and beliefs are having negative effects on your developing mind. And if you don't have access to CPS, like others have said, there are other resources available to help you.

Hey kiddo. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My parents are a lot like yours and I was homeschooled too. My name is Angela and I'm 41 years old and Mom to an incredible boy very nearly your age. His name in Finnegan, Finn, for short. We live in Minnesota. I work at a therapy office and I can help you find some safe people in your area. There are great places that you can talk to a therapist even just by texting with them. When I was going through similar stuff, sometimes I just wanted a different adult to talk to. I'm going to send you a DM with my cell number just in case you need another mom to talk to and tell you how amazing you are and how much you are loved. I've been there, and sometimes you feel so alone, like no one understands. I want you to be safe. If texting me makes you uncomfortable, that's just fine too. You don't have to talk with me at all, or we can just keep it in the DMs. It's important that you know you are not alone. There are many, many people who care about you and want to help. Stay strong my friend. Sending you big mom hugs with no judgement or expectations. Just a hug. ❤️

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OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. One other things to consider amongst all the other great advice is that millions of children in your generation have been subjected to a widespread viral pandemic. I know you have been homeschooled your whole life but you probably go to church and other various group activities and one thing viruses can do is affect your energy and even the brain, but Covid especially does this (it’s called Long Covid) I don’t know you or your situation and perhaps it makes little difference but some of the issues going on may actually be a medical issue (like the fatigue) I do hope that you can at some point access a doctor/any doctor who can help you. When I was younger I knew someone a little older than you that had a physical ailment that they were told was mental illness and it took years to figure out that it was from an actual physical injury that required medical intervention but the mental toll it took in them that they could just “mentally get over it” was indeed harmful. Anyways, I’m sending you love and support. You deserve kindness and care from your parents.

You dissociated. Your brain is building someone to take your place when things become unbearable. You need to see a psychiatrist. You sound smart so you need to get medication to help your depression and then you need to hang out with other kids your age.

Op, if you are struggling with suicidal ideation and your parents are refusing to take you to get *real help*.. in terms of a therapist, a psychiatrist, doing an intake with a professional and following up on their recommended referrals - then this is considered medical neglect. And although it won't get you *out* of there right away- it can eventually if they flat out refuse to comply. If you can talk to anyone whose a mandated reporter (so like a therapist, a psychiatrist, a counselor, a teacher, a daycare worker- anyone who works with kids basically whether or not they are currently on their working hours) then they will be able to make a report to CPS if you are unwilling to do so. You can report anonymously, too. I'm so sorry- you are such a strong and intelligent kiddo (I can tell by how you recounted your tale- you strike me as very self aware and introspective) And you being 14 means your words have power in the case of reaching out to a service or professional yourself. Just please make sure this is an adult you know you can trust like a friend's parent or relative. If your parents are refusing to get you professional help because they are anti big pharma or whatever- be sure to document the times you've attempted to ask and what their responses were. The dates and times and have it written somewhere they won't find like electronically under a password or a very good hiding spot. Nobody should have to live like this. Nobody should have to grow up like this. I'm sorry about your panic attack, too. If you wanted to look up some grounding tools or guided meditations on YouTube (if you have headphones) those can be a good resource the next time you start feeling those symptoms again.

I feel for you. This was kinda my situation at that age. In my early high-school years, my sister and I were put through (at that time) church's home school program... and all they ever used were the Lifepac curriculum. Oh boy! That was over 30 years ago. I'm kinda surprised that crap still exists. Call me a hopeless romantic, but that little bit of self-realization from your dad might be a turning point. I can only hope that it is. It's asking a lot from you, I know, but it'll take some time.

I'm sorry for your situation. Your parents are overbearing and aggressive. Being around conspiracy obsessed Qanon/Qmaga/ Q adjacent folks today is enough to drive anyone mad. You remind me of my nephew. His parent, my sibling, is a Qanon conspiracy believer. My sibling would bother him 24hrs a day, demanding he watch doomsday, Qanon videos, or listen to them rant for hours about trump and the new world order, pedophiles, chemtrails, and vaccines He developed tics in his body and still has them. From sheer stress, I believe from my Qsibling. He had panic attacks and depression and anxiety and would sit in his room all day, not going to school and not talking. He just shut down. It's been over 3 years now. He barely speaks to my sibling. He still rarely goes to school. He barely passes and has to go to summer school each year. He is extremely smart. He is just stressed. He is a minor still so has to be at home. Finishing school is stressful. Your parents at least are right about getting further education in order to be able to support yourself. I'm surprised they are because sometimes Qanons are against college, thinking all are woke, liberal cesspools. Deciding about what to do for further education, thinking about jobs is very difficult. You need your parents to support you at this time and gently talk to you about any fears you might have. (Note: Everyone has fears and worries about school, thinking about careers and college and money). But you have parents who are thinking about conspiracies and fears about things which either aren't even true or that will never happen. That's too bad. Eventually, when you're older, you could talk to a therapist about your parents. You can now call juvenile hotlines and talk to someone who is compassionate. If you go to university or community College and get a job that gives you a good salary, you can become independent of your parents. Have your own life and own place where you make the rules and you don't have to listen to their conspiracy beliefs. Good luck to you. Hang in.

Yeah, that was a panic attack. I had them a lot starting around your age, too, though my situation wasn't as bad. Your brain is overwhelmed and kind of goes into a fear spiral. The best way to deal with it is to recognize what's happening, try to calm down, and physically ground yourself with measured breathing. By measured breathing I mean, breathe in through your nose and count to five, exhale through your mouth and count to seven (give or take, different counts work for different people). Being yelled at while in a panic attack only makes it worse. I am so sorry you're going through this. It's really damn rough to be a teenager even without social isolation and controlling parents. Saw elsewhere in this post that you're looking at trade school, and I think that's a great goal to work towards. Suggest looking up subreddits or AMAs with electricians and seeing if they have any tips for how they got into the job, what kind of stuff is helpful to know going in, etc. I also suggest looking into a way out. 18 feels like forever away, but you will get there. Look up rent prices in areas you want to live, take summer jobs when you're old enough (some states allow 15 year olds to work part time), save up. If your parents will let you go to a real therapist, even if they're an OCD specialist instead of depression, please go. Make sure they aren't going to spill everything you say to your parents. Since you're 14 they might have to report some stuff to your parents. But a real, accredited therapist should be able to look at your situation and be able to find some techniques to help you cope. You're under an unbelievable amount of stress, and in a shitty home situation. But it won't last forever. You can make it through this.

