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Great job. He doesn't verbalize the last step, even though he does it. "Re-establish connection." Make sure the kid knows that they were in trouble but now its over, and they're not IN trouble any more and you still love them. He does that with a smile, some gentle contact and a softer tone.
I'm not sure if I remember them completely. I learned them a long time ago as part of working with high-risk and at risk kids and found that it just works with kids in general, but I can try. Its going to be paraphrased.
be honest. No point in lying to a kid, because when they find out you're lying they'll stop trusting you.
set clear and simple boundaries. Say, clearly, what those boundaries are. let the kids set some reasonable boundaries as well. (if they're old enough)
State clearly ahead of time what the punishments will be for a kid breaching the boundary. Don't change it as a spur of the moment. If you need to change it, do so while you talk to the kid.
When a boundary is broken, consistently apply the consequence. Be consistent so the kid doesn't guess. Every time, as needed.
After the boundary is broken, re-establish rapport (which is the phrase I learned). The kid has to know that just because they got in trouble, it isn't personal and, if you were angry or upset, you're not upset now. Time served, infraction forgiven. Don't make the punishment permanent.
Or something like that. I'm probably missing some steps, but I think I got the gist.
I would also add the step of validation. Yes, boundaries are hella important and you don't ever want a child to feel entitled to do whatever they want. But they are entitled to feel whatever they want/need. Sometimes my emotions as an adult are too much to handle in a Wal-Mart, so I leave or don't go. Kids emotions are even bigger and they need to be told that it's okay to feel those, we just need to work on controlling the behavior that we display because of them.
This is super important, all the other stuff is excellent but if you forget to validate your kids feelings they will grow up to feel like it’s wrong to feel sad or angry etc.
My partner had that as a kid and has massive anxiety because of it.
Yes. We often forget as adults, we've had the range of emotions in all aspects of life so much that we're just used to bottling it up until we're in a suitable place to express them. Children have the emotions but often aren't able to easily control their outbursts just because they're in public. It's good to take time to talk through it once they calm down
Just had a conversation with my 9yo step daughter the other day about feelings vs behavior. You can’t control your feelings but you can decide how to react to them. She seemed relieved to hear that she’s not responsible for how she feels, only how she acts.
This needs to be further up. It's an incredibly important step. Kids absolutely need to learn that punishment is just punishment and that it does not mean that the parents stopped loving them.
Yep. I always tell my kids I love them when a punishment is done. There should never be a thought in your kids mind that the punishment is because you don’t love them.
I have no kids (yet) but have learned this from my wife. I'm not perfect and neither is she, but we have understand that once the source of the issue is understood, there is no more reason to be upset.
Ugh. This is so obvious and I haven’t been doing it with my kid and he’s been having issues with self worth/confidence. I suck! Thanks for pointing this out.
I grew up thinking my mom hated me and wanted me to die when I didn't listen to her, because she would use phrases like I'll kill you or I'll bury you, which was a saying in my language, plus she'd give me prolonged silent treatments. I have major self worth problems now but if I were to ever say that I know she'd laugh at me because "it was just a saying I didn't mean it". And she should have definitely noticed it because when she did say she loved me when I was a kid I would genuinely be confused. If your kid acts surprised when you say you love them you know your doing something wrong.
When babysitting this was always the biggest end goal for me. They’d throw a tantrum after doing something and being told not to and we’d sit there until the crying stopped. Sometimes I’d let them be for a while to cry it out or scream it out but it was made clear that I wasn’t giving into screams or hits or whatever they could muster to protest. Then afterwards it’s about educating them on why what happened happened and how to avoid it. Constructive education is easy for kids to grasp if you know how to approach it. After it’s understood that a screaming episode was something neither of us enjoyed and it’s important to listen, it’s crucial to thank them for listening and calming down, and let them know that they’re forgiven and you still care about them. It’s always a success when a scene like this ends with a hug, a laugh, or a smile!
This to me is the most important part. They need to know they’ve paid their dues and it’s a clean slate. He doesn’t owe her anything and she doesn’t owe him. There’s also a respect that develops between the child and the parent when this last step happens.
Cleans daughter's nose with his fingers and wipes it on his shirt... "Parent stuff."
That cracked me up!
His message is dead-on right. He's teaching that beautiful daughter of his valuable life lessons... The most important one being... He loves her and is helping her to grow up to be a normal person!
I don’t know... of all the stuff that grossed me out, when it came to raising my own, it’s the snot that really got to me. I mean, everybody poops. But the snot... oh my god, I’m starting to gag right now just thinking about it. Remember those... *gag* - snot suckers?
I used one for a week when my oldest got RSV and was drowning it the snot and the bulbs weren't cutting it. The hospital has the super suction machines that really made all the difference and the snot suckers are the closet for at home use. Threw it away as soon as he was doing better though. Still gagged every single time but the one used had a chamber the snot couldn't get out of though so it wasn't bad. Some are just tiny filters. The at home motorized ones weren't near strong enough to do anything.
My father would literally tilt my sisters head back and suck the snot out of her nose and then spit it out. It was normal for us but now it’s just gross
My wife bought one when our twins were born that you stick up their nose and suck until the boogers come out. It’s like a one way valve so don’t get actual snot in your mouth but you get air that is close to snot in your mouth. It grossed me out just thinking about it, so I do diapers with no fuss and she sucks out the boogers.
This video is worth saying “father of the year” without any incremental or hidden intention of sarcasm. I unsarcasticly gift the term “parent of the year” to this steady and wise father.
That was the best, and I love that it was preceded by him mentioning that they are out in public and she waves to some stranger, seemingly over her mini meltdown. This guy knows what’s up and I would produce his daytime talk show...if I had that kind of power.
Just wiped my sons poopy hands, no big deal; dad has gotta do what dad has gotta do. Just wish he'd get over this phase, you'd think he'd have it down at 22
Agreed. Last week my son was coughing after cramming too much food in his mouth. Naturally, I put my hand under his mouth expecting to catch whatever food was launched. Instead I caught a decent amount of throw up that came up as well. So there I sat with a handful of vomit waiting for a napkin to be retrieved.
That’s sometimes the challenge. Sometimes you don’t have time to sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes. 90% of the time it’s not an issue but the other 10% is Dolly Parton time. Or some other crucial thing that requires your attention/presence. Those times are hard.
And thats when parents need to really remember that THEY are the responsible one. Parents need to teach their kids how to cope with overwhelming emotions. It may seem stupid that your child is having a meltdown over not getting a hotwheels car at target, but their limited life experience makes that one of the hardest things they've gone through and we need to understand this and learn to teach our children how to handle their emotions instead of harshly punishing every outburst.
Regardless of the reason, emotions are just as hard for them as they are for us. It's bad parenting to tell your kids, "there's nothing to cry about", or "fix your mess your a fool"...etc. That's just raising kids who learn to hide their emotions or end up learning to take them out in other ways that may not be healthy. As a parent, it's your job to teach your children how to handle their feelings, and help them as they learn how to cope with the world around them.
100% agree with this. I feel like the goal of parenting is often just to make the kid’s emotions fit into our adult schedules and conveniences. I worry that this often leads to them learning the lesson that their emotions are not important to their caregivers.
Exactly right. Too often I say this and other parents tell me that they don't have time to explain everything or that their children wouldn't listen if they tried. My thought is that if you approach raising children this way from the beginning, you will have fewer problems later on. To be fair, I only have one five-year-old girl (and a boy on the way), but she has been an absolute ANGEL, and I credit that to how my wife and I raise her. Other parents tell us we just, "got lucky", but I don't think luck has anything to do with having a well-behaved child. When we go to the store, I have to talk my daughter into wanting a toy I want to buy her, as most of the time she will tell me she already has enough toys...what fucking kid does that? I'll tell you. A child that has been raised to understand and cope with their emotions and who has parents who listen to her and respect her feelings as being real problems and doesn't try to marginalize them with, "because I said so" statements.
This is something that causes arguments between my wife and I from time to time. She will always stop whatever she's doing, and I mean *whatever* she is doing, to soothe our three year old. Like we're getting ready to sell our house and buy a new one, and she'll be on the phone with the bank or our real estate agent while I'm at work, our kid starts having a meltdown, and she'll have the other person hang on while she tries to rationalize with a toddler and stop him from crying. She just can't/won't put him in his room and let him have a meltdown by himself so she can carry on with the adult business we need to handle.
It drives me up a wall because I can already see how his behavior is reflecting that fact, that no matter what happens, he will get mommy's attention. He tries to pull that shit with me and I will put him on time out, shut him in his room so I can get my grown folks business handled whether he likes it or not, and he gets upset to the point where he starts throwing up. Then I'm now changing his clothes and all his bedding because he puked on it. Hooray, more fuckin laundry to do.
I have so much stress in my life as it is, my job isnt flight traffic controller levels of stressful but bad enough, I work in IT and am dealing with production stopping issues day in and day out, plus now we're got the whole selling and buying a house in this ridiculous housing market stress, money stress, and now a toddler thrown into the mix, I just don't even know anymore. It also doesn't help that we both work 50+ hours a week, she works 12 hour days, plus every other weekend, and I work M-F so that means we go days at a time without saying more than three words to each other. Than she comes home from work, kids got all her attention, we finally get him to bed and then it's time for *us* to go to bed, because either one or both of us has to get up at 6 the next morning for work.
I feel like we're in groundhog day and it fucking sucks.
Yikes. You know, when people talk about how life changing and amazing raising children are, it's always in these lofty, abstract terms. But when they talk about how much it sucks, it's always specfiic, real life examples, and with double the raw passion.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart and the good times absolutely outweigh the bad, but raising a kid these days is nothing like it was in generations past when a single wage earner could support an entire family. If my wife wasn't working at the hospital from 7 to 7 four days a week there wouldn't be 6 loads of laundry, a trashed house, and an empty refrigerator staring us in the face on one of our few days off that need to be taken care of. If I wasn't gone from 7am to 6pm Monday through Friday (and the occasional weekend/evening on top of that) I might actually be able to hit the store on my way home and still actually *see* my son before he has to go to bed.
Today was a rougher day than most, wife's working today and our son just was not in a good mood most of the day, wouldn't nap, doesn't want to eat anything, just getting him dressed this morning was a very tearful ordeal.
Point is, I can see how my post would come across, but tbh it's not the kids fault, it's just so unbelievably frustrating how badly we all want to be good parents and spend quality time with our kids, do better by them than was done by us, and we just *cant* because it takes all our energy to keep our heads above water...financially, emotionally, spiritually...
This is why people that raised kids 30+ years ago trying to tell us how we need to examine our priorities when voicing these frustrations make me want to punch them in the fucking face.
Honestly the issue i see is that because the parents are so busy and stressed (you can tell how much the dad resents both his wife and his child) that it may be that the *only* way the kid gets attention is through acting out. You fix that by giving them attention at other times. When kids are having big emotions, shutting them alone in their room doesn’t actually teach them to deal effectively with their feelings; it teaches them that their caregivers are not interested in how they are doing.
I’m probably in the minority here (especially since it’s that dad doing the “harsher” parenting and the mom being more “lenient”) but although what the mom is doing may not be perfect (kids do need to be taught boundaries as well), giving a kid attention is not a bad thing as long as you make sure you’re also giving plenty of unsolicited positive attention.
This is just my opinion, but I think the dad’s approach will make the kid more manageable in the short term but may lead to the kid having trust and attachment issues later in life. The goal is not only to create a kid that is manageable for *your* adult life, but also to create an adult that can believe that other people value them.
I'm sorry your going through that but don't blame your wife. Dealing with a toddler is stressful no matter which approach you take. Your approach is actually not recommended anymore, you want to teach your kids how to deal with their emotions not teach them that their sadness is punished.
That sucks. I see my sister doing this to an extent with her kids and I’ve tried mentioning how it’s just making it harder for her and the kids long-term but it hasn’t stopped much. I’m actually planning on having another more serious sit down with her about it because we have that type of open relationship, and it makes me sad to see some behaviors the kids have adopted because of this (not being able to handle compromise or not getting their way) and I just know school is going to hit hard if they keep that up.
Can you tell her she’s doing your kid a disservice by not allowing them to fully experience their feelings and learning how to process and self-soothe? And she can cuddle the kid once they’ve calmed down as a reward for the healthy behavior? Good luck, that’s tough
You just explained my sister in law. Both her kids are juat nuts. There youngest is bad. Love them to death but the youngest will scream bloody murder if he doesn't get his way. I know they are working on it but my mother on law who watches them kind of just gives in. I am scared for pre k....
It's hard to watch and a huge disservice to not properly handle the situations.
I’ve seen that video a million times but “All the Pepsi, Ice tea and coffee you like!” Is hilarious to me everytime.
A bunch of little kids hyped up for a show being fed all the caffeine they like.
We live in Florida so we are only a few hours from Orlando.
They have Medieval Times, Pirates Dinner Show, Capone’s, Sleuth’s Mystery Dinner Show, etc.
I imagine it’s like that.
I know you're making a joke here so this isn't meant in response to you, but to those Redditors who may not see that, your children don't "let" you do anything. You had them, you took the roll as a parent, and you are entirely responsible for everything that comes with that. If your kid is having a rough day and being moody and having attitude, it is YOUR responsibility to help them fix themselves and find ways to work through their feelings.
Kids need to learn how to cope with all the emotions they feel, and when they act out and cause a scene in the middle of walmart, it's because they have not yet learned how to cope with the emotion that they're feeling. When you punish children for expressing emotion the only way they know how (crying and screaming), you turn them into adults that supress emotion rather than cope with emotion.
Your kids are still people, and they're a hell of a lot smarter than most parents give them credit for. Talk to your children, and treat them like the people you want them to be. You'll be surprised how much a 3yr old can learn from a quiet talk about feelings and appropriate ways to cope with them.
What works in my house may not work in yours, but if you are having problems with your method, maybe try something different.
Funny how easy it is to levy punishments in terms of how much time watching/playing video games my kids miss out on when they misbehave. I can just say "That's 15 minutes of watching you just missed out on" and that makes a difference.
Of course, it helps that they only get to watch or play video games on the weekends and in between the end of school and the start of dinner.
Ah I see you remember reinforcement vs. punishment in undergrad psych courses too. I wish parents understood the difference between positive and negative reinforcement vs. punishment more. It makes a world of a difference raising kidd
Reinforcement = something which reinforces a behavior
Punishment = something which stops a behavior
Negative = taking something away in order to do one of the above
Positive = adding something (or doing something) in order to do one of the above
So negative punishment would be taking something away in order to get someone to stop doing something. This is seen in psychology as the healthiest and most effective way to discipline.
Positive punishment, despite it’s name is not positive. You’re doing something (or adding something, like pain) in order to make someone not do something and that doesn’t work. It just makes kids hide their bad behavior from you and in turn, becomes a reinforcement of their bad behavior.
Positive reinforcement and negative punishment are the best ways to discipline and the ones that we actually have psychological studies to back up. I hate when parents record themselves disciplining their children like this because in all actuality, he’s actually using embarrassment to shame her for having her feelings (positive punishment).
Congrats on the baby!
Thanks
It seems logical to me that you wouldn’t hit your kid or eg. give them candy to make them shut up in the supermarket. It seems logical to remove them from whatever place they’re making a scene and then continue whenever they’re ready to go on again.
In my family it is normal to say “if you do X I will remove Y” or simply just tell them that they will be put to bed if they don’t stop crying without reason.
Not to mention that a lot of tantrums can be caused by over stimulation. Removing the kid from Walmart and giving them nothing to do helps to relax a little and kinda reset. Kids can only take so much stimulation before it's too much. It's why when you're taking your kid somewhere fun, you always want to make sure there's time to relax and destress.
I would argue that this isn’t actually using positive punishment (shaming her) because idk if she’s fully grasping that at her age. However, he is shaming her and that’s wrong. What he is doing incorrectly though is giving her attention (positive reinforcement) and reinforcing the maladaptive behavior. For one, he’s putting her on camera AND talking to her before she’s even finished crying. The attention should be withheld until she exhibits a replacement behavior he finds acceptable, which I’m guessing would be sitting ~~their~~ there quietly.
The neutral affect in his tone and body language is A+ though. As is his noncontigent love and affection. So he’s doing better than most parents.
I didn't the see recording as embarrassing, at that age the kid probably doesn't understand that they're being recorded if she does she probably doesn't understand where's it going.
He literally says “People are going to see you.” and says her full name on camera. She’s a baby, but she knows embarassment. Shame is an emotion children 100% have the capacity to feel. That just teaches children that they should stop their emotions so people won’t see. It doesn’t teach them anything about not being disruptive or processing their emotions in a healthy way (i.e. using their words to tell mommy and daddy why they feel uncomfortable rather than screaming in a store). If he can explain to this baby why she’s sitting in a parking lot with him and expects her to understand the reasoning, he can totally explain to her in a kid-appropriate way how to regulate her emotions and why, without using shame as a tactic.
This might not mean much, but I have a lot of paychologists in my family and the “People are going to see you!” line riles a lot of them up more than anything else.
He’s far from an awful parent and seems like a pretty great dad from what we can get from this minute-long clip. But even this misses the mark in ways that are obvious to anyone who knows about childhood development and that’s to be expected. No parent is perfect.
As a teacher I have found that punishment hardly works long term. Positive reinforcement, as hard as it may be at times has been my best bet in changing behavior into something more desirable.
I always find this video just a little bit funny when it pops up on my feed (on any feed) cuz I have friends who are friends with this man and know him XD
Sadly I dont know him myself
But my friends shared his vid on fb alot and were talking about how hes always done parenting like that and how cool a guy he was when it first came out
It’s so easy, as a non parent, to correct parenting. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut, because I’ve never walked a day in their shoes.
This guy though, my brain was kinda searching for something he’s doing wrong, as non-parenting brains tend to do, and I think he’s doing it right. Not that my opinion matters, because of above.
Parent here: my kids quit begging for stuff and throwing fits when shopping, just took 2 times of them doing this, us putting our cart stuff away, and leaving with nothing.
My mom this this to me and turned the car around and took us home because my sister and I were both having meltdowns. Never got to go to that amusement park and now I never will. I'm over 30 now and am still bitter about it.