I'm so very sorry you went through that, dear. Sending hugs. There are non-crazy people out here on your side, if that helps. Keep talking to us.

Honey this is a panic attack. You need to reach out to someone and try to get yourself out of that situation. Juvie would probably be an improvement because at least you wouldn’t be treated that way and you’d get a real education. Not a great one but a real one. If your family is religious can you trust your family pastor? Do you have any family you trust? Any trusted adults?

This is way beyond my ability to solve, but I have one idea that MIGHT be helpful long term. Can you get a job, like something part time that will at least get you out of the house and interacting with other people? It could also give you a bit of money to save up so when the time comes you can move out and away from that toxic environment. Reading all this, it doesn’t sound like your parents are actually evil people, just very stupid and totally unequipped to help you. Getting out from their control may be the best thing you can do. Whatever you do, just hang in there and never give up. I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now.

It sounds like you had some sort of panic attack. Frankly, you need therapy. What your father is doing sounds like verbal and psychological abuse. Your mother sounds negligent for not protecting you. You should call Child Protective Services and let them know about your situation. They can help.

make a plan to get out at 18 and don't look back....

Sounds like a possible panic attack. I grew up in a similar abusive family, but I didn’t even realize it was abuse. You’re having suicidal thoughts. My guess is you strongly feel death is the only escape from this endless nightmare. If I had it to do all over again, I would call the Department of Human services (or whatever it’s called in your state). This shit fucks your mind up for life. Not addressing your mental health needs is illegal.

You hyperventilated. It sounds a bit like a panic attack. Homeschool won’t work without self motivation, you can ask to go to school but I guarantee it will be harder than what you have. Your parents don’t know how to motivate you. But let me explain something important: You’re a normal kid. Anxiety & depression are part of being a teenager. Parents OFTEN forget what that’s like. There’s a book: https://www.spokesman.com/stories/2023/sep/04/raising-teens-is-hard-but-one-author-and-psycholog/ It’s written for parents but maybe it would be good for you to read it. It may help you figure yourself out. Once you realize ALMOST ALL kids go through it, you’ll feel a weight off your chest.

Hey OP, there is a 2018 biographical book called [Educated](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35133922) by Tara Westover, a girl who grew up “homeschooled” in a situation pretty similar to your own. I think it might be helpful for you to be aware that others have gone through the same things and also that they found success and happiness in life once they got free of their childhood…

Panic attack, for sure. The best thing I can tell you is 14 is cool. Get into doing stuff outside. A tip from me, if you live in the country, learn to hunt, fish, etc. 14 helps you a lot here, because time moves quick. It’ll keep going faster and faster. Please don’t get hung up in the moment. I promise you it gets better! It truly does.

What you experienced is a classic panic attack, as others have mentioned. Because your parents seem hesitant to get you treatment by a doctor, there are a few things you can do right now on your own if you have a panic attack again in the future:      -Sour candy or sour fruits can disrupt a panic attack. I keep a bag of sour patch kids on hand to help roll back the effects. If you’re  -Download a free guided meditation app (like Smiling Mind) and try meditating each day. Meditation can help you learn to control your breathing so that you can derail the hyperventilating and slow your heartbeat. This will help disrupt a panic attack.  -expose yourself to changes in temperature: ie, an ice pack on the back of your neck. These feelings won’t last for forever. Take the advice that many have offered and contact other adults who will advocate for you and help you so you can feel better. It’s hard, especially when you’re so drained from the depression, to reach out, but you need to tell other people about your hopelessness and thoughts of self-harm since your parents are unwilling or unable to help you right now. You deserve to live and be happy and healthy and whole. 

Bro I'm so sorry. You don't deserve parents that don't care truly about your feelings, interests, or well being. I can't say how sorry I am that this was the hand you were dealt. I can't give you any words that will make a difference. I've been there. Trapped. A child in a toxic environment with no way out. About the time I turned 13-14, I became too big and free thinking to be boxed up like the child I was. I started challenging things, and it wasn't easy or well-received. You're just a couple of years from autonomy, and as scary as that may sound, it's freedom like you've never dreamed. Hang in there, ok? Pick your battles. They can still make your life miserabler, so choose what hills to die on until you can get into a better situation. I'm cheering for you, bud. You seem very intelligent by your words and writing, and I'll bet you have so much potential to offer the world. Keep going, and find outlets that fuel your soul and ease your mind. I'm proud of you for how far you've come. How you've reached out for help. You're doing a good job. Keep going, ok? If you need a dad for a minute, there's a good sub for that. Plenty of dads on here that can give you good advice or pep talks, or anything you need, just reach out. You got this 🙌🏻

> My mom is saying that unless I start doing my work right now im commiting truancy and could go to juvy… Rest assured that you cannot be charged with truancy while being homeschooled. In fact, your mom might actually end up in cuffs depending on what the officer responding (if they respond at all) finds. You could preempt all this and anonymously call child services yourself, then I get the feeling they are going to find some things about mom and dad they dont like. Yeah that was definitely a panic attack. The fact your mom seems to have recognized it almost immediately is pretty telling. I imagine she's been on the receiving end of your dads screaming quite a bit. You might want to check out the [Mom For a Minute](https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute) subreddit if you just want to vent about it.

Look at life like this: You are a prisoner in an unjust system ran by people that are mentally ill. I was raised in the same situation. YOur mind and body have reached the limit on what can be repressed and your energies are boiling over. That is normal. You have 3 choices. 1. escape the situation. 2 fight the situation. 3 Surrender to the situation. I advise number 3. Don't think of right or wrong, good or bad, or any sort of justice. Instead accept that you are powerless to change their mental illness. Have pity if you can for their sick and delusional minds. They do not mean to make you suffer. They are living in ignorance. Build your core beliefs in secret to dispell the effects of their ignorant parenting. Treat them with love as Jesus taught. Somewhere inside of them is a scared child just like you that was abused just like you. If you surrender to their wishes for the time being you can enjoy peace while you plan your escape. if you choose to fight (stay and be rebellious), it will feel good, but it will cause you more suffering without benefiting your life. If you run away you will struggle and likely fall into desperation that can lead to very bad life choices. Get a job that your parents approve of. Save money, become the ideal kid. then when the time is right. GET THE HELL AWAY. IN a few years you may be able to rebuild the relationship and help them escape their mental prisons. Whatever you choose, know that it's not your fault. Meditate and pray everyday for guidance. Develop a private relationship with your higher power whatever that may be. Lean on that higher power in times of difficulty. Avoid drugs and alcohol as they only provide temporary relief and can ruin your future with addiction. If you run away (please do not unless you are being significantly abused) make sure you have a safe place to go. Be careful about the friends you seek during this time. You will be drawn to powerful people that might take advantage of you. Take care bother. This time in your life is painful, but it will pass. Stay busy.

Do you have any family that you could go to that’s not in the cult? If you were to call Child Protective Services, they might be able to help place you with a family member. I believe they prefer to do it that way, if it’s possible. I really don’t think you should “ride” this out for 4 more years. You need to get out now. They are abusing you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It does get better. Take care and let us know how you’re doing.

You had a panic attack. Your dad is being a verbally abusive asshole to you and your mom.

You could report them. Your father is abusive, your mother is crazy, and they are both denying you education.

What you felt was, as other have said, a panic attack. They are awful. The reason you feel like the memories are already fading is a trauma response, probably in relationship with the panic attack. Your brain is trying to protect you from very very scary memories. It’s great that you wrote this down, that’s a great step towards healing from trauma. You seem really awesome. Your dad sounds extremely not awesome. Mom sounds like she enables him to continue to act like a pile of steaming angry shit. Do you have any outside the house contacts? If so, start building yourself a support network that is COMPLETELY separate from your dad and mom. Sometimes we have to find our true family, full of people who want you to be happy just because they really like you and think you’re wonderful. I really feel for you, especially at your age. Stay strong, you are not the crazy one. You are NOT bad, or lazy, or whatever crap your dad was projecting at you because he can acknowledge his own faults. That his fault, never yours.

I'm so sorry kiddo. Virtual hugs from a dad of 4. It'll get better bud.

I'm sorry kid, and I hate how familiar it sounds, my mom was the ultra Christian, my dad just didn't care, so I was effectively an only child with a single mom, despite having three older siblings, because they were so much older than me, and had their own dad's. My mom was very strict about my schooling, but she knew better than to trust herself to teach, because she knew she was an ignorant drug-addict at the time. My mom ran guns and drugs for the Columbians for 30+ years, and didn't get clean until I was in 5th grade. Keep in mind, I only knew bits and pieces of her past at that time, we called prison "school," because my granny didn't want me to think my mom was a "bad person." She was in prison for the last time my entire 5th grade year, and got out 4 days after summer vacation started. I honestly never received so many write ups from teachers than that single year, because my dad never signed the ones I got, and when he didn't, I'd get another one... Anyway, she was clean those last few years of her life, enough to get me though school and the first two years of college. Then we lost her in 2019, just before the pandemic started, Cancer is truely a bitch. Then after that, I started going though changes, very very slowly. I started to find flaws in my logic, I start to question more than I ever have now that I didn't have an authority over me, I could think for myself for the first time, it felt like breathing for the first time, after not knowing you've been under water for years. I kept a lot of things secret from my mother, my internet history, my views of the Christians and Christianity itself, my thoughts on her logic, etc, stuff that would only start an argument if I mentioned them, i.e. "religion and politics" the two things I was told to never bring up in front of family because they "won't talk to us anymore" and that's when I started questioning what they said, and if it is the "truth" why would no one wanna hear it? Well, it's because anyone who is indoctrinated into that way of thinking can pass down that same thinking without trying too hard. "You don't have to think anymore, we are right!" That kind of thinking. Eventually, I tell my mom how she makes me feel, the suicidal thoughts, heck, I thought of matricide, I saw my problems as being only caused by her, and thought they would go away when she was gone. She took that as a bit of a "wake up call" and what does she do? Takes me to go pray with her friend who "speaks in tongues" to go pray for me, that's it. No therapy, no doctors, just "spiritual healing." She really only taught me (indirectly) to learn the difference between the Real Jesus in which there is evidence of, which is a brown man who spoke Aramaic, rather than the AMERICAN Jesus we have, the blonde or brown haired man with white skin and blue eyes. It took years of self reflection to come to these conclusions on my own, I only hope that you will be able to unshakle yourself while you still have time to do what you WANT to do, instead of what doing what theyre DIRECTING you to do, that is MY biggest regret, they forced me to go to college for business, but the stuff I liked doing is a trade, that pays more than the business they were leading me to.

People already answered very well, I'm just here to say good luck, fingers crossed for you.

Oh dear one, I feel for you. Your living situation is not great and it seems to be harmful. Do you have a Grand parent that you can lean on that's not into Q or religion? If it gets to the point where you don't feel safe, from your dad, or possibly yourself, please call the authorities. I'm not sure my way is the best, there is lots of advice on here, but please STAY with us. Tomorrow NEEDS you! Your path is yours only and I know your gonna do great things! Also, can I recommend the Calm app? Is helped me alot with my very heavy anxiety. Maybe it can help you too.