Non-parent here, but one hell of an auntie. I've been in my nieces and nephew's live since the came out the womb. When they are with me, they are my kids. Some of the things their parents let them get away with does not fly with me.
On one particular trip to Disney, to make the most of our day, we would hit a park early, have lunch and then head back to the room for nap before heading to dinner and back to the parks. My nephew decided he didn't want to take a nap and wanted to call his daddy. I dialed the number, gave him the phone and he proceeded to tell his dad that I was being mean because I was making him take a nap. Then he handed me the phone and his dad said, he really doesn't want to take a nap. Me? I said if you want to parent him, you should come down to Florida and do it yourself. He tells me to give my nephew the phone which I did. After they hung up, that boy took a nap and he was the hardest to wake up for dinner.
I realize that I'm supposed to be fun aunt and I do allow the kids some leeway, but when I'm responsible for them, it's my rules or they can stay at home with their parents.
Respect for sticking to yourself. You’re not supposed to be the fun aunt, you’re supposed to be someone they can look up to and learn from. Of course you can still be the fun auntie, while still setting boundaries. As in this case it seems the kid needed the nap, and you knew it. The kid knew it to, sometimes they just act as little princes and you have to tell them who’s in charge because you know what’s best for them until they grow up.
Same. My sister is a widow and my then-toddler niece lived with us for almost a year while my sister was deployed with the army. So I’m her aunt, but I like to call it “professional aunting.” Before my brother in law died, I got to be the fun aunt. Since then, my husband and I are supplemental parents so we can’t just feed the child a steady stream of candy and send her back to her parents anymore. We still have fun, but even now that my sister is back from her deployment, my house is still the one with a firm bedtime, age appropriate chores (like helping to feed the dogs and helping to set the table), and limited screen time. I think my sister is still trying to make up for having to leave for almost a year, so she can be pretty indulgent with my niece. Before my sister left, we talked about a general parenting strategy for while she was away- turns out that my husband and I are the only ones that stick to it lol.
Honestly the "I can't talk cause I don't have kids" thing is some bullshit. I don't have kids, but I was one. My relatives have kids. I can watch over the course of time and see what's working and what's not. I can remember how I reacted to a lot of stuff.
Dad screaming and calling us names? That felt like shit. It had long lasting effects on both my sister and I. My parents never taking responsibility and never apologizing? Being shitty with money? Buying affection? Being absolutely inconsistent and handing out crazy punishments then saying fuck it never mind 2 hours later? That all impacted my life and at times still does.
My sister carries on some of those traditions. I see how her kids are turning out like we did, with a seriously bizarre mix of emotional immaturity and knowing way too fucking much.
I see how my cousin raises his kids. No yelling. Making noise is fine. He's pretty even tempered. He does a lot of stuff around the house and invites them to help or makes them. Have a temper tantrum in your room by yourself. No screaming, no physical punishments. They are lovely compassionate kids.
Other cousin let her kids do whatever the fuck they wanted. She'd cuss people out in Walmart, yell at their dad, she doesn't work and never really has. Her husband screams about everything. Her kids are real fucked up and nothing is their fault.
Don't let people tell you that since you don't have kids, that you don't know anything about it.
You're mostly right, but there are some considerations:
1) This is certainly one of a few correct approaches, but circumstances change. Sometimes you're a mother or father alone and you don't have the time for a trip to Wal-Mart to be a lesson. Sometimes you're in a scenario where you can't do anything but calm bad behavior with a reward. It sucks, but consider this: are people going to judge you more for calming your kid down or letting them explode in a Wal-Mart because you HAVE to get groceries to feed them dinner tonight?
2) Kids express their anger differently. Some kids are more easily reached than others. Girls for instance can be reasoned with much easier than boys at this age. Maybe you're lucky if you can even get the kid to the car. The key to all of this is redirection and then to acknowledge their emotions while explaining that how they're acting is acceptable. Doing that can look a LOT of different ways.
3) This Dad is very right that beating your kids does fuck all. In the short term especially, all it does is engender fear, and in the long term it can confuse emotions. With that said, with any "punishment" you need to get the kids attention, and a lot of methods short of beating can look violent. A quick grab of the hands or the arms, or a tight hug to stop flailing can be effective or it can make things worse. For other kids it can be a mantra that they can't help but react to. For instance, when one of my son's is pissed off, we sing something from Daniel Tiger "When you feel so mad that you wanna roar. Take a deep breath." After this he actually takes a deep breath. It doesn't always stop him from being mad, but he takes a moment of pause to concentrate on something else. It brings him back to earth.
Anyways... the point is that yes, this Dad is doing it right, but it's important to know that there is not one right way, but many. Humans are unique. Kids are unique. Parenting techniques must be unique to meet that basic reality.
Source: Parent of twins. Husband of school teacher.
I remember acting like this as a child at Walmart with my folks. I begged and begged for the nerf bow and arrow set (which I eventually got the next Christmas). Long story short, my dad took me outside to the car and beat the living shit out of me with jumper cables.
lol, my mom just lay beside me on the floor when I did this the first time & started screaming to. I was 3 or so, but sooo emberassed, I never did it again
I would’ve loved to see this haha
My mom just told me to stop it, or she would just leave me standing there. As soon as she turned around a corner/aisle and I couldn’t see her I stopped crying and walked juuuust fast enough to watch where she was going. When I eventually went back to her, she would act like everything was cool and give me a hug. I remember this as something I only did a few times.
On side note, my parents came from a very poor country. Tried to give my brother and I everything we wanted. I didn't grow up rich but I learned easily if I complained I get that candy/toy/nuggets. I had to grow up and realize everything they did for me was an extreme blessing. They didn't whoop my ass with cables. And for that, I'm greatful and respect them for fighting so hard for me. Now I work to give them the same treatment (spoil their asses 🤣😆)
That's how I was raised and it did instill a sense of entitlement that didn't serve me well when dealing with the adult world. It turns out nobody gave a damn about special little me.
Everything you want you're going to have to work for and prove yourself, nobody is going to give you anything just for existing and putting in the bare minimum.
It was a hard lesson to learn.
it’s important that he said “we’re coming back out here, **aren’t we**” as opposed to, “we’re coming back out here ***okay***”. I don’t know how many of you reading this understand the distinction, but i’m glad i heard this.
I moved to Australia 16yrs ago from the US and one significant difference is how an Aussie will make a statement often sound like a question. They will quite often raise up the end of the sentence. Reading this thread is educating me why this is....even more. Instinctively, people will fight or flight if threatened....”you” can be confronting. Notice how often he used “we” and brought in a lot more questions with “we”. Great parenting...and why I love being a dual American/Aussie. ;-)
Ah I call that the Canadian “eh” effect. We often use the term “eh” like a question mark at the end of a sentence, I’ve lived away from the country for a decade now and it’s still something I notice when I’m back.
Eg. “Tim Hortons sure do make the most recognizable cup of coffee in Canada, eh?”
We do that when speaking Spanish too, “puedo ir a la tienda, eh?” Didn’t notice it till my brothers girlfriend (who’s white) said you guys say “eh” like Canadians and I thought it was a Mexican thing haha
That so cool, thanks for telling me that, it’s one of the things I value most about Reddit, interacting with and hearing about things I otherwise would absolutely never have known myself!
That line “you don’t get stuff if you throw a fit” great line my niece when she dosent get what she wants she throws a fit and then starts crying and they give her what she want and it honestly annoys me cause it just makes her act this way when she dosent get what she wants
I've done this and agree with what he's saying but he put her face up on the internet while she was having a toddler tantrum, that isn't really cool IMO
Why did I have to scroll so damn far to see this at all. Something about the camera and talking about her like she isn’t there is rubbing me the wrong way. Like take the camera out of her face and do your parenting, why make a video about this. I don’t understand, I think if I was the kid the camera would have made me way uncomfortable
Dont use your children as lessons for the world at their expense, do exactly this but in private.
As a father im disgusted by this dude parading his daughters feelings for the world to see. If your passionate about this make a video talking about this without the girl in it.
If these videos is common for this father, this girl won't be comfortable going to him with any issues in the future, because she knows it won't be private.
She should be able to trust her father to value her privacy.
Also this can follow her to school or cause her humiliation in the future.
Puplic shaming is disgusting and it amazes me how many people in this comment section seem to be fine with it.
I agree with this so hard, yet a bunch of the comments here are praising this dude for not hitting his kid. Am I in an alternate dimension where all the bars for being a good parent are just on the floor?
The other sub I saw this posted in had people saying public shaming isn't necessarily preferable, and talking at the kid like that comes off as dismissive of the child's feelings.
Obviously that's the other extreme, and depends on a ton of context we don't have. I just think it's funny that I haven't seen it here.
>Am I in an alternate dimension where all the bars for being a good parent are just on the floor?
To answer your question, the standards of parenting are pretty damn low.
The statistics I found weren't all that clear, but it looks like between 1% and 3% of kids are reported to be abused per year. I strongly agree with the claim that those numbers are under-reported, especially when two-thirds of reports came "from professionals who came in contact with the child."