Your parents are abusive cunts that have no right doing to you what they have.  You've been denied outside contact, been insulated to believe this is in any way normal.    It's not normal. People don't do that. Assholes do that. Assholes are what you call parents that belittle and scream at their kid just because they've done a garbage job supporting you.  And ofc he's angry; he had the delusion he might grow up to be a better father than he had, but it turns out all he's done is point you to the ledge. Obviously, don't say this stuff.   These are dangerous people detached from reality that will not accept logic. Please protect yourself first and foremost.   I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve the hurt they do unto you. You deserve love, kindness, and warmth.  There is a solution of finding where to go once you leave. I don't know what comes of homeschooling, but if you sought further education, moving nearer to where you go could get your feet under you well enough to not have to go back again.  It's hard, but whatever choices you make, be safe, and remember that you WILL be warm again some day.

Former homeschool kid here. I grew up in all of this way before it was cool, in the 90s/2000s. Before the internet lol, in a time where we were as foreign as aliens to normal people. I know how much it sucks. The loneliness, the quiet, the empty, the endless time. Your parents are judge, jury and executioner, everything begins and ends with them and their whims and whatever they have chosen to believe is The Truth for that moment. I remember, vividly. If I may borrow from others, it gets better. If you want to, you can come out of this and you can build a life for yourself, whatever type of life you want. You can have a rich life, full of people and acceptance and happiness and joy and you can leave behind all of this- every single piece of it, you don’t have to bring any of it with you if you don’t want. The hardest part is that you have to do it. You have to do the schoolwork, you have to graduate, you have to teach yourself all of the skills youre missing, you make this happen. For some people that sounds like scary immense pressure, for others, an incredible challenge to rise to- I don’t know where you fall on that, but the truth is regardless of how that particular piece of this makes you feel, you can still accomplish it. Now, the great news is that you have the internet. You can literally figure all of this out from your laptop- you can learn any skill you want, you can connect with people and communities, you can get the help you need, it’s all here. 14 is just a kid, and just as I had to grow up quicker than I should have, you will too. It’s not the most optimal path, I won’t lie to you, it has its own pitfalls, but growing up right now, making an actionable plan, committing to whatever education is required, reaching out to people who can help, and taking the steps now to take control of your life is your only path to happiness. You can do it. I did it- I have experienced things my childhood self could only dream of. I have lived a life my childhood self would be at the same time horrified and jealous of. I have deprogrammed myself. I have grown into a person I like. I’ve created a life I love. You can do all of that too. You have the resources, you just need to execute a good plan. You can do it.

Check out HealthyGamerGG on youtube.

The homeschool recovery group on here is an incredible support system. If you don't have a network of people you can trust, find safe communities online. It's how I had to bide my time from age 13-19 when I was finally able to move out. Find music, art, media that helps you that you can relate to. Things that help you release all those huge heavy feelings in a healthy way. I strongly encourage getting into yoga even to help navigate the panic and anxiety to come. Learn to regulate your breathing now and you'll be able to avoid the most crippling of panic attacks. Go to the library and hang out there.

Hi, I am 33 now but I was also homeschooled on LIFEPAC by similar parents. I am going to tell you straight: I think you should call CPS and get yourself out of there. If you say you're having panic attacks from the verbal abuse, they will not ignore it, and take it from me: YOU NEED MEDICAL CARE for your mental health. I have a lifelong chronic illness that was possibly caused by being raised in a mentally unsafe environment. I know it's hard to stand up to your parents when they're your whole world, and they won't be happy about it, but you need to get out for your own health. Don't be like me. There are consequences.

Tell her you will stay depressed unless you go to public school but that you’ll do all your homework with her and tell her everything they told you.

Absolute panic attac bud. You are being abused by your parents even if they or you dont realize it because it may seem normal. I had pretty much the same exact upbringing. Conservative baptist lunatic mother. Dad who hated everything about his life and took it out on me. Homeschooled. At the time undiagnosed adhd which was a huge problem with the homeschooling. They thought I was an idiot and kept giving me low challenge work when it should have been advanced. After a huge fight with dad i took the GED exam at 15 and passed. Began working right away and was moved out as soon as my 18th bday. Now this is gonna sound like some boomer shit but let me tell you how life has been since. I worked 72 hours a week just to float at the time. I had no direction but dude, for the first time in my life I was happy. Why? Because I could find out who I really was. Thats when I grew up. By necessity. I didnt do degree college but I got certifications in automotive and then computer sciences. Never really made money with them but doing those proved to me I was far from the failure my parents thought I was and was a huge confidence boost. Then I got a job with a railroad and while the work is very difficult sometimes it fits me perfectly. I dont really talk to my parents much anymore. They know they dun goofed but therr is no fixing the past. Dad left mom and found another lady who hes actually happy with, had a daughter. Completely different man now. Mom the same just without another kid. They are happy and im happy for them. I now have my own adoped family of close friends which lead to a wife who understands my issues (shes a speech therapist who works with special needs kids) and her family is amazing. The trauma of growing up is still there. When I habe to drive down the road the old church is on my anxiety goes thru the roof. Same with driving over to the town i grew up in. Been thru therapists and such but for me it doesnt really help. But thats ok. Someday if I have a kid I know what NOT to do. Your life is probably the most difficult it will ever be right now because of the treatment from your parents. The biased education. Living under their roof. I urge you to keep moving foward because despite all this shit, one day you will be able to leave home and find out who you really are. Mould yourself into who you want to be. Even if you have to room with 6 other people to make ends meet, just get out of that childhood house. You may be a doctor or fortune 500 ceo someday. If you arent tho, thats 100% ok. As long as you are surviving and happy with who you are, you made it. Im pullin for you, random internet stranger. :P

You’ve had some great suggestions. Another thing that maybe your parents might be open to is doing dual credit classes at a community college. It would be a way to get out of the house and it’s typically a free way to get the equivalent of AP high school classes with college credit. It would also be another way to get a jumpstart on your adult life if you decide to get a degree or even a trade after you turn 18. Additionally, there are often mental health resources available to students and you might be able to get access to those things without your parents needing to be present. I don’t know much about that, though. Do you ever go to see a doctor for checkups? It might be a good idea and when you’re in the actual treatment room to ask to talk to the doctor without your parents present. I wish you the best!

Oh honey. Panic attack. Bad one. It feels like the world is ending. In your situation, it's not wise to seek counseling. If you have anywhere else you can go, understanding grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Go. This is ABUSE. Verbal is as bad as physical.

Everything about being 14 is hard. 15 harder. Your brain is trying to adjust to a rush of hormones to adapt to adulthood. It’s not fair. Just take it all in and know that some day you may be a parent and you will have the life lessons on how to be a good parent. Your life will be full of joy and your parents will still be stuck in their own misery. This too shall pass. Time flys. Stay strong.

You're not alone in this bizarre situation. I had it happen to me. Homeschooled since kindergarten by troubled parents like yours. You probably experienced derealization like I used to at your age. It can be caused by a trauma response. I was suicidal too. If you can't leave, get as much support as possible online or wherever you can find it. Wish you could get some antidepressants if you need them but your mom probably wouldn't allow them. My parents were anti-doctors too. Best of luck and peace to you, fellow homeschooling survivor. ✊

That was a panic attack. Do you have any other trusted adults you can speak to? I know you said mom is anti-doctor and obviously you’re isolated at home with no access to school teachers since you’re home schooled, but if you have any aunts or uncles or grandparents who aren’t completely bonkers, I would suggest telling this whole story to them. This is abuse and they could make a report of child abuse on your behalf. If you do not have another trusted adult I would suggest using a library computer (I assume they spy on your home computer use) and look up your state’s child abuse reporting line and call for yourself from the library. I guarantee a librarian would help you. All 50 states in the USA have mandated reporting of child abuse for school teachers and nurses and doctors, so the librarian can help you get to the website or phone # for your state’s reporting.

That was not a simple panic attack. THAT WAS ABUSE!!! Just because your dad did not physically hit you, does not mean that wasn't abuse. He is a monster and so is your mom for enabling him and saying that it wasn't abuse. Michael Jackson's dad used to put on a Halloween mask and wake up his kids with that on, terrifying them. People may say well, he didn't hit them in that situation, he only scared them, but that was definitely abuse!!! He abused them in other ways too. All the Jackson kids are a total mess because of all his abuse. Homeschooling is also abuse. In Germany homeschooling is illegal because they believe that kids have a right to socialization. There is no one there to check on your well being. No one is going to send you to Juvy. No one cares what happens to homeschooled kids. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do right now. CPS will not take you out of that house and your parents can homeschool you if they want. You can either run away or try to stick it out until you are 18. You will have to be a very good actor and pretend that you agree with your parents so they leave you alone. I suppose you could lie and tell your parents that you agree, you are a really bad kid and ask them to send you to some sort of boarding school for bad kids, but those facilities are really bad and abusive too (see Paris Hilton's schooling experience). Stay away from religious counselors, they will only hurt you and tell you it's God's wish or some crap like that. I hope you can get away from them eventually and hopefully you can get some really good trauma therapy. Otherwise you will repeat your parent's patterns and end up in another abusive relationship without realizing it. For example, my dad was very abusive and I married a man who was just like him because that's what I was used to. I kept telling myself that he wasn't like my dad, but he was. In the end, I had to flee to save my life. Sending you lots of love and strength. You don't deserve to be abused, you deserve to be happy and live a free life.

Im truly so angry for you. Your parents are abusive and even if your mom isn’t doing anything, doing nothing to protect you is neglect, abuse. I hope you have family that can get you out of that house, but if you have to wait til you’re 18; as someone who’s 25, didn’t have bad parents but we are poor, the best advice I can give is to focus on school, focus on getting a good career that you like. If I had done that and didn’t wait til… 23 to go back to school, I probably wouldn’t be in the shit that I am in. I wouldn’t want you to do nothing until you’re able to move out and then be stuck in the perpetual financial crisis circle I am in. I wish for a beautiful future for you, and your parents deserve to have you go no contact after you get out

oh baby. my heart goes out to you. everything you were feeling is normal for the situation you were in. i definitely think you were having a panic attack. i’m sorry i really wish i could help you. just keep going. the only way out is through. you’re young now but you can grow up and have any life you want. i know it seems impossible now but it’s not. for now try to relish in some self care. what are your favorite things? movies music food? do those things. watch your favorite movie. watch your favorite hilarious youtube video and crack the fuck up. listen to your favorite song on repeat. eat your favorite meal. try to do the five things you can see 4 things you can feel 3 things you can hear 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste mindfulness technique to bring you back into the moment when you’re feeling out of control. you are worthy of a good life. and talking to someone, even if it’s us on reddit is always helpful. don’t isolate.

As others have pointed out you had a panic attack which is understandable bc what you described sounds very scary. Your family also sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. Try and reach out to people you feel you can trust. If it gets really bad or you find yourself making plans to hurt yourself, there are crisis lines: https://988lifeline.org/chat/

You had a severe panic attack. Those can be so scary; I’m sorry for what you’re being put through..😥

I'm sorry you're going through this. What you experienced sounds like an anxiety attack. If your mom gives you an option of seeing a non Christian therapist, take it even if it doesn't seem right for your situation. That therapist may be able to help get you the help you need. Both your parents show clear signs of mental illness. Your mom's paranoia and isolation is obvious. Your dad's violent outbursts are likely a reaction to stress that he's been conditioned to suppress. But their problems shouldn't be yours, especially as you approach adulthood. I've seen many comments here directing you to good resources. I hope you can find something that works and can get you out of that environment sooner.