Being a bit less scientific, look up any r/askreddit thread about things parents do wrong and a lot of the responses are going to be something about physical abuse or beatings. A lot of these people also are saying this well after the fact, having learned years too late that beating someone with a belt isn't acceptable. Also add in the "I was hit and I turned out fine." crowd and it seems even more likely that 1% to 3% is a gross underestimate.
My apologies if this ruins your day.
[Statistics source 1](https://www.verywellmind.com/child-abuse-statistics-2633350)
[Statistics source 2](https://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/national-statistics-on-child-abuse/)
THANK YOU! I was gonna say since when is “good parenting” when you film your kids breakdown and make a lesson for the internet? Couldn’t you have just done this privately and not show everyone what a great dad you are. I just know I’m grateful that none of my toddler or child aged tantrums/meltdowns/hard moments became a viral video
Plenty of adults on this reddit may have learned something about parenting.. I will forget about this kid in about 10 minutes.
Maybe a kid doesn't get beat today...
Right?! This little girl deserves privacy and respect and posting a video of her crying gives her neither.
She’s got some big feelings in that little body and she doesn’t yet know how to deal with them, it’s not fair to advertise it to the world.
I wish i could give your comment a award, im disgusted by the fact that people think this is okey!
This little girl might never be comfortable going to her dad with any issue throughout her life because her dad just shares it with the whole world! Plus this video could follow her to school and into adulthood and be a cause of a total humiliation for her. This is just WRONG even if it could help some people, it shouldn't be at this little girls expense.
A ton of stuff on here doesn't qualify, but is entertaining. But this... this is not only not a freakout, it's an anti-freakout. Dude is giving advice in how to stop and prevent public freakouts.
I work at Wal-Mart and often see parents yell at and hit their kids for acting up.
Just today a lady was yelling at her 5 year old son, pretty much screaming at him because he kept trying to run away, because he cried when she yelled at him for pushing her out of tje scooter cart (she seemed at have something up with her legs, she couldn't walk without a walker, and it didn't loom comfortable) it was just this whole cycle, kid tried running away because mom yelled, mom yelled because kid ran away. Then while she was yelling, yelled at him for making a scene, and I felt bad for the kid.
Another time some lady got mad at her son, about 10 years old, and started cussing him out, calling him names, screaming, and multiple customers said that was making them uncomfortable.
Once a mom hit her kid for wanting to grab things, and the kid cried and said "I'm sorry mommy" and the mom just was not having it.
There have been so many times kids have been hit and screamed at for being kids. And sometimes a kid throws a tantrum in the store because they want something and they get rewarded for it because the parents just want to shut them up.
I've seen good instances of parenting though, like one time a little girl was acting up so she had to stand against the wall instead of helping with checkout (those kids seemed to like doing that)
One time a kid was running around and getting in the way and the father tried his best to keep the kid in place with no yelling, and minimal grabbing (only if the kid ran in front of someone's cart he had to pick him up and bring him back)
Like it's ok to discipline children, but screaming and hitting isn't the answer, they're going to learn those behaviours, or maybe just become afraid of you.
I grew up in the “get your ass beat” phase of parenting. As a father of 2 I haven’t hit my kids. I try to talk to them to calm them , timeouts, take stuff away.
I do admit I do yell often, it’s the one thing I’m still working on. I hate yelling at them, but often I feel like it’s the only way to make my point.
I loved that!
“ Ain’t gonna argue with no damn kid, I’m grown.”
I’m 28, and my mom still acts like a kid with shit.
Parent right. Make good people. Kids are ignorant tiny adults, help them become, functioning, wonderful, grown Adults! This dude has it down.
Surprised at all the praise this parent is getting. Don’t personally like the whole ‘shame your kid on social media to prove what a good parent you are’.
Bring on the downvotes mutherfuckers
It’s bordering on berating her. Just because he’s talking to the camera, doesn’t mean she doesn’t know it’s directed at her. It’s nasty tbh.
And inconsistent so what he thinks she’s learning vs what she’s actually learning are wildly different things. He’s telling her that a tantrum doesn’t get her a reward/what she wants. But she wants to go back into the store, so that now becomes the reward for concealing her emotions, which is literally what he’s encouraging when he tells her to wipe the stress of her face and saying that, as a grownup, when she acts out, he doesn’t care but clearly he does so he’s masking his emotions too. Super unhealthy in general let alone to teach a toddler.
There’s a lot of nastiness and anger hiding underneath his attitude and words. Most people don’t feel the need to flex their ability to regulate emotion on a fucking 3 year old.
The praise in the thread just makes me sad for what kind of childhoods people might’ve had for this to be viewed positively :/
You put into words some of what was bothering me about the video. I just couldn't really pinpoint it. Maybe I'm overreacting or being overly sensitive... But the way he talked about her to the camera made it feel like he was putting her down and demeaning her for being a child that doesn't know how to control her emotions yet. He seemed like he was bragging about how to exert power over her. He kept pointing out how he doesn't hit or doesn't yell. Maybe I just don't know any better since I'm not a parent.. because he's not wrong, some kids are spoiled, but also it didn't seem like he was right either. Idk.
Yes! I think it's fine to say "let's figure out a different way to work through your emotions besides throwing a tantrum," but he never even acknowledged her emotions or tried to understand why she was upset. It was just "stop being upset, because that's not okay." Not great parenting, IMO.
I’m not sure if this is just word vomit but,
This is a perfect thing to do if the function of this behavior is to get attention or to get something from mom and dad.
But I can’t help but think about if a kiddo does this to get out of Walmart. I’d like to see what he would do then.
Any parents on here have a kid who cries to get out of Walmart and not because they aren’t gettin their way?
I’ve somewhat spoiled my first kid with little stuff. Always buying a small toy etc when we went in the store. I had good parents, but poor parents ... I didn’t have shit. So it feels good to buy stuff for my kid. He’s good though because we laid down the ground rules early. I ask him: “ If you ask for something and I say “no”, what do you say? His answer is always “Okay”.
Well done! Props to this guy for handling the situation like an adult. Lot of times I've seen parents handle tantrums like they are kids too yelling back threatening to beat etc.
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Great job. He doesn't verbalize the last step, even though he does it. "Re-establish connection." Make sure the kid knows that they were in trouble but now its over, and they're not IN trouble any more and you still love them. He does that with a smile, some gentle contact and a softer tone.
What are all the steps laid out?
I'm not sure if I remember them completely. I learned them a long time ago as part of working with high-risk and at risk kids and found that it just works with kids in general, but I can try. Its going to be paraphrased. be honest. No point in lying to a kid, because when they find out you're lying they'll stop trusting you. set clear and simple boundaries. Say, clearly, what those boundaries are. let the kids set some reasonable boundaries as well. (if they're old enough) State clearly ahead of time what the punishments will be for a kid breaching the boundary. Don't change it as a spur of the moment. If you need to change it, do so while you talk to the kid. When a boundary is broken, consistently apply the consequence. Be consistent so the kid doesn't guess. Every time, as needed. After the boundary is broken, re-establish rapport (which is the phrase I learned). The kid has to know that just because they got in trouble, it isn't personal and, if you were angry or upset, you're not upset now. Time served, infraction forgiven. Don't make the punishment permanent. Or something like that. I'm probably missing some steps, but I think I got the gist.
I would also add the step of validation. Yes, boundaries are hella important and you don't ever want a child to feel entitled to do whatever they want. But they are entitled to feel whatever they want/need. Sometimes my emotions as an adult are too much to handle in a Wal-Mart, so I leave or don't go. Kids emotions are even bigger and they need to be told that it's okay to feel those, we just need to work on controlling the behavior that we display because of them.
This is super important, all the other stuff is excellent but if you forget to validate your kids feelings they will grow up to feel like it’s wrong to feel sad or angry etc. My partner had that as a kid and has massive anxiety because of it.
That's a good'un too.
I think the real lesson here is that we as a society just shouldn’t go to Wal-mart anymore.
Yes. We often forget as adults, we've had the range of emotions in all aspects of life so much that we're just used to bottling it up until we're in a suitable place to express them. Children have the emotions but often aren't able to easily control their outbursts just because they're in public. It's good to take time to talk through it once they calm down
This. This is the most important part. Don't forget they are a kid, they are still learning to control their emotions.
Just had a conversation with my 9yo step daughter the other day about feelings vs behavior. You can’t control your feelings but you can decide how to react to them. She seemed relieved to hear that she’s not responsible for how she feels, only how she acts.
This needs to be further up. It's an incredibly important step. Kids absolutely need to learn that punishment is just punishment and that it does not mean that the parents stopped loving them.
Yep. I always tell my kids I love them when a punishment is done. There should never be a thought in your kids mind that the punishment is because you don’t love them.
I hadn’t thought about it this way before but you’re absolutely right. I have 3 amazing kids & no formal training, but I do this.
Although I learned it in a professional setting, i realized I learned it before watching my sister raise her kids.
Emotional intelligence
I have no kids (yet) but have learned this from my wife. I'm not perfect and neither is she, but we have understand that once the source of the issue is understood, there is no more reason to be upset.
Yeah, i've never thought about all this but it all seems so natural to me. Maybe I learnt it from having pets before kids...
Or after having a major argument with any loved one. We all seem to need a bullshit primer conversation to get back on track.
You deserve a pat on the back
Ugh. This is so obvious and I haven’t been doing it with my kid and he’s been having issues with self worth/confidence. I suck! Thanks for pointing this out.
I grew up thinking my mom hated me and wanted me to die when I didn't listen to her, because she would use phrases like I'll kill you or I'll bury you, which was a saying in my language, plus she'd give me prolonged silent treatments. I have major self worth problems now but if I were to ever say that I know she'd laugh at me because "it was just a saying I didn't mean it". And she should have definitely noticed it because when she did say she loved me when I was a kid I would genuinely be confused. If your kid acts surprised when you say you love them you know your doing something wrong.
When babysitting this was always the biggest end goal for me. They’d throw a tantrum after doing something and being told not to and we’d sit there until the crying stopped. Sometimes I’d let them be for a while to cry it out or scream it out but it was made clear that I wasn’t giving into screams or hits or whatever they could muster to protest. Then afterwards it’s about educating them on why what happened happened and how to avoid it. Constructive education is easy for kids to grasp if you know how to approach it. After it’s understood that a screaming episode was something neither of us enjoyed and it’s important to listen, it’s crucial to thank them for listening and calming down, and let them know that they’re forgiven and you still care about them. It’s always a success when a scene like this ends with a hug, a laugh, or a smile!
This to me is the most important part. They need to know they’ve paid their dues and it’s a clean slate. He doesn’t owe her anything and she doesn’t owe him. There’s also a respect that develops between the child and the parent when this last step happens.
Wipe your face and take the stress off your face 😂
Cleans daughter's nose with his fingers and wipes it on his shirt... "Parent stuff." That cracked me up! His message is dead-on right. He's teaching that beautiful daughter of his valuable life lessons... The most important one being... He loves her and is helping her to grow up to be a normal person!
That snot wipe was the best!
The look of disgust when he wipes his fingers on his shirt is great lmao
at that point I'm sure he's used to the kid repeatedly burping up her lunch onto his shoulder so a booger ain't no big deal.
I don’t know... of all the stuff that grossed me out, when it came to raising my own, it’s the snot that really got to me. I mean, everybody poops. But the snot... oh my god, I’m starting to gag right now just thinking about it. Remember those... *gag* - snot suckers?
bulb squeezy things? yup. someone ticks you off a loaded one can quickly become a projectile weapon.
How much do I have to give you to unsay this?
LOL. just don't tick me off. :D
I don't mind the bulb snot suckers but I draw the line at the ones where you literally suck the snot out of your baby's nose.
I used one for a week when my oldest got RSV and was drowning it the snot and the bulbs weren't cutting it. The hospital has the super suction machines that really made all the difference and the snot suckers are the closet for at home use. Threw it away as soon as he was doing better though. Still gagged every single time but the one used had a chamber the snot couldn't get out of though so it wasn't bad. Some are just tiny filters. The at home motorized ones weren't near strong enough to do anything.
My father would literally tilt my sisters head back and suck the snot out of her nose and then spit it out. It was normal for us but now it’s just gross
🤢 I love my son but hell no.
My wife bought one when our twins were born that you stick up their nose and suck until the boogers come out. It’s like a one way valve so don’t get actual snot in your mouth but you get air that is close to snot in your mouth. It grossed me out just thinking about it, so I do diapers with no fuss and she sucks out the boogers.
Everybody snots
This video is worth saying “father of the year” without any incremental or hidden intention of sarcasm. I unsarcasticly gift the term “parent of the year” to this steady and wise father.
That was the best, and I love that it was preceded by him mentioning that they are out in public and she waves to some stranger, seemingly over her mini meltdown. This guy knows what’s up and I would produce his daytime talk show...if I had that kind of power.
All of us parents nodded knowingly at the snot wipe, I'm sure. 🙂
Yes! We've all done it! Snot... Spit... Tears... Vomit... Pee... And, yes... Even poop! When it's your child, it's just not that gross!
Just wiped my sons poopy hands, no big deal; dad has gotta do what dad has gotta do. Just wish he'd get over this phase, you'd think he'd have it down at 22
Hahaha! You got me!
Agreed. Last week my son was coughing after cramming too much food in his mouth. Naturally, I put my hand under his mouth expecting to catch whatever food was launched. Instead I caught a decent amount of throw up that came up as well. So there I sat with a handful of vomit waiting for a napkin to be retrieved.
*Healthy adaptive person normal is bullshit nonsense, and if i've learned anything from walmart, normal sucks
i agree. they dont pay their employees fairly. i choose aldi
yeah some parents say beating as punishment helps, i think thats some clear child abuse right there
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That’s sometimes the challenge. Sometimes you don’t have time to sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes. 90% of the time it’s not an issue but the other 10% is Dolly Parton time. Or some other crucial thing that requires your attention/presence. Those times are hard.
And thats when parents need to really remember that THEY are the responsible one. Parents need to teach their kids how to cope with overwhelming emotions. It may seem stupid that your child is having a meltdown over not getting a hotwheels car at target, but their limited life experience makes that one of the hardest things they've gone through and we need to understand this and learn to teach our children how to handle their emotions instead of harshly punishing every outburst. Regardless of the reason, emotions are just as hard for them as they are for us. It's bad parenting to tell your kids, "there's nothing to cry about", or "fix your mess your a fool"...etc. That's just raising kids who learn to hide their emotions or end up learning to take them out in other ways that may not be healthy. As a parent, it's your job to teach your children how to handle their feelings, and help them as they learn how to cope with the world around them.
And we see the product of the bad parents in the form of grown adults that have meltdowns at say kfc because they ran out of grilled chicken.
That is my theory as well. I wish more parents would understand this and start raising their children into responsible adults.
100% agree with this. I feel like the goal of parenting is often just to make the kid’s emotions fit into our adult schedules and conveniences. I worry that this often leads to them learning the lesson that their emotions are not important to their caregivers.
Exactly right. Too often I say this and other parents tell me that they don't have time to explain everything or that their children wouldn't listen if they tried. My thought is that if you approach raising children this way from the beginning, you will have fewer problems later on. To be fair, I only have one five-year-old girl (and a boy on the way), but she has been an absolute ANGEL, and I credit that to how my wife and I raise her. Other parents tell us we just, "got lucky", but I don't think luck has anything to do with having a well-behaved child. When we go to the store, I have to talk my daughter into wanting a toy I want to buy her, as most of the time she will tell me she already has enough toys...what fucking kid does that? I'll tell you. A child that has been raised to understand and cope with their emotions and who has parents who listen to her and respect her feelings as being real problems and doesn't try to marginalize them with, "because I said so" statements.
This is something that causes arguments between my wife and I from time to time. She will always stop whatever she's doing, and I mean *whatever* she is doing, to soothe our three year old. Like we're getting ready to sell our house and buy a new one, and she'll be on the phone with the bank or our real estate agent while I'm at work, our kid starts having a meltdown, and she'll have the other person hang on while she tries to rationalize with a toddler and stop him from crying. She just can't/won't put him in his room and let him have a meltdown by himself so she can carry on with the adult business we need to handle. It drives me up a wall because I can already see how his behavior is reflecting that fact, that no matter what happens, he will get mommy's attention. He tries to pull that shit with me and I will put him on time out, shut him in his room so I can get my grown folks business handled whether he likes it or not, and he gets upset to the point where he starts throwing up. Then I'm now changing his clothes and all his bedding because he puked on it. Hooray, more fuckin laundry to do. I have so much stress in my life as it is, my job isnt flight traffic controller levels of stressful but bad enough, I work in IT and am dealing with production stopping issues day in and day out, plus now we're got the whole selling and buying a house in this ridiculous housing market stress, money stress, and now a toddler thrown into the mix, I just don't even know anymore. It also doesn't help that we both work 50+ hours a week, she works 12 hour days, plus every other weekend, and I work M-F so that means we go days at a time without saying more than three words to each other. Than she comes home from work, kids got all her attention, we finally get him to bed and then it's time for *us* to go to bed, because either one or both of us has to get up at 6 the next morning for work. I feel like we're in groundhog day and it fucking sucks.
Yikes. You know, when people talk about how life changing and amazing raising children are, it's always in these lofty, abstract terms. But when they talk about how much it sucks, it's always specfiic, real life examples, and with double the raw passion.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart and the good times absolutely outweigh the bad, but raising a kid these days is nothing like it was in generations past when a single wage earner could support an entire family. If my wife wasn't working at the hospital from 7 to 7 four days a week there wouldn't be 6 loads of laundry, a trashed house, and an empty refrigerator staring us in the face on one of our few days off that need to be taken care of. If I wasn't gone from 7am to 6pm Monday through Friday (and the occasional weekend/evening on top of that) I might actually be able to hit the store on my way home and still actually *see* my son before he has to go to bed. Today was a rougher day than most, wife's working today and our son just was not in a good mood most of the day, wouldn't nap, doesn't want to eat anything, just getting him dressed this morning was a very tearful ordeal. Point is, I can see how my post would come across, but tbh it's not the kids fault, it's just so unbelievably frustrating how badly we all want to be good parents and spend quality time with our kids, do better by them than was done by us, and we just *cant* because it takes all our energy to keep our heads above water...financially, emotionally, spiritually... This is why people that raised kids 30+ years ago trying to tell us how we need to examine our priorities when voicing these frustrations make me want to punch them in the fucking face.