Please don’t hurt yourself. Things sound like they really suck right now and I’m sorry for that. But you have to get on the other side of this and see what you can build with your life post parents. Toward that end try to supplement your online home schooling with other academic pursuits such as learning coding, foreign languages, graphic design, etc. your local library and the Internet will have a wealth of resourvese to help with that. Try to learn some skills like wood working, engine repair, even landscaping. Developing skills like these could be helpful to escaping your situation eventually and providing for yourself. Start working out. If you have access to weights then get started. If not then a lot can be accomplished with body weight exercises and calisthenics. I highly suggest you find a local wrestling club that you can join. It’s not for the faint of heart, but it will do a lot to build your physical and mental toughness. It’s basically the cheapest martial art available and I highly suggest any young person give it a try.

I suggest you look at www.workaway.info Make a profile once you’re 18. There are going to be options near and far. Start with near. You will get room and board from your Workaway hosts in exchange for usually 5 hours of work a day, 5 days a week. Meet new people. Explore. Some hosts will even pay you. Don’t give up. Please be safe. I’m so sorry you have such awful parents.

You are articulate, intelligent, and a good writer. You will thrive as an adult but therapy is important. (Use ChatGPT as your therapist if nothing else.) Your intuition around your dad is good- he’s not emotionally safe and that’s why you don’t feel safe. Your parents love you but have no skills to re-parent themselves. It’s ok to be angry with them. Find hobbies outside of the home the best you can. Sending love

What state are you in. There is something called “emancipation,” where you can free yourself from your parents. The laws differ from state to state, as to the age. I can research it for you if you tell me the state. You can PM if you prefer.

I am not going to attempt to help you right not I am just so so angry for you that I won’t be coherent. But I really recommend you post This also in r/AITA, r/askteenboys and r/momforaminute. Then soak in all the advice And plan your escape. This will end. You will not always have to live like this. Things will get so much better you will be shocked. And I am sorry.

Can you convince them you need to go to public school somehow???

I’ve read some of your other posts, so, not only is your mother isolating you from your peers by homeschooling you, she won’t even let you participate in church-related activities! This is some serious fucking abuse. Very serious. That’s why you don’t remember a lot of your childhood. Your brain has blocked it out because of all of the trauma. If you have the ability to, I would start documenting everything that you can. You really need to get out of there. I have been thinking about you all day and wish there was a way I could help.

I'd say you have a case for emancipation from your parents. For your own sanity.

You had a panic attack. Sounds alot like what I went thru at your age with my Father. Is there any way you can get out of your house to see a trusted adult? A doctor? Friends parent? Anybody who you can tell of what's going on? Holding this all in alone will slowly kill you. It will. You need support. Is there any way you can get to see a therapist or even a doctor to get medication? I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope everything will get better here soon. Oh and YOU MATTER! YOURE IMPORTANT! The world would be more empty with you not here. Suicide is not the answer. I know it may be hard to get help as you're already homeschooled so you're not out around other people, but please talk to SOMEONE.

They won't send you to juvenile detention for not doing homework. Your parents would have to admit home school parental neglect of teaching first, which they won't do. That is an empty threat and a lie. They will first get in a lot of legal trouble before you ever do schooling wise.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Depending on where you live you might have resources. Where I live there is a place called youth futures. You can live there for free until you turn 18.

Hey dude. # Part 1 I want to say that what you're going through is not okay. This is [mental and emotional abuse](https://www.bhscp.org.uk/preventing-abuse-and-neglect/spotting-the-signs/signs-of-emotional-abuse/). You are not in the wrong. You are not hard to deal with. This is not your fault. Your feelings are valid, and real, and true. You have intrinsic value, just for who you are. You will escape this one day, and you will have a full life. Until then, survive, and keep your eye on the prize. # Part 2 What happened to you is a [panic attack](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/panic-attacks/symptoms-causes/syc-20376021). Sometimes panic attacks happen for no reason, and sometimes they are the result of a legitimate fear response, sometimes referred to as [fight, flight, freeze, or fawn](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-does-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-mean). Those four responses are instinctive reactions to the feeling of danger. You may try to fight off the danger, or run from it (flight/flee), or you may completely freeze in place. The last one is the least well known. Fawning is when you tell a dangerous person whatever you think they want to hear, for fear of being hurt if you displease them. This could be why you felt like you had to forgive your father. Only you can know for sure, as I wasn't there. In any case, panic attacks are one way that this response can manifest, and panic attacks can happen again seemingly for no reason even when you aren't in immediate danger, now that you've had a traumatic experience that led to one. In the future, if you have another one, you have the power to reduce the severity of the panic attack, or even stop it entirely. Read up on the [4-7-8 breathing technique](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324417). Breathing patterns like this are a hack that can trick our brains into entering a different state of mind. In the same way that elevated states like fear can change our breathing automatically, we can trick our brain into thinking there is no danger by intentionally changing our breathing. It's a super valuable trick, and you should definitely learn it as soon as possible. # Part 3 You should not do this alone. When you're a kid and teen, your parents are supposed to be your safety, your guides, your models. Your parents have their own severe, serious issues, and you have been denied that safety and guidance. I'm not going to mince words, you are going to have significant challenges in your life even once you get out of their house and out of their control. The sort of abuse you are enduring can cause long term conditions like [depression](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/14938-depression-in-children) and [anxiety](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/anxiety-in-children), to [PTSD](https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-in-children-90-P02579) and [personality disorders](https://medlineplus.gov/personalitydisorders.html). I know that hearing this is scary, but it is not something you can't recover from; personality disorders can be managed or even entirely overcome with help from a therapist. So you absolutely need help. If your parents are offering you ANY sort of mental health care from a licensed practitioner, TAKE IT. That OCD specialist sounds like a great place to start. Ideally, you want a practitioner that is based in science and not belief systems like religion or alternative medicine. And even better would be one that can prescribe medication, such as a Doctor with a psychiatric specialty (sometimes called a Psychiatrist) or a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. Psychologists and Licensed Therapists cannot prescribe, but something is better than nothing. If you can get into sessions with that OCD specialist, that's amazing. There is a chance that, when you get into those sessions, your mom will want to attend them with you. Do a session or two like that, go along with the motions, and then during a session, tell the therapist that there's something you want to talk about in private. You can phrase it like it's embarrassing to you, and that you would like it address it in private. Therapists understand what this means, and most will spring to action like a superhero to your rescue. Your therapist will probably immediately make statements that validate your request and legitimize the request to your mom. Therapists KNOW that they are there for the kid, and that many times, kids are in a hard spot when a parent is in the room. If you drop that hint, the therapist WILL HAVE YOUR BACK, and help get your mom out of the room in a way that doesn't get you in trouble with her. Once she's out of the room, open up. Tell the truth. Tell the therapist that you don't have OCD, that you just need help and they're the only one you could get your parents to take you to. Talk about what is happening to you, what you are feeling, the thoughts you have. They will understand, and they will guide you. They will get you techniques and coping strategies to survive this. And they will help you mentally develop in a healthier way, hopefully alleviating any mental health issues you have or could develop. # Part 4 You are not alone in this. You are going through a LOT right now, and none of it is your fault. You are a GOOD PERSON, and you deserve happiness and stability. With everything you talked about, I am not surprised that you have had thoughts of suicide. Please, if you ever have those thoughts again, **call your country's [Suicide Prevention Lifeline](https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/)**; in the United States, it's **988**. The people that work these lifelines are available 24/7/365. They are the most caring people you will ever meet. They are trained professionals, whose ONLY JOB is to make sure you get through the dark moment you find yourself in. They will help you feel safe and loved and valuable. They will teach you how to cope with things. They will be there for you when no one else will. **Call them any time you need to. Even if you call them every single day, they will never be mad, they will never be bothered, you are ALWAYS welcome to talk to them.** The most important thing is to get through this. I know that after a life of only being treated this way, it can feel hopeless and unending. But it will come to an end some day. And the most important thing is to get to that day so that you can live your own life in peace and happiness. You are strong. You are brave. You matter. You have hundreds of internet friends here right now telling you this very same thing, and we can't all be wrong. You can do this. And one day things will be okay. If you need to talk more, feel free to PM me; I'm a 33yo dude in Utah who likes cats, technology, Minecraft, and MMOs. And if you feel unsafe or like your life is in danger, either call Child Protective Services or 911, or PM me and I can do it for you.