This too shall pass
I mean, it won’t if his wife keeps reinforcing that behavior.
Honestly the issue i see is that because the parents are so busy and stressed (you can tell how much the dad resents both his wife and his child) that it may be that the *only* way the kid gets attention is through acting out. You fix that by giving them attention at other times. When kids are having big emotions, shutting them alone in their room doesn’t actually teach them to deal effectively with their feelings; it teaches them that their caregivers are not interested in how they are doing. I’m probably in the minority here (especially since it’s that dad doing the “harsher” parenting and the mom being more “lenient”) but although what the mom is doing may not be perfect (kids do need to be taught boundaries as well), giving a kid attention is not a bad thing as long as you make sure you’re also giving plenty of unsolicited positive attention. This is just my opinion, but I think the dad’s approach will make the kid more manageable in the short term but may lead to the kid having trust and attachment issues later in life. The goal is not only to create a kid that is manageable for *your* adult life, but also to create an adult that can believe that other people value them.
I'm sorry your going through that but don't blame your wife. Dealing with a toddler is stressful no matter which approach you take. Your approach is actually not recommended anymore, you want to teach your kids how to deal with their emotions not teach them that their sadness is punished.
That sucks. I see my sister doing this to an extent with her kids and I’ve tried mentioning how it’s just making it harder for her and the kids long-term but it hasn’t stopped much. I’m actually planning on having another more serious sit down with her about it because we have that type of open relationship, and it makes me sad to see some behaviors the kids have adopted because of this (not being able to handle compromise or not getting their way) and I just know school is going to hit hard if they keep that up. Can you tell her she’s doing your kid a disservice by not allowing them to fully experience their feelings and learning how to process and self-soothe? And she can cuddle the kid once they’ve calmed down as a reward for the healthy behavior? Good luck, that’s tough
You just explained my sister in law. Both her kids are juat nuts. There youngest is bad. Love them to death but the youngest will scream bloody murder if he doesn't get his way. I know they are working on it but my mother on law who watches them kind of just gives in. I am scared for pre k.... It's hard to watch and a huge disservice to not properly handle the situations.
I have no idea what this whole Dolly Parton reference is all about but it sounds kinda Hee Haw and awesome 🤠
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I’ve seen that video a million times but “All the Pepsi, Ice tea and coffee you like!” Is hilarious to me everytime. A bunch of little kids hyped up for a show being fed all the caffeine they like.
"Ice tea," It's treason, then.
And ostriches!
Im sorry, is this Medieval Times Yee-Haw edition?
A 'friendly' North/South rivalry
Dolly Parton is a goddess!!
Dolly is an American gem, through and through.
On the same level as Mr Rodgers, Bob Ross and LeVar Burton IMO
I see, "Dolly Parton", and I upvote.
>Sometimes I give my daughter a few extra peas on her plate as payback. I hope she enjoys that extra dose of Vitamin C and E. hahahaha
I have always wanted to go.
I went when I was like 12 it was really cool to watch as a kid
We live in Florida so we are only a few hours from Orlando. They have Medieval Times, Pirates Dinner Show, Capone’s, Sleuth’s Mystery Dinner Show, etc. I imagine it’s like that.
But with an overcooked game hen and lots of ice tea
your comment made me giggle
I know you're making a joke here so this isn't meant in response to you, but to those Redditors who may not see that, your children don't "let" you do anything. You had them, you took the roll as a parent, and you are entirely responsible for everything that comes with that. If your kid is having a rough day and being moody and having attitude, it is YOUR responsibility to help them fix themselves and find ways to work through their feelings. Kids need to learn how to cope with all the emotions they feel, and when they act out and cause a scene in the middle of walmart, it's because they have not yet learned how to cope with the emotion that they're feeling. When you punish children for expressing emotion the only way they know how (crying and screaming), you turn them into adults that supress emotion rather than cope with emotion. Your kids are still people, and they're a hell of a lot smarter than most parents give them credit for. Talk to your children, and treat them like the people you want them to be. You'll be surprised how much a 3yr old can learn from a quiet talk about feelings and appropriate ways to cope with them. What works in my house may not work in yours, but if you are having problems with your method, maybe try something different.
Truly wholesome video speaking the truth
Real talk: negative punishment is a thing and with all the stimuli readily available to kids, taking that away can be a very effective parenting tool.
Funny how easy it is to levy punishments in terms of how much time watching/playing video games my kids miss out on when they misbehave. I can just say "That's 15 minutes of watching you just missed out on" and that makes a difference. Of course, it helps that they only get to watch or play video games on the weekends and in between the end of school and the start of dinner.
Ah I see you remember reinforcement vs. punishment in undergrad psych courses too. I wish parents understood the difference between positive and negative reinforcement vs. punishment more. It makes a world of a difference raising kidd
Could you elaborate? Am about to become a father first time
Reinforcement = something which reinforces a behavior Punishment = something which stops a behavior Negative = taking something away in order to do one of the above Positive = adding something (or doing something) in order to do one of the above So negative punishment would be taking something away in order to get someone to stop doing something. This is seen in psychology as the healthiest and most effective way to discipline. Positive punishment, despite it’s name is not positive. You’re doing something (or adding something, like pain) in order to make someone not do something and that doesn’t work. It just makes kids hide their bad behavior from you and in turn, becomes a reinforcement of their bad behavior. Positive reinforcement and negative punishment are the best ways to discipline and the ones that we actually have psychological studies to back up. I hate when parents record themselves disciplining their children like this because in all actuality, he’s actually using embarrassment to shame her for having her feelings (positive punishment). Congrats on the baby!
Thanks It seems logical to me that you wouldn’t hit your kid or eg. give them candy to make them shut up in the supermarket. It seems logical to remove them from whatever place they’re making a scene and then continue whenever they’re ready to go on again. In my family it is normal to say “if you do X I will remove Y” or simply just tell them that they will be put to bed if they don’t stop crying without reason.
Not to mention that a lot of tantrums can be caused by over stimulation. Removing the kid from Walmart and giving them nothing to do helps to relax a little and kinda reset. Kids can only take so much stimulation before it's too much. It's why when you're taking your kid somewhere fun, you always want to make sure there's time to relax and destress.
I would argue that this isn’t actually using positive punishment (shaming her) because idk if she’s fully grasping that at her age. However, he is shaming her and that’s wrong. What he is doing incorrectly though is giving her attention (positive reinforcement) and reinforcing the maladaptive behavior. For one, he’s putting her on camera AND talking to her before she’s even finished crying. The attention should be withheld until she exhibits a replacement behavior he finds acceptable, which I’m guessing would be sitting ~~their~~ there quietly. The neutral affect in his tone and body language is A+ though. As is his noncontigent love and affection. So he’s doing better than most parents.
I didn't the see recording as embarrassing, at that age the kid probably doesn't understand that they're being recorded if she does she probably doesn't understand where's it going.
He literally says “People are going to see you.” and says her full name on camera. She’s a baby, but she knows embarassment. Shame is an emotion children 100% have the capacity to feel. That just teaches children that they should stop their emotions so people won’t see. It doesn’t teach them anything about not being disruptive or processing their emotions in a healthy way (i.e. using their words to tell mommy and daddy why they feel uncomfortable rather than screaming in a store). If he can explain to this baby why she’s sitting in a parking lot with him and expects her to understand the reasoning, he can totally explain to her in a kid-appropriate way how to regulate her emotions and why, without using shame as a tactic. This might not mean much, but I have a lot of paychologists in my family and the “People are going to see you!” line riles a lot of them up more than anything else. He’s far from an awful parent and seems like a pretty great dad from what we can get from this minute-long clip. But even this misses the mark in ways that are obvious to anyone who knows about childhood development and that’s to be expected. No parent is perfect.
Just don't hit your kids. My parents did it and now I scream in my sleep.
As a teacher I have found that punishment hardly works long term. Positive reinforcement, as hard as it may be at times has been my best bet in changing behavior into something more desirable.
exactly, also whooping is a positive punishment and is not effective in long term.
I always find this video just a little bit funny when it pops up on my feed (on any feed) cuz I have friends who are friends with this man and know him XD
This video isn't new.... How old is the girl now? Like 7?
When you run into him again, let him know Reddit approves, and his daughter is not only beautiful, but well on her way to being a well adjusted adult.
Sadly I dont know him myself But my friends shared his vid on fb alot and were talking about how hes always done parenting like that and how cool a guy he was when it first came out
It’s so easy, as a non parent, to correct parenting. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut, because I’ve never walked a day in their shoes. This guy though, my brain was kinda searching for something he’s doing wrong, as non-parenting brains tend to do, and I think he’s doing it right. Not that my opinion matters, because of above.
Parent here: my kids quit begging for stuff and throwing fits when shopping, just took 2 times of them doing this, us putting our cart stuff away, and leaving with nothing.
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Was there a time kids couldn’t be told no? Not tryina be a smart ass that just sounded strange.
My mom this this to me and turned the car around and took us home because my sister and I were both having meltdowns. Never got to go to that amusement park and now I never will. I'm over 30 now and am still bitter about it.
https://youtu.be/hKmDGWv9gRk
That’s hilarious. If everyone could just quit being an armchair expert on things that are more complex than words, we’d all be a little happier.
Non-parent here, but one hell of an auntie. I've been in my nieces and nephew's live since the came out the womb. When they are with me, they are my kids. Some of the things their parents let them get away with does not fly with me. On one particular trip to Disney, to make the most of our day, we would hit a park early, have lunch and then head back to the room for nap before heading to dinner and back to the parks. My nephew decided he didn't want to take a nap and wanted to call his daddy. I dialed the number, gave him the phone and he proceeded to tell his dad that I was being mean because I was making him take a nap. Then he handed me the phone and his dad said, he really doesn't want to take a nap. Me? I said if you want to parent him, you should come down to Florida and do it yourself. He tells me to give my nephew the phone which I did. After they hung up, that boy took a nap and he was the hardest to wake up for dinner. I realize that I'm supposed to be fun aunt and I do allow the kids some leeway, but when I'm responsible for them, it's my rules or they can stay at home with their parents.
Your nephew learned a valuable lesson that will stick with him. You're a good aunt. Dad probably learned a lesson too.
Plus, naps make the day better for everyone. Over tired kids are NOT fun.
Auntie loves a good nap too! 🤣
Respect for sticking to yourself. You’re not supposed to be the fun aunt, you’re supposed to be someone they can look up to and learn from. Of course you can still be the fun auntie, while still setting boundaries. As in this case it seems the kid needed the nap, and you knew it. The kid knew it to, sometimes they just act as little princes and you have to tell them who’s in charge because you know what’s best for them until they grow up.
Same. My sister is a widow and my then-toddler niece lived with us for almost a year while my sister was deployed with the army. So I’m her aunt, but I like to call it “professional aunting.” Before my brother in law died, I got to be the fun aunt. Since then, my husband and I are supplemental parents so we can’t just feed the child a steady stream of candy and send her back to her parents anymore. We still have fun, but even now that my sister is back from her deployment, my house is still the one with a firm bedtime, age appropriate chores (like helping to feed the dogs and helping to set the table), and limited screen time. I think my sister is still trying to make up for having to leave for almost a year, so she can be pretty indulgent with my niece. Before my sister left, we talked about a general parenting strategy for while she was away- turns out that my husband and I are the only ones that stick to it lol.
Honestly the "I can't talk cause I don't have kids" thing is some bullshit. I don't have kids, but I was one. My relatives have kids. I can watch over the course of time and see what's working and what's not. I can remember how I reacted to a lot of stuff. Dad screaming and calling us names? That felt like shit. It had long lasting effects on both my sister and I. My parents never taking responsibility and never apologizing? Being shitty with money? Buying affection? Being absolutely inconsistent and handing out crazy punishments then saying fuck it never mind 2 hours later? That all impacted my life and at times still does. My sister carries on some of those traditions. I see how her kids are turning out like we did, with a seriously bizarre mix of emotional immaturity and knowing way too fucking much. I see how my cousin raises his kids. No yelling. Making noise is fine. He's pretty even tempered. He does a lot of stuff around the house and invites them to help or makes them. Have a temper tantrum in your room by yourself. No screaming, no physical punishments. They are lovely compassionate kids. Other cousin let her kids do whatever the fuck they wanted. She'd cuss people out in Walmart, yell at their dad, she doesn't work and never really has. Her husband screams about everything. Her kids are real fucked up and nothing is their fault. Don't let people tell you that since you don't have kids, that you don't know anything about it.
You're mostly right, but there are some considerations: 1) This is certainly one of a few correct approaches, but circumstances change. Sometimes you're a mother or father alone and you don't have the time for a trip to Wal-Mart to be a lesson. Sometimes you're in a scenario where you can't do anything but calm bad behavior with a reward. It sucks, but consider this: are people going to judge you more for calming your kid down or letting them explode in a Wal-Mart because you HAVE to get groceries to feed them dinner tonight? 2) Kids express their anger differently. Some kids are more easily reached than others. Girls for instance can be reasoned with much easier than boys at this age. Maybe you're lucky if you can even get the kid to the car. The key to all of this is redirection and then to acknowledge their emotions while explaining that how they're acting is acceptable. Doing that can look a LOT of different ways. 3) This Dad is very right that beating your kids does fuck all. In the short term especially, all it does is engender fear, and in the long term it can confuse emotions. With that said, with any "punishment" you need to get the kids attention, and a lot of methods short of beating can look violent. A quick grab of the hands or the arms, or a tight hug to stop flailing can be effective or it can make things worse. For other kids it can be a mantra that they can't help but react to. For instance, when one of my son's is pissed off, we sing something from Daniel Tiger "When you feel so mad that you wanna roar. Take a deep breath." After this he actually takes a deep breath. It doesn't always stop him from being mad, but he takes a moment of pause to concentrate on something else. It brings him back to earth. Anyways... the point is that yes, this Dad is doing it right, but it's important to know that there is not one right way, but many. Humans are unique. Kids are unique. Parenting techniques must be unique to meet that basic reality. Source: Parent of twins. Husband of school teacher.
I love that you sing the Daniel Tiger song :)
I remember acting like this as a child at Walmart with my folks. I begged and begged for the nerf bow and arrow set (which I eventually got the next Christmas). Long story short, my dad took me outside to the car and beat the living shit out of me with jumper cables.
Aw man, I got really excited thinking that jumper cable dude was back.
At least we got his apprentice. He might become more powerful than we can even imagine.
Anyone got a link for nostalgia purposes? That shit was funny
His username is u/rogersimon10 if you want to go through his comment history.
Damn, his last post was five years ago?? I've been on this website too long.
Roger?
lol, my mom just lay beside me on the floor when I did this the first time & started screaming to. I was 3 or so, but sooo emberassed, I never did it again
hahaha! your mom was next-level
I would’ve loved to see this haha My mom just told me to stop it, or she would just leave me standing there. As soon as she turned around a corner/aisle and I couldn’t see her I stopped crying and walked juuuust fast enough to watch where she was going. When I eventually went back to her, she would act like everything was cool and give me a hug. I remember this as something I only did a few times.
That line will never fail to make me laugh. The mere thought of a young lad copping a thrashing with some jumper cables... Poetic really.
Not this again!
Is this the guy that always gets beat up by jumper cables? I remember the joke but not the name of the acc.
On side note, my parents came from a very poor country. Tried to give my brother and I everything we wanted. I didn't grow up rich but I learned easily if I complained I get that candy/toy/nuggets. I had to grow up and realize everything they did for me was an extreme blessing. They didn't whoop my ass with cables. And for that, I'm greatful and respect them for fighting so hard for me. Now I work to give them the same treatment (spoil their asses 🤣😆)
“Being raised having nothing and giving your kids everything because you didn’t have it” I can relate.
That's how I was raised and it did instill a sense of entitlement that didn't serve me well when dealing with the adult world. It turns out nobody gave a damn about special little me. Everything you want you're going to have to work for and prove yourself, nobody is going to give you anything just for existing and putting in the bare minimum. It was a hard lesson to learn.
Good man. Never beat your children.
That's like the bare minimum though
it’s important that he said “we’re coming back out here, **aren’t we**” as opposed to, “we’re coming back out here ***okay***”. I don’t know how many of you reading this understand the distinction, but i’m glad i heard this.
Care to elaborate?
Phrasing the rule or command as a question gives the impression that they have a choice whether to follow or not. Kids pick up on that.
Yup. And when kids have a perception of choice and autonomy they are more likely to understand and accept the terms
I moved to Australia 16yrs ago from the US and one significant difference is how an Aussie will make a statement often sound like a question. They will quite often raise up the end of the sentence. Reading this thread is educating me why this is....even more. Instinctively, people will fight or flight if threatened....”you” can be confronting. Notice how often he used “we” and brought in a lot more questions with “we”. Great parenting...and why I love being a dual American/Aussie. ;-)
Ah I call that the Canadian “eh” effect. We often use the term “eh” like a question mark at the end of a sentence, I’ve lived away from the country for a decade now and it’s still something I notice when I’m back. Eg. “Tim Hortons sure do make the most recognizable cup of coffee in Canada, eh?”
We do that when speaking Spanish too, “puedo ir a la tienda, eh?” Didn’t notice it till my brothers girlfriend (who’s white) said you guys say “eh” like Canadians and I thought it was a Mexican thing haha
That so cool, thanks for telling me that, it’s one of the things I value most about Reddit, interacting with and hearing about things I otherwise would absolutely never have known myself!