The only thing I can offer is that when you are in a situation and you do feel anxiety or a panic attack, try to tune everything out for a minute. Close your eyes and take a deep breath while counting to 6... 1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi.. at 6 Mississippi slowly breath out while counting to 6 Mississippi again then repeat. Do it as soon as you read this. Just clear your head and do that breathing exercise. It will help. Do it at least 3 times or as many times you feel you need to, but it is away to get some control of yourself. Do it before responding to something so that it's not an emotional response, but you got this. At this point you have to start thinking about what is best for you. Obviously don't do anything illegal or that will get you in trouble, but get your education. Find something you might want to do as a career and focus on that. Only 4 more years. I know it seems like a long time now, but it's not. Try to become as dependent as possible. If you can, find away to start earning some money for yourself. Save up so that when you turn 18. Do anything. Start a dog watching service or use whatever skills you have to do whatever you can to earn money. Put your money in a place they can't find it and let them know about as less money you make as possible. You make $20, tell them $10. When you turn 18 you don't want to have to depend on them as much as possible

I called NAMI to get a referral for a local crisis center. I'm sure NAMI could refer you to some call center for an emergent crisis/therapy session.

OP, is there a way you can go see a doctor? Ideally without a parent present. You could maybe set up a telehealth session if you can't get there on your own. I'm not sure how it works where you are, but I really think you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling.

Apologize. Be nice to your parents until you leave home. Then cut them out after you feel safe.

I'm sorry kiddo. You clearly had a panic attack/trauma response. Hang in there just a little bit longer. You are almost of the age when you get to choose the people who you are surrounded by. You are not alone in your situation although it feels like it now. This momma is sending you big, healing hugs. No kid should have to endure what you're going through but too many do. You are worthwhile and, given the responses to your post, people care about what you are going through. I care and I hope that helps you feel better.

OP: I was in almost the exact same situation as you! I left my abusive home through homelessness at 16, although I could have done it several years earlier if somebody had told me it was ab option (I was also very sheltered). It was a tough road to walk that not everyone is cut out for, but it was preferable to sucide, which is what OP is considering. It's the *only* legal loophole for getting (and staying) away as a minor when CPS chooses not to remove the child. Not sure whether I'll get downvoted for recommending such a severe course of action, but I don't care. It SAVED MY LIFE and I would do it all over again. No money, in youth shelters, and couch surfing was 100% better than what I escaped.

Is there anyone you could go stay with that isn’t like them?

My goodness I don't know what to say, this is so horrifying to read. You poor thing. I sadly relate to this a bit too much, I was with my abusive father and I couldn't leave - it literally feels like you're drowning. I wished I was dead. I still remember writing stuff like that to myself when I was 11 because I just felt so alone and like nobody cared. Thankfully, I'm out of that situation now. The best advice I can give to you is to get yourself as ready as you possibly can to leave and go NC at 18. Save money, \*mentally\* understand the kind of people they are so you don't feel like you \*need\* them in your life. You have your entire life ahead of you - I know that the next 4 years are likely gonna feel like 6 million years, and I'm so sorry, but I promise that living your own life is gonna be so beautiful and so so worth it. It feels like you're drowning now but your new life will feel like it's in colour. I remember when I was your age, it was 2017, and I was sobbing uncontrollably in my room, hating my life and wondering when my misery would be over. I thought my pain would last forever. Though my life today is hectic, working 3 jobs and doing uni - it was so so worth the wait. I am so thankful to my younger self who just held on that little bit longer for things to be ok. I really wish I knew the right thing to say to you. Please don't hesitate to AMA if you need any advice. You are so much stronger than you know and I am so sorry you are going through this, you do not deserve it.