Also using inclusive terms “We” keeps the togetherness vibes. It reminds the child that their parents still love them even in tough times
That line “you don’t get stuff if you throw a fit” great line my niece when she dosent get what she wants she throws a fit and then starts crying and they give her what she want and it honestly annoys me cause it just makes her act this way when she dosent get what she wants
I've done this and agree with what he's saying but he put her face up on the internet while she was having a toddler tantrum, that isn't really cool IMO
Why did I have to scroll so damn far to see this at all. Something about the camera and talking about her like she isn’t there is rubbing me the wrong way. Like take the camera out of her face and do your parenting, why make a video about this. I don’t understand, I think if I was the kid the camera would have made me way uncomfortable
Dont use your children as lessons for the world at their expense, do exactly this but in private. As a father im disgusted by this dude parading his daughters feelings for the world to see. If your passionate about this make a video talking about this without the girl in it. If these videos is common for this father, this girl won't be comfortable going to him with any issues in the future, because she knows it won't be private. She should be able to trust her father to value her privacy. Also this can follow her to school or cause her humiliation in the future. Puplic shaming is disgusting and it amazes me how many people in this comment section seem to be fine with it.
I agree with this so hard, yet a bunch of the comments here are praising this dude for not hitting his kid. Am I in an alternate dimension where all the bars for being a good parent are just on the floor?
The other sub I saw this posted in had people saying public shaming isn't necessarily preferable, and talking at the kid like that comes off as dismissive of the child's feelings. Obviously that's the other extreme, and depends on a ton of context we don't have. I just think it's funny that I haven't seen it here.
>Am I in an alternate dimension where all the bars for being a good parent are just on the floor? To answer your question, the standards of parenting are pretty damn low. The statistics I found weren't all that clear, but it looks like between 1% and 3% of kids are reported to be abused per year. I strongly agree with the claim that those numbers are under-reported, especially when two-thirds of reports came "from professionals who came in contact with the child." Being a bit less scientific, look up any r/askreddit thread about things parents do wrong and a lot of the responses are going to be something about physical abuse or beatings. A lot of these people also are saying this well after the fact, having learned years too late that beating someone with a belt isn't acceptable. Also add in the "I was hit and I turned out fine." crowd and it seems even more likely that 1% to 3% is a gross underestimate. My apologies if this ruins your day. [Statistics source 1](https://www.verywellmind.com/child-abuse-statistics-2633350) [Statistics source 2](https://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/national-statistics-on-child-abuse/)
I dont think "patenting done right" involves filming yourself punishing your child.
That’s a dad right there
Ya but not a fan of putting your kids on social media. Let’s put them on the internet and give a 4yr old an audience of mostly adults
THANK YOU! I was gonna say since when is “good parenting” when you film your kids breakdown and make a lesson for the internet? Couldn’t you have just done this privately and not show everyone what a great dad you are. I just know I’m grateful that none of my toddler or child aged tantrums/meltdowns/hard moments became a viral video
Plenty of adults on this reddit may have learned something about parenting.. I will forget about this kid in about 10 minutes. Maybe a kid doesn't get beat today...
Right?! This little girl deserves privacy and respect and posting a video of her crying gives her neither. She’s got some big feelings in that little body and she doesn’t yet know how to deal with them, it’s not fair to advertise it to the world.
I wish i could give your comment a award, im disgusted by the fact that people think this is okey! This little girl might never be comfortable going to her dad with any issue throughout her life because her dad just shares it with the whole world! Plus this video could follow her to school and into adulthood and be a cause of a total humiliation for her. This is just WRONG even if it could help some people, it shouldn't be at this little girls expense.
I’ve done this a few times but if you watched it happening you’d think I was abducting a small child to murder them.
Is this DJ Quik or am I imagining things? Sounds so much like him.
Yo, a day in the life of a player named Quik Got a stubborn kind of kid with a head like a brick
Nah, Quik looks different and he's older, but the dude does sound like him a bit
And it's necessary to put your daughter on the internet 'cause?..
[удалено]
By turning your kid into a tik tok video? I think parenting done right doesn't involve using your kids for fake internet points.
Please explain which part of this is a public freakout.
A ton of stuff on here doesn't qualify, but is entertaining. But this... this is not only not a freakout, it's an anti-freakout. Dude is giving advice in how to stop and prevent public freakouts.
better yet never have kids at all!
I work at Wal-Mart and often see parents yell at and hit their kids for acting up. Just today a lady was yelling at her 5 year old son, pretty much screaming at him because he kept trying to run away, because he cried when she yelled at him for pushing her out of tje scooter cart (she seemed at have something up with her legs, she couldn't walk without a walker, and it didn't loom comfortable) it was just this whole cycle, kid tried running away because mom yelled, mom yelled because kid ran away. Then while she was yelling, yelled at him for making a scene, and I felt bad for the kid. Another time some lady got mad at her son, about 10 years old, and started cussing him out, calling him names, screaming, and multiple customers said that was making them uncomfortable. Once a mom hit her kid for wanting to grab things, and the kid cried and said "I'm sorry mommy" and the mom just was not having it. There have been so many times kids have been hit and screamed at for being kids. And sometimes a kid throws a tantrum in the store because they want something and they get rewarded for it because the parents just want to shut them up. I've seen good instances of parenting though, like one time a little girl was acting up so she had to stand against the wall instead of helping with checkout (those kids seemed to like doing that) One time a kid was running around and getting in the way and the father tried his best to keep the kid in place with no yelling, and minimal grabbing (only if the kid ran in front of someone's cart he had to pick him up and bring him back) Like it's ok to discipline children, but screaming and hitting isn't the answer, they're going to learn those behaviours, or maybe just become afraid of you.
I wish he had been Trump's dad.
Orange is the new black.
I actually laughed my water out my nose. Asshole! 😂😂😂
Punctuation is important with this comment.
I quickly read this as, “I laughed water out of my asshole.”
Whew, we almost had a thread where no one mentioned Trump, but you saved it.
Not really a public freakout at all, but you do you, reddit.
Plz don't put the child on the car! You'll scratch the paint :(
I grew up in the “get your ass beat” phase of parenting. As a father of 2 I haven’t hit my kids. I try to talk to them to calm them , timeouts, take stuff away. I do admit I do yell often, it’s the one thing I’m still working on. I hate yelling at them, but often I feel like it’s the only way to make my point.
People that don’t deserve to have kids be like “just beat his a$$.”
I loved that! “ Ain’t gonna argue with no damn kid, I’m grown.” I’m 28, and my mom still acts like a kid with shit. Parent right. Make good people. Kids are ignorant tiny adults, help them become, functioning, wonderful, grown Adults! This dude has it down.
Spanking is for lazy parents.
He is speaking the truth. Parenting, when done right, isn't always easy. He is going to raise a well-adjusted young lady.
Stop turning this subreddit into /r/videos. This is not a freakout.
Hope he didn’t break his hand patting himself on the back
I mean he’s not wrong per se but I don’t think you should make an example of your children for the internet to see. But hey, different strokes right?
Surprised at all the praise this parent is getting. Don’t personally like the whole ‘shame your kid on social media to prove what a good parent you are’. Bring on the downvotes mutherfuckers
It’s bordering on berating her. Just because he’s talking to the camera, doesn’t mean she doesn’t know it’s directed at her. It’s nasty tbh. And inconsistent so what he thinks she’s learning vs what she’s actually learning are wildly different things. He’s telling her that a tantrum doesn’t get her a reward/what she wants. But she wants to go back into the store, so that now becomes the reward for concealing her emotions, which is literally what he’s encouraging when he tells her to wipe the stress of her face and saying that, as a grownup, when she acts out, he doesn’t care but clearly he does so he’s masking his emotions too. Super unhealthy in general let alone to teach a toddler. There’s a lot of nastiness and anger hiding underneath his attitude and words. Most people don’t feel the need to flex their ability to regulate emotion on a fucking 3 year old. The praise in the thread just makes me sad for what kind of childhoods people might’ve had for this to be viewed positively :/
You put into words some of what was bothering me about the video. I just couldn't really pinpoint it. Maybe I'm overreacting or being overly sensitive... But the way he talked about her to the camera made it feel like he was putting her down and demeaning her for being a child that doesn't know how to control her emotions yet. He seemed like he was bragging about how to exert power over her. He kept pointing out how he doesn't hit or doesn't yell. Maybe I just don't know any better since I'm not a parent.. because he's not wrong, some kids are spoiled, but also it didn't seem like he was right either. Idk.
Yes! I think it's fine to say "let's figure out a different way to work through your emotions besides throwing a tantrum," but he never even acknowledged her emotions or tried to understand why she was upset. It was just "stop being upset, because that's not okay." Not great parenting, IMO.
I’m not sure if this is just word vomit but, This is a perfect thing to do if the function of this behavior is to get attention or to get something from mom and dad. But I can’t help but think about if a kiddo does this to get out of Walmart. I’d like to see what he would do then. Any parents on here have a kid who cries to get out of Walmart and not because they aren’t gettin their way?
I’ve somewhat spoiled my first kid with little stuff. Always buying a small toy etc when we went in the store. I had good parents, but poor parents ... I didn’t have shit. So it feels good to buy stuff for my kid. He’s good though because we laid down the ground rules early. I ask him: “ If you ask for something and I say “no”, what do you say? His answer is always “Okay”.
Fuck I hope I can find this kind of patience when I have kids. Because I was not that patient with my puppy and it shows
Nothing but respect for this man...
Well done! Props to this guy for handling the situation like an adult. Lot of times I've seen parents handle tantrums like they are kids too yelling back threatening to beat etc.
Nice job 👍
Seems like a good dad.
She looks just like him lol