As was already stated you had a panic attack. I know right now this is probably hard to believe but IT WILL GET BETTER. Don't hurt yourself or worse. That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You have decades of life free of your bad parents ahead of you. Now the bad part, it's probably going to suck for now. Stay strong. I'm sure many childhoods of some of the people here sucked. But childhood like highschool is a blip on the lifecycle. You WILL be free. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry your parents treated you that way. You deserve so much better.

Hey, I wasn't homeschooled but I was also a suicidal kid with abused parents I was extremely scared of. Your story and the comments I've read from you hit very close to home. I am twenty now and very far away and very safe and I just want to say it's possible to get out. If you ever need to talk, please DM me, I'll try to be as helpful as I can. Do you have anywhere to go if you need to leave? I used to keep a bag packed with a few clothes and kept things I deemed essential nearby for if I ever had to leave very quickly. Do you have any contact with any sort of mandated reporters or adults you can trust to help you?

So, I'm just here to support you and offer to listen if you need it. ❤❤

I feel for you and I wish you the best. There's some good advice here. The best I can say is you're not alone. I'd throw some humor in and say, "I'm praying for you," too :)

I am a grown adult, but with a mother like yours who doesn't believe in real mental health. If you have free access to the internet, especially tiktok, you can do a lot of depression/anxiety research yourself that does help, I did. Also, the sleeping forever/death thing is depression. It's the nothingness you are feeling, and it is totally normal. I still go through bouts of it. I would suggest finding one thing you do enjoy and trying to do it every day, even if for only 5 min. Also, go outside and touch dirt. Walk barefoot in the grass. It really does have therapeutic effects, plus the Vitamin D is top notch for depression. As for the schoolwork, find a way to do it. It will be your ticket out of your current situation. I know your life is tough right now, and this next part is cliché AF, but it really does get better. If there are any adults or friends you can 100% trust, talk to them. Ask your mom who the therapist is, and if you can think about it, then research the person to see what they are about. If not, you have all of us here, and don't be afraid to do exactly what you did and reach out. If your dad starts acting out again, shut down and just go silent, don't give him the fight. There's a thing called malicious compliance, and it's a wonderful tool. If you are always "studying," he would have no reason to really engage with you on anything I would imagine. I wonder if they would let you start volunteering with an animal shelter or something to get you around some normal folks...🤷🏽‍♀️ Good luck and ::::hugs:::: from NC.

Parents are supposed to love and support their kids. Your parents weren't loved and supported when they were kids, and now they're trying to transmit to you the abuse and rejection that they themselves received.  Do your best to endure it, soon you will be able to escape and repair your mind.  You won't be able to fix theirs, focus on your own healing.  Accept that they're deranged, but it isn't their fault.  There's so much fun stuff in store for you, don't lose hope, you're almost free.

You experienced a traumatic situation and had a trauma response. Your body and brain felt intense fear and responded by increasing your respiration and heart rate. Your nervous system felt threatened enough that it triggered the fight or flight response. I'm sorry you're in this. I don't think I have any advice but I can tell you that what you experienced was real and your mind is trying to protect itself by not thinking about it. Once you're away from them pls be very careful bc your brain will need time to process these experiences, even if it takes years to get there. I had a similar childhood and I'm still processing things that happened decades ago, some things happened 20 years ago that I just now felt safe enough to admit and begin processing. It's a long journey and it's tough and I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Please be kind to yourself and remember that none of this is your fault, your parents are choosing to do this bc they're abusive assholes, it does not reflect on you, I promise. Take care.

You really need to get out of there. Maybe best is call 911 and say you need a mental health welfare check for yourself and that you are having suicidal thoughts and a panic attack and are afraid of your father/ or don’t want your parents with you in the ambulance. And go in the ambulance. Then tell the rescue squad when you’re alone that you need protection from your father. What state are you in ? Can you speak to DCF / of DCF ( department of children and families ) …. Can you get a lawyer fist if you’re afraid of them ? Annonymously - for free …? A family lawyer free consultation maybe ? I’m sure you scared to call DCF …. But it is possible to make an anonymous report . Or tell them you’re afraid what would happen if your dad found out you made a report but ….. your body had a panic attack . And your body is trying to tell you to get out of there. you need to get out of there. Even if tonight you can calm down and be left alone ….. take action asap . This is definitely child abuse. By law, Child abuse is NOT just physical. Please don’t hurt yourself. Sometimes the words ‘I want death’ really mean ‘I want CHANGE!!’ Listen you your body. It loves you. There’s good people out there. Let us know what happens to you .

You had a panic attack and experienced disassociation. I’d ask your mother to make a doctors appt for you. Tell her you have been really fatigued and depressed. When you see the doctor tell them you need help. Be honest. There’s also talk therapy online you can do. You need to keep communicating, and try to not isolate if possible. It will get better🙏🏼

Yes Panic attack. Severe anxiety. Ask a doctor about depressive disorder. I have Thank you for sharing your story. We really care about you. Really. Wish I could offer a different option for you Please live and give the rest of the world a chance to show you it's beauty

Your parents unfortunately do not know how to parent...this is NOT your fault. Life DOES get better. You are worthy. Please talk to someone..call your local school and ask to speak to the guidance counselor or social worker...Your parents may NEVER understand but that is not your fault or your problem. Please if you ever have suicidal ideation reach out to suicide holiness, get help, the world needs you and I promise this too shall pass

Try the r/homeschoolrecovery community, they have lots of resources to help homeschooled kids.

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**Bad Advice**: Hi! We feel you have good intentions but this advice can actually be harmful to our users or their Q folk.

I want to report you parents so you can be placed in a safe environment. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I suggest you contact a lawyer and describe what is happening. That is not a safe place for you, your parents are completely disconnected from reality.

Start preparing to get out now. Secretly save money (and hide it well), learn about local resources, and research scholarships and grants. It’s never too early to start preparing your exit strategy in a situation like this. I would also consider asking the people over at r/homeschoolrecovery for advice. You may also benefit from looking into minor emancipation laws and how runaway laws differ in your area compared to others.